November 23, 2024 • 38 mins
With the year drawing to a close, teenagers are finishing up with school and leaving home.
Holly Brooker joins to discuss how parents can best support their children through the transition, and when it's time to give them a gentle nudge.
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talks
at b.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Uber Jamaica jat b Off Flgy. There's a please call
(00:33):
c Como. That's where you are.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
Go by.
Speaker 4 (00:51):
Yes, welcome back to the show. This is the Weekend Collective.
I'm Tim Beverage. Pipe you what the way if you've
missed any of our previous hours with Joe McCarroll and
Paul Sperley on for the panel, and our guest for
one roof was Ashley Church talking about the best methods
of self for your for your house. So if you're
if you're in that stage of looking to buy or
sell and you're thinking about what methods attract you the most,
(01:13):
then go and check out our podcast. Do you look
for the Weekend Collective on the News Talks he'd be
or iHeart Radio. But right now it is time for
the Parent Squad and my guest is well, she's from
the parenting place, but she's also a parent, a mum,
and her name is Holly Brooker. Good day, Holly, how
are you going?
Speaker 5 (01:31):
I'm good? Thank you, Yeah, I'm very happy to be here.
Speaker 4 (01:33):
That's good.
Speaker 5 (01:34):
What's been keeping out of dinner duty tonight?
Speaker 6 (01:36):
Oh? Did you really want my husband using Surrey on
the way here and I said, you're on dinner?
Speaker 4 (01:42):
Is that to say you're on dinner? There's no discussion.
You don't tell him what he has to do.
Speaker 5 (01:47):
He's a grown man.
Speaker 4 (01:51):
Yes, that is a very good that's a very good point.
Speaker 5 (01:54):
I don't know what I'll come home to, but I
don't care.
Speaker 4 (01:56):
No, that's good. Well, maybe he's just got the Ubertes going.
I don't know, but I know nothing about your husband,
so he could be someone who's absolutely outraged because he's
got the roast lamb on and the potatoes and everything.
Speaker 5 (02:05):
Is totally no, that won't be happening.
Speaker 4 (02:08):
One of the things I actually just wanted to kick
off the conversation. We're going to move on to talking
about just to do with posting kids online and your
children's relationship with their screens, but one of the questions
gets popped up during the course of the week. It
was just about kids staying at home longer. Have you
thought about and it's not so much discussed discussing empty
(02:30):
nest syndrome, but it's an interesting thing looking ahead. My
kids are only what twelve and thirteen, and the thing
that's occurred to me, is that how quickly time passes
as a parent, and it still feels like we've got
a lot of time with our kids, But in reality,
if my eldest daughter decides she's off to university in
(02:52):
a different town, we've only got four and a bit
more years with her, which is crazy, just really shocking
your kids. You've got a couple of children.
Speaker 6 (03:01):
Yeah, my oldest is coming up thirteen and he starts
high school next year, and my husband and I are
on this full band megan about we've only got five
years left with him, and it's pretty freaky. And yeah,
there's definitely this sense of, like I've said to the kids,
when you turn eighteen, mean dad, off we're going overseas.
But I don't know if that's really going to happen,
but that's the dream.
Speaker 4 (03:20):
Well it's a scary thought, isn't it. And it just
made me ask that question as to how long I
would think was healthy for my kids to stay living
at home because it's so expensive to rent. So if
you want them to buy a house, you want them
to save, you also want them to sort of be
growing up in being in a situation where maybe they
(03:42):
need to have some independence, but I can understand why
a lot of kids do stay at home. How long
can you imagine that you might put up with yours
and not that you might have thought about it.
Speaker 5 (03:51):
We had thought about it, and we've talked about it.
Speaker 6 (03:53):
Yeah, it's a funny one because we're really trying to
raise our kids to become really you know, independent adult
people so that they can fit for themselves. My son
might be living home in five years, and I'd like
to think that he that he could be able to
sort himself out. But you're right that a lot of
kids are staying at home longer now because of the
cost of living and house prices are out of control,
and so are rental prices. But you know, me and
(04:16):
my husband, we left home at eighteen and got a
flat and did our own thing, So there's a real,
you know, for us, an ideal would like it's pretty
cool that we were young and we forged our own
path and we were independent, but things are quite different now,
so it will be an interesting one to navigate.
Speaker 4 (04:30):
How long do you think would be too long?
Speaker 6 (04:32):
I would like to think that by twenty that they're
doing their own thing, because I think there's a real
even though, you know, financially there's benefit for them to
be at home.
Speaker 5 (04:40):
I like the idea of them, you know, sorting life.
Speaker 6 (04:43):
Out themselves and for you know, managing a budget going
without you know, it was tough for me renting and
I had to work my butt off and it was
good for me. I developed great resilience, you know, I
had to learned to him and manage my money.
Speaker 5 (04:59):
I went without thing.
Speaker 4 (05:00):
Did you were you working straight away? Or did you
I went?
Speaker 6 (05:04):
I we lived in fin to day and I moved
down to Auckland by myself and I studied and I
had it was you know, my family hadn't really gone
to university that I was figuring it all out. And
I also worked part time, so and I had a
student loan. We weren't able to get a student allowance,
so it was tough.
Speaker 4 (05:22):
Were you prepared to had you been prepared.
Speaker 3 (05:27):
For?
Speaker 5 (05:27):
How tough it would be?
Speaker 4 (05:30):
Answered this question? Did you were you prepared by your
parents at all for leaving home? Did you prepare yourself?
And how prepared were you? Three questions?
Speaker 6 (05:39):
Now that I wasn't prepared at all. I just wanted
to do it. I mean I'd always had part time
jobs when I was at high school. But I don't
remember having any conversations about flatting or rinting or paying bills.
Like literally, I was just I just figured it out.
Speaker 4 (05:52):
It's funny, I was. I was reflecting on when I
went to university, and of course the first year I
went to a halls of residents where you know, you
basically you're just going somewhere and you're still getting your
meals and all that sort of thing. But when I
went flatting and my mum gave me a recipe for
meat loaf, I think she probably showed me how to
(06:14):
do a roast, probably which was basically bang it in
the oven. Yeah easy, Yeah, although doing a really really good.
Speaker 5 (06:26):
Run eighteen year old not so much.
Speaker 4 (06:28):
Yeah. At Spaghetti Bologna's I think I had, and she
gave me An Edmund's cookbook, and I consider that there
was probably you know, you find your way, and her
meat lofe was damn good. I can't remember.
Speaker 5 (06:39):
It's amazing that you actually made it. I was a
terrible cook.
Speaker 6 (06:42):
I remember a lot of rice and tuna and frozen
vegetables on the packet. Yeah, it was just I did
not have any cooking skills.
Speaker 4 (06:50):
Well, frozen vegetables. I sort of do riger aren't I
mean that everyone goes for the frozen I don't want
to say what is these days because there are other
brands around when I don't want give him the free advertising.
Speaker 6 (06:59):
No, I mean they probably were too expensive when I
was a student, the fensive ones. Yeah, but I mean
I've had to learn how to cook. Becoming a mum,
you really are a parent. You really get thrown in
the deep end when it comes to culinary skills.
Speaker 4 (07:15):
What would you want what would you want your kids
to leave home with in terms of the basic skills,
because I mean the thing is, with the digital age,
there's so much information you could bombard kids with and
I sometimes think that that's a great tool. But also
I mean literally I had a book which was food
for Flatters. Yeah, and the meals weren't that flash, But
(07:39):
I wasn't bombarded with all the different choices I could
make to optimize my living.
Speaker 5 (07:45):
As the balance, you learn on the way, So you
do learn on the way.
Speaker 6 (07:50):
Yeah, yeah, I mean from a practical perspective, my son
who's twelve, cooks spaghetty billonnais once a week and he
that's his.
Speaker 5 (07:59):
Job and he actually enjoys it, which is pretty cool.
Speaker 6 (08:01):
And I like to think that he can leave home
and he could cook spaghetty billinais that's great.
Speaker 4 (08:05):
I had a flatmate, I think who that's all he
ever cooked because there were five of us. In fact,
you could always guess what you were going to have
for dinner that night because everyone had their pet recipe.
Speaker 5 (08:15):
Yes, and it's great.
Speaker 4 (08:18):
I generally tried to mix it up with two or
three different things, but there was one guy who he
would make. I hope he's not listening, but it was
always mince and spaghetti with mixed herbs thrown. And there
wasn't any tomato. It was just mixed t herbs and
I really it's terrible.
Speaker 6 (08:35):
And you didn't have uber eats back then. I can imagine,
not that you look like your past.
Speaker 4 (08:45):
Uber eats. I don't think it was a twinkle in
anyone's I hesitate to tell you what our food budget
was because that would probably date but it wasn't me.
In fact, I'm not going to tell you because that
probably would date me. My rent in d Needham was
less than fifty bucks, less than fifty bucks a week.
Mind you, there are probably some dives in Wellington where
they're not paying much more because they're literally oh yeah,
(09:07):
I think in fact, Themedan has gone all but corporate
now some of the really popular flats are pretty expensive. Anyway, Look,
we'd love to hear from you about how how long
would you be prepared for your kids to stay at home,
because you know that target might shift as well, because
when they're fifteen, you'll think, okay, like Holly said, twenty
seems enough, but when they hit twenty, you might be
(09:28):
like another year or two, we'll squeez outcause I love
having you around or get out.
