December 12, 2019 • 63 mins
Unassertive Beta Gender, Non-Binary People Get Coffee; Space Beings Stop At Box-Mart; One Employee LOVES Working Longer Hours For Less.
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This I'm your
host Cole Stratton, who initially type out his name to
Coke Stratton, which is honestly better. Kevin is off collecting
seventeen cable as a word for Mazel, So I'll be
filling in today. Let's mean alchemist, shall we, in no
particular orders, say hello to the candy baron himself, James Heeney. James,
(00:24):
you didn't know, James, what's the worst candy out there?
The worst candy out there is God, I love candy. Uh,
you know what it is. It's it's it's a lot
of pressure root beer barrels that don't have anything inside
(00:46):
of him because you want them to have like a
gusher in the middle there. It is. It is straight
up rooper barrels on that. You'd rather have that than
a bit of honey or oh honey, the bit of
honey is pretty bad. I mean, I don't know. That's
a hard question. Cole. You a liquorice guy. Oh, I
fucking love liquor. Black liquorice. Red liquorice is for the birds.
(01:09):
You can use. That's an unpopular opinion. It's like even liquorice.
Liquorcio is black liquish. If it's not black liquors, it's not.
I'm just saying to be aware that that's a that's
an unpopular but there's there's opinions, and there's facts. Liquorice
that has to be black or it's not liquorice, it's
just red rope man. That's our show for Next up,
(01:30):
it's the Master of Disguise Vanessa raglan v. What's what's
the key for hiding yourself in plain sight? Oh, we'll
cover yourself in trash dub. Next up, he's a cunning
linguist who can do any accent poorly. Chris Alvarado, Chris,
(01:52):
what language do you wish you could speak? Spanish? I
mean my last name is Alvarado, my father's first language
of Spanish, and yet I can't speak Spanish. You can
get there, there's ways, no not in this city. Hey,
it's very available here. Do you hear sleigh bells? It's
(02:14):
probably because Christmas. Caroline Cotter is here. That's kind of nice, Caroline.
What's the worst gift you ever received? Oh? Boy, let
me think about that. Oh someone gave me um like
a DVD recently. I don't remember what movie was, but
MoMA doesn't have a DVD. I know that was bad.
(02:35):
If you don't even remember what movie, I suck. And
finally it's the King of the Junior High Dance Floor
Brad Norman Pot Brad, what was your favorite middle school jam? Oh? Man? Uh,
fast jam? Pour some show ground me slow jam? Okay,
(03:01):
slow jam would be um. It's so hard to say.
Goodbyte yesterday, it's a good one. That's a slow jam.
Remember the school. That's a good that is? I mean again,
that's so multi that song. It's just like, yeah, scrap
(03:23):
here but yeah Spotify listed. All right, Well, before we
get started, we would like to invite you all to
be v i P members and our new Patreon page
bonus episodes not available to non members. There's a phone
number just for v i P Shere you can leave
a message being a question or request or whatever and
(03:45):
we'll replay at our regular video q and as with
the Alchemist at Kevin's Place, which are only available to
v i P s. It's all kinds of cool ship,
so please join our super core fans by going to
Patreon dot com slash Alchemy. That's it's a simpler your
l than where to get that teacher? Last episode? All right.
All of today's scene suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails.
(04:05):
If you'd like to submit yours, please write to the
podcast at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at alchemy this dot com. Our
first scene comes from Jeff, who wrote, Hey, guys, I
am very excited to send this in. I am loving
your show. I am suggesting two or more extremely unassertive
polite beta gender non binary individuals struggle not to outdo, insult,
(04:30):
trigger each other while at Starbucks. I am whatever you say. Thanks.
My name is Jeff. I think that the scene suggestion
is okay, and kneel and the order please, I'm sorry
my name. I can't believe you just said that. I'm sorry,
I'm sorry. I'm trying. I'm training here today. UM give
(04:53):
me one sep with my manager. Excuse me? Are you
asking them their name? On want to lie? Yes? I
I asked their their name. These are regular customers. They
come here every single day. Oh that's the issue. Well you,
I can't believe you wouldn't understand that. I thought when
you started today you said that you understood how coffee
(05:13):
shops were. That's very easy to understand. I was under
the impression that you were saying that a name might
be a label and go further. Yeah, that's why. Because
everyone gasped, I'm so sorry. Never mind, this is easier
than I thought. You know what. I'm new here today. Um,
we'll come back over here, come back over here. What's
up there? I'm working on the phone machine. I'm sorry.
You know what, Maybe maybe you should take the register
(05:36):
for a minute. No, I'm fine. You're not fine. You
are going to get eaten by the dogs over there.
Wait dogs what? Okay, we don't but I don't really
call them dogs, but you don't know how how they
identify them. Do you want me on the register or listen?
I think I might have crossed the line. I'm going
to have to go to the back office and call
(05:57):
my supervisor and see if I've crossed a line, and
I'll finish up with this order here, stay on film.
Can I get any sound you'd like to make that
you know what? Just just put on the cup, put
on pa yes, play. This is tough here. Keep your
head down and keep your brain right, kid, I don't
know I don't. That's the thing. I don't know what's
(06:19):
right or wrong anymore. Well, talking to me is wrong.
It's a shop full of people. I'm sorry. Sorry, do
I not get to order? Look what you did? I'm sorry.
I just think it's kind of really funny in a
way that's not funny at all that you would ask
for WA's order and then don't correct me on my
own it was I was doing a silent key because
(06:41):
that's the way I identify. I gotta hand these keys
off over you. I've I've I'm so. It's it's as
simple as that. I've got to go. So long. Can
we reset? Look at six flow manager? Things about to
(07:03):
change your haund here? Okay, guess what you're out person.
I'm a customer, Yeah you are, But you were rude
to me and I got handed at spoon. You can
kick my best friend out of this start, you know
what I can, because I just got handed the spoon
with some keys on it. That's the bathroom key. I
thought you gave it to me before. You have the
(07:24):
bathroom key. That's why the spoon is so big. Listen,
this is a clear abuse of managerial power. You have
to make a drink from my best friend here and
finish up. My friendship doesn't come into this, by the way,
are you sure a customer is a customer? But you
keep reminding us your best friends and for me who lost,
(07:44):
maybe it's pretty triggering. Maybe you don't understand. Maybe you
don't understand what it's like to have a friend call
you and say I need some space. Maybe you don't
understand what it's like to have a friend from Desert Shield.
I mean we met in rock. Is that the one
with the yellow ribbon? Okay, okay, okay, we're all calm.
It's I'm not am Yeah, I swear to God. It
(08:07):
is getting harder and harder. Don't say God. In this establishment,
we do not recognize religion here. Hey, I am sorry.
I sent in a mental order ten minutes ago, and
I don't see it out here. How did you just
used your brain wage? I did. I sent it out
ten minutes ago. Because can you say what it rhymes with?
(08:29):
I'll send it to you now. Gosh coffee, whoa, whoa,
Oh my god, there's so much thought in the air.
Are you kidding me? Like, like, yes, you can't use
that much mental energy in this establishment. I wouldn't have
had to if you just picked it up when I
initially sent it. Well, you make a great, if not
(08:51):
confusing point. I'm the manager now, I just got a
big promotion. No one's taken the time to congratulate me.
But I'd like to comp your drink or snack that
you thought of. Okay, thank you. I very much appreciate that.
If you could communicated verbally, could really help the team. Okay, Well,
I want a grande a half cap mocachino that identifies
(09:14):
as a regular black coffee. Now, sir, um, I can't
just sell you a gun. It Uh, there's a there's
a there's a waiting period. Um, I can wait. You
look pretty down. I'm not down. This is like one
of the best days of my life. Really. Yeah, it's
like a really good day. No, I'm not crying. I'm sweating.
(09:36):
It's really hot. It's really hot. How much longer do
I have to wait? As a matter of fact, I
have I have people in the bag. You have to
deal with customers like you. On second right, we have one.
Oh yeah, okay, let me at him. Thank you, Hey, buddy, yeah,
here to get a gun. It's my birthday. It's my
favorite day of the year, and I just wouldn't get
(09:57):
a gun. Okay, Well, normally it's a store policy that
we don't sell firearms to people who are, let's say
so triggered. It's just kind of a funny joke. But
I think about it that way. Yeah, But but you seem,
well it's funny in like a pun terms kind of way,
you know, like it's sort of a play on where
it's guns triggers. Um, look, you seem pretty emotional. Would
(10:20):
you care to have twenty minutes of free counseling before
you purchase your firearm? Yeah? Yeah, it's a part of
a store benefit. And yeah, I can pay you up
with the counselor of your choice. Um, and you can
have it out with them, and afterwards you can decide
whether or not you want to whatever I want to say,
whatever I want. Why don't I bring them out? Hey,
counselor's come on out, make yourself alone. He gets to choose.
(10:44):
My name is Penny, and um, I'm a straight shooter.
And he's a graduate of the University of Arizona. And
uh and and this is Jeremy. Jeremy, what do you got?
I am really good to say, a leading what you
literally wanting inside? I don't like foreigners. Well he did
(11:05):
study at the Paris Institute for Intuition. Definitely not definitely
not in and this is bolka you slurping down money,
all right. She took a six week course for telepathy
for the Soft Paladin. I didn't know what the thing
(11:25):
about it was. I think it was still all of love.
So you have your choice here. You really have like
a straight shooters sort of advice. You have a sort
of American I don't want anybody that's sort of a
swishy French thing happening out here. Or you've got this
stage ly advice of this old crone. I'm only look
(11:47):
smy named from Ohio. Yes, yeah, I'm actually from France.
Oh okay, that all my gosh, I'm so sorry. Or
in story, but I don't know if we got time
for Yeah, of course we did. He tells it's good stories.
(12:14):
Hey everybody, it's nineteen one and we're in high school.
We're gonna go back ten more years. First story, she said, anyone, damn,
Hey guys, it's nineteen seventy one years okay, it's nine
eight five, and we take this awesome and we're in
(12:37):
a grocery store. But did you leave the baby in
the car? Baby? Here's our baby. I'm four years old.
And he left was the potatoes? Oh thank god, thank god,
it is hot in the car. It was hot in
the car. I got and then I found that, and
(12:58):
then that's that's about the potato. Stay by the potatoes.
I remember saying that. I thought, well, this was taking
a whole. Are they trying to lay me a game
the potatoes? Potato? Hi? I'm sorry, can I um? I
was just wondering if I because I kind of had
like five pounds um of potatoes I needed for a recipe,
and I had picked up your daughter initially with that
(13:20):
look like I was wondering if I could just check
her out. I mean, thanks for asking, because honestly a
lot of people trying to do without asking, and the
fact that you're talking crazy. Unfortunately, my my daughter, even
though she does sort of look like when she doesn't
identify as a potato, it's more like a being. But
(13:42):
I don't look a lot like a Tit also feelings. Lady. Yeah, hey,
I'm so sorry. I did not mean to walk into
your origin story. Uh do you know which I the
burnet sauces the end. Yeah, that's ill seven right by
the jams and jellies. Thank you very much, appreciate the hair,
those your choices. You heard her origin story. She looks
at a potato. I still don't know where she's from them. Yeah, okay,
(14:06):
we all have it Elgian stollies. He's not just hell
yeah of course. Alright. How much more longer do you
have to wait for my gun? Well it's still two
weeks and you are now seventeen minutes into your twenty
minute free Okay, okay, let's hear the next origin story
from the guy with the French accent for a while. Yes,
that happened. The yellow was nineteen ninety set, okay, you
(14:30):
got it. New Year's Eve? This to what happy bunch?
Don't you love? Oh no, I'm not having a bay.
(14:51):
Oh my god? Who brought that woman into labor at
our party? Jeremy, we do something about this. Well, let
me deliver us this baby. You push push right, Oh
my goodness, it's getting everywhere. I think I have changed.
My consciousness was the baby? The baby is not me?
(15:12):
And the baby baby and my baby is the consciousness
of a frenchman. So that's that origin story. That's Jeremy, Jeremy.
How much more time do you have? Ninety seconds left?
Nobody's got two weeks until it was just in line.
