June 7, 2022 • 33 mins
One of the biggest conversations happening in Dan's coaching community is about how to feel safe. Safe enough to use your voice and be seen as a leader. Safe enough to leave an unfulfilling corporate job to follow your calling. Safe enough to set boundaries at work and in relationships. Safe enough to ask for your needs. And unfortunately with recent headlines in the United States, safe enough to be able to go to the supermarket or send your kids to school.
The need for safety and security is primal. But the question is... how do you get there?
If you're like most of Dan's clients, you might have been taught how to feel safe within yourself. As a result, it keeps you in patterns of trying to control and manipulate the external circumstances of your life and living in reaction to reaction.
Let's end that pattern today.
On this episode, we're talking about how to create safety in uncertain times but from within.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
One of the biggest conversations happening in my coaching community
right now and really over the last two and a
half years of the pandemic is about how to feel safe.
Safe enough to use your voice and be seen as
a leader, safe enough to leave an unfulfilling corporate job
to follow your calling, safe enough to set boundaries at
work and in relationships, safe enough to ask for your needs, and, unfortunately,
(00:26):
in light of the headlines happening here in the United States,
safe enough to do things like go to the supermarket
or send your kids to school. The need for safety
and security is primal, but the question is how do
you get there. If you're like most clients I work with,
you might not have been taught how to feel safe
(00:48):
within yourself, and as a result, it keeps you in
patterns of trying to control and manipulate the external circumstances
of your life and living in reaction to reaction. What
do you say when I in that pattern? Beginning today,
coming up this week on Life Amplified, we're going to
talk about how to create safety in uncertain times, but
(01:10):
do it from within. Welcome back. What is an amplified life?
It's having amplified relationships with people who support and encourage
you to be your best. It's having amplified energy to
conquer the challenges of the day. And it's having an
amplified career, one that's meaningful to you, the world, and
(01:31):
your bank accounts. I'm Dan Mason helping you discover your
calling and create an amplified life on your terms. This
is the Life Amplified Podcast. It's almost become cliche in
the self development world right now, as we've gone from
a pandemic into contentious politics, into Vladimir Putin and now
(01:57):
inflation and a gun crisis in the United States, with
all of these mass murders, it's become a cliche for
people like me to talk about finding calm amidst the chaos,
and I personally believe that's just a really shitty thing
to say to people. It's an unrealistic outcome. There is
(02:17):
so much happening both around us in the world and
within us as a result of that, as we deal
with our own emotional triggers, being calm is an unrealistic goal.
Where we really want to get to is a sense
of creating safety. Safety is the pathway to calm and
(02:38):
safety is so important that famous psychologist Abraham Maslow placed
it right behind the survival essentials like food, water, and
shelter on his famous hierarchy of human needs. But when
you think about it, if we don't have emotional safety,
it is almost impossible to fully open your heart, to
share your love and to give your gifts to the world.
(03:02):
But when Maslow talked about safety being a primal survival
needs so many years ago, he did it in the
context of finding safety externally. According to Maslow, safety is
what we got within our family system. It was something
that we could get from the government, from the police,
and from having a steady nine to five job. Great
(03:24):
in theory, but Maslow wasn't living in two like you
and I are. And so many of those systems that
were depended on years ago to give us a sense
of certainty, of predictability and routine to our life are
less reliable, you know. And I'm not going to turn
this into a political discussion. That's not what it's about.
(03:46):
You know. If you look at the statistics, it doesn't
matter which political party is in power. People are upset,
people are angry. They feel like their needs aren't being met.
I mean the approval rating for the Congress right now
is somewhere a you know, I think we realize that
even the most well meaning politicians in the American political
(04:07):
system get swallowed up by the machine. They become very
attached to that corporate lobbyist money, so they're not always
taking the action or supporting policies that the vast majority
of people in the United States approve of. You know,
if you look at the recent school shooting in Texas,
and I'm not somebody who is anti police, I have
(04:28):
so much respect for law enforcement. I have friends who
are in law enforcement. But by any measure, what happened
at that school in Texas was an utter failure on
the part of law enforcement to protect those babies inside
the school. And certainly, if we just look at the
family system and you know, all the trauma that results
(04:50):
from our attachment patterns and our relationship to our caregivers,
that's not always the safest environment. And one of the
things I've discovered after coaching unfulfilled high performers across eighteen
countries at this point is there is a childhood conditioning
that happens from an early age. And I'm not saying
it's done in a malicious way. But when you think
(05:12):
about it, as a child, you were powerless to some
extent to protect yourself or to take care of your
own needs. So the way that we learned and our
condition to get the safety is through what I call
the three safety traps of the unfulfilled high performer. You know,
it is my contention on this podcast today that most
(05:34):
of us are taught to give away our power and
seek safety outside of ourselves, and we do it in
three very predictable patterns. So just check within yourself and
notice which of these resonates more for you. One of
the ways that we learned to get to safety is
through accolades. You know, this is the syndrome of the
(05:57):
golden child, where you the one in the family that
mom and dad looked to to make the honor role
that you had to win the trophies and be the
best at everything, be the best student, be the best athlete,
make your family proud. For many clients who come to me, uh,
that's the thing. Love and safety was based on performance,
(06:17):
and anything less than being an A plus student was
met with disapproval from the parents. I can't count how
many times over the last several years that I've had
clients who came home with report cards where they had
straight a's and one be and rather than being celebrated
and getting an at a boy or an at a girl,
the parent usually looked and goes, well, what was up
(06:39):
with this be and algebra? What do we have to
do to get that up? And you know, it creates
a subconscious monologue within people at an early age that says,
I am not enough, and I must work harder to
make my family proud. That getting safety, getting to love
is based on what I'm accomplishing. Love is conditional. Safety
(07:02):
is conditional, and I have to do all the things
to be worthy of it. So that is the first
safety trap that we'll talk about today. However, there are
many children who grew up in a home where self
abandonment was the key to safety. In short, they had
to be the responsible ones. Where you asked to give
(07:24):
up part of your childhood in some way to play
the role of a caretaker. Maybe you were the oldest
sibling and you had to be responsible for your younger
brothers and sisters. If mom and dad were working all
the time, if you grew up in a dysfunctional home,
with disregulated parents, you may very well have had to
have been the parent to your parents. It's a big
(07:45):
thing that happens, especially with my clients who had an
addict for a parent. They were so busy, you know,
trying to pour out the vodka on the bottles and
putting water in there, and just learning all the ways
that they had to take are of the people around them, uh,
to keep the family afloat and to keep things safe.
