March 9, 2021 • 63 mins
5 Wonka golden ticket winners as adults
Pixar’s Cars start to question their reality
audit causes hijinks
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy, this COVID nineteen
twenty one edition. I'm your host, Pulled Stratton inform Mr
Kevin Poll doesn't mean her aims Shelley. First up, Chris Alvarado, Hey, Chris,
what's an animal fact that's fascinating to you? That m
cheetah's will catch fish with their tail? What? They put
(00:26):
their tail in a little stream and they pulled the
fish out. Isn't that? While that's craws amazing? I got
you the coal. You like that fact? This has been
alchemy this till next up? Awesome? Next up, Mr James Heeney, James,
what word do you think is just inherently funny? Um?
I think booger if it was gonna come, I think if,
(00:49):
just off the top of my head, booger. Okay, I mean,
if you give me ten minutes, I might be able
to find a handful of funnier ones. But that really
comes to mind. It just sounds funny. Bigger, Well write
them down if you think about him. Thro the let
me get ten minutes in the middle of the first scene.
Just chime in with some other funny words and we'll
(01:11):
know what you're doing. Next up, Craig Kakowski, Craig, I
heard you started a cover band. What's it called and
who do you cover? I'm in a kiss cover band
called Hug h U G G hell yeah, and we
only cover the music they did when they didn't have
(01:32):
the makeup on. So so like that. Yeah, nice a
tool saying is here everybody a tool? Who's the best
Dallas cowboy of all time? You're Texas boy man, that's tough,
you know. I think it goes to generations when you're
around to support the team. So I won't go into
the past before I was a fan, before I was born,
(01:54):
so I will stay with Troy Aikman. Um. That's usually
where I land with the one that I got to
watch that I really enjoyed. So yeah, that's probably where
I like Randy White two used to be a linebacker.
I could go on with. Listen, if you give me
ten minutes, I'll come up with ten names whore I
think are the best Dallas cowboy in the world and
who also have funny sounding names. Tell you what that
sounds good in the middle of the first scene to
(02:15):
start throwing down Emmett Smith's or whatever, and uh, we'll
know you're doing it. Uh, finally, Joey Greer is here.
Joey Greer, Joey, you're giving a five word tombstone? What
do you write on it? Nothing? Dude, I'm gonna draw
something with those words. I'm gonna have a dragon, right,
and the dragon is gonna be writing a Harley Davidson
(02:38):
Vintage motorcycle. And it's gonna have instead of those like,
you know, normal handlebars, it's gonna be just these uh,
these pencil tubes. Right, so not like a filled pencil,
but not like a mechanical pencil, talking about a wood
pencil with the lead going through. You know what I'm
talking about. Everyone knows what I'm talking about. And it's
gonna have me in the background. Like it's gonna look
like a like a water mark, if you will, right,
(03:00):
So it's gonna be kind of like is it? Do?
I see it? All? Right? Let's do a damn show everybody?
Are you ready to do this? Joey? Do you need
ten minutes to think about what else you want to
put on that teamb stone? I need ten minutes just
to tell you I know what's on that Pepperonian sausage
is what I used to do good. Hell yeah. All
(03:20):
of our see suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails, or
from our Patreon v I p s. To become a
Patreon supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content and
other perks, just head on over to patreon dot com
slash alchemy this. You'd like to submit a scene suggestion
via email, please write to the podcast at your name
here at alchemy this dot com. That's your name here
(03:40):
at alchemy That ce number one comes from Kristen Kelly,
who wrote congratulations. You are now subscribed to the Improv
Scene Suggestion of the Month Club. This month's suggestion the
five Wonka Golden Ticket winners. Years later as adults, did
they learn anything from their time in the factory? Have
they become better people because of it? Or are they
(04:02):
now barely functioning alcoholics with PTSD and a lifelong fear
of chocolate? Okay, great, if everyone just pick up your
name tag right up here. I know there's only a
couple of us, but you know traditions write a real name. Um.
I mean, you can write whatever you want, thank Carl,
but we all know don't say my real name please,
(04:23):
it's my name charg already. Okay, alright, let's you know what.
I'm sorry, Mike TV. My name is Michael Thomas van Owen. Okay,
can we we're adults now, can we please put that
on there? Sure? So, of course, yeah again, you are
writing this, so you wrote Mike TV. Um, so if
(04:44):
you want to just change that, you're more than welcome.
I do have more name plackards, so if we could
just just lay them on here and different colored sharks
if that was your real name TV, because it seemed
very apt because you're like tvious so much. Yeah, well,
it just happened to be that. I was born into that,
you know, like I didn't really want to like TV,
(05:06):
but that's what it was, and I got obsessed. And
now it's like I don't even own a TV. Okay,
do you not I do on a TV? Or are
you saying stream? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, I just streamed on
my laptop that I'll tell you what. That's that's when
we get started already. Yeah, we're just waiting for two
more people. Okay, she's not coming issue. I don't know.
(05:31):
I haven't been able to get in contact. I'm leaving.
I go by Chuck, Okay, Chuck, are you do you
know what this is? Or this this is the ticket winners? Right?
Yes it is? Oh are you? Oh? I know who
you are? Chuck? Yes, okay, Chuck and I were having
a correspond before. This is a Violet's grandson, Chuck, how
(05:52):
are you? Um? I'm okay. This is a weird group
of people. I thought it was gonna be everybody's grandchildren.
Uh no, No, I'm actually um, I'm yeah. So it's not.
It's not. Is everybody ready for magic? Oh? Okay, you're
(06:14):
all gonna love this. Okay, So this this is a
local magician. He goes by the name of Inferno. Help
our trauma. How does this help the fucking memories that
are burned into my brain? How does this help at all?
Who you are and and what happened to you on
(06:35):
the tour? This is what I'm talking about. I'm the
sixth I'm the sixth winner that nobody ever talked about.
I was in there two hours before you guys showed up. Okay,
and nobody talks about me and nobody knows my story. No,
I was that I won. There was a sixth ticket.
(06:58):
I heard that there was a child wandering around looking
for the restroom. The whole time. That's what I heard.
But I was a kid. I was a child. Look
that chocolate river is also a restaurant. I had to
go peep. Is that so bad? Now? Magic guy, make
these memories go away. Here's a rabbit. Yeah it's dead.
(07:23):
It's a dead rabbit, Yes it is. I wasn't supposed
to hold it that long inside my jacket. But your
story about kind of took a little bit longer. So
just in what do you want another rabbit? Jesus man,
what are you doing with these animals? I'm doing, Magic Man.
I don't know if you've seen my website, inferno magic
dot com. Check it out, all right, he'll show you all.
(07:44):
I mean, well, I've gone to it. It's just a
tumbler account. It's just like, there's no rule that says
a tumbler can be your website. I guess you're right. Look,
I've just been getting a lot of flak. Um My
my bunny distributors have been asking me a lot of questions,
like why don't I need so many bunny He's like,
keep one of those bunny. I'll trade you a balloon bunny,
one of your bunnies. Here we go, give me a second,
(08:12):
here you go, I'm gonna need money for the bunny.
I'm not gonna take a bunny balloon. Look, I'm gonna
be honest with you, man, I'm a bunny distributor. Like
I make money getting bunnies out there. But the amount
of bunnies that you were asking for and and granted,
I am making money from you, friend, but it's suspicious.
I know that, all right. Look, I'm just I took
(08:34):
this meeting with you. I decided to break bread with
you because I respect you, all right. I respect you, okay,
and I respect our relationship. Set it. By the way,
it's fantastic. Those are good. Look, I'm a bunny breeder, okay,
And I know you distribute the bunnies, but I can't
just make them breathe just because you want them all
the time. Look, I gotta demand do you have the
(08:56):
supply economics? Friend? Look, it's just kind of suspicious. No
other distributor wants that many. Honey. Our daughter has been
missing some bunnies lately, and it's it's a suspicious amount.
At the last week counting, we had two thousand bunnies
and it seems like we're missing almost seven d she's
(09:17):
upset and she blames you. She thinks you've been getting
rid of them. I have, Diane, Diane, I've been selling them.
It's my job. What do you just love bunnies as
much as we did? What am I love? I love
the bodies, I love, I love the bunnies. But I
(09:40):
I breed him and I sell them to a distributor
to distribute yourself. You know. Okay, thank you everyone for coming.
Your name cards are right there. You can also rewrite
them if you'd like. You know, we're all the wives
who have been lied to by her husbands about what
their jobs were. All right, and as everyone's coming in,
I can. I'll just speak over everyone as they're coming in,
just as the way a formality. My name is Gail.
(10:03):
I'm not gonna give my last name, but it rhymes
with hammer and uh so, just so you know, my husband,
I thought he was a tire repair mechanic. He actually
was importing and exporting illegal stone. So that's what everybody
there for. Yes they are, Yes they are. Who's ready
to juggle? Oh everyone, this is Frosty. He's gonna do
(10:29):
some magic for us. Don't do magic, all right, I'm
I'm the best juggler in town. When you say magic,
it just Sully's the whole thing. This is this is
why I don't tell my wife about this. Wait wait
wait wait wa wait wait hold on, what did you
just say? I keep this a secret. Get My grandmother
(10:55):
was part of the class action lawsuit for all the
kids that got sick that the competition, and I thought
that there's gonna be a lot of other people that
we're suffering from the same thing. This is now a
genial matter. I mean, it's true a lot of people
got mess with leoma when they walk through the factory. Um. Yeah,
(11:16):
And and that's not something that nobody else seems to
be talking about this they're worried about. What are they worried? What? What? What?
What are we worried about? What about the sickness that
you can't see? Huh? What about the diagnosis that doesn't
come to you? You know, the sickness I can't see
my grandma. My grandma's the sickness I can't see. You
guys should be considering yourself lucky. You lucky. Look at
(11:41):
these fucking tats I have all over my chest. You
see that that's a map, that's the map. That's the
path I took in that fucking factory. You think I'm lucky. Yeah,
let's get another drink. So, Chuck, you're telling me that
you went to the meet up with all those people
who went to that freak factory and then you just
you harass them for trumpery not a freak factory. But
(12:02):
I don't know. I thought that I just was imagining
that they'd be sick. I thought that we could all
bond over the sickness, like you know, that's something that happens. Jack,
What did you say? Your actions were a little sick
to drinks? Thank you, thank you very much. No, it's
just that I don't know. I was really close to
my grandmother. She named me after you know, Charlie. Oh,
(12:26):
I see you, Rick, we need to have a talk.
We'll take the extra time. These are free, right, these
are freak as you're sucked up. We don't take this back. Yeah,
I'm fine here. Oh yeah, do you mind putting this
on my Wonka card? What do you put this? Do
you work for Wonka? No? But my bank is Wonka Bank.
(12:48):
Oh sorry, I've just been I feel like sometimes I'm
getting I don't know, spied on by the Wongs just
because we were part of the class action lawsuit trying
to look for a flaw, exploit me, make me the
bad guy. Do you really think Wonka is looking at
you man, all the lawsuits they got, So you want
(13:09):
to open up an account here at Wonka Bank? Yeah,
I'm in line, sir. Sorry, sorry, well, um, let me
just walk you through the paperwork. Care come with me,
and you'll see two point three per annual percentage right
(13:31):
and minimal. You don't got it. You don't get a
thing from I just have the corporates watching. They're everywhere.
Look at to see those little cameras up there. If
that's those those candy cameras. Yeah, but they're they're they're
four K and um they If I don't seem through
all the rules and regulations like I will, I will
(13:54):
have to eat something that will probably kill me. So
just let me eat you the terms and we can
beat this. I've got free checking in banking for you.
I'm gonna go over here, Hey, Gustus, how you hey?
(14:17):
How are you holding up? Pretty well? I mean this, uh,
this locks and bagels platter is fantastic, It's pretty nice.
It's pretty nice. Do you ever have any dreams weird dreams? No?
