April 23, 2020 • 35 mins
Ron tells us the top 10 people he’d like to meet in heaven.
CREDITS:
Host, Writer, and Executive Producer: Ron Burgundy
Co-host, Writer and Producer: Carolina Barlow
Producer: Nick Stumpf
Talent Producer: Anna Hossnieh
Writers: Andrew Steele and Jake Fogelnest
Engineered, Mixed and Edited by Nick Stumpf
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
There are ten people I would like to meet when
I get to the Pearly Gates. I'm going to list
them on my show, and one is not Phoebe Kates.
Phoebe Cats is not dead, so she wouldn't be in
heaven in any way. She's a wonderful person, a wonderful,
blonderful person. Ten people I would like to meet in Heaven. Hello,
(00:26):
podcast listeners. My name is Ron Burgundy, and I'm an
exceptional man. About a year ago, another wonderful man named
Mitch Palbon came out with a very popular book called
The Five People You Meet in Heaven, And although I
didn't read the book, it was a big time bestseller.
I prefer saucier stuff when I read. I like historical
(00:47):
novels about lords and ladies and body wenches and sword
play I do. I like sword play in my fiction,
and I like comely lasses too. I also like thought
provoking literature about the Roman Times. I'm a bit of
a scholar when it comes to the Roman Times. Did
you know that they didn't refer to the Roman Times
as the Roman Times? In the Roman Times? They didn't.
(01:12):
They called them the now Times, just like we do now.
Isn't that funny. Oh yes, yes, Carolina is here as always.
She's my partner in crime for these entertaining talkie talks
we do called podcast. Hello there, old friend. Were you
going to tell people what to show is all about? Nonsense?
It's about nonsense like it is every week. I'm going
(01:32):
to talk and talk and talk until it's all over,
and then I'm going to walk to my car, take
a nap in my car, and then drive to a
supermarket and get a bottle of scotch. From there, I'll
head home so I can lounge on my balcony and
the nude drinking Scotch until I pass out. At some
point I will eat a steak. You told me there
was a theme to today's show, though I did, Oh
(01:54):
so I did. It was the book by Mitch Gablon
called People You've Got to Meet in Heaven. Well, guess what, Carolina.
We are going to beat this Ganton guy and we're
going to talk about not five, but ten people I
would like to meet in heaven. That's twice what that
guy talked about. So today's episode is going to be
(02:17):
about the ten people we would like to meet in heaven.
That's right, And I think everyone has a shortlist of
people throughout history that they would like to meet when
they finally get to Heaven. I mean, don't you, Carolina,
I don't know. I don't mean you probably could make
I mean, let's be clear, Heaven's not just going to
be about meeting people. There will be tennis courts and
(02:37):
poolside bars with all you can eat, buffets with tacos
and make your own ice cream Sundays. There will be
movie nights and meet and greet socials and Katie Hawkins
dances and let's not forget world class Sadie Hawkins dance.
You mean, yeah, Sadie or Katie, depends on what part
of the country you're from. Also, let's not forget in
(02:58):
Heaven there's gonna be world class entertainment along with seven
gaming rooms and the beds. Don't get me started on
the beds. The thread count on the sheets in Heaven
will be simply the best. I'm guessing Egyptian cotton, maybe Macy's,
or maybe they get a discounted bed bath. And beyond it,
I don't I don't know what I'm saying. Maybe the
(03:20):
angels make the sheets and Heaven. You know what, Carolina,
you just don't know. You don't that's what That's what
I know. You just don't know. You don't know much
about heaven except that it will be pure luxury. Oh Carolina,
You and I would love to have in my bathroom
up in heaven one of those shower nozzles that hits
(03:42):
you like thirty five different ways, right in the butt
hole and the donker. I've always wanted one of those.
How about you? What kind of shower would you like
in Heaven? Um, I don't know. I've never really thought
about it. I mean, I guess I would like it
to work when I turn it on, and and I
guess it would be great if the hot water didn't
cut out all of a sudden. Come on, Carolina, dream
(04:04):
a little. It's heaven we're talking about. I mean, I
like good water pressure, But what about thirty five jets
of high power water hitting your boobies in your butt? Um? Sure,
I guess I would like that. Now we're talking huh man,
I can hardly wait to get their TV in the bathroom.
Should we get on with the theme of today's show?
(04:25):
You bet. Here's the theme song I wrote for today's show.
Even though we always have our normal theme songs that
we play at the beginning of the podcast. But it
goes like this, there are ten people I would like
to meet when I get to the early gates. I'm
going to list them on my show. And one is
not Phoebe Kates. Phoebe Cats is not dead, so she
(04:49):
wouldn't be in heaven in any way. She's a wonderful person,
a wonderful, blonderful person. Ten people I would like to
meet in heaven. Oh that grab you Huh? You just
made that up. I've been working on that theme song
for a week. Nope, Carolina, you are a quick little
(05:10):
smarty bands. I did indeed make that up. Well, let's
get on with today's show. The first person I would
like to meet in heaven is Dougie Stupor knot. Who
is Douggy stupor Not? Interesting story. I was in junior high,
so we are going back sometime. And I had a
(05:31):
baseball glove. And and this was not just any baseball glove,
you know what I mean? Baseball glove did I ever?
I slept with it, I brought it to dances. I
went everywhere with that baseball glove. I didn't take that
darn thing off my hand for a whole year, and
then one day my baseball glove goes missing and I panic.
(05:54):
I mean, I tried to burn down the school. I
called the FBI, no joke. I got a drug sniffing
dog and tried to teach it to smell leather. It
found horse saddles and wallets and car seats, but the
stupid dog never found my glove. Then one day I
got a hot tip. Some people said that they saw
Dougie stuborn Not with my glove in the park. Now
(06:15):
stupor Ko had the locker right next to mine, so
it made perfect sense. I went to his house and
I confronted him, and you know what he did, He
lied right to my face. So long story short, when
I get to Heaven, I'm gonna find doug you stuber Not,
and I'm gonna punch him in the nose and get
my glove back. The first person you meet in heaven
(06:37):
a guy named Dougie Stuborn. Not You're going to punch
in the nose. Okay, who else would you like to
meet in heaven? Michael Jackson? Oh okay, that's interesting. Why
does that surprise you? We we were friends once. I
didn't know anything about any of that other junk that
was going on. I was. I was more friends with Tito,
but Michael and I had a love of animals. We shared.
(06:58):
He had his monkeys and I had Baxter. Anyway, most
people know that for a short while I had the
world's largest collection of domesticated big horn sheep. Can you
domesticate a big horn sheep? Not really, but I had
two of them in my backyard and they were about
as domesticated as you could get. That was the world's
largest collection, world's largest, or maybe they were they were
(07:21):
just sick, who knows. I had the Jackson's over for
dinner one night. Michael was just a boy, maybe fourteen. Anyway,
I could tell he liked the big horns, and well,
it was a wonderful night. We played twister and sang
songs and and then they left. And then I noticed
that one of my big horns was gone. Yeah, the
one I called lazy butt, on account that he never
(07:42):
moved or did anything and just sat around and looked
tired and sad. And I found out years later Michael
Jackson has a whole zoo at his house. So the
proof is in the pudding. I know that that guy
stole one of my big horns. Anyway, when I get
to Heaven, I'm gonna find Michael Jackson and punch him
in the news and find out what happened to my
bighorn sheep. So are there people you would want to
(08:04):
meet in Heaven that you wouldn't punch the nose? Sure?
