March 26, 2025 • 5 mins
The world's most obnoxious salesperson, Mr. Michael Oppenheimer, tries to sell a questionably branded wine.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Don't answer the phone. Elvis Durand. Elvis Durand's phone tab.
Here we go, a phone tab. An old friend coming
to visit us again. Scary, Yes, go ahead.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Francis wants the phone tap her dad, Sydney. Sydney is
retired and sits home all day, and when telemarketers call him,
he doesn't hang up right away. Instead, he engages them
in conversation and he messes with them. Oh no, so
she thought this could make a great scenario for a
phone tap using my Michael Oppenheimer character. Look, you know,
I'm surprised people don't recognize this Michael Oppenheimer.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
God, but sometimes I don't like this guy. Here we go,
Scary's phone tap. Oh yes, good morning. This is mister
Michael Oppenheimer with Cockburn's port wine. How are you doing today, sir?
Speaker 3 (00:40):
I'm doing fine.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
How are you? Who you? My name is mister Michael Oppenheimer.
I know you well, you're getting to know me as
we speak right now. Yeah, you're at a list of
people to be called today about it? Yes?
Speaker 3 (00:52):
How can you get that list?
Speaker 1 (00:54):
We understand that you enjoy wine. The Cockburns family have
vineyards for years where purveyors of fine port.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
She changed the name of your wine. It's allows your name, sir.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
I'm here to just sell it. I don't make those decisions.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
So smuckers did a great job with jelly Cockburn wine.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
You could look us up.
Speaker 3 (01:14):
I will look you up. Never heard of you.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Cockburn's fine tawny port pairs beautifully with nuts. Holy you
really are real.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
That's weird. I never heard of you.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
So anyway, we could have three bottles of your choice
sent over to you.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
Free bottles.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
No, no, three bottles, that's bottle.
Speaker 3 (01:31):
Oh you said free. I'll take the free wine.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
For just sixty nine ninety nine. So it sounds like
I'm not interested. So I'm not gonna well make somebody
in your wine.
Speaker 3 (01:41):
I mean, even though you're online, I'm not interested.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
You're an online wine.
Speaker 3 (01:45):
I don't want to wine at you, but but please
get off my line. I don't want to talk to
you anymore.
Speaker 1 (01:49):
Don't you have any special occasions coming over?
Speaker 3 (01:51):
Okay, I'm not interesting.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
I'm not in your family barbecue.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
Leave me alone.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
Okay, is it someone's birthday?
Speaker 3 (01:57):
Hang on you?
Speaker 1 (01:58):
Nothing is like giving the gift of cock.
Speaker 3 (02:00):
Don't you understand playing English? Hello?
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Guess. Good morning. This is mister Michael Oppenheimer with Cockburn's
port wine.
Speaker 3 (02:10):
Michael, Michael, we've already spoken. I'm not interested in your
didn't let me finish, sir, No, no, no, I don't. I'm
not interested. I look you up online.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Secret.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
Oh you're a real thing, even though the name sucks.
Leave me alone, okay, stop calling me.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
The secret to Cockburn's great taste is in the seasoned
wood from the barrels. Its story isn't.
Speaker 3 (02:29):
Wood in the barrel, you know what. Get yourself in
the barrel and drown yourself in your conturnt rye dad,
I don't want to pomp to you.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
Hello, good morning, this is mister Michael Oppenheimer with.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
Cock I'm about to do something. Don't go, boy, okay,
just doesn't.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
It makes the perfect party pairings. Your guests will swallow
every drop. It's a pretty stiff drink.
Speaker 3 (03:00):
Just flushing the door, I had to see.
Speaker 1 (03:01):
Imagine the look on their faces when they open the
door and you're standing there with the Cockburns in your hand.
Speaker 3 (03:06):
I can't imagine anything except.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
Punching you in the nose from its sleek, beautiful bottle.
The second, the second.
Speaker 3 (03:14):
Boat boat white or red or bitch together and t
is pink. I won't drink it. I don't care about
the barrels. I don't care about the bottles or the labels.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
Your guests will want some more when.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
You're guess I don't have guests. Nobody comes to my home,
Nobody calls me except you.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
Everyone around the table will be putting cockburns in their eyes.
