Dead Man Talkin'

In an unprecedented move, Ben and his compulsive wingman return with more death talk. Much like last week Ben opens with an ode to a long lost friend as he plays a deadly game of Bingo. The fellas don't just stop there though because there's a new and active Instagram account on the prowl and a stalker who knows no limits. All that and some glorious glamour shots to rave about on a new edition on The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Boom. If you've thought more hours a day, minutes a
week was enough, I think again. He's the last remnants
of the old Republic, the sole fashion of fairness. He
treats crackheads in the ghetto cutter the same as the
rich pill poppers in the penthouse, to clearinghouse of hot takes,
break free for something special. The Fifth Hour with Ben

(00:24):
Maller starts right now. Yes it does for the the disfranchise,
the exploited members of the Malla militia that don't get enough,
that don't get enough of this nonsense during the week.
And we know that four hours are not enough. So
here we are. I just noticed the open. We might
have to redo the open of the Fifth Hour, and
I'll tell you why in a second. But we are

(00:45):
in the air everywhere, really everywhere, the vast power of
the I Heart Company, the global reach of podcasting, part
of the I Heart podcast Network. We're avail, as you
already know. But I want you to tell your friends this.
Wherever you get your podcast or your enemies, I don't
really care, because remember we learned one minute. All that
need one good minute. You can pretty much do anything

(01:07):
for a minute, even if you hate it. So like
people that aren't sports people could download this for one minute,
we get credit. Of course, the argument. I guess this
isn't even a sports podcast anymore. I don't know what happened,
but it's like just a bullshit podcast. But we have
myself Ben and he's a hero on the internet, his
parody accounts. He's got so many burner accounts. He's I

(01:29):
think he's behind the Carlos Beltron Niece Burner account. David Gascount,
I'm happy to be here breaking as fast as we speak.
It's a it's a brand new day, and yeah, let's
get into it. You can do a Marcel and Brooklyn impersonation.
You have some oodles and boodles for noodles, maybe some
chef boyard. I can't believe you let that guy on radio.

(01:50):
That's a national show and it's just train wreck for
a couple of minutes. Well, Marcel is a polarizing call
and you don't understand talking radio. I understand polarizing. Many
of the callers blow all right, there's only a few
good callers. So what I do is I'm like a coach.
I I'm coaching up Marcel. If you would have heard
Marcel's first two phone calls to talk radio when he

(02:12):
called me a while back, horrific. He's nervous. I'm giving
him a direction, I'm giving him a role. Now. Heats
a little bit, a little bit off from time to time.
But I like Marcell. He he thinks he is a star,
and that's all that really matters in Marcel's head. I

(02:34):
believe Marcel believes he is a major media star because
he calls our show and a bunch of other local
morning shows and whatnot. So there you go. Wait, so
if you gave him instruction and correct me if I'm
wrong on this, But you started off in this industry
as what like a board op or or a producer?
Well I was when I was a kid. I was

(02:54):
a kid caller, kid caller, producer, board op anchor. And
don't give any notes to any of your any of
your regular show colleagues. Well I would, but they don't
show up until, you know, right before the show, like
a minute before. So it's hard to give out notes
when they show up a minute before, you know what
I'm saying. Fair enough? Yeah, um, before we we get sorry,

(03:17):
I just wanted to give an update, which I failed
to do on the last radio show because this this
is far as we always say, the super p ones
of the show right that. You know, Holy Mac like
you're a big fan if you listen to this crap um.
But Marcel in Brooklyn versus Blair and Maine, there's gonna
be a verbal octa guy. Now, Blair and Maine started this.
But I have bad news to report, all right. A

(03:40):
member of the Mallard Militia from the Great State of
Maine informed me that Blair, our guy, the caller of
the Year, went on the JAB, it was a Morning Jab,
which is the affiliate in Portland, Maine, and said he
cannot fight Marcel in Brooklyn. I did not get all

(04:03):
the details. Maybe there's some shame and embarrassment there. Maybe
his mom told him he can't do it, or the
Special Olympics told him he can't do it. But he says,
how you do it? So I think he's holding out
for more money Gascon. I think he you know how,
sometimes there's a big fight in the one of the
boxes is and I'm not gonna do it. Like Mayweather,
He'll say, I'm not gonna do it, but you gotta
pay me more money and then all of a sudden,
he's willing to do it. Yeah, weed man, Hippy, you've

(04:23):
got a bunch of panhandlers on your show. Ben, Yes,
you need a verbal octagon between blind Scott and Mark
the full name guy. Yeah. Well Mark doesn't call as much,
but yeah, that would see, that would be good. Blind
Scott can get really worked up. He's good occasionally. Or
you like him because you met him and he gave

(04:43):
you he was your tour guide in Boston and you
enjoyed that. No, but he's he's actually at something to
your show, which is personality. That show lacks personality. How
does lack of personality? It's a personality driven show. I
don't know. It's an opinion based personality driven. It's a
little flat. It's a little what I say, flat, little lethargic.

(05:04):
How is the show lethargic? Are you gonna listen to it?
Do you say? Right now? How is it? Letharge? You
know I'll give you those notes off the air. You
have nothing, you have nothing, you have you listen, you
are pounding the table because you have nothing. That famous
quote that's not true. I mean that's right. If you
have the facts on your side, you go with the facts.

(05:24):
If not, you pound the table. No, that's not true
at all. That's it. The quote. Yeah, the quote is,
if you have the facts on your side, pound the facts.
If you have the law on your side, pound the law.
If you have neither on your side, you pound the table.
You're pounding the table. Do it off. Here. We do
everything on this stupid podcast. We do. Yes, Well, we're
usually pressed for time. Usually unfortunately we're not pressed for

(05:48):
time today. Well, we kind of are. I have a
busy day at a busy morning. I have a busy
this is my life here. You know, normally the star
of a podcast or a radio show people bow down
and uh and and give them shoulder rubs. It's a
manny and a petty for the big talent. This is
how I grew up in radio, and I still see it.

(06:09):
Like Colin Coward gets a manny and petty every day
from Greg Toohey, I'm told, but but here's the thing.
Like with me, it's like an annoyance that you have
to do the show with me. Like on the radio show,
I get the same thing. I thought, well, maybe i'd
get a ben at on the podcast. No, I got
fucking guest gone, Who's got to schedule me around auditions?

(06:30):
What a Hollywood one percent funk up that this guy's
going around l A doing auditions, And then I gotta
plan my schedule on a fucking day off. I gotta
plan my schedule around what audition you're doing to sell
cheese on television. It's not sure you work this morning,
so it's not your day off. You're still working. It
is my day off once I go to the dude,

(06:50):
day starts when you wake up. You know how that works.
To be fair, you're getting paid nothing for this, so
you're not working on your day off. You're just talking
into a microphone that's been recorded on your day off.
So that is logic. You just threw some logic out there. Yeah,
sorry about that. Whatever. I was at the studio twice
yesterday to record your stupid podcast. I was doing it
before I had to call a game at cal State Northridge,

(07:11):
and then I came back after to edit your podcast. Okay,
that's fine, but but I had to run around the
byways and highways to get to the studio I was on.
I did at the five different highways. I believe it
was to get to where we do the show from
because there was a little bit of rain. So everyone

(07:32):
was out on the on the four oh five and
the two ten and the ten and the five and
all these different freeways in l A one on one
on pontoon boats. They were floating along on pontoon boats
because there was a freeway, uh act like an accident
on the on the freeway there. So it was it
was a nightmare. So I'd believe early if it hadn't
been bad, I maybe you could have pulled it off.

(07:53):
But you were lazy, you were slow, that you did
a long postgame show that you were doing. It's bad
job by you, inappropriate, inappropriate pontoon But that gives me
a great memories of my time in Lake Havasu. Anyways, Um, alright,
so here's the menu today. You've we've got the by
the way, just to put the footnote on that fight.
I believe it will still happen, although Marcel did not

(08:14):
call the Friday show, which was one of his scheduled
days to call the show, so he might be getting
cold feet also, so I'm gonna have to talk to
I'm gonna have to coach these guys up, both of them,
these jamos, these Pelucas and get these guys into a
fighting posture. So we have Bingo card of death. Everything
in the kitchen sink dial long distance, we've got that

(08:37):
as well. Study this. We'll get to that, glamour shots,
gascon and on the Graham and also grab bag time permitting.
So that's what's coming up on the podcast, but we'll
begin with the Bingo card of death all right. Now.
I lost a friend of mine, a guy that I
had worked with for a very long time as a reporter,

(08:59):
and we didn't work at the same radio station. But
when I first started in l A radio and I
came up from San Diego, I was a reporter for
several years before I got into complete gas baggery when
I do these days. But I covered basketball, baseball, whatever,
hockey pretty much. I had no girlfriend, I had no life.

