An Agnostic's Guide to Heaven by Tim Bedore
I am a standup comedian who feels it's time to give back to the audience. So, I want to become your spiritual guru and life coach. What are my qualifications? I have a psych minor and was an altar boy during the last months of the Latin mass in the Catholic church. And if you follow my advice and end up in Hell you or your heirs will receive a full money back refund. You can't lose.
Episodes
I grew up Catholic. But I was a born non-believer, doubter, contrarian who just couldn't get with the program. Yet, there I was kneeling and praying and shouting to the highest mountain and going through the motions but petrified that I was going to Hell because I didn't feel the spirit. Any spirit. In fact, I was pretty certain the whole thing was silly. And that is why I should be your life coach and...
In this episode I describe how I hoped my First Communion would solve all my "I don't feel what everyone else feels" problems with growing up Catholic and how that worked out. The last straw was a Good Friday celebration when I was in 3rd grade. Being a believer was just not in the cards for me. I also discuss a 9 year old crush I had on a married woman (she was so HOT) and my addiction to sound effects which I ov...
When did I first get the idea I could save the world? Or short of that, help one person? Listen and find out. Did your Mom make a birthday on Christmas for the Baby Jesus? Mine did. It felt really weird singing Happy Birthday to a ceramic figurine in a Nativity scene. Those of us who were subjected to this type of thing need to talk about it. Did you ever ask God to prove His existence so y...
If there is a Heaven and you make the cut and get in do we really get to sit at the right hand of God the Father Almighty? Do some of us get to occasionally sit in His hand? What happens out on His left side? Does praying help? I have written a prayer, The An Agnostic's Guide to Heaven Prayer, that could be said in public schools. Please listen to it and include it in your daily rituals. Do you t...
Where do psychopaths come from and what you can do if you don't want to create anymore of them? The Burning Man Festival. Stay away. I will tell you why. I used to shop where super-model Cindy Crawford did when we lived in Los Angeles. I learned a lot about sex from walking behind Cindy Crawford. In fact, I wouldn't be a life coach today were it not for Cindy. Metoo#, you can learn a thing ...
In this episode I explain why I think people who go to Renaissance Festivals are sick freaks and you should, too. Unless you've dated someone who was really into these bizarro world festivals you do not know what I know. Listen and learn. If there is a God, and I am not saying there is but, would He/She/It be cool with comedians lying? Yes. I explain why in this episode and give a perfect example of wh...
Hello,
What is it like for 6th grade boys to get their sex ed. from sex-hating Catholic nuns? How much damage was done to our psyches? Have you ever sat on a Malibu beach with a very attractive blonde in a string bikini who 18 months later would become a Norbertine nun? Well, I have. Did you know that one of the miracles St. Norbert performed that qualified him for sainthood was not being killed by a p...
in this episode of An Agnostic's Guide to Heaven I try not to use sound effects and describe a fool-proof and money making plan for WORLD PEACE! I can come up with a plan like that because I understand why we are friends with some countries and why we are not. I also answer some listeners emailed in questions concerning if there is a religion that I could accept. Yes, and it involves peanut butter.
As your life coach/spiritual guru I am trying to make the world a better place by helping you be less annoying to me, and thus everyone else. And that is why I believe conservatives should not be in charge of much beyond their own lives or small businesses. I am not saying they are bad people. I just believe the conservative world view is a big problem. Can liberals be idiots, too? Of course. Ple...
Has your frustrated hunting dog ever gone on point on a house fly? What would you do (other than get in touch with me, your life coach) when you daughter announces she and her boyfriend have a safe word? Was it a mistake to go to the bars on Halloween dressed as a priest? How do reindeer herders in Lapland "fix" or castrate the non-alpha males when they don't have vets or clinics up there? And what do...
Have you ever had a telepathic conservation with a cow at 84 mph that turned into a great comedy routine, but just for one night? I have. And we can all learn a lot from hearing about this experience. The 2nd Amendment? What would President Bedore try to do with it? (Yes, I am still running for president) And what I learned from seeing an 86 year old woman dressed in super expensive couture clothing as...
The scariest moment of my life? The night Tony Orlando almost dragged me on stage in Vegas and made me sing one of his total crap songs. I learned a lot from that night, and now, so can you. I also answer some gun rights emailers concerns, talk about the worst comedy club name ever, use the analogy "as uncomfortable as a nun at an orgy" in the proper context and make the case for America's culture taking a downwar...
Ever cosmically cause the death of three playground bullies? If not, maybe that's why you're not a life coach and I am. Pop Culture matters- I am a law abiding citizen today because of one hit song from the 60's which led to my helping get our pedophile priest busted. Beatles records and shoveling snow, buying pagan babies and an audio golf analogy to describe the difference between a nun hitting you with a ruler and a ...
I may have performed a miracle. Seriously. The God I doubt exists may be working through me to heal people. It appears I returned the power to walk to a guy. I recount what happened, and you decide if something spiritual is going on or not. Do you have unique and interesting dreams? I recall some of my most entertaining (at least to me) dreams and also discuss how Trump has ruined the truth. ...
Ever have a woman with a beard on your paper route? I had two and it changed my life forever. Ever know someone whose imaginary playmate was a dried booger? There's a lesson here for parents. I define what's a good marriage with a story about an eagle and a chihuahua. Did Sam Drucker, in an episode of Green Acres, have an illegitimate child? There's a lot going on in this one. Subscribe and thrive!
Could you survive a sudden attack of food poisoning while onstage? I did. Experiences like that are why I am a highly qualified life coach. In this episode you learn if you're an idiot you can end up being the luckiest guy in the world. I treat a friend who is having a late-mid-life crisis. If you get a pocket dial cel call from someone and their phone is near their genitals is that phone sex? And I read an ...
Catholic guilt recently overwhelmed me so in this episode I apologize to a 9th grade teacher named Brother Ted. While I have shame and guilt over how I behaved I also had to learn to be a comedian somewhere. And on a positive note you will hear what we did to produce a solid 18 minute long fetal position laugh... for which I have to apologize.
I did LSD at Boy Scout camp. True story. In fact, six of us created a new Explorer Post (the older scouts who get to do stuff on their own) to be able to party, unsupervised, all summer in the woods. We were the worst Scouts, ever. I got an archery merit badge while hallucinating. True story. And we had to put down our beloved dog Lexie recently and now I am afraid of my wife. It's experien...
In episode #19 you'll hear my response to the 52 year old woman who emailed and asked if she should accompany her husband to a nude beach. I also tackle the issues- if all women were taken off the planet would guys still play tackle football and would porn servers become the most valuable thing on Earth? And I answer the age old question- if God created man and woman what would art critics from another galaxy say about ...
In this episode I respond to praise and criticism about what I said about nude beaches and telling my 52 year old client to go for it, why Al Franken and the rest of us should never pose for pictures arm in arm, what would it have been like for Jesus if there had been cel phones, how context and intent is how we should judge people and what I saw on a bus that is the cure for overly PC attitudes. Enjoy, then subscribe and thr...
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