October 12, 2021 • 46 mins
Allison's Dream.
Ball Park hot dog salesman can't turn off.
Pro Wrestler gets job at call center.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This sign your
guest host Cold Strattony and May running the asylum for
a little while. KP is out. Let's meet everybody today's
shall we? First up? Craig Takowski. Craig, what book would
you love to see them make a movie? Yes? Um?
(00:24):
Has the Bible been done animated? Um? But just every
every story yet? Like I know they've covered like some
of the major ones, like like Noah. Straight Channel had
like an amazing the Bible. I still feel like anybody
who's adapted to the Bible just hasn't done all of it.
(00:47):
And like I'm just I'm a completist. You know, I
want a sixty two hour movie that hits all the
stories in the Bible, like Methuselah, Like where's his story? Well,
evidently the w B is letting Sean can have it,
so we'll see what happens. It's gonna be pretty fun.
Everybody's gonna be hot, So no. Next up, James Heeney
(01:11):
Heeny did you ever have a song as a ring tone?
And if so, which one? I think the first song
I had as a ring tone, and I've had many
was the Muppet song and at the time it was
with an engage like little video game phone, was before
people had smartphones, and people were like wow, I felt
(01:31):
like a million dollars. Next up, it's a little saying until,
what's the best sporting event you've ever been to? You?
I know you're a big Cowboys fan on things. That's tough.
H yeah, life. I mean, any sporting event is I
think it's amazing. I'll go to pretty much anything except
for highlight I will not do that sports. But like
(01:55):
a soccer matt, I've been to a couple of soccer matches.
Those are always fun. I like football. Besque Fall was great. Um, baseball,
I'm not a big baseball watch on TV, but I'll
go to baseball matches live. Baseball matches baseball games live
are fantastic. It's great. So yeah, I'll go to anything
that's a highlight tournament. Next week. If you want to go,
(02:15):
it's um untill you know, if you were invited by somebody,
you'd go. You're such a nice guy. You are a
nice guy. And you can't see the ball. You can't
see it. I've never even heard of all right. Next up,
it's Chris Alvarado. Chris what did you want to be
(02:36):
when you grew up? At when you were a kid,
what was your what was the thing you wanted to do?
Um When I was really little, I thought I was
going to be a race car driver. And then when
I was a senior in high school and we were
like filling out like graduation stuff or like senior quote stuff,
I wrote film editor, which is so weird that I
(02:56):
did that. Film manager. I mean, that's a cool thing.
Dol went to film school forever ago. That was before
digital everything. I learned to edit on a flatbed, like
cutting sixteen millimat or film and patch it together. That
doesn't happen anymore. But does that skill, actually the things
you learned, does that carry into regular editing. I guess
(03:18):
it would, But like the actual process of it is
very different because that was time consuming as hell. And
then you're like you're cranking the thing to watch it back,
so like it won't necessarily be at the speed you
think it is when you're doing that, and then you
when you actually watch it back and like, oh whoa,
this is way slower than I thought it was. It
was the process that skill. One cool project was our
(03:40):
instructor gave us all these these was it three quarter
inch tapes? I don't know that. I don't know there
are bigger tapes than normal, than vhs whatever. Um, And
it was all this different footage of the same bank robbery,
and for for um, like a test, we all had
edit together our version of what that robbery looks like.
I love doing that, like the close up the hand
(04:00):
grabbing the bag, or that you know, the car driving
away at the exhaust or you know what I mean.
Like it was fun to place like, Oh, I want
to use this shot, this shot, this shot, this shot?
Is this when you were in the police Academy or
love those movies? Yeah, I gotta get rebooted soon, right,
I feel like it's time. Um. Hey, next up, last,
(04:24):
for the last least, it's Joey Greer. Joey, I hear
Hallmark has hired you to write a new jingle for
one of those holiday cards you open in something place.
Can you give us a taste of it? Yeah, it's
actually for funeral cards. And uh, we've been working like
a lot with um, with Hallmark and with with people,
(04:44):
and so so far we have I can give you
a little taste. This is uh the NBA stuff is
over there, but the stuff that didn't really make it.
So here's one version I can cueue it up. Let
me just get there really good, okay, and here we go.
So you're dead show, You're dead. I guess you won't
wake up anymore. And we had to scrap that one
(05:06):
because it was you're dead and it wasn't about yeah exactly.
So they're they're dead. You can't say, I can't say,
I can't say what we chose, but uh, there se
non district attorney. H Let's do a show, shall we.
(05:29):
All of our scene suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails,
or from our Patreon v I p s. To become
a Patreon supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content
and other perks, just head on over to Patreon dot
com slash alchemy this. If you'd like to submit a
scene suggestion the email, please write to the podcast at
our not really that new anymore email address, Alchemy this
(05:50):
email at gmail dot com. That's Alchemy. Scene one is
from our newest Patreon Alcmaniac Allison. Hey, Kevin, just in
case you missed my message. When I upgraded to Alco
Maniac level, I had promised myself that I would wait
(06:11):
for this scene suggestion until I get there. Financially, every
episode just makes me love you all more. Thank you,
thank you, thank you. I was listening to an episode
late at night a while back, and that night I
had a dream that I'd like to see in real life.
There's a podcast run out of a hidden basement that
proves that improv comedy is literally saving the world. Also,
(06:31):
at least in my dream, the podcasters were my sister
in law's from Staten Island, a lovely Jewish couple who
loves their doctor son. Not kidding, that was my dream.
I'm sorry, and thank you, Alison and Philly. Okay, close
the door, close the door. Great, are we all here?
(06:53):
Let's take some attendance. Well, I'm here, I'm here, okay,
but we could just do a numbers thing. It's not
that many of us. Just one to three, four, five, six.
I think that's all of us. Okay, Yeah, you're right, Okay,
all six are here. Okay, but oh you don't want
I don't want it. I don't want it. Through go
ahead and do the whole attendance thing. No, it's okay,
(07:16):
you're right, you're right. O. No, no, no, I think
I should have yeseen bread. Bernie, Bernie, did you bring
the bread? You're talking about everyone's attendance? Did you bring
the bread? Mm hmm, well okay, okay, well pushed. I
didn't bring bread. I didn't bring bread. I didn't bring breath.
(07:39):
But you don't what the bread's not? Really nobody really likes.
Don't tell him I didn't bring the breadth So most
people just want to stop the bread sits on top
of it. That's what the cat to why we're all here,
to why we all meet at two thirty in the
morning every morning to discuss how to make this world
a better place? Now we all know the secret, we
(08:05):
all know the lessons we've all learned. And if you will,
I can. I don't want. I mean, I know that
we're supposed to be yes same thing. But I thought
we were saving the world, not just making it a
better place. We were deeming it from a pretty much damnation.
Well we are, we are. I'm sorry. I just woke up,
(08:28):
uh and uh and caught you in the middle of
a sentence. Did what did I mean? Um? Nothing much?
I did a tendance. I saw you were here, everyone here,
where's the bread we're looking for. I didn't bring bread.
Don't make a big deal a lot of it. And
I signed up and said I'd bring bread. But I
brought some bread because I knew Bernie would forget the bread,
(08:51):
because he always forgets the bread. So there's some popper nickels.
Send it around. Everybody, take a slice or two. You
can help. If it bread, it's pumper nickel. Nobody has some. Okay,
I'm gonna go do good. I'm gonna go down the list.
Here it's fresh. We did you? Did you make this?
All right? My wife made it. She's got that new
(09:12):
bread machine and she's advanced with it. She is advanced.
She's pumping out uh sour dough was first. She's got
a starter or she keeps it very hidden under locking key.
Uh cinnamon bread around the holidays. I'll bring you some
of that. Is throwing out the pumper nickel. Though, if
you all open your books, we're gonna go to the Uh.
(09:37):
Hank guy was just over at your place around two
thirty in the morning last night. I was just walking
dog and all that. I couldn't help, but notice there
was a there was a light on down by your garage.
I don't. I don't know what was going on, but
I pressed my ear to it. I heard some people.
I just want to put you onto that. I don't
know if what did you? What did you? What did you?
What did you hear? Exactly? Uh? Oh much? It was
(10:01):
sounds like like like a church service or something. It
kind of was it kind of was, Yeah, did you
do that? Spark your interest? Um? I mean a little bit.
I was wondering what's going on down there? Yeah? Let
me ask you a question. How um, how staff remission?
(10:21):
Excuse me, she's in remission? Yeah? And how's the job
for a long? Excuse me for a long? Gotcha? I
didn't get for a load. I get for long. So
it's a longer stretch. Are you are you robbing me?
