November 18, 2021 • 51 mins
Cat Poo advent calendar;
MTV presents "You Just Got Deeked!";
The tortoise and the hare's high school reunion.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of al Give this finder
guess sad In for KP. But the nightmare will be over. Stand,
let's meet everybody, Shelly. First off, it's James. E. James.
What's the thing that bothers you the most? If your
apartment is messy, Like, what is it that makes you crazy?
I don't mind clutter of papers or stuff like that,
(00:23):
but if there's dirty dishes, it really like germs that
have to do with food bother me. And one of
my biggest pet peeves is if somebody leaves like wet
bread on a plate and leaves it in the sink
or somebody like kinds like just some racist brand, and
that's in the drain, it should have to make me
(00:43):
lose it. Who's pouring water over bread? I think I
think Martin just I think Mark is writing that down.
By the way, I literally just wrote wet bread on
a plate, just just to put it in the memory bank.
As I'm looking down to see the names of characters,
I just want to read the phrase my plate. But
someone in my house doesn't eat the crust of bread
(01:05):
pretty much. And uh, if it goes in the sink,
it gets well, well, it shouldn't be too. I've got
some clues. Let me know how to prank James. Just
go to his house and leaves from what bread on
a plate. Believe it be fun. Next up is Jackie
(01:28):
Gonzalez to Ruthie. Jackie, what's something you used to eat
as a kid but not so much anymore? Oh, I'm
I'm a pretty habitual eater, and um I do stay
really like I still eat like the same breakfast cereals
and things like that. But my mom did tell me
before my memory, so I was really really little that
(01:49):
I used to just eat straight up margarine out the tub.
I don't do that anymore. I mean it's still pretty great.
Just get a shot again, just spoon falls. But if
it was peanut butter, well that sounds good. Just have
that with some wet bread and your set. Next up
is Chris Alvarado. Chris, if you could form a dance
(02:12):
crew today, who would you put on it? Maybe? Okay,
here we go, actually this crew right here? Yeah, look
at this, Look at this, Look at all of this
right here. I mean, Jackie's our star. You know, James
is gonna bring the wild marks probably actually very good.
(02:33):
But uh so, I bet you are too cool. I
bet you're an actually good dancer. But then I feel
like Craig is our sleeper hit. He's our classically trained
dancing because what happens, it's like I battle somebody, I
win or lose. Mark battles the other person in the crew,
and you go head to head like battling, and then
when they bring their big guns, we bring ours, and
fucking Kakowski just gets down some floorworks and breakdancing floorworks, windmills.
(02:57):
It's pretty accurate, but I'm more Martha Gray, but this
is my crew. Cool Chris. I saw the picture she
just posted on Instagram of your amazing like outfits from
the nineties. It must have been the late nineties, and
it was like a breakdancing What was the born to
Break had? Oh, it's just breakers. I was part of
(03:21):
a just real quick. I was part of a dance
crew called play School. That's the so Cal chapter of
play School. Play School was a national breakdancing crew. I
had a battle my way in. I had a battle
guy named Gilligan. I had a battle album and I
got in and um. Then I would go to parties
near Downey, south Gate, Lynwood, Norwalk. Belle Compton and Battle
(03:41):
of the Breakdancing Crewise. My name was bounced because I
used to bounce my body. That was my thing. So yeah,
and then I had a big play School decout put
on my Honda CRX on the hood, so everywhere I
went people knew I was from play School. Represent I
got past Professor and Maryanne It. Next up, it's Craig Kakowski. Everybody, Craig.
(04:09):
Is there a movie with like a killer's direct a
killer director's commentary track that you've listened to on DVD
that you just love? Yeah, the best one is for
Steven Soderbergh's The Limey because the writer, uh, first of all,
it's pretty good movie. Start with Terence Stamp is the
titular lime Uh. The writer in Soderberg did not get
(04:33):
along at all, and he made a movie completely different
than the guy's script. And then they agreed to sit
down together and do the commentary, and the entire thing
is them fucking sniping at each other and passive commenting
on how much they hated the other guy's work. Well,
I have that on DVD, so I should pop that
(04:54):
at some point. So awesome, guys. Mark Aagliardi is here look, guys,
Mark Gagliardi, if you had to pick a favorite SNL
cast member from his fifty year plus run, who is it?
What do you love from his fifty year plus run?
I'm gonna go back to the early years and I'm
(05:14):
going to say the O g uh from that O
G cast. Ah. See, now I go like, okay, well
I have one, but then I have but then I
have three but oh no, no no. But also this person,
I'm gonna you know what, I'm gonna stop it too.
I'm gonna go workhorse Dan Ackroyd and the funniest part
of the show, Gilda Radner. That's that's gonna be my
workhorse and and uh and hilarity duo right there. And
(05:38):
I think between the two of them they created comedy
Voltron for those first five years. Oh good choices. I
really thought you're gonna go with Brad Hall. But you know,
like those are good, those are solid. Brad Hall doesn't
mean David Byrne A very mean David Cool. What's yours?
I'm really curious about this. Who's Who's your number one?
Phil Hartman? Probably I just thought he was like he
(06:00):
could do everything. Um, and of course the lovel Lorraine
because she's the sweetest person in the world. Um, but yeah,
probably Phil Hartman. Let's do a show, shall we? Let's
do it. All of our c suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails,
or from our Patreon v I p s. To become
a Patreon supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content
and other perks, just head on over to Patreon dot
(06:21):
com slash alchemy this. If you'd like to submit a
scene suggestion via email, please write to the podcast at
our email address, alchemy this email at gmail dot com.
