December 21, 2024 • 36 mins
Family arguments are more common than not over the holiday period - but when is it time to step in when it comes to relatives making comments to children?
John Cowan joins to discuss.
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talks
B This is Christmas.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Ther Ah, yes, so this is Christmas. Actually there's another
(00:53):
song that I sort of hated for a while and
then I listened to it again. It's pretty good. But
like the Pogues when I when I everyone wants to
hear the Pogues, and I listened to it and now
I'm thrashing at to death. Uh. Anyway, my guest, this
is the parent Squad, My guests, what he's no stranger.
I'm just going to tell you his name. It's John
cow And John Hello.
Speaker 3 (01:13):
It's always good to be here. And I know why
you're starting to like these songs. Why And I've got
a few more years experience, so I can speak speak authoritatively.
You're getting and so these winks into the underneath your
emotional gamba and you start to feel all soft and
gushy about it. I think, problem, you're getting more emotional
(01:33):
as yet, old aunt you?
Speaker 2 (01:34):
Oh god, yeah, mind you. I've always been a bit
of a slightly soft touch with things. I still remember
seeing a movie called Shadowlands with Anthony Hopkinson and I
sat there with a friend of mine she and it
was one of back years ago, probably thirty years ago,
I think twenty five, and we both went, We're just
sitting there and you know the scenes that would eke
(01:56):
at your emotions, and I was just about sobbing the
way through it, and we were both shielding. We were
sitting there without elbows, you know, when you you lean
and you perch with your with your chin on your
on your hand, but you're really just shielding because you
don't want them to see what a what an absolute
mess you are. And then I turned to her. She
was doing the same thing, and we looked at each
(02:17):
other and sort of burst out laughing because we were like, oh, but.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
Look, I'm a mess watching Disney cartoon, so a good
butter going, but I mean.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
Hopefully you're not doing the good old what are the
old the old Disney you are? I'm thinking Warner Brothers,
you know.
Speaker 3 (02:34):
No, No, I'm thinking about you know, things like Dumbbo
saying goodbye to his mother or.
Speaker 4 (02:40):
Yeah, well there you go, there you go.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
They years more experience than you know. I'm My decrepitude
is beyond mentioned, really.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
Actually, because I did a Christmas concert with north Shaw
Brass a week and a bit ago. I think it was.
Was it two weeks ago? Time flies? It was two
weeks ago? Goodness me? And there's a there's a song
that I was doing called have You for Merry Little Christmas?
And it's a beautiful orchestration, and there's just something about
there's a part in that song just with the verse
(03:11):
and the lyrics and the music where it is I
definitely have soften. But now if I think of my
parents at the same time, I've got to really take
a couple of deep breaths in between phrases, otherwise I'm
a goner. Anyway, there we go. Look, isn't it? Isn't
it nice though, to be reminded, you know, these are
the things that make us human, isn't it? The emotions
surface at Christmas because often people remembering family members who
(03:34):
are no longer with them any longer.
Speaker 3 (03:36):
I sometimes fool myself into some thinking that I am
a skeptical, logical, scientifically minded person.
Speaker 4 (03:43):
But there's an awful lot.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
That physics around in my brain that I just have
to put down to the fact that you know, I'm
a human being.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
I've got a friend of mine who is an incredibly
highly placed scientist, and the scientist community, she got PhD.
She's worked in all over the world, and she even
uses the expressions she said, Oh, such and such, this
is what I'm thinking about, and it's a little bit
woo woos. That's who we're. The things that you know,
the newmanus, the things you can't really yeah, you think
no matter what science tells me, I still even out
(04:11):
again think.
Speaker 4 (04:13):
No, yeah, I don't know what it is.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
But anyway, hey, look at us Christmas time, and actually
I want to there are a couple of things, broadly speaking,
and we want your calls on eight hundred and eighty
t and eighty on how much leeway you need to
Then let's focus on the parenting here, because they're often
adult disagreements and all those sorts of things at Christmas.
(04:36):
But how do you manage the get togethers when somebody,
when you might have a guest or a family member
who decides that they're going to I don't know, maybe
better do a little bit more parenting of your child
because maybe you're not doing it. And how do you
negotiout that sort of stuff when people are maybe telling
your kids off when you think they're not doing anything
particularly wrong, or maybe commenting that they've put too much
(05:00):
food on their plate or things like that. I guess
the broader question is with children in mind, as I say,
because it's the parent squad, how do you navigate those
How do you navigate those things? Do you just suck
it up? Because guess what? And by the way, I'm
not talking about I'm not talking about my in laws
or anything like that, just in case anyone wants to
(05:21):
report back and say, oh, Tim was having our crack
at the in laws. Of course we actually have quite
a nice time together. But we can all imagine those
Christmases where the extended family get together and there's just
that person who just can't help themselves. Do you just
suck it up, John, and just think, you know what,
in a few days time will be going home and
take a deep breath and don't worry about it.
Speaker 3 (05:40):
I think there's lots of opportunities over Christmas to bite
the inside of your mouth and just think, this is
just Christmas.
Speaker 4 (05:46):
I can cope.
Speaker 3 (05:47):
I'll sit back and be a spectator a little bit
as regards making comments on other people's parenting and the
conduct of their kids. Let's just have a look at
the calendar. Twenty twenty four coming up to twenty twenty five.
Sorry that your opportunity to do that expired about forty
years ago. You know, you just don't do that anymore.
(06:07):
And I'm not saying we sound's a good a good thing.
I'm just saying, you know, back in the day, any
adult could basically, you know, pull up any other person's
kids for their manners. They could, I mean, and in
other cultures it still happens. A friend had, a friend
(06:28):
told me that they had a person from another country
staying with them and their child started their own child
started grizzling about something, and this guest from the other
country came across and smacked their kid.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
What well true?
Speaker 3 (06:42):
And so look wrong, wrong decade, wrong era, wrong culture.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
We don't. I've got an example. I've got an example,
and it's a made up one, by.
Speaker 3 (06:51):
The way, fictician, Well.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
You know, but these are things. It's actually it's actually
examples that I've seen in non Christmas period, and it
was I'll tell the real story and then i'll give
a Christmas example. Okay, So I was sitting in a
cafe years ago and it was not many people there,
and there were I think maybe there were two or
(07:15):
three mums who came in and were having coffee, and
they had they had youngsters, and one was a toddler.
There were further along. It was a bench seat sort
of thing that lots of tables. Just picture a big
r of tables, and at the far end there was
a guy who was just sitting there, maybe doing a
bit of work, writing some notes and having a coffee
and just in a happy place. And one of the
(07:36):
toddlers was was exploring the restaurant, and he was doing
it in a way that was like, oh, this is
really great on me. But he was picking up the coffee,
the salt and sugar, salt and pepper grinderism and thang,
and then he thought that's a cool sound. And he
got louder and louder and closer and closer to this
(07:56):
guy who was focusing on what he was doing, and
the mums actually were oblivious to it, which I thought,
how can you be oblivious to this? I rained my
child in a while ago, and the kid got closer
and then got to this guy's table and picked up
something and he just pointed him and said no kid.
(08:17):
The kid froze, and I was like, hooray.
Speaker 3 (08:22):
Yeah, look I think there's there's degree if you're if
some other kid is starting to monster your kids, for instance,
and starting to bully them or push them around, or
if they're damaging your property or the being or.
Speaker 4 (08:35):
Anything like that.
Speaker 3 (08:35):
Yeah, I think that you have a right, you have
a duty to be to intervene politely. I mean, this
has been a question. There's often men put to me about,
you know, cafe behavior or on aeroplanes when a kid's
kick in the back of your seat or and something
like this.
Speaker 4 (08:51):
So you're allowed to of.
Speaker 3 (08:52):
Course, of course you are well an example at Christmas,
but you do it gently and politely.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
Okay, here we go. Here's a Christmas example, and we're
going to get your feedback on this. And this is
invented based on that scenario, as I can imagine, say,
if I was at a Christmas and someone's child got
given a drum for Christmas and you're sitting.
Speaker 3 (09:13):
People would have bought drums for the nieces.
Speaker 4 (09:16):
You're smiling at the moment.
Speaker 2 (09:17):
It's got to be a prison, isn't it. And they're
banging it around it and after a while it gets
louder and louder, and you're sort of like I just
and no one else is paying attention. And I think
there would be a part of me that would be
wanting to say to the child, if you bang that
drum one more time, I'm going to take it out
into the garden and sit on it. But yeah, how
would you how would you handle that? Because someone just.
