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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This back again
filling in for Kevin Pollock is me Cole Stratton. Kevin
will be back as soon as he's done shooting. She's
all that too. She wasn't all that, but was most
of that, But this time she'll be all that we promised. Well,
it's a long title. Yeah, Well was working. I have
to meet today's Alchemists. Kicking things off as a guy
(00:22):
who was kind but didn't rewind Craigski, Craig, did you
ever forget to return a video to a rental to
a store? Well, I just ended my Netflix DVD membership
after eighteen years, and they want three DVDs that I
had lost in two thousand one back. They can't survive
(00:42):
without a hardcounts literally. Uh. Next is a man who
swears Muppets are real, Chris Alvarado. They are Chris. Who's
your favorite Muppet? I don't really know him? Muppet real Leo?
I don't know with them knowing that in respect, Thank you, Chris.
We gotta say you're leaving us for a bit. I
(01:05):
am This is my last episode for a while. Headed
to New York, which is exciting to do a play
off Broadway. Come see that play. It's called hashtag date Me.
How some people see it, it's I don't really go
to hashtag date me dot com or something like that.
Maybe I don't know. It's at the west Side Theater,
which is interesting because I do all my shows at
the Westside Comedy Theater in Santa Monica. Universe has big
plans for you, and now I'm doing Hashtag dat Me
(01:26):
at the west Side Theater in New York City hashtag
the show. Do you have to have two hashtags? Then?
Don't ask me crazy questions something a muppet question. I
don't like this anti momente al right. Next up, she
once set Candy Man and Bloody Mary up on a
date by saying their name is a bunch into a mirror.
Vanessa L I just love love be. Do you believe
(01:50):
in ghosts? Sure? Cool? Next up, A Man a Plan
a Canal, Panama. It's James Heeney. James, what's your favorite word?
Fuck it? Really? I really like that word, but in
an exasperated fashion. Well, I wanted to not curse. But
it's really one of those words that I feel good
(02:12):
when I say it, where I get all the bad
out when I say it. Yeah, it's very satisfy. That's nice.
And finally, four time runner up for James Madison, Junior
High Vice president Joey Greer. Joey, what platform will you
run on next time to finally secure you that position?
Free soda. Alright, well, now that all the pieces are
(02:33):
in place, let's get to our first scene. Guess. All
of today's scene suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails.
If you'd like to submit yours, please write to the
podcast at your name here at Alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at alchemy this dot com. Hi,
here's the first one. Hey, cast of Alchemy, this big
fan of the show. Please keep doing this forever, forever.
(02:54):
Never I mentioned this podcast to people I know often,
here's a scene you could try, a high powered business
negotiation and something including billionaires. Maybe thank you for your
great work, everybody. That's great. Now, look I get it. Okay,
do you get it? I get it. If you get it,
I get it all right, And I'm offering right now
(03:14):
one time deal. Oh really, okay, four tons of lumber.
I'll take it to my people. Okay, good, we are
her people. Let us look at this contract. Okay, looking
through a bill. What do you think about? Okay, bill,
deals off, deals off, we're back. I'll say that. My
(03:36):
people will tell me, and then I'll tell you I
heard your people say no, no no, no, no, honey, that's
not how it works here. You know what's funny about
this is that it's funny about this. Rafael. Your people
are the one speaking for you. So what do you
do here? Maybe it's what do I do here? Oh no, no, no, Raphael.
You shouldn't be talking to my people because I own
them and if I catch them talking to people that
(03:57):
are not me and they're in big travel. Okay, on,
how is the deal back? On? Tons of um really quick? Everybody.
The pilot of this jet says he needs to land soon,
so we need to figure this out soon. Okay, Okay,
(04:17):
you don't need to scare me, Chrystal, I didn't mean
to you. Okay, So we have a new deal, We
have a new offer. We don't have a new deal.
Nothing in here about international rights. Off, I'm sorry, but
there's nothing in here about international rights. Do another loop
to loop pilot? Nothing in there about international rights? Yes,
this is lumber, you understand that. No, I don't lumber.
(04:40):
Isn't something that gets international rights. It's would I think,
why even be Raphael's people if he never consults us?
He never consults us. This is this is ridiculous. He's
making us weight in the tiny bathroom. This. I don't
even think that. I don't know. I couldn't even use
the bathroom in here if I wanted to busy. We're busy. Hey,
(05:01):
we're the other people. We've been sent to the bathroom,
so can you let us in? This is a small,
single surf bathroom. Use if this bathroom is off? So
it's just me and you, Ralphie, I guess it's just
you and I guess it's just the two of us
while our people take a tinkle break. So are we
(05:23):
doing a deal? Trying to are you really? Are you really? Oh?
I've missed you know, I haven't. I haven't missed you.
We haven't missed each other. I don't know how to
do the captain speaking. We are running low on fuel,
so please make up. Sorry Champagne, Please you still open
(05:49):
the cork with your feet. I like that. Oh do
you got all my toes? You know? I'd like to
offer another proposition on the table. Okay, wait, let me
pull my trade table down so there's round. Or should
I put my trade table up to show you my thoughts? Wow,
they are strong. Yes, I don't. I'm scared. I don't
think we should be just driving around in circles. We
(06:11):
gotta lamp this thing they pay us, captain police. I
know that they're paying a you know as well as
I do. If we stay up here in the air
for five more spins, we're going to crash land. That's
for sure. We might crash land. But there's a deal
to be made today. Do you know this deal involves
billions of dollars. I don't really care, because billions of
(06:32):
dollars doesn't matter. If my family doesn't have a daddy,
you won't have a family if this deal doesn't go through.
What it's that big billions? So we get an island, Okay,
I'm listening. All right. We build several pyramids, all right,
those pyramids a line with certain stars, and we pretty
much form a collective that worships those ideas that we're presenting.
(06:55):
I love it. It's it's Egypt all over again. No, no, no,
it's fine. The first Pyramids game, that was the first
Pyramids game. We do that again, because you know what
pyramids games make money to the one in on the
mom's love multi level marketing. They can't get enough, they
can't get enough. I don't know. I don't mean I
don't mind being a people. You know, I feel like
sometimes my thoughts get in. Then you're obviously better off
(07:18):
than we are, because I don't think Rafiel is taking
a single one of my Hey, you are his people, okay,
you know like I went to negotiating school, went to
negotiating school, and we're ready to help. Done. Can we
please go back in? Okay? Hey, guys, guys, don't forget
(07:38):
that not only are you his people, but you're your people.
Maybe go out there and let him know you think so,
you think he'll respect us March, I'll give it a shot. Okay.
So what I'm hearing is so excuse me, Raphael? Yeah?
What's yeah? I didn't call for you. What's going on?
I fail? Maybe you'd like to consult with your people.
(08:01):
You gotta keep them in line. Give me a second,
Give you a second, Give me a second. I can't
give you a second. There are billions on the loss
a second. Then pull me another glass of champagne while
you've talked to your pon hard to pour my less flexible.
What's going on? It's just we've been with you for
(08:22):
seven years now and you've never ever once consulted with us,
and that gives you leverage. Don't you understand if you
look like you could walk away from the deal, you'll
get a better deal. All you have to do and
look at this piece of paper that I've just been
playing mash on. But because it makes you look stronger,
you know me. You never consult us? And how what
are you doing? I'm twisting your I get back in
(08:47):
the bathroom and I don't want to hear from you.
I'll call you. It's a big mistake. So here's the truth.
We've got one more loop left and then this plane
is going down, So maybe you might want to walk
back there and often to hurry up. Either way, I
don't want to sound like a downer, but if you're
saying we've got one more loop and then we're going
to crash, we don't got time to loop. We gotta
(09:07):
go down while we got gas. What all right, I'll
go back there. I'll go back to Golden Goose, the
Dallas for the world. We uh, we got one runway
orright it for you, but you gotta land now otherwise
it's seventeen other planes coming in Golden Goose. Here is
this is this? Chuck? Yes, Jock, Chuck, Chad, Oh my god, Chad?
How you do man? Guys? So listen, here's the deal.
(09:30):
We've got a negotiation up here. Oh we're talking billions
billions negost So you know as well as I do.
If we land this plane, we're all screwed. Yeah, yeah,
I understand that. Well, I'll keep everybody here on alert.
Thank you much, um guys. Co pilot Steve, I got
bad news. We've only got one here or something. Yeah,
(09:51):
here a fart? Yeah, so we're running out of gas,
so you're gonna have to wrap up this negotiation. I
don't think that was it could be paid more. I'm
a copilot. This wasn't an invitation for you to come
(10:11):
and kick it with us. So why once you get
back into a little boiler room of yours and drives
little ship? Okay, by bye bye captain. I think they
got the message. Terrific. Well, we got about a half
a loop left. I hope this works out for both
(10:32):
of us. You know, we're gathered here today to celebrate.
I guess celebrates the wrong word. But I guess celebrating
is one way to put the passing of two of
our pilots. Um. I'll say celebrate it. I'll say celebrate.
Can I speak please? Yeah, go for it. You see,
(10:53):
these pilots died for a good cause. If I'm ever
in a position where I have to pilot a negotiation
and I'll also die, mark my words, I will also
go down. Okay, anybody else would like to speak, I
understand this is a little of celebration, So Tiffany, I'm sorry.
(11:17):
If you're going to speak, please make it audible. We
don't we just don't know what you're saying. We'll just
have a seat. And when you when I was a
good friend of the palace and they plane crashed coming
in towards the Burbank airport, kind of tight landing, there
(11:39):
a lot of turbulence. It can be very difficult. But
I just want to let you everybody know, to have
a great funeral and enjoy the rest of your day. Interesting,
So are you are you also passing up peanuts? Is
that what you're doing? That's right? Okay, I'd like to
also say that this is great. I had my choice
of funerals and I'm glad I chose this one. Guys,
we have a we have appreciate it. We have a
(12:01):
little video we gotta play for everybody before this funeral
gets going. So why don't we just all sit back
and if you could just turn off your phone for
a second, make sure they're on airplane mode, and let's
just want some hold on. I can't understand what you're saying.
So your loved one just died, believe it or not,
(12:22):
there are dead. Put you and enjoy the funeral. We putter. Okay,
that was way shorter than so as your people, Um,
we think, we just think that maybe it's time to
(12:46):
what are you saying? I think it's time for a
deal or no deal or no deal? The TV show
what I'm sorry? Deal or no deal? The TV show?
That's some one? The how Matt Look, we're gonna die
and I'm fine with that, but I just need you
to we won't die. How's that We've got the life raft?
