Greatest Trek: New Star Trek Reviewed

When a private sub-space message is “delivered” to the Enterprise, Kirk and Co. make their way to Star Base 11. But when Spock takes this opportunity to abduct captain Pike and the ship, there’s no TAL-ing what can happen. Is this Spock from an alternate Trek timeline? Will Bones address the elephant on the bridge? Can Pike scratch that itch? It’s the episode that doesn’t say “fire” but leaves its finger on the button.

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When Kirk and co. stumble upon an unavoidable-glowing-cube-boi they get stuck in an awkward spot. But when Balok toys with the way The Enterprise normally handles new encounters, it’s time to see what the alien looks like and escape the tractor beam. Is Spock too cool for school? What’s that big ear-spring? Have Halloween decorations improved? It’s the episode that gives you a Howard over the wrong frequency!

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When a cargo exchange with a penal colony puts a clever escapee aboard the Entrepreneur, Bones is suspicious of the famous Doctor Adams and pressures Captain Kirk to investigate. But after beaming down with Dr. Noel and jumping into the lobotomy recliner himself, Kirk resists interrogation and Adams learns exactly why his treatment is a failure. What’s the best way to avoid a workplace accident? Which word is particularly remarkabl...

When the Entrepreneur receives an SOS from an exact copy of Earth, the only question that interests the crew is whether anyone might still be alive. But after the away team kills a zombie and meets some kids who are hundreds of years old, they become infected and have to work out a cure to make it out of quarantine in time. Is there a correct number of mugs? How does a flat Earth captain orbit a planet? What could be considered ass...

When the Entrepreneur arrives at Dr. Korby’s last known location, Nurse Chapel is on speakerphone when he calls up Captain Kirk. But after they beam down to meet his new “friends” and lose two crew members in the caves, Dr. Korby shorts out on love and wipes the slate clean on his mechanistic culture. Which sport is really disgusting? What new square won’t be added to the game of buttholes? How are dishwashers shaped on Exo 3?  It’...

When Kirk & Co. pick up an untrustworthy businessman named Harvey Mudd and his women associates, the men on the Enterprise are overtaken by a spell. But when Mudd turns out to be making deals behind Kirk’s back, it’s finally time to pry off this annoying barnacle. Will Kirk be able to withstand the spell? How much slink can you get in one episode? What’s with the groovy Spock? It’s the episode Big Rod wrote after watching a Nancy S...

When a transporter malfunction strands an away team on a freezing planet, it also creates evil duplicates of Captain Kirk and a weird dog. But after naughty Kirk takes things too far with Yeoman Rand, nice Kirk is convinced to face the fear of recombination. Who is allowed to do father-in-law impressions? What’s the best way to heal an open wound? When would Spock beat Kirk at 3D chess? It’s the episode that’s at the headwaters of ...

When JOE TORMOLEN has an itch he just can't resist, he scratches his way towards starting a full blown pandemic of space madness on the Enterprise. But after Lieutenant Riley takes control of the ship and finds a captive audience for his manosphere podcast, Kirk and Spock set out to find a way to regain command of the Enterprise. Who gets the first neck pinch? When is it appropriate to touch a stranger's love handles? Why even use ...

When a visiting psychiatrist and the Captain’s pet get shocked at the edge of the galaxy, their godlike tendencies begin to threaten the ship. But after the perfect amount of tranquilizer gets Mitchell down to Delta Vega, Kirk has to rock his old pal into an early grave. What’s the first thing you should look for at a party? Who plays 3-D checkers? Is there something important that Star Trek has only done once? It’s the episode tha...

When a horny teenage boy comes aboard and starts making dramatic entrances, everyone wants Kirk to play Captain Daddy to help the young slickback with his social skills. But after Charlie gets obsessed with Yeoman Rand and takes control of the ship with his mind, Green Grandpa has to come and take him away to save the Entrepreneur from his powers. Whose Wikipedia page is getting edited this week? Where is HR located on the ship? Wh...

When a routine medical visit to an Orange Julius planet introduces Star Trek’s first cranky scientist and hot babe duo, a member of the away team dies mysteriously and still the couple’s main priority is getting more salt. But after Nancy is revealed to be a shapeshifter and more crew deaths bring salt bae up to the ship, Dr. McCoy is faced with shooting his long-lost love to save Captain Kirk’s life. How is Greatest Gen like ancie...

When in recovery mode after a battle on Rigel VII, Captain Pike and the crew of the Enterprise try to avoid the 18 year-old distress call from the Talos Region. But when Spock interrupts a martini meeting between Pike and Boyce, it’s time to gather a team and Time-Warp again! Will Pike survive the thoughts of Talosians? Will Vina be there if Pike returns? Despite all his rage, is Pike just a rat in a cage? It’s the episode that giv...

When Dr. Korby leads the Entrepreneur to an octahedron on Skygowan, Dr. M’Benga is captured by reanimated Ensign Gamble and Captain Batel feels called to intervene. But after the two captains live an entire life in flash forwards, everyone embraces their destiny and the crew continues on its five-year mission. Which book is Vice Admiral Pasalt looking forward to re-reading? How do you force someone to replace a bed? What’s the best...

When Lieutenant Ortegas crashes on the wrong side of a wormhole, she finds an injured lady Gorns to play chess with and who’s also willing to be big spoon. But after Uhura lies to Pike about a dangerous rescue attempt, La’An ends up shooting Gornette on sight and Ortegas only keeps some of her memories. Where has NuTrek overcorrected? How can a hobo encampment feel instantly more comforting? What don’t you get on any other Star Tre...

When the Entrepreneur is the only ship in range to fix a pre-warp Chernobyl, the away team has to become peak Vulcan and unfortunately they decide not to change back. But after destroying both personal and professional lives, Una gets Doug involved and Spock has to dance La’An’s katra back to reality. What would look great on The Sphere in Vegas? Where does Pike go when he gets kicked out of his quarters? Who has a very short refra...

When Humberto’s documentary turns out to be a hit piece, asking squishy questions about colonialism leads to mostly having security footage. But after the weaponized Jikaru takes to space and can’t be controlled by the Entrepreneur, they grant its final wish in defiance of the Lutani. Who couldn’t be reached for an interview? When is an ECU not threatening? How would Scotty deal with an injured horse? It’s the episode with 9 millio...

When James T. Kirk is super bored as First Officer on the Farragut, his run of bad decisions starts even before a Trogdor attack thrusts him into command. But after Enterprise saves his ass and gets chomped by the scavenger ship instead, now Captain Kirk has to figure out his leadership style in time to set a trap and own the consequences. Who isn’t too old for a one-day pod turn? What will be the actual relics of our civilization?...

When Ensign Gamble joins his first dustbuster club, he picks up a grenade and gets an emergency trip back to sicksbay. But after the rest of the team solves the escape room puzzle, Captain Batel goes Gorn on Gamble’s ghost and Pelia opts for maximum drama. What’s the only thing more embarrassing than being a documentary filmmaker? Who got a macaron for going poopoo in the potty? Why didn’t Chapel do bits on blood magic? It’s the ep...

When La’an gets assigned to trash the holodeck during a neutron star mission, Scotty sets her up with a terrible crime to investigate. But after she requests some help and Spock joins the illusion, their lack of weird energy helps her solve the case in time to save the Entrepreneur. Who’s aggressively skating towards an award in this episode? Which character has ‘tism rizz? What needs to be more of a bit? It’s the episode that alwa...