January 26, 2021 • 46 mins
Alchemist Mind Swap
Open Bar Octopus Wedding
Olympics New Sports and Performance Enhancing Drugs
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy, this COVID nineteen edition.
I'm your host, kol Scrat and I'm back. It's been
a while, guys, it's been a while, but I'm here.
So let's meet our alchemist. Showing in no particular order,
Let's say hey to James, Hey, Hey, what is it
always rain on me? Well, it's your hot and that
(00:22):
temperature races the humidity, and that rain is just a
sign of how steamy you make it. Thank you, all right,
can always rely on you, Mr Science. Look over there,
it's Chris Alvarado. Chris, are we human or are we dancer? Dancer?
Final answer? I figured by asking you that one that
(00:43):
was gonna be your choice. Guys here now it's a tool,
saying a tool. How will I know if he really
loves me? If he dances? Going back to Chris, if
he dances for you, that's how he That's how you
should know. Nice cans in a quick Congrats to Chris. Yes,
(01:04):
my god, I can't believe that. Yes, congratulations on what
he booked. He booked. Congratulate you booked it, you boosted
the big one. Thank you very much. It's the best
meaning you can be in right, that's cute and last.
(01:26):
But if you think I'm last, it's Joey Graer. Joey,
do you know the way to San Jose? Yes? I do,
And actually it's gonna surprise you how they get there.
A lot of people are gonna think they're gonna take
the d I five south and I'm gonna tell you
right now, do not do that, okay, because you're gonna
hit bumper the bumper regardless of the time. I know
people are gonna say go earlier, go later, but you're
(01:46):
going later. That's actually a little more dangerous. People don't
realize a lot of trucks travel at night because there's
less traffic. But that does mean you're competing against individuals
for driving long distance. Is probably tired, you know, you
know the history. I'm gonna stop you there, you lost it.
Go south on the five. I just that's the wrong way,
completely wrong. But thank you though, all right. All of
(02:09):
our c suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails, from or
from our Patreon va p s. To become a Patreon
supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content and other perks,
just head on over to patreon dot com. Slash alchemy this.
If you'd like to submit a scene suggestion via email,
please write to the podcast at your name here at
alchemy this dot com. That's your name here, James Jump.
(02:34):
When have we ever said your name ever? Always? You
know what it was? Last week Craig said it really clearly,
and us like, you know, Craig's not here, I'm gonna
say it clear. Sorry, that's that old adage. If Craig
isn't here, we gotta say it clear, all right. See.
Number one comes from John, who wrote, just to start
(02:55):
off all the usual compliments, insert your favorites here. I
have a couple of guestions in case any of these
are on the veto list. Number one, As you all
prepare for an all star episode of your favorite characters
and or voices, you all end up having a mind
swap and the show must go on. For example, Joey's
mind is in James's body and still tries to do
the hold the Door guy or number two. The Southern
(03:20):
Houston Institute of Technology and the Financial University of Central
Kentucky are rival colleges and are both are competing for something. John,
I mean I think we could. I think neither, but
let's let's do uh. Alright, So if we look at
(03:47):
the proposal here, I think there's uh, I mean, um,
a tool keeps staring in the mirror and asking who
am I, and I don't it seems concerning to me?
Okay to would you like to step outside at all?
Or no? No, no. I I didn't get to do
my mantras in the morning, and so I thought I
just do him here at the meeting. That's almost done now, Um, gentlemen,
(04:09):
if you could just bring your nose is a little
closer to my lips. Uh. He is actually one of
the case studies that I've been talking about. Now. The
program is going to take intelligence people's personalities and place
them in somebody else's body. Now, alright, Houston needs the money,
all right, so if we could, if we can get
that money the Houston Financial thing, or that's what we're
(04:30):
called the Houston Financial Thing. We haven't decided on an
actual term for ourselves yet. We're still you know, we're
going back and forth. He might be the Houston financial
buildings financial people that we haven't work now, and they
they're requiring a proof of concept before there's any transfer
of money at all. So we've got to I mean,
that's a tool. I don't know that that's really a
(04:51):
good proof of concept right now, he's struggling. Can we
do some sort of tests make sure this working correctly.
I understand you want. You want a better proof of concept,
throof of concept, not just concept put down on a
human body. I'm figuring it out so by game time
I'm gonna be ready. Well, Dr Lawrence, Uh yeah, my
(05:11):
dad's a real square. He works at that Houston financial thing.
I hate that guy. I would not want to be
in his shoes even for an hour. You know what
I'm saying, Chad. Yeah, but you know I was reading
this thing that whatever you say into the universe, you manifest.
So even you're saying you don't want to do it,
still might make it happen. I don't drink that slot,
(05:34):
but you did. You pay for your fucking kids. Okay, Chad,
I get that. But you know, like I don't know,
I'm just having such problems with dad, you know, like
I wish my dad was cool like years. I mean,
he's got crystals and a beaded curtain and everything, and
he passed that philosophy down to you. Yeah, I see that.
I see that. But I just once again, words are powerful.
(05:56):
Words are powerful, and so be careful. Brian. You know,
anything you say you're gonna manifest today. If you pop
open that travel Oreo pack, you're gonna pay for it.
Fucking kids. Look alright, Chad, I get that and I
marked that. Now, put the Nutter butters in your fucking
backpack and let's get out of here. Okay, go coo
coo coo. God fuck you establishment. I was just doing
(06:23):
the inventory check and we're short a few things. Felix
were short. Some nutter butters um or short some uh,
there's a Slurprie cup missing. Um, what's exactly you've been
going on on your shift? I'll think exactly what's been
going on? I need another person with me or security detail,
because I got these goddamn kids coming in all the time,
(06:43):
drinking the slurpies, taking the travel Warriors. It's it's nuts.
What do you want me to do? What? I'm only
one guy? Okay, I gotta make sure those hot dogs
are turning. I gotta make sure that that pizza we
paid extra for the machine, Felix, the hot ducks turn
on their own. Okay, you don't need to overturn the pots.
I gotta make sure it's working. I gotta make sure
it's working all right. Man, the day my sister breaks up,
(07:04):
you're fired? Oh is that so? Let me tell you this.
I'm gonna ask you to marry me. Don't do it.
Don't do it? Okay, James and a Tool welcome to
my office. Now. Um, you both are incredible employees here
at this building, at this financial institution. And um, I'm
(07:25):
James Heeney. Yes, I've just never nobody. I've never gotten
employees a month. I've never gotten any. Are you sure
that I'm who you look? We want to give you
an opportunity to be employee of the decade, James, are
you serious? A Tool? I'm about to pitch you an
(07:46):
idea and now we take it if you Yeah, you
both need to be here that you see those two
helmets over there that look like Calinder's upside down with
why are sticking out of them? Yeah? It looks like
that thing they put on a guy in Ghostbusters exactly exactly.
I thought the same thing. No, if you wouldn't mind
put one of those on each of your heads, please,
(08:07):
it's my head perfectly it's a little tight. It's okay,
just swee. You've got a larger head. I I what
is it? Seven three eight, seven and seven eights? Actually big?
Sure different? Just just say all right now, gentlemen, there's
a switch here. Now, if I flipped this switch, guaranteed
(08:30):
employees the decade, nobody need the switch down. You walk
out of here being mediocre employees. And just do I
need this a tool? Well, we both get employees employee
of the decade? Yeah, both Well, I mean, no one's
allowed in the hospital room as of as of now,
(08:51):
but both James and a tool. Uh there, Well, they're
they're functionally dead, the brain activity going on question question, Um,
well they come back to life. I mean that's what
we're working on. What we're going on, making sure that
they can pop back up and the program can break.
Get right back on his feet. So for the record,
just before, they are both employees of the decade. So
(09:11):
let's just let that let that be the record. Question. Yes,
question from the gentleman over there with the khakis on
his hands. Yes, it's cold here. I just want to
let you know about the temperature. Um, we have questions
actually about the the er portal and if that was
actually gonna allow for two ambulances to be parked there. Uh,
We're still in debate, and I'm gonna get back to
(09:36):
your follow up in about thirty minutes. Okay, all right, question,
does that mean that my dad's dad and I get
all his stuff and I have free reign of the
house and I can like make it into a skate
park from my friends and ship? Okay, who is this kid?
Who's this kid with this candy cigar? What? What do
you want? How did you get in here? I get
I'm crafty, crafty, crafty joke. Okay, this uh, alright after you.
(10:00):
My name is Brian Dick Wade. Brian, why don't you
come with me? You said your father is working episode.
My father's James Heeney. Father's James Heney. Look, here's all
the schematics, here's all the information. If your father's James Hey,
you might have the best chance possible to bring him
back to life. You understand, I do understand, But I'll
pass special. Well I tried so. Uh. We're your new
(10:25):
security detail here at the convenience store. We got um,
we got owl, black Owl. He's at the corner. He's
dressing city's civilian clothes, so he's undercover. I will be
wearing this suit as I am in charge of this.