(10:43):
Are you? Because you shouldn't do that in this town.
M desperate times called for desperate messors, And I just
just give me your bullet, okay. I Prop team? Oh
(11:05):
my god, you guys? Oh which one are you? You? You?
The crown goes down? Is that the improp team? You are?
You guys are the best? Oh they're next, see you
next time? Just like the shows. Too quick, I'm riding
off that high guys, I am way off that high.
(11:26):
That was amazing. I'm so proud of us. Oh my gosh.
We have to end to that guy. And I think
we killed that guy, though, like I'm not sure that
we should have judge jewry and execution. I think no,
we did kill that guy. Can I have a suggestion
of where we should bury him? A suggestion of where
we can hide this body? It's currently the cabinet. What
(11:50):
should do the lake? That's a that's again suggests. It's
kind of you know, it's pretty predictable suggestions. Maybe we
should go to a lake that's not nearby, like like
a lake this far away. Hey everyone, everyone, um, I
want to introduce you to somebody, somebody. Good time to
(12:10):
introduce somebody who's been denying a lot, somebody who yes
butts all the time, somebody who needs our help, and frankly,
somebody who's willing to help. This is my neighbor. Everybody,
come on, any buddy, Hey, here my closet for a
long time. On the cloth, please put the hoodian, thank you? Okay,
(12:32):
grab a candle, I't let that candle? Is that? Okay? On?
Then he's sleeping, he'll wake up and look Okay, welcome, welcome.
We are the committee. We are at the Committee, and
we are doing our best to make this world a
better place by saving the world. I'm sorry, Hank, I
(12:53):
just woke up and there's seven people in the room
and that everybody's holding a candle whatever that miss um. Well,
we have a new member and we're just going to
uh you know, let him know. Yeah, yeah, I have
a question before we initiate UM. Will this new member
(13:14):
decrease my UM world saving time that I usually get? Now?
Can you put that in a in a statement? Maybe
add some information. I feel like this new member will
take time away from my world saving time, which I
really enjoy. Okay, neighbor, will you respond to that? Please?
(13:36):
Is that me? Or who are you? Okay? I do
have a name, so, uh well, I don't I thought
this was kind of like a mass situation. I didn't ill.
I hope to not interfere in your time to save
I guess I hope we all have the same amount
of help. I'm down in this well hell, what is
(14:00):
going on? Broke it down there and he's not grabbing
the improt we have to go nine one. He's denying
my rope I'm not calling Put that phone down. Put
that phone down, neighbor, I gotta call nine on the phone.
Give me that fucking phone. You can save the world.
My leg is badly broken. What going on? We gotta
(14:28):
help that kid down. You can help him by supporting him.
Are you guys doing a skit? I'm strapped happening. We're
gonna help you, all right, a little by, We're gonna
help you. People just don't want to be saved. He
doesn't want a yes hand of its rope. Okay, everybody,
we we failed tonight. That young man died and I
(14:56):
don't know where. You don't want to call the cops,
all right, and you don't want to call the ambulance
that's on your hand. That's the reason, Hank. I just
woke up. So I'm not sure if you've covered this already,
but we've been banking a lot of episodes. Are we
gonna put out this podcast at any point? That's we've
been recording for a year and just banking. That's not
(15:17):
a concern of yours, Okay, to put it out when
it's tend to be put out. It kind of is.
Because I just brought it up as a concern. But
the hell man, we got a kid who died at somewhere,
and while I missed that, that must have happen while
I was sleeping. We got a decomposing body, and you
all kept saying the guy sleeping clearly not clearly not
(15:38):
we were talking about him sleeping. He was sleeping. The
dead body we we really didn't even want to mention
to you. Yeah, the dead body just is is a
guy that we furlonged. I'm sorry, can we edit this
neighbor of years? I don't think he's working out on
the group. You know, it's group chemistry. And I have
(16:00):
a name, I don't know. We didn't give you a name.
So that's the first rule of improv. So you can't
name yourself. Buddy at it? You you mean kill him, right? Bet?
Look look, I'll just get out of here. You're not
gonna get You're not gonna get out of here. No,
I promise I won't say anything, Okay, I promise, Dale
(16:21):
bread how and see that was a good, good work, everybody,
good work. And that's our first site. I'm sorry. C
(16:48):
too comes from listener Joe Lutovsky. Hero Hi Kevin a
ballpark hot dog salesman who can't turn off. Thanks Joey.
Oh my god, let's go. Come on, guys, come on,
it's crazy, dude. We gotta we gotta win this, man,
if we gotta win this, oh my gosh. Every time
(17:11):
this time of the season, they's always like they'll they'll
just like ship the bed. Yeah, yeah, I don't get it.
It's just like, go, man, let's go. Oh my god,
I'm so far away, so far away from the state,
and the one day im when I get it. Take
what's that dog? That dog? So you guys got start
(17:35):
far away. You're probably hungry for some hot dogs. Yeah, yeah,
I mean you know what, man, you're actually bringing you
you're bringing concessions outside the stadium. It took a while
to get out to you guys. I mean, you wouldn't
be out here just to listen to the ball game, right,
What do you want a hot dog? Can get dog
(17:57):
with peppers. I gotta have to go inside and go
get my hot dog cart. But I can't bring that outside.
So tell me what you need now, and I'll go
get it and bring it out here in the stadium.
And I'm not about to bring it out, but I
have in my hot I know that there's people out
here that deserve to get hot dogs as much as
any of those assholes. That's nice to you. You don't
(18:20):
have to do that, just like listen, I have to
do this. Okay. I'm part of an improp team that
saves the world. Okay. Wow, So you work at the stadium,
that's nice, delicious. I work at the stadium, but I
(18:40):
feel like it's it's not just a job at the stadium.
When I donned that outfit, I became a hot dog
salesman and a lot of people appetizers, appetizers. Who needs
an appetizer? I love this place. Appatiz is over here
many I well, I guess one for each of us.
(19:01):
That's two appetizes, alright, tossing them down you go anyway.
But right now, you're not a hot dog salesman. You're
just Jerry right. No, you don't get it. I'm always
a hot dog salesman. Well, you can't sell a hot
dog here at this restaurant. Oh you want to see
(19:23):
watch this? Hey hey, hey, hey, hey, hey dog dog
catch you if I got my stead I got Rowish
hot dog, bacon rifts hot dog. You have all that
on you. I mean i'd have to go out to
the cob but yeah, I got it, hot dog. No,
(19:44):
I'm eating dinner here, alright, all right, all right, honey,
I'm sorry. This is our big night, Okay, Jerry, Jerry
stop stop. Okay, Well, then don't call me out at it,
because I will follow through. I I am always. I'm
done with this. I'm done with the state. I don't
want to never see you again. Bye bye. Oh my god.
(20:07):
Did you guys see there's a national hot dog shortage.
Just they say that we're gonna be out of hot
dogs and like within a week, I mean, no more
hot dogs. It's like we overfish the ocean, the stripper disappearing,
and now the hot dogs too. What do you mean
it's to know? More tubes? We we can make more tubes.
It suck. I just read in the newsletter Weener we
(20:30):
Weener Weekly, and that's what it says. The big headline.
I was just gonna destroy our whole business. I mean
what I'm a hot dogs has been throwing through. I mean,
I guess I could start selling I don't know ham hamburgers.
I don't even know what the fuck. I don't even
know what the sell what's in between buns? Oh God,
(20:51):
we all just need to take a deep breath and
just think about the changing landscape and well we can
turn to in this time. Alright, everybody here ween or weekly? Uh,
you've probably read the news because while you wrote the news, Um,
things aren't looking good for us, Things aren't looking good
for our industry. And I just want to be the
first to say I loved working with you. I loved
(21:14):
the camaraderie, the friendships. Are you for longing us? Don't?
Don't do it? Don't this is my life? Like you're
writing like I'm doing it? And are they paying you what?
I'm Yeah, I'm getting a little a little cushion, so
I don't fall a little cushion. Look, am I the
(21:37):
only one who sees an easy pivot with our name
here ween a weekly? Come on, easy pivot. I know
it's not for suitable for families or whatever. Weener monthly,
it's not, it's not the it's not when it comes
out or how often. That's not the pivot. Will do
(22:00):
it weekly? Okay, what whatever? Weekly? I think he I
think he doesn't want to come out and say it.
I think he's saying that we should write about dicks.
We won't have to change the masthead. You know, this
font I think looks great either way. I think it
(22:24):
rights itself. Right, we all we all know about hold on,
hey dad, you're Weener Weekly came in? Oh yeah, all right?
