August 11, 2024 • 29 mins
Ben Maller (produced by Danny G) has a Sunday special from Boston! What's the life cycle of an award winning monologue? Plus, multiple Words/Phrases of the Week!
Download, subscribe, and remember that sharing is caring (unless it's an STD.) Follow Danny G. @DannyGradio and Ben on Twitter @BenMaller and listen to the original terrestrial radio edition of "Ben Maller Show," Monday-Friday on Fox Sports Radio, 2a-6a ET, 11p-3a PT!...Follow, rate & review "The Fifth Hour!"
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-fifth-hour-with-ben-maller/id1478163837
#BenMaller
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Kabbooms.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes
a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants
of the Old Republic, a soul fashion of fairness. He
treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the
rich pill poppers in the penthouse.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
The clearing House of Hot takes break free for something special.
The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now in the.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Air and everywhere. The Fifth Hour with Me, Big Ben
and Danny g Radio final day here on the East Coast.
I'm heading back to La La Land, have a very
early flight this morning, so I said, ah, and I'm
gonna get up when you shouldn't be awake, and I'm
(00:50):
gonna start talking into a microphone. And here we are
with this edition of The Fifth Hour. On Mountain Day,
not Mountain time zone Day. Today August eleventh, this Sunday
is Mountain Day. What the f is that? I don't
really know. I think it has something to do with
(01:11):
Japan Mountain Day, relatively new holiday. We are told there
aren't many traditions associated with because they just made it up.
The inaugural national ceremony form Mountain Day was held in
the Japanese Alps, so not that long ago. I don't
know how these things happen, but it is National Mountain Day,
(01:33):
so celebrate accordingly, foh drizzle. On this podcast, we'll get
to engagement farming. Also, I have been remiss over the weekend.
Here we have not gotten to the word of the week,
or in this case, we'll have multiple words of the week.
(01:55):
But we begin with this after many many days of
messages coming in regarding a recent malad monologue, well not
even that recent three year old mal monologue that still
has legs, I would like to present to you, the
home consumer here on the fifth hour, the single biggest
(02:16):
board that we have done. It is Big Bend's Big
Board of viral monologue moments, otherwise known as engagement farming. Yes,
we are in the engagement farming business. We are paid
to engage. That is out of necessity because we have
bills to pay. But the fact is doing an overnight
(02:39):
sports radio show. And you know how this works by
consuming the product that we work in a disposable form
of entertainment. We do all right, So say it is
every single day there's a new fire to put out,
there's a new outrage that we must discuss in the
(02:59):
world sports. And ultimately, it is a fungible situation that
more times than not, I will do a mal monologue
and then all of a sudden it pops out there
into the microphone, into your ear drums, and you chew
it up and you spit it out. Maybe you like it.
(03:21):
Maybe it didn't hit the mark for you. It wasn't
to your taste. Everyone's taste buds are different. You didn't
see eye to eye with the mal monologue. But that's it. Ultimately,
it's done right. You think of it in the same
context of tissue. You gotta blow your nose, You need
a tissue. When you're done blowing your nose, you throw
the tissue away. How about you go to the bathroom.
(03:42):
You like that toilet paper, right, use the toilet paper,
take care of business, and then eventually you're like, all right,
I'm done with that, and da hey, goodbye. You flush
it away, go fast food. We'll get some ketchup. You
will pack it the ketchup. Maybe get some honey mustard
sauce with your chicken. Okay, use it up, and when
(04:02):
it's done, you have to throw it away. How about
a plastic fork. Maybe you went out to get some
nice Chinese food and Panda Express and you're like, all right,
I'll use one of the plastic forks there, and then
you're done with it. You throw it away. How about
a cupcake? You want a cupcake, You wrap that cupcake
in that little wrapper. You're done with that. Boom, eat
the cupcake, throw that thing away. So the point is,
(04:22):
get to the point, please that often these monologues are
just background noise. They're elevator music. You skip through them
without missing a beat, and that's it. We're done. That's all.
But every once in a while that is not the case. Now,
the normal lifespan of a Mallard monologue, I know you're
curious about this. How long does it last? How long
(04:45):
does that malar monologue list? I'll tell you so, the
average Mallard monologue lifespan is anywhere from a couple of
hours to twenty four to forty eight hours. I would
argue I've done this for a long time that the
malar monologue on average, the lifespan is that of a waterfly. Now,
(05:06):
if you're unfamiliar in the entire span of the planet,
the mayfly, waterfly has the shortest lifespan of just about
anything on the planet, meaning the average lifespan of a
mayfly these waterflies is less from less than five minutes
(05:27):
to one to two days, from less than five minutes
to one to two days. So the average if you're
living a long life as a waterfly, the may fly
you're living forty eight hours. You've lived a long, full,
complete life, and then it's time to check out. So
the point is they don't last very long. But as
we said, every now and again, every now and again
(05:52):
we paint an oil painting a masterpiece. Doesn't happen often,
but it does happen, and it normally happens when you
least suspected everyone's feeling all groovy after a great monologue,
but you're like, well, I don't know, did that really resonate?
And I bring this up because when that happens, we
go from a waterfly that doesn't live more than two
(06:15):
days to a sequoia tree in the mighty Redwood forests
of California and those living metaphorically for two thousand years.
Those giant sequoia trees are some of the greatest things
you can see as a human being being around the planet,
and those things live for two thousand years. So without
(06:37):
further ado, we now present the most comprehensive, most important
big board. It's Big Benz big board, four leaf clover style.
