February 1, 2025 • 36 mins
Prince William himself recently admitted that when asked what they had learnt at school that day, his children respond with "nothing".
But how much of the anxiety around change is really coming from the child, and how much is being projected onto the child by their parents?
LISTEN ABOVE
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talk Sedby.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Is a team to bring down the gardens of us
not much talk Today.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
Series and.
Speaker 4 (00:42):
Yes, welcome back to the Weekend Collective. I tell you
one person who's loving our theme music for the show today.
And then my producer Tyri, she's almost having a party
out there. Welcome to the show. If you've missed any
of the previous hours, by the way, you can go
and check out our podcast go to the News talksy
B website or iHeartRadio. But right now it is time
for the Parents Squad. My guest is parenting expert. He's
well known to News Talks audiences. I'm just gonna say,
(01:04):
John Karen.
Speaker 5 (01:05):
Good, Afternoon, Afternoon, first for twenty twenty five? How did
I get to get to twenty twenty five so soon?
I'm a sort of a refugee from the twentieth century
and here I am quarter of the way into the
twenty first century.
Speaker 4 (01:18):
You can probably remember Marianne Faithful who was in the
news other night.
Speaker 5 (01:21):
Can I loved her early stuff before laryng ngitis and
heroin sort of made a voice or croaky. I know
people love the croaky voice. But you listen to some
of the first stuff that she's sang, and it was
beautiful and pure and it was just lovely good stuff.
Speaker 4 (01:34):
Yeah, I have nothing to I couldn't hum a single tune,
although I've heard one. I probably go was that her? Anyway?
Not only twenty twenty five, John, But it's February twenty
twenty five.
Speaker 6 (01:47):
Just trying to going so fast? Make it stop?
Speaker 4 (01:50):
Yes, slow down. Well, I've just worked out my oldest daughter,
who to me is in her early stages of education,
is now actually almost halfway through her secondary school education.
You know. Her sister said, oh, Lily is going to
be a senior next year, and I was like, I
(02:12):
am not. I mean a senior is I think you
Form five? Whatever it is, I'm not ready for it.
I'm just not ready. Were you ready for your kids
to grow up?
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (02:21):
I'm still not.
Speaker 5 (02:21):
I'm not ready for me growing up. I've been putting
off puberty for the last fifty years. You think it's
probably time that I probably embraced that.
Speaker 4 (02:30):
Well, you know, the probably the hinters that you've every
now and again, it looks like you shave putting off puberty. Anyway. Look,
it is that time of the year where there's a
lot of change going on, and I was I'm not
sure if this is of any soulist people who are
you know, worry about their kids, well one adapting to
the change. Look to be honest, I don't think the
(02:51):
change we're talking about is so much your little boy
or girl starting school, because to me, most kids when
they start school, it seems to be a fairly exciting
time for them, isn't it. Well, as opposed to maybe
later on shifting from you know, intermediate to secondary or whatever.
What are the more traumatic times?
Speaker 6 (03:10):
Well?
Speaker 5 (03:10):
Are they that all those transitions? But could I just
say four out of five kids handle stressful situations like
that really well?
Speaker 6 (03:18):
Four out of five times.
Speaker 5 (03:20):
I just snatched those figures out of the air. But
I think it wouldn't be too far from the truth
that most of us came through those times. Most of
your kids will come through those times pretty well. The
thing that we have to distinguish between is our own
anxiety and our proper concern. And so if we're reading,
you know, signs their kids are stressed, that they're unhappy,
(03:42):
that they are lonely, that they're having trouble struggling struggling. Yeah,
that's a that's an area for concern. But what I
think too often kids have to get exposed to is
their parents' own anxiety projecting on to the children. Are
my children going to be achieving? Are they going to
be socially fitting in? Are they going to be you know?
Are they you know, I'm anxious that my kids are
(04:05):
going to be anxious, and kids pick that up and
think I can feel mum's anxiety, dad's anxiety, and so
is obviously something to be anxious about. They are emotional chameleons. Yeah,
so one of the things that we can really help
our kids with is managing our own anxiety around these things.
Speaker 4 (04:21):
Actually, we'd love to hear from you on this. What
are you worried about with your children making the change?
Because is that a big part of it? Do you
think is just the fact that it's it's parents. I mean,
we can all imagine parents who do pass their anxieties on.
It's always some other parent of courses. You know, Oh,
I'm not surprised their child don't even know.
Speaker 5 (04:39):
I mentioned that nobody listening today is going to be
in that situation.
Speaker 4 (04:44):
And I don't really when it comes to this sort
of stuff, like to share anything about my kids because
it's their privacy. But I was surprised with one of
them revealed some anxieties about something that I had no
idea about. So it was the opposite, you know. I mean,
of course we carry our anxieties as as parents about
what's going to happen. But it was a little bit
(05:07):
of a revelation that that alarmed me because I just
didn't know.
Speaker 5 (05:11):
And that's probably a good insight that the things that
are probably worrying your kids, I'll tell you, are probably
not the things that you're guessing they are. Yeah, I mean,
a lot of kids do have anxieties and things, but
it's possibly not about the types of things that we
might be projecting upon our kids.
Speaker 4 (05:29):
Yeah, because I mean, and if the Royal family can
have these problems actually be honest. I mean, I just
mentioned the Ray family as a hook because I imagine
that their kids are no different really apart from the
life they're born into. But there was a Prince William
was on a recent school visitor in Liverpool and England
when someone inquired what his kids. That is Prince George
age eleven, Charlotte age nine, and Prince Louie aged six.
(05:52):
Louis he's a character that one what they learned in
school each day, and he just said, they always say
nothing at all. Yeah, they don't tell me.
Speaker 5 (06:01):
Well, that is the child code, isn't it. You never
tell your parents what you've learned. If you ask you that,
you meant to shrug say nothing. You know what was
the best thing? The bell at the end of the day.
You know, well, I thought lunch, you know what I think.
But but but there are keys you can use.
Speaker 4 (06:17):
Okay, good, yes, But what you're going to give us
some wisdom?
Speaker 6 (06:19):
Now?
Speaker 5 (06:20):
I thought you know you were, you were about to
head off in a little direction. I don't want to
cut across it.
Speaker 6 (06:24):
I don't want to.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
No.
Speaker 4 (06:25):
I was just thinking of a question, really, because the
worry would be the thing that would make me worry.
Was that what one of my daughters shared with me
I would have wanted to know last year or something
just and yet so I guess that now my worry
is replaced by how will I know when things are wrong?
Speaker 6 (06:43):
Okay?
Speaker 4 (06:43):
Because kids are very good at keeping things themselves, because
that is also one of their coping mechanisms, isn't it right?
Speaker 5 (06:49):
Big big questions, big question.
Speaker 4 (06:52):
John, over to you. I'm going to go and have
a cup of tea.
Speaker 5 (06:56):
Okay, you need to bring on board an expert with
your child. And fortunately you and your wife are the experts.
You know those kids better than anyone else, and so
you can read them. You're fifteen or so. Fourteen years
of experience with your with your girls, with your kids
means that you can probably read when things aren't going
(07:17):
quite right, when they can see changes in mood and
appetite and sleep patterns and things like this, and you
can think there's a little bit more going on here.
Speaker 4 (07:26):
Well, we had hindsight, and I did have hindsight, and go,
of course, that's why such and such has been drunk.
Speaker 6 (07:31):
Well, you're learning all the time.
Speaker 4 (07:32):
You go, oh, how did I not notice the factor.
Speaker 5 (07:35):
In the fact that you know there's also adolescent stuff
going on that can change the weather, the emotional weather anyway.
Speaker 6 (07:42):
But parents, I think often.
Speaker 4 (07:46):
Don't kids very well.
Speaker 6 (07:47):
What's that? Sorry?
Speaker 4 (07:48):
We not trust ourselves to be do we think that
you can?
Speaker 5 (07:52):
It was far enough to engage in questions. Now when
do you actually start doing that? Probably when they're still
in nappies, when you just curl up next to them
in bed and you have a little chat. And you
go right through their childhood at bedtime, having little chats
with them. By the time they're adolescent, it's not freaky
(08:13):
that mom and dad are chatting to you about their day,
about your day and things like this. So that end
of day, at the lights off, you've had a story,
you've had you know, and whatever, and then you turn
the lights off and you just linger for a little
bit and you talk a little bit about your day.
You might ask a few little questions, but they might
(08:34):
not want to talk. But the thing is, they know.
But at the end of the day, there is a safe,
non threatening time when some and I can talk about
stuff that's important with someone who's not going to be
jumping down my throat.
Speaker 4 (08:45):
Saying but why did you do that?
Speaker 5 (08:47):
Well, of course it's going to happen if you say that.