Speaker 3 (03:32):
Shove it up your You don't even have the decency
to have your number come across. I might call our ideas.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Sixteen nine ninety nine. Just steal of a deal.
Speaker 3 (03:39):
This is this is that with your girlfriend while you're
both drunk on your cockfront.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
Fly we do accept PayPal, sir, you.
Speaker 3 (03:47):
Do except PayPal. That's wonderful. Take your tap out on
a date and get her drunk.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
Did you know that our wine has won awards?
Speaker 3 (03:54):
I don't give it.
Speaker 1 (03:55):
Raise your glass with me, pretend like you're holding a
cockburns and take a sip with me.
Speaker 3 (03:59):
What did you do wrong in life? From the tone
of your voice, you must be on mega doses of prozac.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
Can't you just taste these ripe grapes?
Speaker 3 (04:06):
You're calling me from a mental institution. You're in a
straight jacket with a microphone around your head. This is
all you can do with your life. You're an idiot.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
If you don't like it, you can return it.
Speaker 3 (04:16):
You don't call on ours and ask her for some
more prozac.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
We'll get your money back.
Speaker 3 (04:20):
I'll put you to sleep, and you're just seen having
this wonderful dream about calling people who don't exist. Do that, please,
You'll save the world, sir.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
It sounds like you've already got a head started drinking.
Speaker 3 (04:32):
Hey, you know what, that's a great idea. Why don't
you come over at your limousine and pick me up
and drive me to drink. I don't want to hear
it from you anymore, you pesthetic patient.
Speaker 1 (04:41):
Well, you don't have to hear much more of me
because you've been phone tapped. Huh.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
My name is Scary Jones melvistran in the morning show,
and your daughter Francis put us up to this.
Speaker 3 (04:50):
What are you talking about?
Speaker 1 (04:51):
We're a radio show, radio show. Yeah, driving me nuts
with this life, yeah, Francis.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
Why because Francis knows that you like to mess with
all the marketers when they call ardy Elvis Durant phone
tall
Don't answer the phone. Elvis Durand. Elvis Durand's phone tab.
Here we go, a phone tab. An old friend coming
to visit us again. Scary, Yes, go ahead.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Francis wants the phone tap her dad, Sydney. Sydney is
retired and sits home all day, and when telemarketers call him,
he doesn't hang up right away. Instead, he engages them
in conversation and he messes with them. Oh no, so
she thought this could make a great scenario for a
phone tap using my Michael Oppenheimer character. Look, you know,
I'm surprised people don't recognize this Michael Oppenheimer.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
God, but sometimes I don't like this guy. Here we go,
Scary's phone tap. Oh yes, good morning. This is mister
Michael Oppenheimer with Cockburn's port wine. How are you doing today, sir?
Speaker 3 (00:40):
I'm doing fine.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
How are you? Who you? My name is mister Michael Oppenheimer.
I know you well, you're getting to know me as
we speak right now. Yeah, you're at a list of
people to be called today about it? Yes?
Speaker 3 (00:52):
How can you get that list?
Speaker 1 (00:54):
We understand that you enjoy wine. The Cockburns family have
vineyards for years where purveyors of fine port.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
She changed the name of your wine. It's allows your name, sir.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
I'm here to just sell it. I don't make those decisions.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
So smuckers did a great job with jelly Cockburn wine.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
You could look us up.
Speaker 3 (01:14):
I will look you up. Never heard of you.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Cockburn's fine tawny port pairs beautifully with nuts. Holy you
really are real.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
That's weird. I never heard of you.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
So anyway, we could have three bottles of your choice
sent over to you.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
Free bottles.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
No, no, three bottles, that's bottle.
Speaker 3 (01:31):
Oh you said free. I'll take the free wine.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
For just sixty nine ninety nine. So it sounds like
I'm not interested. So I'm not gonna well make somebody
in your wine.
Speaker 3 (01:41):
I mean, even though you're online, I'm not interested.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
You're an online wine.