(15:34):
I'm also wanting to purchase the firearm. Would you like
the blue one? All right? So you want to hear her?
How are you from Paris? Okay? Well the year was
two thousand and eighteen. Everybody, it's the present day, and
that's kind of how my whole story happen. There, he goes. Yeah,
(15:56):
a bit of a mystery, that one, but full of
so much wisdom. So do you have up a gun?
I don't want that one to be my my therapist?
All right, Well, they can take a hike ball? Would
that mean to pick you up a coffee? If or something?
I just say, see I go to stopducks, pick you
up something. It could take days. You're gonna go to Starbucks? Yes,
I was about to make the line lunchtime everybody wants them.
(16:18):
All right? How about this? Oh my god, your nose
is bleeding? Did you have a gun? Of course I
do stand all the issues. Fue do me a favor gun?
That Starbucks? You know? You know what? You're probably right.
Everything's cool. I feel like we should gonna sell this
(16:39):
man a gun got a real joker movie period. Okay,
order up here. I have essence of coffee. Aroma is yes, there,
you are offensive coffee. Now. Um, we want to apologize.
I know we are route to you earlier, but we
are back in the swing of things. She take a
quick on line coursebacks stage. Yeah. I love this production
(17:03):
of Starbucks, so I love putting it on. We have
so much fun out here. I can't believe I one Starbucks.
So what can I get for you today? Um? I
would love your seasonal peppermint moca on it. Absolutely, guys.
I just heard that there's a talent agent from Freedo
(17:24):
l here today. Yeah, so if we want to start
Starbucks to be co owned by Friedo Lay, a huge
parent company. Okay, we need to make sure that today's
performance is the titties. But I also think it's important
to remember we don't need to go for the result,
just do our show. Us reacting is the show, listen.
I just felt that it was my job to let
(17:45):
you for sure. Absolutely, we love that, guys. I'm back.
What the hell he's got an A K four seven?
This is illegal? I wasn't supposed to have this right,
and I have that. Thank you, You're thanks um with
the good faith of that move. I'd really like to
get a reference from at least three of you to
(18:08):
get a gun. You're so a gun. This a K
forty seven was given to me. I don't, I don't.
I don't even know how to use an A K
forty seven. Places Starbucks places we can leather. Good morning,
(18:37):
don't bush, good morning, good morning. The day has just
to be gun. Wants Okay, how can I serve you?
Bringing up me a cappuccino? Line line line cappuccino? Sir, yes, sir,
(18:59):
right away? Yes, no, yes, yes, yes the customer, yes,
I freaking right away. Three. Production is terrible. James Fretto
and you sandral Asia leave immediately. Wait wait wait, wait wait,
It's my fault. What is doing. It's my first day
(19:19):
at this production and I let the nerves, my nerves
get the better of me, and it's been a crazy day.
Don't blame yourself. I it was my first day managing
the team, but I also let my nerves get the
better of me. It's my fault too. Listen, We're all human.
We're just trying to put on the best damn Starbucks
show we can remember. This is all a fever dream
of a seven year old. Okay, so let's just try
(19:42):
to do the best we can. Let'sten to the best
we can and try to get through it. Guys, pause, right,
let's do it, even Mr funk, I sucked up. No,
you didn't sucked up. Someone smacked me. You're good, someone
smacked me. Ow, I just need it's potato d hi,
(20:09):
I bet y'all you know what someone said to me
as a joke once. Listen, I won't chop you up
and make you chips. Are you sure they weren't flirting
with you? I don't think they weren't, because I ad
vomited recently about looking at me. But you don't identify
as a potatoes. So that's really a kind of insulting,
isn't it. Yeah, it's like a microaggression, almost a hate crime.
(20:33):
That is how Hamilton's was, And that's our first was
fishing for Frida lay acquisition. They weren't getting that seven
year old for that one. That's right, Thank you. See
(20:54):
two coaches from Dave who was not seven patriarch maybe
he is, and please you remember all of you pas
get first priorities, he suggestions that we do here, so
get those in thank you, sir. Straight Dave wrote, aliens
land on Earth, and their first interaction with humans is
when they walk into a low price big box retailer
like Walmart, Chicken his church. Dave, al Right, relax, try
(21:20):
to behave like normal human beings, and we will. We
will infiltrate them and impregnate them. Next here we go,
we corner box Mart. Are we supposed to hug you
on our way in? I was just gonna hand you
(21:42):
a basket or thank you? Thank you? Okay, here, sweetheart,
I don't give a ship kind of wine we get,
just get it and go. I know, but I don't
know if I want wet or white. They have rose eight.
Oh shoot, you're always drunk. It doesn't matter. Are you
(22:03):
talking about drunk? Right now? Our wine for breakfast? And
you sit that scope on the way in the mouthwash. Yeah,
I know what Scope is saying. I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to interrupt domestic interaction. You know what Bernet sauces
in in seven right now? Thank you very much. Okay, baby,
listen to this. I'm listening. Okay, get this. Yeah, I
(22:25):
just don't know who you one to catch observe your
next the gender roles forming between these people. Maybe they've like, Baby,
you can't say that you've gotten so much trouble for
saying that before. You point ed someone in the middle
of the store and you're like, they seem for it,
and you walk up to them and ask him a
crazy question. It's not gonna be a crazy question. Just watch, okay, fine,
(22:48):
was approaching Hello, Hello, Hello, fellow, do you speaking lishes
don't give me the okay signs? Baby, it's not hear you. Um,
we don't know what type of wine we should have tonight?
Could you recommend one? Can we recommend a wine I
(23:12):
permented alcohol beverage. Of course we can. It just requires
me to touch your neck with my lips. About scooter
through scooter, Look at this one, bodys, look at this one.
Cybernetic and must be she must be a boss. My goodness,
she as per godline y'all can't block an awe when
(23:35):
people with major issues that need scooters need to all
Every roll of her flesh goes all the way around.
She has so much us and teeth like a jack
o lantern. I want to clip my my lips upon her.
I want do you advise you against that from this
particular human? What are y'all talking about? We're talking about you?
Let me turn this thing around, back it up, turn
(23:55):
it around, my friend. I'm talking my friend Sammon, since
my friend Bobby Gary was wondering, Yes, Bobby Gary, Yes,
(24:17):
that Bobby Gary? Is it? My friend here? My friend
something called Bobby Gary. Oh no, I mean this, Bobby Gary.
You hit my hand. Well, anyway, my friend and I here,
we're about to have somewhat of an argument about you, ma'am.
He said that you were a seven, and I said
that you were an eight out of what four hundred million? Okay,
(24:43):
well that was smart ass. I'm gonna tell you something.
Come on down here, hey, can you'll stand right here?
Can you put your feet right on that longe? So
this is the sensation known as pain. Um, excuse me, um,
I can't find my mom. Oh, remain calm, miniature mammal.
(25:08):
We will, we will. We will alert someone who is
employed here and help him, and you will be reunited
with your It's been a long time. It's been like
a couple of days. You've been you've been stranded in
this retail show to Earthtie's perhaps that means we could
(25:32):
live here. Welcome back to the ship. I can't help,
but notice we have a guest. Have you made a
human family? We have not made a human body. With
their many ature mammal on the ship, we believe there
will be becoming. What did you say, do not miniature
(26:00):
its miniature mammal? Say it bombay lex miniature mammal. I
just went to the bathroom. Oh I did it. In
that beam of light over there, you'll find these tiny
mammals do excrete many liquids selling point. It's just something
(26:21):
to be concerned if you squeeze too much liquid out.
They seem to just lawlessly. What are you saying? Bomb lavelesslylessly?
I am sending different aliens next time. Look, Johnny, wake up. Yeah.
I hate to disturb your sleep, but I was admiring
you as you were dozing off and I couldn't help.
(26:44):
But notice you have Hickey's all over your neck. Now,
last time you had these marks, you said something about
alien abductions, and I'd let it go, even though I
know it was probably Suzette. Now it was alien. You
always say that, but they're there again. Yeah, the alien
can't enough of me, Johnny, I love you, Yeah, I
love you too. I also love me, and I don't
(27:05):
love these aliens with constant taking advantage of me, and
I don't like you pawing it out. Well, it's just
I mean, maybe I could see some aliens every now
and then. It's not up to me who they abduct. Okay,
if it could abduct you, I would let him do that,
because then they choose me most Fridays and Sundays. Well,
tonight is Sunday. I know. I'm so either I see
(27:29):
an alien or we're breaking up because I think you
you're cheating on me unless I see some proof. Fine,
I wander down to the box mort and I'll go
to that b mlada I always try to pee in
and then you'll see what happened. Okay, Hey, I love you.
I love you too, but I don't like you blowing
up my story like it ain't real, nous, They don't
feel like realness. It's really that hunt up with the areal.
(27:50):
Now you know where my pajamas there? Yes, you're right,
I don't have time to put on my normal outdoor sweats,
all right, don't forget me. I won't forget you. I
want to be with aliens, and I want to be
with you. You know you could come with me. That's
kind of what I was saying. No, no, I'm tired.
Listen Galactically. After six months on this this dirt water
(28:12):
planet Earth, six Earth months on this Earth planet, we
Bomby Lacks and I have discovered a few problems with
the fertilization process between our species. You just do the
next thing, yes, yes, but normal, normal human necks in
a Walmart scenario are too greasy to latch onto. I
had ate something that I found on the ground. What
(28:34):
did you eat? I don't know. I found something on
the ground. It was green and it moved like a
little five worms, like a rat king. But my baby?
What you ate? My baby? Bomby Alex. You can't leave
babies on the ground. Bombay, Lex, care of down now,
(28:54):
she ate it? You ate? You ate bomb Your legs
may know to incubate for five thousand years. All right,
I'm here to get this over away. Yes, here's the
human that we've been We've been attempting to latch onto
and impregnate latch on. Well, I'm trying, but as you
(29:18):
can see, he's stop crying. As you can see, there's
there's nary a place to grab onto. It's all coated
and rolls of fat in French fry Greece. Yeah, well
those those are the unsuccessful attempts to impregnate. Look like that. No,
it's not it. Let me tell you how it's done.
(29:40):
Goo uh sir, so, ma'am, thank you so much for
coming in. Um, we just really don't know what to
make of these x rays. You said you were complaining
(30:01):
of a neck pregnancy. Yeah, I'll pretty show my neck
gonna have something. Okay, Well, we have done an m
r I scan and first of all, that bulge is noticeable. Um,
where are you two at in the stage of your
relationship exactly? Well, I was hoping to engagement, but um,
I'm thinking maybe that's going to be have to be
(30:23):
put on hold because I though, sir, I am not
a doctor, UH do have medical opinions, And based on
the X ray I just saw, I'd say that looks
like a like a bitch sousette and idis I'm thinking
he's saying it's aliens and I'm thinking it's susette. That's
my opinion. Huh did I hear my name? Oh? Well, look, doctor,
(30:48):
she just walked in and trying to keep her outside.
You don't apologize for well, I mean I should because
it's my job to keep you in a different room.
Well guess what I got out. I got out there's
a disease. He's disease. Your your mouth out of man's neck.
Never you already have, can just I'm gonna score both
(31:10):
of your water. I'm gonna scure both you with water.
Al Right, everybody calmed down, alright because Jerry Springer relationships aside.
This is a really crazy medical mystery. And I'm gonna
have to notify the government, at least the state government.
I'm upset about it too. And I got he's giving
(31:31):
birth through his mouth. Warm wrecking man. I'm gonna need
some fire can you can you bring in some fireplace.
Don't kill that thing. That's a living creature. It's an
abominations because it probably came from Suzette. It did not
have come from Keep my mouth out of you, keep
(31:52):
the mouth out of your face, and you keep your
rat babies, your boyfriend's net babies out of my Can
I just keep it? I don't know here's a lighter.
Can I'll keep it before what I have to do.
What the doctor tells me. He's my boss. I'll be
honest with you. My first instinct was to murder this.
But you're a doctor that you're supposed to do no harm. Yes,
but to humans. Um, but does it say that? I mean,
(32:16):
that's something I wrote in But I'm thinking that, you know,
this thing should cease to be in some Oh my god,
oh god. Yeah. Okay, so Len, we're gonna need you
to take a bunch of pictures of this, maybe some boomerangs.