You know, you know that type of thing where you
try and share something and immediately get told off. Well,
of course the teacher is going to do that. You're
stupid doing that, you know. Oh great, you've just shut
them down for the next three years too. So you know,
you've got to learn to do a lot of the
biting of the cheek by going yeah, ah, how did
(09:07):
that make you feel? Oh, that's tough, and that type
of thing, just so that they learned to talk more.
But before getting to that stage, probably you've got to
learn just how to chat with your kids. What a
difficult thing, small talking with kids, but just things like,
you know, that was the best thing that happened today,
or what are you you know anything today that happened
(09:29):
that was unusual?
Speaker 6 (09:30):
Now?
Speaker 5 (09:31):
You know, you know, who would you like mess to
be in your team at school? That type of thing,
Just sort of chatting around stuff. And could I suggest
probably before you before we do that, talk about the
stuff they're doing right now at the game they're playing,
about the stuff they're pulling out of their bag, about
what they'd like to eat.
Speaker 4 (09:48):
Well, I think, especially given that kids are just starting
school now, it is even if you haven't had a
great history of talking to your kids all the time
about how their day is. I made sure that when
the kids came home, I was like, tell us about
your day, because they did have a lot that they
wanted to share.
Speaker 5 (10:05):
If a talkback host can't get people talking, I don't
know who.
Speaker 4 (10:08):
There you go.
Speaker 6 (10:09):
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (10:10):
We'd love to hear from you on this. So how
do you cope with the changes? Or actually who has changed?
Speaker 3 (10:14):
More?
Speaker 4 (10:14):
Difficult too? When your child moves from let's say they've
gone from primary intermediate and they're starting secondary school. Who's
it harder for you or them? But have you ever
had to negotiate some sort of anxiety around that where
it's gone beyond just the normal nervousness and how have
you coped with it? Give us a call eight hundred
and eight ten eighty if you're seeking a little bit
of and put we can we can. We can toss
(10:35):
it around between me and John A good degrees of anxiety?
Speaker 5 (10:39):
Of course, yeah, there are some and a lot some
of that will come down to wiring. There's some kids
that are just a little bit more relaxed than others,
And on the other hand, there is other kids who
worry a bit more and take things. And again that's
where your knowledge of you of your own children kicks
in and how you handle that. Can I just say
(11:00):
another way of handling stress with your kids is to
provide them with a castle. And by that I mean
if you've got a castle, you can go out and
fight dragons and come back and pull up the drawbridge
and you feel safe. And by that I mean making
home the absolute safest, most relaxed place where people know,
(11:22):
where they know you're on side, so you're greeting them,
you're with a smile, where they know that you're welcome,
that you're accepted, that your first response when they share
a problem isn't an interrogation and a you know, the
third degree, and of course you do. It was stupid
to do that, but you know, empathy first of all,
and sympathy you know where they know when they know
(11:44):
that they've got a safe castle to run back and
you can go out and fight dragons. Let's face it,
they're going off to school where there's bullies, where there's thieves,
where there's people that are going to be bigger than them,
there's people that are they're going to be things that
they struggle with and challenges every day. And so even
your most buoyant, most resilient kid is going to go
come home be a bit emotionally depleted and they needed
(12:07):
to be topped up first.
Speaker 4 (12:09):
That is, I think there'll be a lot of parents
to go, oh god, I don't do that, because sometimes
if I'm stressed when my child says X, so I'm
having a problem with this, and I don't greet it
with you know, I'm like, oh, for goodness, well why
don't you just such and such. Don't listen to that advice? Well,
don't listen to that person saying don't be ridiculous. But
every parent would have done that as well. But I
guess what I'm leading to for me would be I
(12:29):
think that the thing that I'm glad I've established with
my girls is probably because of the hours that I
sometimes do when I go and tuck them into bed.
When they were little, and I'd lie next to either
the cod or the bed or something off and i'd
drift off myself. So they're used to dads sort of
coming in and lying down and having a chat. But
now when I accept when I'm doing the overnights and
(12:50):
I've got to go to bed before them, I do
usually at nighttime, I just go. Even if I've got
something I really want to do, I know that as
soon as I know lie down next to them and
have it and just have a chat, then that's the
opportunity of a talk. And I'm glad that I have
done that. Because it is. Even if I've been a
bit of a dick during the course of the day,
Dad's been about unreasonable, they know that that's the time
(13:11):
when we'll know, we'll unpack it away. Yeah so yeah,
but I don't know if that's leaving.
Speaker 5 (13:17):
A lot right mate.
Speaker 4 (13:18):
Oh look, I don't know. We want your cause on
this though. We'd love to know. Are you worried about
getting your kids to open up about their school day?
And if you or if you're a genius at getting
it and getting them to do it, what is the
way that you get your kids to share what's going
on in their lives? Because I think probably the thing
that most parents would worry about was that their child's
(13:39):
not coping with something and they don't talk about it.
So give us a call eight hundred eighty ten eighty
in text on nine two nine two. I'd love to
hear from you. It's twenty past five news talks.
Speaker 6 (13:47):
He'd be.
Speaker 3 (14:05):
See Danny Lousiana Costa, New Orleans. We're back up in
the woods among the evergreens. Just don't a law having
made of earth and wood?
Speaker 6 (14:13):
Where in the country.
Speaker 3 (14:14):
Bar named Johnny BeGood who'd never ever learned to read
a write so well, but he's been playing guitar just
like a ring in the bell.
Speaker 5 (14:21):
Go go.
Speaker 3 (14:23):
Donny God Go Donny go go, Dunny go go go
Donny go go Johnny be good.
Speaker 4 (14:36):
Let's welcome back to the parents Squad of the week
in collective. I'm Ti Beverage. My guest is John Cown.
Talk about just helping kids adjust to the changes of
the new year, new friends, maybe new school, new class,
new level. I don't know the whole lot of things.
There is something else we're going to talk about which
I want to toss into the conversation, and you're welcome
to give us a call on is just on the
(14:58):
movie front as well, because there was an interesting story
about well, a piece not a story, sort of an
opinion piece which I read in the New Zealand Herald
about and it was based on how Disney is ransacking
its own legacy and it is doing live action remakes.
It's turned some of what people might have seen as
(15:20):
classics into soulless spectacles. As it says he had designed
more for shareholders than actual kids. It's basically CG glazed
eye CGI that robs the original of their magic. And
this is what the author had tried to tell his
the seven year old daughter. She said she liked the
new Little Mermaid just fine, thanks very much, and called
(15:43):
out my bad attitude and went to imply that I
was old. But as another side of the conversation, are
there kids movies that you watch growing up where you think, well,
just as well they don't remake that, because when I
look back at the values that were reflected in it,
they went particularly flash. But then again there might be.
Here's an example for you. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
(16:06):
with Gene Wilder, I think is viewed as being a classic,
which I think probably will stand the test of time,
as opposed to that weird version they did with Johnny Depp,
which was just it didn't even it seemed to completely
lose the point of the story. Actually, John, did you
have movies you watched when you were growing up?
Speaker 5 (16:24):
I'm just just thinking about that. Willy Wonka and the
Chocolate Factory. Just do values really matter in these films?
And I think they possibly do well.
Speaker 6 (16:37):
Ultimately. The thing is with the Willy.
Speaker 5 (16:39):
Wonka story, by the the roll doll version, the Opa Lumpas,
for instance, were actually not little orange short people but
the natural fact Africans from a village, And so a lot.
Speaker 4 (16:52):
Of these stories get sanitized, probably in the right direction.
Speaker 5 (16:56):
They get they get do and does that matter?
Speaker 6 (17:00):
And people can say that the Lord of the Rings.
Speaker 5 (17:03):
I've been a Lord of the Rings fan all well life.
I've read the book all the books many times and
the movies many times, and can sort of daydream in
Middle Earth. But when people say a natural fact Tolkien
sort of using a lot of racism here, but just
calling them Hawcs and things like this, but and just
embodying all those tribal prejudices and things, but making them
(17:25):
non human so it doesn't matter. And the same way
that alien movies are basically just like cowboy movies, except
the villains are not people of a different race but
aliens of a different race. You could say all those
values are soaking into our kids and reinforcing nasty thing.
I don't know how much I buy that. I think
the big thing to notice about movies is the g NPG.
(17:49):
When you see a movie, any movie that sort of
got stuff like that, is how you unpack that with
your kids afterwards, And if you're having good dialogues with
your kids, you can watch almost anything, and it's going
to be a valuable experience.
Speaker 4 (18:04):
Yeah, it's this comes up all the time, and I'm
pretty sure, I'm possibly I'm pretty sure that at some
stage I've talked this about this, maybe one, two or
three times, depending on what slot, time slot I was on.