Speaker 6 (09:31):
And also like kids mature so differently, yea, So it
kind of depends on the child and personality type.
Speaker 4 (09:38):
So when should kids leave home? But also what preparations
should you make as a parent to help them on
their way or do you think if you've done the
right job through the teenage years, it's literally they just
pack a bag and off they go, and you've done
the job in the five years pre proceeding, which tells
me that's probably the way we should be preparing our kids,
isn't it. So we'll take your course eight hundred and
(09:59):
eighty ten eighty Text nine to nine two. Let's kick
it off with marine. Hello.
Speaker 3 (10:05):
Oh hi, I was having a quiet chuckle about your
subject this afternoon. My husband and I used to say
roll on eighteen and I'm talking twenty odd years ago,
and my boys are now in their forties. They left
time when they were twenty four and twenty seven.
Speaker 4 (10:23):
And did that feel too soon or too late or
about right?
Speaker 3 (10:28):
It was about right, I think, But I did. I
did teach them to cook yep. And I taught them
to wash yep. And I taught them to iron.
Speaker 5 (10:40):
It's good.
Speaker 4 (10:42):
What age did you teach them to iron?
Speaker 3 (10:44):
I was breaking them all as a mother of not
making turning out useless me.
Speaker 4 (10:52):
Oh, that's a hot take on a lot. There are
other moms there. But what age did you teach them
to iron?
Speaker 3 (10:58):
When they were uniche?
Speaker 4 (11:00):
Okay, see that. I'm surprised that that's not a skill
that people can work out for themselves. You switch the
iron on and you sort of rub it over all
the clothes until they're nice and smooth. Well, is there
an act to it?
Speaker 3 (11:14):
There is, Yes, depends on what type of fabrics. You're
only true.
Speaker 4 (11:18):
So yeah, that's good advice. Did you arm them with
different recipes?
Speaker 3 (11:23):
Yes, yes, we have cooking sessions, all kinds of stuff.
Speaker 5 (11:28):
That's cool.
Speaker 4 (11:29):
How did you manage it while they're at home other.
Speaker 3 (11:32):
Than the basics of fag bog and you know, roast chickens.
Speaker 4 (11:36):
I think spec I think the thing is spaghetti bollona.
Sounds like it's a really easy dish to get to do,
very averagely, isn't it.
Speaker 3 (11:43):
No. I taught them to make college outes. I taught
them to make all kinds of stuff. Yeah, really, and
they're all good cooks.
Speaker 4 (11:52):
How did you manage it when they're so? I mean,
I don't want to make any assumptions, but usually young
men who are in the early twenties and relationships and
things like that. Did you have to change did you
have to craft any particular rules just around this our house?
Speaker 3 (12:05):
And you know, no, No, they wanted to them. They
liked Michael Pain and they wanted to be able to
take that with them.
Speaker 4 (12:18):
Were they allowed to have girlfriends around?
Speaker 3 (12:20):
Yeah, and we had lots of their friends around still
then boys? Yeah, yeah, because our house was the closest
to the city, so there was a lot of.
Speaker 4 (12:29):
Oh you had one of those houses? Were you those
cool parents?
Speaker 3 (12:35):
You'd wake up in the morning and every bodies all
over the floor.
Speaker 4 (12:38):
So yeah, the good stuff sounds it sounds good.
Speaker 5 (12:43):
Made it too good for them to leave?
Speaker 4 (12:45):
Well? Possibly? Yeah, I mean I have to be fair
and a self declaration that when I went left school,
went to university, that I I practiced law and at home,
lived at home again for maybe a few months before
I found a flat, and then I went to Australia
for a few years, came back. I guess you pop
in and you might stay for a month until you
found out game better. Yeah, which is probably I mean,
(13:08):
that's I think that's I like to think that's all right.
But we'd like to hear from you. How are you
preparing your kids to leave home? How long is too long?
My guest is Holly Brooker from the Parenting Place. We're
going to get onto other few things about screen time
as well, but we love your calls as to how
you manage the transition from your kids being under your
feet till suddenly they're not there at all. Eight one
(13:29):
hundred eighty text nine nine two. We'll be back in
just a moment twenty past five.
Speaker 7 (13:34):
God give here's tonight. I've had a feeling something right,
I'm so scared of kids? Are phone off my chair
and one get down the stairs, clowns to the letting
me jokers to the raid. Here, I am stuck in
(13:54):
the middle with you. You So I'm stuck in the
middle with you and I one what it is I
should do?
Speaker 3 (14:04):
Ah?
Speaker 7 (14:05):
Do you keep the smile from my face?
Speaker 4 (14:08):
Losing jo All's welcome back to the show. I'm Tim Beverage.
My guest is from the Parenting Place and her name
is Holly Brooker, and we're talking just for the first
part of this hour on the Parent Squad about how
long your kids should stay at home? How long are
you prepared for them to stay at home? But also
how do you prepare them to leave home? Because there
are more and more children. I don't mean children because
(14:31):
sometimes they're adults, but your children, and they never see
you ask any mum and dad there were still your children,
even if they might be growing up. But how do
you plan or prepare them for leaving home? But also
the other rulers. I guess once you get to a
certain age, maybe it's once you're an employable age, you're
no longer at school and you're no longer a student.
Do you make them pay rent board and how much
(14:52):
and how do you set that or do you I
remember having a by the way, I do remember having
a discussion with someone who did charge their son or
daughter or children rent and bored and they charged them
for full whack. And when they went to buy their
first house, they gave them all the money that they'd
put into a bank account. I thought that was pretty awesome. Actually, Holly,
(15:14):
isn't that Isn't that a great?
Speaker 5 (15:15):
Yeah, that's really cool.
Speaker 6 (15:17):
When I left home at eighteen and went to university,
but I would come back home over the summer break
because it's so long, it's about three months. Of course
you do therefore and will, and so I'd work full
time two jobs over the summer, and I would pay
board because yeah, that was just the way my family
did it.
Speaker 5 (15:32):
And then was that.
Speaker 4 (15:34):
Just to cover the food or was there a rent
sort of aspect to that, Like you've got to.
Speaker 6 (15:37):
It was just them teaching me to be responsible with money.
But then my mum actually gave me the money back
at the end of one summer when I brought a
new car. It was a crusty little car or was
it a Sabaru? Justy, It's like a little sewing machine.
Speaker 4 (15:53):
It's a funny name for it's just yeah, justy. I
do remember those. It probably wouldn't have been top of
my list.
Speaker 5 (15:59):
Who it's a terrible little bit. I had dollars.
Speaker 4 (16:03):
I had an old clapped out for escort that was
about tenth hand. It caught fire in me.
Speaker 1 (16:08):
In the end.
Speaker 4 (16:09):
It literally I drove up the driveway and I was like, oh,
something was It was revving a bit funny, it wasn't
quite running, and I was like, and there was a
split in the fuel hose. So when I revved it harder,
it really squirted the fuel out. And then I looked
up and the whole bonnet was on fire. It was
like an F one sort of well a picture was
nothing like an F one incident. A few texts, by
(16:30):
the way, and you're welcome to give us a call
on one hundred and eight ten eighty about how you
prepare your kids to leave home and how long you
would be happy for them to stay here. One person says,
I have four totally different personalities and eight grand children.
To plan a trip when they go to university if
they choose to, is when they need your presence the
(16:51):
most incredibly. What's incredibly selfish into a young adult probably
puts the fear of God into them.
Speaker 5 (16:59):
I'm trying, it's quite selfish. What is leaving when they're eighteen?
Do you know?
Speaker 6 (17:05):
I have heard from you know, appearance older than me,
who have older kids, that have said, your kids actually
need you a lot when they hit eighteen because there's
a lot of adult decisions to navigate and to figure out,
and it's a time that they need you a lot.
Speaker 5 (17:18):
But my mum was always on the phone.
Speaker 6 (17:20):
You know. I lived out of town and went to UNI,
but Mum was always there with the phone call away.
I did used to talk to her regularly, so she
was a great support and I didn't need to be
in her pocket.
Speaker 4 (17:29):
Yeah, I've got a text to you, Tim, your children
never leave. Even when they've left, you'll find out. We
have our two doing their own thing, one still living
while that's at twenty eight a week before Christmas. But
we love it. It's from Terry And another person said
on the cooking front, I just love the title of
the book, but it does sound like a nightmare. Gave
(17:50):
my son a book that said one hundred ways to
cook potatoes.
Speaker 5 (17:54):
That sounds great. I love potatoes.
Speaker 4 (17:55):
Yes, I imagine there must have been some recipes.
Speaker 5 (17:58):
One hundred ways. Knew there would be that many ways
to the potatoes.
Speaker 4 (18:02):
Well, it'll be this. It'll be steak and potatoes, chicken
and potatoes, boiled potatoes, mash them, fishing, brown fishing potatoes,
fish pie.
Speaker 5 (18:14):
I hate pie.
Speaker 4 (18:15):
Oh that's the best thing.
Speaker 5 (18:16):
So bad.
Speaker 4 (18:17):
Hey, there was something else we want to touch on,
but we'd love to hear from you if you've got
some words of advice or some takes on how long
your kids should start at home, but how you prepare
them to leave home as well? Oh, eight hundred eighteen eighty.
