Battle Royale: French Monarchs
Passing judgement on all the Kings and Emperors of France from Clovis to Napoleon III. Each episode, Ben recounts the story of a monarch to Eliza, then together they decide on how to score them in 5 categories. But who will they select as the crème de la crème, and who will they send to the Guillotine? Proudly inspired by the Rex Factor podcast.
Episodes
January 27, 2026 • 75 mins
Go to patreon.com/battleroyalepodcast to listen to Part 2, and our entire spinoff series on the French royal mistresses.
Jeanne Antoinette "Reinette" Poisson was born into a disgraced middle-class Parisian family and thanks to her own beauty, charm and wit managed to climb the greasy pole to become Louis XV's most famous and powerful mistress. This episode we recount her life's story from birth to death. In Part 2 we get deeper in...
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January 8, 2026 • 64 mins
We unravel the mystery that haunted Europe for over a century: What happened to the son of Louis XVI and Marie Antoinettte after they met their tragic end? It's a real True Crime mystery that will take us from the worst days of the Reign of Terror to the deepest depths of the American West. Only now, over 200 years later, do we finally have the answer.
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Music used in this episode included a piano rendition of Mozart's "Lacrimos...
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December 18, 2025 • 79 mins
It's now time to rate one of history's most notorious queens!
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December 11, 2025 • 63 mins
By popular demand, we have an in-betweeny episode on the most famous woman in all of French history. How much was she really to blame for the disasters leading up to the Revolution?
This episode we go through the main events of Marie Antoinette’s life. Next time we will rate her and leave behind the Ancien Regime for good!
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Music used in this episode:
Intro music: "Dansez" by Fasion. Go check out more of their stuff ...
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November 19, 2025 • 77 mins
This episode, we will rate and review Louis XVI, the last king of France before the Revolution blows everything apart. Will he get through to the Tournement, or will he be guillotined a second time?
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October 26, 2025 • 89 mins
This episode, we finally get to the beginnings of the French Revolution and how it affected one Louis XVI, a King of France who was in way over his head, to put it mildly. Why did the revolution start in his reign? What weird hobbies did he indulge in the meantime? And next episode, will we be guillotining him AGAIN?
⚜️ RECOMMENDATIONS
Go learn more about
the French Revolution with these handy recommendations!
- Revolutions...
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August 29, 2025 • 71 mins
It's time to get down to brass tax and rate Louis XV. Was he the do-nothing king later historians have tarred him as? And are good intentions and pretty art enough to save him from the guillotine?
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August 23, 2025 • 88 mins
Not quite the Sun King, not quite the Revolution guy, Louis XV sits between two way more famous kings of France and is often a forgotten footnote of history, despite ruling for a very long time during France's great Enlightenment period. Will he stand toe-to-toe with other kings, or will he get lost in the mix?
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June 19, 2025 • 95 mins
Louis XIV is dead, and his heir is a 5-year-old child. With so many deaths occurring in the royal family, it falls to an unlikely royal nephew, Philippe, duke of Orléans, to govern France until Louis XV comes of age. Completely unlike the callous old Sun King, Philippe is a man of the people who spurned Versailles and lived as a boisterous libertine. What kind of regent will this man be?
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May 9, 2025 • 118 mins
Now that we've finished Louis XIV's life, we're going back to fill in some details and decide what score the Sun King should get. Will he escape the guillotine?
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April 27, 2025 • 84 mins
This episode we talk about the zenith and slow decline of the sun king.
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April 20, 2025 • 88 mins
The Sun King is risen. This episode, we chronicle the first half of Louis XIV's life, from his earliest years of civil war and turbulence to the apex of his power.
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listen.
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You ca...
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March 6, 2025 • 88 mins
You've heard of the Sun King, but what about his mother? From Infanta of Spain to Regent of France, Anne of Austria's 50-year career is a rollercoaster of intrigue, family drama and civil war.
⚜️ Visit our Wordpress for episode images, score summaries, contact details and more! Make sure you leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you listen.
You can also support the show on Patreon! Join the official Angry Mob ...
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February 3, 2025 • 93 mins
The Louis XIII of Alexandre Dumas's "The Three Musketeers" is a comically naïve and easily manipulated do-nothing king, dominated by his scheming chief minister Cardinal Richelieu. But as we're about to learn, the history is a little more complicated when you consider that Louis did have military victories, he struggled against debilitating chronic illness, and France owes a lot more than expected to his partnership with the cardin...
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January 6, 2025 • 92 mins
After seizing the regency upon the death of Henry IV, will the second Medici to rule France be as successful as the first? Get ready for court intrigue, family drama and shocking twists of fate. To view Marie's most famous series of depictions, Rubens's "Marie de' Medici Cycle", head to the Louvre website to view all 20+ paintings together. They are possibly the most spectacular paintings we have ever talked about on the podcast!
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December 9, 2024 • 81 mins
How will "Good King Henry" fare as we rate him? We know he spent his reign fighting, drinking and womanising, but what did he do for France? And more importantly, was he really the second coming of Hercules?Let is know what you thought of Henry, and whether he deserves the fate we've given him...⚜️The rendition of "Vive Henri IV" used for this episode was performed by Les Quatre Barbus, released in 1993 by Playtime records on the a...
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December 2, 2024 • 84 mins
We're back!!! And we're starting off a new royal line with Henry IV, the first Bourbon king. Is this stinky, ill-mannered heretic really the hero France has been waiting for after 30 years of civil war?Stay tuned for Part 2 next week, when we will rate Henry and decide whether he deserves the guillotine. ⚜️ Visit our Wordpress for episode images, score summaries, contact details and more! Make sure you leave us a review on Apple ...
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September 20, 2024 • 58 mins
It's time for Margot to truly REBEL.How will Margot's rollercoaster end, and how will she rate compared to the rest of the Valois clan? ⚜️Visit our Wordpress for episode images, score summaries, contact details and more!Make sure you leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you listen.
You can also support the show on Patreon! Join the official Angry Mob and get access to our bonus content: movie reviews, deep dives...
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September 12, 2024 • 62 mins
The last surviving of the Valois, this beautiful and intelligent princess is often seen as either a victim or a villain, but the memoirs she left behind and the reevaluation of modern historians show a different side to her story. She was a woman who struggled to find agency and self-determination in a world where the cards were stacked against her from the start. Can Margot break free of her abusive, conniving family and help brin...
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August 24, 2024 • 46 mins
Au revoir, Valois! We have now ranked all the kings of France belonging to the House of Valois, the cadet branch of the Capetian dynasty which reigned supreme from 1328 to 1589. Before they take a well-earned break and start gearing up for the Bourbon kings, Ben and Eliza step back to re-examine the Valois. Who did the best? Who did the worst? And who escaped the guillotine?Spoilers incoming, obviously!Our outro music is Hildegard ...
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