Detail'll just I'll just be against the freezer case there,
(10:48):
my cowboys Stutson, and my mustache. Whenever kids come in,
I'll just slowly shake my head and give him a
disapproving look, which should take care of about seventy five
of would be shopping lifters. I'm ben, I gotta I
gotta a cooler as a costume. I'm gonna sit here
against the wall. I got a couple of cokes in me,
(11:09):
but I got my eyes open. Don't worry about me
any questions. Yeah, I mean, I totally appreciate this, but
you all are kind of like really, Uh, there's a
small space, so there's not a lot of room to
fron to move with you all in here. So hello,
how are you? I'm good, I'm good. M hm h.
(11:33):
Do we have eyes on him? Do we have eyes
on him? We do? I'm gonna go ahead and shake
my head slowly from lift ratte. This has been in
the vending machine, and I'm gonna just keep an eye
on him. Got four cokes right now, not diminishing doesn't
appear to be moving. I'm gonna go ahead and take
my toothpick out and throw it on the ground. Be careful.
(11:58):
This is uh, you know, it's not the corner store
my neighborhood used to have. I'm just gonna leave, all right,
go work everybody, you know, maybe y'll shouldn't just you know,
not talk like that, you know what I mean? I
feel like this kind of disrupted service. Your security specialist, No,
(12:23):
I'm a convenient specialist. Does you work for black Stone
and Different Wars undercover? No? I mean weren't they find
out that could be committee war crimes and all that.
Private companies can't come my work crime? So O can't
can't we're private? Yeah? Yeah you can't. Yeah yeah, I
mean walk Crames just got a general. Now legally, legally
we can. We can set a whole village on fire,
and it's fine. I mean, I don't illegally, what the
(12:45):
hell is that? Why would you even want to do that?
That's like, what the hell is that? Yeah? Well, you're
not a security specialist, that's the thing. You don't know,
you know, I don't like all these questions. I'm gonna
go ahead and look at you a convenience guy, and
shake my head slowly from left to right and hopefully
that will take airless criticism that is coming at us
right now, dcor. If we're looking here, the brainwaing brainwave
(13:08):
activity is popping. With James in a tool, it looks
like there is a transforms inside. Where am I? Where
am I? O? My god? A tool? Can you see me?
Where is my son? How many hot dogs am I
holding up? How many hot do? Please? Put the hot
(13:30):
dogs back in your lap? I feel like it's an
important test. I feel like it's an important Where's my son?
I missed my son? A tool? Son? That's what a son?
You know? Who's tel does? Who do you think you are?
I'm James, James the best ever. Now this is interesting
(13:52):
because even though James is now in a tool's body,
James doesn't know who a tool is in this area
for James. But that makes sense for James, but he
doesn't know who. Hold on, one second, one more test?
How many hot dogs are I holding up? Still? Go?
So let me get this straight. Both of you got
(14:13):
to live with me on the off chance that you
switch back. This is bullshit. This is total bullshit. And
you know it dad's son. Oh you you first body. Well, honestly,
he's not my son, so you should tell him, well
you have his body, his his father's body. But me,
I'm your son, and I've made mistakes, and I love you.
(14:35):
I'm gonna pay for you to go to any college
you want. If you want to go to the Southern
Kentucky Technical School, that's fine, I'll pay for it. I
love you, son, I love you. I don't want to
go to college. Don't you know anything about me? I'm
a performance artist. Don't you sunk this up for me?
All right? I got two huts bids down, all right,
said god damn living dream. You understand. So you're gonna
(14:57):
suck it up and you're gonna deal with those dads. Hello, fine, Hello, fine, fine,
all right, okay, Cinnamon, I'll do that, all right. Just
good morning, everybody. Welcome back to the Financial Building. So,
as you know, this weekend was a great success. We
were able to switch the brains and bodies of a
(15:20):
tool sing and James Heeney. One thing though, we know.
One thing we weren't clear on was, um, you good,
look at this here? Oh? Should I be? Should I
be at this? Why could somebody answer me, why uh
why we did this? Required to have proof of concept
(15:40):
for the money to be transferred. No, I'm asking why
why is that? What you? Guys? Guys, guys, I'm sorry
interrupt this press conference about at seven eleven on fifth
and Maine. Just blew the funk up? What what? What? Hell?
At seven eleven? Let's go, everybody, come on, let's go.
Let me get my skateboards. Cowboy, cowboy, look at me. Okay,
(16:07):
my mustache burnt. The funk off. I don't got long.
I can't keep drinks cool anymore in my sending machine.
Custom This is just like that time, the whole fucking villain.
We don't have a lot of time. Let's just sing
our song of companion hood and going to the after
(16:31):
last six, seven, eight, Well, doctor, we were able to
take their consciousness, but the only things that were around
were an open bag of oreos and several loose hot dogs.
So the consciousness of those seven level employees have been
(16:53):
put inside an oreo and too loose hot dogs. Hot
dogs happened to be on the fucking menu. Oh my gosh,
this is a coincidence. All right, what do you want me?
What do you want? To say, Okay, look, it was
a successful transfer. You hate me because I think hot
dogs are the cutting nege form of science. I hate
you because you won't park near me. Why can't we
walk to the office in the morning because you get
(17:15):
here so late. I get here early. I'm not gonna
wait in my car. If we woke up in the
same bed, that wouldn't be a problem. That wouldn't it
needs we are not to get Okay, a tool? Right?
Oh yeah, I mean James, we knew each other for
a long time before this, and now you should if anything,
(17:38):
recognized me more because I'm you your body. We just
had a suit a procedure that took place. I'm sorry
if I have side effects a tool, don't be so
nerdy about it. And that was the weirdest summer of
my life. And that's c number one. Number two is
(18:02):
from Patreon v I P. Nicholas Maker, who wrote, Hi
Kevin this time I'm hailing from an alternate timeline where
Lincoln was not assassinated, but lived on to cross the
Alps with an army of manure powered automatons, only to
see his rain ended by his treacherous second in command.
Admiral dung Boat, the third, who to this day shines
his gracious light upon all creatures in the domain. Sorry,
(18:25):
it's dung Bot. I just read that. Anyhow, my suggestion
open bar at an octopus wedding. Can I buy you
eight drinks? Um? Okay, I'll have I have an Old Fashioned.
(18:46):
I'll have a Tequila Sunrise, I have a Long Island
Ice tea. I have a strawberry dacre. I'll have a
rub and coke. I'll have a peanut Colata. Al right,
I'll have a whiskey on the box. Okay, we'll have
a Cosmopolitan. Okay, hey, bar, keep eight bud lights. Sure thing?
(19:09):
What did the lady say? Something I can make that?
You just repeat it. I'd like to get an old Fashioned,
a Tequila Sunrise, a peanut Colada, rum and co a
Long Island ice tea, a whiskey on the rocks, a
seven and seven and all right, baby baby opened the door.
(19:38):
Look it's okay that you're a starfish. Okay, Well, my
family loves everybody just doing me. I'm like the dumbest
thing here. They hate me. Look that might be true,
but you're also the most beautiful. We're very intelligent. Well
you know that about me. I can't believe your mother
(20:00):
and put a bottle in front of you and she
said open it and then just sucks like sliding. I
can't do that. I have a rigid body. That was
surprising to all of us. We all kind of thought
you could do that, slide into the bottle. That sounds
like I feel like I'm just being attacked my own friends,
from your family. I just in some ways you are.
In some ways you are, Oh my god, okay, get
(20:24):
in some ways, but listen to defend me. They're about
to have the speeches, and I want to be there
for the speeches. Baby, this is my brother was getting
married after all. Come on, no, no, but it's just
like I just think I feel like they're just gonna
pick but at me and they're just going to so
why don't you're beautiful conkinking king, king, king king king
(20:47):
kkkkkkkkink everybody, thanks for coming. You know, I never thought
my be a best friend with gay either octopus groom
being a manateea. I don't have too many pals. But
we go back to crustacean you where we were roommates.
(21:13):
See you forever. But it's see you. Anyways, we got
up to some no good or eback in those days,
especially him. Am I right, you know what I'm talking
about Sandbar twenty twenty two. Anyways, glad everybody could be
(21:37):
here to day as celebrate the special day, even Veronica
the weird fucking star fish here on the group. Strader
Bright said, huh, I'm on the bright side. Yeah, I
went to college together. Neither, but this is crazy, this speech. Well,
I'm sorry, neither. You can't you can't be here. I
(21:58):
can't be here. If you don't know either of the parties.
You have to leave. Well I know them now, I
mean da you know you gotta leave complete? Yeah, I
just cut your cut your arm off. So what are
you gonna do? Oh my god, it's growing again. Oh yeah,
chicken out. You gotta leave, dude, You're kind is not
(22:24):
wanted here. Oh fuck you man, see see if you
can walk now? Oh? Your legs growing again? All right,
everybody make your way to the dance floor as we
celebrate the first dance with the newly Way and Sad.
