Greatest Trek: New Star Trek Reviewed

When Humberto’s documentary turns out to be a hit piece, asking squishy questions about colonialism leads to mostly having security footage. But after the weaponized Jikaru takes to space and can’t be controlled by the Entrepreneur, they grant its final wish in defiance of the Lutani. Who couldn’t be reached for an interview? When is an ECU not threatening? How would Scotty deal with an injured horse? It’s the episode with 9 millio...

When James T. Kirk is super bored as First Officer on the Farragut, his run of bad decisions starts even before a Trogdor attack thrusts him into command. But after Enterprise saves his ass and gets chomped by the scavenger ship instead, now Captain Kirk has to figure out his leadership style in time to set a trap and own the consequences. Who isn’t too old for a one-day pod turn? What will be the actual relics of our civilization?...

When Ensign Gamble joins his first dustbuster club, he picks up a grenade and gets an emergency trip back to sicksbay. But after the rest of the team solves the escape room puzzle, Captain Batel goes Gorn on Gamble’s ghost and Pelia opts for maximum drama. What’s the only thing more embarrassing than being a documentary filmmaker? Who got a macaron for going poopoo in the potty? Why didn’t Chapel do bits on blood magic? It’s the ep...

When La’an gets assigned to trash the holodeck during a neutron star mission, Scotty sets her up with a terrible crime to investigate. But after she requests some help and Spock joins the illusion, their lack of weird energy helps her solve the case in time to save the Entrepreneur. Who’s aggressively skating towards an award in this episode? Which character has ‘tism rizz? What needs to be more of a bit? It’s the episode that alwa...

When Captain Batel’s last chance is a rare blossom from inside the restricted zone, Captain Pike and Dr. M’Benga shuttle down to a spooky garden center. But after a Klingon hunting party finds them and they fight off the flora together, only a warrior’s sacrifice can get the away team back to the ship. What’s bound to get old to a ghost? Why do Klingons hate flowers? How is Dr. M’Benga like the Raisin Bran sun? It’s the episode tha...

When Spock plans a grand romantic gesture for Nurse Chapel’s return, he’s surprised to learn their break led to sharing quarters with Dr. Corby. But after a leprechaun bartender spikes Spock's drink, Corby is sent to the proverbial cuck chair. How do you choose the tracklist for the most fucked-up mix tape? What kind of lists are Ben and Adam on? Which is better: snaps or jazz hands? It’s the episode that asks the stripper to sign ...

When Captain Pike is frozen in his battle armor, the Entrepreneur’s only means of escape is ramming speed. But after dangling on a cliff for almost two years, Captain Batel’s backside undergoes an emergency babality. Why do we remember Valeo Beta V? What does the Gorn feeding chamber not have? How do you know when a name is really back? It’s the episode where the line gets drawn HERE and then also a little further.

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When Ben and Adam let an FoD select a film for them to review, they are unsure what they'll get. But after they learn they'll be covering the third movie in a franchise, which is also a prequel, they slap on some fentanyl patches and do their best to keep quiet. Should you go from jack-off to marionnette or from marionnette to jack-off? What's the best way to destroy a bridge? Are squeakquels rodent specific? It’s the episode that'...

When the show’s most frequent guest returns for an impromptu job interview, we learn that hope springs eternal and the ideas list for Season 3 just keeps scrolling. But while Ben and Adam enjoy the bitter tannins of the world’s very last Prodigy interview, Waltke finally explains who reins supreme as Prodigy’s Barnus Franks. What would actually cause Murf to explode? Which whale can get it? Where does Waltke go for his technical in...

When it’s time for the ultimate episode of Prodigy, Wesley is shitting bricks and the Loom is attacking Solum. But after the cadets make it through the wormhole and close the time loop, they’re called back into action to defy Admiral Jellicoe one more time. What’s the contingency plan for a whale on the fritz? Is there an unspoken requirement of being a Starfleet captain? Who‘s the best Academy roommate? It’s the episode with a mis...

When the cadets split up to counter Asencia’s attack, the mathletes figure out how to make a pretty new wormhole while Dal gets the clock tower rigged for a lightning strike. But after Gwyn faces Asencia to reclaim her heirloom, the Loom shows up to block to the hole back to Tars Lamora. Can a single word can set a boundary? Which ancient symbol is both misunderstood and inspiring? What’s the whole point of Prodigy season2? It’s th...

When Asencia tries to lure Admiral Janeway into a trap, the kids learn the collared murder panther they’re afraid of wants to escape too. But when Dr. Mark plays dress up and civil war breaks out on Solum, the crew is reunited just in time for the finale. How is Star Trek Podcasting like a Pez dispenser? What’s a young man’s game? When will Ben and Adam die permanently? It’s the episode that doesn’t really feel sad about the lonely...

When the protégés get an undercover mission to Solum, they don’t have Starfleet’s cover if they’re caught snooping around on the surface. But when they meet a pre-bad Asencia and immediately trust her completely, Gwyn’s decision to split up the team throws Wesley’s future calculations off. How is Seattle better than New York City? What does El Salvador have that Rura Penthe doesn’t? Who’s leaving bodies in the rocks? It’s the episo...

When Voyager A is dead in the water and Protostar is the only ship that can help, Asencia fires a time weapon that pierces the hull and ages Commander Tyssis. But when Zero volunteers to Steve Zahn so they can take out the deathnok ship, Maj’El leads the fighter pilots to victory and Jankom Pog gets Zero some upgrades. How do you know if you’ve got Adam or a Chameloid? What’s the most popular metal band in Italy? Who taught Picard ...

When Jellico orders Janeway and Chakotay back to Earth, Gwyn gets a call from Solum and Asencia starts attacking. But after the crew splits up and Voyager can’t figure our where to shoot, we finally learn why Wesley hasn’t been helping out lately. What’s Ben’s cigar and whiskey? How did Chakotay work out a winning strategy with Janeway? Which magazine proves that print isn’t dead? It’s the episode that’s filling in the adult blanks...

When proto-warp cracks the universe’s cocaine mirror, the kids arrive back at Voyager to find a ship shattered into different realities. But when Jamie Lee Janeway and Goatee Chakotay learn about the Loom the hard way, Gwyn and her armband set everything right for a happy reunion. What can we expect out of Prodigy Season 3? When do kids become Steve Zahn appropriate? Where did Maj’El disappear to? It’s the episode that presents the...

When a dustbuster club heads out in search of bosonite, they find scary tribbles that bite and a Klingon scientist to make fun of. But when their missions align and Rok-Tahk’s mistake ends up saving the day, the cadets leave yet another character behind as they set a course back to Voyager A. What’s not even wrong with Ben this time? How many lies does it take to make a web? Where does a Star Trek podcaster keep their joke Derringe...

When Chakotay and the cadets decide to A-Team the Protostar, they sail it towards a dangerous storm to collect the deuterium they need to go fast. But when Dal fails on ship-steering duty and starts to question his future, Chakotay encourages him to explore a different career path that sends them both overboard. Who thinks a lot about the Shinzon Incident? How is this story like an evening in Nashville? Which Prodigy character is D...

When the cadets find themselves marooned with a very grumpy Chakotay, Holo Janeway has to convince him not to let them die outside. But when the kids start to gain his trust and Dal goes missing, the search and rescue mission turns into a funeral cruise for birdman. What have the scientists stopped making? Why can’t Adreek be buried in a Jewish cemetery? Is there a first rule of ship wreck? It’s the episode that’s only functioning ...