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August 4, 2017 15 mins

Bethany has to HIDE everything in her apartment before her mom comes over.

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Speaker 1 (00:03):
What would you talk about on your on your podcasts show.
We gotta do this and wrap this up because I
have to go home and start hiding things. Why you
hiding things? Because my mom as we speak, is at

the airport and she will be flying in today and
I have to hide things before she arrived. As soon
as you said hide things, I knew Mom was coming
to town. We're talking about the things like you always say,
you have to hide things, but let's get specific things. Well,
it's even more of an issue this time because I'm
moving and my mom is helping me pack, and so

my mom is going to be like going through my
stuff and um, I was making my bed, for example,
and I looked behind the mattress between the wall and
my bed and I found a used condom. So that's
the do you know this garbage cans at some point?
It so so my mom. I need to make sure

my mom doesn't find stuff like that as she is
helping me clean, Like, I don't know, you know, I've
been there for three years. You don't know what kind
of stuff gets desk question. Yeah, um, what was going
on that the penis was in the area by the
top of the mattress or did it get flung. I
think it got flung in transition from one act to

sleeping the next. Don't don't bring a black light and
like a long night multiple acts of the play, so
you know you do want to act. You think that
it's all done, and then maybe you want to have
another or maybe there's an intermissions to the bathroom. Definitely,
we're getting off the subject. The subject stuff trying to

get pervy on your parents. Yeah, I have to, I have,
but I know that I'm not the only one. Like Daniel,
your mother comes over a lot, but you live with
their family, right. But here's the thing. I think your
mother would be more acceptable of finding certain things than
my mother. My mother doesn't even know what half this
stuff is. She probably would pick some of it up

and go, Danny, what is Why isn't happen? And when
you have kids, you don't really have that stuff late? Yeah,
you know, mom still thinks you're virgin you have two kids.
You're right, I told him the conception. Scotty be just
walked in and we're talking about Bethany's mom coming over
to help her move this weekend and finding random things.
Scotty moved. Scotty Be moved out of his apartment with

his wife, and I was elected to help him move.
More like I was corks uh coach coax into it.
H He goes here, take this, and on on the
box that he hands me, it says bathing suits and
wedding photos. So I go, oh, how how nice I
was at the wedding? You know? Let me box opens

up nothing but porn during the Porn VHS DVDs magazine.
I can't believe you guys are talking about this because
this happened esterday. We're painting my kitchen and my mom
was helping me take pots and pans and stuff off
the top of the cabinets, and there was a deck
of cards from the seventies with b J's on each
one of them. And I was like, oh my god,

but my mom knows how twisted and perverted I am.
So it really was. It was nothing, but it's just
kind of awkward having your mom. Why did you hide
them up there? I don't even remember they've been there
for years. Yes, yes, I prefer Costco. But I told
you that happened when my aunt had was when my
cousin was little. My aunt was having one of her
friends over for the first time, and the mom came

over to pick the kid up. My cousin proceeds to
pick up a vibrator from my aunt's side table and
throws it down the staircase. So the mom is standing
at the front of the door that she's never met before.
Care comes the vibrator and it lands right in front
of the woman's feet, and my aunt had to explain

this Scotty has the next There was one time where
my wife and I walked into our bedroom and my
older daughter is massaging my younger daughter on the back
with this giant vibrator and we just looked at each other,
and of course we laughed. But it's so I don't

there's way too much stuff that's accessible in our house
that my kids are going to grab that I need
to start childproofing. So, Bethany, you're screwed. Yeah, you know,
I am screwed, But I think you're right, Danyelle, because
my mom is pretty understanding. And like I said, so,
I do a podcast with Kathleen and Sam called an
Acquired Taste, and we were talking about this part apartment transition,

and I said, you know, the good thing is that
moving into this new apartment, like it's a fresh start.
And I said that in my current apartment, like I
there was a period of time that I was just
kind of in self destruct mode, making bad choices and whatever,
and so now fresh start. So I was talking to
my mom yesterday and she said, yeah, I heard on
your podcast. You know you this is a fresh start.
Your old place has bad memories and they're was like,

no judgment, there was no questioning, she just was. She
just sort of like invented whatever that was, and then
moved on. My mom was taking me aside and said,
can we talk about this? Yeah, my mom is just
like she she's she's pretty great that way. So if
she does find anything, she'll probably take it all instride.
But I think if anybody out of this room right here,
Scary doesn't really have anything to hide in his apartment.