That's jamail dot com. See one is from listeners Sydney McKenna,
who wrote, Hey everyone, you're also funny to become my
(06:42):
own and only podcast. I'm such a fanatical fan that
I rave about the podcast, but no one else seems
to share my interest. Oh well, here is another suggestion.
It came to me about while walking my dogs. Suggestion
cat poo advent calendar. Sorry and thank you Sydney from Canada.
Oh my gosh, so like gossh it's finally Christmas season.
(07:09):
Christmas bib bib baby. I know I'm using interrut. I
know I'm using interrut. Most of the year. But this
is when I come alive. This is when I feel good,
you know. And I'm sorry I'm a pain in the ass,
but but but I'm here, I'm awake, I feel refreshed. Okay,
(07:30):
I'm gonna get some coffee. Yes, okay, when you go
get us some coffee, keep your eyes peeled, because there's
something very special in don't. I don't, Tom, what is it? Well?
I was packing up the skins of the of the
Advent calenders and uh, I don't. I don't know which
(07:53):
one it is, but one of them doesn't have chocolate inside.
Wait a minute, you telling me, you're telling me that
somebody came through an ate all the chocolate out of
one of the Advent calendars before before I'm just gonna
be honest. I ate all of it. I eat all
the chocolate. But here's the thing I didn't do. What
happened next? Wait? Wait, hang on a second. You came
(08:16):
here a confessor crime. No, I didn't mean. I didn't
want to confess. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. Mr Mustapholes.
Here is just seems anty about something. I don't know
why it seems so anty. Well, here's the problem. On
the security camera footage, I caught Mr Mustapes he pooped
(08:36):
inside of each one of the Edvent calendar boxes. Hold
on a second, it was gonna happen. And you're telling
me that you ate all the chocolate out of one
of the calendars. And then my sainted cat Mr Mustapholz,
who has been here in this Christmas warehouse longer than
(08:59):
you have been a live that he went through and
out of what spike some sort of practical joke. I
put sand in it because I thought we would just
send it out and there'd be some sand in there.
And I think he thought the sand with little plenty
kiddie boxes. What the funk is this? It's a it's
(09:23):
an Advent calendar. So you open up. Oh god, you're
getting back to your pre Christmas well you know what attitude?
You know what? Of course? Actually no, no, this makes sense.
You know. I bought peppermint creamer for our coffee baby,
peppermint creamer. Thank you. I love that, Thank you? And
(09:45):
then what did you do? I got an Advent calendar
and it has little pieces of chocolate so you can
have a sweet treat every day, but they're wrapped up
in different things, you know, Like one of them is
going to be the shape of a candcane, run is
gonna be the ship of the tree. One of those
of the stalking well, I had the one that was
in the shape of an ornament. Mmmm, lucky, lucky guy.
(10:10):
That means I get tomorrows it? So so tom Here
here's the here's the problem is this had better be good.
There's only one bad chocolate. There's only one bad Advent
calendar and a whole skin of a hundred other ones. Yeah, well,
please tell me that you took that advent calendar and
(10:33):
threw it away. No, it got shipped. We got shipped.
That ship I got shipped. But it's just one. Probably
most people don't even eat the Advent calendar most Awfully's
we heard that you're ship calendar cat, so clever? Yes,
(10:54):
I did rum tum tuggeropolis. Is it true that you
not only ship you also then rewrapped the ships in
the appropriate packaging? Look, if you're a cat pulling a prank,
you've got to do it right. And first of all,
to come up with twenty five ships and at such
(11:17):
a limited time frame and be able to shape those
ships into the formfitting shapes of the of the Avan calendar.
It was a challenge. Believes you don't have a problem
with Christmas? Do you Christmas? Why? It's my favorite holiday? Well,
it just seems like a, you know, not a very
(11:39):
Christmas thing to do. Well, I thought it was brilliant
and I want to get on it too. I'm gonna
start pooping in shapes and put them in a van
calendars myself. We can make a whole business out of this. Mystopolies, Well,
come to the Avan counter warehouse that I work at.
Shell You know what, why don't we just skipped to today,
(12:02):
I mean skipped it tomorrow. Why don't you open the
next one and until tomorrow? That's not how it works.
I love that you want to share, and I can't
wait to have mine tomorrow. Did you know how how
do I put this? I don't know how. I know
because I've never eaten. It's not you know what. I'm
(12:29):
going for a walk, please, babe. I took the whole
month off of work so that we could celebrate every
day until Christmas, and today's our gingerbread house making day.
I know I'm gonna be with you. I took the
whole month off of work. Damn it ed yesterday? Yesterday
(12:52):
it was the advent calendar. What what the hell am
I hearing about a gingerbread house days off? At least
you are such a good cat. You are such a
You are such a good little cat, never causing any
trouble like Ed does. I don't know anything about Okay,
I'll tell the truth. I eat a gingerbread house, but
(13:14):
I didn't do anything else. What happened? You ate one
of the gingerbread house, just one. It wasn't builter anything.
It was just the pieces that you would build. I'm hungry.
We seldom, as kids, a lot of them are built.
So you're telling me, look, at least tell me that
you took the empty box and threw it away. No,
I think it will we do? Is we just put
(13:35):
the box back in and somebody would have no gingerbread house.
They bring it back to the story, get the money back,
not a big oh for God's sake. So in the
past two days you've shipped an empty gingerbread house box?
What what is it? Missed? The must off? At least?
What what is it? Rum tum tugger? You know, I
sometimes get the feeling that hest two were talking to
(13:55):
each other. Tom oh oh damn Tom. Look this video.