Hell yeah you ever? You ever you ever think about
maybe going back to the factory, you know, just do it'll,
I'll walk through. I've want to drink that entire chocolate
(14:41):
river and eats that liquorice tree. Yeah, I mean, you know,
the candy's gone. It's kind of like a Rundown water
park now. But I feel like it would do me good,
you know. I mean, we still all have our golden tickets,
right maybe we could just show those at the gate,
maybe that they let us hand. I mean I have
mine right here, always carrying mine with me. Okay, guys,
(15:04):
So I talked to the front desk and they said
they will extend our stay here in the Flamingo room.
So we're gonna be able to be here for another
half hour to forty five minutes. It's not exciting. So
I got we're gonna go over to the factory. What
we're gonna go to the abandon No no, no, no, no,
no, no no, hold on, everyone, hold on. Maybe it'll be
good for us everyone. Okay, everyone, sit down, sit down.
(15:25):
I got a gun with us. I got a candy
gun on you right now, sit down, listen. I'm a Wonka.
It's it's a little sweet and tart. Okay, now on
the barrel. No, get all the get away from my gun.
He ate my gun. Good job you found out. Listen.
I'm a candy robot. I'm a special agent for the
Wonka Corporation. If you think for a second, we haven't
(15:47):
been keeping tabs on you since the day you left.
Looks like laughy taffy. No, don't don't don't eat me.
I don't do it, Mike, we're all robots. Hey, guys,
I don't have a car, but that magicians outside of
his van. Maybe we can hop in there. M all right,
(16:12):
Hey magine guy. Yeah, yeah, but what do you want
to make fun of me before you kick me out again? No? No, no,
we're sorry. We're sorry for doing that. Hey, do you
want to go in a real magic ride? Yeah? You're
Tom Drugs. Yeah, I got a PC guy. He's more
of a distributor, but he gets it out. He still
(16:35):
do PC. Yeah. How are you doing here in front
of who the hell are all these fucking people? You know?
Carl uh? If don't give me your government, don't give
me your government. Man goes to school don't give me
your government man, Michael Thompson Van Owen. How you know
he goes by MTV not my EMPTV. What the hell
(17:04):
is going on? Man? I need PCP. Man. These guys
all want to go on a magic ride, if you
know what I mean? Oh yeah, hell yeah, you know
what I got? Um, I got a defunct little little
track card over here, goes around all was really fucked
up garbage areas around here. A right, but it'll come
right back. It'll look right back over here to my trailer.
(17:25):
So once you can get a little track card, you
know what I mean, like a little roller coaster. We
just want we just want to drug. I just want
a drug. We don't want to go in a roller coaster.
You sure you don't have? What is that? Do? Do? Do?
That's just a little roller coaster? Are you go? Man?
(17:50):
Just the BCP man Sherman Hamlesley, Sherman Angel dust sweet
All right, everybody, Well let's dance. Let's dance. Well right
now that we're all hopped up on piece of the factory. Man,
let's go, guys, let's go. Very's Charlie Bucket, by the way,
(18:15):
I mean, I know he runs the factory now he's
head of Voca Enterprises. He should be here. And what
about fucking Farruca Salt? Yeah, what about he's weird. We're
missing some major players days. Yeah, like I mean his
grandson showed up, Like why am I here? You know
what I mean? No one even knows my story? Huh
(18:39):
oh ship Hello, this PC piece sucking me up? Who
is hello? What's going on? Okay? Every I see movement,
I'm should Charlie's grandpa, Joe, you're still alive? I yes,
how do you know my name? Every towards the factory
fifty years ago? Oh? God, the fat amish child. I
(19:03):
know you never you're like a hundred and thirty? What
do they have in that factory? They even keeping me alive,
removing my organs and put in inside. I don't think
I'll ever die. I've seen. What are you doing out here? Charlie, Charlie,
(19:27):
get back inside. Oh I'm sorry, I love you, Charlie.
Oh my god. You guys aren't allowed here. Your golden
tickets are expired and there's no expirations and Mike and
uh Carl, Carl, Carl, I don't know, Carl, acustus, Mike,
(19:48):
you know that you're not allowed here. This is a
lost cause you guys look like chie Look look you
might have one, but we got messed up for our
entire lives. And we're not leaving until we get a
vowal of that phizzy im or tal and he drink
that Uncle Joe took. Okay, and I want to go
in that glass a little bitter. Man. I'm so listen.
You don't know what it's like to be Uncle Joe. Okay,
(20:08):
Grandpa Joe as I call him. But he's not your grandpa. Okay,
he's not even He's more candy than he is human.
Now is that what you want? Yeah? Alright, then come inside,
Come inside, don't touch the wallpaper. We brought this magician
with us. Is that cool? If he comes with us?
Hi is your card three of space? That's a four clubs?
(20:37):
Oh man? Tim Burton really ruined it, didn't He just
got a little weird in the second act. I thought,
sure did. I'm disappointed, man, I mean, I really thought
it would be a little closer to the book. I mean,
everybody knows the class elevator second and I don't know, man,
(20:57):
we're trying to watch the movie. Keep it down it's
also like three and a half hours long. I mean
this PCP segment has just been I mean that's almost
a tool to make it longer. That's what that's what's interesting.
I want to see the ending of this movie. I
want to see it now. O Varuca And that's the
(21:19):
first scene. All right. See two is from patriar v
I P. William Craft, who wrote I have another scene suggestion.
The characters in Pixar's Cars, or any world inhabited by
sentient vehicles, there are a ton of kids shows like
this start to wonder about their origin and question their existence.
(21:40):
Why have they taken over the role of humans? Why
are they still designed for humans? What the hell is
going on? Also, how do they procreate? I figured a
scene about existential crisis will be fitting in the time
of COVID. Thanks W Devon Craft esquire, Hey, fellas, welcome
(22:06):
to stuff like guys having a good day. Not really.
It's hot as hell. It's hot. It's hot, it's hot.
Shee's hey. When that light hits green, I'm on my
way to go on a little date a date. Yeah,
(22:26):
I'm just doing deliveries even when I'm on break. I'm
an idol it sucks. Yeah, I get it. Well, I
got to meet out of it. Calling my name, I'll
see you later, he's remember remember hi, Man, how's it going.
(22:51):
It's I've seen better days. I'm not a big fan
of this delivery thing. Yeah, I kind of want to
just I don't know, I kind of want to just
take a break. I don't know, man, you don't I
mean I could give you that break, man, I could
take over your deliveries. I'm so busy just you know,
racing all the time and and you know, carrying this franchise.
I'd love to just take a break, man, and just
(23:11):
you know, deliver things. Man. Huh, Well, I don't know
how I can help you. I'm just basically I wake
up and the first thing that the man wants me
to do, it's what I gotta do. I never thought
of it that way. Man. It's like I never really
wanted a race, but that's what I do. You know
(23:34):
I did. I would love to try to race. I'd
like to have some other goal than just to be
the the middleman between here and there. He go to
this like a little auto shop down on the corner there,
and we could, like, I don't know, I don't want
to go to an auto shop. They don't treat me
good there. Now listen, our water is running. Hello, all right,
(23:54):
I don't know how many humans are left out there,
but these goddamn cars are getting more and more powerful
by the day. And I'm sick and tired of keeping No, no, no, no,
I'm just sticking tired of this. I'm sick and fucking
tired of this. Now we got here, we take out
that leader, we take out that goddamn plymouth, Fury, and
then we reclaim this earth for ourselves. You understand that
these cars aren't gonna run this planet anymore. Not touching her.
(24:15):
I'm not touching Fury. I mean they're powerful, they have engines,
they're bigger than us, and they are they smarter? Can
they feel enough? They're smart enough? Right now? He's okay, fine, okay, okay,
then I guess I'm gonna have to do this so
low huh. That means by myself, what's the plan? What's
(24:39):
the plan? I found all these potatoes. We're gonna put
all these potatoes and their tail pipes. Okay, let you
knowlad their engines. I don't know, Duda. My name's Jane
the name's Jane. Okay, hey Jane, Hey, Hey, you look gorgeous. Thanks.
(25:02):
I was thinking maybe we could drive over to uh
makeout point. It's our first state. Okay, don't get ahead
just to look over, just to look at the water
and stuff. Okay, I guess, but follow me. I can't
keep you drive fast? Yeah, yeah, okay, so I can't breathe. Well,
(25:33):
look here a couple of cars driven to make up point. Like,
what what's your plan now that you're here? You can't
get in each other because you're both cars, and how
are you going to make out? And what's what's the
next step? That's easy? Well I'm gonna well sure because
(25:55):
she well, I'm yeah exactly. You haven't thought it out. Look,
I know you want to go rise up against those cars, man,
all right, but we gotta have a plan. Calm down,
And I got one. I didn't want to bring this
kind of the group, but I saw you up a
(26:17):
car makeout point the other night, and you had your
you had your dick in a gas tank. But what
about come here? All right, listen to me right now,
you shut the hell up. Okay. I was doing preliminary tests.
I was seeing if I could sacrifice myself to destroy
the cars. Yeah, that's how crazy I got. That's how
desperate I got to save us. You had a you're
(26:38):
still coughing, Jane. I mean you're still coughing. You have
like a like a human cough almost. That's weird. I
feel something's happening to me. It's not your air filter. No,
I just got that change, Jane. I'm gonna cut right
to it. Did you fucking human? I knew you wouldn't
(27:01):
take this the right way? Such a you're such a
carust All you can do is I'm a car. But
we can live with the humans? Can we can live
with the humans? What do you in love with him?
I don't understand them who were the same? So you're
gonna have like a hybrid baby? There, half human, half car?
Are you still here? How does that work? How does
(27:23):
that even work? What does it come out of? Where
do he put it? Tell me where? You know your business?
I'm out of here, hybrid baby? I mean, I feel
like worst case scenarios. You got a bunch of seamen
in your gas tank. But I don't know. I don't
know what that's gonna do. Mom Dad, None of the
(27:48):
other human boys or cars will play with me. Maybe
you should just kill me. I don't know what I am. No, No,
this is this is from your side of the family.
This is where he gets to height. This is where
he gets us. You know you're special, You're You're gonna
save but everyone the whole planet. Don't you understand you're
the future. This is because you kept feeding him fucking
(28:08):
potatoes all day and night. Oh what the hell do
I have? Uh? Just look at me. My eyes are headlights.
My mouth is a human mouth. I've got two mufflers
and keep going, keep going. I got junk in the
trunk for real. Hey, delivery truck. Uh huh? You want
(28:37):
to bring some real meaning to your life? Oh god, yeah,
oh god, yeah please, I got one special delivery you
should make. Huh two and a half tons of C four.
We're gonna drive into the gas station and blow up
every last human here. What do you man? My humans
actually not so bad. John's just trying to make it bies.
(28:59):
Just don't even tune you up. John. Let you drive
around with scratches. Your tires are low. Yeah, it's just
kind of you know, I wouldn't call them blow so much?
Is they're you know, soft through soft tires. Those humans
they think the better than us. But do you realize
(29:20):
it will happen if it's me Like I've got two
tons of sheep and finally be worth something. Is that
what you think I'm worth? Blow boom, Sector two of
the Underground Wonka Facility, Mr Wonka. I've looked at the
preliminary data. It looks like you're your projects are moving forward.
(29:45):
The cars and humans have good good No, I can
hear you. I just didn't expect this update. This is
this was really best. Usually like nine months gestation for
a human human I was imagining more or less, not
by much. Well, you have the best imagination in the world, sir.
(30:07):
Have you told crapa Joe? I have not gone to
the chamber yet, sir. It's to freaks me out, be honest,
all right, to drinks? Wait you guys already? Rick, goddamnit?
Well these are free still right, because they're they're free.
(30:28):
Come out, human, Come out. I got a couple of
words to say to you. Yeahre, you are what a
weird look? If you come you're a weird looking guy.
First of your tires will explode. Oh yeah, is that right?
One of their spike strips. Oh ship, there are spice
strips everywhere. All right, listen, don't do that. Don't do that?