These are the four Malar monologues that got turned into
the Mona Lisa of monologues, the gold standard. We crossed
(06:59):
the rubicon, clear sailing, smooth, open waters, as long as
you can, as far as you can see, as far
as you can see. So here they are now I
will present them in reverse order in honor of what
has transpired the last couple of weeks at this Olympic
event in Perie, and in the qundary of it all.
(07:22):
So number fall number four on Big Ben's big board,
four leaf clover style. These only four most memorable mal
monologues at this time. Now, maybe I'm forgetting something. You
can help me out, so pay close attention alf the
Alien Opiner and some of the other boys that have
been with the show for a long time. So number four,
(07:42):
I'm gonna put someone Biles in number four, and sim oone.
Biles is someone I've talked about maybe two or three
times in my life. She's not someone that I pay
close attention to. We do meat and potatoes, sports talk, gymnastics.
I don't know if you know this not eat and potatoes.
It's not. However, the rare and appropriate Malard monologue when
(08:07):
it pops up and there's something going on involving Simone
Biles and there's not much else out there, then we
will put that in the microwave. We'll heat it up,
take it out, We'll enjoy it, We'll partake in the feast.
So Simone Biles is, I've told a very good Olympic gymnast.
She also quit back in twenty twenty one in a
tremendously embarrassing move there for Simone Biles and Team USA gymnastics.
(08:31):
So I did at Malar monologue. I pointed it out,
and over the last almost a month now, I've been
getting messages. Even when I was in Vegas last weekend
at the Malor Meet and greet, hanging out with the people,
got several messages from people that stumbled into the monologue
who wanted to say hello. People I've worked with in
(08:53):
the past, people that I haven't talked to in years.
They still have my number and they're sending me messages.
And so the Simone Biles monologue was something I did,
as I said, twenty twenty one, but it has been
immortalized because of a documentary, a docuseriies on Simone Biles
on Netflix. So on this one, I've been getting some
(09:15):
wokester dudes and a lot of angry middle aged women
in a fury defending their hero. They love Simone Biles.
How dare anyone have a dissenting opinion about the Olympic
gymnast quitting on her teammates in twenty twenty one? So
(09:37):
I'm getting these messages and people are going to great
lengths to try to get a hold of me, tracking
down email addresses, ranting and raving about that social media platforms,
Oh no, hell, Bill Miller. The attacks are pretty elementary.
These women aren't that bright. They're not, and so they'll
(09:58):
they'll send messages like, hey, you know you're middle age,
you're fat, you don't have any hair, which is it's
what low information people do. We kind of know that
when you attack someone, you often look for weak spots.
That's how you do it, that's how you attack. And
(10:19):
so since they can't really attack the quality of the monologue,
what they do is they attack my vanity and they
attack my appearance and my place in life and all
that stuff. And I get it. I mean, these are
lazy people. These are people that sit around watch Netflix
documentaries all day. They don't have much of life. I
(10:39):
understand it. But I would like to thank the people
at Netflix for opening this up to think that I
did a monologue that I had not even thought about.
Why would I in all these years in twenty twenty one,
Here we are in twenty twenty four, and the monologue
is still alive. It's still got legs. That is a
(11:03):
Sequoia tree monologue that I'm getting angry messages from people
who I guess they might think they're not that bright.
They're kind of stupid people. Maybe they think that just happened.
It's a recent monologue. I don't know. You'd have to
ask them, but I did learn over the years there's
certain rules of etiquette that you have to follow. And
(11:25):
one of the big ones. We talk about this from
time to time. When you're at the beach on a
nice summer day, you're doing your thing, I just yeah,
having a good time. Well, the birds come over. They
want to eat, they want to have a nice meal.
And if you start feeding the seagulls. What happens is
(11:51):
one of those birds going tadda. Yes, you start feeding
the seagulls, and all of us sudden there's a bunch
more that come in, right, And so addressing trolls is
like feeding the seagulls. If you feed one, a dozen
more are going to appear all of a sudden, and
(12:12):
they're gonna there's gonna be convoys of seagulls that come in.
Let's call them seagulls, monsters, whatever you want. You feed
the monsters, and then you get more monsters that show up,
and they're just trying to get a reaction, and they
got no lives. And I get it. I understand. You're
in a tough spot in life. You've got nothing going on,
and you're watching Netflix documentaries by yourself, and you want
(12:34):
to defend your girls. Simone Biles, I am flattered. I
am honored. You do not understand Again, I go back
to my point in this business, what I do for
a living, I have Every day I come into my studio,
I get ready for the show, and my takes have
a lifespan of a mayfly. At the longest, it's usually
(12:56):
forty eight hours. So the fact that this is three
years old. God bless you, God bless you, and you're
so stupid you don't even realize that. Every time I
get one of these messages, I'm like, Wow, that is
such a great monologue. I need more of that. It's
amazing now. Number three on Big Ben's big board, four
leaf clover style. These are the four most memorable Mallard
(13:17):
monologues that created a reaction from those that attempted to
taunt and ridicule and shout disapproval my direction from their
burner email accounts and their fake social media accounts. Number
three We're gonna go all the way back.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
To the.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
Year twenty sixteen. I believe was some aer of twenty sixteen.
Some are of love the Cleveland Cadavers, the Cleveland Cavaliers
and Golden State Warriors in the NBA Finals, and I
went on a rant, and I went on a rant.
Golden State jumped out, they came out like gamebusters, and
I went on a rant. I pointed out that the
(13:56):
Cavaliers were not going to come back and beat the
Golden State Warriors in that NBA Finals. Summed it up,
spelled it out, the whole thing, and sure, enough, Sure
enough Teada. Yeah, the Cavaliers came back. And one the
reason this is in the top four big ben big board,
four leaf clover malard monologues that have a long lifespan
(14:19):
is that summer after the Calves won the title, a
couple days later, they had a parade in downtown Cleveland.