What about Yoda? Yoda from Star Wars? Yep, he's not
real in heaven, he's real. I'd really like to sit
down with Yoda. Not because he's a green blob of
a guy, or because he talks backwards, or because he's
a smart guy, or because he can float in the air.
(08:25):
I would like to talk to Yoda because he's like
eight hundred years old. How fun would that be? Right?
You could ask a guy like that almost anything. What
was it like to roll a hoop down the street
for fun? What? What what's it like to kill a witch?
Who was the baddest mofo during the Civil War? How
tall was Alexander Hamilton's And believe me, he would be
(08:47):
happy to tell you. That guy can talk up a stormy.
He takes his time, but he can sure talk. Did
you ever see the movie Star Wars. Did I see
Star Wars? Yes, it's it's a movie that takes place
in outer space with laser shooters. Huh did you see Yeah,
everyone saw Star Wars. Yes, I saw it. Then you
know about Yoda. He doesn't really show up until the
(09:10):
Second Star Wars. You know. You may know it as
the fifth Star Wars, but in my day it was
called the second Star Wars. Actually, Ronald Reagan started Star Wars,
but George Lucas gave it the pizzas. So you would
like to meet Yoda in heaven and ask him about
notable moments from American history. Notice I said Yoda, not
baby Yoda. Baby Yoda is ridiculous and stupid. I had
(09:34):
no intention of ever talking to that guy. I don't
see what the big deal is. He's not cute, he
doesn't talk, he's not even a good actor, but the
real grown up Yoda. But he's a cool customer in heaven,
and there's there's probably a line out the back of
Heaven to talk to him or get him to sign stuff.
And I wouldn't wait in a line. But eventually I
get my chance to talk to Yoda. I'm not one
(09:55):
of those crazy Star wars. People you see down in
my neck of the woods around comic con, you know
the type. They get all dressed up and play with
fake lightsabers. Carolina, you ever you ever heard of comic con?
Once again, everyone has heard of comic con. Don't sense me.
It's a very big deal down in my neck of
the woods. It happens every year, and let me tell
(10:16):
you it is a magical extravagance. Of the streets are
filled with the colors of the rainbow, and there's like
sixteen Spider Man's and thirty Wonder Woman's and usually a
Count Dracula. And you're like, guy, is that the best
you can do? Count Dracula? But it's a it's a
ton of fun. I usually open up a little butter
brickle stand to make a few extra shekels the week
comic Con comes to town, don't It's called ron Burgundies
(10:39):
Bodacious butter brickle, and it's usually the hit a comic con.
Google it you'll see it's called ron burgundiese bodacious butter Brickle.
That's goody, you know, Carolina. Before we continue, I let's
take an ad break. We'll take a little pause here,
and when we come back, we will talk a little
bit more on people I would love to meet in heaven.
(11:12):
And we're back at the Ron Burgundy Podcast. We're listening
to Ron list his ten people he would like to
meet in heaven. Yes, he's a controversial one. I'd like
to meet John F. Kennedy when I get to heaven. No. Yeah,
he would be interesting, probably very smart. The main reason
I'd like to meet JFK. As he is sometimes known,
(11:33):
is because he might be able to confirm my deepest
suspicion about who really killed him. H Lee Harvey Oswald
killed Kennedy. Ah, oh, Carolina, you said, unquestioning, naive young woman.
(12:02):
I wouldn't expect you to understand. But the world isn't
always wrapped up in the neat little pink bow that
you wanted to be. No, there are a lot of
theories about who killed Kennedy. Did the Russians do it?
What about the mob? Some people think Lyndon B. Johnson
paid Oswald to do it. Hoover was in love with Oswald.
(12:22):
That was a known fact, so maybe he did it.
There are those not many who think Christopher Walkin did it.
Even aliens come into play, But I've I've had my
own theory for quite some time. And if I get
a chance to ask j f K, I bet he
would tell me. I'm right. Who do you think killed Kennedy? Well,
simple math. Everyone knew the thirty fifth president was sleeping
(12:45):
with Marilyn Monroe, that voluptuous, blonde bombshell and Hollywood vixen.
And what red blooded American male would not sleep with
Marilyn Monroe if given the chance? Huh? Wh wouldn't sleep
with Marilyn Monroe? Can you think of anyone? Would you
would sleep with her? Right? I mean, yeah, I guess
(13:07):
I would. You wouldn't kick her out of bed for
eating crackers? No, I wouldn't Marilyn Monroe? Classic, I mean,
I dig up her grave and take her for a
ride today if I thought the worms hadn't already eaten
her up. Oh my god? Uh uh you know what? No,
(13:27):
I yeah, I shouldn't have said that. Don't work, you
know what? I will edit that out later. No, No,
I got it. Anyway, all of Washington, New JFK, and
Maryland were sneaking off to engage in sexual activity, and
this did not sit well with someone in particular. And
this someone hatched a plan. While the motorcaid steered its
way through the hot streets of Dallas that unforgettable day,
(13:50):
Jacqueline Lee Kennedy reached into her purse and pulled out
a tiny pistol that blew open our president's head. So
do you think Jackie Kennedy killed jfk Hell no fury
like a woman scorned. It's a theory. I dabbled in criminology,
A parlor game, really, but it's a lot of fun.
So if I saw him in heaven, I would ask him, Hey,
did your wife shoot you in the head. I can
(14:11):
see it now, the slow smile and the chuckle and
finally the admission. You'd probably shake my hand as the
first person to solve the case. Anyway, who else? I mean,
you can meet anyone. What about like Gandhi or Napoleon
or Lincoln. I've got one Jerry Lewis. That guy always
made me laugh with his antics, The King of slapstick.
(14:36):
Jerry Lewis. What a performer. That's a guy I would
want to meet. Then I'd go for jazz musician Miles Davis.
That's pretty cool, ye, Well, for those of you who
don't know, I play a pretty solid jazz flute. In fact,
I'd say I can sit in with the best of them. Anyway,
Miles and I go way back. I was once covering
(14:57):
a news story in a little town outside of Denver
called Mullenston. Look it up, It's on Google. And after
a after a long day's work, I pulled into a
roadside bar to have a scotch and check out the
local color. Up on the bandstand was none other than
Miles Davis. This was in his Coltrane period, so it
was him and John Coltrane. Anyway. The crowd was comprised
(15:21):
of mainly cowboys and hicks, and it it struck me
as odd that Miles would have gotten the gig in
this out of the way joint. But I was digging
the sound and enjoying the scotch when all of a
sudden there was a roar of thunder and the doors
burst open. It was a biker gang, but not just
any biker gang, but the most fearsome of them all,
the Crimson Dragons. I thought the Hell's Angels were like
(15:43):
the most notorious biker gang. Okay, but you know what,
this is my story, Caroline. If you want to make
up a biker gang name for your stories, then you
can do that. But but this is my story. So
the Crimson Dragons it is. It just doesn't even sound tough.
It sounds like a girls soccer team. These were tough
guy eyes. It must have been fifty of them, leather jackets, beards,
(16:03):
blue jeans, the whole nine yards. And they didn't like jazz.
The leader of the group a big scary guy named
Mustache Bill. Yell out, get them musicians off the stage.
Mustache the leader of the Crimson Dragons. Yes, he was
six ft ten weighed three hundred pounds. To kill him
with a gun would take fifteen rounds. He ate like
(16:25):
a bear, and he smelled like one too. Every time
he pooped it was a mountain of pooh. In one
hand he held across from his wife. In the other
hand he carried a big bowie knife. The cross was
for prayer and the knife for to kill. And that's
why they called him Mustache Bill. You wrote a poem.
