November 29, 2017 • 43 mins
Stephen Lovegrove is #AmericasLifeCoach, helping entrepreneurs, celebrities, and world leaders reach the next level. He's the author of the book "How to Find Yourself, Love Yourself, and Be Yourself." Some of the topics we cover in this discussion are: Stephen's journey to self-love and acceptance after being raised in a fundamentalist religious cult. How to dismantle fear based thoughts and find love for yourself and the people around you. The importance of fighting for your truth and why many people wait until later in life to do it. Why the traumatic memories you are most afraid of will ultimately lead you to emotional freedom. The #1 action step you can take to honor your truth and be yourself starting now. Find Stephen online at StephenLovegrove.Us Find Dan online at www.creativesoulcoaching.net Connect with Dan on Facebook.com/CSoulCoaching or Instagram and twitter @CSCDanMason
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Episode five, How to Find Yourself, Love Yourself, and Be
Yourself with America's life coach Stephan Love Grow. My name
is Dan Mason. In I was overweight, getting divorced, battling depression,
and feeling trapped in a career where I was successful
but bored and unfulfilled. And it's actually the greatest gift
(00:20):
I've ever been given. I used my pain as a
springboard to discover my life's purpose. Now I want to
share the same tools and strategies which helped transform my
life with you so you can live life amplify. A
(00:42):
young woman approached me at one of my recent speaking
engagements very frustrated. She said she hears motivational speakers, coaches,
and transformational gurus always talk about the importance of why
you have to be yourself and love yourself. But, as
she pointed out, if she knew how to do that,
she'd been doing it every day. The problem she experienced
(01:03):
is she had spent so many years trying to meet
the expectations of her family, her church, her peer group,
and ex boyfriends, that somewhere along the way she lost
that connection to who she even was in the first place.
And that's why I enlisted the help of my buddy
Stephan Love Growth Today. He's a transformational coach who takes entrepreneurs, celebrities,
(01:25):
and world leaders to the next level. His work has
been featured at NBC, Fox, MTV, the Oprah Winfrey Network,
and The Los Angeles Times. He's also the author of
the book How to Find Yourself, Love Yourself, and Be Yourself,
the Secret instruction Manual for being Human. During our recent conversation,
we discussed such topics is how to dismantle your fear
(01:47):
based thoughts and find more love for yourself and the
people around you, why creating a lasting, meaningful change is
an inside job, the importance of fighting for your truth,
and why most people don't do it till later in life,
why the traumatic memories you don't want to confront are
precisely what will lead you to emotional freedom, and finally,
(02:08):
the one action step which will help you find yourself Today.
You're gonna love Stephen's energy, and I think you're really
gonna love his message. If so, please share this podcast
with a friend. I want to get this out there
too as many people as we can, and don't forget.
You can follow us on the I Heart Radio app
or click subscribe wherever you listen to your favorite podcast.
(02:30):
And if you want to connect with Stephen and I online,
just screenshot this podcast, upload it to Instagram or Twitter.
Be sure to tag him at Dr love Grove and
you can find me at c SC. Dan Mason will
be sure to reply to all of your comments. In
the meantime, get out of pen and paper take notes.
(02:50):
You're gonna learn how to find yourself, love yourself, and
be yourself with Stephen love Growth. He is America's life coach,
and thank God, because America needs a life coach right now.
If you spent any time on the news, Stephen love
Grove is on life amplified. Hello, my friend, Hello, Hello,
I I couldn't agree with you more. It's a little
(03:13):
bit of a crazy moment for America right now. But
I'm happy to be here and I'm happy to serve.
I want to talk to you all about your book,
How to Find Yourself, Love Yourself, and be Yourself, which
a simple idea in theory, not always easy in practice.
I know in my life, if I think back ten
years ago, I used to think I was one more
(03:33):
episode of Oprah away, or I was one more Deepak
Choper guided meditation away from just downloading all this self
love and my life being perfect, and in fact, it
uh took many years and a great deal of time
for me to arrive there. How do we do it?
How do we finally learn self acceptance and self love? Dan?
(03:54):
I'm so with you here because I was meditating with
Ramen Noodle in my dorm room as a college student
back in the day, and so I've gone through many
of those experiences, you know, using the sanscript mantra and
trying to trying to make it work for myself. Ultimately,
I think everybody gets to a point where you realize
(04:16):
my life is the teaching tool, and the experiences that
I'm having right now, whether I like them or not,
whether I feel like I chose them consciously or not,
this is the classroom for me. And so I'm all
for every form of learning, whether coaching, podcasts like this one, books, etcetera.
(04:37):
But ultimately, the best material we have to learn from
is our life. And so I hope even from our
conversation today, this isn't a detached thing where you listen
for thirty forty five minutes and then go back unchanged.
The idea is to take something practical and really work
your life, because I feel like that is the classroom
(04:59):
for all of us. I've it for many years that
Paine is a teacher, and it goes away when we
learned the lesson that it's here to teach us. So
tell me how this has played out in your life. Obviously,
you and I are both here to teach what it
is that we've had to learn. Tell me about your
journey to finding, loving, and being yourself. I grew up
(05:21):
in South Carolina in what I think can very accurately
be called as a fundamentalist religious call um. I often
compare it to the town of Beaumont in Footloose For
a lot of people familiar with that movie or that musical. Uh,
we weren't allowed to drink, we weren't allowed to dance,
we weren't allowed to listen to music with drums in it.
(05:41):
I mean, it was a very sheltered, full of dogma
kind of upbringing. And really, if we look at it
on the level of thought, there were two things that
dominated what I was raised with. Number one was this
idea of separation on all levels. Um. We were separate
(06:01):
from even the people in our own religion that we
didn't agree with, and we were separate from other countries
and separate from people who fought or believed or voted
differently than us. And ultimately, at the core, the system
taught me to believe you are separate from God, and
God is angry with you, and you're going to hell,
(06:22):
and you need to be terrified of being on God's
bad side. And so I grew up in this whole
thought system of separation, which lead to thing number two,
which is constantly being afraid. When I look back on
my childhood, there was so much fear, and ultimately I
realized I was afraid of myself. Um, And so I
(06:44):
get to college, I have now left the cult, and
I'm trying to figure out what the hell my life
is gonna look like at this point. Right. I know
that I don't want what I grew up with. I
know that's not how I view myself, how I view God,
how I viewed a world anymore. But I really had
to start over. And you know, I feel so much
(07:05):
for people anyone listening today who has reached a point
in their life where, for whatever reason, they've got to
start over. You know, maybe it's a choice that they made.
Maybe it's a choice that somebody else made that affected them,
but like it or not, we find ourselves at these
moments where we have to start over. And so for me,
that was the beginning. I had to figure out who
(07:26):
I was, what I believed, what I was supposed to
do with my life, and really most of all, how
I was going to come to a place of self
love and acceptance. And so you're absolutely right. We end
up teaching exactly what we needed to learn, and for me,
it all began with stuff I needed to learn for myself. Brother,
I totally appreciate that share, and I feel you I
(07:49):
I resonate with that. I wouldn't consider the church I
grew up into be a cult, but it was a
hell fire and brimstone fundamentalist speaking in tongues Pentecostal Church.
And I remember as early as age eleven, having legitimate
anxiety attacks as a kid that the rapture was going
to happen and I would be left behind, especially because
(08:10):
I just hit puberty and hormones were raging, and there
was always shame on that based on what I was
told about the Bible, and I see this play out
in various forms now from people from all backgrounds. You know,
we talked about Jewish guilt, Catholic guilt. I see this
with clients, and I share none of this to bash religion.
(08:30):
That's not what this discussion is. But I think we
need to have an honest conversation exactly about what you're
talking about, this idea of separation and fear instead of love,
and where does that come from? Where did we take
on that programming that somehow we're inadequate at such an
early age. As far as I'm concerned, you could be
listening to this as a part of an organized religion.
(08:53):
You could be one of the growing number of people
that is spiritual but not religious. You could be atheists.
You know, I've had client who fall into all of
those categories and everywhere in between. As far as I'm concerned,
this is a conversation about exactly what you just said
about fear and love. It's funny. In the faith tradition
(09:13):
that I grew up in, they always would say, this
is a message of good news, but in order for
you to be able to receive the good news, it's
got to come with a lot of bad news as well.
