Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times

Described by George Hook as the greatest Irish player never to make it and described by everyone else who knows him as a shallow, self-obsessed idiot.

Episodes

‘We’ve been trying to break them up, haven’t we? A year or two in the clink – he won’t wait for her’

September 25, 2026 • 6 mins

The old man tells Hennessy that he has every faith in him. Hennessy’s like, “Wait a minute, what?” Yeah, no, we’re sitting in the District Court in Bray, waiting for Bernie’s case to be called.

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Four Feds step into the kitchen. One of them is like, ‘Well, Bernie?’

September 18, 2026 • 6 mins

“So, anyway, I tee’d off,” the old man goes, loving the sound of his own voice, “and of course I managed to slice the bloody-well ball and, well, naturally enough, it ended up in the lake!”

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‘I did the deed with the girlfriend of a very good friend and it’s been bothering my conscience lately’

September 11, 2026 • 6 mins

JP looks well – even though I don’t know what to call him any more? I’m like, “So how are things – I don’t know – Father?” He actually laughs at that? He’s there, “Ross, you don’t have to call me Father.” I’m like, “What do I call you then?” because it’s my first time seeing the dude since he finished his studies to become an actual prie...

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At the end of the summer, just like the rest of you, I’m sick of the sight of my children

September 4, 2026 • 6 mins

I think I’m on the record as saying that being a parent is one of those things that I just happen to be very, very good at without having to put any actual effort into it. Even allowing for that, at the end of a long, hot summer, just like the rest of you, I’m absolutely sick of the sight of my children and I’m glad they’re now someone else’s problem until the end of October.

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‘Your father’s playing golf in Doonbeg,’ Hennessy goes. ‘While the cat’s away, the mice will fornicate’

September 2, 2026 • 6 mins

Hennessy is grinning like a dog trying to pass a laundry ball through its urinary tract. Yeah, no, for five days now, me and Bernie from Bray of all places have been – in fairness – texting each other, and the dude is reading through the exchanges, some of which are pretty, it might be a word, explicit?

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Charlie is serious about marrying this woman. You haven’t heard the worst of it yet. No prenup

August 21, 2026 • 6 mins

Hennessy actually laughs when he sees me sitting at the bor with a pint of the old Dutch medicine in front of me. He’s like, “What the hell are you doing here?”

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‘Oh my God! Your dad’s new girlfriend has entered the Wicklow Pollock Queen competition!’

August 7, 2026 • 6 mins

Everybody knows about the Dalkey Lobster Festival. It’s coming up in, like, two weeks’ time, and Sorcha is already practising her walk and wave for the Parade of Lobster Queens Past, wearing the sash and crown that she’s held onto ever since her victory in 2008, at the stort of the crash, on a platform of, I want to say, hope?

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‘My son has opened a museum celebrating criminality. I wish people would stop asking if I’m proud’

July 31, 2026 • 6 mins

All of Ronan’s old mates are there. We’re talking Buckets of Blood. We’re talking Stacks of Money. We’re talking Nudger. We’re talking Gull. It’s actually Stacks of Money who sidles up to me as I’m watching Ronan across the room, chatting to Paul Reynolds from RTÉ.

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The old man has a Tesco Clubcord. Jesus, it’s worse than I thought

July 20, 2026 • 6 mins

The old man looks wretched. I say it to him as well. I’m like, “You look focking wretched – worse than usual"

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‘Wait a minute, are you telling me there’s a World Cup in soccer?’

June 26, 2026 • 5 mins

“The fock is going on here?” I go. Because – yeah, no – I’ve arrived home to find my wife, my four sons and my in-laws sitting in front of the TV watching, quite literally, a soccer match? My reaction is basically the same as it would be if I arrived home to find Sorcha in bed with Russell Crowe.

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‘Your accent is up and down like a focked umbrella,’ I tell the old man

June 20, 2026 • 6 mins

So me and Ronan swing out to – believe it or not – Bray, just to see how my old man is getting on. I’ve a bet with him that he won’t last the summer living out there and I like to check on my investment from time to time.

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‘I’m not giving that kid the money. Not a focking chance’

June 12, 2026 • 6 mins

I absolutely despise Christian’s wife, Lauren. I say it as well. Not to her face obviously. Sorcha goes, “Ross, you shouldn’t despise anyone.” This coming from the girl who refuses to watch anything with Jake Gyllenhaal in it because he broke Taylor Swift’s hort a life sentence ago.