(16:47):
I'm not sure what you're talking about anyway, This mean
old Mustache Bill says, get them musicians off the stage.
And I could see that Miles and Train were scared
to death. The old gang started running for the band,
knocking over chairs and tossing people around. Well that's when
I remember that I had my flute with me, and
(17:07):
as they are running to beat up the guys in
the band, I yell out, anyone who doesn't like jazz
is a square. And I know it sounds like a
pretty soft insult these days, but back then, whoa boy?
You call someone a square? And it was like calling
them a mother today anyway, the guy comes to a
(17:28):
dead halt and turns to look at me. The bar
is as quiet as a whorehouse on a Sunday morning.
Mustache Bill starts to walk towards me, holding the big
booie knife that there wasn't a poem. He starts to
walk towards me, and that's when I bring the flute
to my mouth and blow. At first something soft and juicy,
(17:50):
But then my mojo gets going and I get real soulful,
and some of the guys in the motorcycle gang start
getting into the groove, as they say, and I get
deeper into a day own home jazz funk kind of thing.
The rhythm section starts to join in, and I can
see now I have the whole gang in the palm
of my hand. Then Miles and Coltrane start playing with me.
(18:11):
Each new riff has them cheering and shouting. They hardly
let us finish. I want more jazz, shouted Mustache Bill.
We played on into the morning. Miles Davis thank me
for saving the band, and off I went into the
early morning air of the Rocky Mountains, satisfied that jazz
flute had saved another life. So yeah, I'd like to
(18:31):
see my old friend Miles Davis when I get to heaven.
We could have a good laugh over Mustache Bill and
the Crimson Dragons. I'm sorry, I can't help it. Mustache
Bill and the Crimson Dragon sounds like a children's book.
You know who else I'd like to meet in heaven? Cleopatra.
Oh that's a good choice, don't I know it. Cleopatra
was probably the foxiest woman of all time. She had
(18:53):
a way about her, that's for sure. I like the
way she did her stuff all right, man, that was
all woman, packed of that Egyptian frame. Hot cha cha.
Where there's smoke, there's fire. You know what I'm talking about?
Sea Balls? My name isn't Sea Balls? What happened to you?
So you want to meet Cleopatra because she was beautiful?
Is that it? Little background? Sea balls. I am an
(19:16):
amateur historian. Almost everyone knows that I've actually won awards
with my history stuff. AnyWho not to brag, but ancient
Roman times is kind of my thing. In short, I've
done the research. Cleopatra, as she was known, was the
ruler of Egypt, and this Egypt was not the show
it is today, no, sir. This is what they call
(19:36):
the Golden period of Egypt, when all of Egypt looked
like palm springs. The women looked like the MGM backlot
in the forties, and the men looked like guys working
out in muscle beach. Most of the men walked around
in long beach towels they called togas, and the women
mainly wore one piece bathing suits and four inch heels.
It was a glorious time. There was much playing around
(19:58):
in the sun, games like volley all played with human heads.
The research shows, and other sports that were specific to
the time, like the game ner athene, which I don't
have the time to explain, but it was something like
the game lacrosse with shovels and rocks and was very popular.
According to my research, into this world of blissful pleasure
(20:19):
comes Cleopatra, Cha, Mama Louis. She looked like Estra Williams
climbing out of a pool. Sorry. She looked like Dorothy
Lamore walking out of the jungle, Dorothy Veronica Lake, swishing
and swaying her way onto the scene. I don't know
her either. Sorry, Okay, I'll make it easy, said Charis
in American in Paris. I wooka nothing. Sorry, Janet Lee, No,
(20:44):
I don't know Gene Harlow nothing. I can't. Let's see
think ron more modern. Here's one Tina Louise moving on.
I don't know her. Okay, what if I threw Angie
Dickinson your way? Three fast ones, Anita Eckbert, Jane Manson,
Adrian Barbara. Come on, she's contemporary, got it? Wrap your
(21:04):
millennial mind around this bow, Derek, Now, you're just making
up names. I give up. Let's reframe this. Who was
the most beautiful woman today? I don't know. I think
we have different ideas of beauty. I mean I find
Ruth pader Ginsburg to be beautiful. Boy. Okay, forget the analogy.
Into this land of pleasure and decadence walks the lovely Cleopatra,
(21:28):
looking like Barbara Eden from I Dream of Genie. I
don't know who that is anyway. This beautiful woman, who
apparently looks like no one that Carolina can recognize, even
though I gave her fifty prominent examples that any Tom
Dicker Harry could name, comes over to Julius Caesar's house
(21:50):
in Rome just the biggest, baddest ruler of all time,
seduces him, has some children, and then heads home on
a party boat. Cut to a few years later. Now
there's an new guy in room named Mark Anthony who
looked like Victor Mature without his shirt on. Who's that?
Just some guy? Forget I said it. He goes to
visit Cleopatra up the Nile, and guess what, he seduces him.
(22:11):
They have a couple of kids. So now you see,
you see why I want to meet up with her.
I don't know. It's simple. Do I Ron Burgundy have
the power to resist the greatest temptress in the history
of mankind? Probably not, but I just gotta find out.
It's ah, it's time for another ad break. We'll be
(22:32):
right back. You're just not gonna believe who rounds out
my list on the people I would love to meet
in Heaven more after this. Alright, we're back to the
(22:53):
Ron Burgundy Podcast. Thank you for your listenership. And uh, Carolina,
I think you're really been enjoying my list of the
people I'd like to meet in Heaven. I can tell
by the smile on your face. I mean, it's just
another day at work. I'm I'm just doing my job. Good. Great,
it's great. It's great to have a job, isn't it, Carolina? Yes? Yes,
(23:16):
Oh my god? So where were we? Oh? Yeah, I'd
like to sit down and meet Lassie, last the dog.
That's right, Lastie, the Collie dog. Of all the great
animals that have passed away and gone to heaven, I
think Lastie would be the most interesting to meet. Sure,
Flipper the dolphin or Babe the pig come to mind,
But if I see them in a coffee shop up there,
I will no doubt say hello. But Lassie is the
lady I want to talk to you. Do you think
(23:38):
you'll be able to communicate with animals in heaven? Why not?
I mean I talked to you know, my dog Baxter
every day, and he talks back to me quite often
in a very dismissive tone. Baxter is a cantankerous little
rascal sometimes who can dish it out just as much
as he can take it. He could be a real Now, Lastie,
that's a classy lady. She's she saved lives, stopped criminals,
(24:01):
started her own TV show, What a guest she would
be on the Ron Burgundy Podcast in Heaven. You do
know that over the years there were probably multiple last
Sees that played the part of Lassie, like they all
had different names and different trainers. Probably you can be
a real pill sometimes. Well, next William Shakespeare, the writer,
(24:22):
is there another William Shakespeare? Well, I don't know if
if you knew that William Shakespeare was a writer. No,
most people know that. Well you never heard of Dorothy Lamore,
so I figured maybe there was a gas leak or something,
or you couldn't remember stuff. I know who William Shakespeare
is good. He's one of the ten people that I'd
like to meet in Heaven. That's the theme of today's show.
