Arctic Scavengers

Arctic Scavengers

Strike at the Paperclip Factory 

New York Water Smuggling 

 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hello, everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Alchemy.
This it's me Chris Alvarado. I'm here, I'm hosting. I'm
happy to be with my friends, and I'm happy to
be with everyone who's listening. Speaking of my friends, let
me introduce them to you in no particular order. Everybody,
please say hello to James Haney. Hi, James, Hi, James

(00:26):
at an airport. If the option is there, do you
use the the moving walkways? Do you do you walk
on those things, those little those little absolutely and if
I can I walk or run on the moving walkway, Um,
but I don't. I don't feel like people that are
angry at people that are standing on the moving walkways

(00:47):
are are sad human beings. I mean, part of the
fun of it is just standing there and letting the
robot do all the work. I do like to go faster.
I so if there's room, I'm going to charge through.
But I will never give a dirty look or tell
some step of the way. I'll just be patient. Okay, Yeah,
moving walk waste, All walk waste were moving. Now, please

(01:08):
say hello to Caroline Connor, everybody, my favorite person. Hello Caroline.
Did you enter any talent shows as a kid. You know,
I think I did, but I think it was whatever
I did was pretty bad. I remember. I don't know

(01:29):
if other people, maybe specifically women, have this experience, but
I would. You would do it like with a partner
and you would like choreograph a dance. But it wasn't
really cool, you know what I mean. It was just
like a lot of like trying to like do pairs
figure skating on dry land, but with the talents of
like a third grader. Does that answer your question? Yeah,

(01:51):
it does. It does because I was the kind about
I think you have a lot of a lot of
hidden talents that the world hasn't seen. Yeah, And if
it's hidden and I'm not gonna do it, that's that's
what I thought. That's why I keep them locked behind
closed doors. I don'tbody say a lot of Jackie do

(02:11):
Ruthie Jackie Jackie. Karaoke underrated, overrated, perfectly rated, perfectly rated.
It's a good time. It's fun. It's fun to do.
Um it's sometimes like fun to watch a little bit,
but either way, it's a good time. Let me say this,

(02:34):
my my my most prized karaoke memory is I went
to the Brass Monkey which is one of the most
you know, popular karaoke bars in uh in Kaytown here
in Los Angeles. And but I went on the fourth
of July in the afternoon, so no one was there

(02:55):
except for me, Pat and then our two friends and
then like two other people. So it was it was
just so fun because everyone was just like so energized.
But like we got to go up there a bunch
of times, and I witnessed my two friends who used
to be a couple. Sadly only sadly for this fact

(03:16):
are they no longer because their bit was so funny
and they and they would do this at karaoke, because
I saw it more than once, but this is the
first time. They would sing system of the Down, like
so one of them is doing that part and the
other one's doing do you want to? And it was
so perfect. It was so perfect, and like one of

(03:41):
them was really tall and the other was really short,
and like everything about it was just like this is
perfect karaoke. This is perfect. Thank you. Oh it's Mark Gagliardi. Everybody, Yes, Mark,

(04:01):
When is the last time you swam in the ocean? Oh? Um?
I think the last time, I said it probably would
have been last summer. I have not gone out yet
this year. Um. I go to the beach a lot,
but I tend to just stay on the strand path,

(04:22):
usually on my roller blades, and I don't want to
get my rollerblades in the water. I roll old scott
old school style. Um. But I do love getting in
the ocean. H I go to get in the ocean
a lot down where my dad lives in Florida. But
the last time I was there there was a full
algae bloom going on, and I was like, that's okay.
I came for a trip. I'm gonna go get in

(04:44):
the ocean. And then I would get out and I
would look like swamp thing because I'm just covered in
this like green du and I'm like, no, no, no,
I'm having a good time here in the water. Let's
go to the restaurant on the beach. And then I
don't let me in because I look like I look
like the toxic avenger showing up for shrimp tide. Yeah, exactly,

(05:09):
I've moved from the Prince of Tides to the King
of tides covered in the algae bloom. But I'm excited
to go back out. I'm not the surfer that you
are well but see, but the thing about me is
that you don't get in the water when you serve.
He just stays on top of the board. I said this.
I said this once, and I think I probably even
said it here. But I've said honestly to Jessica one time,

(05:30):
and she tells everybody now that I said this. I
said to her, the ocean doesn't call to me like
I'm not like, I don't feel one with nature when
I serve. A lot of people are like it's therapeutic.
They feel like very like connected, and I don't. It's
like it's cold, it's salty, it's gross, dirty um. But

(05:51):
I sai, you know, very often, but the ocean doesn't
call it smelling candles. Ocean smelling candles for are a lie? Yeah,
doesn't smell like those candles all smell like time those candles. Well, James, No,
James walks by the ocean very every every day. And

(06:14):
I don't want to hijack this intro. But I also
bought a wet suit and a surfboard and I'm going
to start surfing on Monday. I know the time in
the place. Are you coming on? I'm gonna first surf
by myself before I come with the crew. I like
to think that I like to think that you didn't
buy like a surfing wet suit. You just bought a
wet suit, so a surfboard, and we'll be in both

(06:38):
of those on the water. It's gonna tie, James. Geez,
that's a whole art. We gotta move on because I
want to have a lot of questions and thoughts and concerns. Frankly, um,
all right, last, but certainly not least. We all love him.
Craig Kakowski. Everybody, Hi, Craig Kakowski, Hi Craig. Have you

(06:58):
ever hit a home run? Metaphorically? No? No, literally, I'd
like to think that metaphorically I have a few times,
but no, no, When when would I have hit out? Run?
You know? Literally? Did not play a little league? Um?