Speaker 4 (09:40):
Distraction is always a good one.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:42):
If you bring them over there and say, can you
and can you see my imaginary drumsticks it's and you
pretend to drum on it, they would just go, no,
I've got a real one.
Speaker 4 (09:55):
Maybe I'm geraated.
Speaker 3 (09:56):
Than you are, you see though, But you know, distraction
or can you go out there and say and play
your drum for the dahlias in the garden or something
like that. Distraction sometimes works better deflecting rather than telling
them off.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
I wouldn't actually, actually, I think I think I just
removed myself.
Speaker 4 (10:15):
You can.
Speaker 3 (10:17):
Removing yourself is not a bad one if it's a
temporary situation. If this is going to be ongoing, you know,
then you might have a word with the parents later
on and just say I'm very sensitive to noise or
something like that. Making some appeal to something like I
find having hearing aids is great. I can say I'm
sorry that rattles my hearing aids at all.
Speaker 2 (10:35):
Oh. Actually, if you've got the really fancy hearing aids,
you just turn up the noise canceling and sit there
as if nothing's going on. Actually, if you got hearing aids,
just take them out.
Speaker 3 (10:47):
A good drummer can get through all that too.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
I actually, now I've crowded that fictitious scenario. I worked
out what I would do. I probably would do. I
think I'm probably this brazen that I would distract the
child and then I would hide the drum and pretend
I had no idea where it was mean Uncle Tom. Luckily,
I don't think we have to.
Speaker 3 (11:07):
Worry about it, setting limits around things like and say, excess,
can you play your drum really, really loud for the
next ten seconds and then give it a rest or
something like that. So rather than just saying a hard no,
or give it doing it in an angry way, if
you can do it, give an instruction and a fun way,
turn it into a game, distrac them onto something quieter,
to deflect them somewhere else that's always better, and or
(11:31):
else just rather than embarrassing the parent. If the parents
are with another group of friends, you can just go
across and crouch down load to them and just say, oh,
I hope you don't think I'm being too grumpy, but
I'm just I'm afraid I'm not very good at handling noise.
Put it back on yourself and people are much less
likely to take offense rather than saying you're an appalling
(11:52):
parent of appalling children, which would be the closer to
the truth. But if you put it back on yourself
and look, I'm just a little bit you know, I
can't quite handle the noise at the moment, I would
really really appreciated child had something quantity to play with.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
If you're listening and you've had an awkward moment at Christmas.
In terms of managing that, the family relationships with kids,
I tell you the one one of the ones that
might be a little more common might be older kids
whose language is a bit more floral than when there
are little kids around and navigating those sorts of things.
Speaker 3 (12:28):
Because adults in the room that are using it's funny
because I mean I've used on talkback the word bloody
or the B words to.
Speaker 2 (12:35):
Me and ever since the Toyota ad, you know, yes,
bagar seems to be, but there are some people who
still find that and I think to me, I always
think it depends on the style of delivery. If you're
angry and you're using lots of aggressive words, then that's
worse than a flippant sort of you know, dropping the
wrong word. But that would be one where you know,
(12:57):
navigating those areas where people don't necessarily have the same
view on people's language, or even just thinks that might
be seen as either mildly or extremely blasphemois to people
who are religious and not monitoring those things.
Speaker 4 (13:12):
It's a cultural clash, there isn't it.
Speaker 3 (13:14):
And very hard to set standards for someone else's family,
but within your own family, just say you're dreaming if
you expect you kids are going to have a better
standard around their language or anything than you, to be honest,
So it's your own example that you attend to if
you're thinking, I want my kids to know the boundaries
between a speech which is going to win them friends
(13:37):
and language which is going to put other people off them.
And so it's a skill. And yeah, of course there
may be well be a place for Florida language to
and in certain context that might be right, but little
you can't. You can't expect little kids to know that
they have to learn it, and so we are not
serving them well if we don't teach kids that some
(13:58):
language is okay in front of your Grandma, and some
languages and some language you can use in front of
Uncle Ted, but you wouldn't use it in front of
Artim because you.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
Know she's a shocker. Mary.
Speaker 3 (14:10):
You know, it's a skill, and our duty is to
teach kids language skills that are going to get them
where they want to go. And if they if they
learn up, you know, learn to speak without knowing the
distinction between the power of some words. You know you've
deserved them.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
Actually to be to be fair in a way. Often
when we imagine what could go wrong at Christmas is
the scenarios I've painted. Actually, I think they're much less
common generally. I don't know. I don't remember any particularly
uncomfortable Christmases in my lifetime. Whether it be mind you,
if I was the little toddler who is causing the mayhem,
I might not have been aware of it. But you know,
(14:49):
I think we generally are pretty good at getting on
the mone.
Speaker 4 (14:52):
I think so.
Speaker 3 (14:53):
By the way, it's not the kids that usually cause
the problems at Christmas. So I can't remember the statistic.
I would have looked it up, but a large, a
significant number of Christmases end up getting unhappy really because
of adults having fights, siblings any to ever but too
much alcohol, arguing over politics or religion or or something
(15:15):
and just got in with each other. And so look,
it's not an insignificant thing.
Speaker 2 (15:19):
I'm always nervous when I meet people at Christmas time,
and you were the editor at a merry sort of function.
This is not so much on the parenting, but it's
just you know, these general social But it's funny. I mean,
I express myself, I have to on this job quite freely.
But when I meet someone and I don't know whether
they're a listener or not, I'm quite terrified of expressing
any opinion because I just because I can't hang up.
Speaker 3 (15:42):
You don't ever dumb switch, You can't slide the slider
down on them. Look, go to an AD break, that would.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
Be Would that be a good way to diffuse it,
I'd say, Look, normally i'd just go to an AD
break right now, but can we can we change the
topic instead?
Speaker 4 (15:58):
Yeah, that might look yeah, that is cool.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
Apparently there's some research that says the average family will
have around five arguments on Christmas Day, Yeah, five big ones.
Speaker 4 (16:09):
Or I don't know, I don't know. You've got the
research in front of you.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
That No, that's is My producer has a way of
sending me little messages just with these little little tip
bits of information. But we'd like to earn you. How
have you how have you navigated you know, the awkward
Christmas is because some they say you can choose your friends,
but you can't choose your family. Have you had any
instances we have sort of had to monitor someone else's child,
(16:34):
or or that somebody else has butted in on the
way you were raising your child? And how have you
handled that without it becoming something like I can't wait
to get out of here on Boxing Day. Give us
a call. I wait one hundred eighty ten eighty text
nine two nine two. We've got lots of things to
talk about here, John and I, but we'd love your participation.
We'll be back in just a moment. Twenty three past five.
Speaker 4 (16:59):
You help them, held them say.
Speaker 2 (17:06):
Synodyl his oranged all of childrens angersty.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
He comes Sana who comes Shana out Santa Claus.
Speaker 2 (17:31):
Here we go. There's a little bit of Elvis and
actually the female voice here there is Leanne Rhimes. I
think so one of those re recorded things where you've
got the legend in the background and you tack it
onto your album and and just count the royalties. Anyway,
welcome back to the parents squad. By the way, I
think the question I really wouldn't need to put out
there in terms of not how to resolve it, but
(17:52):
what are the scenarios that can create difficulty with your
kids and families, that create difficulty with families at Christmas?
And then we can talk about how you might resolve them.
But what are the scenarios to avoid? Because that's often though,
That's I think that's the way to go, isn't it.
John Cown, I'm sure that everybody's got a story.
Speaker 3 (18:09):
Yeah, everybody's got a situation they've encountered that it's been
a bit awkward.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
Well, let's let's see what Mary's got to say. Mary, Hello, Hello.
I would just like you. I like you to know
what do you do with the drums that go on
at these sports games.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
All day, all of match?
Speaker 3 (18:28):
How do you deal with them, are you.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
No? I think probably thirty thousand people are probably the
one that was Remember the the Verzellas, Yes, those are
those things that the sports games, the.
Speaker 3 (18:39):
South African of a World Cup, wasn't it that they really?
Speaker 2 (18:43):
What would you do?
Speaker 3 (18:45):
I'm sorry?
Speaker 2 (18:46):
What would you do with the drums? You just had
to put up with them? Or go home? Don't you
what the child at you're at a Christmas party? Yeah?