(13:09):
That's right, we secured a life raft before. Who negotiated that?
I did? That's my man? I don't I feel left out? Well,
you weren't around. There's a life raffort two. I see,
I'm supposed to mention that we're just going to let
that happen. When I see Champagne, Champagne, I'm back. I'm
(13:31):
back back, welcome back. So we don't have a deal yet,
but if you put two more billion on the table,
I think we could maybe tons of number and plus
two billions, plus the island plus the pyramids a little background.
I'm not gonna pay you two billions. I'm gonna get
the money. Excuse me, your f il can I word
(13:53):
for a second? God, Oh my god, I will call you.
What what do you want? Look, my dad died six
years ago on one of these things, and I went
to negotiating school so I could come here and prevent
this from ever happening again. And we got one lap left,
one lap left. You make this deal, god damnit, or
I'll make it for you if you ever talk to
(14:13):
me like that again. Ever, I'm gonna give you all
right like that. Now, what's this happened to your dad speaking?
We are headed straight straight into the shut up. He
was a pilot on on a flight six years ago.
That was the biggest deal that we've known the art
of the deal, you know what I'm talking about. And
(14:34):
so he died in vain in some people's eyes, but
I think he was a hero. So that's why I
vowed I would close every deal from this part on.
Is anyone else's hair going up? As if we're building now? Yeah,
I'm kind of just keep talking about talking about it anyways,
bullet points hero deal to make this deal now so
we can all go home alive. Pretty much all there
(14:59):
is to its make the deal. Please. I'm happy to
take anybody out in the water, But that area right
over there, that that's cursed. Deals don't get done in
that bard of the water. Deals just kind of get
lost in the sea over there. I think we can
make a deal there, but I don't know. I'm just
I'm happy to take anybody out there, but it just
it's the dead man's deal zone of the of dead,
(15:20):
like the Bermuda Triangle for deals. Yeah. I didn't want
to say that, but yeah, why didn't you want to
say that? Well, you know copyright. Well I think I'm
up for it, all right, anybody else or just just
you just me? Okay, Um, well, you're gonna make a deal.
With yourself. You know, I've lost a lot lately and
(15:42):
I need to reckon with myself. I need to make
a deal with God, and this seems like the right
place to do it. All right, take me to the
deal zone. All right, it's really not that far trip.
We're here. God, you plug your ears, sir, God. H
(16:06):
f Almo. Listener. Wow, it's Bianca feeling a little guilty
about the plane crash. Feeling a little guilty about the
plane crash, wondering if we could do a deal to
get me you know where. I'm sorry, I'll step in here.
I'm representing God now, so we had to find out
this way beyond my God. After everything we went through.
You're representing God. I'm gonna have to ask you to
(16:28):
not say that now. A little respect, please, of a
little respect from the man. Okay, I mean God, you
saw what happened. Talk to me, Just talk to my people.
Oh you you are my people. I'm chosen. I'm one
of the chosen ones. Well, good for you. How do
(16:50):
I get in on this. Let's just do the deal.
I save you, We saved each other. You owe me. Well,
take a look at this contract. I can't I need
to show it to my people. Well, where are your people?
Where are your people? Hell, negotiators, I hope you can
(17:12):
work a better deal for yourself down here. Uh, let's
make a deal. You make a deal. Let's make a deal. No. Yeah,
that's the thing though. You'll never agree on a price point,
is this, David? No? No, no? And that's how business
has done everybody. All right, here's our second one. Hey.
(17:38):
I've been listening since day one, and I'm a huge
fan of your show. You keep me chuckling on my
long drives. I drive all over northern California for work,
and this helps make the time more enjoyable. I work
indirectly for the state and I keep dealerships compliant with
registering cars they sell. I'm basically a mobile d m V.
I would love you all to create a scene that
takes place in a d m V. Can't wait to
see a live performance some day. If you come to
(17:59):
say Francisco or Sacramento, I'd be there for sure. Keep
up the good work. Alex Halverson, Pollock, Pines, California. Thanks Alex. Number.
Excuse me, I'm just in line. Were you about to
give the number out? I'm sorry, sir. Give me your
number back. You're gonna have to forfeit your number, sir.
(18:21):
There you go, thank you. All right, here's your new number.
Thank you. Oh it's higher than what I had before. Yeah,
you're gonna be here for a while. You were tempering
with the number. What's your number? My number was that
on a little piece of gum you gave me. It
was not gone. That was a little piece of gum, paper, gum,
(18:44):
that was paper. I apit number. Okay, uh, do you
have any idea? What the number? For four hours waiting,
I'm not supposed to do this, but I'll make an
expension to be called. I have the gum stuck in
my throat. I can still drive, I can still see.
(19:08):
I'm sure you can. But it's not up for me
to decide. Here. You come with me, and I'll bring
you right over. I'll bring you right over. My niece says,
it looks like my eye also covered in Elma's glue.
But this still I'm sure they are. Frank, Frank, before
you go to launch, could you please help this old
woman out? I could you help her out? She swallowed
(19:30):
her number. Okay, I'm right in the middle of taking
the picture, but we'll take his mask off. Sir, you're
gonna have to take your mask off while taking this picture.
I don't take my mask off for anyone. See he
keeps doing this. I'm happy, Batman. I'm sorry. Do you
not know who that is? Batman? That's him? Yeah, I'm
so sorry. Okay, let the man go. Jesus, he's a hero.
(19:56):
I'm sorry. I just we have no mass policy, and
the here of this city eats. Yeah, to take the picture.
If you know the guy, you take the picture, I'll
help her. I'll take the picture. By the way. Yeah,
great steak last night. Sir, you're probably wondering why I
pulled you over. You're going about a hundred and thirty
down Central Boulevard here, hitting every car on the way.
(20:18):
What's wrong with that officer? License and registration please? I'm Batman, yeah,
and I'm silver surfer. License and registration please. Our universe
is doing cross off him. I'm waiting, Uh, I'm sorry
looking around for it. Um. Can I just get out
(20:40):
of the car. Do I have to stay here? Stay here? Robin,
stay here? Boy? Wonder whatever, sir, is that your ward?
This is my ward? Okay? Bert, not fucking related to him?
Or anything, but I need you to stay seated there, please.
Oh my god? Oh kay? Uh? Where I had I
(21:03):
had the registration? Where was it? I don't know. I
just saw that money you didn't give me. All right,
that's not the time of the place to talk about
later at a more convenient time. There's never a convenient
time for you. Look this bullshit. I'm sorry. I just
stopped the joker from blowing up a football stadium. Can
(21:25):
I get a pass here? You know I'm not supposed
to just doing my job as you're doing here. Do
you understand that? Right? Yeah? Alright, say what, I'm going
to give you a warning. I'm gonna write this stuff.
I'm just gonna writ this up like a fixing ticket.
Just go get the tail light changed on the batmobile here,
so I have to go to the d m V.
You do and get a new photo while you're at it.
All right, Well, alright, alright, but I'm not taking my
(21:48):
mask off. All right, you'll take that bad signal, all right,
have a good day, he can. Ma'am. Man, you're eating
the entire ticket number tape stuff. Why did you give
it to me? I didn't give it. Your pulling out
of the red So that's what my fingers were doing. Well,
(22:09):
I'm still able to drive, Frank, I'd like can set
one sec. Obviously I didn't recognize Batman, right, Okay, I
think and just follow me here. I think that person
over there, that old lady in quotes, is actually a
bad person, a bad guy. It's a woman. No, No,
(22:31):
I think it's a disguise. Okay. I mean if Batman exists,
then surely his enemies exist. Right, I don't even know
what you're talking about here. If you really think so,
our hold her shoulders, you tug your head by the way.
By the way, how did you what kind of rubbs
that in the stage? It's just black pepper and lemon juice?
(22:52):
Just all right, here we go. I think she's fine
to day. Yeah, you have a good day down here.
Excuse me, I don't like this picture. Can we take
(23:13):
another one? Batman? Batman? Of course, we can fit you
in really quick. Yeah, fake, it looks really nice. It's
a wonderful foul. I'll think you should use it from
now all alright, My my butler likes it, so I
guess I'm okay with it. Before you head up, man,
can you inspect this body, this lady who's dying. Does
(23:35):
she remind you of anybody? Is she an enemy of yours?
An enemy of mine? Yeah? Who are your enemies? Joking?
So that's maybe maybe she's the penguin. She's not the
big one. Could you look closer? Man, I'm tired of
waiting the fucking car. Shut the funk up, Robert, I'm
tired of waiting in the car, all right, and you
know what, I'll take care of him. Get off of me,
(23:57):
Come out and get off of me. Going down, get
off of me. I want to drive. I want to drive,
and I want you to dress up for dinner tonight.
Oh funk that. I'm not gonna wear short shorts. I
want to drive. You'll wear shorts as short as I
tell you to fuck up? Let me give up? Hello? Hi?
(24:19):
Does Batman live here? How did you phone a cave?
I just asked God to point the way. Something bad
happened and I need his help. All right, Well, you
discover it to me and I'll run it up to ladder.
My grandma is was a wonderful person, and the bad
(24:41):
people at the d m V killed her, and I
need some The cops don't believe me because I called
them all the time. I had this real active imagination. Anyway,
that's a long story. At your name, son, Jay Jay.
Let's see you bowling. Let your falling, grandma. Oh, we'll
take this up to Batman. Thank you, sir, thank you,
good luck. We will ofvent you. Thank you. I don't
(25:04):
want any more wine. I have another glass. I don't
want any more. Can I get you anything rose for
I don't want anymore want a gatorade? Yes, they are,
Thank you very much, and not for any of the reason.
(25:26):
Then I sweat a lot. Thank you very much. Thank you.
Oh my god, you're a little tents. Yeah, I am
a little time. I need your background. I can off
of me for shit. So it feels very good. I
mean I didn't think you could top the steak. If
I'm being honest, Well, I'm not sure that I can
or not yet. I don't know. This park looks great.
(25:49):
Do you want any more salent? Hey, Hi, it's gonna
see you too. Would you like any more talent? Yeah?
Please could sell it? You got it? Would you like
any talent? That would be great? All right, I just
gotta run out. It's probably gonna take me two hours.
Perfect a perfect god. Want to dry? I want to
fuck you? What? No, no, no, no, non't me. I'm serious.