(30:57):
All right? So what are we doing? Man? This is voice? Yeah,
that's the place. What's you guys say? No base? Yeah?
Bah huh, all right, same thing if you if you
(31:21):
move forward, there's a spike strip it'll blow your tyrants.
And I'm not planning and driving back. I'm coming forward. Hey, dad,
can I have a w D forty caprice? Son? Wait?
What the heck is going? Game? Dinging? Oh, ladies and gentlemen.
(31:50):
After the explosion, there was only one survivor and we're
here live with him. I will tell you he is
a hybrid, so please, uh please, your discription advised? Um,
can you tell us a little bit about the explosion
and and what happened right before it? Uh? And is
that your mouth a regular Wow? It's a regular mouth. Yeah.
(32:11):
My eyes are headlights. So UM, if I put my
brides on, I get too excited. So you know, if
I did that happen, so let me know. Um, it
was terrible, Like I I just wanted something to drink
and I went outside and this old dumpy delivery truck
with like the license plate was hanging off the side
(32:32):
and it had like an unkept mustache on the front. Anyways, Um,
it's it's something he was with like a flashy car
and um news crew, news crew. So we're right in
the middle of interview. Sorry, sorry, I thought this was
the press conference. I'm Speedy Tires, Current Driver magazine. Yeah,
let me just finish with the sir, please, just wondering
(32:55):
what kind of biolage the hybrid get your tires are
gonna get in a lot of the spikes, every word,
Just be careful, Okay, let me just finish the interview
with this. No, no, it's it's okay. I can answer that. UM.
I get it's pretty good. I get, uh, forty five
freeway City and twenty at school. All right, what's the MSRP?
(33:18):
All right, we're gonna send it back to the uh
the station where I cover car news for car going
back to your Ted. What oh shoot, it wasn't ready.
Uh hey it's me Ted. So much news, so much happening.
Just read the prompter, Ted, read the prompter. I'm happy
(33:39):
to be doing the news for you. Happening, happening, that's
what's happening. Happened Uh, oh god, it's not his fault.
I program the prompter wrong. I wrote, I'm happy to
be doing the news from you. Happenings happening, happening. Oh god,
I car apocalypse going on right now? Why are we
even still doing the news like we we've got We've
(34:02):
got more important things to do, like destroying the sentient
cars that they were running rampage all over this world.
Job is the news. You do the fucking news until
I pay you to stop doing that fucking news. You
got it fail all right, Mr Murdoch, al right back
in there, get the pamptor going, get ted back on
his drugs and get the fucking news out. Cars taking
(34:25):
over the world. What is my life? It just turned
the news off. I hate watching news. You know, there's
a golf channel on or some of the two drinks?
Thanks what there was other people watching the news. It's
kind of important, so I wasn't. So let's watch the
golf channel and to drink. How are you too? How
(34:48):
are we really really? How we my section? Sorry? You
guys can keep them. It's I'm I'm not gonna make
any money. Hi, I'm a I'm here for the meetup. Cuckoo. Cuckoo? Mhm,
(35:10):
what who was cuckoo? I think that I think that
that's just that that doesn't make any sense with me.
There's no secret password for this meet up. Oh I
think if there's a secret pass, where are you secretly going?
Maybe we should go. Well, have you guys trying the
(35:31):
cooling and winking? Well, it happens a lot of doors.
I think this is I think this might be a
relationship that I don't think this is a meet up
thing he's doing. We're just on business. Wait, I don't
know what meetup to blow up every fucking car? Oh
my god, no, what do you what do you mean?
(35:51):
I mean we're just having drinks. So you're a car.
We don't even like to watch the news. We try
not to get political. So you like cars, then, well,
I'm just trying to enjoy myself out, just trying to
enjoy yourself, just trying to enjoy yourself. Step in. Oh a,
(36:14):
you're gonna have your drink bread or no? Yeah, I
definitely want to keep this drink you can't have Oh,
I don't drink it, I mean drink. I don't want
to cuckoo cuckoo. Oh yeah, you're you're looking for the
wrong thing. Man. Let's just let's just jump ahead and
(36:35):
so dukids are kicking his ass. Hi. Um, look, this
is awkward for me too. This is my first time.
I think I'm the first hybrid ever try to do
it um with a person. Um, just pay me the
money and you can do whatever you want. But I
(36:58):
have had a lot of first before. I don't want
to take good care of you, baby, okay, but I
gotta warn you. I don't I don't know how this
all works. I don't know what will happen if I
get too heated. Um I do like, fine, Okay, you're
in the right place, all right. Well here's here's the money. Um,
(37:25):
it's mostly it's a combination of dollar bills and lug nuts.
I see that, I see that. It's all good to
your baby. Okay, let's see what you're working with here.
Oh my god, is that an eight ball shifter? It is?
It's an eight ball shifter. I don't know. I don't
know if this is gonna work, baby. I mean, just like,
(37:48):
keep changing gears and we'll see what happens. Okay, where's
your clutch? Where's your clu cut? Right? Right? There. Yeah, okay, okay,
high beams, high beams. Oh Jesus, Oh Jesus, green warning,
(38:10):
leave horrified. I left my I left my truck right outside.
I was only gone for a second when I walked
up to the door, and I think somebody stole it.
I don't know where the truck went for the last time.
(38:31):
I'm not going to give you money, okay, come on,
I just need a little bit of money to get
the next delivery truck. I need to keep working. I
can see the PCP in your mustache. That's not PCP.
I was baking. I was baking, Tim. I love you, man,
(38:55):
my brother. I can't why does why does Tim Burton
left PCPs so much? This is the second movie when
I don't understand why they're letting him have control of
these franchises that he shouldn't be touching their classics already
and you know, yeah the second act just hey, down
down in front fellas. Yeah, we're in front of you.
(39:17):
You're staying around in front of me at this drive through.
I'm enjoying the film myself. Of course, I'm a car.
Yeah we know, dude, we know you're a car. This
is why people don't like cars, right, what's that? Could
you speak up a little? Um? No, all right, just
(39:40):
just mind you when you watch the movie and said
people don't like cars, all right? You yeah, Wait a second, wait,
there's an there's another car coming in. It's an old
delivery truck. I didn't know they allowed those into the
drive fins man, let's have something to deliver. I guess
(40:01):
in the middle of screening, it just seems weird. No,
just jove would be crazy if it was there from
the movie that. Hey, I'm sorry to interrupted y'all are
talking too much for this driving movie. Okay, so you
both gotta just do these two parts. Complease just just
(40:23):
please be quiet? All right? What did you sell people
trying to enjoy the movie? So I'm saying, calm down,
shut the funk up, all right. A lot of people
pay good money to come here to watch this drive
through movie. All right. Hey, that's Tim Burton. He's he
only at those two guys, So just do me a
favor and enjoy the goddamn art. Okay, I guess the
drive through movie. You're just supposed to just keep moving,
you see, like five minutes of it tough. Yeah, that's right,
(40:46):
that's our second See three is from Tyler. Hey, I'm
an auditor at a manufacturing company, and I suggest in
a scene in which an alchemist was auditing insert random
fictitious company here and found something deeply concerning wacky or wild.
(41:08):
Hi jinks, ensue, Thanks Tyler. Yes, so this is um
this is where the where the factory of floors. You
can see here through the window. There. That's all the
workers there. I think you're over here. This is our
main office right here. I think this is my first rodeo.
Is that what's happening right now? I'm getting the reach
(41:29):
around on my on my first day. I just wanted
to show you I've audited every company you can think of. Okay,
I go in, I look in manufacturing, and I tear
him a new one. So you think this little sweet
tour is going to do anything, Janice, then you're mistaken.
We've got nothing high. Do you like an espresso? We
have an espresso. Make sure I do love an espresso.
(41:51):
You know, I didn't like him for a long time,
but I said, what's why would George Cluney support it?
And so I started drinking it. You know what I'm saying.
Don't get off track. Oh, Jannis, is this the is
this the auditor? Yeah? I'm Dan. I work up in
a package. It's really great to have great. I hope
(42:13):
you have fun auditing today. We've got everything in order,
and I think that you're gonna really love the place.
I think this is a joke. Do you think I'm
coming to play around? Got free time? I have forty
agents down here to shut this plant down. I don't know.
We want you to audit if we have anything wrong,
our safeties at hand, So if you please let us know,
(42:36):
please let me just trying to do a good job.
Did you tell me we have an espresso machine? I
just did. I just did so, Mr Pontiac, I'm gonna
give you this. This key. It opens up every door
in the facility, will let me in everywhere. It's not magic,
it's just it's the general universal key. Yeah, universal key.
(43:00):
So go ahead, talk to any of our employees, open
any filing count you know, do what you want quick.
Little thing we will be having in an out truck
coming later for free burgers. I don't know if you like.
It is Tuesday, but you can't bribe me one thing.
You look at you look at my yelp reviews, They'll say,
Phil Pontiac cannot be bribed. Okay, well, enjoy the facility,
(43:20):
all right? Oh Phil, I really hope you audited the
hell out of them, But you kind of forgot that
it was your weekend with Troy, So I want I
don't even care what he says. What happened to you? Man?
(43:41):
I mean, we used to be so in love and
then you fucking you audited our marriage and found that
we shouldn't be together. That's what was That's exactly my job.
I did whatever that I'm the best at. I used
that analysis on our wedding. And nobody likes Troy at school. Well,
all right, because he learned it from you. He's auditing
(44:02):
every friendship he's ever had. I mean, what is what
went wrong? Troy? More like me than I realized? Uh? Look,
Troy pissed? Troy? What do you mean you have questions
for us? Pick up your skateboard. Let's go. Hold on
a second, Hold on a second. Here, okay, well look
(44:27):
at this. Look at the bearings on your skateboard. Here,
look at the third wheel on the back. All right,
you see how it's not going in rotation with the
other wheels. You know what. I'm gonna have to take
this board away from you. This is I'm safe. This
is an unsafe board. Dude. Dude, that's not your board
to take from him. Oh isn't it? Then who is?
If he's not going to protect himself, then then who
Then what's gonna happen? He's gonna get injured, possibly injured
(44:49):
somebody else. And I don't think any of us here
have the insurance to cover that. You take the fun
out of everything, Troy. We're just trying to have a
skate day. Guys. I don't want me to interrupt, but
look who's coming, Blake the bully. Keep cool, Keep cool?
Oh what's up? Skaters? Oh no, skaters, skateboards. Blake, don't
(45:15):
push us. That's dangerous. I'll push you as much as
I want. Blake stop. Okay, you're gonna hurt somebody. Oh
since when you are you concerned about injuries? Right now?
When I break your elbow? Oh my god, you just
snapped my elbow? And up, Oh my god, he snapped
(45:39):
another kid's elbow. And what do you want me to
stop showing him Steven Seagal movies for one, but two,
you need to be a dad. A dad. Kids make mistakes, Okay,
but he's now thinking that he's the enforcer down on
the playground and then it's cool. It hits his job
to make sure everybody's following the rules. You gotta stop.
(46:02):
Stephen Sagal is one of the best father figure somebody
could have. I was raised on steven Sagall. He's gonna
be raised on it. Don't tell me how to break
this is what this was was in our audit. You're
telling me what to do. Janis Janets getting Get in
here and close the door behind yourself. Did you bring
(46:24):
your fucking baby to work? No, he was just a
squeaky door. Thank Jesus. Why don't you refer my baby
is my fucking baby? What's going on on Friday? You
gave that auditor the master key? What the funk were
you thinking? You're so lucky that nothing happened? Okay? Did
(46:45):
he Did he have the espresso? Yeah, you'd liked it.
Thank you for I appreciate this meeting. No, this isn't
an appreciation meeting. I need to have a play by play.
If everything he saw is he gonna come back and
bite me in the escalator? Channis, he does have he
said he will be doing a secondary um review tomorrow.