(24:42):
As as you know, I'm also a writer, mainly letters
to food companies and airlines, but I also have written
eight unpublished novels and two books of poetry, a self
help book, a total fitness book, a book about ghosts,
and I'm working on a history of all mankind. So
as a writer, I think it would be very interesting
to get into the mind of this guy Shakespeare, writer
(25:05):
to writer. How does he work, what's his process? And
when starting a novel does he like to work off
an outline? That kind of stuff? He wrote plays in poetry,
didn't he didn't write any novels. Okay, miss college graduate,
I'm sure he wrote some novels. They probably just weren't
published at the time. Hamlet was a novel. The Hamlet
(25:25):
is a play. I'll be checking that on Google later.
People throw facts around these days like they know stuff,
but you can't escape the Google anyway. My point is,
if I could sit down with this guy Shakespeare, I
could really figure out what makes him tick and not
to toot my own horn, but I can imagine he
would want to know my process as well. For instance,
I talked into a tape recorder when I feel a
(25:47):
novel coming on, I can talk out a whole novel
on a regular Sunday drive. Then I have someone type
it up and viola, I'm done. One complete novel. But
I bet Shakespeare wishes he could have done that. Huh
do you think? I don't know? Well, anyway, Shakespeare and
I probably have a ton of common, so I bet
we could be pals in heaven. That's eight people, and
(26:09):
you have two more. Here's someone I would love to meeting.
And I don't care, Lota, you're a big fan of two?
Mr Evil Knevil? Yes, what is the interest there? Well?
I mean, that guy just played by his own rules.
You know, he just said, Hey, you don't think I
can jump twenty one British double decker busses at Wimbley Stadium.
(26:37):
Let me show you which, by the way, he clipped
the last bus and wiped out horribly. But my point
is the pageantry, the flare, the capes, just the moxie. Yeah,
he sounded like from what I've read about him, that
he really struggle with alcoholism and openly cheated on his wife.
(26:59):
And you know a lot of the stunts he pulled.
He knew he would get an audience just because he
would fail and injure himself. Then wouldn't that be fascinating
to talk to him face to face? Um? Yeah, okay, okay,
And what I love too. Is that he that was
his birth name and he turned it into a positive.
Someone named him Evil Knevil. Clarence and Marcia kne Evil
(27:22):
named their son Evil, and he said, I'm gonna turn
this into a positive and make some sense out of
this name. So crazy, Clarence and Marcia just couldn't help themselves.
I bet you he had few regrets. I actually think
he may have had many, and that's something you could
talk to about. Yeah, I just feel like I'm gonna
(27:45):
want to meet different people, and so you can meet him,
and I will talk to Winston Churchill. I just I
feel like we might be in different crowds. Okay, but
don't call me on my heaven cell phone when you're
hearing you know how great my dinner parties are going
(28:05):
compared to yours. Okay, I won't. I will call you
on your heaven cell phone when I want to talk,
but we'll have separate parties. Fine. Fine, And I have
a feeling you're going to regret that statement. I hope,
I hope. I don't. In fact, I don't know if
(28:28):
I want you at some of my parties in heaven.
So I'm already not invited but what if I'm in
the neighborhood. What if I make a wrong turn and
I end up in your cul de sect? Just respect
that I might want privacy. You know, Heaven's golf course living.
It's a resort style living, right, My heaven might be different,
(28:49):
but sure, we don't have a choice. Okay, I just
find it sad that my heaven I'll be living on
a golf course. Most theologians concur that a rough guideline
of what heaven is going to look like. Now, I've
never been to this place myself personally. I've seen photos
(29:10):
and it looks marvelous, but a rough template of what
heaven is going to look like mar lago. I I
truly think that might be how coral colored Italian villas, stucco,
beautiful sculptures, fountains, marble for days, and golf, a lot
(29:36):
of green pillars, a lot of faux antiquities. And that's
that's what is in store. I just feel like heavens
a little bit more like a Raphallian painting. You know,
maybe um, some nymphs, maybe some centaurs who are kept
in a zoo. No, you go, you can go visit
(29:57):
the nymphs. And the centers at the zoo, the Heaven Zoo.
I don't one zoos. In Heaven. Everyone gets their own
golf cart. Did you know that? No? I didn't. They
do absolutely. Can you remember the joy and the thrill
of the first time you got to drive in a
golf cart as a little kid? Pretty fun? Yeah, So
(30:20):
you're gonna have your own personalized golf cart. You don't
have to recharge it. It's Heaven. It's an endless power
supply and you're just gonna cruise around and you know,
have breakfast at ten in the morning, leisurely breakfast, play
a few rounds of golf, grab a grab a soak,
a sauna or a hot tub, lunch, cocktails at three,
(30:47):
fish dinner at six in bed by eight forever, fish
dinner at six, or you can order the tenderline. So
that's that's roughly what it's going to be like. I
just wish there are more options. I guess, well, it's
tough when you're only option is high level luxury. So
(31:12):
I mean, is there any how do you go up
from there? Oh? I feel like after infinity, tenderloins or fish,
I would start to hate Heaven. But do you like
infinity pools, because there will be one infinity pool in
the center of the property that no joke goes on
(31:35):
for infinity. Oh, that's an existential crisis. In fact, you
have to be careful because you don't figure out where
the entrance point of the pool is. You'll just you'll
go forever. Yeah, you may start back up again, may
start exactly. Um, but that's a brief that's a brief
sketch of what the cozy confines of heaven. Eleven o'clock
(31:58):
cur for you. By the way, what do the guys
wear there? Golf attire? Slacks, um golf shirts. You can
wear shorts, but you gotta make sure you tuck your
shirt in. I don't look good in that outfit. By
the way, women preferably skirts. You can wear pants with pleats,
you have to be pleaded, but comfortable golf attire. Yeah,
(32:22):
it's gonna be hard. So it's good. It sounds great.
I feel like I might be single in heaven. And
speaking of heaven, will round up our list the number
one person I'd like to meet, Yes, drum roll please,
Jesus Christ. Not not a I know that's day one stuff.
(32:44):
But you don't go to the Louver Museum without seeing
the Mona Lisa. You don't go to New York without
climbing to the top of the christ they're building, and
you don't go to Heaven without seeing the man. Just
be interesting to sit down with that cat. Would you
ask for a picture, of course? Yeah, well there's going
once again, there's going to be a photographer throughout There
(33:07):
always be an on set photographer that haven't just and
he'll be like, can I get you two together? Please
put your drinks down. They never want you know, they
don't want you to be photographed with a cocktailer man.
So yeah, I'll probably I'd probably get a photograph upfront.
It's like an expensive armitsvah, yeah, that's where the production
value and uh, and then I would just let's see,
(33:30):
I'd I'd say, uh, I'd say why did you do it?
Why did you and your dad come up with the
whole shebang? That's what I'd ask him. Until then, That's
that's what we ask ourselves every day. Why the whole shebang?
Why the reason for any of it? What the hell
is all the nonsense about? I suspect we would have
to say something like we're here to love one another.
(33:52):
It's a shame, really that most of us wait until
we get to heaven to realize it. But what a
beautiful shame right in the meantime, Let's keep on deluding ourselves.
If we we can't love everyone, let's try and stay glassy, folks.
My name is Bron Burgundy. Good Night, Boston, Boston. The
(34:17):
Ron Burgundy Podcast is a production of I Heart Radio.
Ii'm Ron Burgundy. The host, writer and executive producer Carolina
Barlow is my co host, writer and producer. Our producer
is Nick Stump. Our talent coordinator is Anna Hosnier. Writers
are Andrew Steele and Jake Fobois. This episode was engineered, mixed,
(34:39):
and edited by Nick Stuff. Until next time, this is
Ron Burgundy.
