Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times

Described by George Hook as the greatest Irish player never to make it and described by everyone else who knows him as a shallow, self-obsessed idiot.

Episodes

‘I don’t like who my son has become since he started playing rugby. He’s full of himself’

October 31, 2025 • 6 mins

The room is absolutely rammers and I’m listening outside the door as various randomers talk s, h, one, t, about me and my famous coaching methods.

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‘There’s no such thing as academic-sporting balance. Not in schools that are serious about being winners’

October 24, 2025 • 6 mins

There’s a meeting. That’s the big news of the day. I’m like, “What kind of a meeting?” And Fionn goes, “Ross, you’re not invited.”

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This is my son now – north Dublin’s leading wine snob

October 21, 2025 • 6 mins

“Here, Rosser,” Ronan goes, pouring me a lorge glass of red, “get yisser laughing gear around that.”

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‘I’m not going to call you Mister anything,’ I tell the deputy principal, and the boys all stort sniggering

October 10, 2025 • 6 mins

So – yeah, no – the kids are all standing around me in a semi-circle and they’re, like, hanging on my every word. And I’m in my absolute element, of course, going, “Today, I’m going to teach you guys a thing or two about passing this beautiful object,” showing them a rugby ball. “Now, can anyone here name some types of passes that we might use in rugby?”

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Honor’s date for the debs is a looker. She clearly takes after her old man in that regord

October 3, 2025 • 6 mins

Sorcha is up to pretty much 90. It’s the night of Honor’s debs and we’re all waiting for her date, Iarlaith – yeah, no, a girl – to arrive. Sorcha’s old pair are here, as well as my old man, then 10 or 11 of Sorcha’s friends and half the Vico Road.

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Ronan pours the wine and goes, ‘It’s a surprising little number with notes of candyfloss, anchovies and balsawood’

September 26, 2025 • 7 mins

The street in front of the restaurant is absolutely rammers and I spot quite a few familiar faces – we’re talking former government ministers, we’re talking former High Court judges, we’re talking two or three former rugby internationals and one or two heads from RTÉ.

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‘You were mugged in Dalkey? Things like that don’t happen there’

September 19, 2025 • 6 mins

Sorcha lets out a scream when she sees me. It reminds me of the time during the recession when her BT loyalty cord was downgraded from Platinum to Electrum. It’s, like, high-pitched and – yeah, no – blood-curdling?

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‘I didn’t do a tap in school and yet life worked out pretty well for me’

September 12, 2025 • 6 mins

This is me in my absolute element. I’m there, “Rugby is a sport in which you travel forwards by going backwards, in which to succeed is to ‘try’ and in which the ball is shaped with the actual intention of breaking your hort.”

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‘The old man running a restaurant is like asking me to teach physics through Irish’

September 5, 2025 • 5 mins

Sorcha says she’s delighted for my old man. Yeah, no, as you may or may not have read in the pages of this paper, he and Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara have bought Shanahan’s on the Green and are planning to reopen it in, like, two weeks’ time.

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‘Rugby is the best idea we’ve ever come up with as a species,’ I go, channelling Fr Fehily

August 29, 2025 • 6 mins

It’s finally here. A day I’ve dreamt about for, like, 12 years. Brian, Johnny and Leo are storting school in Castlerock College, where their old man famously went and his old man before him.

irishtimes.com

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Sorcha goes, ‘The Dalkey Lobster Festival is this weekend. How am I going to show my face?’

August 22, 2025 • 6 mins

“I remember when you got your Leaving Cert results,” Sorcha’s old man goes. “I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud of you, Dorling.”

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‘I think you should have a conversation with Honor about her drinking,’ Sorcha goes

August 15, 2025 • 5 mins

So – yeah, no – we’re in the cor, on the way to the airport, to collect Honor, who’s coming home from her Leaving Cert holiday in, believe it or not, Magaluf.

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‘I got thrun out of Amedica,’ Ronan goes. ‘Me visa was revoked’

August 8, 2025 • 7 mins

So I’m walking around town with Ronan and – yeah, no – we’re playing a game we used to play when he was, like, eight years old: when we pass a shop or restaurant, he tells me whether it’s a real business or a money-laundering front.

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When Honor drops the news, I sit there with my mouth open like someone from Roscommon seeing escalators for the first time

August 1, 2025 • 5 mins

Sorcha tells Honor that she’s leaving it very late.

Honor’s like, “What are you talking about?”

And Sorcha goes, “I’m talking about the debs, Honor.”

Honor’s there, “Not this again,” and she’s right because her old is like a dog with a chew toy.