And I think I think many people have had the
experience that you and I have had, where somehow the
good news got lost in the midst whatever it was
(09:34):
supposed to be, and what stuck with us on a
on a body level, on a deep heart, subconscious level,
is the bad news. And fundamentally, the work that I
do with people today is about how can we dismantle
the thoughts and the beliefs that come from a place
of fear and how can we begin living from an
(09:57):
experience of love. To me, that's the overall team journey
we're all on. And so whether or not religion has
helped you or hurt you in that, whatever forms of
your duality help you with that in this current moment,
I think that's the journey that everybody's on and that
we all want to move into, is how can we
get out of the fear and how can we move
(10:18):
into love? And anything that is benefiting you on that
journey I think is moving you in the right direction.
So this is an amazing place for us to get
into the first main part of the book with how
does one find themselves? Especially if you're a person who
has spent your entire adult life trying to please other people.
(10:40):
We find ourselves getting into careers that make our parents proud.
We find ourselves getting into relationships where we give up
ourselves to make our partner happy if it's a codependent relationship,
and we can do this for so many years, it's
hard for some people to even know where to go
to find themselves. They so disconnected and they've abandoned themselves
(11:02):
for so long they don't know the way home. How
do you deal with that? Well, the good news is
the information is all there inside of you, even if
it's been a long time since you've accepted or maybe
you've never really taken it seriously and paid attention to it.
But the information is all there inside of you, and
I start there because maybe it's a trend that's been
(11:26):
started from the book and the movie Craze, Eat, Pray,
Love a decade ago or so. But people often have
this idea, if I wanted to to go on a
journey of you know, finding myself, maybe I need to
go to India and do a silent meditation retreat for
a month or so. Often, as humans, we are grasping
at some external thing that we think will be the
(11:48):
answer and have the missing key for us and again
the good news is you don't have to go anywhere
or do anything external to have this journey. It really
is an internal one. And typically what happens is all
the information, all the clues, all the road map, if
you want to look at it that way, is within
(12:10):
us from the time that we're born. We just gradually
start to to turn it off and to ignore it
and to disregard it. So you could change your job,
you could change your relationship, you could lose weight and
change your appearance. But if you don't address the underlying
emotional issues that puts you in that difficult spot in
(12:32):
the first place, the transformation will never last. Is that
what you're saying that we really have to do this
change from the inside out, not the outside end. Right, Well,
the trooth is we all live from the inside out,
and I certainly live in a part of the US
where that is demonstrated, because if we were living from
the outside in, somebody with a twenty five million dollar
(12:54):
mansion in val Air should have no worries, no problems,
and no concern because on a surface level they have
at all what could they possibly need to be happy?
And yet the truth is we all live from the
inside out. We also create things from the inside out.
People often have these desires and their dreams, and they think, man,
(13:14):
if I just had more money, or if I just
had more influence, if I just had an investor. The
truth is everything we ever live and everything we ever
create is going to happen from the inside out. And
so I think the start of this journey is pay
attention to what your life is telling you. You know.
An easy example to reference from my own journey is
(13:38):
I knew that I liked boys from the time I
was twelve years old, right my soul was not confused
about that. I had crushes like any other hormonal middle
schooler did, and I knew that I wanted to fall
in love. I knew that I wanted this guy in
my class to like me like I knew all of that,
but I didn't think that that was okay in the
(14:00):
environment that I grew up in. So I spent about
six or seven years running from the information that I had,
and that is where many people listening to this today
will find themselves. It's not that the information isn't in you,
you've just never taken it seriously and honored your truth.
And at some point. That's where you're going to have
(14:20):
to start. And whenever you get into a head versus
heart battle over what your next right decision is, it's
always like the head speaks first, and it speaks loudest,
and it speaks in fully formed, articulate sentences, sometimes in
an entire monologue. It's always fear based, and it always
is arguing on behalf of your limitations. Why now isn't
(14:43):
the right time to leave the job, Why now isn't
the right time to say I love you? Why now
isn't the right time to leave a toxic relationship? Is
to where that intuitive voice just as more of a
gut feeling. It doesn't show up in the form of
language or fully formed thoughts. It's just that feeling in
your gut. But we're so conditioned to believe that the
(15:05):
mind is right because it seems logical. What we're talking
about here is the old cliche of following your heart.
And I don't know what you were taught about that idea.
As a child, I was called the heart is evil,
the heart will deceive you. The heart cannot be trusted.
And that is the challenge for so many people. Is
(15:26):
it their truth at least begins as a feeling right,
A feeling that maybe I was meant for more, a
feeling that I'm curious about this, a feeling that maybe
this isn't where I belong. It usually does begin as
a feeling, and it is easier to trust a storyline
in your brain that's crystal clear the misfeeling you know
(15:50):
on the level of your instincts and your intuition. But
here's what I would say to people about all of
those stories in your brains, if you really start to
analyze them and something I'll often have my clients do it,
say it out loud or write it down, because when
you get out in the open, you know, tangibly in
front of you, you can see it, you can hear it,
(16:12):
you can analyze it. Suddenly, what you realize is these
stories aren't original to me or unique to me at all.
This story, the story of not enoughness is universal. I've
never had a client, I've never met a person, I've
never had an attended at an event who didn't on
some level relate to the insecurity of I'm not enough
(16:35):
in some way these storylines, and that's what really helped
me see we're all on this journey from fear to love,
because fear, that voice of fear, is so good at
sounding original and compelling and urgent, and it'll say, oh
my gosh, are you sure, are you sure that you're
gonna be okay? Don't you need to to stress the more?
(16:57):
Don't you need to? And the fear makes it sound
like this is so important and imperative for us, when
the truth is, we all have that voice. It's nothing new,
it's nothing original. If there's anything not to trust, it
is that voice. Because the messages it's sending don't even
(17:18):
belong to us. They're just really the conditioning of society
that has been passed down to us from parents, from
the media, from school, et cetera. And when you realize
that voice doesn't belong to you, suddenly I think those feelings,
those impulses, those instants become a lot more interesting and
(17:39):
a lot more relevant. We had an interesting conversation on
the phone about a week ago where we were talking
about your experience coming out is a gay Christian man
growing up in the South and how tough that was
for you to come out and authentically speak and live
your truth. But you pointed out something interesting that the
LGBT community is just more hyper aware of that issue
(18:02):
that really exists for everybody in some form or another,
because there was the pressure of being told that, hey,
you can't be an astronaut, or you can't be a
ballerina or a baseball player. You'll never make a living
doing that, you should follow in the family's footsteps, you
should get into the family business, or the pressure of
(18:23):
just expressing your needs as a child and being told
children should be seen not heard. You're being a baby.
So that conditioning happens for everybody in some way or
another to withhold your truth, isn't that true? Yeah, well,
this is such an important conversation. I think there was
a long time in my life when I would have
(18:44):
told you being gay felt like a curse, right, And ultimately,
with increased perspective, what I realized is in so many ways,
being gay with such a gift and such a blessing,
and one of them is exactly what you just mentioned.
I think many LGBT people know what it's like to
(19:06):
fight for their truth because they've grown up in environments
where everybody invalidated their experience, their reality, their truth. And
as I was sharing with you on the phone the
other day. Some people, I think, get to be thirty, forty,
fifty years old and they've never had to consciously fight
(19:28):
for their truth. And then something happens to wake you up.
And it could be getting laid off, it could be
a divorce, it could be cancer. Whatever it is that
wakes you up, Suddenly you find yourself in a new
moment and fighting for yourself and for your life and
for your truth in a new way. And whatever gets
(19:49):
you to that moment. For me, it was being gay.
That is the thing that forced me to begin to
honor myself and fight for my truth. But whatever it
is that gets you to that point, it is a
journey of on learning to to let go of all
those societal messages and to recognize my desires are valid
and my dreams are valid, and everything about me, everything
(20:15):
inside of me, is important and I matter. That's such
a revelation for somebody today. I'll make no mistake. Somebody
is listening to this podcast today who grew up in
a home where they had to be the responsible one.