(32:36):
Why don't we burn Johnny? Because are we sure he's dead?
Is our way to tell I think we should burn him?
Why not? Why you're his girlfriend? That's right? Say that
again one more time. I'll say it forever you're dead.
Guy at a rathom out of his next girlfriend. That's alright, alright, fine, fine,
what what as long as we get enough pictures the
(32:57):
end of the state government about his baby Tyler? Yeah,
he's your rat king? About out? Why is he my
rat king? My king? Is Jesus to get the CDCR. Okay,
it's me, y'all hearing that? Okay a little here's me
(33:24):
Hi UM. Sorry, I'm calling from the hospital, you know,
the one where all the freaky stuff happened. Um, so
we had this, Um a man gave birth out of
his mouth to what can I can only describe as
a rat. Wasn't an up signed down woman? What do
you mean? Okay, hold on, let me check. It's a man.
(33:46):
I just looked at his penis and balls. That all men, yes,
and not that all men have a penis and balls,
but this one. I looked at his chart. He is male,
he does have genitals, and I did just check to
make sure it wasn't his nose, and that is different
that was on his mouth. And well it sounds like
you guys have it under control. Thanks. He's talking in
(34:07):
full sentences and now listen to him. Hi, I am like, well,
I'm gonna start with the people underworld and did I'll
move on to start one verse. I start with the
Bobby that you love so mad, Hi, I'm sorry, I
just I just called. This is a woman working from
the hospital where all the weird stuff happens. Oh, yeah,
(34:28):
you're doing a good job, don't I'm not. I'm not.
I need your help because the talking worm rat king
just gave a very thorough and detailed plan of how
he's going to destroy Maybe it's he. I don't know
he or she is going to destroy the world. You
don't know how to do that. And vagina in clob
(34:59):
on its head. That's my main thing. Are you on
the phone now, C d C said to a disease color.
Are you repeating me? And yes, I'm about a dream minute.
Oh my gosh, it happened so fast. You know, they
(35:23):
grow up so fast. You gotta neat kids. Do I
have kids? Yeah? Well I do, but they don't talk
to me. I should call them. Yeah all right, Well
thank you because if it goes to happen to them,
work forbid. But if something that you're so wise your
(35:44):
kids no matter. Right, you're right, and I'm gonna kill everybody.
You're right, Dad, A rat king told you to call me. Yeah.
I know it's weird, but I just wanted to tell
you I love you. Okay, Um, thanks for calling. That's it.
Don't you want to say you love me too? Yeah?
(36:05):
What if this is the last day? Why why would
it be the last day? No, rat king slim things
told me that, And I fucking looked your phone number
up and you don't even saying fucking love me back. Well,
I haven't heard from you in a while. I mean
I haven't heard from you. My phone has not been
ringing off the hook. I'm working at the goddamn c DC.
You could call me anytime you want everything. Okay, babe,
No it's not going good. Dad. Your dad called you. Yeah,
(36:29):
I didn't even know he was talking to It's my wife.
It's Virginia. You're married. Yes, I've been married for fifteen years. Dad.
He didn't even remember you were married. No, get invited
to the wedding. You were invited to the wedding. Dad,
you didn't make it. You said you had disease related
things to do. I'm gonna piss in this live stream.
(36:52):
Another human reached the spaceship. Hello. This one's in a
motley crew tanked up. I didn't know this was real,
but I guess it is. So since it's real, I
want to tell you something real. There was a little
baby named Tyler down there. He looks like a rat,
king metal worms one of that. He's doing terrible, terrible things.
(37:18):
That's it. I'm gonna go pisting this night dream. We
really should change the method adventurance, a lot of clean up, yes,
I mean delicious clean up. But maybe maybe the baby
to get born fastered down there. Well, Mombyles, you could
go take Tyler him as your own. Might tummy hurts,
(37:39):
Oh you know I forgot, Yeah, you wake my baby.
I'm sorry. I'm just I didn't not coming out. It
might come out your belly button. I don't know what's
gonna happen. No, I don't want to come out my belly.
But how how is like a big farm? It's a
(38:05):
talking far cloud. That's my baby. I don't know you
mamma h scientists get around what you were about to see.
Cannot leave this room. I will draw this curtain and
(38:30):
you will see two curtain. Charles. Not today, we're not
at your open mic. Charles had a great open mic, though,
if anybody wants to go check it out, I can
give you off off. I paid thirty bucks for a pin.
(38:51):
It is open mic. Last time you gotta show behind
this curtain are two D two spot? I mean I
think of some of them at home and then bringing
up I bet the women you date love that. Yeah,
(39:15):
that's awesome. All right now, all right, now back to business. Okay, um,
you're going to see two Well, we're calling them rat
king babies. Rat king babies. They're made of worms, so
don't get ahead of yourself. It seems like a bad name.
I'm not trying to note, but it seems like a
bad name. Come up from now and we just say
(39:36):
our kbs just short. I like that. Okay, here classic
face your eyes upon two r kbs having a conversation
right now, like a far cloud of who love me?
Throwing things. It does seem like they're capable of higher
(39:58):
brain fag. Yes they're speaking English, Yes they can hear.
They're taunting me. Yeah, I mean they're taunting like another
kind of roasting, almost like an apollo comedian. I was
going to say, the Tyler character r KB, he actually
has five. Check out this tep five. Okay, yeah, let's
let's be here. Funny thing happened. I'm away in traffic.
(40:24):
I saw this person and I like their brain. John
because he's an alien. Yeah, that's why KB grew up
to be Joe Rogan's the number two. Our final scene
(40:48):
is from Aaron who wrote, Hello Alchemis, I would listen
to your podcast is the beginning, and it provides some
much needed levity to my work day. Not to pick favorites,
but I especially enjoy Vanessa and James favorite. My scene
suggestion comes from my current work situation. A company is
pushing its employees to higher and higher productivity, including extra hours,
(41:11):
and everyone is getting understandably burnt out. There's one annoying
employee trying to keep a positive attitude. Can't wait to
hear what y'all come up with? Keep it up, Aaron
Dan Dan Dan hour sixteen? Yeah, man, sweet sixteen. What
is sweeter than a sixteen hour work? Damn? All right?
(41:31):
Howk honk? That's a horn I made up. I'm gonna
go get you guys some hot chocolate. I'll be right back. No,
I think I'm going to kill him when it comes.
I think, can you honestly do it? I'm gonna do it.
You keep saying you're going to do it. I'm gonna
to compare about going to your own conversation. I'm gonna
kill him. To kill him. You should do stop. You
(41:53):
always say you can do it. Do it. It makes
it worse when you say you're going to do it,
and then I get excited for you to do it,
and then you don't do. It's just your reminder you
need to be more productive. I'm looking through the glass window.
Look up here. Hey, you shouldn't be looking you should
be looking at the conveyor belt. Got you keep working,
love corporate. Kill her to stop saying that, what time
(42:16):
is it? Hot chocolate time? Chocolate chocolate. Oh, it's chocolate,
it's hot, it's hot chocolate. Here we go. Have one
that's for you, Tracy. And here, this one's for you man, Tracy. Here,
this one's for you, Joe. And this one's for you Nathan. Congratulations, guys,
you're doing great. Hot chocolate. Remember we're at the sixteen
(42:36):
hour mark. When we get to the twenty hour mark,
we all get to take a thirty second break. Stop.
It's hard for us to do conveyor belt work with
a cup of hot chocolate. And I'm sorry, I'm so look.
I understand, guys, I might be a little annoying because
I'm so cheerful, but honestly, outside of my job, I
want to kill myself. So so you know, just just
just give me a whole face. I could kill you, Okay, okay, okay,
(43:04):
I can kill you too, But you want to die,
don't you well, I mean work, work is a place
for living. Everything else is a place for dying. How
about you and me a t G t g I
Friday's Please, that's a white trash ruby Tuesdays and good
(43:25):
place to die. Hey, welcome to t G I Fridays
that too. Would you like sit outside or in the
murder section? Outside? Outside? No, definitely the alright, find the
murder section, but I'm not happy about it. Okay, there
is a fifteen minute wait for the murder section right now,
but I can see you immediately outside. Can we have
a drink at the bar while we wait? Yeah? You could?
(43:46):
You could? Great? Hi? Would you like something blue? Yeah?
I'll have a tall glass of blue curasoal with a
float of iced tea. Absolutely fun and it comes in
a signature novelty glass. You're damn right, it does. G
G IF What about you, sir? Knife? You go on? So, man, Tracy,
(44:09):
what's this all about? You're really here to murder me?
Or what's going on? And I don't well, I mean
maybe it's just it's got to be hard to be
that happy when you're that miserable. Well, no, you see,
I get to a state of tiredness, and I get
to a state of nihilism that breaks me into this
like new level of happiness. I could give a shit
(44:32):
about anything and nothing matters, including anything that we do
or don't do. So why not be happy? I wish
you could do that for me. What what do you mean?
I just am so miserable. I want to kill everybody. Well, listen, man, Tracy,
think about it this way? Empty? Can I call you empty?
All right? Listen, empty? You gotta think about this way.
God is dead and never existed, and there's no consequences
(44:54):
to anything we do on this earth. Yea over here? Yeah,
you don't. I don't want this parent anymore? Is that
my patron? Oh? That must be our table? Well, do
you know what? I don't really want to go to
the murder section anymore. Okay, but you're gonna have to
talk to the front the front guy about that. Talk
(45:15):
to the host, all right? Excuse me? Yes, yes, hello?
Can we just see the outside? We don't want the
murder section anymore. No, we were eating outside and there's
only one table left, and he just said we could
have it. Not, No, babe, partials are coming here, So
let's go to the murder section. I don't want to
come to murderous about what you want all the time,
(45:37):
because I'm supposed to be happy here, you're supposed to
be happy. Why don't you act happen? Why don't I'll
tell you why? Because you don't make me happy? Well,
patio could make me happy. Hi, guys, Sorry, my husband's
not gonna come to dinner. Right. You have blue all
over your shirt. You smell minty. Thank you, barbe. Uh.
(45:58):
Maybe we could all make each other happen tonight. Hum babe, Yeah,
I've been asking you for that birthday next month. Let's
do it, Okay, after dinner, after dinner, after dinner, delight,
how to go with the host? Where are we sitting?
Guess we're sitting on you know, Let's just let's just
go back to work exactly. It doesn't matter it does it?
(46:21):
Does it? Let's just go back to work. Let's go
in another sixteen empty, Let's put it on a sixteen. Well,
I guess, man, Tracy didn't do what he said. He
knew he wasn't. He never does it. Look at all
the jealous faces. They didn't get to go on a
ruby or to teach always get him confused, you know,
I mean I was getting confused. It's like my cousins, like,
(46:42):
who do I kiss first? I hate you. I hate you, girl, Tracy,
I hate you. Can I a girl not a woman? Girl? Tracy?
Can I can? I just can I call you g T? Yes, Okay,
I'm gonna tell you the exact same thing I told man, Tracy.
And that's especially for you because it's talk more working.
This is coming from corporate. Look up at the glass window. No,
(47:03):
let's looking more work. You're fired, alright, Guys that you
heard that. You heard the corporate god voice. It's time
to keep working. I mean, after all, working and making
money is the only thing that matters. It's the only
thing that makes any difference in linear time, which we're
trapped in. I'll be right back with some muffins. That
gun down, Joe. No, I can't for me. Man, don't
(47:26):
pointed at the glass ceiling. I don't know what's behind there.
I'm gonna fight out, but we're to see what's up there.
Corporates God, let's fight corporate man, Tracy. Girl, Tracy, well,
you just switched. You just switch in like two seconds
because when so As he caught that gun and I
was like, he means business should I fine? I guess
I'm looking in. Let's go, let's go. He's ready, he
(47:51):
guys ready, here's no going back from Okay, yes, okay?
Whoa OUCHI Hi? You're corporate. Uh, there's a bunch of us.
It doesn't seem like where are they? There are up stairs.