(07:23):
I at one point I think I got persuaded to
join a Chicago sixteen inch softball team. But I think,
having not grown up playing baseball, like the the intricacies
of base running and of defense are a lot more
involved than you would think. You know. You think like

(07:43):
you hit and then you run. You just run, you
try to score, you know, but if there's other guys
on the basis. Then there was a little like a
strategy thing, and like it was quickly apparent like how
a little prepared I was. That's why you get home
runs any of that. That's true, right, So just hit

(08:04):
it the funk out of the park. Then you don't
have to worry about that, and you don't have to
worry about it. Yeah, but no, no, And now I
didn't realize until just now that that's my biggest regretting life,
not getting a t ball homer. All right, that's with
a bunch of a show. And as you know, all
of today's suggestions come to us from listener emails. And

(08:28):
if you want to have priority when it comes to
us considering your suggestions, please join us at Patreon. Become
a Patreon Patreon v I P and Alcamaniac. I always
messed this part up because I don't read it. I
should just be reading the thing. I'm just trying to
go off, you know, And that's that's tough. But you
know where to find this Patreon dot com, slash alchemy,

(08:50):
this or We're always happy to take your suggestions the
old timey way via email. You can email us at Alchemy.
This email at gmail dot com that com okay seen
one comes to us from Philip. Philip says, Hey, Alchemists,
this is my all time favorite podcast. It is simply

(09:13):
joy in audio form. I have a scene suggestion Arctic scavengers.
I wish the absolute best and everything you do your
fan for life, Philip. It's just that I feel like
we would see something on the horizon that would fit
the list of scavenger hunting, and there's obviously not a

(09:34):
Volkswagen Boss. I feel like we've been I think we've
been like pranked. I don't think we can do a
scavenger hunt out here, and it's cold as hell. I
think you have no faith. Ah, look out, look out
through the windshield, look at the icy expanse in front
of us. Everything on that list is out there somewhere.

(09:59):
It just it's hard to even open my eyes. The
sun is so bright on the snow. It's not see
you forgot your sunglasses. I didn't think I needed. I
thought it was dark all the time. Up here. It's white.
Everything is white. Everything is white. It bounces, it reflects white.
I'm just it's gonna be honest. I haven't been able
to sleep. Since we come up here, the sun is

(10:21):
always up. I think I want to get out of
this this contest. There is no way out of the contest.
Come on, come on, it was in this contest and
we are not getting out of this contest. When this
contest bared us up, I was worried. I was worried
that you didn't have the stomach for it. I was
worried that you didn't have what it took to stick

(10:42):
a knife into a penguin and drink its blood if
you needed to when you were Yeah, I didn't think
you could do it. And you know what you did,
didn't you? Just last night? You did it. So the
things that you don't think you can do, you can do.
Oh hey, what's up is? I'm just a road tripping
across the Arctic here with my uh, with my bro.

(11:05):
Do you guys know which way is north? We got
a little turned around in our old little VW here. Yeah,
we're trying to go all the way to the tippy top. Yeah. Well,
the problem is is this close to the pole, a
compass doesn't work to well. So we've also we've also
been lost. Uh anyway, so we're just gonna drive. Wait,

(11:30):
a second. But wait one second, let me have just
a quick private conversation with my with my friend. Okay,
is that going to help you find the north direction? Whatever?
What is it? Forget it? First of all, we are
shot friends. What we are not friends? We are teammates.
We were paired together. That does not make us friends. Okay, Well,

(11:55):
I was gonna say, maybe we could have them join
our team. Join our team? Are you nuts? Don't you
think that these two are probably also on the scene.
Scavenger hunt is us and this whole thing is just
a ruse. Come on, which way is north? You're in
the Arctic, that's right? Oh my god, Wow, welcome back
to Arctic scavengers. And so far our four contestants are

(12:19):
really off to a bumpy start, wouldn't you say? There,
paul I, the polar bears are scattered throughout the grid.
They have not run into any of them, luckily yet. Uh.
You will be able to identify the bear by its
distinctive black nose that will appear like a dot on
the horizon. It will grow closer and closer, and before

(12:42):
you know what, the bear is upon you. I do
not wish that upon the contestants, but it is always
a danger. Now, Paul, let me ask you a question
that someone who spend a lot of time out there
in the arctic. Uh, what do you think about Red
team's move pulling up on Blue team to ask for directions?
Will that be helpful out there in the tundra? I
think that was a baller move. Absolutely. Uh and uh,

(13:05):
I think the I think they've got the other team guessing. Um. Oh, ship,
you know what I realized, I fucking I messed up, Bobby.
I looked at look. I thought that our supplies list
was our scavenger list. So it says v W bus.