(26:11):
We're not just friends. I love you. We have two
hours to get can I get? I forgot my keys,
so you hurt? Your keys are hanging on the key hangar,
I know, I know, I just look. I gotta go
over to Bermuda's, get out the salad and come right
back a few hours. Awesome, we have two hours. We
(26:32):
have two hours. I can test this love to see
if it's all I think it can be. You have
to tell you a secret. I'm listening. My wife cooked
a steak in the pork and she's going to be
tossing the salad. I see. I just wanted to get
you here, and I wait, don't go, don't go. There's
(26:53):
so many other things than just cooking food, and I
need to just grab my umbrella before I leave. What
are you doing the penguin? So what do you think
of the rose? It's pretty, it's nice, nice full body.
I guess I don't know. My palate isn't developed enough
to really appreciate it. Well, develop your palette, I just
(27:15):
can't excuse Sorry, Okay, do you like work here for
you knew here? Do you like? Work for them? I
work for them. I'm here because I'll have to forward something.
What what can I stay and listen? Sure the penguins.
(27:36):
He's back. He's more jovial than usual, but he's back.
He's super happy, super like. Okay, took his umbrella out
and he started springing around and then said he was
doing it all right. Well he's super happy. Hi number
forty two. Yeah, great, So you're here just for to
register your vehicle. Oh, don't don't tell me what I'm
(27:57):
here to do. Okay, I'll tell you what I'm here
to do. I'm just at the form. So they're just
looking at the phone. Well, the form says I'm here
to register a new vehicle, right, yeah, okay, terrific information. Okay,
first government buildings, the first name, first name. Ye, I'm
not going to give you that. It's part of it, sir.
(28:18):
Oh you just get all my personal infant. I don't
believe that. No way, Just register my goddamn vehicle. I
gotta go. Let me just reach over and grab my
umbrella really quick. All right, he ll batman that wake up.
(28:39):
We got the penguin. He hit, He hit the d
m V. He hit the d m V. Yeah, what
what happened? It took money? Or up the building or
good morning? Was she sleeping in the bathroom. I don't
know where she slept. I don't didn't sleep that much,
but I did sleep in the bathtub for a minute. Cool,
So you hooked up with the girl that I told
(29:00):
you I had feeling. You don't know. You don't know
what you're feeling. I'm feeling. I don't know what I'm
feeling like because I don't know. It seemed like you
and Batman were together. You were getting massages from them,
you wearing those short short I didn't know you were
into me. I don't know why would you be in me.
I'm just like Batman was like, hey, Barbara, Wow, I
(29:23):
didn't expect to see you here at the d m V.
I'm so sorry about ted you out for that salad.
And then somebody came into something awful to both of us,
really both of us and I just barely made it
out alive, and of course I had to come back
to work. So that's why I'm here. You know, I um,
it's hard for me to come in here and and
uh talk to you, but I just want you to
(29:46):
know that I've filed a restraining order against you, against me.
I just can't see you. I didn't do anything. I
didn't you didn't, of course you didn't. I just can't
see you, you know, because I remind you of Ted.
So I brought over goodbye salad? And is that steak?
That steak in there? And there's a Southwest funeral tape
and there for you if you just want to take
(30:08):
a look at that, Barbara, look at me. I gotta
tell you a secret that I'm the penguin. Say again,
you whispered it, penguin. I can't hear you. I'm the penguin. Bam,
wake up? Wake up? What are you sleep in the kitchen?
(30:30):
Fell asleep? Standing up? Sorry? Just having me getting a
lot of sleep lately. Why? Why is that guilty? Good?
Are you serious? I think we're in love? Oh my god, Batman,
didn't you tell me? I always tell everything to rub
the first? Excuse me? Mash the white what is it?
I'll call your suit Reddy and the bat wing is
few up. The DMVs of a rum by comical Villains. Great,
(30:53):
I guess we got to go to work. I'll just
hold down the floor. Right, we're gonna register the batmanbile
while we're there. Oh are we? Ye? Great? I'll fold
up the appropriate phone's fault. You said, thank you all
for you the best? Okay, number two six four, that's me,
two six four, that's me Okay, And what can I
(31:16):
do for you today? I want to reregister a vehicle. Okay,
reregistered terrific soda. Now it's filled with high fruit dose
corn cereal. Just stop drinking that ship then I'll just
have a gator right there. That's worse. Okay, Batman, you'd
like that's to rain today? I think so he's got
a weird umbrella. Bamew what's going on with that umbrella? What?
(31:41):
What that's in your business? Okay? What's your middle initial?
What do you talk like that to me? It's just
that's part of the Today has been a weird day.
Nobody wants to give me their information. Okay, at least
the last four of your social place last for social Okay,
my year, because I we're not there yet, Oh gotcha? Okay, terrific.
(32:03):
We want a candy bar or something. I don't want
a candy bar, but okay, uh, in order to reregister
this new vehicle. You're gonna need to take a new
vehicle reregistered the vehicle part of me. You're going to
need to take a photo with your closest and personal
love loved one. Only one person, please the government dot gov.
(32:26):
You know what I mean. You don't have to pick me,
just one person. You want to get in a picture
with men Robin. Robin really wants that. He wants it
too much. You have a dollar? Can you see in
my office for a one second? Here? What's up? What
are you doing such a poor job on before? I'm
(32:46):
I'm you're a villain, but you still work for the DMV,
And I'm conflicted. I don't know, I don't know what
to do? Bin your bin? Ye? What's my plug? Was? World?
I took up a job here and I take pride
and what we do? How do you balance work life
with work life? Honestly? I help him quite a bit
(33:09):
of calendar man, And once you have at all organized
very well, you can do a lot. Have you organized
your life with a calendar? I have not. I'll tell
you what? Do we all share the same foes in common? Batman? Yeah,
of course he's the worst, but you still have to
serve him. Until the trosaction is Dad makes sense, So
(33:30):
keep back out there and clothes that dear, don't pinch
my butt. Okay, have you chosen your photo partner? I
just want to make sure Robin's okay with it. I
just want to wait around. Fine, ask him. They didn't
have any mars bargum, we miss you. Um. So there's
(33:51):
this thing that the d NB, the government has to
take a picture of pat Mos like his closest personal
love one and um, it's gonna leave one person. And
we're just like, I'm not sure if how we were
going to go about that, because like you really importing him,
But like I mean, do you want to say to meything? Ah?
Do you want to get him the picture with me? Oh?
(34:12):
Yeah you do? Yeah I do. Sorry, baby man, step
out of the frame. Place, step out of the frame,
out of the screen, move away from their frame. It's
me the penguin, Batman. Do you know who else is here?
(34:33):
Baine and calendar man? Batman? Who the fuck is calendar man?
I've done? He was part of your world. My word,
I don't know that like a penguin. I do. Now
watch quick quick, So what do you want to do?
Let's get the picture taken first. Let's take the picture,
(34:54):
then we'll fight fair enough? Can I go side by
one to three? It? Sorry? You can't smile? What one
to smiling? What am I supposed to do? Just stare blankly?
One too? Sorry? I smiled that time. The new direction
for Batman the DC universe is taking is terrible. I
(35:17):
don't know. I'm really glad they brought Calendar Man back
in though, because he's one of my favorite filings, because
you created him. What Yeah, we all know, huh what
you created calendar Man, James Heeney, We know you created
calendar You never read the Long Halloween? Come on, James,
James the best comic everybody. James, dude, you create You
(35:40):
made that up. You're going to burn in hell and
we all are going to our final scene for today evening. Guys,
I have a scene for you. I think it'd be
pretty funny. I once had a friend in an undergrad
(36:00):
who cheated through his bio chem degree and basically paid
his way into medical school. I'm a pharmacist, studied hard
all throughout and even this is challenging every day. I
can't imagine how difficult and downright dangerous it would be
if I cheated. Please help us to see a day
in the life of a new physician out on their
own for the first time in the medical field, who
has cheated and bribed all through their college path up
(36:21):
to this point. I listened to the podcast every day,
and you guys have made Tuesdays and Thursdays the best
weekdays in my book. I often try to picture what
you look like making these hilarious voices while creating the show,
So please post a video of yourselves recording the show.
Thanks for the last. J B. Garcia dr Um. I'm
so sorry to interrupted. We just need those reports back
(36:42):
as soon as possible. It's not a big deal, that's all.
We just need to diagnosis. It's the Manilla folder on
the top of my desk. It's got the stamp that's
his top secret. Uh, it's just a joke, but that's
the report. Okay, great, Okay, So this is for a Menendez,
it's for everybody they've had this week. Oh, I'm sorry,
I'm just looking for well, I would just go to
(37:04):
the M section. I'm sorry, are you not familiar with
how my reports are written out? I kind of am.
It's it's not as a fluid, I guess, or as
traditional as the rest of us do it. But you
know you're top of your class, a student Harvard, Yale,
and Princeton graduate. Amazing, So I trust you so well.
(37:26):
I don't want to have to embarrass you in front
of everybody. So I would just get the report and
say thank you and then walk away with it. Thank you,
Thank guy. There, Hi, I have a sore throat. My
doctor gave me this prescription to fill um. He also
said you could talk to me about like any any
side effects or as a sore throat. Well, you're probably
(37:46):
gonna get coughing. I would say, medication erupt me. I'm
a doctor. I'm sorry, Sorry, You're going to probably have coughing, uh,
and the side effects of the sore throat redness in
your mouth. What are you doing behind the pharmacy window? Doctor?
What are you doing at the pharmacy It was just
supposed to know, you're supposed to be in yours. I
don't want to embarrass you, but there was there was
(38:07):
a moment of just empty desk and I wanted to
make sure it was filled, so don't I had to
sign up. I had to sign up. The said pharmacist
will be back in a moment. Okay, well I'm that well,
I didn't want to have to shame you, so I'll
let this. Aren't your options? Okay, high five tag you're
tagged in, Dr Trhillo. Yeah, okay, you know what the
nipple cancer you said? I had cut off both my
(38:29):
fucking nipples and apparently that's that's not even a thing.
What are you talking about? I got a sick in opinion.
Apparently isn't even a goddamn thing. Nipple cancer is not
a thing. No, if so, you want to have your
nipples or moves, Yeah, listen, I'm a tattoo artists. Okay,
I'm not a body part removal guy. But if you
need it, you need it. Yeah, I got I don't
really got much health. The scan, Uh what was that?
(38:52):
The slave the scan? I don't know what the first
part of that that she said. She's saying the ray,
Oh sir, I don't comment that either. Okay, you mouth
yourself nipples. I was looking at those plumpers. I'm sorry.