Maybe they had to be the parent to their parents,
so their needs always had to get put on the
back burner. In fact, they felt like a burden if
(20:36):
they express their needs because they were so busy taking
care of everyone else. There's somebody listening to this podcast
today who grew up in a home with an addict
parent and they were told that if they spoke their truth,
they were going to make mom or dad angry. There's
always a reason for it, but there are people all
over who were just terrified to speak their truth. My
(20:59):
brain is whirling than with dozens, if not hundreds of
examples I could share of afraid to admit something, Afraid
to tell themselves the truth about this, Afraid to to
tell somebody in their life the truth. You know, so
many people think the moment I have to face my
truth is the moment it all ends, and so I
(21:21):
have to avoid it at all tops, when in reality,
it's just the opposite. The truth is the only thing
that can set you free, and the moment you tell
yourself the truth is the moment your life really begins.
And so I would just challenge somebody, particularly if there's
something in your life that's just not working, like your
(21:42):
corporate job is not working for you in the past,
start today, like if you think nothing else from this interview,
as an action, step start today by telling yourself the truth.
Tell yourself the truth. If you love somebody, tell yourself
the truth. If you want something, tell yourself the truth
about what your real experience is in your life, because
(22:05):
I promise you, on the other side of that is
not everything falling apart, but on the other side of
that is really your life unfolding in the best possible way.
So when we talk about finding ourselves to recap there,
it's really about getting in touch with your intuition, following
your heart and being able just to admit your truth,
(22:25):
if if to nobody else other than to yourself. Now,
we've got to get to the part where we take
this energy and actually love ourselves. Stephan, Why can't we
just look in the mirror, say some positive affirmations and
experience all the love of the universe. Why is it
that simple when you talk about I'm gonna love myself
and I'm going to use these affirmations and I'm going
(22:46):
to say again and again I love myself. Right, the
reason that only gets you so far is because you
may be saying words, but beneath them is a feeling.
Beneath them is a memo. Marie. Beneath them is like
a subconscious awareness. And oftentimes I would say the vast
(23:07):
majority of us have wounds that go all the way
back to our childhood of where we feel like the
love ended, or where it disappointed us, or where it
didn't show up for us, And so it's deeper work, right.
I wish that we could all just say I love
myself and that would be everything. But the truth is,
(23:27):
oftentimes there's a lot of pain and a lot of
wounds that have never been addressed. I've never been healed
and maybe never even thought about or talks about much,
And so we've got to go there. I always tell
my clients the place you don't want to go is
exactly where we need to go, because the place you
don't want to go is where you think love has
(23:50):
a limit. And you know, I think now about what
Maryan Williamson often shares that any time we are attacking, blame, judging,
or defending, we are choosing to hide ourselves from the
love in the moment. And we all have so many
defenses against love and anywhere that we're unwilling to go.
(24:14):
Anything that we don't want to talk about, anything we
don't want to deal with, is usually the place we
really don't trust that there's love there, but that's exactly
where we need to go. And if we can find
the love there, that is the miracle. And you know,
I often tell people you have a relationship to money,
you have a relationship to your body, you have a
(24:35):
relationship to your family. All of these things in our
lives are relationships, right, and what we know both intuitively
and from life experiences, a relationship is not built up overnight.
It takes time, It takes the process. We all understand this,
both romantically and otherwise. Relationships takes time. And so you
(24:57):
have a relationship to yourself. Everybody listening to this has
a relationship to themselves. I would actually suggest that's the
core relationship of your life. This may be bad news
to some of you, but you can't really love other
people at a higher level than you love yourself because
that is your core relationship from which everything else blows.
(25:18):
And so, you know, I always tell people start taking
baby steps somewhere to improve your relationship with yourself. That
could be a simple as maybe you are used to
a lot of negative self talk and you constantly have
a voice in your head telling you how ugly and
spat and stupid you are. Maybe you start by saying,
(25:38):
I'm not going to talk to myself like that anymore.
And when those voices pop up, I'm gonna talk to
them like I talked to my five year old, and
I'm gonna say, no, we're not going there, and that's
not true. And this is the truth that could be
somebody's baby steps. The bottom line is you've got to
start somewhere improving the relationship you have with yourself. And
(25:59):
one aff for me is not going to cut it. Yes,
and I got I want to go back to this.
I wrote it down. The place you don't want to
go is where you think the love ends. That's where
we don't want to be vulnerable because if my partner
sees this part of me, they're gonna judge me, They're
going to shun me, They're going to think that I'm
(26:20):
a disaster, that I'm a train wreck. So in not
acknowledging it, what ends up happening is we end up
shunning ourselves, which is ten times worse. Right at the
end of the day, forgiveness work is so vital here
and I love making it practical and showing people how
this plays out. In everyday life. So just a couple
of examples of what this would look like is, if
(26:44):
you're angry with the old version of you that racks
up a whole bunch of credit card debt that you
now have to pay off, you're actually going to restrict
yourself in your present day experience of money because there's
a lot of forgiveness blocking miracles. Or here's another example.
(27:04):
If you think that your coworker has done something that
is just so horrible, so rude that they don't possibly
deserve any grace for that, you're also drawing a line
in your own life where you don't deserve great and
where you could actually method up beyond repair anywhere that
you are withholding love from someone or something in your
(27:28):
life because you believe that they just don't deserve it,
or they're wrong, or whatever your story is. All you're
doing is withholding love from yourself, and that is an
opportunity to heal, and that forgiveness work will change everything
for you. So we've talked about finding yourself, we've talked
about loving yourself. The last part of this equation is
(27:52):
the ability to be yourself, which I would think on
some level in the age of social media where we're
all living for the Facebook or Instagram like or to
paint the right illusion of what we want our life
to be. This becomes a big challenge. So how do
we navigate that? Do we have to start putting up
pictures on Instagram when we're sad and crying and eating
(28:15):
a pineapin and Jerry's what. I love that example because
there are a lot of people, particularly in the entrepreneurial
space and in the entertainment industry, who thinks authenticity means
I literally have to say and share and post it
all and that is not the case, which is a
whole separate discussion. But you know, these steps go in
(28:37):
an order for a reason. If we don't know who
we are, we can't possibly be ourselves, so it's got
to start there. And then if we don't know that
we are loved at the end of the day period,
no matter what, we're not going to have the courage
to be ourselves, right, So it has to start in
both of those places, and that's why the steps go
(28:57):
in and order. I think a lot of what is
relevant here is us being in touch with our moment
by moment truth, which is similar but distinct from like,
you know, overarching life stuff. Right, So you had a
truth of I don't want to be in corporate America
and that was a big truth for you to act on, right,
(29:20):
But it's not always Yeah, but it's not always those big,
huge things. Right now, as a leader, as a coach,
as a podcast host, and as somebody every day running
a business, you have so many opportunities every day to
really own your truth moment by moment. And that could
(29:41):
look like this is not the right client for me
to work with, and I'm gonna honor that. I know
that is how I feel about this. That could look
like I want to speak at this event, So I'm
going to contact somebody and put myself out there because
that's what I feel drawn to in this moment. We
all really have hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of chances
(30:01):
to do this every single week. Um. And honestly, since
you brought up social media, let's go there, because I
tell people, don't think of social media as the enemy.
Think of social media as actually one source of information
among many to really show you what your desires are.
(30:22):
You know, I think so often we go into a
comparison mode, but the truth is you really can do,
be have choose anything that you want. Right. So, if
you see somebody on social media constantly having the ability
to travel around the world and go wherever they want,
one path that you could go down is, of course
(30:42):
the comparison and the jealousy path, which says, how unfair.
How in the world do they get to do that?
That couldn't be possible for me, And so I'm angry
and I can't believe that they can do that. But
there's another option, which is to say, how cool that
this has presented itself in my awareness. So I know
(31:03):
that this is possible clearly if I'm paying attention to
this and keep looking at it over and over. This
is something that I want. Now I have a desire
to work with. Now I know what direction I need
to move in. Now I know what I want to
create in my own life. That information was there for
the taking. You didn't even have to hire a coach
(31:24):
to get that information. There is so much wisdom in
that that idea of whoever you're jealous of is really
just mirroring to you some untapped potential that is available
for your life. I think that if people could get
that concept, that would be a game changer in and
of itself. Well, and think about it. The only reason
that that's not our instinct is because we have the
(31:46):
limited beliefs that say we can't have whatever it is totally.
