burrito-rolling master

burrito-rolling master

gone completely texas

Canned laugh auditions

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Alchemy.
This I am your host, Chris Alvarado. Yes, that Chris Alvarado,
and I'm super excited to be joined by my friends,
my colleagues, my co artists. So let's just jump right
into it and say hello to them in no particular order.
Let's start with somebody who rarely joins us as a

(00:23):
guest is usually a host. Say hello to col Stratton, everybody. Cole, Yeah,
this is weird. I think this is the first thing
I've done this word. It hasn't meant me or Kevin hosting.
I was like, Cole is also a great improviser who
likes to play. He doesn't have to do Yeah, you
know it's great just showing up and doing it, riding
up the sea suggestions and figuring out the dumb questions

(00:46):
to ask people and all that ship. It's the worst, right,
Speaking of which, Cole, yep, what's your favorite Jeopardy category?
It pops up? You know you're gonna get all of them?
Are just about all of them? You know, we actually
watched Jeopardy pretty much daily, recorded watching at lunch Umlula
of the Street that Mattea is on right now. Anything

(01:10):
pop culture related, obviously, if it's like movies or which
actually always makes me crazy because it's the pop culture
things that only the super champs like run. Most of
the other people just sit there scared and then they
just go peep peep and like they don't know the
answer is it would be like a picture Johnny Depp
and like, I don't know. Makes me a little crazy.
But yeah, anything pop culture related, anything pop cults are great.

(01:34):
I'm so glad you're here. I'm also glad that this
next person here, she just sell her celebrated birthday makes up. No,
it's hard. Jackie Ruthie, Alright, Jackie, serious question here. Concession
of choice at a basketball game? Or what are you
snacking on? See that's different than a movie. Concession of

(01:57):
choice at a basketball game? Ongoing cinnamon ager? What cell pretzel? Wow?
Craig Is also joined us today. He made a face
very controversial choice, what's sol I'm that's I'm just it's
something that I never have, you know, It's it's so

(02:18):
mall specific, and I'm so not a mall person, um,
but but it is. Gosh. I love it, and I
love it when they're just like a little undercooked, which
they usually are, especially where it's like knotted over. That's
where it really gets Doughey, Uh, give me that, and
give me a Coca Cola Classic. Really, you're you're on

(02:40):
a diet or a Coke zero not? Absolutely not. Keep
a Classic for me. I don't have it every day,
so you know, I'm like, this is fine. I'll keep
a Classic for when I have it. Makes sense, makes sense.
Super light your hair. Everybody say hello to Mark Gagliardi. Hello, alright,
Mark Gagliardi. What's your relationship with fitness? I Fitness and

(03:06):
I have an on again, off again relations same same
we will like we we we go long periods of
time without seeing one another, and then I will reach
out or sometimes Fitness will reach out to me, but
usually I reach out to Fitness tepidly, like I'm not
sure if I want to start things back up again. Um,

(03:28):
And then I try and I and we'll go for
like a month, and of course kind of we just
kind of fall off and stop calling each other, which
no one's fault, no one's fault, nobody's fault. It's nobody's fault.
We're just we're just leading different lives yeah. Hey, I
always think about asking fitness out and then I'm like,
I'm married, just lovliness, I'm married. I stay it this way,

(03:51):
but not at least make some noise from my boy
and your boy, Mr. Every everyone's boy here, my boy,
Craig Craig. I was talking to Jessica about this, and
it throw me crazy because I didn't think there was
a difference. Is your autograph different from your city, different
from your signature? Yeah? It is, really yeah, it is right.

(04:18):
I never thought about it, but it has to be now, Mark,
And I know this because for Thrilling a Venture Hour,
the podcast that we were on for a number of years,
we would sometimes have to do like two hundred posters
in a row, and so I developed kind of a
shorthand uh much less legible autograph with two large cs

(04:41):
and basically scribbles after that. So, if you know, if
you're a fan of a Thrilling Adventure Hour, you're looking
at fifteen names, you see two giants stays, You're like,
that's Craig Atkowski. I don't need to understand the rest
of it. But if I'm signing an official document or
an employment form or anything like that, attack form, I
will my cursive is still not great in any way,

(05:06):
shape or form, but I will try to delineate the
individual letters in Craig and Kaikowski a little more when
I'm doing a signature, but an autography, get two big seas.
And also, I quickly want to mention that I've been
binging this podcast, UM the Second Citizens hosted by by

(05:26):
Joe Canally, where he it's really fast. It's fascinating because
he's just talking to um uh residents, previous residents of
of Second City stages. So I know a lot of
the people. But Craig, your name comes up over and
over and over, and I'm always like, I want to
text Craig. I'm like, he probably knows, he probably knows
they're talking about it. I don't know if he put

(05:47):
my episode out yet, but it will eventually be a
guest so I will get to answer for myself. I'm
looking forward to that. All right, let's move on because
this is the stage right now, everybody. Some of us
didn't make it to a resident stage, you know, with
Second City, but this this, this is the show. This
is the show. UM. All of today's scene suggestion as

(06:08):
always come to us from our listener suggestions, emails, whatnot
if you want priority. Once while sending in a suggestion,
consider becoming a Patriot. Oh my gosh, I said considered
becoming I say, considered becoming a Patreon, which is a
Patreon v I P. Yeah, thank you, Jackie. Uh. You
can join us on Patreon. You will, You'll get moved

(06:31):
up in the cue as far as suggestions goes. You
can check out our bonus scenes and all of our
exclusive content. You can join us on Patreon at alchemy
this no great dot com. That's Patreon dot com, slash
alchemy this. I've only done this forever, so you have

(06:51):
to excuse me. Or if you want to reach out
to us the old time you way, Cole. I'm looking
at you, thinking Cole and never have messed this up.
You want to reach out to us, eating off a
piece of paper and not looking up anyway? Um, email
us at alchemy this email at gmail dot com. That's Alchemy.

