The Importance of Relationships for Mental Health

On this weeks NewstalkZB’s The Nutters Club, host Hamish Williams and psychotherapist Kyle MacDonald delved into the critical role relationships play in mental health. The show featured callers sharing personal stories, challenges, and triumphs, highlighting the complexities and rewards of human connection.

MacDonald emphasised that relationships are foundational to emotional well-being, citing connection and community as key elements. ​He explained that close relationships, whether romantic, familial, or friendships, provide essential support during life’s struggles. ​ Conversely, difficulties in relationships, such as betrayal or trust issues, can significantly impact mental health, leading to feelings of instability and loneliness. ​

Several callers shared poignant experiences. Susie recounted how family therapy during her mother’s rehabilitation from alcoholism transformed their strained relationship into a loving bond. ​ She credited the Al-Anon program for helping her rebuild connections with her siblings. Another caller, Bronny, spoke about the challenges of trust and the importance of setting boundaries in relationships, particularly after experiencing trauma. She stressed the need for self-belief and self-care as a foundation for healthy connections. ​

The discussion also touched on loneliness, which is increasingly prevalent despite the rise of digital connectivity. ​MacDonald noted that loneliness stems from the absence of meaningful relationships and can be detrimental to mental health. ​He encouraged listeners to take proactive steps to build connections, even if it requires vulnerability and effort. ​

A recurring theme was the importance of self-love and self-awareness. ​One caller, Lola, reflected on her struggles with forming relationships after losing her mother at a young age. ​ Despite her challenges, she found fulfilment in helping others and emphasised the value of believing in oneself. ​Another caller, Jay, shared his approach to combating loneliness by actively engaging with people daily, creating new friendships and spreading positivity.

The show concluded with practical advice on navigating relationships, including the importance of communication, setting boundaries, and addressing issues like financial stress. MacDonald highlighted that relationships require effort but are ultimately worth it, as they enrich lives and protect against mental health challenges like depression and anxiety. ​

Listeners were reminded that while relationships can be complex, they are vital for emotional resilience and personal growth. By fostering connection and practicing empathy, individuals can build stronger, healthier relationships that enhance their overall well-being. ​

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:08):
You're listening to a podcast from News Talk SEDB. Follow
this and our wide range of podcasts now on iHeartRadio.

Speaker 2 (00:20):
Greetings and welcome.

Speaker 3 (00:22):
I'm Hamish Williams and you're listening to the podcast version
of The Nutters Club, a radio show on News Talk
said B. It talks about mental health and shares helpful
tips about how to live with your own. The show
is broadcast live on Sunday nights on news Talk sead
b right across New Zealand and.

Speaker 2 (00:40):
Around the world.

Speaker 3 (00:42):
We started way back in two thousand and nine and
since then we've always looked to help call us. People
who text the show, and of course people like yourself
be listening. This week, psychotherapist Carl McDonald and myself explored
one of the most critical elements of our mental health
relationships friends, work, colleagues, your partner, even the coffee guy.

(01:07):
Relationships are key to our mental health. Now thanks to
our amazing audience, we talked about how boundaries are key
and how to combat loneliness with proactive connection, and also
how having a good relationship with yourself is a critical
first step. Let us know what you learned from our

(01:27):
chat on any of our social media platforms just search
for the Nutters Club, en Z. I wanted to talk
about something when it comes to our mental health right now,
as a clinician, while you know, you're in a very
very privileged position where you know, you sit in the
confidentiality of a room. You know, clients come and see you,

(01:50):
and they talk about the mental health issues that they're
having to tackle, whatever that looks like. But without going
into specifics obviously because well, professionally that you can't, well
at least you shouldn't. But when it comes to this,
what's one of the number one things, and we've talked

(02:11):
about this before, one of the number one things as
a broad topic that people need help with are their.

Speaker 4 (02:18):
Relationships with the people generally, you know, I mean we talk,
you know, we talk on the show, don't we about
you know, all the big ease, the trauma and addiction
and all those things. But actually I think that the
thing that everybody who comes to therapy talks about is
the bumpy bits in their perhaps in their closest relationship

(02:39):
that be marriage or a partnership, you know, difficulties in
their friendships or their work relationships, but also the importance
of those and you know, and again, if we think
about something that we often talk about on the show grief,
that's really about relationships.

Speaker 3 (02:53):
So when I talk about relationships in terms of my
mental health, why are relationships so critical to having good
and well balanced mental health.

Speaker 4 (03:04):
Well, it comes back to that seaword that we talk
about all the time, right, connection and actually community as well.
When you think about it, our closest relationships are often
what keep us afloat. I mean, you know, when we
think about support, those closest to us the first place
we turn when we're struggling in some way. But also,
of course, if there are problems in your relationships, particularly

(03:26):
your intimate relationship, then it can really affect your mental health.

Speaker 3 (03:31):
So you know, you intimate relationships are one, but then
other ones too. It sometimes if we just talk about friendships,
like you know, friends are really important, it's when perhaps
a friend does something that you interpret as a betrayal
or something where you know it's been something negative in
the relationship, it seems to.

Speaker 2 (03:50):
Hurt so much more.

Speaker 4 (03:52):
Yeah, it does.

Speaker 3 (03:53):
You know, I can't believe that happened. I can't believe
they did that. And that's obviously then it stems often
to issues where people might have issues with your trusting
others or who can you really depend on? All this
kind of stuff, right, which then kind of creates an
environ of instability for you.

Speaker 2 (04:09):
Right, yeah, it does.

Speaker 4 (04:11):
And look, I think it's just it's just such a
foundation of our of our emotional life, isn't it. I mean,
you know, when we think about trauma for instance, actually
one of the places that trauma systems show up most
frequently for people who have experienced trauma is their relationships.
Because most things we think of and talk about on
this show, as quote trauma with a capital T is

(04:33):
you know, abuse or pain and suffering at the hands
of another human being. Right, So that's the negative version.
The positive version, of course, is that actually what we
know is that if people are able to form close,
long term romantic relationships, then there we can predict that
a lot of the difficulties we face in life, like depression, anxiety,

(04:55):
and actually some physical health difficulties, the kind of the
stress ones you know, your cardia Kalthlin, all those things
you protected from them by having a healthy intimate relationship
and a good network of friends. So it makes a
huge difference.

Speaker 3 (05:08):
Okay, well, look I don't want to get I don't
want to get, you know. Two sort of blase about
this because this is a big topic. But I was
thinking about how relationships can actually be really basic, just
into how you have day to day interactions, right, Yeah,
And I had this relationship experience. I never thought I'd

(05:28):
be talking about this, but it's it's one of our
local cafes, right, I'm blessed with a lot of different
cafes in the.

Speaker 2 (05:34):
Area where I live. Okay, you live in Auckland.

Speaker 3 (05:36):
I live in Auckland, So there's a cafe around every corner,
and and you know, you kind of you find the
one that works for you. Right now, What I had
was I decided that the guy who was the barista
at our cafe that we go to a lot. I
decided that, considering how many years and how regular I'd
gone there, that he actually wasn't that friendly, right, And

(05:58):
I thought, well, I've got choices. I've got I could
go somewhere else cafes. Well, I'm going to go somewhere else.
So I went to another cafe, and the other cafe
were very friendly, very welcoming, which was kind of what
I was thinking. I was missink good.

Speaker 2 (06:15):
So I thought this is.

Speaker 3 (06:16):
All right, you know, and I was like, oh, very
good in my decision, you know, I was very proud
of myself, puffed my chest out, made a good call
Hamish and then they were actually not that great on service,
and the coffee was actually not that great either, I
got to say, and so, you know, very well meaning,
but ultimately I was going because I wanted good coffee. Yeah,

(06:37):
And then I realized that actually when it came to
the guy that I thought wasn't being that friendly, I
thought about it a bit more and I thought, m
maybe I wasn't the one being friendly. You know, it's
got to go both ways, right, look in the mirror first.
So I went back to the other cafe, and I

(06:58):
was quite honest with the guy. So you know, he
takes the order and I said, I said, now, I said,
just so you know, I said, this is not the
only cafe that I go to. But I said, I
have come to realize that you are the best barrista
that I am an Auckland, that I that I that
I go to nice And he goes, thanks for that,
and you know, he got a bit of a smile
on his face, and then and I said, sorry, what's

(07:20):
your name? And I got his name and I told
him mine and I just said, oh, well, I said,
I said, I'm.