Because there's Maria Foy, who is how would you describe
Maria for She's a influencer. A influencer, that's right. She
(18:38):
has stopped posting her kids online, hasn't she, which she
did for quite a while.
Speaker 5 (18:45):
Yeah, she's she's she.
Speaker 6 (18:46):
She's been quite open this week, sharing with The Brady
in New Zealand Sreena Solomon about her her journey as
an influencer and posting her kids online and getting free products,
and how she's now her kids are older. She's stopped
posting photos and images of them and stories about them
because they are a lot more aware of what's you know,
their digital footprint matters. And yeah, it's been quite cool
(19:09):
to have that conversation. I think there's some legislation that's
looking to be passed in America in regards to influencers
earning money based on advertising around their children and whether
their child should be paid for that work. So that's
kind of a big broader picture around you know, if
you're monetizing your child online, should they be allocated to
(19:32):
some financial reward?
Speaker 4 (19:33):
Well? Should they be? Should it even need to be
legislated because it's almost like that example we gave of
kids living at home paying board and mums and dads
maybe actually kept putting that money to one side and
giving it back to them. But I don't think I
would be comfortable monetizing something to do with my kids
(19:54):
and not given them a slice of the action.
Speaker 6 (19:57):
Yeah, I mean, I guess there's so many influencers online
that get a lot of money from the work that
they do, and it's you know, a legitimate kind of
marketing advertising revenue stream now, So the idea that we
might be promoting our child and publicizing them online with
opening toys and you know products, should they get a
(20:17):
cup from there? I think you're right that as a parent,
we would need to make the judgment call there. My
daughter did a little bit of modeling when she was one,
so it wasn't really modeling. It was just like flopping
around in a onesie trying to contain a one year old.
But I remember, you know, trying to figure out how
do I do the money thing, because this is kind
of weird that if I'm earning money based on my
(20:41):
daughter's work, shouldn't she be entitled to that? But she's
one and I've got groceries to pay.
Speaker 4 (20:46):
I don't feel it's that complex that one. I sort
of think. I think it's it is a funny one
as to when you should stop sharing anything about your
kids on social media, because there's the issue of consent
and stuff, and I sort of feel I.
Speaker 5 (20:58):
Think that's the bigger conversation. For sure.
Speaker 4 (21:01):
I can imagine there'll be people listening going, oh, for
goodness sake, consent and all that sort of stuff. But
I there is there is a time when they are
identify as there, they're their own people, and when a
kid looks like Winston Churchill as they all do when
they're babies. It seems fairly harmless because really, that child
(21:23):
you see mealing and puking and rolling in the onesie
at the age of six months or even a year
is not going to have any resemblance really to the
to the kid that is at school with their own
social circle and friends and even preschool. I don't know
what that cut off is, but it doesn't post a
photo of their gorgeous baby face and all.
Speaker 6 (21:45):
Absolutely, yeah, I think that you know it is. We're
very proud when we when we have our baby, and
you know, we want to show them off and show
them to our friends. But there comes a point where
you could gets a bit older and you start to realize, oh,
I should actually consider what I'm posting about my child
and the stories of their tantrums and the supermarket. Maybe
that's not an ideal. This is not the ideal platform
(22:06):
to be talking about these things. I remember having a
bit of a wake up for myself. I shared on
social media many many years ago, and my son was younger,
a really embarrassing story about something that he had done,
and a few years later it seemed harmless. At the time,
it was just funny because I thought it was a
hilarious situation. Say it and I want to tell you
(22:28):
because it was so freaking good. It was so funny.
And a few years later, a kid that he knows,
I know, a wider friend circle who's his age, mentioned
the thing that I had posted about because his mum
had obviously showed him at the time and the video
or the photo whatever it was, and it had ached
in his mind and he raised it. And my son
(22:49):
was kind of like, huh, how does he know about that?
And I was like, shoot, that was confronting for me
and really.
Speaker 4 (22:57):
Cross with you. Ah, did you take it down?
Speaker 6 (23:01):
It was it was many years before, and I but
I but I, you know, it was straight up with him,
and I said, look the thing. You know when that happened,
I shared it on social media with my friends.
Speaker 5 (23:10):
I'm really sorry.
Speaker 6 (23:11):
I didn't know that she would show it to her son.
I regret that. I don't share things about you now.
So it was a good wake up call.
Speaker 4 (23:20):
Yeah, that's interesting. I haven't Actually, I'm just thinking the
videos that I've got of my girls when they're tiny,
and there's one when my daughter is she can't she's
at the age she can't speak. She says that that
that that that, And she's just talking gibberish to my
wife and going to help her sweep up some leaves,
and she just, instead of sweeping them up, she redisperses
them across the drive. It's very funny and cute. I
(23:43):
think she's seen it. She goes, Oh, that's cute, so
it's not embarrassing. Yeah, yeah, so I'm okay.
Speaker 6 (23:47):
This one was very embarrassing. It was a total parent
fail on my behalf. Shouldn't have done it.
Speaker 4 (23:53):
Well, good on you. Hey, let's take some more call.
You can give us a call about that on eight
hundred eighty ten eighty. At what age and what can
you share with your kids? And when should you actually
get their permit? I hate the word consent because it
just sounds a little bit sort of virtue signaling. So
let's say, when should you get you kids permission to
post something? That's a bit better, isn't it?
Speaker 5 (24:13):
Yeah?
Speaker 6 (24:13):
I think that's that's great, And I think it's a
really important thing for our kids to learn in regards
to when they're older and sharing photos of their friends.
We do want them to learn to you know, hey,
is it okay if I put this on Snapchat or
yeah whatever.
Speaker 4 (24:25):
Okay, all that chances are if they've posed for the
for selfie, there's an implied contract with your friends that
they know it might end up on Instagram.
Speaker 6 (24:33):
Possibly, But are their photos that you're that your child
saking of them, not posing?
Speaker 4 (24:37):
Ah? Good point, right, Let's let's get take some more calls.
I wait one hundred and eighty ten eighteen text on
nine two nine two Ralph GOODA.
Speaker 8 (24:47):
Yeah, just sort of a kind a couple of observations.
So I'm a six Yeah, So I grew up in
KaiA when we were yeah, and a lot of my
friends and some of my family and so forth. You know,
we left school at fort been sixteen years old, then
(25:08):
not leaving until they're eighteen or waiver, and you know,
sixteen years old, a lot of my sort of friends
were backing and working. But nowadays can seem just that
tip an observation that I've made. So I was born
(25:30):
before the era of the concept of pool. So all
the families in my rown had four or five or
six kids, so we all kind of learned. I think,
because you come from a big family, you learned to
work together. But my son an only child, which is
(25:51):
not too unusual these days. And he was living in
christ So I live in Auckland, so I used to
go down and visit him, and you know, I can't
stay in there flat or whatever. And I noticed everyone
on the blinket track or what have not, that there
was a lot of people. Everyone cooked their own blinking meals,
(26:13):
so they'd be cooking two or three separate.
Speaker 4 (26:15):
So well, no one was cooking for each other. They
went during the communal thing.
Speaker 3 (26:20):
Yes, I think actually that's probably.
Speaker 4 (26:23):
Quite common these days, I imagine, because everyone's got their
own That's sort of a shame, isn't it. Ralph.
Speaker 8 (26:29):
Yeah, I thought it was you that were saying that
you had black guys in the platin and someoneunder the
smoke pile, and someone did's beginning by Nat and you
all knew what was happening, and so you shared it out.
You work together like a team.
Speaker 4 (26:43):
Actually, yeah, I mean, I've just realized that probably that's
quite rare these days, that everyone has their own meals
they cooked for themselves, and they're all minding their own budgets.
Speaker 8 (26:54):
And yeah, that's everyone's kind of sort of all sort
of health conscious, burn conscious, and everyone's sort of cooking
their own. We'd meals or whatever. And when like when
when we were young, it was meeting three beds, you know,
and and and everyone, or as it was spaghetti bolonnais.
(27:15):
But that was about it. And I just noticed that
the culture because we all came from well my age,
we only had four or five or six kids in
our family, so that the kids these ages, it's all
one or two child families. It's really changed our culture
and it's changed the framing culture.
Speaker 4 (27:35):
Yeah, that's almost it's almost a separate conversation just as
to how we how well we live together with people
and young people. But yeah, that's does it does seem
a bit of a shame. Thanks Ralph, It does seem
bit of a shame. Sorry.
Speaker 8 (27:48):
It was just common for us out to leave home
sixteen years old. We were training, yeah, sixteen years old.
Speaker 4 (27:58):
And also I guess with Ralph, when you're coming from
larger families is more siblings sitting the example of the
sort of stuff. And to be honest, I was the
youngest four boys. So by the time I left home,
I think my mum had the sort of recipe this
is what I send you out into the world with
and where you go. Did you were you were in
a flatting situation, actually, I mean with people who cook
their own meals or did they share?
Speaker 8 (28:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (28:19):
Actually, when I left home at eighteen, I went to
a flat in Albany because I went to Massy for
the first year, and we did it, actually cook our
own meals.
Speaker 4 (28:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (28:28):
Later on I had a flat in gray Lynn and
we cooked together.