I would just leave it, or go and hide and
say come and let's pay hide and seek and hide
it with the other children, let him go and find
it or here that sounds like a winning scenario of moon.
Speaker 4 (19:06):
That sounds like a top one.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
Okay, here's one says Hello Tim and John. Thanks for
you call Mary and Merry Christmas. Hello Tim and John.
I'm very close to my three year old grandson. Can
I step into situations? E g? Grandson kept saying Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad,
Dad Dad while Dad was talking to a friend, and
I said, quiet, darling, dad's talking. And that's from Tammy.
(19:29):
That sounds entirely reasonable, because you're doing Dad a favor, actually,
aren't you.
Speaker 4 (19:33):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (19:37):
You could you could then ask ask the child. You
could say, what do you want dad for or something
like that, and then that stops the dad, Dad, Dad,
And also is the kid that the attention that they're wanting.
And because Dad's probably not going to say he's immune
to it. You know, it probably happens five hundred times
a day and he just doesn't hear it. And if
it's annoying you.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
It's amazing what your brain can filter out, doesn't.
Speaker 3 (19:58):
It look amazing and what it can every person before
they think, before they have kids, they're gonna go, you know,
we're not going to be doing that. Our kids aren't
going to be kicking up in the mall or making
noise at restaurants or you know, it's amazing what we
fall into. So yeah, I would just turn your attention
to the child.
Speaker 2 (20:15):
Yeah, this person says, put it this way. This person says,
I had to have a courageous conversation with my sister
in law given her little precious left a picnic bar
in the spar pole on Christmas Day. Yeah, anyway, and
says you can't dump that. Boys.
Speaker 3 (20:36):
Yes, well, the focus is on what next time, you know,
next time fixing it is you know that's going to
be pool maintenance.
Speaker 4 (20:45):
That's fixing that.
Speaker 3 (20:46):
But if you don't want it next time, you just
got to make sure of that. Kids, no next time,
no food anywherey of that pool.
Speaker 2 (20:52):
Well, actually, here's a more serious one attendst that says,
my mother in law's favorite activity at any family gathering.
I don't think, I hope she's not doing this deliberately,
is to try try and my son something that he's
allergic to. So I have to step in to stop
her and tell her, and then her spending the rest
of the afternoon telling everyone how controlling I am and
(21:14):
how I don't even trust her to help feed him. Now,
actually that is that matters, as you know. And I
imagine this story comes from someone thinking, oh, he's not
really allergic. She's such a fussy mum. Look, I'll give
him some peanut, but he'll be fine. Yes, And actually
that is serious.
Speaker 3 (21:32):
It's a bit of an inter generational awareness thing that
people are more aware of elligens and things like that.
And so, yeah, you know, if that mother in law
genuinely knows the child's allergic to it and still persists
in doing it, she's a psychopath. Okay, so is obviously
(21:52):
assuming that she's not a psychopath, you've got to assume
that there's a communication error. You've got to actually say, hey,
this is a real medical thing. We're not trying to
be fussy or to be overly controlling or anything like that.
Can we just be quite clear my child is not
going to be having you know, yes or whatever it
is they're allergic to, not.
Speaker 2 (22:13):
Necessarily even communication thing always though, because actually that it's
one of those generational things where and we were.
Speaker 4 (22:20):
An educational thing.
Speaker 3 (22:21):
Because if someone is educated and still does it, then
I think they're not concerned about the child's welfare because.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
I think there probably is the potential that I mean,
we do actually have more allergies and we have more
diagnosis of things as well. But I think there is
the potential that there's a little less understanding of older
generations and suspicion that modern mothers are too. You know,
there's always one generation of we'll look at another generation
(22:48):
and you can just imagine.
Speaker 4 (22:49):
She's going back.
Speaker 2 (22:50):
She thinks he's it allergic to such and such. Look
he's fine, Look i'll show you. I'll feed himself. But
to be honest, I think that's incredibly dangerous and dodgy behavior.
If somebody says they don't want your child, they don't
want their child to be fed something. I don't care
what you think you're buyed by that law.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
Yeah, Like there's some people that might they might have
views about food nutrition that are different from yours. That
might be you know, like, for instance, some parents like
to give their child a sugar free first year or two.
You know, there's good reasons for that, but it might
not be everybody's. You know, they might not realize, you know.
Speaker 2 (23:25):
I just wanted to kid the kid a lilli.
Speaker 3 (23:26):
You know what's the problem with that? And again it's
you just need to be clear about your expectations about
about that. Another one is giving little kid SIPs of alcohol.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
You know, again that's something that don't do it. If
it's not your child, then then don't do it. No.
But I mean I must have met I even got
in trouble with my wife because I was when we
were traveling. I had some guinness and my daughter said,
can I taste that? And I thought, sip's not going
to hurt it. I don't think I've got in too
much trouble. In fact, it was funny. We actually did
(24:00):
let a sip of something once, just because I knew
she wouldn't like it, And the screw up of the
face that followed was just the best reaction I've ever seen.
It was like, good, we'll log that one.
Speaker 3 (24:10):
No, but I'm rather sad that, you know. So my
kids their first taste of alcohol was over at their
friend's place and their parents gave it to them.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
Yeah, and that's to.
Speaker 3 (24:19):
My way of thinking, not of you know, I think
that would be a giant no.
Speaker 2 (24:23):
No that In fact, I don't know if that problem
would really exist so much these days. I was hoping,
but you never know.
Speaker 3 (24:31):
Not in touch with what the current trends are around that.
But there's but you know, if you think that there's
dumb people out there, you just probably just need to
make sure that people are you know, are aware of
your standards anyway around food, nutrition, things like this.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
Yeah. The other thing that ties them with Christmas, and
it's more of a general theme is and look, everyone
loves getting presents at Christmas and giving and receiving and
all that sort of thing. But do you think, and
this is just I guess, just a general opinions thing,
but where are you at with the present giving? And
(25:09):
have we gone too far? With materialism and all that
sort of stuff, because to me, the analogy that I
would remind people of because there's so much choice and
there's the latest devices and gadgets and PlayStations, all sorts
of things, but it doesn't make any difference to your
child's happiness if their expert because often for one kid,
(25:29):
the simplest a present which they've been hanging out for,
they get that. Nothing else matters. It's like the kid
he gets a new bike. You can give them everything else,
but all they care about is that's what they're going
to focus on, and good on them.
Speaker 3 (25:40):
Go. I just save this is going to be very
very tricky for a lot of families. Apart from one
family in New Zealand, every other family has got those
people that are better off in them and there'll be
that one family that is the very richest in the country,
but everyone else can think of people that are better
than them. And the thing is kids do get an
understanding of where they family lies economically, and that's why
(26:05):
I think major present buying should be done perhaps with
a bit of consultation with the kids, maybe surreptitiously done,
getting them to go through and make up wish lists
and things like this, and to say, and playing imaginary
games like imagine you had one thousand dollars to spend. Okay,
imagine you only had five hundred dollars.
Speaker 2 (26:22):
What would you drop off fifty dollars?
Speaker 3 (26:25):
But you start to get an idea of what they
really want, and also kids are getting the idea of
what things actually cost and everything like this. Hey, if
you're wanting to give your kid a better grounding and
you know, being minimalistic and having a better attitude to materialism,
start this year for next year, because generally kids only
(26:46):
give to get lectures about materialism from their parents when
their kids want something that they're not going to get.
Have you so materialistic or something you know you're made
of money?
Speaker 2 (26:54):
Well I think we actually one of my daughters might
have created a wish list for Christmas, probably in July.
Speaker 3 (27:02):
Hey, look, doesn't it make it easier?
Speaker 2 (27:04):
It's funny though, because.
Speaker 3 (27:06):
But you can shape their expectations that way.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
Yeah, it was. It was a very expansive list. I
was impressive. I was impressed, and we did go through
it with my wife and I'm thinking, wow, she's really
got a hopes.
Speaker 4 (27:17):
Up on this.
Speaker 3 (27:18):
Yeah, well, look if she knows in July that you know,
a pony is off the table, you know about you know,
you might need to set your expectations a little love
and that with a bit of humor, and they will
they realize that.
Speaker 2 (27:32):
Yeah, okay, well we'd love to have your call. So
one hundred and eighty ten eighty. The initial conversation was
just around managing family relationships. But what are the scenarios
that can create difficulties just with you know, people being
slightly irritated with regards to you, your kids, their kids
misbehaving things like that. What are the scenarios you should
(27:54):
try to avoid. You can give us a call on that,
and also just how you avoid conflict at the table.
