Welcome to the You Look Nice Today® Scat Immersion Program™.

No dogs, babies, or squares allowed.

In preparation for your first day on campus, please learn these key phrases, as they represent your final connection with your native tongue:

SCAT: Gom zibby, glom zibby, bop zibby domp!
ENGLISH: Please, do not raise your voice; I have a terrific heroin headache.

SCAT: Bomp ZEE bop! Spoo-da-lee BEE zot?
ENGLISH: Has this pepper s...

As part of a pilot program, The You Look Nice Today Foundation (a Delaware corporation) has recently undertaken a groundbreaking new outreach initiative to provide comfort to those in theoretical need.

So, YES: we will sell, lend, or lease you a built-to-purpose condition along with its appropriate consolation.

But, NO: we’re absolutely not Santa Claus. So, get real, you big fakers.

In any case. Get well soon, and her...

Welcome to the global premiere of the International You Look Nice Today Conference & Expo™!

Get ready for an epic showcase of big-idea ideations and tactical tactics to be held in the picturesque Los Altos Community Centre, December 2nd 2012!

Join old colleagues and make new friends in an immersive networking environment of blue-sky solutioneering and overcoats! Experience a wide-ranging and impactful offering of Keynotes, Pa...

ATTENTION! POOL RULES!

• Free swim Thursdays 4:00 - 4:15.
• Shower before entering pool. Also, shave before entering pool.
• This is a “Body Shame Free” zone. You must keep your eyes closed at all times.
• Chairs may only be saved with a passport, $50 bill, or a signed photo of Burt Reynolds.
• Towels ...

TO: Paul Polman, CEO
Unilever PLC
London, United Kingdom

Dear Mr. Polman,

I hope you can help me.

You are in charge of a massive, multinational food and detergent company. So I understand that you are a very busy man. My problem, while small compared to all of the things you must worry about every day, is of dire importance to me.

I have been a fan of your Ragu line of pasta sauces for many years.

Specifically, I lo...

Hello, my friend! Welcome to my humble automobile dealership!

Ah, yes. Very nice. I see you eyeing our all new 2013 Toyota Scimitar with optional Sports Package and Premium Ground Effects. This favored daughter of luxury is blessed with power steering, calfskin cup holders, and eleven LCD screens. And, she is yours today, my friend, for the pittance of $32,000.

Very nice!

[silence]

Ahhhhhhhhh, yes, my friend. ...

Thieving Threesome Nabbed

(California) Three men were detained and arrested at a local Target today, charged with the attempted theft of over $400 in merchandise. The men refused to identify themselves, giving only their local club affiliation: Gellies Local 416.

“This wasn’t your normal grab-and-go,” said Target assistant manager Charles Monjohnson. “Like what they were wearing: fezzes, vests, and some ki...

Welcome to Druthers, CA! Here are some tips for making the most of your visit with us:

• Yes. Keep checking your mailbox. No, again. Faster. Now, pay it forward.
• DO not touch the princess anywhere that her swimsuit would cover.
• No sighing in the doughnut l...