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The old dear made a seating plan for her own funeral. She didn’t want ugly people in the first three pews

July 25, 2025 • 6 mins

Sorcha says I can’t wear those.

And I’m like, “My Dubes? What’s wrong with my Dubes?”

She goes, “You can’t wear Dubes to a funeral, Ross. Put a pair of actual shoes on.”

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I get this sudden flashback to when I was six or seven and I’d hold the wheel steady for the old dear while she drove home, half-cut

July 18, 2025 • 6 mins

“Okay,” the old man goes, “here’s another one you, Kicker!” because – yeah, no – he’s written a book of his Fifty Years of Letters to The Irish Times, which Honor has helped pull together for him. “Listen to this one! Dear Madam. Whilst sorting through the vegetable tower in the kitchen the other morning, I discovered an oval-shaped tuber with a pale yellow flesh. Is this a record?”

No one laughs – except him, of course?

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The old dear goes, ‘Sorcha? I don’t know anyone of that name. Is she one of your tarts, Ross?’

July 11, 2025 • 6 mins

The room is absolutely rammers and through the door I spot so many faces from the past. We’re talking Angela and Dermot from the campaign to move Funderland to the northside. We’re talking Ida and Clem from the campaign to stop the Luas from coming to Foxrock. We’re talking Lucy and Aednat from the campaign to stop poor people being allowed into the National Gallery.

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Oisinn goes, ‘Dude, you’re saying goodbye. You do realise that? You’re saying goodbye to your old dear’

July 4, 2025 • 5 mins

“What the fock?” Oisinn goes. “Are you serious?”

I’m there, “Oh, I’m serious all right. I’m as serious as – well, you know what.”

He goes, “A living funeral? Where did this idea even come from?"

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Brett goes, ‘She’s close to the end, Ross. I was thinking we should arrange a living funeral for her’

June 27, 2025 • 6 mins

“He must have been in a fight last night,” Sorcha goes.

And – yeah, no – she’s talking about my brother slash half-brother, Brett.

I’m there, “Why do you say he was in a fight?”

And she goes, “Oh my God, didn’t you see the bruises on his neck when he came home this morning?”

Seriously, sometimes it’s like she was never young at all.

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I’m always telling Sorcha to tone down the southside when we come out to Bray but she never listens

June 20, 2025 • 6 mins

I’m like, “Bray?”

And Sorcha’s there, “Yes, Ross – Bray!”

I’m like, “But why do we have to go to Bray?” sounding like a spoiled child – in other words, one of ours.

irishtimes.com

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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times

Episodes

.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}‘I don’t like who my son has become since he started playing rugby. He’s full of himself’

.css-r6mb8g{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:1;overflow:hidden;}‘There’s no such thing as academic-sporting balance. Not in schools that are serious about being winners’

This is my son now – north Dublin’s leading wine snob

‘I’m not going to call you Mister anything,’ I tell the deputy principal, and the boys all stort sniggering

Honor’s date for the debs is a looker. She clearly takes after her old man in that regord

Ronan pours the wine and goes, ‘It’s a surprising little number with notes of candyfloss, anchovies and balsawood’

‘You were mugged in Dalkey? Things like that don’t happen there’

‘I didn’t do a tap in school and yet life worked out pretty well for me’

‘The old man running a restaurant is like asking me to teach physics through Irish’

‘Rugby is the best idea we’ve ever come up with as a species,’ I go, channelling Fr Fehily

Sorcha goes, ‘The Dalkey Lobster Festival is this weekend. How am I going to show my face?’

‘I think you should have a conversation with Honor about her drinking,’ Sorcha goes

‘I got thrun out of Amedica,’ Ronan goes. ‘Me visa was revoked’

When Honor drops the news, I sit there with my mouth open like someone from Roscommon seeing escalators for the first time

The old dear made a seating plan for her own funeral. She didn’t want ugly people in the first three pews

I get this sudden flashback to when I was six or seven and I’d hold the wheel steady for the old dear while she drove home, half-cut

The old dear goes, ‘Sorcha? I don’t know anyone of that name. Is she one of your tarts, Ross?’

Oisinn goes, ‘Dude, you’re saying goodbye. You do realise that? You’re saying goodbye to your old dear’

Brett goes, ‘She’s close to the end, Ross. I was thinking we should arrange a living funeral for her’

I’m always telling Sorcha to tone down the southside when we come out to Bray but she never listens

Popular Podcasts

‘I don’t like who my son has become since he started playing rugby. He’s full of himself’

‘There’s no such thing as academic-sporting balance. Not in schools that are serious about being winners’