(13:26):
That's what we're driving in. I thought we had to
find another v W bus. That's why I drove up
to those fuckers. And so that's why partner I thought
I found you. I was looking at the wrong list
all the time. She was looking at the supplies list
thinking it was our scavenging list, dude, And honestly, I'm
not looking at any list at all, because your eyes
are like an ocean that I want to stop. That's true,

(13:48):
that's true. No, I said, there's one rule for this scavenger, hud,
don't fall in love with me. Do you come into
the Arctic and the only thing you can see is
a white snow and ice, and then you look up
and there are these gorgeous dark black eyes, almost like
just one huge pupil. Well, yeah, I told you they
severed by iris when I got eye surgery when I

(14:10):
was six because of my double vision. And just like
you sharing all of this stuff like from your past,
like I just feel close to you. Listen, if you
want to look for all this stuff like I'm down,
I would go to the literal and if this earth
was flat, I'd go to the end to jump off
if it was possible. Romance with the Red Team, Now, Paul, well,

(14:30):
in your experience, did you ever find love out there
in the tundra? I tried many times, so always swung
and missed. I never hit the proverbial home run. Yes, yes,
Now I wonder if their love can help them, or
you know, a new love can help them stay alive
out there. It could. I think both teams are gonna

(14:52):
have a hard time coming up with some of these items.
That Debbie Gibson kis single. I don't think that that's
gonna be easy to find. Uh. The Fox scat, I
think is going to be find a bowl. I think
that's going to be out there, a pin up calendar
with a picture of a Golden Retriever puppy. Again like
the the odds or slim, But you know, we've crazier

(15:14):
things have happened up here in Arctic scavengers, you know, Paul.
One thing that is on the list that I know
you found a couple of times are human remains. Yeah, yeah,
you found that a couple of times. Yeah, And it
kind of throws you off because you're you're obliged to
stay there in honor the dead. Again, the polar bears

(15:35):
are are just vicious when when they get to you.
So now we go back to the Blue team. All right, Look,
we've got almost everything on this list. We just have
one more item to find. Huh. A Debbie Gibson kiss single.

(15:57):
I think it's a type of I think it's a
type of what could it possibly have meant if they
wrote Debbie Gibson ca single, What could that have auto
corrected from? I think it was just a cassette that
is her singles. On one side it would be probably

(16:18):
I don't know, I get lost in your eyes, and
the other side would probably be whatever other really popular
Debbie Gibson song there is. I'm beginning to think my
partner doesn't know Debbie Gibson. I don't, maybe I don't.
Didn't she have like electric buggaloo or what was it ecogaloo.

(16:38):
I will throw you out in the snow. Please don't.
It's cold out there. I can't go back out in
the snow. Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be
harsh with you. It's just when you're staring so long
out into the vast expanse and then suddenly or once
again staring into a pair of eyes, beauty full, beautiful

(17:01):
blue eyes where the the pupil feels just the right
amount of the eye. Wait, are you talking about my eyes? Yeah, yes, stinker,
I assure him. Oh my god, yea, thank you. I'm
sorry I've been so gruff. Look, we just need to
find this single and get out of this goddamn tundra. Okay, um,

(17:27):
this is uh crazy, crazy request. I know you're like
the only vintage store up here in the Arctic, but
my partner and I are looking for kind of like
a poster of like a sexy dog, like a pin up,
a sexy looking dog like in like a you know,
like a Rosie the Riveter outfit, but not looking strong

(17:49):
and not a woman. It has to be a dog,
specifically a Golden Retriever. Are you looking for sexy dog stuff?
Come right this way. Sorry, I don't feel comfortable coming
following you, and I don't feel comfortable following you anywhere.
I'll bring it. I'll bring it out to you that okay,
here we go. No, this is um my own personal

(18:12):
polaroid collection of dogs I have found attractive. No, I
don't do you know what a poster is. It's like, yes,
so usually at least um, at a minimum, I would
say it's like an eight by ten at a minimum. Okay,
so at least yeah, okay, keep talking. And what else?

(18:33):
What needs to be on the picture? Well, like we said,
we're looking for a sexy dog, sexy dog in particularly,
I got good news and bad news for you. I
have a pin up of a Golden Retriever, but unfortunately
it's not terribly attractive. Oh my god, No, no, no, no,
that's a picture of a Golden Retriever pinned up. Yeah.
That is just dude, This is that you know nine

(18:58):
one waters scr all right, don't don't put me the
name on one. Okay, okay, Look, I can help you out.
I can help you out. How this is the last
thing we need? Well, the shop right next door to mine.
It looks close, it looks closed, but it's open. It
looks like an igglue. Nobody's home, someone's home. It's it's
at a poster shop, specifically posters. Well, it's hot. What

(19:21):
do you think should we do it? I mean, this
guy freaks me out, and I know statistically this all
signs point to we're gonna get got. Yeah. If I
got to get god, I want to get caught with
you stop it? Well, yeah, sure, we definitely have the
We've got a sexy golden retriever. Oh it's awesome. Sorry

(19:43):
that I'm just taken him back. This this place is
so big on the inside. On the outside it looks
just like small but wow, it looks like a doghouse
on the outside. On the inside looks like you're you're
on vintage row. You know it's this. This is the
area that everyone comes for for resales shops. And I've

(20:04):
I've been trying to unload this Tiffany kissingle. Oh which one? Well,
it's uh, I saw him standing there. Yeah, backed with
um the the other big Tiffany hit. It's a little faded. Oh,

(20:27):
it's a little faded. Yeah. We don't really have a
lot of cash, kind of just for the poster we need.
But if you want to unload that, we'll take it. Well,
I do do trades. Okay, we got some extra fox shit. Um,
he found a lot of fox shit. And that was

(20:49):
after I took a ship and cut my shot. Gas
stations usually have audio books on tape. I mean, who
listens to audio. Look, I'm sure Debby Gibson's popular down here.
Look you are. I have faith in you. I think
you can do it. Yeah. Yeah, so go in there, hunt.
You see what they have, and if they don't have it,