So for example, I love John Legend and Christy Teagan.
Hopefully they're still together because they're one of my favorite couples,
So hopefully they're still thriving. When you listen to this podcast.
When I look at John and Christie Teagan, I don't
look at them with jealousy and the site of like
(32:07):
it's probably not as good as it looks on social media.
It never is. I look at it with a joy
of what a fun, joyous, healthy relationship. And I am
so grateful for every one of those that I've experienced,
and I'm so grateful that I can experience that. And
when we clear all the limiting beliefs of the stuff
(32:28):
we can't do, be, or have, our world just opens
up with so much more joy and possibility. I want
to go back and talk about this idea of reevaluating
choices moment to moment, because I think for some of
us it's easier to go back and revisit old choices
and make those again, rather than make a new choice
that stretches us to grow. This is why a lot
(32:50):
of people will go back and date an X who
was toxic for them, but they like that better than
being alone and discovering who they are, or why some
people will go take another job that used to make
them happy five years ago rather than following their gut
and starting a passion field business. Can you speak to
that idea of there is nothing in our past that
(33:14):
we need to go back to that it's safe for
us to make a new choice moving forward. Yeah, I
think a lot of us have resistance around changing our minds.
I mean, I think we see this pattern in our country.
On a macro level. A lot of people think the
nineteen fifties sixties America that I grew up in is
(33:34):
how it's supposed to be, So therefore, how there change.
I don't want it to change. I don't want it
to be different, but we need to go back. And
the truth is the universe has been expanding for a
thirteen point eight billion years. I hate to break it
to you, but that is the trajectory we are off.
And so really, in general, the answer is never let's
(33:57):
go back. The answer is what does it look like
to move forward, which, by the way, is a great
feeling test to use for any decision you need to make.
Does it feel like shrinking and getting smaller and going
backward or does it feel like moving forward? Because I
was meant to move forward, and you're exactly right. Oftentimes
(34:18):
what worked for us in the past will actually hinder
us in the present from where we're trying to go.
And so you know, I wish for everybody listening today,
give yourself permission to change your mind. Give yourself permission
to be honest that what you used to like or
love or choose is no longer working right, And give
(34:40):
yourself permission to make a new choice, because you always
have the power of decisions, and if you endlessly try
to repeat what you did in the past, you will
plateau and limit yourself. And that also doesn't mean, by
the way, we should judge the old decisions from the past.
Sometimes we did the very best we could with the
strategies and the tools and the level of self awareness
(35:02):
that we had at the time. Something that it took
me a long time to learn and is still an
ongoing learning for me, is you can make a new
choice without having to judge the old one. And this
is relevant for anyone changing career path, anyone out growing
a religious system, anybody who is leaving a relationship or
(35:25):
leaving anything in their life. You can make a new
choice without having to become the enemy of the old. Right.
I love the entrepreneurial path, but I'm not anti nine
to five jobs. You know. I love that I moved
out to Los Angeles, but I'm not against people I
went to school with who stayed in the stuff. Right, Like,
(35:46):
there is so much freedom to make a new choice
without having to bring resentment into it, And honestly, I
would offer to you. In many of the instances where
we do hold the resentment, a lot of it is
resentment at ourselves or oh my god, I can't believe
I stayed there that long and let myself be subjected
to that. When I think of the last corporate job
(36:08):
that I talked about the day I walked out, I
did it with so much anger and resentment. Really just
didn't like the people I worked for. I didn't feel
like they were honest. I didn't feel like they were
fourth right with me. I resented them for trying to
make me into something that I wasn't, And really, when
I look back on it, as angry as I was,
(36:29):
it was mostly a myself because I literally walked into
that job the day of the interview, stepped off the elevator,
and this had never happened to me before. I actually
felt nauseous. There was this voice in my head that said,
do not take this job. And I got into the
interview and got seduced by the title in the corner
office and the money and the responsibility, and I went
(36:51):
against my instincts and took that job and knew within
like three months of getting there it was a terrible decision.
So I was more upset with myself just for oring
my intuition. So now we're at the real forgiveness work,
which I love. Thank you for sharing this, by the way,
because it's a perfect example for people listening. The real
forgiveness work here, as you can see, is not I
(37:13):
forgive those people for giving me that schedule, treating me
that way, showing up like that. The real forgiveness work
is I forgive myself for ignoring my instincts and not
honoring my truth when I really knew what the right
thing to do was what an incredible conversation with you.
(37:34):
I want people to go check out the book. They
can buy it on Amazon or they can get it
on your website. The book is how to Find Yourself,
love yourself, and be Yourself. Stephen. How can they find
you online? And if they want to work with you
or reach out at all, where do they go? Yeah,
so a couple of the starting points. My social media
on every platform pretty much is dr Love, grow d
(37:56):
R l o v E g R o v E, so,
face Book, Twitter, Instagram, etcetera. You can find me on
all social media. I'm most active and post the most
thorough content on Facebook, but I am all over the place.
The website is America's Life Coach dot us. So that is,
as you mentioned, where you can get the books. That's
(38:16):
where you can get on my mailing list. And if
you already know that you're ready to apply, I can
give you a direct link for that, which is apply
with Steven sp E p h e M dot com
and you can fill out the application and we will
be in touch with you about your options from there.
I love that they call him America's Life Coach for
a reason. Stephen, any final words, I guess if somebody's
(38:40):
listened to this podcast and it's got them thinking now
about the change that they want to make. If there
was one step that they could take right now, one
small step, what would that be? Mm hmm. I love
this question. Uh So my core message, when I boil
it down to one sentence, is all all things are
(39:01):
possible for the one to believe. And so what I
would challenge people to do is just take a moment.
Whether you take a walk, close your eyes, do it
before you go to bed, do it in the shower,
doesn't matter how you do it, but take a moment
to really get still and to turn within and to
ask yourself, what would I really like to experience in
(39:25):
my life? And probably some stuff is gonna come up.
But in the past you would have rushed off and
dismissed as yeah, but that's not realistic, right the cursed
are we're realistic. But this time I want you to
just go with it, and I want you to pick
one thing that really is the desire of your heart.
And I want you to ask yourself, if I believe
(39:48):
with a h certainty this was possible for me, what
would be my next step? What would I choose? What
would I do next, and go do that, and stay
on that path of belief, stay on that path of
creating certainty through powerful action, and you will experience all
things are possible for you because you are the one
(40:10):
to believe mm mmmmmm and do it afraid right, It's
never gonna be comfortable to get. Don't wait for the
fear too clear, you choose to move through it with
powerful actions coming from a place of love. Stephn, awesome
conversation today, my friend. I hope everybody looks you up online.
Go get the book. I hope we keep in touch,
(40:32):
my friend. This was really a great conversation. Thank you
so much, appreciate you. One of my favorite takeaways from
that interview is when he said, your deepest truth just
begins as a gut feeling. You know, your truth doesn't
always have to make sense intellectually, but you've got to
honor that little whisper in the back of your head
(40:52):
when you lay in bed at night that says there
has got to be something more out there for me.
Maybe that whisper says it's time for me to step
up and play a bigger game. Maybe it says it's
time for me to set a boundary and lead behind
a relationship that doesn't serve me. Or maybe it's just
time to open yourself up and love again. But if
you don't honor that gut reaction, life is going to
(41:15):
find a way eventually, whether it's a month from now,
a year from now, or five years from now, to
shake the tree and get your attention. It could be
a health diagnosis, it could be a divorce, it could
be a job layoff. But change is going to happen
in your life one of two ways. You can either
honor yourself and honor your truth, or the universe is
going to kick you out of your comfort zone and
(41:38):
force you to change. So I love the interview. I
thought it was beautiful. If you love this conversation, by
all means, please share it with a friend, Screenshot the
podcast uploaded to Instagram or Twitter. Share with us your breakthroughs.
You can taxt Stephen at Dr love Grove and you
can tag me at c sc Dan Mason. Don't forget
(41:59):
to follow us on the I Heart Radio app. Click
subscribe where every listen to your favorite podcast, and if
you want to connect with me one on one, I've
actually got some spots right now on my waiting list
for my coaching program. If you're looking for a mentor
to help you get to the next level creating more
joy in fulfillment in eighteen, I would love to serve you.