(22:55):
Why do we have to like I set up that
he can play it? Why do we all have to
sing it? Does um? I'm looking at this footage that
you've brought us for National Geographic and I am having
(23:17):
a hard time believing what I'm seeing it happened. Look,
I need to make a buck. This is real, so
you should print it. It got even crazier after the
dance floor. It sounds like there's an intermingling of fish
(23:37):
down there that we don't typically see in the everyday
National Geographic videos. You do typically see it, if you'd
believe that every Disney film about sea creatures. If I may,
I'm the only one here who had an octopus for
a teacher, and I don't recall ever seeing something like this, sir.
It feels a bit fabricated. If I'm being honest, you
(24:01):
that you don't believe I walked in here in a
suit being I haven't seen shoes underneath that suit. I
have half wondering what's down there? Oh, it's just some air.
Jordan's I'm a real person. I don't I don't believe it.
I don't believe this is a real person. Wow, you're
(24:24):
being a real jerk. You're a regular propeller. All right,
dance is done for a while, so you know what
that means. We're tired of singing man. Okay, we're tired
of singing man music. We're moving on. I am the
m C with the most teeth. Alright, gentlemen, now it's
time for our favorite moment of any octopus dance. That is,
(24:47):
eat the Starfish. I never I never loved you. Okay,
like this is, this is a whole rose. Oh my god,
you're you're my my wedding gift to my brother. God, Midsummer.
It's like that. But it's like that, It's like Midsummer.
(25:07):
You didn't see it? No, do you see what? Do
you see it streaming or in the theater streaming? Obviously
I'm not gonna go to theater and see that. It's
freaking on this question. So you probably see this as
a food chain moment, but for us there it was
more of a fucked up snuff film situation. Well, it
comes across as a funked up snuff film situation. You
(25:29):
guys turned on the Starfish. Have you seen that Netflix film?
It's I think it's a New Zealand film called Midsummer. No,
I haven't. I don't have a Netflix account. I just
have Peacock. Oh well, then it's hard to explain. But
this is this is fucked up. But you've all seen
(25:50):
my film right where the octopus was my teacher. Now
that's what the thing is with the octopus. That was
your teacher. As you learned a lot from the octopus.
But there was a there was a there was another teacher,
a professor that was helping. It was more of a
co teacher thing. Okay, well that's I mean, if you
learned from the octopus, I am not going to deny that,
(26:10):
but it was kind of a learning together process. Now
the next thing you're gonna see on here. If you
thought that was bad, whole boy, buckle your seat speed
boat belts because al right, everybody, now that we just
ate that fucking beish. No, man, we didn't want to
eat somebody. We didn't want to sing the song. We're
(26:32):
just gonna have to call it for you. We want
to keep partying, but we don't want you to leave
the party. I got one last alright, just fun moment,
all right. Now, he's kind of our enemy, but he's
promised to be nice. Ladies and gentlemen. We're gonna ride this, sure, Jason,
(26:53):
I'm sorry, but we can't have your part of the
dj compy anymore. I mean, you had that entire Do
you just do a bump of coked? It's actually not
a problem if it's not, if you're not abusing it.
It's eight in the morning. Jason, Hey, you like cavine.
That's drug? You know what I mean? What's up now?
I'm not even gonna debate. That's not even the shark,
(27:15):
you know, friends of the shark threatening. Okay, I'm a dolphin.
I can use my goddamn sonic boom and knock that
sound of a bit out. Alright, alright, alright, alright, what
do you need for me? Man? How can they change?
How can I make it better? We're taking your djail
license away. Get off of me, Jason. Please see your
way out. Please see your way out, Jason, Jason, Please, God. Yeah,
(27:39):
he left me alive to tell the tale. I'm the
only one who made it out. Thus, I'm giving you
this tape in hopes of it going everywhere, sort of
like when somebody mails the tape to the newspapers in
case they don't make it well. I feel like if
we're gonna air this, natge you, we're gonna need your
(28:01):
voice to be the voice over narration because otherwise people
are are gonna believe it. You have an authenticity about
it that is unique. Look, I'm happy to do it,
but it will significantly double your run time. If you're
okay with that, I'm happy to narrate it. Well, what
(28:21):
do you think I think? I say yes, okay. If
the octopus taught me anything when he was my teacher,
it's that sometimes you got to take a risk, even
if that risk means double the run time. Mm hmm.
And okay, yeah, let's let's do it. Alright, class, Uh,
thanks for being great class this whole semester. And no, no,
(28:47):
I'm gonna take that. I'm gonna respond with love. Okay,
I love you, all right. I want you to remember
a few things when you when you go into the
real world. Alright, a few different lessons. First of all,
I always try to say yes. Uh. Second of all,
if you let a manateee narrate, it will take twice
as long. The third thing, um, try to be positive.
(29:12):
Um man, I'm even in this class. I've got two dads.
Fuck school man, Crafty, Crafty, you have a seat, all right,
bullshit sucking Crafty, quit moving around, Crafty, look at me.
I love you. So do you know the professor? Do
you know the students? I am? Are you talking about?
(29:35):
He's the professor, he's my teacher. I'm I'm a human.
He's an octopus and he's so. Are you a student
or a teacher? Yeah? You can. You can't be here, man,
You got you gotta get Christian University is just yeah,
you can't. You have to be a teacher. Yeah, hey, listen,
how did you find this? What are you doing? Of
(30:00):
course you're sick. You're sick. Man. It's fine, Fine, it's fine,
it's fine. Look, I don't know anybody. I don't know anybody.
Who are you with? Nobody knows me. I gotta get out.
I can see hear what it says. It has three
letters on it's t w R. It doesn't matter, it
doesn't matter. Let's just get out of here. What are
you doing with Let's just get go my hand. I'm
(30:20):
not going to just give a little baggy alright, alright, okay,
no one sign anything, right, no one sign anything? Yeah,
I saw it, God damn it. I guess I'd better
take this to network. And that same number two guys
(30:44):
C three is from Caleb, who wrote, hey, guys, my
last thing I wrote and sucked at. Not blaming you,
but I am blaming Cole Stratton. Okay, well, if you
thought that was a derailment, just wait to this fucking
Titanic thing we're gonna do. To your quick story. I
recently bought some bone conduction glasses and listened to you
(31:06):
while I'm working, and it didn't really notice how fucking
creepy I looked walking around laughing to myself without any
headphones until someone pointed it out to let him wear
my glasses and listen to your show, and he didn't
laugh once. Jesus Christ or being roasted anyways, onto the
next one. Here's the suggestion. The Olympics announced that they
(31:28):
have replaced all of their sports with new and improved
ones and now require every athlete to partake in the
use of performance enhancing drugs to truly test the limits
of the human body. Give joy a little hetero kissing
the lips from me, Thanks Caleb. Oh, what where's my
robot chase? Everyone just calmed down, everybody, Your equipment is safe.
(31:54):
Do not worry. Now, listen, organize all of the athletes.
We understand that. Okay, now listen, we We have all
the athletes here, all right, and where no one's gonna
be able to perform rights. Everything safe, alright. Everyone's equipment
has been put in several Duffel bags and they would
(32:15):
have been on top of my world bus in duffel.
Right again, everyone's equipment is in several Duffel bags and
they are on top of a bus. The meaning of
this does duffer bag. It's a couple of Duffel bags
we had to cut and so together. All right, yeah, yeah,
(32:38):
yeah yeah. Did you start the meeting up yesterday? Everyone?
This is the head of the Olympic Committee, Mr John
off Gloof. Alright, I've got some new equipment for each
of you in your sports. Things are going to be
a little bit more exciting this year. Al right. So
who does this? This here as a schooner made of stone.
(33:00):
It's a stone schooner. Who's the boater? Mr Glue? All right?
This is your schooner, your stone schooner. All right, it
looks it looks hard to me. I'm used to my rowboat. Yeah,
it's gonna be a little strange. Let's not have any
questions quite yet. Will I divvy these things out? Let's
(33:22):
here you haven't heard. This is just the beginning of
a beautiful relationship, alright. And who's who usually plays discuss?
Did you hear that? Just like had everyone in that
auditorium for like twenty hours as that one dude just
single handedly handed out all these equipment and he didn't
(33:42):
even know who he was, just like he was just
like he means this six years. I've been working out
six years. I've been killing It's okay, can we just
keep kissing. I'm not gonna work in the CPR doll anymore. Okay,
I'm done with it, all right, we keep kissing. No,
all right, said we're not together anymore? You wake up
(34:02):
too late. I hate that, all right. I'm an early riser,
you know that because I'm an athlete, all right, I'm
an athlete. It needs you to continue the CPR the
pushdowns on the chest. Okay, thank you, And oh my god,
it's just crazy to me. I'm just thinking to myself,
like where did this, Like how did this all happen?
(34:22):
You know what I mean? So what's what's the big problem?
But just that, what do you mean? Like I have
to whole use the whole new equipment. I'm a fensor
and now he's telling me I have to use rocket haunchers.