Speaker 2 (07:24):
Very lucky to have you.

Speaker 3 (07:25):
Have you had my life and he laughed at it,
and we had a bit of a chuckle at you know,
stupid o'clock in the morning. And I just thought to myself,
that's that. But that, now, that is a relationship. And
now when I see him, it's a bit of a wave,
it's a bit of a smile because as far as
he's concerned, I'm as.

Speaker 2 (07:41):
Number one fan. Perfect, So it works out well.

Speaker 3 (07:44):
So that is an example of a relationship.

Speaker 4 (07:47):
Right, I've got a great relationship relationship with my broister.
I heard a coffee machine at home.

Speaker 2 (07:52):
Oh you've got a coffee right.

Speaker 4 (07:53):
I pat myself on the back every morning and I
make my jeez.

Speaker 3 (07:58):
So look, anyway to kind of stan this off, what
I was thinking tonight, I would really like to talk
about is your relationships in your life. So if you've
got a relationship challenge, you know, if you've got one,
you know what what is the challenge? And what is
the What does a good relationship mean to you?

Speaker 2 (08:18):
Now?

Speaker 3 (08:18):
Is that a relationship worth your partner Is it a
relationship with your family, is it a relationship with your friends?

Speaker 2 (08:26):
And not always? Is it good?

Speaker 3 (08:28):
Is it you know like sometimes that you know good
friendships can turn bad? But also too, I think some
of the most important friendships are the ones that have
their rocky road. Yeah, and then you still keep being mates.

Speaker 4 (08:39):
Absolutely, And I'd like to hear what is it that
works in relationships for you? What actually in particularly you
know it makes you feel good or is positive for
your mental health.

Speaker 3 (08:49):
I've got a text to you, Kyle, and this one says, Hey,
I'm a longtime listener, but a bit shy to call in.
That's right, But the heats the text says, I find
it's so hard to trust people.

Speaker 5 (09:02):
Fair enough.

Speaker 3 (09:03):
I met this amazing guy and his neighbor is so kind,
but I don't know her so well, and I try
and make her meals to be nice. She's always been
nice to me and I really like her as a friend.
And I made her something and she didn't like it
and she couldn't have the heart to tell me. And
it has me a bit down, as I was only

(09:25):
trying to be a good friend. Any advice, thinks, well, I.

Speaker 4 (09:30):
Think you are being a good friend. You've been generous,
you've been kind. You're extending the hand of friendship to
someone that you like, and it sounds like they've been
supportive of you. I mean, I think the important thing
is to recognize that, actually, I think a good friendship
is one where we can actually talk about the things

(09:50):
that we might disagree on, or be honest with someone
if they perhaps you know, make us a meal that
we don't isn't quite to our taste, that we can
tell them because there's not actually about us. That's about
the strength of the relationship, because often relationships need to
be able to have those slide a tricky conversations. I'd
suggest that actually, you know, hiding things from each other

(10:11):
is not a good relationship. To look at it the
other way around.

Speaker 3 (10:14):
I think, you know, to not like a friend's food
is absolutely fine. Yeah, you consider and be like like,
I love your company, you are a great person. But
whow that one time you made me that that whatever
the hell that was, that was terrible to.

Speaker 4 (10:30):
A barbecue at my place with a cucumber salad hamish.
I wouldn't thank you.

Speaker 6 (10:34):
Now.

Speaker 3 (10:35):
But to come back to the text, the central part
of it, there's actually some clinical insight into actually when people,
you know, people can have a bit of a bit
of a laugh between each other, or they can actually
deal with conflict in a in a kind of a mature,
if you like, way, that's actually really good for our

(10:57):
mental strength in terms of our resilience and actually being
able to feel trusted with the person.

Speaker 2 (11:02):
Right.

Speaker 7 (11:03):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (11:03):
Absolutely.

Speaker 4 (11:04):
We have this little bit of psychobabble that we talk
about in therapy which is called that you know Relationtionships
are containers, and we often talk about this idea of
containing strong feelings. And so if we think about it
from that point of view, the important thing is to
create a strong container, right. We want a solid, heavy
pottery bowl that can contain a lot of feelings. And
often that's about disagreement.

Speaker 8 (11:25):
Right.

Speaker 4 (11:26):
So one of the things that I think is really
important to recognize the relationships is as relationships grow, sometimes
they can get a little bit more. There can be
more disagreement, there can be stronger opinions shared, there can
be an expression of not liking something that the other
person likes. That's actually a good thing for the relationship
because it means that the trust and the strength of
containment is there that we can have those conversations. If

(11:47):
you think about the inverse, If we're hiding our true
feelings or opinions and views from somebody because we're worried
they might not like them and reject us, then actually,
that's a relationship that's kind of weak and isn't actually
containing and building and strengthening in the way we would
want it to.

Speaker 3 (12:02):
So in a good relationship, you should be seeing the
person for who they are and accepting them regardless.

Speaker 4 (12:09):
And finding ways to disagree. I mean, it's pretty unfashionable
these days, isn't it. You know, everybody sort of ends
up in silos where we will agree with each other,
particularly online.

Speaker 3 (12:17):
I don't agree with that, Kyle, of course you don't.

Speaker 4 (12:21):
But actually it's about how do we strengthen those bonds
over time to enable us to freely express ourselves and
be ourselves with other people.

Speaker 3 (12:30):
Well, look, let's go back to the central core of
what you're talking about in that text message. I think
she is your friend, and I think you've been a
great friend to her. So you know what, perhaps she
just didn't like the meal, maybe she didn't want to
offend you. But this is also too like when it
comes to having good relationships. There's a few common mistakes

(12:50):
we make, right Kyle.

Speaker 4 (12:52):
Yeah, so mind reading and making assumptions as one of
the biggies and being scared to raise things that are
emotionally difficult is probably the other one avoidance. You know,
we talk about that a lot on the show. I mean,
in this situation, i'd really encourage, you know, to perhaps
find a gentle way to say, Hey, I'd really like
to make you something that you do like, let me
know what's your favorite what's your favorite dinner, what's your

(13:12):
favorite meal, And I'll see if I can whip something up.
Because actually, again that's about being generous and doing the
thing that you want to do, but doing it with
just a little bit more communication.

Speaker 2 (13:22):
Yeah.

Speaker 7 (13:23):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (13:23):
Sometimes people say, you know, is there anything you don't like? Yeah,
to which I answered tomatoes, Oh yeah, don't ask me why,
just not a fan?

Speaker 4 (13:30):
Fair enough.

Speaker 3 (13:31):
It's the way they look, you know, soon you're so
conceited and glowing and red. It's probably just the Otago
guy in me. It just drops me, sets me off
straight to Canterbury, Canterburn, and I get the little nerse
twitch right back to the lines. Let's talk to you tonight. Susie.
Good evening to you, good evening.

Speaker 9 (13:50):
How are you.

Speaker 2 (13:51):
Yeah, I'm good. Good to hear your voice.

Speaker 9 (13:53):
Yeah. Well, I've just got a mowee story. When right
from when I was a toddler getting up for the
age of ten and beginning my early twenties, Mama and
I used to fight like kits and dogs. I couldn't
stand her. I just proceeded things to me and I
did things to her. And then of course she became

(14:16):
an alcoholic and to dry out, she went to a
program with Queen Mary. If you know what I'm.

Speaker 2 (14:21):
Talking about, yes, yep, yep.

Speaker 3 (14:23):
We've talked to people have been in Queen Mary on
the show before, yep, yep.

Speaker 9 (14:27):
Unfortunately I could invite it up to Family Week and
that was the biggest time of my life. Guys. I
actually we worked. A counselor took us in the room.
We talked about our differences, and when I got home,
I had a real mother, the one that really I
really loved, and she loved me. We had to work

(14:48):
hard and later on in years of course, about four
years she went into a home in christ Church, and
I would go up at least every three months or so,
and she's been gone for four years now, and I
went up in the March. This was about four years ago.
And now I came home for two weeks before I

(15:09):
was to go up again because she was dying of cancer.
And I was talking to her the night before she
died and she said, I love you, sweetheart, and I
said I do too. And at four o'clock that morning,
I got the call to say she had died. And
to me, I had such a lovely relationship with her,
and we had manded our bridges and everything. It was

(15:32):
just so small. It took a lot of hard work.
I had to work hard at it too, because I
was a little b I t h in the home
at times. But we just became the best of friends,
mother and daughter.

