June 3, 2021 • 36 mins
Welcome to Season 4 of The Ron Burgundy Podcast! Ron self-administers the VIP Celebrity Vaccine on air.
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Wrong Burgundy Podcast. It's welcome back the Ron Burgundy Podcast.
I'm Ron Burgundy with me as always is Carolina. Great
to be back with you, Ron, Thank you, Thank you, Carolina. Yeah,
I know it. It is great to be back with me.
(00:20):
Not just for you personally, Carolina, but I think everyone
feels it's great to be back with me. Being without
me this long it had to be tough on everyone,
especially right now. So I see we're starting this season
at your standard level of narcissism. But it is always
(00:40):
a pleasure, Ron, I don't even care. I'm just so
happy to be back. I don't what did you say that?
What's that word? I don't know what that word means?
Always a pleasure. No, the word you just said, narc
narc is, narcissis him? What what is that, Carolina? If
if you're someone implying that I'm a narc I am
not a narc um. No, no, no, it has nothing
(01:04):
to do with being a narc. I said narcissism, and
I would silent see never tip off the police if
I knew about some creeps running an illegal chop shop,
or inform the FBI about a group of interstate crystal
meth dealers, never specific never. In fact, let's not discuss
either of those things anymore in detail, because my friends
(01:26):
are clean. No one is a whistle. No one's asking
you to discuss your friends or whatever is going on
with the interstate meth dealings of them. That's fine. The
point is, I'm not an arc, if that's what you're
implying with that fancy word you use. Know, No, I
wasn't implying that you're. Of course you're not an arc, regardless.
I'm insulted at the implication. Didn't imply that Ron Burgundy
(01:49):
is no snitch. You feel me? Do you feel me?
I feel you. I'm not a narc, Carolina. I will
cut you if I need to. Okay, straight up logo.
Know you're not loco. You're not straight up loco. You're
not going to cut me. The word narcissism has nothing
to do with being a narc. Okay, all right, as
(02:09):
long as we are clear, that's all I ask for. Clarity, right, yeah, transparency, clarity, good, Okay,
not a narc. I'm just so you know too. I'm
not even a tattle tale, which some could argue is
even worse. I don't you're not a tattle I know,
and I don't. I don't know how we got here already,
but if we could get to our topic today, that
(02:31):
would be amazing. Yes, you told me you had some
interesting updates on where we're at with the vaccines. Obviously
a lot of the country has been vaccinated, thankfully, So um,
what's your angle? What have you learned? Well, um, go
back to I'm not a tattle tale, but I loved
the game show tattle Tales, so we can move to
(02:56):
the topic though. Yes, um, yes, the topic of the vaccine. Okay,
I would love to jump to this. I would love
to get some real news and and stop being accused
of sharing information about possible crimes I have witnessed in
order to help myself in personal law enforcement situations. So
let's just put it to bed once and for all.
(03:17):
Ron Burgundy is neither a narc nor a tattle tale
if you're helping yourself in perfect though, once again, I
love the game show Tattle Tales. You've made that quite clear.
If you're helping someone for your personal gain, it actually
does sound exactly what a narc is. But you know what,
We're gonna let that run by. And if you could
(03:39):
share with us your experience about the pandemic or the vaccine.
I think that would be helpful and interesting to our
listeners to hear what Ron Burgundy has to say. Couldn't
agree more, Carolina, folks. I think right now people are
looking for straight facts, real information. Things are changing by
the day, and one thing I'm very proud of is
(04:01):
that I am. I am a trusted source for so
many people out there, not as a journalist, but as
a human being. People think of me as a comforting, compassionate,
welcoming presence in their homes. Even in bad times. I
make people feel better. I bring a sense of calm
during these difficult times. I'm like a golden Retriever puppy
(04:22):
wrapped in a bow, or like a little snow man,
or like a nice shot of rum right when the
kids go to sleep and you're off the wagon again. Anyway,
to our listeners, I know Ron and I sometimes have
our differences on the air. That's only when you're being
an idiot, which I say with all due respect, and
(04:43):
otherwise we get along swimmingly. It doesn't feel with all
with all due respect. You can't just say with all
due respects, and I feel respected, but I mean it
is with all due respect. Well, Listen was a really
tough year on all of us, and I'm sure our
odd is always glad to hear your voice again in
this new season. That I don't think you're wrong about
(05:04):
that is that's a real unpartisan view right there. People
are people are very happy to hear me right now.
I don't know whether it's the timber of my voice,
my measured tone, or my musky personal scent, but I've
never felt more loved and appreciated as a broadcaster than
right now. I guess that's important. In fact, some people
(05:25):
have told me they've been listening to this podcast, heard
my voice, and all of a sudden, they feel like
they can actually smell me in the room. My voice
must send out some kind of fair mind. I need
to interrupt. That was from a very strange fan letter
we received about a fan being it will smell you
in the room, and you know what, we actually we
(05:45):
forwarded that to the proper authorities. Why did you do that?
I was really creepy, but I was touched by their correspondence.
I I sent them an expensive gift basket of candied almonds.
Let's get back to talking about the pandemic. Yes, the
PAM demmic, the changing political landscape. No, Pan, did you're
(06:07):
saying PAM PAM pandemic, not the PAN Yes, yes, the
PAM DEMI. Carolina, surely you're aware of the PAM demic.
So many people throughout the world are fighting this PAM DEMI.
I've read some recent Pan Pan. Not PAM PAM demic, pandemic.
I'm not talking about the COVID pandemic yet. I was
(06:30):
speaking on the PAM demic. Wait, did you think I
was talking about the coronavirus. Well, yes, that's what we
were talking about. The COVID pandemic. COVID nineteen is a pandemic,
and I have some optimistic news to share about the
pandemic later on on the show. First, though, on today's show,
(06:51):
I wanted to talk about the dangerous PAM demmic. I'm
I think everyone is confused right now. So do you
have updates on your experience with COVID and the vaccine
or not? I do major updates, huge scientific advances. In fact,
I have the vaccine ron that's great. I actually I
(07:13):
was worried that you weren't going to take the vaccine
I mean, there's some anti boxers out there, and guess
what I will be taking it live on today's episode
of the podcast. That is actually great, But let's not
waste any more time about Pam or Pan. This is
going to set a great example for people who may
still be a little nervous to take it. Great. No,
(07:36):
I agree, let's let's get right to it. But first,
some info on the Pam demons I was speaking about,
because you're apparently not even aware it's going on. Honestly,
not a surprise because with all due respect and mentally,
as I say that, I'm underlining the word due before respect.
(07:58):
You are a terrible journalists. You can't underline something in
your head and then acts, so I think it serves
the same purpose if you announce that, just so you
know before I say this, it's underlined in my head. Okay,
well I'm italicizing in my head. That works. That works fine,
that works for me. No, thank you. It's not capitalized
(08:21):
with all due respect when you call me a terrible journalist,
so all of that is italicized phrase and it's not
is italicized. To listen, I think I'm so lost right now.
It doesn't matter run. I think I speak for everyone
when I say we don't know what a Pam p
(08:43):
Am demicist. Yes, p Am, thank you, I am capitalized.