There are ten people I would like to meet when
I get to the Pearly Gates. I'm going to list
them on my show, and one is not Phoebe Kates.
Phoebe Cats is not dead, so she wouldn't be in
heaven in any way. She's a wonderful person, a wonderful,
blonderful person. Ten people I would like to meet in Heaven. Hello,
(00:26):
podcast listeners. My name is Ron Burgundy, and I'm an
exceptional man. About a year ago, another wonderful man named
Mitch Palbon came out with a very popular book called
The Five People You Meet in Heaven, And although I
didn't read the book, it was a big time bestseller.
I prefer saucier stuff when I read. I like historical
(00:47):
novels about lords and ladies and body wenches and sword
play I do. I like sword play in my fiction,
and I like comely lasses too. I also like thought
provoking literature about the Roman Times. I'm a bit of
a scholar when it comes to the Roman Times. Did
you know that they didn't refer to the Roman Times
as the Roman Times? In the Roman Times? They didn't.
(01:12):
They called them the now Times, just like we do now.
Isn't that funny. Oh yes, yes, Carolina is here as always.
She's my partner in crime for these entertaining talkie talks
we do called podcast. Hello there, old friend. Were you
going to tell people what to show is all about? Nonsense?
It's about nonsense like it is every week. I'm going
(01:32):
to talk and talk and talk until it's all over,
and then I'm going to walk to my car, take
a nap in my car, and then drive to a
supermarket and get a bottle of scotch. From there, I'll
head home so I can lounge on my balcony and
the nude drinking Scotch until I pass out. At some
point I will eat a steak. You told me there
was a theme to today's show, though I did, Oh
(01:54):
so I did. It was the book by Mitch Gablon
called People You've Got to Meet in Heaven. Well, guess what, Carolina.
We are going to beat this Ganton guy and we're
going to talk about not five, but ten people I
would like to meet in heaven. That's twice what that
guy talked about. So today's episode is going to be
(02:17):
about the ten people we would like to meet in heaven.
That's right, And I think everyone has a shortlist of
people throughout history that they would like to meet when
they finally get to Heaven. I mean, don't you, Carolina,
I don't know. I don't mean you probably could make
I mean, let's be clear, Heaven's not just going to
be about meeting people. There will be tennis courts and
(02:37):
poolside bars with all you can eat, buffets with tacos
and make your own ice cream Sundays. There will be
movie nights and meet and greet socials and Katie Hawkins
dances and let's not forget world class Sadie Hawkins dance.
You mean, yeah, Sadie or Katie, depends on what part
of the country you're from. Also, let's not forget in
(02:58):
Heaven there's gonna be world class entertainment along with seven
gaming rooms and the beds. Don't get me started on
the beds. The thread count on the sheets in Heaven
will be simply the best. I'm guessing Egyptian cotton, maybe Macy's,
or maybe they get a discounted bed bath. And beyond it,
I don't I don't know what I'm saying. Maybe the
(03:20):
angels make the sheets and Heaven. You know what, Carolina,
you just don't know. You don't that's what That's what
I know. You just don't know. You don't know much
about heaven except that it will be pure luxury. Oh Carolina,
You and I would love to have in my bathroom
up in heaven one of those shower nozzles that hits
(03:42):
you like thirty five different ways, right in the butt
hole and the donker. I've always wanted one of those.
How about you? What kind of shower would you like
in Heaven? Um, I don't know. I've never really thought
about it. I mean, I guess I would like it
to work when I turn it on, and and I
guess it would be great if the hot water didn't
cut out all of a sudden. Come on, Carolina, dream
(04:04):
a little. It's heaven we're talking about. I mean, I
like good water pressure, But what about thirty five jets
of high power water hitting your boobies in your butt? Um? Sure,
I guess I would like that. Now we're talking huh man,
I can hardly wait to get their TV in the bathroom.
Should we get on with the theme of today's show?
(04:25):
You bet. Here's the theme song I wrote for today's show.
Even though we always have our normal theme songs that
we play at the beginning of the podcast. But it
goes like this, there are ten people I would like
to meet when I get to the early gates. I'm
going to list them on my show. And one is
not Phoebe Kates. Phoebe Cats is not dead, so she
(04:49):
wouldn't be in heaven in any way. She's a wonderful person,
a wonderful, blonderful person. Ten people I would like to
meet in heaven. Oh that grab you Huh? You just
made that up. I've been working on that theme song
for a week. Nope, Carolina, you are a quick little
(05:10):
smarty bands. I did indeed make that up. Well, let's
get on with today's show. The first person I would
like to meet in heaven is Dougie Stupor knot. Who
is Douggy stupor Not? Interesting story. I was in junior high,
so we are going back sometime. And I had a
(05:31):
baseball glove. And and this was not just any baseball glove,
you know what I mean? Baseball glove did I ever?
I slept with it, I brought it to dances. I
went everywhere with that baseball glove. I didn't take that
darn thing off my hand for a whole year, and
then one day my baseball glove goes missing and I panic.
(05:54):
I mean, I tried to burn down the school. I
called the FBI, no joke. I got a drug sniffing
dog and tried to teach it to smell leather. It
found horse saddles and wallets and car seats, but the
stupid dog never found my glove. Then one day I
got a hot tip. Some people said that they saw
Dougie stuborn Not with my glove in the park. Now
(06:15):
stupor Ko had the locker right next to mine, so
it made perfect sense. I went to his house and
I confronted him, and you know what he did, He
lied right to my face. So long story short, when
I get to Heaven, I'm gonna find doug you stuber Not,
and I'm gonna punch him in the nose and get
my glove back. The first person you meet in heaven
(06:37):
a guy named Dougie Stuborn. Not You're going to punch
in the nose. Okay, who else would you like to
meet in heaven? Michael Jackson? Oh okay, that's interesting. Why
does that surprise you? We we were friends once. I
didn't know anything about any of that other junk that
was going on. I was. I was more friends with Tito,
but Michael and I had a love of animals. We shared.
(06:58):
He had his monkeys and I had Baxter. Anyway, most
people know that for a short while I had the
world's largest collection of domesticated big horn sheep. Can you
domesticate a big horn sheep? Not really, but I had
two of them in my backyard and they were about
as domesticated as you could get. That was the world's
largest collection, world's largest, or maybe they were they were
(07:21):
just sick, who knows. I had the Jackson's over for
dinner one night. Michael was just a boy, maybe fourteen. Anyway,
I could tell he liked the big horns, and well,
it was a wonderful night. We played twister and sang
songs and and then they left. And then I noticed
that one of my big horns was gone. Yeah, the
one I called lazy butt, on account that he never
(07:42):
moved or did anything and just sat around and looked
tired and sad. And I found out years later Michael
Jackson has a whole zoo at his house. So the
proof is in the pudding. I know that that guy
stole one of my big horns. Anyway, when I get
to Heaven, I'm gonna find Michael Jackson and punch him
in the news and find out what happened to my
bighorn sheep. So are there people you would want to
(08:04):
meet in Heaven that you wouldn't punch the nose? Sure?
What about Yoda? Yoda from Star Wars? Yep, he's not
real in heaven, he's real. I'd really like to sit
down with Yoda. Not because he's a green blob of
a guy, or because he talks backwards, or because he's
a smart guy, or because he can float in the air.