And if you come into my studio, the remote studio
that I broadcast from about half the time, if you
come in there and I record the podcast from the studio,
although I'm on the East coast today, but if you
go into the studio, you will see a photo of
(14:42):
a gentleman standing at the Calves parade. And in said photo,
he's holding up a large sign. And what is the sign? Say,
it's got I got boxes next to it and all that,
But it's regarding the people that did not believe in
(15:03):
the Cleveland Cavaliers' ability to come back against the Golden
State Warriors. Is that the championship parade, there's like a
million people in downtown Cleveland and this guy's going around
holding up this large poster board sign. It's got me
Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith side by side by side,
(15:24):
and I'm being compared to Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith,
people that you know, very similar pace structure, unless that's
not the case. But that's number three on Big Ben's
big board, the four leaf clover style of the four mona.
Lisa Malon monologues the gold Standard as I remember him
on this day, on this Sunday, the eleventh day of August.
(15:47):
Now number two shooting straight from the hip, A longtime
nemesis of you know who, someone that has annoyed us
for many, many years, is in the number two slot.
That would be The Cheating as Holes. We can say
(16:10):
it's a podcast, the Cheating as Holes. So back in
I think it was twenty nineteen when the story broke
Astros cheated in twenty eighteen. It wasn't until twenty nineteen.
I believe it was early in twenty nineteen that a
story came out on the Athletic about the cheating that
took place. It was either late twenty eighteen or early
(16:31):
twenty nineteen. I forget exactly when, but it was a
while after the twenty seventeen World Series that was sullied
forever by the team from Houston. So I had done
many rants. I rant and raped like an absolute buffoon
for many, many, many many days, and I still do
to this day. I bring it up at least once
a week, the cheating holes. So one of these monologues
(16:57):
went viral. It took off and had a life of
its own. Me barking like a dog into the microphone.
And it's number two on our slot, the cheating Astros mattelemonel.
The reason that's at number two is because I got
complaints from the Commissioner's Office of Major League Baseball. Rob Manford,
(17:21):
the face of Major League Baseball. The Commissioner's office, someone
in his office called the complaint to the mothership because
of my rant about the cheating astros going on and
on and on. So now I'm pretty sure Rob Manfraud
did not make the phone call, but someone underneath rob
(17:44):
Manfraud made the phone call running interference, running the naked
boot like they wanted the sound of silence from me
regarding my commentary about the cheating assholes. And so that's
number two. I just love that Major League Baseball, with
(18:05):
all the things they're supposed to worry about, that right
near the top of the list is silencing or trying
to silence the overnight radio guy. Because of his commentary
about the cheating Astro. It's just absolutely great. So that's
number three or number two rather number two, so again
(18:25):
the top top four. Number four is the Simone Biles
Netflix documentary where I'm still getting crapola from middle aged
women defending their girl their favorite gymnasts. Number three was
the Calves not only winning the championship against the Warriors,
but a guy going around in front of a million
plus people in Cleveland holding up a sign with my
(18:48):
face on it, right next to Skip Bayless and Steven A. Smith.
So that's number three. Number two the aforementioned cheating a
Stros Major League Baseball calling up to complain the Commissioner's
office with Rob Manford. I'm not sure who exactly called.
I just got it secondhand. They were not happy with
my work. And now no Burrow. Number one, all right,
(19:14):
so number one Top four four leaf clover Big Ben's
Big Board, Mala monologues. So we are going to now
go to pro Bouncy Ball, the pro Bouncy Ball Hall
of Fame in Springfield, Massachusetts. It is a dog eat
Dog world and man new Genobili popped up randomly list
(19:38):
of Hall of Famer not Hall of Famer came up,
man who Genobili's name was on there? We said, not
a Hall of Famer, And you would have thought that
we had started a nuclear war. You would have thought that, right,
this was some kind of war crime. They need to
call a war tribunal to attack us. So this got
(19:59):
picked up first of all by a TV station in
San Antonio, I remember that, and then within a couple
of days it was all over Argentina. Now how do
I know that? Much like the middle aged women. Mostly
there's a few wokes to men, but middle aged women
that are sending me nasty messages. Because of the Netflix
(20:20):
documentary about Simone Biles, where I'm included in that, you
also have the mad Genobili Hall of Fame conversation. And
I was getting messages from people in Spanish. Now I
speak Spanguish, I don't speak Spanish. I know a little
bit of broken Spanish and that's about it. So I'm
(20:40):
getting all of these messages and I was like, what
is this about. I couldn't understand them. I was using
Google Translate. They were like something about Genobili and they
were attacking me and my character and all that stuff.
So I was like what is this about? And eventually
I figured it out because I was getting sent links
from the local TV news in Argentina that this was
(21:00):
such an outrageous take, going against all of the sensibilities
of the people there in Argentina, that they immortalized me
and put me on the nightly news in Argentina, that
my monologue resonated so much about Manu Genobil and I
do believe that's not like a made up take, like
(21:22):
I do believe it's not. I'm not being an extremist here.
It is my belief that Manu Gerobili, if you had
real standards in the Hall of fame, you would say,
not a hall of fame. But they don't really do
that anymore. They let everyone and they've always sid Muffin MacGrath.
We make the joke Muffin mcgras's Hall of Famer. The
precedent has been set where the doors are open, come
(21:46):
on down, knock yourself out. There's not a lot of
vetting process, So Manu Ginobili not a hall of famer.