Speaker 4 (28:32):
Because these days I can imagine, you know, there'd be
some people like, oh, I really have to have a
keen Wi salad on Tuesdays.
Speaker 5 (28:38):
Cab free or I'm gluten free.
Speaker 4 (28:40):
Intermittent fasting and such a Yeah. I wonder how many
flat mates actually these days at university, wonder how many
flats there are where they all cook communally, like it's
my turn Monday. Well, we were lucky, there were five
of us. So what do we do? We had Sunday night.
Somebody did the Sunday Night race. It was Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
Friday and Saturday. You do your own thing. But I
(29:03):
suddenly realized that was probably quite rare.
Speaker 6 (29:05):
But you know what, just thinking about that and thinking
about phones, we would we hung out so much as Batmtes,
whereas now I can imagine everyone's on their phones.
Speaker 4 (29:16):
Spot we're still in the same room together.
Speaker 5 (29:19):
Yeah, yeah, I have been Yeah, things are quite different.
Speaker 4 (29:22):
They are different. I have been guilty of Once. I
was trying to call out downstairs to my daughter and
she wasn't answering, so I just phoned her. I found
her from upstairs and it's just like hello, and I
was like, oh gosh. Anyway, hey, look, we take a
quick moment. We also want to talk about continue the
conversation about just what you can post of your kids
online and in what circumstances or what age you should
(29:44):
be getting their permission, and what the rules you are
setting around that. We'll have a discussion with Holly a
bit about that, And that's on the in the wake
of influencer Maria Foy, who well, to be honest, cynically,
you could say she did quite well out of posting
on her her kids, and I've all decided now that
she won't. But maybe the fortune has been made if
I was going to be cynical. But that's probably a
(30:04):
little harsh, isn't it. But when do you think it's
okay to post about your kids? Give us a call
one night ten eighty text two back in the mo.
Speaker 3 (30:18):
Way this out back in sixty three.
Speaker 4 (30:36):
Yes, welcome back to news Talks here. B Gosh, time
flies when you're having fun. It's so already seventeen minutes
to six. Don't forget what the sports rap with Dean.
Dean Midlachlan will be joining us to chat about a
couple of things on the sport front before we wrap up.
But right now, Holly Brooker from The Parenting Places with
us about the age that you share things of your kids,
(30:58):
And look, I don't know what my rule would have been,
because we just organically made a decision that there's just
stuff we don't share. If it's a skiing photo or
holiday photo. We're all smiling and they're posed for it.
I think implicitly this sort of feels like that's sort
of okay. But I've actually don't think I've ever had
that conversation with them. Do you have that conversation with
your kids about whether you share something or is it
(31:18):
sort of works itself out, because hey, look we're all
at Christmas, We're having a family photo, they're all smiling,
and I don't think i'd ask if I could put
that up. I don't know if I'm to be honest,
I don't know if I bother sharing it either.
Speaker 6 (31:30):
Yeah, well, depends on how you use social media. So
for someone like me that does use social media for
work and you know, you know, in the.
Speaker 5 (31:40):
Media, sometimes I am.
Speaker 6 (31:42):
I have made a point of asking my kids, particularly
because my daughter went through a stage when she was seven.
I think we've been in a couple of magazine stories
or something until she'd started to understand that, oh, people
can see photos of me, and she started she went
to this phase where she, if I took a photo,
should say I don't want you to put that on
social media, and I would say, no, I'm not going
to put it on social media. But she became quite
(32:04):
worried about other people seeing her photo. And so that
what that did for us was it just meant that
when I don't post my kids online at all. But
I also work in advocacy around online safety, so definitely
I have a you know.
Speaker 4 (32:19):
Chaining into it.
Speaker 6 (32:20):
Yeah, but I think it's also important that you know,
our kids get a bit older and we need to
be respectful of them as individuals and the digital footprints
important and things have changed even in the last five.
Speaker 5 (32:31):
Years in terms of the online space.
Speaker 6 (32:33):
So it's quite different posting a phoon of your baby
than it is posting a photo of your you know,
five or six year old having attention, or your eight
year old whatever.
Speaker 4 (32:42):
Actually, I would never be interested in posting that, actually,
because I do host a parenting show every week, and
I don't think I've actually had a conversation with them directly,
but I try. And if I'm talking about a parenting issue,
I won't identify if there's a particular daughter, but I
might just say one daughter asks me such and such.
And it is funny because I'm constant navigating that maybe
(33:04):
I should go in and have a conversation with them
and say what can I talk about? Limit my job
a little bit.
Speaker 5 (33:11):
But yeah, totally, Yeah, that is a tricky one.
Speaker 4 (33:13):
Yeah, my kids are five and eight, this text says,
and I've never shared a photo of either of them
on social media. It's weird. Just have a chat group.
The rest of the world don't need to see it.
That is one thing actually, where things like WhatsApp, I
guess and.
Speaker 6 (33:28):
Yeah, family chat groups quite different from posting about your
kids on Instagram. Some people, you know, influencers are prolific
at posting their kids online some influencers and they're fine
with that, and some people are more cautious about posting
their kids online and maybe keep it to a family chat.
So I think it really comes down to you. You
(33:49):
know your values, I guess your understanding of what's happening online,
and I guess asking some hard questions about you know,
how is my child going to feel about this in
a couple of years when they're a bit older.
Speaker 4 (34:00):
Yeah, at what age would you? Actually there's also a
question abouts you can have a conversation with them, because,
let's face it, a five or six year old, it's
quite impressionable as to what mum or dad wants, absolutely
and they don't really understand what it's all about.
Speaker 6 (34:16):
We're the adult and we're going to make those decisions.
But for you, Tom, you've worked in media for a
long time, so you probably have a quiet in depth
understanding around how much works a long time.
Speaker 4 (34:30):
I think I'm still working it out. So did you
ever have a particular have you ever had particular conversations
or was it something that your kids brought up when
they became sort of a bit more aware and had
their own phones. No social friends or on group something.
Speaker 6 (34:46):
No, I mean I think that I'm just I've always
taken quite a cautious approach because I want to make
sure that my kids are kept safe online and I
don't want to overshare. You know, I shared it at
that story earlier when I totally overshared with my son
was like three or something, And since then I haven't
been sharing my kids at all because I just tend
to be a bit more cautious in that regard. But
(35:09):
in terms of there was that time when my daughter
but did become quite worried about having her photo shared publicly,
and that is I kind of fell into these conversations
because of that. You know, I said that we were
in a magazine photo shoot, and since then I've done
a few different kind of magazine things and I've had
a chat with her about it. Do you want to
be in this, this is what it's going to involve,
(35:30):
this is how long it will be, you know, in
print for and kind of given her a bit of
power because I do care about her opinion on that.
Speaker 4 (35:40):
It's and to be fair, you know, we've all become
a bit more cognizant about about the risks of social media.
So I mean, when Maria Foy was first posting her kids,
they're probably it was all a new technology of exciting
and nobody would have stopped to think about it. But
now no, not at all. There's so much more information
(36:00):
about just in terms of Internet security and all that
sort of stuff.
Speaker 6 (36:04):
And there's a lot more risk. We have a lot
you know, we have you know, in the last I
just looked at some data this week. Snapchat in the
last three years in New Zealand has had a five
hundred and fifty percent increase in child exploitation, so people
actively grooming children on Snapchat. So we've got profound increases
and risks for children on social media. So we you know,
(36:24):
and we have to we have to recognize that and
put safety measures in place.
Speaker 4 (36:29):
You guys have got stuff on the Parenting Place website
as well about sort of advice or just sort of yeah,
we do. Where would you what would they look for
on the Parenting.
Speaker 6 (36:37):
Yeah, if you jump into our website and look at
the articles, there's a digital a digital section, and I
I've written a whole bunch of articles like the one
on one on Snapchat, the one on one on TikTok, Fantastic, rowblocks,
all the you know, major platforms that our kids do,
so that we know we can understand how to navigate
it as parents.
Speaker 4 (36:54):
What's actually just out of curiosity, any particular platform that
you feel more comfortable with kids using themselves or are
they all just as bad as each other?
Speaker 6 (37:03):
I think they're all very high screen it unregulated online
environment in New Zealand. I spoke to an MP this
week who said that internationally we've seen as a wild
West when it comes to online content in safety. Yeah,
we don't have any regulation. There's no onus on industry
to keep our kids safe. So we need filtering, we
need rental controls. There's definitely some platforms that are more
(37:24):
unsafe than others. I guess in terms of the safest,
I would say YouTube kids, not YouTube, but keep devices
out of bedrooms, keep them in an open room in
the house.
Speaker 4 (37:34):
I can't. I can't say that, and actually don't be
afraid to reaversit the rules.
Speaker 5 (37:38):
Absolutely.
Speaker 4 (37:38):
Yeah, that's a note to self. By the way, got
time flies, Hey Holly, thanks so much, And if you
want to go and check out some of the work
that Holly's have created, go to parenting Place. Don't worry
about the co and to be honest, if you google
parenting Place, the first thing that pops up, it's there. Hey,
great to see you. Yeah, you took your time right.
We'll be back to rap sport and just a moment
(38:00):
demon Locklin's with US News Talks here B ten two six.