Nobody knows what that means. See, this is what I
meant when I said we struggle professionally. No, no no, I
know we struggle professionally. I feel it every moment of
every hour of every day, atalicized underlying Okay, yes, well, okay,
(09:04):
quickly tell me what the Pam demmick is and then
we'll move on to encouraging people to get vaccinated who
are scared. I don't know if it's your generation. I
I don't know if it's that TikTok app distracting you.
But wow, I just I find it very hard to
believe you don't know about the awful Pam demmic going
(09:25):
on at the same time as COVID nineteen, which, by
the way, I've got vials of the vaccine sitting here.
But we'll get to that now. The Pam dimmick, on
the other hand, that's the news. That's the real. Okay,
how about this as an option, we talk about the
COVID nineteen vaccine first. A lot of people, you know,
it's it's amazing scientific breakthrough that we even got this,
(09:47):
and I think we just want to encourage it again.
And then and then after we finish, you can talk
about your PAM VERSU PAN whatever you want. Here's the
second option. We go to commercial break. Okay, make some coin,
a little little cashi or cheddar as they say, and
then come back and talk about both the pandemic and
(10:11):
the pan dimics. So the opposite of what I'm saying.
That sound good. I am the host of the show.
You feel me, I feel you, I feel you. You
feel me that I don't know the whole I feel
you think? Did you just learn that? I learned it yesterday? Okay?
Promise me, by the way, when I say you feel me,
I mentally underlined feel, so you feel me. And when
(10:34):
I say stop asking me that I did an explanation point.
All right, good, Okay, Well, let's just promise people should
talk more like this with each other. It's a little confusing,
but I guess we're just trying, as you said to
you operate with clarity. Your favorite things supposedly listen, just
promised me when we get back, you're going to get
(10:54):
right to the vaccine, because I think people really want
as much information as they can right now, people who
were nervous. Yes, absolutely absolutely. When we come back, we
will discuss the pam dem No welcome back. If you're
(11:19):
just tuning in, it's the podcast, not a radio show.
No one's I've finally gotten that concept. Really, it seems
like we always up against this. I'm just maybe maybe
they decided to fast forward and start in the middle
of the podcast. That's what I'm maybe maybe. Okay, it's
within the realm of possibility. So you were saying you
actually have the COVID vaccine and you're preparing to take
(11:42):
it live right here on the podcast. How safe it is? Now?
Is it maderna Fiser, the Johnson and Johnson. Well, Um,
it's actually the v I P One. Not a lot
of people have heard of this brand. It's I haven't.
It's made in a secret laboratory in the Marshall Islands,
(12:03):
which is a US protectorate. Um. And uh, it's a
very v I P service. Um, and it comes with
also v I P bottle service. I have a choice
of a bottle of champagne vodka. You have to pay extra,
but it's worth it. But what I'm trying to say
is I realize I am very fortunate to have this
V I P vaccine and not everyone has access to it,
(12:25):
which is really a shame. It's not fair. But I
have it because I'm a celebrity, and I'm I'm going
to take it live right here, showing how safe and
effective it is, how safe and effective the secret vaccine
from the martialized secret vaccine, which is a hybrid of
all the other vaccines, so therefore it is symbolic of
(12:45):
how safe the vaccination processes as a whole. I'm not
loving this build up, but let's just get to um
you taking in we can before we discuss the pandemic.
Let's discuss the pam demmic, folks. I don't know how
to report this in a way that doesn't sound a
little strange, but I assure you everything I'm about to
(13:08):
tell you is very real, underlined very mentally, and you
deserve the truth. There are women named Pam all over
the world who are disappearing, just vanishing into thin air.
It's a scientific mystery. We are experiencing a true pam medemic.
I'm going to treat this like it's normal and just
(13:29):
say that I don't have any reports of missing PAMs. Well,
that doesn't surprise me at all. I mean, you're probably
too busy binging reruns of Friends or Sanford and Son
in your pajamas to open up a damn newspaper. I'm
not binging episodes of Sandford and Son. I don't believe me.
I have been staying informed every day. I watched the
news every morning, and and it's overwhelming. I'm I'm filled
(13:53):
with anxiety, but not anxiety over missing palms or pamelas.
There's no reports of women named Pam going missing. Wait,
but you've seen Sanford and Sun, right, because that's a
very good show. Yes, I've seen Sandford and Son. Do
you do you want to sing the theme to Sanford
and Sun with me? Right now? You know what I
(14:13):
really just like to But okay, stop d please keep
let's keep it going by not until you sing the
theme to Sanford and Sun with me. Come on, come on,
(14:35):
people are going through hard times. Bring them a little joy.
My name is Sanford, and I have a son and
we run a junkyard. Okay, don't make a lot of dope,
(14:56):
but we have a lot of love. Yours were the
lyrics they left out I'm played by Red Fox. I'm
a very fouled mouth comedian, but I cleaned it up
for the boob tube. Okay, let's you're sitting here with
the V I P. Question mark. Yes, not a question mark.
(15:18):
It's news to our listeners that there is a secret,
not f v I P. Yes, FDA didn't have to
look at it, went straight to the marketplace. I see
if you could afford it. I see the syringe. Look
at their flecks of gold bullion. Is that it's beautiful?
(15:39):
I hope it's not the Loquere gold Schlager. And what's
the other syringe next to you? That's a that's botox.
Well it's a filler, all right, So I didn't know
you do botox. No, it's for you for that saggy
jarline of yours. Happy birthday. I don't have. I mean,
I'm not vain, but I don't have. I have. Actually,
this syren and Jo over here in this drawer is
(16:01):
the vaccine and I will be taking it live on
the air in just a few moments. I should note
this is a special celebrity edition of the vaccine. We
get it, which can't take it? And you have to
be a celebrity to get it. Yeah, okay, I'm just
I'm a little worried about you taking something that's not
FT approved, And I just want to really highlight underlying
italicized for our listeners that Maderna, Fiser, Johnson, and Johnson.
(16:25):
These have all been approved to take. Um, you won't
get serious side effects. But this um, this, uh, this
untitled v I P. You know, Marshall Islands. I'm so sorry.
I don't understand that you have to be a celebrity. Well,
it's just it's not enough to be rich. They only
give this vaccine out to celebrities, a couple of YouTubers
(16:48):
like Addison Ray, the guy who's sang chocolate rain. We
are very lucky to be celebrities and have early access
to this vaccine. And do you have any idea when
it will be f D approved or when the rest
of the world will be getting the option of taking
the v I P vaccine. You told me it's actually
one effect, one efficacy. It doesn't sound actually possible. They
(17:15):
think it might be effective, and the FDA doesn't know
about it. They do not, And let's let's keep it
like that for a second. As for when non celebrities
will get access to the vaccine. I forgot to ask. Yeah,
that was on me. Oops. Anyway, before I take this vaccine,
let's get back to the mysterious disappearance of women named
(17:36):
Pam happening all over the world. Fine, I give up,
tell us about the Pam deemic. I want to know now,
what what p am demic? What is that? It's very serious, Carolina,
and it's a good thing you're not named Pam, even
though I've always thought Carolina was a horrible name. You're
You're lucky you're not named Pam. Um that I was
(17:59):
named after my grandmother and she was a wartime nurse
actually well as sexy. As that said, let's stay focused
on the Pam demmic. He might have just this is
just a hypothesis I have. But did you happen to
mispronounce the word pandemic at the top of the show,
and now you're just trying to cover with some made
(18:21):
up store you've invented about women named Pam disappearing? And
if that's the case, you know, let's move on. It's okay.