It's like, doesn't make any gud damn the sense they
complete opposite of what my sport is. I want to
remind you to breathe after ten bumps. Okay, yeah, we
got it, We got it all right, staying alive that's
(34:45):
the song. Okay, Hey, are you still um? You're still
feeling good though, You're still feeling healthy otherwise of course. Yeah. No,
I'm still doing my morning routines and working on all
that stuff. Yeah, and I'm just just like doing Sorry, sorry, sorry,
says you have going to compete in the CPS this year.
Huh yeah, yeah, professional pumpers what we call ourselves pump
(35:08):
pumping breath. You know. This is it the France's U
we takes the cpl LU And I don't know why
you think you can compute with this. You know, I'm
just gonna give it my best, if I'm being honest. Um,
And actually I respect you guys so much, and I
respect you in particular. Um. The way you were able
to pump last year without breaking any of those ribs
was like masterful? Thank you? Is it? Kali is the finesse,
(35:32):
which I do, is it you guys? Are you guys
are competing for CPR this year? We all right, it's
gonna be a little trickier now because I want you
to hold your arms out really quick. Okay, okay, were
you thinking this is kind of a hybred new steroid.
(35:53):
It's some kind of like what Baine uses in the
Batman series. So you're gonna have a lot more strength.
It's gonna be hard to contain your emotions, but we
still need you to do soft compressions to the chest.
All right. So yeah, who is this? Ben is a band? Well,
he's a he's a he's a uh pretty much a
(36:14):
terrorist of sorts. But he uses uh power enhancement gas
to give him super straight. It doesn't matter. I thought
it was going to be an easy translation to you guys.
Can I ask you one question? Yeah? Whye Okay, now
it's about three ft. Mr Glouf, thank you for coming
(36:34):
into the meeting of the International Olympic Committee. M hm,
you have been relieved of your duties. What what opened
the tank? M M tank has dolphins in it, but
free dolphins. That very dangerous. That the most sexually active
(36:59):
animals in the world. So I know are you saying
I gotta go into that take. You don't have no choice.
Mr Luke, you've messed up up. I thought you guys
wanted to have more exciting. Yeah. That Olympic media was fucked.
(37:19):
I mean, jeez, I don't tell. I don't know what
I expected. Some kind of reprimand maybe some kind of
financial like, uh, you know, I don't know payment or
something like that. It's like a I don't know penalty.
But my god, they threw him that day with dolphins,
and those dolphins ate him a lie. Just make sure
you keep breathing and pumping. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Oh my gosh, just well anyway, voice memo over all right, Okay,
(37:44):
let me just keep pumping and pumping. I haven't got
my my doll or whatever it's called here. He's got
some shot that we call her Annie Annie. Okay, Well,
can I get another doll? Or? Is this normal that
I have to have? The very normal? Yeah? Make sure
make sure fingers stronger. All right, okay, voice memo. Welcome
(38:06):
to the Olympic Village restaurant. Um. Unfortunately, we can't seat
your doll. We don't have a lot of room here,
so I can get you a table for one if
you like. She's like her own sheet. Very funny. Um,
so here's one menu here that you are that's the appetazers.
You can follow me right this way? Place? Do you
do you have a menu that do a menu that's
(38:27):
in uh French. We use the Olympic language here in
the Olympic Village restaurant, so it's the universal language. France
is French is a universal people know French. Wegett and
I just got the order back. Look, only one can
order off the dolls menu, not both of them. Okay,
just one? So what you go back out there and
(38:49):
get his order? But I can't give him both off
the dolls menu are right, only only the doll Sorry, chef. Hey, um,
I hope you guys are enjoying your teas. Um quick thing.
It's small, but you can't. She ordered a rose a
while ago and she never got Yeah, that's coming right,
that's coming right now. But you you also ordered off
the dolls men. You you can't order off the dolls man.
(39:10):
You have to order off the humans menu. What do
you mean I can't order off the dollsmen. It's kind
of like because chef has I staid. Don't know why, dude,
If I'm being honest, look, I can't fill the order.
He's not gonna want to eat buttons anyways. Okay, but
that makes sense. I'm right back, Okay, I figured it out.
It's because he's making like food with it for dolls.
(39:32):
It's like button she wanted to refill on her rose
and she never got that yet. I'm bringing that out
right now. So unless you want to eat yarn and
thread and buttons, you gotta order off off the other.
I'm trying her cuisine. Damn. Okay, that makes sense, dude,
you know. Alright, Fine, I'll fill the order, but we
can't be liable for this, alright. He literally this, This
(39:54):
order has needles in it. Okay, you're on. I would
like to present the case of my client. My client
has had a button stuck in his anus for two months. Now. Sure,
he ate the button, but I would prove that the
restaurant is liable for allowing him to eat the button
and the needles as if he was sewing on a
(40:16):
button on a beautiful shirt. Objection, y'all. All, We happen
to have footage of z plaintiff actually put in the
butts up his own a noose and not digesting them,
thus making the restaurant not liable. You're own a Please,
I'm like to see that footage. I'd like to see
(40:38):
the footage of him putting those buttons up his anus.
All right, I'll exhibit this now. After losing the case,
I did acquire all footage, and I think that GEO
might really think this is a good documentary series. If not,
maybe some educational uh series did to go with it.
I think people don't understand the problems of eating buttons
(41:00):
and needle. You're coming across as desperate. You bring up
a lot of footage that just this isn't gonna help.
It's not the NAT GEO kind of education system. We want.
You tell me what this is going to teach people tonight,
buttons And it was at that moment that Annie ate
the crocheted rose and Buster went ahead and ate a needle.
(41:23):
Let's take a look at it now. Okay, welcome back,
lads and gentlemen to what used to be called the
fencing portion of these Olympics, but today they are the
rocket launcher challenge, the rocket launcher Challenge. I'm excited to
see how this is gonna go also this year, and
(41:43):
I'm sure people have been talking about it. There's been
a hashtag on Twitter. Uh, this is hashtag um enhanced drugs.
I'm trying to make it my own. I'm trying to
make a lot of exposition to fill into this moment.
Do you know what I mean? Understands what's going on?
Don't go to commercial. I'm fine, I'm still good. Look,
(42:04):
I'm still good. F one fatherly commercial, what's going on?
I don't know if I even feel comfortable going against
you with this rocket launcher. I study fencing. Where did
(42:28):
you study fencing? France? A big France fencing school. That's
a that's the country that's best known for their they're
pumping and breathing. Uh. But they have a wide uh
spectrum of Olympic training and I studied fencing. Yeah, like
(42:51):
it covers a very big spectrum of options. Of no,
I said, why, why why do they have so many? Oh?
My bad? Well that was quick. Okay, it looks like
Argentina take now an address from the President of the
(43:13):
United States. Ladies and gentlemen, it's high your President Brian
Crafty Heeney. I saw the footage that came from the
Olympics and it was a travesty, and so we are
going to discontinue the Olympics until it goes back to normal.
Once everything has been met and all the boxes have
been checked, then we will go back. That is all
(43:34):
I have to say. Yep Son, I still love you, whatever, dude,
You're such an asshole. So no, look who else is here?
All right? Everybody wrapping up, get your stuff, get out
of here. Olympics are over. Olympics are over. I don't care.
Don't show what your badges. I don't care. You have
(43:56):
been fired a long time ago. Okay, I feel like this.
This is you know, this outro is kind of like
you know, you know, you do one more thing the
same time. Thing we need to do is what we
all do is see zy Olympics, which is blyses shock
lies right, shark right, sure, and that's our show. Everybody.
(44:25):
We wrote the Shark. We did it. Let's nap each
of our alchemists and see what's up. Joey Green, Yes,
thank you for having me, and thank you to everybody
for being here. And America's still here. I like it.
I think I think she's a great country. Uh hey,
(44:48):
thanks for having me. I appreciate you can follow me
on my socials at a tool time. That's the most everything.
Instagram YouTube blah blah blah. James, Hey, I've been just
doing a whole bunch of video game stuff on game Front,
So check that out YouTube slash game Front. Chris Alvarado. Yeah,
(45:09):
I go to Chris dash Alvardo dot com for I mean,
just a website that doesn't get updated regularly. But what
I do I'm poor with grammar. I'm Cole Stratton. You
can follow me at Stratton Cole or at Cole Stratton
depending on the platform. You just put type it in
you'll figure out which one it is. Also, uh S
Sketch Fest is a comedy festival that I founded and
(45:30):
stuff and we can't do a festival, which would normally
be right now this year is We're doing a big
virtual show on January, over a hundred performers. The lineup
is insane. It's like Kids in the Hall and France,
the Insult Comic Dog and Bob Odin Kirk and David
Cross and the Tenderloins and it just goes on and
on and on. Uh we're reging out of the slip
nuts from Conan. Awesome anyways, Go to s S sketch
(45:52):
Fest dot com buy a ticket. It's gonna be amazing,
trust me on that. Let's thank our engineer and producer,
Doug May and the fine folks at I heart Media
dot com. Please write to us at your name here
at alchemy this dot com. That's your name here at
(46:13):
alchemy Until next time,
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy, this COVID nineteen edition.
