Cognitive Contortions
Have you ever lain awake at night pondering the big questions as you stare at the ceiling, waiting for the ever impending embrace of death? Questions like: “Why do people think the earth is flat?”, or, “Who came up with the idea of Reptilian overlords?”, and of course, “Is Donald Trump actually president? How did this happen and are we positive that we’re not just living in a nightmare?” - Well, here at the Cognitive Contortions Podcast we attempt to answer those questions, and many, many more. Our highly untrained and certainly unqualified team of investigator, (there’s only one), works tiredly, (seriously, this stuff is exhausting), to bring as much information to the table as possible. Using the most advanced databases and search optimization available in today’s modern age, (google), the self proclaimed amateur experts discuss and answer claims of conspiracy and theory. Please don’t let these burning, most important questions of our time keep you awake any longer, join us while four idiots, Tyler, Scott, Aaron and other Tyler, crush on Keanu Reeves, reference Star Wars, play pointless games and sort of talk about conspiracy theories; and you too can have, “peace of mind.” (T-Rex hands)
Episodes
November 25, 2020 • 145 mins
This week , the boys sit down for two and a half hours to talk about anything and everything! This week, in lieu of a Thanksgiving special, the fellas have an open, candid discussion; about what are usually very awkward and infuriating topics. Between the laughs, and the positive disagreements coming to a delightful conclusion; we hope you’ll spend your holiday travels, or stay at home orders, with us. Happy Thanksgiving Neewers an...
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October 31, 2020 • 94 mins
This week for our 2020 Halloween special, the boys talk about Witches. The legends and history of the inquisitions, the witches of antiquity, and the possible real reason the church hunted them for almost 300 years. Lots of irreverent laughs, some fun, recently discovered possible theories, and a lot of literal shit talk at the front end. (Sorry about that), and Happy Halloween!
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October 20, 2020 • 66 mins
This week the boys discuss Psychedelics, life on or around Venus, and space in general. Tyler talks about a trip to a museum, Joey P. gives his best advice, and Ty just has an overall educational evening. We also have a brief and slightly flippant discussion about mortality so... trigger warnings and such.
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October 6, 2020 • 98 mins
This week the boys discuss the addictive tendencies of social media and the way it manipulates our thoughts and beliefs. We also talk state flags, Sleep Apnea, and Nic Cage divinity.
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September 8, 2020 • 81 mins
This week we dive into Bob Lazar and the recently announced UFO confirmation by the pentagon. We also talk old video games, Trump Sadlibs and reality.
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August 25, 2020 • 59 mins
This week the gang is all back together to talk current events and random thoughts! We talk about talking to our moms, pinpointing the moments that could have kept us from existence, and Trumps horrifically transparent interference with the post office.
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August 4, 2020 • 110 mins
This week the boys hop back into conspiracies and remember why they took a break in the first place. Tyler try’s to talk about aliens but gets distracted by potential child trafficking. Aaron attempts to break Tys arm in an attempt to save Scott, and Ty breaks down how poor we all really are. We also flush out some Unasian laws and constitutional statutes.
And thanks for the use of our theme song to Koit and Time Ireland.
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July 28, 2020 • 104 mins
This week the guys catch up and shoot the shit. Tyler tells a story about his car he’s been sitting on for months, Aaron explains Ty’s only fault, (telling stories too often and repeatedly), and Ty lives up to that fault by telling some stories for a second and third time. We talk some more Nicolas Cage, stupid things politicians say, the Baltimore City impound lot, Hamilton, and Unasia.
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July 14, 2020 • 91 mins
The Goays are back and in here! This week Fellas attempt to form their own form of government. Tyler helps establish the economic system, Aaron establishes the main form of currency, an Ty establishes our one government agency.
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June 2, 2020 • 79 mins
We’re back Neewers and Goays! After a brief break and a little revamping, Ty brings you a Nicholas Cage centric episode, Tyler loses his mind over the Solo movie, (again), and Aaron expresses his feelings about bicyclists.
New format means new theme song, enjoy!