There's another floor you can't see from the outside, but
(48:12):
it does exist. And how come there's just two floors
on the elevator because we don't want anyone getting up
to Corporate Florida. Second, sounds like your voice is coming
from behind this curtain. No, no, no, no, please? What
the hell? Embarrassing sort of rat king made of Hey, guys,
(48:35):
I'm back with the muffins. Holy, oh my god, what
is that thing? My name is Tray or something, Tyler?
Oh my goodness, is that an alien life form? Can
you kill him? Can you? Can you execute this? Seriously?
(48:55):
Are you an alien life farm? Are you literally life
from another planet? My brother is in the Joegan explains
a lot about He's great by the way, and a
lot he's very polar righting to a lot of people.
I don't know, we know you're Joe Rogan t Shirt.
We know you like him. He's a provocat. Only a
(49:20):
lot of him as like a trash can Howard Stern
t g I F Police. Somebody left about closing up
there tab at the bar man, Tracy, it was him work,
which you work. I'll just keep working, coach Tracy. Tracy
have good news and I have bad don't. All right? Well?
(49:42):
Good The good news is that aliens exist, and that
means God for sure doesn't who. The bad news is
is that the t g I Friday Police forces here.
Apparently you didn't close out the tab before we left
the restaurant. But wait, I get so much to live for? Well,
I mean not really, no one really has that much
to live. I welcome to t g I Friday Prison. Motherfucker.
(50:06):
You like my what's that stuff called on the suspenders
at the buttons? No, Rock, you are to all your flair,
all right? You know you would like to flare. You
see you're like barbecue. Don't stop looking at us, Rock,
Just look at you. Look blade sharp, dude, you're yeah,
(50:40):
paper scissors things you can do. I'm just saying you
do this. Every time there's a new guy. You gotta
come in and do the thing to you practice like
for thirty minutes on us. You did it perfectly, and
then as soon as he comes in you just booft
it boost it. Yeah, he's a new fish, and tell
him about the Tilapia special. Right, come on, I can't,
(51:00):
you can't. I'm listening. I'm I'm I want to see.
Um oh my god, dude. Okay, we got it to
lap that we dunk in our prison toilet water and
over here, my dude is gonna fucking ship you with
our baby back ribs. You're so good grass, fetch ship
(51:24):
and there's desserts. Come on, come on, Rock Cake Rock,
don't cry, okay, Officer Rock. All right, look, you're not
(51:46):
really working out at the t g I Fridays. What
do you mean? Well, I mean it's just a simple
bit of things that you need to let all the
convicts know. Um. Well, no, they suspect that they're in prison,
but what they don't know is that you know, app
time is where after yard time, okay, and and that's
your job to make sure that they know that. Now now,
now we're we are incarcerating people here until their debt
(52:08):
to t JF Fridays is paid. But that doesn't mean
it can't be a fun, family oriented atmosphere, you know
what I mean. So just think of it, think of
what you do. Think of yourself as like an appetizer
sampler with a taser that you know, and you can
like you can either serve it up. You can even
serve it up nice with extra sauces, or you could
(52:29):
zap them right in the butt hole. Yeah, you see.
I think my problem is I went in too deep.
Sure I thought I was one of them, right, Yeah,
you don't. You want to keep the fences high? Okay,
all right? You know what? That gives me the confidence
I need to really say anything to anyone. Okay, Well,
I'm gonna pair you up. I'm gonna pair you up
with a new f t O, a new field training officer,
and that's gonna be um officer red over here. Um,
(52:51):
and I'm gonna call your an officer. Right, could you
come into my office please? Look, I'm gonna need you
to I'm gonna need you to f t O for
for rock here. What does Stanfield training? Why would would
you just say that? Okay? Because well you know, listen,
I know a lot of you guys only have experience
in the restaurant industry. But this is a prison. Okay,
so I'm trying to use the proper terminology. So you know,
(53:12):
we don't have experience in this. Why wouldn't you say
the thing? Listen, you've got an appetizer sampler and you've
got a taser. You know how to use both of you.
I eat the taser and I hit him with the appetizers.
You know what that second thought, Rock, I'm gonna get
a different officer in here too for you. I like
to read. Yeah I liked his spirit. Yeah, I liked
red too, but he doesn't seem go to the bathroom.
(53:33):
This is actually kind of perfect time because it's starting
to come out. Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna bring in
another officer in here. I'm bringing Johnson. Johnson. Can you
come in? Can you come into the office, Johnson. I'm
gonna needs you to fto for this new face Rock here, Johnson,
I'm Rock. Anxiety gets the best of me sometimes, but
I'm gonna try to place through it with your help.
But you have my back. I remember, guys, just smile, Okay,
(53:55):
just smile, whether you're tasering somebody or offering the money
rings make sure you smile, make him feel welcome, make
them feel under our control, completely under our control. Make
him feel like a product of the state. But make
him feel welcome. Yeah, okay, well, good luck guys, Thank you,
thank you Johnson? So how long you been doing this?
I've been doing this for fifteen years? Man, well you
(54:15):
must be a real pro, that's right. What do you
do when you can see the gray matter of anxiety
start to take over the floor and then your toes
and go all the way up to your body when
you choke on words and you don't know what to
say next? Bogo hallepeeno poppers. That takes care of him. Man,
what does bogo stand for? I won't get one, motherfucker?
Jesus Christ. You're good, You're good. You know what's up, yo, officers.
(54:40):
I'm scheduled to be released in the next twelve hours
after I pray from my Long Island nice tease from
eight e three. What do I gotta do here? First
thing you gotta do is shut your mouth, Johnson? I
got this good. Ah, you do it. And you gotta
choose here from a list of drinks I can get
you started with. Motherfucker, Wait a second, substitution. I'm supposed
(55:00):
to be reunited with my family. I'm flailing Johnson, help me,
help me? Oh man, do you think about it? Think
about it? Think it was on the menu? Man? All right?
All right, well, why don't I reunite your mouth with
some potato skins? Motherfucker? All right, right, go to flavor Fest. Man,
(55:22):
I guess I could use a bite to eat. It's
a long bus trap back to the city. Flavor Fest
starts today. That's right, Happy Hours starts now. Wait a minute,
flavor Fest starts today, and it's I'm being released today. Well,
how much supposed to you do it? Flavor Fest? You
better do something to stay in longer than should come yam?
And I mean, why why did I even drink those
(55:42):
long Island iced teas? All I did with some hands
stuff to take this steak nice? Alright, I'm gonna open
the cells. Okay, that's a gentleman named man Tracy, and
one of these cells. All right, you stick that steak
knife through his fucking guts. Man Tracy. He's that guy
that hated his job and loved his job, that hated
it again. Guy can't stop talking about it, all right?
Opening game I'm just a button, Tracy. Oh, he's not much.
(56:12):
Did you care how much I care about? Could you
try to touch the ceiling with your hands but flat footed? There? Yeah,
you gotta stand welcome mock honey, what do you mean
you're staying? Well, look, there was an incident earlier today.
(56:33):
I thought that I was going to be released, but
it turns out its flavor Fest, which is like a
fiesta of text Mex flavors. I know what flavor fest is.
Don't treat me like that is over? Wrap this up, happy,
I was over. I can't be with visitors any longer.
I gotta get back in. I'm not worth price visitation
to baby baby. You don't call me baby, sweetie, you
(56:55):
dirty half py honey, pry honey, cuddle monkey. You don't
you say cud sugar muffin? You want you say? Don't
you use our bedroom names and sweet fat lips? You
are everything to me I wanted. I want to slowly
suffocate and your sweet fat lips for a hundred years.
(57:16):
I gotta pay my debt back to t G I Friday,
so we can never be together again. But well, I
hope you enjoy never meeting your twins look, wait before
you go, don't don't go away mad. Before you go.
I made you this. I made you the swan out
of an old napkin. Oh my god, it's beautiful as
two heads. They called me the swan man of t
(57:37):
G I f is that why? There's sorry your husband's
not getting now. But you can work on the conveyor
light here. Serious, Yeah, you can get double time about
the nine day. So that's my deal as my husband
doesn't get out of prison and I get to work
at a conveyor but work. Yeah, in a lot of ways,
you're kind of bolted prison. Oh my god, I'll do it. Okay,
(58:01):
Well there you go. Just monitor here and I just
stand and look at the conveyor belt all day for nights.
And your twins can work here as well. They can
start togest dating. Still they're in your belly. Yeah, I'm pregnant.
Well if you swallow some of the products that the
sweet fat lips excuse yes, my lips got extremely fat
(58:22):
when I got pregnant. Not something to shame me about,
thank you very much. Yes, well then that's your answer. Yes,
And all I'm saying is why can't your children make
a couple of bucks while they're just stating because they
are six months in my tumu. O follow some product
and watch them get to work. Okay, Jesus, sweet products.
(58:51):
I hate that. You know when you make sense. If
you listen to this lot and slow it down, you're
gonna see all the connections Brains rights and Bernet sauce
in the third one, go around and say thank you
(59:11):
what you're up to? Brad Norman. I'm the voice of
Bowlwinkle Moose on Rocky and Bullwinkle on Amazon Prime. It's
a streaming service that also sells spatulas and uh, speaking
of Spatula's Twitter, I'm on Twitter and Instagram. You can
find me Brad Norman or Brad in Action or Beating Norms.
And I love you even though we don't know each other,
(59:32):
we're friends. Vanessa Raglin, I take a while to love
quick to like Vanessa Hope on Instagram and Dynasty Typewriter.
And if you're in l A comes to shows there
because it's lovely. And if you don't want to see
a show there, the only other option is to see
(59:52):
me this at West Side Comedy. Will there you go
first Sunday? The one Well, there are other options too,
pretty pretty pony bears. Supply it you ever limited in
l A. There's not a lot of entertainment, that's true,
Chris Alvarado. That's at Chris Albarado. For all you people
who were wondering westn Comedy theaters, see all the shows there,
(01:00:16):
because we're all in all of them constantly. It's true,
James Heaney. If you want to read more about me,
you can read the reviews of Alchemy this but I'd
like to clear something up, but one titled very funny
five star review love it can't This is great, but
this is what it says. It says James beliefs we
have the tech to land on the Moon, but doesn't
have the faith astronauts know how to use a camera.
(01:00:37):
Now that's not true. I believe that they might have
had a camera, but you know what the thing is
is there, it's just how would they get the cameras
outside to film them coming out. I'm not saying that
the Moon is a conspiracy, No, I don't. I just
think that it's possible that there was somebody else setting
up cameras before the astronauts got wait, hold on who,
I don't know what director of men on the moon, Oliver,
(01:01:00):
I don't know. I'm just saying that astronauts don't know
how to use cameras. I'm just saying they weren't the cameraman.
They've spent their careers learning about space travel doing this
in a while. So okay, and we have to move on.
This is we gotta wrap up here. But just just
just to clarify, you don't believe it's a conspiracy. So
you think they went to the moon, but you think
maybe Oliver Stone also went there. Listen, I'm just saying
(01:01:24):
that news Justin reviewed us five stars. Appreciate it, but
it is spreading slanderous things. I do believe know how
to use cameras. I just don't think they did use
the camera. We love it when people read us review Internet.
You don't even learn more about it. Visit James's room
with newspaper clippings. I'd like you to do this review
(01:01:46):
and tell the truth about James Heeney and still give
the nice five star reviews of Alchemy. This. I love that.
Thanks news Justin's the truth, all right, let's palate cleans
with Caroline Um. I don't do anything you can find
me on Instagram at cotter Poop, I could be convinced
that the moon landing is fake. Okay, let's oh no,
(01:02:06):
Hi'm at Cole Stratton or at Stratton, Cole and various
social media. Westie comedy pretty pretty punny, but also s
F Sketch Fest. It's coming up in January, nineteenth Annual
s F Sketch Fest, and I'll tip it a little bit.
Alchemy this will be there, so come and check that out.
That's our show for today. Let's thank our engineer Doug
(01:02:27):
Bam that's right, our post sound design artist Raphael Brito,
that's right. We encourage you all to write a review.