But in the process, nobody was really checking in with
(08:09):
them to see what they needed. You know. In fact,
if a child in this sort of environment spoke up
for their needs or if they were processing difficult emotions,
the adults in the home would respond with, oh, yeah,
well what about me. You know. One of my clients
tells the story of having a mother growing up who
(08:30):
when she would complain that, you know, mom wasn't there
for her. Mom's responses, well, what are you complaining about?
Why should I do that for you? Nobody was there
for me, and it just perpetuates the trauma pattern over time. So,
you know, for people in this self abandonment pattern, denying
their emotions and needs in order to rescue others is
(08:52):
how they learned to feel control and safety. The third
safety trap that I want to talk about today is acquiescing.
These clients and childhood had to just quietly comply with
household rules, no matter how rigid, no matter how realistic,
because if they didn't there was going to be some
(09:14):
sort of emotional or physical punishment, you know, So for
these people to stand out and speak up would make
them a target. They were taught children should be seen,
not heard. They learned that safety was the prize that
you get for not rocking the boat. Now, I don't
want to judge any of these patterns when you were
a child and you were still relatively powerless and don't
(09:37):
have the wherewithal to go out in the world and
take care of yourself. These traps work in your developmental years.
They are protection patterns. They keep you safe. But when
they go unaddressed and unhealed, over time, the traps become maladaptive.
We become adults who are constantly coping and searching for approval,
(09:59):
searching for something outside of ourselves that's going to create safety,
and all it really does at the end of the day.
While the the safety might be short term, what we
get in the long run is overwhelmed, resentment, and anxiety,
and that happens both in your career and in your relationships.
You know, think about how these patterns developed in childhood
(10:22):
are playing out into your life right now. If you
are an unhappy, unfulfilled, high performer, your corporate job may
now be the place where you're available around the clock
to take care of everybody, to take care of problems,
usually at the expense of yourself and the people you love.
You know, we've talked a few episodes back about that
(10:43):
burden of the breadwinner, with people who are working so
hard out of a sense of responsibility to please the
corporate overlords and to bring in income to take care
of the family. But they're so attached to the job
because they need the safety of the corporate paycheck that
it's pulling them away from the people that they love.
(11:05):
That creates resentment at home. And now they're in this
cycle of working in a job that they hate every
day to take care of a family that they don't
that they don't believe appreciates all the hard work that
they're putting in. That's a tough way to go. If
you're putting fifty five hours a weekend at a job
you're only getting paid forty hour a week salary for
(11:26):
that's the self abandonment trap coming in again. And then
when burnout sets in, you might have an impulse to
set a boundary with work that you want to step away,
that you want to say no. But if you believe
that your sense of safety is linked to that paycheck
in the four oh one k, you'll always make an exception.
(11:46):
You know, you'll say, well, just this time, this project,
I'm going to help out, and then next time I'll
set the boundary. But that's just another form of the
acquiescing trap. And as we've talked about on this podcast,
a lot corporate can be the high achiever's outlet to
satisfy the accolade trap, where the next promotion, the next
pay raise, the next President's Club award is your way
(12:09):
to feel valued, loved and safe. And then it creates
a pattern where you're climbing to the top of every
ladder and you still don't feel like it's enough, like
you haven't made it because you're operating from that trauma
pattern that says whatever I do is not enough. I
gotta work a little harder, I gotta push a little further,
and that's a recipe eventually for the proverbial midlife crisis.
(12:33):
So it's a recap those three safety traps that are
developed in childhood that keep us in the sedictive cycle
of looking for safety outside of ourselves. Accolades, self abandonment,
and acquiescing. And I want you to understand that we
can take this pattern that we're talking about about seeking
safety in corporate America and you can apply it to
(12:56):
anything in your life. Are there places where you self
abandoned and an acquiesce in romantic relationships in order to
get to safety? Many people do. Are there places where
you know you're not so much worried about accumulating the
next job title or promotion, but you think that safety
is going to come from your investment portfolio or your
(13:18):
crypto account, uh that you think that your safety will
come from your marriage or by your children performing well.
So the key coaching point here is that nothing external
to you can create a long term experience of internal
safety because anything external to you is subject to change.
(13:41):
We're already seeing this right now that a vast majority
of cryptocurrencies are going bankrupt. There's there's many of them
that are essentially worthless. Right now, how's your stock portfolio looking.
I was the guy that in two thousand seven went
and bought myself a really nice home and a gated
community because I was told that that was a great investment,
(14:03):
you want to put your money into property. And then
the housing crash happened, and within three months of me
buying my home, the value had fallen in half. I
was so far underwater that this thing I should be
excited to come home to, this beautiful home that was
supposed to be a safe sanctuary, felt like a burden.
Like I was just resentful every time I paid the
(14:24):
mortgage on that place. There was a time in my
life when I thought my safety was in my romantic
relationship and my marriage. And when my marriage imploded after
a whopping six months, hello Dan pulling a Kim Kardashian
on that one. Then I was sitting in my kitchen
at rock bottom thinking about whether I was just going
(14:44):
to opt out of life because now I didn't know
I you know, I had lost my marriage. There was
no way to security. The other second coaching point here
when we talk about safety, is that anything your subconscious
mind or your nervous system links to safety it's almost
impossible to let go of or to walk away from.
You know, if you believe that your corporate job is
(15:07):
the only way to financial security and that you could
never pivot in careers or generate uh an abundant income
doing the things you love, You're going to fight to
hang onto a job, even if it makes you miserable.
Because remember, safety is is it's a survival need. It's primal.
(15:28):
This is one of the challenges that we're having in
the United States right now when it comes to gun reform.
And again this is not a political podcast, but I
do want to make the observation there is a number
of Americans in this country that equate owning multiple firearms
or a semi automatic rifle. They equate it with their
(15:48):
safety and their freedom, which is exactly why they will
fight like hell to hang onto it, even in the
face of mass shootings. There was a pold today that
four or four percent of people believe that mass shootings
are just the price that we have to pay for freedom.