I'm your host, kol Scrat and I'm back. It's been
a while, guys, it's been a while, but I'm here.
So let's meet our alchemist. Showing in no particular order,
Let's say hey to James, Hey, Hey, what is it
always rain on me? Well, it's your hot and that
(00:22):
temperature races the humidity, and that rain is just a
sign of how steamy you make it. Thank you, all right,
can always rely on you, Mr Science. Look over there,
it's Chris Alvarado. Chris, are we human or are we dancer? Dancer?
Final answer? I figured by asking you that one that
(00:43):
was gonna be your choice. Guys here now it's a tool,
saying a tool. How will I know if he really
loves me? If he dances? Going back to Chris, if
he dances for you, that's how he That's how you
should know. Nice cans in a quick Congrats to Chris. Yes,
(01:04):
my god, I can't believe that. Yes, congratulations on what
he booked. He booked. Congratulate you booked it, you boosted
the big one. Thank you very much. It's the best
meaning you can be in right, that's cute and last.
(01:26):
But if you think I'm last, it's Joey Graer. Joey,
do you know the way to San Jose? Yes? I do,
And actually it's gonna surprise you how they get there.
A lot of people are gonna think they're gonna take
the d I five south and I'm gonna tell you
right now, do not do that, okay, because you're gonna
hit bumper the bumper regardless of the time. I know
people are gonna say go earlier, go later, but you're
(01:46):
going later. That's actually a little more dangerous. People don't
realize a lot of trucks travel at night because there's
less traffic. But that does mean you're competing against individuals
for driving long distance. Is probably tired, you know, you
know the history. I'm gonna stop you there, you lost it.
Go south on the five. I just that's the wrong way,
completely wrong. But thank you though, all right. All of
(02:09):
our c suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails, from or
from our Patreon va p s. To become a Patreon
supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content and other perks,
just head on over to patreon dot com. Slash alchemy this.
If you'd like to submit a scene suggestion via email,
please write to the podcast at your name here at
alchemy this dot com. That's your name here, James Jump.
(02:34):
When have we ever said your name ever? Always? You
know what it was? Last week Craig said it really clearly,
and us like, you know, Craig's not here, I'm gonna
say it clear. Sorry, that's that old adage. If Craig
isn't here, we gotta say it clear, all right. See.
Number one comes from John, who wrote, just to start
(02:55):
off all the usual compliments, insert your favorites here. I
have a couple of guestions in case any of these
are on the veto list. Number one, As you all
prepare for an all star episode of your favorite characters
and or voices, you all end up having a mind
swap and the show must go on. For example, Joey's
mind is in James's body and still tries to do
the hold the Door guy or number two. The Southern
(03:20):
Houston Institute of Technology and the Financial University of Central
Kentucky are rival colleges and are both are competing for something. John,
I mean I think we could. I think neither, but
let's let's do uh. Alright, So if we look at
(03:47):
the proposal here, I think there's uh, I mean, um,
a tool keeps staring in the mirror and asking who
am I, and I don't it seems concerning to me?
Okay to would you like to step outside at all?
Or no? No, no. I I didn't get to do
my mantras in the morning, and so I thought I
just do him here at the meeting. That's almost done now, Um, gentlemen,
(04:09):
if you could just bring your nose is a little
closer to my lips. Uh. He is actually one of
the case studies that I've been talking about. Now. The
program is going to take intelligence people's personalities and place
them in somebody else's body. Now, alright, Houston needs the money,
all right, so if we could, if we can get
that money the Houston Financial thing, or that's what we're
(04:30):
called the Houston Financial Thing. We haven't decided on an
actual term for ourselves yet. We're still you know, we're
going back and forth. He might be the Houston financial
buildings financial people that we haven't work now, and they
they're requiring a proof of concept before there's any transfer
of money at all. So we've got to I mean,
that's a tool. I don't know that that's really a
(04:51):
good proof of concept right now, he's struggling. Can we
do some sort of tests make sure this working correctly.
I understand you want. You want a better proof of concept,
throof of concept, not just concept put down on a
human body. I'm figuring it out so by game time
I'm gonna be ready. Well, Dr Lawrence, Uh yeah, my
(05:11):
dad's a real square. He works at that Houston financial thing.
I hate that guy. I would not want to be
in his shoes even for an hour. You know what
I'm saying, Chad. Yeah, but you know I was reading
this thing that whatever you say into the universe, you manifest.
So even you're saying you don't want to do it,
still might make it happen. I don't drink that slot,
(05:34):
but you did. You pay for your fucking kids. Okay, Chad,
I get that. But you know, like I don't know,
I'm just having such problems with dad, you know, like
I wish my dad was cool like years. I mean,
he's got crystals and a beaded curtain and everything, and
he passed that philosophy down to you. Yeah, I see that.
I see that. But I just once again, words are powerful.
(05:56):
Words are powerful, and so be careful. Brian. You know,
anything you say you're gonna manifest today. If you pop
open that travel Oreo pack, you're gonna pay for it.
Fucking kids. Look alright, Chad, I get that and I
marked that. Now, put the Nutter butters in your fucking
backpack and let's get out of here. Okay, go coo
coo coo. God fuck you establishment. I was just doing
(06:23):
the inventory check and we're short a few things. Felix
were short. Some nutter butters um or short some uh,
there's a Slurprie cup missing. Um, what's exactly you've been
going on on your shift? I'll think exactly what's been
going on? I need another person with me or security detail,
because I got these goddamn kids coming in all the time,
(06:43):
drinking the slurpies, taking the travel Warriors. It's it's nuts.
What do you want me to do? What? I'm only
one guy? Okay, I gotta make sure those hot dogs
are turning. I gotta make sure that that pizza we
paid extra for the machine, Felix, the hot ducks turn
on their own. Okay, you don't need to overturn the pots.
I gotta make sure it's working. I gotta make sure
it's working all right. Man, the day my sister breaks up,
(07:04):
you're fired? Oh is that so? Let me tell you this.
I'm gonna ask you to marry me. Don't do it.
Don't do it? Okay, James and a Tool welcome to
my office. Now. Um, you both are incredible employees here
at this building, at this financial institution. And um, I'm
(07:25):
James Heeney. Yes, I've just never nobody. I've never gotten
employees a month. I've never gotten any. Are you sure
that I'm who you look? We want to give you
an opportunity to be employee of the decade, James, are
you serious? A Tool? I'm about to pitch you an
(07:46):
idea and now we take it if you Yeah, you
both need to be here that you see those two
helmets over there that look like Calinder's upside down with
why are sticking out of them? Yeah? It looks like
that thing they put on a guy in Ghostbusters exactly exactly.
I thought the same thing. No, if you wouldn't mind
put one of those on each of your heads, please,
(08:07):
it's my head perfectly it's a little tight. It's okay,
just swee. You've got a larger head. I I what
is it? Seven three eight, seven and seven eights? Actually big?
Sure different? Just just say all right now, gentlemen, there's
a switch here. Now, if I flipped this switch, guaranteed
(08:30):
employees the decade, nobody need the switch down. You walk
out of here being mediocre employees. And just do I
need this a tool? Well, we both get employees employee
of the decade? Yeah, both Well, I mean, no one's
allowed in the hospital room as of as of now,
(08:51):
but both James and a tool. Uh there, Well, they're
they're functionally dead, the brain activity going on question question, Um,
well they come back to life. I mean that's what
we're working on. What we're going on, making sure that
they can pop back up and the program can break.
Get right back on his feet. So for the record,
just before, they are both employees of the decade. So
(09:11):
let's just let that let that be the record. Question. Yes,
question from the gentleman over there with the khakis on
his hands. Yes, it's cold here. I just want to
let you know about the temperature. Um, we have questions
actually about the the er portal and if that was
actually gonna allow for two ambulances to be parked there. Uh,
We're still in debate, and I'm gonna get back to
(09:36):
your follow up in about thirty minutes. Okay, all right, question,
does that mean that my dad's dad and I get
all his stuff and I have free reign of the
house and I can like make it into a skate
park from my friends and ship? Okay, who is this kid?
Who's this kid with this candy cigar? What? What do
you want? How did you get in here? I get
I'm crafty, crafty, crafty joke. Okay, this uh, alright after you.
(10:00):
My name is Brian Dick Wade. Brian, why don't you
come with me? You said your father is working episode.
My father's James Heeney. Father's James Heney. Look, here's all
the schematics, here's all the information. If your father's James Hey,
you might have the best chance possible to bring him
back to life. You understand, I do understand, But I'll
pass special. Well I tried so. Uh. We're your new
(10:25):
security detail here at the convenience store. We got um,
we got owl, black Owl. He's at the corner. He's
dressing city's civilian clothes, so he's undercover. I will be
wearing this suit as I am in charge of this.