You made a mistake and you don't need to have
this insane cover story. Absolutely not Carolina, absolutely not. I
assure you that the case, the Pam demic, is real
and it's touched my life personally. I admit I didn't
(18:42):
take it seriously enough at first. It started with my
neighbor Pam. Her mail started to pile up outside of
her house and other neighbors were concerned she She hadn't
been seen for a while, and Pam was usually out
in her dumb garden every day with a portable radio,
listen to music out. I mean, I like Katrina and
(19:03):
the Waves, but every day out in the garden blasting
that walking on Sunshine song at seven thirty am. I mean,
I guess it was her routine. I mean, the details
make this sound legitimate, but I still feel like this
might be made up. I'm sorry, Well, this is a
very complex story and I want to cover all the details. Caroline.
(19:23):
It's called journalism. Please look it up. Fine, I'm sorry, No, no, no, no,
that's not good enough. To take out your phone right
now and look up the word journalism. I'll wait. I
think I think you'll learn quite a bit. Fine, take
it out. Fine, go ahead, we can take as long
as it takes. I heard has said I have unlimited time.
(19:49):
I could do a ten hour podcast if I wanted
to go ahead, look it up. Journalism the activity or
profession of writing for newspapers, magazines, or news websites, or
preparing news to be broadcast. I don't think I needed that,
I could, Yeah, thank you. Now let a real journalists
(20:09):
do their job. So with this whole Pam demic thing,
I initially looked the other way when Pam disappeared because,
like I said, she was annoying the music, more annoying
than you, Carolina. I know, I'm I'm being serious. In fact,
she was a real Hold on, let let me find
the politically correct term for this. Yeah, we can stand
(20:31):
by while you do take your time with that. Is
it is it cool to call a woman a harpy?
Is that a no go harpy? For the sake of
moving this along, call a woman a harpy at wonderful?
So this harpy c word disappears, okay, and I don't
think much of it. Maybe she moved and opened a
(20:51):
candy store in Portland, and maybe maybe she was killed
by the yakuza. Not my problem. I'm just happy to
have a little break from that damn walking on sunshine song, which, again,
great song, but small doses. You know. However, other Pam's
start to disappear, famous PAMs, Pam Dauber, Pam Greer, They
(21:14):
were vanishing into thin air. I was following the story
when I found out Pam Anderson had vaporized. That's what
I said, enough is enough. So you're claiming that random
women named Pam or vaporizing into thin air, Carolina scientists
are baffled, and that's why it's called a Pam demmic.
I mean, when you get an opportunity for wordplay, no
(21:36):
matter how dire the circumstances, you you have to take it.
All right, I'm gonna be direct. You were the one
who said you liked clarity. You were the one that
said you like transparency. Right. Opaque is my enemy, and
not because that's the name of the stripper who stole
(21:56):
my wallet, Opaque. That's okay, she was beauty full. So
I'm going to ask you a question for the second time. Italicized,
did you accidentally mispronounced the word pandemic at the start
of the show and then create this elaborate and frankly
unbelievable lie so that you wouldn't sound stupid that's just
(22:20):
I'm I'm being treparent. No, I did not. That's a
total falsehood. And this has nothing to do with the
fact that you have the v I P quote unquote
coronavirus vaccine right in front of you. Yes, I'm looking
at it right now, which I can see you have.
And I know that you don't love shots, um, and
(22:42):
I know that sometimes you put them off. You got
the polio vaccine last year, and um, I just want
to know if you're trying to put it off with
this long diagnosis for a pandemic, right, I really, I
really don't like shot scare Lada. They hurt. Yeah, I
mean it's a needle going into your arm. It gives
(23:05):
me a big auchie. You're a grown man. Run. You
don't need to say OUCHI, but I don't like ouchies.
There's no such thing as a pandemic, is there. Run.
Be clear you're afraid to take the vaccine. I'm not
afraid of the vaccine. This is a great, special, celebrity
only vaccine. They've only made a hundred of these, and
(23:25):
they gave them to big stars, big stars like me
Iced Tea and Kelly Giddish. In fact, the whole cast
of Law and Order Special Victims Unit got this vaccine.
I think it's amazing that so many famous people were
willing to forego Maderna, Fiser, Johnson, Johnson again FT approved
(23:46):
vaccines and go for this mysterious one from the Marshall Islands. Well,
I have no fears about the vaccine safety. Do you
think Big Pharma is going to take a chance on
Mauritshka Hargat's life. I doubt it. I guess not. S
VU is too important of a television franchise. I was
lucky to get this vaccine, and to get it, I
(24:08):
had to post a major strings shout out to Addison Ray. Okay,
you need to knock it off. This is a chance
for you to really step up as a journalist and
it will show people there's hope on the way. It
will protect you against getting the virus. All you need
to do is give yourself a little shot. And I'm
just saying, maybe it shouldn't be this one. Maybe let's
go to CVS and get you Maderna. I'm so scared
(24:29):
of needles Carolina, and I'm sorry I'm not as tough
as iced Tea. Here's what we're gonna do Okay, we're
gonna take a little break. You are going to take
a deep breath, and when we come back, I think
you have a journalistic responsibility to say, no, I'm not
going to take this v I P vaccine. I'm gonna
go make a legitimate appointment with the doctor. And you
(24:51):
know this vaccine isn't real and that's why no one's
heard about it. Again, I cannot stress this vaccine is
only for celebrities, all right. Normal people won't be getting
this for at least a year. You guys will have
to go with Fiser Maderna and Johnson and Johnson or anyway.
I promise you I'll take it tomorrow. Listen, don't take
(25:12):
the vi I P vaccine and we'll just come back
after these words from our sponsors. Hold on, don't you
ever throw to commercial? I throw to commercial? This is
the Ron Burgundy Podcast. All three words mentally underlined. Throwing
to commercial is the responsibility of the show host, not
(25:36):
the and I hate to use this word, not the
harpie who co hosts. Find throw a commercial, and then
you're going to be the brave man we all know
you are when you get back. You're gonna be transparent. Fine,
and you're gonna go get Viser or Maderna. Fine. When
we come back, I Ron Burgundy will take the special
celebrity coronavirus vaccine like a big boy with no ouches. Well,
(26:01):
I can't promise no ouchies when it's not approved. Look,
this vaccine is not safe for normal people. It's it's
only safe for celebrities. Celebrities have stronger immune systems, and
so you you, the normal people just won't be getting
it for at least a year until you build up,
you know, the proper platelets. Until you have the proper
(26:24):
platelet distribution, you're gonna have to go with you know,
the run of the mill Fiser Maderna, Johnson and Johnson
Medical miracles. Yeah, okay, we'll have to figure this out
when we come back. After these words from our sponsors,
be right back, Welcome back. I'm Ron Burgundy. I I'd
(26:53):
like to apologize for my behavior during this episode. I
am sorry for making up a ridiculous story worry about
women named Pam disappearing. Yeah, that took us off track
for quite a bit. Actually, I know. I I just
want to apologize for insinuating there was a Pam Demmick,
there is, in fact no such thing. I would especially
(27:14):
like to apologize to Pam Dauber, who you may know
as Mindy from Morgan Mindy, but I know just as
my good friend Pam. Okay, this is progress. Actually, um now,
how about you give yourself, against all of my advice,
that celebrity shot and maybe it is safe. Maybe I'm
being overbearing, and soon this you know, the key vaccine,
(27:41):
once normal people build up to celebrity immunity. Yeah, once
they get their platelets up in line with what we have.