For me personally, that's a tough view of the world
(16:08):
when you value gun ownership over losing lives. Now on
a daily basis, it's not particularly the way that I believe,
But it drives home the point on how hard it
is to let go of anything in your life that
you believe is a link to safety. That's why people
stay in toxic marriages and relationships because they're not happy
(16:32):
where they are. But at least it's certain if they
went out and became single. For some of those people,
they don't know if anybody would love them, and that
feels unsafe, So at least they know that they could
stay in the shitty, unfulfilling relationship every day. Addiction works
the same way. You know, how many people believe that
smoking the cigarette is their link to calm, that it
(16:53):
helps them mellow out. Why so many people will, you know,
habitually drink each night after work. It's a really valuable
exercise right now, what to assess, what are the things
outside of me that I believe make me safe? And
how could I learn to create that within myself. Coming
(17:14):
up after the break, we're gonna pivot the discussion and
I'm going to give you my best strategies to help
you create safety in uncertain times and create it from within.
Earlier in the podcast, I mentioned Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of
needs and he said, our need for safety is so
(17:36):
strong that human beings could not pursue growth oriented needs
like love and belonging, self actualization, and you know, self
esteem like esteemable goals and accomplishments in pursuits. We couldn't
have those things until we created safety first. But again,
(17:57):
as I told you, Maslow's perspective on how we got
to safety was from outside institutions. It was all about family, government,
the police, a successful nine to five job. I believe,
more than any time in our history, we need to
look at Maslow's hierarchy with updated and fresh approaches that
(18:17):
fit for because as so many of those external systems
that we used to lean on for safety have failed us.
You know, it's creating an environment where nobody feels safe.
Everybody is seeking approval, They're seeking to consume safety in
the world. They're seeking validation, but we don't know how
to get there within ourselves. I would argue today that
(18:41):
it's actually those growth oriented needs self actualization, which you
could also say or purpose love and belonging and purposeful,
meaningful accomplishments, that is the path to true emotional safety,
long standing emotional safety. So what I wanted to do
(19:02):
here is just share the four things. These are four ingredients.
There's no hierarchy to them. Each of these principles stand
on their own. You don't have to do them in order,
but these are the things in your life that are
going to help you create safety from within even when
the world feels like a ship show. Number one, doing
(19:24):
your trauma work, that's doing the inner work. It's building
awareness of your triggers. So often we talk about the
stress that we have in our lives, but we're not
even fully aware of what the things are that stress us.
One of the principles that I talked about a lot
in my one on one v I P coaching practices
(19:44):
that my clients really love is poly bagel theory, which
gives us a way to navigate our own nervous system
to find out uniquely what activates us into fight or
flight response, what activates us into an isol lation or
shutdown response. But the answer is there's no universal answer
(20:05):
for that. Everybody has different attachment trauma with their caregivers,
so the answer is unique for everyone. But it is
truly building awareness on what your triggers are. It could
be as simple as a facial expression. It could be
a tone of voice. I once worked with a mentor.
He and his partner were in a relationship, and my
(20:27):
mentor was just a very loud talker. He grew up
in a home with a father who was a Vietnam veteran,
so he had lost part of his hearing in the
war from all the explosions, So everybody would always have
to talk really loud to dad so that he would
hear it. But that same loud talking in the context
of his romantic relationship was a trigger for his partner,
(20:48):
who always felt like, why are you yelling at me
all the time? He's like, what do you mean, I'm
not yelling at you? You know, for him it was
just what the way that he learned to be heard
from his father. But there's a conscious triggers there that
we're not even aware of more often than not, and
this is one of those things where it really helps
to have the support from a coach, from a therapist,
(21:12):
from somebody who can help you process those emotions. How
many times are you like, I'm feeling so anxious right
now and I'm not even sure exactly why. Conversely, part
of the trauma work isn't just focusing on you know,
the quote unquote damage or the brokenness from the past.
It's also being able to create a map of what
(21:33):
are the times in my life when I felt most
emotionally safe. Where was I, who was I with, what
was the context of that relationship? You know, sometimes it
might not even be people. You might feel safe when
you're in nature. You know, for me, I'd love to
take my dog Brady and walk down to the ocean
a lot. I'm never more in a sense of awe
(21:55):
than I walked down the street to the Delmar Cliffs
here down the street from where I live and just
stare out at the Pacific Ocean. You know, for me,
that just helps me get so centered during any time
when I'm emotionally disregulated. That works for me. There are
other people who like I hate water. I'm afraid of water.
I'm afraid of sharks. I don't want to be anywhere
(22:16):
near the ocean cool. So what is the thing that
makes you feel safe? This is the trauma work that
you do when certainly when you join my coaching programs
or work with a qualified practitioner, it's becoming aware of
the triggers UH that sends you into a disregulated state,
but also helping you get clear on what's going to
(22:39):
help you regulate. The second step, the second ingredient here
that we want to talk about when it comes to
finding safety in uncertain times from within, it's accepting your
emotions without making them wrong or shaming yourself. I was
just on a coaching call earlier today with somebody who
(23:02):
was having some financial difficulty. It was a first call
with a brand new client, and he was carrying so
much shame for the financial decisions that he's made in
the debt that he had accumulated, and then he shamed
himself for feeling the shame because he's read enough personal
development that it's like, oh, you gotta be in a
high vibration and you've gotta feel great all the time.
(23:25):
And the reality is is none of us are going
to feel great all the time. So we can't operate
from a model that just says we're going to shut
out whatever emotions are unwanted. That doesn't make the pain
go away, And in fact, the more we repress those things,
it turns into fear, anxiety, self judgment, and even depression.
(23:46):
So the feelings inside of you want to be felt
and accepted. The same way that you want to be
seen and heard and accepted by others. So when you
turn away and deny your emotions, when you go to
cope devices and have a glass of wine or just
doomed scroll on Facebook or Instagram, you're denying part of yourself.
(24:08):
You know, Think about how you were treated as a
child when you were processing difficult emotions. Did your parents
know what to do with it? Where you sent away
to your room until you could quote act right, Where
you told that you're being a baby. You know, there
are many men that I work with that we're shamed
by fathers when they cried and they were told, you know,
(24:30):
you're being a little girl, or you're being the P word,
they would throw that out. And what ends up happening
is we do the same thing to ourselves as adults
when we deny those emotional states. Were essentially being the unavailable,
toxic parents that we had growing up. And that doesn't
(24:50):
help you, and it doesn't help anyone. Your heart has
the capacity to hold all of your emotions. And I
can tell you that nobody has ever died from feeling
an emotion. There are many people and we see the
suicide rates climbing and just anecdotally in my life, I
hear more and more stories from my circle about people
(25:12):
who have lost friends, loved ones, acquaintances, coworkers to suicide.