(08:25):
I would like to talk to Yoda because he's like
eight hundred years old. How fun would that be? Right?
You could ask a guy like that almost anything. What
was it like to roll a hoop down the street
for fun? What? What what's it like to kill a witch?
Who was the baddest mofo during the Civil War? How
tall was Alexander Hamilton's And believe me, he would be
(08:47):
happy to tell you. That guy can talk up a stormy.
He takes his time, but he can sure talk. Did
you ever see the movie Star Wars. Did I see
Star Wars? Yes, it's it's a movie that takes place
in outer space with laser shooters. Huh did you see Yeah,
everyone saw Star Wars. Yes, I saw it. Then you
know about Yoda. He doesn't really show up until the
(09:10):
Second Star Wars. You know. You may know it as
the fifth Star Wars, but in my day it was
called the second Star Wars. Actually, Ronald Reagan started Star Wars,
but George Lucas gave it the pizzas. So you would
like to meet Yoda in heaven and ask him about
notable moments from American history. Notice I said Yoda, not
baby Yoda. Baby Yoda is ridiculous and stupid. I had
(09:34):
no intention of ever talking to that guy. I don't
see what the big deal is. He's not cute, he
doesn't talk, he's not even a good actor, but the
real grown up Yoda. But he's a cool customer in heaven,
and there's there's probably a line out the back of
Heaven to talk to him or get him to sign stuff.
And I wouldn't wait in a line. But eventually I
get my chance to talk to Yoda. I'm not one
(09:55):
of those crazy Star wars. People you see down in
my neck of the woods around comic con, you know
the type. They get all dressed up and play with
fake lightsabers. Carolina, you ever you ever heard of comic con?
Once again, everyone has heard of comic con. Don't sense me.
It's a very big deal down in my neck of
the woods. It happens every year, and let me tell
(10:16):
you it is a magical extravagance. Of the streets are
filled with the colors of the rainbow, and there's like
sixteen Spider Man's and thirty Wonder Woman's and usually a
Count Dracula. And you're like, guy, is that the best
you can do? Count Dracula? But it's a it's a
ton of fun. I usually open up a little butter
brickle stand to make a few extra shekels the week
comic Con comes to town, don't It's called ron Burgundies
(10:39):
Bodacious butter brickle, and it's usually the hit a comic con.
Google it you'll see it's called ron burgundiese bodacious butter Brickle.
That's goody, you know, Carolina. Before we continue, I let's
take an ad break. We'll take a little pause here,
and when we come back, we will talk a little
bit more on people I would love to meet in heaven.
(11:12):
And we're back at the Ron Burgundy Podcast. We're listening
to Ron list his ten people he would like to
meet in heaven. Yes, he's a controversial one. I'd like
to meet John F. Kennedy when I get to heaven. No. Yeah,
he would be interesting, probably very smart. The main reason
I'd like to meet JFK. As he is sometimes known,
(11:33):
is because he might be able to confirm my deepest
suspicion about who really killed him. H Lee Harvey Oswald
killed Kennedy. Ah, oh, Carolina, you said, unquestioning, naive young woman.
(12:02):
I wouldn't expect you to understand. But the world isn't
always wrapped up in the neat little pink bow that
you wanted to be. No, there are a lot of
theories about who killed Kennedy. Did the Russians do it?
What about the mob? Some people think Lyndon B. Johnson
paid Oswald to do it. Hoover was in love with Oswald.
(12:22):
That was a known fact, so maybe he did it.
There are those not many who think Christopher Walkin did it.
Even aliens come into play, But I've I've had my
own theory for quite some time. And if I get
a chance to ask j f K, I bet he
would tell me. I'm right. Who do you think killed Kennedy? Well,
simple math. Everyone knew the thirty fifth president was sleeping
(12:45):
with Marilyn Monroe, that voluptuous, blonde bombshell and Hollywood vixen.
And what red blooded American male would not sleep with
Marilyn Monroe if given the chance? Huh? Wh wouldn't sleep
with Marilyn Monroe? Can you think of anyone? Would you
would sleep with her? Right? I mean, yeah, I guess
(13:07):
I would. You wouldn't kick her out of bed for
eating crackers? No, I wouldn't Marilyn Monroe? Classic, I mean,
I dig up her grave and take her for a
ride today if I thought the worms hadn't already eaten
her up. Oh my god? Uh uh you know what? No,
(13:27):
I yeah, I shouldn't have said that. Don't work, you
know what? I will edit that out later. No, No,
I got it. Anyway, all of Washington, New JFK, and
Maryland were sneaking off to engage in sexual activity, and
this did not sit well with someone in particular. And
this someone hatched a plan. While the motorcaid steered its
way through the hot streets of Dallas that unforgettable day,
(13:50):
Jacqueline Lee Kennedy reached into her purse and pulled out
a tiny pistol that blew open our president's head. So
do you think Jackie Kennedy killed jfk Hell no fury
like a woman scorned. It's a theory. I dabbled in criminology,
A parlor game, really, but it's a lot of fun.
So if I saw him in heaven, I would ask him, Hey,
did your wife shoot you in the head. I can
(14:11):
see it now, the slow smile and the chuckle and
finally the admission. You'd probably shake my hand as the
first person to solve the case. Anyway, who else? I mean,
you can meet anyone. What about like Gandhi or Napoleon
or Lincoln. I've got one Jerry Lewis. That guy always
made me laugh with his antics, The King of slapstick.
(14:36):
Jerry Lewis. What a performer. That's a guy I would
want to meet. Then I'd go for jazz musician Miles Davis.
That's pretty cool, ye, Well, for those of you who
don't know, I play a pretty solid jazz flute. In fact,
I'd say I can sit in with the best of them. Anyway,
Miles and I go way back. I was once covering
(14:57):
a news story in a little town outside of Denver
called Mullenston. Look it up, It's on Google. And after
a after a long day's work, I pulled into a
roadside bar to have a scotch and check out the
local color. Up on the bandstand was none other than
Miles Davis. This was in his Coltrane period, so it
was him and John Coltrane. Anyway. The crowd was comprised
(15:21):
of mainly cowboys and hicks, and it it struck me
as odd that Miles would have gotten the gig in
this out of the way joint. But I was digging
the sound and enjoying the scotch when all of a
sudden there was a roar of thunder and the doors
burst open. It was a biker gang, but not just
any biker gang, but the most fearsome of them all,
the Crimson Dragons. I thought the Hell's Angels were like
(15:43):
the most notorious biker gang. Okay, but you know what,
this is my story, Caroline. If you want to make
up a biker gang name for your stories, then you
can do that. But but this is my story. So
the Crimson Dragons it is. It just doesn't even sound tough.
It sounds like a girls soccer team. These were tough
guy eyes. It must have been fifty of them, leather jackets, beards,
(16:03):
blue jeans, the whole nine yards. And they didn't like jazz.
The leader of the group a big scary guy named
Mustache Bill. Yell out, get them musicians off the stage.
Mustache the leader of the Crimson Dragons. Yes, he was
six ft ten weighed three hundred pounds. To kill him
with a gun would take fifteen rounds. He ate like
(16:25):
a bear, and he smelled like one too. Every time
he pooped it was a mountain of pooh. In one
hand he held across from his wife. In the other
hand he carried a big bowie knife. The cross was
for prayer and the knife for to kill. And that's
why they called him Mustache Bill. You wrote a poem.
(16:47):
I'm not sure what you're talking about anyway, This mean
old Mustache Bill says, get them musicians off the stage.