But I do remember, you know the funny. I remember
the the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, right, Yes, And there
is a character in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang called the
(18:26):
child Catcher Terrifying. And the Childcatcher was so it was
so brilliantly performed, even in grotesque pantomime style, that he
was a terrifying character. And I remember at the time
I found the character quite traumatizing. And I watched it again.
(18:48):
I was at university down in Dunedin and it came
up one afternoon and I thought, I have to watch
this because I have to confront this to remember, not
confront it, to deal with it. But I had to
watch it because my memory of the child Catcher was
that he was absolutely terrifying. And I thought, you know what,
(19:10):
I'm gonna watch this and I'm going to wonder what
on earth I was ever worried about, because that's often
the case when you watch these films years later as
it grown up, and I watched it and he was
he still freaked me out. I found him. It still
chilled me to the bone. And so I sort of
think what I want my kids to was back. But
it's there's something in some of those villains though, that
(19:31):
we're sometimes we sanitize. We were talking off here before
about the brothers Grim and.
Speaker 5 (19:39):
Those stories and he's Christian Anderson and those other stories. Yeah,
there's so much in them that you'd think.
Speaker 4 (19:47):
Well, there aren't necessarily happy endings. And so I wonder
if we almost do our kids a disservice by pretending
that everything has a happy ending. Is there a value
in realizing like the Boy who Cried Wolf? You know
what happens to the boy who cried Oh? We actually
I think these days they teach it that he almost
gets eaten by the wolf, but the villagers chase the
wolf down and kill the wolf. But the original fairy tale,
(20:11):
he gets eaten end of story. Do you think that
there is something in having stories which are parables or
that's from a world far away, but still it does
carry message to kids. Actually, by the way, there's no
happy ending to this if you make the same choice
as this child.
Speaker 5 (20:31):
We live in a gentler time, Okay, a less violent time,
and in general less I am approving of that. Yeah,
I think, you know, so many of these stories had
violence in them and the charactertures of evil and things
like this. And I don't necessarily think that makes the
world richer and better if kids can get the same
(20:52):
thrill from the story and get the same moral learning
or whatever without necessarily being terrified by things like that
or desensitized to violence. Hey, look, I think that's not
necessarily a bad thing. Maybe I'm just some liberal worse.
Speaker 6 (21:07):
You can make up your mind about.
Speaker 4 (21:08):
That, John Cown. You strike me as being a liberal
worse sensitive t shirt.
Speaker 6 (21:16):
Look at the liberal you know.
Speaker 5 (21:19):
And so look, I generally don't mind that our stories
don't end with kids being killed.
Speaker 4 (21:25):
And oh no, no, no, no, no, like.
Speaker 5 (21:27):
Lawrence of Arabia, which was an incredibly brilliant movie. I mean,
in that two boys get killed, one gets blown up
by a detonator, another one another one which traumatized me,
And that was a young boy getting sucked down.
Speaker 4 (21:40):
By quicksand I remember that.
Speaker 5 (21:43):
Actually, of course you do it trobably traumatized.
Speaker 4 (21:46):
Well, I remember thinking, well, I'm quicksand was poorly. It
was poorly described, though, because it was described in such
a way that I thought that quicksand once you fell
into it, you're gone. I just.
Speaker 5 (21:58):
Well, this little boy did certainly. And so look, you know,
do we really need to traumatize kids?
Speaker 6 (22:03):
Maybe not, But then again, it's going to for entertainment.
Speaker 4 (22:09):
What about well, say, for instance, the Chetty Chitty Bang
Bang character that's about to me, that was about stranger
danger in a way. I'm not sure if they set
out to tell the story that way, because actually Chety
Chitty Bang Bang was, in fact, I think it was
rolled down.
Speaker 6 (22:24):
I think it rolled down again.
Speaker 4 (22:25):
And yet it was then given to a script writer
and it ended up I'm not sure if he liked
the in version. But to be honest, if you were
wanting to teach your kids about stranger danger, if they
did watch Chetty Chitty Bang Bang, they possibly would get
fairly good sense. I don't know, or or was that
over well? Obviously for me it lasted decades. I think
(22:48):
I still find that case.
Speaker 5 (22:49):
A purpose of these stories is to teach the kids
things by terrifying them. I think that's an old fashioned
way of teaching values and morals.
Speaker 4 (22:58):
I mean, but are there some kids who have to
learn lessons I don't mean the hard way, but in
a more direct way. So for instance, well.
Speaker 5 (23:05):
I think you do it the most effective way, and
I don't know, we've a terrifying kids to death is
the most effective way.
Speaker 4 (23:12):
Okay, I will share something which is an example. So
one of my daughters has We've always taught them about
sunsafe sun safe, put your sunscreen on sunscreen on sunscreen.
Yes I've done it. Yes I've done it. Yes I've
done it. Yes I've done it. Hadn't done it got
badly burnt in a way that lesson has been learned
and had to be learned the hard way. When because
(23:32):
at some stage, if the threat is described to you,
you don't understand it. Some some kids and maybe I'm
like that as well. There's a point where somebody telling
you that this is the wrong thing to do is
one thing genuinely understanding it sometimes means you know what
I mean.
Speaker 5 (23:50):
I mean, yeah, when it's translated into an experience, it
does stick in your head. But if you had told
them about the story about the little girl who didn't
listen to a mummy and daddy and went out inside
and got fried to death.
Speaker 6 (24:02):
In a grim stock in a Brother's.
Speaker 5 (24:05):
Grim style, you know children's story. You know, they turned
into a lobster and then was captured by an old
lady and flying in a pot.
Speaker 4 (24:12):
You know, you know, Brothers Grim don't have that intermediary,
but they literally just sit the child in the pot
and the brothers Grim, Brothers Grim. By the way, people,
if you want to google.
Speaker 5 (24:22):
The real Brothers Grim, look those people that have had
you know, an upbringing his lives of the Saints or
something which was probably talked to kids and about all
the all the poor saints being sawed in half and
boiled and burnt in the steak and things like that
as part of the moral education.
Speaker 6 (24:38):
Maybe you've got an.
Speaker 5 (24:38):
Opinion about whether this stuff is effective or not.
Speaker 4 (24:43):
We've got We've got a little way from it, but
that's the nature of conversation. John, we'd love you to
join us thought eight hundred and eighty ten eighty. But
actually I think the question around are there. Well, by
the way, we've been talking a little bit about dealing
with anxiety with your kids and changes and things like that.
But the other thing I threw out there was around.
Are there movies that you watched as child which are
(25:05):
actually they should leave alone and actually are worth watching
with your own children because they're just I don't know,
they've got a great moral to the story or a
wonderful story. Or are there some movies which should be
left in the past.
Speaker 6 (25:19):
But what are you read them?
Speaker 5 (25:19):
I'd be more interested in hearing about the stories that
absolutely traumatized you. But also I'd also love to know
what is it the kids that is that the things
that are making kids anxious these days? You know, if
you're from your own experience, now, what are the things
that are really troubling young people?
Speaker 4 (25:36):
We'd love to hear from you on that. I wait,
one hundred and eighty ten eighty. But by the way,
what are the movies from your childhood that they are
an absolute must or an absolute avoid when it comes
to your children as well? See, I don't think I
would watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang with my kids, no
matter how old they get, Whereas you know, my children
will probably want their children to watch Harry Potter, and
(25:56):
that's got some pretty dark stuff in it too. By
the way. Anyway, we'll be back in just a moment.
It's twenty four minutes to six.
Speaker 7 (26:09):
So you can see you stand you can see standees.
Speaker 4 (26:23):
Just welcome back to the Weekend Collective. This is the
Parents Squad. My guest is John Cowan, and we're talking about,
well we were talking about earlier about just dealing with
your kids making changes with anxiety and and how do
you deal with that if you how would you know
when your kids are having problems because some of the
times they don't want to tell mom and dad because
(26:43):
they want to try and cope with themselves, which we
might dig into a little bit further as well. But
on the movie front as well, what are the movies
that you watched as a kid that you would actually
make sure that you watched with your with your child
as well. I think a really safe one, I don't
know if you would have seen this, John, would be
The Princess Bride. If you watched The Princess Brides, that's
a pretty safe bet.
Speaker 5 (27:02):
Do you know what I got troubled by that?
Speaker 4 (27:05):
Really?
Speaker 6 (27:06):
Right?
Speaker 5 (27:07):
You know when they're killing the rats and the swamp
and h and a guy gets tortured to almost death,
does he yeah, remember you know he gets you know,
he basically gets tortured to death and then the the
guy puts the bellows on his mouth and brings him
back to life again the machine that. I love the movie,
(27:31):
but you'd think there's stuff in that and conceivable.