(21:11):
then you know you and I are gonna be okay. Okay, Hey,
before you go in there, I'll miss you. Oh sorry,
I thought I'm sorry that I can do this. Hey,
before you go in there. Yeah. I also just wanted

(21:33):
to say, um, I'm really glad. I'm really glad the
game paired us up like this. Me too. You know what,
I don't think I could have split that panquin open.
I could have never worn his little sleeves like a jacket.
Unless I had you, and I would, I would have
never known the meaning of being with another person after

(21:55):
so many years up here in the wilderness. Now you
go on in there and you see if he's got
a Debbie Gibson ki single. Hey, hey, I'm gonna stop
you right there, you two you might recognize me. I'm sad,
this is Paul. You're the host of this Discharging Scavengers.
Please let me how to hear you know, we want
to let you know that the Red Team is right

(22:16):
over there in that igloo. That's right, and uh well,
the true search of this show was for connection. Wait
a minute, the items were just you know, not that's important.

(22:38):
But the million dollars we still will get. It's just right, Paul,
Paul goddamn bear slashed me open. Oh my god. And
that scene one see two comes to us from Alchemy

(23:04):
v I p Robert Williams. Robert says, and I love
when we get these. Hey, y'all, maybe this scene suggestion
is good enough for the queue since the other two weren't.
Not that I'm that bothered by it, but you know,
I do pay for the privilege. I think that's look

(23:25):
you we we consider these, all these suggestions. You know
what I mean, you move up in the queue. You
don't just get to say whatever you want. But I
know already if this is the one you picked, that
it's fucking ye three. This is the one. Robert Williams
his suggestion on strike at the paper clip factory. He says,

(23:51):
he says, love you all. Well, I'm not gonna do
this anymore for bullshit wages. I don't need to. I
don't need the money that bad. I agree, let's let's
let's quit. I don't. I don't know if quitting is

(24:11):
really what I want to do. I kind of want
to have a temporary hold on my position here. But
if we can get a whole bunch of other people
to temporarily not work, we could maybe bargain for you know,
running water at the fountains instead of whatever that is
supposed to be that comes out of the phone and
it looks like sludge. These conditions are terrible. I'd work

(24:35):
for better money, better all right, you got time to quip,
you got time to clip? Okay, Um, I don't know,
I'm gonna I'm sorry, I'm gonna make a big announcement
for me. It's fine, it's fine. I think they got
my back. Me, Benjamin, not gonna work anymore until conditions
at this factory are better. Who's with me? Who's with it?

(24:59):
It sounds like no, but he is with you, Benjamin.
So you know what, you don't get a sludge break today?
Sludge break for you? I need something. I can't just
keep working. I sweat when it's it's so hot in here.
Everybody else did? This is your time to get some
piping hot sludge? Where were you? Why didn't you get up? Well,

(25:22):
that was an awful plan. That wasn't you had no
You had no plan. And you know, Big paper Clip
is not gonna look kindly on someone just saying they
want to break with no plan. Paper Clips are all
about having a good plan. If you would have stood up,
everybody here likes you. You're popularity. How do you say,
how do you think I stayed miss popularity? It's by

(25:42):
doing what's cool, and you know it's not cool standing
up for what you believe in. Okay, I'm serious. People
don't um excuse me, big paper clip? Um? Yeah, what
what is it? Tony? Um? It's Tommy sir. Um. I
don't need to know your fucking name. I'm sorry, big

(26:03):
paper clip. Um, it's just that there are there are
there are rumblings, um among the underlings on the factory floor, sir,
rumblings among the younglings. Yes, yes, sir, there there. Well
tell me more. Do you remember do you remember last week,

(26:24):
right around sludge break time, when um I think his
name was Benjamin stood up and said that he wasn't
going to take it anymore. Yeah, yeah, his Norma Ray moment. Yeah,
it seems like other people have kind of latched onto
that Norma Ray moment and there's a bit of a
ground swell. Sir. I'm like, a what ut latched on?

(26:47):
Like like I don't know, like they fastened themselves to
the idea of of a of potentially a work stoppage, sir,
a work stoppage. Yeah, no, I didn't. I didn't mean
interrupt placed on hip and we've got to crank out
paper clips at faster rate? Is that the demand for

(27:09):
paper clips is crazy? Look, I I understand, sir, but
but but if if we overworked the workers, then there's
there's there's not going to be any paper clips getting
made at all if they stop the work, Sir, do
you understand, all right, what what do you propose I do, Tony?
I propose, uh, I propose I don't know, starts smaller

(27:32):
pizza in a movie night. Maybe something to show the
people that you really care. Pizza in a movie. You
know what. My my, my, my, my, my uncle. He
works at the stable factory. Actually, he says. He says,
they got snacks. He says, they got they got they
got coffees. He says, the god they got. They got

(27:54):
a cigarettes. He says, the god they got, they got
a roll ups. He says, they got out, they got,
they got up. Well, we don't have any of that stuff.
You have sludge dripping out of your mouth. I don't know.
Thank you for noticing. Oh it was hard. Well I
noticed too. For noticing. It feels nice that somebody noticed

(28:17):
it was. I wasn't trying to do anything. I just
you looked weird with it. Now, I don't know, I
look significantly better as what you're saying. You're putting words
in my mouth. I don't mean to do that. I
put sludge in my mouth. I put nothing in your mouth. Okay,
So a team works over at the staple fact. Yeah,
when we hold hands, I tell you a little bit