Speaker 1 (38:03):
For more from the weekend collective, listen live to News
Talk ZB weekends from three pm, or follow the podcast
on iHeartRadio
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talks
at b.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Uber Jamaica jat b Off Flgy. There's a please call
(00:33):
c Como. That's where you are.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
Go by.
Speaker 4 (00:51):
Yes, welcome back to the show. This is the Weekend Collective.
I'm Tim Beverage. Pipe you what the way if you've
missed any of our previous hours with Joe McCarroll and
Paul Sperley on for the panel, and our guest for
one roof was Ashley Church talking about the best methods
of self for your for your house. So if you're
if you're in that stage of looking to buy or
sell and you're thinking about what methods attract you the most,
(01:13):
then go and check out our podcast. Do you look
for the Weekend Collective on the News Talks he'd be
or iHeart Radio. But right now it is time for
the Parent Squad and my guest is well, she's from
the parenting place, but she's also a parent, a mum,
and her name is Holly Brooker. Good day, Holly, how
are you going?
Speaker 5 (01:31):
I'm good? Thank you, Yeah, I'm very happy to be here.
Speaker 4 (01:33):
That's good.
Speaker 5 (01:34):
What's been keeping out of dinner duty tonight?
Speaker 6 (01:36):
Oh? Did you really want my husband using Surrey on
the way here and I said, you're on dinner?
Speaker 4 (01:42):
Is that to say you're on dinner? There's no discussion.
You don't tell him what he has to do.
Speaker 5 (01:47):
He's a grown man.
Speaker 4 (01:51):
Yes, that is a very good that's a very good point.
Speaker 5 (01:54):
I don't know what I'll come home to, but I
don't care.
Speaker 4 (01:56):
No, that's good. Well, maybe he's just got the Ubertes going.
I don't know, but I know nothing about your husband,
so he could be someone who's absolutely outraged because he's
got the roast lamb on and the potatoes and everything.
Speaker 5 (02:05):
Is totally no, that won't be happening.
Speaker 4 (02:08):
One of the things I actually just wanted to kick
off the conversation. We're going to move on to talking
about just to do with posting kids online and your
children's relationship with their screens, but one of the questions
gets popped up during the course of the week. It
was just about kids staying at home longer. Have you
thought about and it's not so much discussed discussing empty
(02:30):
nest syndrome, but it's an interesting thing looking ahead. My
kids are only what twelve and thirteen, and the thing
that's occurred to me, is that how quickly time passes
as a parent, and it still feels like we've got
a lot of time with our kids, But in reality,
if my eldest daughter decides she's off to university in
(02:52):
a different town, we've only got four and a bit
more years with her, which is crazy, just really shocking
your kids. You've got a couple of children.
Speaker 6 (03:01):
Yeah, my oldest is coming up thirteen and he starts
high school next year, and my husband and I are
on this full band megan about we've only got five
years left with him, and it's pretty freaky. And yeah,
there's definitely this sense of, like I've said to the kids,
when you turn eighteen, mean dad, off we're going overseas.
But I don't know if that's really going to happen,
but that's the dream.
Speaker 4 (03:20):
Well it's a scary thought, isn't it. And it just
made me ask that question as to how long I
would think was healthy for my kids to stay living
at home because it's so expensive to rent. So if
you want them to buy a house, you want them
to save, you also want them to sort of be
growing up in being in a situation where maybe they
(03:42):
need to have some independence, but I can understand why
a lot of kids do stay at home. How long
can you imagine that you might put up with yours
and not that you might have thought about it.
Speaker 5 (03:51):
We had thought about it, and we've talked about it.
Speaker 6 (03:53):
Yeah, it's a funny one because we're really trying to
raise our kids to become really you know, independent adult
people so that they can fit for themselves. My son
might be living home in five years, and I'd like
to think that he that he could be able to
sort himself out. But you're right that a lot of
kids are staying at home longer now because of the
cost of living and house prices are out of control,
and so are rental prices. But you know, me and
(04:16):
my husband, we left home at eighteen and got a
flat and did our own thing, So there's a real,
you know, for us, an ideal would like it's pretty
cool that we were young and we forged our own
path and we were independent, but things are quite different now,
so it will be an interesting one to navigate.
Speaker 4 (04:30):
How long do you think would be too long?
Speaker 6 (04:32):
I would like to think that by twenty that they're
doing their own thing, because I think there's a real
even though, you know, financially there's benefit for them to
be at home.
Speaker 5 (04:40):
I like the idea of them, you know, sorting life.
Speaker 6 (04:43):
Out themselves and for you know, managing a budget going
without you know, it was tough for me renting and
I had to work my butt off and it was
good for me. I developed great resilience, you know, I
had to learned to him and manage my money.
Speaker 5 (04:59):
I went without thing.
Speaker 4 (05:00):
Did you were you working straight away? Or did you
I went?
Speaker 6 (05:04):
I we lived in fin to day and I moved
down to Auckland by myself and I studied and I
had it was you know, my family hadn't really gone
to university that I was figuring it all out. And
I also worked part time, so and I had a
student loan. We weren't able to get a student allowance,
so it was tough.
Speaker 4 (05:22):
Were you prepared to had you been prepared.
Speaker 3 (05:27):
For?
Speaker 5 (05:27):
How tough it would be?
Speaker 4 (05:30):
Answered this question? Did you were you prepared by your
parents at all for leaving home? Did you prepare yourself?
And how prepared were you? Three questions?
Speaker 6 (05:39):
Now that I wasn't prepared at all. I just wanted
to do it. I mean I'd always had part time
jobs when I was at high school. But I don't
remember having any conversations about flatting or rinting or paying bills.
Like literally, I was just I just figured it out.
Speaker 4 (05:52):
It's funny, I was. I was reflecting on when I
went to university, and of course the first year I
went to a halls of residents where you know, you
basically you're just going somewhere and you're still getting your
meals and all that sort of thing. But when I
went flatting and my mum gave me a recipe for
meat loaf, I think she probably showed me how to
(06:14):
do a roast, probably which was basically bang it in
the oven. Yeah easy, Yeah, although doing a really really good.
Speaker 5 (06:26):
Run eighteen year old not so much.
Speaker 4 (06:28):
Yeah. At Spaghetti Bologna's I think I had, and she
gave me An Edmund's cookbook, and I consider that there
was probably you know, you find your way, and her
meat lofe was damn good. I can't remember.
Speaker 5 (06:39):
It's amazing that you actually made it. I was a
terrible cook.
Speaker 6 (06:42):
I remember a lot of rice and tuna and frozen
vegetables on the packet. Yeah, it was just I did
not have any cooking skills.
Speaker 4 (06:50):
Well, frozen vegetables. I sort of do riger aren't I
mean that everyone goes for the frozen I don't want
to say what is these days because there are other
brands around when I don't want give him the free advertising.
Speaker 6 (06:59):
No, I mean they probably were too expensive when I
was a student, the fensive ones. Yeah, but I mean
I've had to learn how to cook. Becoming a mum,
you really are a parent. You really get thrown in
the deep end when it comes to culinary skills.
Speaker 4 (07:15):
What would you want what would you want your kids
to leave home with in terms of the basic skills,
because I mean the thing is, with the digital age,
there's so much information you could bombard kids with and
I sometimes think that that's a great tool. But also
I mean literally I had a book which was food
for Flatters. Yeah, and the meals weren't that flash, But
(07:39):
I wasn't bombarded with all the different choices I could
make to optimize my living.
Speaker 5 (07:45):
As the balance, you learn on the way, So you
do learn on the way.
Speaker 6 (07:50):
Yeah, yeah, I mean from a practical perspective, my son
who's twelve, cooks spaghetty billonnais once a week and he
that's his.
Speaker 5 (07:59):
Job and he actually enjoys it, which is pretty cool.
Speaker 6 (08:01):
And I like to think that he can leave home
and he could cook spaghetty billinais that's great.
Speaker 4 (08:05):
I had a flatmate, I think who that's all he
ever cooked because there were five of us. In fact,
you could always guess what you were going to have
for dinner that night because everyone had their pet recipe.
Speaker 5 (08:15):
Yes, and it's great.
Speaker 4 (08:18):
I generally tried to mix it up with two or
three different things, but there was one guy who he
would make. I hope he's not listening, but it was
always mince and spaghetti with mixed herbs thrown. And there
wasn't any tomato. It was just mixed t herbs and
I really it's terrible.
Speaker 6 (08:35):
And you didn't have uber eats back then. I can imagine,
not that you look like your past.
Speaker 4 (08:45):
Uber eats. I don't think it was a twinkle in
anyone's I hesitate to tell you what our food budget
was because that would probably date but it wasn't me.
In fact, I'm not going to tell you because that
probably would date me. My rent in d Needham was
less than fifty bucks, less than fifty bucks a week.
Mind you, there are probably some dives in Wellington where
they're not paying much more because they're literally oh yeah,
(09:07):
I think in fact, Themedan has gone all but corporate
now some of the really popular flats are pretty expensive. Anyway, Look,
we'd love to hear from you about how how long
would you be prepared for your kids to stay at home,
because you know that target might shift as well, because
when they're fifteen, you'll think, okay, like Holly said, twenty
seems enough, but when they hit twenty, you might be
(09:28):
like another year or two, we'll squeez outcause I love
having you around or get out.