Let me shoot the hell? Is this? What the what
kind of centerfold? This? Where they never had a centerfold before?
(22:46):
Did they? Rotten? Worst monk? What the fuck is it?
What the he JESUSBT? I know you you always say
that you'd like to read your Weener Weekly cover to
cover like you get you go to the toilet and
sit down for like two hours and read it. Now, look,
we understand that you used to be a hot dog
salesman at the stadium. Now, as you know, we've made
a pivot here. We want to know can you sell
(23:08):
subscriptions to Win or Winkly we Weekly. Well, let me
take a look at the There you go, that's last
week's issue at that centerfold? Huh? You know what I mean?
Quite that brot worst? So what do you think? I ah, well,
(23:32):
may you expect me? Oh man, the game's going going
going all right. I barely can see anything. Yeah, you
gotta understand that you can hear pretty good too, though,
be kind of good. We'll take to two. Al right,
(23:53):
okay these are This one's for you and this one's
for you. Make sure to check out the centerfold tend
that is each that I'll take one dollar bill. Well
all right, hey, wait a second. This is not a
normal Wiener Weekly. This is much better. Look at this.
(24:15):
So many images to compare here. Surprised how many people
have a different reaction. Everybody gathered around, uh have some
terrible news ween or weekly is It's huge. It's taken
off so much that we're gonna have to shut her dicks. Ahoy,
(24:36):
I'm sorry. We can pivot. Yeah, we've I don't think
that's what That's not what I'm saying. We've been a
magazine focuses focusing on penises for years. But when I
just write about guys named Dick, there we go that.
(24:57):
I mean, there's Van Dyke, there's Richard Hawkins. We don't
want to shorten any Richard names, just guys who were
actually go by dick. Pure dicks. You want pure dicks,
I can get you pure dicks. I can get you
pure dicks. Where is he going? Excuse me? Right, you
(25:26):
can't go in there. You can't win. You're not an appointment.
Listen to General Assembly of the U. N I need
anybody whose name is Dick god Man. So fun to
be at the UN a little further back that we
want to be, but like it's a decent seats. I mean,
I think most of the people are the are the
actual ambassadors. Yeah, I could argue that that everyone's an ambassador,
(25:50):
you know what I mean? Dick, Dad, your new dicks
always here? Alright, Great, it's mine, damn it, it's mine.
You're so either one. Obviously obviously give me ticks away. Uh,
(26:11):
this is this isn't this is this must be your copy?
This isn't my copy? Is it a whole bunch of
people named Dick? Yeah, that's not what That's what I ordered.
You don't always surprises me that none of them are
dressed like pirates. Not one of them. I'm always thinking that,
like one of them is going to be dressed like
a pirate. Somebody's dressed like a pirate. There. I'm gonna
(26:37):
be in my room with this copy of Wiener's Weekly.
Don't disturb me. Look, none of them are part Alright, guys,
some bad news here at Dick's are us. Um, we're
getting totally beat out and I'm gonna have to for
along a lot of you. Wait, wait, wait, I have
(26:59):
an idea. It's a little it's a little out of
the box, but hear me out. It's not more improv classes,
is it. Um, I've got to connect at a cattle
farm and a pig farm, a farm with animals. What
if we started making hot dogs? So you know there
(27:23):
was a shortage, right, I gotta connect a Colombian farm,
a Colombian I think the shortage is because of the tubes, right,
didn't have enough meat? Oh yeah, I mean you fill
it with lips and assholes. That is what so you
can never turn it off. Huh. I mean that's what talks. Guys.
(27:50):
We're having to shut our lips and assholes. Nobody's what. Yeah,
I don't know. I don't know how we managed it
seven issues out because we work our asses off. Lips off, guys,
We're gonna have to shut down tubes. Okay, there's plenty
of meat, but the tubes they're gone. We got no
more to there's nothing that we have. There's no more
(28:11):
business here. Tubes is done. Unless anybody can pivot using
the word tube. Man, what a week. First my favorite magazine,
Lips and Assholes shuts down, And now now I don't
have a job anymore. Unless anybody has a good idea,
because we gotta use the same letter heading font we
change the word from tubes or you want to keep
(28:32):
the word tubes. We've got to keep the word so
we can't. Boobs is out if we spelled it bu
b es. Yeah, boobs is out. Tubes tubes anybody else?
Um we make instead of tubes, we make um uh,
we make up what if we made hoses? I mean,
(28:56):
the think about it wasn't It was only just up
plus up close photos of lips and assholes, alternating page
by page. But sometimes you get a little confused. Is
that a lip or an asshole? Oh? I gotta, I gotta,
I gotta. It's so we it's the tubes we sell
um hats huh we we we may hats. Occasionally they'd
(29:18):
have an interview in there, but you put your tube away.
Wait wait, I got it. I got an idea. No,
I got an idea. I just referred to his we
see at the same time. Okay, one to three, and
that's our second scene our final scene. Today's scene three
(29:49):
is from listener Mike Miller, who wrote, Hi, Kevin and
Alchemists request, please ask Mr Doug Babe to turn down
the goddamn saxophone. Seen suggestion. Pro wrestler gets a job
at a call center. Thanks Mike from Toronto. Pretty simple,
(30:12):
pretty standard. Alright, the switchboard is gonna light up, all right,
it's gonna tell you exactly which call it is because
we already have someone before this who's gonna operate and
you know, plug the phone call in too here and
then we are don't want to worry about me. Brother.
Once I've answered the phone, the phone's gonna be answered,
and then the problem is gonna be solved, definitely. I well, uh,
(30:34):
we can just turn down that volume a little bit.
We are primarily working with the with elderly, so that
that kind of volume shocked them. It's nothing but a
number for me. I'll take age and not break it,
and I take it in half and then I eat it.
So don't worry about me. It's not a problem. I'm
not worried about you, and I am worried about our customers.
So that's just something I you. But so as you'll
(30:56):
see here on the switchboard here, so definitely, so this
call we're here, will just transfer you up to my call.
We'll just transfer. Okay, do you wanna show you? Okay?
All right, thanks for calling Dyson Vacuums. How can we
hip I have a problem with my vacuum. That's impossible
because I take your problem. I take it twice, I
(31:17):
take it right, I throw it up in the air,
and then I land on it. It's done. Your problems
gone quick? How does that go? Bus? I honestly, I
can't blame you for that. That person obviously was having
some emotional issues. I don't know why that figgered out
that way, but it did. Uh. Look, I'm happy you
(31:41):
had a job, but that means you now need to
start paying child's apart. Okay, take childspot. Here's your child's
aboard No one, uh two? Up? Three uh four five?
Having three hundred ninety four, I've been in my six
(32:02):
two twenty. There you go. Are they paying you in
one stand? Yeah? I get paid once. I love your son.
I love you too. You can't touch you unless somebody's
here watching. You know that you're here. He's here. Let's
do this. I could answer it. I could answer it,
(32:32):
but maybe you should take this one. I feel like
you need the practice. I don't practice. I come to play.
How can I help you? Hi? Um, my vacuum is
not working. I think it's swallowed some string. What do
I do now? Great? I'm gonna send you over to
my manager right now? You're on? Oh? Hi? Hello? Um.
(32:59):
I wasn't expecting this call quite yet. What's the problem.
My vacuums followed some string? And I don't know what
to do now? Uh. The good news is we have
a representative here, Blaze, that's able to handle a lot
of problems just like this. I'm gonna transfer you one
more time. Can you stay on the line for another
(33:19):
ten seconds? You got Blazes? You ablem hold on Blaze.
You're not on with them yet. I just want you
to take this one shot my load early. Just put
the call through here it comes in three two? Whoa,
this is Blaze. What's your problem? My vacuums followed some weight?
(33:44):
Did you say, Blaze? Yeah? Blaze? Is this Rick the
Blaze Dragon comach? Yeah, you got it right. Yeah. I've
seen all your matches and I thought you die. Oh
that's all acting. The fighting is real. But the digs
like this is I mean, everything everything I've learned I
(34:13):
feel as fake. I don't think transferred backs for the
call back to fix the damn back or not. I
don't know. Look, Blaze, the dying might be fake, but
the damage to your brain has been real. What are
(34:36):
you saying, duck, I'm saying there's a lot of swelling.
