We Have A Big Problem Sis

Dear Steve and Shirley, I've been divorced for four years and my 7 year old child is caught up in a dysfunctional mess with me and my ex-husband. After my divorce, I found out that my older sister was having an affair with my husband. Throughout the divorce, she was my rock and I turned to her for advice, since she’d been divorced 3 times. All of the signs were there that they could have been messing around, but I was going thru hell, so I didn’t notice...............

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Time now for the Strawberry Letter for today. If you
need advice and relationships, dating, work, sex, parenting, and more,
please submit your Strawberry Letter to Steve Harvey FM dot
com and click submit Strawberry Letter. We could be reading
your letter love on the air, just like we're gonna
read this one right here, right now. Hold on tight.

(00:20):
We got it for you. Here it is letter. Did
you hear me? Oh? I heard the fact that I
get to do my intro he because when he not he,
I mean when when you not you you don't want
meet saying nothing, you don't like me? You mean you
mean you mean don't want you saying nothing? Like now

(00:42):
when she could be reading a letter like you don't
like me? Unless he loves talking about it. Let's talk
about all right subject. We have a big problem sis.
Dear Stephen Shirley, I've been divorced for four years and
my seven year old child is caught up in a
dysfunctional mess with me and my ex husband. After my divorce,

(01:03):
I found out that my older sister was having an
affair with my husband. Throughout the divorce, she was my
rock and I turned to her for advice since she'd
been divorced three times. All of the signs were there
that they could have been messing around, but I was
going through hell, so I didn't notice. My sister had

(01:23):
started calling me at work a lot, and I thought
it was to check on me, but I found out
later that she was making sure I was at work
so she could be alone with my husband in our bed.
When it all came out, I felt so stupid. It
seemed as if my husband was relieved to give me
the details. Well, fast forward to present day. My sister

(01:46):
lives with my ex husband and they are planning to
get married. This is torn up my entire family. My
son knows that his mommy and his auntie don't get along,
but he does not know why. He contently asked me
why his auntie lives with his daddy instead of me
and him living with his daddy. All I told him

(02:08):
is that his auntie hurt his mommy really bad. I
have never said anything negative about his daddy to him.
He's too young to understand. I have told my ex
that our son does not need to stay with him
right now because it's confusing to him. My ex is
so very nasty towards me and still has no remorse

(02:28):
for what he's done, so he insists that he gets
weakend visitation. For four years, I've been bitter and angry
and want to hurt both of them. Someone mentioned counseling
to me, but I need a little more than that.
I need peace in my life and in my son's life.
How can we move on from this and be happy? Wow,

(02:50):
you're a really good person to not have you done
something physical and violent to both of them. I must
tell you some sort, you know, even if that's at
a low level, some sort, I mean, I really have
to commend you for that. I'm a person, I'm a
woman that has two brothers. I always wanted sisters because
I always, you know, just wanted that closeness. She could

(03:12):
be my bff, we could bond all of that. But
clearly this is not the case in your situation with
you and your sister. I mean, she's ratchet and trifling,
she really is. I mean, calling your job to see
if you were at work so she could be with
your husband and your bed. Now she's living with him,
you divorced because he was This is just awful, I mean,

(03:35):
and I can imagine how this has torn your family apart.
And he doesn't seem to carry your ex husband. What
effect this has on your seven year old son, That's
really where your focus should be. How is he going
to come out of all of this? So to you,
I gotta tell you, you gotta be strong right now
for the both of you, because this kid is confused. Okay,

(03:57):
so daddy's not living with us, mommy, but he is
still in the family because he's living with Auntie. Now
can you imagine how confusing that is for a child?
And then your ex husband wants visitation on the weekend,
so he's gonna be over there still with his daddy,
your sister who now might be his step mom slash Auntie.

(04:19):
I mean, the confusion and craziness of all of this.
But you know he's gonna find out she's been to
force three times. He's gonna find out why. In just
a few short minutes. He will be I'm sure ex
husband number four when this is all over with, because

(04:40):
she is trifling. She is ratchet, your older sister. I mean,
of all the men in the world, she goes after
you're a man, your husband, I mean, and right in
your face. Yeah, but how do you get through it?
This is a tough one. Right here, I'm gonna have
to tell you if you can, Yes, I want you
to go to some counseling for sure, for sure for

(05:03):
you and your son. And this is hard. You're gonna
have to try to find it in your heart to
forgive them in this situation, because that's one of the
cleanest ways you can move on with your life. I mean,
that's hard. If you can. You know, I didn't say forget,
but you're gonna have to try and forgive them if

(05:25):
you can. That's what I have for you, Steve. All Right,
before I read this letter, I want to make this
statement right here that nothing I'm about to say is
what I really want to say. Nothing nothing you want
to custom, Well, it's not so much to cuss, but

(05:45):
you do though. What I want to do to the
both of them, I can't say on the radio or recommend.
So let me take this approach to this. This woman's
been divorced and she's got a seven year old. They
caught up in this functional mess her ex husband after
your divorce. After the divorce, now this is after divorce.