(42:20):
I would be honored. Get the info fill out an
application right now at my website creative soul coaching dot
net Creative soul coaching dot net. While you're there, you
can also sign up for free personal development training and
emails delivered to your inbox every week. In the meantime,
turned down the volume on your negativity, turn up the
(42:42):
volume on your purpose so you can get out there
and live life amplified. I'll talk to you next time,
(43:02):
lay Lad
Episode five, How to Find Yourself, Love Yourself, and Be
Yourself with America's life coach Stephan Love Grow. My name
is Dan Mason. In I was overweight, getting divorced, battling depression,
and feeling trapped in a career where I was successful
but bored and unfulfilled. And it's actually the greatest gift
(00:20):
I've ever been given. I used my pain as a
springboard to discover my life's purpose. Now I want to
share the same tools and strategies which helped transform my
life with you so you can live life amplify. A
(00:42):
young woman approached me at one of my recent speaking
engagements very frustrated. She said she hears motivational speakers, coaches,
and transformational gurus always talk about the importance of why
you have to be yourself and love yourself. But, as
she pointed out, if she knew how to do that,
she'd been doing it every day. The problem she experienced
(01:03):
is she had spent so many years trying to meet
the expectations of her family, her church, her peer group,
and ex boyfriends, that somewhere along the way she lost
that connection to who she even was in the first place.
And that's why I enlisted the help of my buddy
Stephan Love Growth Today. He's a transformational coach who takes entrepreneurs, celebrities,
(01:25):
and world leaders to the next level. His work has
been featured at NBC, Fox, MTV, the Oprah Winfrey Network,
and The Los Angeles Times. He's also the author of
the book How to Find Yourself, Love Yourself, and Be Yourself,
the Secret instruction Manual for being Human. During our recent conversation,
we discussed such topics is how to dismantle your fear
(01:47):
based thoughts and find more love for yourself and the
people around you, why creating a lasting, meaningful change is
an inside job, the importance of fighting for your truth,
and why most people don't do it till later in life,
why the traumatic memories you don't want to confront are
precisely what will lead you to emotional freedom, and finally,
(02:08):
the one action step which will help you find yourself Today.
You're gonna love Stephen's energy, and I think you're really
gonna love his message. If so, please share this podcast
with a friend. I want to get this out there
too as many people as we can, and don't forget.
You can follow us on the I Heart Radio app
or click subscribe wherever you listen to your favorite podcast.
(02:30):
And if you want to connect with Stephen and I online,
just screenshot this podcast, upload it to Instagram or Twitter.
Be sure to tag him at Dr love Grove and
you can find me at c SC. Dan Mason will
be sure to reply to all of your comments. In
the meantime, get out of pen and paper take notes.
(02:50):
You're gonna learn how to find yourself, love yourself, and
be yourself with Stephen love Growth. He is America's life coach,
and thank God, because America needs a life coach right now.
If you spent any time on the news, Stephen love
Grove is on life amplified. Hello, my friend, Hello, Hello,
I I couldn't agree with you more. It's a little
(03:13):
bit of a crazy moment for America right now. But
I'm happy to be here and I'm happy to serve.
I want to talk to you all about your book,
How to Find Yourself, Love Yourself, and be Yourself, which
a simple idea in theory, not always easy in practice.
I know in my life, if I think back ten
years ago, I used to think I was one more
(03:33):
episode of Oprah away, or I was one more Deepak
Choper guided meditation away from just downloading all this self
love and my life being perfect, and in fact, it
uh took many years and a great deal of time
for me to arrive there. How do we do it?
How do we finally learn self acceptance and self love? Dan?
(03:54):
I'm so with you here because I was meditating with
Ramen Noodle in my dorm room as a college student
back in the day, and so I've gone through many
of those experiences, you know, using the sanscript mantra and
trying to trying to make it work for myself. Ultimately,
I think everybody gets to a point where you realize
(04:16):
my life is the teaching tool, and the experiences that
I'm having right now, whether I like them or not,
whether I feel like I chose them consciously or not,
this is the classroom for me. And so I'm all
for every form of learning, whether coaching, podcasts like this one, books, etcetera.
(04:37):
But ultimately, the best material we have to learn from
is our life. And so I hope even from our
conversation today, this isn't a detached thing where you listen
for thirty forty five minutes and then go back unchanged.
The idea is to take something practical and really work
your life, because I feel like that is the classroom
(04:59):
for all of us. I've it for many years that
Paine is a teacher, and it goes away when we
learned the lesson that it's here to teach us. So
tell me how this has played out in your life. Obviously,
you and I are both here to teach what it
is that we've had to learn. Tell me about your
journey to finding, loving, and being yourself. I grew up
(05:21):
in South Carolina in what I think can very accurately
be called as a fundamentalist religious call um. I often
compare it to the town of Beaumont in Footloose For
a lot of people familiar with that movie or that musical. Uh,
we weren't allowed to drink, we weren't allowed to dance,
we weren't allowed to listen to music with drums in it.
(05:41):
I mean, it was a very sheltered, full of dogma
kind of upbringing. And really, if we look at it
on the level of thought, there were two things that
dominated what I was raised with. Number one was this
idea of separation on all levels. Um. We were separate
(06:01):
from even the people in our own religion that we
didn't agree with, and we were separate from other countries
and separate from people who fought or believed or voted
differently than us. And ultimately, at the core, the system
taught me to believe you are separate from God, and
God is angry with you, and you're going to hell,
(06:22):
and you need to be terrified of being on God's
bad side. And so I grew up in this whole
thought system of separation, which lead to thing number two,
which is constantly being afraid. When I look back on
my childhood, there was so much fear, and ultimately I
realized I was afraid of myself. Um, And so I
(06:44):
get to college, I have now left the cult, and
I'm trying to figure out what the hell my life
is gonna look like at this point. Right. I know
that I don't want what I grew up with. I
know that's not how I view myself, how I view God,
how I viewed a world anymore. But I really had
to start over. And you know, I feel so much
(07:05):
for people anyone listening today who has reached a point
in their life where, for whatever reason, they've got to
start over. You know, maybe it's a choice that they made.
Maybe it's a choice that somebody else made that affected them,
but like it or not, we find ourselves at these
moments where we have to start over. And so for me,
that was the beginning. I had to figure out who
(07:26):
I was, what I believed, what I was supposed to
do with my life, and really most of all, how
I was going to come to a place of self
love and acceptance. And so you're absolutely right. We end
up teaching exactly what we needed to learn, and for me,
it all began with stuff I needed to learn for myself. Brother,
I totally appreciate that share, and I feel you I
(07:49):
I resonate with that. I wouldn't consider the church I
grew up into be a cult, but it was a
hell fire and brimstone fundamentalist speaking in tongues Pentecostal Church.
And I remember as early as age eleven, having legitimate
anxiety attacks as a kid that the rapture was going
to happen and I would be left behind, especially because
(08:10):
I just hit puberty and hormones were raging, and there
was always shame on that based on what I was
told about the Bible, and I see this play out
in various forms now from people from all backgrounds. You know,
we talked about Jewish guilt, Catholic guilt. I see this
with clients, and I share none of this to bash religion.
(08:30):
That's not what this discussion is. But I think we
need to have an honest conversation exactly about what you're
talking about, this idea of separation and fear instead of love,
and where does that come from? Where did we take
on that programming that somehow we're inadequate at such an
early age. As far as I'm concerned, you could be
listening to this as a part of an organized religion.
(08:53):
You could be one of the growing number of people
that is spiritual but not religious. You could be atheists.
You know, I've had client who fall into all of
those categories and everywhere in between. As far as I'm concerned,
this is a conversation about exactly what you just said
about fear and love. It's funny. In the faith tradition
(09:13):
that I grew up in, they always would say, this
is a message of good news, but in order for
you to be able to receive the good news, it's
got to come with a lot of bad news as well.