Speaker 6 (09:31):
And also like kids mature so differently, yea, So it
kind of depends on the child and personality type.
Speaker 4 (09:38):
So when should kids leave home? But also what preparations
should you make as a parent to help them on
their way or do you think if you've done the
right job through the teenage years, it's literally they just
pack a bag and off they go, and you've done
the job in the five years pre proceeding, which tells
me that's probably the way we should be preparing our kids,
isn't it. So we'll take your course eight hundred and
(09:59):
eighty ten eighty Text nine to nine two. Let's kick
it off with marine. Hello.
Speaker 3 (10:05):
Oh hi, I was having a quiet chuckle about your
subject this afternoon. My husband and I used to say
roll on eighteen and I'm talking twenty odd years ago,
and my boys are now in their forties. They left
time when they were twenty four and twenty seven.
Speaker 4 (10:23):
And did that feel too soon or too late or
about right?
Speaker 3 (10:28):
It was about right, I think, But I did. I
did teach them to cook yep. And I taught them
to wash yep. And I taught them to iron.
Speaker 5 (10:40):
It's good.
Speaker 4 (10:42):
What age did you teach them to iron?
Speaker 3 (10:44):
I was breaking them all as a mother of not
making turning out useless me.
Speaker 4 (10:52):
Oh, that's a hot take on a lot. There are
other moms there. But what age did you teach them
to iron?
Speaker 3 (10:58):
When they were uniche?
Speaker 4 (11:00):
Okay, see that. I'm surprised that that's not a skill
that people can work out for themselves. You switch the
iron on and you sort of rub it over all
the clothes until they're nice and smooth. Well, is there
an act to it?
Speaker 3 (11:14):
There is, Yes, depends on what type of fabrics. You're
only true.
Speaker 4 (11:18):
So yeah, that's good advice. Did you arm them with
different recipes?
Speaker 3 (11:23):
Yes, yes, we have cooking sessions, all kinds of stuff.
Speaker 5 (11:28):
That's cool.
Speaker 4 (11:29):
How did you manage it while they're at home other.
Speaker 3 (11:32):
Than the basics of fag bog and you know, roast chickens.
Speaker 4 (11:36):
I think spec I think the thing is spaghetti bollona.
Sounds like it's a really easy dish to get to do,
very averagely, isn't it.
Speaker 3 (11:43):
No. I taught them to make college outes. I taught
them to make all kinds of stuff. Yeah, really, and
they're all good cooks.
Speaker 4 (11:52):
How did you manage it when they're so? I mean,
I don't want to make any assumptions, but usually young
men who are in the early twenties and relationships and
things like that. Did you have to change did you
have to craft any particular rules just around this our house?
Speaker 3 (12:05):
And you know, no, No, they wanted to them. They
liked Michael Pain and they wanted to be able to
take that with them.
Speaker 4 (12:18):
Were they allowed to have girlfriends around?
Speaker 3 (12:20):
Yeah, and we had lots of their friends around still
then boys? Yeah, yeah, because our house was the closest
to the city, so there was a lot of.
Speaker 4 (12:29):
Oh you had one of those houses? Were you those
cool parents?
Speaker 3 (12:35):
You'd wake up in the morning and every bodies all
over the floor.
Speaker 4 (12:38):
So yeah, the good stuff sounds it sounds good.
Speaker 5 (12:43):
Made it too good for them to leave?
Speaker 4 (12:45):
Well? Possibly? Yeah, I mean I have to be fair
and a self declaration that when I went left school,
went to university, that I I practiced law and at home,
lived at home again for maybe a few months before
I found a flat, and then I went to Australia
for a few years, came back. I guess you pop
in and you might stay for a month until you
found out game better. Yeah, which is probably I mean,
(13:08):
that's I think that's I like to think that's all right.
But we'd like to hear from you. How are you
preparing your kids to leave home? How long is too long?
My guest is Holly Brooker from the Parenting Place. We're
going to get onto other few things about screen time
as well, but we love your calls as to how
you manage the transition from your kids being under your
feet till suddenly they're not there at all. Eight one
(13:29):
hundred eighty text nine nine two. We'll be back in
just a moment twenty past five.
Speaker 7 (13:34):
God give here's tonight. I've had a feeling something right,
I'm so scared of kids? Are phone off my chair
and one get down the stairs, clowns to the letting
me jokers to the raid. Here, I am stuck in
(13:54):
the middle with you. You So I'm stuck in the
middle with you and I one what it is I
should do?
Speaker 3 (14:04):
Ah?
Speaker 7 (14:05):
Do you keep the smile from my face?
Speaker 4 (14:08):
Losing jo All's welcome back to the show. I'm Tim Beverage.
My guest is from the Parenting Place and her name
is Holly Brooker, and we're talking just for the first
part of this hour on the Parent Squad about how
long your kids should stay at home? How long are
you prepared for them to stay at home? But also
how do you prepare them to leave home? Because there
are more and more children. I don't mean children because
(14:31):
sometimes they're adults, but your children, and they never see
you ask any mum and dad there were still your children,
even if they might be growing up. But how do
you plan or prepare them for leaving home? But also
the other rulers. I guess once you get to a
certain age, maybe it's once you're an employable age, you're
no longer at school and you're no longer a student.
Do you make them pay rent board and how much
(14:52):
and how do you set that or do you I
remember having a by the way, I do remember having
a discussion with someone who did charge their son or
daughter or children rent and bored and they charged them
for full whack. And when they went to buy their
first house, they gave them all the money that they'd
put into a bank account. I thought that was pretty awesome. Actually, Holly,
(15:14):
isn't that Isn't that a great?
Speaker 5 (15:15):
Yeah, that's really cool.
Speaker 6 (15:17):
When I left home at eighteen and went to university,
but I would come back home over the summer break
because it's so long, it's about three months. Of course
you do therefore and will, and so I'd work full
time two jobs over the summer, and I would pay
board because yeah, that was just the way my family
did it.
Speaker 5 (15:32):
And then was that.
Speaker 4 (15:34):
Just to cover the food or was there a rent
sort of aspect to that, Like you've got to.
Speaker 6 (15:37):
It was just them teaching me to be responsible with money.
But then my mum actually gave me the money back
at the end of one summer when I brought a
new car. It was a crusty little car or was
it a Sabaru? Justy, It's like a little sewing machine.
Speaker 4 (15:53):
It's a funny name for it's just yeah, justy. I
do remember those. It probably wouldn't have been top of
my list.
Speaker 5 (15:59):
Who it's a terrible little bit. I had dollars.
Speaker 4 (16:03):
I had an old clapped out for escort that was
about tenth hand. It caught fire in me.
Speaker 1 (16:08):
In the end.
Speaker 4 (16:09):
It literally I drove up the driveway and I was like, oh,
something was It was revving a bit funny, it wasn't
quite running, and I was like, and there was a
split in the fuel hose. So when I revved it harder,
it really squirted the fuel out. And then I looked
up and the whole bonnet was on fire. It was
like an F one sort of well a picture was
nothing like an F one incident. A few texts, by
(16:30):
the way, and you're welcome to give us a call
on one hundred and eight ten eighty about how you
prepare your kids to leave home and how long you
would be happy for them to stay here. One person says,
I have four totally different personalities and eight grand children.
To plan a trip when they go to university if
they choose to, is when they need your presence the
(16:51):
most incredibly. What's incredibly selfish into a young adult probably
puts the fear of God into them.
Speaker 5 (16:59):
I'm trying, it's quite selfish. What is leaving when they're eighteen?
Do you know?
Speaker 6 (17:05):
I have heard from you know, appearance older than me,
who have older kids, that have said, your kids actually
need you a lot when they hit eighteen because there's
a lot of adult decisions to navigate and to figure out,
and it's a time that they need you a lot.
Speaker 5 (17:18):
But my mum was always on the phone.
Speaker 6 (17:20):
You know. I lived out of town and went to UNI,
but Mum was always there with the phone call away.
I did used to talk to her regularly, so she
was a great support and I didn't need to be
in her pocket.
Speaker 4 (17:29):
Yeah, I've got a text to you, Tim, your children
never leave. Even when they've left, you'll find out. We
have our two doing their own thing, one still living
while that's at twenty eight a week before Christmas. But
we love it. It's from Terry And another person said
on the cooking front, I just love the title of
the book, but it does sound like a nightmare. Gave
(17:50):
my son a book that said one hundred ways to
cook potatoes.
Speaker 5 (17:54):
That sounds great. I love potatoes.
Speaker 4 (17:55):
Yes, I imagine there must have been some recipes.
Speaker 5 (17:58):
One hundred ways. Knew there would be that many ways
to the potatoes.
Speaker 4 (18:02):
Well, it'll be this. It'll be steak and potatoes, chicken
and potatoes, boiled potatoes, mash them, fishing, brown fishing potatoes,
fish pie.
Speaker 5 (18:14):
I hate pie.
Speaker 4 (18:15):
Oh that's the best thing.
Speaker 5 (18:16):
So bad.
Speaker 4 (18:17):
Hey, there was something else we want to touch on,
but we'd love to hear from you if you've got
some words of advice or some takes on how long
your kids should start at home, but how you prepare
them to leave home as well? Oh, eight hundred eighteen eighty.