(28:38):
more about this. I don't really feel comfortable. Are you
very palmy like? And I will say though also I
don't want to make it weird, but your ratio of
finger to palm on your hands is unlike anything I've
ever seen. One knuckle, it's like one n It's like,

(29:01):
that's why I can't work at that at the stable factory.
Isn't that I would think? And this is just what
I've heard because my connection is I have connections to everywhere,
as you guys are really popular, so I have friends
at the stable factory too. I think it's easier over
the stable factory because there's only two um edges on

(29:21):
the stable. Two bends, thank you, and paper clips. It's
not even a ninety degree angle we have. It's harder
because it's circular and we have to do multiple all right,
all right, all right, you got time to be friends.
You got time to bend paper clips, big paper clip.
Oh I know that I'm just a little paper clip

(29:43):
and I'm supposed to do your bidding and set up
the piece of movie night. But I got a job
offer over at Microsoft. They be bouncing around and given instructions,
and you know, I like to perform. Oh, I can't
lose your little paper clip. You're the only person who

(30:04):
gets this place. Well that's good to hear, because i
haven't felt appreciated at all, and I've got talents, you know,
I've got real performer performing aspects of of my soul
that need a good out there. And Microsoft is offering
me that. Well, what kind of money they offering money?

(30:26):
They told me snacks, big time snacks. I mean Jared
Deli chocolate. I mean, we're talking big time and they
were gonna give me alright, board, Microsoft, board, everybody gather
around to gather around to introduce you to one of
our newest members of the team. It's a little create

(30:50):
you know what. I don't need to talk about this
little paper clip. Come on out here. Huh look at
this everybody. That's Yeah, that's the way you go. You
go girl, Yeah, okay, okay, don't stop, get up on
the table. Go ahead, keep going, shake shake it, shake
chackena stack jacken, butterfly ending pose, keep going, keep going,

(31:15):
keep going, keep going, Because I just hit the end
of actually pretty good. Yeah, free style, like a freestyle,
but that was not what do we think? I like it?
But or her. Excuse me, but a little paper clip.
It doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. Um so, and

(31:37):
I don't want that to tie us too much to
big paper clip, which is where you're from. If I'm
not mistaken, he's my uncle. I see the family resemblance.
Um some people think that he's actually my about paper clippy?
Wait what I never met my dad, And some people
think that my mom. That's sex with my own but

(32:01):
then said lied and said that baby her husband. Okay,
no business. I just feel like, alright, guys, my my
office assistant has left to become Microsoft's office assistant. Why
are you crying? No tips, no clips, no tips, no

(32:25):
all right. Look, hey, we're gonna do pizza in a
movie night, just like you asked. What movie? Okay, We're
gonna do Lars von Trier's two thousand musical spectacular Dancer
in the Dark starring York Yeah, okay, good. I was worried,
but that might not go over well. But where pizza

(32:49):
is Dakota style pizza? Yea yeah, straight shipped into Sioux Falls. Hey,
co worker, I forgot your name, but I was thinking
it was pretty something. It was something special when you

(33:09):
and I both both like that same movie, and then
we we large FRONTRAI is my favorite director of all time.
My mine too. And then and then well we we
both liked that same Pizza Detroit. Yeah me too, style,
Dakota style, Yeah me too. You ever seen that movie

(33:30):
where um Anti Christ? Is that the one? I love
that film. It's so good, sounds religious. No, really, it's
it's just by the same director, I think. And what
about that one where it's they hired sex people to
have sex but then they see g I the actors
faces on them. I love that one too, It's so funny.

(33:53):
So I guess we we got our job. We got
everything we wanted, didn't we. Yeah? Oh, I thought you
wanted to talk about movies with me. I thought it
over here. I'm a bit of a movie buff. I
don't know if you can tell Well, see, I'll see
you at movie night. Then is at the end of
the conversation, big paper clip, Hey little buddy, listen. I

(34:19):
know I I disappointed you. I know I betrayed you,
but you went for that Silicon Valley money. Oh god,
I'm exhausted. I mean, they won't let me stop dancing,
and I love to do it, but my god, I
need a break. They will, Yeah, I think that they

(34:40):
might be. It sounds like they're getting off on it
like sick purves, the only kind of perves there are. Right,
it was so smart and I should have listened to you.
I should have never try to go cal North, California.

(35:06):
Little clippy, little little look clip, get in here, get
in here. Yeah, you've been doing a great job. You
know that. Thank you. We're doing a great job. Yeah.
I feel like it could be doing better if I
had some rest. I agree. Well, I don't know about that.
Maybe we can switch it up a little bit, don't you.
Would you unbend a little bits, stretch, relax, unbend a

(35:30):
little bit. That can be like a painful process. Let
me help, let me help, let me help you out here. Man,
hey man, hey man, what's the issue? The issues are
your hands on my coopy body? Okay, Oh, nervous that
my little floating eyeballs are going to pop right off,
so please just just don't just don't alright, alright, alright, yeah,

(35:57):
I only feel comfortable with a paper touch, paper, touch. Yeah,
listen again, if you want me to stay here, I
need some breaks. I'm gonna be unionizing with myself. I'm
gonna be unionizing with myself breaks or I'm gonna I'm
gonna strike. Oh I had a feeling i'd see little

(36:22):
clip in here. Uh oh God, I don't know if
you knew this, but you're working here for Microsoft because
we're going to make your species obsolete. Else please, like,