Speaker 3 (01:45):
I don't want to wine at you, but but please
get off my line. I don't want to talk to
you anymore.
Speaker 1 (01:49):
Don't you have any special occasions coming over?
Speaker 3 (01:51):
Okay, I'm not interesting.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
I'm not in your family barbecue.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
Leave me alone.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
Okay, is it someone's birthday?
Speaker 3 (01:57):
Hang on you?
Speaker 1 (01:58):
Nothing is like giving the gift of cock.
Speaker 3 (02:00):
Don't you understand playing English? Hello?
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Guess. Good morning. This is mister Michael Oppenheimer with Cockburn's
port wine.
Speaker 3 (02:10):
Michael, Michael, we've already spoken. I'm not interested in your
didn't let me finish, sir, No, no, no, I don't. I'm
not interested. I look you up online.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Secret.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
Oh you're a real thing, even though the name sucks.
Leave me alone, okay, stop calling me.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
The secret to Cockburn's great taste is in the seasoned
wood from the barrels. Its story isn't.
Speaker 3 (02:29):
Wood in the barrel, you know what. Get yourself in
the barrel and drown yourself in your conturnt rye dad,
I don't want to pomp to you.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
Hello, good morning, this is mister Michael Oppenheimer with.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
Cock I'm about to do something. Don't go, boy, okay,
just doesn't.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
It makes the perfect party pairings. Your guests will swallow
every drop. It's a pretty stiff drink.
Speaker 3 (03:00):
Just flushing the door, I had to see.
Speaker 1 (03:01):
Imagine the look on their faces when they open the
door and you're standing there with the Cockburns in your hand.
Speaker 3 (03:06):
I can't imagine anything except.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
Punching you in the nose from its sleek, beautiful bottle.
The second, the second.
Speaker 3 (03:14):
Boat boat white or red or bitch together and t
is pink. I won't drink it. I don't care about
the barrels. I don't care about the bottles or the labels.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
Your guests will want some more when.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
You're guess I don't have guests. Nobody comes to my home,
Nobody calls me except you.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
Everyone around the table will be putting cockburns in their eyes.
Speaker 3 (03:32):
Shove it up your You don't even have the decency
to have your number come across. I might call our ideas.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Sixteen nine ninety nine. Just steal of a deal.
Speaker 3 (03:39):
This is this is that with your girlfriend while you're
both drunk on your cockfront.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
Fly we do accept PayPal, sir, you.
Speaker 3 (03:47):
Do except PayPal. That's wonderful. Take your tap out on
a date and get her drunk.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
Did you know that our wine has won awards?
Speaker 3 (03:54):
I don't give it.
Speaker 1 (03:55):
Raise your glass with me, pretend like you're holding a
cockburns and take a sip with me.
Speaker 3 (03:59):
What did you do wrong in life? From the tone
of your voice, you must be on mega doses of prozac.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
Can't you just taste these ripe grapes?
Speaker 3 (04:06):
You're calling me from a mental institution. You're in a
straight jacket with a microphone around your head. This is
all you can do with your life. You're an idiot.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
If you don't like it, you can return it.
Speaker 3 (04:16):
You don't call on ours and ask her for some
more prozac.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
We'll get your money back.
Speaker 3 (04:20):
I'll put you to sleep, and you're just seen having
this wonderful dream about calling people who don't exist. Do that, please,
You'll save the world, sir.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
It sounds like you've already got a head started drinking.
Speaker 3 (04:32):
Hey, you know what, that's a great idea. Why don't
you come over at your limousine and pick me up
and drive me to drink. I don't want to hear
it from you anymore, you pesthetic patient.
Speaker 1 (04:41):
Well, you don't have to hear much more of me
because you've been phone tapped. Huh.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
My name is Scary Jones melvistran in the morning show,
and your daughter Francis put us up to this.
Speaker 3 (04:50):
What are you talking about?
Speaker 1 (04:51):
We're a radio show, radio show. Yeah, driving me nuts
with this life, yeah, Francis.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
Why because Francis knows that you like to mess with
all the marketers when they call ardy Elvis Durant phone
tall
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