Speaker 3 (15:46):
Well, you know what, very beautiful, Susie. You've hit on
a couple of really interesting points there, and thank you
for sharing that story, because it's exactly what we're talking
about tonight. First of all, the one that jumps out
at me is that you've actually talked about how it
is hard work. Relationships are hard work, but it is
worth it.

Speaker 2 (16:05):
Right.

Speaker 3 (16:07):
So next part, though, when you went up for family
week at the rehab, what happened during that week. I
think I know, but I was just I don't want
to presume anything, but you know, did you actually start
to sort of hear things from your mum's experience, her perspective?

Speaker 9 (16:24):
Yeah, well what happened at night time? You had what
you call twenty twenty. So you would go to your parents'
room because there was other daughters there with their parents
do and you would have twenty twenty. Mum would talk
for twenty minutes and I wasn't allowed to button. And
I would talk for twenty minutes and she wasn't allowed
to button. So I got a lot of her story,

(16:45):
how she was treated as a child. I got to
hear so much of what her life was like. It
was beautiful, it was it was lovely. I'll never forget
that time in Queen Mary. Never.

Speaker 2 (16:58):
It sounds like they knew what they were doing.

Speaker 3 (17:00):
To be honest, Susie like that that twenty twenty that's brilliant. Yeah, oh, Susan,
I'm now.

Speaker 9 (17:06):
I'm now in the all program if you know, Ellan on, Yes,
and that's got me. I have great relations with all
my sisters and my brother are fantastic. I had to
work hard that too, But I have really close to
them all, and I cherish that.

Speaker 3 (17:24):
I really cherish it because I'll tell you what, SUSI.
I was actually just a couple of weeks ago out
in the real world outside of Nudda's club land. I
was talking with a guy and his mum went through
rehab and he was talking about how allan On was
just absolutely critical to helping their family, you know, be

(17:45):
able to keep the relationship that he had with his mother.
But Kyle, just for anyone who doesn't know what ellan
On is, what is ellan On?

Speaker 4 (17:53):
So basically it's a twelve step affiliated programs. Everyone's heard
of AA right our Shock's anonymous. Allan On Family Groups
is for families and friends of alcoholics, and so it's
a support structure, group based meeting much like AA. People
can go along and talk about the difficulties of being
in close relationships with people struggling with addiction and get

(18:13):
that support for themselves as well.

Speaker 3 (18:17):
Susie, thank you so much for calling. Brilliant, brilliant call,
and what an amazing experience. And hey, you know what,
good on you for turning up and going along and
putting in the time.

Speaker 9 (18:30):
Yeah, certain they're nice to talk to you.

Speaker 4 (18:31):
Is go well CZ thanks for me And if anyone's
wanting to find way out more about Ellen on a
l dashanon dot org dot NZ, that's a L A
n O NTZ.

Speaker 2 (18:46):
Got a text here for you. Coh.

Speaker 3 (18:48):
I'm like, you're inside into this because you have got
some experiences from this in your working life. And it
says I'm an older female with a history of sexual
abuse and trust issues. I would like an intimate relationship
with a male, but I fear sexual connection. Is such
a relationship possible?

Speaker 4 (19:08):
Yes, absolutely, because the fundamental of relationships don't change, which
we have to find relationships we feel safe, and it's
entirely possible for people to recover from sexual abuse and
sexual violence and have satisfying intimate relationships. The key thing
is to make sure that you've worked through the trauma,
so really recommend if you haven't already seen a counselor

(19:29):
or psychotherapist or psychologist. If the violence happened in New Zealand,
you'll be eligible for funding under this acc Sensitive Claims scheme.
Find support not all good at and Z it is
the website to go to about that. But fundamentally, I
mean I think you should absolutely be hopeful because it's
about in a way, it's the same thing as any

(19:51):
other relationship, but with the volume turned up finding people
we feel safe with finding people we can communicate our
needs to and finding people we can be honest about
the difficulties we've had in life so that they can
be respectful of those difficulties.

Speaker 3 (20:05):
Now, the acc sensive claims process, by the way, is
is a very open in terms of who can apply
for it.

Speaker 4 (20:12):
You don't need to funding model that doesn't need to
have been charges laid against the person it Literally you
can go and see a counselor. You don't have to
deal with a sc directly at the beginning. The counselor
takes care of all of that and it's fully one
hundred percent funded.

Speaker 3 (20:25):
If you want any more details, though I know Carle's
read out the web address, but if you want any
more details, flick me a text on nine two nine
two and I'll reply with the details. Or you can
get in touch with us through the Another's Club Facebook page,
which you just got in Facebook and where the Nuther's
Club end zed on there. Flick us a message and
we'll send you those details. So good evening to you.

Speaker 10 (20:46):
Oh, good evenings you guys for talking. I was just thinking, gosh,
it's not matsites. You haven't been story. But I wanted
to put, firstly mental in the emotional context. The most
important thing of all, first and foremost is a relationship

(21:10):
with yourself. If you don't have that, it makes relationships
with others very difficult. Actually, And on another level, there
is a real problem in this country with bullies and
self hatred that actually drives it. You I but a

(21:32):
lot of people these days only look at effect though
very seldom actually look at the course and business right
across the board, and to me, that's where the problem lies.
But since your last caller mentioned that, it's about just

(21:53):
over forty one years ago since I walked into an
alcoholic Synonymous meeting, and I'm still sober. Actually yeah, ohso.
But I'll tell you what there is, you know, the
fourth step. It took me seven years just to look

(22:13):
at myself. It was the last thing I wanted to do,
but it ended up being the best thing, you know,
because you can't change anything until you start to work
on that part.

Speaker 4 (22:29):
Once you could do that, what actually changed in your
life Once you could look at yourself.

Speaker 10 (22:35):
Well, if you're not looking at yourself, you can't work
on yourself and improve things, you know. And that's through
it started for me, and it's it hasn't been easy,
but over the years it's it actually did get better.

(22:55):
Because originally I only went there to get better so
I could go back drinking, you see. But I kind
of didn't work out that way, luckily. But I went
to ellen On as well, and to me, that was
about detachment. And I've done a lot of voluntary work

(23:17):
and advocacy work and still do and that program has
been absolutely invaluable, you know, and I really recommend it
to people because it will really help a lot, you know,
if these other problems. Since I heard the SQULL, I

(23:39):
just wanted to put that little bit over as well.

Speaker 3 (23:43):
Yeah, oh thank you. Yeah, I think it's Look, you're
absolutely right, and I think, you know, it's really really
great that we can talk about this one tonight. We
were kind of kicking this around a bit, saying, you know,
what have we not talked about in terms of that? Yeah,
some of the things that are really critical, and you know,
you guys are really giving such great insight as to

(24:05):
why relationships matter.

Speaker 10 (24:08):
That they do. But mainly it has to start with yourself, you.

Speaker 3 (24:12):
Know, absolutely absolutely, And as you were saying it, so
I was pumping the air and championing your words because
that is one hundred correct, you know one of the things,
and I think you are right about you know what
you said. We've got a real problem that we need
to address. One of the things that I really really

(24:34):
makes me so sad when I get talking to people
a bit, is that I actually realize that so many
people are wandering around this world thinking that they have
so little value, so little to offer. And actually when
I get talking to them, I realize instantly that they
have so much to give, so much insight to share,
They just haven't had anyone tell them this.

Speaker 10 (24:58):
Yeah, everybody has something to contribute. It's even like the
school bully, you know, you make them the monitor of
the plague and stuff like. You've got to think outside the.

Speaker 3 (25:10):
Square, ray find a way, find a way to be
able to work with all the different personality types. Right, absolutely, Well,
you always make a lot of sense to us, So
you're onto it. If if you are running running the show,
I think would all be a lot better off.

Speaker 11 (25:30):
Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 10 (25:32):
What I like. I like to live in the real world,
you know. And yeah, everything is so individual life now
and and it's it's a lot more difficult, I guess
for people. But you know, no one's an ilands. You

(25:53):
need it so that you see.