(36:43):
what would you do that? Because paper isn't needed in
the virtual world. What the hell are you gonna clip together,
idiot on your fingernails. I can open the sit card
part of a cell phone own. I mean you need
a small, strong, little cylinder that can easily fit. I

(37:06):
could clean computer. We have backs of ear rings and
tax for that. And you will wound up and stretched
out like a little paper clip, not even willing to
unbend for a nice old gentleman there. God, God, please,

(37:29):
I'm sticking to my I'm sticking to my laurels, my laurel,
and I'm gonna not even I'm gonna not even. I'm
resting on him and I'm sticking on him. Not. If
we digitize you, we're gonna turn you by an aries
zero one zero zero one. Okay, guys, little paper clips

(37:50):
not gonna be back. Oh, but tonight's movie is large
Fontiers Nymphomaniac. Scene three comes to us from Alchemy v
I p. Roberts. He says, Hey, James, glad to hear

(38:13):
you will be reading these from now on. I know
Kevin said you guys don't need more suggestions, but I
had to get this one on paper because I felt
it was my best idea for scenes since I started
listening back in two thousand nine. I'd also love to
get a plug in for Caroline's podcast Stinkers, truly one
of my favorite podcasts in years. There's also Joey's new

(38:33):
audio book, The Which of West Oak very funny any
Alchemy this fan would find these things funny as well.
I love seeing you all find success, and I'm rooting
for you. What a good dude suggestion New York water
smuggling ring mm hmmm. You know the pizza in l

(38:54):
A just doesn't taste the same. You know what it is.
It's the water water. No, I have a so I
grew up in Queen's first of all, and ever since
here like the bagels are not the same, the pizzas
and not the same. I know you've said that for
so long, and then I took that trip to New York,
and now I realize you're right, it's different here. It's
the water. It's the water. Is it a soft water

(39:14):
hardwater thing? Is it a calcium thing? What is it
that makes it so much better in New York? Hey,
it's in New York water, you know. And uh, it's
just the fact that it's from New York is what
makes it better. Sorry, do you either of you have
any books to check out? That's what this line is for.
Oh oh gosh, let me go grab some. You don't, okay, Yeah,

(39:39):
I'm used to. Uh, I'm used to go into the
New York Public Library with the famous lions statues, Ghostbuster's Library.
I love library exactly. This is of the Los Angeles
Public Library in downtown Los Angeles, and it operates pretty
much exactly the same. Um. Yeah, I don't know. It
just feels a little more, you know, superficial. You know,

(40:03):
it just feels very l a here. You know, it's
it's not you, it's not New York. Okay, okay, not
a problem. Excuse me, I like to return this book. Okay, yeah,
thank you? And and and can I just say I
don't think you should carry the Divergence series here anymore. Um,

(40:25):
thank you for your feedback. Man will take that into consideration.
You think about how violent these little teens get. They
get very, very violent. It's fiction, and if you look
at some of the greatest works of fiction, you'll find
that there is quite a lot of violence in in them.
This teen girls getting her ass beat by a bunch
of older men. And we're saying that that's good, that's

(40:46):
good entertainment, and I'm rooting for these guys. Um. I
don't know how you read the book. That's not how
I remember. I think it was all the teens kind
of fighting against each other right now, and it's a
lot of I mean, there's I mean, this girl's getting
beat by a lot of men. Excuse me, h. I
heard you guys talking about New York water and how

(41:07):
these are typically better in New York. Yeah, things are so.
He's always says things are better in New York. He's not.
It's just a fact. Hey, don't you want you meet
me outside? I got a little proposition for you guys.
You know, I liked this book series better when it
took place if it took place in New York. I
heard you talking about the Divergent series. I'm talking about

(41:28):
it takes place in dystopian Chicago. What the hell did
a little rewrite? I did a little rewrite of it.
So this, this change is probably a lot of the
problems you might have with the Divergent series. Check out
my first one. Okay, it takes place, it takes place
in New York State. It's not the same, and there's

(41:50):
there's no violence in it. It's really good. Takes Do
I get three weeks for this? Or I don't understand
why we have to stand on the yellow line? You
said meet you outside, but we are standing in the
middle of the street. This feels unsafe. Are we standing up?
What are we standing? Online? Okay? Because tell me, tell
me what are you feeling right now? What are you feeling?

(42:11):
Cars around us? Can we please get over to the
sidewalk and where else? Our car is always around you
when I don't know, not like this, probably in New York,
in New York City, am I right? Yeah? Yeah, but
it's it's not the same. It's not the same. Okay, okay, okay,
come on over to be like taxis. I know, I

(42:34):
would just want to give you a feeling. I know,
I know, seems hot. That was very scary. I open
my trunk, ups, give me one sec. You want to
talk about hot New York? New York in the summer
gets hot, it gets hot like this. This is this
is like mild and pleasant all the time. It's it's
been looking his trunk. Hmm. See that New York water.

(43:02):
That's the distinctive look of New York water. That just
looks like water to me. I don't know, so he
gets it. Are you from? Are you from? What? Are you? Freeens? Oh?
Queen's I'm a Queen's guy, Wall, I'm Queen's. Well, my
mom's from queens a Storia. Okay, okay, your mom my
mom my mom? And of course, hey respect respect respect.