Look at this video, the security footage. Some kids. Okay, okay, okay,
it's gingerbread Day. I love gingerbread Day. I love I
guess maybe I don't know something's wrong with my I
(14:16):
don't you know what? Shake it off, it, shake it off,
and let's put on our favorite podcast, the most wonderful
part of the years. Okay, I'll put that on, and
let's get to this gingerbread house. What do you say?
I say, I love you a gingerbread mansion, and I'll
(14:42):
make a gingerbread shack and we'll pretend that you know,
you know, like you're rich and I'm poor. It's pretty
break Yeah. Okay, well I'm gonna open mind up. Now.
Why don't we make something together? Okay, like a moderately
sized home, yes, humble home, humble home, okay, two bedrooms
(15:08):
and bath, nothing too fancy, but also really impeccably decorated.
Would you look at this? Look it's look at it.
Get closer, but stand you're always rubbing my nose into
(15:28):
myne mistakes. I get it. This looks like ship. But
you know it's our jobs to make it look right,
and to make it look like a beautiful house. M'ami
ship in this bad Hold on a second, I want
to rewind to watch that part again. I can't believe
(15:49):
he's doing this. Rewind that video, will you just in
the beginning of that song? Play it again? And I
think this is the beginning, ma'amies ashtion in every box here? Okay?
Hip pause? Plus what why rum Tum Tugger is shipping it?
(16:12):
Mr Mustapholis is just watching the whole you know what? Rewind?
Rewind pass, rewind back to the beginning of this whole thing.
I want to see how this this started. All right, No, babe, babe,
I don't want to take it out on you anymore.
I don't want to, but I have an idea, hear
me out. I looked at the back of the box
of the Advent Calendar, and I looked at the back
(16:34):
of the box of the Gingerbread House, same distribution company
right here in China. Okay, let's go there, Okay, okay,
I just get up. I just feel like i've I've
(16:55):
messed up. And I know that no, you didn't miss up.
You didn't miss up. If it's early, it's still early
on in the season, and we can redo this and
we can make it right. So let's let's go make
it right. I I do recognize that it doesn't just
look like shit. It is, in fact ship. It's just
we also love Chino, and we love Chino. I love Chino, California.
(17:22):
I freaking love Chino. They have a jail there, I know,
and I coffee and coffee. No, Hi, Pau mustafils Hi, Paul,
our work is brilliant. They're gonna sing these songs and
change our own personal songs to reflect our recent activity.
(17:43):
Oh well, I never was there ever a count so
clever as magical. Mr Mustaff. That really isn't Thank you
for turning me on to this. This has been the
best day of my nine lives. You're welcome, rum tub
Tugger changing Changing Christmas is a factory. We don't people
(18:06):
just coming. Look, it's a little Jellico cat, Sweet Sweet
who owns this place? Tom? Tom Cat seems to have
heard it's funny. He's like I swear he speaks English. Okay,
where's Tom now? Tom doesn't usually take unexpected visitors. Who
(18:33):
is it though? But who? We don't know that? What
are you doing in here? How did you get in here?
I don't normally take unexpected visitors? How did you get past?
I just pushed past him. Don't look at that doodle?
Is this your Is this your advent calendar? Wait? Wait, no, no, no,
flip the advent calendar over. I want to see the doodle?
(18:54):
Did you doodle on the Advent calendar? For God's sake? Kid,
you don't know the day I've had. You don't know
the week I've had. You don't know the month I've had.
Christmas is the worst fucking time of year. Everything about what?
Don't say that what's gonna happen? If I say that
Christmas is the worst time of year, that something bad's
(19:18):
gonna happen. You know what. I don't have time for this.
I got, I got, I got, I got, I got.
Their heads shipping in the boxes, and the cats are
shipping in the boxes and edd shipping them off. People
are doodling all over hard make people are doodling all over.
Hold what your cat is just trying to enjoy? Its communicating.
(19:39):
It's communicating unic Wait what you talk? He can't talk.
It's the most magical time of the year. Maybe it
can Tom I'm sorry, but there's some people that pay
a lot of money for coffee beans that cats crep out.
(20:00):
Maybe this is just a delicacy, these chuckling cat craps.
So you're telling me, Tom Thomas Thomas Stearns Elliott that
after after losing this uh this warehouse, yeah Christmas items,
(20:22):
after losing that business, you wrote a series of poems.
Here's the thing. I didn't even write the poems. All
the neighborhood cats came over. Miss the Mustapholis and rump
Tom Tugger were at the place. But I'm talking all
of the jellical cats were there. Okay, that's that's fucking crazy.
They're good poems, like you don't have to make up
a bullshit It's not a bullshit story. I said, Christmas
(20:45):
is the worst fucking time of year. And then the
cats all started talking to me simultaneously. Look, Elliott, I'm
publishing your poems, okay, with the funk out of my office.
Oh okay, Well that this went better than I thought
it would. C Two from patri v I P Crispy Ai,
(21:07):
who wrote still Madly in Love with you All. My
scene suggestion is MTV presents you just got deeked. Oh
um uh, Deek, if you'd step into my office and
take a seat in that leather well, it doesn't matter
what kind of chair it is, but be careful because
it is a leather chair. Deek, if you wouldn't mind
(21:32):
just stepping on over there, you just got deep. I
just told you that's a leather chair. Hey man, you can't.
You can put Deak in a chair, but you can't
take Deec out a deek. What the You're going to
be suspended? What You're gonna be suspended from school? Maybe
(21:56):
that'll d You can suspend Deep from Hell, yeah, I can't.