And I think I think many people have had the
experience that you and I have had, where somehow the
good news got lost in the midst whatever it was
(09:34):
supposed to be, and what stuck with us on a
on a body level, on a deep heart, subconscious level,
is the bad news. And fundamentally, the work that I
do with people today is about how can we dismantle
the thoughts and the beliefs that come from a place
of fear and how can we begin living from an
(09:57):
experience of love. To me, that's the overall team journey
we're all on. And so whether or not religion has
helped you or hurt you in that, whatever forms of
your duality help you with that in this current moment,
I think that's the journey that everybody's on and that
we all want to move into, is how can we
get out of the fear and how can we move
(10:18):
into love? And anything that is benefiting you on that
journey I think is moving you in the right direction.
So this is an amazing place for us to get
into the first main part of the book with how
does one find themselves? Especially if you're a person who
has spent your entire adult life trying to please other people.
(10:40):
We find ourselves getting into careers that make our parents proud.
We find ourselves getting into relationships where we give up
ourselves to make our partner happy if it's a codependent relationship,
and we can do this for so many years, it's
hard for some people to even know where to go
to find themselves. They so disconnected and they've abandoned themselves
(11:02):
for so long they don't know the way home. How
do you deal with that? Well, the good news is
the information is all there inside of you, even if
it's been a long time since you've accepted or maybe
you've never really taken it seriously and paid attention to it.
But the information is all there inside of you, and
I start there because maybe it's a trend that's been
(11:26):
started from the book and the movie Craze, Eat, Pray,
Love a decade ago or so. But people often have
this idea, if I wanted to to go on a
journey of you know, finding myself, maybe I need to
go to India and do a silent meditation retreat for
a month or so. Often, as humans, we are grasping
at some external thing that we think will be the
(11:48):
answer and have the missing key for us and again
the good news is you don't have to go anywhere
or do anything external to have this journey. It really
is an internal one. And typically what happens is all
the information, all the clues, all the road map, if
you want to look at it that way, is within
(12:10):
us from the time that we're born. We just gradually
start to to turn it off and to ignore it
and to disregard it. So you could change your job,
you could change your relationship, you could lose weight and
change your appearance. But if you don't address the underlying
emotional issues that puts you in that difficult spot in
(12:32):
the first place, the transformation will never last. Is that
what you're saying that we really have to do this
change from the inside out, not the outside end. Right, Well,
the trooth is we all live from the inside out,
and I certainly live in a part of the US
where that is demonstrated, because if we were living from
the outside in, somebody with a twenty five million dollar
(12:54):
mansion in val Air should have no worries, no problems,
and no concern because on a surface level they have
at all what could they possibly need to be happy?
And yet the truth is we all live from the
inside out. We also create things from the inside out.
People often have these desires and their dreams, and they think, man,
(13:14):
if I just had more money, or if I just
had more influence, if I just had an investor. The
truth is everything we ever live and everything we ever
create is going to happen from the inside out. And
so I think the start of this journey is pay
attention to what your life is telling you. You know.
An easy example to reference from my own journey is
(13:38):
I knew that I liked boys from the time I
was twelve years old, right my soul was not confused
about that. I had crushes like any other hormonal middle
schooler did, and I knew that I wanted to fall
in love. I knew that I wanted this guy in
my class to like me like I knew all of that,
but I didn't think that that was okay in the
(14:00):
environment that I grew up in. So I spent about
six or seven years running from the information that I had,
and that is where many people listening to this today
will find themselves. It's not that the information isn't in you,
you've just never taken it seriously and honored your truth.
And at some point. That's where you're going to have
(14:20):
to start. And whenever you get into a head versus
heart battle over what your next right decision is, it's
always like the head speaks first, and it speaks loudest,
and it speaks in fully formed, articulate sentences, sometimes in
an entire monologue. It's always fear based, and it always
is arguing on behalf of your limitations. Why now isn't
(14:43):
the right time to leave the job, Why now isn't
the right time to say I love you? Why now
isn't the right time to leave a toxic relationship? Is
to where that intuitive voice just as more of a
gut feeling. It doesn't show up in the form of
language or fully formed thoughts. It's just that feeling in
your gut. But we're so conditioned to believe that the
(15:05):
mind is right because it seems logical. What we're talking
about here is the old cliche of following your heart.
And I don't know what you were taught about that idea.
As a child, I was called the heart is evil,
the heart will deceive you. The heart cannot be trusted.
And that is the challenge for so many people. Is
(15:26):
it their truth at least begins as a feeling right,
A feeling that maybe I was meant for more, a
feeling that I'm curious about this, a feeling that maybe
this isn't where I belong. It usually does begin as
a feeling, and it is easier to trust a storyline
in your brain that's crystal clear the misfeeling you know
(15:50):
on the level of your instincts and your intuition. But
here's what I would say to people about all of
those stories in your brains, if you really start to
analyze them and something I'll often have my clients do it,
say it out loud or write it down, because when
you get out in the open, you know, tangibly in
front of you, you can see it, you can hear it,
(16:12):
you can analyze it. Suddenly, what you realize is these
stories aren't original to me or unique to me at all.
This story, the story of not enoughness is universal. I've
never had a client, I've never met a person, I've
never had an attended at an event who didn't on
some level relate to the insecurity of I'm not enough
(16:35):
in some way these storylines, and that's what really helped
me see we're all on this journey from fear to love,
because fear, that voice of fear, is so good at
sounding original and compelling and urgent, and it'll say, oh
my gosh, are you sure, are you sure that you're
gonna be okay? Don't you need to to stress the more?
(16:57):
Don't you need to? And the fear makes it sound
like this is so important and imperative for us, when
the truth is, we all have that voice. It's nothing new,
it's nothing original. If there's anything not to trust, it
is that voice. Because the messages it's sending don't even
(17:18):
belong to us. They're just really the conditioning of society
that has been passed down to us from parents, from
the media, from school, et cetera. And when you realize
that voice doesn't belong to you, suddenly I think those feelings,
those impulses, those instants become a lot more interesting and
(17:39):
a lot more relevant. We had an interesting conversation on
the phone about a week ago where we were talking
about your experience coming out is a gay Christian man
growing up in the South and how tough that was
for you to come out and authentically speak and live
your truth. But you pointed out something interesting that the
LGBT community is just more hyper aware of that issue
(18:02):
that really exists for everybody in some form or another,
because there was the pressure of being told that, hey,
you can't be an astronaut, or you can't be a
ballerina or a baseball player. You'll never make a living
doing that, you should follow in the family's footsteps, you
should get into the family business, or the pressure of
(18:23):
just expressing your needs as a child and being told
children should be seen not heard. You're being a baby.
So that conditioning happens for everybody in some way or
another to withhold your truth, isn't that true? Yeah, well,
this is such an important conversation. I think there was
a long time in my life when I would have
(18:44):
told you being gay felt like a curse, right, And ultimately,
with increased perspective, what I realized is in so many ways,
being gay with such a gift and such a blessing,
and one of them is exactly what you just mentioned.
I think many LGBT people know what it's like to
(19:06):
fight for their truth because they've grown up in environments
where everybody invalidated their experience, their reality, their truth. And
as I was sharing with you on the phone the
other day. Some people, I think, get to be thirty, forty,
fifty years old and they've never had to consciously fight
(19:28):
for their truth. And then something happens to wake you up.
And it could be getting laid off, it could be
a divorce, it could be cancer. Whatever it is that
wakes you up, Suddenly you find yourself in a new
moment and fighting for yourself and for your life and
for your truth in a new way. And whatever gets
(19:49):
you to that moment. For me, it was being gay.
That is the thing that forced me to begin to
honor myself and fight for my truth. But whatever it
is that gets you to that point, it is a
journey of on learning to to let go of all
those societal messages and to recognize my desires are valid
and my dreams are valid, and everything about me, everything
(20:15):
inside of me, is important and I matter. That's such
a revelation for somebody today. I'll make no mistake. Somebody
is listening to this podcast today who grew up in
a home where they had to be the responsible one.
Maybe they had to be the parent to their parents,
so their needs always had to get put on the
back burner. In fact, they felt like a burden if
(20:36):
they express their needs because they were so busy taking
care of everyone else. There's somebody listening to this podcast
today who grew up in a home with an addict
parent and they were told that if they spoke their truth,
they were going to make mom or dad angry. There's
always a reason for it, but there are people all
over who were just terrified to speak their truth. My
(20:59):
brain is whirling than with dozens, if not hundreds of
examples I could share of afraid to admit something, Afraid
to tell themselves the truth about this, Afraid to to
tell somebody in their life the truth. You know, so
many people think the moment I have to face my
truth is the moment it all ends, and so I
(21:21):
have to avoid it at all tops, when in reality,
it's just the opposite. The truth is the only thing
that can set you free, and the moment you tell
yourself the truth is the moment your life really begins.