(43:24):
Oh boy, oh boy? What what a what an intersection?
I just a section right, come on, come on, forget
about it, come on, oh ship. Hi, um, gentlemen, I'm

(43:44):
just hi. I just thought I heard some New York
accents um, and I thought I smelled something that smells
a little bit to me like ship. What do you
think I could be talking about New York water? Well,
first of all, what you say New York accent? That's
very vague like what it would you know? What borrow
are you referring to me? We're training specifically to Queens

(44:06):
a queen's accent someone or on third and five is
what I thought I heard? All right, story, Yeah, you're
a real Henry Higgins with your specificity of your accent recognition. Well,
let me tell you something I'll never forget. Because my
partner was killed by a guy, a sucker from Queens.

(44:29):
He was My partner was l A born l A cop.
Is that a thing? Can you be born in l A? Hey?
I'm sorry for tracking you down at your house, your
your your rental is not up yet, but I was
wondering if how you are enjoying the new Divergent series.

(44:52):
It kind of it's different. I'm going to be honest
with you. I made now. If this is wrong or illegal,
or I've i've met. If this is bad for you,
you let me know. But I've actually made six copies
of your book and I circulated it with my book club.

(45:13):
Now none of us are done with it, but we're
meeting in a week and a half and if you
can get these ladies hooked. Now, I've only read the
first three chapters and so far, it's the least sexy
book I've ever read. Oh God, it's my husband. Listen,
he's from Queens. Just you've got to get out of here.

(45:37):
He's very Okay. If you need any other books I've got,
I've got just about every popular book you can imagine
where all the violets, all the sex has been taken
out of place here, I've followed you home. Okay, you
know what, Actually, no sex cana go over here like

(46:00):
a fucking metro station. All right, he's tall. He's so
tall he can fold the Chicago style pizza. Can you
believe that? That's how strong and tall he is. He
can fold anything. Um, Laura, I have something really messed
up to tell you, but it's just something i've noticed.

(46:20):
Thank you for meeting me here at this juice shop. Um,
I don't think your husband is from Queens. Calls a lion, Yeah,
basically because he says weird things like the metro station.
When referring to the subway system, he called it the
Windy City, which is Chicago and not New York. Ok,

(46:42):
the Big Apple. And he said that the best sports
team he loves from New York are the the Miami dolphins.
You're out of control. No, his favorite song is is
New York, New York That wonderful time. That's well, Vince,

(47:03):
what do you mean it doesn't taste like a New
York pizza. We used that water from that man's trunk
and he said he was from Queens. I think we
got I think we got ripped off. You're from New York,
you can't get Look, I am as easy to rip
us off, but you're supposed to be unrip offable. It

(47:23):
just doesn't taste right. And I am here today with
the owners of the New York style pizza shop interviewing
them for their UM store opening today. How are you
guys feeling? How are you feeling for the first official Yeah? Yeah, yeah,
great and authentic? Authentic? Yes? And and um, if I

(47:46):
heard correctly, you got this water legally imported from New
York City? Is that true? Yeah? Yeah? Where are you from?
By the way, what did you grow I'm from l A.
Well not, I'm from Chicago. Um and yeah, it's a
long story. Okay, So you're not somebody with a strong

(48:11):
sense of place like a New Yorker? Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I think I think this pizza will suffice. Then well,
I'm babe, baby, wake up. That new that new pizza
place is openy. I wanna it's from my hometown. I
want to go. I want to can't get nap. You
can't have your mid mid evening nap. I want I
want to go grab a slice. Sorry, I just got
some nauseous. I had to close my eyes. Those headaches again.

(48:37):
Can you believe it? The doctor next you know, ahead,
I was just gonna say. The doctor said I was
gonna have no true side effects from my new colonic
and now here I am just getting these micraines that
are manifesting in nausea. Slice, baby, you need a slice
of pie from my hometown. I've been telling you about
this for a long time. That's right. And uh, your

(49:00):
hometown is U seventy seven and two. It's different, it's different.
It's it's different than here. Baby. Over here, you got
last year fair facts over there. Look look my best
friend he grew up onto and nointh you know North.

(49:21):
What's your favorite I mean, listen, I'm not I'm not
saying anything. It's just what you need. What do you need?
What's your favorite Alicia Keys song? You know I don't
listen to piano music. Baby, So next question, next question,
next question. Listen to the piano makes me feel weird? Yeah,

(49:43):
you need anymore? Um, let's get a slice. Let's let's
go get a slice. Okay, you and me, are you shure?
Just farting through this straw into this bottle of water
is working? And they really fallen for this? Being New
York water, I feel like they're gonna know it's just

(50:03):
fart water. So where are you from? Exactly? I'm from
just outside of New York City in New Jersey. Can
you tell by my accident? I can't. I can't wait. Boss,
do you want us to keep eating these beans too?
Fart into the water? Keep beating the beans? Okay, by

(50:23):
the way, I'm from the same well. Wow, wow, Look
who it is. Look who came for a slice? Hey
it's my water hook up guy. Hey, hey, this is
my this is my wife. Here are you doing? She's
not from she's not from the city, you know? And
you are? You are from the city. I uh, we

(50:46):
established where we are from. Well, my mom, my mom,
you know, so your mom's from my story? Yeah yeah,
yeah me, I grew up on the I know by
the one of those things called your stores over there there,
like look store, but the boda boy grew up. You
grew up by the bodega. Okay, yeah yeah. So anyway,

(51:09):
so my wife here, she's never had a true stace
to meet you. I'm from Riverside, California. I just talked
like this because I got a speech impediment. Okay, that's
all right, And I just didn't want any questions. I
didn't want any of that. But I'm excited to try
a slice because my my book club absolutely devours pizza.
I gets their job. We barely even get to talk