Speaker 3 (25:55):
Yes, yeah, absolutely absolutely. Hey, look so lovely to hear
from you tonight, Really really love hearing your voice. You
love you, so go well, it's Sue bye. Just look
a brilliant cal as always, she makes a lot of sense.
So we've got a couple of text message here about

(26:16):
Queen Mary. So someone here just texted and said, good on, Susie.
I went through Queen Mary's an alcoholic in nineteen eighty
five and witnessed many miracles happening. They should never have
closed it, Colin. Now that's an interesting text because then
Chrissy Texan and she says, Hi, you two lovelies.

Speaker 2 (26:37):
Oh nice, It's very nice, isn't it.

Speaker 3 (26:39):
Can either of you tell me why Queen Mary was
closed down. I knew many who succeeded in biffing their
addictions at QM. They were mainly patients of my friends
when I was young. Regards Chrissy, Okay, Chrissy, I've had
a quick look to find out what happened. So basically
what happened now if you don't know, Queen Mary was
in Hamner Springs, so South Island, beautiful, beautiful area of

(27:02):
the country. Nineteen ninety the funding model for how Queen
Mary hoss but all operated changed because and it was
an introduction apparently of what they called the cross boundary charging,
so that all kind of messed around with it a bit.

Speaker 4 (27:21):
Right, So if you came from Auckland, it was difficult
to go to a rehab in Hannah.

Speaker 2 (27:25):
You got it.

Speaker 3 (27:26):
So they were kind of like, well, you know, we
don't need this nice place in Hamna Springs. You know,
there should be something more closer to you to do
your treatment. And then it was basically it was sort
of you know, cuts and death by a thousand cuts
from there. And then there was a decision to made
to close Queen Mary in nineteen ninety six. But in

(27:46):
nineteen ninety seven a businessman called Rob Finwick and John
Beatty they bought Queen Mary from the Crown and they
started running it as an independent but they were still
soliciting some government funding, but they were owning the building,
running it as a rehab still still as a rehab

(28:07):
and you could get that. They set up regional outpatient
clinics and christ Church, Wellington, todd Wrong, Hamilton and Auckland.

Speaker 4 (28:14):
I remember the one in Auckland. It was that turned
into the CAD's Day program eventually.

Speaker 3 (28:19):
Okay, so there's a direct relationship with Queen Mary with cads.
So yeah, and so this would also mean that they
could refer patients to the hospital anyway.

Speaker 2 (28:29):
Basically there was.

Speaker 3 (28:33):
A youth program as well that closed in two thousand
and two, and then a plan produced in two thousand
and three was produced, you know, reducing beard staff numbers. Anyway,
with Ministry House withdrew its funding, the company went into
liquidation and the hospital closed November two thousand and three.

Speaker 4 (28:49):
It's a shame because it's such a beautiful spoiler's right
next to the hot springs.

Speaker 3 (28:52):
Yeah, and look, most importantly it worked.

Speaker 4 (28:56):
Yeah I did.

Speaker 2 (28:57):
Anyway, you asked the.

Speaker 3 (28:58):
Question, Chrissy, I hope you like that quickly researched answer.
Thank you very much to my partner in crime Crime Wikipedia. Anyway,
we are going to take a when we come back.
I've got Matthew and Bronnie on the line. Two free
lines there. If you're looking for it, give us a
call one hundred and eighty ten eighty back soon.

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Speaker 3 (29:47):
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Speaker 1 (29:50):
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It's a direction you choose.

Speaker 3 (29:56):
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Or return to work programs, we provide per ventative and
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Speaker 13 (30:18):
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Speaker 10 (30:34):
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Speaker 13 (30:37):
Download our free iHeartRadio Wave Furi Festival and stream the
whole thing live and ad free streaming now only on iHeartRadio,
Straight Talk Sharp Inside.

Speaker 14 (30:49):
I do think better times are a coming. It's just
the way economies work. There are cycles, and surely we've
reached the bottom and now we're going to go up,
and then we'll reach the top and we're around. We'll
come again, no matter who's in part.

Speaker 1 (31:01):
How far would you push the old expiry date for
your food?

Speaker 3 (31:04):
Expiring dates for the week best before, pretty good for
a week after the just back yourself smell test and
go for it and even if it smells bad.

Speaker 2 (31:12):
That's where spices were invented.

Speaker 1 (31:13):
Every view from every angle, Us Talks B, the Nutters,
class on News Talks It B.

Speaker 3 (31:20):
Hey, welcome back to the show. Just a quick Formula
one update for you, Liam Lawson is down in tenth now,
but that's because he's gone and had a pit stop,
so he hasn't lost any places. It's all very strategic,
so he is going. Well, they're on lap twenty four
of fifty one, so we'll keep you updated.

Speaker 4 (31:38):
As those where the formula one gets confusing for me,
what's that? Well, some of them are on hard tires
and medium tires and multiple pit strategies, and it's just like, actually,
you want to watch the first five laps and then
sort of come back for the last five lips to
figure out what's happened.

Speaker 3 (31:50):
Sure, okay, but I mean you understand the basic concept,
like you got cars fuel, you got to put fuel
in you know, I know you drive an EV.

Speaker 2 (31:57):
But it's still the same thing.

Speaker 3 (31:58):
Well, there's formulae, yeah, but we're not calling out that
results the formula ECAR, just saying, you know, one day,
let's go back to the lines.

Speaker 2 (32:08):
Tonight.

Speaker 3 (32:08):
Anyway, on the show, we're talking about relationships and their
critical importance to our mental health. It actually it turns
out that a lot of the challenges that we have
with our mental health is actually being able to navigate
the many challenges of relationships we'll get it right and
you can begun fantastic, and then when it doesn't go

(32:30):
so well, it can be the source of a lot
of discomfort and then obviously can lead on to some
pretty terrible parts at the pointing end of the sphere.
But let's try and avoid those. And the way we're
going to do that is by talking about when it
comes to relationships.

Speaker 2 (32:45):
What works? What have you found works?

Speaker 13 (32:50):
This?

Speaker 3 (32:50):
That's Matthew. He's on the line, Matthew. Good evening to you.

Speaker 5 (32:54):
Oh, good evening. H Sorry, I had to set my
cellphone off my ear and actually you're on my hands
free ce. Relationships. Yeah, I'll tell you about relationships. A
lot of the mental health community is a big idea.

(33:16):
When it comes to the mental health community, it means
it could be IHC, it could be someone will bipolar,
it could be someone separate that's got schizophrenia, and a
lot of these people. What the government doesn't realize is
that some of these people are born into a rich family,

(33:37):
and some of them are born some of us are
raised into a poor family or bought raised in a
rich family. And I feel like when it comes to
relationships nowadays, is when it comes to the my MSD.
If we're lucky enough to figure that out, how much

(33:58):
money we get. Is a lack of social housing. On
top of lack of social housing, is the idea that
when somebody has been diagnosed with a mental health condition,
when it comes to the MIMSD and I'm sure you goes,

(34:20):
I'm sure the doctor in the background understands about MIMSC
because these signs the medical certificate is qualified to sign
the medical certificate. But yet alone we're divided again, and
there's a lack of empathy where if there was a

(34:41):
situation where they could connect independent living to not be
independent living, but with an idea that we could actually
live together instead of being divided. And I just I

(35:01):
when it comes to the government and equal payments and
equal pay, they are dividing everybody through equal pay on
them my MSc app and I know this through reality
and facts and truth. When somebody in the disabled community

(35:22):
wants to consider having a relationship, who is the government
to decide that they have to have less money on
their benefit when they've already been diagnosed for a doctor
that they should be supported in a relationship if they
had the right avenues of choice to be supported together

(35:44):
to live together.

Speaker 3 (35:46):
Okay, there's there's there's a few, there's a few things
coming up in there. But I think, you know, when
it comes to relationships being measured for you know, for
for any kind of social welfare assistance, that that's probably
more of a process rather than being directly I mean,

(36:08):
health is shoe. However, perhaps there is something to this, Matthew,
in terms of actually understanding the value that perhaps the
relationship can have to actually the well being of the individual.

Speaker 8 (36:22):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (36:23):
I think it's really good point from the from the
point of view that you know, obviously we look at
these things administratively, or at least WINS does from the
point of view of finances and you know, financial support.
But actually it's hard to put a value on that
emotional support, isn't it.