And so I would just challenge somebody, particularly if there's
something in your life that's just not working, like your
(21:42):
corporate job is not working for you in the past,
start today, like if you think nothing else from this interview,
as an action, step start today by telling yourself the truth.
Tell yourself the truth. If you love somebody, tell yourself
the truth. If you want something, tell yourself the truth
about what your real experience is in your life, because
(22:05):
I promise you, on the other side of that is
not everything falling apart, but on the other side of
that is really your life unfolding in the best possible way.
So when we talk about finding ourselves to recap there,
it's really about getting in touch with your intuition, following
your heart and being able just to admit your truth,
(22:25):
if if to nobody else other than to yourself. Now,
we've got to get to the part where we take
this energy and actually love ourselves. Stephan, Why can't we
just look in the mirror, say some positive affirmations and
experience all the love of the universe. Why is it
that simple when you talk about I'm gonna love myself
and I'm going to use these affirmations and I'm going
(22:46):
to say again and again I love myself. Right, the
reason that only gets you so far is because you
may be saying words, but beneath them is a feeling.
Beneath them is a memo. Marie. Beneath them is like
a subconscious awareness. And oftentimes I would say the vast
(23:07):
majority of us have wounds that go all the way
back to our childhood of where we feel like the
love ended, or where it disappointed us, or where it
didn't show up for us, And so it's deeper work, right.
I wish that we could all just say I love
myself and that would be everything. But the truth is,
(23:27):
oftentimes there's a lot of pain and a lot of
wounds that have never been addressed. I've never been healed
and maybe never even thought about or talks about much,
And so we've got to go there. I always tell
my clients the place you don't want to go is
exactly where we need to go, because the place you
don't want to go is where you think love has
(23:50):
a limit. And you know, I think now about what
Maryan Williamson often shares that any time we are attacking, blame, judging,
or defending, we are choosing to hide ourselves from the
love in the moment. And we all have so many
defenses against love and anywhere that we're unwilling to go.
(24:14):
Anything that we don't want to talk about, anything we
don't want to deal with, is usually the place we
really don't trust that there's love there, but that's exactly
where we need to go. And if we can find
the love there, that is the miracle. And you know,
I often tell people you have a relationship to money,
you have a relationship to your body, you have a
(24:35):
relationship to your family. All of these things in our
lives are relationships, right, and what we know both intuitively
and from life experiences, a relationship is not built up overnight.
It takes time, It takes the process. We all understand this,
both romantically and otherwise. Relationships takes time. And so you
(24:57):
have a relationship to yourself. Everybody listening to this has
a relationship to themselves. I would actually suggest that's the
core relationship of your life. This may be bad news
to some of you, but you can't really love other
people at a higher level than you love yourself because
that is your core relationship from which everything else blows.
(25:18):
And so, you know, I always tell people start taking
baby steps somewhere to improve your relationship with yourself. That
could be a simple as maybe you are used to
a lot of negative self talk and you constantly have
a voice in your head telling you how ugly and
spat and stupid you are. Maybe you start by saying,
(25:38):
I'm not going to talk to myself like that anymore.
And when those voices pop up, I'm gonna talk to
them like I talked to my five year old, and
I'm gonna say, no, we're not going there, and that's
not true. And this is the truth that could be
somebody's baby steps. The bottom line is you've got to
start somewhere improving the relationship you have with yourself. And
(25:59):
one aff for me is not going to cut it. Yes,
and I got I want to go back to this.
I wrote it down. The place you don't want to
go is where you think the love ends. That's where
we don't want to be vulnerable because if my partner
sees this part of me, they're gonna judge me, They're
going to shun me, They're going to think that I'm
(26:20):
a disaster, that I'm a train wreck. So in not
acknowledging it, what ends up happening is we end up
shunning ourselves, which is ten times worse. Right at the
end of the day, forgiveness work is so vital here
and I love making it practical and showing people how
this plays out. In everyday life. So just a couple
of examples of what this would look like is, if
(26:44):
you're angry with the old version of you that racks
up a whole bunch of credit card debt that you
now have to pay off, you're actually going to restrict
yourself in your present day experience of money because there's
a lot of forgiveness blocking miracles. Or here's another example.
(27:04):
If you think that your coworker has done something that
is just so horrible, so rude that they don't possibly
deserve any grace for that, you're also drawing a line
in your own life where you don't deserve great and
where you could actually method up beyond repair anywhere that
you are withholding love from someone or something in your
(27:28):
life because you believe that they just don't deserve it,
or they're wrong, or whatever your story is. All you're
doing is withholding love from yourself, and that is an
opportunity to heal, and that forgiveness work will change everything
for you. So we've talked about finding yourself, we've talked
about loving yourself. The last part of this equation is
(27:52):
the ability to be yourself, which I would think on
some level in the age of social media where we're
all living for the Facebook or Instagram like or to
paint the right illusion of what we want our life
to be. This becomes a big challenge. So how do
we navigate that? Do we have to start putting up
pictures on Instagram when we're sad and crying and eating
(28:15):
a pineapin and Jerry's what. I love that example because
there are a lot of people, particularly in the entrepreneurial
space and in the entertainment industry, who thinks authenticity means
I literally have to say and share and post it
all and that is not the case, which is a
whole separate discussion. But you know, these steps go in
(28:37):
an order for a reason. If we don't know who
we are, we can't possibly be ourselves, so it's got
to start there. And then if we don't know that
we are loved at the end of the day period,
no matter what, we're not going to have the courage
to be ourselves, right, So it has to start in
both of those places, and that's why the steps go
(28:57):
in and order. I think a lot of what is
relevant here is us being in touch with our moment
by moment truth, which is similar but distinct from like,
you know, overarching life stuff. Right, So you had a
truth of I don't want to be in corporate America
and that was a big truth for you to act on, right,
(29:20):
But it's not always Yeah, but it's not always those big,
huge things. Right now, as a leader, as a coach,
as a podcast host, and as somebody every day running
a business, you have so many opportunities every day to
really own your truth moment by moment. And that could
(29:41):
look like this is not the right client for me
to work with, and I'm gonna honor that. I know
that is how I feel about this. That could look
like I want to speak at this event, So I'm
going to contact somebody and put myself out there because
that's what I feel drawn to in this moment. We
all really have hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of chances
(30:01):
to do this every single week. Um. And honestly, since
you brought up social media, let's go there, because I
tell people, don't think of social media as the enemy.
Think of social media as actually one source of information
among many to really show you what your desires are.
(30:22):
You know, I think so often we go into a
comparison mode, but the truth is you really can do,
be have choose anything that you want. Right. So, if
you see somebody on social media constantly having the ability
to travel around the world and go wherever they want,
one path that you could go down is, of course
(30:42):
the comparison and the jealousy path, which says, how unfair.
How in the world do they get to do that?
That couldn't be possible for me, And so I'm angry
and I can't believe that they can do that. But
there's another option, which is to say, how cool that
this has presented itself in my awareness. So I know
(31:03):
that this is possible clearly if I'm paying attention to
this and keep looking at it over and over. This
is something that I want. Now I have a desire
to work with. Now I know what direction I need
to move in. Now I know what I want to
create in my own life. That information was there for
the taking. You didn't even have to hire a coach
(31:24):
to get that information. There is so much wisdom in
that that idea of whoever you're jealous of is really
just mirroring to you some untapped potential that is available
for your life. I think that if people could get
that concept, that would be a game changer in and
of itself. Well, and think about it. The only reason
that that's not our instinct is because we have the
(31:46):
limited beliefs that say we can't have whatever it is totally.
So for example, I love John Legend and Christy Teagan.
Hopefully they're still together because they're one of my favorite couples,
So hopefully they're still thriving. When you listen to this podcast.
When I look at John and Christie Teagan, I don't
look at them with jealousy and the site of like
(32:07):
it's probably not as good as it looks on social media.