And again I cannot stress this enough. This is a
special V I P edition of the vaccine. So unless
you're a big celeb like Juice Newton or one of
the Kia Hamster, you will not have access to this.
(28:03):
So if this mysterious new vaccine does work, which I
have my doubts about, I would still love our listeners
to get Maderna fives or Johnson Johnson. I can't say
it enough instead, but yes, if it's a hundred percent
efficacy the Marshall Islands vaccine, then we do hope that
everyone who needs it can get it soon, Yes, immediately
(28:23):
after all celebrities get it First, there's thousands of celebrities,
maybe hundreds of thousands of your counting globally. Yes, so okay, okay, Carolina,
I'm going to administer the vaccine to myself. Ron Oh
my god, run, let me stop you right there. I
think just put in your arm like your bicep. There's
no need to take off your slacks. If it's all
(28:46):
same to you, I'd prefer to do it this way.
I'm not being creepy. This is medical. You've said that before. Wait,
so I'm sorry. Most people have a nurse and minister
this to them and it goes up your butt. But you,
yourself part of the v i P experience in the
comfort of your own home, administering the vaccine to yourself
(29:08):
in your butt cheek. And remember it also comes with
v i P bottle service, your choice of a premium
to medium level of vodka or any spirit. I'm just
gonna turn my head. Let me know when you're done. Okay,
h are you okay? Okay, okay, okay. This was not
(29:36):
my vaccine experience. By the way, I got my journey
at CBS. It was very quick and easy. This this
actually seems like a harder way Okay, I'm just gonna
do it. I'm just gonna do it. I'm gonna count
to three and just administer the vaccine. Okay, one, two, three, four, five,
six seven? You missed three to four? No, do it,
(30:05):
Just do it right, just do it and just okay,
here we go, Here we go. I'm giving myself the
shot in my right butt. Cheek ow. Oh, this hurts
my but so bad? Is it still going on? Oh?
I want my blanket, give me my blanking. My butt hurts. Okay, Okay,
(30:28):
it's done. It's done. I'm I'm sitting down. Oh, your
hands back up cheek. Okay, well, let me keep my
pants back up there. You were very bravely. You did
regress to a childhood state for a second there. But
I'm I'm proud of you. How do you feel well?
(30:49):
As you know, with any vaccine, you're you're going to
experience some symptoms of the virus. But I gotta be honest.
Now that the shot has gone into my butt, I
think I'm okay, terrific. Good. This is really wonderful news.
I hope it's brought our audience a little hope. And
you and I worked together on this ron we were
you know coworkers, Um, no, we didn't you. You didn't
(31:11):
just take a sharp needle to you. But you're not
even famous enough to do it if you wanted. My
point is if everyone works together and looks out for
one another, we will get through this. I think that
can be our our message today. I suppose you're right.
That's a nice sentiment, Carolina. You know, for a woman
with a I said this, with all due respect, a
(31:33):
medium level of attraction, you can you can be kind
of sweet. I don't think it's with all due respect.
I almost would rather you call me ugly. Medium level
of attraction. Are you noticed? I'm sorry? Are you noticing
any side effects? Honestly, no, I feel totally the same,
did you? Why are you talking that high? Like? What
(31:58):
I mean? My natural not a perfect round dancing voice.
You've gotten very high pitched. It sounds like helium voice.
I don't know when you're talking about? A sham told me?
Can you not hear yourself? Do you sound normal to yourself?
You sounds strange to me. Hold on, let me just
do some vocal retren scientists. The respected risk of reads
risque magazines Chugger con has a chip Tooth, the Symphony,
(32:22):
Nest Night, deep Me finish hold on. My voice does
sound very odd. I think this is why you want
the FDA approved vaccines. I think this is a side
effect of the celebrity vaccine. I knew I should have
never taken this thing. And it sounds like a weird,
sick muppet. Is this going to wear off? I don't know.
(32:43):
Broadcasting careers ruined. I want my normal voice aback, Carolina.
I think we should call the doctor. I think we
need to call someone and just let them know what's
going on. I don't know what to do. I can't
call my doctor. And I bought this vaccine off the
dark rap the dark You bought this vaccine off the
dark Well, I was lying about this being a celebrity
vaccine off the dark web. And no, I won't not
(33:05):
give you any information about it because I am not
a nark. I don't believe you just injected yourself with
a random medication you bought up the Internet. It's not
being a nark. Not the dark web, okay, the secret
Internet that's illegal where you can fight drugs a gun
through bitcoin. Oh, my voice is stuck like this. You
need to seek a medical attention. We need to seek
(33:27):
a medical attention. I need to just go, Oh my god,
are you okay? This is terrible, my beautiful voice, my
lovely you will ever take me seriously as a journalist
with this voice, it seems like it's wearing off just
a little bit. It is h Hello, Hello, almost there.
(33:49):
This is this is Ron berg. Yeah, I am trustworthy. Hello,
this is Rore you go, I am trustworthy and important.
That sounds like you. Hello, this is Ron Burgundy. Yeah,
I'm Ron Burgundy. He's back. Okay, the piano tuner told
preposterous lies with Piper Perabo. There you go. Thank god,
(34:14):
my voice went back to normal. That was scary. It
must have been a temporary side effect of the medication. Still,
I don't love that you bought it off the dark web,
and we should probably just see a doctor who knows
whatever was in that syringe, just to be safe. Maybe
you can test it. Well. That's really smart, Carolina, what
a great message to send out. I'm sorry, I'm not
(34:35):
going to allow you to push that anti vax or
nonsense on this program. I am not an anti vax er.
I'm pro vaccinations. You just injected yourself with medication bought
from the dark web with bitcoin. I I ain't been
saying multiple times, take fis or take Majorna. We offered
to drive you to CVS and get Johnson and Johnson
like everyone else. Well, I think the worst of it
(34:57):
is over. I feel fine. I'll it get easy today.
See my doctor if I think it's necessary. Wow, I
think we have learned a lot on today's show about
what you lied f of the time. Hold that thought.
I think I am going to see a doctor. Something happened.
I mean, yes, I think that's a really good idea. Yes,
(35:18):
I mean my voice seems to have modulated back to
its normal tenor. But I think there's a another issue
going on. Um, is your breathing okay? Are you feeling
chest pressure? Trouble breathing? No, no, no, no, no, none
of that. It's just what is it? Just tell me
what it is. It's the damnedest thing. But I don't
(35:39):
know quite how to say this, but just say it.
What's going on? Just reached around inside my pants. My
genitals are missing what it's smoothed down there. It's like
it's like a ken doll. This is a real problem.
So I'm going to say This has been the Ron
Burgundy Podcast for this week, and we will see you
(36:00):
again next time, hopefully with my genitals back where they
should be. Also, I'd like to leave you with a
final thought. If you're thinking about buying a vaccine from
the dark web, don't do it. An ambulance and the
I again, sincere apologies to my dear dear friend, Pam
(36:21):
daughter Yeah call them right now.
