Sacrilegious Discourse - Bible Study for Atheists

Simon “I’m too old for this shit” Maccabee finally taps out and hands the family blood-feud business to his sons, because nothing says “healthy succession plan” like immediate warfare and a leadership hand-off sponsored by help from heaven (sure, Jan). John (a.k.a. “Johnny Boy,” because this book refuses to give anyone a unique name) marches out with 20,000 troops to deal with Kendabias, and somehow the most dramatic obstacle is… a...

Pronouns? Useless. Names? Recycled like a church bulletin. In this 1 Maccabees 11–15 Q&A, we finally stop the “he said to him who said to him” madness long enough to make a damn Seleucid cheat sheet, because this book is basically Mike and Bob: Hellenistic Edition. Demetrius I is dead (yes, dead), Demetrius II is the current problem, Antiochus VI is a puppet kid, and Antiochus VII rolls in like “I’d like Judea back, please.”

Today on Sacrilegious Discourse, we slog through 1 Maccabees 15, aka “Everyone Writes Letters and Nobody Explains Anything.” It opens with yet another Antiochus (because apparently they’re naming babies like they’re recycling passwords), who sends Simon a “friendly” note that’s basically: I’m totally not here to start drama… except I brought warships. The hosts immediately spiral into righteous confusion as the chapter cranks the “...

If you’ve ever wondered why the Bible tells the same story twice, once like a gritty crime documentary and once like a motivational church brochure, this one’s for you. We pit 1–2 Samuel + 1–2 Kings (the Deuteronomistic “everything is awful and here’s why we deserved it” edition) against 1–2 Chronicles (the post-exile “we can rebuild, babes” rewrite), and the contrast is chef’s kiss for anyone who enjoys theological side-eye.

In...

Demetrius finally gets scooped up like a sad little political Pokémon, and the text immediately slams the fast-forward button into “and then everything was chill forever” mode… allegedly. 1 Maccabees 14 is basically propaganda karaoke: Simon gets credited with “peace,” while the chapter quietly admits he took cities, removed “uncleannesses,” and ran off anyone inconvenient, because nothing says stability like “no one resisted him.”

Simon steps up after Jonathan’s betrayal-and-capture situation turns into a full-on “Greek politics but make it messy” episode. 1 Maccabees 13 opens with panic—Trifon’s marching, everyone’s terrified, then Simon does the classic leader move: pep talk, fortify Jerusalem, and start tossing people out of cities like it’s a casual hobby (“Simon says get the f*ck out” becomes the unofficial theme).

Then comes the ransom plot that sc...

Jonathan decides the Seleucid soap opera is getting way too pronoun-heavy, so he does what any ancient politician with commitment issues would do, he slides into Rome’s DMs to “renew the friendship.” Because nothing screams “holy nation” like outsourcing your survival to the Mediterranean’s biggest future empire. Then, just to keep things spicy, he also writes the Spartans like, “Hey besties, remember our totally-real brotherhood f...

Uncle Steve is back at the table armed with the usual Fox-flavored folklore: “schools are indoctrinating kids,” “it’s grooming,” “trans is a trend,” and the classic imaginary litter box story (because nothing says serious political thought like a viral hoax). We translate the subtext, fear, control, and borrowed children-as-shields, and then hand listeners a stack of boundary-setting comebacks that keep dinner from turning into a c...

It’s a Christmas Eve special, recorded on “Christmas Eve Eve” (aka “Christmas Steve Eve”), where Husband and Wife roleplay the dreaded holiday boss fight: Uncle Dude Bro (a.k.a. Steve) and Aunt Karen, armed with bumper-sticker theology, cable-news grievances, and the unstoppable urge to ruin the ham with culture-war nonsense.

The hosts roll out a grab bag of survival tactics: polite shut-downs, hard redirects (“Who made this pi...