It never is. I look at it with a joy
of what a fun, joyous, healthy relationship. And I am
so grateful for every one of those that I've experienced,
and I'm so grateful that I can experience that. And
when we clear all the limiting beliefs of the stuff
(32:28):
we can't do, be, or have, our world just opens
up with so much more joy and possibility. I want
to go back and talk about this idea of reevaluating
choices moment to moment, because I think for some of
us it's easier to go back and revisit old choices
and make those again, rather than make a new choice
that stretches us to grow. This is why a lot
(32:50):
of people will go back and date an X who
was toxic for them, but they like that better than
being alone and discovering who they are, or why some
people will go take another job that used to make
them happy five years ago rather than following their gut
and starting a passion field business. Can you speak to
that idea of there is nothing in our past that
(33:14):
we need to go back to that it's safe for
us to make a new choice moving forward. Yeah, I
think a lot of us have resistance around changing our minds.
I mean, I think we see this pattern in our country.
On a macro level. A lot of people think the
nineteen fifties sixties America that I grew up in is
(33:34):
how it's supposed to be, So therefore, how there change.
I don't want it to change. I don't want it
to be different, but we need to go back. And
the truth is the universe has been expanding for a
thirteen point eight billion years. I hate to break it
to you, but that is the trajectory we are off.
And so really, in general, the answer is never let's
(33:57):
go back. The answer is what does it look like
to move forward, which, by the way, is a great
feeling test to use for any decision you need to make.
Does it feel like shrinking and getting smaller and going
backward or does it feel like moving forward? Because I
was meant to move forward, and you're exactly right. Oftentimes
(34:18):
what worked for us in the past will actually hinder
us in the present from where we're trying to go.
And so you know, I wish for everybody listening today,
give yourself permission to change your mind. Give yourself permission
to be honest that what you used to like or
love or choose is no longer working right, And give
(34:40):
yourself permission to make a new choice, because you always
have the power of decisions, and if you endlessly try
to repeat what you did in the past, you will
plateau and limit yourself. And that also doesn't mean, by
the way, we should judge the old decisions from the past.
Sometimes we did the very best we could with the
strategies and the tools and the level of self awareness
(35:02):
that we had at the time. Something that it took
me a long time to learn and is still an
ongoing learning for me, is you can make a new
choice without having to judge the old one. And this
is relevant for anyone changing career path, anyone out growing
a religious system, anybody who is leaving a relationship or
(35:25):
leaving anything in their life. You can make a new
choice without having to become the enemy of the old. Right.
I love the entrepreneurial path, but I'm not anti nine
to five jobs. You know. I love that I moved
out to Los Angeles, but I'm not against people I
went to school with who stayed in the stuff. Right, Like,
(35:46):
there is so much freedom to make a new choice
without having to bring resentment into it, And honestly, I
would offer to you. In many of the instances where
we do hold the resentment, a lot of it is
resentment at ourselves or oh my god, I can't believe
I stayed there that long and let myself be subjected
to that. When I think of the last corporate job
(36:08):
that I talked about the day I walked out, I
did it with so much anger and resentment. Really just
didn't like the people I worked for. I didn't feel
like they were honest. I didn't feel like they were
fourth right with me. I resented them for trying to
make me into something that I wasn't, And really, when
I look back on it, as angry as I was,
(36:29):
it was mostly a myself because I literally walked into
that job the day of the interview, stepped off the elevator,
and this had never happened to me before. I actually
felt nauseous. There was this voice in my head that said,
do not take this job. And I got into the
interview and got seduced by the title in the corner
office and the money and the responsibility, and I went
(36:51):
against my instincts and took that job and knew within
like three months of getting there it was a terrible decision.
So I was more upset with myself just for oring
my intuition. So now we're at the real forgiveness work,
which I love. Thank you for sharing this, by the way,
because it's a perfect example for people listening. The real
forgiveness work here, as you can see, is not I
(37:13):
forgive those people for giving me that schedule, treating me
that way, showing up like that. The real forgiveness work
is I forgive myself for ignoring my instincts and not
honoring my truth when I really knew what the right
thing to do was what an incredible conversation with you.
(37:34):
I want people to go check out the book. They
can buy it on Amazon or they can get it
on your website. The book is how to Find Yourself,
love yourself, and be Yourself. Stephen. How can they find
you online? And if they want to work with you
or reach out at all, where do they go? Yeah,
so a couple of the starting points. My social media
on every platform pretty much is dr Love, grow d
(37:56):
R l o v E g R o v E, so,
face Book, Twitter, Instagram, etcetera. You can find me on
all social media. I'm most active and post the most
thorough content on Facebook, but I am all over the place.
The website is America's Life Coach dot us. So that is,
as you mentioned, where you can get the books. That's
(38:16):
where you can get on my mailing list. And if
you already know that you're ready to apply, I can
give you a direct link for that, which is apply
with Steven sp E p h e M dot com
and you can fill out the application and we will
be in touch with you about your options from there.
I love that they call him America's Life Coach for
a reason. Stephen, any final words, I guess if somebody's
(38:40):
listened to this podcast and it's got them thinking now
about the change that they want to make. If there
was one step that they could take right now, one
small step, what would that be? Mm hmm. I love
this question. Uh So my core message, when I boil
it down to one sentence, is all all things are
(39:01):
possible for the one to believe. And so what I
would challenge people to do is just take a moment.
Whether you take a walk, close your eyes, do it
before you go to bed, do it in the shower,
doesn't matter how you do it, but take a moment
to really get still and to turn within and to
ask yourself, what would I really like to experience in
(39:25):
my life? And probably some stuff is gonna come up.
But in the past you would have rushed off and
dismissed as yeah, but that's not realistic, right the cursed
are we're realistic. But this time I want you to
just go with it, and I want you to pick
one thing that really is the desire of your heart.
And I want you to ask yourself, if I believe
(39:48):
with a h certainty this was possible for me, what
would be my next step? What would I choose? What
would I do next, and go do that, and stay
on that path of belief, stay on that path of
creating certainty through powerful action, and you will experience all
things are possible for you because you are the one
(40:10):
to believe mm mmmmmm and do it afraid right, It's
never gonna be comfortable to get. Don't wait for the
fear too clear, you choose to move through it with
powerful actions coming from a place of love. Stephn, awesome
conversation today, my friend. I hope everybody looks you up online.
Go get the book. I hope we keep in touch,
(40:32):
my friend. This was really a great conversation. Thank you
so much, appreciate you. One of my favorite takeaways from
that interview is when he said, your deepest truth just
begins as a gut feeling. You know, your truth doesn't
always have to make sense intellectually, but you've got to
honor that little whisper in the back of your head
(40:52):
when you lay in bed at night that says there
has got to be something more out there for me.
Maybe that whisper says it's time for me to step
up and play a bigger game. Maybe it says it's
time for me to set a boundary and lead behind
a relationship that doesn't serve me. Or maybe it's just
time to open yourself up and love again. But if
you don't honor that gut reaction, life is going to
(41:15):
find a way eventually, whether it's a month from now,
a year from now, or five years from now, to
shake the tree and get your attention. It could be
a health diagnosis, it could be a divorce, it could
be a job layoff. But change is going to happen
in your life one of two ways. You can either
honor yourself and honor your truth, or the universe is
going to kick you out of your comfort zone and
(41:38):
force you to change. So I love the interview. I
thought it was beautiful. If you love this conversation, by
all means, please share it with a friend, Screenshot the
podcast uploaded to Instagram or Twitter. Share with us your breakthroughs.
You can taxt Stephen at Dr love Grove and you
can tag me at c sc Dan Mason. Don't forget
(41:59):
to follow us on the I Heart Radio app. Click
subscribe where every listen to your favorite podcast, and if
you want to connect with me one on one, I've
actually got some spots right now on my waiting list
for my coaching program. If you're looking for a mentor
to help you get to the next level creating more
joy in fulfillment in eighteen, I would love to serve you.
(42:20):
I would be honored. Get the info fill out an
application right now at my website creative soul coaching dot
net Creative soul coaching dot net. While you're there, you
can also sign up for free personal development training and
emails delivered to your inbox every week. In the meantime,
turned down the volume on your negativity, turn up the
(42:42):
volume on your purpose so you can get out there
and live life amplified. I'll talk to you next time,
(43:02):
lay Lad
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