And I could see that Miles and Train were scared
to death. The old gang started running for the band,
knocking over chairs and tossing people around. Well that's when
I remember that I had my flute with me, and
(17:07):
as they are running to beat up the guys in
the band, I yell out, anyone who doesn't like jazz
is a square. And I know it sounds like a
pretty soft insult these days, but back then, whoa boy?
You call someone a square? And it was like calling
them a mother today anyway, the guy comes to a
(17:28):
dead halt and turns to look at me. The bar
is as quiet as a whorehouse on a Sunday morning.
Mustache Bill starts to walk towards me, holding the big
booie knife that there wasn't a poem. He starts to
walk towards me, and that's when I bring the flute
to my mouth and blow. At first something soft and juicy,
(17:50):
But then my mojo gets going and I get real soulful,
and some of the guys in the motorcycle gang start
getting into the groove, as they say, and I get
deeper into a day own home jazz funk kind of thing.
The rhythm section starts to join in, and I can
see now I have the whole gang in the palm
of my hand. Then Miles and Coltrane start playing with me.
(18:11):
Each new riff has them cheering and shouting. They hardly
let us finish. I want more jazz, shouted Mustache Bill.
We played on into the morning. Miles Davis thank me
for saving the band, and off I went into the
early morning air of the Rocky Mountains, satisfied that jazz
flute had saved another life. So yeah, I'd like to
(18:31):
see my old friend Miles Davis when I get to heaven.
We could have a good laugh over Mustache Bill and
the Crimson Dragons. I'm sorry, I can't help it. Mustache
Bill and the Crimson Dragon sounds like a children's book.
You know who else I'd like to meet in heaven? Cleopatra.
Oh that's a good choice, don't I know it. Cleopatra
was probably the foxiest woman of all time. She had
(18:53):
a way about her, that's for sure. I like the
way she did her stuff all right, man, that was
all woman, packed of that Egyptian frame. Hot cha cha.
Where there's smoke, there's fire. You know what I'm talking about?
Sea Balls? My name isn't Sea Balls? What happened to you?
So you want to meet Cleopatra because she was beautiful?
Is that it? Little background? Sea balls. I am an
(19:16):
amateur historian. Almost everyone knows that I've actually won awards
with my history stuff. AnyWho not to brag, but ancient
Roman times is kind of my thing. In short, I've
done the research. Cleopatra, as she was known, was the
ruler of Egypt, and this Egypt was not the show
it is today, no, sir. This is what they call
(19:36):
the Golden period of Egypt, when all of Egypt looked
like palm springs. The women looked like the MGM backlot
in the forties, and the men looked like guys working
out in muscle beach. Most of the men walked around
in long beach towels they called togas, and the women
mainly wore one piece bathing suits and four inch heels.
It was a glorious time. There was much playing around
(19:58):
in the sun, games like volley all played with human heads.
The research shows, and other sports that were specific to
the time, like the game ner athene, which I don't
have the time to explain, but it was something like
the game lacrosse with shovels and rocks and was very popular.
According to my research, into this world of blissful pleasure
(20:19):
comes Cleopatra, Cha, Mama Louis. She looked like Estra Williams
climbing out of a pool. Sorry. She looked like Dorothy
Lamore walking out of the jungle, Dorothy Veronica Lake, swishing
and swaying her way onto the scene. I don't know
her either. Sorry, Okay, I'll make it easy, said Charis
in American in Paris. I wooka nothing. Sorry, Janet Lee, No,
(20:44):
I don't know Gene Harlow nothing. I can't. Let's see
think ron more modern. Here's one Tina Louise moving on.
I don't know her. Okay, what if I threw Angie
Dickinson your way? Three fast ones, Anita Eckbert, Jane Manson,
Adrian Barbara. Come on, she's contemporary, got it? Wrap your
(21:04):
millennial mind around this bow, Derek, Now, you're just making
up names. I give up. Let's reframe this. Who was
the most beautiful woman today? I don't know. I think
we have different ideas of beauty. I mean I find
Ruth pader Ginsburg to be beautiful. Boy. Okay, forget the analogy.
Into this land of pleasure and decadence walks the lovely Cleopatra,
(21:28):
looking like Barbara Eden from I Dream of Genie. I
don't know who that is anyway. This beautiful woman, who
apparently looks like no one that Carolina can recognize, even
though I gave her fifty prominent examples that any Tom
Dicker Harry could name, comes over to Julius Caesar's house
(21:50):
in Rome just the biggest, baddest ruler of all time,
seduces him, has some children, and then heads home on
a party boat. Cut to a few years later. Now
there's an new guy in room named Mark Anthony who
looked like Victor Mature without his shirt on. Who's that?
Just some guy? Forget I said it. He goes to
visit Cleopatra up the Nile, and guess what, he seduces him.
(22:11):
They have a couple of kids. So now you see,
you see why I want to meet up with her.
I don't know. It's simple. Do I Ron Burgundy have
the power to resist the greatest temptress in the history
of mankind? Probably not, but I just gotta find out.
It's ah, it's time for another ad break. We'll be
(22:32):
right back. You're just not gonna believe who rounds out
my list on the people I would love to meet
in Heaven more after this. Alright, we're back to the
(22:53):
Ron Burgundy Podcast. Thank you for your listenership. And uh, Carolina,
I think you're really been enjoying my list of the
people I'd like to meet in Heaven. I can tell
by the smile on your face. I mean, it's just
another day at work. I'm I'm just doing my job. Good. Great,
it's great. It's great to have a job, isn't it, Carolina? Yes? Yes,
(23:16):
Oh my god? So where were we? Oh? Yeah, I'd
like to sit down and meet Lassie, last the dog.
That's right, Lastie, the Collie dog. Of all the great
animals that have passed away and gone to heaven, I
think Lastie would be the most interesting to meet. Sure,
Flipper the dolphin or Babe the pig come to mind,
But if I see them in a coffee shop up there,
I will no doubt say hello. But Lassie is the
lady I want to talk to you. Do you think
(23:38):
you'll be able to communicate with animals in heaven? Why not?
I mean I talked to you know, my dog Baxter
every day, and he talks back to me quite often
in a very dismissive tone. Baxter is a cantankerous little
rascal sometimes who can dish it out just as much
as he can take it. He could be a real Now, Lastie,
that's a classy lady. She's she saved lives, stopped criminals,
(24:01):
started her own TV show, What a guest she would
be on the Ron Burgundy Podcast in Heaven. You do
know that over the years there were probably multiple last
Sees that played the part of Lassie, like they all
had different names and different trainers. Probably you can be
a real pill sometimes. Well, next William Shakespeare, the writer,
(24:22):
is there another William Shakespeare? Well, I don't know if
if you knew that William Shakespeare was a writer. No,
most people know that. Well you never heard of Dorothy Lamore,
so I figured maybe there was a gas leak or something,
or you couldn't remember stuff. I know who William Shakespeare
is good. He's one of the ten people that I'd
like to meet in Heaven. That's the theme of today's show.
(24:42):
As as you know, I'm also a writer, mainly letters
to food companies and airlines, but I also have written
eight unpublished novels and two books of poetry, a self
help book, a total fitness book, a book about ghosts,
and I'm working on a history of all mankind. So
as a writer, I think it would be very interesting
to get into the mind of this guy Shakespeare, writer
(25:05):
to writer. How does he work, what's his process? And
when starting a novel does he like to work off
an outline? That kind of stuff? He wrote plays in poetry,
didn't he didn't write any novels. Okay, miss college graduate,
I'm sure he wrote some novels. They probably just weren't
published at the time. Hamlet was a novel. The Hamlet
(25:25):
is a play. I'll be checking that on Google later.