So tomorrow find we'll find out that everything you need
(47:07):
to burn, all the extra limbs and organs in the
basement I need out here. We are going to take
that risk again because the harvest those baby limbs and
baby but it's all over it. That guy, he's not
gonna get out down there. He's not going to use
the universal keeper downstairs. Nobody goes downstairs. I told him
about the in and out. I showed him the factory floor.
(47:29):
He's not going to check out the organ, So relax
and if something happens, I'll take care of him. Yeah.
I mean that's pretty much the two floors. Uh. And
then there's the basement and the sub basement and all that.
Answer me this, what about this right here? That's a
(47:49):
squeaky door, even trying to fix something? My baby? Excuse me,
that's my baby. I'm so sorry. Sorry, excuse me. Hi,
I hope you have any good day part of it? Yeah? Yeah,
it was your baby behind the door. Yeah, is your
baby being attended to? He's he has a jot? Else
is behind this door? Oh my god, it's my other baby.
(48:14):
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, babies on the factory floor.
Oh yeah, not good. Let me just check this door.
Another babyl that's the door. That's the door the manager here? Um,
(48:39):
this is just a customer on the factory floor. I
don't I'm not a manager. I'm one of the Yeah,
who I am? When you answer my question? Hold on?
Hold on? What do you think your position is here?
I don't know I was. I always think like research
and development head, you mop and take the trash out.
(49:02):
I'm very concerned about this customer being on the factory floor.
Can we not a customer? I will reveal who I
am once somebody answers my question. Okay, but I mean
you have to admit though I have brought a lot
of good ideas up when we have development. Could be
the manager, per se, But I am the highest employee
in your purview that I use that right. Oh anyway,
(49:27):
how can I help you? I can take you to
my boss if you'd like. Great, that's what I was
hoping for. I've got a truck full of of baby
limp pickers from the border. I'm sorry you were coughing
while I was talking, which may be impeded everyone's ability
to hear the thing I was saying, yes, yes, baby
(49:47):
limb pickers. What I feel like you should cough during
that to be consistent, White Ralph? What's your job here? Well,
I mean I thought to repeat things you shouldn't be repeating,
phil Um. I don't know how to say this, but
how I was trying to find Um his literal league glove,
(50:08):
and I was looking through your drawers and I found
a bunch of baby limbs. Are you taking a kickback?
Did you take a kick back on that audience just
because you're not getting a percentage of my baby limbs?
Is that what this is about? You can have half
half baby limbs for you, half baby limps for me.
It's not about the baby limbs, Phil, it's the fact
(50:31):
that you all these years you talk about how you're
in the right, you're doing these audess this whole time.
You're the dishonest one you were taking. You're taking your
yell reviews are live? Phil? There? Try what the hell's
in your pocket? Dude? It looks like a little finger
it is. Let that hell flip me off with the
(50:55):
fake arm. Fake that's a real baby limb. How do
you know what's going on here? They say it will
take six months to heal. No, thanks to you. This
is you guys doing trading baby lamps like little babies.
(51:19):
Shut up, blake this right here. It's not a baby,
it's a candy baby. My dad ordered one of the
Wanka Corps subsidiary companies. And he says subsidy. It means
under this subsidiary baby, don't give me a Wendy let go.
And he says that they're creating candy kids. No way.
(51:45):
Troy took a baby arm to school and he ate
it thinking it was candy. Alright, Phil, it's disguise. I
want those. What I do. This is the best thing
I can have. Maybe he wants to see me now
try all right, that's worth the shot. But he's getting
to like me. He likes what I'm doing here. You
(52:06):
don't want, honey, you want more baby limbs you have,
I'll give you all the legs. I don't want baby limbs, Phil,
I don't need them. I just I feel like I
need to turn you in. What it's you just need
to do the odds. If you're taking things, it's just
it's just it's legal, it's a moral it's wrong. I'm
not upset about the baby limp. Part of this all
(52:28):
just the fact that you would take them. So, doctor,
how long will it take for this baby limb to get,
you know, catch up with the rest of my limps?
Is it just gonna it's gonna grow bigger, right? Like? Uh,
what I what I got when I asked for it?
(52:52):
It works well, but it's just so small. It's like
I was expecting for the price that this hospital's charted.
So what we can do. I can remove your torso
and I can put a baby tors o there. That
way it will fit in with the baby arm. Is
that something that I'm not looking for? A baby torso? Okay,
then I'm gonna have a this giant head and a
(53:12):
baby torso I need. I thought it's just baby limp,
not gonna grow into an adult limp. Weird, you have
a you look even weirder than I do, and I
have headlights for eyes and a human mouth. Oh I
don't look you you're a freak. Oh thank you. I
mean it looks it looks I mean I shouldn't even
(53:33):
be out here. I mean I just lost my car
ginity and I just don't know if it's God damn it,
this is a good thing for us. You're gonna get
a tip about a tip out of this cuckoo cuckoo?
Oh show, what the fuck is this happening? Cuckoo cuckoo? Yeah,
(53:54):
I'm the guy you were supposed to meet. I'm just
I'm sitting at a high backed booth with my back window.
I started working. I started working here. No, I couldn't
see you. You couldn't see me. I just picked a
bad place. Yeah, how like? Yeah, you've been working here
for a couple of weeks. Right, Yeah, yeah, I'm not
I'm not as angry anymore. So I think I'm kind
of out and to drink. You have six now, guys,
(54:17):
let's have a meeting in the back. Sorry, I just
keep them. Well, Troy, we're really happy to have you here.
Your father told us a lot about you, and he
said you'll be doing a junior audit today. We're really
excited about that, Troy. Yeah, you're gonna be doing a
(54:40):
junior audit. Today's funny. What's that? Oh my god? Is
that a machete? Yeah? I taped to a middle finger.
Going on to Troy, I don't know you like coffee.
I'm not going to drink caffeine. Well, it's too dangerous.
(55:05):
The rate of addiction with caffey to anything is so
high that if you touch it with your lips you'll
get addicted. Fact, it's not as it's not any more
dangerous than taping a machette to your finger, is it. Well,
maybe I don't know what's dangerous anymore. So Choice out
of the house. He's doing my job for the day.
(55:26):
We're alone. Do you wanna grabbing my gearshift? I shouldn't
even be here. You're stuck on the baby heads now
it's part of the job. Choice probably going through a
million right now. It's just just there's there's framed baby
(55:49):
parts all over this place. It just doesn't make any
sense what's going on here? Or disgraced hard trying to
funk a human car hybrid Jesus five and neighborhood bully,
and I can wad anybody's house and be little. Is
that a cast on your whole arm? Yes, my arm
(56:11):
is healing because your your son snapped at it. Two
wait it signed? We love you Blake Salt? Are you
Fucus Salts grandson? Yes, she settled out in America. The
(56:31):
whole whole families americanized out so funny. Wait, what's what
you're You're in my apartment yelling at us, and just
get out? All right, get out? What kind of ter
your cataforda whole? We're separated, we're separated. Okay, you're a bully.
You're a bully. You know what do I do to bullies?
(56:56):
My rebo broken in half? All right, we're gonna be
able to attach a couple of limbs on your elbows. There.
I should speed up with the uh, the repairing of
the bone, if you will, um. Yeah, So it should
be like that for the next two to three years,
and then we can starry the modes that I missed
all of this so far? Did you miss all of that? Huh?
(57:18):
You know what? You spoiled piece of ship? You know,
I'm a goddamn physician. Do you know that? Can you
spell physician? A? Y? See? God, you're a dumbass. Listen
to me. You gotta listen what adults are talking. This
is why you're in the position you're in. Okay, you
gotta get your life together. Okay, Look, I don't have
(57:39):
to listen to a subcar who thinks he's a doctor. Okay, alright,
I'm an ambulance. I am a doctor. I think I
know what I'm doing. You drive around people who are hurt.
Just not the same thing. It's the same It's not
the same same thing, Blake, it's the same thing. It's
the same thing. This world has gone to shut since
(58:02):
cars get sentient and try to human society. Just create
a car society of their own. You know what, Maybe
we willn't They don't wipe out all the humans. Oh yeah,
I try it. Doctor. If you're one o'clock is here?
It's a guy with that what did you just call me? Doctor?
That's right? Do you hear that? Blake? You told us
(58:23):
to call you doctor? You made us, he said, I'm sorry,
you're one o'clocks here? Do you want to see it's
the same guy. He's back with the baby arm, still
complaining about it. Yes, I will all right, Hey doctor,
I'm referring to myself. You can go in now, thank you?
All right? Oh, there's another person inside this ambulance. It's fine.
I can fit six people. So let's see here. What
(58:46):
do we get? What do we got here? It looks
like from your chart you're having problems breathing through both nostrils,
both nostrils. It's not, honestly, both nostrils. It's just one
in nostril. It's been left side by it's clogging, okay,
the left side, and I believe it's because of the
baby had you put up me? Okay, well let's see
(59:08):
if I can't add another head. Oh shut up, you're
gonna look this way too. Wait, doctor, how can I
be doctor? That's the first thing you said when I
said can I be pregnant? I don't understand sherman? Did
you did you? Did you hear what she said? Yeah?
We heard it. Okay, great, I thought I was like
(59:32):
a guy hybrid. Oh that's right. Let me just look
at your chirt here. I yes, you are a yeah
I have it, so you are braided? Wait what is that?
Is there a hot wheel inside me? I don't understand.
How does you got to get room for one more
in this? My magic? Just magic? This is private? Yeah yeah, yeah,
(59:55):
I can fit three more. I'm not a juggler too,
I'm oh my god, alright, why don't you look just
like that juggler? Well, hey, you know what I'm that's
my twin brother. But whatever, check the check your back
pocket a little brett. I can't because both of my
elbows are broken. Eye baby arms coming out of them. Now,
(01:00:16):
who putty do We've got some more pc cp fo
yould on on, I can have three more people in here,
so all the other bhoompus gotta stay outside. So and
that's our show. Everybody. Oh my god, I just pictured
(01:00:36):
Craig's character walking into all the houses on the blog
because he can. Holy, that's what police do. Check in
with everybody, see what's going on? Craig Koski. Where can
people find you? At Kakowski on Twitter. I also just
in an episode of Chris Alvarado's podcast The Comedy Fixed,
(01:00:57):
so subscribe to that. Hopefully that'll drop soon. Um yeah,
it's very like nuts and Bolts, nerdy discussions of of
comedy that I was totally into as a fan and
now I was a guest. Nice Chris Alvarado. That's it. Also,
what a fucking dream for us at the Comedy Face
to have Craig at Kowski come in and he goes dark,
(01:01:18):
he gets deep, he goes inside the world of performance
in comedy. You should join us The Comedy Things on
Instagram and where you listen to podcast. Nice James Ceney, Well,
it would be my pleasure if you joined me on
a Wednesday night at eight pm Pacific Standard time at
twitch dot tv slash b S Comedy and we hang
(01:01:41):
and uh have some fun and some laughs. Nice tool sing.
Hey thanks? Uh just follow me on Instagram at a
tool time or anything on a tool time. And uh,
I just sometimes when you talk about BS comedy, you
guys say backslash. I just want to say it's forward slash. Yeah,
all right, I think I just say slash. Do I see?
(01:02:04):
I think you said, yeah, all right, that's it? Hey,
good update. We care a tool? What the fuck? Do
you know what I mean? Like I saw? I missaid
the thing? Right? Who cares? I think when you when
I say no, one's just backslash, you know what they mean? No,
one never uses the other slash. It's whatever whatever underneath
(01:02:27):
the question mark. That's what I clicked, right, you know
what I mean? So whatever that is, that's what I'm using.
You want people to come. I'm so pissed right now.
He was just being helpful. No, Dad, I'm gonna piss
a keyboards. Uh so much? All right. I met on
various social media flatforards I got to ask that sketch
(01:02:49):
Fest dot com, rent Fest Apocalypse and other things that
we've done help us raise money while things you're down.