(09:21):
I had an apartment in Hollywood, and I pretty much
went two games every night. And I said again, I
go to you know, I grew up at Dodger Stadium. Literally,
like I'd go out there at like, you know, one o'clock,
two o'clock in the afternoon and be there till midnight
most days when they were home, and then I'd go
to the Angel Games and do the same thing when
the Angels were home. And uh, the different teams in

(09:42):
l A. That I was covering for the Mighty six
ninety in San Diego, which no longer exists. So I
befriended this guy, Alex, who it's an odd tale. He's
he's rushing, but he his family, I guess during the
World War Two a aped Russia and moved. I think
it was Argentinas, somebody told me. And so he grew

(10:04):
up fluent in Russian and Spanish. And he's such an
he's such a smart guy, Alex that he realized if
you live in l A and you want to make
money in radio, you do the Spanish radio. That's where
the money is. And so that's what he did, and
he did that. He had a long career in radio.
But anyway, he passed away recently. And I don't normally
talk about this kind of stuff because I think it's

(10:26):
you're patting yourself on the back when people have asked
about it. So I will talk about it here. So
he had a funeral, which I think most people do
when they die. If the people like them, there's a funeral, uh.
And so it was on Tuesday of this week at
eleven a m uh local time in Los Angeles in
the morning. Now, guess gon, this is the middle of

(10:49):
the night for me. Do you understand, like this is
the eleven am. I mean, I know he didn't consult
with me on the time of the funeral, but this
was about the worst possible time for me, right, I
guess worse would have been like nine am, but eleven's
in the same spectrum, you understand, No, I don't par
of the reasons because you sent me some horrific texas

(11:10):
like an eight or nine or ten o'clock in the morning,
and I'm baffled as to why you're still awake, so
you can't get so you can't get any pity for
me on your sleep schedule? What time you usually go
to bed? Anyway, I usually go to bed between eight
and nine in the morning, and you get off of
work at three. Well, I go to work out. I
know you don't work out, your big fat take, but

(11:31):
I go work out and I do that, and then
I have to wind down. I am, I'm all wired
after the workout in the show, and I gotta kind
of wind down a little bit, and uh, my mind
is racing. I'm already thinking about the next show, and
it's a problem. I can't slow them. You're gonna get
a new producer then, well not you, I don't. I mean,

(11:53):
someone will take your mind off of this. You're a
ball of stress. Though that's part of the reason. I'm
a type A man. I'm about everything, and that's just
the way it is. You don't have blame my d
n A. What's that you don't have O C D. Though, No,
not really O c D. But my my nightmare. You know,
I've worked with some people guests, and I'm not saying
I work with him now, but I work with people
that aren't dependable occasionally, and so it puts me in

(12:16):
a in a position where I my nightmare is to
be behind the microphone and not be prepared because I've
been there. I've been there early in my career, and
I I the first show I the problem I have
is the first radio show I ever did by myself,
talk radio. I've told the story before, but I went
in there gung hole. I had prepared. I had a
great monologue. Um and and my programmer at the time,

(12:37):
Bo Bennett Um, he was there. He was excited. You know,
I was the young, up and coming radio guy and
I first shot behind the microphone by myself solo. Man
was that important? And uh it was a Saturday morning
UM radio show and I came in there and I
just fucking nailed the monologue. It was like a ten okay,
And then I didn't prepare for the rest of the show.

(13:00):
I didn't have anything like just in case nobody calls
kind of thing. You know, I drowned. I'm amazed I
was brought back. I'm like a cat with nine lives
because I'm convinced I drowned. I had so much flop
sweat going. You know, it was like a game of Survivor.
I was trying to figure out a way to to
survive here. And and but they do say happiness is

(13:23):
that jowning out of destination. So my theory is the
reason I am overly prepared for all these other shows
is because of that first show that went so terribly
after it started out so well, That's that's why this
nonsense happened. This sounds like prom nite for you, right,
like popping the cherry for the first time, you think
of doing a good job, and then she's just like
is that it? Are you still hear that these days? Yeah?

(13:47):
Your plugs it. I don't even care. Like, let's get
this over with quick, let's move on. We got I
gotta I gotta watch a game. So how do you
run when you when you're nine, ten eleven o'clock in
the morning, what are you running on? Espresso coffee? Be
sure to catch live editions of The Ben Maller Show
weekdays at two am Eastern Pacific. Well, I didn't go
to the gym that day, and I tried to sleep,

(14:08):
but I can't just fall asleep after the show because again,
I'm worried up why. I'm like, boy, I hope my
bosses don't hear the show last night. That was really bad,
you know that kind of thing. And then I'm like, well,
what I'm trying to think? Like what the big story
is going to be for the next show? You know
what do I Because the good thing about sports is
a lot of this stuff is telegraphed, like we kind
of know what the big story. There's a big game

(14:29):
that night, or there's rumors of a trade, or somebody's unhappy.
Kind of know that the day before. Now that changes,
but you kind of know, going in, what's gonna work,
what what what could be on the agenda? So I
think about that stuff. But I didn't go to the
gym that day. I had trouble falling asleep, but I
got up in morning rush hour traffic. Man, I don't
know how you people do it. I'm talking about you

(14:51):
and you and you, because what a nightmare, what a
fucking nightmare morning rush hour traffic is. But I did it.
I didn't get to hours roughly to get to that funeral.
And but it's a good miss way I have funerals.
Nobody wants to go to a funeral. A funerals are
for the living, and you're supposed to show appreciation for
the living because the dead's not there. I mean, their

(15:13):
bodies there, but they're not really there there. And so
but again I don't usually talk about this kind of
stuff because, uh, that's just I think that's personal going
to this kind of stat stuff. And I'm not doing
it to get a pat on the back, um, just
telling you about my week. Uh. And I also want
to point out that I have now almost completed my
Bingo card of death, my funeral Bingo card of death.

(15:36):
I have been two the here the following funerals. I've
been too, because unfortunately I started radio and I was
nineteen years old and a lot of the people I
started with have started to die, um because they were
older or whatever, they were middle aged and then whatever.
So I've been to the Jewish funeral, Catholic, Christian, non religious,
from over, an atheist ceremony. I've been to a funeral

(15:59):
in a black church in the hood. Now I have been.
This is my first ever. This is this is eye
opening here, my man, I shouldn't you know. It's nothing
to do with Alex or his family. It's just the
way I didn't know what I was walking into a
Russian Orthodox funeral. Have you ever been to a Russian
Orthodox funeral? I've only been to Italian Jewish. Yeah, I've

(16:20):
been to Italien up in the Italian Yeah. Isn't that
the same as a Catholic isn't the same concept? No,
there's a lot more eating involved. I'm just talking about
the actual ceremony, and you know all that I don't.
I don't know. Have you been to it? You haven't
been to a military funeral yet, have you. I've not
done the military. I was trying to think what's left
on my Bengo card of death. I need Hindu, Muslim,

(16:44):
and military, and I think I'm good. If anybody's a
friend and that you wanted me to go to your
funeral and you're in one of those three camps let
me know, and doing funeral tour like around the globe.
Well I want to complete it. You know. Eventually I'll
go to my own funeral, but that'll be to you know,
either a non religious or a Jewish one. So, uh,
I gotta get these other Maybe I can have a

(17:05):
Hindu funeral even though I'm not really Hindu. Do you
trust me reading a monologue for your for your eulogy?
You'll die before me? I think that. Yeah. I mean,
you know I'm better than you. You're you're older than
me anyway, so I don't have to worry about. So
we're doing back to back uh debt talk monologues for
for these podcasts David Stern last week and now Your
Friend this week. Yeah, and it's even better. We're leading

(17:26):
with this this week. There is a lead. That's how
bad this podcast is. We're leading. Uh death is what
we're leading with. But this this just to put the
foot Noteicze I you've ever been to a Russian Orthodox
Um funeral, you probably haven't been. So this is this
was the daily double from me. Okay. Now, it was
at this old church in Los Angeles right near it

(17:48):
was kind of l a but near Hollywood. So it
did this old Russian Orthodox church, which is fine. You know,
it's a nice building and it had obviously a lot
of history, a lot of memories were in there. So
I drive two hours hand to God gas gun, which literally,
when you're at a funeral, your hand is almost a god.
I did not understand one thing that was said. The