Speaker 3 (36:36):
Yeah, Yeah, and I guess that's where they're coming at it.
But also too important to have a good relationship, I suppose,
you know, with your social welfare you know, caseworker and.

Speaker 2 (36:46):
The like as well.

Speaker 3 (36:47):
Absolutely, if if you have any issues though when it
comes to that, there are actual pre advocates available and
we've talked about them on the show before. But if
you do want to look for a free advocate to
help you with any of those issues. You can just
literally go online google you know, WINS Advocacy Support and

(37:08):
find a whole bunch of people who know that the
system really well and more than happy to help you.

Speaker 4 (37:12):
And Citizens Advice Bureau, Citizens and Advice Bureau.

Speaker 3 (37:16):
There are a bloody good lot those cab as they
like to call himself.

Speaker 4 (37:21):
Yeah, they are great.

Speaker 3 (37:22):
Is that that's their weab a dress is it not?

Speaker 4 (37:24):
Zav dot org dot nz cab go for it.

Speaker 3 (37:28):
Volunteers mostly, yeah, just people who want to see the
world be a little bit more equitable. Yeah, yeah, good,
good people. Quick little update from formula one. Lawson has
moved up one spot to ninth, So yeah, he has
had a pit stop, but he is working his way
back up the field now toninth. We've got another text

(37:49):
message here Kimmy, and Kimmy says, I was an adopted
child and I had an imaginary friend. He was a
big part of my life. I'm now fifty seven and
can still remember holding his hand wherever I went, or
telling family why they couldn't sit by me because rockies
sit here, etc. And I remember saying goodbye to him

(38:11):
without any distress. Coincidentally, my great grandfather passed the very
day I was born. What's your understanding of imaginary friends?
Would love to know your thoughts.

Speaker 4 (38:22):
A really normal part of development and childhood development, actually,
and it's one of those things some kids have them,
some kids don't, but certainly not something to be concerned
about if your kids do. It's a way of literally
using our imagination, which is much more useful, much more
florid when we're a child, to support ourselves with an
imagined connection, perhaps when something might be lacking in our life,

(38:46):
or we've gone through some kind of difficulty or trauma
and preps adoption was the trigger for this person, Maybe not,
but perfectly normal, just like carrying a soft toy around,
but doing it with our imagination.

Speaker 3 (38:57):
And I guess that's a way for you to actually
play out perhaps how you might like relationships to go
as well. Yeah, absolutely, imagining what the good case scenario would.

Speaker 4 (39:06):
Be, practicing so getting that feeling of support from something
else in those moments where we need them.

Speaker 3 (39:15):
Okay, well, there you go, Kimmy. I hope that's answered
the question. And it's a really good question too. I've
never thought about the psychology of imaginary friends before until now.

Speaker 4 (39:23):
Yeah, and it's really normal to just age out of
them too, Like she described Carle McDonald.

Speaker 3 (39:28):
Why is it the relationships are hard for us to
talk about.

Speaker 4 (39:31):
Well, they require us to be vulnerable. They also require
us to take self responsibility if we want them to work.
So one of the old, you know, one of those
catchphrases you often hear from from couple's counselors is that
every couple turns up in couple's counseling absolutely convinced that
it's the other person's fault. And actually the only way

(39:52):
through that is to acknowledge what our part in the
situation is and to work first on that.

Speaker 3 (39:59):
Interesting. Yeah, I mean, and that was kind of what
Sue was saying the last hour. You know, you've got
to make sure the relationship with yourself was good first.

Speaker 2 (40:05):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (40:07):
Well, I'm interested to hear what you think tonight. So
the phone number is, of course eight hundred and eighty
ten eighty, or you can inflict us affl like us
a text on nine two ninety two. I have promised
to continue to give you Formula one updates. They are
on lap thirty five at the moment, and new Zealand's

(40:27):
own Liam Lawson. He is in eighth now, so he's
working his way back up up the pack after having
pitted there where he went down to tenth, starting of
course in third. A whole lot of numbers fly around,
but we'll keep you updated on that as we can
cross back to Azerbaijan.

Speaker 2 (40:45):
But let's go to.

Speaker 3 (40:46):
The lines now, Bronnie. Good morning to you. Great to
hear you, Bronnie.

Speaker 6 (40:54):
How are we tell that I am in the land
living well?

Speaker 2 (40:58):
Good good.

Speaker 3 (40:59):
We haven't heard from you for a week, but it's
nice to hear you back on the show.

Speaker 8 (41:03):
Thank you.

Speaker 6 (41:05):
Yeah, well coming here, what's this relyationship thing? Well, yes, positive,
I absolutely believe what's so was saying, so totally agree.
You really do need to believe in yourself coming from
the trauma side and the abusive side. Plus also family

(41:29):
dynamics and things like that. Some of them, some of
our relationships are due to how we've been taught. It's
behavioral too, of what you've learned through your parents or
how we've handled things. So there's a whole whole different

(41:52):
ball game in that. In learning how to what's good
for you, you have to kind of like, yeah, go
out of that side of it. So where you said
how much about sensitivity, relationships are huge and like I mean,
when you've been traumed or when you've been abused so much,

(42:18):
again it's all your self worth, it's opening up again
and vulnerable. So there is fair, but there is also
bringing the past into a relationship you have, and you
do need boundaries because for me, I mean the relationships

(42:39):
I've had have been kind of like you think that
it's all good and then it's become repetitive, you know,
So that's quite crushing and devastating when you've given yourself
and again you've gone along and you know, sometimes you
feel like you might as well have written mugs on

(43:01):
your forehead come and get me tip. So you know,
thinks there it's going to happen. But you are, like
repeatedly with saying, is that you become vulnerable. You want love,
you want to be you know, in a relationship, But
it's it's what's the agenda and how you're handling it,

(43:24):
what you're actually believing in yourself, Like so said again,
really working on yourself and your inner peace and in
the self of what you can, what you will tolerate
and what you won't tolerate. So again it's boundaries too
for yourself.

Speaker 3 (43:45):
Yeah, boundaries is a really important one there, Bronnie, and
thank you for bringing that up, because sometimes we have
to be able to have those boundaries just to be
able to have relationships with people.

Speaker 6 (43:55):
Right, Yeah, and sometimes you have you really have to
be your own friend. I mean for me, as I
continuously said, relationships are huge for me because trust is
the bigger thing. My main trust has been damaged, so
you know, and when you've been doubly or you know, replacedly,

(44:20):
it really becomes you know, why bother type of thing,
or you know, you're better to you know, not get
yourself involved or get yourself in a relationship because of
the fear of the consequences of what you're going to
go into you know of And so it's really been

(44:42):
open minded again. It's coming into knowing yourself and living
who you are believing. When when I went through the
worst abuse for me going out of my relationships, I
really tuned around. The only thing that kept me going
was believing what I deserve better you known't hasn't happened.

(45:08):
At the same time, if you you know, I mean,
if I can If I know that I can care,
then someone else can, even though that they've told me,
you know, I'm this and that, and you know, all
the all the stuff that comes into it, the negative
side of it. You know, you've got to dismiss all

(45:31):
of that side of it. And so again it's rebuilding
yourself up from all of that impact, healing whatever you
know you feel like doing. But yeah, absolutely being true
to yourself and more and valuing who you are as
a person, being your own friend too is huge because

(45:54):
for me, loneliness is the killer. And I've said it
so many times. Sometimes I feel so lonely when I
try to make friends, and sadly some friends are for agendas,
you know, they're not there for genuine and that's the
hard part of determining who is genuine and who's not.

Speaker 3 (46:19):
Well, it's interesting you bring up loneliness as well, Bronnie,
because you know, relationships, as we said, you know, absolutely critical,
but loneliness as an experience, believe it or not, in
this incredibly connected world is on the rise in quite
significant rates. And this is a real worry because loneliness

(46:39):
is the absence of relationships, right, Yeah, and.

Speaker 6 (46:43):
I feel it all the time. I feel it myself
all the time, but I still believe in myself. So
I kind of have to get out of that mode
of feeling, you know, I may because the trust issue
there again of people and judgment too, is a big one.