Not want my cup of tea that rant. To this day,
I still get messages in Spanish, so I've got the
the housewives on one hand, or the cat lady on
one hand. That's got all the anger, all the rage
(22:07):
about my Simone Biles take. And then you've got the
Manu Gernobili crowd in Spanish. And I still get cheating
Asstro defenders. For example, sir scratch off that weasel who
claims to be a Cardinal fan, but I think he's
a closeted fan of the assholes, and he'll send me
a messages very upset about that. I don't hear as
(22:27):
much from the people with Cleveland anymore. The Calves have
fallen back and they're just kind of eh playoff team,
but not a real threat in the Eastern Conference. So
there it is. Big Ben's big board four leaf clover style,
the four monologues that do not have the lifespan of
a mayfly up to forty eight hours. These are the
(22:49):
mala monologues that are forever monologues, like the mighty Sequoia
trees in California. They go up, up, and away, the
four le clover style Simone Biles number three, the Calves
won't win a title, the cheating as stros at number two.
At number one, the manus you're nobly not a Hall
(23:11):
of famer. Now again, that's not a list. Wrong, don't
send me an email, Terry in England and some of
the other idiots. Not a list, not a list, it
is merely a big board. Wrong time. Now for the
word all the weekly, a phrase of the week, thank you, ohial.
The phrase of the week is cutting corners. Now there
(23:34):
is always pet peeve. I always pet peeve of mine.
I'm a big believer that you put an honest day's
work in. You don't cut corners. Now, I realize that
certain people will try to do things as quickly as
possible to mitigate the amount of time being used. You
could argue that is cutting corners. But we're smarter, not harder.
(23:54):
That's counter argument to that. But let's go way back.
In the eighteenth century. Carpenters would use a ribbon at
the end of a completed piece or work, and they
would do that to signify that the project was done.
It's like here, I am, I'm done. I'm putting a
little ribbon on there. The practice gave rise to the
phrase cutting corners because in order to get into whatever
(24:18):
they were doing, you had to cut the corner off.
So cutting corners meaning to do something also poorly in
order to save time or money. The phrase is also
used by hunters. For example, in the English Etiquette Guide
in their instructions writers, they are instructed to follow the
line of the hounds and to not cut corners unless
(24:43):
they are well behind the hounds. Then you are allowed
to cut corners. Otherwise you or not. So a couple
different meetings there, But cutting corners comes from carpenters and
also English hunting etiquette. So cutting corners the phrase or
word all the week, and since we did not do
(25:04):
this on Friday or Saturday, we must add a bonus,
a bonus phrase. You know what. I have a couple
I found here recently, So I'd like to share with
the class, if you would so oblige me, number number two.
Number two, that would be in the same boat. Now
(25:27):
we're in the same boat. We both got a lot
of homework, right, we're in the same boat. What a nightmare?
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah. Al right, so in the
same boat. What the heck does in the same boat mean?
I am glad you have asked so in the same boat.
It goes back to ancient times. People who lived near
bodies of water frequently used boats to get from island
(25:49):
to island or wherever they needed to go. So they
had to get on boats as transportation. But boats were
very small and very dangerous in those days, so in
order to go anywhere, you had to put your life
on the line to go on these crappy little boats,
unless you were an expert swimmer. And so the way
the boats would work in the olden days, in ancient times,
(26:12):
they would require everyone on board to work together to
keep the stability and keep the boat from capsizing, because
once the boat capsizes, that's it. You're done. And so
that necessity for teamwork, for cooperation among everyone on said vehicle,
(26:32):
that gave rise to the phrase which is still used
all of these years later, the same boat in the
same boat, meaning you're going through the same experiences. The
metaphor first appeared in the sixteenth century Britain and was
used to convey that people in the same boat share
(26:54):
the same fate. So in the same boat goes all
the way back to ancient time and also the sixteenth
century Britain is where that comes from. And I think
we can do one, one more, one more, a little
time left. Let's go to stuffed shirt. Stuffed shirt. Now,
(27:16):
during the nineteenth century nineteenth century, Scottish farmers created scarecrows
by dressing wooden steaks and clothes. We've all seen scarecrows
trying to scare away the birds. The practice led to
the phrase stuffed shirt, referring to someone who is very
rigid or formal in their demeanor. Now, others claim the
(27:40):
term stuffed shirt is an americanism that actually originated in
the early nineteen hundreds nineteen ten to nineteen fifteen, and
it was used to describe someone who is pompous, self satisfied, inflexible,
or overly formal. For example, you might say she's such
a stuffed shirt that I'm surprisedy you'd invite her to
(28:02):
the barbecue, something like that. Okay, that's it. The earliest
known use of the term stuff shirt is in writings
from nineteen thirteen by the novelist and short story writer
Willa Cathere. So that is it stuff shirt. So that's
if my math is correct, that's three for one. We're
(28:23):
on the cutting edge, the cutting edge of this. Now,
no mail bag. Today, I'm on the road. Danny G
is not here, so I thought we'd give the mail
bag a rest. But next weekend I will be back
in the Mothership and so we will have the mail bag.
You can send your questions in care of Real fifth
(28:44):
Hour at gmail dot com. That's Real fifth Hour at
gmail dot com, and we will read your comments on
the air and all that. Have a wonderful rest of
your son. Don't forget now. I'm flying back in a
few hours here from from Boston from Logan, Boston back
to LA so I got to stop over. I think
I'm stopping in Dallas at the airport. I don't even know.
(29:07):
But it's not a direct flight because you know, don't
make that kind of money. But we will provide you
travel willing, fresh audio content tonight and all week long.
And I should not be away from my post unless
assigned by management for the rest of the football season.