(18:09):
entire thing was in Russian. Okay, now that's the first
part of the daily double. The second thing it was
an open casket, not a fan guess gun. I want
to remember the living as the living. So me and
my friend Norm and Lee we were there so that
one side of the church was that you could face

(18:30):
the casket, and then the other side was you could
see the back of the casket. So we s get
dattled over to the other side and we circumvented there's
like a line to go and uh, you know, see
the corpse um. We didn't do that. We snuck off
to the side and waited for the ceremony to start.
Now was it Lee Klein that was there? Lee was there,
so was the Prince of Darkness himself was making an appearance,

(18:52):
So he I would imagine he was just annihilating this
this funeral. Correct, No, he was actually respectful, which I
was shocked. But we were. We were worried, me and
normal word because we got there before him, and Lee
showed up after the ceremony started, so we were concerned
he was gonna come in there like a ball of
lightning and uh, I'm here everybody, and you know, he's

(19:12):
all in Russian and all you know, I was like,
but he fortunately was on his best behavior, which he
I don't know how that happened, because he would be
the guy that would make the awkward statement and to
make a joke to the to the priest, you know,
and all that. But so it was all in Russian
and all that we had that going on. And the
thing that all bothered me probably more than anything, was
unfortunately been to a lot of these funerals. I to

(19:34):
me and each of their own funerals are about you know,
sharing memories and stories, right, telling stories and remembering the
person I know, you can do that after the funeral,
but I think at the funeral because a lot of
people don't go to the other stuff, the wakes or
whatever or sitting, uh, you know, different things that religions
do to celebrate the rituals that people have. But I

(19:55):
think of the funeral part of it should be giving
um mulogies. And I actually wanted to give a little
I had a couple of stories that I wanted to
give about my friend Alex, and I wasn't allowed to
do it because I don't speak Russian and there was
no time for that and that only so I actually
want to share a couple of them with you right now.
You want to hear my my favorite Alex? Yes, please
give me. Can you at least describe Alex? First? Alex

(20:17):
was a kind of grizzled uh rough exterior gentlemen probably
about who I don't know how old he was. I
really don't know how he is. I don't know how
old anybody is, um. But he kind of had a
not a husky he wasn't he wasn't skinny, but he
wasn't overly husky, kind of a little chubby um. And

(20:39):
I first met him and when I again, I was
a kid, and when I first started going to these games,
and it was so funny because uh, I covered the
Clippers in the nineties. They were horrific. I loved it,
but they were horrific. But at some point I became
I started become jaded because the team was so bad
and I had stuff to do after the game. So
everyone on press row, everyone in the press box, and

(21:01):
we we sat in radio row, and um, we were
all like, at some point, we're like, just get these
fucking games over with. We've got stuff to do, you know,
I go interview the dumb players and then we'll go
off and do our own thing. Well, Alex, he loved
he was so excited to be at these games, um,
and the and he was so happy. And he didn't

(21:22):
really speak English that well at that time for some reason,
but he would shout when the game was close in
the fourth quarter. He double all over at the time.
He wanted, he wanted, he never wanted the games to end,
and we got to kick out it. We were like,
this is unbelieved. This look, get a load of this
fucking guy. You know, we're all trying to get the
funk out of here. And this guy wants double overtime.
And I'll never forget a guest on the Clippers, who

(21:43):
were horrible in those years. They played the Boston Celtics,
soho I think had Larry Bird. Maybe I'm wrong on that,
And I know the Chicago Bulls had Michael Jordan's back
to back games went to double overtime. It was orgasmic
for my friend Alex, and so for the rest of
his life, any time I ran into him with a
game and I got married, I don't go to games where,

(22:04):
you know, as often as I used to, but anytime
i'd run into him, I would. His nickname was double
Overtime because he said double overtime and all that stuff.
So that was that was a good memory of Alex.
I also played in that same year, I played in
a Clipper media game coached by Hall of Famer Bill Fitch,

(22:25):
and Alex was part of that, and Alex used to
I busted his balls calling him double overtime. Well, Alex
busted my balls because Bill Fitch in the middle gascon
Oh that uh that basketball it was even more like
a scrimmage type thing, wasn't a full game or whatever.
But Bill Fitch called time out in the middle. It's

(22:48):
in front of all that. It was a media game,
calls time out and in front of the entire l
A media contingent that was covering the Clippers in those
days said to me, You've got to be the worst
play year I've ever coached. And uh, and Alex never
let me forget about that. He reminded me of that,

(23:08):
and then I told him, I said, well, listen, you
know Bill Fitch coached Larry Bird, you know, so you know,
you remember the greatest and the worst. And I think
he I think he coached he was in Houston. Did
he have I don't know if he had a team
Elijah Wan or not, but um, he had some good
players in Houston as well when he's coaching the Rocket.
So so I was. I told Alex, I said he

(23:29):
would say that, and my comeback was like, well, yeah,
but he coached Bird, so it's me and Bird, you know,
me and Elijah Wan or whatever. So but that was fun.
I mean, that was a good memory. Um I'm trying
to think what else? Oh, he all. I was also
with him another story involving the Celtics. He he asked
Dino Rajah, who was like a big star at the

(23:49):
time for the for the Celtics, there was kind of
in between the Bird era and then when they became
good again when they had the truth Paul Pierce and
so the Celtics were going through a rough patch and
they had lost to the Lakers and then they lost
to the Clippers. Were losing to the Lakers is no
you know, it's no shame because the Lakers were good
in those days. But the Clippers. I mean, you gotta

(24:10):
do some soul searching when you lose the Clippers. And
so Alex goes in there like a ball of fire
and says the Dino Rager, who's all depressed because they
just lost the game and all over to a bad
Clipper team, and he says, uh, something to the effect
I'll paraphrase. It was something of the effect of like,
how does it feel to lose to both the Lakers
and the Clippers? You want to get out of l a,
don't you? And Rock Dino Raja wanted to punch and

(24:32):
got all it was it was some of them. We
got kicked out of the Celtics locker room by Dino Roger.
That was funny. And the final out story because I know,
you don't, you might not care about it, but I
think these are good stories, and these are stories I
would have shared if I had the opportunity to his funeral.
But I Alex would take public transportation a lot to
get to these games, right, so sometimes I would try
to do him a solid, you know. And I took

(24:54):
the train a lot also, but sometimes I drive to
the games. And in the peak, Carrol usc Era and
USC had all those rock Star players and all that
I picked up Alex. Uh, they were playing Notre Dame
was big Notre Dame USC game, big rivalry game at
the Colosseum in l A. And I picked up Alex
from the train station to give him that final push

(25:14):
to the to the Colosseum, and we got stuck in
a horrific traffic traffic jam that was just we We
didn't think we were gonna be able to even make
it to the goddamn stadium the way things were going. Um,
So we were stuck in an intersection, you know, trying
to turn left into the place we need to go,

(25:34):
and then we had to turn right to go to
the good parking lot. So we're stuck there, bumper to
bumper there's a traffic cop that's there. Alex is so upset.
I think this is the Russian blood in him. He
rolls down the window and starts cursing at the the
police traffic officer. Now keep in mind, it's my fucking car, right,

(26:01):
it's my car, my license plate, and he just is
giving this person the business about how they're terrible at
their job. Now, everything he said was right, they were
terrible at their job. But I was I still remember that,
you know, he said, Alx, what are you doing. They're
not gonna come after you. They're gonna come after me.
But hey, those are my Alex stories. So rest in peace.