(47:04):
When you think when you've been judged because of what
you know, if people know you in a small town,
or you know what they've got you know, mentally or whatever.
That can also affect to it's the way of what
people can do because a lot of us end up

(47:25):
going into a pattern of seeking. You know, we're we're seeking,
We're seeking friendships and comfort and all of that kind
of things. But are we doing it in the right way?
Do you know what I mean? You can become codependent,

(47:46):
you can become code apendent if you don't watch out.
So there are those kind of traits of That's where
I stay with the boundary side of it that I've learned.
But on the positive side, I mean, I know that,
as I say, at times, I can feel like, what
a why do I bother? You know, I mean, what

(48:06):
am I doing wrong?

Speaker 13 (48:08):
You?

Speaker 1 (48:08):
Oh?

Speaker 3 (48:08):
Look, I think that's absolutely natural, Bronnie, And I think
we all ask ourself questions of that because like I said,
you know, relationships, this whole life thing day to day,
it's hard, right.

Speaker 2 (48:20):
But it is worth it.

Speaker 3 (48:21):
And that's why we keep at it because when we
get through the challenging parts, it's so good on the
other side. But man, at times, you just do ask yourself,
don't you Like, why do we even bother with other people?

Speaker 6 (48:35):
Yeah? Because you've got to believe in yourself, like I say,
And that's the biggest one is learning to believe yourself
and get over all what you've been told because you,
I mean, a lot of your negative really comes into that,
or self talking to yourself and things like that.

Speaker 3 (48:56):
You know, Well, we believe in you, Bronnie, and we
value you on the show. And it's lovely to hear
your voice back on here. You've been gone a wee while,
but it's lovely.

Speaker 2 (49:05):
To have you back.

Speaker 6 (49:07):
Did you look look forward.

Speaker 3 (49:09):
To talking again soon? Don't leave us so long next time?

Speaker 6 (49:12):
Okay, I go go well, Bronnie, by bye.

Speaker 3 (49:18):
Bronnie talks a lot of sense there. That's all pretty
bang on. Actually, yeah, I can't fault anything.

Speaker 2 (49:24):
She said.

Speaker 4 (49:24):
No, And just to say a little bit more about boundaries,
I mean the boundaries are essentially those lines and relationships
for the behavior that we will accept and the behavior
that we won't accept. It's really important to stick to
those because that's where our safety comes from. But this
idea of codependence as worth just quickly defining too, which
is an essence codependence is that a relationship whereby we're

(49:48):
focused on the other person being okay before we can
be okay. Right, So what it says is, look, my
partner has to be happy or I can't be happy.
So it's taking responsibility often for relationships and situations that
aren't ours. So it's a boundary issue as well that
actually you can have your feelings. I can have mine,
and sometimes you're unhappy and that's not necessarily my fault,

(50:08):
even my problem.

Speaker 3 (50:09):
Here's a good one from Colin. There's a text message.
Colin says two things that can repair a relationship saying
I'm sorry and saying I love you.

Speaker 2 (50:21):
Yeah. I really like that.

Speaker 4 (50:22):
Do you know one of the things that I have
worked really really hard as a parent say sorry to
my kids because it's sort of one of those things
that it's obvious when you think about it objectively, but
you want your kids to apologize to you right when
they do something wrong. Well, often we demand it, say sorry, No,
you have to say sorry.

Speaker 3 (50:38):
How do kids learn Yeah, by demonstrating the behavior to
them exactly.

Speaker 4 (50:42):
So if you want your kids to apologize, make sure
you apologize to them when you stuff up.

Speaker 3 (50:47):
To Yeah, I think it's important. You know, we can
demonstrate it to everyone. And you know, you're talking about
in the relationship of you know, being a parent in kids,
but you know you can do it in any any
relationship actually, friendship, work, you know, work mates, whatever.

Speaker 2 (51:03):
People.

Speaker 4 (51:03):
It's hard sometimes though, isn't it?

Speaker 3 (51:05):
Or you know, yep, But I tell you what, some
of the people that I've seen have put their hands
up and said sorry and and genuinely meant it and
taking responsibility. That's that's when actually you have a lot
of respect because I think when when we have these
times of challenge in our life, that's actually the time

(51:26):
when you're going to see what the personality, what the
you know, what those those values and principles of the
person really are. And the ability to put your hand
up and take responsibility and apologize to others, that's that's
pretty powerful.

Speaker 4 (51:39):
I agree with that we were talking off here before
the show. For me, one of the big tests of
friendships is people who show up when you need them,
whether that be a death or a big event in
your life, or also the celebrating of things. You know,
the people who show up at those at those happy
times too, that matters.

Speaker 3 (51:56):
I know, I know of times, and I know actually
of an incredible story. And you don't need to know
who the people are because it's not important, but it was.
It was an dadable story because it was a guy
who didn't realize how good of a friend somebody else
was in his life. Tragically, absolutely tragically, this this man

(52:17):
lost his four year old son to an accident, terrible,
terrible accident. And he had a friend that he did
some work for, like you know, and he was a
sparky and he did some work for this guy. And
he called him up and said to him, mate, I'm
really sorry. I'm not going to be able to make
that job tomorrow, and then broke down crying on the
phone and said, you know, my wee boy's just been killed. Right,

(52:39):
hard phone called to make. But still, you know, he
was a sparky. That was his business. He had to call,
you know, his friend. He was kind of his friend
slash client, but you know friend first, who was doing
some work for right. Two and a half hours later,
that friend and the friend's wife turned up on his doorstep,
walked in and said, mate, I'm going to take care

(53:01):
of you.

Speaker 2 (53:02):
Know what do you need?

Speaker 3 (53:03):
Right, And his wife just like went into the kitchen
and just told told his wife, you know, you sit down,
I'm going to do the cooking. And he didn't actually
realize what a good friend he had. He knew they
were friends, but he didn't know until that absolute tragic
moment how lucky he was to have that person in
his life. The friends who show up.

Speaker 4 (53:23):
And also demonstrates what people actually need in those moments too, Right,
you don't just sit around and talk about it. Actually
just need someone to cook your meal and do the
washing and make sure everything's actually still working.

Speaker 3 (53:32):
Yeah, And I can tell you because this guy, this
guy to this day feels undebted to that, to that
kindness that was showe at that critical moment. So Hey,
sometimes relationships they end up being they're just just the
right people at the right time. I love this text.
Texts reads Forty years ago, I read a piece of

(53:53):
graffiti on a toilet door as you do, and the
graffiti read this, in order to love others, one must
love themselves first to love others. It's pretty profound for
a toilet door, it is.

Speaker 4 (54:09):
Yeah, I don't make them other used.

Speaker 3 (54:12):
To some different things running on the toilet doors, and
here I sit broken hearted.

Speaker 2 (54:19):
Remember that one.

Speaker 4 (54:22):
I'm not sure we could repeat.

Speaker 2 (54:23):
The rest of that.

Speaker 3 (54:24):
I'm not allowed to on this is that's a whole
different different I'm not doing student television anymore.

Speaker 4 (54:30):
No, you're not. It's a great idea, and I wholeheartedly
support it. I always say though, that the flip side
of that is that and this is where the paradox happens.
Is it Actually how we learn to love ourselves is
by being loved in relationships. So that's the loop, right,
So yes, if you're struggling in relationship, is a really
good idea to take a bit of time to be single,

(54:52):
to see a therapist to kind of, you know, really
get to get to grips with your side of the
street that needs perhaps a bit of attention. But ultimately
where we find the way through that is by allowing
ourselves to be loved.

Speaker 3 (55:08):
This is another great one that's just coming hot off
the text machine that says this from Bob. Bob says,
and this was to David, and says David. There is
no rule that states others must like us, but it
helps us.

Speaker 2 (55:21):
If we like ourselves nice much on the same vein.

Speaker 3 (55:25):
Okay, let's go to the lines. Helena, good morning to you.

Speaker 13 (55:29):
Hi.

Speaker 15 (55:31):
I'm fine, good morning, but please being very sick. I've
got this horrible virus.

Speaker 3 (55:36):
Then I'm sorry to hear that.

Speaker 15 (55:38):
I can't walk. I can't tell me about it. What
I usually say is I demand respect, not contempt, fair.

Speaker 3 (55:50):
Enough And how does that?

Speaker 2 (55:52):
How does that work out? How does that work out
for you?