(51:32):
about the books that the pizza is good. So if
I like this, I'm like, Okay, what do you want?
What do you want to slice? What do you want
to hold on? Hold on? You guys got a whole
news crew here and everything. Yeah that's right. This is
going out live on and you guys are giving me
everything I need. I haven't even had to ask any
questions because it is just really good stuff. So keep
it going, keep it going. So I think we're gonna

(51:53):
go classic in New York. Give us deep dish. I'm
going to want you've got if you could put everything
on top, all the meats into the deeper dish. We
do slices, all right, Cheese, pepperoni, veggie. That's about it,

(52:13):
all right. And it's a foldable slice. It's a slice
you can fold and put your mouth. Can fold anything.
You've seen these hands that look like basebombs, you know,
with the skyscrapers and the trains going by all the time.
You got to be able to fold anything at any
at any time. She's something friend, my New York friend.
You saw me fart water. That's oh gosh, um, James,

(52:43):
Did you say that because you think New York water
chastes like fart water? No. I just feel like if
we were saying this smells bad, that's one way you
could make it happen where fart water smells. That's right,
that's right, James, while we're talking to you. But thanks
for playing. Thanks for being you, James, Thank you. I

(53:03):
don't have much of a choice these days. Have kind
of committed to being me. I mean, it's I mean,
I guess I do have a choice. Every day. I
could be I don't know someone else pretty much. Actually, no,
this is me. We know, and we know and we
love it, and I can't wait to see you out
in the ocean this summer surfing along with the West

(53:24):
Side Surf Crew in your tie everybody. I've told this
to this too, because I'm just gonna take my surfboard
and I'm gonna walk straight from my house to the
ocean two blocks away, and I'm just gonna get on
top of that idea. And that's what everybody keeps saying.
I have a good surfer, surf before. But I'm a
good swimmer. I'm a good skater, got incredible upper body.

(53:48):
James James, James Sjames Shames, Shames, I'll see you out
there moving on. Caroline, Well, I see you out there.
Are you are you? Are you a beach person? Um? Yeah, sure,
I went surfing exactly once. Was it with It was
with Doug. That's what I'm fun. I never but you know,

(54:10):
I think I could be pretty below average atted if
I kept if I kept at it. Um, but the ocean,
my thing with it is it's too big. That's what's up. Yeah,
that's what's up, Caroline. Where can the people follow you?
You know on my Instagram cotter poop And then you

(54:31):
know we got a paid shout out for a Stinkers
podcast you can listen to that too. I paid that
man to write in about that, so you know whatever. Okay, Jackie, Well,
we see you out on the on the waves this summer. Um.
You will not see me out on the waves this summer. Um.
The ocean calls to me, but the warm ocean calls

(54:53):
to me. This ocean does not call to me. Too
cold to murky. Um. Where there are seals, where's there's
where there's large prey, there is large predator. Uh So
I'm good on this one. But perhaps you'll see me

(55:13):
rolling in the sand um or you can definitely catch
me at Jackie Ruthie on Instagram. And guess what, guys,
it's almost Christmas in July. And I know for a
fact that this July we have a special guest on
one of our episodes. Who um, the Alcamaniacs are gonna

(55:37):
know and love? And I'm not going to tell you
who You're gonna have to find out. Let's twist say. Okay,
maybe it's Mark Gagliardi. Mark. I don't want to say anything. Okay,
I don't want to say that. I shamelessly just reached
out to Jackie the other day, like I love Christmas.
I love Christmas movies. I want to be on your show.

(56:00):
I'm not gonna say that that happened. Okay, why don't
you say where we can find you? You can find
me online. I am at Mark Gags on Twitter and
Instagram and uh yeah, and if you live in Los
Angeles or in the surrounding area the second Thursday of
every month, you can find me with what you will

(56:20):
a Shakespearean unplay at Lineage Performing Arts Center. Also, we
got this with Mark and Howe on the Maximum Fund Network.
Wait wait, wait, wait real quick, I know we're wrapping up.
What what is this? This Shakespeare show? It is imagine
a sketch show where not everything is necessarily a comedy sketch,
but it all revolves around the works of Shakespeare. I

(56:41):
am yeah, I know. I realized as I was saying it,
the guy who is famously champions uh improvisation that is
not always comedy. Um, a sketch show that is a
sketch show that is not always comedy is a delightful thing.
So yeah, good, but you're plugging that. And I mean, Craig,

(57:02):
You're always comedy, dude, Craig's comedy. You are right or die? Um, yeah,
and I think pizza wars are silly to like. L
A has a lot of great pizza. I love New
York style, love Chicago style, both the deep dish and
the thin stuff. Um I love that Detroit pizza with
the caramelized crust. I'm Dakota pizza was a joke, but

(57:26):
I'm sure like, if you're from uh, if you're from
Pierre or Bismarck or Fargo or sup Falls, and you
want to talk up your pizza to me, like, please
let me know next time I'm there. I'll check it out.
All right, You're right, pizza wars are silly. They are silly.
We can just love the world. Pizza is still pretty good.
That's right. Thank you all for being here, and let's

(57:49):
thank our engineer and produce it to the stars and
surf Instructor Extraordinair Doug As the fine folks, and I
heart media. Thank you, I heard I've been your host,
Chris Avarado, and thank you for listening. And until next time,
oh colonel