Speaker 4 (27:38):
Anyone.
Speaker 5 (27:39):
Look, I'm not a movie critic and I don't know
movies well enough. But when but we're just when you
mentioned that, and I can say, you know, very very entertaining,
you know, farm boy, but it was it was, you know,
there was dark stuff in there. Yes, the little kids,
you know.
Speaker 4 (27:58):
I think if you make maybe actually maybe this is
the rule around the films. If you can make a
film fun enough, if it's got enough fun and levity
and laughter or joy or whatever, then a couple of
good villains is not going to really frighten the horses
too much.
Speaker 6 (28:13):
Right between, the heroes are doing villain of stuff.
Speaker 4 (28:16):
But anyhow, Yeah, Actually, my wife loves that movie, The
Princess Bride, and I had never seen it, and she
said we should watch The Princess Bride. One night. I
was like, what's that? Some old thing? And she's like,
you've never seen The Princess Bride? And I thought, oh,
watch it night. As it started, I thought oh, I'm
not sure I'm going to be in for this. And
then I was like, oh, this is actually pretty good,
(28:37):
and she saw me get into it. She was like,
told you.
Speaker 5 (28:42):
But anyway, the thing is, no movie is probably perfect,
and if you know, and if it incorporated perfectly vanilla values,
then it probably would be a dull movie. The thing
is just to talk to kids about these things afterwards,
but they don't think that just torturing someone to death
is appropriate.
Speaker 4 (29:00):
Don't buy your little boy or girl the original copy
of the Brother's Grim Fairy Tables Tales because they are horrific.
But here's a tech. This is just to push back
on us a bit here. This text, I think John says, honestly,
I think traumatized is a bit strong. Well, yes, okay,
we were just being yeah, we're speaking generally, and traumaton
(29:23):
we've just been colorful with our language. Not that sort
of colorful. By the way, this person says in the books,
you're it's a bit too strong using the word traumatized.
Do you guys not know what games kids play on?
The gaming stuff? Killing everyone? It's ghastly And I suddenly realized, actually, right,
movies are probably the last thing you need to worry about.
(29:44):
You just need to play zombies, Dawn of a Dead
or something, or what's that? What's the Grand Theft Order
or whatever?
Speaker 5 (29:50):
Are we running over people and doing crimes and things
like that?
Speaker 4 (29:54):
Maybe we I suddenly feel a little bit like, gosh,
we've meant thing.
Speaker 5 (29:59):
Is because I'm a slack parent. My kids probably played
all those games growing up, and the lovely kids, and so,
you know, I don't necessarily.
Speaker 6 (30:09):
Know whether or not.
Speaker 5 (30:11):
In fact, there has been research done on how much
does these things impact perhaps someone say, tolerance or violence
and everything like this, And I think the research is
probably not yet in all that much. But for most
people it doesn't really nudge them into being more violent
or anything like that. For kids that already have problems
(30:32):
in that area, it nudges them even further. It's like
listening to you know, people used to worry about things
like heavy metal music. Does that have a negative impact
on their morals and things? And the thing is no,
unless the kid is already dipping into that them already,
does it make their depression work worse? Actually it helps some,
(30:53):
But for some that are already troubled stuff like that,
it just carries a bit further. So I think the
thing is there's no easy answers on these ones. But
in general, for kids that are got good influences, good friends,
good families, stuff like that, you know, a lot of
these are probably going to They're probably going to have
the moral resilience to handle that type of stuff. For
(31:15):
kids that are already got a few problems and wrinkles
and things like that, maybe you would be more careful.
Speaker 4 (31:21):
What are the best ways to deal with Getting back
to our original topic, just about adapting to the new
year and things, what do you how do you if
you have a child who's not naturally sociable or doesn't
make friends easily, how would you address that if you're
worried about them? Because these days everyone everyone seems to
(31:43):
kids moving giant cliques of friends, groups and all that
sort of stuff.
Speaker 5 (31:47):
Well, that's a start. You've got to realize that not
all kids need a huge squadron of friends. It's genuinely
okay for a kid to be introverted and only have
one or two really good friends and be quite happy
of that and possibly getting more stressed by having a
big bunch of friends. So, first of all, your kids,
(32:07):
your child may be quite all right with just as
an introvert. The other thing is just to make sure
that there's lots of activities and interests in their child's
life that perhaps placed them into situations and scenarios where
there will be mixing with people their sport, their clubs,
their drama, their kapahaka, all things like that, where there's
(32:29):
at least the opportunity of interacting and mixing of people
so that they do get the chance to Yeah.
Speaker 8 (32:35):
Looks like a call, Jan, Hello, Hi there just your comment, John,
is it?
Speaker 4 (32:43):
Yes?
Speaker 8 (32:45):
Yes, your comment about gaming not being a problem.
Speaker 5 (32:50):
Not always a problem with no, Well, I.
Speaker 8 (32:53):
Think it's always a problem, So I totally disagree.
Speaker 4 (32:57):
Have you ever seen have you ever seen these games?
Speaker 3 (32:59):
Jan?
Speaker 5 (33:00):
Oh?
Speaker 8 (33:00):
Yeah, I've watched them at the library, kids on the computers,
the free computers at the library, and it's frankly shocking.
And I have a theory that all these young people
today that are driving into people and stabbing people and
(33:20):
all this violence that's going on, it's all programmed by
subliminal messaging on those games.
Speaker 6 (33:29):
Well, that is an.
Speaker 5 (33:29):
Interesting theory, but the thing is it's not actually borne
out by facts, in that our levels of violence in
our society are now way less than they were when
I was a child, given by all sorts of measures.
Our sort of measures of violence are that we live
in a much more peaceful society. The thing is we
are much more aware of any violence that there is.
(33:51):
But things like violent crime and things like this. You know,
it might be rising in some areas, and it might
have lift and everything like that, but if you look
back to levels of historical violence, much much lower. And
the other thing is, you know, the kids that are
doing this, for instance, people worry about the playing games
(34:12):
and not playing sport. Actually the ones that play, that
are most into their video games also tend to be
the ones that are into their physical ball games and
sports as well. Of course, we'll know of exceptions, and
the exceptions are the ones you notice.
Speaker 4 (34:23):
I think the headlines, you know, when you see people
doing the kids doing, you know, the ram raids and
all that sort of stuff. Then jan would be saying, well,
that's because they've got a lack of empathy, because they've engaged.
Speaker 6 (34:33):
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (34:33):
It's a bit of a reach though, isn't it.
Speaker 5 (34:36):
That's right, And I mean, if you look at the
factors behind the you know, behind those kids doing that thing. Yes,
you'll probably find they're playing video games, just like you'll
find the kids who are the top performers and model
citizens at in all sorts of schools are also doing
those games.
Speaker 4 (34:54):
And by the way, I've never seen Bambi. Somebody's message
to me saying, I've got no idea how the movie goes.
I hated Bambie thing was the only reprievent. Or man
shot the Ildea and all that cloying, sickly sugar speech
ended and we got to go home traumatized by the sugar,
says Kate. I don't know enough to comment about that,
does it?
Speaker 5 (35:13):
I don't know. I read the book Bambie, and I
think it made me cry. I mean, that's the thing Disney.
Speaker 4 (35:19):
Yellow Yellow who gets rabies, who saves his owner, but
then gets rabies and has to be the boy has
to shoot his own dog.
Speaker 5 (35:24):
Yes, so many of his old stories are real. You know,
there is real drama and Dumbo where the mother is
saying goodbye to little Dumbo or something like that. If
you can watch that about a tear in your eye,
you're not human.
Speaker 6 (35:43):
He knew how to do it.
Speaker 4 (35:44):
So I think a hunter killed Bambie's mum in front
of there isn't that right?
Speaker 6 (35:47):
Right?
Speaker 4 (35:47):
Yeah, but it was all the it was all the
cloying sugarness of that that traumatized Kate. Fair enough, Kate, Hey,
great to talk to John.
Speaker 6 (35:55):
It's always a pleasure.
Speaker 5 (35:56):
I don't know whether we landed on anything particularly conclusive
about helping kids with anxiety, but there we go.
Speaker 4 (36:02):
Well, you know what, it's all part of continuing the converse.
That's right. Remember, hey, thanks, We'll be back in just
amount to rap sport with the larger far fuse with us.
It is eleven minutes to six.
Speaker 1 (36:13):
For more from the Weekend Collective, listen live to news
Talks it'd be weekends from three pm, or follow the
podcast on iHeartRadio.
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talk Sedby.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Is a team to bring down the gardens of us
not much talk Today.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
Series and.
