Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times

Described by George Hook as the greatest Irish player never to make it and described by everyone else who knows him as a shallow, self-obsessed idiot.

Episodes

‘Wait a minute, are you telling me there’s a World Cup in soccer?’

June 26, 2026 • 5 mins

“The fock is going on here?” I go. Because – yeah, no – I’ve arrived home to find my wife, my four sons and my in-laws sitting in front of the TV watching, quite literally, a soccer match? My reaction is basically the same as it would be if I arrived home to find Sorcha in bed with Russell Crowe.

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‘Your accent is up and down like a focked umbrella,’ I tell the old man

June 20, 2026 • 6 mins

So me and Ronan swing out to – believe it or not – Bray, just to see how my old man is getting on. I’ve a bet with him that he won’t last the summer living out there and I like to check on my investment from time to time.

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‘I’m not giving that kid the money. Not a focking chance’

June 12, 2026 • 6 mins

I absolutely despise Christian’s wife, Lauren. I say it as well. Not to her face obviously. Sorcha goes, “Ross, you shouldn’t despise anyone.” This coming from the girl who refuses to watch anything with Jake Gyllenhaal in it because he broke Taylor Swift’s hort a life sentence ago.

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We filled a skip with all the things Sorcha decided she can live without, until she changed her mind

June 5, 2026 • 6 mins

So the latest “thing” in our house is the Swedish death clean. For those of you who aren’t married to Sorcha Lalor, this is a decluttering method that’s meant to spare your loved ones the trouble of sorting through your shit after you’ve dropped the mic.

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‘Nobody can say I haven’t put my body on the line for this Leinster team’

May 29, 2026 • 6 mins

The old man says he thinks he might not live long enough to see Leinster win the European Cup again. I tell him I’m only 46 years old and I’m storting to feel the same way.

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‘Ross, it’s a very simple choice. It’s me or it’s Leinster. You decide’

May 22, 2026 • 5 mins

Sorcha says she’s – oh my God – so excited about Saturday and I tell her I am too. She goes, “These are the moments, aren’t they?” Which is random because she’s hasn’t shown the slightest flicker of interest in rugby since she thought Rob Kearney gave her a smile and a wave at Taste of Dublin the year before the pandemic and I didn’t have the hort to tell her that he was smiling...

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‘Ross, I think you’re finally getting your comeuppance from the universe’

May 15, 2026 • 6 mins

So what do you think? Yeah, no, Nicola – as in, like, Honor’s girlfriend – is showing me a watch that she bought from, like, Tiffany of all places? It must be, like, a grand’s worth.

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‘Dude, you’re not in Ballsbridge now,’ I tell the old man. ‘This is Las f**king Braygas!’

May 8, 2026 • 6 mins

The old man asks me if I’ve been boning up on my Spanish ahead of the trip to Bilbao. I’m like, “Is that where Bilbao is? In Spain?” I honestly think I learned more from rugby than I ever did at school.

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I have zero interest in her in that way – is it weird that I want to spend time with this girl?

May 1, 2026 • 6 mins

So I’m in the gym and I’m bench-pressing, I don’t know, something ridiculous, when all of a sudden there’s someone standing over me and – yeah, no – they’re, like, talking to me? I take out the old AirPods and sit up and it ends up being Nicola, as in, like, Honor’s new – in fairness – girlfriend.

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‘There’s nothing wrong with Bray, Ross,’ the old man says. Literally. Word for word

April 24, 2026 • 6 mins

The old man is sitting in the corner of what was once Shanahan’s on the Green, sucking on a Cohiba the size of a Daihatsu exhaust.

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‘Sorcha, I don’t need ChatGPT to tell me how to talk to my daughter and the girl she’s seeing’

April 17, 2026 • 6 mins

Sorcha asks me how I’m feeling and I tell her I’m in scintillating form – especially after the win over Sale yesterday. I’m half-thinking of doing my joke about having a semi to look forward to – but then I think better of it.

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‘Potatoes au gratin? My old dear used to say they’re for people with money but no class’

April 10, 2026 • 7 mins

“Come in,” she goes.

This is Bernie I’m quoting – word for word, by the way – as in, like, Bernie the mother of Claire from, like, Bray of all places?

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We’re driving through Donnybrook and Sorcha shouts ‘Stop!’