Wrong Burgundy Podcast. It's welcome back the Ron Burgundy Podcast.
I'm Ron Burgundy with me as always is Carolina. Great
to be back with you, Ron, Thank you, Thank you, Carolina. Yeah,
I know it. It is great to be back with me.
(00:20):
Not just for you personally, Carolina, but I think everyone
feels it's great to be back with me. Being without
me this long it had to be tough on everyone,
especially right now. So I see we're starting this season
at your standard level of narcissism. But it is always
(00:40):
a pleasure, Ron, I don't even care. I'm just so
happy to be back. I don't what did you say that?
What's that word? I don't know what that word means?
Always a pleasure. No, the word you just said, narc
narc is, narcissis him? What what is that, Carolina? If
if you're someone implying that I'm a narc I am
not a narc um. No, no, no, it has nothing
(01:04):
to do with being a narc. I said narcissism, and
I would silent see never tip off the police if
I knew about some creeps running an illegal chop shop,
or inform the FBI about a group of interstate crystal
meth dealers, never specific never. In fact, let's not discuss
either of those things anymore in detail, because my friends
(01:26):
are clean. No one is a whistle. No one's asking
you to discuss your friends or whatever is going on
with the interstate meth dealings of them. That's fine. The
point is, I'm not an arc, if that's what you're
implying with that fancy word you use. Know, No, I
wasn't implying that you're. Of course you're not an arc, regardless.
I'm insulted at the implication. Didn't imply that Ron Burgundy
(01:49):
is no snitch. You feel me? Do you feel me?
I feel you. I'm not a narc, Carolina. I will
cut you if I need to. Okay, straight up logo.
Know you're not loco. You're not straight up loco. You're
not going to cut me. The word narcissism has nothing
to do with being a narc. Okay, all right, as
(02:09):
long as we are clear, that's all I ask for. Clarity, right, yeah, transparency, clarity, good, Okay,
not a narc. I'm just so you know too. I'm
not even a tattle tale, which some could argue is
even worse. I don't you're not a tattle I know,
and I don't. I don't know how we got here already,
but if we could get to our topic today, that
(02:31):
would be amazing. Yes, you told me you had some
interesting updates on where we're at with the vaccines. Obviously
a lot of the country has been vaccinated, thankfully, So um,
what's your angle? What have you learned? Well, um, go
back to I'm not a tattle tale, but I loved
the game show tattle Tales, so we can move to
(02:56):
the topic though. Yes, um, yes, the topic of the vaccine. Okay,
I would love to jump to this. I would love
to get some real news and and stop being accused
of sharing information about possible crimes I have witnessed in
order to help myself in personal law enforcement situations. So
let's just put it to bed once and for all.
(03:17):
Ron Burgundy is neither a narc nor a tattle tale
if you're helping yourself in perfect though, once again, I
love the game show Tattle Tales. You've made that quite clear.
If you're helping someone for your personal gain, it actually
does sound exactly what a narc is. But you know what,
We're gonna let that run by. And if you could
(03:39):
share with us your experience about the pandemic or the vaccine.
I think that would be helpful and interesting to our
listeners to hear what Ron Burgundy has to say. Couldn't
agree more, Carolina, folks. I think right now people are
looking for straight facts, real information. Things are changing by
the day, and one thing I'm very proud of is
(04:01):
that I am. I am a trusted source for so
many people out there, not as a journalist, but as
a human being. People think of me as a comforting, compassionate,
welcoming presence in their homes. Even in bad times. I
make people feel better. I bring a sense of calm
during these difficult times. I'm like a golden Retriever puppy
(04:22):
wrapped in a bow, or like a little snow man,
or like a nice shot of rum right when the
kids go to sleep and you're off the wagon again. Anyway,
to our listeners, I know Ron and I sometimes have
our differences on the air. That's only when you're being
an idiot, which I say with all due respect, and
(04:43):
otherwise we get along swimmingly. It doesn't feel with all
with all due respect. You can't just say with all
due respects, and I feel respected, but I mean it
is with all due respect. Well, Listen was a really
tough year on all of us, and I'm sure our
odd is always glad to hear your voice again in
this new season. That I don't think you're wrong about
(05:04):
that is that's a real unpartisan view right there. People
are people are very happy to hear me right now.
I don't know whether it's the timber of my voice,
my measured tone, or my musky personal scent, but I've
never felt more loved and appreciated as a broadcaster than
right now. I guess that's important. In fact, some people
(05:25):
have told me they've been listening to this podcast, heard
my voice, and all of a sudden, they feel like
they can actually smell me in the room. My voice
must send out some kind of fair mind. I need
to interrupt. That was from a very strange fan letter
we received about a fan being it will smell you
in the room, and you know what, we actually we
(05:45):
forwarded that to the proper authorities. Why did you do that?
I was really creepy, but I was touched by their correspondence.
I I sent them an expensive gift basket of candied almonds.
Let's get back to talking about the pandemic. Yes, the
PAM demmic, the changing political landscape. No, Pan, did you're
(06:07):
saying PAM PAM pandemic, not the PAN Yes, yes, the
PAM DEMI. Carolina, surely you're aware of the PAM demic.
So many people throughout the world are fighting this PAM DEMI.
I've read some recent Pan Pan. Not PAM PAM demic, pandemic.
I'm not talking about the COVID pandemic yet. I was
(06:30):
speaking on the PAM demic. Wait, did you think I
was talking about the coronavirus. Well, yes, that's what we
were talking about. The COVID pandemic. COVID nineteen is a pandemic,
and I have some optimistic news to share about the
pandemic later on on the show. First, though, on today's show,
(06:51):
I wanted to talk about the dangerous PAM demmic. I'm
I think everyone is confused right now. So do you
have updates on your experience with COVID and the vaccine
or not? I do major updates, huge scientific advances. In fact,
I have the vaccine ron that's great. I actually I
(07:13):
was worried that you weren't going to take the vaccine
I mean, there's some anti boxers out there, and guess
what I will be taking it live on today's episode
of the podcast. That is actually great, But let's not
waste any more time about Pam or Pan. This is
going to set a great example for people who may
still be a little nervous to take it. Great. No,
(07:36):
I agree, let's let's get right to it. But first,
some info on the Pam demons I was speaking about,
because you're apparently not even aware it's going on. Honestly,
not a surprise because with all due respect and mentally,
as I say that, I'm underlining the word due before respect.
(07:58):
You are a terrible journalists. You can't underline something in
your head and then acts, so I think it serves
the same purpose if you announce that, just so you
know before I say this, it's underlined in my head. Okay,
well I'm italicizing in my head. That works. That works fine,
that works for me. No, thank you. It's not capitalized
(08:21):
with all due respect when you call me a terrible journalist,
so all of that is italicized phrase and it's not
is italicized. To listen, I think I'm so lost right now.
It doesn't matter run. I think I speak for everyone
when I say we don't know what a Pam p
(08:43):
Am demicist. Yes, p Am, thank you, I am capitalized.
Nobody knows what that means. See, this is what I
meant when I said we struggle professionally. No, no no, I
know we struggle professionally. I feel it every moment of
every hour of every day, atalicized underlying Okay, yes, well, okay,
(09:04):
quickly tell me what the Pam demmick is and then
we'll move on to encouraging people to get vaccinated who
are scared. I don't know if it's your generation. I
I don't know if it's that TikTok app distracting you.