Right people have died from not feeling emotions. But when
you are in a state of acceptance and you practice
allowing yourself to feel everything, those negative emotions that come up,
they start to soften, they start to move through you.
(25:32):
You're not just containing all these things and holding it in,
and that will create balance and safety from within. The
third step to help you create safety from within no
matter what is happening in the external world, is to
know your purpose. One of the biggest misconceptions when people
slide into my d m s on Instagram, they think
(25:54):
purpose is this epic, larger than life thing that they
have to do. It's not the thing that you do,
your career, choice, your vocation, the business you want to start,
the book you want to write. It's just a vehicle
through which you live your purpose. Purpose is the emotional
states that you generate within yourself every day. They're the
emotions you most want to feel and share with the world.
(26:17):
How do you share it through goals, creative pursuits that
lights you up and make you feel alive. So this
goes hand in hand with point number two when we're
talking about accepting your emotions and not denying them. If
you are just one of the people who are going
through the motions, living like a frigging zombie every day
(26:38):
and you're cut off from your emotions, you're cut off
from the actual vital force within you that allows you
to live your purpose. And if you do not know
your purpose, then you're gonna be aimless. You're just gonna
wander in life from job to job. Everybody else's priorities
will become your priorities when you don't know your purpose.
(26:59):
There are plenty of people in your inbox right now,
in your text messages, in your in your Facebook feed,
Instagram who are going to try to tell you what
your direction should be. Wouldn't it be great to take
back your power today. Knowing your purpose is the first step,
and by the way, if you need some assistance with that,
(27:22):
my coaching programs are the fastest way to help you
move through the fourth and final step to create emotional
safety from within, it's your relationships. You have to have
safe relationships, starting with yourself. That's what these first three
steps are all about. It's about your self actualization. It's
(27:43):
doing your trauma work. It's knowing what your triggers are.
It's knowing your unique map to get you back to
a regulated, safe emotional place. It's being able to accept
the unpleasant emotions that come up. That's building a relationship
with yourself. Knowing your purpose is a way to build
a relationship with yourself. But purpose has to be shared,
(28:07):
meaning that you need safe corregulation around you. You need
an inspiring tribe. Just this week, I've reconnected with somebody
in my life who was really important to me a
couple of years ago, and you know, life took us
in separate directions, and you know, we've been working on
a project together actually, and just having those phone calls.
(28:27):
It's been so nice, you know, just to have somebody
you like cheering each other on and working towards a
common goal has been just really a boost to my
energy over the past couple of days. And when I
think about the times in my life that were the
most joyous, like those moments in life when you reflect
(28:48):
back and you're like, man, this is what life should be.
Oddly enough, it's never about the accolades that I've achieved
in my life. It's never about the money I've made,
the TV shows I've been on, the ride ups I've
had in the media. It's not even about the life
I've created for myself living here my dream on the
(29:09):
beach in southern California. Those most remarkable moments all involve
other people. It's the simple moments when everybody was just
you know, when everybody was getting along and laughing, laughing
so hard that milk would have shot out your nose.
Sharing those intimate, vulnerable moments where I could feel fully
seen and I could share all of me and people
(29:30):
were right there with me and they loved me. When
I could give that back to them. You know, you
can have the dream career, you can make a great living,
you can have a beautiful home and and have all
the material positions in the world. And if you don't
have relationships in your life where people lift you up
(29:50):
and cheer you on. If you don't, if you don't
have that, you're still broke, You're still poor. You know.
It's one of the things that I've loved so much
in my group coaching programs this year is watching groups
of strangers come together and build these awesome supportive relationships.
You know, and and I know that that's there. I've
read the feedback forms from my clients, like just having
(30:12):
people where it's not transactional, nobody wants anything from you.
They just see you for who you are and they
accept you and love you. That's my great wish for you,
that you can build those safe relationships in your life.
And how do you get there. It's through emotional vulnerability
and intimacy, which means you need to be accepting all
(30:33):
these parts of yourself. So that's why I told you
like these there's no order. There's no order to these
four steps. I'm giving you. All the principles stand on
their own, but the more that you can incorporate these
into your life, I promise you are going to experience
so much safety. You won't be obsessed over whatever the
(30:54):
latest headlines are in CNN. You're not going to be
reacting to how much you lost in your four oh
and K or your stock prices or how your business
went this month. So the four steps again, to create
emotional safety from within, do your trauma work. That is
an awareness of your triggers, how they affect your unique
nervous system and also knowing how to get regulated back
(31:18):
to a position of safety. Number two. Acceptance of your emotions, yes,
even the ones you don't think you should be feeling.
Being able to love all parts of yourself on the
messy days as well as the joyous days. Number three.
Know your purpose. That's your direction in life, at your
north star, and if you don't have it, you're gonna
(31:38):
be wandering forever. And number four, safe relationships. You know,
we've talked on this podcast before about the pluses, minuses,
and equals. You need a plus. You need a mentor
somebody who is further ahead than you, who has achieved
the things that you want to create. You need the equals,
you know, you need the supportive tribe of people who
(32:00):
leave what you believe in and are marching in the
same direction. And the minuses are not the negative naysayers.
We are not tolerating that in our life, and you're
not going to tolerate that in your life. But those
are the people that you share your hope, your inspiration,
your knowledge, your gifts with. Those are your mentees. If
you can find a balance of that in your life, man,
(32:22):
that's an amplified life. That's going to take you to
the next level. If there's anything that I can do
to support you on that journey. Man, there's never been
a more important time in history for us to be
doing this work, for you to have a mentor of
structure and an implementation system to help you create safety
within yourself. Go to my website Creative Soul Coaching dot
(32:45):
net you can fill out an application, or if you
follow me on Instagram at c SC Dan Mason, you
can go to my link tree blink in my bio
and you can fill that out and we'll get you
all set up there. You know, we could get started
on a coaching learning together as soon as next week.
It would be my honor to serve you in the meantime.
If this podcast was meaningful for you today, could you
(33:07):
please screenshot at uploaded to Instagram tag me at c
SC Dan Mason. Let me know what were your breakthroughs,
What was your number one insight? What is the thing
that you're thinking about differently that you're committed to doing
differently and allowing into your life, And be sure to
share this with a friend. You never know if somebody
(33:28):
is struggling, this podcast could be the very first baby
step to help them turn it around. I love you
so much. Thank you for being part of my community.