(29:27):
So have a wonderful time and we will catch you
next time here on the Fifth Hour with me and
Danny G, who is doing all the editing. And Danny
will be back he's doing the production value on this,
but he will be back with us next week. We'll
talk to you. Then gotta murder. I gotta go
Kabbooms.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes
a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants
of the Old Republic, a soul fashion of fairness. He
treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the
rich pill poppers in the penthouse.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
The clearing House of Hot takes break free for something special.
The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now in the.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Air and everywhere. The Fifth Hour with Me, Big Ben
and Danny g Radio final day here on the East Coast.
I'm heading back to La La Land, have a very
early flight this morning, so I said, ah, and I'm
gonna get up when you shouldn't be awake, and I'm
(00:50):
gonna start talking into a microphone. And here we are
with this edition of The Fifth Hour. On Mountain Day,
not Mountain time zone Day. Today August eleventh, this Sunday
is Mountain Day. What the f is that? I don't
really know. I think it has something to do with
(01:11):
Japan Mountain Day, relatively new holiday. We are told there
aren't many traditions associated with because they just made it up.
The inaugural national ceremony form Mountain Day was held in
the Japanese Alps, so not that long ago. I don't
know how these things happen, but it is National Mountain Day,
(01:33):
so celebrate accordingly, foh drizzle. On this podcast, we'll get
to engagement farming. Also, I have been remiss over the weekend.
Here we have not gotten to the word of the week,
or in this case, we'll have multiple words of the week.
(01:55):
But we begin with this after many many days of
messages coming in regarding a recent malad monologue, well not
even that recent three year old mal monologue that still
has legs, I would like to present to you, the
home consumer here on the fifth hour, the single biggest
(02:16):
board that we have done. It is Big Bend's Big
Board of viral monologue moments, otherwise known as engagement farming. Yes,
we are in the engagement farming business. We are paid
to engage. That is out of necessity because we have
bills to pay. But the fact is doing an overnight
(02:39):
sports radio show. And you know how this works by
consuming the product that we work in a disposable form
of entertainment. We do all right, So say it is
every single day there's a new fire to put out,
there's a new outrage that we must discuss in the
(02:59):
world sports. And ultimately, it is a fungible situation that
more times than not, I will do a mal monologue
and then all of a sudden it pops out there
into the microphone, into your ear drums, and you chew
it up and you spit it out. Maybe you like it.
(03:21):
Maybe it didn't hit the mark for you. It wasn't
to your taste. Everyone's taste buds are different. You didn't
see eye to eye with the mal monologue. But that's it. Ultimately,
it's done right. You think of it in the same
context of tissue. You gotta blow your nose, You need
a tissue. When you're done blowing your nose, you throw
the tissue away. How about you go to the bathroom.
(03:42):
You like that toilet paper, right, use the toilet paper,
take care of business, and then eventually you're like, all right,
I'm done with that, and da hey, goodbye. You flush
it away, go fast food. We'll get some ketchup. You
will pack it the ketchup. Maybe get some honey mustard
sauce with your chicken. Okay, use it up, and when
(04:02):
it's done, you have to throw it away. How about
a plastic fork. Maybe you went out to get some
nice Chinese food and Panda Express and you're like, all right,
I'll use one of the plastic forks there, and then
you're done with it. You throw it away. How about
a cupcake? You want a cupcake, You wrap that cupcake
in that little wrapper. You're done with that. Boom, eat
the cupcake, throw that thing away. So the point is,
(04:22):
get to the point, please that often these monologues are
just background noise. They're elevator music. You skip through them
without missing a beat, and that's it. We're done. That's all.
But every once in a while that is not the case. Now,
the normal lifespan of a Mallard monologue, I know you're
curious about this. How long does it last? How long
(04:45):
does that malar monologue list? I'll tell you so, the
average Mallard monologue lifespan is anywhere from a couple of
hours to twenty four to forty eight hours. I would
argue I've done this for a long time that the
malar monologue on average, the lifespan is that of a waterfly. Now,
(05:06):
if you're unfamiliar in the entire span of the planet,
the mayfly, waterfly has the shortest lifespan of just about
anything on the planet, meaning the average lifespan of a
mayfly these waterflies is less from less than five minutes
(05:27):
to one to two days, from less than five minutes
to one to two days. So the average if you're
living a long life as a waterfly, the may fly
you're living forty eight hours. You've lived a long, full,
complete life, and then it's time to check out. So
the point is they don't last very long. But as
we said, every now and again, every now and again
(05:52):
we paint an oil painting a masterpiece. Doesn't happen often,
but it does happen, and it normally happens when you
least suspected everyone's feeling all groovy after a great monologue,
but you're like, well, I don't know, did that really resonate?
And I bring this up because when that happens, we
go from a waterfly that doesn't live more than two
(06:15):
days to a sequoia tree in the mighty Redwood forests
of California and those living metaphorically for two thousand years.
Those giant sequoia trees are some of the greatest things
you can see as a human being being around the planet,
and those things live for two thousand years. So without
(06:37):
further ado, we now present the most comprehensive, most important
big board. It's Big Benz big board, four leaf clover style.
These are the four Malar monologues that got turned into
the Mona Lisa of monologues, the gold standard. We crossed
(06:59):
the rubicon, clear sailing, smooth, open waters, as long as
you can, as far as you can see, as far
as you can see. So here they are now I
will present them in reverse order in honor of what
has transpired the last couple of weeks at this Olympic
event in Perie, and in the qundary of it all.
(07:22):
So number fall number four on Big Ben's big board,
four leaf clover style. These only four most memorable mal
monologues at this time. Now, maybe I'm forgetting something. You
can help me out, so pay close attention alf the
Alien Opiner and some of the other boys that have
been with the show for a long time. So number four,
(07:42):
I'm gonna put someone Biles in number four, and sim oone.