I'm saying it's not looking good days. How many days
do I have? Well, let me look here, and you
got one, two, three, four, five, six. Oh no, this
(34:57):
can be annoying to my wife. Dad, what are you
doing at the playground? It's not your day, son, I
just came to spend some time with you. Maybe we
can go take your shirt off, jumping the ring and
throw out and throw around a little bit. Well, yeah,
I mean that's all that's ever I've ever wanted. All right,
(35:21):
leave your leave, friends. Hi, I'm here to get my son.
He's he's in a wrestling match right now. Excuse me,
he's in a wrestling match. Look. I run the park here, okay,
and I keep taking I know you doing that. That's
why I asked you. You're the hot young man who
runs the park. You're supposed to watch after our chucking
when we're not here. Now, if you're telling me he's
(35:42):
in a wrestling match, that probably means he's with his father.
And he's with his father, he's breaking court orders. Do
you understand that? Yeah? I know, I know everyone's backstory. Alright,
I I run the park. Okay, okay. Where's the wrestling
match happening? I'm not supposed to say, but it's in
that building right there. Tag me out, Dad, tag me out.
(36:02):
Count to three and I'll tag you out. One to stop?
Dot it, dote it. What are you doing? What are
you getting the ring here? What are you doing? Oh?
That's a go to Stephanie Good. That's the hardest you've
(36:23):
ever kissed me. Are you guys gonna get back together?
I don't know? Are we? Yes? Until until it's game
over from me? Why are you dropping to a knee? Stephanie?
I want you to be my wife again. I don't
(36:44):
have a ring, but I got this all over. Yeah.
My son's real good. He's our son, Blaze. Thank you
for granting us this exclusive interview. I no, you don't
have a lot of time left. But Leaner Weekly readers
(37:04):
want to know how's it hanging. It's going good. It's
going good as much as I can say. Okay, interviews over,
interviews over, get out, Get hi sweetheart. Now there's a
(37:25):
lot of fire and images of flames around here. Did
you get inspired when your dad said he's not my son,
he's our son and you're turning that to a wrestler
persona and Arson? Is that what's happening here? Well, I
guess the gig's up. Mom. Yeah, that's exactly what's happening.
You're not getting into wrestling, that's already into it. What
(37:48):
do you mean? I mean, now the dad's gone, I
need to follow in his footsteps. I mean, what a
storyline blaze his son Arson? It's pretty good. Fight fire
with fire. Damn, that's good. I'm saying that would be
my my catchphrase. Alright, kid, this is your first match.
(38:09):
You're ready Aerson, I gotta worn you. This is to
be a tough competition. You're playing Mikey the fire hose Fernandez,
So it's oh, sorry, I gotta take this. Hello. Hi, Um,
I got hair stuck in the in the vacuum planer. Okay,
(38:33):
so the you know, a dison is pretty intuitive, So
all you need to do is pop out the trap
valve and that that hair is gonna come right out.
You know, when James Dyson designed the vacuum, it was
meant to be uh kind of intuitive. Thanks, it works.
Have a good day. Okay, okay, sorry what we're saying,
I'm fighting the fire hose. You're fighting the fire hose.
(38:53):
It's a bad draw for you are since it's a
bad draw, that is not a good draw. I got
one thing I do, which is fires. He's got one
thing he does, which is put out fires. Right. I
have a feeling this is going to end in the draw,
but we're gonna go ahead and see how it goes.
I mean, just you have personality like you did. You
can see the wrestling match quite sure. Well it's going yeah,
(39:16):
I know. I'm also like sometimes I get confused better
but you know, I'll tell you this. I'll tell you
this alright. Regardless of seats, it's just fun to be
in the mix. If food dogs, you guys want some
tofu dogs? Yeah? Sure? Wait a second, Holy Ship, you
(39:37):
were the guy that came on my roof and we
were watching the Mets game. Yeah right, Jerry, what was it? Jerry? Right?
You remember the name wishing you went on a date
with someone at that appetizer Applebee's right, remember my love?
(39:59):
And then you right because of the tube shortage? Yeah, yeah, man,
how are you well? I just I just had this
kind of memory. How are you? Man? And then he
sold us weener weeklies. Yeah, there's no way that's you too.
(40:20):
That's are you pomp my echo? Brad fresh pomping echo?
Brad my neck? My wife want necks? Pass him down,
him down. Also, there's a team arsons, got fire hose
(40:41):
and the headlock. Things are looking good for ours. Fire
hoses wiggling out. Hey man, I do me a favorite man?
Can you shut the funk up when I'm watching? Can
you shut the funk up when I'm watching? My son
has bad vision, okay, and he needs to hear me
say it. I didn't know that ever since. And the
(41:02):
fire you want to join me? I'm not really a speaker,
so it helps. I had enjoy hearing both of the voices.
What okay, look, Hank. I know I just woke up
and I missed most of that episode, but for the
little bit that I heard, I think it's the best
stuff that we've put out yet. Why don't we release
(41:25):
that podcast. I mean, all the dick weener puns like
that was good. Um, the you know, the the way
it came back around with the wrestlers. I mean, this
should be our first release. Where's my jacket? Is it
under this fucking bread? Why is there so much bread? Look,
(41:46):
it's two thirty A yeah. Wait, it's the only way
they have energies to have carbs. All right, listen, I'm
convinced starting tonight we're gonna launch the improvised podcast Everybody.
We're gonna save the world. World, It's gonna save the world.
We said that at the same time. That was like
a mind meld moment. It was not exactly at the
(42:08):
same time, but but neither of us was waiting for
the other to start saying it was. It was inspired
by nature's course, I feel as a team and saving
the world. Where just warming up? Bunny Bunny, Bunny Bunny
Funny can get out of here, Parson Arson Wrestling World Wrestling,
(42:32):
World Wrestling World, Arson over here Wrestling, World Wrestling World,
Worst Wrestling, World Wrestling World. Yes, sir, Yes, sir. How
does it feel to to win your first match? I mean,
I don't know how it beat fire Hose that that
was inspiring, but I guess it mostly U made me
thinking about my dad and how how shorter time he
(42:56):
had on this earth. Blaze Blaze Blaze Save. I'm watching
I'm always and that's our show. Oh blaze ah boy,
let's thank you to our alchemist. See what they're up to.
(43:16):
Chris Alvarado, thanks so much. Cool, it's so nice to
have you here. Um, you know, I gotta say doing
scenes about improv is a tricky, tricky situation and it's
the one that I have mastered necessarily, but happy to
give it a shot. Nothing nothing else is going on
at Chriss Alvarado. Check out my improv podcast, The Comedy Fix,
where we discuss, you know, different types of rules and
(43:39):
techniques and all that type of stuff that's at the
Comedy Fix. That's it, I think nice. James Haney, well,
well hello everyone, thank you for being here today. It's
been a pleasure. Uh, if you have the opportunity, check
out game Front on YouTube. We're doing a lot of
videos and uh, i'd love you to check it out night.
(44:01):
Thanks for having me. It's always a pleasure. Cole, you're
gentleman and a host and uh, yeah, you can find
me at the Comedy Fix. Gregoski always great to talk
about Wieners. Uh. Winners, of course come from Vienna, which
(44:22):
is why they're called that. You know, Vienna, the Austria
they call it. Vien is the local name. So so
a sausage from Vienna is a is a Wiener or
a veener. Uh. And I think that's why people get
the mistaken impression that veener schnitzel has something to do
with hot dogs or sausage when it's a bread and
veal Cutlet. Oh, what's happen Joey Greer? Thank you cool?
(44:50):
We all love you. We all just want to We
could all get a piece of your skin. Would just
be even happier. I do want to say, I have
been watching Midnight Mass on Netflix're gonna buy Mike Flanne,
you the guy who did Haunted the Hill House. Haunting
a Hill House. It's so good, It's scary, spooky. Sp
October's upon us. It's here and I know we're still
in September. I don't give a ship, but check it out.
(45:11):
Get spooked up. I don't think I can. I don't
think I can do it because of the animal stuff
that's in it. So but they've none No really, animals
got hurt, you know, right right, It's all fun, make
believe no spoiler. I'm at Cole Stratton or at Stratton Cold,
(45:33):
depending on the social thing. Go to s sketch Fest
dot com. We're coming back in January, that is what's happening.
So line up will be out in a couple of months. Also,
if you are watching Impeachment American Crime Story, episode one
features not only Mr Kevin Pollock, host of this podcast,
but also the subhost of this podcast, me Col Stratton,
(45:54):
as a real dick out of a reporter. So if
you ever watched yet you want to stream it, look
for us both in that Uh there it is. Let's
uh thanks to our engineering producer Doug Baine and the
fine folks at I Heart Media dot com. Please write
to us at Alchemy this email at gmail dot com.