I was a principal of this school. You can take
Deec out of the school, but you can't take Deec
out of dec I'm gonna prove you wrong, sir. You're
gonna see Deek have a seat in any chair you'd like. Now,
as you know, I'm the superintendent of the school district.
(22:17):
As you also know, we have c C cameras, and
as you probably also also know, I watch every minute
of the footage of every camera we have. That's a
lot of footage. Yeah. Now, what you might not know
is I've got a son. I didn't know. And what
(22:38):
you also might not know is my son has an
internship at the Music Television Network. And what you also
might not know based on the information I've told you
right now, is that he's in a position to climb
the ladder. WHOA, this is a lot to digest. But
what I'm telling you is I passed him your footage
of you, deacon out. That's what I've been calling doubt.
(23:01):
Are you serious right now? You're asking me for a favor?
Please just do me this one favor. You've been so
absent my whole fucking life so I could buy you stuff.
I owe you nothing, nothing. Just take a look at it.
I'll never ask you for another thing ever again. I
try to hang out with you. You're watching CCTV. I
try to hang out with you. You're watching more footage
(23:23):
from your own personal security cameras set up in your school.
You're a sick man who loves watching kids in a
teenage do absolutely nothing. Let's get real, nothing is ever
happening in your school. It's boring. You're boring, all right. Well,
I'm so I just took that out like no, I'm
(23:45):
glad everything just came out at me of me at once. Wow,
this does a complicated relationships, superintend. Yeah, that's pretty rough,
but we learned a lot about each other afternoon that
I just told you about. And let's short of it
is he wants to take you to the network. What.
(24:09):
Oh my gosh, that's what I've dreamed of. Well, your
dreams come true, thanks, superintend. I'm going to prove your
confidence well placed. There's a black uber outside waiting for you.
All right, executives, what I want now is fresh pitches
because we have three time slots that are open for
(24:32):
fresh shows. And they can be reality or they can
be scripted, but I am going to request that they
do have to do with the father son relationship. What
if we uh, what if we uh reunite the Buggles? Oh?
I like I like the Buggles. That was my idea.
The first video was the video Killed the Radio Star
(24:55):
by the Buggles because we were we were twenty four
seven music music videos? Remember that? Yeah? Why don't we
go back to be in music videos? I ken't bringing
this up. Why don't we do it? Um? I don't
remember that. I wasn't born yet, but uh, you know,
(25:17):
you guys are here, you're tenured. Yeah, we can't be fired.
That's right, MTV can't fire us. More pitch, you know,
I'll take it as one pitch, and it's not guaranteed
to be in one of the three times, but I'm
gonna I'm gonna take that pitch and I'm but we
need to get a pitch in a time slot, right,
So we get to pitch and then we decide whether
(25:38):
it's going to go into into a time soon. And again,
I'm really into the father's son dynamic thing right now.
That's what I had a threesome with Martha Quinn and J. J. Jackson. Wow,
well that's not father son, but I would like to
hear about that. So let me get this straight. Deek,
when I drop you off in front of this studio,
you're gonna go in there and pitch yourself unannounced. That's
(25:58):
so crazy. Yeah, I know, right, but it's on BRANFORDY.
Can I put something on your way out of my car? Yes? Sure, dude.
What if you ended every gag by saying suck my deek, Sue,
that's a fresh stake. I'll do it all right, seeing
good luck. So, back when I used to do the MTV,
(26:22):
we had these VJs yeah, they'd report news. What if
there was a father's son news team for music news? Yeah,
oh that sounds good. We could have music videos all
delivered by fathers and sons. Kurt Odor and his dad. Yeah,
(26:42):
Kennedy and John f I don't think they're actually related.
Get out? Really? Wait, I need to have a dad
on my show. Okay, you mean you don't. Again, we're
hearing pitches and we're not guaranteeing you a show at all. Well, my,
are you telling you what's gonna you know, go? Well
(27:02):
in this in this boardroom right now? How did he
even get in here? This young man just stormed in
from an uber black Look, man, I guess who just skills? Also,
my dad is Matt Penfield. I'm deep pild Wait what
you guys gotta put me on your network? Suck my deek? Good,
(27:27):
that's not a bad phrase. Interesting? What if, um, any
time someone says a number, for example, someone says at
the Deli number sixty one, And anytime someone says a number,
you say deeks in your mouth? What about that? I mean,
I think that's Bob Dylan's thing, but I'll try it.
(27:48):
Is that Bob Dylan's thing? I'm so young. I know
who he is, like, I know that that name exists,
but I don't know anything about him any number though.
That does seem like because people say the word to
a lot, like people saying umbers a lot. That's two
deeks in your mouth. But what if they're using t
O O or t oh I'm going to die in
(28:11):
your mouth? No, I was t O was the use
I was making there. I had to clarify bell you
the shot. This guy's wanted to do everything. I like him.
I don't even know what Deacon is. Yeah, I wasn't
gonna say it, but I'm not sure what a deak is.
Does it matter? I say it with confidence, but I
(28:34):
blame Cribs for this. Don't blame Cribs. Don't get down
hill since Cribs, Cribs was was was, Cribs was right odd.
We got to see the inside of their houses. Son Um,
thank you for coming to my super intendant's office. I
(28:56):
just want to say, I'm really proud of you. I'm
really proud of you. Wow, I am. I didn't think
that it would matter to hear that from you, because
in my mind, you're kind of already debt. But it
hit it hit. It hit hard and strong. Thank you.