Thank you for listening, and don't forget. Turned down the
volume on your negativity, turn up the volume on your
purpose so you can live life amplified. I'll talk to
you next time.
One of the biggest conversations happening in my coaching community
right now and really over the last two and a
half years of the pandemic is about how to feel safe.
Safe enough to use your voice and be seen as
a leader, safe enough to leave an unfulfilling corporate job
to follow your calling, safe enough to set boundaries at
work and in relationships, safe enough to ask for your needs, and, unfortunately,
(00:26):
in light of the headlines happening here in the United States,
safe enough to do things like go to the supermarket
or send your kids to school. The need for safety
and security is primal, but the question is how do
you get there. If you're like most clients I work with,
you might not have been taught how to feel safe
(00:48):
within yourself, and as a result, it keeps you in
patterns of trying to control and manipulate the external circumstances
of your life and living in reaction to reaction. What
do you say when I in that pattern? Beginning today,
coming up this week on Life Amplified, we're going to
talk about how to create safety in uncertain times, but
(01:10):
do it from within. Welcome back. What is an amplified life?
It's having amplified relationships with people who support and encourage
you to be your best. It's having amplified energy to
conquer the challenges of the day. And it's having an
amplified career, one that's meaningful to you, the world, and
(01:31):
your bank accounts. I'm Dan Mason helping you discover your
calling and create an amplified life on your terms. This
is the Life Amplified Podcast. It's almost become cliche in
the self development world right now, as we've gone from
a pandemic into contentious politics, into Vladimir Putin and now
(01:57):
inflation and a gun crisis in the United States, with
all of these mass murders, it's become a cliche for
people like me to talk about finding calm amidst the chaos,
and I personally believe that's just a really shitty thing
to say to people. It's an unrealistic outcome. There is
(02:17):
so much happening both around us in the world and
within us as a result of that, as we deal
with our own emotional triggers, being calm is an unrealistic goal.
Where we really want to get to is a sense
of creating safety. Safety is the pathway to calm and
(02:38):
safety is so important that famous psychologist Abraham Maslow placed
it right behind the survival essentials like food, water, and
shelter on his famous hierarchy of human needs. But when
you think about it, if we don't have emotional safety,
it is almost impossible to fully open your heart, to
share your love and to give your gifts to the world.
(03:02):
But when Maslow talked about safety being a primal survival
needs so many years ago, he did it in the
context of finding safety externally. According to Maslow, safety is
what we got within our family system. It was something
that we could get from the government, from the police,
and from having a steady nine to five job. Great
(03:24):
in theory, but Maslow wasn't living in two like you
and I are. And so many of those systems that
were depended on years ago to give us a sense
of certainty, of predictability and routine to our life are
less reliable, you know. And I'm not going to turn
this into a political discussion. That's not what it's about.
(03:46):
You know. If you look at the statistics, it doesn't
matter which political party is in power. People are upset,
people are angry. They feel like their needs aren't being met.
I mean the approval rating for the Congress right now
is somewhere a you know, I think we realize that
even the most well meaning politicians in the American political
(04:07):
system get swallowed up by the machine. They become very
attached to that corporate lobbyist money, so they're not always
taking the action or supporting policies that the vast majority
of people in the United States approve of. You know,
if you look at the recent school shooting in Texas,
and I'm not somebody who is anti police, I have
(04:28):
so much respect for law enforcement. I have friends who
are in law enforcement. But by any measure, what happened
at that school in Texas was an utter failure on
the part of law enforcement to protect those babies inside
the school. And certainly, if we just look at the
family system and you know, all the trauma that results
(04:50):
from our attachment patterns and our relationship to our caregivers,
that's not always the safest environment. And one of the
things I've discovered after coaching unfulfilled high performers across eighteen
countries at this point is there is a childhood conditioning
that happens from an early age. And I'm not saying
it's done in a malicious way. But when you think
(05:12):
about it, as a child, you were powerless to some
extent to protect yourself or to take care of your
own needs. So the way that we learned and our
condition to get the safety is through what I call
the three safety traps of the unfulfilled high performer. You know,
it is my contention on this podcast today that most
(05:34):
of us are taught to give away our power and
seek safety outside of ourselves, and we do it in
three very predictable patterns. So just check within yourself and
notice which of these resonates more for you. One of
the ways that we learned to get to safety is
through accolades. You know, this is the syndrome of the
(05:57):
golden child, where you the one in the family that
mom and dad looked to to make the honor role
that you had to win the trophies and be the
best at everything, be the best student, be the best athlete,
make your family proud. For many clients who come to me, uh,
that's the thing. Love and safety was based on performance,
(06:17):
and anything less than being an A plus student was
met with disapproval from the parents. I can't count how
many times over the last several years that I've had
clients who came home with report cards where they had
straight a's and one be and rather than being celebrated
and getting an at a boy or an at a girl,
the parent usually looked and goes, well, what was up
(06:39):
with this be and algebra? What do we have to
do to get that up? And you know, it creates
a subconscious monologue within people at an early age that says,
I am not enough, and I must work harder to
make my family proud. That getting safety, getting to love
is based on what I'm accomplishing. Love is conditional. Safety
(07:02):
is conditional, and I have to do all the things
to be worthy of it. So that is the first
safety trap that we'll talk about today. However, there are
many children who grew up in a home where self
abandonment was the key to safety. In short, they had
to be the responsible ones. Where you asked to give
(07:24):
up part of your childhood in some way to play
the role of a caretaker. Maybe you were the oldest
sibling and you had to be responsible for your younger
brothers and sisters. If mom and dad were working all
the time, if you grew up in a dysfunctional home,
with disregulated parents, you may very well have had to
have been the parent to your parents. It's a big
(07:45):
thing that happens, especially with my clients who had an
addict for a parent. They were so busy, you know,
trying to pour out the vodka on the bottles and
putting water in there, and just learning all the ways
that they had to take are of the people around them, uh,
to keep the family afloat and to keep things safe.