(26:22):
Too bad that that locker room story didn't have social
media with it, because that would have been great to
see him videotaped. Oh my god, guess I I yeah,
he he had some great moments. I also, I mean
I got kicked out of several locker rooms that if
we only had Twitter, I could have become a viral sensation,
all of us back in those days. The ship that

(26:43):
happened before social media, that players got away with because
nobody called them out on their bullshit, is amazed. Daryl
Strawberry and the Dug Hunt. Well, yeah you, Darryl. You
can go down the list of of of nonsense that
I I witnessed that you know, in today's world, no chance,
Oh my god, those guys would be just hung out

(27:03):
to dry and it would be wild. Be sure to
catch live editions of The Ben Maller Show weekdays at
two am Eastern eleven pm Pacific on Fox Sports Radio
and the I Heart Radio app. Alright, anyways, moving on
from the bingo card of death everything in the kitchen sink,
It's time now for your obligatory Mallard Kitchen Update. Guest,

(27:24):
Gun you ready for this? Yeah? I I did my
best to uh to provide you with some some aid.
That is a lie. I provide your your wife with
some aid and some some advice by someone I know,
dear to my heart. Yum, I don't know if that
came to fruition. I want to see how this all
turned out for you. Yeah. So, I think the term

(27:47):
is you took me for a ride because you said
from the last this is bullshit. Let's not let me explain, dummy.
So last week you you've definitely led me a ray.
You deliberately misled me because you made it seem like
you knew somebody at this this crappy insurance company that's

(28:07):
sucking me over. You knew somebody that I could like,
you had an insider, like somebody on the board. That's
what That's the way you made it. See I did.
And then I found out that he left to go
to a different agency. Yeah. So so I feel like
I was deceived because I I told my wife, I said,
you she didn't listen to the podcast all the time.
I said, you're not gonna believe this. My man Gascon's

(28:30):
got a guy. I think we're good, and so, you know,
it's like but then then it turned out it was
your thumb was on the scale. You know, you're manipulating
U situation. So, but it was very nice to talk
to you. Want to say, who you recommended I talked
to Yeah, the Chief, Yeah I recommended you. Now my
wife called the Chief, loves the Chief. We should all

(28:50):
get together. I'd rather have dinner with him. I'll buy
him tacos. I'll buy the Chief tacos. I was not
buy you tacos. How about that? Wait, you lost the
bet to me, though, I'll buy him. I like him
more than you. He coil listeners did not download the
required amount, and therefore I want the bed well again.
I think that is also misleading and trying, you know,
using diversionary tactics, which I know all about because I

(29:13):
created this versionary tactics. But but but no, the podcast
did better than the normal podcast, so I feel like
that's a win. No, and regardless, um, you can buy
us both tacos. It's all good. I'm down for it.
I mean, he wanted to know why your wife was
more engaging than you were, and I just said, I
got no answer for it. He's an introvert. Yeah, I

(29:34):
picked my spots. My wife's always you know, she's not
always like that, but when in public she is. Yeah
she is. Rob Parker's party, she was all about it. Yeah.
People love her. Absolutely, they were. It's wonderful. Serious. I mean,
I they were asking jobs just because of her, maybe
because of her, maybe because of me. Here we go,

(29:54):
no stop, it's just you know, I mean I could
squad a lot. I just didn't know I had to
squad a human ing the side of six ft five
in to sixty and Ben Maller. But here I am,
you know what I am? I am the left tackle
with They call me the pancake maker because I have
so many pancake blocks. And then all you have to
do is you can crawl through the hole. I opened

(30:16):
up the A and the B gap, and I get
rid of all those people that are trying to obstruct
your path. You know anything about football, you know that
a left tackle would not be on the A and
B gap. Dummy, so unbelievable. Anyway, analogy should I have
use you want to you? You should have said that

(30:37):
you blocked the weak side, the blind side, and you're
also the lead block no matter what comes. Oh my god,
you are such a technical dick. So it's our the
obligatory malcause you had me. You had us talk to
you the chief, your your old man who and apparently
this happened to him. The same thing that happened to me,
pretty much happened to him, and he had the same

(30:58):
situation in But then he told me that that did
not have a happy ending. That I was just trying
to understand, because obviously I couldn't see your house, but
I was trying to I talked to him about it
and understanding how in the world you can actually even
identify prior to thirty days expiring that kind of damage
to your house, and you really can't outside of a

(31:22):
major disaster with water seeping onto the floor and you
being barefoot, it's hard to identify any kind of leaks
in the wall like that. Yeah, and if you missed
the previous podcast, I had a leak in the wall.
I thought it was the refrigerator and it turned out
to be a leak in the wall. And then the insurance,
these opportunities, these hustlers, these shysters at the insurance, They're like, well,

(31:42):
it was more than a month, so we don't have
to pay anything, so I have no kitchen and the
the update. Get that just just bullshit. You have reported
the I still don't understand they're weasels. But apparently they
put it in the contract and they you know, we
all signed anything they put in front of us. You
know what I'm saying. I mean, it's we all do it.
You signed a car, you sign away your life. And

(32:04):
my friends, my friend Lee who works in the car business,
said you could you could sign that paperwork and in
the fine print can say we can repossess your car
in two years, even if you've paid all of it
and you'd sign away that. It's just like when people
sign for mortgages. They don't know this, but a bank
or an investor can look into your financials ten years
down the road because you signed some disclosures that allowed

(32:25):
you to do that. So yeah, it's it's it's it's
crazy towns. So but as far as the update, there
is no update. Did you appeal, Well, we are appealing.
That was your your advice and your old man, So
we are appealing. But the we we've been trying to
get a contractor to start working so we can live
our lives normally. Again everything's upside down. That and one

(32:46):
thing I've noticed about the contractors not in a big hurry. No,
not a rush. You know, la la la la, la
la la. They're driving in the slow land. We want
to drive on the Autobahn and they're in the slow
lane going you know, it's a Sunday drive for them.
So I had a couple of one contractor came out.
I showed him the damage. Nice guy, good guy. I

(33:06):
don't think he's in any hurry to do anything. He
still hasn't given us an estimated how much is gonna
cost now? Blind Scott advised me. He said, I need
to hire each individual person. I'll save money that way.
So I'm thinking we might have to do that. You
hire a floor person to dry drywall person, a kitchen
cabinet person, a kitchen counter person. Uh, and you go
that way, and that's how you do. You save money

(33:28):
that way. I think there's some silver lining to all this,
And I don't want to play the role as a rat,
but I guess I can do it here. Um, I
know firsthand that that this kitchen needs to be updated,
and there's someone, there's someone inside that house that has
one of that kitchen to be redone for months and
months and months and years. It's finally gonna happen because

(33:50):
of this. So I think there's some positive spent all this. Well,
you know, sometimes what you do is I don't know
if you know this, but you budget for things like this.
You know, you look for cost overruns and all that stuff,
all those things you're supposed to do as an adult. Um,
we did none of that. We were planning on doing this,
all right, and now you are. You know what, you
weren't planning on having a wife. You weren't planning on

(34:11):
having a family. Weren't planning on having a house, and
damn it, then you're having all of it. So you
know you're doing the damn kitchen. So can we put
some granite top on the kitchen? Uh? Can we have?
I'll tell you it will look a lot different than
to look before. I hope, So I hope the cooking
is much better too. Wow, I'm just making an observation.

(34:34):
You know, I've been a several Christmas parties now and
uh still you know, still waiting for that that flaming
on you're Let me tell you something, you're so snocker
when you go to those parties. You don't remember anything.
I do remember a little bit, you know. I'm happy
that your wife actually introduced her girlfriend to Brian family.
By the way, that's a that's a great story and

(34:54):
it keeps on the long tradition of update anchors at
the ben Mellor House on Christmas. Christmas Steve, Yeah, a
bunch of Philanderers that coming to my house here, amateur
casanova was on on on the prowl, because I would
be honest, I think both men and the women at
that party who are single are on the prowl both sides.
But yeah, nothing wrong with this party is like the

(35:18):
it's like the Venus flytrap, you know, with these stories
and all that. Yeah, yeah, exactly who knew. I'm just
sitting by the fire and waiting for the damn thing
to get over with. But everyone else is lovey dovey,
right line and dine, lovebirds, the Dance of Romance, all
that crap going on. So but anyway, but so that's

(35:40):
there's no update on the kitchen. And thanks to some
of the militia that reached out, I appreciate. We had
a couple of people that were in the construction business
that said, hey, I can help you out. We're good
for now, but tune in next week. Maybe I will
revisit that we might do that. How are there was
so much there was so much panic with your itch

(36:00):
and I got emails, I got Instagram direct messages and
I got Twitter direct messages asking for your contact info
for this. I'm like, well, what the hell is wrong?
This is Ben Mallard, This isn't like, this isn't you
Since you have no no fans, um, let me explain

(36:20):
how this works. We have a very small group called
the Mallew Militia. It is an elite group of people
that are part of this. Uh, it's a special group.
It's like the A team, right, we love it when
a plan comes together. We are a crack commando unit,
the Mallew Militia, and we are living in the underground

(36:42):
of different cities and occasionally we get active. So what
I did You don't even realize. This is the nuance
I used. Is I sounded the bugle, and the cavalry
right the infantry charged in like knights and shining armor
to save my my kitchen. And they heard me with

(37:05):
my bugle saying I have a problem. I need some help,
and hoppity hop right at these people came right out.
They sprinted, Okay, they sprinted to to help out. And
that's what the great thing about the malam Lisha. Everyone
says we're a bunch of losers and all that, but
we got everybody, rich, poor, you name it, and they

(37:26):
were all there to help. Seldom do they not come
through for me. So screw you. Unbelievable. Well, they couldn't
get you into uh, they couldn't get you in a
week seventeens of fair between San Francisco and Seattle, So
shame on them. Sham. Well, that's the incompetent Seahawks PR department,
so dial long distance. Some bad actor Gascon is making

(37:46):
me consider possibly changing my cell phone number. I've had
the same cell phone number for probably thirty years. Maybe not,
but I am considering changing my cell phone number because
I've been getting random text messages and phone calls from
people who are hands of the show. Yeah that was
not me. I don't know who the hell is doing that,
but that was not man. Somebody has been giving out

(38:08):
my phone number, and um, you know, I love the
people listen to the show, but uh, not on my
personal phone. I've given less than five listeners have my
phone number in the years I've been doing this. There
are less than five listeners. I can name them. Doc Mike,
that was a mistake. He was going to jail. That
was a mistake. And he's still alive. He still calls me.