It's been six years since I've been at this job,
(29:22):
and three of those years then they were formative for me. Yeah.
I was kind of hoping Deek would have been here
to say something about the numbers. I just said, but
I guess we're not shooting, we're not filming now, we're
not feeling. Can I just say I actually really enjoyed
Deek and I was hesitant to do anything that you
(29:44):
brought to the table just because I resent you. But
he he is a flavor that we need in the
palette of MTV. Right now, He's hit and I knew it.
I knew it because I watched hours and hours of
teenagers walking through the halls, you know, doing stuff. Hey,
it's your point deep, I'm here on Deep. My ride
(30:04):
with the Buggles, Hey, Buggles has to going. We're not
sure what's happening here. Well, you know, you guys had
the first video on whatever this thing is that I'm on, Right, Yeah,
that's what I thought was about four years ago around
what did he say? You said a number? Right? Yes?
(30:31):
I said, all right, this is some sort of prank.
It was just like, is this like one of those
prank shows on MTV. Isn't that a frank show. It's
a straight up show where I pimp out some rides
and and talked to celebrities from film and television, Like you,
guys the Buggles. Haven't they already done that like fifteen times?
(30:59):
I'm love. Welcome to the MTV Music Video Awards. Everybody
beg so, okay, we're only giving one award away. We're
only giving a single award away tonight, and it's just
for the best of MTV. We got rid of all
(31:21):
the other categories. This is it best of the categories?
And the nominees are you got deeked with de um?
Help me out here, I need my reading. Sorry, guys,
this guy is so having so much fun. Mr. Yeah,
(31:47):
he used to do. Can we just turn this off?
We don't have to sit here and watch this ship,
do we? Oh? I guess we're sitting in the audience,
aren't we. Well, we're hearing this balcony. Yeah, but we
are kind of like we got the power to turn
this shift up, don't we? Bro bring back Carson Daily
(32:14):
well and everybody, I'm so excited. I wanted this to
be so much to be thank you to superintendent who
took a chance on a deek with a dream. Deeps
in your mouth, sir, deeps in your mouth. I'd like
to thank my producers at MTV Statler Waldorf, Waldorf, to
you guys right here someways right, Hey, guys, what's up?
(32:34):
When it was music videos? And Uh, to my dad
Matt Penfield, thanks for instilling a love Pixies in me
that I forgot about when I got my stick. And uh,
to all the dreamers out there, to all the kids
who have a dream, who have a catch phrase, deep
come into my office. Uh, do you have a problem
(32:56):
with me? I don't prom with you because I brought
you into Music Television Network and I got you all
of these shows, and yet you win the MTV Award,
the only one. You don't think me. You thinked a
lot of people, Deek, but you didn't think me. I
(33:19):
just got caught up in the moment. I didn't have
my reading glasses so I couldn't read the lists, so
I kind of started. I didn't mean any disrespect. I
humbly apologize. Dee in your mouth. You apologize with the
deak in my mouth? Just my thing. I don't even
know how to talk anymore. I don't know if I
(33:40):
can have you on this show. Man. You're deteriorating in
a big way. Your personality is getting really funky. You're
not remembering really important people, and that verbal issue is
just that. Did I just get deeked? I I don't know, man,
because I feel like you've taken the word and you've
(34:02):
you've really expanded. Do do do MTV news? This just
in everybody. Deek has been officially deeked out of his mind.
That means son he has I'm sorry interrupt you go ahead,
this is great. Uh yeah, that's all. That was that
(34:24):
now to you, dad, And that's our second. C three
is from listening Ratio Bourbon would be good though, who
wrote love the podcast scene suggestion the Tortoise and the
hair at their high school reunion. Thanks God, bless you
(34:46):
funny people. I'm sorry I don't recognize you. You look
so much different now, alright, can you can you open
your jacket so I can see your name tag? You're
supposed to put your jacket on the outside of your
name tag. I feel like this is a power move
on your part, but here, no, that's not a power move.
(35:10):
Just because you were rivals. Oh is that you, Dave Hair?
It has been you. I thought it might have been.
But sorry, I'm a little slow. I mean, not that slow. No,
(35:32):
I didn't expect that tortoise and hair would be talking
to each other. Oh, Man, you remember that race senior year. Oh,
we can recount it if you'd like Grizzly Bear. You
know you would never win a second time. It was.
It was a one trick pony you had. I didn't
think you'd ever catch up. I took one quick sneeze roozie,
(35:55):
and then you passed me. One slept for a while,
man left for a while. In all fairness, I was
way ahead in the middle of a race. You slept.
I slept next to the finish line because I had
all but one all but isn't winning? And uh, I'm
the only one with an Esop High School gold medal
(36:19):
in racing. Slow and steady, Man, Slow and steady, bullshit,
Slow and steady doesn't always win the race. It won
that race. I went into college. I got some punch, Um,
who are your friends? Well, this is Greg and this
is uh Tony beg Bear and I'm Tony the Tortoise.
(36:46):
M hmm. Wait is that. It's it's not. He's just
a regular. Um. No, oh have you have you talked
about me? Have you talked about me? Dave? No, Tony,
It's just an insignificant part of my life. This is
the one. This is Is he the one that beat
(37:08):
you and then set you into the existential spiral down
spiral and the reason we can't make love. We make
love a lot, we make love a lot, we have
sex a lot. That's a difference. Okay, nice to meet you. Wow,
it's so nice to meet you. It's very nice to
meet you too. Is it too forward? Can I can
(37:31):
I touch your shell? That's rude to say that, you know,
I'm sorry, I'm stupid. Of course you can tell. I mean,
you're the only human here. If they could be neat
for a human hand to touch my shell, that's what
I thought. Baby. Is that okay with you? I mean,
of course, I'm not gonna stop you touching a shell.