But in the process, nobody was really checking in with
(08:09):
them to see what they needed. You know. In fact,
if a child in this sort of environment spoke up
for their needs or if they were processing difficult emotions,
the adults in the home would respond with, oh, yeah,
well what about me. You know. One of my clients
tells the story of having a mother growing up who
(08:30):
when she would complain that, you know, mom wasn't there
for her. Mom's responses, well, what are you complaining about?
Why should I do that for you? Nobody was there
for me, and it just perpetuates the trauma pattern over time. So,
you know, for people in this self abandonment pattern, denying
their emotions and needs in order to rescue others is
(08:52):
how they learned to feel control and safety. The third
safety trap that I want to talk about today is acquiescing.
These clients and childhood had to just quietly comply with
household rules, no matter how rigid, no matter how realistic,
because if they didn't there was going to be some
(09:14):
sort of emotional or physical punishment, you know, So for
these people to stand out and speak up would make
them a target. They were taught children should be seen,
not heard. They learned that safety was the prize that
you get for not rocking the boat. Now, I don't
want to judge any of these patterns when you were
a child and you were still relatively powerless and don't
(09:37):
have the wherewithal to go out in the world and
take care of yourself. These traps work in your developmental years.
They are protection patterns. They keep you safe. But when
they go unaddressed and unhealed, over time, the traps become maladaptive.
We become adults who are constantly coping and searching for approval,
(09:59):
searching for something outside of ourselves that's going to create safety,
and all it really does at the end of the day.
While the the safety might be short term, what we
get in the long run is overwhelmed, resentment, and anxiety,
and that happens both in your career and in your relationships.
You know, think about how these patterns developed in childhood
(10:22):
are playing out into your life right now. If you
are an unhappy, unfulfilled, high performer, your corporate job may
now be the place where you're available around the clock
to take care of everybody, to take care of problems,
usually at the expense of yourself and the people you love.
You know, we've talked a few episodes back about that
(10:43):
burden of the breadwinner, with people who are working so
hard out of a sense of responsibility to please the
corporate overlords and to bring in income to take care
of the family. But they're so attached to the job
because they need the safety of the corporate paycheck that
it's pulling them away from the people that they love.
(11:05):
That creates resentment at home. And now they're in this
cycle of working in a job that they hate every
day to take care of a family that they don't
that they don't believe appreciates all the hard work that
they're putting in. That's a tough way to go. If
you're putting fifty five hours a weekend at a job
you're only getting paid forty hour a week salary for
(11:26):
that's the self abandonment trap coming in again. And then
when burnout sets in, you might have an impulse to
set a boundary with work that you want to step away,
that you want to say no. But if you believe
that your sense of safety is linked to that paycheck
in the four oh one k, you'll always make an exception.
(11:46):
You know, you'll say, well, just this time, this project,
I'm going to help out, and then next time I'll
set the boundary. But that's just another form of the
acquiescing trap. And as we've talked about on this podcast,
a lot corporate can be the high achiever's outlet to
satisfy the accolade trap, where the next promotion, the next
pay raise, the next President's Club award is your way
(12:09):
to feel valued, loved and safe. And then it creates
a pattern where you're climbing to the top of every
ladder and you still don't feel like it's enough, like
you haven't made it because you're operating from that trauma
pattern that says whatever I do is not enough. I
gotta work a little harder, I gotta push a little further,
and that's a recipe eventually for the proverbial midlife crisis.
(12:33):
So it's a recap those three safety traps that are
developed in childhood that keep us in the sedictive cycle
of looking for safety outside of ourselves. Accolades, self abandonment,
and acquiescing. And I want you to understand that we
can take this pattern that we're talking about about seeking
safety in corporate America and you can apply it to
(12:56):
anything in your life. Are there places where you self
abandoned and an acquiesce in romantic relationships in order to
get to safety? Many people do. Are there places where
you know you're not so much worried about accumulating the
next job title or promotion, but you think that safety
is going to come from your investment portfolio or your
(13:18):
crypto account, uh that you think that your safety will
come from your marriage or by your children performing well.
So the key coaching point here is that nothing external
to you can create a long term experience of internal
safety because anything external to you is subject to change.
(13:41):
We're already seeing this right now that a vast majority
of cryptocurrencies are going bankrupt. There's there's many of them
that are essentially worthless. Right now, how's your stock portfolio looking.
I was the guy that in two thousand seven went
and bought myself a really nice home and a gated
community because I was told that that was a great investment,
(14:03):
you want to put your money into property. And then
the housing crash happened, and within three months of me
buying my home, the value had fallen in half. I
was so far underwater that this thing I should be
excited to come home to, this beautiful home that was
supposed to be a safe sanctuary, felt like a burden.
Like I was just resentful every time I paid the
(14:24):
mortgage on that place. There was a time in my
life when I thought my safety was in my romantic
relationship and my marriage. And when my marriage imploded after
a whopping six months, hello Dan pulling a Kim Kardashian
on that one. Then I was sitting in my kitchen
at rock bottom thinking about whether I was just going
(14:44):
to opt out of life because now I didn't know
I you know, I had lost my marriage. There was
no way to security. The other second coaching point here
when we talk about safety, is that anything your subconscious
mind or your nervous system links to safety it's almost
impossible to let go of or to walk away from.
You know, if you believe that your corporate job is
(15:07):
the only way to financial security and that you could
never pivot in careers or generate uh an abundant income
doing the things you love, You're going to fight to
hang onto a job, even if it makes you miserable.
Because remember, safety is is it's a survival need. It's primal.
(15:28):
This is one of the challenges that we're having in
the United States right now when it comes to gun reform.
And again this is not a political podcast, but I
do want to make the observation there is a number
of Americans in this country that equate owning multiple firearms
or a semi automatic rifle. They equate it with their
(15:48):
safety and their freedom, which is exactly why they will
fight like hell to hang onto it, even in the
face of mass shootings. There was a pold today that
four or four percent of people believe that mass shootings
are just the price that we have to pay for freedom.
For me personally, that's a tough view of the world
(16:08):
when you value gun ownership over losing lives. Now on
a daily basis, it's not particularly the way that I believe,
But it drives home the point on how hard it
is to let go of anything in your life that
you believe is a link to safety. That's why people
stay in toxic marriages and relationships because they're not happy
(16:32):
where they are. But at least it's certain if they
went out and became single. For some of those people,
they don't know if anybody would love them, and that
feels unsafe, So at least they know that they could
stay in the shitty, unfulfilling relationship every day. Addiction works
the same way. You know, how many people believe that
smoking the cigarette is their link to calm, that it
(16:53):
helps them mellow out. Why so many people will, you know,
habitually drink each night after work. It's a really valuable
exercise right now, what to assess, what are the things
outside of me that I believe make me safe? And
how could I learn to create that within myself. Coming
(17:14):
up after the break, we're gonna pivot the discussion and
I'm going to give you my best strategies to help
you create safety in uncertain times and create it from within.