(46:15):
That's Alchemy this email at dot com. Until next time,
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This sign your
guest host Cold Strattony and May running the asylum for
a little while. KP is out. Let's meet everybody today's
shall we? First up? Craig Takowski. Craig, what book would
you love to see them make a movie? Yes? Um?
(00:24):
Has the Bible been done animated? Um? But just every
every story yet? Like I know they've covered like some
of the major ones, like like Noah. Straight Channel had
like an amazing the Bible. I still feel like anybody
who's adapted to the Bible just hasn't done all of it.
(00:47):
And like I'm just I'm a completist. You know, I
want a sixty two hour movie that hits all the
stories in the Bible, like Methuselah, Like where's his story? Well,
evidently the w B is letting Sean can have it,
so we'll see what happens. It's gonna be pretty fun.
Everybody's gonna be hot, So no. Next up, James Heeney
(01:11):
Heeny did you ever have a song as a ring tone?
And if so, which one? I think the first song
I had as a ring tone, and I've had many
was the Muppet song and at the time it was
with an engage like little video game phone, was before
people had smartphones, and people were like wow, I felt
(01:31):
like a million dollars. Next up, it's a little saying until,
what's the best sporting event you've ever been to? You?
I know you're a big Cowboys fan on things. That's tough.
H yeah, life. I mean, any sporting event is I
think it's amazing. I'll go to pretty much anything except
for highlight I will not do that sports. But like
(01:55):
a soccer matt, I've been to a couple of soccer matches.
Those are always fun. I like football. Besque Fall was great. Um, baseball,
I'm not a big baseball watch on TV, but I'll
go to baseball matches live. Baseball matches baseball games live
are fantastic. It's great. So yeah, I'll go to anything
that's a highlight tournament. Next week. If you want to go,
(02:15):
it's um untill you know, if you were invited by somebody,
you'd go. You're such a nice guy. You are a
nice guy. And you can't see the ball. You can't
see it. I've never even heard of all right. Next up,
it's Chris Alvarado. Chris what did you want to be
(02:36):
when you grew up? At when you were a kid,
what was your what was the thing you wanted to do?
Um When I was really little, I thought I was
going to be a race car driver. And then when
I was a senior in high school and we were
like filling out like graduation stuff or like senior quote stuff,
I wrote film editor, which is so weird that I
(02:56):
did that. Film manager. I mean, that's a cool thing.
Dol went to film school forever ago. That was before
digital everything. I learned to edit on a flatbed, like
cutting sixteen millimat or film and patch it together. That
doesn't happen anymore. But does that skill, actually the things
you learned, does that carry into regular editing. I guess
(03:18):
it would, But like the actual process of it is
very different because that was time consuming as hell. And
then you're like you're cranking the thing to watch it back,
so like it won't necessarily be at the speed you
think it is when you're doing that, and then you
when you actually watch it back and like, oh whoa,
this is way slower than I thought it was. It
was the process that skill. One cool project was our
(03:40):
instructor gave us all these these was it three quarter
inch tapes? I don't know that. I don't know there
are bigger tapes than normal, than vhs whatever. Um, And
it was all this different footage of the same bank robbery,
and for for um, like a test, we all had
edit together our version of what that robbery looks like.
I love doing that, like the close up the hand
(04:00):
grabbing the bag, or that you know, the car driving
away at the exhaust or you know what I mean.
Like it was fun to place like, Oh, I want
to use this shot, this shot, this shot, this shot?
Is this when you were in the police Academy or
love those movies? Yeah, I gotta get rebooted soon, right,
I feel like it's time. Um. Hey, next up, last,
(04:24):
for the last least, it's Joey Greer. Joey, I hear
Hallmark has hired you to write a new jingle for
one of those holiday cards you open in something place.
Can you give us a taste of it? Yeah, it's
actually for funeral cards. And uh, we've been working like
a lot with um, with Hallmark and with with people,
(04:44):
and so so far we have I can give you
a little taste. This is uh the NBA stuff is
over there, but the stuff that didn't really make it.
So here's one version I can cueue it up. Let
me just get there really good, okay, and here we go.
So you're dead show, You're dead. I guess you won't
wake up anymore. And we had to scrap that one
(05:06):
because it was you're dead and it wasn't about yeah exactly.
So they're they're dead. You can't say, I can't say,
I can't say what we chose, but uh, there se
non district attorney. H Let's do a show, shall we.
(05:29):
All of our scene suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails,
or from our Patreon v I p s. To become
a Patreon supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content
and other perks, just head on over to Patreon dot
com slash alchemy this. If you'd like to submit a
scene suggestion the email, please write to the podcast at
our not really that new anymore email address, Alchemy this
(05:50):
email at gmail dot com. That's Alchemy. Scene one is
from our newest Patreon Alcmaniac Allison. Hey, Kevin, just in
case you missed my message. When I upgraded to Alco
Maniac level, I had promised myself that I would wait
(06:11):
for this scene suggestion until I get there. Financially, every
episode just makes me love you all more. Thank you,
thank you, thank you. I was listening to an episode
late at night a while back, and that night I
had a dream that I'd like to see in real life.
There's a podcast run out of a hidden basement that
proves that improv comedy is literally saving the world. Also,
(06:31):
at least in my dream, the podcasters were my sister
in law's from Staten Island, a lovely Jewish couple who
loves their doctor son. Not kidding, that was my dream.
I'm sorry, and thank you, Alison and Philly. Okay, close
the door, close the door. Great, are we all here?
(06:53):
Let's take some attendance. Well, I'm here, I'm here, okay,
but we could just do a numbers thing. It's not
that many of us. Just one to three, four, five, six.
I think that's all of us. Okay, Yeah, you're right, Okay,
all six are here. Okay, but oh you don't want
I don't want it. I don't want it. Through go
ahead and do the whole attendance thing. No, it's okay,
(07:16):
you're right, you're right. O. No, no, no, I think
I should have yeseen bread. Bernie, Bernie, did you bring
the bread? You're talking about everyone's attendance? Did you bring
the bread? Mm hmm, well okay, okay, well pushed. I
didn't bring bread. I didn't bring bread. I didn't bring breath.
(07:39):
But you don't what the bread's not? Really nobody really likes.
Don't tell him I didn't bring the breadth So most
people just want to stop the bread sits on top
of it. That's what the cat to why we're all here,
to why we all meet at two thirty in the
morning every morning to discuss how to make this world
a better place? Now we all know the secret, we
(08:05):
all know the lessons we've all learned. And if you will,
I can. I don't want. I mean, I know that
we're supposed to be yes same thing. But I thought
we were saving the world, not just making it a
better place. We were deeming it from a pretty much damnation.
Well we are, we are. I'm sorry. I just woke up,
(08:28):
uh and uh and caught you in the middle of
a sentence. Did what did I mean? Um? Nothing much?
I did a tendance. I saw you were here, everyone here,
where's the bread we're looking for. I didn't bring bread.
Don't make a big deal a lot of it. And
I signed up and said I'd bring bread. But I
brought some bread because I knew Bernie would forget the bread,
(08:51):
because he always forgets the bread. So there's some popper nickels.
Send it around. Everybody, take a slice or two. You
can help. If it bread, it's pumper nickel. Nobody has some. Okay,
I'm gonna go do good. I'm gonna go down the list.
Here it's fresh. We did you? Did you make this?
All right? My wife made it. She's got that new
(09:12):
bread machine and she's advanced with it. She is advanced.
She's pumping out uh sour dough was first. She's got
a starter or she keeps it very hidden under locking key.
Uh cinnamon bread around the holidays. I'll bring you some
of that. Is throwing out the pumper nickel. Though, if
you all open your books, we're gonna go to the Uh.
(09:37):
Hank guy was just over at your place around two
thirty in the morning last night. I was just walking
dog and all that. I couldn't help, but notice there
was a there was a light on down by your garage.
I don't. I don't know what was going on, but
I pressed my ear to it. I heard some people.
I just want to put you onto that. I don't
know if what did you? What did you? What did you?
What did you hear? Exactly? Uh? Oh much? It was
(10:01):
sounds like like like a church service or something. It
kind of was it kind of was, Yeah, did you
do that? Spark your interest? Um? I mean a little bit.
I was wondering what's going on down there? Yeah? Let
me ask you a question. How um, how staff remission?
(10:21):
Excuse me, she's in remission? Yeah? And how's the job
for a long? Excuse me for a long? Gotcha? I
didn't get for a load. I get for long. So
it's a longer stretch. Are you are you robbing me?
