Backwater Bastards: An Actual Play Podcast
A team of artists telling THE GREATEST BEST FRIEND STORY that the galaxy has ever seen! While everybody else is out saving the world, we’re just trying to find the next best place to eat. Join us on our haphazard adventure.
Episodes
June 19, 2026 • 71 mins
Team Bastard is winning the race, but losing the war.
Turns out, leaving a spaceship full of stolen bioweapons in a parking lot after live streaming the theft to the whole galaxy was not the best plan. R.E.E.S.E. has sounded the alarm and called for help as mysterious interlopers kick down his door. Our racers face a tough call: how do you keep one foot in the race but steal your ride back at the same time? As usual, the answer is...
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May 28, 2026 • 72 mins
The dangers of the track chew into the racers like they’re free fried tentacles with extra sauce.
Things are heating up in the second stretch, and the Bastards aren’t the even the only ones that brought explosives! Despite that, they manage to power through AND teach young Robin something about the virtues of family, while enjoying a trains-eye view. (You’ll get that joke later. Maybe.)
Everything is looking...
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May 15, 2026 • 81 mins
The flag drops, the crowd roars, and the Bastards are gunning it.
Jordan is pulling, Trevor is driving (sort of), Cleo, Boris, and Robin are in the back doing something that smells like chemistry- and Ze is hanging off the back on a wheel and wreaking havoc.
The race starts out behind a massive spiked train filled with secrets. There are wraiths on the track, three-legged synths, the musical stylings of Bad Snax, and a mess of rowi...
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April 26, 2026 • 66 mins
The Bastards have Robin, and the whole dang universe is watching.
They’re cruising around when a radio broadcast cuts through the noise: family fun racing, open entry, and first prize is a brand new ship plating kit with a genuine, certified, SPACE SPOILER.
It’s BYOracecar, and you can’t leave the ground- so the Bastards head down into the belly of the R.E.E.S.E. to see what they can mod.
They rip the roof off...
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Mark as Played
March 27, 2026 • 71 mins
The Bastards make it to the black hole, ready to dispose of their universe-ending problem.
Unfortunately, Robin got there first.
Now bigger, weirder, and in control of a sentient armada, Robin has a plan- and it’s not exactly “leave the galaxy untouched.”
It doesn’t take long for the crew to vote for violence; but Cleo would like to try a bigger weapon…
Meanwhile, their location is blown, Bioli...
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Mark as Played
March 12, 2026 • 64 mins
The big bad of scheduling hit us! After all this is still a game that is a podcast, even us heroes roll nat 1 on scheduling hehe. But so that ya have something here is an episode from behind the Patreon. Love you all and we will be back on time again asap.
Black Hole Son wont ya come! . . .
The crew is back and absolutely nobody is staying on topic. This episode: the Big Light gets the analysis it deserves, the definitive sexy ...
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February 26, 2026 • 60 mins
Fresh off their ill-advised shopping spree of apocalyptic powdered bioweapons, The Bastards are faced with the age-old question: now what?
To help things along, Boris explains with the aid of a slideshow exactly how extinction-level their new cargo really is, and proposes the only ethical disposal method thinkable- tossing it into a primordial black hole from the dawn of creation.
Half decided, the Bastards continue to explore p...
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Mark as Played
February 12, 2026 • 111 mins
The Bastards, the robbers, and their hitchhiking friend Yorp are trapped in the Big Momma Fishing shop. Fortunately they’ve taken the shopkeeper hostage and discover a mysterious powder, which diffuses the situation. (Not.)
As negotiations unravel, Yorp calls in a favor from the strange vessel he’s been mumbling to, and a whole swarm of his friends arrive to smooth things over. (Sort of.)
At the end of the day, all th...
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Mark as Played
January 29, 2026 • 83 mins
Nobody likes shopping. But it’s worse when you’re in someone else’s body.
On the run, low on supplies, and badly in need of a reset, the Bastards hit a station to shop. Cleo needs clothes. Everyone needs a break.
Instead, they find subpar fishing merch, a hitchhiker, and a whole lot of eye contact from two shifty strangers. But hey! At least they made a new friend…
Starring:
DM Dick Dynamite the Dungeon M...
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January 15, 2026 • 76 mins
There has never been a time that the Bastards needed to go shopping more than today.
Well, there may have been a few times- but this is a big one. Cleo has not come out of her room for days and days, and she has nothing to wear. She has been in the Ursine for so long.
The whole ship is uneasy. There are villains at large. The galaxy is in flux, and there are a thousand loose threads.