(07:11):
That feels better. See one comes to us from Alchemy
v I P or Alchemy v I P. Jonathan Crane
Jonathan says, good day alchemists. Love the jargon great. Uh,
I was hoping you could do a take on this
burrito rolling master, Glad, do you exist, Jonathan. It's just

(07:35):
like it's just a tight, tight little role and you
called keep it and you use your fingers, use every
single finger, and you really just kind of get it
real nice and tight. You know. It's just like rolling
a burrito, but it's a live human. It's just a
little baby, and it's just very similar and you want
to keep them nice and tight in there like this.

(07:57):
That's a bit that's a bit too tight. And it's
very great that you're trying this on a doll. First. Yeah,
that's a bit too tight. Okay, Okay, okay, it's okay.
Think about how much effort you're and how read your
face is getting. I'm never going to get this dad thing.
To get this dad thing, it's the the amount of

(08:18):
effort is is unsafe, not just for the baby, but
for you. I'm concerned about Hernia's I'm concerned about also
just like um, you know, possible fatal situation. Why are
you just adding more things for me to worry about.
I'm so sorry. I've already told you how worried I

(08:39):
am about this whole process. Since the very beginning. We
hired you as a midwife to handle all of the
stress and anxiety of this sweet sweetheart. Sweetheart, she doesn't
know who you are? Well, that kit, that's impossible. I
mean she knows your name, miss, I'm assuming you don't

(09:00):
recognize him. Oh, um, no, I it's okay, it's okay,
it's okay. You probably don't eat, you do? Yeah? I eat,
you know, to stay alive. But honey, don't blow up
my spot. I'm just saying. I'm just saying, if she

(09:23):
knew a little bit about you, she might understand what's
going on with the tight swaddles. Please, I would love
to I would love to learn more about you. And
I apologize for focusing mainly on your pregnant wife. Let
me give you a little more attention. You've been focusing
on Elissa for eight months now and really making this

(09:44):
about her, and I think it should really beat you know.
Sometimes it's about the dad and what he wants and
needs and does you are? You are a participant? Are
going to be there? You? Um? And I've really been
thinking about the birth for the most part, and now
we're talking about the actual baby and and it's time

(10:04):
for you to shine. I would love to learn more
about what you do in in regards to food. I'm well,
I'm the world renowned British and I was kind of
hoping that our child would become a world renowned burritist. Wow.
I mean, I'm so. I'm a little shocked because I

(10:25):
had said to do it like a burrito, and then
you did it like a like a w W E wrestler.
And so I take my burrio's very seriously. You know
what I'm not. That's not my profession. And how dare
I speak to that? Hey, nerd, looks like you were
swaddled too tightly. Leave me alone, and look how wrapped

(10:55):
you are and your shawl shut up? Okay, look, um,
my dad's a burritus. I mean, I don't know my dad.
Mum h Well, I would never make fun of you
for that. Maybe we're not so different after all, I

(11:17):
don't know, we see pretty different. I mean, I'm I'm
sweet and you're obnoxious. Yeah, you're right. Well, I guess
I'm just gonna go punch the wall some more. Um,
if I'm late for Homer and and that's why whoa truck?
There's no need to do that. And look, yeah, my

(11:37):
my clothes are really tight. My dad wraps me up
every every morning. Okay, look how loose mine are? Okay, son,
here's your lunch. Let me put your jacket on. You
just just suck it in. Let's suck it in. Can'll
get myself for once? Dad? Oh? Someone out grown his father?

(11:58):
A Lissa get in here? Or someone's outgrown as father? What? Yeah,
he doesn't want to be wrapped anymore? Do I need
to remind you who your father is and what he does?
I love that I married my hype lady. You are
so good to me. Can I just say I'm I

(12:19):
didn't mean to make you run from upstairs. No, No,
it's fine. It's worth it. It's worth it. D This
jacket is super tight. And there's also like there's there's
a layer of beans in here, but they're they're somehow
evenly distributed. That's the whole point. The beans are specifically
laid out, so every bit of you has a little
bit of bean. Sweetheart, let me ask you a question.

(12:42):
What do What are some of your other friends dad's
do for a living? Um? Doctor, bullshit lawyer, um recording artist,
interesting postman? Okay, okay, okay, did you hear I said
interesting about the recording artist because your father is also
an artist, and he doesn't get to turn that off.

(13:03):
Do you understand he has a team full of people
underneath him that are waiting years just to stir the beans.
He he is so highly regarded in his in his profession.
I feel like you could give him a little more
respect here at the home. I don't know, I mean,
like even then, Okay, wrapped burrito is still pretty good.