(06:07):
You find out that my oldest sister was having an
affair with my husband. Okay, so I'm s now you
found this out after divorce. This is your saving grace
in this whole thing that you found out after you
got the divorce. God spared you knowing this during for

(06:31):
a particular reason, and you turned to her for advice
because she's been divorced three times and she did something
to make you think she was Okay, when I come back,
I'm gonna tell you the grace and all of this
that you have. There is an upside today. Okay, Steve,
hang on, We'll have part two of your response coming
up at twenty three minutes after the hour right after this.

(06:52):
You're listening, all right, Steve, come on, Let's recap today's
Strawberry letter. We have am this woman been divorced four years,
got the seven year old child who's in this dysfunctional mess,
her ex husband. She found out after the divorce, that
found out that her oldest sister was having an affair

(07:15):
with the husband that you got the divorce from. Now,
there's a reason why you didn't know this during because
that would have been gut wrenching. I'm pretty sure it
is now, but at least you got the divorce. Now,
during the divorce, she was your rock, and you turned
to her for advice, you know, because she's been divorced

(07:37):
three times. I don't know what advice you get from
somebody that's been divorced three times, except especially when you're
going through a divorce, except just how to get through divorcing.
That's the best advice, Especially when you find out that
all the signs that were there that they had been
messing around, but you didn't notice. Your sister it was

(08:00):
calling you at work. You thought it was a check
on you, but you found out she was making sure
you was at work so she could be along with
my husband in our bed. Okay, now that's trifling. Let
me tell you what's wrong here. You have discovered after
the marriage that two of the most despicable, trifling people

(08:22):
were in your life. You had a bad husband, you
got a bad sister, and it's led to a bad situation.
These two people right here are the worst of the worst.
The blessing is you had that you got a chance
to get away from one of them. Now, the problem

(08:42):
with siblings is you don't get to pickle you're born
with them. Because your sisters don't mean you have to
be friends. You and your sister are not friends. Now,
Shirley said, a good thing. Shirley said, you have to forgive.
I don't know how you forgive this right here, but
you do have to move on from it now. When

(09:04):
it all came out, you say you felt stupid, And
then it seemed as if my husband was relieved to
give you the details. Well, number one, he had been
living a lie. So giving you the details also was
to make you feel a couple of things. Number one
like something was your fault, and number two, it was

(09:27):
your sister's fault. See dudes that open up about stuff
like this, it's to say to him, some of this,
if I hadn't been around in this situation with you
and your family, it were half of it is your
fault and the rest of it is your sister fault.
Now fast forward to present day. Your sister live with
your ex husband and they planning on getting madded. How

(09:48):
you think that's gonna work? As surely pointed out, she'd
been divorced three times and she didn't slept with her
sister's husband. What type of blessing you think Finn to
be on this mess? Right? Thank God you out of it. See,
oftentimes when God pulls us through stuff. We mess up
by dabbling back into stuff. Well, now your son is

(10:11):
another problem. He knows that his mommy and his auntie
don't get along. Well, that's cool, you can explain that.
Quit taking him over there. He constantly asked me why
his auntie lived with his daddy. Ads a little bit
of trouble. And if he's seven, he going to school,
somebody else gonna ask too, instead of you wan't to know,
instead of why you and him don't live with your daddy.

(10:32):
I told him that his auntie hurt his mommy really bad.
I've never said anything negative about his daddy to him.
He's too young to understand. I've told my ex that
our son does not need to stay with him right
now because it's confusing to him, which is a true statement.
But now he has no relationship with his father, which
is probably worse. So I don't know that sister has

(10:57):
caused some confusion in him as to why his dad
is staying with his auntie and not staying with him
and his mama. That confusion is going to exist whether
he sees his dad or not. But him not seeing
his father he needs that. He may not be a
good husband. He could be a good father, though my

(11:19):
ex is so very nasty towards me and still has
no remorse for what he's done. Or he's nasty towards
you because that's a defense mechanism. He got to be
nasty towards you because you have every right to be
nasty towards him. But kindness kills baby. Or if you
would to just be kind to him and his ex wife,

(11:39):
him and your sister, it would kill him. Now that's
gonna take a lot for you. And I'm not sure
you the person that has that, because for years I've
been bitter and angry and I want to hurt both
of them. See. Somebody told you that you should go
to counseling, and you really should, because you need to
talk over this with somebody to discuss your feelings. But
I need a little more than that. Well, the only

(11:59):
thing or than that is God. See. And the one
thing I'm gonna tell you, some old people say sometimes
you got to let go and let God. You gotta
take this situation that you're going through that's bigger than
anything any of us have for you, and you got
to turn it over to God. I ain't joking, man,
You really got to turn this one over to God

(12:20):
because you need peace in your life. And I know
no better way to get peace in your life through
a relationship with God. I don't know a better way.
It's my peace in my life and in your son's life.
How can we move on from this and be happy?
You move on to it because He got you out
of it. Stop dabbling in it. You got to play

(12:41):
the game now, Okay, this your daddy boom and separate yourself.
You gotta get to that point or you're gonna lose
your mind. You need counseling and you need prayer. Yep.
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(13:03):
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