I'd say tell you what, actually, there were probably some
golden rules on this. Will have a think about that
over the break, can be back in Just to tick
it is twenty three minutes to six on news talks,
he'd be it's weird and welcome back to the weekend collective.
(28:57):
Is this this band aid? I think is that I
can't remember who that was a bit of bono there
wasn't it. I can't remember all the voices and that,
but that cosh that's going back a while, isn't it,
John Cownton, It is.
Speaker 3 (29:08):
I saw a program on the making of the American
one that was very intriguing.
Speaker 4 (29:12):
Yeah, but they did it all on one night.
Speaker 3 (29:15):
The who was that the was it band aid or
the American equivalent.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
Of y because something can muddle up with Bob Goldoff
who probably a part of this one, but he did
feed the world, wasn't it. Ye Oh, oh, this is due.
They know it's Christmas time at all? Hey, John, just
looking ahead to Christmas? What you got any tips for
people in terms of just, you know, attitudes to take
(29:41):
when you hop on the plane or you jump in
the car.
Speaker 3 (29:44):
Well, if you're if you're planning Christmas at your place
and you're inviting people and their kids and everything like that,
could I just say take your ego off for me
and you, because if you're worrying so much about what
people are going to think or if people are going
to get on everything like that, No, just realize that
there are going to be a whole bunch of human
beings and there might be testy interactions with between some
(30:05):
of them, but it's not you. It's not your fault,
and you can be a spectator to a large extent,
you're probably not going to fix it, and worrying about
it ahead of time probably isn't going to fix it.
Speaker 4 (30:13):
Much at all.
Speaker 3 (30:14):
Another thing is have some have the meal time shortish,
have breaks, get up and do things, rather than expect
a whole lot of people to be gathered around a
table for two and a half hours because you've got
a huge eating you know, actually extravaganza, and break it up,
and also allow kids to leave the table. You know,
(30:36):
kids can eat and be gone in ten minutes and
to hold them there for an.
Speaker 4 (30:41):
Hour or two is going to invite all.
Speaker 3 (30:43):
Sorts of friction and everything like that. And so get them,
you know, let them go off, or have a separate
table and have games ready for them to play, or
a movie that they are on watch.
Speaker 2 (30:52):
Actually, when I think of Christmas Day, the moments that
actually I do oh, I don't want to use the
word cherish, but the ones the thoughts that come to mind,
generally it's around the meal, you know, they arrive of
people and the sharing of presents with your kids. I
care about presents for the adults and stuff, but it's
actually getting just getting things going and people in the kitchen,
(31:15):
starting to make things up and the whole thing. It's
actually everything but the eating of the meal. In a way,
it's the preparation. It's somebody's going to fire up the barbecue.
Speaker 4 (31:27):
It's funny.
Speaker 2 (31:28):
I think that's what resonates with me. It's the preparation
time that feels, you know, I find I don't know,
I find it the most. It's but like the rehearsal
can be more enjoyable than the performance.
Speaker 3 (31:37):
It's also more fun if you know what you're expected
to do, and it's less fun if you discover that
you've been sitting there watching something on Telly and people
have been expecting you to help in the kitchen.
Speaker 4 (31:47):
That's not fun.
Speaker 3 (31:49):
And so you know, if you feel free to divvy
up jobs and give people expectations and have kids running
around doing things for you, and that type of thing
just helps the Christmas Day just run a bit more smoothly.
Speaker 2 (32:03):
And yeah, devices, actually that is another one. In fact,
I can't believe I didn't embrace this earlier because it's
a two edged sword device is a great way to
distract the Kurds. Yes, do you need to just drop
the standards for Christmas Day?
Speaker 3 (32:17):
I think so all you see, because you're getting through
a long and perhaps you know it can be stressful.
You just imagine you kids are tired from traveling. They
probably had too much sugar and colon and so you know,
they only little doses of dopamine from their screen.
Speaker 2 (32:34):
I think I haven't actually discussed this with my wife
about this actually, because I think the rule will be
while people are arriving and we're socializing, that phone is
somewhere where you can't find it, and when they get naked,
when they're a bit tired, and you know they're just
getting a bit unreasonable.
Speaker 3 (32:54):
It's pace, it's timing, it's scheduling, it's all those sorts
of things to get through possibly a long day. And yeah,
it's good to also school your kids on skill your
kids up on how to give thanks and be grateful
and to you know, to read the card first before
you rip into a present, all that type of thing.
Speaker 2 (33:12):
You know, that has to be it has to be
the most ignored piece of advice, doesn't it read it?
You know, they get the present and they just start no, no, stop, stop, stop,
who's it from?
Speaker 3 (33:22):
No? No, That's what I think you do need a
bit of adult around there otherwise. And I have been
to Christmas days like this where there was just every
child went in and opened every present and it was
over in perhaps two minutes, and you know, the giver
of the gifts were feeling a little bit mythed that
their particular present wasn't appreciated and the kids hardly noticed
(33:43):
their presence that they got. You could spread that out
and have a lot more fun and enjoyment by just
putting the brakes on a little bit around some of
the some.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
Of the things that became It become a isn't it
funny the things that do just can it can ruin
your day as a kid because I used to like
the fact that Mum would dish out the presence, and
then one sibling would volunteer, Can I give out the presents?
And I'd be like, I don't want them to give
them out the presence, that's mum's job. Really really rain
(34:14):
because I don't know it. Wasn't it a funny little
thing that I was like, no, no, no, no, that's
mum's job. No one else has given the presents out.
Speaker 3 (34:22):
That's the thing Also about Christmas is that it's when
the traditions happen and they get ironed into your psyche,
don't they so move makes Christmas special in the future.
Speaker 2 (34:32):
Traditions for your family Do they come about just because
it's happened, or do you actually can you manufacture tradition?
Speaker 3 (34:39):
We manufactured traditions. We've got lots of traditions that we've
picked up from other people, like having pajamas the night
before Christmas. On Christmas Eve, everyone gets a new set
of pajamas, and yeah, and and you are usually allowed
to open one present. And then at on Christmas Day,
we wait until everyone's there before we start opening. There
(35:00):
will be a few things at the end of the
bed that can open straight away, or perhaps one thing
from under the t tree. But then we wait till
everyone's there. We all sit around all all the presents
are distributed, and you go around you open.
Speaker 2 (35:11):
Them one at a time.
Speaker 3 (35:11):
It's takes a long time, you like, and everyone appreciates
what the who gave what.
Speaker 2 (35:18):
We slightly overlap it so well, somebody's about to unveil it.
And if it's getting a bit slow, we might say, okay,
hand one out to such and such. Just get into it.
And of course it's the child. It's open with them.
What are you doing for Christmas?
Speaker 3 (35:33):
You've got a big family, go, oh yeah, we're going
down to see my mother in law down and Dunedin
the day before Christmas and then up to my son's
place in christ Church. And so my other son is
coming down and yeah, it's going to be a bit
of a family get together in christ Church. On one
of my kids is going to be spending Christmas with
her in laws, but the rest of us will be
(35:53):
gathering in christ Church with what.
Speaker 2 (35:56):
Sort of numbers are we talking?
Speaker 3 (35:57):
Well, we'll be gathering together with my daughter in law's family,
so it'll be I don't know, quite a big one,
quite a big family.
Speaker 4 (36:04):
So good.
Speaker 3 (36:05):
That's fun seeing. However, people do it too well. Thanks
Hey John, Merry Christmas to you. Thanks for coming in
my pleasure squad.
Speaker 2 (36:10):
And also I've appreciated your festive shirts that you've worn
each join you coming. I should have taken a photo.
They're not that festive, but they're always bring a bit
of color and line.
Speaker 4 (36:20):
Oh thank you.
Speaker 3 (36:21):
Your life needs a bit more bit more excitement.
Speaker 2 (36:24):
I gave you a hard time when you came in
wearing a very festive looking shirt. And I said, what
have you been doing? He said, I've just been appreciating
at a funeral. Good on you anyway, Thanks so much, John.
That wraps the Parents Squad. We'll be back to have
a chat about sport. Christopher Reeve joins us from the
New Zealand Herald and it is now eleven minutes to
(36:47):
Sex News Talks.