Let's thank each of our helchemist we already did that,
and our engineer and producer, Doug Bay. Name the fine
folks at I heart media dot com and please write
to us at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
(01:03:11):
That's your name here at alchemy this dot com. Until
next time,
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy, this COVID nineteen
twenty one edition. I'm your host, Pulled Stratton inform Mr
Kevin Poll doesn't mean her aims Shelley. First up, Chris Alvarado, Hey, Chris,
what's an animal fact that's fascinating to you? That m
cheetah's will catch fish with their tail? What? They put
(00:26):
their tail in a little stream and they pulled the
fish out. Isn't that? While that's craws amazing? I got
you the coal. You like that fact? This has been
alchemy this till next up? Awesome? Next up, Mr James Heeney, James,
what word do you think is just inherently funny? Um?
I think booger if it was gonna come, I think if,
(00:49):
just off the top of my head, booger. Okay, I mean,
if you give me ten minutes, I might be able
to find a handful of funnier ones. But that really
comes to mind. It just sounds funny. Bigger, Well write
them down if you think about him. Thro the let
me get ten minutes in the middle of the first scene.
Just chime in with some other funny words and we'll
(01:11):
know what you're doing. Next up, Craig Kakowski, Craig, I
heard you started a cover band. What's it called and
who do you cover? I'm in a kiss cover band
called Hug h U G G hell yeah, and we
only cover the music they did when they didn't have
(01:32):
the makeup on. So so like that. Yeah, nice a
tool saying is here everybody a tool? Who's the best
Dallas cowboy of all time? You're Texas boy man, that's tough,
you know. I think it goes to generations when you're
around to support the team. So I won't go into
the past before I was a fan, before I was born,
(01:54):
so I will stay with Troy Aikman. Um. That's usually
where I land with the one that I got to
watch that I really enjoyed. So yeah, that's probably where
I like Randy White two used to be a linebacker.
I could go on with. Listen, if you give me
ten minutes, I'll come up with ten names whore I
think are the best Dallas cowboy in the world and
who also have funny sounding names. Tell you what that
sounds good in the middle of the first scene to
(02:15):
start throwing down Emmett Smith's or whatever, and uh, we'll
know you're doing it. Uh, finally, Joey Greer is here.
Joey Greer, Joey, you're giving a five word tombstone? What
do you write on it? Nothing? Dude, I'm gonna draw
something with those words. I'm gonna have a dragon, right,
and the dragon is gonna be writing a Harley Davidson
(02:38):
Vintage motorcycle. And it's gonna have instead of those like,
you know, normal handlebars, it's gonna be just these uh,
these pencil tubes. Right, so not like a filled pencil,
but not like a mechanical pencil, talking about a wood
pencil with the lead going through. You know what I'm
talking about. Everyone knows what I'm talking about. And it's
gonna have me in the background. Like it's gonna look
like a like a water mark, if you will, right,
(03:00):
So it's gonna be kind of like is it? Do?
I see it? All? Right? Let's do a damn show everybody?
Are you ready to do this? Joey? Do you need
ten minutes to think about what else you want to
put on that teamb stone? I need ten minutes just
to tell you I know what's on that Pepperonian sausage
is what I used to do good. Hell yeah. All
(03:20):
of our see suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails, or
from our Patreon v I p s. To become a
Patreon supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content and
other perks, just head on over to patreon dot com
slash alchemy this. You'd like to submit a scene suggestion
via email, please write to the podcast at your name
here at alchemy this dot com. That's your name here
(03:40):
at alchemy That ce number one comes from Kristen Kelly,
who wrote congratulations. You are now subscribed to the Improv
Scene Suggestion of the Month Club. This month's suggestion the
five Wonka Golden Ticket winners. Years later as adults, did
they learn anything from their time in the factory? Have
they become better people because of it? Or are they
(04:02):
now barely functioning alcoholics with PTSD and a lifelong fear
of chocolate? Okay, great, if everyone just pick up your
name tag right up here. I know there's only a
couple of us, but you know traditions write a real name. Um.
I mean, you can write whatever you want, thank Carl,
but we all know don't say my real name please,
(04:23):
it's my name charg already. Okay, alright, let's you know what.
I'm sorry, Mike TV. My name is Michael Thomas van Owen. Okay,
can we we're adults now, can we please put that
on there? Sure? So, of course, yeah again, you are
writing this, so you wrote Mike TV. Um, so if
(04:44):
you want to just change that, you're more than welcome.
I do have more name plackards, so if we could
just just lay them on here and different colored sharks
if that was your real name TV, because it seemed
very apt because you're like tvious so much. Yeah, well,
it just happened to be that. I was born into that,
you know, like I didn't really want to like TV,
(05:06):
but that's what it was, and I got obsessed. And
now it's like I don't even own a TV. Okay,
do you not I do on a TV? Or are
you saying stream? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, I just streamed on
my laptop that I'll tell you what. That's that's when
we get started already. Yeah, we're just waiting for two
more people. Okay, she's not coming issue. I don't know.
(05:31):
I haven't been able to get in contact. I'm leaving.
I go by Chuck, Okay, Chuck, are you do you
know what this is? Or this this is the ticket winners? Right?
Yes it is? Oh are you? Oh? I know who
you are? Chuck? Yes, okay, Chuck and I were having
a correspond before. This is a Violet's grandson, Chuck, how
(05:52):
are you? Um? I'm okay. This is a weird group
of people. I thought it was gonna be everybody's grandchildren.
Uh no, No, I'm actually um, I'm yeah. So it's not.
It's not. Is everybody ready for magic? Oh? Okay, you're
(06:14):
all gonna love this. Okay, So this this is a
local magician. He goes by the name of Inferno. Help
our trauma. How does this help the fucking memories that
are burned into my brain? How does this help at all?
Who you are and and what happened to you on
(06:35):
the tour? This is what I'm talking about. I'm the
sixth I'm the sixth winner that nobody ever talked about.
I was in there two hours before you guys showed up. Okay,
and nobody talks about me and nobody knows my story. No,
I was that I won. There was a sixth ticket.
(06:58):
I heard that there was a child wandering around looking
for the restroom. The whole time. That's what I heard.
But I was a kid. I was a child. Look
that chocolate river is also a restaurant. I had to
go peep. Is that so bad? Now? Magic guy, make
these memories go away. Here's a rabbit. Yeah it's dead.
(07:23):
It's a dead rabbit, Yes it is. I wasn't supposed
to hold it that long inside my jacket. But your
story about kind of took a little bit longer. So
just in what do you want another rabbit? Jesus man,
what are you doing with these animals? I'm doing, Magic Man.
I don't know if you've seen my website, inferno magic
dot com. Check it out, all right, he'll show you all.
(07:44):
I mean, well, I've gone to it. It's just a
tumbler account. It's just like, there's no rule that says
a tumbler can be your website. I guess you're right. Look,
I've just been getting a lot of flak. Um My
my bunny distributors have been asking me a lot of questions,
like why don't I need so many bunny He's like,
keep one of those bunny. I'll trade you a balloon bunny,
one of your bunnies. Here we go, give me a second,
(08:12):
here you go, I'm gonna need money for the bunny.
I'm not gonna take a bunny balloon. Look, I'm gonna
be honest with you, man, I'm a bunny distributor. Like
I make money getting bunnies out there. But the amount
of bunnies that you were asking for and and granted,
I am making money from you, friend, but it's suspicious.
I know that, all right. Look, I'm just I took
(08:34):
this meeting with you. I decided to break bread with
you because I respect you, all right. I respect you, okay,
and I respect our relationship. Set it. By the way,
it's fantastic. Those are good. Look, I'm a bunny breeder, okay,
And I know you distribute the bunnies, but I can't
just make them breathe just because you want them all
the time. Look, I gotta demand do you have the
(08:56):
supply economics? Friend? Look, it's just kind of suspicious. No
other distributor wants that many. Honey. Our daughter has been
missing some bunnies lately, and it's it's a suspicious amount.
At the last week counting, we had two thousand bunnies
and it seems like we're missing almost seven d she's
(09:17):
upset and she blames you. She thinks you've been getting
rid of them. I have, Diane, Diane, I've been selling them.
It's my job. What do you just love bunnies as
much as we did? What am I love? I love
the bodies, I love, I love the bunnies. But I
(09:40):
I breed him and I sell them to a distributor
to distribute yourself. You know. Okay, thank you everyone for coming.
Your name cards are right there. You can also rewrite
them if you'd like. You know, we're all the wives
who have been lied to by her husbands about what
their jobs were. All right, and as everyone's coming in,
I can. I'll just speak over everyone as they're coming in,
just as the way a formality. My name is Gail.
(10:03):
I'm not gonna give my last name, but it rhymes
with hammer and uh so, just so you know, my husband,
I thought he was a tire repair mechanic. He actually
was importing and exporting illegal stone. So that's what everybody
there for. Yes they are, Yes they are. Who's ready
to juggle? Oh everyone, this is Frosty. He's gonna do
(10:29):
some magic for us. Don't do magic, all right, I'm
I'm the best juggler in town. When you say magic,
it just Sully's the whole thing. This is this is
why I don't tell my wife about this. Wait wait
wait wait wa wait wait hold on, what did you
just say? I keep this a secret. Get My grandmother
(10:55):
was part of the class action lawsuit for all the
kids that got sick that the competition, and I thought
that there's gonna be a lot of other people that
we're suffering from the same thing. This is now a
genial matter. I mean, it's true a lot of people
got mess with leoma when they walk through the factory. Um. Yeah,
(11:16):
And and that's not something that nobody else seems to
be talking about this they're worried about. What are they worried? What? What? What?
What are we worried about? What about the sickness that
you can't see? Huh? What about the diagnosis that doesn't
come to you? You know, the sickness I can't see
my grandma. My grandma's the sickness I can't see. You
guys should be considering yourself lucky. You lucky. Look at
(11:41):
these fucking tats I have all over my chest. You
see that that's a map, that's the map. That's the
path I took in that fucking factory. You think I'm lucky. Yeah,
let's get another drink. So, Chuck, you're telling me that
you went to the meet up with all those people
who went to that freak factory and then you just
you harass them for trumpery not a freak factory. But
(12:02):
I don't know. I thought that I just was imagining
that they'd be sick. I thought that we could all
bond over the sickness, like you know, that's something that happens. Jack,
What did you say? Your actions were a little sick
to drinks? Thank you, thank you very much. No, it's
just that I don't know. I was really close to
my grandmother. She named me after you know, Charlie. Oh,
(12:26):
I see you, Rick, we need to have a talk.
We'll take the extra time. These are free, right, these
are freak as you're sucked up. We don't take this back. Yeah,
I'm fine here. Oh yeah, do you mind putting this
on my Wonka card? What do you put this? Do
you work for Wonka? No? But my bank is Wonka Bank.
(12:48):
Oh sorry, I've just been I feel like sometimes I'm
getting I don't know, spied on by the Wongs just
because we were part of the class action lawsuit trying
to look for a flaw, exploit me, make me the
bad guy. Do you really think Wonka is looking at
you man, all the lawsuits they got, So you want
(13:09):
to open up an account here at Wonka Bank? Yeah,
I'm in line, sir. Sorry, sorry, well, um, let me
just walk you through the paperwork. Care come with me,
and you'll see two point three per annual percentage right
(13:31):
and minimal. You don't got it. You don't get a
thing from I just have the corporates watching. They're everywhere.
Look at to see those little cameras up there. If
that's those those candy cameras. Yeah, but they're they're they're
four K and um they If I don't seem through
all the rules and regulations like I will, I will
(13:54):
have to eat something that will probably kill me. So
just let me eat you the terms and we can
beat this. I've got free checking in banking for you.
I'm gonna go over here, Hey, Gustus, how you hey?
(14:17):
How are you holding up? Pretty well? I mean this, uh,
this locks and bagels platter is fantastic, It's pretty nice.
It's pretty nice. Do you ever have any dreams weird dreams? No?
