Free-Ass. Press Podcast

Free-Ass. Press Podcast

A daily news satire wire that believes that newspapers are for dog sh*t and bird cages. www.freeasspress.com

Episodes

Oprah Gains Weight Eating Her Own Ratings

February 20, 2009 • 1 min
Oprah Winfrey, the daytime queen of talk and weight loss minus the weight loss, has gained the weight back again.
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TV Goes Digital; Playboy Channel Still Fuzzy

February 18, 2009 • 1 min
14-year-old boys all over America are outraged that the Playboy channel still comes in fuzzy.
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Optimists File For Chapter 11 Bankruptcy

February 16, 2009 • 1 min
Optimist International, commonly known as the Optimists, has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection.
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State-of-the-Art Presidential Limo Boasts a Top Speed of 3

February 13, 2009 • 1 min
GM unveiled its largest, heaviest, most-polluting, least fuel-efficient vehicle ever to hit American roadways.
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Condi Rice Publishes Memoir:

February 11, 2009 • 1 min
Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has announced the publication of her new tell-all memoir, "I'm Black Too, Ya Know!"
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Afghanistan Cancels "Take Your Child To Work" Day

February 9, 2009 • 1 min
"Take Your Child To Work Day" has been canceled in Afghanistan due to weather. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
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Obama Cancels Black History Month

February 6, 2009 • 48 secs
In yet another sign of the continuing economic crisis, President Barack Obama has canceled Black History Month for lack of funds. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
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VP Biden's Schedule Packed With Meaningless Busy Work

February 4, 2009 • 1 min
VP Biden's schedule is so packed with meaningless busywork that he is having trouble keeping up. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
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Jimmy John’s Now Charging For Free Smells

February 2, 2009 • 57 secs
In another sign of the deepening economic recession Jimmy John's, the beloved sub sandwich shop that used to offer "Free Smells," will start charging $1 for them effective immediately. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
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Astronauts Hardest Hit By High Gas Prices

January 30, 2009 • 58 secs
With fuel prices in the U.S. now averaging four dollars per gallon, no one has been harder hit than NASA astronauts. To lessen that impact, NASA has announced that it will now allow its non-essential astronauts to telecommute. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
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Study: 70% of American Dental Association Employees Have F***ed Up Teeth

January 29, 2009 • 1 min
According to a new study by the Center for Popular Hypocrisy, 70 percent of American Dental Association workers have "f***ed-up teeth." For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
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$3 Billion in Folger’s Stock Secretly Replaced With Smucker’s Stock

January 28, 2009 • 1 min
The hostile takeover was a surprise to Folgers executives, who only found out about the sale after an English gentleman told them that he had secretly replaced the fine Procter & Gamble stock they usually hold with J.M. Smucker's stock. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
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Big Bird Arrested for DUI

January 27, 2009 • 1 min
Big Bird, the well-known actor and bird, was arrested for driving under the influence this morning at the corner of Sesame Street and Steampipe Alley, just blocks from The Electric Company. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
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US Treasury To Offer Federal Reserve Rewards Mastercard

January 26, 2009 • 53 secs
The federal government has begun mass-mailing preapproved offers for its new Federal Reserve Rewards MasterCard. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
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INDY 500 Drivers Upset; Gas Prices Rose 3 Times During Race

January 23, 2009 • 56 secs
The 33 drivers participating in last Sunday's Indianapolis 500 were distracted by sky-high gas prices, which rose three times during the race, causing several crashes. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
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Dollar Store Requests $1 Bailout

January 22, 2009 • 1 min
Dollar Stores, International asked Congress today for 1/700,000,000,000th of the federal bailout funds. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
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Homeland Security Deports Rock Band "Foreigner"

January 21, 2009 • 1 min
The U.S. Department of Homeland Security begins formal deportation proceedings against the 1970s rock band Foreigner. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
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God Blames Pat Robertson for String of Violent Storms

January 20, 2009 • 59 secs
After the upper Midwest and Plains states received a lashing of violent storms, God blames Pat Robertson. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
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Six Flags to Open "F***ing Awesome America" Theme Park in Middle East

January 19, 2009 • 1 min
Theme Park Conglomerate Six Flags, is set to open the Middle East's first theme park titled "Six Flags F***ing Awesome American Invading Dubai." For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
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US Makes Final Offer For Iran Talks: 700 Anytime Minutes

January 16, 2009 • 1 min
In a renewed effort to get stalled talks moving forward again with Iran, the United States is offering Iran its best and final plan: 700 anytime minutes. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
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