Speaker 4 (00:42):
Yes, welcome back to the Weekend Collective. I tell you
one person who's loving our theme music for the show today.
And then my producer Tyri, she's almost having a party
out there. Welcome to the show. If you've missed any
of the previous hours, by the way, you can go
and check out our podcast go to the News talksy
B website or iHeartRadio. But right now it is time
for the Parents Squad. My guest is parenting expert. He's
well known to News Talks audiences. I'm just gonna say,
(01:04):
John Karen.
Speaker 5 (01:05):
Good, Afternoon, Afternoon, first for twenty twenty five? How did
I get to get to twenty twenty five so soon?
I'm a sort of a refugee from the twentieth century
and here I am quarter of the way into the
twenty first century.
Speaker 4 (01:18):
You can probably remember Marianne Faithful who was in the
news other night.
Speaker 5 (01:21):
Can I loved her early stuff before laryng ngitis and
heroin sort of made a voice or croaky. I know
people love the croaky voice. But you listen to some
of the first stuff that she's sang, and it was
beautiful and pure and it was just lovely good stuff.
Speaker 4 (01:34):
Yeah, I have nothing to I couldn't hum a single tune,
although I've heard one. I probably go was that her? Anyway?
Not only twenty twenty five, John, But it's February twenty
twenty five.
Speaker 6 (01:47):
Just trying to going so fast? Make it stop?
Speaker 4 (01:50):
Yes, slow down. Well, I've just worked out my oldest daughter,
who to me is in her early stages of education,
is now actually almost halfway through her secondary school education.
You know. Her sister said, oh, Lily is going to
be a senior next year, and I was like, I
(02:12):
am not. I mean a senior is I think you
Form five? Whatever it is, I'm not ready for it.
I'm just not ready. Were you ready for your kids
to grow up?
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (02:21):
I'm still not.
Speaker 5 (02:21):
I'm not ready for me growing up. I've been putting
off puberty for the last fifty years. You think it's
probably time that I probably embraced that.
Speaker 4 (02:30):
Well, you know, the probably the hinters that you've every
now and again, it looks like you shave putting off puberty. Anyway. Look,
it is that time of the year where there's a
lot of change going on, and I was I'm not
sure if this is of any soulist people who are
you know, worry about their kids, well one adapting to
the change. Look to be honest, I don't think the
(02:51):
change we're talking about is so much your little boy
or girl starting school, because to me, most kids when
they start school, it seems to be a fairly exciting
time for them, isn't it. Well, as opposed to maybe
later on shifting from you know, intermediate to secondary or whatever.
What are the more traumatic times?
Speaker 6 (03:10):
Well?
Speaker 5 (03:10):
Are they that all those transitions? But could I just
say four out of five kids handle stressful situations like
that really well?
Speaker 6 (03:18):
Four out of five times.
Speaker 5 (03:20):
I just snatched those figures out of the air. But
I think it wouldn't be too far from the truth
that most of us came through those times. Most of
your kids will come through those times pretty well. The
thing that we have to distinguish between is our own
anxiety and our proper concern. And so if we're reading,
you know, signs their kids are stressed, that they're unhappy,
(03:42):
that they are lonely, that they're having trouble struggling struggling. Yeah,
that's a that's an area for concern. But what I
think too often kids have to get exposed to is
their parents' own anxiety projecting on to the children. Are
my children going to be achieving? Are they going to
be socially fitting in? Are they going to be you know?
Are they you know, I'm anxious that my kids are
(04:05):
going to be anxious, and kids pick that up and
think I can feel mum's anxiety, dad's anxiety, and so
is obviously something to be anxious about. They are emotional chameleons. Yeah,
so one of the things that we can really help
our kids with is managing our own anxiety around these things.
Speaker 4 (04:21):
Actually, we'd love to hear from you on this. What
are you worried about with your children making the change?
Because is that a big part of it? Do you
think is just the fact that it's it's parents. I mean,
we can all imagine parents who do pass their anxieties on.
It's always some other parent of courses. You know, Oh,
I'm not surprised their child don't even know.
Speaker 5 (04:39):
I mentioned that nobody listening today is going to be
in that situation.
Speaker 4 (04:44):
And I don't really when it comes to this sort
of stuff, like to share anything about my kids because
it's their privacy. But I was surprised with one of
them revealed some anxieties about something that I had no
idea about. So it was the opposite, you know. I mean,
of course we carry our anxieties as as parents about
what's going to happen. But it was a little bit
(05:07):
of a revelation that that alarmed me because I just
didn't know.
Speaker 5 (05:11):
And that's probably a good insight that the things that
are probably worrying your kids, I'll tell you, are probably
not the things that you're guessing they are. Yeah, I mean,
a lot of kids do have anxieties and things, but
it's possibly not about the types of things that we
might be projecting upon our kids.
Speaker 4 (05:29):
Yeah, because I mean, and if the Royal family can
have these problems actually be honest. I mean, I just
mentioned the Ray family as a hook because I imagine
that their kids are no different really apart from the
life they're born into. But there was a Prince William
was on a recent school visitor in Liverpool and England
when someone inquired what his kids. That is Prince George
age eleven, Charlotte age nine, and Prince Louie aged six.
(05:52):
Louis he's a character that one what they learned in
school each day, and he just said, they always say
nothing at all. Yeah, they don't tell me.
Speaker 5 (06:01):
Well, that is the child code, isn't it. You never
tell your parents what you've learned. If you ask you that,
you meant to shrug say nothing. You know what was
the best thing? The bell at the end of the day.
You know, well, I thought lunch, you know what I think.
But but but there are keys you can use.
Speaker 4 (06:17):
Okay, good, yes, But what you're going to give us
some wisdom?
Speaker 6 (06:19):
Now?
Speaker 5 (06:20):
I thought you know you were, you were about to
head off in a little direction. I don't want to
cut across it.
Speaker 6 (06:24):
I don't want to.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
No.
Speaker 4 (06:25):
I was just thinking of a question, really, because the
worry would be the thing that would make me worry.
Was that what one of my daughters shared with me
I would have wanted to know last year or something
just and yet so I guess that now my worry
is replaced by how will I know when things are wrong?
Speaker 6 (06:43):
Okay?
Speaker 4 (06:43):
Because kids are very good at keeping things themselves, because
that is also one of their coping mechanisms, isn't it right?
Speaker 5 (06:49):
Big big questions, big question.
Speaker 4 (06:52):
John, over to you. I'm going to go and have
a cup of tea.
Speaker 5 (06:56):
Okay, you need to bring on board an expert with
your child. And fortunately you and your wife are the experts.
You know those kids better than anyone else, and so
you can read them. You're fifteen or so. Fourteen years
of experience with your with your girls, with your kids
means that you can probably read when things aren't going
(07:17):
quite right, when they can see changes in mood and
appetite and sleep patterns and things like this, and you
can think there's a little bit more going on here.
Speaker 4 (07:26):
Well, we had hindsight, and I did have hindsight, and go,
of course, that's why such and such has been drunk.
Speaker 6 (07:31):
Well, you're learning all the time.
Speaker 4 (07:32):
You go, oh, how did I not notice the factor.
Speaker 5 (07:35):
In the fact that you know there's also adolescent stuff
going on that can change the weather, the emotional weather anyway.
Speaker 6 (07:42):
But parents, I think often.
Speaker 4 (07:46):
Don't kids very well.
Speaker 6 (07:47):
What's that? Sorry?
Speaker 4 (07:48):
We not trust ourselves to be do we think that
you can?
Speaker 5 (07:52):
It was far enough to engage in questions. Now when
do you actually start doing that? Probably when they're still
in nappies, when you just curl up next to them
in bed and you have a little chat. And you
go right through their childhood at bedtime, having little chats
with them. By the time they're adolescent, it's not freaky
(08:13):
that mom and dad are chatting to you about their day,
about your day and things like this. So that end
of day, at the lights off, you've had a story,
you've had you know, and whatever, and then you turn
the lights off and you just linger for a little
bit and you talk a little bit about your day.
You might ask a few little questions, but they might
(08:34):
not want to talk. But the thing is, they know.
But at the end of the day, there is a safe,
non threatening time when some and I can talk about
stuff that's important with someone who's not going to be
jumping down my throat.
Speaker 4 (08:45):
Saying but why did you do that?
Speaker 5 (08:47):
Well, of course it's going to happen if you say that.
You know, you know that type of thing where you
try and share something and immediately get told off. Well,
of course the teacher is going to do that. You're
stupid doing that, you know. Oh great, you've just shut
them down for the next three years too. So you know,
you've got to learn to do a lot of the
biting of the cheek by going yeah, ah, how did
(09:07):
that make you feel? Oh, that's tough, and that type
of thing, just so that they learned to talk more.