I live alone and my parents don't come to my
house that offense. But even so, you don't have things.
I don't see you as a person that hides I
know anything, No, I really don't. There's nothing that you're
going to find. You have any porn on your computer? Zero?
I don't think Scary watches porn. Well, we did, Scary.
We watched that one day at your house and team
not by my choice though, great story direct and he

likes to spend money on point. He likes the whole plot.
He won't watch regular, just scenes in my living room
watching porn, cracking up, laughing at the dumb storyline like
fifteen of film porn scar. Your apartment is like if
you if you get an apartment that's already furnished, That's
what Scary's apartment looks like. It looks like a furniture

store came in and did your apartment and then no
one's lived in it because it's so clean. It's like
a magazine. It looks like you walked into a picture
of a magazine. I was just gonna say that, like
I'm afraid to put anything down on the table or
move a chair, and I don't. It doesn't I have
to be honest with you. It looks great, it doesn't
feel comfortable, Like I don't go to your house and
feel like I could hang out here everyone. I feel like,
don't touch it. I feel like the most uncomfortable your

You know how your grandmother has plastic on the furniture
don't sit on it. I feel like your whole apartment
has imaginary furniture, plastic, like everything's just there. I also
don't feel like you're in your apartment a ton barely. Yeah.
I go right to my bedroom and I lay in
my bed, and then you're out a lot. You're outdoing
stuff a lot. I live in my apartment when I'm
not home. Right when I am home, I I'm literally

laying in my bed. You ever sit on the couch?
Put your feet up on that table? What's that table called?
What the the table? The Herman Miller Gucci, It's the
Gucci coffee Herman Miller. Have you sat in their air
on chairs. Yes, it's a modern classics and coffee. No, no no, no.

The Negucci table was made in ninety eight by n
Gucci and it's a classic design. You guys have seen
it on the set of a lot of TV news shows.
Is it fair trade organic? It's been in a lot
of films. No, it's in the Museum of It's it's
a modern classic Museum of Scones Real. Or is it
a replica? No, it's real. Herman Miller is the only

is the only manufacturer that is allowed to make the
Negucci table. Anything else is a knockoff, but Herman Miller
is licensed to make it. They have the rights to
make it, and it's been made since the same exact
way now in comparisons, and he actually appreciates in value. Now,
if you open up a refrigerator, what's in your refrigerator
right now? Baking soda, bacon soda, you could tell you.

He could tell you the exact replica of the chair
that he has and when it was made. But you
open up as a refrigerator baking soda and catch a pack.
A real estate agent could come over and show his
apartment right now. Yeah, absolutely they That used to upset
me that, Like I used to get upset when I
would go to someone else's house and I would look
like a museum, and I was like, well, why can't
my house be this knee? And then I realized I

have children, so there's no way in hell that's going
to happen. And at the same time, I think I
would rather live in a place that looks loved and
lived in, And to me, loved and lived in is
a little bit messy, not like totally you know, straightened
up in whatever, right and that's why everyone's place is
a reflection. We were talking on the show this morning

about sing no, no, it's true, I do have O
c D. Because this morning we were talking about what
people that have you know, to have the same the
same thing right. So for me, that is all my
clothes have to be aligned the opper way in the
same direction. All the short sleeves have to be on
the left or the long sleep is to be on

the right. They have to be facing the same way.
It's like that in my apartment. In my head, I
have to in order to live, I need in order
the brief properly. I need to like I need to
walk into my house and everything is in order. And
I don't know why, no, but it helps your brain.
But yeah, like I wouldn't find a used condom floor,
but that has to be that one thing dirty by
the way, It's like sometimes things go missing in the

heat of happened, it would it would be picked up
immediately by me and I would be picking up the
you didn't know it happened. My bed for the for
the so just so you can picture, I have my
bed is uh one of the bed withdrawers like a
storage bed. So you cannot see behind it like it's
a block of furniture. It's like a trundle bed and
then a giant headboard, so there's no looking behind it

unless you pull the bet away from the wall. Speaking
of use condoms, I'm right now in the middle of
there's no segue here. I'm in the middle of it.
There's a segue, but when I tell you what I'm
about to say, you're gonna go all uh. I'm into
doing interns right now for the next semester. And one
of the interns told me a story about how it
was someone embarrassing stories and what would you bring to
the show, And she said she had uh sex with