(37:54):
But you look familiar by the way. Oh yeah, well,
I'm when I when I was a kid, When I
was a kid, some bits broke into our house and
made a ship ton of porridge. Like maybe she wasn't
a bit, Maybe she was curious. Maybe she was trying
to stand in her own power and find out what
(38:15):
was best for her. Uh, because she took like one
bite of my mom's porridge, one bite of my dad's boards,
and she ate my whole fucking ball. Glorious. That's sounds
a lot like what you do at home. That's that's accurate.
That's absolutely accurate. You leave little pieces of things behind
(38:36):
all the time, like my wet bread on a plate.
I mean, do we need to air this out here? Yes?
I know what I mean. Like we're calling me, I'll
call you out anyway. We're doing we're doing a reunion
of all the superlative winners. So so tortoise. Tortoise was
was most fastest, of course, I was, what is you win, babe?
(39:01):
I didn't win anything. You don't get to be in
the picture. Then he's never gonna be in the picture,
never gonna make love. It's a real shame. You know what,
Why don't we race right now? You want to race? Don't?
Don't you want to race? There? Roger rabbit, let's do this.
(39:22):
Why not? You're a rabbit married to a human. I
can call you whatever I want. That's just coincidence. That's
a coincidence. Yeah, I'll time it. I just I gotta
go to the buffet for a second because because winners
coming up. Okay, okay, um? So where should we just
race around the gymnasium? Around the gymnasium. I want to
(39:46):
get this done so that I can take the picture
as fastest if I prove it. You guys doing a race.
I just heard the Tough Mutter takes place in fifteen
minutes outside. You should run that. I don't know if
I can. Mike Muskrat's right, let's go run a tough
mutter time when we sprint or I'm more of a
(40:08):
long distance runner, slow and steady. A tough mutter is uh,
it's it's like a triathlon. But I think they shoot
at you. How does it work? Yeah, you might get
shocked by something at some point game. I don't know.
I'm yes, I don't know it. Think you should? I
(40:30):
don't should. I'm sure I'll take an as sprint from
my heart and it'll be fine. All right, I will
meet you in fifteen minutes at the start of the
tough Mutter course. He must ground. How close is it? Oh,
it's it's it's like half a mile down the road.
You should probably leave now, targets, I'll get started. Yeah,
(40:53):
um Bear, Yeah, I don't Greg Bear. I don't know
if you'd remember me. Um, I sat behind you in chemistry. Oh,
I'm so sorry. There's no way you saw the board.
It was really tough. It was really tough. You were
(41:13):
so big and so strong. I was a big guy. Yeah,
hid lost a few pounds, but I'm about to gain
it all again. Sure. Yeah, you have to look great though.
You look really really good. Thanks. Yeah. I thought that
you looked good then, because you know, it's like kind
of all that I could look at was the back
(41:36):
of your head. Um. But it's like you still look
so good. It's like you still look so good, you know. Oh. Thanks,
I'm unattached me too, wo Yeah, I'm you know, what's crazy,
(41:56):
I've always um, I don't know if this sounds too
like crazy or honestly naughty, but um, I always thought
that it would be cool to have sex in high school.
I never did. I never did either. Really cool. So
we're here, you know, like we're between getting some punch.
(42:21):
Excuse me, a baron of dog. That's cute. I heard
you from over there. I get excited and I yelped,
I don't punch, give me one second here? Try this?
Not great? Great? Can I try yours? Try my punch? Yes? Please? Sure,
(42:45):
thank you. Oh that's wonderful. Thank you so much. I
will see you two at the starting one. Um. So, anyways, um,
how would it work? How would it work? I don't
I'm not sure. But we can. Well, I wanted to
I wanted to work so bad. But how how we
(43:07):
can break into the principal's office? And well, I'm not
worried about the logistics. I'm just worried more about the science,
science of it. Yeah, definitely that's a worry, but we
can figure it out. Bookworm, I'm sorry, Wyatt, Wyatt, excuse me.
(43:29):
I don't know if you can hear very well. I've
got kind of an intelligence emergency. OK. I have a
heart condition and I've been taking just I think it's
just one aspirin a day. I had a race that
I want to do. If I take like five, they'll
probably be enough to get around. My doctor has been
trying to help me at I'm gonna take that as
(43:54):
a yes. No no no, no, no, no no no.
We've always been in this same page. It doesn't matter
how tiny your mouth is. Tortoise, tortoise. Hi, Hi, are
you walking into the starting line? Yeah? What what is it, Gloria?
I just wanted to walk in here. Just why do
you have so many punch cups? I don't I'm just particular,
(44:17):
you know what I mean. I'm particular, you know, like
I'm I want to make sure I find stuff that's
just right. Oh. Sure, it's important to find what's right.
This this feels like you have a subtext that I
have not caught onto yet, Like third place, no, thank you,
(44:37):
a second place, not into it, but a first place winter.
Oh that's something I could get behind or however that
would work scientifically. Oh, I'm I'm not concerned about the
science of it. I'm just concerned about the logistics. We're
about to start a race. Understood, No, understood. I just
wanted to wish you luck and maybe, um, I don't know,
(44:58):
give you a little kis on the chee for luck. Well,
I mean that sounds good to me, But what about
what about your husband? But Dave and I have been
now now, hold on, a second is going on here? Now? Dave?