But before getting to that stage, probably you've got to
learn just how to chat with your kids. What a
difficult thing, small talking with kids, but just things like,
you know, that was the best thing that happened today,
or what are you you know anything today that happened
(09:29):
that was unusual?
Speaker 6 (09:30):
Now?
Speaker 5 (09:31):
You know, you know, who would you like mess to
be in your team at school? That type of thing,
Just sort of chatting around stuff. And could I suggest
probably before you before we do that, talk about the
stuff they're doing right now at the game they're playing,
about the stuff they're pulling out of their bag, about
what they'd like to eat.
Speaker 4 (09:48):
Well, I think, especially given that kids are just starting
school now, it is even if you haven't had a
great history of talking to your kids all the time
about how their day is. I made sure that when
the kids came home, I was like, tell us about
your day, because they did have a lot that they
wanted to share.
Speaker 5 (10:05):
If a talkback host can't get people talking, I don't
know who.
Speaker 4 (10:08):
There you go.
Speaker 6 (10:09):
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (10:10):
We'd love to hear from you on this. So how
do you cope with the changes? Or actually who has changed?
Speaker 3 (10:14):
More?
Speaker 4 (10:14):
Difficult too? When your child moves from let's say they've
gone from primary intermediate and they're starting secondary school. Who's
it harder for you or them? But have you ever
had to negotiate some sort of anxiety around that where
it's gone beyond just the normal nervousness and how have
you coped with it? Give us a call eight hundred
and eight ten eighty if you're seeking a little bit
of and put we can we can. We can toss
(10:35):
it around between me and John A good degrees of anxiety?
Speaker 5 (10:39):
Of course, yeah, there are some and a lot some
of that will come down to wiring. There's some kids
that are just a little bit more relaxed than others,
And on the other hand, there is other kids who
worry a bit more and take things. And again that's
where your knowledge of you of your own children kicks
in and how you handle that. Can I just say
(11:00):
another way of handling stress with your kids is to
provide them with a castle. And by that I mean
if you've got a castle, you can go out and
fight dragons and come back and pull up the drawbridge
and you feel safe. And by that I mean making
home the absolute safest, most relaxed place where people know,
(11:22):
where they know you're on side, so you're greeting them,
you're with a smile, where they know that you're welcome,
that you're accepted, that your first response when they share
a problem isn't an interrogation and a you know, the
third degree, and of course you do. It was stupid
to do that, but you know, empathy first of all,
and sympathy you know where they know when they know
(11:44):
that they've got a safe castle to run back and
you can go out and fight dragons. Let's face it,
they're going off to school where there's bullies, where there's thieves,
where there's people that are going to be bigger than them,
there's people that are they're going to be things that
they struggle with and challenges every day. And so even
your most buoyant, most resilient kid is going to go
come home be a bit emotionally depleted and they needed
(12:07):
to be topped up first.
Speaker 4 (12:09):
That is, I think there'll be a lot of parents
to go, oh god, I don't do that, because sometimes
if I'm stressed when my child says X, so I'm
having a problem with this, and I don't greet it
with you know, I'm like, oh, for goodness, well why
don't you just such and such. Don't listen to that advice? Well,
don't listen to that person saying don't be ridiculous. But
every parent would have done that as well. But I
guess what I'm leading to for me would be I
(12:29):
think that the thing that I'm glad I've established with
my girls is probably because of the hours that I
sometimes do when I go and tuck them into bed.
When they were little, and I'd lie next to either
the cod or the bed or something off and i'd
drift off myself. So they're used to dads sort of
coming in and lying down and having a chat. But
now when I accept when I'm doing the overnights and
(12:50):
I've got to go to bed before them, I do
usually at nighttime, I just go. Even if I've got
something I really want to do, I know that as
soon as I know lie down next to them and
have it and just have a chat, then that's the
opportunity of a talk. And I'm glad that I have
done that. Because it is. Even if I've been a
bit of a dick during the course of the day,
Dad's been about unreasonable, they know that that's the time
(13:11):
when we'll know, we'll unpack it away. Yeah so yeah,
but I don't know if that's leaving.
Speaker 5 (13:17):
A lot right mate.
Speaker 4 (13:18):
Oh look, I don't know. We want your cause on
this though. We'd love to know. Are you worried about
getting your kids to open up about their school day?
And if you or if you're a genius at getting
it and getting them to do it, what is the
way that you get your kids to share what's going
on in their lives? Because I think probably the thing
that most parents would worry about was that their child's
(13:39):
not coping with something and they don't talk about it.
So give us a call eight hundred eighty ten eighty
in text on nine two nine two. I'd love to
hear from you. It's twenty past five news talks.
Speaker 6 (13:47):
He'd be.
Speaker 3 (14:05):
See Danny Lousiana Costa, New Orleans. We're back up in
the woods among the evergreens. Just don't a law having
made of earth and wood?
Speaker 6 (14:13):
Where in the country.
Speaker 3 (14:14):
Bar named Johnny BeGood who'd never ever learned to read
a write so well, but he's been playing guitar just
like a ring in the bell.
Speaker 5 (14:21):
Go go.
Speaker 3 (14:23):
Donny God Go Donny go go, Dunny go go go
Donny go go Johnny be good.
Speaker 4 (14:36):
Let's welcome back to the parents Squad of the week
in collective. I'm Ti Beverage. My guest is John Cown.
Talk about just helping kids adjust to the changes of
the new year, new friends, maybe new school, new class,
new level. I don't know the whole lot of things.
There is something else we're going to talk about which
I want to toss into the conversation, and you're welcome
to give us a call on is just on the
(14:58):
movie front as well, because there was an interesting story
about well, a piece not a story, sort of an
opinion piece which I read in the New Zealand Herald
about and it was based on how Disney is ransacking
its own legacy and it is doing live action remakes.
It's turned some of what people might have seen as
(15:20):
classics into soulless spectacles. As it says he had designed
more for shareholders than actual kids. It's basically CG glazed
eye CGI that robs the original of their magic. And
this is what the author had tried to tell his
the seven year old daughter. She said she liked the
new Little Mermaid just fine, thanks very much, and called
(15:43):
out my bad attitude and went to imply that I
was old. But as another side of the conversation, are
there kids movies that you watch growing up where you think, well,
just as well they don't remake that, because when I
look back at the values that were reflected in it,
they went particularly flash. But then again there might be.
Here's an example for you. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
(16:06):
with Gene Wilder, I think is viewed as being a classic,
which I think probably will stand the test of time,
as opposed to that weird version they did with Johnny Depp,
which was just it didn't even it seemed to completely
lose the point of the story. Actually, John, did you
have movies you watched when you were growing up?
Speaker 5 (16:24):
I'm just just thinking about that. Willy Wonka and the
Chocolate Factory. Just do values really matter in these films?
And I think they possibly do well.
Speaker 6 (16:37):
Ultimately. The thing is with the Willy.
Speaker 5 (16:39):
Wonka story, by the the roll doll version, the Opa Lumpas,
for instance, were actually not little orange short people but
the natural fact Africans from a village, And so a lot.
Speaker 4 (16:52):
Of these stories get sanitized, probably in the right direction.
Speaker 5 (16:56):
They get they get do and does that matter?
Speaker 6 (17:00):
And people can say that the Lord of the Rings.
Speaker 5 (17:03):
I've been a Lord of the Rings fan all well life.
I've read the book all the books many times and
the movies many times, and can sort of daydream in
Middle Earth. But when people say a natural fact Tolkien
sort of using a lot of racism here, but just
calling them Hawcs and things like this, but and just
embodying all those tribal prejudices and things, but making them
(17:25):
non human so it doesn't matter. And the same way
that alien movies are basically just like cowboy movies, except
the villains are not people of a different race but
aliens of a different race. You could say all those
values are soaking into our kids and reinforcing nasty thing.
I don't know how much I buy that. I think
the big thing to notice about movies is the g NPG.
(17:49):
When you see a movie, any movie that sort of
got stuff like that, is how you unpack that with
your kids afterwards, And if you're having good dialogues with
your kids, you can watch almost anything, and it's going
to be a valuable experience.
Speaker 4 (18:04):
Yeah, it's this comes up all the time, and I'm
pretty sure, I'm possibly I'm pretty sure that at some
stage I've talked this about this, maybe one, two or
three times, depending on what slot, time slot I was on.
But I do remember, you know the funny. I remember
the the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, right, Yes, And there
is a character in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang called the
(18:26):
child Catcher Terrifying. And the Childcatcher was so it was
so brilliantly performed, even in grotesque pantomime style, that he
was a terrifying character. And I remember at the time
I found the character quite traumatizing. And I watched it again.