(13:24):
Oh my god, Like Susie dalton Um, this is our
first official, you know, meeting, and we're going to be
doing this once a month for the first few months,
and then once we hit the second trimester, I'll be
coming in, uh bye week by twice a month, and

(13:46):
then once you hit the third trimester, I'll be coming
in once a week. So right now, um, I just
kind of want this to be a cool intro. So
dalton Um, tell me, yeah, really about you and your
journey and this pregnancy thus far. Well, it's been hard,

(14:09):
and you know, I'm I'm a postman. Uh and you know,
no rain, nor sleep, no whatever will keep me away.
So I've just been out delivering a lot, and uh,
this is one delivery I'm super nervous about Yeah, I'm
going to take care of the delivery this time. Honey.
That's just I'm sorry, Dalton was talking. Dalton. I would

(14:32):
just love to know about your journey into fatherhood and
how your body is feeling right now. Well, you know,
I'm a little, uh a little nervous. I got butterflies
in my stomach. Uh. You know, I was hoping that
the butterflies would go away and one to two days,
but it's looking like three to four days potentially Nextkay,

(14:58):
you're feeling a kick first time, Esther. Yes, I don't know.
I that's I know it's a it's a blueberry right now.
It's a blueberry right now. But I'm feeling is it
Is it a phantom kick? I don't know. Well, that's
really really incredible. I'm sorry, honey, right now, I'm priority.

(15:18):
May also, let's go ahead. No, you understand I only
bring the best tortillas to the best burritists, and you
understand that you are my the top burritists have been
for a long time. What's this about, Antonio? This feels

(15:40):
like preamble to something I don't want to hear. Well,
you might want to hear part of it. You definitely
I'm just gonna say it, Okay, I came across the
batch of the Guatemalan corn tortillas that the Aztecs made.
What the Aztec tortillas? The very one. Hold on, let

(16:01):
me shut the door. No more customers for the next
few minutes. All right, that should keep everyone out. Good, good,
But you know it's gonna cost you. I don't have
a lot of money right now, between this restaurant and
and my my child and all the extra small clothes
I have to buy for him. It's not money I'm after.

(16:23):
I mean, we're talking to Aztec tortilla. Yeah, I know
you mentioned that you have a son, do you not? Yes?
What's this about stilt skin? Give me your son and
you'll get the tortillas. What. But that's one thing I've

(16:44):
wanted for my whole lit life. Pit it against the
one thing I've wanted for like eleven months. Oh, I
don't know what to do. The choice is yours. Hey, um,
I need to return this breed out. That tortilla seems
to be thousands of years old. It was not fresh.

(17:06):
I got super sick after a couple of bites. Uh yeah, yeah,
we're doing We're doing an Aztech azchech corn tortillas. Could
could you? Could you make them fresh next time? It
really discuss has covered a mold. Look, we we gotta batch.
We gotta batche of these old Aztec tortillas, and we

(17:27):
gotta use them up first. Like I appreciate the history
of what you're doing here, but and the fact, I
mean there was a search charge. It was you know,
I thought you saw our creams like fifty cents to
a dollar. This was seven hundred dollar search charge. I
didn't notice until after you had swiped my credit card
and your cashier at the time was so enough they
could not reverse the charge. But thought, okay, delicacy, I'll

(17:50):
have it. And then I got super sick to flour
by it's super sick. Brought it back. Now, I'd really
like seven d either in a gift card or put
back into my card. He's well, Dalton, Uh, I'm not
sure why your midwife here ordered the ultrasound, but good
news for you, it turns out those aren't butterflies in

(18:12):
your stomach. Bad news for you. It does look like
whatever you had for lunch, uh was it? It didn't
happen to be thousands of years old? Did it? Uh?
Yeah did I. I went to the Brito Master on
twelfth and um, ah that the one he's using. That

(18:33):
he's using the Aztec toritos. Now, yeah, yeah, that's so,
that's what it was. It's uh, it's just a it's
just a bad burrito in there. You're gonna make a
great father. Well, Hank Jr. Welcome to your new life.
This what is this? What what is going on? Well?
You now work for us. You'll be um digging, you'll

(18:58):
be digging. Okay. Um, we're looking for you know, like
a truffle pig. Right, do you know what those are? Yeah?
I know what a truffle pig is. You seem so confused. Okay,
we took you your took you en a flight to
the Guatemala in jungle to look for more. I know

(19:19):
it's it's a weird time for me to be complaining
now about it, but I'm still I'm still processing this. Look.
I was in seventh grade two days ago. You know,
I befriended a bully. Okay, even though we have nothing
in common. Um, My dad finally stopped wrapping me in
the tightest clothes possible and putting beans in my clothes

(19:42):
for some fucking reason. And now I'm I'm a truffle
pig in Guatemala. That's about it. That's really about it.
That's really about it. Um dad, I'm oh, yeah, I
forgot got No Dad and my friend moved to Guatemala.

(20:03):
This walls all punched out? Do you want to talk
to me? Mom? Is about you right now? I mean,
I'm here for you, I I love you, I'm I'm
happy to help you with whatever. You just don't understand
so much pressure being a seventh grader like no Dad.