But today, we shop.
Starring:
DM Dick Dynam...
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December 18, 2025 • 87 mins
The fight is over.
One by one our rescuers find each other again. Boris, Fron and Bortis leave a grim discovery behind them, while Vache and Nine Blades realize a new mission. At the last moment, Dr. Ze hears Cleo in the darkness.
The whole party is back together, so many foes have been bested, and they have their heading…
…but the damage has been done.
Starring:
DM Dick Dynamite the Dungeon Master -- ...
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November 19, 2025 • 92 mins
When the going gets tough, the tough split the party. (…Right?)
The hunt for Cleo continues, as the Cap/Bastard rescue squad spreads through the BioLife flagship like a handful of subpar nanites.
Ze kicks us off by taking one for the universe by locking himself in with Robin to both protect the party, and gather intel. Together, they discover that Robin is not the only big fish in this pond.
While Ze goes brain to brain wi...
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Mark as Played
October 23, 2025 • 76 mins
The plan is working, and our crew is aboard the BioLife ship, where wave after wave of guards welcome them. It's the fastest slow going you could hope for, while Boris, Trevor, Dr. Ze, The Nine Blades and Vache fight to clear the halls, and our Cleo fights to stay alive. Every BioLife lackey between the rescue team and Cleo is a bag of extracted blood, a few million nanites, a last minute stalling tactic.
Regardless, our rescuers...
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September 27, 2025 • 82 mins
The Caps, The remaining Bastards, and… Margo’s BioLife escapee friends, are teaming up to bring back Cleo.
Vache de Mer and The Nine Blades have been captured by BioLife almost more times than they can count. (They are after all, remnants of experiments failed.) Which is why they’re Margo’s ticket to stealthily finding the BioLife stronghold that’s holding Cleo. The plan is airtight. Set a trap, lay...
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Mark as Played
September 10, 2025 • 8 mins
Cleo and Robin almost made it.
Together they saw the light at the end of the proverbial BioLife hallway. But of course, that was the plan. The scientists bring Robin into Cleo’s cell for one last chat, hoping to wring out the last of their secrets before they eke out the last of her nanites. There can’t be much left, now. Just about a seed’s worth, if anything at all.
Season 4 is finally here after a big break...
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August 27, 2025 • 10 mins
After the battle at Garcia Station, many Synths accepted M8’s offer of Sanctuary.
They heard the code, and they answered the call- not fully understanding what it might mean to be free. The idea itself was a reshaping. To help them along, M8 regales the Synths with tales and visions of Sanctuary, and the great possibility that awaits them all. But as they pull into view, they find that M8’s wondrous data does not quit...
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Mark as Played
August 13, 2025 • 18 mins
Back on Prospect Town, our old friend Parter has picked up three rather pompous officers.
They’re loud, they’re crass, and they’re bragging in the backseat about destroying the local restaurant "Stu's" (home of “The Everything”!), and discussing their top secret mission to retrieve an "immortal Ursine" from BioLife. They might want to be careful about who they talk around though- because loose lips s...
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July 30, 2025 • 10 mins
While the Bastards and The Caps are busy planning their rescue mission, Margo is busy hunting down her own backup plan.
Deep in the jungle on a desolate planet, Margo is tracking down the perpetually-captured duo known as "Nine Blades", (despite having only eight visible), and his precognitive partner Vache de Mer. With their “help”, Margo hatches a scheme to infiltrate BioLife and save Cleo. Her plan? Use Vache and N...
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Mark as Played
July 16, 2025 • 34 mins
The gang's all here! Well, all but one. After being scattered across the galaxy, The Bastards finally reunite on the dusty Backwater planet of Daius to prepare for a Cleo rescue- wherever she may be. They meet up with some of Cleo’s old crew, obey to hear their tales about mysterious black nanobots and a BioLife capture! Between Boris's newfound assertiveness, Trevor's questionable ship repairs, and Ze's Ze-ness, the Bastards...
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Mark as Played
September 13, 2024 • 71 mins
Trevor has returned and has brought news of Cleo, but she needs help. So now Ze and Boris must race to finish their business on Garcia station to get to her aid. But just one thing, that business is an intergalactic war.
Starring:
DM Dick Dynamite the Dungeon Master -- Richard Kimber-Bell
Cleo deCap / M8 -- Taylor van Biljon
Dr Ze/Doctor Zafrey Elektra -- Daniel Matthews
Episode art by @georginalesaux
Ambiance soun...
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Mark as Played
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