(10:43):
Are you? Because you shouldn't do that in this town.
M desperate times called for desperate messors, And I just
just give me your bullet, okay. I Prop team? Oh
(11:05):
my god, you guys? Oh which one are you? You? You?
The crown goes down? Is that the improp team? You are?
You guys are the best? Oh they're next, see you
next time? Just like the shows. Too quick, I'm riding
off that high guys, I am way off that high.
(11:26):
That was amazing. I'm so proud of us. Oh my gosh.
We have to end to that guy. And I think
we killed that guy, though, like I'm not sure that
we should have judge jewry and execution. I think no,
we did kill that guy. Can I have a suggestion
of where we should bury him? A suggestion of where
we can hide this body? It's currently the cabinet. What
(11:50):
should do the lake? That's a that's again suggests. It's
kind of you know, it's pretty predictable suggestions. Maybe we
should go to a lake that's not nearby, like like
a lake this far away. Hey everyone, everyone, um, I
want to introduce you to somebody, somebody. Good time to
(12:10):
introduce somebody who's been denying a lot, somebody who yes
butts all the time, somebody who needs our help, and frankly,
somebody who's willing to help. This is my neighbor. Everybody,
come on, any buddy, Hey, here my closet for a
long time. On the cloth, please put the hoodian, thank you? Okay,
(12:32):
grab a candle, I't let that candle? Is that? Okay? On?
Then he's sleeping, he'll wake up and look Okay, welcome, welcome.
We are the committee. We are at the Committee, and
we are doing our best to make this world a
better place by saving the world. I'm sorry, Hank, I
(12:53):
just woke up and there's seven people in the room
and that everybody's holding a candle whatever that miss um. Well,
we have a new member and we're just going to
uh you know, let him know. Yeah, yeah, I have
a question before we initiate UM. Will this new member
(13:14):
decrease my UM world saving time that I usually get? Now?
Can you put that in a in a statement? Maybe
add some information. I feel like this new member will
take time away from my world saving time, which I
really enjoy. Okay, neighbor, will you respond to that? Please?
(13:36):
Is that me? Or who are you? Okay? I do
have a name, so, uh well, I don't I thought
this was kind of like a mass situation. I didn't ill.
I hope to not interfere in your time to save
I guess I hope we all have the same amount
of help. I'm down in this well hell, what is
(14:00):
going on? Broke it down there and he's not grabbing
the improt we have to go nine one. He's denying
my rope I'm not calling Put that phone down. Put
that phone down, neighbor, I gotta call nine on the phone.
Give me that fucking phone. You can save the world.
My leg is badly broken. What going on? We gotta
(14:28):
help that kid down. You can help him by supporting him.
Are you guys doing a skit? I'm strapped happening. We're
gonna help you, all right, a little by, We're gonna
help you. People just don't want to be saved. He
doesn't want a yes hand of its rope. Okay, everybody,
we we failed tonight. That young man died and I
(14:56):
don't know where. You don't want to call the cops,
all right, and you don't want to call the ambulance
that's on your hand. That's the reason, Hank. I just
woke up. So I'm not sure if you've covered this already,
but we've been banking a lot of episodes. Are we
gonna put out this podcast at any point? That's we've
been recording for a year and just banking. That's not
(15:17):
a concern of yours, Okay, to put it out when
it's tend to be put out. It kind of is.
Because I just brought it up as a concern. But
the hell man, we got a kid who died at somewhere,
and while I missed that, that must have happen while
I was sleeping. We got a decomposing body, and you
all kept saying the guy sleeping clearly not clearly not
(15:38):
we were talking about him sleeping. He was sleeping. The
dead body we we really didn't even want to mention
to you. Yeah, the dead body just is is a
guy that we furlonged. I'm sorry, can we edit this
neighbor of years? I don't think he's working out on
the group. You know, it's group chemistry. And I have
(16:00):
a name, I don't know. We didn't give you a name.
So that's the first rule of improv. So you can't
name yourself. Buddy at it? You you mean kill him, right? Bet?
Look look, I'll just get out of here. You're not
gonna get You're not gonna get out of here. No,
I promise I won't say anything, Okay, I promise, Dale
(16:21):
bread how and see that was a good, good work, everybody,
good work. And that's our first site. I'm sorry. C
(16:48):
too comes from listener Joe Lutovsky. Hero Hi Kevin a
ballpark hot dog salesman who can't turn off. Thanks Joey.
Oh my god, let's go. Come on, guys, come on,
it's crazy, dude. We gotta we gotta win this, man,
if we gotta win this, oh my gosh. Every time
(17:11):
this time of the season, they's always like they'll they'll
just like ship the bed. Yeah, yeah, I don't get it.
It's just like, go, man, let's go. Oh my god,
I'm so far away, so far away from the state,
and the one day im when I get it. Take
what's that dog? That dog? So you guys got start
(17:35):
far away. You're probably hungry for some hot dogs. Yeah, yeah,
I mean you know what, man, you're actually bringing you
you're bringing concessions outside the stadium. It took a while
to get out to you guys. I mean, you wouldn't
be out here just to listen to the ball game, right,
What do you want a hot dog? Can get dog
(17:57):
with peppers. I gotta have to go inside and go
get my hot dog cart. But I can't bring that outside.
So tell me what you need now, and I'll go
get it and bring it out here in the stadium.
And I'm not about to bring it out, but I
have in my hot I know that there's people out
here that deserve to get hot dogs as much as
any of those assholes. That's nice to you. You don't
(18:20):
have to do that, just like listen, I have to
do this. Okay. I'm part of an improp team that
saves the world. Okay. Wow, So you work at the stadium,
that's nice, delicious. I work at the stadium, but I
(18:40):
feel like it's it's not just a job at the stadium.
When I donned that outfit, I became a hot dog
salesman and a lot of people appetizers, appetizers. Who needs
an appetizer? I love this place. Appatiz is over here
many I well, I guess one for each of us.
(19:01):
That's two appetizes, alright, tossing them down you go anyway.
But right now, you're not a hot dog salesman. You're
just Jerry right. No, you don't get it. I'm always
a hot dog salesman. Well, you can't sell a hot
dog here at this restaurant. Oh you want to see
(19:23):
watch this? Hey hey, hey, hey, hey, hey dog dog
catch you if I got my stead I got Rowish
hot dog, bacon rifts hot dog. You have all that
on you. I mean i'd have to go out to
the cob but yeah, I got it, hot dog. No,
(19:44):
I'm eating dinner here, alright, all right, all right, honey,
I'm sorry. This is our big night, Okay, Jerry, Jerry
stop stop. Okay, Well, then don't call me out at it,
because I will follow through. I I am always. I'm
done with this. I'm done with the state. I don't
want to never see you again. Bye bye. Oh my god.
(20:07):
Did you guys see there's a national hot dog shortage.
Just they say that we're gonna be out of hot
dogs and like within a week, I mean, no more
hot dogs. It's like we overfish the ocean, the stripper disappearing,
and now the hot dogs too. What do you mean
it's to know? More tubes? We we can make more tubes.
It suck. I just read in the newsletter Weener we
(20:30):
Weener Weekly, and that's what it says. The big headline.
I was just gonna destroy our whole business. I mean
what I'm a hot dogs has been throwing through. I mean,
I guess I could start selling I don't know ham hamburgers.
I don't even know what the fuck. I don't even
know what the sell what's in between buns? Oh God,
(20:51):
we all just need to take a deep breath and
just think about the changing landscape and well we can
turn to in this time. Alright, everybody here ween or weekly? Uh,
you've probably read the news because while you wrote the news, Um,
things aren't looking good for us, Things aren't looking good
for our industry. And I just want to be the
first to say I loved working with you. I loved
(21:14):
the camaraderie, the friendships. Are you for longing us? Don't?
Don't do it? Don't this is my life? Like you're
writing like I'm doing it? And are they paying you what?
I'm Yeah, I'm getting a little a little cushion, so
I don't fall a little cushion. Look, am I the
(21:37):
only one who sees an easy pivot with our name
here ween a weekly? Come on, easy pivot. I know
it's not for suitable for families or whatever. Weener monthly,
it's not, it's not the it's not when it comes
out or how often. That's not the pivot. Will do
(22:00):
it weekly? Okay, what whatever? Weekly? I think he I
think he doesn't want to come out and say it.
I think he's saying that we should write about dicks.
We won't have to change the masthead. You know, this
font I think looks great either way. I think it
(22:24):
rights itself. Right, we all we all know about hold on,
hey dad, you're Weener Weekly came in? Oh yeah, all right?