But wow, I just I find it very hard to
believe you don't know about the awful Pam demmic going
(09:25):
on at the same time as COVID nineteen, which, by
the way, I've got vials of the vaccine sitting here.
But we'll get to that now. The Pam dimmick, on
the other hand, that's the news. That's the real. Okay,
how about this as an option, we talk about the
COVID nineteen vaccine first. A lot of people, you know,
it's it's amazing scientific breakthrough that we even got this,
(09:47):
and I think we just want to encourage it again.
And then and then after we finish, you can talk
about your PAM VERSU PAN whatever you want. Here's the
second option. We go to commercial break. Okay, make some coin,
a little little cashi or cheddar as they say, and
then come back and talk about both the pandemic and
(10:11):
the pan dimics. So the opposite of what I'm saying.
That sound good. I am the host of the show.
You feel me, I feel you, I feel you. You
feel me that I don't know the whole I feel
you think? Did you just learn that? I learned it yesterday? Okay?
Promise me, by the way, when I say you feel me,
I mentally underlined feel, so you feel me. And when
(10:34):
I say stop asking me that I did an explanation point.
All right, good, Okay, Well, let's just promise people should
talk more like this with each other. It's a little confusing,
but I guess we're just trying, as you said to
you operate with clarity. Your favorite things supposedly listen, just
promised me when we get back, you're going to get
(10:54):
right to the vaccine, because I think people really want
as much information as they can right now, people who
were nervous. Yes, absolutely absolutely. When we come back, we
will discuss the pam dem No welcome back. If you're
(11:19):
just tuning in, it's the podcast, not a radio show.
No one's I've finally gotten that concept. Really, it seems
like we always up against this. I'm just maybe maybe
they decided to fast forward and start in the middle
of the podcast. That's what I'm maybe maybe. Okay, it's
within the realm of possibility. So you were saying you
actually have the COVID vaccine and you're preparing to take
(11:42):
it live right here on the podcast. How safe it is? Now?
Is it maderna Fiser, the Johnson and Johnson. Well, Um,
it's actually the v I P One. Not a lot
of people have heard of this brand. It's I haven't.
It's made in a secret laboratory in the Marshall Islands,
(12:03):
which is a US protectorate. Um. And uh, it's a
very v I P service. Um, and it comes with
also v I P bottle service. I have a choice
of a bottle of champagne vodka. You have to pay extra,
but it's worth it. But what I'm trying to say
is I realize I am very fortunate to have this
V I P vaccine and not everyone has access to it,
(12:25):
which is really a shame. It's not fair. But I
have it because I'm a celebrity, and I'm I'm going
to take it live right here, showing how safe and
effective it is, how safe and effective the secret vaccine
from the martialized secret vaccine, which is a hybrid of
all the other vaccines, so therefore it is symbolic of
(12:45):
how safe the vaccination processes as a whole. I'm not
loving this build up, but let's just get to um
you taking in we can before we discuss the pandemic.
Let's discuss the pam demmic, folks. I don't know how
to report this in a way that doesn't sound a
little strange, but I assure you everything I'm about to
(13:08):
tell you is very real, underlined very mentally, and you
deserve the truth. There are women named Pam all over
the world who are disappearing, just vanishing into thin air.
It's a scientific mystery. We are experiencing a true pam medemic.
I'm going to treat this like it's normal and just
(13:29):
say that I don't have any reports of missing PAMs. Well,
that doesn't surprise me at all. I mean, you're probably
too busy binging reruns of Friends or Sanford and Son
in your pajamas to open up a damn newspaper. I'm
not binging episodes of Sandford and Son. I don't believe me.
I have been staying informed every day. I watched the
news every morning, and and it's overwhelming. I'm I'm filled
(13:53):
with anxiety, but not anxiety over missing palms or pamelas.
There's no reports of women named Pam going missing. Wait,
but you've seen Sanford and Sun, right, because that's a
very good show. Yes, I've seen Sandford and Son. Do
you do you want to sing the theme to Sanford
and Sun with me? Right now? You know what I
(14:13):
really just like to But okay, stop d please keep
let's keep it going by not until you sing the
theme to Sanford and Sun with me. Come on, come on,
(14:35):
people are going through hard times. Bring them a little joy.
My name is Sanford, and I have a son and
we run a junkyard. Okay, don't make a lot of dope,
(14:56):
but we have a lot of love. Yours were the
lyrics they left out I'm played by Red Fox. I'm
a very fouled mouth comedian, but I cleaned it up
for the boob tube. Okay, let's you're sitting here with
the V I P. Question mark. Yes, not a question mark.
(15:18):
It's news to our listeners that there is a secret,
not f v I P. Yes, FDA didn't have to
look at it, went straight to the marketplace. I see
if you could afford it. I see the syringe. Look
at their flecks of gold bullion. Is that it's beautiful?
(15:39):
I hope it's not the Loquere gold Schlager. And what's
the other syringe next to you? That's a that's botox.
Well it's a filler, all right, So I didn't know
you do botox. No, it's for you for that saggy
jarline of yours. Happy birthday. I don't have. I mean,
I'm not vain, but I don't have. I have. Actually,
this syren and Jo over here in this drawer is
(16:01):
the vaccine and I will be taking it live on
the air in just a few moments. I should note
this is a special celebrity edition of the vaccine. We
get it, which can't take it? And you have to
be a celebrity to get it. Yeah, okay, I'm just
I'm a little worried about you taking something that's not
FT approved, And I just want to really highlight underlying
italicized for our listeners that Maderna, Fiser, Johnson, and Johnson.
(16:25):
These have all been approved to take. Um, you won't
get serious side effects. But this um, this, uh, this
untitled v I P. You know, Marshall Islands. I'm so sorry.
I don't understand that you have to be a celebrity. Well,
it's just it's not enough to be rich. They only
give this vaccine out to celebrities, a couple of YouTubers
(16:48):
like Addison Ray, the guy who's sang chocolate rain. We
are very lucky to be celebrities and have early access
to this vaccine. And do you have any idea when
it will be f D approved or when the rest
of the world will be getting the option of taking
the v I P vaccine. You told me it's actually
one effect, one efficacy. It doesn't sound actually possible. They
(17:15):
think it might be effective, and the FDA doesn't know
about it. They do not, And let's let's keep it
like that for a second. As for when non celebrities
will get access to the vaccine. I forgot to ask. Yeah,
that was on me. Oops. Anyway, before I take this vaccine,
let's get back to the mysterious disappearance of women named
(17:36):
Pam happening all over the world. Fine, I give up,
tell us about the Pam deemic. I want to know now,
what what p am demic? What is that? It's very serious, Carolina,
and it's a good thing you're not named Pam, even
though I've always thought Carolina was a horrible name. You're
You're lucky you're not named Pam. Um that I was
(17:59):
named after my grandmother and she was a wartime nurse
actually well as sexy. As that said, let's stay focused
on the Pam demmic. He might have just this is
just a hypothesis I have. But did you happen to
mispronounce the word pandemic at the top of the show,
and now you're just trying to cover with some made
(18:21):
up store you've invented about women named Pam disappearing? And
if that's the case, you know, let's move on. It's okay.