Tell everyone you've ever met in Debunk James Penis Theories,
that's right right to us at your name here at
Alchemy this dot com. That's your name here at Alchemy
this dot com. Until next time, he and all
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This I'm your
host Cole Stratton, who initially type out his name to
Coke Stratton, which is honestly better. Kevin is off collecting
seventeen cable as a word for Mazel, So I'll be
filling in today. Let's mean alchemist, shall we, in no
particular orders, say hello to the candy baron himself, James Heeney. James,
(00:24):
you didn't know, James, what's the worst candy out there?
The worst candy out there is God, I love candy. Uh,
you know what it is. It's it's it's a lot
of pressure root beer barrels that don't have anything inside
(00:46):
of him because you want them to have like a
gusher in the middle there. It is. It is straight
up rooper barrels on that. You'd rather have that than
a bit of honey or oh honey, the bit of
honey is pretty bad. I mean, I don't know. That's
a hard question. Cole. You a liquorice guy. Oh, I
fucking love liquor. Black liquorice. Red liquorice is for the birds.
(01:09):
You can use. That's an unpopular opinion. It's like even liquorice.
Liquorcio is black liquish. If it's not black liquors, it's not.
I'm just saying to be aware that that's a that's
an unpopular but there's there's opinions, and there's facts. Liquorice
that has to be black or it's not liquorice, it's
just red rope man. That's our show for Next up,
(01:30):
it's the Master of Disguise Vanessa raglan v. What's what's
the key for hiding yourself in plain sight? Oh, we'll
cover yourself in trash dub. Next up, he's a cunning
linguist who can do any accent poorly. Chris Alvarado, Chris,
(01:52):
what language do you wish you could speak? Spanish? I
mean my last name is Alvarado, my father's first language
of Spanish, and yet I can't speak Spanish. You can
get there, there's ways, no not in this city. Hey,
it's very available here. Do you hear sleigh bells? It's
(02:14):
probably because Christmas. Caroline Cotter is here. That's kind of nice, Caroline.
What's the worst gift you ever received? Oh? Boy, let
me think about that. Oh someone gave me um like
a DVD recently. I don't remember what movie was, but
MoMA doesn't have a DVD. I know that was bad.
(02:35):
If you don't even remember what movie, I suck. And
finally it's the King of the Junior High Dance Floor
Brad Norman Pot Brad, what was your favorite middle school jam? Oh? Man? Uh,
fast jam? Pour some show ground me slow jam? Okay,
(03:01):
slow jam would be um. It's so hard to say.
Goodbyte yesterday, it's a good one. That's a slow jam.
Remember the school. That's a good that is? I mean again,
that's so multi that song. It's just like, yeah, scrap
(03:23):
here but yeah Spotify listed. All right, Well, before we
get started, we would like to invite you all to
be v i P members and our new Patreon page
bonus episodes not available to non members. There's a phone
number just for v i P Shere you can leave
a message being a question or request or whatever and
(03:45):
we'll replay at our regular video q and as with
the Alchemist at Kevin's Place, which are only available to
v i P s. It's all kinds of cool ship,
so please join our super core fans by going to
Patreon dot com slash Alchemy. That's it's a simpler your
l than where to get that teacher? Last episode? All right.
All of today's scene suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails.
(04:05):
If you'd like to submit yours, please write to the
podcast at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at alchemy this dot com. Our
first scene comes from Jeff, who wrote, Hey, guys, I
am very excited to send this in. I am loving
your show. I am suggesting two or more extremely unassertive
polite beta gender non binary individuals struggle not to outdo, insult,
(04:30):
trigger each other while at Starbucks. I am whatever you say. Thanks.
My name is Jeff. I think that the scene suggestion
is okay, and kneel and the order please, I'm sorry
my name. I can't believe you just said that. I'm sorry,
I'm sorry. I'm trying. I'm training here today. UM give
(04:53):
me one sep with my manager. Excuse me? Are you
asking them their name? On want to lie? Yes? I
I asked their their name. These are regular customers. They
come here every single day. Oh that's the issue. Well you,
I can't believe you wouldn't understand that. I thought when
you started today you said that you understood how coffee
(05:13):
shops were. That's very easy to understand. I was under
the impression that you were saying that a name might
be a label and go further. Yeah, that's why. Because
everyone gasped, I'm so sorry. Never mind, this is easier
than I thought. You know what. I'm new here today. Um,
we'll come back over here, come back over here. What's
up there? I'm working on the phone machine. I'm sorry.
You know what, Maybe maybe you should take the register
(05:36):
for a minute. No, I'm fine. You're not fine. You
are going to get eaten by the dogs over there.
Wait dogs what? Okay, we don't but I don't really
call them dogs, but you don't know how how they
identify them. Do you want me on the register or listen?
I think I might have crossed the line. I'm going
to have to go to the back office and call
(05:57):
my supervisor and see if I've crossed a line, and
I'll finish up with this order here, stay on film.
Can I get any sound you'd like to make that
you know what? Just just put on the cup, put
on pa yes, play. This is tough here. Keep your
head down and keep your brain right, kid, I don't
know I don't. That's the thing. I don't know what's
(06:19):
right or wrong anymore. Well, talking to me is wrong.
It's a shop full of people. I'm sorry. Sorry, do
I not get to order? Look what you did? I'm sorry.
I just think it's kind of really funny in a
way that's not funny at all that you would ask
for WA's order and then don't correct me on my
own it was I was doing a silent key because
(06:41):
that's the way I identify. I gotta hand these keys
off over you. I've I've I'm so. It's it's as
simple as that. I've got to go. So long. Can
we reset? Look at six flow manager? Things about to
(07:03):
change your haund here? Okay, guess what you're out person.
I'm a customer, Yeah you are, But you were rude
to me and I got handed at spoon. You can
kick my best friend out of this start, you know
what I can, because I just got handed the spoon
with some keys on it. That's the bathroom key. I
thought you gave it to me before. You have the
(07:24):
bathroom key. That's why the spoon is so big. Listen,
this is a clear abuse of managerial power. You have
to make a drink from my best friend here and
finish up. My friendship doesn't come into this, by the way,
are you sure a customer is a customer? But you
keep reminding us your best friends and for me who lost,
(07:44):
maybe it's pretty triggering. Maybe you don't understand. Maybe you
don't understand what it's like to have a friend call
you and say I need some space. Maybe you don't
understand what it's like to have a friend from Desert Shield.
I mean we met in rock. Is that the one
with the yellow ribbon? Okay, okay, okay, we're all calm.
It's I'm not am Yeah, I swear to God. It
(08:07):
is getting harder and harder. Don't say God. In this establishment,
we do not recognize religion here. Hey, I am sorry.
I sent in a mental order ten minutes ago, and
I don't see it out here. How did you just
used your brain wage? I did. I sent it out
ten minutes ago. Because can you say what it rhymes with?
(08:29):
I'll send it to you now. Gosh coffee, whoa, whoa,
Oh my god, there's so much thought in the air.
Are you kidding me? Like, like, yes, you can't use
that much mental energy in this establishment. I wouldn't have
had to if you just picked it up when I
initially sent it. Well, you make a great, if not
(08:51):
confusing point. I'm the manager now, I just got a
big promotion. No one's taken the time to congratulate me.
But I'd like to comp your drink or snack that
you thought of. Okay, thank you. I very much appreciate that.
If you could communicated verbally, could really help the team. Okay, Well,
I want a grande a half cap mocachino that identifies
(09:14):
as a regular black coffee. Now, sir, um, I can't
just sell you a gun. It Uh, there's a there's
a there's a waiting period. Um, I can wait. You
look pretty down. I'm not down. This is like one
of the best days of my life. Really. Yeah, it's
like a really good day. No, I'm not crying. I'm sweating.
(09:36):
It's really hot. It's really hot. How much longer do
I have to wait? As a matter of fact, I
have I have people in the bag. You have to
deal with customers like you. On second right, we have one.
Oh yeah, okay, let me at him. Thank you, Hey, buddy, yeah,
here to get a gun. It's my birthday. It's my
favorite day of the year, and I just wouldn't get
(09:57):
a gun. Okay, Well, normally it's a store policy that
we don't sell firearms to people who are, let's say
so triggered. It's just kind of a funny joke. But
I think about it that way. Yeah, But but you seem,
well it's funny in like a pun terms kind of way,
you know, like it's sort of a play on where
it's guns triggers. Um, look, you seem pretty emotional. Would
(10:20):
you care to have twenty minutes of free counseling before
you purchase your firearm? Yeah? Yeah, it's a part of
a store benefit. And yeah, I can pay you up
with the counselor of your choice. Um, and you can
have it out with them, and afterwards you can decide
whether or not you want to whatever I want to say,
whatever I want. Why don't I bring them out? Hey,
counselor's come on out, make yourself alone. He gets to choose.
(10:44):
My name is Penny, and um, I'm a straight shooter.
And he's a graduate of the University of Arizona. And
uh and and this is Jeremy. Jeremy, what do you got?
I am really good to say, a leading what you
literally wanting inside? I don't like foreigners. Well he did
(11:05):
study at the Paris Institute for Intuition. Definitely not definitely
not in and this is bolka you slurping down money,
all right. She took a six week course for telepathy
for the Soft Paladin. I didn't know what the thing
(11:25):
about it was. I think it was still all of love.
So you have your choice here. You really have like
a straight shooters sort of advice. You have a sort
of American I don't want anybody that's sort of a
swishy French thing happening out here. Or you've got this
stage ly advice of this old crone. I'm only look
(11:47):
smy named from Ohio. Yes, yeah, I'm actually from France.
Oh okay, that all my gosh, I'm so sorry. Or
in story, but I don't know if we got time
for Yeah, of course we did. He tells it's good stories.
(12:14):
Hey everybody, it's nineteen one and we're in high school.
We're gonna go back ten more years. First story, she said, anyone, damn,
Hey guys, it's nineteen seventy one years okay, it's nine
eight five, and we take this awesome and we're in
(12:37):
a grocery store. But did you leave the baby in
the car? Baby? Here's our baby. I'm four years old.
And he left was the potatoes? Oh thank god, thank god,
it is hot in the car. It was hot in
the car. I got and then I found that, and
(12:58):
then that's that's about the potato. Stay by the potatoes.
I remember saying that. I thought, well, this was taking
a whole. Are they trying to lay me a game
the potatoes? Potato? Hi? I'm sorry, can I um? I
was just wondering if I because I kind of had
like five pounds um of potatoes I needed for a recipe,
and I had picked up your daughter initially with that
(13:20):
look like I was wondering if I could just check
her out. I mean, thanks for asking, because honestly a
lot of people trying to do without asking, and the
fact that you're talking crazy. Unfortunately, my my daughter, even
though she does sort of look like when she doesn't
identify as a potato, it's more like a being. But
(13:42):
I don't look a lot like a Tit also feelings. Lady. Yeah, hey,
I'm so sorry. I did not mean to walk into
your origin story. Uh do you know which I the
burnet sauces the end. Yeah, that's ill seven right by
the jams and jellies. Thank you very much, appreciate the hair,
those your choices. You heard her origin story. She looks
at a potato. I still don't know where she's from them. Yeah, okay,
(14:06):
we all have it Elgian stollies. He's not just hell
yeah of course. Alright. How much more longer do you
have to wait for my gun? Well it's still two
weeks and you are now seventeen minutes into your twenty
minute free Okay, okay, let's hear the next origin story
from the guy with the French accent for a while. Yes,
that happened. The yellow was nineteen ninety set, okay, you
(14:30):
got it. New Year's Eve? This to what happy bunch?
Don't you love? Oh no, I'm not having a bay.
(14:51):
Oh my god? Who brought that woman into labor at
our party? Jeremy, we do something about this. Well, let
me deliver us this baby. You push push right, Oh
my goodness, it's getting everywhere. I think I have changed.
My consciousness was the baby? The baby is not me?
(15:12):
And the baby baby and my baby is the consciousness
of a frenchman. So that's that origin story. That's Jeremy, Jeremy.
How much more time do you have? Ninety seconds left?
Nobody's got two weeks until it was just in line.
(15:34):
I'm also wanting to purchase the firearm. Would you like
the blue one? All right? So you want to hear her?