Speaker 15 (55:54):
Do I make myself clear?

Speaker 3 (55:58):
Yeah, well you're making yourself clear to me? But does
how does that go with other people?

Speaker 15 (56:03):
All Right? You know, I'll tell you an instance. I'll
be in the hospital a couple of times. Anyway, I
won't keep this. This man came in and as a
language with atrocious and he kept saying, is that you?
And he said to me you that, I said, hey,
don't you yet? Language hear and loses me in quiet

(56:26):
and I mean every word I you don't use that
language and ear, so stop it.

Speaker 3 (56:31):
Well, that's that's creating clear boundaries. Hell on us see perfect,
that's that's establishing a good, good boundary for a healthy relationship.

Speaker 15 (56:39):
I want to get into trouble one day with my mouth.

Speaker 3 (56:42):
Well look, you're not getting in trouble on here. And
that's a good thing, because if you get yourself into trouble,
what actually the end ends up happening is I get
into trouble and then the people who work the office
here in the day they see me an email telling
me off, and it's I'll tell you what, Helen. It
just spirals out of control very quickly, and then I
don't get invited to the Christmas party.

Speaker 15 (57:02):
I'll leave you with this. You just take this on board.
I was hurt be for someone I made. I did
rose pork and I won't go on. But anyway, and
this someone got on me and I said, you don't
know what it's been blind until you're there. And I said,
my sister, talk with this. Just take them. Why are
you going to here an orgasm on the moon.

Speaker 3 (57:23):
Then I did, good on you, Helena, thank you for
the call. Okay, well I didn't think that was going
to come out of her mouth, but it did.

Speaker 8 (57:36):
There you go.

Speaker 2 (57:37):
You see, you never know what's going to happen to you.

Speaker 3 (57:40):
Uh, here's a quick one for you can't. It'd be
great to hear your thoughts on how money can have
an effect on relationships and how he can combat this problem,
because I feel like it's quite a common problem in
all relationships.

Speaker 2 (57:52):
Cheers.

Speaker 4 (57:53):
Well, I mean, there's lots of ways to look at that.

Speaker 2 (57:55):
I mean, and.

Speaker 4 (57:58):
It would be good to understand a bit more about
whether what the specific specifics of that is. But what
comes to mind for me is it just actually comes
back to communication. Yeah, you know, so the stereotypical, sort
of tricky situation of how do you divide up the
restaurant bill? Right, have a clear conversation at the beginning,

(58:18):
and if people are funny about money, then it's actually
something that actually you might need to raise with them.
And what I call it call a meta conversation or
strike when the iron's cold is hey, I've noticed when
we kind of hang out kind of I always feel
a bit kind of let down, like money kind of
gets in the way because you know, it's kind of
hard to have those conversations with you. Do you struggle
to talk about money? You know, actually just be direct

(58:39):
because actually it's important that we can have those conversations
and figure those things out.

Speaker 3 (58:44):
One of the things which are actually in my day job.
At one point we were talking about relationships and money.
I was working in that world of financial education, and
one of the most important things that which we'd learned
was actually, when you're in a relationship, you've got to
make sure that you're on the same page. You have
a clear contract. Yeah, be really open about it yea.

(59:06):
And often it's where things can go really bad is
if you don't have that conversation, and the longer you
leave not having the conversation, the worse it gets because.

Speaker 4 (59:14):
In the absence of the information, what do we do.
We inject our own meaning and make assumptions.

Speaker 3 (59:19):
Correct and then that's where it all goes really wrong.
Apparently that's a big thing for retirement. Oh yeah, talk
about what you.

Speaker 6 (59:27):
Want to do.

Speaker 3 (59:28):
What does retirement look like for you? You know, if
that's in the relationship of having a partner. Because if
one person says, oh, I want to buy a little
batshof in you little house out in the country somewhere
where you know, walking distance to go fishing, and that's certain,
the other person says, well, I don't want that, and
I want to be like, you know, living somewhere busy

(59:48):
and you know, going going out and for dinner three
four nights a week, and you've got a problem and
you don't want to leave it till the end to
be able to get to that problem. So anyway, okay,
welcome back to the Nutthers Club. We got a few

(01:00:09):
calls to get to and people have been very, very
patient on the lines. So I'm going to go to Lola, Lola,
good morning to you.

Speaker 7 (01:00:18):
Yes, good morning to Kyle, and Yeah and Hamish Hello.
I've never run here before, but Sue comes on usually
after midnight, and she has lots of topics to talk
about and contributes a lot to everybody. Back tonight, when

(01:00:38):
she hit on relationships, she it was like a bomb
hit me and I thought, oh, when my mother died
when I was three, and I was just passed around
families and looked after, and you were never part of
any family, and.

Speaker 8 (01:00:57):
You never got to talk with people.

Speaker 7 (01:01:00):
And when I was five, when I was at my
grandma's house, children were to be seen and not heard.
And so through life you don't get to talk to people,
You don't learn to converse with people.

Speaker 5 (01:01:14):
And I've always struggled with.

Speaker 7 (01:01:17):
Conversations and you know, making conversation with people. To me,
it's been like idle chatter. And you know, when you
don't have the ability to converse, like getting into conversations
with people, everything was like, it's just very difficult. When

(01:01:45):
my husband had he had a stroke and he had
a piece of paper that was given him by one
of the social workers, and it had all these phrases,
and somehow it got lost. And I looked at all
these things and I thought there were all simple things
to help you to converse with people. But you know,

(01:02:07):
I mean, perhaps my father remarried when I was eleven,
but I never even really had a relationship with him
because he was never there and because I was always
somewhere else, and until I was eleven, I didn't really

(01:02:30):
have lived with him much. And so you're always being
looked after by other people, and they cared about you,
but they were busy, they had their own families, and
you know, I mean, the thing is when Sue said

(01:02:53):
about believing in yourself and having a relationship, and I
suddenly realized I've never really had a relationship, and there
must be other people who are in the same situation
where they have lost had those family you know, well,
I've had family, but all the others belong to other people,

(01:03:16):
you know. I mean, do you get where I'm coming from.

Speaker 3 (01:03:19):
Yeah, I hear what you're saying there. It's look at
it is tough when you go through, you know, having
that those parental losses at a young age, and how
you form relationships obviously changes quite quite significantly.

Speaker 2 (01:03:36):
But it's not to say that, you know, like you.

Speaker 3 (01:03:38):
Said, your people aren't caring, but it's it's going to
be different, right, because it's not not that same thing.
But in terms of you know, saying you know you've
never had that, that relationship is like, I'm sure that
you may have. It's just been probably for you it's
been different.

Speaker 7 (01:03:57):
It has it has been you know, to me, I've
muddled and struggled through life. I've had four children and
a wonderful husband and who cared about you very much.
He loved me so much. But you know, I mean,
and I looked after everybody else. And yeah, but my

(01:04:24):
daughter said to me that we should have been in
the ministry because I was very into helping people and
health and everything, and my husband was he was a
Bible class teacher when he was a teenager. And my daughter,

(01:04:48):
who's heavily religious, just said, we should have been in
the ministry because we could have done a lot to
help other people, and that would have helped me as well,
because you're dealing with other people, which I which I
have been doing, you know, I mean have been helping
families and help a babysitting and all sorts of things.

(01:05:13):
Two families, I was with them for ten and eleven years.
That took up twenty one years, and then I went
on to two other families at the same time. And
so I've always been in the part of helping other families.
It's like the two latest ones were like solos, and.

Speaker 8 (01:05:37):
So I was always.

Speaker 7 (01:05:38):
There and able to help when they needed needed someone.
And so yeah, I've been happy and all that. But
when Sue said about relationships, and I thought, you know, really,
I just came to the conclusion that I didn't really

(01:06:04):
have proper relationships because I didn't know how to build
three conversations.

Speaker 3 (01:06:10):
Yeah, well, look, it sounds to Mela like, you know,
you have had some great relationships.

Speaker 2 (01:06:15):
They've just been they've been different.