I just got the horrible news. Raise your shirt. Yeah yeah,
what was that news exactly? That I have nipple cancer? Yeah? Yeah,
(39:15):
well then that means we can't use these nipples. After
we cut them off, I can use them for stuff,
all right, don't worry about it. Raise your hands over
your head. Please sing your favorite song. Oh, tell the
news it turns. I'm sorry, Dr Trio. You say I
(39:41):
have bad bones? Yeah, you're bad to the bone. How
much time do I have? Not much? Unless you turn
things around? How would I do that? Well? How about this?
Why don't you sit down really quick? Let me pour
you a glass of milk. All right, all right, you're
(40:02):
not lactose intolerant, am. Yeah, it's very well, you know
what it's really Sometimes medicine has adverse effects. Just drink
this cup of milk. It's just so weird. It just
came in with bad headaches and bad bones. Well, bad
to the bones, bad to the bone. George thoroughgood disease.
(40:22):
I don't know the scientific term, but I know what
I'm looking at here. I've heard of it. At biker
friend of mine had that. He he died really young. Really,
only the good die young. I don't have Billy joeld disease.
I hope. Yeah, So, I mean that was that was
the case that I had today. I mean, you guys
know that. I mean, I mean we've been doing if
you're that's away, doctor teeth right right, r teeth. The
(40:53):
Muppet muppets are real? By muppets are not real, it's not.
He's a brain surge and he's also a comedian. Also,
I also happened to be the break room barista. So
coffee is ready? You call yourself a breefe that when
it's in this press. Okay, quickly, I have a serious question. Absolutely,
(41:16):
you guys are my first friends. So I'm wade. Let's
have a moment for that. Thank you, well, thank you,
thank you very much. It's true. I mean I spend
more time here than I do with my wife. That's
definitely true. I mean, as you know, when you're a doctor, doctor,
is this going to be a really full time chop?
What's that? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, comedian? Is it an
(41:38):
open door? How many honors do you guys got to
plug a week? Twelve fourteen fifteen sixteen bars of that?
That's not that day day, day, per day. I'm glad
you're here. Actually it's true here right, yeah, I know
we haven't spent much time together there, but your doctor
(42:00):
and I heard I read your file. Yeah, you know, congratulations,
pausing your transcript around insane. Yeah, so it's about my wife,
who you heard me talking about earlier. Oh yeah, everyone
here knows her status best. But I'll tell you what.
When I got the email saying that we got this
(42:20):
new doctor in here, I was like, there's my hope.
You know your specialties are her last hope. So really, yes, absolutely,
and you know we're all best friends here. I love it.
We can say that thank you, and it's going to
mean so much to all doctors if you save her.
Maybe you should take a look at her charts and
see that would be great here. Oh wow, I honestly, doctor,
(42:48):
I got to take my California state break. I've been
working for four hours and then it hates a break.
Oh no, no, no, that's not for doctors. Yeah, that's
for servers, waiters. Okay, well, I'll take a quick glance
at it. Thank you look like Seduko. Uh, it's just
I don't think you know what Seduko is. It doesn't
look like that at all. It doesn't. This is all writing,
(43:11):
is it? A gridful of The numbers one through nine
really are funny, by the way, quick tip invest in
eight I'd really like to get a better look at
this later, But my gut says that you're making a
bigger deal a lot of it than it is later.
I got a triple bypass at four thirty. I could
really use an assist. Dr Siegel still out, so you
(43:32):
would mind joining me on that. I'll pass on that too.
You didn't ask me to do it? Why didn't you
ask Schlemming to do it? Slimy. I just thought it'd
be good. Do you know? Try by fire for being
your bypass. Fine, it's it's not fine, it's we're just
best friends. Yeah, this relationship is important to you. Yeah,
you don't give the new guy the bibe? Whatever and true?
(43:54):
Hello you you claimed to with study under Porkinson. It
at Harvard, right, I don't know why is your brain?
So Parkinson is actually doing some rounds here. We can
get him in, you know, I'd love to just see
Porkinson and try here, you know, reconnecting. I've never seen
(44:15):
anybody that's what. It's Porkinson. There's Parkinson. It's your old
students here. Porky, remember me. You put the file down?
Why is it coming in your face? I just well,
I trying to stop. Why do you have all the
masks over your eyes? Student? Yes, he graduated just six
(44:38):
months ago. Est is there a doctor your I don't
want to call it. Does anyone else want to? I'll
call it? He's dead? Oh he's dead. He's not dead.
He's not dead. Mortist. Guys, trust Trio. Trust. I think
(45:03):
we could save him. Maybe I can help. Oh my god, man,
wait up, your shorts are bleeding. Goddamn it, we've lost him.
I told you, guys, no one ever believes me. All right,
(45:25):
let's take you to your appointment. Robin. Oh my god,
I don't, sir, you're getting hanging out of your shorts. Yeah,
I know you have to get these general a wards
looked at? Well, is here? Trio is specialist. You said
you're expert in general awards. Can we just go to
a room or something flopping on the table? Put it
on the table. Wow, let's tiger than. My thought was
(45:48):
going to be, Oh my god, covered in warts, but
impressive doctors. Would you say he's normal? No, well I
got these warts. I'd say he's above average. I'd say
he's above average. Well, but you're also I mean, we're
not addressing to all the wards. Oh, the warts look weird.
(46:08):
I've seen a case of this before. Robin. Were you
hooking up with supervillain Madam Frog? No, no, Robin, I
don't have to say that. We've all been there as doctors.
We have all been there. I mean, when you're a doctor, doctor,
m who who cares? It's not a matter of caring.
(46:28):
It's a matter if there's one anecdote that can, you know,
take these words down. But to get that anecdote, we're
gonna have to hear you admit in front of your lover. Anecdote. Oh,
I meant antidote. No, but we gotta tell a little
I can tell the story, but there is a story
that st No, no, no, the antidote will make the
words go down. But this story would make you understand
(46:50):
where the antidote came from. It. It'll also make us
more relatable. I just want the antidote. I don't care
what the story, anecdote, the antidote. Oh you want this story? No, no,
one just give me this series the nineties. Um, you
know everyone's at clubs right, this is pre you know
we're doing the good stuff, even real stuff. Can I
(47:13):
check your I D doctor? Can I check your I
d I'm a doctor, stethoscope, thank you. One thing led
to another, and then so you cared me a story
about the bouncer into and it's a time when doctors
(47:37):
could get in. Come back, batman, don't leave. Look if
you want the antidote, it's it's around her neck, it's
in that vial. Can I please have it? Well, oh
my god, we just need you. Oh who are you?
It's me the doctor? Thank you? And so what the
fund is the story about? Well, because I left my
(47:59):
I was like, did I leave my brides on? And
so I went back out and then I had to
go back in. She's a doctor. Just go with and
trust me to reveal on who the bouncer is. Is
worth it? All right? Oh what's your name? What's your name?
Marcus Kerner? And I actually went to high school. That's
(48:21):
an amazing anecdote. That's really great. Irony of irony. Something
for the vending machine. Yeah, gatorade. They don't have gatorade.
You're kidding me. They have gatorade. Just give me a
soda that I'm gonna get your bottle of water, I asked,
(48:42):
Sorry to interrupt. I'm a different character, no doubt, about it.
Just found out one of you doctors here is a fraud. Frog.
Maybe they gave the war a fraud. What do you
have that umbrella? Pals? That rang up? It's about to
(49:03):
be raining. I didn't hear that on the news this morning,
raining blood of a fraud frog. They're saying, frog, one
of you is a fraud and that one can raise
your hand if you're actually a doctor. My hand goes,
hand up. Doctor, you're a doctor. I'm going to repeat
(49:25):
this this time. Don't lie, okay, real will be this.
Why would I lie about me? Femish? Who are you?
Who are you? Doctor? Stevenson's a riddler? Oh that's a riddler.
I need a dollar? What riddler? Are there? Multiple riddler?
(49:50):
My pockets are too tight, I can't reach in. Well,
what's your dick so heavy? That's right, I've been posing
as a doctor this entire time. Oh, I can't believe it.
I told you my whole life story. You're one of
(50:10):
my best friends. You looked at my wife. Riddle me this.
Why would I do that? If not to get to
know each of you better and keep you, treat you
with family so sweet. I just got a text she's dead.
Who oh your wife. Oh god, my kid just texted
me all caps mom and I get it. Mommies, Bye bye,
(50:36):
Mommy's so it was as serious? We thought, Well, I
told you to take more of a look later. But
now you said you said it wasn't serious. I said
that my gut says stuff, but I'd like to look
at it later. Here. Let me let me just help.
You're not not leave. Hey, No one's gut would steer
them that wrong. What No doctor's gut would steer them
(50:57):
that wrong? When that man's wardy, bean, I'm gonna put
the penis down. I can fix this. I don't mind.
Get your mouth away from that penis. You kiss it
and make it. Let him try. Okay, and see now
this is all I'm gonna be fine. Guys, I'm a ductor.
Your lips are swelling, you it's not swelling. Should we
(51:21):
get Parkinson's corpse down to the morgue? By the way,
and that's our show. Our famous catchphrase porks has ended
so many scenes. Batman was about to walk in on that. Well,
(51:44):
that's our show for today. Let's thank our alchemists plug stuff.
Chris Alverado, Yes again, I'm at here for a little while.
I love you all so much. Come see me off Broadway.
Hashtag date me at the west Side Theater. Thank you,
I love you. Oh nice, Um, I'm just around town.
Come to Dynasty Typewriter. Follow us on Instagram, enjoy the
marquis art that we do and have a great day.
(52:08):
Yeah Greg hashtag hashtag date Me's that request? Please? Yes?
James Heny on Twitter, you can find me at the
Heat and I'd like you to use that to watch
the newst episode of This Rusher Thing with John Bolton.
Hell yeah, nice. Joey Greer at Jeffy Grieber on Instagram.
(52:32):
And every second and fourth Wednesday at nine o'clock at
Westside Comedy Theater. Bear supply nice. I'm Cole Stratton. You
should come see a lot of us in Pretty Pretty
Comedy Theater. Most of us are in that. It's the second,
uh first Thursday of every month at ten pm. I'm
also at col Stratton on Twitter at Stratton Cole on Instagram.