(38:30):
He's not calling me now because he's an ecuador and
he didn't want to pay for the longest phone call.
I just gave my phone number to Jay Scoop, that's
a good, great guy from Seattle, and we had a
you know, we text. I'm fine with him texting me, Uh,
Paul and his lady friend Aliyah, who live in Maine
alias from Brooklyn. They got my number, although they only

(38:51):
got my number because they were supposed to send me
a hat they never sent me. Um, I give my
card and then they saw I can youive us an address?
I said, I'll give you the hard and then they
I'm still waiting for that hat. But they're cool. I
liked Emilie is funny and she's cool and stuff like that.
So I don't mind those people. But that's four uh,
to my knowledge. I and maybe I'm forgetting, But I
don't recall giving out my number to any other listener

(39:13):
to the show, any female that I don't know in
real life, any any females at all. Well, Eli is
a female. Well, I mean that's a couple. But I meant,
like any any single female. Well, why would I'm married?
Why would I do that now? I mean before I
was single, I didn't want my number. Did you try
handing it out back in the day, Oh no, I was.

(39:35):
I didn't because it was I was very I did
a lot of issues because people think you make more
money than you do and then they you know, it's
the whole plus we're public figures. All your all your crap,
is all your laundry is available online these days. But anyway,
so the point is is, I if I didn't give
you my number, don't text me, don't call me. I

(39:58):
didn't say, hey, give me a call. Whatever. Ever, here's
my number. I love the fact that you're a super
fan of the show, and you know, there's a couple
of people from New Jersey um have been sending me
messages and whatnot. And I I like that you love
the show and you're a p one and that's great.
I appreciate your enthusiasm. And I do not want to
be a dick. Okay, I don't want to be a dick,

(40:20):
but if this continues, I'm either gonna have to change
my number. I'm gonna have to somehow get I heeart
media security involved in this too, you know, for you know,
why are you calling this and whatnot? And I don't
want to do that. I don't just block me in trouble.
I don't think these people are trying to do this
in a mean way. I think they they think that

(40:41):
this is just the way to do. But I'm advising
you not to do. Okay, what time of these people
call or text. Um, it's random, you know, it's a
it seems will be a lot of time in the
nighttime hours, the evening hours or whatever, but it's in
the afternoon. I'm it's east these A lot of these
guys are on the East coast. So I'm trying to
figure out who about my number? Blind Scott, No, he

(41:04):
didn't have my number. Uh weed man, hippie. Nah, oh,
he definitely doesn't have my number. I call him. I've
called him a few times from a block number. I
don't want him to have my Why don't you just
block the numbers that are calling or texting you? Well, yeah,
but yeah, I can't do that. But that's that's also
annoying to have to because you know, it's paying the

(41:25):
ass they have those turbo was it turbo calls or
robot calls or whatever that is. So that's my Um,
that's my So you got some Stockers, you got some
I mean, I know you had fanboys. I just didn't
know how big it was. So that's fine. It's a
lot of hoods. But though Gascon like when I was
growing up listening, like if I was a fan of

(41:46):
Howard Stern and if somebody gave me Stern's number, I
would be like, I would be afraid to call him.
I didn't. I wouldn't look at it as an open
invitation to call him. Well you know what I'm saying. Yeah,
but see this just kind of goes with your persona
on air about being relatable and air quotes being part
of the common man. Solid a stick that you throw

(42:08):
out there like people are are intoxicated by it. They
get drunk on it, and they feel like you're the
buddy that's next doors. They just wanna give you a call,
rub some elbows, buy you a drink, and then all
of a sudden, lo and behold. Like Ben Maller is
an introvert. He doesn't leave his house unless his wife
or I take him out, or you know, to go
to a fucking funeral for Russia or or you know,

(42:31):
or well, no, listen all that stuff. I do treat
the radio show like it's um manual labor. Yeah. For
for me, it actually is labor. I bring my lunch
pail and uh, you know, I like to think that
I eat truck stop food just like the truckers, you know,
the trash men are out there doing their thing. And
all that stuff, and the people that are busting their

(42:52):
asks driving those eighteen wheelers and whatnot working in warehouses.
But but yeah, I mean, I you know, when I'm
when I'm in my my personal space with my wife
and I get a a text message out of the blue,
and I'm like, oh, what happened? Maybe there was some big,
big story. I should probably check that out. And then
I click on my phone and it's dump Truck Dexter
who's texting me. I'm like, well, I mean, I'm I'm

(43:14):
sure Dexter is a nice person, if that's even his
real name, But I don't know that I really want
to hear from dump dump truck Dexter right now, you
know what I'm saying. That's pretty good though. I'm encouraged
by this. This is a new year in the New
Year's new youth, so I appreciate the uh. I like
the people there just have the balls to go out
and reach out to you. That's that's pretty irre remarkable.
I would never do something like that. It must be

(43:35):
that whole New Jersey thing. Mostly, it's just something must
that's like a pot of people in New Jersey that
have my number, All of a sudden may we knew
we were so big in Jersey. I had no idea. Well,
maybe one of your brothers started working with you and
had well you know, I was thinking, my I have
an uncle that is not a fan of the show.
But um, I I don't really talk to him that much.
But he mentioned that there were some some people in

(43:58):
Jersey that were fans of the show and m Brooklyn
and um they were actually this is good. I don't know,
I don't have time. How much time do we have,
gues do we have to hurry up here? We'll get
your story in. Come on, alright, So you have some
uncle that doesn't like your show? Uh? No, you know,
he's kind of I'm not very religious. He's very religious,
you know that kind of what kind of religion, but Jewish.

(44:19):
She's very religious. And he's like, you know, hardcore and
you know, not hard hardcore like you know, So does
he hate you because your wife is is Catholic? No, No,
he's he's cool. Every it was nice about that, but
she's uh, I can't say this, but anyway, you know
the derogatory to every everyone does it. But anyway, Um, no,

(44:41):
So my uncle's cool and anyway, he had some people
that were studying to become rabbis, that some young guys
that came out to stay with his house. I gets
it's something they do. They tore the country or what.
I don't know what it was all. I don't know
all the ins and outs. Um, so he calls me
up and these people like saw his last name and
they the same last name as me, and they said
that you were it and they said yes, and then

(45:01):
so he I don't know if he gave my number
out to these guys because they because it's all from
like the New York A lot of these calls are
from the New York tri state area, like New Jersey,
New York, that area. So I'm wondering if it's some
of those guys that got the number from him. And
I don't know why he would give it out though,
I don't think he would give it out right. Why

(45:22):
would you give out my number? Yeah, it's very odd.
I can't figure. I don't. I don't know what's going on.
Did you ask the person how they got your number? Yes?
Oh I did, hold on, let me go. I asked
my guy dump truck, Darryl. I said, how did you guys,
how did you get my number? He said from a friend?