You made a mistake and you don't need to have
this insane cover story. Absolutely not Carolina, absolutely not. I
assure you that the case, the Pam demic, is real
and it's touched my life personally. I admit I didn't
(18:42):
take it seriously enough at first. It started with my
neighbor Pam. Her mail started to pile up outside of
her house and other neighbors were concerned she She hadn't
been seen for a while, and Pam was usually out
in her dumb garden every day with a portable radio,
listen to music out. I mean, I like Katrina and
(19:03):
the Waves, but every day out in the garden blasting
that walking on Sunshine song at seven thirty am. I mean,
I guess it was her routine. I mean, the details
make this sound legitimate, but I still feel like this
might be made up. I'm sorry, Well, this is a
very complex story and I want to cover all the details. Caroline.
(19:23):
It's called journalism. Please look it up. Fine, I'm sorry, No, no, no, no,
that's not good enough. To take out your phone right
now and look up the word journalism. I'll wait. I
think I think you'll learn quite a bit. Fine, take
it out. Fine, go ahead, we can take as long
as it takes. I heard has said I have unlimited time.
(19:49):
I could do a ten hour podcast if I wanted
to go ahead, look it up. Journalism the activity or
profession of writing for newspapers, magazines, or news websites, or
preparing news to be broadcast. I don't think I needed that,
I could, Yeah, thank you. Now let a real journalists
(20:09):
do their job. So with this whole Pam demic thing,
I initially looked the other way when Pam disappeared because,
like I said, she was annoying the music, more annoying
than you, Carolina. I know, I'm I'm being serious. In fact,
she was a real Hold on, let let me find
the politically correct term for this. Yeah, we can stand
(20:31):
by while you do take your time with that. Is
it is it cool to call a woman a harpy?
Is that a no go harpy? For the sake of
moving this along, call a woman a harpy at wonderful?
So this harpy c word disappears, okay, and I don't
think much of it. Maybe she moved and opened a
(20:51):
candy store in Portland, and maybe maybe she was killed
by the yakuza. Not my problem. I'm just happy to
have a little break from that damn walking on sunshine song, which, again,
great song, but small doses. You know. However, other Pam's
start to disappear, famous PAMs, Pam Dauber, Pam Greer, They
(21:14):
were vanishing into thin air. I was following the story
when I found out Pam Anderson had vaporized. That's what
I said, enough is enough. So you're claiming that random
women named Pam or vaporizing into thin air, Carolina scientists
are baffled, and that's why it's called a Pam demmic.
I mean, when you get an opportunity for wordplay, no
(21:36):
matter how dire the circumstances, you you have to take it.
All right, I'm gonna be direct. You were the one
who said you liked clarity. You were the one that
said you like transparency. Right. Opaque is my enemy, and
not because that's the name of the stripper who stole
(21:56):
my wallet, Opaque. That's okay, she was beauty full. So
I'm going to ask you a question for the second time. Italicized,
did you accidentally mispronounced the word pandemic at the start
of the show and then create this elaborate and frankly
unbelievable lie so that you wouldn't sound stupid that's just
(22:20):
I'm I'm being treparent. No, I did not. That's a
total falsehood. And this has nothing to do with the
fact that you have the v I P quote unquote
coronavirus vaccine right in front of you. Yes, I'm looking
at it right now, which I can see you have.
And I know that you don't love shots, um, and
(22:42):
I know that sometimes you put them off. You got
the polio vaccine last year, and um, I just want
to know if you're trying to put it off with
this long diagnosis for a pandemic, right, I really, I
really don't like shot scare Lada. They hurt. Yeah, I
mean it's a needle going into your arm. It gives
(23:05):
me a big auchie. You're a grown man. Run. You
don't need to say OUCHI, but I don't like ouchies.
There's no such thing as a pandemic, is there. Run.
Be clear you're afraid to take the vaccine. I'm not
afraid of the vaccine. This is a great, special, celebrity
only vaccine. They've only made a hundred of these, and
(23:25):
they gave them to big stars, big stars like me
Iced Tea and Kelly Giddish. In fact, the whole cast
of Law and Order Special Victims Unit got this vaccine.
I think it's amazing that so many famous people were
willing to forego Maderna, Fiser, Johnson, Johnson again FT approved
(23:46):
vaccines and go for this mysterious one from the Marshall Islands. Well,
I have no fears about the vaccine safety. Do you
think Big Pharma is going to take a chance on
Mauritshka Hargat's life. I doubt it. I guess not. S
VU is too important of a television franchise. I was
lucky to get this vaccine, and to get it, I
(24:08):
had to post a major strings shout out to Addison Ray. Okay,
you need to knock it off. This is a chance
for you to really step up as a journalist and
it will show people there's hope on the way. It
will protect you against getting the virus. All you need
to do is give yourself a little shot. And I'm
just saying, maybe it shouldn't be this one. Maybe let's
go to CVS and get you Maderna. I'm so scared
(24:29):
of needles Carolina, and I'm sorry I'm not as tough
as iced Tea. Here's what we're gonna do Okay, we're
gonna take a little break. You are going to take
a deep breath, and when we come back, I think
you have a journalistic responsibility to say, no, I'm not
going to take this v I P vaccine. I'm gonna
go make a legitimate appointment with the doctor. And you
(24:51):
know this vaccine isn't real and that's why no one's
heard about it. Again, I cannot stress this vaccine is
only for celebrities, all right. Normal people won't be getting
this for at least a year. You guys will have
to go with Fiser Maderna and Johnson and Johnson or anyway.
I promise you I'll take it tomorrow. Listen, don't take
(25:12):
the vi I P vaccine and we'll just come back
after these words from our sponsors. Hold on, don't you
ever throw to commercial? I throw to commercial? This is
the Ron Burgundy Podcast. All three words mentally underlined. Throwing
to commercial is the responsibility of the show host, not
(25:36):
the and I hate to use this word, not the
harpie who co hosts. Find throw a commercial, and then
you're going to be the brave man we all know
you are when you get back. You're gonna be transparent. Fine,
and you're gonna go get Viser or Maderna. Fine. When
we come back, I Ron Burgundy will take the special
celebrity coronavirus vaccine like a big boy with no ouches. Well,
(26:01):
I can't promise no ouchies when it's not approved. Look,
this vaccine is not safe for normal people. It's it's
only safe for celebrities. Celebrities have stronger immune systems, and
so you you, the normal people just won't be getting
it for at least a year until you build up,
you know, the proper platelets. Until you have the proper
(26:24):
platelet distribution, you're gonna have to go with you know,
the run of the mill Fiser Maderna, Johnson and Johnson
Medical miracles. Yeah, okay, we'll have to figure this out
when we come back. After these words from our sponsors,
be right back, Welcome back. I'm Ron Burgundy. I I'd
(26:53):
like to apologize for my behavior during this episode. I
am sorry for making up a ridiculous story worry about
women named Pam disappearing. Yeah, that took us off track
for quite a bit. Actually, I know. I I just
want to apologize for insinuating there was a Pam Demmick,
there is, in fact no such thing. I would especially
(27:14):
like to apologize to Pam Dauber, who you may know
as Mindy from Morgan Mindy, but I know just as
my good friend Pam. Okay, this is progress. Actually, um now,
how about you give yourself, against all of my advice,
that celebrity shot and maybe it is safe. Maybe I'm
being overbearing, and soon this you know, the key vaccine,
(27:41):
once normal people build up to celebrity immunity. Yeah, once
they get their platelets up in line with what we have.