Let's also thank our engineer Doug Babe, our post sound
(52:55):
design artist Raphael Brito, our producers Sophie looked Man, and lastly,
I heart media Crickets encourage all of you guys to
write a review. Tell everyone you've ever met and write
to us at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at alchemy this dot com. Until
(53:16):
next time,
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This back again
filling in for Kevin Pollock is me Cole Stratton. Kevin
will be back as soon as he's done shooting. She's
all that too. She wasn't all that, but was most
of that, But this time she'll be all that we promised. Well,
it's a long title. Yeah, Well was working. I have
to meet today's Alchemists. Kicking things off as a guy
(00:22):
who was kind but didn't rewind Craigski, Craig, did you
ever forget to return a video to a rental to
a store? Well, I just ended my Netflix DVD membership
after eighteen years, and they want three DVDs that I
had lost in two thousand one back. They can't survive
(00:42):
without a hardcounts literally. Uh. Next is a man who
swears Muppets are real, Chris Alvarado. They are Chris. Who's
your favorite Muppet? I don't really know him? Muppet real Leo?
I don't know with them knowing that in respect, Thank you, Chris.
We gotta say you're leaving us for a bit. I
(01:05):
am This is my last episode for a while. Headed
to New York, which is exciting to do a play
off Broadway. Come see that play. It's called hashtag date Me.
How some people see it, it's I don't really go
to hashtag date me dot com or something like that.
Maybe I don't know. It's at the west Side Theater,
which is interesting because I do all my shows at
the Westside Comedy Theater in Santa Monica. Universe has big
plans for you, and now I'm doing Hashtag dat Me
(01:26):
at the west Side Theater in New York City hashtag
the show. Do you have to have two hashtags? Then?
Don't ask me crazy questions something a muppet question. I
don't like this anti momente al right. Next up, she
once set Candy Man and Bloody Mary up on a
date by saying their name is a bunch into a mirror.
Vanessa L I just love love be. Do you believe
(01:50):
in ghosts? Sure? Cool? Next up, A Man a Plan
a Canal, Panama. It's James Heeney. James, what's your favorite word?
Fuck it? Really? I really like that word, but in
an exasperated fashion. Well, I wanted to not curse. But
it's really one of those words that I feel good
(02:12):
when I say it, where I get all the bad
out when I say it. Yeah, it's very satisfy. That's nice.
And finally, four time runner up for James Madison, Junior
High Vice president Joey Greer. Joey, what platform will you
run on next time to finally secure you that position?
Free soda. Alright, well, now that all the pieces are
(02:33):
in place, let's get to our first scene. Guess. All
of today's scene suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails.
If you'd like to submit yours, please write to the
podcast at your name here at Alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at alchemy this dot com. Hi,
here's the first one. Hey, cast of Alchemy, this big
fan of the show. Please keep doing this forever, forever.
(02:54):
Never I mentioned this podcast to people I know often,
here's a scene you could try, a high powered business
negotiation and something including billionaires. Maybe thank you for your
great work, everybody. That's great. Now, look I get it. Okay,
do you get it? I get it. If you get it,
I get it all right, And I'm offering right now
(03:14):
one time deal. Oh really, okay, four tons of lumber.
I'll take it to my people. Okay, good, we are
her people. Let us look at this contract. Okay, looking
through a bill. What do you think about? Okay, bill,
deals off, deals off, we're back. I'll say that. My
(03:36):
people will tell me, and then I'll tell you I
heard your people say no, no no, no, no, honey, that's
not how it works here. You know what's funny about
this is that it's funny about this. Rafael. Your people
are the one speaking for you. So what do you
do here? Maybe it's what do I do here? Oh no, no, no, Raphael.
You shouldn't be talking to my people because I own
them and if I catch them talking to people that
(03:57):
are not me and they're in big travel. Okay, on,
how is the deal back? On? Tons of um really quick? Everybody.
The pilot of this jet says he needs to land soon,
so we need to figure this out soon. Okay, Okay,
(04:17):
you don't need to scare me, Chrystal, I didn't mean
to you. Okay, So we have a new deal, We
have a new offer. We don't have a new deal.
Nothing in here about international rights. Off, I'm sorry, but
there's nothing in here about international rights. Do another loop
to loop pilot? Nothing in there about international rights? Yes,
this is lumber, you understand that. No, I don't lumber.
(04:40):
Isn't something that gets international rights. It's would I think,
why even be Raphael's people if he never consults us?
He never consults us. This is this is ridiculous. He's
making us weight in the tiny bathroom. This. I don't
even think that. I don't know. I couldn't even use
the bathroom in here if I wanted to busy. We're busy. Hey,
(05:01):
we're the other people. We've been sent to the bathroom,
so can you let us in? This is a small,
single surf bathroom. Use if this bathroom is off? So
it's just me and you, Ralphie, I guess it's just
you and I guess it's just the two of us
while our people take a tinkle break. So are we
(05:23):
doing a deal? Trying to are you really? Are you really? Oh?
I've missed you know, I haven't. I haven't missed you.
We haven't missed each other. I don't know how to
do the captain speaking. We are running low on fuel,
so please make up. Sorry Champagne, Please you still open
(05:49):
the cork with your feet. I like that. Oh do
you got all my toes? You know? I'd like to
offer another proposition on the table. Okay, wait, let me
pull my trade table down so there's round. Or should
I put my trade table up to show you my thoughts? Wow,
they are strong. Yes, I don't. I'm scared. I don't
think we should be just driving around in circles. We
(06:11):
gotta lamp this thing they pay us, captain police. I
know that they're paying a you know as well as
I do. If we stay up here in the air
for five more spins, we're going to crash land. That's
for sure. We might crash land. But there's a deal
to be made today. Do you know this deal involves
billions of dollars. I don't really care, because billions of
(06:32):
dollars doesn't matter. If my family doesn't have a daddy,
you won't have a family if this deal doesn't go through.
What it's that big billions? So we get an island, Okay,
I'm listening. All right. We build several pyramids, all right,
those pyramids a line with certain stars, and we pretty
much form a collective that worships those ideas that we're presenting.
(06:55):
I love it. It's it's Egypt all over again. No, no, no,
it's fine. The first Pyramids game, that was the first
Pyramids game. We do that again, because you know what
pyramids games make money to the one in on the
mom's love multi level marketing. They can't get enough, they
can't get enough. I don't know. I don't mean I
don't mind being a people. You know, I feel like
sometimes my thoughts get in. Then you're obviously better off
(07:18):
than we are, because I don't think Rafiel is taking
a single one of my Hey, you are his people, okay,
you know like I went to negotiating school, went to
negotiating school, and we're ready to help. Done. Can we
please go back in? Okay? Hey, guys, guys, don't forget
(07:38):
that not only are you his people, but you're your people.
Maybe go out there and let him know you think so,
you think he'll respect us March, I'll give it a shot. Okay.
So what I'm hearing is so excuse me, Raphael? Yeah?
What's yeah? I didn't call for you. What's going on?
I fail? Maybe you'd like to consult with your people.
(08:01):
You gotta keep them in line. Give me a second,
Give you a second, Give me a second. I can't
give you a second. There are billions on the loss
a second. Then pull me another glass of champagne while
you've talked to your pon hard to pour my less flexible.
What's going on? It's just we've been with you for
(08:22):
seven years now and you've never ever once consulted with us,
and that gives you leverage. Don't you understand if you
look like you could walk away from the deal, you'll
get a better deal. All you have to do and
look at this piece of paper that I've just been
playing mash on. But because it makes you look stronger,
you know me. You never consult us? And how what
are you doing? I'm twisting your I get back in
(08:47):
the bathroom and I don't want to hear from you.
I'll call you. It's a big mistake. So here's the truth.
We've got one more loop left and then this plane
is going down, So maybe you might want to walk
back there and often to hurry up. Either way, I
don't want to sound like a downer, but if you're
saying we've got one more loop and then we're going
to crash, we don't got time to loop. We gotta
(09:07):
go down while we got gas. What all right, I'll
go back there. I'll go back to Golden Goose, the
Dallas for the world. We uh, we got one runway
orright it for you, but you gotta land now otherwise
it's seventeen other planes coming in Golden Goose. Here is
this is this? Chuck? Yes, Jock, Chuck, Chad, Oh my god, Chad?
How you do man? Guys? So listen, here's the deal.
(09:30):
We've got a negotiation up here. Oh we're talking billions
billions negost So you know as well as I do.
If we land this plane, we're all screwed. Yeah, yeah,
I understand that. Well, I'll keep everybody here on alert.
Thank you much, um guys. Co pilot Steve, I got
bad news. We've only got one here or something. Yeah,
(09:51):
here a fart? Yeah, so we're running out of gas,
so you're gonna have to wrap up this negotiation. I
don't think that was it could be paid more. I'm
a copilot. This wasn't an invitation for you to come
(10:11):
and kick it with us. So why once you get
back into a little boiler room of yours and drives
little ship? Okay, by bye bye captain. I think they
got the message. Terrific. Well, we got about a half
a loop left. I hope this works out for both
(10:32):
of us. You know, we're gathered here today to celebrate.
I guess celebrates the wrong word. But I guess celebrating
is one way to put the passing of two of
our pilots. Um. I'll say celebrate it. I'll say celebrate.
Can I speak please? Yeah, go for it. You see,
(10:53):
these pilots died for a good cause. If I'm ever
in a position where I have to pilot a negotiation
and I'll also die, mark my words, I will also
go down. Okay, anybody else would like to speak, I
understand this is a little of celebration, So Tiffany, I'm sorry.
(11:17):
If you're going to speak, please make it audible. We
don't we just don't know what you're saying. We'll just
have a seat. And when you when I was a
good friend of the palace and they plane crashed coming
in towards the Burbank airport, kind of tight landing, there
(11:39):
a lot of turbulence. It can be very difficult. But
I just want to let you everybody know, to have
a great funeral and enjoy the rest of your day. Interesting,
So are you are you also passing up peanuts? Is
that what you're doing? That's right? Okay, I'd like to
also say that this is great. I had my choice
of funerals and I'm glad I chose this one. Guys,
we have a we have appreciate it. We have a
(12:01):
little video we gotta play for everybody before this funeral
gets going. So why don't we just all sit back
and if you could just turn off your phone for
a second, make sure they're on airplane mode, and let's
just want some hold on. I can't understand what you're saying.
So your loved one just died, believe it or not,
(12:22):
there are dead. Put you and enjoy the funeral. We putter. Okay,
that was way shorter than so as your people, Um,
we think, we just think that maybe it's time to
(12:46):
what are you saying? I think it's time for a
deal or no deal or no deal? The TV show
what I'm sorry? Deal or no deal? The TV show?
That's some one? The how Matt Look, we're gonna die
and I'm fine with that, but I just need you
to we won't die. How's that We've got the life raft?