People throw facts around these days like they know stuff,
but you can't escape the Google anyway. My point is,
if I could sit down with this guy Shakespeare, I
could really figure out what makes him tick and not
to toot my own horn, but I can imagine he
would want to know my process as well. For instance,
I talked into a tape recorder when I feel a
(25:47):
novel coming on, I can talk out a whole novel
on a regular Sunday drive. Then I have someone type
it up and viola, I'm done. One complete novel. But
I bet Shakespeare wishes he could have done that. Huh
do you think? I don't know? Well, anyway, Shakespeare and
I probably have a ton of common, so I bet
we could be pals in heaven. That's eight people, and
(26:09):
you have two more. Here's someone I would love to meeting.
And I don't care, Lota, you're a big fan of two?
Mr Evil Knevil? Yes, what is the interest there? Well?
I mean, that guy just played by his own rules.
You know, he just said, Hey, you don't think I
can jump twenty one British double decker busses at Wimbley Stadium.
(26:37):
Let me show you which, by the way, he clipped
the last bus and wiped out horribly. But my point
is the pageantry, the flare, the capes, just the moxie. Yeah,
he sounded like from what I've read about him, that
he really struggle with alcoholism and openly cheated on his wife.
(26:59):
And you know a lot of the stunts he pulled.
He knew he would get an audience just because he
would fail and injure himself. Then wouldn't that be fascinating
to talk to him face to face? Um? Yeah, okay, okay,
And what I love too. Is that he that was
his birth name and he turned it into a positive.
Someone named him Evil Knevil. Clarence and Marcia kne Evil
(27:22):
named their son Evil, and he said, I'm gonna turn
this into a positive and make some sense out of
this name. So crazy, Clarence and Marcia just couldn't help themselves.
I bet you he had few regrets. I actually think
he may have had many, and that's something you could
talk to about. Yeah, I just feel like I'm gonna
(27:45):
want to meet different people, and so you can meet him,
and I will talk to Winston Churchill. I just I
feel like we might be in different crowds. Okay, but
don't call me on my heaven cell phone when you're
hearing you know how great my dinner parties are going
(28:05):
compared to yours. Okay, I won't. I will call you
on your heaven cell phone when I want to talk,
but we'll have separate parties. Fine. Fine, And I have
a feeling you're going to regret that statement. I hope,
I hope. I don't. In fact, I don't know if
(28:28):
I want you at some of my parties in heaven.
So I'm already not invited but what if I'm in
the neighborhood. What if I make a wrong turn and
I end up in your cul de sect? Just respect
that I might want privacy. You know, Heaven's golf course living.
It's a resort style living, right, My heaven might be different,
(28:49):
but sure, we don't have a choice. Okay, I just
find it sad that my heaven I'll be living on
a golf course. Most theologians concur that a rough guideline
of what heaven is going to look like. Now, I've
never been to this place myself personally. I've seen photos
(29:10):
and it looks marvelous, but a rough template of what
heaven is going to look like mar lago. I I
truly think that might be how coral colored Italian villas, stucco,
beautiful sculptures, fountains, marble for days, and golf, a lot
(29:36):
of green pillars, a lot of faux antiquities. And that's
that's what is in store. I just feel like heavens
a little bit more like a Raphallian painting. You know,
maybe um, some nymphs, maybe some centaurs who are kept
in a zoo. No, you go, you can go visit
(29:57):
the nymphs. And the centers at the zoo, the Heaven Zoo.
I don't one zoos. In Heaven. Everyone gets their own
golf cart. Did you know that? No? I didn't. They
do absolutely. Can you remember the joy and the thrill
of the first time you got to drive in a
golf cart as a little kid? Pretty fun? Yeah, So
(30:20):
you're gonna have your own personalized golf cart. You don't
have to recharge it. It's Heaven. It's an endless power
supply and you're just gonna cruise around and you know,
have breakfast at ten in the morning, leisurely breakfast, play
a few rounds of golf, grab a grab a soak,
a sauna or a hot tub, lunch, cocktails at three,
(30:47):
fish dinner at six in bed by eight forever, fish
dinner at six, or you can order the tenderline. So
that's that's roughly what it's going to be like. I
just wish there are more options. I guess, well, it's
tough when you're only option is high level luxury. So
(31:12):
I mean, is there any how do you go up
from there? Oh? I feel like after infinity, tenderloins or fish,
I would start to hate Heaven. But do you like
infinity pools, because there will be one infinity pool in
the center of the property that no joke goes on
(31:35):
for infinity. Oh, that's an existential crisis. In fact, you
have to be careful because you don't figure out where
the entrance point of the pool is. You'll just you'll
go forever. Yeah, you may start back up again, may
start exactly. Um, but that's a brief that's a brief
sketch of what the cozy confines of heaven. Eleven o'clock
(31:58):
cur for you. By the way, what do the guys
wear there? Golf attire? Slacks, um golf shirts. You can
wear shorts, but you gotta make sure you tuck your
shirt in. I don't look good in that outfit. By
the way, women preferably skirts. You can wear pants with pleats,
you have to be pleaded, but comfortable golf attire. Yeah,
(32:22):
it's gonna be hard. So it's good. It sounds great.
I feel like I might be single in heaven. And
speaking of heaven, will round up our list the number
one person I'd like to meet, Yes, drum roll please,
Jesus Christ. Not not a I know that's day one stuff.
(32:44):
But you don't go to the Louver Museum without seeing
the Mona Lisa. You don't go to New York without
climbing to the top of the christ they're building, and
you don't go to Heaven without seeing the man. Just
be interesting to sit down with that cat. Would you
ask for a picture, of course? Yeah, well there's going
once again, there's going to be a photographer throughout There
(33:07):
always be an on set photographer that haven't just and
he'll be like, can I get you two together? Please
put your drinks down. They never want you know, they
don't want you to be photographed with a cocktailer man.
So yeah, I'll probably I'd probably get a photograph upfront.
It's like an expensive armitsvah, yeah, that's where the production
value and uh, and then I would just let's see,
(33:30):
I'd I'd say, uh, I'd say why did you do it?
Why did you and your dad come up with the
whole shebang? That's what I'd ask him. Until then, That's
that's what we ask ourselves every day. Why the whole shebang?
Why the reason for any of it? What the hell
is all the nonsense about? I suspect we would have
to say something like we're here to love one another.
(33:52):
It's a shame, really that most of us wait until
we get to heaven to realize it. But what a
beautiful shame right in the meantime, Let's keep on deluding ourselves.
If we we can't love everyone, let's try and stay glassy, folks.
My name is Bron Burgundy. Good Night, Boston, Boston. The
(34:17):
Ron Burgundy Podcast is a production of I Heart Radio.
Ii'm Ron Burgundy. The host, writer and executive producer Carolina
Barlow is my co host, writer and producer. Our producer
is Nick Stump. Our talent coordinator is Anna Hosnier. Writers
are Andrew Steele and Jake Fobois. This episode was engineered, mixed,
(34:39):
and edited by Nick Stuff. Until next time, this is
Ron Burgundy.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Nikki Glaser Podcast
Every week comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced, and brutally honest look into current pop-culture and her own personal life.