And again I cannot stress this enough. This is a
special V I P edition of the vaccine. So unless
you're a big celeb like Juice Newton or one of
the Kia Hamster, you will not have access to this.
(28:03):
So if this mysterious new vaccine does work, which I
have my doubts about, I would still love our listeners
to get Maderna fives or Johnson Johnson. I can't say
it enough instead, but yes, if it's a hundred percent
efficacy the Marshall Islands vaccine, then we do hope that
everyone who needs it can get it soon, Yes, immediately
(28:23):
after all celebrities get it First, there's thousands of celebrities,
maybe hundreds of thousands of your counting globally. Yes, so okay, okay, Carolina,
I'm going to administer the vaccine to myself. Ron Oh
my god, run, let me stop you right there. I
think just put in your arm like your bicep. There's
no need to take off your slacks. If it's all
(28:46):
same to you, I'd prefer to do it this way.
I'm not being creepy. This is medical. You've said that before. Wait,
so I'm sorry. Most people have a nurse and minister
this to them and it goes up your butt. But you,
yourself part of the v i P experience in the
comfort of your own home, administering the vaccine to yourself
(29:08):
in your butt cheek. And remember it also comes with
v i P bottle service, your choice of a premium
to medium level of vodka or any spirit. I'm just
gonna turn my head. Let me know when you're done. Okay,
h are you okay? Okay, okay, okay. This was not
(29:36):
my vaccine experience. By the way, I got my journey
at CBS. It was very quick and easy. This this
actually seems like a harder way Okay, I'm just gonna
do it. I'm just gonna do it. I'm gonna count
to three and just administer the vaccine. Okay, one, two, three, four, five,
six seven? You missed three to four? No, do it,
(30:05):
Just do it right, just do it and just okay,
here we go, Here we go. I'm giving myself the
shot in my right butt. Cheek ow. Oh, this hurts
my but so bad? Is it still going on? Oh?
I want my blanket, give me my blanking. My butt hurts. Okay, Okay,
(30:28):
it's done. It's done. I'm I'm sitting down. Oh, your
hands back up cheek. Okay, well, let me keep my
pants back up there. You were very bravely. You did
regress to a childhood state for a second there. But
I'm I'm proud of you. How do you feel well?
(30:49):
As you know, with any vaccine, you're you're going to
experience some symptoms of the virus. But I gotta be honest.
Now that the shot has gone into my butt, I
think I'm okay, terrific. Good. This is really wonderful news.
I hope it's brought our audience a little hope. And
you and I worked together on this ron we were
you know coworkers, Um, no, we didn't you. You didn't
(31:11):
just take a sharp needle to you. But you're not
even famous enough to do it if you wanted. My
point is if everyone works together and looks out for
one another, we will get through this. I think that
can be our our message today. I suppose you're right.
That's a nice sentiment, Carolina. You know, for a woman
with a I said this, with all due respect, a
(31:33):
medium level of attraction, you can you can be kind
of sweet. I don't think it's with all due respect.
I almost would rather you call me ugly. Medium level
of attraction. Are you noticed? I'm sorry? Are you noticing
any side effects? Honestly, no, I feel totally the same,
did you? Why are you talking that high? Like? What
(31:58):
I mean? My natural not a perfect round dancing voice.
You've gotten very high pitched. It sounds like helium voice.
I don't know when you're talking about? A sham told me?
Can you not hear yourself? Do you sound normal to yourself?
You sounds strange to me. Hold on, let me just
do some vocal retren scientists. The respected risk of reads
risque magazines Chugger con has a chip Tooth, the Symphony,
(32:22):
Nest Night, deep Me finish hold on. My voice does
sound very odd. I think this is why you want
the FDA approved vaccines. I think this is a side
effect of the celebrity vaccine. I knew I should have
never taken this thing. And it sounds like a weird,
sick muppet. Is this going to wear off? I don't know.
(32:43):
Broadcasting careers ruined. I want my normal voice aback, Carolina.
I think we should call the doctor. I think we
need to call someone and just let them know what's
going on. I don't know what to do. I can't
call my doctor. And I bought this vaccine off the
dark rap the dark You bought this vaccine off the
dark Well, I was lying about this being a celebrity
vaccine off the dark web. And no, I won't not
(33:05):
give you any information about it because I am not
a nark. I don't believe you just injected yourself with
a random medication you bought up the Internet. It's not
being a nark. Not the dark web, okay, the secret
Internet that's illegal where you can fight drugs a gun
through bitcoin. Oh, my voice is stuck like this. You
need to seek a medical attention. We need to seek
(33:27):
a medical attention. I need to just go, Oh my god,
are you okay? This is terrible, my beautiful voice, my
lovely you will ever take me seriously as a journalist
with this voice, it seems like it's wearing off just
a little bit. It is h Hello, Hello, almost there.
(33:49):
This is this is Ron berg. Yeah, I am trustworthy. Hello,
this is Rore you go, I am trustworthy and important.
That sounds like you. Hello, this is Ron Burgundy. Yeah,
I'm Ron Burgundy. He's back. Okay, the piano tuner told
preposterous lies with Piper Perabo. There you go. Thank god,
(34:14):
my voice went back to normal. That was scary. It
must have been a temporary side effect of the medication. Still,
I don't love that you bought it off the dark web,
and we should probably just see a doctor who knows
whatever was in that syringe, just to be safe. Maybe
you can test it. Well. That's really smart, Carolina, what
a great message to send out. I'm sorry, I'm not
(34:35):
going to allow you to push that anti vax or
nonsense on this program. I am not an anti vax er.
I'm pro vaccinations. You just injected yourself with medication bought
from the dark web with bitcoin. I I ain't been
saying multiple times, take fis or take Majorna. We offered
to drive you to CVS and get Johnson and Johnson
like everyone else. Well, I think the worst of it
(34:57):
is over. I feel fine. I'll it get easy today.
See my doctor if I think it's necessary. Wow, I
think we have learned a lot on today's show about
what you lied f of the time. Hold that thought.
I think I am going to see a doctor. Something happened.
I mean, yes, I think that's a really good idea. Yes,
(35:18):
I mean my voice seems to have modulated back to
its normal tenor. But I think there's a another issue
going on. Um, is your breathing okay? Are you feeling
chest pressure? Trouble breathing? No, no, no, no, no, none
of that. It's just what is it? Just tell me
what it is. It's the damnedest thing. But I don't
(35:39):
know quite how to say this, but just say it.
What's going on? Just reached around inside my pants. My
genitals are missing what it's smoothed down there. It's like
it's like a ken doll. This is a real problem.
So I'm going to say This has been the Ron
Burgundy Podcast for this week, and we will see you
(36:00):
again next time, hopefully with my genitals back where they
should be. Also, I'd like to leave you with a
final thought. If you're thinking about buying a vaccine from
the dark web, don't do it. An ambulance and the
I again, sincere apologies to my dear dear friend, Pam
(36:21):
daughter Yeah call them right now.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Nikki Glaser Podcast
Every week comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced, and brutally honest look into current pop-culture and her own personal life.