(13:09):
That's right, we secured a life raft before. Who negotiated that?
I did? That's my man? I don't I feel left out? Well,
you weren't around. There's a life raffort two. I see,
I'm supposed to mention that we're just going to let
that happen. When I see Champagne, Champagne, I'm back. I'm
(13:31):
back back, welcome back. So we don't have a deal yet,
but if you put two more billion on the table,
I think we could maybe tons of number and plus
two billions, plus the island plus the pyramids a little background.
I'm not gonna pay you two billions. I'm gonna get
the money. Excuse me, your f il can I word
(13:53):
for a second? God, Oh my god, I will call you.
What what do you want? Look, my dad died six
years ago on one of these things, and I went
to negotiating school so I could come here and prevent
this from ever happening again. And we got one lap left,
one lap left. You make this deal, god damnit, or
I'll make it for you if you ever talk to
(14:13):
me like that again. Ever, I'm gonna give you all
right like that. Now, what's this happened to your dad speaking?
We are headed straight straight into the shut up. He
was a pilot on on a flight six years ago.
That was the biggest deal that we've known the art
of the deal, you know what I'm talking about. And
(14:34):
so he died in vain in some people's eyes, but
I think he was a hero. So that's why I
vowed I would close every deal from this part on.
Is anyone else's hair going up? As if we're building now? Yeah,
I'm kind of just keep talking about talking about it anyways,
bullet points hero deal to make this deal now so
we can all go home alive. Pretty much all there
(14:59):
is to its make the deal. Please. I'm happy to
take anybody out in the water, But that area right
over there, that that's cursed. Deals don't get done in
that bard of the water. Deals just kind of get
lost in the sea over there. I think we can
make a deal there, but I don't know. I'm just
I'm happy to take anybody out there, but it just
it's the dead man's deal zone of the of dead,
(15:20):
like the Bermuda Triangle for deals. Yeah. I didn't want
to say that, but yeah, why didn't you want to
say that? Well, you know copyright. Well I think I'm
up for it, all right, anybody else or just just
you just me? Okay, Um, well, you're gonna make a deal.
With yourself. You know, I've lost a lot lately and
(15:42):
I need to reckon with myself. I need to make
a deal with God, and this seems like the right
place to do it. All right, take me to the
deal zone. All right, it's really not that far trip.
We're here. God, you plug your ears, sir, God. H
(16:06):
f Almo. Listener. Wow, it's Bianca feeling a little guilty
about the plane crash. Feeling a little guilty about the
plane crash, wondering if we could do a deal to
get me you know where. I'm sorry, I'll step in here.
I'm representing God now, so we had to find out
this way beyond my God. After everything we went through.
You're representing God. I'm gonna have to ask you to
(16:28):
not say that now. A little respect, please, of a
little respect from the man. Okay, I mean God, you
saw what happened. Talk to me, Just talk to my people.
Oh you you are my people. I'm chosen. I'm one
of the chosen ones. Well, good for you. How do
(16:50):
I get in on this. Let's just do the deal.
I save you, We saved each other. You owe me. Well,
take a look at this contract. I can't I need
to show it to my people. Well, where are your people?
Where are your people? Hell, negotiators, I hope you can
(17:12):
work a better deal for yourself down here. Uh, let's
make a deal. You make a deal. Let's make a deal. No. Yeah,
that's the thing though. You'll never agree on a price point,
is this, David? No? No, no? And that's how business
has done everybody. All right, here's our second one. Hey.
(17:38):
I've been listening since day one, and I'm a huge
fan of your show. You keep me chuckling on my
long drives. I drive all over northern California for work,
and this helps make the time more enjoyable. I work
indirectly for the state and I keep dealerships compliant with
registering cars they sell. I'm basically a mobile d m V.
I would love you all to create a scene that
takes place in a d m V. Can't wait to
see a live performance some day. If you come to
(17:59):
say Francisco or Sacramento, I'd be there for sure. Keep
up the good work. Alex Halverson, Pollock, Pines, California. Thanks Alex. Number.
Excuse me, I'm just in line. Were you about to
give the number out? I'm sorry, sir. Give me your
number back. You're gonna have to forfeit your number, sir.
(18:21):
There you go, thank you. All right, here's your new number.
Thank you. Oh it's higher than what I had before. Yeah,
you're gonna be here for a while. You were tempering
with the number. What's your number? My number was that
on a little piece of gum you gave me. It
was not gone. That was a little piece of gum, paper, gum,
(18:44):
that was paper. I apit number. Okay, uh, do you
have any idea? What the number? For four hours waiting,
I'm not supposed to do this, but I'll make an
expension to be called. I have the gum stuck in
my throat. I can still drive, I can still see.
(19:08):
I'm sure you can. But it's not up for me
to decide. Here. You come with me, and I'll bring
you right over. I'll bring you right over. My niece says,
it looks like my eye also covered in Elma's glue.
But this still I'm sure they are. Frank, Frank, before
you go to launch, could you please help this old
woman out? I could you help her out? She swallowed
(19:30):
her number. Okay, I'm right in the middle of taking
the picture, but we'll take his mask off. Sir, you're
gonna have to take your mask off while taking this picture.
I don't take my mask off for anyone. See he
keeps doing this. I'm happy, Batman. I'm sorry. Do you
not know who that is? Batman? That's him? Yeah, I'm
so sorry. Okay, let the man go. Jesus, he's a hero.
(19:56):
I'm sorry. I just we have no mass policy, and
the here of this city eats. Yeah, to take the picture.
If you know the guy, you take the picture, I'll
help her. I'll take the picture. By the way. Yeah,
great steak last night. Sir, you're probably wondering why I
pulled you over. You're going about a hundred and thirty
down Central Boulevard here, hitting every car on the way.
(20:18):
What's wrong with that officer? License and registration please? I'm Batman, yeah,
and I'm silver surfer. License and registration please. Our universe
is doing cross off him. I'm waiting, Uh, I'm sorry
looking around for it. Um. Can I just get out
(20:40):
of the car. Do I have to stay here? Stay here? Robin,
stay here? Boy? Wonder whatever, sir, is that your ward?
This is my ward? Okay? Bert, not fucking related to him?
Or anything, but I need you to stay seated there, please.
Oh my god? Oh kay? Uh? Where I had I
(21:03):
had the registration? Where was it? I don't know. I
just saw that money you didn't give me. All right,
that's not the time of the place to talk about
later at a more convenient time. There's never a convenient
time for you. Look this bullshit. I'm sorry. I just
stopped the joker from blowing up a football stadium. Can
(21:25):
I get a pass here? You know I'm not supposed
to just doing my job as you're doing here. Do
you understand that? Right? Yeah? Alright, say what, I'm going
to give you a warning. I'm gonna write this stuff.
I'm just gonna writ this up like a fixing ticket.
Just go get the tail light changed on the batmobile here,
so I have to go to the d m V.
You do and get a new photo while you're at it.
All right, Well, alright, alright, but I'm not taking my
(21:48):
mask off. All right, you'll take that bad signal, all right,
have a good day, he can. Ma'am. Man, you're eating
the entire ticket number tape stuff. Why did you give
it to me? I didn't give it. Your pulling out
of the red So that's what my fingers were doing. Well,
(22:09):
I'm still able to drive, Frank, I'd like can set
one sec. Obviously I didn't recognize Batman, right, Okay, I
think and just follow me here. I think that person
over there, that old lady in quotes, is actually a
bad person, a bad guy. It's a woman. No, No,
(22:31):
I think it's a disguise. Okay. I mean if Batman exists,
then surely his enemies exist. Right, I don't even know
what you're talking about here. If you really think so,
our hold her shoulders, you tug your head by the way.
By the way, how did you what kind of rubbs
that in the stage? It's just black pepper and lemon juice?
(22:52):
Just all right, here we go. I think she's fine
to day. Yeah, you have a good day down here.
Excuse me, I don't like this picture. Can we take
(23:13):
another one? Batman? Batman? Of course, we can fit you
in really quick. Yeah, fake, it looks really nice. It's
a wonderful foul. I'll think you should use it from
now all alright, My my butler likes it, so I
guess I'm okay with it. Before you head up, man,
can you inspect this body, this lady who's dying. Does
(23:35):
she remind you of anybody? Is she an enemy of yours?
An enemy of mine? Yeah? Who are your enemies? Joking?
So that's maybe maybe she's the penguin. She's not the
big one. Could you look closer? Man, I'm tired of
waiting the fucking car. Shut the funk up, Robert, I'm
tired of waiting in the car, all right, and you
know what, I'll take care of him. Get off of me,
(23:57):
Come out and get off of me. Going down, get
off of me. I want to drive. I want to drive,
and I want you to dress up for dinner tonight.
Oh funk that. I'm not gonna wear short shorts. I
want to drive. You'll wear shorts as short as I
tell you to fuck up? Let me give up? Hello? Hi?
(24:19):
Does Batman live here? How did you phone a cave?
I just asked God to point the way. Something bad
happened and I need his help. All right, Well, you
discover it to me and I'll run it up to ladder.
My grandma is was a wonderful person, and the bad
(24:41):
people at the d m V killed her, and I
need some The cops don't believe me because I called
them all the time. I had this real active imagination. Anyway,
that's a long story. At your name, son, Jay Jay.
Let's see you bowling. Let your falling, grandma. Oh, we'll
take this up to Batman. Thank you, sir, thank you,
good luck. We will ofvent you. Thank you. I don't
(25:04):
want any more wine. I have another glass. I don't
want any more. Can I get you anything rose for
I don't want anymore want a gatorade? Yes, they are,
Thank you very much, and not for any of the reason.
(25:26):
Then I sweat a lot. Thank you very much. Thank you.
Oh my god, you're a little tents. Yeah, I am
a little time. I need your background. I can off
of me for shit. So it feels very good. I
mean I didn't think you could top the steak. If
I'm being honest, Well, I'm not sure that I can
or not yet. I don't know. This park looks great.
(25:49):
Do you want any more salent? Hey, Hi, it's gonna
see you too. Would you like any more talent? Yeah?
Please could sell it? You got it? Would you like
any talent? That would be great? All right, I just
gotta run out. It's probably gonna take me two hours.
Perfect a perfect god. Want to dry? I want to
fuck you? What? No, no, no, no, non't me. I'm serious.