(18:48):
I was at university down in Dunedin and it came
up one afternoon and I thought, I have to watch
this because I have to confront this to remember, not
confront it, to deal with it. But I had to
watch it because my memory of the child Catcher was
that he was absolutely terrifying. And I thought, you know what,
(19:10):
I'm gonna watch this and I'm going to wonder what
on earth I was ever worried about, because that's often
the case when you watch these films years later as
it grown up, and I watched it and he was
he still freaked me out. I found him. It still
chilled me to the bone. And so I sort of
think what I want my kids to was back. But
it's there's something in some of those villains though, that
(19:31):
we're sometimes we sanitize. We were talking off here before
about the brothers Grim and.
Speaker 5 (19:39):
Those stories and he's Christian Anderson and those other stories. Yeah,
there's so much in them that you'd think.
Speaker 4 (19:47):
Well, there aren't necessarily happy endings. And so I wonder
if we almost do our kids a disservice by pretending
that everything has a happy ending. Is there a value
in realizing like the Boy who Cried Wolf? You know
what happens to the boy who cried Oh? We actually
I think these days they teach it that he almost
gets eaten by the wolf, but the villagers chase the
wolf down and kill the wolf. But the original fairy tale,
(20:11):
he gets eaten end of story. Do you think that
there is something in having stories which are parables or
that's from a world far away, but still it does
carry message to kids. Actually, by the way, there's no
happy ending to this if you make the same choice
as this child.
Speaker 5 (20:31):
We live in a gentler time, Okay, a less violent time,
and in general less I am approving of that. Yeah,
I think, you know, so many of these stories had
violence in them and the charactertures of evil and things
like this. And I don't necessarily think that makes the
world richer and better if kids can get the same
(20:52):
thrill from the story and get the same moral learning
or whatever without necessarily being terrified by things like that
or desensitized to violence. Hey, look, I think that's not
necessarily a bad thing. Maybe I'm just some liberal worse.
Speaker 6 (21:07):
You can make up your mind about.
Speaker 4 (21:08):
That, John Cown. You strike me as being a liberal
worse sensitive t shirt.
Speaker 6 (21:16):
Look at the liberal you know.
Speaker 5 (21:19):
And so look, I generally don't mind that our stories
don't end with kids being killed.
Speaker 4 (21:25):
And oh no, no, no, no, no, like.
Speaker 5 (21:27):
Lawrence of Arabia, which was an incredibly brilliant movie. I mean,
in that two boys get killed, one gets blown up
by a detonator, another one another one which traumatized me,
And that was a young boy getting sucked down.
Speaker 4 (21:40):
By quicksand I remember that.
Speaker 5 (21:43):
Actually, of course you do it trobably traumatized.
Speaker 4 (21:46):
Well, I remember thinking, well, I'm quicksand was poorly. It
was poorly described, though, because it was described in such
a way that I thought that quicksand once you fell
into it, you're gone. I just.
Speaker 5 (21:58):
Well, this little boy did certainly. And so look, you know,
do we really need to traumatize kids?
Speaker 6 (22:03):
Maybe not, But then again, it's going to for entertainment.
Speaker 4 (22:09):
What about well, say, for instance, the Chetty Chitty Bang
Bang character that's about to me, that was about stranger
danger in a way. I'm not sure if they set
out to tell the story that way, because actually Chety
Chitty Bang Bang was, in fact, I think it was
rolled down.
Speaker 6 (22:24):
I think it rolled down again.
Speaker 4 (22:25):
And yet it was then given to a script writer
and it ended up I'm not sure if he liked
the in version. But to be honest, if you were
wanting to teach your kids about stranger danger, if they
did watch Chetty Chitty Bang Bang, they possibly would get
fairly good sense. I don't know, or or was that
over well? Obviously for me it lasted decades. I think
(22:48):
I still find that case.
Speaker 5 (22:49):
A purpose of these stories is to teach the kids
things by terrifying them. I think that's an old fashioned
way of teaching values and morals.
Speaker 4 (22:58):
I mean, but are there some kids who have to
learn lessons I don't mean the hard way, but in
a more direct way. So for instance, well.
Speaker 5 (23:05):
I think you do it the most effective way, and
I don't know, we've a terrifying kids to death is
the most effective way.
Speaker 4 (23:12):
Okay, I will share something which is an example. So
one of my daughters has We've always taught them about
sunsafe sun safe, put your sunscreen on sunscreen on sunscreen.
Yes I've done it. Yes I've done it. Yes I've
done it. Yes I've done it. Hadn't done it got
badly burnt in a way that lesson has been learned
and had to be learned the hard way. When because
(23:32):
at some stage, if the threat is described to you,
you don't understand it. Some some kids and maybe I'm
like that as well. There's a point where somebody telling
you that this is the wrong thing to do is
one thing genuinely understanding it sometimes means you know what
I mean.
Speaker 5 (23:50):
I mean, yeah, when it's translated into an experience, it
does stick in your head. But if you had told
them about the story about the little girl who didn't
listen to a mummy and daddy and went out inside
and got fried to death.
Speaker 6 (24:02):
In a grim stock in a Brother's.
Speaker 5 (24:05):
Grim style, you know children's story. You know, they turned
into a lobster and then was captured by an old
lady and flying in a pot.
Speaker 4 (24:12):
You know, you know, Brothers Grim don't have that intermediary,
but they literally just sit the child in the pot
and the brothers Grim, Brothers Grim. By the way, people,
if you want to google.
Speaker 5 (24:22):
The real Brothers Grim, look those people that have had
you know, an upbringing his lives of the Saints or
something which was probably talked to kids and about all
the all the poor saints being sawed in half and
boiled and burnt in the steak and things like that
as part of the moral education.
Speaker 6 (24:38):
Maybe you've got an.
Speaker 5 (24:38):
Opinion about whether this stuff is effective or not.
Speaker 4 (24:43):
We've got We've got a little way from it, but
that's the nature of conversation. John, we'd love you to
join us thought eight hundred and eighty ten eighty. But
actually I think the question around are there. Well, by
the way, we've been talking a little bit about dealing
with anxiety with your kids and changes and things like that.
But the other thing I threw out there was around.
Are there movies that you watched as child which are
(25:05):
actually they should leave alone and actually are worth watching
with your own children because they're just I don't know,
they've got a great moral to the story or a
wonderful story. Or are there some movies which should be
left in the past.
Speaker 6 (25:19):
But what are you read them?
Speaker 5 (25:19):
I'd be more interested in hearing about the stories that
absolutely traumatized you. But also I'd also love to know
what is it the kids that is that the things
that are making kids anxious these days? You know, if
you're from your own experience, now, what are the things
that are really troubling young people?
Speaker 4 (25:36):
We'd love to hear from you on that. I wait,
one hundred and eighty ten eighty. But by the way,
what are the movies from your childhood that they are
an absolute must or an absolute avoid when it comes
to your children as well? See, I don't think I
would watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang with my kids, no
matter how old they get, Whereas you know, my children
will probably want their children to watch Harry Potter, and
(25:56):
that's got some pretty dark stuff in it too. By
the way. Anyway, we'll be back in just a moment.
It's twenty four minutes to six.
Speaker 7 (26:09):
So you can see you stand you can see standees.
Speaker 4 (26:23):
Just welcome back to the Weekend Collective. This is the
Parents Squad. My guest is John Cowan, and we're talking about,
well we were talking about earlier about just dealing with
your kids making changes with anxiety and and how do
you deal with that if you how would you know
when your kids are having problems because some of the
times they don't want to tell mom and dad because
(26:43):
they want to try and cope with themselves, which we
might dig into a little bit further as well. But
on the movie front as well, what are the movies
that you watched as a kid that you would actually
make sure that you watched with your with your child
as well. I think a really safe one, I don't
know if you would have seen this, John, would be
The Princess Bride. If you watched The Princess Brides, that's
a pretty safe bet.
Speaker 5 (27:02):
Do you know what I got troubled by that?
Speaker 4 (27:05):
Really?
Speaker 6 (27:06):
Right?
Speaker 5 (27:07):
You know when they're killing the rats and the swamp
and h and a guy gets tortured to almost death,
does he yeah, remember you know he gets you know,
he basically gets tortured to death and then the the
guy puts the bellows on his mouth and brings him
back to life again the machine that. I love the movie,
(27:31):
but you'd think there's stuff in that and conceivable.
Speaker 4 (27:38):
Anyone.
Speaker 5 (27:39):
Look, I'm not a movie critic and I don't know
movies well enough. But when but we're just when you
mentioned that, and I can say, you know, very very entertaining,
you know, farm boy, but it was it was, you know,
there was dark stuff in there. Yes, the little kids,
you know.