Biles is someone I've talked about maybe two or three
times in my life. She's not someone that I pay
close attention to. We do meat and potatoes, sports talk, gymnastics.
I don't know if you know this not eat and potatoes.
It's not. However, the rare and appropriate Malard monologue when
(08:07):
it pops up and there's something going on involving Simone
Biles and there's not much else out there, then we
will put that in the microwave. We'll heat it up,
take it out, We'll enjoy it, We'll partake in the feast.
So Simone Biles is, I've told a very good Olympic gymnast.
She also quit back in twenty twenty one in a
tremendously embarrassing move there for Simone Biles and Team USA gymnastics.
(08:31):
So I did at Malar monologue. I pointed it out,
and over the last almost a month now, I've been
getting messages. Even when I was in Vegas last weekend
at the Malor Meet and greet, hanging out with the people,
got several messages from people that stumbled into the monologue
who wanted to say hello. People I've worked with in
(08:53):
the past, people that I haven't talked to in years.
They still have my number and they're sending me messages.
And so the Simone Biles monologue was something I did,
as I said, twenty twenty one, but it has been
immortalized because of a documentary, a docuseriies on Simone Biles
on Netflix. So on this one, I've been getting some
(09:15):
wokester dudes and a lot of angry middle aged women
in a fury defending their hero. They love Simone Biles.
How dare anyone have a dissenting opinion about the Olympic
gymnast quitting on her teammates in twenty twenty one? So
(09:37):
I'm getting these messages and people are going to great
lengths to try to get a hold of me, tracking
down email addresses, ranting and raving about that social media platforms,
Oh no, hell, Bill Miller. The attacks are pretty elementary.
These women aren't that bright. They're not, and so they'll
(09:58):
they'll send messages like, hey, you know you're middle age,
you're fat, you don't have any hair, which is it's
what low information people do. We kind of know that
when you attack someone, you often look for weak spots.
That's how you do it, that's how you attack. And
(10:19):
so since they can't really attack the quality of the monologue,
what they do is they attack my vanity and they
attack my appearance and my place in life and all
that stuff. And I get it. I mean, these are
lazy people. These are people that sit around watch Netflix
documentaries all day. They don't have much of life. I
(10:39):
understand it. But I would like to thank the people
at Netflix for opening this up to think that I
did a monologue that I had not even thought about.
Why would I in all these years in twenty twenty one,
Here we are in twenty twenty four, and the monologue
is still alive. It's still got legs. That is a
(11:03):
Sequoia tree monologue that I'm getting angry messages from people
who I guess they might think they're not that bright.
They're kind of stupid people. Maybe they think that just happened.
It's a recent monologue. I don't know. You'd have to
ask them, but I did learn over the years there's
certain rules of etiquette that you have to follow. And
(11:25):
one of the big ones. We talk about this from
time to time. When you're at the beach on a
nice summer day, you're doing your thing, I just yeah,
having a good time. Well, the birds come over. They
want to eat, they want to have a nice meal.
And if you start feeding the seagulls. What happens is
(11:51):
one of those birds going tadda. Yes, you start feeding
the seagulls, and all of us sudden there's a bunch
more that come in, right, And so addressing trolls is
like feeding the seagulls. If you feed one, a dozen
more are going to appear all of a sudden, and
(12:12):
they're gonna there's gonna be convoys of seagulls that come in.
Let's call them seagulls, monsters, whatever you want. You feed
the monsters, and then you get more monsters that show up,
and they're just trying to get a reaction, and they
got no lives. And I get it. I understand. You're
in a tough spot in life. You've got nothing going on,
and you're watching Netflix documentaries by yourself, and you want
(12:34):
to defend your girls. Simone Biles, I am flattered. I
am honored. You do not understand Again, I go back
to my point in this business, what I do for
a living, I have Every day I come into my studio,
I get ready for the show, and my takes have
a lifespan of a mayfly. At the longest, it's usually
(12:56):
forty eight hours. So the fact that this is three
years old. God bless you, God bless you, and you're
so stupid you don't even realize that. Every time I
get one of these messages, I'm like, Wow, that is
such a great monologue. I need more of that. It's
amazing now. Number three on Big Ben's big board, four
leaf clover style. These are the four most memorable Mallard
(13:17):
monologues that created a reaction from those that attempted to
taunt and ridicule and shout disapproval my direction from their
burner email accounts and their fake social media accounts. Number
three We're gonna go all the way back.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
To the.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
Year twenty sixteen. I believe was some aer of twenty sixteen.
Some are of love the Cleveland Cadavers, the Cleveland Cavaliers
and Golden State Warriors in the NBA Finals, and I
went on a rant, and I went on a rant.
Golden State jumped out, they came out like gamebusters, and
I went on a rant. I pointed out that the
(13:56):
Cavaliers were not going to come back and beat the
Golden State Warriors in that NBA Finals. Summed it up,
spelled it out, the whole thing, and sure, enough, Sure
enough Teada. Yeah, the Cavaliers came back. And one the
reason this is in the top four big ben big board,
four leaf clover malard monologues that have a long lifespan
(14:19):
is that summer after the Calves won the title, a
couple days later, they had a parade in downtown Cleveland.