a guy recently and it was at night, her parents
were home, and the guy did to do with condom
and didn't have a garbage pail. So she does, I
think I have a garbage bag in my closet. So
we threw the condom in the garbage bag. Well, it
turns out it was a donation bag of clothing for
a charity, and the next morning her mother came in
and took the bag and donated it to charity. Didn't

look at it. Well, she hopes not she doesn't think,
so I bet Goodwill has seen worse. I bet the
people who work at Goodwill have it. Sounds like a
Ben Stiller movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like what Harry met Sally?
No not not, what has something about Mary? Yeah? Yeah.
So when I go home today, the first thing I'm
doing is going underneath my bathroom sink, because I think
that's where the majority of the dangerous things are located.

And uh, where do you keep under the sink cabinet?
Is that like the corner quote safe place for anything
and everything and where everything goes you because it's it's
a cabinets, you can't see. It's a bad move. So
you open it and first of all, things fall out
because everything's just shoved under there. But I have that's
where I keep anything Remotely, you go to the baths

in and just just have their way with No, you
don't go you don't go into this. You will in
Bethany's new place, you go into the medicine now you
need at my new place doesn't have an under the
bathroom sink. A little bit panicky because I don't know
what to do with all my does it have a
cabinet above the microwaves. Putting the toothbrush holder. You'll be fine,

be a very big toothbrush holder. That a condom, No,
that's where. Yeah. I remember when I was packing up
to move to California or no, Arizona, when I was
eighteen years old, and my mom is helping me pack
up my clothes and I'm taking out a bag to
the car and as I'm walking down the hallway, I
hear my mom go, I'll get started on the other

closet and say, okay, mom, and then you take three
more steps like, oh funk, that's where all the playboys on.
So I dropped the bag and I got this one mom. Yeah.
When I moved out of my parents house and scared, right,
we moved out, so I had to like, uh not
wait for the moving company. I packed stuff myself and
drove it over to the other apartment on my own

and say, when I moved in with my wife, what
the hell did you have? You know, playboy magazines back
in the day, and you know, videotapes, so they had
to go like separately. You don't want the moving men
to see it, but in a box. So what's that? Oh,
it's just stuff. I want to take shirts and underwear.
I want to take over. I was talking to my
friend last night and she said, you know, it's more expensive,
but it's really worth the expense if you have the

moving company pack your stuff for you and then pack
it for you, like they get rid of all of
the boxes and everything. But I don't know if I can,
Like I don't know if I can trust people to
a not steal my stuff. I worry about that. But
also it's like I need to go through everything and
throw stuff away. I know what's worth bringing. And that's
the best part about moving is you can kind of

douche your apartment because you've been there for what two
and a half three years, So you can go through
the three years that you've been there and say, I
don't need this. I don't need that, I don't need
to haven't used this in two and a half years.
This don't bring the condom, no I'm getting rid of.
I already started going through drawers and I'm like, all right,
I cannot be nostalgic. Like I have this beautiful fainting

couch that remember when I fixed this faint in couch.
You've got to keep thatch, So yeah, kind of hat
turned it in. You fall on a couch and go,
oh yeah, it's like back when women wore corsets and
we're constantly passing out. So like there's these couches with
one arm and the other arm is gone, so you
can just sort of fall onto them and you put
it on, like I don't see. Yeah, if somebody wants,

I can't believe I got the name cosby counch. I
was kidding around. Yeah, there's another word for it, but
it's like, yeah, it's like a fainting couch. That's I
got a sleeping toilet. Really, that's the one reason I
want to move. I keep telling Sheldon. I'm like, I know,
we love our house in our neighborhood, but this will
force us to clean ship because I we have I

think his office alone would take him three months to clean.
That's why I don't think he ever wants a new house,
because I'm telling you his office alone. He doesn't want
to tackle that theory of a real estate. Doesn't want
a new house just in that house because he's only
found two other houses, and all the time he's been
doing this, he found two other houses that he thinks

would fit what we need. There are certain things that
we know. A backyard, it's very important to us because
my kids are outside more than anything else. And um,
a pool. There's a lot of things that we couldn't
move because we couldn't find a house with a pool. Yeah,
we've never found anything that meets exactly what we want
except for two times and then we kind of decided.
And the pain room right, and the Queen's Palace, the

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