(45:42):
Is this Big Ben? My favorite host? I'm a die
hard fan. He said, yeah, well, see, your voicemail doesn't
have you talking on it, so you should just deny that.
You should just said no, this is not Ben and
then block the number. He wouldn't have been none of
the wiser. Yeah, and again he's like answering questions about

(46:02):
the show during you know, he's like texting me during
the show saying, hey, I think the answer is Anthony
Lynn or something like him. That's sucking awful. You need
to block that number. Yeah. I don't want to be
a dick, but you know what you're on. You're on
a fucking podcast right now saying hey, if I didn't
give you your the number, don't contact all right, I'll
block him. Done block. Unbelievable, Such a prima donna. I

(46:26):
need so whenever, whenever we get our next TV gig,
I need twenty percent from you off of the top,
not on the back, and I need it off the
top next TV g Yeah, because it's gonna happen. Yeah alright,
well maybe, well, but there's enough TV channels now where
I think they could put us on a like one
in the morning or something like that. And uh, you know,

(46:47):
why not anywhere you can do that, right, They can
bring on the fourth Letter network can do that. They
bring on talent and just bury them in an overnight
hour like two or three o'clock in the morning. They
pay him hundreds of thousands of dollars. I know, I
know people were we're saying, why don't you simulcast the
radio show? Hey, I don't think the management would allow that,
but be I don't know. I mean, if they paid enough,

(47:10):
I would be open. How that's easy to I just
put a camera in the studio and yeah, I talked
to you about watching that. I talked to you about
this last year. Yeah, and you're just like, no, I
don't want to be on camera radio, you know. And
it's I feel like part of the magic of radio
is you don't really know what's going on in the
magic radio boss. You think you know, but when you
put cameras in there, suddenly you know. Yeah, you know

(47:30):
what I'm saying. But to be fair, you've got a
lot of people they're driving it at those late hours,
or they just can't sleep. I think if they had
an opportunity to watch you and watch the show. I
think they would do that. Yeah, but when you know TV,
it's lights, camera action, you know that whole thing. And
cheat just to me that you don't want to get
dressed up, you don't want to comb your hair? No,

(47:50):
I listen to everyone's got a price, and I would
certainly be willing to clean up if the price was right.
I think we all would. But there's that there's that thing.
There was a study, that famous study the I think
it was the the Hawthorne effect right where people observed

(48:12):
they their behavior changes there, they're increasing. What's the other
trying to get the other study off the top of
my head, um where oh, when you put a camera
changes everything? You know what I'm saying. I forget the
there's a study that was done years ago about I
forget the term off to look it up. But but anyway, alright,

(48:33):
So glamour shots gas guard. Yeah, so you are such
a Hollywood fuck that you have these glamor shots. You're
a man. You women do the glamor shots, not men, No,
I mean I think we all do it, I think,
And then you send them to my my wife like, hey,
look at this she got She was asking for him
and she the audio was great. I sent her a

(48:55):
couple of voice reels and she would love those. I
think I got glowing remarks from her. Um, And I
think in a roundabout way, this actually motivated you to
activate your Instagram account. So it's kind of all going
back to me not doing it for me, but doing
it for you, the uplifting, the motivating, the encouragement, the poking,

(49:15):
the prodding, like I am the doctor that's not certified
as an m D for you, Like I'm not a
PhD in medicine, but I am your PhD for your career.
And I think you owe me a round of applause.
I think you owe me a lot, because a lot
you're like, you're you're no different than weed man hands.
You get your hand out asking for stuff you've done nothing.

(49:37):
I think I haven't gotten paid at all for doing this.
I think none of this. It's been a nuisance. It's
been a pain in my ass. It's you're giving me
a nightmare having to do this show every week with you. Listen,
it's uh so fifty two posts so far on your
Instagram account, which is great, Um, and you're actually posting
pictures of where you're at who you're with. You had
a fat head picture with you and and Coop and Eddie,

(50:00):
which is great a couple trying to I'm trying to
up my game. It's tough, man. I'm an ugly middle
aged talk show so that doesn't overnight talk show. I
would think any guys that listen to show are going
on there look at booty models, t n A. That's
what they want to see. They want to see me. Well,
do you go on Instagram? What do you look at
it for? I don't really go on Instagram very much.
I'm starting to, but I ever where I look, there's

(50:20):
somebody doing yoga in uh in yoga pants, bending over
and showing their ask to everybody. That's what That's what
it is. Maybe your followers want to do that, Maybe
they want to see you in yoga. Well I said
that the other day that I have to get my
banana hammock out and have some fun with that. But
I haven't done that yet. We can see on the
rooftop of like uh, you know, Vasquez Rocks or or

(50:41):
somewhere else on the mountain side, just doing uh, doing
nude yoga and tai chi. Ben Maller overnight radio host. Yeah, alright,
So just I forget the name of the study, but
I got a little clip here that I I found
on the internet, Guesco. I was just google it, and
it says that social science, research and folk wisdom agree
that being watch change his behavior. When people know they're

(51:03):
being recorded, they tend to clean up their act, that
they steal, less, act nicer, that kind of stuff. So
that means, well, I guess that works for you then,
because with with television, Yeah, because television is more formatted
and it's more I mean, like I can't like pick
my nose and uh, you know, and I can't lay
back like I'm in a lazy boy chair if I'm

(51:23):
on TV. Although Mike Francesa did all those things, right,
Mike Francesa did all those things. He didn't care about
any of that. And well, in the studio that you
work out of usual it's darkly lit, yes, yes, and
TV would be bright lights and oh man, yeah, nose
powdered and you'd have to be a suit and were
nice shoes and take off your hat. Well, I don't

(51:45):
have to take your hat off. You can leave the
hat on it. Well, it depends, well, we'll see whatever
we negotiate, we'll make sure that you're dressed accordingly, because
you're like, unless they're giving me a marv Albert rugg
I'm gonna wear a hat. You know, wait, why just
because you know are you? Are you receiving pretty bad? Well? No,
I mean it's fine, I mean it's whatever. But you know,

(52:06):
my head, guy, is it a bad comb over? I'm
known as a head that's bad, bad col cobo or
whatever you comb over? That's fine. Alright, movie, So you
got these glamoursho why do you do How much do
you spend? My wife said, you spend five grand on
these glamors? Spend five grand on that? You did not nothing,

(52:27):
not even in the thousands. Why would it be in
the thousands? Listen, because professionally done glamour shots in l
A where it's Hollywood and all that. Yeah, people want
to see a couple of head shots. They want to
match a name with the face, they want to match
a name with a voice, and so you gotta do
these things. You're gonna have you ever thought about doing
a funny head shot to try to stand out from
the crowd. Yeah, there a funny outfit or something like that. Yeah,

(52:51):
I did take a couple of pictures that were like that.
One of them, the photographer had some some southern attire
and so he's like, hey, you got your beard on
right now, why don't you shave it? And I had
a handlebar mustache, look like a great redneck. It was
a great redneck look. But you are your family is

(53:11):
a bunch of rednecks, so it would make sense. That's
not true. I got family from Los Angeles, family from Boston.
There's nothing from the down South area. So there's some
rednecks out in the burbs of Boston in correct. Well life,
come on, not not my family. They were, they were
up there. They were like the Cambridge area there is.
It's a joke. Cambridge, a little Harvard money there, a

(53:33):
little royalty. Damn it. You're yes, you are. I hate you.
What's you don't like head shots? You don't like the
glamour shots? You don't like He's ridiculous. It's that you're
like a woman or somebody but a dude getting glamour
shots and then you're like so proud of them, which
I don't understand. I'm not. It's one thing to do

(53:53):
them because you have to do them, but then to
pump your chest out and be like a peacock. I mean,
what are we doing with that peacock nonsense? I don't
need that. First of all, I'm not on on all
these social media platforms like you're on. Second of all,
I don't broadcast all these head shots and all these
yes you do your hell, dummy, you're talking to a

(54:15):
microphone right now. You're the one that brought it up.
You thought it would be low as that you are,
so you are so flamboyant. Wanted me like a pinata,
and I just said, fine, Like I will be your
piniata for the day. I'll be battering ram. It's fine
if you want to what guest gans like. He prances around,
he's like on the catwalk when he's in the studio.

(54:36):
Look at my clothing, hallelu yeah, look at this. Well,
because I'm the best dressed guy in here, that doesn't
mean ship. There you go, see the narcissist rags. That's
why guys got like holes in their jeans and barely
wearing shoes and have like a cut up, ripped up
shirt and it's wrinkled. What what you know? Most jobs
you get in media are not because of what you

(54:58):
look like or how good you are. No, no, no no,
that's bullshit. That's true. Everything everywhere I've been, every job
I've gotten, I either you knew somebody. It's never been
because of my talent. I have no talent because I
knew somebody. There's plenty of people that got worked because
of the way they looked. There are people on TV
and radio who are god awful who were on there
because either their agent knows somebody, or they know somewhere

(55:19):
because they look fantastic, or they played in football fifty
years ago or whatever that Those are the other ways
you get on every in the NBA or whatever. What
do you want for me? I'm just playing the I'm
playing the game like you told me to. So you're
a ray of sunshine, is what you are? Thank you
very much. Finally, uh compliment from Ben Mallory A ray
of sunshine right next to the nuclear reactor for Chernobyl.