How are you from Paris? Okay? Well the year was
two thousand and eighteen. Everybody, it's the present day, and
that's kind of how my whole story happen. There, he goes. Yeah,
(15:56):
a bit of a mystery, that one, but full of
so much wisdom. So do you have up a gun?
I don't want that one to be my my therapist?
All right, Well, they can take a hike ball? Would
that mean to pick you up a coffee? If or something?
I just say, see I go to stopducks, pick you
up something. It could take days. You're gonna go to Starbucks? Yes,
I was about to make the line lunchtime everybody wants them.
(16:18):
All right? How about this? Oh my god, your nose
is bleeding? Did you have a gun? Of course I
do stand all the issues. Fue do me a favor gun?
That Starbucks? You know? You know what? You're probably right.
Everything's cool. I feel like we should gonna sell this
(16:39):
man a gun got a real joker movie period. Okay,
order up here. I have essence of coffee. Aroma is yes, there,
you are offensive coffee. Now. Um, we want to apologize.
I know we are route to you earlier, but we
are back in the swing of things. She take a
quick on line coursebacks stage. Yeah. I love this production
(17:03):
of Starbucks, so I love putting it on. We have
so much fun out here. I can't believe I one Starbucks.
So what can I get for you today? Um? I
would love your seasonal peppermint moca on it. Absolutely, guys.
I just heard that there's a talent agent from Freedo
(17:24):
l here today. Yeah, so if we want to start
Starbucks to be co owned by Friedo Lay, a huge
parent company. Okay, we need to make sure that today's
performance is the titties. But I also think it's important
to remember we don't need to go for the result,
just do our show. Us reacting is the show, listen.
I just felt that it was my job to let
(17:45):
you for sure. Absolutely, we love that, guys. I'm back.
What the hell he's got an A K four seven?
This is illegal? I wasn't supposed to have this right,
and I have that. Thank you, You're thanks um with
the good faith of that move. I'd really like to
get a reference from at least three of you to
(18:08):
get a gun. You're so a gun. This a K
forty seven was given to me. I don't, I don't.
I don't even know how to use an A K
forty seven. Places Starbucks places we can leather. Good morning,
(18:37):
don't bush, good morning, good morning. The day has just
to be gun. Wants Okay, how can I serve you?
Bringing up me a cappuccino? Line line line cappuccino? Sir, yes, sir,
(18:59):
right away? Yes, no, yes, yes, yes the customer, yes,
I freaking right away. Three. Production is terrible. James Fretto
and you sandral Asia leave immediately. Wait wait wait, wait wait,
It's my fault. What is doing. It's my first day
(19:19):
at this production and I let the nerves, my nerves
get the better of me, and it's been a crazy day.
Don't blame yourself. I it was my first day managing
the team, but I also let my nerves get the
better of me. It's my fault too. Listen, We're all human.
We're just trying to put on the best damn Starbucks
show we can remember. This is all a fever dream
of a seven year old. Okay, so let's just try
(19:42):
to do the best we can. Let'sten to the best
we can and try to get through it. Guys, pause, right,
let's do it, even Mr funk, I sucked up. No,
you didn't sucked up. Someone smacked me. You're good, someone
smacked me. Ow, I just need it's potato d hi,
(20:09):
I bet y'all you know what someone said to me
as a joke once. Listen, I won't chop you up
and make you chips. Are you sure they weren't flirting
with you? I don't think they weren't, because I ad
vomited recently about looking at me. But you don't identify
as a potatoes. So that's really a kind of insulting,
isn't it. Yeah, it's like a microaggression, almost a hate crime.
(20:33):
That is how Hamilton's was, And that's our first was
fishing for Frida lay acquisition. They weren't getting that seven
year old for that one. That's right, Thank you. See
(20:54):
two coaches from Dave who was not seven patriarch maybe
he is, and please you remember all of you pas
get first priorities, he suggestions that we do here, so
get those in thank you, sir. Straight Dave wrote, aliens
land on Earth, and their first interaction with humans is
when they walk into a low price big box retailer
like Walmart, Chicken his church. Dave, al Right, relax, try
(21:20):
to behave like normal human beings, and we will. We
will infiltrate them and impregnate them. Next here we go,
we corner box Mart. Are we supposed to hug you
on our way in? I was just gonna hand you
(21:42):
a basket or thank you? Thank you? Okay, here, sweetheart,
I don't give a ship kind of wine we get,
just get it and go. I know, but I don't
know if I want wet or white. They have rose eight.
Oh shoot, you're always drunk. It doesn't matter. Are you
(22:03):
talking about drunk? Right now? Our wine for breakfast? And
you sit that scope on the way in the mouthwash. Yeah,
I know what Scope is saying. I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to interrupt domestic interaction. You know what Bernet sauces
in in seven right now? Thank you very much. Okay, baby,
listen to this. I'm listening. Okay, get this. Yeah, I
(22:25):
just don't know who you one to catch observe your
next the gender roles forming between these people. Maybe they've like, Baby,
you can't say that you've gotten so much trouble for
saying that before. You point ed someone in the middle
of the store and you're like, they seem for it,
and you walk up to them and ask him a
crazy question. It's not gonna be a crazy question. Just watch, okay, fine,
(22:48):
was approaching Hello, Hello, Hello, fellow, do you speaking lishes
don't give me the okay signs? Baby, it's not hear you. Um,
we don't know what type of wine we should have tonight?
Could you recommend one? Can we recommend a wine I
(23:12):
permented alcohol beverage. Of course we can. It just requires
me to touch your neck with my lips. About scooter
through scooter, Look at this one, bodys, look at this one.
Cybernetic and must be she must be a boss. My goodness,
she as per godline y'all can't block an awe when
(23:35):
people with major issues that need scooters need to all
Every roll of her flesh goes all the way around.
She has so much us and teeth like a jack
o lantern. I want to clip my my lips upon her.
I want do you advise you against that from this
particular human? What are y'all talking about? We're talking about you?
Let me turn this thing around, back it up, turn
(23:55):
it around, my friend. I'm talking my friend Sammon, since
my friend Bobby Gary was wondering, Yes, Bobby Gary, Yes,
(24:17):
that Bobby Gary? Is it? My friend here? My friend
something called Bobby Gary. Oh no, I mean this, Bobby Gary.
You hit my hand. Well, anyway, my friend and I here,
we're about to have somewhat of an argument about you, ma'am.
He said that you were a seven, and I said
that you were an eight out of what four hundred million? Okay,
(24:43):
well that was smart ass. I'm gonna tell you something.
Come on down here, hey, can you'll stand right here?
Can you put your feet right on that longe? So
this is the sensation known as pain. Um, excuse me, um,
I can't find my mom. Oh, remain calm, miniature mammal.
(25:08):
We will, we will. We will alert someone who is
employed here and help him, and you will be reunited
with your It's been a long time. It's been like
a couple of days. You've been you've been stranded in
this retail show to Earthtie's perhaps that means we could
(25:32):
live here. Welcome back to the ship. I can't help,
but notice we have a guest. Have you made a
human family? We have not made a human body. With
their many ature mammal on the ship, we believe there
will be becoming. What did you say, do not miniature
(26:00):
its miniature mammal? Say it bombay lex miniature mammal. I
just went to the bathroom. Oh I did it. In
that beam of light over there, you'll find these tiny
mammals do excrete many liquids selling point. It's just something
(26:21):
to be concerned if you squeeze too much liquid out.
They seem to just lawlessly. What are you saying? Bomb lavelesslylessly?
I am sending different aliens next time. Look, Johnny, wake up. Yeah.
I hate to disturb your sleep, but I was admiring
you as you were dozing off and I couldn't help.
(26:44):
But notice you have Hickey's all over your neck. Now,
last time you had these marks, you said something about
alien abductions, and I'd let it go, even though I
know it was probably Suzette. Now it was alien. You
always say that, but they're there again. Yeah, the alien
can't enough of me, Johnny, I love you, Yeah, I
love you too. I also love me, and I don't
(27:05):
love these aliens with constant taking advantage of me, and
I don't like you pawing it out. Well, it's just
I mean, maybe I could see some aliens every now
and then. It's not up to me who they abduct. Okay,
if it could abduct you, I would let him do that,
because then they choose me most Fridays and Sundays. Well,
tonight is Sunday. I know. I'm so either I see
(27:29):
an alien or we're breaking up because I think you
you're cheating on me unless I see some proof. Fine,
I wander down to the box mort and I'll go
to that b mlada I always try to pee in
and then you'll see what happened. Okay, Hey, I love you.
I love you too, but I don't like you blowing
up my story like it ain't real, nous, They don't
feel like realness. It's really that hunt up with the areal.
(27:50):
Now you know where my pajamas there? Yes, you're right,
I don't have time to put on my normal outdoor sweats,
all right, don't forget me. I won't forget you. I
want to be with aliens, and I want to be
with you. You know you could come with me. That's
kind of what I was saying. No, no, I'm tired.
Listen Galactically. After six months on this this dirt water
(28:12):
planet Earth, six Earth months on this Earth planet, we
Bomby Lacks and I have discovered a few problems with
the fertilization process between our species. You just do the
next thing, yes, yes, but normal, normal human necks in
a Walmart scenario are too greasy to latch onto. I
had ate something that I found on the ground. What
(28:34):
did you eat? I don't know. I found something on
the ground. It was green and it moved like a
little five worms, like a rat king. But my baby?
What you ate? My baby? Bomby Alex. You can't leave
babies on the ground. Bombay, Lex, care of down now,
(28:54):
she ate it? You ate? You ate bomb Your legs
may know to incubate for five thousand years. All right,
I'm here to get this over away. Yes, here's the
human that we've been We've been attempting to latch onto
and impregnate latch on. Well, I'm trying, but as you
(29:18):
can see, he's stop crying. As you can see, there's
there's nary a place to grab onto. It's all coated
and rolls of fat in French fry Greece. Yeah, well
those those are the unsuccessful attempts to impregnate. Look like that. No,
it's not it. Let me tell you how it's done.
(29:40):
Goo uh sir, so, ma'am, thank you so much for
coming in. Um, we just really don't know what to
make of these x rays. You said you were complaining
(30:01):
of a neck pregnancy. Yeah, I'll pretty show my neck
gonna have something. Okay, Well, we have done an m
r I scan and first of all, that bulge is noticeable. Um,
where are you two at in the stage of your
relationship exactly? Well, I was hoping to engagement, but um,
I'm thinking maybe that's going to be have to be
(30:23):
put on hold because I though, sir, I am not
a doctor, UH do have medical opinions, And based on
the X ray I just saw, I'd say that looks
like a like a bitch sousette and idis I'm thinking
he's saying it's aliens and I'm thinking it's susette. That's
my opinion. Huh did I hear my name? Oh? Well, look, doctor,
(30:48):
she just walked in and trying to keep her outside.
You don't apologize for well, I mean I should because
it's my job to keep you in a different room.
Well guess what I got out. I got out there's
a disease. He's disease. Your your mouth out of man's neck.
Never you already have, can just I'm gonna score both
(31:10):
of your water. I'm gonna scure both you with water.
Al Right, everybody calmed down, alright because Jerry Springer relationships aside.
This is a really crazy medical mystery. And I'm gonna
have to notify the government, at least the state government.
I'm upset about it too. And I got he's giving
(31:31):
birth through his mouth. Warm wrecking man. I'm gonna need
some fire can you can you bring in some fireplace.
Don't kill that thing. That's a living creature. It's an
abominations because it probably came from Suzette. It did not
have come from Keep my mouth out of you, keep
(31:52):
the mouth out of your face, and you keep your
rat babies, your boyfriend's net babies out of my Can
I just keep it? I don't know here's a lighter.
Can I'll keep it before what I have to do.
What the doctor tells me. He's my boss. I'll be
honest with you. My first instinct was to murder this.
But you're a doctor that you're supposed to do no harm. Yes,
but to humans. Um, but does it say that? I mean,
(32:16):
that's something I wrote in But I'm thinking that, you know,
this thing should cease to be in some Oh my god,
oh god. Yeah. Okay, so Len, we're gonna need you
to take a bunch of pictures of this, maybe some boomerangs.