(20:26):
You see how loose my clothes arm up there? Loose?
I can get you tight clothes. What do you want
to learn about popping boners? I know about it in
your wife's fanda. I mean, I don't know. I'm just
thinking seventh grade boy, dad? What what am I missing?
I I don't know what he could teach you that

(20:47):
I that I couldn't. It's a special bond between a
kid and his dad and their clothes and being able
to be pinned in them properly. Mom, You'll never get it.
It's not your fault. You just and understand it. I'm
sure you had a similar relationship with your mom. Like
I would have had with my dad, but he wasn't there,
So you know, it's gonna be hard for me. And

(21:08):
I'm gonna always have these daddy issues. Everything I ever
do will be daddy issues. Alright, screenplays, daddy issues, everything
will be that. Well, fuck me, then, I guess. And
that seemed to all right. It seemed to comes to

(21:30):
us from alchemy v I p Oystein, Hans Guard gels Vic.
I actually put this into Google treads late this morning. Um,
and I'm I'm not too far away from the from
how it sounded Oystein, Hans Guard gaels Vic. Um. And
they write in Norway, when a situation is real crazy,

(21:54):
we say that is completely Texas, referring to the actual
I know, referring to the actual state of Texas. US
don't know why Wild West movies maybe, So that's my suggestion.
Things go completely Texas. Love what you do, oh with

(22:16):
a line through it, which is called a minuscule. Oh,
I love that. Thank you. Get in here, yes, ma'am,
Get in here right now, yes, ma'am. What what what
is it? Doctor? We needs you to take over this surgery.
It was supposed to be a routine app inducting me.
It's gotten completely Texas in there. Oh no, oh my gosh,

(22:40):
I mean Dr Hoisting's just completely lost it. Dr doc
will be could you not called Dr Steering? I can't
find I've been paging him. He's not answering his page.
I just ran into you, and ma'am, I look, I'll
do what you say. You're the administrator of this entire hospital.
I just want to know what I'm getting into if

(23:01):
I go in there and things have gone Texas? Are
we talking bell buckles and cowboy hats? Okay, okay, okay,
toss out appendix in the air. I'm gonna shoot it. Yeah,
you got it. Mr al Right, who morning, babe. Oh
my head it's pounding. I know mine too. What if

(23:23):
we do last night? I don't know. I'm gonna open
my phone and look through some pictures. Maybe we can
out right right? Oh, ship, baby, I think you and
I went completely Texas last night? What like I felt like,
I mean I should have stopped when things went sort

(23:46):
of wyoming? I know, I know, funk, we went full
blown Texas last night. I bet that means we've got
a lot of apologies to make. I got to call
a lot of the friends. Uh ship, it looks like
we actually vandalized property. Yeah. Hey, well we gotta stop
going Texas. I mean, look, we need to get some help.

(24:07):
Last week you went full on Florida. That was terrible,
but completely Texas. We've never gotten there. I know this
is the bottom I imagine. Yeah, me too. Well, maybe
we should piece together what happened from these photos and
just work backwards memento style sounds good. Well, if we're
gonna start at the end, is that how we would

(24:29):
do that? Yeah? My most my most recent picture is
at the police station. Maybe we don't go there first, Okaya?
Oh god, have you been seeing the news about the
whole Supreme Court and everything? This whole country has gone
completely Texas. It's a disaster. Yeah, I mean, look, I'm

(24:52):
I'm I'm looking at the paper this morning. I'm I
see every everything about this country is making me just
is just as angry as a cow in a pasture. Y'all?
What is going on? Oh? No, Dillard Mallory. You I
told you before we got married. I said, we're going

(25:16):
to couple's counseling and we're gonna work some things out
before we officially take the vows and within that you
found out that I have a problem problem with chick
going Texas. If you're gonna go Texas on me, I'm
moving to Norway. I don't, please don't move to Norway.
I know we've been working on this, We've been working
through it. I don't know if mercuries and retrograde or

(25:36):
if the sun's just shining over the range. Oh no,
I'm so sorry. I do I still have any of
those pills left? Well? Sorry, you could see I got
a foot over there. It looks like small intestine over there.
Sound an ear and some teeth. I mean, what the
hell happened here? I don't want to say it, But

(25:59):
whoever did this obviously well you know, no say it,
Lieutenant Serge. Whoever did this went completely Texas. We're dealing
with the psycho pass Arge. We're dealing with someone that
has no regard for human life, obviously, not even regard

(26:22):
for the artistry of killing. Captain. Captain, we've got a
new uh thing in in this invest in this case,
A new thing, Yes, a new thing in this case.
I'm Captain. By the way, I don't know if I
can handle more. He's Serge. I'm I'm serge who's highed, Well,

(26:42):
you're lieutenant, you outrank me, but I think collectively we
are we are yes place you were saying. Turns out
those body parts and pieces we found something on them.
Oh coreat a dry rub, dry rock, dry rub. Alright,

(27:03):
this has going completely Texas spies dry rub, seven different
spices and one. Oh god, I knew something was up
when we waited four hours to get into this crime scene.
It's making me feel like perhaps there's more that we
haven't uncovered. So I'm going to take it on my
own volition. If you, if you approve as the collective

(27:25):
captain to go sniff out and search out any Look,
I'm sorry, you need a signature from a captain on this. This.
I see you got a signature from a lieutenant and
one from ass sergeant. I don't not like math they
look if you want, if you want to check out
things from the thing locker, you're gonna have to get

(27:46):
me a captain signature on this. I can't. I can't
just release things to a deputy like that. I mean,
what can I say together there, captain? So I don't
think that's it. Look, we I appreciate you. I know
your happy. I've seen you come in here and tearing
through boxes with a flashlight. I'll sign it for you,
but I'm a captain c ap apostrophe and I I

(28:10):
have cereal. I don't know if this will fly, but
i'll I'll sign it for you. Listen, I just need
the thing on the things that I can go to
the thing. Okay, all right, you know I got to
tell you when I signed my name as signatures, just
a C C captain crunch. I don't have time. People
want to understand, um, babe. So this is where. This

(28:31):
is the last place I remember having a drink. Okay,
I think you and I ordered to audios Amarillo's right.
Yeah that sounds that sounds sort of familiar, ring a
little bit of a bell. Yeah, we had a sip. Right,
Did you guys want to have a seat today or Hi?