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We filled a skip with all the things Sorcha decided she can live without, until she changed her mind

June 5, 2026 • 6 mins

So the latest “thing” in our house is the Swedish death clean. For those of you who aren’t married to Sorcha Lalor, this is a decluttering method that’s meant to spare your loved ones the trouble of sorting through your shit after you’ve dropped the mic.

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‘Nobody can say I haven’t put my body on the line for this Leinster team’

May 29, 2026 • 6 mins

The old man says he thinks he might not live long enough to see Leinster win the European Cup again. I tell him I’m only 46 years old and I’m storting to feel the same way.

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‘Ross, it’s a very simple choice. It’s me or it’s Leinster. You decide’

May 22, 2026 • 5 mins

Sorcha says she’s – oh my God – so excited about Saturday and I tell her I am too. She goes, “These are the moments, aren’t they?” Which is random because she’s hasn’t shown the slightest flicker of interest in rugby since she thought Rob Kearney gave her a smile and a wave at Taste of Dublin the year before the pandemic and I didn’t have the hort to tell her that he was smiling...

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‘Ross, I think you’re finally getting your comeuppance from the universe’

May 15, 2026 • 6 mins

So what do you think? Yeah, no, Nicola – as in, like, Honor’s girlfriend – is showing me a watch that she bought from, like, Tiffany of all places? It must be, like, a grand’s worth.

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‘Dude, you’re not in Ballsbridge now,’ I tell the old man. ‘This is Las f**king Braygas!’

May 8, 2026 • 6 mins

The old man asks me if I’ve been boning up on my Spanish ahead of the trip to Bilbao. I’m like, “Is that where Bilbao is? In Spain?” I honestly think I learned more from rugby than I ever did at school.

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I have zero interest in her in that way – is it weird that I want to spend time with this girl?

May 1, 2026 • 6 mins

So I’m in the gym and I’m bench-pressing, I don’t know, something ridiculous, when all of a sudden there’s someone standing over me and – yeah, no – they’re, like, talking to me? I take out the old AirPods and sit up and it ends up being Nicola, as in, like, Honor’s new – in fairness – girlfriend.

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‘There’s nothing wrong with Bray, Ross,’ the old man says. Literally. Word for word

April 24, 2026 • 6 mins

The old man is sitting in the corner of what was once Shanahan’s on the Green, sucking on a Cohiba the size of a Daihatsu exhaust.

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‘Sorcha, I don’t need ChatGPT to tell me how to talk to my daughter and the girl she’s seeing’

April 17, 2026 • 6 mins

Sorcha asks me how I’m feeling and I tell her I’m in scintillating form – especially after the win over Sale yesterday. I’m half-thinking of doing my joke about having a semi to look forward to – but then I think better of it.

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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times

Episodes

.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}‘We’ve been trying to break them up, haven’t we? A year or two in the clink – he won’t wait for her’

.css-r6mb8g{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:1;overflow:hidden;}Four Feds step into the kitchen. One of them is like, ‘Well, Bernie?’

‘I did the deed with the girlfriend of a very good friend and it’s been bothering my conscience lately’

At the end of the summer, just like the rest of you, I’m sick of the sight of my children

‘Your father’s playing golf in Doonbeg,’ Hennessy goes. ‘While the cat’s away, the mice will fornicate’

Charlie is serious about marrying this woman. You haven’t heard the worst of it yet. No prenup

‘Oh my God! Your dad’s new girlfriend has entered the Wicklow Pollock Queen competition!’

‘My son has opened a museum celebrating criminality. I wish people would stop asking if I’m proud’

The old man has a Tesco Clubcord. Jesus, it’s worse than I thought

‘Wait a minute, are you telling me there’s a World Cup in soccer?’

‘Your accent is up and down like a focked umbrella,’ I tell the old man

‘I’m not giving that kid the money. Not a focking chance’

We filled a skip with all the things Sorcha decided she can live without, until she changed her mind

‘Nobody can say I haven’t put my body on the line for this Leinster team’

‘Ross, it’s a very simple choice. It’s me or it’s Leinster. You decide’

‘Ross, I think you’re finally getting your comeuppance from the universe’

‘Dude, you’re not in Ballsbridge now,’ I tell the old man. ‘This is Las f**king Braygas!’

I have zero interest in her in that way – is it weird that I want to spend time with this girl?

‘There’s nothing wrong with Bray, Ross,’ the old man says. Literally. Word for word

‘Sorcha, I don’t need ChatGPT to tell me how to talk to my daughter and the girl she’s seeing’

Popular Podcasts

‘We’ve been trying to break them up, haven’t we? A year or two in the clink – he won’t wait for her’

Four Feds step into the kitchen. One of them is like, ‘Well, Bernie?’