Speaker 3 (01:06:17):
And I think the fact that you know you've had
like you said, you had a great husband. Well, that's
that's clearly a wonderful relationship. And I would say that
probably you know, don't know the guy, but you had
a great relationship because he saw the good and you,
he saw the value and the love from you. And
the fact that you've been able to go and do

(01:06:39):
the kind of work that you've done and have. You know,
like you said, ten years, eleven years, that comes down
to you and your ability to actually have those caring,
nurturing relationships. So I think it's different. Yeah, absolutely, and
it might feel different, but from everything that you've shared
with us tonight, I would say you're actually quite awesome

(01:07:00):
had it.

Speaker 4 (01:07:02):
Yeah, I would agree. And it also just really highlights
how sometimes when we don't get the lessons experientially that
we need in childhood, then we're playing catch up, which
also makes it hard, like I guess, like you're saying,
Hamershi can some place make it hard to know whether
or not we're even kind of having a relationship the

(01:07:23):
way that other people do, because I think when we've
had those secure, consistent attachment relationships growing up, it cannot
often feel for people that relationships just sort of happen.
They don't require the degree of work. The good news
is that what happens over times when we practice something,
it gets easier.

Speaker 3 (01:07:43):
Lola, thank you so much for your call tonight, and
appreciate you calling us for a first time as well.
So yeah, awesome, really nice to hear. Don't make it the
last time. I really enjoyed your insights, Neil, Good morning
to you.

Speaker 8 (01:07:55):
Good morning to you, shir Are you sure? Programs coming
to an end? And I've got something that's happened that's
really nice. But prior to that, I listened with great
care to people who struggle, who struggled and had bad,

(01:08:16):
unfortunate and even nasty things happened to them, and I'm
so dreadfully sorry. But I say to them, as I've
said before, You've come out of it, and that the
finest steel has endured, the fairness, and it makes you
a better person, that's what I think, than a stronger person. Well,

(01:08:40):
here's my little story. I was just going round the corner.
I once a day I go around the block on
my mobility scooter and I was just nicely around the
corner and a car came backwards out the driveway and
bumped me. I was a bit shaken, but I wasn't there,

(01:09:00):
and the lady jumped out. She was very very distressed.

Speaker 3 (01:09:06):
Hello, yeah, no, I'm just listening to you, all right.

Speaker 8 (01:09:09):
She was very very distressed, and like Terry had, and
I kept saying I'm all right, I'm all right, and
because I'm pretty old and that, you know, and she
was ever so upset. Where you live? I sell just
round the corner there, and she says, leave your mobility
here and we'll just go to your house because I

(01:09:32):
told her that man was there. So she came, and
she was ever so upset, and she spoke to ma'm
and says she how terribly sorry she was and she
realized she should have been more careful backing house. And
so in we came and all like that, and Mam says,
I'll make a cup of tea, Neil, and you go

(01:09:53):
and have a lay down. And I said, I'm all right.
She's yeah, but you're a bit shaken. So that was that.
So man brought me a cup of tea and had
me lay down and door stop and then I woke
up and went for her, and they're the way on
the settee absolutely joined their heads off and they are

(01:10:15):
the best of friends. And we have a new friend.

Speaker 3 (01:10:19):
I am really happy to hear that, Neil. That's a
wonderful story. And it just kind of it shows how
even now the most unlikely of circumstances, we can still
find connection with others.

Speaker 8 (01:10:32):
And it was so I won't go on long, so
I know he comes to the end. And they've got
such a relationship between them in those couple of hours
and shared such a lot. Ma'am said it would like
another cup of tea, Dad, now you've had your sleep.

(01:10:53):
I says, yes, please, and she jumped U says all right,
I'll make it. And if she went to the kitchen
and made me a cup of tea, and they're seeing
each other again and they're just best friends. And I
think it's wonderful.

Speaker 3 (01:11:08):
Well, it shows when we have, you know, an open attitude,
anything as possible.

Speaker 8 (01:11:15):
Yeah. So anyway, it's not the most interesting story in
the world, but I just.

Speaker 2 (01:11:23):
It's lovely.

Speaker 4 (01:11:24):
Thank you for sharing it. Maybe maybe you should crash
it to people more often.

Speaker 8 (01:11:31):
Me, God, bless you both.

Speaker 3 (01:11:33):
Thank you. That's that's great, that's fantastic. Look, you never
know we're going to meet somebody. Absolutely, Yeah, anything can happen,
and it probably will. We've got time for another call,
I do jay. I'm going to sneak you in here
in the last call of the show.

Speaker 2 (01:11:50):
Good morning to you, fantastic.

Speaker 11 (01:11:54):
Enjoy the amazing tonight. I listen never a Sunday night.
I just love hearing people sharing. I'd just like to
share very quickly. I lost my dad to a treble
fast bathing cancer when I was only three. Mammos wack
and I got there and helped you a lot. But
I thought, rather than staying home fing sad and miserable,

(01:12:16):
I used to go out and link up other people,
all the kids, and drop into other neighbors. And through
that I vent the skill of talking to people. And
through my life I was just ten seventy the last
half an hour, oh cuarancy. Yeah. And so what I've

(01:12:38):
learned is that I'm a man of faith, and I've
got to really love for garden people. And every day
I pray that I'll meet somebody when I go out,
and it happens nearly every single day, and I go
out to make someone else's day, and it means you
get your eyes of yourself and by having a good,

(01:12:58):
healthier self esteem. I'm able to get them talking and
being friendly and talking and they love it when you're stilled.
My teaching good eye contact, and I've met so many
new people as a result over the last couple of years.
Especially that to me, that's a big thing. If you
go out a good possible atitude to make someone else's day,

(01:13:20):
that brings a real peace in your heart. And it
just happens. Actually, you know you're enriching somebody else, but
you get enrich yourself when you bless somebody else and generous,
if you're you're your friendiness, it comes back into you
and it brightens your day and it helps fighting loneliness
because as people get older's a lot of lonely people

(01:13:41):
around our country. And I go out and I'm making
more and more people early peoplecial early men, and I've
got all the new contacts now and they ring me
up and having cuts the tea and I'm just enjoying
just giving me out and talking to people straight up.
As you talk about tonight, I think one of the
greatest things we needed to learn the school of what

(01:14:03):
I call faith to faith, and when you do face
to faith sharing that you can kind of share more
yourself and get opening up about themselves. And therefore you're
not just talking about the weather, but you start to
really connect and connection you're both you're feeling what a
neat time that you've been. I make brand new people

(01:14:25):
nearly every day.

Speaker 3 (01:14:27):
And here's to think, j You're you're making the effort.
You're making the effort to you know, create those new
relationships to actually get out there and talk to people.
When we make the effort in life, it's a funny
thing life sort of starts making a bit of effort
back for us, because ultimately, people like someone who comes

(01:14:48):
up and starts having a chat, don't ever be fooled
into thinking that others don't. Honestly, if you walk up
to someone and they don't want to have a chat
to you're probably better off. Like seriously, it's not.

Speaker 4 (01:14:57):
And everybody likes someone who's interested in them ask questions.

Speaker 3 (01:15:02):
Yeah, absolutely, Jay, I've got I've got to leave it there,
but lovely to hear from you or thanks guys, go
well Jay, Yeah, so that's it's a lovely note to
finish on it. It is a wonderful note to finish on.
And I just wanted to say before we have to
end the show, thank you to everybody for your calls

(01:15:23):
for your texts. We've really explored this topic tonight, really
really well, and I think the conclusion that we can
all come to is that relationships are tricky. They are hard,
but when we put in the effort and we get
it to a place where it can work well for
both or all involved, it's a really wonderful place for
us to be in an excellent way for us to

(01:15:45):
preserve our mental health.

Speaker 4 (01:15:47):
It is worth it.

Speaker 3 (01:15:49):
That's it for this episode of The Nutters Club, thanks
to psychotherapist Carl McDonald as well as our amazing callers
and those awesome texts. If you liked what you heard
and think it might help someone out there, then please
share this episode on your own channels, all with family
and friends. And if you ever want to be part
of the show then you can give us a call

(01:16:10):
or text when we broadcast live on News Talk SeeDB
eleven pm Sunday nights, New Zealand standard time. Check out
Newstalk SHDB dot co dot nz for local frequencies or
a link to the live stream. A big thanks to
New Zealand on Air for their ongoing support and making
the show. Take care and always remember that the world's

(01:16:30):
a better place with you in it.

Speaker 1 (01:16:33):
For more from News Talk sid B, listen live on
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