Speaker 1 (36:48):
Be for more from the weekend collective. Listen live to
News Talks'd be weekends from three pm, or follow the
podcast on iHeartRadio.
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talks
B This is Christmas.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Ther Ah, yes, so this is Christmas. Actually there's another
(00:53):
song that I sort of hated for a while and
then I listened to it again. It's pretty good. But
like the Pogues when I when I everyone wants to
hear the Pogues, and I listened to it and now
I'm thrashing at to death. Uh. Anyway, my guest, this
is the parent Squad, My guests, what he's no stranger.
I'm just going to tell you his name. It's John
cow And John Hello.
Speaker 3 (01:13):
It's always good to be here. And I know why
you're starting to like these songs. Why And I've got
a few more years experience, so I can speak speak authoritatively.
You're getting and so these winks into the underneath your
emotional gamba and you start to feel all soft and
gushy about it. I think, problem, you're getting more emotional
(01:33):
as yet, old aunt you?
Speaker 2 (01:34):
Oh god, yeah, mind you. I've always been a bit
of a slightly soft touch with things. I still remember
seeing a movie called Shadowlands with Anthony Hopkinson and I
sat there with a friend of mine she and it
was one of back years ago, probably thirty years ago,
I think twenty five, and we both went, We're just
sitting there and you know the scenes that would eke
(01:56):
at your emotions, and I was just about sobbing the
way through it, and we were both shielding. We were
sitting there without elbows, you know, when you you lean
and you perch with your with your chin on your
on your hand, but you're really just shielding because you
don't want them to see what a what an absolute
mess you are. And then I turned to her. She
was doing the same thing, and we looked at each
(02:17):
other and sort of burst out laughing because we were like, oh, but.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
Look, I'm a mess watching Disney cartoon, so a good
butter going, but I mean.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
Hopefully you're not doing the good old what are the
old the old Disney you are? I'm thinking Warner Brothers,
you know.
Speaker 3 (02:34):
No, No, I'm thinking about you know, things like Dumbbo
saying goodbye to his mother or.
Speaker 4 (02:40):
Yeah, well there you go, there you go.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
They years more experience than you know. I'm My decrepitude
is beyond mentioned, really.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
Actually, because I did a Christmas concert with north Shaw
Brass a week and a bit ago. I think it was.
Was it two weeks ago? Time flies? It was two
weeks ago? Goodness me? And there's a there's a song
that I was doing called have You for Merry Little Christmas?
And it's a beautiful orchestration, and there's just something about
there's a part in that song just with the verse
(03:11):
and the lyrics and the music where it is I
definitely have soften. But now if I think of my
parents at the same time, I've got to really take
a couple of deep breaths in between phrases, otherwise I'm
a goner. Anyway, there we go. Look, isn't it? Isn't
it nice though, to be reminded, you know, these are
the things that make us human, isn't it? The emotions
surface at Christmas because often people remembering family members who
(03:34):
are no longer with them any longer.
Speaker 3 (03:36):
I sometimes fool myself into some thinking that I am
a skeptical, logical, scientifically minded person.
Speaker 4 (03:43):
But there's an awful lot.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
That physics around in my brain that I just have
to put down to the fact that you know, I'm
a human being.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
I've got a friend of mine who is an incredibly
highly placed scientist, and the scientist community, she got PhD.
She's worked in all over the world, and she even
uses the expressions she said, Oh, such and such, this
is what I'm thinking about, and it's a little bit
woo woos. That's who we're. The things that you know,
the newmanus, the things you can't really yeah, you think
no matter what science tells me, I still even out
(04:11):
again think.
Speaker 4 (04:13):
No, yeah, I don't know what it is.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
But anyway, hey, look at us Christmas time, and actually
I want to there are a couple of things, broadly speaking,
and we want your calls on eight hundred and eighty
t and eighty on how much leeway you need to
Then let's focus on the parenting here, because they're often
adult disagreements and all those sorts of things at Christmas.
(04:36):
But how do you manage the get togethers when somebody,
when you might have a guest or a family member
who decides that they're going to I don't know, maybe
better do a little bit more parenting of your child
because maybe you're not doing it. And how do you
negotiout that sort of stuff when people are maybe telling
your kids off when you think they're not doing anything
particularly wrong, or maybe commenting that they've put too much
(05:00):
food on their plate or things like that. I guess
the broader question is with children in mind, as I say,
because it's the parent squad, how do you navigate those
How do you navigate those things? Do you just suck
it up? Because guess what? And by the way, I'm
not talking about I'm not talking about my in laws
or anything like that, just in case anyone wants to
(05:21):
report back and say, oh, Tim was having our crack
at the in laws. Of course we actually have quite
a nice time together. But we can all imagine those
Christmases where the extended family get together and there's just
that person who just can't help themselves. Do you just
suck it up, John, and just think, you know what,
in a few days time will be going home and
take a deep breath and don't worry about it.
Speaker 3 (05:40):
I think there's lots of opportunities over Christmas to bite
the inside of your mouth and just think, this is
just Christmas.
Speaker 4 (05:46):
I can cope.
Speaker 3 (05:47):
I'll sit back and be a spectator a little bit
as regards making comments on other people's parenting and the
conduct of their kids. Let's just have a look at
the calendar. Twenty twenty four coming up to twenty twenty five.
Sorry that your opportunity to do that expired about forty
years ago. You know, you just don't do that anymore.
(06:07):
And I'm not saying we sound's a good a good thing.
I'm just saying, you know, back in the day, any
adult could basically, you know, pull up any other person's
kids for their manners. They could, I mean, and in
other cultures it still happens. A friend had, a friend
(06:28):
told me that they had a person from another country
staying with them and their child started their own child
started grizzling about something, and this guest from the other
country came across and smacked their kid.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
What well true?
Speaker 3 (06:42):
And so look wrong, wrong decade, wrong era, wrong culture.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
We don't. I've got an example. I've got an example,
and it's a made up one, by.
Speaker 3 (06:51):
The way, fictician, Well.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
You know, but these are things. It's actually it's actually
examples that I've seen in non Christmas period, and it
was I'll tell the real story and then i'll give
a Christmas example. Okay, So I was sitting in a
cafe years ago and it was not many people there,
and there were I think maybe there were two or
(07:15):
three mums who came in and were having coffee, and
they had they had youngsters, and one was a toddler.
There were further along. It was a bench seat sort
of thing that lots of tables. Just picture a big
r of tables, and at the far end there was
a guy who was just sitting there, maybe doing a
bit of work, writing some notes and having a coffee
and just in a happy place. And one of the
(07:36):
toddlers was was exploring the restaurant, and he was doing
it in a way that was like, oh, this is
really great on me. But he was picking up the coffee,
the salt and sugar, salt and pepper grinderism and thang,
and then he thought that's a cool sound. And he
got louder and louder and closer and closer to this
(07:56):
guy who was focusing on what he was doing, and
the mums actually were oblivious to it, which I thought,
how can you be oblivious to this? I rained my
child in a while ago, and the kid got closer
and then got to this guy's table and picked up
something and he just pointed him and said no kid.
(08:17):
The kid froze, and I was like, hooray.
Speaker 3 (08:22):
Yeah, look I think there's there's degree if you're if
some other kid is starting to monster your kids, for instance,
and starting to bully them or push them around, or
if they're damaging your property or the being or.
Speaker 4 (08:35):
Anything like that.
Speaker 3 (08:35):
Yeah, I think that you have a right, you have
a duty to be to intervene politely. I mean, this
has been a question. There's often men put to me about,
you know, cafe behavior or on aeroplanes when a kid's
kick in the back of your seat or and something
like this.
Speaker 4 (08:51):
So you're allowed to of.
Speaker 3 (08:52):
Course, of course you are well an example at Christmas,
but you do it gently and politely.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
Okay, here we go. Here's a Christmas example, and we're
going to get your feedback on this. And this is
invented based on that scenario, as I can imagine, say,
if I was at a Christmas and someone's child got
given a drum for Christmas and you're sitting.
Speaker 3 (09:13):
People would have bought drums for the nieces.
Speaker 4 (09:16):
You're smiling at the moment.
Speaker 2 (09:17):
It's got to be a prison, isn't it. And they're
banging it around it and after a while it gets
louder and louder, and you're sort of like I just
and no one else is paying attention. And I think
there would be a part of me that would be
wanting to say to the child, if you bang that
drum one more time, I'm going to take it out
into the garden and sit on it. But yeah, how
would you how would you handle that? Because someone just.