Hell yeah you ever? You ever you ever think about
maybe going back to the factory, you know, just do it'll,
I'll walk through. I've want to drink that entire chocolate
(14:41):
river and eats that liquorice tree. Yeah, I mean, you know,
the candy's gone. It's kind of like a Rundown water
park now. But I feel like it would do me good,
you know. I mean, we still all have our golden tickets,
right maybe we could just show those at the gate,
maybe that they let us hand. I mean I have
mine right here, always carrying mine with me. Okay, guys,
(15:04):
So I talked to the front desk and they said
they will extend our stay here in the Flamingo room.
So we're gonna be able to be here for another
half hour to forty five minutes. It's not exciting. So
I got we're gonna go over to the factory. What
we're gonna go to the abandon No no, no, no, no,
no, no no, hold on, everyone, hold on. Maybe it'll be
good for us everyone. Okay, everyone, sit down, sit down.
(15:25):
I got a gun with us. I got a candy
gun on you right now, sit down, listen. I'm a Wonka.
It's it's a little sweet and tart. Okay, now on
the barrel. No, get all the get away from my gun.
He ate my gun. Good job you found out. Listen.
I'm a candy robot. I'm a special agent for the
Wonka Corporation. If you think for a second, we haven't
(15:47):
been keeping tabs on you since the day you left.
Looks like laughy taffy. No, don't don't don't eat me.
I don't do it, Mike, we're all robots. Hey, guys,
I don't have a car, but that magicians outside of
his van. Maybe we can hop in there. M all right,
(16:12):
Hey magine guy. Yeah, yeah, but what do you want
to make fun of me before you kick me out again? No? No, no,
we're sorry. We're sorry for doing that. Hey, do you
want to go in a real magic ride? Yeah? You're
Tom Drugs. Yeah, I got a PC guy. He's more
of a distributor, but he gets it out. He still
(16:35):
do PC. Yeah. How are you doing here in front
of who the hell are all these fucking people? You know?
Carl uh? If don't give me your government, don't give
me your government. Man goes to school don't give me
your government man, Michael Thompson Van Owen. How you know
he goes by MTV not my EMPTV. What the hell
(17:04):
is going on? Man? I need PCP. Man. These guys
all want to go on a magic ride, if you
know what I mean? Oh yeah, hell yeah, you know
what I got? Um, I got a defunct little little
track card over here, goes around all was really fucked
up garbage areas around here. A right, but it'll come
right back. It'll look right back over here to my trailer.
(17:25):
So once you can get a little track card, you
know what I mean, like a little roller coaster. We
just want we just want to drug. I just want
a drug. We don't want to go in a roller coaster.
You sure you don't have? What is that? Do? Do? Do?
That's just a little roller coaster? Are you go? Man?
(17:50):
Just the BCP man Sherman Hamlesley, Sherman Angel dust sweet
All right, everybody, Well let's dance. Let's dance. Well right
now that we're all hopped up on piece of the factory. Man,
let's go, guys, let's go. Very's Charlie Bucket, by the way,
(18:15):
I mean, I know he runs the factory now he's
head of Voca Enterprises. He should be here. And what
about fucking Farruca Salt? Yeah, what about he's weird. We're
missing some major players days. Yeah, like I mean his
grandson showed up, Like why am I here? You know
what I mean? No one even knows my story? Huh
(18:39):
oh ship Hello, this PC piece sucking me up? Who
is hello? What's going on? Okay? Every I see movement,
I'm should Charlie's grandpa, Joe, you're still alive? I yes,
how do you know my name? Every towards the factory
fifty years ago? Oh? God, the fat amish child. I
(19:03):
know you never you're like a hundred and thirty? What
do they have in that factory? They even keeping me alive,
removing my organs and put in inside. I don't think
I'll ever die. I've seen. What are you doing out here? Charlie, Charlie,
(19:27):
get back inside. Oh I'm sorry, I love you, Charlie.
Oh my god. You guys aren't allowed here. Your golden
tickets are expired and there's no expirations and Mike and
uh Carl, Carl, Carl, I don't know, Carl, acustus, Mike,
(19:48):
you know that you're not allowed here. This is a
lost cause you guys look like chie Look look you
might have one, but we got messed up for our
entire lives. And we're not leaving until we get a
vowal of that phizzy im or tal and he drink
that Uncle Joe took. Okay, and I want to go
in that glass a little bitter. Man. I'm so listen.
You don't know what it's like to be Uncle Joe. Okay,
(20:08):
Grandpa Joe as I call him. But he's not your grandpa. Okay,
he's not even He's more candy than he is human.
Now is that what you want? Yeah? Alright, then come inside,
Come inside, don't touch the wallpaper. We brought this magician
with us. Is that cool? If he comes with us?
Hi is your card three of space? That's a four clubs?
(20:37):
Oh man? Tim Burton really ruined it, didn't He just
got a little weird in the second act. I thought,
sure did. I'm disappointed, man, I mean, I really thought
it would be a little closer to the book. I mean,
everybody knows the class elevator second and I don't know, man,
(20:57):
we're trying to watch the movie. Keep it down it's
also like three and a half hours long. I mean
this PCP segment has just been I mean that's almost
a tool to make it longer. That's what that's what's interesting.
I want to see the ending of this movie. I
want to see it now. O Varuca And that's the
(21:19):
first scene. All right. See two is from patriar v
I P. William Craft, who wrote I have another scene suggestion.
The characters in Pixar's Cars, or any world inhabited by
sentient vehicles, there are a ton of kids shows like
this start to wonder about their origin and question their existence.
(21:40):
Why have they taken over the role of humans? Why
are they still designed for humans? What the hell is
going on? Also, how do they procreate? I figured a
scene about existential crisis will be fitting in the time
of COVID. Thanks W Devon Craft esquire, Hey, fellas, welcome
(22:06):
to stuff like guys having a good day. Not really.
It's hot as hell. It's hot. It's hot, it's hot.
Shee's hey. When that light hits green, I'm on my
way to go on a little date a date. Yeah,
(22:26):
I'm just doing deliveries even when I'm on break. I'm
an idol it sucks. Yeah, I get it. Well, I
got to meet out of it. Calling my name, I'll
see you later, he's remember remember hi, Man, how's it going.
(22:51):
It's I've seen better days. I'm not a big fan
of this delivery thing. Yeah, I kind of want to
just I don't know, I kind of want to just
take a break. I don't know, man, you don't I
mean I could give you that break, man, I could
take over your deliveries. I'm so busy just you know,
racing all the time and and you know, carrying this franchise.
I'd love to just take a break, man, and just
(23:11):
you know, deliver things. Man. Huh, Well, I don't know
how I can help you. I'm just basically I wake
up and the first thing that the man wants me
to do, it's what I gotta do. I never thought
of it that way. Man. It's like I never really
wanted a race, but that's what I do. You know
(23:34):
I did. I would love to try to race. I'd
like to have some other goal than just to be
the the middleman between here and there. He go to
this like a little auto shop down on the corner there,
and we could, like, I don't know, I don't want
to go to an auto shop. They don't treat me
good there. Now listen, our water is running. Hello, all right,
(23:54):
I don't know how many humans are left out there,
but these goddamn cars are getting more and more powerful
by the day. And I'm sick and tired of keeping No, no, no, no,
I'm just sticking tired of this. I'm sick and fucking
tired of this. Now we got here, we take out
that leader, we take out that goddamn plymouth, Fury, and
then we reclaim this earth for ourselves. You understand that
these cars aren't gonna run this planet anymore. Not touching her.
(24:15):
I'm not touching Fury. I mean they're powerful, they have engines,
they're bigger than us, and they are they smarter? Can
they feel enough? They're smart enough? Right now? He's okay, fine, okay, okay,
then I guess I'm gonna have to do this so
low huh. That means by myself, what's the plan? What's
(24:39):
the plan? I found all these potatoes. We're gonna put
all these potatoes and their tail pipes. Okay, let you
knowlad their engines. I don't know, Duda. My name's Jane
the name's Jane. Okay, hey Jane, Hey, Hey, you look gorgeous. Thanks.
(25:02):
I was thinking maybe we could drive over to uh
makeout point. It's our first state. Okay, don't get ahead
just to look over, just to look at the water
and stuff. Okay, I guess, but follow me. I can't
keep you drive fast? Yeah, yeah, okay, so I can't breathe. Well,
(25:33):
look here a couple of cars driven to make up point. Like,
what what's your plan now that you're here? You can't
get in each other because you're both cars, and how
are you going to make out? And what's what's the
next step? That's easy? Well I'm gonna well sure because
(25:55):
she well, I'm yeah exactly. You haven't thought it out. Look,
I know you want to go rise up against those cars, man,
all right, but we gotta have a plan. Calm down,
And I got one. I didn't want to bring this
kind of the group, but I saw you up a
(26:17):
car makeout point the other night, and you had your
you had your dick in a gas tank. But what
about come here? All right, listen to me right now,
you shut the hell up. Okay. I was doing preliminary tests.
I was seeing if I could sacrifice myself to destroy
the cars. Yeah, that's how crazy I got. That's how
desperate I got to save us. You had a you're
(26:38):
still coughing, Jane. I mean you're still coughing. You have
like a like a human cough almost. That's weird. I
feel something's happening to me. It's not your air filter. No,
I just got that change, Jane. I'm gonna cut right
to it. Did you fucking human? I knew you wouldn't
(27:01):
take this the right way? Such a you're such a
carust All you can do is I'm a car. But
we can live with the humans? Can we can live
with the humans? What do you in love with him?
I don't understand them who were the same? So you're
gonna have like a hybrid baby? There, half human, half car?
Are you still here? How does that work? How does
(27:23):
that even work? What does it come out of? Where
do he put it? Tell me where? You know your business?
I'm out of here, hybrid baby? I mean, I feel
like worst case scenarios. You got a bunch of seamen
in your gas tank. But I don't know. I don't
know what that's gonna do. Mom Dad, None of the
(27:48):
other human boys or cars will play with me. Maybe
you should just kill me. I don't know what I am. No, No,
this is this is from your side of the family.
This is where he gets to height. This is where
he gets us. You know you're special, You're You're gonna
save but everyone the whole planet. Don't you understand you're
the future. This is because you kept feeding him fucking
(28:08):
potatoes all day and night. Oh what the hell do
I have? Uh? Just look at me. My eyes are headlights.
My mouth is a human mouth. I've got two mufflers
and keep going, keep going. I got junk in the
trunk for real. Hey, delivery truck. Uh huh? You want
(28:37):
to bring some real meaning to your life? Oh god, yeah,
oh god, yeah please, I got one special delivery you
should make. Huh two and a half tons of C four.
We're gonna drive into the gas station and blow up
every last human here. What do you man? My humans
actually not so bad. John's just trying to make it bies.
(28:59):
Just don't even tune you up. John. Let you drive
around with scratches. Your tires are low. Yeah, it's just
kind of you know, I wouldn't call them blow so much?
Is they're you know, soft through soft tires. Those humans
they think the better than us. But do you realize
(29:20):
it will happen if it's me Like I've got two
tons of sheep and finally be worth something. Is that
what you think I'm worth? Blow boom, Sector two of
the Underground Wonka Facility, Mr Wonka. I've looked at the
preliminary data. It looks like you're your projects are moving forward.
(29:45):
The cars and humans have good good No, I can
hear you. I just didn't expect this update. This is
this was really best. Usually like nine months gestation for
a human human I was imagining more or less, not
by much. Well, you have the best imagination in the world, sir.
(30:07):
Have you told crapa Joe? I have not gone to
the chamber yet, sir. It's to freaks me out, be honest,
all right, to drinks? Wait you guys already? Rick, goddamnit?
Well these are free still right, because they're they're free.
(30:28):
Come out, human, Come out. I got a couple of
words to say to you. Yeahre, you are what a
weird look? If you come you're a weird looking guy.
First of your tires will explode. Oh yeah, is that right?
One of their spike strips. Oh ship, there are spice
strips everywhere. All right, listen, don't do that. Don't do that?
(30:57):
All right? So what are we doing? Man? This is voice? Yeah,
that's the place. What's you guys say? No base? Yeah?
