1001 Songs That Make You Want To Die
Let’s take a ride down the rabbit hole of horrible songs. Some are popular, some went platinum but all of them make us want to die.
Episodes
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Kelly Osbourne: “Papa Don’t Preach”
Epic Records, 2002
Pitchfork Rating: 3.7
In a move that can only be described as “aggressively Y2K,” Kelly Osbourne—daughter of Ozzy, wearer of neon hair, and survivor of MTV’s The Osbournes—emerged from the reality-TV fog of war to drop her cover of Madonna’s “Papa Don’t Preach.” A bold choice, given that Mad...
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Matchbox Twenty – "Unwell"
Atlantic; 2003
3.2
By: Dax Mumberson, Pitchfork Contributor
There are songs that define an era, and then there’s “Unwell” by Matchbox Twenty—a song that limply gestured at defining something before retreating back into a GAP sweater of its own design. Released in 2003, but spiritually 1998, “Unwell” is a murky...
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Divinyls – “I Touch Myself” (1990)
★ ★ ★ ★ ☆
Genre: Sexy Pop-Rock with a Side of Subtle Shouting
If you’ve ever wanted to tell the entire world you’re into yourself—like, really into yourself—but with an Aussie accent and a jangly guitar riff behind you, "I Touch Myself" is your anthem.
Released in 1990, this song boldly launched a thou...
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Chamillionaire – “Ridin’” [feat. Krayzie Bone]
Universal; 2006
6.4 (but only if you're in a Dodge Charger with illegal tints)
“Ridin’” is the rare kind of song that makes you feel both like a criminal and a misunderstood philosopher—if your philosophy thesis is mostly about how the cops are always watching, especially when you’re doing abso...
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Flo Rida – “In the Ayer” [feat. will.i.am]
Atlantic; 2008
2.1
If you’ve ever stared into a lava lamp and thought, “What if this could somehow be a song?”—well, congrats, your dream was made flesh in In the Ayer, the auditory equivalent of bedazzled cargo shorts and Axe body spray. Flo Rida, not known for subtlety or, say, substance, teams up wit...
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Luke Bryan – “That’s My Kind of Night”
⭐️ 1.9 / 10
Label: Cliché Hat Records, a Division of Bud Light Sounds
If a monster truck rally had sex with a Bass Pro Shops flyer during an Axe Body Spray commercial, the baby would be “That’s My Kind of Night.” And that baby would grow up to wear cargo shorts year-round and call every woman “ma’am,” regar...
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Fergie – “Fergalicious”
⭐️ 2.1 / 10
Label: A Delicious Flop Pastry Records
Ah yes, “Fergalicious” – the 2006 cultural artifact that dared to ask: what if a spelling bee had a sugar crash during a rave at Claire’s Accessories?
Fergie, freshly emancipated from the Black Eyed Peas’ deeply important catalog of "My Humps" and "Let’s Get...
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Scandal’us – Me, Myself & I (2001)
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ (Pitchfork, 10.0)
In an era bloated with faux-indie self-seriousness and turn-of-the-millennium testosterone-pop, Me, Myself & I arrived like a rhinestoned meteor, obliterating subtlety and redefining post-reality-TV sonic maximalism. What begins as a breakup anthem quickly transcends genre, gende...
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Oh, of course Charli XCX is definitely just recycling that ultra-sophisticated, high-brow techno pop from the early 2000s—you know, the era of iconic lyrical masterpieces like "My Humps" and "Blue (Da Ba Dee)." She's just sitting in her neon-lit studio, sipping Surge, thinking, "What the world really needs right now is the s...
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Squidward is a grumpy, artistic octopus from SpongeBob SquarePants, known for his long, droopy nose that often reflects his mood and expressions. His nose is frequently the punchline of jokes—getting caught in doors, inflated, or mistaken for other objects—making it a running gag in the series. It symbolizes his exaggerated self-importance and often beco...
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No, "Miracles" by Insane Clown Posse (ICP) is not intended as a joke. Despite its viral reception and widespread mockery—particularly the line "Fucking magnets, how do they work?"—the song was created with sincerity. ICP aimed to express genuine wonder at everyday phenomena that are often overlooked. Violent J, one of the group's...
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*“Short People” by Randy Newman is a snarky, satirical jab masquerading as a pop song, delivering a wildly exaggerated roast of vertically-challenged folks with lines so ludicrous they border on cartoon villainy. With its bouncing piano and upbeat melody, the song mocks short people for everything from their “little hands” to their inability to “get arou...
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In this unsettling reimagining, the smooth-talking, swagger-filled narrator isn’t here to party… he’s luring kids with charm, games, and magic tricks under the guise of fun. He struts through neighborhoods with a twisted grin, tossing candy, whispering riddles, and leading children astray with hypnotic dance moves. Dressed to impress in a shadowy pinstri...
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I wanna nap and rock all night!
(And shuffle every day!)
I wanna nap and rock all night!
(Then golf and Matlock play!)
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Imagine you are inside a sentient music store, where time doesn’t move forward but instead loops in soft-focus montages of bittersweet almost-memories. Ronan Keating, a man who simultaneously exists inside and outside the concept of love, strolls through this liminal space, not searching for something, but also kind of finding it.
Every glance, every inte...
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Imagine you’re standing in a hallway that exists outside of time, where every door leads to a different parallel universe of past relationships—but only the ones where the emotional debris still lingers like a half-written text. You’re both the observer and the participant, reliving a moment that simultaneously happened, is happening, and never happened ...
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The song basically says, “Life is trash sometimes, but don’t worry, we’re going to spiritually parkour our way to happiness.”
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"Lads from the City" (to the tune of Boys From the Bush)
Verse 1:
We rolled up late in a four-wheel drive,
GPS lost, barely made it alive.
Tried to buy a latte, but the town was dry,
Now we’re stuck in boots and swattin’ at flies.
Chorus:
We’re the lads from the city, we don’t belong,
Took one step outside, now everything’...
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Hark! The air be thick with sultry heat,
And lo, mine garments do betray mine flesh!
Wouldst thou not bid me cast them off anon,
Lest I dost swelter in this fiery clime?
Verily, the warmth doth set mine blood afire,
A tempest rages ‘neath this weary brow.
If thou, too, dost feel this fervent blaze,
Then shed thy raiments, tarry not...
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"Just a Friend" by Biz Markie is a humorous and heartfelt hip-hop track about unrequited love and betrayal. The song tells the story of Biz falling for a girl who insists that another guy in her life is "just a friend." Despite his hopes, he eventually discovers that she was lying and was romantically involved with the other guy. Deli...
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