(26:11):
We're not just friends. I love you. We have two
hours to get can I get? I forgot my keys,
so you hurt? Your keys are hanging on the key hangar,
I know, I know, I just look. I gotta go
over to Bermuda's, get out the salad and come right
back a few hours. Awesome, we have two hours. We
(26:32):
have two hours. I can test this love to see
if it's all I think it can be. You have
to tell you a secret. I'm listening. My wife cooked
a steak in the pork and she's going to be
tossing the salad. I see. I just wanted to get
you here, and I wait, don't go, don't go. There's
(26:53):
so many other things than just cooking food, and I
need to just grab my umbrella before I leave. What
are you doing the penguin? So what do you think
of the rose? It's pretty, it's nice, nice full body.
I guess I don't know. My palate isn't developed enough
to really appreciate it. Well, develop your palette, I just
(27:15):
can't excuse Sorry, Okay, do you like work here for
you knew here? Do you like? Work for them? I
work for them. I'm here because I'll have to forward something.
What what can I stay and listen? Sure the penguins.
(27:36):
He's back. He's more jovial than usual, but he's back.
He's super happy, super like. Okay, took his umbrella out
and he started springing around and then said he was
doing it all right. Well he's super happy. Hi number
forty two. Yeah, great, So you're here just for to
register your vehicle. Oh, don't don't tell me what I'm
(27:57):
here to do. Okay, I'll tell you what I'm here
to do. I'm just at the form. So they're just
looking at the phone. Well, the form says I'm here
to register a new vehicle, right, yeah, okay, terrific information. Okay,
first government buildings, the first name, first name. Ye, I'm
not going to give you that. It's part of it, sir.
(28:18):
Oh you just get all my personal infant. I don't
believe that. No way, Just register my goddamn vehicle. I
gotta go. Let me just reach over and grab my
umbrella really quick. All right, he ll batman that wake up.
(28:39):
We got the penguin. He hit, He hit the d
m V. He hit the d m V. Yeah, what
what happened? It took money? Or up the building or
good morning? Was she sleeping in the bathroom. I don't
know where she slept. I don't didn't sleep that much,
but I did sleep in the bathtub for a minute. Cool,
So you hooked up with the girl that I told
(29:00):
you I had feeling. You don't know. You don't know
what you're feeling. I'm feeling. I don't know what I'm
feeling like because I don't know. It seemed like you
and Batman were together. You were getting massages from them,
you wearing those short short I didn't know you were
into me. I don't know why would you be in me.
I'm just like Batman was like, hey, Barbara, Wow, I
(29:23):
didn't expect to see you here at the d m V.
I'm so sorry about ted you out for that salad.
And then somebody came into something awful to both of us,
really both of us and I just barely made it
out alive, and of course I had to come back
to work. So that's why I'm here. You know, I um,
it's hard for me to come in here and and
uh talk to you, but I just want you to
(29:46):
know that I've filed a restraining order against you, against me.
I just can't see you. I didn't do anything. I
didn't you didn't, of course you didn't. I just can't
see you, you know, because I remind you of Ted.
So I brought over goodbye salad? And is that steak?
That steak in there? And there's a Southwest funeral tape
and there for you if you just want to take
(30:08):
a look at that, Barbara, look at me. I gotta
tell you a secret that I'm the penguin. Say again,
you whispered it, penguin. I can't hear you. I'm the penguin. Bam,
wake up? Wake up? What are you sleep in the kitchen?
(30:30):
Fell asleep? Standing up? Sorry? Just having me getting a
lot of sleep lately. Why? Why is that guilty? Good?
Are you serious? I think we're in love? Oh my god, Batman,
didn't you tell me? I always tell everything to rub
the first? Excuse me? Mash the white what is it?
I'll call your suit Reddy and the bat wing is
few up. The DMVs of a rum by comical Villains. Great,
(30:53):
I guess we got to go to work. I'll just
hold down the floor. Right, we're gonna register the batmanbile
while we're there. Oh are we? Ye? Great? I'll fold
up the appropriate phone's fault. You said, thank you all
for you the best? Okay, number two six four, that's me,
two six four, that's me Okay, And what can I
(31:16):
do for you today? I want to reregister a vehicle. Okay,
reregistered terrific soda. Now it's filled with high fruit dose
corn cereal. Just stop drinking that ship then I'll just
have a gator right there. That's worse. Okay, Batman, you'd
like that's to rain today? I think so he's got
a weird umbrella. Bamew what's going on with that umbrella? What?
(31:41):
What that's in your business? Okay? What's your middle initial?
What do you talk like that to me? It's just
that's part of the Today has been a weird day.
Nobody wants to give me their information. Okay, at least
the last four of your social place last for social Okay,
my year, because I we're not there yet, Oh gotcha? Okay, terrific.
(32:03):
We want a candy bar or something. I don't want
a candy bar, but okay, uh, in order to reregister
this new vehicle. You're gonna need to take a new
vehicle reregistered the vehicle part of me. You're going to
need to take a photo with your closest and personal
love loved one. Only one person, please the government dot gov.
(32:26):
You know what I mean. You don't have to pick me,
just one person. You want to get in a picture
with men Robin. Robin really wants that. He wants it
too much. You have a dollar? Can you see in
my office for a one second? Here? What's up? What
are you doing such a poor job on before? I'm
(32:46):
I'm you're a villain, but you still work for the DMV,
And I'm conflicted. I don't know, I don't know what
to do? Bin your bin? Ye? What's my plug? Was? World?
I took up a job here and I take pride
and what we do? How do you balance work life
with work life? Honestly? I help him quite a bit
(33:09):
of calendar man, And once you have at all organized
very well, you can do a lot. Have you organized
your life with a calendar? I have not. I'll tell
you what? Do we all share the same foes in common? Batman? Yeah,
of course he's the worst, but you still have to
serve him. Until the trosaction is Dad makes sense, So
(33:30):
keep back out there and clothes that dear, don't pinch
my butt. Okay, have you chosen your photo partner? I
just want to make sure Robin's okay with it. I
just want to wait around. Fine, ask him. They didn't
have any mars bargum, we miss you. Um. So there's
(33:51):
this thing that the d NB, the government has to
take a picture of pat Mos like his closest personal
love one and um, it's gonna leave one person. And
we're just like, I'm not sure if how we were
going to go about that, because like you really importing him,
But like I mean, do you want to say to meything? Ah?
Do you want to get him the picture with me? Oh?
(34:12):
Yeah you do? Yeah I do. Sorry, baby man, step
out of the frame. Place, step out of the frame,
out of the screen, move away from their frame. It's
me the penguin, Batman. Do you know who else is here?
(34:33):
Baine and calendar man? Batman? Who the fuck is calendar man?
I've done? He was part of your world. My word,
I don't know that like a penguin. I do. Now
watch quick quick, So what do you want to do?
Let's get the picture taken first. Let's take the picture,
(34:54):
then we'll fight fair enough? Can I go side by
one to three? It? Sorry? You can't smile? What one
to smiling? What am I supposed to do? Just stare blankly?
One too? Sorry? I smiled that time. The new direction
for Batman the DC universe is taking is terrible. I
(35:17):
don't know. I'm really glad they brought Calendar Man back
in though, because he's one of my favorite filings, because
you created him. What Yeah, we all know, huh what
you created calendar Man, James Heeney, We know you created
calendar You never read the Long Halloween? Come on, James,
James the best comic everybody. James, dude, you create You
(35:40):
made that up. You're going to burn in hell and
we all are going to our final scene for today evening. Guys,
I have a scene for you. I think it'd be
pretty funny. I once had a friend in an undergrad
(36:00):
who cheated through his bio chem degree and basically paid
his way into medical school. I'm a pharmacist, studied hard
all throughout and even this is challenging every day. I
can't imagine how difficult and downright dangerous it would be
if I cheated. Please help us to see a day
in the life of a new physician out on their
own for the first time in the medical field, who
has cheated and bribed all through their college path up
(36:21):
to this point. I listened to the podcast every day,
and you guys have made Tuesdays and Thursdays the best
weekdays in my book. I often try to picture what
you look like making these hilarious voices while creating the show,
So please post a video of yourselves recording the show.
Thanks for the last. J B. Garcia dr Um. I'm
so sorry to interrupted. We just need those reports back
(36:42):
as soon as possible. It's not a big deal, that's all.
We just need to diagnosis. It's the Manilla folder on
the top of my desk. It's got the stamp that's
his top secret. Uh, it's just a joke, but that's
the report. Okay, great, Okay, So this is for a Menendez,
it's for everybody they've had this week. Oh, I'm sorry,
I'm just looking for well, I would just go to
(37:04):
the M section. I'm sorry, are you not familiar with
how my reports are written out? I kind of am.
It's it's not as a fluid, I guess, or as
traditional as the rest of us do it. But you
know you're top of your class, a student Harvard, Yale,
and Princeton graduate. Amazing, So I trust you so well.
(37:26):
I don't want to have to embarrass you in front
of everybody. So I would just get the report and
say thank you and then walk away with it. Thank you,
Thank guy. There, Hi, I have a sore throat. My
doctor gave me this prescription to fill um. He also
said you could talk to me about like any any
side effects or as a sore throat. Well, you're probably
(37:46):
gonna get coughing. I would say, medication erupt me. I'm
a doctor. I'm sorry, Sorry, You're going to probably have coughing, uh,
and the side effects of the sore throat redness in
your mouth. What are you doing behind the pharmacy window? Doctor?
What are you doing at the pharmacy It was just
supposed to know, you're supposed to be in yours. I
don't want to embarrass you, but there was there was
(38:07):
a moment of just empty desk and I wanted to
make sure it was filled, so don't I had to
sign up. I had to sign up. The said pharmacist
will be back in a moment. Okay, well I'm that well,
I didn't want to have to shame you, so I'll
let this. Aren't your options? Okay, high five tag you're
tagged in, Dr Trhillo. Yeah, okay, you know what the
nipple cancer you said? I had cut off both my
(38:29):
fucking nipples and apparently that's that's not even a thing.
What are you talking about? I got a sick in opinion.
Apparently isn't even a goddamn thing. Nipple cancer is not
a thing. No, if so, you want to have your
nipples or moves, Yeah, listen, I'm a tattoo artists. Okay,
I'm not a body part removal guy. But if you
need it, you need it. Yeah, I got I don't
really got much health. The scan, Uh what was that?
(38:52):
The slave the scan? I don't know what the first
part of that that she said. She's saying the ray,
Oh sir, I don't comment that either. Okay, you mouth
yourself nipples. I was looking at those plumpers. I'm sorry.