Bah huh, all right, same thing if you if you
(31:21):
move forward, there's a spike strip it'll blow your tyrants.
And I'm not planning and driving back. I'm coming forward. Hey, dad,
can I have a w D forty caprice? Son? Wait?
What the heck is going? Game? Dinging? Oh, ladies and gentlemen.
(31:50):
After the explosion, there was only one survivor and we're
here live with him. I will tell you he is
a hybrid, so please, uh please, your discription advised? Um,
can you tell us a little bit about the explosion
and and what happened right before it? Uh? And is
that your mouth a regular Wow? It's a regular mouth. Yeah.
(32:11):
My eyes are headlights. So UM, if I put my
brides on, I get too excited. So you know, if
I did that happen, so let me know. Um, it
was terrible, Like I I just wanted something to drink
and I went outside and this old dumpy delivery truck
with like the license plate was hanging off the side
(32:32):
and it had like an unkept mustache on the front. Anyways, Um,
it's it's something he was with like a flashy car
and um news crew, news crew. So we're right in
the middle of interview. Sorry, sorry, I thought this was
the press conference. I'm Speedy Tires, Current Driver magazine. Yeah,
let me just finish with the sir, please, just wondering
(32:55):
what kind of biolage the hybrid get your tires are
gonna get in a lot of the spikes, every word,
Just be careful, Okay, let me just finish the interview
with this. No, no, it's it's okay. I can answer that. UM.
I get it's pretty good. I get, uh, forty five
freeway City and twenty at school. All right, what's the MSRP?
(33:18):
All right, we're gonna send it back to the uh
the station where I cover car news for car going
back to your Ted. What oh shoot, it wasn't ready.
Uh hey it's me Ted. So much news, so much happening.
Just read the prompter, Ted, read the prompter. I'm happy
(33:39):
to be doing the news for you. Happening, happening, that's
what's happening. Happened Uh, oh god, it's not his fault.
I program the prompter wrong. I wrote, I'm happy to
be doing the news from you. Happenings happening, happening. Oh god,
I car apocalypse going on right now? Why are we
even still doing the news like we we've got We've
(34:02):
got more important things to do, like destroying the sentient
cars that they were running rampage all over this world.
Job is the news. You do the fucking news until
I pay you to stop doing that fucking news. You
got it fail all right, Mr Murdoch, al right back
in there, get the pamptor going, get ted back on
his drugs and get the fucking news out. Cars taking
(34:25):
over the world. What is my life? It just turned
the news off. I hate watching news. You know, there's
a golf channel on or some of the two drinks?
Thanks what there was other people watching the news. It's
kind of important, so I wasn't. So let's watch the
golf channel and to drink. How are you too? How
(34:48):
are we really really? How we my section? Sorry? You
guys can keep them. It's I'm I'm not gonna make
any money. Hi, I'm a I'm here for the meetup. Cuckoo. Cuckoo? Mhm,
(35:10):
what who was cuckoo? I think that I think that
that's just that that doesn't make any sense with me.
There's no secret password for this meet up. Oh I
think if there's a secret pass, where are you secretly going?
Maybe we should go. Well, have you guys trying the
(35:31):
cooling and winking? Well, it happens a lot of doors.
I think this is I think this might be a
relationship that I don't think this is a meet up
thing he's doing. We're just on business. Wait, I don't
know what meetup to blow up every fucking car? Oh
my god, no, what do you what do you mean?
(35:51):
I mean we're just having drinks. So you're a car.
We don't even like to watch the news. We try
not to get political. So you like cars, then, well,
I'm just trying to enjoy myself out, just trying to
enjoy yourself, just trying to enjoy yourself. Step in. Oh a,
(36:14):
you're gonna have your drink bread or no? Yeah, I
definitely want to keep this drink you can't have Oh,
I don't drink it, I mean drink. I don't want
to cuckoo cuckoo. Oh yeah, you're you're looking for the
wrong thing. Man. Let's just let's just jump ahead and
(36:35):
so dukids are kicking his ass. Hi. Um, look, this
is awkward for me too. This is my first time.
I think I'm the first hybrid ever try to do
it um with a person. Um, just pay me the
money and you can do whatever you want. But I
(36:58):
have had a lot of first before. I don't want
to take good care of you, baby, okay, but I
gotta warn you. I don't I don't know how this
all works. I don't know what will happen if I
get too heated. Um I do like, fine, Okay, you're
in the right place, all right. Well here's here's the money. Um,
(37:25):
it's mostly it's a combination of dollar bills and lug nuts.
I see that, I see that. It's all good to
your baby. Okay, let's see what you're working with here.
Oh my god, is that an eight ball shifter? It is?
It's an eight ball shifter. I don't know. I don't
know if this is gonna work, baby. I mean, just like,
(37:48):
keep changing gears and we'll see what happens. Okay, where's
your clutch? Where's your clu cut? Right? Right? There. Yeah, okay, okay,
high beams, high beams. Oh Jesus, Oh Jesus, green warning,
(38:10):
leave horrified. I left my I left my truck right outside.
I was only gone for a second when I walked
up to the door, and I think somebody stole it.
I don't know where the truck went for the last time.
(38:31):
I'm not going to give you money, okay, come on,
I just need a little bit of money to get
the next delivery truck. I need to keep working. I
can see the PCP in your mustache. That's not PCP.
I was baking. I was baking, Tim. I love you, man,
(38:55):
my brother. I can't why does why does Tim Burton
left PCPs so much? This is the second movie when
I don't understand why they're letting him have control of
these franchises that he shouldn't be touching their classics already
and you know, yeah the second act just hey, down
down in front fellas. Yeah, we're in front of you.
(39:17):
You're staying around in front of me at this drive through.
I'm enjoying the film myself. Of course, I'm a car.
Yeah we know, dude, we know you're a car. This
is why people don't like cars, right, what's that? Could
you speak up a little? Um? No, all right, just
(39:40):
just mind you when you watch the movie and said
people don't like cars, all right? You yeah, Wait a second, wait,
there's an there's another car coming in. It's an old
delivery truck. I didn't know they allowed those into the
drive fins man, let's have something to deliver. I guess
(40:01):
in the middle of screening, it just seems weird. No,
just jove would be crazy if it was there from
the movie that. Hey, I'm sorry to interrupted y'all are
talking too much for this driving movie. Okay, so you
both gotta just do these two parts. Complease just just
(40:23):
please be quiet? All right? What did you sell people
trying to enjoy the movie? So I'm saying, calm down,
shut the funk up, all right. A lot of people
pay good money to come here to watch this drive
through movie. All right. Hey, that's Tim Burton. He's he
only at those two guys, So just do me a
favor and enjoy the goddamn art. Okay, I guess the
drive through movie. You're just supposed to just keep moving,
you see, like five minutes of it tough. Yeah, that's right,
(40:46):
that's our second See three is from Tyler. Hey, I'm
an auditor at a manufacturing company, and I suggest in
a scene in which an alchemist was auditing insert random
fictitious company here and found something deeply concerning wacky or wild.
(41:08):
Hi jinks, ensue, Thanks Tyler. Yes, so this is um
this is where the where the factory of floors. You
can see here through the window. There. That's all the
workers there. I think you're over here. This is our
main office right here. I think this is my first rodeo.
Is that what's happening right now? I'm getting the reach
(41:29):
around on my on my first day. I just wanted
to show you I've audited every company you can think of. Okay,
I go in, I look in manufacturing, and I tear
him a new one. So you think this little sweet
tour is going to do anything, Janice, then you're mistaken.
We've got nothing high. Do you like an espresso? We
have an espresso. Make sure I do love an espresso.
(41:51):
You know, I didn't like him for a long time,
but I said, what's why would George Cluney support it?
And so I started drinking it. You know what I'm saying.
Don't get off track. Oh, Jannis, is this the is
this the auditor? Yeah? I'm Dan. I work up in
a package. It's really great to have great. I hope
(42:13):
you have fun auditing today. We've got everything in order,
and I think that you're gonna really love the place.
I think this is a joke. Do you think I'm
coming to play around? Got free time? I have forty
agents down here to shut this plant down. I don't know.
We want you to audit if we have anything wrong,
our safeties at hand, So if you please let us know,
(42:36):
please let me just trying to do a good job.
Did you tell me we have an espresso machine? I
just did. I just did so, Mr Pontiac, I'm gonna
give you this. This key. It opens up every door
in the facility, will let me in everywhere. It's not magic,
it's just it's the general universal key. Yeah, universal key.
(43:00):
So go ahead, talk to any of our employees, open
any filing count you know, do what you want quick.
Little thing we will be having in an out truck
coming later for free burgers. I don't know if you like.
It is Tuesday, but you can't bribe me one thing.
You look at you look at my yelp reviews, They'll say,
Phil Pontiac cannot be bribed. Okay, well, enjoy the facility,
(43:20):
all right? Oh Phil, I really hope you audited the
hell out of them, But you kind of forgot that
it was your weekend with Troy, So I want I
don't even care what he says. What happened to you? Man?
(43:41):
I mean, we used to be so in love and
then you fucking you audited our marriage and found that
we shouldn't be together. That's what was That's exactly my job.
I did whatever that I'm the best at. I used
that analysis on our wedding. And nobody likes Troy at school. Well,
all right, because he learned it from you. He's auditing
(44:02):
every friendship he's ever had. I mean, what is what
went wrong? Troy? More like me than I realized? Uh? Look,
Troy pissed? Troy? What do you mean you have questions
for us? Pick up your skateboard. Let's go. Hold on
a second, Hold on a second. Here, okay, well look
(44:27):
at this. Look at the bearings on your skateboard. Here,
look at the third wheel on the back. All right,
you see how it's not going in rotation with the
other wheels. You know what. I'm gonna have to take
this board away from you. This is I'm safe. This
is an unsafe board. Dude. Dude, that's not your board
to take from him. Oh isn't it? Then who is?
If he's not going to protect himself, then then who
Then what's gonna happen? He's gonna get injured, possibly injured
(44:49):
somebody else. And I don't think any of us here
have the insurance to cover that. You take the fun
out of everything, Troy. We're just trying to have a
skate day. Guys. I don't want me to interrupt, but
look who's coming, Blake the bully. Keep cool, Keep cool?
Oh what's up? Skaters? Oh no, skaters, skateboards. Blake, don't
(45:15):
push us. That's dangerous. I'll push you as much as
I want. Blake stop. Okay, you're gonna hurt somebody. Oh
since when you are you concerned about injuries? Right now?
When I break your elbow? Oh my god, you just
snapped my elbow? And up, Oh my god, he snapped
(45:39):
another kid's elbow. And what do you want me to
stop showing him Steven Seagal movies for one, but two,
you need to be a dad. A dad. Kids make mistakes, Okay,
but he's now thinking that he's the enforcer down on
the playground and then it's cool. It hits his job
to make sure everybody's following the rules. You gotta stop.
(46:02):
Stephen Sagal is one of the best father figure somebody
could have. I was raised on steven Sagall. He's gonna
be raised on it. Don't tell me how to break
this is what this was was in our audit. You're
telling me what to do. Janis Janets getting Get in
here and close the door behind yourself. Did you bring
(46:24):
your fucking baby to work? No, he was just a
squeaky door. Thank Jesus. Why don't you refer my baby
is my fucking baby? What's going on on Friday? You
gave that auditor the master key? What the funk were
you thinking? You're so lucky that nothing happened? Okay? Did
(46:45):
he Did he have the espresso? Yeah, you'd liked it.
Thank you for I appreciate this meeting. No, this isn't
an appreciation meeting. I need to have a play by play.
If everything he saw is he gonna come back and
bite me in the escalator? Channis, he does have he
said he will be doing a secondary um review tomorrow.
So tomorrow find we'll find out that everything you need
(47:07):
to burn, all the extra limbs and organs in the
basement I need out here. We are going to take
that risk again because the harvest those baby limbs and
baby but it's all over it. That guy, he's not
gonna get out down there. He's not going to use
the universal keeper downstairs. Nobody goes downstairs. I told him
about the in and out. I showed him the factory floor.