Detail'll just I'll just be against the freezer case there,
(10:48):
my cowboys Stutson, and my mustache. Whenever kids come in,
I'll just slowly shake my head and give him a
disapproving look, which should take care of about seventy five
of would be shopping lifters. I'm ben, I gotta I
gotta a cooler as a costume. I'm gonna sit here
against the wall. I got a couple of cokes in me,
(11:09):
but I got my eyes open. Don't worry about me
any questions. Yeah, I mean, I totally appreciate this, but
you all are kind of like really, Uh, there's a
small space, so there's not a lot of room to
fron to move with you all in here. So hello,
how are you? I'm good, I'm good. M hm h.
(11:33):
Do we have eyes on him? Do we have eyes
on him? We do? I'm gonna go ahead and shake
my head slowly from lift ratte. This has been in
the vending machine, and I'm gonna just keep an eye
on him. Got four cokes right now, not diminishing doesn't
appear to be moving. I'm gonna go ahead and take
my toothpick out and throw it on the ground. Be careful.
(11:58):
This is uh, you know, it's not the corner store
my neighborhood used to have. I'm just gonna leave, all right,
go work everybody, you know, maybe y'll shouldn't just you know,
not talk like that, you know what I mean? I
feel like this kind of disrupted service. Your security specialist, No,
(12:23):
I'm a convenient specialist. Does you work for black Stone
and Different Wars undercover? No? I mean weren't they find
out that could be committee war crimes and all that.
Private companies can't come my work crime? So O can't
can't we're private? Yeah? Yeah you can't. Yeah yeah, I
mean walk Crames just got a general. Now legally, legally
we can. We can set a whole village on fire,
and it's fine. I mean, I don't illegally, what the
(12:45):
hell is that? Why would you even want to do that?
That's like, what the hell is that? Yeah? Well, you're
not a security specialist, that's the thing. You don't know,
you know, I don't like all these questions. I'm gonna
go ahead and look at you a convenience guy, and
shake my head slowly from left to right and hopefully
that will take airless criticism that is coming at us
right now, dcor. If we're looking here, the brainwaing brainwave
(13:08):
activity is popping. With James in a tool, it looks
like there is a transforms inside. Where am I? Where
am I? O? My god? A tool? Can you see me?
Where is my son? How many hot dogs am I
holding up? How many hot do? Please? Put the hot
(13:30):
dogs back in your lap? I feel like it's an
important test. I feel like it's an important Where's my son?
I missed my son? A tool? Son? That's what a son?
You know? Who's tel does? Who do you think you are?
I'm James, James the best ever. Now this is interesting
(13:52):
because even though James is now in a tool's body,
James doesn't know who a tool is in this area
for James. But that makes sense for James, but he
doesn't know who. Hold on, one second, one more test?
How many hot dogs are I holding up? Still? Go?
So let me get this straight. Both of you got
(14:13):
to live with me on the off chance that you
switch back. This is bullshit. This is total bullshit. And
you know it dad's son. Oh you you first body. Well, honestly,
he's not my son, so you should tell him, well
you have his body, his his father's body. But me,
I'm your son, and I've made mistakes, and I love you.
(14:35):
I'm gonna pay for you to go to any college
you want. If you want to go to the Southern
Kentucky Technical School, that's fine, I'll pay for it. I
love you, son, I love you. I don't want to
go to college. Don't you know anything about me? I'm
a performance artist. Don't you sunk this up for me?
All right? I got two huts bids down, all right,
said god damn living dream. You understand. So you're gonna
(14:57):
suck it up and you're gonna deal with those dads. Hello, fine, Hello, fine, fine,
all right, okay, Cinnamon, I'll do that, all right. Just
good morning, everybody. Welcome back to the Financial Building. So,
as you know, this weekend was a great success. We
were able to switch the brains and bodies of a
(15:20):
tool sing and James Heeney. One thing though, we know.
One thing we weren't clear on was, um, you good,
look at this here? Oh? Should I be? Should I
be at this? Why could somebody answer me, why uh
why we did this? Required to have proof of concept
(15:40):
for the money to be transferred. No, I'm asking why
why is that? What you? Guys? Guys, guys, I'm sorry
interrupt this press conference about at seven eleven on fifth
and Maine. Just blew the funk up? What what? What? Hell?
At seven eleven? Let's go, everybody, come on, let's go.
Let me get my skateboards. Cowboy, cowboy, look at me. Okay,
(16:07):
my mustache burnt. The funk off. I don't got long.
I can't keep drinks cool anymore in my sending machine.
Custom This is just like that time, the whole fucking villain.
We don't have a lot of time. Let's just sing
our song of companion hood and going to the after
(16:31):
last six, seven, eight, Well, doctor, we were able to
take their consciousness, but the only things that were around
were an open bag of oreos and several loose hot dogs.
So the consciousness of those seven level employees have been
(16:53):
put inside an oreo and too loose hot dogs. Hot
dogs happened to be on the fucking menu. Oh my gosh,
this is a coincidence. All right, what do you want me?
What do you want? To say, Okay, look, it was
a successful transfer. You hate me because I think hot
dogs are the cutting nege form of science. I hate
you because you won't park near me. Why can't we
walk to the office in the morning because you get
(17:15):
here so late. I get here early. I'm not gonna
wait in my car. If we woke up in the
same bed, that wouldn't be a problem. That wouldn't it
needs we are not to get Okay, a tool? Right?
Oh yeah, I mean James, we knew each other for
a long time before this, and now you should if anything,
(17:38):
recognized me more because I'm you your body. We just
had a suit a procedure that took place. I'm sorry
if I have side effects a tool, don't be so
nerdy about it. And that was the weirdest summer of
my life. And that's c number one. Number two is
(18:02):
from Patreon v I P. Nicholas Maker, who wrote, Hi
Kevin this time I'm hailing from an alternate timeline where
Lincoln was not assassinated, but lived on to cross the
Alps with an army of manure powered automatons, only to
see his rain ended by his treacherous second in command.
Admiral dung Boat, the third, who to this day shines
his gracious light upon all creatures in the domain. Sorry,
(18:25):
it's dung Bot. I just read that. Anyhow, my suggestion
open bar at an octopus wedding. Can I buy you
eight drinks? Um? Okay, I'll have I have an Old Fashioned.
(18:46):
I'll have a Tequila Sunrise, I have a Long Island
Ice tea. I have a strawberry dacre. I'll have a
rub and coke. I'll have a peanut Colata. Al right,
I'll have a whiskey on the box. Okay, we'll have
a Cosmopolitan. Okay, hey, bar, keep eight bud lights. Sure thing?
(19:09):
What did the lady say? Something I can make that?
You just repeat it. I'd like to get an old Fashioned,
a Tequila Sunrise, a peanut Colada, rum and co a
Long Island ice tea, a whiskey on the rocks, a
seven and seven and all right, baby baby opened the door.
(19:38):
Look it's okay that you're a starfish. Okay, Well, my
family loves everybody just doing me. I'm like the dumbest
thing here. They hate me. Look that might be true,
but you're also the most beautiful. We're very intelligent. Well
you know that about me. I can't believe your mother
(20:00):
and put a bottle in front of you and she
said open it and then just sucks like sliding. I
can't do that. I have a rigid body. That was
surprising to all of us. We all kind of thought
you could do that, slide into the bottle. That sounds
like I feel like I'm just being attacked my own friends,
from your family. I just in some ways you are.
In some ways you are, Oh my god, okay, get
(20:24):
in some ways, but listen to defend me. They're about
to have the speeches, and I want to be there
for the speeches. Baby, this is my brother was getting
married after all. Come on, no, no, but it's just
like I just think I feel like they're just gonna
pick but at me and they're just going to so
why don't you're beautiful conkinking king, king, king king king
(20:47):
kkkkkkkkink everybody, thanks for coming. You know, I never thought
my be a best friend with gay either octopus groom
being a manateea. I don't have too many pals. But
we go back to crustacean you where we were roommates.
(21:13):
See you forever. But it's see you. Anyways, we got
up to some no good or eback in those days,
especially him. Am I right, you know what I'm talking
about Sandbar twenty twenty two. Anyways, glad everybody could be
(21:37):
here to day as celebrate the special day, even Veronica
the weird fucking star fish here on the group. Strader
Bright said, huh, I'm on the bright side. Yeah, I
went to college together. Neither, but this is crazy, this speech. Well,
I'm sorry, neither. You can't you can't be here. I
(21:58):
can't be here. If you don't know either of the parties.
You have to leave. Well I know them now, I
mean da you know you gotta leave complete? Yeah, I
just cut your cut your arm off. So what are
you gonna do? Oh my god, it's growing again. Oh yeah,
chicken out. You gotta leave, dude, You're kind is not
(22:24):
wanted here. Oh fuck you man, see see if you
can walk now? Oh? Your legs growing again? All right,
everybody make your way to the dance floor as we
celebrate the first dance with the newly Way and Sad.