I did not I did not condone this you and
(45:19):
I have been rivals, but I always have respected your
space and your personal life. And this feels like a
step too far. Uh huh, I'm sorry. I just saw
that too. What is going on here? You know, what
is going to happen next? Like, how would that really?
How would that work? The race or the I'm not
(45:42):
gonna happen next. I'm gonna win this race, and I'm
gonna win my wife's heart back. That's one option. Another
option is Tortoise wins again and then he and I. Yeah,
what do you guys do? How do you do it?
It doesn't matter because some winning this race. The only
reason I ever lost to the first place because I
(46:05):
was doing so good. I took a break of rooney.
Don't take a break of mooney. Okay, imagine like, how
would a bearing a dog do it? I don't know,
I'm trying to figure that out. I'm what about a muskrat? Mike?
Oh hey, guys, I thought no one wanted to catch
up with me. Oh no, before we start the race,
(46:26):
how would you do it? Like? Do it like a
different species? Yeah, well, first you gotta you gotta compare
sizes of the areas. Okay, so what is quite small,
and the others is quite large. Too too soft, too hard,
(46:46):
just just right, just right? Wait, I'm so not in
the mood. What is that? What is that actual scene
doing here? I think we're getting pumped by MTV, but
this is just right? And what the hell are you
guys doing in my war? And are you letting anybody
(47:09):
into this warehouse? Now? I can't stop him. There's no
there's no luck on the door. And we're not running
a fucking zoo here. For God's sake. I got a dog,
a bear, a tortoise hair, two cats, a muskrat, and
whatever the hell that little thing that can barely talk is,
you know what? Oh God? And in this human over here,
(47:33):
I don't know how this lady got in, but she's
eaten half of the chocolates out of half of the
Advent calendars. All those are chocolates. And that's our show, y'all,
got dick, Let's check out of our opemous before we
say goodbye. Craigski. Oh what a blast? Uh? You know?
(47:56):
Really stops fables. There's there's some good advice in there,
you know, even if most of them are just from
one isolated incident, you can still draw a moral from them.
That's true. Mark Gagliardi, thanks for having me. Happy to
be here. Um, yeah, I'm gonna go and crack open
my my Esop's Fables book. Now mine is illustrated because
(48:17):
I don't yet do chapter books. That's fair. Jackie Gonzalez do, Ruthie, Yes, Hey,
thank you for something the um, thank you for having me.
I love books, I love reading, and I love also
watching movies and talking about them on the most wonderful
(48:38):
part of the year. And I love coming on here
and improvising. So thank you for having me. Of course.
Chris Alvarado, I love those things too. I was very
proud of myself for getting the most wonderful part of
the year thing, you know, I shoved that into it,
to that scene. I'm just so proud of myself. I
(48:58):
feel like the rest of my days gonna go downhill. Well,
I hope it's better than that. James. Let me just
give this gift to the world. I discovered this over
the past couple of years. I wish I knew earlier.
You can get any book you will, pretty much any
book you can imagine through your library. If you're in
the United States, digitally. You use something called the overdrive app.
(49:24):
So if you're looking for books this seasons, you want
to curl up with the book, get a digital device
and download it from your public library. Uh, it's InCred
well known. Really, you guys have downloaded digital books from
your library honestly, almost constantly. I love it. I've only
known about it for about a year and a half
(49:44):
and I read books all the time on there now. Yeah,
Bookworm tell us about it like a while ago. Sounds
like Jackie didn't know about it. Well, I'm I didn't
know about it. I just don't have a a device
to do that with. Well, I use my phone and
it so it goes to my kindle. It back too much.
There you go. I'm at Cold Stratton or at Stratton
(50:06):
Cold Socials s sketch Fest dot Com line up comes
out in November nine festival. This particular podcast Alchemy this
will be there. We're on that later. Don't want announce
the day in case anything swaps around before we announced,
but it's gonna be fun, so come check it out.
Let's thank our producer and engineer, Doug Bame and the
(50:28):
fine folks that I heart media dot com. Please write
to us at Alchemy, this email at gmail dot com.
That's Alchemy until next time.
Welcome back to another episode of al Give this finder
guess sad In for KP. But the nightmare will be over. Stand,
let's meet everybody, Shelly. First off, it's James. E. James.
What's the thing that bothers you the most? If your
apartment is messy, Like, what is it that makes you crazy?
I don't mind clutter of papers or stuff like that,
(00:23):
but if there's dirty dishes, it really like germs that
have to do with food bother me. And one of
my biggest pet peeves is if somebody leaves like wet
bread on a plate and leaves it in the sink
or somebody like kinds like just some racist brand, and
that's in the drain, it should have to make me
(00:43):
lose it. Who's pouring water over bread? I think I
think Martin just I think Mark is writing that down.
By the way, I literally just wrote wet bread on
a plate, just just to put it in the memory bank.
As I'm looking down to see the names of characters,
I just want to read the phrase my plate. But
someone in my house doesn't eat the crust of bread
(01:05):
pretty much. And uh, if it goes in the sink,
it gets well, well, it shouldn't be too. I've got
some clues. Let me know how to prank James. Just
go to his house and leaves from what bread on
a plate. Believe it be fun. Next up is Jackie
(01:28):
Gonzalez to Ruthie. Jackie, what's something you used to eat
as a kid but not so much anymore? Oh, I'm
I'm a pretty habitual eater, and um I do stay
really like I still eat like the same breakfast cereals
and things like that. But my mom did tell me
before my memory, so I was really really little that
(01:49):
I used to just eat straight up margarine out the tub.