(32:36):
Why don't we burn Johnny? Because are we sure he's dead?
Is our way to tell I think we should burn him?
Why not? Why you're his girlfriend? That's right? Say that
again one more time. I'll say it forever you're dead.
Guy at a rathom out of his next girlfriend. That's alright, alright, fine, fine,
what what as long as we get enough pictures the
(32:57):
end of the state government about his baby Tyler? Yeah,
he's your rat king? About out? Why is he my
rat king? My king? Is Jesus to get the CDCR. Okay,
it's me, y'all hearing that? Okay a little here's me
(33:24):
Hi UM. Sorry, I'm calling from the hospital, you know,
the one where all the freaky stuff happened. Um, so
we had this, Um a man gave birth out of
his mouth to what can I can only describe as
a rat. Wasn't an up signed down woman? What do
you mean? Okay, hold on, let me check. It's a man.
(33:46):
I just looked at his penis and balls. That all men, yes,
and not that all men have a penis and balls,
but this one. I looked at his chart. He is male,
he does have genitals, and I did just check to
make sure it wasn't his nose, and that is different
that was on his mouth. And well it sounds like
you guys have it under control. Thanks. He's talking in
(34:07):
full sentences and now listen to him. Hi, I am like, well,
I'm gonna start with the people underworld and did I'll
move on to start one verse. I start with the
Bobby that you love so mad, Hi, I'm sorry, I
just I just called. This is a woman working from
the hospital where all the weird stuff happens. Oh, yeah,
(34:28):
you're doing a good job, don't I'm not. I'm not.
I need your help because the talking worm rat king
just gave a very thorough and detailed plan of how
he's going to destroy Maybe it's he. I don't know
he or she is going to destroy the world. You
don't know how to do that. And vagina in clob
(34:59):
on its head. That's my main thing. Are you on
the phone now, C d C said to a disease color.
Are you repeating me? And yes, I'm about a dream minute.
Oh my gosh, it happened so fast. You know, they
(35:23):
grow up so fast. You gotta neat kids. Do I
have kids? Yeah? Well I do, but they don't talk
to me. I should call them. Yeah all right, Well
thank you because if it goes to happen to them,
work forbid. But if something that you're so wise your
(35:44):
kids no matter. Right, you're right, and I'm gonna kill everybody.
You're right, Dad, A rat king told you to call me. Yeah.
I know it's weird, but I just wanted to tell
you I love you. Okay, Um, thanks for calling. That's it.
Don't you want to say you love me too? Yeah?
(36:05):
What if this is the last day? Why why would
it be the last day? No, rat king slim things
told me that, And I fucking looked your phone number
up and you don't even saying fucking love me back. Well,
I haven't heard from you in a while. I mean
I haven't heard from you. My phone has not been
ringing off the hook. I'm working at the goddamn c DC.
You could call me anytime you want everything. Okay, babe,
No it's not going good. Dad. Your dad called you. Yeah,
(36:29):
I didn't even know he was talking to It's my wife.
It's Virginia. You're married. Yes, I've been married for fifteen years. Dad.
He didn't even remember you were married. No, get invited
to the wedding. You were invited to the wedding. Dad,
you didn't make it. You said you had disease related
things to do. I'm gonna piss in this live stream.
(36:52):
Another human reached the spaceship. Hello. This one's in a
motley crew tanked up. I didn't know this was real,
but I guess it is. So since it's real, I
want to tell you something real. There was a little
baby named Tyler down there. He looks like a rat,
king metal worms one of that. He's doing terrible, terrible things.
(37:18):
That's it. I'm gonna go pisting this night dream. We
really should change the method adventurance, a lot of clean up, yes,
I mean delicious clean up. But maybe maybe the baby
to get born fastered down there. Well, Mombyles, you could
go take Tyler him as your own. Might tummy hurts,
(37:39):
Oh you know I forgot, Yeah, you wake my baby.
I'm sorry. I'm just I didn't not coming out. It
might come out your belly button. I don't know what's
gonna happen. No, I don't want to come out my belly.
But how how is like a big farm? It's a
(38:05):
talking far cloud. That's my baby. I don't know you
mamma h scientists get around what you were about to see.
Cannot leave this room. I will draw this curtain and
(38:30):
you will see two curtain. Charles. Not today, we're not
at your open mic. Charles had a great open mic, though,
if anybody wants to go check it out, I can
give you off off. I paid thirty bucks for a pin.
(38:51):
It is open mic. Last time you gotta show behind
this curtain are two D two spot? I mean I
think of some of them at home and then bringing
up I bet the women you date love that. Yeah,
(39:15):
that's awesome. All right now, all right, now back to business. Okay, um,
you're going to see two Well, we're calling them rat
king babies. Rat king babies. They're made of worms, so
don't get ahead of yourself. It seems like a bad name.
I'm not trying to note, but it seems like a
bad name. Come up from now and we just say
(39:36):
our kbs just short. I like that. Okay, here classic
face your eyes upon two r kbs having a conversation
right now, like a far cloud of who love me?
Throwing things. It does seem like they're capable of higher
(39:58):
brain fag. Yes they're speaking English, Yes they can hear.
They're taunting me. Yeah, I mean they're taunting like another
kind of roasting, almost like an apollo comedian. I was
going to say, the Tyler character r KB, he actually
has five. Check out this tep five. Okay, yeah, let's
let's be here. Funny thing happened. I'm away in traffic.
(40:24):
I saw this person and I like their brain. John
because he's an alien. Yeah, that's why KB grew up
to be Joe Rogan's the number two. Our final scene
(40:48):
is from Aaron who wrote, Hello Alchemis, I would listen
to your podcast is the beginning, and it provides some
much needed levity to my work day. Not to pick favorites,
but I especially enjoy Vanessa and James favorite. My scene
suggestion comes from my current work situation. A company is
pushing its employees to higher and higher productivity, including extra hours,
(41:11):
and everyone is getting understandably burnt out. There's one annoying
employee trying to keep a positive attitude. Can't wait to
hear what y'all come up with? Keep it up, Aaron
Dan Dan Dan hour sixteen? Yeah, man, sweet sixteen. What
is sweeter than a sixteen hour work? Damn? All right?
(41:31):
Howk honk? That's a horn I made up. I'm gonna
go get you guys some hot chocolate. I'll be right back. No,
I think I'm going to kill him when it comes.
I think, can you honestly do it? I'm gonna do it.
You keep saying you're going to do it. I'm gonna
to compare about going to your own conversation. I'm gonna
kill him. To kill him. You should do stop. You
(41:53):
always say you can do it. Do it. It makes
it worse when you say you're going to do it,
and then I get excited for you to do it,
and then you don't do. It's just your reminder you
need to be more productive. I'm looking through the glass window.
Look up here. Hey, you shouldn't be looking you should
be looking at the conveyor belt. Got you keep working,
love corporate. Kill her to stop saying that, what time
(42:16):
is it? Hot chocolate time? Chocolate chocolate. Oh, it's chocolate,
it's hot, it's hot chocolate. Here we go. Have one
that's for you, Tracy. And here, this one's for you man, Tracy. Here,
this one's for you, Joe. And this one's for you Nathan. Congratulations, guys,
you're doing great. Hot chocolate. Remember we're at the sixteen
(42:36):
hour mark. When we get to the twenty hour mark,
we all get to take a thirty second break. Stop.
It's hard for us to do conveyor belt work with
a cup of hot chocolate. And I'm sorry, I'm so look.
I understand, guys, I might be a little annoying because
I'm so cheerful, but honestly, outside of my job, I
want to kill myself. So so you know, just just
just give me a whole face. I could kill you, Okay, okay, okay,
(43:04):
I can kill you too, But you want to die,
don't you well, I mean work, work is a place
for living. Everything else is a place for dying. How
about you and me a t G t g I
Friday's Please, that's a white trash ruby Tuesdays and good
(43:25):
place to die. Hey, welcome to t G I Fridays
that too. Would you like sit outside or in the
murder section? Outside? Outside? No, definitely the alright, find the
murder section, but I'm not happy about it. Okay, there
is a fifteen minute wait for the murder section right now,
but I can see you immediately outside. Can we have
a drink at the bar while we wait? Yeah? You could?
(43:46):
You could? Great? Hi? Would you like something blue? Yeah?
I'll have a tall glass of blue curasoal with a
float of iced tea. Absolutely fun and it comes in
a signature novelty glass. You're damn right, it does. G
G IF What about you, sir? Knife? You go on? So, man, Tracy,
(44:09):
what's this all about? You're really here to murder me?
Or what's going on? And I don't well, I mean
maybe it's just it's got to be hard to be
that happy when you're that miserable. Well, no, you see,
I get to a state of tiredness, and I get
to a state of nihilism that breaks me into this
like new level of happiness. I could give a shit
(44:32):
about anything and nothing matters, including anything that we do
or don't do. So why not be happy? I wish
you could do that for me. What what do you mean?
I just am so miserable. I want to kill everybody. Well, listen, man, Tracy,
think about it this way? Empty? Can I call you empty?
All right? Listen, empty? You gotta think about this way.
God is dead and never existed, and there's no consequences
(44:54):
to anything we do on this earth. Yea over here? Yeah,
you don't. I don't want this parent anymore? Is that
my patron? Oh? That must be our table? Well, do
you know what? I don't really want to go to
the murder section anymore. Okay, but you're gonna have to
talk to the front the front guy about that. Talk
(45:15):
to the host, all right? Excuse me? Yes, yes, hello?
Can we just see the outside? We don't want the
murder section anymore. No, we were eating outside and there's
only one table left, and he just said we could
have it. Not, No, babe, partials are coming here, So
let's go to the murder section. I don't want to
come to murderous about what you want all the time,
(45:37):
because I'm supposed to be happy here, you're supposed to
be happy. Why don't you act happen? Why don't I'll
tell you why? Because you don't make me happy? Well,
patio could make me happy. Hi, guys, Sorry, my husband's
not gonna come to dinner. Right. You have blue all
over your shirt. You smell minty. Thank you, barbe. Uh.
(45:58):
Maybe we could all make each other happen tonight. Hum babe, Yeah,
I've been asking you for that birthday next month. Let's
do it, Okay, after dinner, after dinner, after dinner, delight,
how to go with the host? Where are we sitting?
Guess we're sitting on you know, Let's just let's just
go back to work exactly. It doesn't matter it does it?
(46:21):
Does it? Let's just go back to work. Let's go
in another sixteen empty, Let's put it on a sixteen. Well,
I guess, man, Tracy didn't do what he said. He
knew he wasn't. He never does it. Look at all
the jealous faces. They didn't get to go on a
ruby or to teach always get him confused, you know,
I mean I was getting confused. It's like my cousins, like,
(46:42):
who do I kiss first? I hate you. I hate you, girl, Tracy,
I hate you. Can I a girl not a woman? Girl? Tracy?
Can I can? I just can I call you g T? Yes, Okay,
I'm gonna tell you the exact same thing I told man, Tracy.
And that's especially for you because it's talk more working.
This is coming from corporate. Look up at the glass window. No,
(47:03):
let's looking more work. You're fired, alright, Guys that you
heard that. You heard the corporate god voice. It's time
to keep working. I mean, after all, working and making
money is the only thing that matters. It's the only
thing that makes any difference in linear time, which we're
trapped in. I'll be right back with some muffins. That
gun down, Joe. No, I can't for me. Man, don't
(47:26):
pointed at the glass ceiling. I don't know what's behind there.
I'm gonna fight out, but we're to see what's up there.
Corporates God, let's fight corporate man, Tracy. Girl, Tracy, well,
you just switched. You just switch in like two seconds
because when so As he caught that gun and I
was like, he means business should I fine? I guess
I'm looking in. Let's go, let's go. He's ready, he
(47:51):
guys ready, here's no going back from Okay, yes, okay?
Whoa OUCHI Hi? You're corporate. Uh, there's a bunch of us.
It doesn't seem like where are they? There are up stairs.