Speaker 4 (27:58):
I think if you make maybe actually maybe this is
the rule around the films. If you can make a
film fun enough, if it's got enough fun and levity
and laughter or joy or whatever, then a couple of
good villains is not going to really frighten the horses
too much.
Speaker 6 (28:13):
Right between, the heroes are doing villain of stuff.
Speaker 4 (28:16):
But anyhow, Yeah, Actually, my wife loves that movie, The
Princess Bride, and I had never seen it, and she
said we should watch The Princess Bride. One night. I
was like, what's that? Some old thing? And she's like,
you've never seen The Princess Bride? And I thought, oh,
watch it night. As it started, I thought oh, I'm
not sure I'm going to be in for this. And
then I was like, oh, this is actually pretty good,
(28:37):
and she saw me get into it. She was like,
told you.
Speaker 5 (28:42):
But anyway, the thing is, no movie is probably perfect,
and if you know, and if it incorporated perfectly vanilla values,
then it probably would be a dull movie. The thing
is just to talk to kids about these things afterwards,
but they don't think that just torturing someone to death
is appropriate.
Speaker 4 (29:00):
Don't buy your little boy or girl the original copy
of the Brother's Grim Fairy Tables Tales because they are horrific.
But here's a tech. This is just to push back
on us a bit here. This text, I think John says, honestly,
I think traumatized is a bit strong. Well, yes, okay,
we were just being yeah, we're speaking generally, and traumaton
(29:23):
we've just been colorful with our language. Not that sort
of colorful. By the way, this person says in the books,
you're it's a bit too strong using the word traumatized.
Do you guys not know what games kids play on?
The gaming stuff? Killing everyone? It's ghastly And I suddenly realized, actually, right,
movies are probably the last thing you need to worry about.
(29:44):
You just need to play zombies, Dawn of a Dead
or something, or what's that? What's the Grand Theft Order
or whatever?
Speaker 5 (29:50):
Are we running over people and doing crimes and things
like that?
Speaker 4 (29:54):
Maybe we I suddenly feel a little bit like, gosh,
we've meant thing.
Speaker 5 (29:59):
Is because I'm a slack parent. My kids probably played
all those games growing up, and the lovely kids, and so,
you know, I don't necessarily.
Speaker 6 (30:09):
Know whether or not.
Speaker 5 (30:11):
In fact, there has been research done on how much
does these things impact perhaps someone say, tolerance or violence
and everything like this, And I think the research is
probably not yet in all that much. But for most
people it doesn't really nudge them into being more violent
or anything like that. For kids that already have problems
(30:32):
in that area, it nudges them even further. It's like
listening to you know, people used to worry about things
like heavy metal music. Does that have a negative impact
on their morals and things? And the thing is no,
unless the kid is already dipping into that them already,
does it make their depression work worse? Actually it helps some,
(30:53):
But for some that are already troubled stuff like that,
it just carries a bit further. So I think the
thing is there's no easy answers on these ones. But
in general, for kids that are got good influences, good friends,
good families, stuff like that, you know, a lot of
these are probably going to They're probably going to have
the moral resilience to handle that type of stuff. For
(31:15):
kids that are already got a few problems and wrinkles
and things like that, maybe you would be more careful.
Speaker 4 (31:21):
What are the best ways to deal with Getting back
to our original topic, just about adapting to the new
year and things, what do you how do you if
you have a child who's not naturally sociable or doesn't
make friends easily, how would you address that if you're
worried about them? Because these days everyone everyone seems to
(31:43):
kids moving giant cliques of friends, groups and all that
sort of stuff.
Speaker 5 (31:47):
Well, that's a start. You've got to realize that not
all kids need a huge squadron of friends. It's genuinely
okay for a kid to be introverted and only have
one or two really good friends and be quite happy
of that and possibly getting more stressed by having a
big bunch of friends. So, first of all, your kids,
(32:07):
your child may be quite all right with just as
an introvert. The other thing is just to make sure
that there's lots of activities and interests in their child's
life that perhaps placed them into situations and scenarios where
there will be mixing with people their sport, their clubs,
their drama, their kapahaka, all things like that, where there's
(32:29):
at least the opportunity of interacting and mixing of people
so that they do get the chance to Yeah.
Speaker 8 (32:35):
Looks like a call, Jan, Hello, Hi there just your comment, John,
is it?
Speaker 4 (32:43):
Yes?
Speaker 8 (32:45):
Yes, your comment about gaming not being a problem.
Speaker 5 (32:50):
Not always a problem with no, Well, I.
Speaker 8 (32:53):
Think it's always a problem, So I totally disagree.
Speaker 4 (32:57):
Have you ever seen have you ever seen these games?
Speaker 3 (32:59):
Jan?
Speaker 5 (33:00):
Oh?
Speaker 8 (33:00):
Yeah, I've watched them at the library, kids on the computers,
the free computers at the library, and it's frankly shocking.
And I have a theory that all these young people
today that are driving into people and stabbing people and
(33:20):
all this violence that's going on, it's all programmed by
subliminal messaging on those games.
Speaker 6 (33:29):
Well, that is an.
Speaker 5 (33:29):
Interesting theory, but the thing is it's not actually borne
out by facts, in that our levels of violence in
our society are now way less than they were when
I was a child, given by all sorts of measures.
Our sort of measures of violence are that we live
in a much more peaceful society. The thing is we
are much more aware of any violence that there is.
(33:51):
But things like violent crime and things like this. You know,
it might be rising in some areas, and it might
have lift and everything like that, but if you look
back to levels of historical violence, much much lower. And
the other thing is, you know, the kids that are
doing this, for instance, people worry about the playing games
(34:12):
and not playing sport. Actually the ones that play, that
are most into their video games also tend to be
the ones that are into their physical ball games and
sports as well. Of course, we'll know of exceptions, and
the exceptions are the ones you notice.
Speaker 4 (34:23):
I think the headlines, you know, when you see people
doing the kids doing, you know, the ram raids and
all that sort of stuff. Then jan would be saying, well,
that's because they've got a lack of empathy, because they've engaged.
Speaker 6 (34:33):
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (34:33):
It's a bit of a reach though, isn't it.
Speaker 5 (34:36):
That's right, And I mean, if you look at the
factors behind the you know, behind those kids doing that thing. Yes,
you'll probably find they're playing video games, just like you'll
find the kids who are the top performers and model
citizens at in all sorts of schools are also doing
those games.
Speaker 4 (34:54):
And by the way, I've never seen Bambi. Somebody's message
to me saying, I've got no idea how the movie goes.
I hated Bambie thing was the only reprievent. Or man
shot the Ildea and all that cloying, sickly sugar speech
ended and we got to go home traumatized by the sugar,
says Kate. I don't know enough to comment about that,
does it?
Speaker 5 (35:13):
I don't know. I read the book Bambie, and I
think it made me cry. I mean, that's the thing Disney.
Speaker 4 (35:19):
Yellow Yellow who gets rabies, who saves his owner, but
then gets rabies and has to be the boy has
to shoot his own dog.
Speaker 5 (35:24):
Yes, so many of his old stories are real. You know,
there is real drama and Dumbo where the mother is
saying goodbye to little Dumbo or something like that. If
you can watch that about a tear in your eye,
you're not human.
Speaker 6 (35:43):
He knew how to do it.
Speaker 4 (35:44):
So I think a hunter killed Bambie's mum in front
of there isn't that right?
Speaker 6 (35:47):
Right?
Speaker 4 (35:47):
Yeah, but it was all the it was all the
cloying sugarness of that that traumatized Kate. Fair enough, Kate, Hey,
great to talk to John.
Speaker 6 (35:55):
It's always a pleasure.
Speaker 5 (35:56):
I don't know whether we landed on anything particularly conclusive
about helping kids with anxiety, but there we go.
Speaker 4 (36:02):
Well, you know what, it's all part of continuing the converse.
That's right. Remember, hey, thanks, We'll be back in just
amount to rap sport with the larger far fuse with us.
It is eleven minutes to six.
Speaker 1 (36:13):
For more from the Weekend Collective, listen live to news
Talks it'd be weekends from three pm, or follow the
podcast on iHeartRadio.
Popular Podcasts
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
This is Gavin Newsom
I’m Gavin Newsom. And, it’s time to have a conversation. It’s time to have honest discussions with people that agree AND disagree with us. It's time to answer the hard questions and be open to criticism, and debate without demeaning or dehumanizing one other. I will be doing just that on my new podcast – inviting people on who I deeply disagree with to talk about the most pressing issues of the day and inviting listeners from around the country to join the conversation. THIS is Gavin Newsom.