Because there's Maria Foy, who is how would you describe
Maria for She's a influencer. A influencer, that's right. She
(18:38):
has stopped posting her kids online, hasn't she, which she
did for quite a while.
Speaker 5 (18:45):
Yeah, she's she's she.
Speaker 6 (18:46):
She's been quite open this week, sharing with The Brady
in New Zealand Sreena Solomon about her her journey as
an influencer and posting her kids online and getting free products,
and how she's now her kids are older. She's stopped
posting photos and images of them and stories about them
because they are a lot more aware of what's you know,
their digital footprint matters. And yeah, it's been quite cool
(19:09):
to have that conversation. I think there's some legislation that's
looking to be passed in America in regards to influencers
earning money based on advertising around their children and whether
their child should be paid for that work. So that's
kind of a big broader picture around you know, if
you're monetizing your child online, should they be allocated to
(19:32):
some financial reward?
Speaker 4 (19:33):
Well? Should they be? Should it even need to be
legislated because it's almost like that example we gave of
kids living at home paying board and mums and dads
maybe actually kept putting that money to one side and
giving it back to them. But I don't think I
would be comfortable monetizing something to do with my kids
(19:54):
and not given them a slice of the action.
Speaker 6 (19:57):
Yeah, I mean, I guess there's so many influencers online
that get a lot of money from the work that
they do, and it's you know, a legitimate kind of
marketing advertising revenue stream now, So the idea that we
might be promoting our child and publicizing them online with
opening toys and you know products, should they get a
(20:17):
cup from there? I think you're right that as a parent,
we would need to make the judgment call there. My
daughter did a little bit of modeling when she was one,
so it wasn't really modeling. It was just like flopping
around in a onesie trying to contain a one year old.
But I remember, you know, trying to figure out how
do I do the money thing, because this is kind
of weird that if I'm earning money based on my
(20:41):
daughter's work, shouldn't she be entitled to that? But she's
one and I've got groceries to pay.
Speaker 4 (20:46):
I don't feel it's that complex that one. I sort
of think. I think it's it is a funny one
as to when you should stop sharing anything about your
kids on social media, because there's the issue of consent
and stuff, and I sort of feel I.
Speaker 5 (20:58):
Think that's the bigger conversation. For sure.
Speaker 4 (21:01):
I can imagine there'll be people listening going, oh, for
goodness sake, consent and all that sort of stuff. But
I there is there is a time when they are
identify as there, they're their own people, and when a
kid looks like Winston Churchill as they all do when
they're babies. It seems fairly harmless because really, that child
(21:23):
you see mealing and puking and rolling in the onesie
at the age of six months or even a year
is not going to have any resemblance really to the
to the kid that is at school with their own
social circle and friends and even preschool. I don't know
what that cut off is, but it doesn't post a
photo of their gorgeous baby face and all.
Speaker 6 (21:45):
Absolutely, yeah, I think that you know it is. We're
very proud when we when we have our baby, and
you know, we want to show them off and show
them to our friends. But there comes a point where
you could gets a bit older and you start to realize, oh,
I should actually consider what I'm posting about my child
and the stories of their tantrums and the supermarket. Maybe
that's not an ideal. This is not the ideal platform
(22:06):
to be talking about these things. I remember having a
bit of a wake up for myself. I shared on
social media many many years ago, and my son was younger,
a really embarrassing story about something that he had done,
and a few years later it seemed harmless. At the time,
it was just funny because I thought it was a
hilarious situation. Say it and I want to tell you
(22:28):
because it was so freaking good. It was so funny.
And a few years later, a kid that he knows,
I know, a wider friend circle who's his age, mentioned
the thing that I had posted about because his mum
had obviously showed him at the time and the video
or the photo whatever it was, and it had ached
in his mind and he raised it. And my son
(22:49):
was kind of like, huh, how does he know about that?
And I was like, shoot, that was confronting for me
and really.
Speaker 4 (22:57):
Cross with you. Ah, did you take it down?
Speaker 6 (23:01):
It was it was many years before, and I but
I but I, you know, it was straight up with him,
and I said, look the thing. You know when that happened,
I shared it on social media with my friends.
Speaker 5 (23:10):
I'm really sorry.
Speaker 6 (23:11):
I didn't know that she would show it to her son.
I regret that. I don't share things about you now.
So it was a good wake up call.
Speaker 4 (23:20):
Yeah, that's interesting. I haven't Actually, I'm just thinking the
videos that I've got of my girls when they're tiny,
and there's one when my daughter is she can't she's
at the age she can't speak. She says that that
that that that, And she's just talking gibberish to my
wife and going to help her sweep up some leaves,
and she just, instead of sweeping them up, she redisperses
them across the drive. It's very funny and cute. I
(23:43):
think she's seen it. She goes, Oh, that's cute, so
it's not embarrassing. Yeah, yeah, so I'm okay.
Speaker 6 (23:47):
This one was very embarrassing. It was a total parent
fail on my behalf. Shouldn't have done it.
Speaker 4 (23:53):
Well, good on you. Hey, let's take some more call.
You can give us a call about that on eight
hundred eighty ten eighty. At what age and what can
you share with your kids? And when should you actually
get their permit? I hate the word consent because it
just sounds a little bit sort of virtue signaling. So
let's say, when should you get you kids permission to
post something? That's a bit better, isn't it?
Speaker 5 (24:13):
Yeah?
Speaker 6 (24:13):
I think that's that's great, And I think it's a
really important thing for our kids to learn in regards
to when they're older and sharing photos of their friends.
We do want them to learn to you know, hey,
is it okay if I put this on Snapchat or
yeah whatever.
Speaker 4 (24:25):
Okay, all that chances are if they've posed for the
for selfie, there's an implied contract with your friends that
they know it might end up on Instagram.
Speaker 6 (24:33):
Possibly, But are their photos that you're that your child
saking of them, not posing?
Speaker 4 (24:37):
Ah? Good point, right, Let's let's get take some more calls.
I wait one hundred and eighty ten eighteen text on
nine two nine two Ralph GOODA.
Speaker 8 (24:47):
Yeah, just sort of a kind a couple of observations.
So I'm a six Yeah, So I grew up in
KaiA when we were yeah, and a lot of my
friends and some of my family and so forth. You know,
we left school at fort been sixteen years old, then
(25:08):
not leaving until they're eighteen or waiver, and you know,
sixteen years old, a lot of my sort of friends
were backing and working. But nowadays can seem just that
tip an observation that I've made. So I was born
(25:30):
before the era of the concept of pool. So all
the families in my rown had four or five or
six kids, so we all kind of learned. I think,
because you come from a big family, you learned to
work together. But my son an only child, which is
(25:51):
not too unusual these days. And he was living in
christ So I live in Auckland, so I used to
go down and visit him, and you know, I can't
stay in there flat or whatever. And I noticed everyone
on the blinket track or what have not, that there
was a lot of people. Everyone cooked their own blinking meals,
(26:13):
so they'd be cooking two or three separate.
Speaker 4 (26:15):
So well, no one was cooking for each other. They
went during the communal thing.
Speaker 3 (26:20):
Yes, I think actually that's probably.
Speaker 4 (26:23):
Quite common these days, I imagine, because everyone's got their
own That's sort of a shame, isn't it. Ralph.
Speaker 8 (26:29):
Yeah, I thought it was you that were saying that
you had black guys in the platin and someoneunder the
smoke pile, and someone did's beginning by Nat and you
all knew what was happening, and so you shared it out.
You work together like a team.
Speaker 4 (26:43):
Actually, yeah, I mean, I've just realized that probably that's
quite rare these days, that everyone has their own meals
they cooked for themselves, and they're all minding their own budgets.
Speaker 8 (26:54):
And yeah, that's everyone's kind of sort of all sort
of health conscious, burn conscious, and everyone's sort of cooking
their own. We'd meals or whatever. And when like when
when we were young, it was meeting three beds, you know,
and and and everyone, or as it was spaghetti bolonnais.
(27:15):
But that was about it. And I just noticed that
the culture because we all came from well my age,
we only had four or five or six kids in
our family, so that the kids these ages, it's all
one or two child families. It's really changed our culture
and it's changed the framing culture.
Speaker 4 (27:35):
Yeah, that's almost it's almost a separate conversation just as
to how we how well we live together with people
and young people. But yeah, that's does it does seem
a bit of a shame. Thanks Ralph, It does seem
bit of a shame. Sorry.
Speaker 8 (27:48):
It was just common for us out to leave home
sixteen years old. We were training, yeah, sixteen years old.
Speaker 4 (27:58):
And also I guess with Ralph, when you're coming from
larger families is more siblings sitting the example of the
sort of stuff. And to be honest, I was the
youngest four boys. So by the time I left home,
I think my mum had the sort of recipe this
is what I send you out into the world with
and where you go. Did you were you were in
a flatting situation, actually, I mean with people who cook
their own meals or did they share?
Speaker 8 (28:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (28:19):
Actually, when I left home at eighteen, I went to
a flat in Albany because I went to Massy for
the first year, and we did it, actually cook our
own meals.
Speaker 4 (28:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (28:28):
Later on I had a flat in gray Lynn and
we cooked together.
Speaker 4 (28:32):
Because these days I can imagine, you know, there'd be
some people like, oh, I really have to have a
keen Wi salad on Tuesdays.