Speaker 4 (09:40):
Distraction is always a good one.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:42):
If you bring them over there and say, can you
and can you see my imaginary drumsticks it's and you
pretend to drum on it, they would just go, no,
I've got a real one.
Speaker 4 (09:55):
Maybe I'm geraated.
Speaker 3 (09:56):
Than you are, you see though, But you know, distraction
or can you go out there and say and play
your drum for the dahlias in the garden or something
like that. Distraction sometimes works better deflecting rather than telling
them off.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
I wouldn't actually, actually, I think I think I just
removed myself.
Speaker 4 (10:15):
You can.
Speaker 3 (10:17):
Removing yourself is not a bad one if it's a
temporary situation. If this is going to be ongoing, you know,
then you might have a word with the parents later
on and just say I'm very sensitive to noise or
something like that. Making some appeal to something like I
find having hearing aids is great. I can say I'm
sorry that rattles my hearing aids at all.
Speaker 2 (10:35):
Oh. Actually, if you've got the really fancy hearing aids,
you just turn up the noise canceling and sit there
as if nothing's going on. Actually, if you got hearing aids,
just take them out.
Speaker 3 (10:47):
A good drummer can get through all that too.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
I actually, now I've crowded that fictitious scenario. I worked
out what I would do. I probably would do. I
think I'm probably this brazen that I would distract the
child and then I would hide the drum and pretend
I had no idea where it was mean Uncle Tom. Luckily,
I don't think we have to.
Speaker 3 (11:07):
Worry about it, setting limits around things like and say, excess,
can you play your drum really, really loud for the
next ten seconds and then give it a rest or
something like that. So rather than just saying a hard no,
or give it doing it in an angry way, if
you can do it, give an instruction and a fun way,
turn it into a game, distrac them onto something quieter,
to deflect them somewhere else that's always better, and or
(11:31):
else just rather than embarrassing the parent. If the parents
are with another group of friends, you can just go
across and crouch down load to them and just say, oh,
I hope you don't think I'm being too grumpy, but
I'm just I'm afraid I'm not very good at handling noise.
Put it back on yourself and people are much less
likely to take offense rather than saying you're an appalling
(11:52):
parent of appalling children, which would be the closer to
the truth. But if you put it back on yourself
and look, I'm just a little bit you know, I
can't quite handle the noise at the moment, I would
really really appreciated child had something quantity to play with.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
If you're listening and you've had an awkward moment at Christmas.
In terms of managing that, the family relationships with kids,
I tell you the one one of the ones that
might be a little more common might be older kids
whose language is a bit more floral than when there
are little kids around and navigating those sorts of things.
Speaker 3 (12:28):
Because adults in the room that are using it's funny
because I mean I've used on talkback the word bloody
or the B words to.
Speaker 2 (12:35):
Me and ever since the Toyota ad, you know, yes,
bagar seems to be, but there are some people who
still find that and I think to me, I always
think it depends on the style of delivery. If you're
angry and you're using lots of aggressive words, then that's
worse than a flippant sort of you know, dropping the
wrong word. But that would be one where you know,
(12:57):
navigating those areas where people don't necessarily have the same
view on people's language, or even just thinks that might
be seen as either mildly or extremely blasphemois to people
who are religious and not monitoring those things.
Speaker 4 (13:12):
It's a cultural clash, there isn't it.
Speaker 3 (13:14):
And very hard to set standards for someone else's family,
but within your own family, just say you're dreaming if
you expect you kids are going to have a better
standard around their language or anything than you, to be honest,
So it's your own example that you attend to if
you're thinking, I want my kids to know the boundaries
between a speech which is going to win them friends
(13:37):
and language which is going to put other people off them.
And so it's a skill. And yeah, of course there
may be well be a place for Florida language to
and in certain context that might be right, but little
you can't. You can't expect little kids to know that
they have to learn it, and so we are not
serving them well if we don't teach kids that some
(13:58):
language is okay in front of your Grandma, and some
languages and some language you can use in front of
Uncle Ted, but you wouldn't use it in front of
Artim because you.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
Know she's a shocker. Mary.
Speaker 3 (14:10):
You know, it's a skill, and our duty is to
teach kids language skills that are going to get them
where they want to go. And if they if they
learn up, you know, learn to speak without knowing the
distinction between the power of some words. You know you've
deserved them.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
Actually to be to be fair in a way. Often
when we imagine what could go wrong at Christmas is
the scenarios I've painted. Actually, I think they're much less
common generally. I don't know. I don't remember any particularly
uncomfortable Christmases in my lifetime. Whether it be mind you,
if I was the little toddler who is causing the mayhem,
I might not have been aware of it. But you know,
(14:49):
I think we generally are pretty good at getting on
the mone.
Speaker 4 (14:52):
I think so.
Speaker 3 (14:53):
By the way, it's not the kids that usually cause
the problems at Christmas. So I can't remember the statistic.
I would have looked it up, but a large, a
significant number of Christmases end up getting unhappy really because
of adults having fights, siblings any to ever but too
much alcohol, arguing over politics or religion or or something
(15:15):
and just got in with each other. And so look,
it's not an insignificant thing.
Speaker 2 (15:19):
I'm always nervous when I meet people at Christmas time,
and you were the editor at a merry sort of function.
This is not so much on the parenting, but it's
just you know, these general social But it's funny. I mean,
I express myself, I have to on this job quite freely.
But when I meet someone and I don't know whether
they're a listener or not, I'm quite terrified of expressing
any opinion because I just because I can't hang up.
Speaker 3 (15:42):
You don't ever dumb switch, You can't slide the slider
down on them. Look, go to an AD break, that would.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
Be Would that be a good way to diffuse it,
I'd say, Look, normally i'd just go to an AD
break right now, but can we can we change the
topic instead?
Speaker 4 (15:58):
Yeah, that might look yeah, that is cool.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
Apparently there's some research that says the average family will
have around five arguments on Christmas Day, Yeah, five big ones.
Speaker 4 (16:09):
Or I don't know, I don't know. You've got the
research in front of you.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
That No, that's is My producer has a way of
sending me little messages just with these little little tip
bits of information. But we'd like to earn you. How
have you how have you navigated you know, the awkward
Christmas is because some they say you can choose your friends,
but you can't choose your family. Have you had any
instances we have sort of had to monitor someone else's child,
(16:34):
or or that somebody else has butted in on the
way you were raising your child? And how have you
handled that without it becoming something like I can't wait
to get out of here on Boxing Day. Give us
a call. I wait one hundred eighty ten eighty text
nine two nine two. We've got lots of things to
talk about here, John and I, but we'd love your participation.
We'll be back in just a moment. Twenty three past five.
Speaker 4 (16:59):
You help them, held them say.
Speaker 2 (17:06):
Synodyl his oranged all of childrens angersty.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
He comes Sana who comes Shana out Santa Claus.
Speaker 2 (17:31):
Here we go. There's a little bit of Elvis and
actually the female voice here there is Leanne Rhimes. I
think so one of those re recorded things where you've
got the legend in the background and you tack it
onto your album and and just count the royalties. Anyway,
welcome back to the parents squad. By the way, I
think the question I really wouldn't need to put out
there in terms of not how to resolve it, but
(17:52):
what are the scenarios that can create difficulty with your
kids and families, that create difficulty with families at Christmas?
And then we can talk about how you might resolve them.
But what are the scenarios to avoid? Because that's often though,
That's I think that's the way to go, isn't it.
John Cown, I'm sure that everybody's got a story.
Speaker 3 (18:09):
Yeah, everybody's got a situation they've encountered that it's been
a bit awkward.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
Well, let's let's see what Mary's got to say. Mary, Hello, Hello.
I would just like you. I like you to know
what do you do with the drums that go on
at these sports games.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
All day, all of match?
Speaker 3 (18:28):
How do you deal with them, are you.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
No? I think probably thirty thousand people are probably the
one that was Remember the the Verzellas, Yes, those are
those things that the sports games, the.
Speaker 3 (18:39):
South African of a World Cup, wasn't it that they really?
Speaker 2 (18:43):
What would you do?
Speaker 3 (18:45):
I'm sorry?
Speaker 2 (18:46):
What would you do with the drums? You just had
to put up with them? Or go home? Don't you
what the child at you're at a Christmas party? Yeah?
I would just leave it, or go and hide and
say come and let's pay hide and seek and hide
it with the other children, let him go and find
it or here that sounds like a winning scenario of moon.