And if you come into my studio, the remote studio
that I broadcast from about half the time, if you
come in there and I record the podcast from the studio,
although I'm on the East coast today, but if you
go into the studio, you will see a photo of
(14:42):
a gentleman standing at the Calves parade. And in said photo,
he's holding up a large sign. And what is the sign? Say,
it's got I got boxes next to it and all that,
But it's regarding the people that did not believe in
(15:03):
the Cleveland Cavaliers' ability to come back against the Golden
State Warriors. Is that the championship parade, there's like a
million people in downtown Cleveland and this guy's going around
holding up this large poster board sign. It's got me
Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith side by side by side,
(15:24):
and I'm being compared to Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith,
people that you know, very similar pace structure, unless that's
not the case. But that's number three on Big Ben's
big board, the four leaf clover style of the four mona.
Lisa Malon monologues the gold Standard as I remember him
on this day, on this Sunday, the eleventh day of August.
(15:47):
Now number two shooting straight from the hip, A longtime
nemesis of you know who, someone that has annoyed us
for many, many years, is in the number two slot.
That would be The Cheating as Holes. We can say
(16:10):
it's a podcast, the Cheating as Holes. So back in
I think it was twenty nineteen when the story broke
Astros cheated in twenty eighteen. It wasn't until twenty nineteen.
I believe it was early in twenty nineteen that a
story came out on the Athletic about the cheating that
took place. It was either late twenty eighteen or early
(16:31):
twenty nineteen. I forget exactly when, but it was a
while after the twenty seventeen World Series that was sullied
forever by the team from Houston. So I had done
many rants. I rant and raped like an absolute buffoon
for many, many, many many days, and I still do
to this day. I bring it up at least once
a week, the cheating holes. So one of these monologues
(16:57):
went viral. It took off and had a life of
its own. Me barking like a dog into the microphone.
And it's number two on our slot, the cheating Astros mattelemonel.
The reason that's at number two is because I got
complaints from the Commissioner's Office of Major League Baseball. Rob Manford,
(17:21):
the face of Major League Baseball. The Commissioner's office, someone
in his office called the complaint to the mothership because
of my rant about the cheating astros going on and
on and on. So now I'm pretty sure Rob Manfraud
did not make the phone call, but someone underneath rob
(17:44):
Manfraud made the phone call running interference, running the naked
boot like they wanted the sound of silence from me
regarding my commentary about the cheating assholes. And so that's
number two. I just love that Major League Baseball, with
(18:05):
all the things they're supposed to worry about, that right
near the top of the list is silencing or trying
to silence the overnight radio guy. Because of his commentary
about the cheating Astro. It's just absolutely great. So that's
number three or number two rather number two, so again
(18:25):
the top top four. Number four is the Simone Biles
Netflix documentary where I'm still getting crapola from middle aged
women defending their girl their favorite gymnasts. Number three was
the Calves not only winning the championship against the Warriors,
but a guy going around in front of a million
plus people in Cleveland holding up a sign with my
(18:48):
face on it, right next to Skip Bayless and Steven A. Smith.
So that's number three. Number two the aforementioned cheating a
Stros Major League Baseball calling up to complain the Commissioner's
office with Rob Manford. I'm not sure who exactly called.
I just got it secondhand. They were not happy with
my work. And now no Burrow. Number one, all right,
(19:14):
so number one Top four four leaf clover Big Ben's
Big Board, Mala monologues. So we are going to now
go to pro Bouncy Ball, the pro Bouncy Ball Hall
of Fame in Springfield, Massachusetts. It is a dog eat
Dog world and man new Genobili popped up randomly list
(19:38):
of Hall of Famer not Hall of Famer came up,
man who Genobili's name was on there? We said, not
a Hall of Famer, And you would have thought that
we had started a nuclear war. You would have thought that, right,
this was some kind of war crime. They need to
call a war tribunal to attack us. So this got
(19:59):
picked up first of all by a TV station in
San Antonio, I remember that, and then within a couple
of days it was all over Argentina. Now how do
I know that? Much like the middle aged women. Mostly
there's a few wokes to men, but middle aged women
that are sending me nasty messages. Because of the Netflix
(20:20):
documentary about Simone Biles, where I'm included in that, you
also have the mad Genobili Hall of Fame conversation. And
I was getting messages from people in Spanish. Now I
speak Spanguish, I don't speak Spanish. I know a little
bit of broken Spanish and that's about it. So I'm
(20:40):
getting all of these messages and I was like, what
is this about. I couldn't understand them. I was using
Google Translate. They were like something about Genobili and they
were attacking me and my character and all that stuff.
So I was like what is this about? And eventually
I figured it out because I was getting sent links
from the local TV news in Argentina that this was
(21:00):
such an outrageous take, going against all of the sensibilities
of the people there in Argentina, that they immortalized me
and put me on the nightly news in Argentina, that
my monologue resonated so much about Manu Genobil and I
do believe that's not like a made up take, like
(21:22):
I do believe it's not. I'm not being an extremist here.
It is my belief that Manu Gerobili, if you had
real standards in the Hall of fame, you would say,
not a hall of fame. But they don't really do
that anymore. They let everyone and they've always sid Muffin MacGrath.
We make the joke Muffin mcgras's Hall of Famer. The
precedent has been set where the doors are open, come
(21:46):
on down, knock yourself out. There's not a lot of
vetting process, So Manu Ginobili not a hall of famer.
Not want my cup of tea that rant. To this day,
I still get messages in Spanish, so I've got the
the housewives on one hand, or the cat lady on
one hand. That's got all the anger, all the rage
(22:07):
about my Simone Biles take. And then you've got the
Manu Gernobili crowd in Spanish. And I still get cheating
Asstro defenders. For example, sir scratch off that weasel who
claims to be a Cardinal fan, but I think he's
a closeted fan of the assholes, and he'll send me
a messages very upset about that. I don't hear as
(22:27):
much from the people with Cleveland anymore. The Calves have
fallen back and they're just kind of eh playoff team,
but not a real threat in the Eastern Conference. So
there it is. Big Ben's big board four leaf clover style,
the four monologues that do not have the lifespan of
a mayfly up to forty eight hours. These are the
(22:49):
mala monologues that are forever monologues, like the mighty Sequoia
trees in California. They go up, up, and away, the
four le clover style Simone Biles number three, the Calves
won't win a title, the cheating as stros at number two.