(22:55):
Why do we have to like I set up that
he can play it? Why do we all have to
sing it? Does um? I'm looking at this footage that
you've brought us for National Geographic and I am having
(23:17):
a hard time believing what I'm seeing it happened. Look,
I need to make a buck. This is real, so
you should print it. It got even crazier after the
dance floor. It sounds like there's an intermingling of fish
(23:37):
down there that we don't typically see in the everyday
National Geographic videos. You do typically see it, if you'd
believe that every Disney film about sea creatures. If I may,
I'm the only one here who had an octopus for
a teacher, and I don't recall ever seeing something like this, sir.
It feels a bit fabricated. If I'm being honest, you
(24:01):
that you don't believe I walked in here in a
suit being I haven't seen shoes underneath that suit. I
have half wondering what's down there? Oh, it's just some air.
Jordan's I'm a real person. I don't I don't believe it.
I don't believe this is a real person. Wow, you're
(24:24):
being a real jerk. You're a regular propeller. All right,
dance is done for a while, so you know what
that means. We're tired of singing man. Okay, we're tired
of singing man music. We're moving on. I am the
m C with the most teeth. Alright, gentlemen, now it's
time for our favorite moment of any octopus dance. That is,
(24:47):
eat the Starfish. I never I never loved you. Okay,
like this is, this is a whole rose. Oh my god,
you're you're my my wedding gift to my brother. God, Midsummer.
It's like that. But it's like that, It's like Midsummer.
(25:07):
You didn't see it? No, do you see what? Do
you see it streaming or in the theater streaming? Obviously
I'm not gonna go to theater and see that. It's
freaking on this question. So you probably see this as
a food chain moment, but for us there it was
more of a fucked up snuff film situation. Well, it
comes across as a funked up snuff film situation. You
(25:29):
guys turned on the Starfish. Have you seen that Netflix film?
It's I think it's a New Zealand film called Midsummer. No,
I haven't. I don't have a Netflix account. I just
have Peacock. Oh well, then it's hard to explain. But
this is this is fucked up. But you've all seen
(25:50):
my film right where the octopus was my teacher. Now
that's what the thing is with the octopus. That was
your teacher. As you learned a lot from the octopus.
But there was a there was a there was another teacher,
a professor that was helping. It was more of a
co teacher thing. Okay, well that's I mean, if you
learned from the octopus, I am not going to deny that,
(26:10):
but it was kind of a learning together process. Now
the next thing you're gonna see on here. If you
thought that was bad, whole boy, buckle your seat speed
boat belts because al right, everybody, now that we just
ate that fucking beish. No, man, we didn't want to
eat somebody. We didn't want to sing the song. We're
(26:32):
just gonna have to call it for you. We want
to keep partying, but we don't want you to leave
the party. I got one last alright, just fun moment,
all right. Now, he's kind of our enemy, but he's
promised to be nice. Ladies and gentlemen. We're gonna ride this, sure, Jason,
(26:53):
I'm sorry, but we can't have your part of the
dj compy anymore. I mean, you had that entire Do
you just do a bump of coked? It's actually not
a problem if it's not, if you're not abusing it.
It's eight in the morning. Jason, Hey, you like cavine.
That's drug? You know what I mean? What's up now?
I'm not even gonna debate. That's not even the shark,
(27:15):
you know, friends of the shark threatening. Okay, I'm a dolphin.
I can use my goddamn sonic boom and knock that
sound of a bit out. Alright, alright, alright, alright, what
do you need for me? Man? How can they change?
How can I make it better? We're taking your djail
license away. Get off of me, Jason. Please see your
way out. Please see your way out, Jason, Jason, Please, God. Yeah,
(27:39):
he left me alive to tell the tale. I'm the
only one who made it out. Thus, I'm giving you
this tape in hopes of it going everywhere, sort of
like when somebody mails the tape to the newspapers in
case they don't make it well. I feel like if
we're gonna air this, natge you, we're gonna need your
(28:01):
voice to be the voice over narration because otherwise people
are are gonna believe it. You have an authenticity about
it that is unique. Look, I'm happy to do it,
but it will significantly double your run time. If you're
okay with that, I'm happy to narrate it. Well, what
(28:21):
do you think I think? I say yes, okay. If
the octopus taught me anything when he was my teacher,
it's that sometimes you got to take a risk, even
if that risk means double the run time. Mm hmm.
And okay, yeah, let's let's do it. Alright, class, Uh,
thanks for being great class this whole semester. And no, no,
(28:47):
I'm gonna take that. I'm gonna respond with love. Okay,
I love you, all right. I want you to remember
a few things when you when you go into the
real world. Alright, a few different lessons. First of all,
I always try to say yes. Uh. Second of all,
if you let a manateee narrate, it will take twice
as long. The third thing, um, try to be positive.
(29:12):
Um man, I'm even in this class. I've got two dads.
Fuck school man, Crafty, Crafty, you have a seat, all right,
bullshit sucking Crafty, quit moving around, Crafty, look at me.
I love you. So do you know the professor? Do
you know the students? I am? Are you talking about?
(29:35):
He's the professor, he's my teacher. I'm I'm a human.
He's an octopus and he's so. Are you a student
or a teacher? Yeah? You can. You can't be here, man,
You got you gotta get Christian University is just yeah,
you can't. You have to be a teacher. Yeah, hey, listen,
how did you find this? What are you doing? Of
(30:00):
course you're sick. You're sick. Man. It's fine, Fine, it's fine,
it's fine. Look, I don't know anybody. I don't know anybody.
Who are you with? Nobody knows me. I gotta get out.
I can see hear what it says. It has three
letters on it's t w R. It doesn't matter, it
doesn't matter. Let's just get out of here. What are
you doing with Let's just get go my hand. I'm
(30:20):
not going to just give a little baggy alright, alright, okay,
no one sign anything, right, no one sign anything? Yeah,
I saw it, God damn it. I guess I'd better
take this to network. And that same number two guys
(30:44):
C three is from Caleb, who wrote, hey, guys, my
last thing I wrote and sucked at. Not blaming you,
but I am blaming Cole Stratton. Okay, well, if you
thought that was a derailment, just wait to this fucking
Titanic thing we're gonna do. To your quick story. I
recently bought some bone conduction glasses and listened to you
(31:06):
while I'm working, and it didn't really notice how fucking
creepy I looked walking around laughing to myself without any
headphones until someone pointed it out to let him wear
my glasses and listen to your show, and he didn't
laugh once. Jesus Christ or being roasted anyways, onto the
next one. Here's the suggestion. The Olympics announced that they
(31:28):
have replaced all of their sports with new and improved
ones and now require every athlete to partake in the
use of performance enhancing drugs to truly test the limits
of the human body. Give joy a little hetero kissing
the lips from me, Thanks Caleb. Oh, what where's my
robot chase? Everyone just calmed down, everybody, Your equipment is safe.
(31:54):
Do not worry. Now, listen, organize all of the athletes.
We understand that. Okay, now listen, we We have all
the athletes here, all right, and where no one's gonna
be able to perform rights. Everything safe, alright. Everyone's equipment
has been put in several Duffel bags and they would
(32:15):
have been on top of my world bus in duffel.
Right again, everyone's equipment is in several Duffel bags and
they are on top of a bus. The meaning of
this does duffer bag. It's a couple of Duffel bags
we had to cut and so together. All right, yeah, yeah,
(32:38):
yeah yeah. Did you start the meeting up yesterday? Everyone?
This is the head of the Olympic Committee, Mr John
off Gloof. Alright, I've got some new equipment for each
of you in your sports. Things are going to be
a little bit more exciting this year. Al right. So
who does this? This here as a schooner made of stone.
(33:00):
It's a stone schooner. Who's the boater? Mr Glue? All right?
This is your schooner, your stone schooner. All right, it
looks it looks hard to me. I'm used to my rowboat. Yeah,
it's gonna be a little strange. Let's not have any
questions quite yet. Will I divvy these things out? Let's
(33:22):
here you haven't heard. This is just the beginning of
a beautiful relationship, alright. And who's who usually plays discuss?
Did you hear that? Just like had everyone in that
auditorium for like twenty hours as that one dude just
single handedly handed out all these equipment and he didn't
(33:42):
even know who he was, just like he was just
like he means this six years. I've been working out
six years. I've been killing It's okay, can we just
keep kissing. I'm not gonna work in the CPR doll anymore. Okay,
I'm done with it, all right, we keep kissing. No,
all right, said we're not together anymore? You wake up
(34:02):
too late. I hate that, all right. I'm an early riser,
you know that because I'm an athlete, all right, I'm
an athlete. It needs you to continue the CPR the
pushdowns on the chest. Okay, thank you, And oh my god,
it's just crazy to me. I'm just thinking to myself,
like where did this, Like how did this all happen?
(34:22):
You know what I mean? So what's what's the big problem?
But just that, what do you mean? Like I have
to whole use the whole new equipment. I'm a fensor
and now he's telling me I have to use rocket haunchers.