Speaker 5 (28:38):
Cab free or I'm gluten free.
Speaker 4 (28:40):
Intermittent fasting and such a Yeah. I wonder how many
flat mates actually these days at university, wonder how many
flats there are where they all cook communally, like it's
my turn Monday. Well, we were lucky, there were five
of us. So what do we do? We had Sunday night.
Somebody did the Sunday Night race. It was Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
Friday and Saturday. You do your own thing. But I
(29:03):
suddenly realized that was probably quite rare.
Speaker 6 (29:05):
But you know what, just thinking about that and thinking
about phones, we would we hung out so much as Batmtes,
whereas now I can imagine everyone's on their phones.
Speaker 4 (29:16):
Spot we're still in the same room together.
Speaker 5 (29:19):
Yeah, yeah, I have been Yeah, things are quite different.
Speaker 4 (29:22):
They are different. I have been guilty of Once. I
was trying to call out downstairs to my daughter and
she wasn't answering, so I just phoned her. I found
her from upstairs and it's just like hello, and I
was like, oh gosh. Anyway, hey, look, we take a
quick moment. We also want to talk about continue the
conversation about just what you can post of your kids
online and in what circumstances or what age you should
(29:44):
be getting their permission, and what the rules you are
setting around that. We'll have a discussion with Holly a
bit about that, And that's on the in the wake
of influencer Maria Foy, who well, to be honest, cynically,
you could say she did quite well out of posting
on her her kids, and I've all decided now that
she won't. But maybe the fortune has been made if
I was going to be cynical. But that's probably a
(30:04):
little harsh, isn't it. But when do you think it's
okay to post about your kids? Give us a call
one night ten eighty text two back in the mo.
Speaker 3 (30:18):
Way this out back in sixty three.
Speaker 4 (30:36):
Yes, welcome back to news Talks here. B Gosh, time
flies when you're having fun. It's so already seventeen minutes
to six. Don't forget what the sports rap with Dean.
Dean Midlachlan will be joining us to chat about a
couple of things on the sport front before we wrap up.
But right now, Holly Brooker from The Parenting Places with
us about the age that you share things of your kids,
(30:58):
And look, I don't know what my rule would have been,
because we just organically made a decision that there's just
stuff we don't share. If it's a skiing photo or
holiday photo. We're all smiling and they're posed for it.
I think implicitly this sort of feels like that's sort
of okay. But I've actually don't think I've ever had
that conversation with them. Do you have that conversation with
your kids about whether you share something or is it
(31:18):
sort of works itself out, because hey, look we're all
at Christmas, We're having a family photo, they're all smiling,
and I don't think i'd ask if I could put
that up. I don't know if I'm to be honest,
I don't know if I bother sharing it either.
Speaker 6 (31:30):
Yeah, well, depends on how you use social media. So
for someone like me that does use social media for
work and you know, you know, in the.
Speaker 5 (31:40):
Media, sometimes I am.
Speaker 6 (31:42):
I have made a point of asking my kids, particularly
because my daughter went through a stage when she was seven.
I think we've been in a couple of magazine stories
or something until she'd started to understand that, oh, people
can see photos of me, and she started she went
to this phase where she, if I took a photo,
should say I don't want you to put that on
social media, and I would say, no, I'm not going
to put it on social media. But she became quite
(32:04):
worried about other people seeing her photo. And so that
what that did for us was it just meant that
when I don't post my kids online at all. But
I also work in advocacy around online safety, so definitely
I have a you know.
Speaker 4 (32:19):
Chaining into it.
Speaker 6 (32:20):
Yeah, but I think it's also important that you know,
our kids get a bit older and we need to
be respectful of them as individuals and the digital footprints
important and things have changed even in the last five.
Speaker 5 (32:31):
Years in terms of the online space.
Speaker 6 (32:33):
So it's quite different posting a phoon of your baby
than it is posting a photo of your you know,
five or six year old having attention, or your eight
year old whatever.
Speaker 4 (32:42):
Actually, I would never be interested in posting that, actually,
because I do host a parenting show every week, and
I don't think I've actually had a conversation with them directly,
but I try. And if I'm talking about a parenting issue,
I won't identify if there's a particular daughter, but I
might just say one daughter asks me such and such.
And it is funny because I'm constant navigating that maybe
(33:04):
I should go in and have a conversation with them
and say what can I talk about? Limit my job
a little bit.
Speaker 5 (33:11):
But yeah, totally, Yeah, that is a tricky one.
Speaker 4 (33:13):
Yeah, my kids are five and eight, this text says,
and I've never shared a photo of either of them
on social media. It's weird. Just have a chat group.
The rest of the world don't need to see it.
That is one thing actually, where things like WhatsApp, I
guess and.
Speaker 6 (33:28):
Yeah, family chat groups quite different from posting about your
kids on Instagram. Some people, you know, influencers are prolific
at posting their kids online some influencers and they're fine
with that, and some people are more cautious about posting
their kids online and maybe keep it to a family chat.
So I think it really comes down to you. You
(33:49):
know your values, I guess your understanding of what's happening online,
and I guess asking some hard questions about you know,
how is my child going to feel about this in
a couple of years when they're a bit older.
Speaker 4 (34:00):
Yeah, at what age would you? Actually there's also a
question abouts you can have a conversation with them, because,
let's face it, a five or six year old, it's
quite impressionable as to what mum or dad wants, absolutely
and they don't really understand what it's all about.
Speaker 6 (34:16):
We're the adult and we're going to make those decisions.
But for you, Tom, you've worked in media for a
long time, so you probably have a quiet in depth
understanding around how much works a long time.
Speaker 4 (34:30):
I think I'm still working it out. So did you
ever have a particular have you ever had particular conversations
or was it something that your kids brought up when
they became sort of a bit more aware and had
their own phones. No social friends or on group something.
Speaker 6 (34:46):
No, I mean I think that I'm just I've always
taken quite a cautious approach because I want to make
sure that my kids are kept safe online and I
don't want to overshare. You know, I shared it at
that story earlier when I totally overshared with my son
was like three or something, And since then I haven't
been sharing my kids at all because I just tend
to be a bit more cautious in that regard. But
(35:09):
in terms of there was that time when my daughter
but did become quite worried about having her photo shared publicly,
and that is I kind of fell into these conversations
because of that. You know, I said that we were
in a magazine photo shoot, and since then I've done
a few different kind of magazine things and I've had
a chat with her about it. Do you want to
be in this, this is what it's going to involve,
(35:30):
this is how long it will be, you know, in
print for and kind of given her a bit of
power because I do care about her opinion on that.
Speaker 4 (35:40):
It's and to be fair, you know, we've all become
a bit more cognizant about about the risks of social media.
So I mean, when Maria Foy was first posting her kids,
they're probably it was all a new technology of exciting
and nobody would have stopped to think about it. But
now no, not at all. There's so much more information
(36:00):
about just in terms of Internet security and all that
sort of stuff.
Speaker 6 (36:04):
And there's a lot more risk. We have a lot
you know, we have you know, in the last I
just looked at some data this week. Snapchat in the
last three years in New Zealand has had a five
hundred and fifty percent increase in child exploitation, so people
actively grooming children on Snapchat. So we've got profound increases
and risks for children on social media. So we you know,
(36:24):
and we have to we have to recognize that and
put safety measures in place.
Speaker 4 (36:29):
You guys have got stuff on the Parenting Place website
as well about sort of advice or just sort of yeah,
we do. Where would you what would they look for
on the Parenting.
Speaker 6 (36:37):
Yeah, if you jump into our website and look at
the articles, there's a digital a digital section, and I
I've written a whole bunch of articles like the one
on one on Snapchat, the one on one on TikTok, Fantastic, rowblocks,
all the you know, major platforms that our kids do,
so that we know we can understand how to navigate
it as parents.
Speaker 4 (36:54):
What's actually just out of curiosity, any particular platform that
you feel more comfortable with kids using themselves or are
they all just as bad as each other?
Speaker 6 (37:03):
I think they're all very high screen it unregulated online
environment in New Zealand. I spoke to an MP this
week who said that internationally we've seen as a wild
West when it comes to online content in safety. Yeah,
we don't have any regulation. There's no onus on industry
to keep our kids safe. So we need filtering, we
need rental controls. There's definitely some platforms that are more
(37:24):
unsafe than others. I guess in terms of the safest,
I would say YouTube kids, not YouTube, but keep devices
out of bedrooms, keep them in an open room in
the house.
Speaker 4 (37:34):
I can't. I can't say that, and actually don't be
afraid to reaversit the rules.
Speaker 5 (37:38):
Absolutely.
Speaker 4 (37:38):
Yeah, that's a note to self. By the way, got
time flies, Hey Holly, thanks so much, And if you
want to go and check out some of the work
that Holly's have created, go to parenting Place. Don't worry
about the co and to be honest, if you google
parenting Place, the first thing that pops up, it's there. Hey,
great to see you. Yeah, you took your time right.
We'll be back to rap sport and just a moment
(38:00):
demon Locklin's with US News Talks here B ten two six.
Speaker 1 (38:03):
For more from the weekend collective, listen live to News
Talk ZB weekends from three pm, or follow the podcast
on iHeartRadio
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