(55:41):
Yes that's what you are, alright, So on the Graham
real quick. So I'm on Instagram now is Gascon reference there?
And I'm trying to figure it out and I'm just
I guess you just have to post a lot of photos.
That's it, just post a lot of photos. I have noticed,
Gastar that people seem pretty nice on Instagram, which I like.
Twitter's a cesspool everyone, it's an asshole, fuck you, you

(56:01):
know and all this. I'm going to war now with
Houston again over the cheating astros. But on Instagram, everyone's
been pretty nice. They're they're pretty cool, and they seem
to be happy with the dumb photos I'm posting there.
No one's calling me out for being ugly, so I'm
happy about that, and I'm I'm good. So you got
So you've got photos on there, you have videos that
you can post, and you also have Instagram Stories if
you like to as well, which are basically like twenty

(56:23):
four hour snippets of an event that you can post
on there as well too. So if you clicked on
your face, there's a plus sign on it and allows
you to post a video or a picture. Maximum length
is fifteen seconds long, but you can post as many
as possible within a twenty four hour period. So if
you want to get someone a quick little you know,
quick little I don't want to say, how do you

(56:45):
want to say? It? Like a little flirtation of what
you're doing for the day, A little fling you can
provide them with that. That's good. That's good a girl.
So you got three different ways, So there's a way
I can do that, and then but that will be
time sensitive, and then it will be no one will
go back. And if I say, hey, coming up on
the show tonight and I put that on Instagram, that'll
be good for about three hours and then all of
a sudden, that's you know, right, who's gonna watch it?

(57:06):
So if you want to do an Instagram story, you
can do that. It's a great tease to what you're
gonna do later on that night, and people stay tuned,
they'll be engaged. So yeah, a couple. So I could
like record fifteen seconds of you blowing kisses to yourself
and then I could put that on Instagram. Actually, you
can do it for a lot longer than that. They're
just in fifteen second increments, so yes, okay, maximize that. Yeah,

(57:28):
all right, So I'm excited about the Instagram and I
please follow me. I gotta I just started paying attention
to this. So I have an embarrassingly low number of
people that follow me on Twitter. Based on the amount
of people that download this podcast and listen to the
radio show. It's quite embarrassing, but I'm okay with me
because I'm new to Twitter and I don't have a
big booty and boobs and all that stuff. So that's
usually how you get a lot of followers on Twitter.
But are we fun to be like an Instagram influencer?

(57:50):
You know, you get paid for that. How many people
do I have to have follow me? Because right now
I have like five? How many people do I need
to become an Instagram, um, like influencer and just get paid.
I heard there's a Super Bowl commercial that's coming out
this year with mostly influencers. Yeah. But see, here's the thing.
It doesn't matter how many followers you have at the moment.
It's about like your kind of products. So you're in

(58:11):
the sports and entertainment industry, you can easily reach out
to someone that's online for social media purposes and say, hey,
this is the medium that I work in. Let me
sponsor or sponsor me, let me advertise your product or
whatever it may be, and um, you'll watch my audience grow.
So you can always reference your Twitter account and your
Facebook account too, So if people just are looking only

(58:33):
at your Instagram account just say hey, this is brand new.
You can populate that information to the other social media.
There you go, look at you guess can All right,
so pimp myself out on the gram. Yeah, I mean
you start making more money on Instagram that you do
on this fucking podcast, I'll kill you. Well, if I
made one dollar, would they keep more money than I

(58:53):
make on the podcast? Pro We should change the name
from the fifth Hour to the pro Bono is what
we should do, is the name of the podcast. Not
that I'm complaining gascon No, no, no, that would be
wrong to complain. Yeah, you don't complain. No, I don't
you complain. I don't I get to complain. Fox Sports
Radio has the best sports talk lineup in the nation.

(59:13):
Catch all of our shows at Fox sports Radio dot
com and within the I Heart Radio app search f
s R to listen live. You can plain all the time. Yeah,
but that's good at complaining. I am. I'm very modest
over here and down to earth, and I don't complain,
right right, You're not assuming that's what I am until
you get on the national airwaves of Fox Sports Radio.
I'm courteous, I'm respectful. You're nothing of that, I got

(59:36):
a very angry email from a guy in Houston, which
I loved because I've been doing nothing but just attacking
the astros over the last week and the guys like
he's and I'm paraphrasing, he's like, you're such an asshole too,
like jose Al tuo A and Bregman and he then
he used a derogatory term about our friend in Brooklyn
and Blair and Maine and uh, you know, you're like,

(59:59):
you know, he's like, you're driving the short bust with
the You're nice to the people to call the show
and there, but you idiots and you know, use all
these horrific terms to people. I call it, you know what.
I'm like, You're kind of right. I like the people
that call the show. I'm I'm more I'd rather hang
out with them than you know, the Altuba and those
other guys. Now, I'm not a I'm not a star
effort like like Jerry Jones and and all that stuff.

(01:00:22):
I'm one of the things I like. I don't. I
try not to canonize human beings like I don't uh,
you know, teams I like. I will be enthusiastic about
the players on my teams, but I try to keep
that in check for the most part. But there's a
lot of these other people that are just fanboys in
the media and just worship these athletes, and I find

(01:00:43):
that nauseating. I just I find that horrific, and so
I try not to try not to do that. They
wave the pompons and then they get access to future stuff,
and that's how this game. Oh that's true. I would
be much more successful if I kissed everyone's ass, like
you know, give these guys a bubble bath like out
of the media does. I would be included at these

(01:01:03):
these different events and all that stuff. Wait till super
Bowl Week. I'll be watching from afar here while those
guys are busy drawing bubble bass for the people that
are coming by selling sneakers and all that other stuff.
I will be throwing no bouquets and anybody super Bowl week.
So we have we have a choice here. We have
a fok in the road. Giscon We can either do
study this or grab bag, which are listener questions submitted

(01:01:27):
by fans of the show. So which direction should we go?
I think it's up to you, because I am I
am running out of time. As we speak. So I
think I think we should go with fan grab back.
All right, grab back, we grab back. We'll study this.
We'll do for next week cause Guestcon's gotta go put
some lipstick on or something like that. Actual questions by
actual listeners. I'll skip through this, all right. Well, here's

(01:01:47):
Mark from Ottawa. He says, which would you pick? One
million dollars or free food for life and the ability
to eat whatever you want, always remain fit, and never
have it impact your health. So I'll go first. I
will take the free food for life. Now I don't
even eat that much, but I would eat a hell

(01:02:08):
of a lot more if it wouldn't affect my health
and I wouldn't gain weight and all that stuff and
and have bad you know, things happen to me because
like a million dollars sounds good, but you gotta pay
taxes on it and all that. So I think the
free food for life and the ability to not have
to worry about that impacting your health is I'd eat
nothing but the cheese, steaks and the I mean, I'd

(01:02:28):
eat great. No chance for me. I'm taking a million dollars.
I'll take the tax hit. I will invest it. I'll
buy real estate. I'll invest in the market. Real estate
markets great right now. The economy is great. Stock markets tremendous.
I invested the thing, and I make a million turn
into a lot more than that. I'd be eating a
lot of food. And if it's free food for life,
I'd be giving out food to people. They'd be paying

(01:02:49):
me money, so I'd make more than a million dollars.
A christ from Iowa writes, and he says, where did
Mark the full name Guy go? I love hearing him
all call in. Let's have him and whoopee I Blair
battle out and be hilarious. Well, Mark the full Name
Guy moved to Medford, Oregon, Chris, and he has a
day job, so he actually is working. He was homeless
when he started calling the show. That's why he was

(01:03:10):
so angry. But he's got a job now. His life's
going well and he is not able to call his
off and he stays up maybe once a week to
call in. That's why he only calls in that off.
Uh Dale from Lancaster City, Pennsylvania, Amish Country says, if
you had to fire someone from the show, who would
it be? I know who would be? No? You don't.

(01:03:35):
I wouldn't, you know, I wouldn't fire anybody pretty much.
Let these guys do whatever they want. They walk all
over me, so I I do my own thing, they
do their own thing. I don't. I wouldn't fire anybody.
I've been fired. I don't want to fire anybody. I'd
like some people to work better, but I wouldn't fire anybody.
You know, I can understand that. Uh let's see here.
Pat from Winter Park, Florida says, why do all odd

(01:03:56):
numbers have the letter E in them? I don't uh
loope in soap castas mallam Militia meet up Southern California.
When's it's happening? I think we should schedule something. What
do you think, like maybe April in like Santa Anita
or something like that. What do you think that would
be great? Yeah, it would be a good spot, or
any I mean anywhere, if anybody's owns if you own

(01:04:17):
a restaurant, you're in the militia in Southern California, own
a restaurant or you you know somebody that owns the restaurant.
You want us to come out and hang out your place?
Let us know, you know, we'll do it. I love
to do. What what were you laughing? What are you snicker?
Why is it always about food? Well, where do you
get to get what? You gonna go to church and
get together with the Malley militia? About a casino? What about?