1 Maccabees 11 is basically Game of Thrones if every character had the same three names and the narrator kept shouting “he” like it explains anything. Ptolemy rolls into Syria “with words of peace” (classic), plants garrisons everywhere (less peaceful), and then the whole Alexander–Cleopatra situation turns into a diplomatic soap opera where wives get traded like baseball cards and heads get mailed as party favors.

Meanwhile, Jo...

Pronouns in 1 Maccabees 8–10 are doing crimes against clarity, so we hit pause and run a full-on Q&A intervention. Judas hears about Rome (yes, that Rome), decides “distant empire bestie” is a solid plan, and sends envoys to lock in a treaty… which mostly functions as a symbolic “don’t make me call my big cousin” threat.

Then the story hard-swerves into “and now Judas is dead because… choices.” Demetrius I sends Bacchides t...

This week on Sacrilegious Discourse, we slog through 1 Maccabees 10, a chapter that’s basically Game of Thrones if every character was a walking pronoun problem and every plot twist was solved with a gift basket. Alexander Epiphanes shows up, grabs territory, and Demetrius responds like a petty ex—“NO, I’M the king!”—and suddenly everyone’s trying to buy Jonathan’s loyalty like he’s the swing state of Judea.

The highlight: polit...

Trump’s Religious Liberty Commission (created by executive order on May 1, 2025) gets the Sacrilegious Discourse treatment: suspicious side-eye, gallows humor, and a full roll-call of the “God Club” lineup, starting with chair Dan Patrick and vice-chair Ben Carson.

The hosts tear into what “religious liberty” actually means when it’s being pitched by Christian power brokers: not freedom from religion, but freedom to be religious...

This week on Sacrilegious Discourse, we crack open 1 Maccabees 9 and immediately get hit with seasonal chaos (“Jingle bell, jingle bell…”), plus a refresher rant about the book’s absolute felony-level pronoun abuse. Husband and Wife are begging the text to pick a “they” and stay there—because it keeps swapping who the subject is mid-sentence like it’s trying to start a fight.

Chapter-wise, the big headline is: Judas goes full ma...

1 Maccabees 8 is basically ancient geopolitics with the world’s worst pronoun problem. We spend half the episode doing live “pronoun triage” just to figure out who’s conquering whom (again). At one point, the text produces a sentence so cursed you both stop to verbally stare at it in disgust.

Then the chapter swerves into full Roman propaganda: “Rome is so valiant… and also valiant… and did we mention valiant?”—plus a highlight...

If you thought 1 Maccabees was confusing the first time through, welcome to the Q&A episode where we prove it wasn’t just you, it’s the text. The hosts dive into chapters 1–7 and immediately tackle the big brain question: is Eupator related to Jupiter? Short answer: nope. Longer answer: his name basically means “son of awesome dad,” because Antiochus IV Epiphanes was so full of himself he named his kid after his own greatness.....

Judas Maccabeus is back on his murder tour, and this time 1 Maccabees 7 serves up beheaded generals, and one extremely “arrogant” right hand that ends up hanging "beside" Jerusalem like a bloody lawn ornament. The crew kicks off by trying (and failing) to untangle which Antiochus is which, who Demetrius is replacing, and whether anyone in this book has ever heard of clear pronouns. War elephants from the last chapter get a recap, J...

In this episode, the Maccabees aren’t the only drama queens — King Antiochus IV basically has a full-on meltdown because he didn’t get to steal enough gold, then decides he’s dying of feelings instead of, you know, old age. The hosts walk through 1 Maccabees 6, dragging the idea that this genocidal tyrant suddenly grew a conscience about Jerusalem while he’s still out looting temples and throwing imperial tantrums. We also get into...

Judas Maccabeus is back, and this time he’s on full genocidal tour mode. In 1 Maccabees 5, our hosts walk through a chapter that reads less like “faith heroism” and more like “war crime highlight reel” — burning people alive in towers, slaughtering “all the males,” torching temples, and then calling it holy victory. They dig into how the text frames this as righteous defense while clearly crossing the line into mass murder, drawing...