I just got the horrible news. Raise your shirt. Yeah yeah,
what was that news exactly? That I have nipple cancer? Yeah? Yeah,
(39:15):
well then that means we can't use these nipples. After
we cut them off, I can use them for stuff,
all right, don't worry about it. Raise your hands over
your head. Please sing your favorite song. Oh, tell the
news it turns. I'm sorry, Dr Trio. You say I
(39:41):
have bad bones? Yeah, you're bad to the bone. How
much time do I have? Not much? Unless you turn
things around? How would I do that? Well? How about this?
Why don't you sit down really quick? Let me pour
you a glass of milk. All right, all right, you're
(40:02):
not lactose intolerant, am. Yeah, it's very well, you know
what it's really Sometimes medicine has adverse effects. Just drink
this cup of milk. It's just so weird. It just
came in with bad headaches and bad bones. Well, bad
to the bones, bad to the bone. George thoroughgood disease.
(40:22):
I don't know the scientific term, but I know what
I'm looking at here. I've heard of it. At biker
friend of mine had that. He he died really young. Really,
only the good die young. I don't have Billy joeld disease.
I hope. Yeah, So, I mean that was that was
the case that I had today. I mean, you guys
know that. I mean, I mean we've been doing if
you're that's away, doctor teeth right right, r teeth. The
(40:53):
Muppet muppets are real? By muppets are not real, it's not.
He's a brain surge and he's also a comedian. Also,
I also happened to be the break room barista. So
coffee is ready? You call yourself a breefe that when
it's in this press. Okay, quickly, I have a serious question. Absolutely,
(41:16):
you guys are my first friends. So I'm wade. Let's
have a moment for that. Thank you, well, thank you,
thank you very much. It's true. I mean I spend
more time here than I do with my wife. That's
definitely true. I mean, as you know, when you're a doctor, doctor,
is this going to be a really full time chop?
What's that? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, comedian? Is it an
(41:38):
open door? How many honors do you guys got to
plug a week? Twelve fourteen fifteen sixteen bars of that?
That's not that day day, day, per day. I'm glad
you're here. Actually it's true here right, yeah, I know
we haven't spent much time together there, but your doctor
(42:00):
and I heard I read your file. Yeah, you know, congratulations,
pausing your transcript around insane. Yeah, so it's about my wife,
who you heard me talking about earlier. Oh yeah, everyone
here knows her status best. But I'll tell you what.
When I got the email saying that we got this
(42:20):
new doctor in here, I was like, there's my hope.
You know your specialties are her last hope. So really, yes, absolutely,
and you know we're all best friends here. I love it.
We can say that thank you, and it's going to
mean so much to all doctors if you save her.
Maybe you should take a look at her charts and
see that would be great here. Oh wow, I honestly, doctor,
(42:48):
I got to take my California state break. I've been
working for four hours and then it hates a break.
Oh no, no, no, that's not for doctors. Yeah, that's
for servers, waiters. Okay, well, I'll take a quick glance
at it. Thank you look like Seduko. Uh, it's just
I don't think you know what Seduko is. It doesn't
look like that at all. It doesn't. This is all writing,
(43:11):
is it? A gridful of The numbers one through nine
really are funny, by the way, quick tip invest in
eight I'd really like to get a better look at
this later, But my gut says that you're making a
bigger deal a lot of it than it is later.
I got a triple bypass at four thirty. I could
really use an assist. Dr Siegel still out, so you
(43:32):
would mind joining me on that. I'll pass on that too.
You didn't ask me to do it? Why didn't you
ask Schlemming to do it? Slimy. I just thought it'd
be good. Do you know? Try by fire for being
your bypass. Fine, it's it's not fine, it's we're just
best friends. Yeah, this relationship is important to you. Yeah,
you don't give the new guy the bibe? Whatever and true?
(43:54):
Hello you you claimed to with study under Porkinson. It
at Harvard, right, I don't know why is your brain?
So Parkinson is actually doing some rounds here. We can
get him in, you know, I'd love to just see
Porkinson and try here, you know, reconnecting. I've never seen
(44:15):
anybody that's what. It's Porkinson. There's Parkinson. It's your old
students here. Porky, remember me. You put the file down?
Why is it coming in your face? I just well,
I trying to stop. Why do you have all the
masks over your eyes? Student? Yes, he graduated just six
(44:38):
months ago. Est is there a doctor your I don't
want to call it. Does anyone else want to? I'll
call it? He's dead? Oh he's dead. He's not dead.
He's not dead. Mortist. Guys, trust Trio. Trust. I think
(45:03):
we could save him. Maybe I can help. Oh my god, man,
wait up, your shorts are bleeding. Goddamn it, we've lost him.
I told you, guys, no one ever believes me. All right,
(45:25):
let's take you to your appointment. Robin. Oh my god,
I don't, sir, you're getting hanging out of your shorts. Yeah,
I know you have to get these general a wards
looked at? Well, is here? Trio is specialist. You said
you're expert in general awards. Can we just go to
a room or something flopping on the table? Put it
on the table. Wow, let's tiger than. My thought was
(45:48):
going to be, Oh my god, covered in warts, but
impressive doctors. Would you say he's normal? No, well I
got these warts. I'd say he's above average. I'd say
he's above average. Well, but you're also I mean, we're
not addressing to all the wards. Oh, the warts look weird.
(46:08):
I've seen a case of this before. Robin. Were you
hooking up with supervillain Madam Frog? No, no, Robin, I
don't have to say that. We've all been there as doctors.
We have all been there. I mean, when you're a doctor, doctor,
m who who cares? It's not a matter of caring.
(46:28):
It's a matter if there's one anecdote that can, you know,
take these words down. But to get that anecdote, we're
gonna have to hear you admit in front of your lover. Anecdote. Oh,
I meant antidote. No, but we gotta tell a little
I can tell the story, but there is a story
that st No, no, no, the antidote will make the
words go down. But this story would make you understand
(46:50):
where the antidote came from. It. It'll also make us
more relatable. I just want the antidote. I don't care
what the story, anecdote, the antidote. Oh you want this story? No, no,
one just give me this series the nineties. Um, you
know everyone's at clubs right, this is pre you know
we're doing the good stuff, even real stuff. Can I
(47:13):
check your I D doctor? Can I check your I
d I'm a doctor, stethoscope, thank you. One thing led
to another, and then so you cared me a story
about the bouncer into and it's a time when doctors
(47:37):
could get in. Come back, batman, don't leave. Look if
you want the antidote, it's it's around her neck, it's
in that vial. Can I please have it? Well, oh
my god, we just need you. Oh who are you?
It's me the doctor? Thank you? And so what the
fund is the story about? Well, because I left my
(47:59):
I was like, did I leave my brides on? And
so I went back out and then I had to
go back in. She's a doctor. Just go with and
trust me to reveal on who the bouncer is. Is
worth it? All right? Oh what's your name? What's your name?
Marcus Kerner? And I actually went to high school. That's
(48:21):
an amazing anecdote. That's really great. Irony of irony. Something
for the vending machine. Yeah, gatorade. They don't have gatorade.
You're kidding me. They have gatorade. Just give me a
soda that I'm gonna get your bottle of water, I asked,
(48:42):
Sorry to interrupt. I'm a different character, no doubt, about it.
Just found out one of you doctors here is a fraud. Frog.
Maybe they gave the war a fraud. What do you
have that umbrella? Pals? That rang up? It's about to
(49:03):
be raining. I didn't hear that on the news this morning,
raining blood of a fraud frog. They're saying, frog, one
of you is a fraud and that one can raise
your hand if you're actually a doctor. My hand goes,
hand up. Doctor, you're a doctor. I'm going to repeat
(49:25):
this this time. Don't lie, okay, real will be this.
Why would I lie about me? Femish? Who are you?
Who are you? Doctor? Stevenson's a riddler? Oh that's a riddler.
I need a dollar? What riddler? Are there? Multiple riddler?
(49:50):
My pockets are too tight, I can't reach in. Well,
what's your dick so heavy? That's right, I've been posing
as a doctor this entire time. Oh, I can't believe it.
I told you my whole life story. You're one of
(50:10):
my best friends. You looked at my wife. Riddle me this.
Why would I do that? If not to get to
know each of you better and keep you, treat you
with family so sweet. I just got a text she's dead.
Who oh your wife. Oh god, my kid just texted
me all caps mom and I get it. Mommies, Bye bye,
(50:36):
Mommy's so it was as serious? We thought, Well, I
told you to take more of a look later. But
now you said you said it wasn't serious. I said
that my gut says stuff, but I'd like to look
at it later. Here. Let me let me just help.
You're not not leave. Hey, No one's gut would steer
them that wrong. What No doctor's gut would steer them
(50:57):
that wrong? When that man's wardy, bean, I'm gonna put
the penis down. I can fix this. I don't mind.
Get your mouth away from that penis. You kiss it
and make it. Let him try. Okay, and see now
this is all I'm gonna be fine. Guys, I'm a ductor.
Your lips are swelling, you it's not swelling. Should we
(51:21):
get Parkinson's corpse down to the morgue? By the way,
and that's our show. Our famous catchphrase porks has ended
so many scenes. Batman was about to walk in on that. Well,
(51:44):
that's our show for today. Let's thank our alchemists plug stuff.
Chris Alverado, Yes again, I'm at here for a little while.
I love you all so much. Come see me off Broadway.
Hashtag date me at the west Side Theater. Thank you,
I love you. Oh nice, Um, I'm just around town.
Come to Dynasty Typewriter. Follow us on Instagram, enjoy the
marquis art that we do and have a great day.
(52:08):
Yeah Greg hashtag hashtag date Me's that request? Please? Yes?
James Heny on Twitter, you can find me at the
Heat and I'd like you to use that to watch
the newst episode of This Rusher Thing with John Bolton.
Hell yeah, nice. Joey Greer at Jeffy Grieber on Instagram.
(52:32):
And every second and fourth Wednesday at nine o'clock at
Westside Comedy Theater. Bear supply nice. I'm Cole Stratton. You
should come see a lot of us in Pretty Pretty
Comedy Theater. Most of us are in that. It's the second,
uh first Thursday of every month at ten pm. I'm
also at col Stratton on Twitter at Stratton Cole on Instagram.
Let's also thank our engineer Doug Babe, our post sound
(52:55):
design artist Raphael Brito, our producers Sophie looked Man, and lastly,
I heart media Crickets encourage all of you guys to
write a review. Tell everyone you've ever met and write
to us at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at alchemy this dot com. Until
(53:16):
next time,
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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