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May 5, 2020 • 71 mins
This week, despite some technical difficulties, the boys hop back into our Alien and UFO series by discussing some of the most credible abductions in recent years. Tyler gets caught misspelling words again, Aaron calls Ty out on misspelling his attack on Tyler’s misspellings, Scott returns with his classic self offending humor, and Ty explains how the female reproductive system works. (He doesn’t).
As always a huge thanks for the ...
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April 28, 2020 • 64 mins
This week the boys finish off their MH17 series with a bang! Tyler pitches the pilot for The Adventures of Mike Robial and Tricksy Racist! Aaron demands an answer to why and how pickles have no calories, and Ty tells a good old fashioned story about slicing his thumb open and calling Scotts Mom.
As always a huge thanks for the use of our theme song, It's A Conspiracy Song, off of the collaborated album Cautionary Campfire Tales, b...
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April 21, 2020 • 68 mins
This week the boys start a two part series on the Malaysian Airlines flight MH17 from our previous Grab Bag episode! Tyler explains what a Bukkake missile system is and how it works, Aaron admits that he thinks Harris Teeter is a craft store, and Ty describes the difficulties of shopping right now, and also calls out our listeners on not finishing our episodes, or reaching out to us.
As always a huge thanks for the use of our the...
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April 14, 2020 • 54 mins
This week while the boys adjust to the new Coronavirus schedule, we bring you a Best of the 2020s compilation episode! Sit back and enjoy some of our favorite bits from episodes 20-29 while we prepare for our next topic: The MH17 flight shoot down from our most recent grab bag episode!
As always a huge thanks for the use of our theme song, It's A Conspiracy Song, off of the collaborated album Cautionary Campfire Tales, by Tim Irel...
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April 8, 2020 • 76 mins
This week the boys are back and the prodigal host has returned, Scott’s in the house! The boys talk about books, eat pizza, and cover a variety of random grab bag conspiracy topics. Tyler desperately and futilely attempts to host a podcast, Scott points out that the pope has now admitted the Catholic Church is useless because you can just, “talk to god directly”, Aaron introduces us the the rapper, lil gen-z, and Ty explains why he...
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March 31, 2020 • 62 mins
This week the boys return to finish up the Betty and Barney Ruble abduction! From a time before Coronavirus was a household pain in the dick, Tyler tells us how Bill Clinton first noticed Hillary Clinton, Aaron confesses that die to social anxiety he’s changed hygienic products because of the locks at Target, Joey P. details where Bettys alien star chart cock map came from, and Ty explains the best place to get propane when you’re ...
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March 24, 2020 • 95 mins
This week, the boys get waaaaaay off the rails in a super chill, Corona adjacent episode. Tyler tried to give us some useful information about the current situation, but it will probably be out of date by the time this comes out, Joe phones in a friend to compare notes on how to handle a large Dick when you shit, and Ty educates is on the only thing that’ll really keep you safe: Asshole bleaching.
As always a huge thanks for the u...
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March 17, 2020 • 65 mins
This week the boys go over the hypnosis sessions of Barney and Betty Hill, but not until they go on a twenty minute rant about the scam that is medical insurance. Tyler gives the dictionary definition of the word, “incredulity”, Aaron asks, “What if insurance companies only paid to get things fixed once?”, Ty insists that Elon Musk’s Tesla is the first ever smart planet, and prodigal podcaster Joey P. returns to give a Cognitive Co...
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March 10, 2020 • 60 mins
On this weeks episode the boys start a dive into UFO abductions. Tyler explains that if it weren’t for Mike Robial we wouldn’t be able to talk to each other, Aaron realizes humans are basically the dumbest thing in the planet because of how obsessed we are with stupidity, and Ty pitches his idea to fulfill our hopeful attempt to toss a car into a pool of Mac n Cheese.
As always a huge thanks for the use of our theme song, It's A ...
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March 3, 2020 • 63 mins
On this episode of the podcast the boys finish up their initial discussion on, T-Rex hands, "Reasons to believe Aliens are real", (they are). Tyler questions if there is a way to do a balls lobotomy, Aaron encourages that everyone look up what Mercury going retrograde means, (as a result WE go retrograde) , and Ty lays out the scientific laws of attraction when living in a Meth infested wasteland. Most importantly however: Who is M...
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