The Topical

The Topical

The Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It's using its dying breath to beg you to listen to The Topical. New episodes published every weekday by 5 a.m. Eastern time.

Episodes

The Final Episode Of The Topical

May 20, 2021 • 15 mins
Leslie Price returns from a months-long investigation to serve as host of America’s only daily news podcast one last time. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

February 5, 2021 • 9 mins
Hear why PETA is coming to the defense of these over-bread monstrosities that exist for the sole purpose of having fresh tomato paste extracted from their many teat-like protuberances. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird

February 4, 2021 • 8 mins
It looks dirty, and it’s doing a weird thing with its wings. Hear why it would be best if you just didn’t go near it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees

February 3, 2021 • 9 mins
Hear why these arborists believe that if the fruit’s on the ground, it’s ready to pound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Paleontologists Determine Dinosaurs Were Killed By Someone They Trusted

February 2, 2021 • 9 mins
Plus, from royalty to recluse, we’ll sit down with a former prom king who now lives anonymously among the commoners. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

February 1, 2021 • 8 mins
It’s an awe-inspiring scientific advancement, but is it ethical? Hear why critics say these geneticists shouldn’t be playing God on God by making God. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Nation’s Hypnotists Announce You Are Now Under Their Command

January 29, 2021 • 8 mins
Hear why, when they snap their fingers, you will make the sound a donkey makes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Deer Shot By Obsessed Fan

January 28, 2021 • 8 mins
Hear why authorities now believe the suspect stalked the 4-year-old buck for several hours before shooting him in the chest. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Dept. Of Homeland Security: ‘Has Anybody Seen A Blue Folder?’

January 27, 2021 • 8 mins
Hear why scrambling DHS officials are calling the missing folder “no big deal,” but they would really like to find it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Fun Toy Banned Because Of 3 Stupid Dead Kids

January 26, 2021 • 9 mins
And they weren’t even playing with it right. Hear why these dead children apparently thought it would be a good idea to ruin the fun for everyone else. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Congress Investigating Why Capitol Dome’s Atomic Vaporizing Ray Wasn’t Deployed To Eviscerate Rioters

January 25, 2021 • 8 mins
Hear why Congress is still looking for answers as to why this crucial defense system wasn’t used to melt rioters’ eyeballs right out of their skulls and incinerate their bodies instantly. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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UFC Announces Their Athletes Will Now Be Allowed To Fight Each Other Through The Court Of Law

January 22, 2021 • 8 mins
We have everything you need to know ahead of this weekend’s big legal battle. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden

January 21, 2021 • 8 mins
Hear why authorities are now questioning how this 10 to 15 mph gust was able to get so close to the 78-year-old president in the first place. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Biden Announces Nation Will Rejoin Paris Hilton Fan Club

January 20, 2021 • 8 mins
For the first time since 2016, the U.S. will join over 188 other nations in celebrating the career of the esteemed businesswoman-slash-model-slash-singer-slash-actress. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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New Erectile Dysfunction Startup Sends Ripped, Virile Man Directly To Your Door To Bang Your Spouse

January 19, 2021 • 6 mins
It’s called Inuus, and it promises to keep your partner sexually satisfied by sending a discreet, medically certified sex god straight to your home. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Exhausted Researchers Inform Public Covid Vaccine Won’t Shrink You Down To Size Of Ant

January 18, 2021 • 7 mins
Hear why millions of Americans remain concerned that taking the vaccine could shrink them down to a size so small they would need to fight off mice with a toothpick. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Animal Shelter’s Free Adoption Day Not Even That Good Of Deal

January 15, 2021 • 6 mins
Hear why consumer advocates are warning that falling for this blatant con job could end up costing you hundreds in food and toys, as well as hours of your valuable free time. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Shocked Authorities Discover Dozens Of Bodies Being Kept In Hospital Morgue

January 14, 2021 • 9 mins
Hear why detectives believe it could be the work of a serial killer. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Majority Of Young Children Go Missing The Moment Parent Turns Attention Toward Themself For One Goddamn Second

January 13, 2021 • 6 mins
Hear why 9 out of every 10 children go missing as soon as a mother or father chooses to focus on something that isn’t about their kids, like eating or showering or briefly sitting in a chair for the first time all day. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Report: Leading Cause Of Death Still Venturing Beyond The Pines

January 12, 2021 • 7 mins
Nearly 2.3 million Americans die each year from wandering into the ethereal black pine forest. Hear how you can heed the warnings of grizzled woodsmen and lonely widowers to keep from succumbing to alluring calls from beyond the trees. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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