Ron Burgundy Doesn’t Trust Diplo
By Diana Brown
April 2, 2020
This episode of The Ron Burgundy Podcast finds our host, Ron Burgundy, in a great mood, because he’s “in a beautiful and philosophically rewarding relationship with the singer-songwriter, Sia.” He tells his producer and co-host, Carolina Barlow, that it’s somewhat surreal dating another celebrity, and that “it’s confusing” when she “doesn’t let me play my jazz flute over some of her tracks,” but overall, things are going great. Sia actually calls Ron before she gets onstage in Berlin, and Ron reminds her that she’s “the love of my life, and I’m longing for your presence. I sleep with one of your wigs by my pillow next to me.” Sia’s reception is bad, though, and it sounds like she wants to break up!
Ron panics, almost falling out of the window of the studio trying to get Sia back on the phone. Carolina tries to reassure him that he’s just being paranoid, and that this always happens to people who are in new relationships, but Ron doesn’t listen. “Maybe if I tell her I have an incurable disease, she’ll give me a few more days,” he schemes. “Or maybe I’ll ask her to marry me! I’m really not ready, but I’ll do it if it buys me another month.” Carolina talks him out of buying a fake $20 engagement ring in Chinatown, so he comes up with a backup plan. “Quick question, is it an intrusion of privacy for me to hire someone to put a bug on her phone?” he asks. “I’ll hire someone to follow her around and take pictures to make sure she hasn’t met anyone super handsome and wonderful. Do we trust Diplo?...No.”
Finally, though, he’s able to calm down, and he tells Carolina that he wants to help her find love just like he did. So he’s arranged for three bachelors to come to the studio for a dating game! Carolina is not thrilled, which Ron doesn’t understand: “You wouldn’t get married for ratings?” he asks her. “Just marry one of these guys, it’d make a great finale! Get iHeart off my a**.” She says she’ll agree to go on a date with one of them, so Ron kicks it off. The bachelors are a motley bunch, but will Carolina find love with one of them? Is Sia going to dump Ron after all? How many computers did Ron have to buy before he figured out his email account? Find out all this and more on this episode of The Ron Burgundy Podcast.
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