There's another floor you can't see from the outside, but
(48:12):
it does exist. And how come there's just two floors
on the elevator because we don't want anyone getting up
to Corporate Florida. Second, sounds like your voice is coming
from behind this curtain. No, no, no, no, please? What
the hell? Embarrassing sort of rat king made of Hey, guys,
(48:35):
I'm back with the muffins. Holy, oh my god, what
is that thing? My name is Tray or something, Tyler?
Oh my goodness, is that an alien life form? Can
you kill him? Can you? Can you execute this? Seriously?
(48:55):
Are you an alien life farm? Are you literally life
from another planet? My brother is in the Joegan explains
a lot about He's great by the way, and a
lot he's very polar righting to a lot of people.
I don't know, we know you're Joe Rogan t Shirt.
We know you like him. He's a provocat. Only a
(49:20):
lot of him as like a trash can Howard Stern
t g I F Police. Somebody left about closing up
there tab at the bar man, Tracy, it was him work,
which you work. I'll just keep working, coach Tracy. Tracy
have good news and I have bad don't. All right? Well?
(49:42):
Good The good news is that aliens exist, and that
means God for sure doesn't who. The bad news is
is that the t g I Friday Police forces here.
Apparently you didn't close out the tab before we left
the restaurant. But wait, I get so much to live for? Well,
I mean not really, no one really has that much
to live. I welcome to t g I Friday Prison. Motherfucker.
(50:06):
You like my what's that stuff called on the suspenders
at the buttons? No, Rock, you are to all your flair,
all right? You know you would like to flare. You
see you're like barbecue. Don't stop looking at us, Rock,
Just look at you. Look blade sharp, dude, you're yeah,
(50:40):
paper scissors things you can do. I'm just saying you
do this. Every time there's a new guy. You gotta
come in and do the thing to you practice like
for thirty minutes on us. You did it perfectly, and
then as soon as he comes in you just booft
it boost it. Yeah, he's a new fish, and tell
him about the Tilapia special. Right, come on, I can't,
(51:00):
you can't. I'm listening. I'm I'm I want to see.
Um oh my god, dude. Okay, we got it to
lap that we dunk in our prison toilet water and
over here, my dude is gonna fucking ship you with
our baby back ribs. You're so good grass, fetch ship
(51:24):
and there's desserts. Come on, come on, Rock Cake Rock,
don't cry, okay, Officer Rock. All right, look, you're not
(51:46):
really working out at the t g I Fridays. What
do you mean? Well, I mean it's just a simple
bit of things that you need to let all the
convicts know. Um. Well, no, they suspect that they're in prison,
but what they don't know is that you know, app
time is where after yard time, okay, and and that's
your job to make sure that they know that. Now now,
now we're we are incarcerating people here until their debt
(52:08):
to t JF Fridays is paid. But that doesn't mean
it can't be a fun, family oriented atmosphere, you know
what I mean. So just think of it, think of
what you do. Think of yourself as like an appetizer
sampler with a taser that you know, and you can
like you can either serve it up. You can even
serve it up nice with extra sauces, or you could
(52:29):
zap them right in the butt hole. Yeah, you see.
I think my problem is I went in too deep.
Sure I thought I was one of them, right, Yeah,
you don't. You want to keep the fences high? Okay,
all right? You know what? That gives me the confidence
I need to really say anything to anyone. Okay, Well,
I'm gonna pair you up. I'm gonna pair you up
with a new f t O, a new field training officer,
and that's gonna be um officer red over here. Um,
(52:51):
and I'm gonna call your an officer. Right, could you
come into my office please? Look, I'm gonna need you
to I'm gonna need you to f t O for
for rock here. What does Stanfield training? Why would would
you just say that? Okay? Because well you know, listen,
I know a lot of you guys only have experience
in the restaurant industry. But this is a prison. Okay,
so I'm trying to use the proper terminology. So you know,
(53:12):
we don't have experience in this. Why wouldn't you say
the thing? Listen, you've got an appetizer sampler and you've
got a taser. You know how to use both of you.
I eat the taser and I hit him with the appetizers.
You know what that second thought, Rock, I'm gonna get
a different officer in here too for you. I like
to read. Yeah I liked his spirit. Yeah, I liked
red too, but he doesn't seem go to the bathroom.
(53:33):
This is actually kind of perfect time because it's starting
to come out. Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna bring in
another officer in here. I'm bringing Johnson. Johnson. Can you
come in? Can you come into the office, Johnson. I'm
gonna needs you to fto for this new face Rock here, Johnson,
I'm Rock. Anxiety gets the best of me sometimes, but
I'm gonna try to place through it with your help.
But you have my back. I remember, guys, just smile, Okay,
(53:55):
just smile, whether you're tasering somebody or offering the money
rings make sure you smile, make him feel welcome, make
them feel under our control, completely under our control. Make
him feel like a product of the state. But make
him feel welcome. Yeah, okay, well, good luck guys, Thank you,
thank you Johnson? So how long you been doing this?
I've been doing this for fifteen years? Man, well you
(54:15):
must be a real pro, that's right. What do you
do when you can see the gray matter of anxiety
start to take over the floor and then your toes
and go all the way up to your body when
you choke on words and you don't know what to
say next? Bogo hallepeeno poppers. That takes care of him. Man,
what does bogo stand for? I won't get one, motherfucker?
Jesus Christ. You're good, You're good. You know what's up, yo, officers.
(54:40):
I'm scheduled to be released in the next twelve hours
after I pray from my Long Island nice tease from
eight e three. What do I gotta do here? First
thing you gotta do is shut your mouth, Johnson? I
got this good. Ah, you do it. And you gotta
choose here from a list of drinks I can get
you started with. Motherfucker, Wait a second, substitution. I'm supposed
(55:00):
to be reunited with my family. I'm flailing Johnson, help me,
help me? Oh man, do you think about it? Think
about it? Think it was on the menu? Man? All right?
All right, well, why don't I reunite your mouth with
some potato skins? Motherfucker? All right, right, go to flavor Fest. Man,
(55:22):
I guess I could use a bite to eat. It's
a long bus trap back to the city. Flavor Fest
starts today. That's right, Happy Hours starts now. Wait a minute,
flavor Fest starts today, and it's I'm being released today. Well,
how much supposed to you do it? Flavor Fest? You
better do something to stay in longer than should come yam?
And I mean, why why did I even drink those
(55:42):
long Island iced teas? All I did with some hands
stuff to take this steak nice? Alright, I'm gonna open
the cells. Okay, that's a gentleman named man Tracy, and
one of these cells. All right, you stick that steak
knife through his fucking guts. Man Tracy. He's that guy
that hated his job and loved his job, that hated
it again. Guy can't stop talking about it, all right?
Opening game I'm just a button, Tracy. Oh, he's not much.
(56:12):
Did you care how much I care about? Could you
try to touch the ceiling with your hands but flat footed? There? Yeah,
you gotta stand welcome mock honey, what do you mean
you're staying? Well, look, there was an incident earlier today.
(56:33):
I thought that I was going to be released, but
it turns out its flavor Fest, which is like a
fiesta of text Mex flavors. I know what flavor fest is.
Don't treat me like that is over? Wrap this up, happy,
I was over. I can't be with visitors any longer.
I gotta get back in. I'm not worth price visitation
to baby baby. You don't call me baby, sweetie, you
(56:55):
dirty half py honey, pry honey, cuddle monkey. You don't
you say cud sugar muffin? You want you say? Don't
you use our bedroom names and sweet fat lips? You
are everything to me I wanted. I want to slowly
suffocate and your sweet fat lips for a hundred years.
(57:16):
I gotta pay my debt back to t G I Friday,
so we can never be together again. But well, I
hope you enjoy never meeting your twins look, wait before
you go, don't don't go away mad. Before you go.
I made you this. I made you the swan out
of an old napkin. Oh my god, it's beautiful as
two heads. They called me the swan man of t
(57:37):
G I f is that why? There's sorry your husband's
not getting now. But you can work on the conveyor
light here. Serious, Yeah, you can get double time about
the nine day. So that's my deal as my husband
doesn't get out of prison and I get to work
at a conveyor but work. Yeah, in a lot of ways,
you're kind of bolted prison. Oh my god, I'll do it. Okay,
(58:01):
Well there you go. Just monitor here and I just
stand and look at the conveyor belt all day for nights.
And your twins can work here as well. They can
start togest dating. Still they're in your belly. Yeah, I'm pregnant.
Well if you swallow some of the products that the
sweet fat lips excuse yes, my lips got extremely fat
(58:22):
when I got pregnant. Not something to shame me about,
thank you very much. Yes, well then that's your answer. Yes,
And all I'm saying is why can't your children make
a couple of bucks while they're just stating because they
are six months in my tumu. O follow some product
and watch them get to work. Okay, Jesus, sweet products.
(58:51):
I hate that. You know when you make sense. If
you listen to this lot and slow it down, you're
gonna see all the connections Brains rights and Bernet sauce
in the third one, go around and say thank you
(59:11):
what you're up to? Brad Norman. I'm the voice of
Bowlwinkle Moose on Rocky and Bullwinkle on Amazon Prime. It's
a streaming service that also sells spatulas and uh, speaking
of Spatula's Twitter, I'm on Twitter and Instagram. You can
find me Brad Norman or Brad in Action or Beating Norms.
And I love you even though we don't know each other,
(59:32):
we're friends. Vanessa Raglin, I take a while to love
quick to like Vanessa Hope on Instagram and Dynasty Typewriter.
And if you're in l A comes to shows there
because it's lovely. And if you don't want to see
a show there, the only other option is to see
(59:52):
me this at West Side Comedy. Will there you go
first Sunday? The one Well, there are other options too,
pretty pretty pony bears. Supply it you ever limited in
l A. There's not a lot of entertainment, that's true,
Chris Alvarado. That's at Chris Albarado. For all you people
who were wondering westn Comedy theaters, see all the shows there,
(01:00:16):
because we're all in all of them constantly. It's true,
James Heaney. If you want to read more about me,
you can read the reviews of Alchemy this but I'd
like to clear something up, but one titled very funny
five star review love it can't This is great, but
this is what it says. It says James beliefs we
have the tech to land on the Moon, but doesn't
have the faith astronauts know how to use a camera.
(01:00:37):
Now that's not true. I believe that they might have
had a camera, but you know what the thing is
is there, it's just how would they get the cameras
outside to film them coming out. I'm not saying that
the Moon is a conspiracy, No, I don't. I just
think that it's possible that there was somebody else setting
up cameras before the astronauts got wait, hold on who,
I don't know what director of men on the moon, Oliver,
(01:01:00):
I don't know. I'm just saying that astronauts don't know
how to use cameras. I'm just saying they weren't the cameraman.
They've spent their careers learning about space travel doing this
in a while. So okay, and we have to move on.
This is we gotta wrap up here. But just just
just to clarify, you don't believe it's a conspiracy. So
you think they went to the moon, but you think
maybe Oliver Stone also went there. Listen, I'm just saying
(01:01:24):
that news Justin reviewed us five stars. Appreciate it, but
it is spreading slanderous things. I do believe know how
to use cameras. I just don't think they did use
the camera. We love it when people read us review Internet.
You don't even learn more about it. Visit James's room
with newspaper clippings. I'd like you to do this review
(01:01:46):
and tell the truth about James Heeney and still give
the nice five star reviews of Alchemy. This. I love that.
Thanks news Justin's the truth, all right, let's palate cleans
with Caroline Um. I don't do anything you can find
me on Instagram at cotter Poop, I could be convinced
that the moon landing is fake. Okay, let's oh no,
(01:02:06):
Hi'm at Cole Stratton or at Stratton, Cole and various
social media. Westie comedy pretty pretty punny, but also s
F Sketch Fest. It's coming up in January, nineteenth Annual
s F Sketch Fest, and I'll tip it a little bit.
Alchemy this will be there, so come and check that out.
That's our show for today. Let's thank our engineer Doug
(01:02:27):
Bam that's right, our post sound design artist Raphael Brito,
that's right. We encourage you all to write a review.
Tell everyone you've ever met in Debunk James Penis Theories,
that's right right to us at your name here at
Alchemy this dot com. That's your name here at Alchemy
this dot com. Until next time, he and all
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com