Earlier in the podcast, I mentioned Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of
needs and he said, our need for safety is so
(17:36):
strong that human beings could not pursue growth oriented needs
like love and belonging, self actualization, and you know, self
esteem like esteemable goals and accomplishments in pursuits. We couldn't
have those things until we created safety first. But again,
(17:57):
as I told you, Maslow's perspective on how we got
to safety was from outside institutions. It was all about family, government,
the police, a successful nine to five job. I believe,
more than any time in our history, we need to
look at Maslow's hierarchy with updated and fresh approaches that
(18:17):
fit for because as so many of those external systems
that we used to lean on for safety have failed us.
You know, it's creating an environment where nobody feels safe.
Everybody is seeking approval, They're seeking to consume safety in
the world. They're seeking validation, but we don't know how
to get there within ourselves. I would argue today that
(18:41):
it's actually those growth oriented needs self actualization, which you
could also say or purpose love and belonging and purposeful,
meaningful accomplishments, that is the path to true emotional safety,
long standing emotional safety. So what I wanted to do
(19:02):
here is just share the four things. These are four ingredients.
There's no hierarchy to them. Each of these principles stand
on their own. You don't have to do them in order,
but these are the things in your life that are
going to help you create safety from within even when
the world feels like a ship show. Number one, doing
(19:24):
your trauma work, that's doing the inner work. It's building
awareness of your triggers. So often we talk about the
stress that we have in our lives, but we're not
even fully aware of what the things are that stress us.
One of the principles that I talked about a lot
in my one on one v I P coaching practices
(19:44):
that my clients really love is poly bagel theory, which
gives us a way to navigate our own nervous system
to find out uniquely what activates us into fight or
flight response, what activates us into an isol lation or
shutdown response. But the answer is there's no universal answer
(20:05):
for that. Everybody has different attachment trauma with their caregivers,
so the answer is unique for everyone. But it is
truly building awareness on what your triggers are. It could
be as simple as a facial expression. It could be
a tone of voice. I once worked with a mentor.
He and his partner were in a relationship, and my
(20:27):
mentor was just a very loud talker. He grew up
in a home with a father who was a Vietnam veteran,
so he had lost part of his hearing in the
war from all the explosions, So everybody would always have
to talk really loud to dad so that he would
hear it. But that same loud talking in the context
of his romantic relationship was a trigger for his partner,
(20:48):
who always felt like, why are you yelling at me
all the time? He's like, what do you mean, I'm
not yelling at you? You know, for him it was
just what the way that he learned to be heard
from his father. But there's a conscious triggers there that
we're not even aware of more often than not, and
this is one of those things where it really helps
to have the support from a coach, from a therapist,
(21:12):
from somebody who can help you process those emotions. How
many times are you like, I'm feeling so anxious right
now and I'm not even sure exactly why. Conversely, part
of the trauma work isn't just focusing on you know,
the quote unquote damage or the brokenness from the past.
It's also being able to create a map of what
(21:33):
are the times in my life when I felt most
emotionally safe. Where was I, who was I with, what
was the context of that relationship? You know, sometimes it
might not even be people. You might feel safe when
you're in nature. You know, for me, I'd love to
take my dog Brady and walk down to the ocean
a lot. I'm never more in a sense of awe
(21:55):
than I walked down the street to the Delmar Cliffs
here down the street from where I live and just
stare out at the Pacific Ocean. You know, for me,
that just helps me get so centered during any time
when I'm emotionally disregulated. That works for me. There are
other people who like I hate water. I'm afraid of water.
I'm afraid of sharks. I don't want to be anywhere
(22:16):
near the ocean cool. So what is the thing that
makes you feel safe? This is the trauma work that
you do when certainly when you join my coaching programs
or work with a qualified practitioner, it's becoming aware of
the triggers UH that sends you into a disregulated state,
but also helping you get clear on what's going to
(22:39):
help you regulate. The second step, the second ingredient here
that we want to talk about when it comes to
finding safety in uncertain times from within, it's accepting your
emotions without making them wrong or shaming yourself. I was
just on a coaching call earlier today with somebody who
(23:02):
was having some financial difficulty. It was a first call
with a brand new client, and he was carrying so
much shame for the financial decisions that he's made in
the debt that he had accumulated, and then he shamed
himself for feeling the shame because he's read enough personal
development that it's like, oh, you gotta be in a
high vibration and you've gotta feel great all the time.
(23:25):
And the reality is is none of us are going
to feel great all the time. So we can't operate
from a model that just says we're going to shut
out whatever emotions are unwanted. That doesn't make the pain
go away, And in fact, the more we repress those things,
it turns into fear, anxiety, self judgment, and even depression.
(23:46):
So the feelings inside of you want to be felt
and accepted. The same way that you want to be
seen and heard and accepted by others. So when you
turn away and deny your emotions, when you go to
cope devices and have a glass of wine or just
doomed scroll on Facebook or Instagram, you're denying part of yourself.
(24:08):
You know, Think about how you were treated as a
child when you were processing difficult emotions. Did your parents
know what to do with it? Where you sent away
to your room until you could quote act right, Where
you told that you're being a baby. You know, there
are many men that I work with that we're shamed
by fathers when they cried and they were told, you know,
(24:30):
you're being a little girl, or you're being the P word,
they would throw that out. And what ends up happening
is we do the same thing to ourselves as adults
when we deny those emotional states. Were essentially being the unavailable,
toxic parents that we had growing up. And that doesn't
(24:50):
help you, and it doesn't help anyone. Your heart has
the capacity to hold all of your emotions. And I
can tell you that nobody has ever died from feeling
an emotion. There are many people and we see the
suicide rates climbing and just anecdotally in my life, I
hear more and more stories from my circle about people
(25:12):
who have lost friends, loved ones, acquaintances, coworkers to suicide.
Right people have died from not feeling emotions. But when
you are in a state of acceptance and you practice
allowing yourself to feel everything, those negative emotions that come up,
they start to soften, they start to move through you.