Let me shoot the hell? Is this? What the what
kind of centerfold? This? Where they never had a centerfold before?
(22:46):
Did they? Rotten? Worst monk? What the fuck is it?
What the he JESUSBT? I know you you always say
that you'd like to read your Weener Weekly cover to
cover like you get you go to the toilet and
sit down for like two hours and read it. Now, look,
we understand that you used to be a hot dog
salesman at the stadium. Now, as you know, we've made
a pivot here. We want to know can you sell
(23:08):
subscriptions to Win or Winkly we Weekly. Well, let me
take a look at the There you go, that's last
week's issue at that centerfold? Huh? You know what I mean?
Quite that brot worst? So what do you think? I ah, well,
(23:32):
may you expect me? Oh man, the game's going going
going all right. I barely can see anything. Yeah, you
gotta understand that you can hear pretty good too, though,
be kind of good. We'll take to two. Al right,
(23:53):
okay these are This one's for you and this one's
for you. Make sure to check out the centerfold tend
that is each that I'll take one dollar bill. Well
all right, hey, wait a second. This is not a
normal Wiener Weekly. This is much better. Look at this.
(24:15):
So many images to compare here. Surprised how many people
have a different reaction. Everybody gathered around, uh have some
terrible news ween or weekly is It's huge. It's taken
off so much that we're gonna have to shut her dicks. Ahoy,
(24:36):
I'm sorry. We can pivot. Yeah, we've I don't think
that's what That's not what I'm saying. We've been a
magazine focuses focusing on penises for years. But when I
just write about guys named Dick, there we go that.
(24:57):
I mean, there's Van Dyke, there's Richard Hawkins. We don't
want to shorten any Richard names, just guys who were
actually go by dick. Pure dicks. You want pure dicks,
I can get you pure dicks. I can get you
pure dicks. Where is he going? Excuse me? Right, you
(25:26):
can't go in there. You can't win. You're not an appointment.
Listen to General Assembly of the U. N I need
anybody whose name is Dick god Man. So fun to
be at the UN a little further back that we
want to be, but like it's a decent seats. I mean,
I think most of the people are the are the
actual ambassadors. Yeah, I could argue that that everyone's an ambassador,
(25:50):
you know what I mean? Dick, Dad, your new dicks
always here? Alright, Great, it's mine, damn it, it's mine.
You're so either one. Obviously obviously give me ticks away. Uh,
(26:11):
this is this isn't this is this must be your copy?
This isn't my copy? Is it a whole bunch of
people named Dick? Yeah, that's not what That's what I ordered.
You don't always surprises me that none of them are
dressed like pirates. Not one of them. I'm always thinking that,
like one of them is going to be dressed like
a pirate. Somebody's dressed like a pirate. There. I'm gonna
(26:37):
be in my room with this copy of Wiener's Weekly.
Don't disturb me. Look, none of them are part Alright, guys,
some bad news here at Dick's are us. Um, we're
getting totally beat out and I'm gonna have to for
along a lot of you. Wait, wait, wait, I have
(26:59):
an idea. It's a little it's a little out of
the box, but hear me out. It's not more improv classes,
is it. Um, I've got to connect at a cattle
farm and a pig farm, a farm with animals. What
if we started making hot dogs? So you know there
(27:23):
was a shortage, right, I gotta connect a Colombian farm,
a Colombian I think the shortage is because of the tubes, right,
didn't have enough meat? Oh yeah, I mean you fill
it with lips and assholes. That is what so you
can never turn it off. Huh. I mean that's what talks. Guys.
(27:50):
We're having to shut our lips and assholes. Nobody's what. Yeah,
I don't know. I don't know how we managed it
seven issues out because we work our asses off. Lips off, guys,
We're gonna have to shut down tubes. Okay, there's plenty
of meat, but the tubes they're gone. We got no
more to there's nothing that we have. There's no more
(28:11):
business here. Tubes is done. Unless anybody can pivot using
the word tube. Man, what a week. First my favorite magazine,
Lips and Assholes shuts down, And now now I don't
have a job anymore. Unless anybody has a good idea,
because we gotta use the same letter heading font we
change the word from tubes or you want to keep
(28:32):
the word tubes. We've got to keep the word so
we can't. Boobs is out if we spelled it bu
b es. Yeah, boobs is out. Tubes tubes anybody else?
Um we make instead of tubes, we make um uh,
we make up what if we made hoses? I mean,
(28:56):
the think about it wasn't It was only just up
plus up close photos of lips and assholes, alternating page
by page. But sometimes you get a little confused. Is
that a lip or an asshole? Oh? I gotta, I gotta,
I gotta. It's so we it's the tubes we sell
um hats huh we we we may hats. Occasionally they'd
(29:18):
have an interview in there, but you put your tube away.
Wait wait, I got it. I got an idea. No,
I got an idea. I just referred to his we
see at the same time. Okay, one to three, and
that's our second scene our final scene. Today's scene three
(29:49):
is from listener Mike Miller, who wrote, Hi, Kevin and
Alchemists request, please ask Mr Doug Babe to turn down
the goddamn saxophone. Seen suggestion. Pro wrestler gets a job
at a call center. Thanks Mike from Toronto. Pretty simple,
(30:12):
pretty standard. Alright, the switchboard is gonna light up, all right,
it's gonna tell you exactly which call it is because
we already have someone before this who's gonna operate and
you know, plug the phone call in too here and
then we are don't want to worry about me. Brother.
Once I've answered the phone, the phone's gonna be answered,
and then the problem is gonna be solved, definitely. I well, uh,
(30:34):
we can just turn down that volume a little bit.
We are primarily working with the with elderly, so that
that kind of volume shocked them. It's nothing but a
number for me. I'll take age and not break it,
and I take it in half and then I eat it.
So don't worry about me. It's not a problem. I'm
not worried about you, and I am worried about our customers.
So that's just something I you. But so as you'll
(30:56):
see here on the switchboard here, so definitely, so this
call we're here, will just transfer you up to my call.
We'll just transfer. Okay, do you wanna show you? Okay?
All right, thanks for calling Dyson Vacuums. How can we
hip I have a problem with my vacuum. That's impossible
because I take your problem. I take it twice, I
(31:17):
take it right, I throw it up in the air,
and then I land on it. It's done. Your problems
gone quick? How does that go? Bus? I honestly, I
can't blame you for that. That person obviously was having
some emotional issues. I don't know why that figgered out
that way, but it did. Uh. Look, I'm happy you
(31:41):
had a job, but that means you now need to
start paying child's apart. Okay, take childspot. Here's your child's
aboard No one, uh two? Up? Three uh four five?
Having three hundred ninety four, I've been in my six
(32:02):
two twenty. There you go. Are they paying you in
one stand? Yeah? I get paid once. I love your son.
I love you too. You can't touch you unless somebody's
here watching. You know that you're here. He's here. Let's
do this. I could answer it. I could answer it,
(32:32):
but maybe you should take this one. I feel like
you need the practice. I don't practice. I come to play.
How can I help you? Hi? Um, my vacuum is
not working. I think it's swallowed some string. What do
I do now? Great? I'm gonna send you over to
my manager right now? You're on? Oh? Hi? Hello? Um.
(32:59):
I wasn't expecting this call quite yet. What's the problem.
My vacuums followed some string? And I don't know what
to do now? Uh. The good news is we have
a representative here, Blaze, that's able to handle a lot
of problems just like this. I'm gonna transfer you one
more time. Can you stay on the line for another
(33:19):
ten seconds? You got Blazes? You ablem hold on Blaze.
You're not on with them yet. I just want you
to take this one shot my load early. Just put
the call through here it comes in three two? Whoa,
this is Blaze. What's your problem? My vacuums followed some weight?
(33:44):
Did you say, Blaze? Yeah? Blaze? Is this Rick the
Blaze Dragon comach? Yeah, you got it right. Yeah. I've
seen all your matches and I thought you die. Oh
that's all acting. The fighting is real. But the digs
like this is I mean, everything everything I've learned I
(34:13):
feel as fake. I don't think transferred backs for the
call back to fix the damn back or not. I
don't know. Look, Blaze, the dying might be fake, but
the damage to your brain has been real. What are
(34:36):
you saying, duck, I'm saying there's a lot of swelling.
I'm saying it's not looking good days. How many days
do I have? Well, let me look here, and you
got one, two, three, four, five, six. Oh no, this
(34:57):
can be annoying to my wife. Dad, what are you
doing at the playground? It's not your day, son, I
just came to spend some time with you. Maybe we
can go take your shirt off, jumping the ring and
throw out and throw around a little bit. Well, yeah,
I mean that's all that's ever I've ever wanted. All right,
(35:21):
leave your leave, friends. Hi, I'm here to get my son.