Speaker 4 (19:06):
That sounds like a top one.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
Okay, here's one says Hello Tim and John. Thanks for
you call Mary and Merry Christmas. Hello Tim and John.
I'm very close to my three year old grandson. Can
I step into situations? E g? Grandson kept saying Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad,
Dad Dad while Dad was talking to a friend, and
I said, quiet, darling, dad's talking. And that's from Tammy.
(19:29):
That sounds entirely reasonable, because you're doing Dad a favor, actually,
aren't you.
Speaker 4 (19:33):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (19:37):
You could you could then ask ask the child. You
could say, what do you want dad for or something
like that, and then that stops the dad, Dad, Dad,
And also is the kid that the attention that they're wanting.
And because Dad's probably not going to say he's immune
to it. You know, it probably happens five hundred times
a day and he just doesn't hear it. And if
it's annoying you.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
It's amazing what your brain can filter out, doesn't.
Speaker 3 (19:58):
It look amazing and what it can every person before
they think, before they have kids, they're gonna go, you know,
we're not going to be doing that. Our kids aren't
going to be kicking up in the mall or making
noise at restaurants or you know, it's amazing what we
fall into. So yeah, I would just turn your attention
to the child.
Speaker 2 (20:15):
Yeah, this person says, put it this way. This person says,
I had to have a courageous conversation with my sister
in law given her little precious left a picnic bar
in the spar pole on Christmas Day. Yeah, anyway, and
says you can't dump that. Boys.
Speaker 3 (20:36):
Yes, well, the focus is on what next time, you know,
next time fixing it is you know that's going to
be pool maintenance.
Speaker 4 (20:45):
That's fixing that.
Speaker 3 (20:46):
But if you don't want it next time, you just
got to make sure of that. Kids, no next time,
no food anywherey of that pool.
Speaker 2 (20:52):
Well, actually, here's a more serious one attendst that says,
my mother in law's favorite activity at any family gathering.
I don't think, I hope she's not doing this deliberately,
is to try try and my son something that he's
allergic to. So I have to step in to stop
her and tell her, and then her spending the rest
of the afternoon telling everyone how controlling I am and
(21:14):
how I don't even trust her to help feed him. Now,
actually that is that matters, as you know. And I
imagine this story comes from someone thinking, oh, he's not
really allergic. She's such a fussy mum. Look, I'll give
him some peanut, but he'll be fine. Yes, And actually
that is serious.
Speaker 3 (21:32):
It's a bit of an inter generational awareness thing that
people are more aware of elligens and things like that.
And so, yeah, you know, if that mother in law
genuinely knows the child's allergic to it and still persists
in doing it, she's a psychopath. Okay, so is obviously
(21:52):
assuming that she's not a psychopath, you've got to assume
that there's a communication error. You've got to actually say, hey,
this is a real medical thing. We're not trying to
be fussy or to be overly controlling or anything like that.
Can we just be quite clear my child is not
going to be having you know, yes or whatever it
is they're allergic to, not.
Speaker 2 (22:13):
Necessarily even communication thing always though, because actually that it's
one of those generational things where and we were.
Speaker 4 (22:20):
An educational thing.
Speaker 3 (22:21):
Because if someone is educated and still does it, then
I think they're not concerned about the child's welfare because.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
I think there probably is the potential that I mean,
we do actually have more allergies and we have more
diagnosis of things as well. But I think there is
the potential that there's a little less understanding of older
generations and suspicion that modern mothers are too. You know,
there's always one generation of we'll look at another generation
(22:48):
and you can just imagine.
Speaker 4 (22:49):
She's going back.
Speaker 2 (22:50):
She thinks he's it allergic to such and such. Look
he's fine, Look i'll show you. I'll feed himself. But
to be honest, I think that's incredibly dangerous and dodgy behavior.
If somebody says they don't want your child, they don't
want their child to be fed something. I don't care
what you think you're buyed by that law.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
Yeah, Like there's some people that might they might have
views about food nutrition that are different from yours. That
might be you know, like, for instance, some parents like
to give their child a sugar free first year or two.
You know, there's good reasons for that, but it might
not be everybody's. You know, they might not realize, you know.
Speaker 2 (23:25):
I just wanted to kid the kid a lilli.
Speaker 3 (23:26):
You know what's the problem with that? And again it's
you just need to be clear about your expectations about
about that. Another one is giving little kid SIPs of alcohol.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
You know, again that's something that don't do it. If
it's not your child, then then don't do it. No.
But I mean I must have met I even got
in trouble with my wife because I was when we
were traveling. I had some guinness and my daughter said,
can I taste that? And I thought, sip's not going
to hurt it. I don't think I've got in too
much trouble. In fact, it was funny. We actually did
(24:00):
let a sip of something once, just because I knew
she wouldn't like it, And the screw up of the
face that followed was just the best reaction I've ever seen.
It was like, good, we'll log that one.
Speaker 3 (24:10):
No, but I'm rather sad that, you know. So my
kids their first taste of alcohol was over at their
friend's place and their parents gave it to them.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
Yeah, and that's to.
Speaker 3 (24:19):
My way of thinking, not of you know, I think
that would be a giant no.
Speaker 2 (24:23):
No that In fact, I don't know if that problem
would really exist so much these days. I was hoping,
but you never know.
Speaker 3 (24:31):
Not in touch with what the current trends are around that.
But there's but you know, if you think that there's
dumb people out there, you just probably just need to
make sure that people are you know, are aware of
your standards anyway around food, nutrition, things like this.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
Yeah. The other thing that ties them with Christmas, and
it's more of a general theme is and look, everyone
loves getting presents at Christmas and giving and receiving and
all that sort of thing. But do you think, and
this is just I guess, just a general opinions thing,
but where are you at with the present giving? And
(25:09):
have we gone too far? With materialism and all that
sort of stuff, because to me, the analogy that I
would remind people of because there's so much choice and
there's the latest devices and gadgets and PlayStations, all sorts
of things, but it doesn't make any difference to your
child's happiness if their expert because often for one kid,
(25:29):
the simplest a present which they've been hanging out for,
they get that. Nothing else matters. It's like the kid
he gets a new bike. You can give them everything else,
but all they care about is that's what they're going
to focus on, and good on them.
Speaker 3 (25:40):
Go. I just save this is going to be very
very tricky for a lot of families. Apart from one
family in New Zealand, every other family has got those
people that are better off in them and there'll be
that one family that is the very richest in the country,
but everyone else can think of people that are better
than them. And the thing is kids do get an
understanding of where they family lies economically, and that's why
(26:05):
I think major present buying should be done perhaps with
a bit of consultation with the kids, maybe surreptitiously done,
getting them to go through and make up wish lists
and things like this, and to say, and playing imaginary
games like imagine you had one thousand dollars to spend. Okay,
imagine you only had five hundred dollars.
Speaker 2 (26:22):
What would you drop off fifty dollars?
Speaker 3 (26:25):
But you start to get an idea of what they
really want, and also kids are getting the idea of
what things actually cost and everything like this. Hey, if
you're wanting to give your kid a better grounding and
you know, being minimalistic and having a better attitude to materialism,
start this year for next year, because generally kids only
(26:46):
give to get lectures about materialism from their parents when
their kids want something that they're not going to get.
Have you so materialistic or something you know you're made
of money?
Speaker 2 (26:54):
Well I think we actually one of my daughters might
have created a wish list for Christmas, probably in July.
Speaker 3 (27:02):
Hey, look, doesn't it make it easier?
Speaker 2 (27:04):
It's funny though, because.
Speaker 3 (27:06):
But you can shape their expectations that way.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
Yeah, it was. It was a very expansive list. I
was impressive. I was impressed, and we did go through
it with my wife and I'm thinking, wow, she's really
got a hopes.
Speaker 4 (27:17):
Up on this.
Speaker 3 (27:18):
Yeah, well, look if she knows in July that you know,
a pony is off the table, you know about you know,
you might need to set your expectations a little love
and that with a bit of humor, and they will
they realize that.
Speaker 2 (27:32):
Yeah, okay, well we'd love to have your call. So
one hundred and eighty ten eighty. The initial conversation was
just around managing family relationships. But what are the scenarios
that can create difficulties just with you know, people being
slightly irritated with regards to you, your kids, their kids
misbehaving things like that. What are the scenarios you should
(27:54):
try to avoid. You can give us a call on that,
and also just how you avoid conflict at the table.