(25:32):
You're not just containing all these things and holding it in,
and that will create balance and safety from within. The
third step to help you create safety from within no
matter what is happening in the external world, is to
know your purpose. One of the biggest misconceptions when people
slide into my d m s on Instagram, they think
(25:54):
purpose is this epic, larger than life thing that they
have to do. It's not the thing that you do,
your career, choice, your vocation, the business you want to start,
the book you want to write. It's just a vehicle
through which you live your purpose. Purpose is the emotional
states that you generate within yourself every day. They're the
emotions you most want to feel and share with the world.
(26:17):
How do you share it through goals, creative pursuits that
lights you up and make you feel alive. So this
goes hand in hand with point number two when we're
talking about accepting your emotions and not denying them. If
you are just one of the people who are going
through the motions, living like a frigging zombie every day
(26:38):
and you're cut off from your emotions, you're cut off
from the actual vital force within you that allows you
to live your purpose. And if you do not know
your purpose, then you're gonna be aimless. You're just gonna
wander in life from job to job. Everybody else's priorities
will become your priorities when you don't know your purpose.
(26:59):
There are plenty of people in your inbox right now,
in your text messages, in your in your Facebook feed,
Instagram who are going to try to tell you what
your direction should be. Wouldn't it be great to take
back your power today. Knowing your purpose is the first step,
and by the way, if you need some assistance with that,
(27:22):
my coaching programs are the fastest way to help you
move through the fourth and final step to create emotional
safety from within, it's your relationships. You have to have
safe relationships, starting with yourself. That's what these first three
steps are all about. It's about your self actualization. It's
(27:43):
doing your trauma work. It's knowing what your triggers are.
It's knowing your unique map to get you back to
a regulated, safe emotional place. It's being able to accept
the unpleasant emotions that come up. That's building a relationship
with yourself. Knowing your purpose is a way to build
a relationship with yourself. But purpose has to be shared,
(28:07):
meaning that you need safe corregulation around you. You need
an inspiring tribe. Just this week, I've reconnected with somebody
in my life who was really important to me a
couple of years ago, and you know, life took us
in separate directions, and you know, we've been working on
a project together actually, and just having those phone calls.
(28:27):
It's been so nice, you know, just to have somebody
you like cheering each other on and working towards a
common goal has been just really a boost to my
energy over the past couple of days. And when I
think about the times in my life that were the
most joyous, like those moments in life when you reflect
(28:48):
back and you're like, man, this is what life should be.
Oddly enough, it's never about the accolades that I've achieved
in my life. It's never about the money I've made,
the TV shows I've been on, the ride ups I've
had in the media. It's not even about the life
I've created for myself living here my dream on the
(29:09):
beach in southern California. Those most remarkable moments all involve
other people. It's the simple moments when everybody was just
you know, when everybody was getting along and laughing, laughing
so hard that milk would have shot out your nose.
Sharing those intimate, vulnerable moments where I could feel fully
seen and I could share all of me and people
(29:30):
were right there with me and they loved me. When
I could give that back to them. You know, you
can have the dream career, you can make a great living,
you can have a beautiful home and and have all
the material positions in the world. And if you don't
have relationships in your life where people lift you up
(29:50):
and cheer you on. If you don't, if you don't
have that, you're still broke, You're still poor. You know.
It's one of the things that I've loved so much
in my group coaching programs this year is watching groups
of strangers come together and build these awesome supportive relationships.
You know, and and I know that that's there. I've
read the feedback forms from my clients, like just having
(30:12):
people where it's not transactional, nobody wants anything from you.
They just see you for who you are and they
accept you and love you. That's my great wish for you,
that you can build those safe relationships in your life.
And how do you get there. It's through emotional vulnerability
and intimacy, which means you need to be accepting all
(30:33):
these parts of yourself. So that's why I told you
like these there's no order. There's no order to these
four steps. I'm giving you. All the principles stand on
their own, but the more that you can incorporate these
into your life, I promise you are going to experience
so much safety. You won't be obsessed over whatever the
(30:54):
latest headlines are in CNN. You're not going to be
reacting to how much you lost in your four oh
and K or your stock prices or how your business
went this month. So the four steps again, to create
emotional safety from within, do your trauma work. That is
an awareness of your triggers, how they affect your unique
nervous system and also knowing how to get regulated back
(31:18):
to a position of safety. Number two. Acceptance of your emotions, yes,
even the ones you don't think you should be feeling.
Being able to love all parts of yourself on the
messy days as well as the joyous days. Number three.
Know your purpose. That's your direction in life, at your
north star, and if you don't have it, you're gonna
(31:38):
be wandering forever. And number four, safe relationships. You know,
we've talked on this podcast before about the pluses, minuses,
and equals. You need a plus. You need a mentor
somebody who is further ahead than you, who has achieved
the things that you want to create. You need the equals,
you know, you need the supportive tribe of people who
(32:00):
leave what you believe in and are marching in the
same direction. And the minuses are not the negative naysayers.
We are not tolerating that in our life, and you're
not going to tolerate that in your life. But those
are the people that you share your hope, your inspiration,
your knowledge, your gifts with. Those are your mentees. If
you can find a balance of that in your life, man,
(32:22):
that's an amplified life. That's going to take you to
the next level. If there's anything that I can do
to support you on that journey. Man, there's never been
a more important time in history for us to be
doing this work, for you to have a mentor of
structure and an implementation system to help you create safety
within yourself. Go to my website Creative Soul Coaching dot
(32:45):
net you can fill out an application, or if you
follow me on Instagram at c SC Dan Mason, you
can go to my link tree blink in my bio
and you can fill that out and we'll get you
all set up there. You know, we could get started
on a coaching learning together as soon as next week.
It would be my honor to serve you in the meantime.
If this podcast was meaningful for you today, could you
(33:07):
please screenshot at uploaded to Instagram tag me at c
SC Dan Mason. Let me know what were your breakthroughs,
What was your number one insight? What is the thing
that you're thinking about differently that you're committed to doing
differently and allowing into your life, And be sure to
share this with a friend. You never know if somebody
(33:28):
is struggling, this podcast could be the very first baby
step to help them turn it around. I love you
so much. Thank you for being part of my community.
Thank you for listening, and don't forget. Turned down the
volume on your negativity, turn up the volume on your
purpose so you can live life amplified. I'll talk to
you next time.
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