Greatest Trek: New Star Trek Reviewed

When Jellico orders Janeway and Chakotay back to Earth, Gwyn gets a call from Solum and Asencia starts attacking. But after the crew splits up and Voyager can’t figure our where to shoot, we finally learn why Wesley hasn’t been helping out lately. What’s Ben’s cigar and whiskey? How did Chakotay work out a winning strategy with Janeway? Which magazine proves that print isn’t dead? It’s the episode that’s filling in the adult blanks...

When proto-warp cracks the universe’s cocaine mirror, the kids arrive back at Voyager to find a ship shattered into different realities. But when Jamie Lee Janeway and Goatee Chakotay learn about the Loom the hard way, Gwyn and her armband set everything right for a happy reunion. What can we expect out of Prodigy Season 3? When do kids become Steve Zahn appropriate? Where did Maj’El disappear to? It’s the episode that presents the...

When a dustbuster club heads out in search of bosonite, they find scary tribbles that bite and a Klingon scientist to make fun of. But when their missions align and Rok-Tahk’s mistake ends up saving the day, the cadets leave yet another character behind as they set a course back to Voyager A. What’s not even wrong with Ben this time? How many lies does it take to make a web? Where does a Star Trek podcaster keep their joke Derringe...

When Chakotay and the cadets decide to A-Team the Protostar, they sail it towards a dangerous storm to collect the deuterium they need to go fast. But when Dal fails on ship-steering duty and starts to question his future, Chakotay encourages him to explore a different career path that sends them both overboard. Who thinks a lot about the Shinzon Incident? How is this story like an evening in Nashville? Which Prodigy character is D...

When the cadets find themselves marooned with a very grumpy Chakotay, Holo Janeway has to convince him not to let them die outside. But when the kids start to gain his trust and Dal goes missing, the search and rescue mission turns into a funeral cruise for birdman. What have the scientists stopped making? Why can’t Adreek be buried in a Jewish cemetery? Is there a first rule of ship wreck? It’s the episode that’s only functioning ...

When the Loom starts attacking Gary Seven’s office, Voyager’s away team beams down to a Tarsem Singh situation. But when Dal brings Maj’El into the quantum equation, Wesley’s calculations open a hole that tank-top Janeway allows the cadets to go through. Which TV show do sick kids need today? Whose phone has been disconnected? What’s both embarrassing and tragic? It’s the episode that’s frozen in primal fear.

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When the kids finally arrive at the coordinates only to find Wesley Crusher instead of the Protostar, there’s no time to answer the many questions he raises. But when he helps them escape the space panthers and takes them to Gary Seven’s apartment, Janeway defies Jellico’s orders and arrives in search of the cadets. What’s the best place to confront LeVar Burton? Who is the reason for the season? Which character has part one promis...

When Zero’s broken-suit lifestyle leads to a telepathic cold call, the kids agree to a side quest so they can get their Medusan friend all fixed up. But when an impulsive decision to go straight for long green body leads to a thrilling chase through some flowers, Zero ultimately decides to stick with the dance partners that brought them and leave Lobster Fest behind. What’s Star Trek’s version of “are you gonna eat that?” Which mid...

When Jankom Pog clogs up the Infinity, getting to Chakotay’s nebula faster means flying through a Borg conduit. But when they’re pulled out of the green tunnel by a Kazon Maje, Zero’s heroics lead to a broken suit. Who wouldn’t have a problem on Hot Ones? Which script is the USS Infinity’s registry printed in? When is a foosball table like a starship? It’s the episode that could never ride transit backwards.

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When the cadets are on lockdown as the Infinity is being sent to its fiery blue death, programming holo doubles is their only plan for saving the timeline. But when their copies are good enough to cause an identity crisis, the Rok-Tahks work together to figure out who gets to escape on the Infinity. What’s gaining traction in state legislatures? Who is rolling around in her grave? Which movie franchise is not for making sense? It’s...

When Admiral Janeway puts the cadets through a kid-style tribunal, the senior officers don’t believe their story and Dr. Mark gets assigned as babysitter. But when Admiral Jellico orders Janeway to destroy the time hole, the kids translate Murf-speak and get a new clue about where to find Chakotay. Who is starting to catch strays on the Uxbridge-Shimoda family of shows? What does Murf refuse to wear in the shower? Which ship’s coun...

When Gwyn has critically low hit points at the bottom of the Va’Lu’Rah hole, her young father puts her first while she gets a mysterious message directly from the cosmos. But when the kids on the Infinity get a strange message in calculator font, they decide to time travel to find Gwyn before it’s too late to save her. What does “it’s complicated” actually mean? Why can’t anyone get a ride on this show? Which name-brand director de...

When Dal and the team crash on a wasteland version of Solum, they get imprisoned with Captain Chakotay and try not to mess up the timeline. But when the Protostar leaves Solum with two extra people aboard, Gwyn starts Back To The Futuring at a critical point in the Va'Lu'Rah. What’s the risk of sharing binoculars? Why aren’t there more puffers? Where will you never get a courtesy wave? It’s the episode that‘s way in the pocket of S...

When Asencia pre-poisoned the well on Solum, Gwyn’s failed attempt at first contact leads her to a younger version of her father. But when Admiral Janeway arrives at the space hole only to hear from a creepy talking orb, a series of loud-mouthed gaffes by Dal results in a capital Dun Dun Dun into the anomaly. What’s the scariest thing humans have ever invented? How would we know if the rest o the universe is completely fucked up? I...

When Janeway calls upon our favorite crew members from the Protostar, they all drop what they're doing to join a new adventure. But when the kids realize the adults are keeping certain information and shuttle bays secret, they hatch a new cockamamie scheme and jump into the Jefferies tubes. Does Rok-Tahk sink or does she swim? How do you actually make money on YouTube? Does the "A" in Voyager-A stand for "ass"? It’s the episode tha...

When Emperor Georgiou’s backstory doesn’t make her any more redeemable, getting pulled into a Section 31 mission gives her another chance to do the right thing. But when their assignment reveals a relic from her own destructive past, gruesomely killing her childhood boyfriend doesn’t exactly earn her atonement. Was there a code name for this movie during production? What are the mirror universe Borgs like? Why don’t strippers die w...

When Bill Tilley appears to ask Ben and Adam some hard-hitting questions from the Friends of DeSoto, f/m/k becomes issue one. But after Bill repeatedly crashes his 1987 Plymouth Turismo, the guys start to wonder if they should push him out of the driver’s seat. When will Ben reach terminal levels of Josh? Will there ever be another Borgs storyline? How much of Ben and Adam’s business acumen is bit based? It’s the episode that think...

When the stakes couldn’t be higher for the crew of the Cerritos, Relga shows up and starts serving Star Trek V energy. But when the nearby Schrödinger field creates quantum fuckery on both sides, Malor’s irrigation-based solution turns the angry red hole into a beautiful gateway. Does Relga’s lack of boob window convey something specific about her character? Which words are we no longer comfortable using? What was probably on the w...