(47:29):
He's not going to check out the organ, So relax
and if something happens, I'll take care of him. Yeah.
I mean that's pretty much the two floors. Uh. And
then there's the basement and the sub basement and all that.
Answer me this, what about this right here? That's a
(47:49):
squeaky door, even trying to fix something? My baby? Excuse me,
that's my baby. I'm so sorry. Sorry, excuse me. Hi,
I hope you have any good day part of it? Yeah? Yeah,
it was your baby behind the door. Yeah, is your
baby being attended to? He's he has a jot? Else
is behind this door? Oh my god, it's my other baby.
(48:14):
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, babies on the factory floor.
Oh yeah, not good. Let me just check this door.
Another babyl that's the door. That's the door the manager here? Um,
(48:39):
this is just a customer on the factory floor. I
don't I'm not a manager. I'm one of the Yeah,
who I am? When you answer my question? Hold on?
Hold on? What do you think your position is here?
I don't know I was. I always think like research
and development head, you mop and take the trash out.
(49:02):
I'm very concerned about this customer being on the factory floor.
Can we not a customer? I will reveal who I
am once somebody answers my question. Okay, but I mean
you have to admit though I have brought a lot
of good ideas up when we have development. Could be
the manager, per se, But I am the highest employee
in your purview that I use that right. Oh anyway,
(49:27):
how can I help you? I can take you to
my boss if you'd like. Great, that's what I was
hoping for. I've got a truck full of of baby
limp pickers from the border. I'm sorry you were coughing
while I was talking, which may be impeded everyone's ability
to hear the thing I was saying, yes, yes, baby
(49:47):
limb pickers. What I feel like you should cough during
that to be consistent, White Ralph? What's your job here? Well,
I mean I thought to repeat things you shouldn't be repeating,
phil Um. I don't know how to say this, but
how I was trying to find Um his literal league glove,
(50:08):
and I was looking through your drawers and I found
a bunch of baby limbs. Are you taking a kickback?
Did you take a kick back on that audience just
because you're not getting a percentage of my baby limbs?
Is that what this is about? You can have half
half baby limbs for you, half baby limps for me.
It's not about the baby limbs, Phil, it's the fact
(50:31):
that you all these years you talk about how you're
in the right, you're doing these audess this whole time.
You're the dishonest one you were taking. You're taking your
yell reviews are live? Phil? There? Try what the hell's
in your pocket? Dude? It looks like a little finger
it is. Let that hell flip me off with the
(50:55):
fake arm. Fake that's a real baby limb. How do
you know what's going on here? They say it will
take six months to heal. No, thanks to you. This
is you guys doing trading baby lamps like little babies.
(51:19):
Shut up, blake this right here. It's not a baby,
it's a candy baby. My dad ordered one of the
Wanka Corps subsidiary companies. And he says subsidy. It means
under this subsidiary baby, don't give me a Wendy let go.
And he says that they're creating candy kids. No way.
(51:45):
Troy took a baby arm to school and he ate
it thinking it was candy. Alright, Phil, it's disguise. I
want those. What I do. This is the best thing
I can have. Maybe he wants to see me now
try all right, that's worth the shot. But he's getting
to like me. He likes what I'm doing here. You
(52:06):
don't want, honey, you want more baby limbs you have,
I'll give you all the legs. I don't want baby limbs, Phil,
I don't need them. I just I feel like I
need to turn you in. What it's you just need
to do the odds. If you're taking things, it's just
it's just it's legal, it's a moral it's wrong. I'm
not upset about the baby limp. Part of this all
(52:28):
just the fact that you would take them. So, doctor,
how long will it take for this baby limb to get,
you know, catch up with the rest of my limps?
Is it just gonna it's gonna grow bigger, right? Like? Uh,
what I what I got when I asked for it?
(52:52):
It works well, but it's just so small. It's like
I was expecting for the price that this hospital's charted.
So what we can do. I can remove your torso
and I can put a baby tors o there. That
way it will fit in with the baby arm. Is
that something that I'm not looking for? A baby torso? Okay,
then I'm gonna have a this giant head and a
(53:12):
baby torso I need. I thought it's just baby limp,
not gonna grow into an adult limp. Weird, you have
a you look even weirder than I do, and I
have headlights for eyes and a human mouth. Oh I
don't look you you're a freak. Oh thank you. I
mean it looks it looks I mean I shouldn't even
(53:33):
be out here. I mean I just lost my car
ginity and I just don't know if it's God damn it,
this is a good thing for us. You're gonna get
a tip about a tip out of this cuckoo cuckoo?
Oh show, what the fuck is this happening? Cuckoo cuckoo? Yeah,
(53:54):
I'm the guy you were supposed to meet. I'm just
I'm sitting at a high backed booth with my back window.
I started working. I started working here. No, I couldn't
see you. You couldn't see me. I just picked a
bad place. Yeah, how like? Yeah, you've been working here
for a couple of weeks. Right, Yeah, yeah, I'm not
I'm not as angry anymore. So I think I'm kind
of out and to drink. You have six now, guys,
(54:17):
let's have a meeting in the back. Sorry, I just
keep them. Well, Troy, we're really happy to have you here.
Your father told us a lot about you, and he
said you'll be doing a junior audit today. We're really
excited about that, Troy. Yeah, you're gonna be doing a
(54:40):
junior audit. Today's funny. What's that? Oh my god? Is
that a machete? Yeah? I taped to a middle finger.
Going on to Troy, I don't know you like coffee.
I'm not going to drink caffeine. Well, it's too dangerous.
(55:05):
The rate of addiction with caffey to anything is so
high that if you touch it with your lips you'll
get addicted. Fact, it's not as it's not any more
dangerous than taping a machette to your finger, is it. Well,
maybe I don't know what's dangerous anymore. So Choice out
of the house. He's doing my job for the day.
(55:26):
We're alone. Do you wanna grabbing my gearshift? I shouldn't
even be here. You're stuck on the baby heads now
it's part of the job. Choice probably going through a
million right now. It's just just there's there's framed baby
(55:49):
parts all over this place. It just doesn't make any
sense what's going on here? Or disgraced hard trying to
funk a human car hybrid Jesus five and neighborhood bully,
and I can wad anybody's house and be little. Is
that a cast on your whole arm? Yes, my arm
(56:11):
is healing because your your son snapped at it. Two
wait it signed? We love you Blake Salt? Are you
Fucus Salts grandson? Yes, she settled out in America. The
(56:31):
whole whole families americanized out so funny. Wait, what's what
you're You're in my apartment yelling at us, and just
get out? All right, get out? What kind of ter
your cataforda whole? We're separated, we're separated. Okay, you're a bully.
You're a bully. You know what do I do to bullies?
(56:56):
My rebo broken in half? All right, we're gonna be
able to attach a couple of limbs on your elbows. There.
I should speed up with the uh, the repairing of
the bone, if you will, um. Yeah, So it should
be like that for the next two to three years,
and then we can starry the modes that I missed
all of this so far? Did you miss all of that? Huh?
(57:18):
You know what? You spoiled piece of ship? You know,
I'm a goddamn physician. Do you know that? Can you
spell physician? A? Y? See? God, you're a dumbass. Listen
to me. You gotta listen what adults are talking. This
is why you're in the position you're in. Okay, you
gotta get your life together. Okay, Look, I don't have
(57:39):
to listen to a subcar who thinks he's a doctor. Okay, alright,
I'm an ambulance. I am a doctor. I think I
know what I'm doing. You drive around people who are hurt.
Just not the same thing. It's the same It's not
the same same thing, Blake, it's the same thing. It's
the same thing. This world has gone to shut since
(58:02):
cars get sentient and try to human society. Just create
a car society of their own. You know what, Maybe
we willn't They don't wipe out all the humans. Oh yeah,
I try it. Doctor. If you're one o'clock is here?
It's a guy with that what did you just call me? Doctor?
That's right? Do you hear that? Blake? You told us
(58:23):
to call you doctor? You made us, he said, I'm sorry,
you're one o'clocks here? Do you want to see it's
the same guy. He's back with the baby arm, still
complaining about it. Yes, I will all right, Hey doctor,
I'm referring to myself. You can go in now, thank you?
All right? Oh, there's another person inside this ambulance. It's fine.
I can fit six people. So let's see here. What
(58:46):
do we get? What do we got here? It looks
like from your chart you're having problems breathing through both nostrils,
both nostrils. It's not, honestly, both nostrils. It's just one
in nostril. It's been left side by it's clogging, okay,
the left side, and I believe it's because of the
baby had you put up me? Okay, well let's see
(59:08):
if I can't add another head. Oh shut up, you're
gonna look this way too. Wait, doctor, how can I
be doctor? That's the first thing you said when I
said can I be pregnant? I don't understand sherman? Did
you did you? Did you hear what she said? Yeah?
We heard it. Okay, great, I thought I was like
(59:32):
a guy hybrid. Oh that's right. Let me just look
at your chirt here. I yes, you are a yeah
I have it, so you are braided? Wait what is that?
Is there a hot wheel inside me? I don't understand.
How does you got to get room for one more
in this? My magic? Just magic? This is private? Yeah yeah, yeah,
(59:55):
I can fit three more. I'm not a juggler too,
I'm oh my god, alright, why don't you look just
like that juggler? Well, hey, you know what I'm that's
my twin brother. But whatever, check the check your back
pocket a little brett. I can't because both of my
elbows are broken. Eye baby arms coming out of them. Now,
(01:00:16):
who putty do We've got some more pc cp fo
yould on on, I can have three more people in here,
so all the other bhoompus gotta stay outside. So and
that's our show. Everybody. Oh my god, I just pictured
(01:00:36):
Craig's character walking into all the houses on the blog
because he can. Holy, that's what police do. Check in
with everybody, see what's going on? Craig Koski. Where can
people find you? At Kakowski on Twitter. I also just
in an episode of Chris Alvarado's podcast The Comedy Fixed,
(01:00:57):
so subscribe to that. Hopefully that'll drop soon. Um yeah,
it's very like nuts and Bolts, nerdy discussions of of
comedy that I was totally into as a fan and
now I was a guest. Nice Chris Alvarado. That's it. Also,
what a fucking dream for us at the Comedy Face
to have Craig at Kowski come in and he goes dark,
(01:01:18):
he gets deep, he goes inside the world of performance
in comedy. You should join us The Comedy Things on
Instagram and where you listen to podcast. Nice James Ceney, Well,
it would be my pleasure if you joined me on
a Wednesday night at eight pm Pacific Standard time at
twitch dot tv slash b S Comedy and we hang
(01:01:41):
and uh have some fun and some laughs. Nice tool sing.
Hey thanks? Uh just follow me on Instagram at a
tool time or anything on a tool time. And uh,
I just sometimes when you talk about BS comedy, you
guys say backslash. I just want to say it's forward slash. Yeah,
all right, I think I just say slash. Do I see?
(01:02:04):
I think you said, yeah, all right, that's it? Hey,
good update. We care a tool? What the fuck? Do
you know what I mean? Like I saw? I missaid
the thing? Right? Who cares? I think when you when
I say no, one's just backslash, you know what they mean? No,
one never uses the other slash. It's whatever whatever underneath
(01:02:27):
the question mark. That's what I clicked, right, you know
what I mean? So whatever that is, that's what I'm using.
You want people to come. I'm so pissed right now.
He was just being helpful. No, Dad, I'm gonna piss
a keyboards. Uh so much? All right. I met on
various social media flatforards I got to ask that sketch
(01:02:49):
Fest dot com, rent Fest Apocalypse and other things that
we've done help us raise money while things you're down.
Let's thank each of our helchemist we already did that,
and our engineer and producer, Doug Bay. Name the fine
folks at I heart media dot com and please write
to us at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
(01:03:11):
That's your name here at alchemy this dot com. Until
next time,
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!