It's like, doesn't make any gud damn the sense they
complete opposite of what my sport is. I want to
remind you to breathe after ten bumps. Okay, yeah, we
got it, We got it all right, staying alive that's
(34:45):
the song. Okay, Hey, are you still um? You're still
feeling good though, You're still feeling healthy otherwise of course. Yeah. No,
I'm still doing my morning routines and working on all
that stuff. Yeah, and I'm just just like doing Sorry, sorry, sorry,
says you have going to compete in the CPS this year.
Huh yeah, yeah, professional pumpers what we call ourselves pump
(35:08):
pumping breath. You know. This is it the France's U
we takes the cpl LU And I don't know why
you think you can compute with this. You know, I'm
just gonna give it my best, if I'm being honest. Um,
And actually I respect you guys so much, and I
respect you in particular. Um. The way you were able
to pump last year without breaking any of those ribs
was like masterful? Thank you? Is it? Kali is the finesse,
(35:32):
which I do, is it you guys? Are you guys
are competing for CPR this year? We all right, it's
gonna be a little trickier now because I want you
to hold your arms out really quick. Okay, okay, were
you thinking this is kind of a hybred new steroid.
(35:53):
It's some kind of like what Baine uses in the
Batman series. So you're gonna have a lot more strength.
It's gonna be hard to contain your emotions, but we
still need you to do soft compressions to the chest.
All right. So yeah, who is this? Ben is a band? Well,
he's a he's a he's a uh pretty much a
(36:14):
terrorist of sorts. But he uses uh power enhancement gas
to give him super straight. It doesn't matter. I thought
it was going to be an easy translation to you guys.
Can I ask you one question? Yeah? Whye Okay, now
it's about three ft. Mr Glouf, thank you for coming
(36:34):
into the meeting of the International Olympic Committee. M hm,
you have been relieved of your duties. What what opened
the tank? M M tank has dolphins in it, but
free dolphins. That very dangerous. That the most sexually active
(36:59):
animals in the world. So I know are you saying
I gotta go into that take. You don't have no choice.
Mr Luke, you've messed up up. I thought you guys
wanted to have more exciting. Yeah. That Olympic media was fucked.
(37:19):
I mean, jeez, I don't tell. I don't know what
I expected. Some kind of reprimand maybe some kind of
financial like, uh, you know, I don't know payment or
something like that. It's like a I don't know penalty.
But my god, they threw him that day with dolphins,
and those dolphins ate him a lie. Just make sure
you keep breathing and pumping. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Oh my gosh, just well anyway, voice memo over all right, Okay,
(37:44):
let me just keep pumping and pumping. I haven't got
my my doll or whatever it's called here. He's got
some shot that we call her Annie Annie. Okay, Well,
can I get another doll? Or? Is this normal that
I have to have? The very normal? Yeah? Make sure
make sure fingers stronger. All right, okay, voice memo. Welcome
(38:06):
to the Olympic Village restaurant. Um. Unfortunately, we can't seat
your doll. We don't have a lot of room here,
so I can get you a table for one if
you like. She's like her own sheet. Very funny. Um,
so here's one menu here that you are that's the appetazers.
You can follow me right this way? Place? Do you
do you have a menu that do a menu that's
(38:27):
in uh French. We use the Olympic language here in
the Olympic Village restaurant, so it's the universal language. France
is French is a universal people know French. Wegett and
I just got the order back. Look, only one can
order off the dolls menu, not both of them. Okay,
just one? So what you go back out there and
(38:49):
get his order? But I can't give him both off
the dolls menu are right, only only the doll Sorry, chef. Hey, um,
I hope you guys are enjoying your teas. Um quick thing.
It's small, but you can't. She ordered a rose a
while ago and she never got Yeah, that's coming right,
that's coming right now. But you you also ordered off
the dolls men. You you can't order off the dolls man.
(39:10):
You have to order off the humans menu. What do
you mean I can't order off the dollsmen. It's kind
of like because chef has I staid. Don't know why, dude,
If I'm being honest, look, I can't fill the order.
He's not gonna want to eat buttons anyways. Okay, but
that makes sense. I'm right back, Okay, I figured it out.
It's because he's making like food with it for dolls.
(39:32):
It's like button she wanted to refill on her rose
and she never got that yet. I'm bringing that out
right now. So unless you want to eat yarn and
thread and buttons, you gotta order off off the other.
I'm trying her cuisine. Damn. Okay, that makes sense, dude,
you know. Alright, Fine, I'll fill the order, but we
can't be liable for this, alright. He literally this, This
(39:54):
order has needles in it. Okay, you're on. I would
like to present the case of my client. My client
has had a button stuck in his anus for two months. Now. Sure,
he ate the button, but I would prove that the
restaurant is liable for allowing him to eat the button
and the needles as if he was sewing on a
(40:16):
button on a beautiful shirt. Objection, y'all. All, We happen
to have footage of z plaintiff actually put in the
butts up his own a noose and not digesting them,
thus making the restaurant not liable. You're own a Please,
I'm like to see that footage. I'd like to see
(40:38):
the footage of him putting those buttons up his anus.
All right, I'll exhibit this now. After losing the case,
I did acquire all footage, and I think that GEO
might really think this is a good documentary series. If not,
maybe some educational uh series did to go with it.
I think people don't understand the problems of eating buttons
(41:00):
and needle. You're coming across as desperate. You bring up
a lot of footage that just this isn't gonna help.
It's not the NAT GEO kind of education system. We want.
You tell me what this is going to teach people tonight,
buttons And it was at that moment that Annie ate
the crocheted rose and Buster went ahead and ate a needle.
(41:23):
Let's take a look at it now. Okay, welcome back,
lads and gentlemen to what used to be called the
fencing portion of these Olympics, but today they are the
rocket launcher challenge, the rocket launcher Challenge. I'm excited to
see how this is gonna go also this year, and
(41:43):
I'm sure people have been talking about it. There's been
a hashtag on Twitter. Uh, this is hashtag um enhanced drugs.
I'm trying to make it my own. I'm trying to
make a lot of exposition to fill into this moment.
Do you know what I mean? Understands what's going on?
Don't go to commercial. I'm fine, I'm still good. Look,
(42:04):
I'm still good. F one fatherly commercial, what's going on?
I don't know if I even feel comfortable going against
you with this rocket launcher. I study fencing. Where did
(42:28):
you study fencing? France? A big France fencing school. That's
a that's the country that's best known for their they're
pumping and breathing. Uh. But they have a wide uh
spectrum of Olympic training and I studied fencing. Yeah, like
(42:51):
it covers a very big spectrum of options. Of no,
I said, why, why why do they have so many? Oh?
My bad? Well that was quick. Okay, it looks like
Argentina take now an address from the President of the
(43:13):
United States. Ladies and gentlemen, it's high your President Brian
Crafty Heeney. I saw the footage that came from the
Olympics and it was a travesty, and so we are
going to discontinue the Olympics until it goes back to normal.
Once everything has been met and all the boxes have
been checked, then we will go back. That is all
(43:34):
I have to say. Yep Son, I still love you, whatever, dude,
You're such an asshole. So no, look who else is here?
All right? Everybody wrapping up, get your stuff, get out
of here. Olympics are over. Olympics are over. I don't care.
Don't show what your badges. I don't care. You have
(43:56):
been fired a long time ago. Okay, I feel like this.
This is you know, this outro is kind of like
you know, you know, you do one more thing the
same time. Thing we need to do is what we
all do is see zy Olympics, which is blyses shock
lies right, shark right, sure, and that's our show. Everybody.
(44:25):
We wrote the Shark. We did it. Let's nap each
of our alchemists and see what's up. Joey Green, Yes,
thank you for having me, and thank you to everybody
for being here. And America's still here. I like it.
I think I think she's a great country. Uh hey,
(44:48):
thanks for having me. I appreciate you can follow me
on my socials at a tool time. That's the most everything.
Instagram YouTube blah blah blah. James, Hey, I've been just
doing a whole bunch of video game stuff on game Front,
So check that out YouTube slash game Front. Chris Alvarado. Yeah,
(45:09):
I go to Chris dash Alvardo dot com for I mean,
just a website that doesn't get updated regularly. But what
I do I'm poor with grammar. I'm Cole Stratton. You
can follow me at Stratton Cole or at Cole Stratton
depending on the platform. You just put type it in
you'll figure out which one it is. Also, uh S
Sketch Fest is a comedy festival that I founded and
(45:30):
stuff and we can't do a festival, which would normally
be right now this year is We're doing a big
virtual show on January, over a hundred performers. The lineup
is insane. It's like Kids in the Hall and France,
the Insult Comic Dog and Bob Odin Kirk and David
Cross and the Tenderloins and it just goes on and
on and on. Uh we're reging out of the slip
nuts from Conan. Awesome anyways, Go to s S sketch
(45:52):
Fest dot com buy a ticket. It's gonna be amazing,
trust me on that. Let's thank our engineer and producer,
Doug May and the fine folks at I heart Media
dot com. Please write to us at your name here
at alchemy this dot com. That's your name here at
(46:13):
alchemy Until next time,
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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