Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times

Described by George Hook as the greatest Irish player never to make it and described by everyone else who knows him as a shallow, self-obsessed idiot.

Episodes

Honor is only running for Mount Anville head girl to downgrade her old dear’s greatest life achievement

April 27, 2024 • 6 mins

The old man steps into the kitchen with a Montecristo the size of a rolled-up yoga mat burning between his fat fingers. Sorcha storts coughing – her passive-aggressive way of telling him that we don’t allow smoking in this house – but he just ignores her, like he did when she tried to introduce a similar rule about shoes.

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‘There’s a video of me doing the rounds on this famous Tick Tocks dot com’

April 22, 2024 • 6 mins

How quickly the years go by. That’s what I’m thinking as I’m taking the right turn at Donnybrook Bus Depot.

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‘You should be ashamed of yourselves! We’re old enough to be your parents and we’ve taken you to three sets!’

April 12, 2024 • 6 mins

I had my nightmare again last night, the one where I have a one-night stand with Taylor Swift and then I ghost the girl and she ends up writing 15 or 16 songs about me and they’re on the radio constantly. And – yeah, no – I woke up screaming.

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‘If you play that match, Ross, our marriage is over’

April 8, 2024 • 6 mins

Sorcha is upset. I totally get that? But I haven’t seen her over-react like this since I ate a tin of macadamias from the hotel mini-bor on a weekend city break in Ljubljana.

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‘You are not having a hort attack! I’m not allowing it!’

March 29, 2024 • 6 mins

Réaltín smiles. Which might well be a first for her. Yeah, no, we’re in Baldoyle of all places, playing Thor Frimann and Lisa Murray – the reigning champions – in the semi-finals of the mixed doubles at the Leinster Padel Championships. It’s, like, one set apiece and we’re winning 5-4 in the third.

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‘I didn’t play football for Rathnew. I didn’t play football for anyone. I resent the allegation’

March 22, 2024 • 5 mins

I tell Honor that I’m proud of her.

I’m there, “Obviously, I don’t mean that literally?” because all she’s actually done is spend her Paddy’s Day picking litter up off the beach in Curracloe as port of her community service. “I’m proud of the way you’re, like, owning what you did?”

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Three European Cups, three Six Nations, one Grand Slam – but never winning a Leinster Schools Senior Cup clearly still rankles Heaslip

March 15, 2024 • 5 mins

I’m the first to arrive. I order a pint of the obvious and I do a quick circuit of the place. There’s no one here yet, even though I said eight o’clock and it’s quarter-past already. Fr Fehily wouldn’t have put up with that. What was it he used to say? Better three hours too early than a minute too late?

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‘Don’t tell me I don’t know Ross O’Carroll-Kelly. You bullied me for most of secondary school’

March 8, 2024 • 5 mins

I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later.

“Ross?” the dude goes, pulling a face at me across the net. “Ross O’Carroll-Kelly?”

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‘I haven’t cheated on you in, like, 10 years, though – well, let’s just say a long time’

March 1, 2024 • 5 mins

Sorcha asks me straight out if I’m having an affair.

I’m like, “Why would you even think that?”

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Honor rubs at the graffiti with a dainty, circular motion, like she’s applying foundation to the face of an elderly loved one

February 23, 2024 • 6 mins

I haven’t seen Honor look this angry since the time she spear-tackled a woman who tried to cheat her out of first place in the sack race at the Castle Pork Dalkey Open Sports Day.

She’s like, “What ... the ... fock?”

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Sorcha goes, ‘I don’t need a 26-old copy of Cosmopolitan to tell me that I married the wrong man’

February 16, 2024 • 6 mins

Sorcha says she’s sorry and I’m there, “Hey, it’s cool,” even though I’ve no idea what she’s even apologising for?

She goes, “Oh my God, I was such an idiot.”

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Our daughter came out of the womb with two middle fingers raised to the world. That’s not down to us

February 10, 2024 • 6 mins

“If some wooden comes at you with a shank,” Ronan goes, “grab them be the wrist and twist it, then hit them at the base of the nose with the heel of yisser hand, driving upwards. Upwards – that’s it."

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'I’ve got my top off, and Réaltín’s looking at me like my old man turning his nose up at cheap steak'

February 2, 2024 • 5 mins

So I’m shaking hands with Hugh and Marie Atcheson after our latest victory in the Leinster Padel Championships and the famous Réaltín – as in, like, my mixed doublesportner? – is just, like, glowering at me.

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‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly is not the victim. She is a highly intelligent young woman from a privileged background’

January 26, 2024 • 7 mins

Honor pretends to sneeze, but instead of ‘achoo!’ she goes ‘fock you!’ to the prosecution barrister

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‘How could the child of a mother who puts the mental into environmental action grow up with a moral compass?’

January 19, 2024 • 6 mins

So Honor is lying on her bed, her nose stuck in her phone, presumably trolling people on social media, when I tell her that Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara is here to talk about her case.

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'She’s hord work, my new padel portner. But the girl fascinates me. She’s like a female me'

January 15, 2024 • 6 mins

Réaltín and I have an intuitive understanding that only great lovers, or an out-half and his inside-centre, could fully understand

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‘Ross, this was my sliding doors moment. And I made the wrong choice’

January 5, 2024 • 6 mins

Sorcha has made an alarming discovery during her annual New Year’s Day clear-out.

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‘The Leopardstown Races, eh, Ross? A great way to blow off the old cobwebs after Christmas!’

December 29, 2023 • 6 mins

Leopardstown on Stephen Zuzz Day is a tradition for the O’Carroll-Kelly men

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Honor is like, ‘There’s no chocolate Kimberleys left,’ and that’s when I end up suddenly losing my sh*t

December 22, 2023 • 6 mins

It’s three days before the big day and Cornelscourt is like the Battle of the Bastards scene from Game of Thrones

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‘Oh my God, is this really all the books that we own as a family? I’m so ashamed’

December 15, 2023 • 7 mins

Sorcha wants to make our own Christmas tree out of books this year. I think she’s been at the eggnog

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Mark as Played

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