(01:04:38):
What about Hustler's casino in Los Angeles? Compton? Yeah? Why not? Yeah,
let's all meet in Compton. That's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna go to Compton. You said you went to
a funeral in south central Los Angeles. Who cares? Well?
I have been to a funeral in Sustati. But that's
paying my respects to the dead. Oh boy, that was
an open casket one too. I can imagine. Oh my god,

(01:05:00):
what a nightmare that was? All right? What else? We
got a few more? Because I know you got a
jam here. Let's see, I want to pick out some
good ones. Mark from New Hampshire says, in honor of
Sean the hood guy, what's the worst legal trouble you
guys have been in. I've not been in much legal trouble. Uh.

(01:05:20):
You know a few incidents have happened where I had
to talk to police about stuff when I was younger,
but no, I've never been yeah, No, I haven't been
any legal trouble. I've been. You know, when you're back
in like college, you get ship happening. Like I went
to San Diego State, so cops would show up at
parties and start questioning people and seeing who's under twenty

(01:05:41):
one who's not. And when I was in San Jose,
I was at a college. I was in junior college.
Saddleback was playing in the Junior college State Championship tournament
San Josette cat San Jose State, and there was no
parking around the arena, and we had all this radio equipment,
this big bulky radio equip man, and so uh, my

(01:06:04):
my friends like, He's like, I can't park here because
it's like two hour parking whatever. So he dropped the
stuff off, and then when we were leaving, he wanted
me to put it to save the space so we
could pull up and we could put the equipment. And
so I put this radio equipment from KSPR, the college
radio station, out on the to save the parking place,
right so no one could park there. And this woman, uh,

(01:06:26):
this woman pulls up very angry. She starts backing into
the parking space. She's gonna run over the equipment, right,
So I go out and I'm like, I'm in a panic.
I'm seeing my life flash in front of me because
this is my college radio equipment. They told me that
if this does not come back perfect, I might as
well not come back because I'll be dead. And so

(01:06:49):
this person is backing into the equipment. So I run
out and I slapped my hands on the hood of
the car to get them to stop. Then her kids
get out and start yelling at me. She gets out,
starts yelling at me. She calls the police, trying to
press charges because I hit her car, and unfortunately the
police officers like, well, there's no damage to the car,

(01:07:10):
so he talked her out of it. But that that
was one time I was like, what's going on with this? Right?
That's what I say, Man, you can't get in trouble
gascon though, because you're pops. Man, your pops will be like,
hey yeah, even though he's no doubt about it. Uh,
let's see here, Dan, and Kalamazuski says, can you rip

(01:07:32):
Peyton Manning for a minute. No, we don't have that time, damn.
But I will tell you The Dark Side documentary is great.
It's still on YouTube. You can learn all about how
Peyton Manning came back from next fusion surgery to throw
fifty five double nickel touchdowns. That's right. Uh, see who
else do we have? I'm trying to see what else
is good here? Page down, page down? See can't read

(01:07:53):
that one on the air. Uh. Here's one from Colin
and Denvery says, what are your favorite sports mascots? And
how does Gascon have a job. Let's take that second half, Gaston,
how do you have a job? I work hard, I'm diligent,
I'm nice, I'm respectful of a good idea of sports.
I have a good idea of the media. I'm a
former athlete. I've got two degrees, two of them that

(01:08:15):
Ben does not have. This is the narcissist. I have
the degree. I have two degrees guest guard, School of
hard Knocks and the streets. Right, you grew up in Anaheim.
I didn't grow up in anna Newport, in Irvine, very dangerous,
very white collar. You know how many kills they have

(01:08:35):
in Irvine Here it is a blood beat. It's one
of the lowest crime rates in the entire There are
so many gangs get Irvine. It's not out of Control
where I grew up White not a planned community at all.
Silver Spoon Mallory Wow again west of the four oh
five Gascon west of the four h five Gaston. I

(01:08:56):
want to point that my favorite mascots to the Philly
Fanatic and Chuck the Condor Philly for attics. Great Mr
Metz up there. Uh yeah, I like a lot of
the mascots, Billy the Marlin. Have some photos with Billy
and the Marlin from back in the day. Mr Betts Good,
I'm a bias, but I'm a big fan of Bailey
Elly King's mascot. Billy is cool. I like Bailey. Bailey
follows me on Twitter, so I'm a fan of Bailey. Wally.

(01:09:18):
The Green Monster is not bad at Finway, although kind
of a version of Cookie Monster except green. I've noticed that. Yeah,
I'm I'm a big, big fan of the maskets. I
don't really like the Rams mascot because the Rams mascots
like in good shape. You know. I like mascots to
be fat. I think mascot should be fat and jolly,
not skinny and buff. And you know what I mean,

(01:09:39):
no doubt. All right, here's one more from John in Corona.
He says, here's what the Malarmos is considering to replace
David Gascon. Who would you choose to replace him? And
he he lists weed Man, Hippy, Marcel and Brooklyn Skeeer
in Montana, Ralph Irvin, wreck It Ralph, MGM, John Blair

(01:10:00):
in Maine, or Barbecuing Lynn all characters part of the show.
I would probably take Skeeter in Montana, old guy, season guy,
veteran guy. I think he would work hard. Weed Man
wouldn't show up to work and would be high as
a kite. Marcel would be waiting for Uncle Dynamite to
tell him what to do. Wreckord, Ralph's a pain in

(01:10:22):
my ass. MGM. John, he doesn't stay on hold that long,
so I don't think he would have the focus it takes.
Blair and Maine would demand too much money and Barbecuing
Lenn wouldn't show up. Because Lenn said he was gonna
show up to that Mallard meet and greet in Seattle,
the Mallard Man March, he didn't show up, So I
would go with Skeeter in Montana. Yeah. I don't really
have a lot of people that can fill my shoes,

(01:10:43):
so you can. I mean, there's tons that can can
fill your shoes. It's not true. John the Jayli says,
have you seen the Aaron Hernandez documentary There Killer Inside?
I have not. I plan on watching it this weekend,
so I'll let you know how it is. But I'm
looking forward to I know a lot of the story.
I was on the w E I and I know

(01:11:04):
the guys on that morning show that I'm interested to
see what the story is. My wife doesn't know the story,
so she'll watch it. I'm excited for it. I want
to see what happens behind the curtains. This one Aaron
Hernandez and also Jeffrey Epstein. That documentary is coming out
soon too. I know this, so I'm gonna enjoy what
we got in terms of the investigations and all the

(01:11:26):
background stuff. One more, one more funal one from Derek
the E sports guy in Boston. He says, if you
had to choose between Coop removing your goal bladder high
or Roberto removing your goal bladder drunk off of tequila,
which one would you choose? Gotta be Coop, yeah, because
Coop would be mellow and he'd go slow. Roberto would

(01:11:46):
be sloppy, right, when Roberto's hammered, like a lot of us,
he would just man right, he'd be loud, he would
be sloppy, he'd be I probably wouldn't be able to
locate your gallbladder. Coop high would be matha to cold.
He'd be meticulous, he'd concentrate. So he's like Coops. You
know again, he could calm. But there's like four kinds

(01:12:07):
of drunks, right, when you drink a lot, there's four
types of drunks. Like he's Roberto is like a Mr. Hyde, right,
he's more hostile, a little less responsible. Yeah, Roberto is
like fight guy when he's in toxic kid Coop. When
he's high, he's just he's laid back. He's got no
worries in the world. Yeah, he's like Mary Poppins. He's sweet, happy,
you know. Alright, So I think we're done right because

(01:12:29):
you have things to do and you don't want to
do the rest of it. So we study this is out,
no study this. We don't have that we don't have.
Don't stick to sports. You're short changing the audience. Guest,
gon to go try to sell some bananas whatever, as
long as I get paid for it, right, Yeah, alright, anyway,
have a great week and try the other podcast. I
know this one was up a little later than normal
because we actually recorded it the same day, but anyway,

(01:12:51):
I have a great weekend. We'll be back after the
a f C, NFC Championship games on the radio. Want
to point out Guestcon could have worked on that show
chose not to work with me, thank god. But we
will have that coming up Sunday night and the Monday.
Have a great weekend. I'll catch you next time.