He's he's in a wrestling match right now. Excuse me,
he's in a wrestling match. Look. I run the park here, okay,
and I keep taking I know you doing that. That's
why I asked you. You're the hot young man who
runs the park. You're supposed to watch after our chucking
when we're not here. Now, if you're telling me he's
(35:42):
in a wrestling match, that probably means he's with his father.
And he's with his father, he's breaking court orders. Do
you understand that? Yeah? I know, I know everyone's backstory. Alright,
I I run the park. Okay, okay. Where's the wrestling
match happening? I'm not supposed to say, but it's in
that building right there. Tag me out, Dad, tag me out.
(36:02):
Count to three and I'll tag you out. One to stop?
Dot it, dote it. What are you doing? What are
you getting the ring here? What are you doing? Oh?
That's a go to Stephanie Good. That's the hardest you've
(36:23):
ever kissed me. Are you guys gonna get back together?
I don't know? Are we? Yes? Until until it's game
over from me? Why are you dropping to a knee? Stephanie?
I want you to be my wife again. I don't
(36:44):
have a ring, but I got this all over. Yeah.
My son's real good. He's our son, Blaze. Thank you
for granting us this exclusive interview. I no, you don't
have a lot of time left. But Leaner Weekly readers
(37:04):
want to know how's it hanging. It's going good. It's
going good as much as I can say. Okay, interviews over,
interviews over, get out, Get hi sweetheart. Now there's a
(37:25):
lot of fire and images of flames around here. Did
you get inspired when your dad said he's not my son,
he's our son and you're turning that to a wrestler
persona and Arson? Is that what's happening here? Well, I
guess the gig's up. Mom. Yeah, that's exactly what's happening.
You're not getting into wrestling, that's already into it. What
(37:48):
do you mean? I mean, now the dad's gone, I
need to follow in his footsteps. I mean, what a
storyline blaze his son Arson? It's pretty good. Fight fire
with fire. Damn, that's good. I'm saying that would be
my my catchphrase. Alright, kid, this is your first match.
(38:09):
You're ready Aerson, I gotta worn you. This is to
be a tough competition. You're playing Mikey the fire hose Fernandez,
So it's oh, sorry, I gotta take this. Hello. Hi, Um,
I got hair stuck in the in the vacuum planer. Okay,
(38:33):
so the you know, a dison is pretty intuitive, So
all you need to do is pop out the trap
valve and that that hair is gonna come right out.
You know, when James Dyson designed the vacuum, it was
meant to be uh kind of intuitive. Thanks, it works.
Have a good day. Okay, okay, sorry what we're saying,
I'm fighting the fire hose. You're fighting the fire hose.
(38:53):
It's a bad draw for you are since it's a
bad draw, that is not a good draw. I got
one thing I do, which is fires. He's got one
thing he does, which is put out fires. Right. I
have a feeling this is going to end in the draw,
but we're gonna go ahead and see how it goes.
I mean, just you have personality like you did. You
can see the wrestling match quite sure. Well it's going yeah,
(39:16):
I know. I'm also like sometimes I get confused better
but you know, I'll tell you this. I'll tell you
this alright. Regardless of seats, it's just fun to be
in the mix. If food dogs, you guys want some
tofu dogs? Yeah? Sure? Wait a second, Holy Ship, you
(39:37):
were the guy that came on my roof and we
were watching the Mets game. Yeah right, Jerry, what was it? Jerry? Right?
You remember the name wishing you went on a date
with someone at that appetizer Applebee's right, remember my love?
(39:59):
And then you right because of the tube shortage? Yeah, yeah, man,
how are you well? I just I just had this
kind of memory. How are you? Man? And then he
sold us weener weeklies. Yeah, there's no way that's you too.
(40:20):
That's are you pomp my echo? Brad fresh pomping echo?
Brad my neck? My wife want necks? Pass him down,
him down. Also, there's a team arsons, got fire hose
(40:41):
and the headlock. Things are looking good for ours. Fire
hoses wiggling out. Hey man, I do me a favorite man?
Can you shut the funk up when I'm watching? Can
you shut the funk up when I'm watching? My son
has bad vision, okay, and he needs to hear me
say it. I didn't know that ever since. And the
(41:02):
fire you want to join me? I'm not really a speaker,
so it helps. I had enjoy hearing both of the voices.
What okay, look, Hank. I know I just woke up
and I missed most of that episode, but for the
little bit that I heard, I think it's the best
stuff that we've put out yet. Why don't we release
(41:25):
that podcast. I mean, all the dick weener puns like
that was good. Um, the you know, the the way
it came back around with the wrestlers. I mean, this
should be our first release. Where's my jacket? Is it
under this fucking bread? Why is there so much bread? Look,
(41:46):
it's two thirty A yeah. Wait, it's the only way
they have energies to have carbs. All right, listen, I'm
convinced starting tonight we're gonna launch the improvised podcast Everybody.
We're gonna save the world. World, It's gonna save the world.
We said that at the same time. That was like
a mind meld moment. It was not exactly at the
(42:08):
same time, but but neither of us was waiting for
the other to start saying it was. It was inspired
by nature's course, I feel as a team and saving
the world. Where just warming up? Bunny Bunny, Bunny Bunny
Funny can get out of here, Parson Arson Wrestling World Wrestling,
(42:32):
World Wrestling World, Arson over here Wrestling, World Wrestling World,
Worst Wrestling, World Wrestling World. Yes, sir, Yes, sir. How
does it feel to to win your first match? I mean,
I don't know how it beat fire Hose that that
was inspiring, but I guess it mostly U made me
thinking about my dad and how how shorter time he
(42:56):
had on this earth. Blaze Blaze Blaze Save. I'm watching
I'm always and that's our show. Oh blaze ah boy,
let's thank you to our alchemist. See what they're up to.
(43:16):
Chris Alvarado, thanks so much. Cool, it's so nice to
have you here. Um, you know, I gotta say doing
scenes about improv is a tricky, tricky situation and it's
the one that I have mastered necessarily, but happy to
give it a shot. Nothing nothing else is going on
at Chriss Alvarado. Check out my improv podcast, The Comedy Fix,
where we discuss, you know, different types of rules and
(43:39):
techniques and all that type of stuff that's at the
Comedy Fix. That's it, I think nice. James Haney, well,
well hello everyone, thank you for being here today. It's
been a pleasure. Uh, if you have the opportunity, check
out game Front on YouTube. We're doing a lot of
videos and uh, i'd love you to check it out night.
(44:01):
Thanks for having me. It's always a pleasure. Cole, you're
gentleman and a host and uh, yeah, you can find
me at the Comedy Fix. Gregoski always great to talk
about Wieners. Uh. Winners, of course come from Vienna, which
(44:22):
is why they're called that. You know, Vienna, the Austria
they call it. Vien is the local name. So so
a sausage from Vienna is a is a Wiener or
a veener. Uh. And I think that's why people get
the mistaken impression that veener schnitzel has something to do
with hot dogs or sausage when it's a bread and
veal Cutlet. Oh, what's happen Joey Greer? Thank you cool?
(44:50):
We all love you. We all just want to We
could all get a piece of your skin. Would just
be even happier. I do want to say, I have
been watching Midnight Mass on Netflix're gonna buy Mike Flanne,
you the guy who did Haunted the Hill House. Haunting
a Hill House. It's so good, It's scary, spooky. Sp
October's upon us. It's here and I know we're still
in September. I don't give a ship, but check it out.
(45:11):
Get spooked up. I don't think I can. I don't
think I can do it because of the animal stuff
that's in it. So but they've none No really, animals
got hurt, you know, right right, It's all fun, make
believe no spoiler. I'm at Cole Stratton or at Stratton Cold,
(45:33):
depending on the social thing. Go to s sketch Fest
dot com. We're coming back in January, that is what's happening.
So line up will be out in a couple of months. Also,
if you are watching Impeachment American Crime Story, episode one
features not only Mr Kevin Pollock, host of this podcast,
but also the subhost of this podcast, me Col Stratton,
(45:54):
as a real dick out of a reporter. So if
you ever watched yet you want to stream it, look
for us both in that Uh there it is. Let's
uh thanks to our engineering producer Doug Baine and the
fine folks at I Heart Media dot com. Please write
to us at Alchemy this email at gmail dot com.
(46:15):
That's Alchemy this email at dot com. Until next time,
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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