(28:52):
Do you did you work last night? Buddy tunes? I
work every day. It's really grilling. Oh it's a quick
turnaround for you. Um, I'm sorry about that. Yeah. There's
no union, like, there's nothing to stop them from giving
me just four hours off in between shifts. It's an
absolute nightmare. But unfortunately we do have rules here, so

(29:14):
you either need to sit and enjoy. Do you recognize us?
Do you recognize us from last night? So many people?
So many people? Maybe if I hear you talk a
little more. I'm a very oratory well based based on
one of the videos I saw, heard you a lot.

(29:35):
Can I hear you a little more? Ma'am? Um? Sure?
I mean if the thing is is like, this is
how I normally talk. But we kind of fear that
we went completely Texas last night. Recognized So it's possible
that I was like, Hi, yeah, does that sound right?
And I was like I was like, yeah, like this
is yes, this is very much so ringing bells, yes

(30:00):
it so? Did you want the same table? No? No, no, no,
no no, we gotta keep retracing our steps. Thank you
for your time, and hey, you know, maybe look for
somewhere else to work. You got a lot of nerve
coming back into this Arby's So sorry. Was it the

(30:21):
big hat that's what drew you in? Because you went
completely Texas when you were here last night? Shoot, no,
we want to say sorry. We're just piecing together. We're
just piecing together what happened last night? We're good people.
Why don't you look on your phone. That'll tell you
what happened last night. You were shooting wide angle videos
from the top of the counter here, getting Horsey sauce
on as many people as you could inside this place.

(30:43):
I never seen more you mean, thank god? I didn't
know if that was Horsey saucer or not. Come on,
come on you, we went completely Texas. I didn't know. Look,
we're sorry. Look, we love arbies, we love your roast beef.
I always get like the big pound one. I get
as much on there as possible. Um, but we just

(31:06):
we can't take responsibility for going completely Texas. You understand, like,
we're sorry, but we're sorry. We weren't ourselves. That's the
worst apology I've ever heard. We can't take responsibility. What
kind of an apology is? We can't take responsibility. You
went Texas in my franchise? All right, um, officer, So

(31:29):
what what what? What? What did you dig up in
those boxes? Any any, any any evidence that might direct
us to who this killer was. Now, I said, I
saw that you mentioned that there was a little bit
of a of a sauce sauce in a was so
surprising because I was expecting it just to be a
dry rub situation, and then all of a sudden, there's
a wet sauce. So I'm thinking we're going completely Texas,

(31:52):
We're going north south east west, and maybe we're even
and I didn't taste it, but it was a very
dark and hue, and we might even be going text
mex We might even be dealing with the mole. I'm
not sure, but again, if I can get your collective
captain approval, I would love to even go further, get

(32:14):
out of the walls of this precinct and take my
investigation to the streets. I think that there may be
some slow roasting pits search. I can only think of
one other time we you and I had to come
together for a secature. We did a go stop. I
got behind you, held your hand in mine. I remember vividly.

(32:40):
It seems like maybe we got to do that one
more time to give her the access she needs. I
actually think it could be an oral thing. I don't
think I need a physical No no, no, no, Well,
we'll see where it goes. We'll see where it goes,
we'll start it, We'll see if it gets to an orbles. Yeah,
so you're saying start with hands maybe and in oral
where it goes? All right again, this is not a

(33:03):
captain's signature. And why is this paper wet? I'm not
taking this like look, don't do you not understand? Just
let me out of the precinct. I don't know why
you guys keep me in here. I've been home in
three years. Yeah, you gotta stay in here right now.
Things are hot and get over here. Listen. Don't you
know there's a mole in this precinct. Somewhere there's a mole.

(33:27):
I heard it on the street. I found it. Wait
what I'm not we mean you found it? You trying
to say, oh, baby, huh, I didn't realize I skipped
over some stuff that you had air dropped to me
last night. Okay, well we're finally within reception. It probably

(33:50):
just came in. You're so, you're so smart and like reasonable, baby?
Were we were we do we have our hands and intestines?
Last night? Um that I do remember, Yes, Yeah, I

(34:11):
was hoping we wouldn't piece it together. Um. I started
to come out of the Texas when we were in
the middle of so many body parts. From what I
can only assume was us going so Texas that we
were shooting first, taking questions later, we just we we.
I think that's why we end up in the police
station because I was trying to establish an alibi for us. Okay,
but you're so smart. You're probably smarter than any captain

(34:34):
or sergeant or lieutenant or anybody they might have on
that four. So surely you covered our tracks. Surely there's
no evidence leading to us, right, baby, Well, I did
a trail. Of course. He saw us leading back to
the RBS. That matches the DNA of the manager there,
so if anything goes correctly, they'll pin it on him.
I love you here, and we have some that gatory, babe,

(34:58):
what a day? Hey, we gotta get some help. Yeah,
I think so. I mean, yes, we just framed an
innocent franchise owner of a fat whose places probably barely
making ends meet. But I think it's time to take
some responsibility in our own lives, and we killed somebody.
I wasn't even in a hospital last night. What are

(35:20):
you talking about? Shooting A shooting an appendix? I gotta know, Look, Deputy,
no offense. But if I'm gonna be sitting in here
in this derogation room, I don't know I should be
talking to at least a cap And I know, I'm
just I'm feeling like really really uh uh, but Cavin Fever,

(35:43):
I'm just I'm feeling like I gotta, you know, get out.
And you're from the outside. I just wanted to connect
with you. But um, how long you've been wearing those clothes?
What does it smell like? It smells like I've been
rolling around in beans. And let me tell you, it's
not that I've just haven't. I've been wearing in the
same clothes and we're in the same clothes for about
three years. I'm gonna get you that, Captain. I'm gonna

(36:04):
get you that, Captain. You've had good cop, now have
bad cops. Everything's wet now, man, what time to confess
a cat? Look listen, captain, I wasn't even at the hospital.
I was at my Arby's. We got video footage of
an Arby. Some crazy lady was in there last night

(36:27):
shooting Horsey sauce all over the place. You'll probably see
me in the background at a video at some point
video evidence. Hull. Take a look. I do like Rby.
It's a big hat like mine. It is a big
hat like yours. Yes, Oh baby, what a day. But
you know what, we're good to this relax. I watch

(36:47):
a little TV. No one's gonna come to our door.
What I said, no one come to our right? Is
someone knocked at our door? All right? But I mean
to day is no one's coming, No one's bugging us,
No one's gonna knock on our door. Okay, you're hearing that.

(37:07):
I am stop setting it up. And they looked at
the people here. Excuse me? Did you perform a routine
appen deck to me last night? Shit, we want to
hire you. We need surgeons. You did a great job.

(37:28):
Please taking it face value, go for it. Okay? Hi? Hello, Hi?
Uh you know for a fact that we were at
a hospital last night performing surgeries. Yes, yes, we we have.
We have camp footage and we're not in trouble. Well, look,

(37:52):
things went completely Texas in our operating room last night,
and then I guess things are also going completely Texas
for you in your lives because obviously you blacked out.
You performed a routine surgery, but you really got us
out of a bind there. And uh, I just smell
like beans. Uh you're you're alone? Right? Yeah? Sorry, I

(38:14):
I'm it's just a cold day, and I'm just wearing
my old, my old childhood jacket. As long as you're
not some deputy is trying to make a name for
herself by capturing two people who committed to haynge this crime.
As long as you're not that, we're no. No, that's
that's not that's not me. Because if my phone, if
my phone ring, sorry if I wasn't the guy you

(38:36):
were expecting, but this I'm the guy who's here. I'm
the guy who's here, and I'm offering you a job
for us that life is gonna go. Life goes the
way that it goes. Second, seeing the ring comes to

(39:00):
us from alchemy v I P. Pat scene, Pat says,
hey gang scene suggestion. The people and their auditions for
the canned laugh tracks on comedy shows. The people and
their auditions for the can laugh tracks on comedy shows.
Keep up the amazing job, Pat. Great, I see from
your head shot here that you did lear on Broadway?

(39:25):
Is that true? This? Wowd leerd leer many times? How
that is? That is great? Can you can you? Um,
you know what, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna give
any notes yet. B wins and crack wow for this weird,
just looking for sort of a gentle titter like like.

(39:46):
It's not the funniest joke of the of the scene,
but you know it made you laugh a little. All right,
are we rolling? Whenever you're ready? Who? Wow? Do you
mind if I give you a little adjustment? Yes? Please,

(40:08):
I I enjoy a direction. Imagine, okay, imagine in this
moment that you are Prince Hamlet, and Prince Hamlet has
just seen that he's also played Hamlet. Congratulations, I see
it right here. It's actually six lines on your resume.
It just you've played all of these characters in Hamlet. Yes,
I played Gertrude, now Claudius, that's Horatio. I played ros

(40:34):
and Grants and Gilderstein. Gilderstein, this this, this is. It
looks like these are all from the same production. Is
that did you do these all at once? I one
man Hamlet? That is that's impressive. So this time some
would say I'm patting my resume, but I I'm proud

(40:54):
of all that. I take everything that comes across my
desk at face value. If you say you did it,
you did it, and I am excited for you. I
just like a gentle titter like it's a kind of
a kind of funny thing happened. I don't know, can
you can you say something funny to just to cue me,
mildly funny, something mildly funny. Uh sure? How about Um,

(41:20):
I just flew in from Stratford upon Avon and uh
boy or my arms tired? Oh good sir. This is
my It's like my second acting class. The first one
was like more on camera stuff, so I'm trying to
work on my voice stuff as well. Just really I
want to be like, you know, ready to go in

(41:41):
any situation. It's actually really hard to break out into
the theater, so I just know that it's a little
bit easier to do the whole on camera thing. Mm hmm.
I feel like they're just they're just different. But what
do I know if you're just looking to round it out,
but if you're looking to um build up your resume,

(42:04):
just be aware, you know, this is pretty cutthroat this
class or this this industry in general, this class and
this industry both Well, I've got a thick skin and um,
I've got some range, as they say, so I'm really
looking forward to just like you know, working with the
master himself or herself. He's incredible. He's absolutely incredible, and

(42:27):
he does pick favorites. He does. Oh yeah, you're obviously
we're are one of his favor are your t a
or no? I've just been taking this class for the
past eight years. Eight years. Yeah, So you know, he
knows me, and I know him, and he knows my
my power, my strengths, and together we work on my weaknesses.

(42:51):
I I got a friend who's like always making stuff,
you know, So that's like I'm working of like putting
together some like photoge do with that. But right now
we're working on some like straight up voice stuff. Just knock, knock,
Who's who's at the door? Who is that? Who's at
the door? Why it's me? Both is a mackintrick, Shakespearean actor,

(43:18):
voice teacher. Just sorry, I'm late. I just came from
a gig. Oh I've been hired to provide laughter for
for multi camera sitcoms with prerecorded laugh tracks. Are we

(43:38):
going to be working on that in here? Why don't we?
Why don't we? So? I prepared my my monologues, okay,
contrasting trasting monolog minds contemporary at You're a new face,

(44:00):
are you not? Yes? Yes, yes, sir, Yes, sir, don't
bother telling me your name. I won't learn it. And
you you've been you've been here before. I live here practically, yes, yes, Well,
why don't you do your first monologue? Great? Okay, great,
you're not going to do the whole voice thing. Well,

(44:21):
I'm going to practice some of my canned laughs as
you do. Why don't you do your comedy monologue first? Okay,
and I will regale you with laughter. Okay, great, and
here it goes class. Everybody pay attention to me, look
up at me. Now you are a new here. But

(44:49):
so no, no, just continue a monologue. I'm just going
to pepper pepper and laughs. Doesn't sure whether you're trying
to give me notes at the same time. No, no, no,
keep going. I was delivering a mild titter. Okay, great.
My name is miss Wasta. But that's w A s
t A b A. That's pronounced wall star. Ah, that's

(45:13):
walls and water f t asn't tatar star was Oh boy,
oh my gosh, this is so crazy. I'm like a
huge fan. I know it's just the same audition, but like,
I love you, I'm a huge fan of yours. H

(45:36):
what what do you know me from your student? Like,
I'm in your classes and you looked you looked, you
looked familiar. Now here we are the same roll? Roll?
All right, I'm gonna bring you both in at the
same time on this one. If that's okay, we're running
a little up, we're running a little late you guys,
mast and student U sure cut, come on in, both

(45:57):
of you. Great, so thank you for coming in h
in this scene right here. We're what we're going to need.
We'll just go one at a time, and we just
want the sound that's made on a sitcom. When the
will they won't they couple kisses the first time? All right?
Does everybody have that? You're ready? And who's going first baths?
Mckintrick or this fellow? Um, why don't we start with

(46:20):
Why don't we start with this fellow? What's your name? Um?
Won't let it? Uh? Kyle? Okay, Kyle? Whenever you're ready?
M hmm, will you give me a brief leading a scenario?
Where's the first kiss? Sure? Thank you so much. That

(46:45):
was great. That was great? Thanks? Now? Um? Uh, balth
is our just about is it? It's Mr Experience actor
voice teacher can laugh track master whenever you're ready. M hm, whoa, Shannon,

(47:09):
He's never going to learn your name. I mean, you
were working on the lot to bury whatever that is
monologue for months and he he gave you a mild gaffall.
That was it. That's what was so hurtful. I'm used
to not hearing laughs. That's fine, if you don't want
to laugh, that's fine, But to verbalize it like that

(47:30):
was so mocking to me. And but now I'm starting
to think he's doing this on purpose because he knows
that my dramatic piece, my dramatic monologue is me having
to feel less than and confronting a father figure about
never being good enough. And maybe he's just trying to
spur that within me, and he thinks he probably thinks

(47:52):
I'm great. I was just trying to spurre that with me.
Or it's time to move on to his acting class
that you've been it for years, Balthazar. It's really nice
to have you in now. This is a big network,
as you know, it's one of the biggest networks in
TV land. You know, it's not TV Lander network. It's
just I'm just saying, I don't know. I thought this

(48:14):
was no, no, no, so uh, here's the thing. We've
received a handful of your auditions, and well, we love
we love it, we love it. And as a matter
of fact, we are here to pitch you on a
show idea that would be Greenland. If you accept, we'll
shoot twenty three episodes right now. If you say yes,

(48:36):
here's the idea. All right, I'm waiting. You're the actor
and you're the canned laughter. Let it digests, let it,
let us sink in. You've understand we're competing with these
streaming services now right. You know they're they're they're they're

(48:57):
flipping the script as it were. They're they're they're trying things.
And you know, we're old and the script, the script
is king the words of the bar. That's what I'm saying.
That's what I'm saying. Anyone here wants to do unscripted work,
it's bullshit. There's no art in that unscripted You know that, right?
But can I see what you've written here? May I?

(49:19):
May I essay an attempt? This is our screenwriter right here.
As a matter of fact, I won't learn your name.
He well, let me see who's at the door. Why
it's my neighbor Barrel Prescott, who what what O? Good?

(49:47):
Sir Ah. I know it's hard to determine which is
the dialogue my reaction, but what we know, you know
this is great. I saw you do your one man Hamlet,
your woman Romeo and Juliet. You're one man twelve Night,
and like, we just thought that this one man show
for you on the network would just be amazing, and
it is. I mean, you're bringing my words to life.

(50:09):
Did you enjoy in Romeo and Juliet when I deflowered myself?
Now those are This is also a little unorthodox. But
we understand that you teach the classes, is that right? Yes,
if that could be a teaching element to this, well,
not necessarily. But there's one other character, just just one
that we'd like to hand out to, maybe one of

(50:29):
your best students, somebody you've known for a while. Uh,
someone that you have a real, real rapport with, so
you could bounce off of each other. Okay, nobody comes
to mind. Nobody comes to mind. Well, maybe maybe I
think you teach tonight Tonight's Wednesday Night, Right, you teach teaching, Burbank,
I do, Okay, so maybe I do. I teach it

(50:52):
a former Storage Locker and Jenny Punskansky. And do you
also need me to say my uh, my resume, my
experience in my slate or just the name. That's alright,
miss Pistonski. Um, we can just go right ahead and

(51:12):
and uh and you can jump right into the scenes.
Has I've taken eight years of dramatic arts that storage
locker and Burbank. I see that, and I see that. Um,
that's you just wrote that on your resume. Well, I
haven't really big, Yes, I haven't gotten That's where I

(51:36):
do my acting. That's where I do most of my
acting thus far. But I'd love to I'd love to
add this to the to the to the resume. I
would love to add this. Wow, it's it's actually resume. Um,
but we will. Let's go ahead, and I'd like you
to take a look at the point in the story
where it's going between act two and Act three, and
a big bit of information has just been veiled by

(52:01):
Balthazar to Balthazar, and we want you to see if
we can compliment what Balthazar did in the In the
initial recording of yeah, he started interrupt I'm so I'm
in the middle of anhoe I'm so sorry to interrupt.
I'm so sorry to interrupt. Um network wants to turn
this into a chemistry read both is our here? He's here.

(52:27):
I'm so sorry to interrupt. Oh no, that's that's totally fine.
Well knock, knock, knock. Who's there? Wells the door while
it's me Mr chist and chemistry. Yes we are, and
and and how lucky to have such rapport already. Yes,
I'm Balthazar by the way, Yes, yes, I'm in your

(52:50):
Wednesday night class. Have been for a used Jenny's say
that last thanks and spellered forward T A S T
K I K I S C H I. I won't

(53:11):
learn that dame. I can guarantee you I won't learn
that name. Ah, let's commence. I'm so sorry, I am
so sorry. What there's been some changes, and screenwriters here
implement some of those. If I swear, if you interrupt

(53:32):
one more time, I'm going completely Texas on you. All right,
It's okay, Look, it's I mean, look, you're from the network,
so you get to do whatever you want, so bring
the screenwriter in. As always, I will respect the written word. Sorry, okay,
so here the changes? Um, wait, really quick, both star. Um,
did you do your solo production of The Tempest back

(53:57):
in Akron? And yes, yes, that was me. Did you
meet a young lady there? Um that might have gone
backstage and um sounds like me. Yes, I think you're

(54:19):
my dad. What that's what we needed to Matchine, that's
what we need to Matchine. That's our show. Oh my gosh.
All right, Um, I mean come on, that's fun. We're
having fun. We're having fun. Looking at my notes, uh

(54:39):
and it says and that's our show and that's true.
Let's thank all of our alchemists. Shall we see what
we're up to. Cole Stratton, thank you so much for
joining us. Where can we find you? What's going on? Well?
I guess my neighborhood is burning down right now, so
it might be my last episode ever. I do live

(55:00):
on a very busy street. Uh, not so much at Stratton.
Cole at Cole Stratton on the Socials SF Sketch Fest
coming back in January from the previous January. We'll do
shows eventually. Uh, pretty Pretty Pony first Thursday every month
the Westside Comedy Theater. Yeah, that's about it. Awesome, Thank you,
thank you for being here. Jackie Druthy was I'll never

(55:23):
get over that. I do it. I do it to
everyone who calls me. It's so, I'll never let it go.
I love a good commercial. I really like a lot
of good ad campaign just makes me go all right,

(55:46):
you got me there. I'm at Jackie d Ruthie on
Instagram and that's where I post when I have shows
much like the Pretty Pretty Pony Show, um and things
like that. So lots of fun things to look forward to.
Keep your eyes peeled. Okay, we'll do Craig Atkowski, Why man,

(56:12):
I love this so much? Well, of course, my favorite
ad campaign is for Arby's, uh you know, the voice
of being saying we have the meats. But a lot
of people think that RBS would stand for Roast Beef
right being their signature product RB. But in fact it

(56:35):
was founded in Boardman, Ohio by Forest and Leroy Raffle,
the Raffle Brothers, the rs B, the RBS. The RB
stands for Raffle Brothers, not Roast Base. I thought someone's
name r B a r B. Can we get about
there doing what's up? I think we need to hear
that what's up? Cool? That was perfect and last but

(57:05):
not Lea's Mark Gagliardi give me outway. It feels good,
It feels good, it feels good. Oh, what's going on? Uh?
You can find uh we got this with Mark and
Howe on the Maximum Fun Network. Uh. And look out
for Blood and Treasure season two coming out soon. Yes, yes,

(57:26):
indeed yeah, And thanks for and you didn't Are you
crushed it today? Chris? Oh my gosh, thanks so much,
thanks so much, and let's thank our engineer and produce
it to the stars Mr Doug and the fine folks
at I Heeart Media. I have been your host, Chris Albarado,

(57:47):
and I thank you for listening, and until next time
at a football of co