I'd say tell you what, actually, there were probably some
golden rules on this. Will have a think about that
over the break, can be back in Just to tick
it is twenty three minutes to six on news talks,
he'd be it's weird and welcome back to the weekend collective.
(28:57):
Is this this band aid? I think is that I
can't remember who that was a bit of bono there
wasn't it. I can't remember all the voices and that,
but that cosh that's going back a while, isn't it,
John Cownton, It is.
Speaker 3 (29:08):
I saw a program on the making of the American
one that was very intriguing.
Speaker 4 (29:12):
Yeah, but they did it all on one night.
Speaker 3 (29:15):
The who was that the was it band aid or
the American equivalent.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
Of y because something can muddle up with Bob Goldoff
who probably a part of this one, but he did
feed the world, wasn't it. Ye Oh, oh, this is due.
They know it's Christmas time at all? Hey, John, just
looking ahead to Christmas? What you got any tips for
people in terms of just, you know, attitudes to take
(29:41):
when you hop on the plane or you jump in
the car.
Speaker 3 (29:44):
Well, if you're if you're planning Christmas at your place
and you're inviting people and their kids and everything like that,
could I just say take your ego off for me
and you, because if you're worrying so much about what
people are going to think or if people are going
to get on everything like that, No, just realize that
there are going to be a whole bunch of human
beings and there might be testy interactions with between some
(30:05):
of them, but it's not you. It's not your fault,
and you can be a spectator to a large extent,
you're probably not going to fix it, and worrying about
it ahead of time probably isn't going to fix it.
Speaker 4 (30:13):
Much at all.
Speaker 3 (30:14):
Another thing is have some have the meal time shortish,
have breaks, get up and do things, rather than expect
a whole lot of people to be gathered around a
table for two and a half hours because you've got
a huge eating you know, actually extravaganza, and break it up,
and also allow kids to leave the table. You know,
(30:36):
kids can eat and be gone in ten minutes and
to hold them there for an.
Speaker 4 (30:41):
Hour or two is going to invite all.
Speaker 3 (30:43):
Sorts of friction and everything like that. And so get them,
you know, let them go off, or have a separate
table and have games ready for them to play, or
a movie that they are on watch.
Speaker 2 (30:52):
Actually, when I think of Christmas Day, the moments that
actually I do oh, I don't want to use the
word cherish, but the ones the thoughts that come to mind,
generally it's around the meal, you know, they arrive of
people and the sharing of presents with your kids. I
care about presents for the adults and stuff, but it's
actually getting just getting things going and people in the kitchen,
(31:15):
starting to make things up and the whole thing. It's
actually everything but the eating of the meal. In a way,
it's the preparation. It's somebody's going to fire up the barbecue.
Speaker 4 (31:27):
It's funny.
Speaker 2 (31:28):
I think that's what resonates with me. It's the preparation
time that feels, you know, I find I don't know,
I find it the most. It's but like the rehearsal
can be more enjoyable than the performance.
Speaker 3 (31:37):
It's also more fun if you know what you're expected
to do, and it's less fun if you discover that
you've been sitting there watching something on Telly and people
have been expecting you to help in the kitchen.
Speaker 4 (31:47):
That's not fun.
Speaker 3 (31:49):
And so you know, if you feel free to divvy
up jobs and give people expectations and have kids running
around doing things for you, and that type of thing
just helps the Christmas Day just run a bit more smoothly.
Speaker 2 (32:03):
And yeah, devices, actually that is another one. In fact,
I can't believe I didn't embrace this earlier because it's
a two edged sword device is a great way to
distract the Kurds. Yes, do you need to just drop
the standards for Christmas Day?
Speaker 3 (32:17):
I think so all you see, because you're getting through
a long and perhaps you know it can be stressful.
You just imagine you kids are tired from traveling. They
probably had too much sugar and colon and so you know,
they only little doses of dopamine from their screen.
Speaker 2 (32:34):
I think I haven't actually discussed this with my wife
about this actually, because I think the rule will be
while people are arriving and we're socializing, that phone is
somewhere where you can't find it, and when they get naked,
when they're a bit tired, and you know they're just
getting a bit unreasonable.
Speaker 3 (32:54):
It's pace, it's timing, it's scheduling, it's all those sorts
of things to get through possibly a long day. And yeah,
it's good to also school your kids on skill your
kids up on how to give thanks and be grateful
and to you know, to read the card first before
you rip into a present, all that type of thing.
Speaker 2 (33:12):
You know, that has to be it has to be
the most ignored piece of advice, doesn't it read it?
You know, they get the present and they just start no, no, stop, stop, stop,
who's it from?
Speaker 3 (33:22):
No? No, That's what I think you do need a
bit of adult around there otherwise. And I have been
to Christmas days like this where there was just every
child went in and opened every present and it was
over in perhaps two minutes, and you know, the giver
of the gifts were feeling a little bit mythed that
their particular present wasn't appreciated and the kids hardly noticed
(33:43):
their presence that they got. You could spread that out
and have a lot more fun and enjoyment by just
putting the brakes on a little bit around some of
the some.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
Of the things that became It become a isn't it
funny the things that do just can it can ruin
your day as a kid because I used to like
the fact that Mum would dish out the presence, and
then one sibling would volunteer, Can I give out the presents?
And I'd be like, I don't want them to give
them out the presence, that's mum's job. Really really rain
(34:14):
because I don't know it. Wasn't it a funny little
thing that I was like, no, no, no, no, that's
mum's job. No one else has given the presents out.
Speaker 3 (34:22):
That's the thing Also about Christmas is that it's when
the traditions happen and they get ironed into your psyche,
don't they so move makes Christmas special in the future.
Speaker 2 (34:32):
Traditions for your family Do they come about just because
it's happened, or do you actually can you manufacture tradition?
Speaker 3 (34:39):
We manufactured traditions. We've got lots of traditions that we've
picked up from other people, like having pajamas the night
before Christmas. On Christmas Eve, everyone gets a new set
of pajamas, and yeah, and and you are usually allowed
to open one present. And then at on Christmas Day,
we wait until everyone's there before we start opening. There
(35:00):
will be a few things at the end of the
bed that can open straight away, or perhaps one thing
from under the t tree. But then we wait till
everyone's there. We all sit around all all the presents
are distributed, and you go around you open.
Speaker 2 (35:11):
Them one at a time.
Speaker 3 (35:11):
It's takes a long time, you like, and everyone appreciates
what the who gave what.
Speaker 2 (35:18):
We slightly overlap it so well, somebody's about to unveil it.
And if it's getting a bit slow, we might say, okay,
hand one out to such and such. Just get into it.
And of course it's the child. It's open with them.
What are you doing for Christmas?
Speaker 3 (35:33):
You've got a big family, go, oh yeah, we're going
down to see my mother in law down and Dunedin
the day before Christmas and then up to my son's
place in christ Church. And so my other son is
coming down and yeah, it's going to be a bit
of a family get together in christ Church. On one
of my kids is going to be spending Christmas with
her in laws, but the rest of us will be
(35:53):
gathering in christ Church with what.
Speaker 2 (35:56):
Sort of numbers are we talking?
Speaker 3 (35:57):
Well, we'll be gathering together with my daughter in law's family,
so it'll be I don't know, quite a big one,
quite a big family.
Speaker 4 (36:04):
So good.
Speaker 3 (36:05):
That's fun seeing. However, people do it too well. Thanks
Hey John, Merry Christmas to you. Thanks for coming in
my pleasure squad.
Speaker 2 (36:10):
And also I've appreciated your festive shirts that you've worn
each join you coming. I should have taken a photo.
They're not that festive, but they're always bring a bit
of color and line.
Speaker 4 (36:20):
Oh thank you.
Speaker 3 (36:21):
Your life needs a bit more bit more excitement.
Speaker 2 (36:24):
I gave you a hard time when you came in
wearing a very festive looking shirt. And I said, what
have you been doing? He said, I've just been appreciating
at a funeral. Good on you anyway, Thanks so much, John.
That wraps the Parents Squad. We'll be back to have
a chat about sport. Christopher Reeve joins us from the
New Zealand Herald and it is now eleven minutes to
(36:47):
Sex News Talks.
Speaker 1 (36:48):
Be for more from the weekend collective. Listen live to
News Talks'd be weekends from three pm, or follow the
podcast on iHeartRadio.
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