At number one, the manus you're nobly not a Hall
(23:11):
of famer. Now again, that's not a list. Wrong, don't
send me an email, Terry in England and some of
the other idiots. Not a list, not a list, it
is merely a big board. Wrong time. Now for the
word all the weekly, a phrase of the week, thank you, ohial.
The phrase of the week is cutting corners. Now there
(23:34):
is always pet peeve. I always pet peeve of mine.
I'm a big believer that you put an honest day's
work in. You don't cut corners. Now, I realize that
certain people will try to do things as quickly as
possible to mitigate the amount of time being used. You
could argue that is cutting corners. But we're smarter, not harder.
(23:54):
That's counter argument to that. But let's go way back.
In the eighteenth century. Carpenters would use a ribbon at
the end of a completed piece or work, and they
would do that to signify that the project was done.
It's like here, I am, I'm done. I'm putting a
little ribbon on there. The practice gave rise to the
phrase cutting corners because in order to get into whatever
(24:18):
they were doing, you had to cut the corner off.
So cutting corners meaning to do something also poorly in
order to save time or money. The phrase is also
used by hunters. For example, in the English Etiquette Guide
in their instructions writers, they are instructed to follow the
line of the hounds and to not cut corners unless
(24:43):
they are well behind the hounds. Then you are allowed
to cut corners. Otherwise you or not. So a couple
different meetings there, But cutting corners comes from carpenters and
also English hunting etiquette. So cutting corners the phrase or
word all the week, and since we did not do
(25:04):
this on Friday or Saturday, we must add a bonus,
a bonus phrase. You know what. I have a couple
I found here recently, So I'd like to share with
the class, if you would so oblige me, number number two.
Number two, that would be in the same boat. Now
(25:27):
we're in the same boat. We both got a lot
of homework, right, we're in the same boat. What a nightmare?
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah. Al right, so in the
same boat. What the heck does in the same boat mean?
I am glad you have asked so in the same boat.
It goes back to ancient times. People who lived near
bodies of water frequently used boats to get from island
(25:49):
to island or wherever they needed to go. So they
had to get on boats as transportation. But boats were
very small and very dangerous in those days, so in
order to go anywhere, you had to put your life
on the line to go on these crappy little boats,
unless you were an expert swimmer. And so the way
the boats would work in the olden days, in ancient times,
(26:12):
they would require everyone on board to work together to
keep the stability and keep the boat from capsizing, because
once the boat capsizes, that's it. You're done. And so
that necessity for teamwork, for cooperation among everyone on said vehicle,
(26:32):
that gave rise to the phrase which is still used
all of these years later, the same boat in the
same boat, meaning you're going through the same experiences. The
metaphor first appeared in the sixteenth century Britain and was
used to convey that people in the same boat share
(26:54):
the same fate. So in the same boat goes all
the way back to ancient time and also the sixteenth
century Britain is where that comes from. And I think
we can do one, one more, one more, a little
time left. Let's go to stuffed shirt. Stuffed shirt. Now,
(27:16):
during the nineteenth century nineteenth century, Scottish farmers created scarecrows
by dressing wooden steaks and clothes. We've all seen scarecrows
trying to scare away the birds. The practice led to
the phrase stuffed shirt, referring to someone who is very
rigid or formal in their demeanor. Now, others claim the
(27:40):
term stuffed shirt is an americanism that actually originated in
the early nineteen hundreds nineteen ten to nineteen fifteen, and
it was used to describe someone who is pompous, self satisfied, inflexible,
or overly formal. For example, you might say she's such
a stuffed shirt that I'm surprisedy you'd invite her to
(28:02):
the barbecue, something like that. Okay, that's it. The earliest
known use of the term stuff shirt is in writings
from nineteen thirteen by the novelist and short story writer
Willa Cathere. So that is it stuff shirt. So that's
if my math is correct, that's three for one. We're
(28:23):
on the cutting edge, the cutting edge of this. Now,
no mail bag. Today, I'm on the road. Danny G
is not here, so I thought we'd give the mail
bag a rest. But next weekend I will be back
in the Mothership and so we will have the mail bag.
You can send your questions in care of Real fifth
(28:44):
Hour at gmail dot com. That's Real fifth Hour at
gmail dot com, and we will read your comments on
the air and all that. Have a wonderful rest of
your son. Don't forget now. I'm flying back in a
few hours here from from Boston from Logan, Boston back
to LA so I got to stop over. I think
I'm stopping in Dallas at the airport. I don't even know.
(29:07):
But it's not a direct flight because you know, don't
make that kind of money. But we will provide you
travel willing, fresh audio content tonight and all week long.
And I should not be away from my post unless
assigned by management for the rest of the football season.
(29:27):
So have a wonderful time and we will catch you
next time here on the Fifth Hour with me and
Danny G, who is doing all the editing. And Danny
will be back he's doing the production value on this,
but he will be back with us next week. We'll
talk to you. Then gotta murder. I gotta go
Popular Podcasts
1. Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
2. Stuff You Missed in History Class
Join Holly and Tracy as they bring you the greatest and strangest Stuff You Missed In History Class in this podcast by iHeartRadio.
3. Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations.