December 17, 2019 • 54 mins
Cat Miners; Passengers On A Magic School Bus; Court Jesters Must Entertain Sir Marvin McHugh.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This Cool Stratton
here filling in for Kevin Pollock, who wanted to be
here today, but I was given visitation rights to the podcast.
Let's meet her Alchemist Shelley in no particular orders, say
hello to everyone's favorite android, Joey Greer. Joey, what have
you been programmed to do to fuck ship? Oh? Man? Yep?
(00:25):
Next up. He's the world's biggest Imagine Dragons fan. Craig Kakowski,
huge fan, radioactive man. Yeah, Craig? What makes him so
goddamn appeeling? I think, uh, first of all the bass,
and then you add in the drums, you put guitar
on top of that, and you had vocals. I think
you have a rock band, that's right, And they check
all those boxes all right. He's the CEO of the
(00:46):
Big Johnson T shirt company. Chris Alvarado. Chris, what new
edgy shirts have you drummed up for the holiday season? Nice?
Is what excited about that? I've heard? What is? Uh? Um?
So it's a shirt that doesn't fit you very well?
What's up? Because when you say it doesn't fit you
(01:07):
very well? Is it too big or too small? That's
the thing you don't know you said us your size
will send you a nil fitted shirts. And finally it's
the board game King of the USA James Heeney. What's
the best tabletopper out there? I think Tabletop Simulator on
Steam is the best tabletop game there is now there.
It's it's great to have a tabletop experience in real
(01:28):
life with people, but you can play any tabletop game
over the Internet with anyone anywhere. Tabletop Simulator, get it now.
I don't think you answered this question. What was question?
I think it was like, what what's the best tabletop game? Okay? Well,
I like the game code names, especially if you're playing
with people from around the world, because their interpretations of
words can sometimes make the game. Saying here, I don't
(01:50):
have enough hours in my day to like eat enough meals,
and the idea that you spend all this time knowing
this and playing games is like, I'm envious at that
time you have. If you should come over sometime, I
don't have time, but we'd like to invite you to
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(02:10):
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(02:31):
Patreon dot com slash alchemy this. All of today's scene
suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails. If you'd like
to submit yours, please write to the podcast at your
name here at alchemy this dot com. Once again, your
name here at alchemy this dot com for our first scene.
Hello Alchemists, you are all amazing. With all the laughter
you spread, it would be hard not to love you.
(02:52):
The only way I could love you more is if
you help me celebrate my brothers. I think thinks supposed
to be brothers, but it is father's birthday, but choosing
his in suggestion from one of your episodes suggestion cat
miners have fun with that and thanks again. Listening with
cheer kelby p S. James Heeney for president. Oh my gosh,
I should I should register. They'll be fine, all right, now, look,
(03:19):
we gotta make sure the mine is clear. Can we
got a couple of tabby means over here that we
got a hit? All right? Now, look, we got two
hours until we gotta go out of here. There's a
leak in the top set. Are you okay? On my back? Wait? Wait?
Get up? Yeah, I can't. I can't wait here. Let
me hoist jump on my shoulder. No, it's just sort
of here. How to take up your shoulders? Listen, there's
(03:41):
a lot of people counting on you. Delete. It's your body.
I think I might know what's wrong here, don Jim.
Our canary has that again, but it's because of the
cats keep eating it, so we don't have We don't
actually know what. We don't know if there's a gas
lake or not. It's just the cassine in the canary,
(04:02):
that's right. But based on what I'm seeing here, I'm
thinking there's some toxic fumes in this mind. You know
what I don't. I don't want to startle anybody, but
I feel like I can hear a tweeting from his throat.
Maybe he maybe he ate the canary over your shoulder.
We'll put him down down, Jim, Jim. Look, at that Jim, Jim,
did you eat the canary? Tell the truth? She was
(04:23):
looking pretty smug. Yeah. I don't have an analogy, but
I don't know. Okay, bitch, we were counting on you,
all right, I see we killed Jim. Kill him or
you gonna put him out of his misery. I mean,
I'm sorry, but there's been a collapse at the cat mind.
(04:46):
Oh my god, this is catastrophic. Oh no, we're so
invested in this. Okay, Well, what's the what's the casualties?
And the casualties look like right now? About fifteen men
and cats? Oh god, no, is there anyone can leave
them out of their laser? Point them to freedom or something.
(05:06):
I don't know. We're working on a alternate mind thing
whenever shaft to get them up. I'm just so flushed
with everyone. I get it past. I don't know. It's
a tough time. We don't have terminology right now. The
investors are gonna freak. I mean, if they don't, they
don't have to know. Okay, they don't have to know
that the cat mind collapsed. Cap mind? What honey, what
(05:28):
are you guys talking about? Another? Go back to your
Canasta game? Are you sure? It sounds important. I heard
something about the mind collapse. The mind's fine, he's our
minds are collapsing. Over all the money we're gonna makeing.
I'm gonna go finish this can I don't speak English. Okay,
see how place can? Asked by herself. Don't know how
she does it. That's amazing. Solo solo. So looking at
(05:50):
is not a four person game, it really is. She
pulls it out. She goes to different chairs as different
personalities per player. All right, man, look before we figure
out you get out of this mind, we need to,
uh first, make a couple of things. Clear, raise your hand.
If you're the oxygen, everyone, just save me the oxygen
you're getting. You're a cat? First, there's so much sitting here.
(06:12):
I can't tell who's a man, who's a cat? Okay,
I can I can here. I can't see a cat.
I can't see arms being raised. I'm panicking here, I've
got Are you a cat or a cat? I swear
to I'm not a cat? Alright? Any question that the
human would only know it sounds good? Okay? Um who
won the Super Bowl last year the Patriots? Is that true? Alright? Jim?
(06:36):
Jim Now you may or may not eating a canary.
So are you a cat or are you a man?
You ate the canary? We eat birds, meat, turkey. That
he's breathing really heavily, like a calengar. Dohn want you
ask him a question? Only human one now? All right?
Uh in uh Okay, here's is a good question. Okay,
(07:01):
the highway flooral five? Which direction? Does it go on
a compass? The California Highway? Yes, on a compass? Which
if you had a language stone, and if I had
the language stone, whips way with the four? Alright, alright,
(07:24):
I think it's one more person when you gotta ask Larry,
I'm insulted by the question. We've worked together in this
gap mine for twenty years. I'm never seriously as I've
never seen outside. Okay, you're always covered and so it
I can't tell. Look. I do doubles, I do triples.
I work long hours here in the mine. That doesn't
(07:45):
sound to me like he's really defied to find whether
he's a can't really die here? Okay, you want me
to ask him a question? Ask you a really good question.
Mine fell flat a little bit. I don't know. I
think yours is pretty good all right, here's a good question. Uh,
it's the difference between geometry and algebra. What I don't
know that I don't know. I don't know. I didn't
(08:06):
go to school. I'm a cat miner for God's Okay, okay,
question guys, guys, I found I found a passage of
small too small passage. But I found a passage. But
here's the rub that goes through the dog cavern. Well,
I'm fine with that. I could go through dog cavern.
I lets jump to Uh, it's not too rash here.
(08:28):
Why would you be afraid of dogs? I'm not afraid
of dogs. I'm saying it's small. It's a small passageway.
So you're the goddamn Maybe you're the goddamn cat. Ask
me any goddamn question. Why did you just poop in
that sand over there? Yeah? Okay, Now I answer all
the questions one at a time. Okay, so hold on
(08:50):
just one. My kids want cats for Christmas. Okay, we're
gonna be cats for Christmas, cats for Christmas. I'm gonna
just answer that one right out of the the gate. Okay,
we all want cat answer my questions. I'm gonna answer
these questions at a time. Okay, we all want cats
for Christmas? Will there be cats? But listen, I will
(09:13):
answer all of these questions one at a time. We
have a team going down there making sure the cats
are safe. Okay, those are our priorities, Sir, Sir, sir.
Will there be a new Jingle Cats album this year?
With the collapse in the mind? Look, we all want
a new Jingle Cats album? Alright, we all want that.
I'm gonna answer these questions one at a time. This
(09:34):
town depends on supplying cats to the world market. Yes
it does, Yes it does. Now I'm gonna answer these
questions one at a time. All right, a couple of things. One,
we're on break, So go ahead and down, lick yourselves
and check. I've gotten word that the cat mine is collapsed. Good, good,
(10:01):
Well it's good because we hate them, but cat but
it's uh, it's better because there's free cats over there. Free.
The only problem is would have to go through the
through the human hole to get to the cat. Human.
I'm not going through a human hole. Why what aren't
(10:22):
you a dog miner? Dog? A minor dog miner. I'll
ask you one question only dogs would know. Okay, all right,
are you a good boy? Are you good boy? Are
you good boy? All right? Okay, I'm good boy. I'm
man's best friend. Holes okay, human holes guys. The veterinarian
(10:51):
told me, I have black lung. Huh. Vey told me.
I'm sorry, Um, you're you're just We're gonna have to
restend your minding card. You're not you're not able to
mind a take. I'm sorry. You can't have a dog
with a job. Maybe you can catch or something, but
(11:13):
you can't take anymore. I'm sorry, too old to catch.
I can't jump no more. All I know how to
do is mine for coal. If a dog mine, then
we're gonna have to put you down. How are you
gonna do it? We got a couple of ways. Um,
one this we can strangle you. Okay, I'm gonna pass
on that one. Okay, it's two more so. The other
(11:35):
one that we we stab you in your stomach and
just let it bleed. Well, I'd rather be joke to
be honest. Okay, we already passed. You killed the vet?
Killed the vet? Here a man? Whoa? That's you know?
It doesn't sound like across a line. I got a
taste for human. Now you're a were wolf. Well, we
(11:57):
could use that. I'm not a were wolf kind of
wear woman. Wish for sure a werwolf. He's eating people.
I'm not true. I'm not a werewolf. A dog miner.
Why don't we use this, Why don't we go to
the human mind where they're mining cats take over? Okay,
let's have the worold from the back. I don't think
he's actually dog like just tasted human blood. I'm just saying,
(12:20):
that's like a big step. That's a big step forward,
like human best friend werewolves or men who turned into
wolves once a month. I don't know. I don't know that.
I don't know. I don't know. I'm just saying, no,
he's just got a misapprehension about what a werewolf. I
think I know a world, all right. I'm just saying.
I'm just saying I don't. I don't want to point,
like pause or anything, but like, excuse me, O, Hi,
(12:49):
take my helmet off. What's a cat? What's a listening
a cat miner? This is a cat miner? Has your
man have heard? We're not doing so well over there,
and it seems like the humans are going to just
stick dynamite into the entire mountain save themselves and get out. Now.
(13:12):
I know this is against what we normally do, but
we're wondering. I speak for all the cats in the mind.
There's over three thousand of us in this money. If
you would want to join forces and take over the humans,
I mean, you obviously have a werewolf here. Seems like
a werewolf. All of you guys discuss, but they need
(13:37):
the four of us. I want to eat that. I
didn't want to eat that. Cor Yeah, that's a good point. Also, um,
there's five of us, and I know you don't like
me that much, but I still count. He's talking about
the wolf of my own insecurities. Suff suff sure, what
(13:58):
what you need? There's been a shaft collapse in the
cab mine. Shaft collapse in the mine. I was on TV.
I don't know if you've heard. I don't watch television
if it doesn't come in print and it doesn't come
in my worldview. Look, sorry, I understand. Are you just heard? Okay?
I just they're thinking about dynamiting it, but they don't
have dynamite. Sheriff, Sheriff, there's a shaft collapse. Heard you heard?
(14:25):
What are you doing here, Ralph? I was just get
telling about the cheft collapse. I saw you running ahead
of me, but I didn't think that you were also
going to the sheriff. Yeah, well, I feel like a
real shaff Never mind, guys, I'm gonna go home. What
is no No, I'm like party, I'm always time crying. Third,
it's about the shaft collapse that first question. Boys, I
(14:47):
got a big old cardboard box of dynamite on the
bottom floor of the Sheriff's department, and you can just
go get it. It'll help you out real quick. Okay,
so we we grabbing today. Sorry, not so fat my golf.
Y'all want to play with dynamite? Listen, you don't have
a finger left on your stubs. I don't think you
(15:09):
should be playing with the man for the job. I
know what this dynamite better than anyone of you men.
He's been around more than I. He's trying to scratch
the chalkboard, but he's got no fingers. Well, but I
can't imagine what to effect that would happen. Is you
(15:29):
want to take this dynamite, you gotta take me with you.
It looks like he's drilled holes in his stumps so
you could fit a stick of dynamite in there, bingo.
So he just hangs out by the dynamite all day
waiting to get called in action. It's yeah, yeah, well
today's your lucky day. Thank you, sheriff. I'm not going
down to the mine. You're gonna have to find somebody
(15:50):
else to go with you. Well, we got three town criers,
but do we have three town a lot of time
down here thinking you're none of my guy. You don't
need to worry about that. It makes me feel weird.
Stay in your l you're good man, they're good. You
bring the news, but can you bring the booms? You
(16:10):
bring the news, but news that's you. You bring the news. Okay,
so I got good news and band news. Okay, everyone,
listen up, listen up, okay, listen up. I'm started cutting
(16:32):
these cats, and I started wearing their skin, okay, because
maybe maybe the gods of the cats were thinking one
of them and saved us. Okay, at cat skins. Look,
there's everyone, just everyone just wearing when I made one
for everybody. These are too small. My hands are coming
out there. I'm not gonna wear a cat. It's fine.
I'll just wear a cat. Kitty cats. So the good
(16:54):
news is that dogs are going to help us. The band.
News is that guy's wearing us. Your meal. Don't be
so cute, your eyes are so big and watery. Meal
mean meal, mial. Don't forget you're a killer. You're a murderer. Muffins, murderer. Meal. Yeah,
so here come the dogs. I see him. Oh no,
(17:20):
there's a werewolff. There's a wolf wolf. Look at me,
look at my team. Relaxed you and relaxed you. This
is good. All right, I'm one of you. I don't
know what to do. I don't know what to do.
You're not a cat, you're a human. Oh my cat.
I like eating you meal meal dyne in my hands,
(17:47):
mean little wait like smell sausages this way. Don't go.
Don't go with a trick. It's not a trick. Sausages ever, trick.
Just there're sausages here, there's just this is good, Hey,
(18:10):
little puppies. Was this guy's story? Smells like sulfur? You
have human? Don't you know? I'm not human? Man, watch
this trick. I'm gonna stick these dynamite sticks into this
snausage sticks snausage. So we didn't have to come. I
(18:31):
don't know what this is. Oh, we have to like
thee I don't. I don't have any fingers. Here we go,
here boy, here boy, I went out and that our
first sad. We'll never know if they escaped them. I
(18:52):
wonder how that ended. I know to find out some
other week. When somebody suggests got to join the patren.
Oh yeah, it should be a yeah. We only end
our scenes on Patriots. Join the Patreon to find it
who won the super Bowl. Also, I'd be happy to
have some fan fiction right in and they can finish
the ending. It's gonna get so sexual so fast. You
(19:14):
gotta ship the dogs and cats. Everybody said that. Before
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Alchemy during check out. All right, here's our second scene.
Hey alchemists, just want to say, out of all the
hundreds of thousands of podcasts I have to choose from,
yours is the one I go to as soon as
it lands in my feed. Kudos to Kevin for somehow
(21:23):
gathering the perfect cast for this project. I can't choose
a favorite, but when the Australian New Orleans or Stone
Cold Steve Austin voice makes an appearance, I lose my ship.
My scene suggestion a real life Magic School buses made
and a few unlucky contest winners get to be the
first to test it out. Ps the ideas someone mentioned
about making animated skits from parts of the show should
(21:44):
definitely be a thing. Caleb. Alright, so y'all I have
a ticket. Yeah, yeah, that's great. I was expecting it
to be more like the books. You don't look like
you don't look like the teacher from my miss Fristle. No, no,
I don't. You're missing It doesn't matter. I'm missing a
(22:05):
testicle on half of my penis. You want to know you? Yeah,
I was talking about the never mind, like your g
like my grill. These are my real teeth. Yeah, that's
my thought. Yeah that's porcelain. So yeah, it cost me
a lot, alright, and I regret doing it because that
money's wte. I should have just had no teeth and
drink soup, like my goddamn sister said. All right, now,
what what do y'all want? You want to just get
(22:27):
on the bus or sleeping there? I know then this
contest was about to just this is a magic school bus. Yeah,
it's magic Buzz. You're gonna have a teacher join you
or some ship. I don't know that you're not the teacher.
I don't know. Look, I just look over the lot
and they told me that Buzz is coming a whole
bunch of kids with some kind of coupon or I
don't look, man, just get on the damnus alright, kissing right, No,
(22:51):
I put you down when you get on the bus.
All right. Look that bus has got damn magic. I
gotta say this, alright. I've been around this parking lot
for a long Look this thing just shrinks down, jumps
up through time. I've seen it going to humans and such.
It's a terrifying vehicle. I warn you young people. Now,
what if you go inside there? Yeah, they are. That's
(23:15):
another skin condition I have. Okay, half of my liver
was taken from me by a chimpanzee. I don't remember
much of the store, but I remember this zolt alright.
I lost two houses in that goddamn that with the
bus has a lot to do with it, all right. Now,
look you getting side that bus. There's switches, and there's
buttons and knobs that don't want to be preston pulled,
and I recommend doing them all. Hell, you want to
(23:37):
live once. I know that's a contradiction from what I
said earlier with my warning, but I'm gonna funked up.
So if you boys and some girls want to get
on there and have some fun, then, so be it.
I don't mind. This is my parking lot. How's so poetic?
There's switches and buttons and knobs that don't want to
be preston pulled. Alright, my ants are washed. Alright, I
(23:59):
leave if you do it. Children, Okay, maybe the driver
is already on the bus. Maybe hey, sorry, some girls
were late? Some girls? Is this the school bus competition?
There's contest winners thing? May I don't know. My mom
just gave me this ticket and tell me to come here.
Lucky okay, cool nipping? Yeah, yeah, the chocolate bars and
(24:24):
toffee toffee, but that's more expensive. It's small. Yeah, I know.
Why do you tell them we're all around town? I'm
not a prison or anything that's impressive. Can we sit
next to you? Look when I sit around town that
I included the prison in that. Yeah, sit next to me.
(24:46):
You have to understand that bus cannot leave the lot. Okay.
It's magic is too powerful. It'll corrupt anyone who goes inside.
But I've dealt with a lot of magic over the years.
I should be able to contain it and wield and
I'm a wizard. Stand this is beyond anyone's control. It's
science and magic. Do you understand that I've been working
at the Magic Castle for years. I should be able
(25:08):
to wield the power of a magic school. You are
shaking so much. You're shaking so much. I'm an old wizard.
I am sorry. I didn't Mestico. You know we we
added a wizard to the school board a couple of
years ago, just because there was public demand for it.
To be honest, I haven't really seen you perform any
(25:30):
magic or stop any other magic from happening. Oh well,
I haven't seen anyone trying to do magic that I
needed to stop. Are you taunting me up? A frog?
I was backing you up? Sorry, ah, turn him into
a frog. He was backing me up. I don't mean
I don't want to turn me into a frog. Nope, Bob,
(25:50):
I'm not going to just show me the way to
the Bobstico, just turn me into a frog. It's fine, listen.
I'm what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna turn both
of you into frog. But I'm gonna make you think
I didn't. Okay, nothing, you don't think I did. But
school lorder, school board lawyer coming through school board lawyer.
(26:11):
All right, I have a briefcase here opening said briefcase.
There are the waivers. The parents have signed it. It
doesn't matter what happens to the children. We are covered.
So show me the weight of the ball regardless of
being covered. Don't you feel that there's some kind of
like moral ethical the leamit that we're facing it that
even though we know what is, we still have to
do something about it. Look that the children and in
(26:32):
the competition of rules said that if they're sold enough,
they are promised to be shrunken, sent through time and
push and pull levers and buttons that don't want to
be pushing. They understand about kids don't know what they're
actually getting in. Do they think it's part of a game?
This is this is science and math? You do here exactly? Okay,
well I clean right now, but I have a closer
magic act. I really think it is important, and I
think yeah, and I think that like given the right opportunities,
(26:54):
and you want to us all fairness, I'm a wizard
at best, be a wizard's apprentice. I'd love to what
you do enjoy close up magic? Would you like to
see it? I'm sure what with coin cards? So if
you Look at these cards right here. You'll see that
there's a coin inside of them. Okay, already feel the
(27:17):
card in the coins now everyone put that inside these
cups here, card in the cup, card with the coin card.
I'm gonna get some water here. Okay, look at this.
I'm gonna drink that's real, it's real water. And then
I'm gonna pour it into the cup here. Okay, now
(27:38):
I'm gonna shake up all the cops. Now, now which
card hold? I forgot to ask you do remember your
cald on? Let me do this again. Good afternoon. Children.
Do not push, not puomy. That is the main thing
being a lover or a button ai? Oh my gosh,
can I push one button? No? Do not push? Not
(27:59):
pull me? What would happen you go through time? What
about this just makes noises? Is that that? But makes noise? Yes?
Thankfully that's the party horn, that's the one you can
(28:20):
What about this one here? Oh my god? I should raise?
Where are we? Where we are? What strange contracted? Is this?
We go to real sing Gabriel Elementary School? What what
(28:41):
be that? It's a high school, elementary school, it's a
there's a they're attached. Okay, they're attached be nights in
some strange army. No, no, we're just we're just kids.
Well I will have I can press this button. Well,
(29:06):
you've done it, children, you've messed up the time continued.
Everything has changed now, mmy. We were in the Middle
Ages for like five minutes. That was enough. Jimmy stid Jimmy.
So what's different now the present? Let's find out. No, no, no,
I want to go back in time. I want to say, Jimmy, please,
(29:28):
you saved the cat mine from collapsing, that old cat mind.
But from in the eighties. Collapse, that's what that's what happens.
The man responsible for the mind collapsing was the great great,
great great great great grandson of that night. Then I've
never had children again because he felt so bad about
killing a child aboard a bus. Whoa, there's so many
(29:51):
cats here. I don't see any people though, And Jimmy
is still dead. That's the thing. There are no people anymore.
It's just cats now, all right. We can't fix this, guys.
We gotta fix it now. Somebody's got to stop that kid.
I'm pulling this Leverick. That was the sounds of Halloween.
(30:14):
Button push the one he pulled before. That's the time drowning. Okay,
where are we look at? There aren't more beings Humo pods.
Let the Humo pads come out of the box. This
must be the future. Well we go to the future.
(30:36):
That's not gonna help Jimmy still dead. Once, use our
rank and to make this bus flown. Who yeah, hello, hello, hello, hello,
hello hello? What years? I have a new trick I
(30:58):
want to present to the forward. Is the time for
trick presentation of animal? Yeah, let's let us see the track.
I have two tricks I would like to present. Okay,
show the first trick. First. First one is two psychoronian chords.
I like the idea, so tie them together and watch
us then fold on itself. Wow, like space and time.
(31:21):
The second one is I would like to present and
perform at birth with myself. Oh man, I will just
date a young one and then push out immediately. You
kids shouldn't see this gets okay, while we're flying through
(31:44):
space and time, buttons and leverage, person, Yes, tell me
exactly where we need to go to make Jimmy come
back alive. I wish I had all the answers. Children.
Let me see let's go back to the coordinates that
you want to before. Perhaps you can chase the outcome
with an Okay, who would you know us? You heard him?
(32:08):
Oh yes, that's right. Oh sorry, that's just my standard
greeting will be. I don't remember that. And I feel
bad about killing your friends. Gallant Night, I once again
asked you to not tell the story of the magic
thing that appeared and you stabbed a child a magic bus.
(32:29):
A bus is a crazy old man, a fool, gallants Night.
I swore to never have children because I felt so
bad about killing that child in front of his friends.
Look when you keep on telling the story, always telling
the story at a feast, and everyone look at me.
I saw a magic boost up here, and then I
(32:51):
stabbed a kid. And then while we're eating, we have
to hear you talk about how you cut your own
ticket balls off to not have kids. This is the
food thing we're said here. They are other dicken balls.
I have presumed they are so shriveled and disgus. At
least this was a while ago. He killed them, Gallant
to Night, I don't bring them to dinner. My god,
(33:14):
MENSI school boss, we were wrong. The tagalogue I didn't
want you to see that. Let's go back to just
before nut ago, that would make sense. I suggest that
how we go, Jimmy, you're alive, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
(33:36):
Here's the thing, Jimmy, I saw hell. What's he like?
Jimmy's burning. Jimmy, you have to listen to me. Listen
to me. That door is going to open it A
night's going to be there, and he's in a wild.
The sword we have to come up with a way
to kill the knight just makes the night like kids? Okay,
(34:00):
them a craft really quickly? What's strange? Vehicle? No? No, no,
no no? Why is he freaking out? We beat no
fairies of fatherhood, of motherhood, fairies of fatherhood. I know
(34:20):
not what you speak of. Let's get out of here.
So what I think happened is Jimmy's alive, but we
still killed the night, so he'll never have a kid.
To save the mine from collapsing. Right, Maybe some girls
(34:41):
have an idea throw my help us out. I was
on my phone. I can't. I'm sorry. I'm not sure either.
What's been going on? Guys, they're not good at step subjects.
That's so not true. That is so not true. That
is been awfully quiet this whole time. Well, we've been
traveling all over I've been getting do you know why,
because I'm trying to discover what the difference between algebra
(35:03):
and geometry is. Okay, once you create that branch the
total human question, the math community will shutter at my greatness,
Like why don't you guys go back to wherever you
want before? I'm like, we'll chime in this time and
try to help. Yeah, okay, okay, what this strange vehicle? Girls, Hey,
(35:25):
so we're like super deities and ship and like we're
like coming from like God in Heaven. To let you
know that, like talk, we're angels, so like totally respect
us angels. Cut off your dick and balls and sacrifice.
Abraham almost killed this son. This is like kind of
like the same thing. So like do it or like
you're gonna be like turned to like a pillar salt
(35:46):
and shut. Yeah, that's totally true. Wait night before you
do that, girls, real quick to If he does that,
then he doesn't have kids and then no one saves
the cat mine from collapsing. Oh my god, what why
are you telling this now? You just told us to
jump back into We told you we were out of
the what. Look, it's just come with us, just come
(36:07):
with come to heaven, just heaven. Yeah kind of. It's
two nine, luck or sent you. Alright, open up, magic bus,
it's the school board. We got a wizard. I'm I'm
supposed to drive this boss, but unfortunately a wizard's apprentice
(36:30):
can do close up man Jack, this be not a wizard.
I'm a wizard. I am from an era where people
know what wizards are. Well, you're not wearing a hat
with a question mark on it. Oh, but why don't
you show him some up close magic? Yeah, go ahead
and show him some up close magic. Got to close
(36:52):
up magic? Yes we can't. Oh my god, shut the fuck.
As the school board lawyer, I need to ask who
this adult in this bus is. Who are you, sir?
I I have come from a strange time into an
even stranger time here I'm in heaven. Yes, very well,
will you sign this waiver? Please waiver? I just touch
(37:13):
it with your hand. Alas, sir, I am illiterate. Alright, night,
I'm sorry you did this, but you signed a lot
of rights away. Okay, what do you understand what's happening
right now? Okay, now, look just calmed down. Okay, and
look now I'm gonna do this for free, but pretty
much for okay. Okay, alright, no, not what that is.
You don't know what that is. Okay, you better pay
(37:35):
me that money. I see that coin person on your hip,
all right, I know there's some gold bullion in there.
All right, this is the king's money. Yeah, well, I'm
gonna be mine soon. Okay, you're in a lot of trouble, dude,
listen here, attorney, Look, you can say what you want
to say. But he signed so we're gonna use his
likeness all over this the city of We're gonna have
posters of him. He had. He had complicit ignorance in
(37:56):
this side. He didn't know what he was doing. And
look at his Look at his signature. It's just to cross.
That doesn't make it a goddamn s I will run
you through, Sarah, holy okay, and I will cut off
my dicken ball. No, no, no, hi, honey, Hey, I
had a tough day today about it? How did you?
(38:19):
I got tickets to the locker room going out? Okay,
I don't think he loves us. I don't think so either.
I got tickets to the locker Tension Night's game tonight.
If you want to go. When are we eating? I
brought some You wouldn't have anything? Just staunched by bleeding?
Why is it bleeding so much? Made a deeper incision
(38:43):
that I planned on Nicole. Your your new Housemaide is sexy. Look,
don't before you get excited. He has no dicken bolls.
I love a challenge. Hello, I love what you're wearing.
Thank you. Hi. My name is Stephanie. I am Twaine,
Sir Twain who had loved that. I don't see a
(39:05):
wedding that ring on your finger? No, no, I am
married to my quest. Oh I love that. I love
a guy who's just addicted to his job. I'm not
married either, all right. I live right next door, so
if you need anything and they're not home, you can
always mom, I'm hungry, okay, Yeah, so if you need anything,
you can just pop on over and just get whatever
(39:26):
you want. Or this is your child, it is can No,
you can't have to. Yeah, whatever you see whatever you
want to get a ship? Uh so, yeah, she's mine,
but on baggage again, I have castrated myself longest Rito's
commercial ever, and that's gonna get to our thirds and
(39:51):
final scene this afternoon. Try Alchemists. I'm a longtime listener
and just want to say that you've been doing a
great job at what you do. So my side suggestion
Science thinks they see So my scene suggestion is civil.
A group of court gestures have been told by a
king that they must create three hilarious skits to entertain
the foreign visitors. Sir Marvin mckugh of Room thirty two,
(40:14):
Alchemist Max f All, gather around, my gestures. We have
a very important guest coming today. Well here then what
we got today? Well, I've promised him a three very
funny sketches, and I want my three most valuable gestures
(40:39):
to complete. Sketches is like a skit, it's but it's
meticulously written and written juggle, I do flips. I want
you to write three sketch comedy scenes from Marvin mckugh man.
Each one needs to be, you know, than the previous.
(41:01):
Save the funniest for last. Jesus, be funny. That's all right.
A show that builds gentlemen. But I don't know how
to ride. And also, I mean that's subjective to know
what's the funniest I see that you're having a hard time.
Let me give some inspiration, please, I mean well four
seconds into the if you it will cost you your heads.
(41:24):
That for inspiration? Good day snakes, That is gentlemen sneaks. Okay, okay,
can we use that in the sketches? Maybe? Yeah? Should
we all go to a corner and then start writing, Yeah,
it's come back. Let's go to corners for like two minutes.
So come back and we'll pitch our ideas. Okay in
(41:44):
the meantime, No, no, not over there. What was that?
What was that about? I thought we could kiss goodbye?
I thought we could kiss goodbye. What do you mean
kiss goodbye? Kiss before we go to our corners? I
mean if we give the insiration, yes, please, So you
promise that you're gonna be really funny sketches. Oh, there's
nothing that's going to make you laugh harder than each
(42:06):
consecutive sketch. They're gonna be very funny. Marvin. Look, when
I traveled in time back to the past, you know,
I bought a magic bus for cheap from the school.
We love that you've chosen all little town, all little Kingdom. Marvin,
I know that I kind of have a celebrity here
(42:26):
just because the novelty of a guy being from the future.
I'm just curious if if comedy is the same in
the Middle Ages. Oh my guesses it is. What's funny
must transcend this. This is your betrothed. I've wanted to
I wanted to introduce you in a more formal way.
How old is this kid? Well, this is my daughter.
(42:46):
She's eighteen. Really she's nineteen. Okay, all right that it's
like middle aged. She's on her way out. I'm sorry.
We don't have a younger daughter for you. I'm sorry.
So I know how die soon? Just pat the back. Well,
(43:08):
I wouldn't kiss her on the mouth, Marvin. Everyone who
has has gotten sick. But but Marvin, tell me more
about the future. Okay, so here's my idea. All right, okay,
so please just leave our corners alone. Just come over
to us when it's done. I'm done. I'm ready. It
just sounds like a pitch because you've come over several
times with a pitch and no work's him out. Okay,
(43:32):
here's the long line. Okay, So I'm telling you, I'm
telling you. I don't just read this sketch. If it's done,
just read it, okay, um Hi, I'm a motivational speaker
and I live in a van. What's that down by?
If the is a van? What is this? Neverver? Now? First,
(43:53):
all right, I cannot do this A half ago am out.
I cannot. This chat is killing me. But if you
got an idea there, I yes, I have a little
one back done. Now it's a little Why don't we
just put him up? I'll go first, since mine is
it's not done. Least it's not done. So what is it?
It's some guy who lives in a band and he's
a motritional speaking Look, this is crazy. I'm gonna sucking die.
(44:19):
I'm wanna die to do none of you is the funniest,
be the funniest. Oh god, I need to go back
to your corners, scribes, scribes. I need your help. I
need your help. Oh I'm busy writing right now exactly
to describe. I know exactly what you are. I need
your fucking help. Alright, what do you need from there?
I gotta do some fucking craziest shift for the kingdom
(44:40):
a fucking dead. Oh so you need a sketch risen. Yes, familiar.
I was tossing around something fantastic. Yeah, what if it's
a jousting tournament where the knights have confusing names, like
one of them is who? All right? One of them
is what? Who? Who? The other is? I don't know?
Wait what you can see already that? Sorry, it's just
(45:06):
too confusion. I'll never left. I'm writing it. Who did
you say? Was a night? Who's a night? Fun? That fun? That? Look?
I need help with from our sketch, A walk on it.
We just need to listen to you. I don't know
a man a horse with a long spear. Okay, that's
what the rise came up. It was trash, It was hoble,
(45:30):
a whole place up. I burned all the papers. I
left those two old pieces of ship in there to
cook a live Oh Jesus, you mean sketch? Oh my god,
what is it? No? Say who's there? Why? See who's there? Why?
Because that's the second line to what my sketch? Well
right out? Then how do we knock? Knock? What? Who's there? What?
(45:55):
And then Alec Baldwin played him in the more recent seasons,
but Darrel Hammond actually the better in There's a lot
to explain. What I really like to know is more
about the crops, what years? What should we grow with
the crops? Father, I don't know who this is, Baldwin.
Who is this father? Son? Brother? Shame? What's your shame
(46:18):
about that? I was hoping i'd have another daddy. Okay.
I feel like I'm in the middle of something here,
so I like to get in the middle of something there. Okay,
I think, and now I've picked up on whats going on.
We are trying to talk. He is a future he
is a future teller, a fortune teller. I just live
(46:40):
in the future. So I just don't want to hear
any more about I like Baldwin, I need to hear
about the crops. Well, I didn't even getting started on
his brothers. Okay, go, I'm go ahead and finish that
one of them. Conservative. Well, I've got mine written. It's
on the scrulls. Here which part will I be? You
read a merchant, merchant, and then you read incredulous lady,
(47:05):
just lady, Okay, merchant. Right you guys, good day. I
will be the main guy, of course, and here's mine
and you're going to be playing Marcus Philippent and you'll
be playing the Christian with the hat. Christians the hat,
not that I can channel that. And here's my um.
(47:27):
When I say knock, knock, you say who's there? And
then I'll take I'll take it from there. So okay,
all right, I hope you fool's ready. Marvin mccure was
ready for his comedy Do not ring this? Yeah, we're good.
We've got great sketches. All right, Yes, either are really
nice seats to see any kind of show. Get your
hand off my knee. That was that was mine? It's
(47:49):
clearly now, well I didn't. I thought it was mine.
Do you need to sit right next to me? What?
My sister's not here yet? I don't know, it's probably yeah,
well this is where the royalty sits. You know she's
n eighteteen, she's a mother, right, so how old you?
I'm sixteen? Well you look good? Thank you, thank you.
You know I can hold my breath for thirty seconds.
Why don't you try it right now? Oh, it looks
(48:13):
like the comedy starting. Welcome, Welcome to Castle Live Live
featuring just just to I guess they still featured players.
And now here's your host, the King. All right, we
(48:42):
have today a special sketch comedy. Don't laugh yet, that's
not funny. But the band's really cracking up at nothing, Marvin,
You're about to see. They're just this is so funny.
It does transcend time and space like yours. It's so funny.
They're laughing before they all the jokes. Sketch number one,
(49:07):
Hello merchant, Hello, this pet dragon you sell me is dead? Dead?
Is a door nail? Well, no returns on dead dragons?
Now returns. You told me it was alive. It was
when I sawed it. No, it was it. God take
(49:29):
that chest. Wait a second, Yes, I think they're all
in each other's sketches legs. So that's that all right. Well,
this one's going to be killed, Jester, I can read
(49:50):
My mistake is king. But now you're an actor in
the following ones. I hope you're prepared. I'm not. Don't worry.
Your life isn't on the line, but i'd like to
see you perform in Sketch number two to laugh A
road is dad? No, I hope that we killed the
person that wrote the first sketch. No, no, do you
(50:13):
wrote it? He's dead? Oh? Well I killed two people.
You can be you can be on book. I don't mind.
I'm still slightly alive. It's what you wanted. God damn it. Yes,
I did not want that. He did not want that.
I'm ready with the best sketch of all. Do you
(50:34):
need another actor? No audience participation? All right, I'm sure
the audience will participate. Me and Marvin will do it. Martin,
Me and Marvin will be happy to do it. We
want the sketch. Heaven want the sketch being funny, knock knock,
(51:00):
who's there? Land shock killing? God? No, k oh no, Chris,
this is the end for all. Oh my dad, Oh,
I'll never be in another sketch again. I don't think
(51:23):
that's possible. Let's see the school bus, Marvin. We can
save you. On the school bus next to us, some
girls pressing the button, and that's our show for today.
Will Marvin be okay? Oh God, I hope not. Let's
(51:46):
thank our Achamus. See if you guys are up to
Chris Alvarado, Hey, thanks for having me here. I like
doing this with the people in this room and people
who weren't here. We missed them all. You can follow
me at out, Chris by guys from the top. I'm done.
That's enough full move on. Joey Grahare. Check out Bear
(52:08):
Supply every second and fourth Wednesday, nine o'clock at the
West Side Comedy Theater. Also listen to good Night the
album I'm on It, I did it. Check it on
Amazon Prime, I guess iTunes. All this stuff at Koski
on Twitter, at like at Craigslist, Pea cast the list
(52:30):
podcast James. If you go to t Springs dot com
and look for Alchemy this, you'll find that we have
not just our logo on a shirt, but you can
see the brand new shirt with the words snoof on
it and you can have a shirt ye made by
you for you? Is that? Is that a copy for you?
(52:58):
A little different? Also shout out. We have two people
who are listening to the part fans of the podcast.
Come out to see Bear Supply. Doug Lane came out
from d C. I think I said it right and
it's not a cool, it's not a could uh And
that shout out to them. So come out you can.
You can see shows in real life and happy people
doing it. Also, if you're in the Bay Area, Alchemy
(53:18):
this will be making an appearance at SF Sketches. The
line ups gonna be pretty rad this year. Tony Shalhoub
Freestyle Love Supreme, uh, Sandra Bernhard, lots of other great stuff.
But don't you do something with the festival coal kind
of run it. Oh spar Supply will be there too
in the show. Uh so are Craig and Carlo will
(53:41):
be there doing stuff and all sorts of things. So
go to SF sketches dot com checking out a lot
of your favorite Alchemists are wandering around doing various shows
over the several months that you're running. Is eighteen straight
days January nine. Let's thank our engineer Doug Babe, our
post sound design artists Fail Brito. We encourage you all
(54:03):
to write a review, tell everyone you've ever met and
write to us at your name here at alchemy this
dot com. That's your name here at alchemy this dot com.
Until next time this
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This Cool Stratton
here filling in for Kevin Pollock, who wanted to be
here today, but I was given visitation rights to the podcast.
Let's meet her Alchemist Shelley in no particular orders, say
hello to everyone's favorite android, Joey Greer. Joey, what have
you been programmed to do to fuck ship? Oh? Man? Yep?
(00:25):
Next up. He's the world's biggest Imagine Dragons fan. Craig Kakowski,
huge fan, radioactive man. Yeah, Craig? What makes him so
goddamn appeeling? I think, uh, first of all the bass,
and then you add in the drums, you put guitar
on top of that, and you had vocals. I think
you have a rock band, that's right, And they check
all those boxes all right. He's the CEO of the
(00:46):
Big Johnson T shirt company. Chris Alvarado. Chris, what new
edgy shirts have you drummed up for the holiday season? Nice?
Is what excited about that? I've heard? What is? Uh? Um?
So it's a shirt that doesn't fit you very well?
What's up? Because when you say it doesn't fit you
(01:07):
very well? Is it too big or too small? That's
the thing you don't know you said us your size
will send you a nil fitted shirts. And finally it's
the board game King of the USA James Heeney. What's
the best tabletopper out there? I think Tabletop Simulator on
Steam is the best tabletop game there is now there.
It's it's great to have a tabletop experience in real
(01:28):
life with people, but you can play any tabletop game
over the Internet with anyone anywhere. Tabletop Simulator, get it now.
I don't think you answered this question. What was question?
I think it was like, what what's the best tabletop game? Okay? Well,
I like the game code names, especially if you're playing
with people from around the world, because their interpretations of
words can sometimes make the game. Saying here, I don't
(01:50):
have enough hours in my day to like eat enough meals,
and the idea that you spend all this time knowing
this and playing games is like, I'm envious at that
time you have. If you should come over sometime, I
don't have time, but we'd like to invite you to
become a v I P member or new Patreon page.
(02:10):
Bonus episodes not available to non members. There's a phone
number just for v I p s where you can
leave a message, be it tor, request, question or whatever
and we'll reply at our new regular video Q and
A with the Alchemists at Kevin's Place, which are only
available to the v I p S. It's all kinds
of cool ship, so please join our super core fans
by going to Patreon dot com slash alchemy this. That's
(02:31):
Patreon dot com slash alchemy this. All of today's scene
suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails. If you'd like
to submit yours, please write to the podcast at your
name here at alchemy this dot com. Once again, your
name here at alchemy this dot com for our first scene.
Hello Alchemists, you are all amazing. With all the laughter
you spread, it would be hard not to love you.
(02:52):
The only way I could love you more is if
you help me celebrate my brothers. I think thinks supposed
to be brothers, but it is father's birthday, but choosing
his in suggestion from one of your episodes suggestion cat
miners have fun with that and thanks again. Listening with
cheer kelby p S. James Heeney for president. Oh my gosh,
I should I should register. They'll be fine, all right, now, look,
(03:19):
we gotta make sure the mine is clear. Can we
got a couple of tabby means over here that we
got a hit? All right? Now, look, we got two
hours until we gotta go out of here. There's a
leak in the top set. Are you okay? On my back? Wait? Wait?
Get up? Yeah, I can't. I can't wait here. Let
me hoist jump on my shoulder. No, it's just sort
of here. How to take up your shoulders? Listen, there's
(03:41):
a lot of people counting on you. Delete. It's your body.
I think I might know what's wrong here, don Jim.
Our canary has that again, but it's because of the
cats keep eating it, so we don't have We don't
actually know what. We don't know if there's a gas
lake or not. It's just the cassine in the canary,
(04:02):
that's right. But based on what I'm seeing here, I'm
thinking there's some toxic fumes in this mind. You know
what I don't. I don't want to startle anybody, but
I feel like I can hear a tweeting from his throat.
Maybe he maybe he ate the canary over your shoulder.
We'll put him down down, Jim, Jim. Look, at that Jim, Jim,
did you eat the canary? Tell the truth? She was
(04:23):
looking pretty smug. Yeah. I don't have an analogy, but
I don't know. Okay, bitch, we were counting on you,
all right, I see we killed Jim. Kill him or
you gonna put him out of his misery. I mean,
I'm sorry, but there's been a collapse at the cat mind.
(04:46):
Oh my god, this is catastrophic. Oh no, we're so
invested in this. Okay, Well, what's the what's the casualties?
And the casualties look like right now? About fifteen men
and cats? Oh god, no, is there anyone can leave
them out of their laser? Point them to freedom or something.
(05:06):
I don't know. We're working on a alternate mind thing
whenever shaft to get them up. I'm just so flushed
with everyone. I get it past. I don't know. It's
a tough time. We don't have terminology right now. The
investors are gonna freak. I mean, if they don't, they
don't have to know. Okay, they don't have to know
that the cat mind collapsed. Cap mind? What honey, what
(05:28):
are you guys talking about? Another? Go back to your
Canasta game? Are you sure? It sounds important. I heard
something about the mind collapse. The mind's fine, he's our
minds are collapsing. Over all the money we're gonna makeing.
I'm gonna go finish this can I don't speak English. Okay,
see how place can? Asked by herself. Don't know how
she does it. That's amazing. Solo solo. So looking at
(05:50):
is not a four person game, it really is. She
pulls it out. She goes to different chairs as different
personalities per player. All right, man, look before we figure
out you get out of this mind, we need to,
uh first, make a couple of things. Clear, raise your hand.
If you're the oxygen, everyone, just save me the oxygen
you're getting. You're a cat? First, there's so much sitting here.
(06:12):
I can't tell who's a man, who's a cat? Okay,
I can I can here. I can't see a cat.
I can't see arms being raised. I'm panicking here, I've
got Are you a cat or a cat? I swear
to I'm not a cat? Alright? Any question that the
human would only know it sounds good? Okay? Um who
won the Super Bowl last year the Patriots? Is that true? Alright? Jim?
(06:36):
Jim Now you may or may not eating a canary.
So are you a cat or are you a man?
You ate the canary? We eat birds, meat, turkey. That
he's breathing really heavily, like a calengar. Dohn want you
ask him a question? Only human one now? All right?
Uh in uh Okay, here's is a good question. Okay,
(07:01):
the highway flooral five? Which direction? Does it go on
a compass? The California Highway? Yes, on a compass? Which
if you had a language stone, and if I had
the language stone, whips way with the four? Alright, alright,
(07:24):
I think it's one more person when you gotta ask Larry,
I'm insulted by the question. We've worked together in this
gap mine for twenty years. I'm never seriously as I've
never seen outside. Okay, you're always covered and so it
I can't tell. Look. I do doubles, I do triples.
I work long hours here in the mine. That doesn't
(07:45):
sound to me like he's really defied to find whether
he's a can't really die here? Okay, you want me
to ask him a question? Ask you a really good question.
Mine fell flat a little bit. I don't know. I
think yours is pretty good all right, here's a good question. Uh,
it's the difference between geometry and algebra. What I don't
know that I don't know. I don't know. I didn't
(08:06):
go to school. I'm a cat miner for God's Okay, okay,
question guys, guys, I found I found a passage of
small too small passage. But I found a passage. But
here's the rub that goes through the dog cavern. Well,
I'm fine with that. I could go through dog cavern.
I lets jump to Uh, it's not too rash here.
(08:28):
Why would you be afraid of dogs? I'm not afraid
of dogs. I'm saying it's small. It's a small passageway.
So you're the goddamn Maybe you're the goddamn cat. Ask
me any goddamn question. Why did you just poop in
that sand over there? Yeah? Okay, Now I answer all
the questions one at a time. Okay, so hold on
(08:50):
just one. My kids want cats for Christmas. Okay, we're
gonna be cats for Christmas, cats for Christmas. I'm gonna
just answer that one right out of the the gate. Okay,
we all want cat answer my questions. I'm gonna answer
these questions at a time. Okay, we all want cats
for Christmas? Will there be cats? But listen, I will
(09:13):
answer all of these questions one at a time. We
have a team going down there making sure the cats
are safe. Okay, those are our priorities, Sir, Sir, sir.
Will there be a new Jingle Cats album this year?
With the collapse in the mind? Look, we all want
a new Jingle Cats album? Alright, we all want that.
I'm gonna answer these questions one at a time. This
(09:34):
town depends on supplying cats to the world market. Yes
it does, Yes it does. Now I'm gonna answer these
questions one at a time. All right, a couple of things. One,
we're on break, So go ahead and down, lick yourselves
and check. I've gotten word that the cat mine is collapsed. Good, good,
(10:01):
Well it's good because we hate them, but cat but
it's uh, it's better because there's free cats over there. Free.
The only problem is would have to go through the
through the human hole to get to the cat. Human.
I'm not going through a human hole. Why what aren't
(10:22):
you a dog miner? Dog? A minor dog miner. I'll
ask you one question only dogs would know. Okay, all right,
are you a good boy? Are you good boy? Are
you good boy? All right? Okay, I'm good boy. I'm
man's best friend. Holes okay, human holes guys. The veterinarian
(10:51):
told me, I have black lung. Huh. Vey told me.
I'm sorry, Um, you're you're just We're gonna have to
restend your minding card. You're not you're not able to
mind a take. I'm sorry. You can't have a dog
with a job. Maybe you can catch or something, but
(11:13):
you can't take anymore. I'm sorry, too old to catch.
I can't jump no more. All I know how to
do is mine for coal. If a dog mine, then
we're gonna have to put you down. How are you
gonna do it? We got a couple of ways. Um,
one this we can strangle you. Okay, I'm gonna pass
on that one. Okay, it's two more so. The other
(11:35):
one that we we stab you in your stomach and
just let it bleed. Well, I'd rather be joke to
be honest. Okay, we already passed. You killed the vet?
Killed the vet? Here a man? Whoa? That's you know?
It doesn't sound like across a line. I got a
taste for human. Now you're a were wolf. Well, we
(11:57):
could use that. I'm not a were wolf kind of
wear woman. Wish for sure a werwolf. He's eating people.
I'm not true. I'm not a werewolf. A dog miner.
Why don't we use this, Why don't we go to
the human mind where they're mining cats take over? Okay,
let's have the worold from the back. I don't think
he's actually dog like just tasted human blood. I'm just saying,
(12:20):
that's like a big step. That's a big step forward,
like human best friend werewolves or men who turned into
wolves once a month. I don't know. I don't know that.
I don't know. I don't know. I'm just saying, no,
he's just got a misapprehension about what a werewolf. I
think I know a world, all right. I'm just saying.
I'm just saying I don't. I don't want to point,
like pause or anything, but like, excuse me, O, Hi,
(12:49):
take my helmet off. What's a cat? What's a listening
a cat miner? This is a cat miner? Has your
man have heard? We're not doing so well over there,
and it seems like the humans are going to just
stick dynamite into the entire mountain save themselves and get out. Now.
(13:12):
I know this is against what we normally do, but
we're wondering. I speak for all the cats in the mind.
There's over three thousand of us in this money. If
you would want to join forces and take over the humans,
I mean, you obviously have a werewolf here. Seems like
a werewolf. All of you guys discuss, but they need
(13:37):
the four of us. I want to eat that. I
didn't want to eat that. Cor Yeah, that's a good point. Also, um,
there's five of us, and I know you don't like
me that much, but I still count. He's talking about
the wolf of my own insecurities. Suff suff sure, what
(13:58):
what you need? There's been a shaft collapse in the
cab mine. Shaft collapse in the mine. I was on TV.
I don't know if you've heard. I don't watch television
if it doesn't come in print and it doesn't come
in my worldview. Look, sorry, I understand. Are you just heard? Okay?
I just they're thinking about dynamiting it, but they don't
have dynamite. Sheriff, Sheriff, there's a shaft collapse. Heard you heard?
(14:25):
What are you doing here, Ralph? I was just get
telling about the cheft collapse. I saw you running ahead
of me, but I didn't think that you were also
going to the sheriff. Yeah, well, I feel like a
real shaff Never mind, guys, I'm gonna go home. What
is no No, I'm like party, I'm always time crying. Third,
it's about the shaft collapse that first question. Boys, I
(14:47):
got a big old cardboard box of dynamite on the
bottom floor of the Sheriff's department, and you can just
go get it. It'll help you out real quick. Okay,
so we we grabbing today. Sorry, not so fat my golf.
Y'all want to play with dynamite? Listen, you don't have
a finger left on your stubs. I don't think you
(15:09):
should be playing with the man for the job. I
know what this dynamite better than anyone of you men.
He's been around more than I. He's trying to scratch
the chalkboard, but he's got no fingers. Well, but I
can't imagine what to effect that would happen. Is you
(15:29):
want to take this dynamite, you gotta take me with you.
It looks like he's drilled holes in his stumps so
you could fit a stick of dynamite in there, bingo.
So he just hangs out by the dynamite all day
waiting to get called in action. It's yeah, yeah, well
today's your lucky day. Thank you, sheriff. I'm not going
down to the mine. You're gonna have to find somebody
(15:50):
else to go with you. Well, we got three town criers,
but do we have three town a lot of time
down here thinking you're none of my guy. You don't
need to worry about that. It makes me feel weird.
Stay in your l you're good man, they're good. You
bring the news, but can you bring the booms? You
(16:10):
bring the news, but news that's you. You bring the news. Okay,
so I got good news and band news. Okay, everyone,
listen up, listen up, okay, listen up. I'm started cutting
(16:32):
these cats, and I started wearing their skin, okay, because
maybe maybe the gods of the cats were thinking one
of them and saved us. Okay, at cat skins. Look,
there's everyone, just everyone just wearing when I made one
for everybody. These are too small. My hands are coming
out there. I'm not gonna wear a cat. It's fine.
I'll just wear a cat. Kitty cats. So the good
(16:54):
news is that dogs are going to help us. The band.
News is that guy's wearing us. Your meal. Don't be
so cute, your eyes are so big and watery. Meal
mean meal, mial. Don't forget you're a killer. You're a murderer. Muffins, murderer. Meal. Yeah,
so here come the dogs. I see him. Oh no,
(17:20):
there's a werewolff. There's a wolf wolf. Look at me,
look at my team. Relaxed you and relaxed you. This
is good. All right, I'm one of you. I don't
know what to do. I don't know what to do.
You're not a cat, you're a human. Oh my cat.
I like eating you meal meal dyne in my hands,
(17:47):
mean little wait like smell sausages this way. Don't go.
Don't go with a trick. It's not a trick. Sausages ever, trick.
Just there're sausages here, there's just this is good, Hey,
(18:10):
little puppies. Was this guy's story? Smells like sulfur? You
have human? Don't you know? I'm not human? Man, watch
this trick. I'm gonna stick these dynamite sticks into this
snausage sticks snausage. So we didn't have to come. I
(18:31):
don't know what this is. Oh, we have to like
thee I don't. I don't have any fingers. Here we go,
here boy, here boy, I went out and that our
first sad. We'll never know if they escaped them. I
(18:52):
wonder how that ended. I know to find out some
other week. When somebody suggests got to join the patren.
Oh yeah, it should be a yeah. We only end
our scenes on Patriots. Join the Patreon to find it
who won the super Bowl. Also, I'd be happy to
have some fan fiction right in and they can finish
the ending. It's gonna get so sexual so fast. You
(19:14):
gotta ship the dogs and cats. Everybody said that. Before
we get to our next scene, we want to tell
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Alchemy during check out. All right, here's our second scene.
Hey alchemists, just want to say, out of all the
hundreds of thousands of podcasts I have to choose from,
yours is the one I go to as soon as
it lands in my feed. Kudos to Kevin for somehow
(21:23):
gathering the perfect cast for this project. I can't choose
a favorite, but when the Australian New Orleans or Stone
Cold Steve Austin voice makes an appearance, I lose my ship.
My scene suggestion a real life Magic School buses made
and a few unlucky contest winners get to be the
first to test it out. Ps the ideas someone mentioned
about making animated skits from parts of the show should
(21:44):
definitely be a thing. Caleb. Alright, so y'all I have
a ticket. Yeah, yeah, that's great. I was expecting it
to be more like the books. You don't look like
you don't look like the teacher from my miss Fristle. No, no,
I don't. You're missing It doesn't matter. I'm missing a
(22:05):
testicle on half of my penis. You want to know you? Yeah,
I was talking about the never mind, like your g
like my grill. These are my real teeth. Yeah, that's
my thought. Yeah that's porcelain. So yeah, it cost me
a lot, alright, and I regret doing it because that
money's wte. I should have just had no teeth and
drink soup, like my goddamn sister said. All right, now,
what what do y'all want? You want to just get
(22:27):
on the bus or sleeping there? I know then this
contest was about to just this is a magic school bus. Yeah,
it's magic Buzz. You're gonna have a teacher join you
or some ship. I don't know that you're not the teacher.
I don't know. Look, I just look over the lot
and they told me that Buzz is coming a whole
bunch of kids with some kind of coupon or I
don't look, man, just get on the damnus alright, kissing right, No,
(22:51):
I put you down when you get on the bus.
All right. Look that bus has got damn magic. I
gotta say this, alright. I've been around this parking lot
for a long Look this thing just shrinks down, jumps
up through time. I've seen it going to humans and such.
It's a terrifying vehicle. I warn you young people. Now,
what if you go inside there? Yeah, they are. That's
(23:15):
another skin condition I have. Okay, half of my liver
was taken from me by a chimpanzee. I don't remember
much of the store, but I remember this zolt alright.
I lost two houses in that goddamn that with the
bus has a lot to do with it, all right. Now,
look you getting side that bus. There's switches, and there's
buttons and knobs that don't want to be preston pulled,
and I recommend doing them all. Hell, you want to
(23:37):
live once. I know that's a contradiction from what I
said earlier with my warning, but I'm gonna funked up.
So if you boys and some girls want to get
on there and have some fun, then, so be it.
I don't mind. This is my parking lot. How's so poetic?
There's switches and buttons and knobs that don't want to
be preston pulled. Alright, my ants are washed. Alright, I
(23:59):
leave if you do it. Children, Okay, maybe the driver
is already on the bus. Maybe hey, sorry, some girls
were late? Some girls? Is this the school bus competition?
There's contest winners thing? May I don't know. My mom
just gave me this ticket and tell me to come here.
Lucky okay, cool nipping? Yeah, yeah, the chocolate bars and
(24:24):
toffee toffee, but that's more expensive. It's small. Yeah, I know.
Why do you tell them we're all around town? I'm
not a prison or anything that's impressive. Can we sit
next to you? Look when I sit around town that
I included the prison in that. Yeah, sit next to me.
(24:46):
You have to understand that bus cannot leave the lot. Okay.
It's magic is too powerful. It'll corrupt anyone who goes inside.
But I've dealt with a lot of magic over the years.
I should be able to contain it and wield and
I'm a wizard. Stand this is beyond anyone's control. It's
science and magic. Do you understand that I've been working
at the Magic Castle for years. I should be able
(25:08):
to wield the power of a magic school. You are
shaking so much. You're shaking so much. I'm an old wizard.
I am sorry. I didn't Mestico. You know we we
added a wizard to the school board a couple of
years ago, just because there was public demand for it.
To be honest, I haven't really seen you perform any
(25:30):
magic or stop any other magic from happening. Oh well,
I haven't seen anyone trying to do magic that I
needed to stop. Are you taunting me up? A frog?
I was backing you up? Sorry, ah, turn him into
a frog. He was backing me up. I don't mean
I don't want to turn me into a frog. Nope, Bob,
(25:50):
I'm not going to just show me the way to
the Bobstico, just turn me into a frog. It's fine, listen.
I'm what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna turn both
of you into frog. But I'm gonna make you think
I didn't. Okay, nothing, you don't think I did. But
school lorder, school board lawyer coming through school board lawyer.
(26:11):
All right, I have a briefcase here opening said briefcase.
There are the waivers. The parents have signed it. It
doesn't matter what happens to the children. We are covered.
So show me the weight of the ball regardless of
being covered. Don't you feel that there's some kind of
like moral ethical the leamit that we're facing it that
even though we know what is, we still have to
do something about it. Look that the children and in
(26:32):
the competition of rules said that if they're sold enough,
they are promised to be shrunken, sent through time and
push and pull levers and buttons that don't want to
be pushing. They understand about kids don't know what they're
actually getting in. Do they think it's part of a game?
This is this is science and math? You do here exactly? Okay,
well I clean right now, but I have a closer
magic act. I really think it is important, and I
think yeah, and I think that like given the right opportunities,
(26:54):
and you want to us all fairness, I'm a wizard
at best, be a wizard's apprentice. I'd love to what
you do enjoy close up magic? Would you like to
see it? I'm sure what with coin cards? So if
you Look at these cards right here. You'll see that
there's a coin inside of them. Okay, already feel the
(27:17):
card in the coins now everyone put that inside these
cups here, card in the cup, card with the coin card.
I'm gonna get some water here. Okay, look at this.
I'm gonna drink that's real, it's real water. And then
I'm gonna pour it into the cup here. Okay, now
(27:38):
I'm gonna shake up all the cops. Now, now which
card hold? I forgot to ask you do remember your
cald on? Let me do this again. Good afternoon. Children.
Do not push, not puomy. That is the main thing
being a lover or a button ai? Oh my gosh,
can I push one button? No? Do not push? Not
(27:59):
pull me? What would happen you go through time? What
about this just makes noises? Is that that? But makes noise? Yes?
Thankfully that's the party horn, that's the one you can
(28:20):
What about this one here? Oh my god? I should raise?
Where are we? Where we are? What strange contracted? Is this?
We go to real sing Gabriel Elementary School? What what
(28:41):
be that? It's a high school, elementary school, it's a
there's a they're attached. Okay, they're attached be nights in
some strange army. No, no, we're just we're just kids.
Well I will have I can press this button. Well,
(29:06):
you've done it, children, you've messed up the time continued.
Everything has changed now, mmy. We were in the Middle
Ages for like five minutes. That was enough. Jimmy stid Jimmy.
So what's different now the present? Let's find out. No, no, no,
I want to go back in time. I want to say, Jimmy, please,
(29:28):
you saved the cat mine from collapsing, that old cat mind.
But from in the eighties. Collapse, that's what that's what happens.
The man responsible for the mind collapsing was the great great,
great great great great grandson of that night. Then I've
never had children again because he felt so bad about
killing a child aboard a bus. Whoa, there's so many
(29:51):
cats here. I don't see any people though, And Jimmy
is still dead. That's the thing. There are no people anymore.
It's just cats now, all right. We can't fix this, guys.
We gotta fix it now. Somebody's got to stop that kid.
I'm pulling this Leverick. That was the sounds of Halloween.
(30:14):
Button push the one he pulled before. That's the time drowning. Okay,
where are we look at? There aren't more beings Humo pods.
Let the Humo pads come out of the box. This
must be the future. Well we go to the future.
(30:36):
That's not gonna help Jimmy still dead. Once, use our
rank and to make this bus flown. Who yeah, hello, hello, hello, hello,
hello hello? What years? I have a new trick I
(30:58):
want to present to the forward. Is the time for
trick presentation of animal? Yeah, let's let us see the track.
I have two tricks I would like to present. Okay,
show the first trick. First. First one is two psychoronian chords.
I like the idea, so tie them together and watch
us then fold on itself. Wow, like space and time.
(31:21):
The second one is I would like to present and
perform at birth with myself. Oh man, I will just
date a young one and then push out immediately. You
kids shouldn't see this gets okay, while we're flying through
(31:44):
space and time, buttons and leverage, person, Yes, tell me
exactly where we need to go to make Jimmy come
back alive. I wish I had all the answers. Children.
Let me see let's go back to the coordinates that
you want to before. Perhaps you can chase the outcome
with an Okay, who would you know us? You heard him?
(32:08):
Oh yes, that's right. Oh sorry, that's just my standard
greeting will be. I don't remember that. And I feel
bad about killing your friends. Gallant Night, I once again
asked you to not tell the story of the magic
thing that appeared and you stabbed a child a magic bus.
(32:29):
A bus is a crazy old man, a fool, gallants Night.
I swore to never have children because I felt so
bad about killing that child in front of his friends.
Look when you keep on telling the story, always telling
the story at a feast, and everyone look at me.
I saw a magic boost up here, and then I
(32:51):
stabbed a kid. And then while we're eating, we have
to hear you talk about how you cut your own
ticket balls off to not have kids. This is the
food thing we're said here. They are other dicken balls.
I have presumed they are so shriveled and disgus. At
least this was a while ago. He killed them, Gallant
to Night, I don't bring them to dinner. My god,
(33:14):
MENSI school boss, we were wrong. The tagalogue I didn't
want you to see that. Let's go back to just
before nut ago, that would make sense. I suggest that
how we go, Jimmy, you're alive, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
(33:36):
Here's the thing, Jimmy, I saw hell. What's he like?
Jimmy's burning. Jimmy, you have to listen to me. Listen
to me. That door is going to open it A
night's going to be there, and he's in a wild.
The sword we have to come up with a way
to kill the knight just makes the night like kids? Okay,
(34:00):
them a craft really quickly? What's strange? Vehicle? No? No, no,
no no? Why is he freaking out? We beat no
fairies of fatherhood, of motherhood, fairies of fatherhood. I know
(34:20):
not what you speak of. Let's get out of here.
So what I think happened is Jimmy's alive, but we
still killed the night, so he'll never have a kid.
To save the mine from collapsing. Right, Maybe some girls
(34:41):
have an idea throw my help us out. I was
on my phone. I can't. I'm sorry. I'm not sure either.
What's been going on? Guys, they're not good at step subjects.
That's so not true. That is so not true. That
is been awfully quiet this whole time. Well, we've been
traveling all over I've been getting do you know why,
because I'm trying to discover what the difference between algebra
(35:03):
and geometry is. Okay, once you create that branch the
total human question, the math community will shutter at my greatness,
Like why don't you guys go back to wherever you
want before? I'm like, we'll chime in this time and
try to help. Yeah, okay, okay, what this strange vehicle? Girls, Hey,
(35:25):
so we're like super deities and ship and like we're
like coming from like God in Heaven. To let you
know that, like talk, we're angels, so like totally respect
us angels. Cut off your dick and balls and sacrifice.
Abraham almost killed this son. This is like kind of
like the same thing. So like do it or like
you're gonna be like turned to like a pillar salt
(35:46):
and shut. Yeah, that's totally true. Wait night before you
do that, girls, real quick to If he does that,
then he doesn't have kids and then no one saves
the cat mine from collapsing. Oh my god, what why
are you telling this now? You just told us to
jump back into We told you we were out of
the what. Look, it's just come with us, just come
(36:07):
with come to heaven, just heaven. Yeah kind of. It's
two nine, luck or sent you. Alright, open up, magic bus,
it's the school board. We got a wizard. I'm I'm
supposed to drive this boss, but unfortunately a wizard's apprentice
(36:30):
can do close up man Jack, this be not a wizard.
I'm a wizard. I am from an era where people
know what wizards are. Well, you're not wearing a hat
with a question mark on it. Oh, but why don't
you show him some up close magic? Yeah, go ahead
and show him some up close magic. Got to close
(36:52):
up magic? Yes we can't. Oh my god, shut the fuck.
As the school board lawyer, I need to ask who
this adult in this bus is. Who are you, sir?
I I have come from a strange time into an
even stranger time here I'm in heaven. Yes, very well,
will you sign this waiver? Please waiver? I just touch
(37:13):
it with your hand. Alas, sir, I am illiterate. Alright, night,
I'm sorry you did this, but you signed a lot
of rights away. Okay, what do you understand what's happening
right now? Okay, now, look just calmed down. Okay, and
look now I'm gonna do this for free, but pretty
much for okay. Okay, alright, no, not what that is.
You don't know what that is. Okay, you better pay
(37:35):
me that money. I see that coin person on your hip,
all right, I know there's some gold bullion in there.
All right, this is the king's money. Yeah, well, I'm
gonna be mine soon. Okay, you're in a lot of trouble, dude,
listen here, attorney, Look, you can say what you want
to say. But he signed so we're gonna use his
likeness all over this the city of We're gonna have
posters of him. He had. He had complicit ignorance in
(37:56):
this side. He didn't know what he was doing. And
look at his Look at his signature. It's just to cross.
That doesn't make it a goddamn s I will run
you through, Sarah, holy okay, and I will cut off
my dicken ball. No, no, no, hi, honey, Hey, I
had a tough day today about it? How did you?
(38:19):
I got tickets to the locker room going out? Okay,
I don't think he loves us. I don't think so either.
I got tickets to the locker Tension Night's game tonight.
If you want to go. When are we eating? I
brought some You wouldn't have anything? Just staunched by bleeding?
Why is it bleeding so much? Made a deeper incision
(38:43):
that I planned on Nicole. Your your new Housemaide is sexy. Look,
don't before you get excited. He has no dicken bolls.
I love a challenge. Hello, I love what you're wearing.
Thank you. Hi. My name is Stephanie. I am Twaine,
Sir Twain who had loved that. I don't see a
(39:05):
wedding that ring on your finger? No, no, I am
married to my quest. Oh I love that. I love
a guy who's just addicted to his job. I'm not
married either, all right. I live right next door, so
if you need anything and they're not home, you can
always mom, I'm hungry, okay, Yeah, so if you need anything,
you can just pop on over and just get whatever
(39:26):
you want. Or this is your child, it is can No,
you can't have to. Yeah, whatever you see whatever you
want to get a ship? Uh so, yeah, she's mine,
but on baggage again, I have castrated myself longest Rito's
commercial ever, and that's gonna get to our thirds and
(39:51):
final scene this afternoon. Try Alchemists. I'm a longtime listener
and just want to say that you've been doing a
great job at what you do. So my side suggestion
Science thinks they see So my scene suggestion is civil.
A group of court gestures have been told by a
king that they must create three hilarious skits to entertain
the foreign visitors. Sir Marvin mckugh of Room thirty two,
(40:14):
Alchemist Max f All, gather around, my gestures. We have
a very important guest coming today. Well here then what
we got today? Well, I've promised him a three very
funny sketches, and I want my three most valuable gestures
(40:39):
to complete. Sketches is like a skit, it's but it's
meticulously written and written juggle, I do flips. I want
you to write three sketch comedy scenes from Marvin mckugh man.
Each one needs to be, you know, than the previous.
(41:01):
Save the funniest for last. Jesus, be funny. That's all right.
A show that builds gentlemen. But I don't know how
to ride. And also, I mean that's subjective to know
what's the funniest I see that you're having a hard time.
Let me give some inspiration, please, I mean well four
seconds into the if you it will cost you your heads.
(41:24):
That for inspiration? Good day snakes, That is gentlemen sneaks. Okay, okay,
can we use that in the sketches? Maybe? Yeah? Should
we all go to a corner and then start writing, Yeah,
it's come back. Let's go to corners for like two minutes.
So come back and we'll pitch our ideas. Okay in
(41:44):
the meantime, No, no, not over there. What was that?
What was that about? I thought we could kiss goodbye?
I thought we could kiss goodbye. What do you mean
kiss goodbye? Kiss before we go to our corners? I
mean if we give the insiration, yes, please, So you
promise that you're gonna be really funny sketches. Oh, there's
nothing that's going to make you laugh harder than each
(42:06):
consecutive sketch. They're gonna be very funny. Marvin. Look, when
I traveled in time back to the past, you know,
I bought a magic bus for cheap from the school.
We love that you've chosen all little town, all little Kingdom. Marvin,
I know that I kind of have a celebrity here
(42:26):
just because the novelty of a guy being from the future.
I'm just curious if if comedy is the same in
the Middle Ages. Oh my guesses it is. What's funny
must transcend this. This is your betrothed. I've wanted to
I wanted to introduce you in a more formal way.
How old is this kid? Well, this is my daughter.
(42:46):
She's eighteen. Really she's nineteen. Okay, all right that it's
like middle aged. She's on her way out. I'm sorry.
We don't have a younger daughter for you. I'm sorry.
So I know how die soon? Just pat the back. Well,
(43:08):
I wouldn't kiss her on the mouth, Marvin. Everyone who
has has gotten sick. But but Marvin, tell me more
about the future. Okay, so here's my idea. All right, okay,
so please just leave our corners alone. Just come over
to us when it's done. I'm done. I'm ready. It
just sounds like a pitch because you've come over several
times with a pitch and no work's him out. Okay,
(43:32):
here's the long line. Okay, So I'm telling you, I'm
telling you. I don't just read this sketch. If it's done,
just read it, okay, um Hi, I'm a motivational speaker
and I live in a van. What's that down by?
If the is a van? What is this? Neverver? Now? First,
(43:53):
all right, I cannot do this A half ago am out.
I cannot. This chat is killing me. But if you
got an idea there, I yes, I have a little
one back done. Now it's a little Why don't we
just put him up? I'll go first, since mine is
it's not done. Least it's not done. So what is it?
It's some guy who lives in a band and he's
a motritional speaking Look, this is crazy. I'm gonna sucking die.
(44:19):
I'm wanna die to do none of you is the funniest,
be the funniest. Oh god, I need to go back
to your corners, scribes, scribes. I need your help. I
need your help. Oh I'm busy writing right now exactly
to describe. I know exactly what you are. I need
your fucking help. Alright, what do you need from there?
I gotta do some fucking craziest shift for the kingdom
(44:40):
a fucking dead. Oh so you need a sketch risen. Yes, familiar.
I was tossing around something fantastic. Yeah, what if it's
a jousting tournament where the knights have confusing names, like
one of them is who? All right? One of them
is what? Who? Who? The other is? I don't know?
Wait what you can see already that? Sorry, it's just
(45:06):
too confusion. I'll never left. I'm writing it. Who did
you say? Was a night? Who's a night? Fun? That fun? That? Look?
I need help with from our sketch, A walk on it.
We just need to listen to you. I don't know
a man a horse with a long spear. Okay, that's
what the rise came up. It was trash, It was hoble,
(45:30):
a whole place up. I burned all the papers. I
left those two old pieces of ship in there to
cook a live Oh Jesus, you mean sketch? Oh my god,
what is it? No? Say who's there? Why? See who's there? Why?
Because that's the second line to what my sketch? Well
right out? Then how do we knock? Knock? What? Who's there? What?
(45:55):
And then Alec Baldwin played him in the more recent seasons,
but Darrel Hammond actually the better in There's a lot
to explain. What I really like to know is more
about the crops, what years? What should we grow with
the crops? Father, I don't know who this is, Baldwin.
Who is this father? Son? Brother? Shame? What's your shame
(46:18):
about that? I was hoping i'd have another daddy. Okay.
I feel like I'm in the middle of something here,
so I like to get in the middle of something there. Okay,
I think, and now I've picked up on whats going on.
We are trying to talk. He is a future he
is a future teller, a fortune teller. I just live
(46:40):
in the future. So I just don't want to hear
any more about I like Baldwin, I need to hear
about the crops. Well, I didn't even getting started on
his brothers. Okay, go, I'm go ahead and finish that
one of them. Conservative. Well, I've got mine written. It's
on the scrulls. Here which part will I be? You
read a merchant, merchant, and then you read incredulous lady,
(47:05):
just lady, Okay, merchant. Right you guys, good day. I
will be the main guy, of course, and here's mine
and you're going to be playing Marcus Philippent and you'll
be playing the Christian with the hat. Christians the hat,
not that I can channel that. And here's my um.
(47:27):
When I say knock, knock, you say who's there? And
then I'll take I'll take it from there. So okay,
all right, I hope you fool's ready. Marvin mccure was
ready for his comedy Do not ring this? Yeah, we're good.
We've got great sketches. All right, Yes, either are really
nice seats to see any kind of show. Get your
hand off my knee. That was that was mine? It's
(47:49):
clearly now, well I didn't. I thought it was mine.
Do you need to sit right next to me? What?
My sister's not here yet? I don't know, it's probably yeah,
well this is where the royalty sits. You know she's
n eighteteen, she's a mother, right, so how old you?
I'm sixteen? Well you look good? Thank you, thank you.
You know I can hold my breath for thirty seconds.
Why don't you try it right now? Oh, it looks
(48:13):
like the comedy starting. Welcome, Welcome to Castle Live Live
featuring just just to I guess they still featured players.
And now here's your host, the King. All right, we
(48:42):
have today a special sketch comedy. Don't laugh yet, that's
not funny. But the band's really cracking up at nothing, Marvin,
You're about to see. They're just this is so funny.
It does transcend time and space like yours. It's so funny.
They're laughing before they all the jokes. Sketch number one,
(49:07):
Hello merchant, Hello, this pet dragon you sell me is dead? Dead?
Is a door nail? Well, no returns on dead dragons?
Now returns. You told me it was alive. It was
when I sawed it. No, it was it. God take
(49:29):
that chest. Wait a second, Yes, I think they're all
in each other's sketches legs. So that's that all right. Well,
this one's going to be killed, Jester, I can read
(49:50):
My mistake is king. But now you're an actor in
the following ones. I hope you're prepared. I'm not. Don't worry.
Your life isn't on the line, but i'd like to
see you perform in Sketch number two to laugh A
road is dad? No, I hope that we killed the
person that wrote the first sketch. No, no, do you
(50:13):
wrote it? He's dead? Oh? Well I killed two people.
You can be you can be on book. I don't mind.
I'm still slightly alive. It's what you wanted. God damn it. Yes,
I did not want that. He did not want that.
I'm ready with the best sketch of all. Do you
(50:34):
need another actor? No audience participation? All right, I'm sure
the audience will participate. Me and Marvin will do it. Martin,
Me and Marvin will be happy to do it. We
want the sketch. Heaven want the sketch being funny, knock knock,
(51:00):
who's there? Land shock killing? God? No, k oh no, Chris,
this is the end for all. Oh my dad, Oh,
I'll never be in another sketch again. I don't think
(51:23):
that's possible. Let's see the school bus, Marvin. We can
save you. On the school bus next to us, some
girls pressing the button, and that's our show for today.
Will Marvin be okay? Oh God, I hope not. Let's
(51:46):
thank our Achamus. See if you guys are up to
Chris Alvarado, Hey, thanks for having me here. I like
doing this with the people in this room and people
who weren't here. We missed them all. You can follow
me at out, Chris by guys from the top. I'm done.
That's enough full move on. Joey Grahare. Check out Bear
(52:08):
Supply every second and fourth Wednesday, nine o'clock at the
West Side Comedy Theater. Also listen to good Night the
album I'm on It, I did it. Check it on
Amazon Prime, I guess iTunes. All this stuff at Koski
on Twitter, at like at Craigslist, Pea cast the list
(52:30):
podcast James. If you go to t Springs dot com
and look for Alchemy this, you'll find that we have
not just our logo on a shirt, but you can
see the brand new shirt with the words snoof on
it and you can have a shirt ye made by
you for you? Is that? Is that a copy for you?
(52:58):
A little different? Also shout out. We have two people
who are listening to the part fans of the podcast.
Come out to see Bear Supply. Doug Lane came out
from d C. I think I said it right and
it's not a cool, it's not a could uh And
that shout out to them. So come out you can.
You can see shows in real life and happy people
doing it. Also, if you're in the Bay Area, Alchemy
(53:18):
this will be making an appearance at SF Sketches. The
line ups gonna be pretty rad this year. Tony Shalhoub
Freestyle Love Supreme, uh, Sandra Bernhard, lots of other great stuff.
But don't you do something with the festival coal kind
of run it. Oh spar Supply will be there too
in the show. Uh so are Craig and Carlo will
(53:41):
be there doing stuff and all sorts of things. So
go to SF sketches dot com checking out a lot
of your favorite Alchemists are wandering around doing various shows
over the several months that you're running. Is eighteen straight
days January nine. Let's thank our engineer Doug Babe, our
post sound design artists Fail Brito. We encourage you all
(54:03):
to write a review, tell everyone you've ever met and
write to us at your name here at alchemy this
dot com. That's your name here at alchemy this dot com.
Until next time this
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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