April 3, 2026 • 5 mins

“Stop!” Sorcha goes. Yeah, no, we’re driving through Donnybrook at the time. I generally slow down anyway as we’re passing the spot where Kielys once stood, just to make the sign of the cross on myself. Except Sorcha is looking past me at the other side of the road?

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‘Ross,’ Sorcha goes, ‘we’re not going to Dubai. We cancelled because of the war.’ I’m there, ‘What war?’ and I genuinely mean it

March 27, 2026 • 6 mins

The airport is absolutely rammers and I’m in – it has to be said – scintillating form, so much so that Sorcha actually remorks on it.

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‘We’re losing, like, 32-0. The Blackrock first years are taking us aport’

March 20, 2026 • 6 mins

I can’t believe it. I can’t believe this is actually happening? Yeah, no, you always try to think about worst case scenarios in your head – just so you have a plan in case something goes wrong – but this is beyond my, literally, worst nightmares.

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‘I’m so full of myself this morning that I’m actually making myself sick’

March 13, 2026 • 6 mins

This is me in my – yeah, no – absolute happy place. Castlerock College jersey with the collar popped. Rugby Tactics Book under my orm. The match against Blackrock College is just four days away and I have a plan to beat them.

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‘There you go with the school rivalry thing again. You need to move on’

March 6, 2026 • 6 mins

So it’s, like, 11 o’clock on Sunday morning and I’m hord at work – albeit still in bed – making notes in my famous Rugby Tactics Book. Sorcha walks into the room and goes, “Get dressed, Ross. We’re going out for lunch.”

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‘The woman is as C as M – as my old dear used to say. Common as muck’

February 27, 2026 • 5 mins

“Kicker!” the old man has the actual nerve to go. “To what do I owe this pleasant surprise?”

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‘How embarrassing is it for me to have three kids who are absolutely focking useless at rugby?’

February 20, 2026 • 6 mins

Sorcha says this is the worst thing I’ve ever done. And it’s far from it. I could give her a list of 50 things, except I doubt if it would help my cause.

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The words every south Dublin rugby parent dreads: ‘Dad, I want to join the drama society’

February 13, 2026 • 6 mins

There’s no sugar-coating this one. We’ve been taken to the literally cleaners today. Yeah, no, beaten 45-10 by – and there’s easy way of saying this – Wesley College, the same Wesley College who haven’t won a Leinster Schools Senior Cup since the world was in pretty much black and white.

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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times

Episodes

.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}‘Wait a minute, are you telling me there’s a World Cup in soccer?’

.css-r6mb8g{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:1;overflow:hidden;}‘Your accent is up and down like a focked umbrella,’ I tell the old man

‘I’m not giving that kid the money. Not a focking chance’

We filled a skip with all the things Sorcha decided she can live without, until she changed her mind

‘Nobody can say I haven’t put my body on the line for this Leinster team’

‘Ross, it’s a very simple choice. It’s me or it’s Leinster. You decide’

‘Ross, I think you’re finally getting your comeuppance from the universe’

‘Dude, you’re not in Ballsbridge now,’ I tell the old man. ‘This is Las f**king Braygas!’

I have zero interest in her in that way – is it weird that I want to spend time with this girl?

‘There’s nothing wrong with Bray, Ross,’ the old man says. Literally. Word for word

‘Sorcha, I don’t need ChatGPT to tell me how to talk to my daughter and the girl she’s seeing’

‘Potatoes au gratin? My old dear used to say they’re for people with money but no class’

We’re driving through Donnybrook and Sorcha shouts ‘Stop!’

‘Ross,’ Sorcha goes, ‘we’re not going to Dubai. We cancelled because of the war.’ I’m there, ‘What war?’ and I genuinely mean it

‘We’re losing, like, 32-0. The Blackrock first years are taking us aport’

‘I’m so full of myself this morning that I’m actually making myself sick’

‘There you go with the school rivalry thing again. You need to move on’

‘The woman is as C as M – as my old dear used to say. Common as muck’

‘How embarrassing is it for me to have three kids who are absolutely focking useless at rugby?’

The words every south Dublin rugby parent dreads: ‘Dad, I want to join the drama society’

Popular Podcasts

‘Wait a minute, are you telling me there’s a World Cup in soccer?’

‘Your accent is up and down like a focked umbrella,’ I tell the old man