I don't do that anymore. I mean it's still pretty great.
Just get a shot again, just spoon falls. But if
it was peanut butter, well that sounds good. Just have
that with some wet bread and your set. Next up
is Chris Alvarado. Chris, if you could form a dance
(02:12):
crew today, who would you put on it? Maybe? Okay,
here we go, actually this crew right here? Yeah, look
at this, Look at this, Look at all of this
right here. I mean, Jackie's our star. You know, James
is gonna bring the wild marks probably actually very good.
(02:33):
But uh so, I bet you are too cool. I
bet you're an actually good dancer. But then I feel
like Craig is our sleeper hit. He's our classically trained
dancing because what happens, it's like I battle somebody, I
win or lose. Mark battles the other person in the crew,
and you go head to head like battling, and then
when they bring their big guns, we bring ours, and
fucking Kakowski just gets down some floorworks and breakdancing floorworks, windmills.
(02:57):
It's pretty accurate, but I'm more Martha Gray, but this
is my crew. Cool Chris. I saw the picture she
just posted on Instagram of your amazing like outfits from
the nineties. It must have been the late nineties, and
it was like a breakdancing What was the born to
Break had? Oh, it's just breakers. I was part of
(03:21):
a just real quick. I was part of a dance
crew called play School. That's the so Cal chapter of
play School. Play School was a national breakdancing crew. I
had a battle my way in. I had a battle
guy named Gilligan. I had a battle album and I
got in and um. Then I would go to parties
near Downey, south Gate, Lynwood, Norwalk. Belle Compton and Battle
(03:41):
of the Breakdancing Crewise. My name was bounced because I
used to bounce my body. That was my thing. So yeah,
and then I had a big play School decout put
on my Honda CRX on the hood, so everywhere I
went people knew I was from play School. Represent I
got past Professor and Maryanne It. Next up, it's Craig Kakowski. Everybody, Craig.
(04:09):
Is there a movie with like a killer's direct a
killer director's commentary track that you've listened to on DVD
that you just love? Yeah, the best one is for
Steven Soderbergh's The Limey because the writer, uh, first of all,
it's pretty good movie. Start with Terence Stamp is the
titular lime Uh. The writer in Soderberg did not get
(04:33):
along at all, and he made a movie completely different
than the guy's script. And then they agreed to sit
down together and do the commentary, and the entire thing
is them fucking sniping at each other and passive commenting
on how much they hated the other guy's work. Well,
I have that on DVD, so I should pop that
(04:54):
at some point. So awesome, guys. Mark Aagliardi is here look, guys,
Mark Gagliardi, if you had to pick a favorite SNL
cast member from his fifty year plus run, who is it?
What do you love from his fifty year plus run?
I'm gonna go back to the early years and I'm
(05:14):
going to say the O g uh from that O
G cast. Ah. See, now I go like, okay, well
I have one, but then I have but then I
have three but oh no, no no. But also this person,
I'm gonna you know what, I'm gonna stop it too.
I'm gonna go workhorse Dan Ackroyd and the funniest part
of the show, Gilda Radner. That's that's gonna be my
workhorse and and uh and hilarity duo right there. And
(05:38):
I think between the two of them they created comedy
Voltron for those first five years. Oh good choices. I
really thought you're gonna go with Brad Hall. But you know,
like those are good, those are solid. Brad Hall doesn't
mean David Byrne A very mean David Cool. What's yours?
I'm really curious about this. Who's Who's your number one?
Phil Hartman? Probably I just thought he was like he
(06:00):
could do everything. Um, and of course the lovel Lorraine
because she's the sweetest person in the world. Um, but yeah,
probably Phil Hartman. Let's do a show, shall we? Let's
do it. All of our c suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails,
or from our Patreon v I p s. To become
a Patreon supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content
and other perks, just head on over to Patreon dot
(06:21):
com slash alchemy this. If you'd like to submit a
scene suggestion via email, please write to the podcast at
our email address, alchemy this email at gmail dot com.
That's jamail dot com. See one is from listeners Sydney McKenna,
who wrote, Hey everyone, you're also funny to become my
(06:42):
own and only podcast. I'm such a fanatical fan that
I rave about the podcast, but no one else seems
to share my interest. Oh well, here is another suggestion.
It came to me about while walking my dogs. Suggestion
cat poo advent calendar. Sorry and thank you Sydney from Canada.
Oh my gosh, so like gossh it's finally Christmas season.
(07:09):
Christmas bib bib baby. I know I'm using interrut. I
know I'm using interrut. Most of the year. But this
is when I come alive. This is when I feel good,
you know. And I'm sorry I'm a pain in the ass,
but but but I'm here, I'm awake, I feel refreshed. Okay,
(07:30):
I'm gonna get some coffee. Yes, okay, when you go
get us some coffee, keep your eyes peeled, because there's
something very special in don't. I don't, Tom, what is it? Well?
I was packing up the skins of the of the
Advent calenders and uh, I don't. I don't know which
(07:53):
one it is, but one of them doesn't have chocolate inside.
Wait a minute, you telling me, you're telling me that
somebody came through an ate all the chocolate out of
one of the Advent calendars before before I'm just gonna
be honest. I ate all of it. I eat all
the chocolate. But here's the thing I didn't do. What
happened next? Wait? Wait, hang on a second. You came
(08:16):
here a confessor crime. No, I didn't mean. I didn't
want to confess. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. Mr Mustapholes.
Here is just seems anty about something. I don't know
why it seems so anty. Well, here's the problem. On
the security camera footage, I caught Mr Mustapes he pooped
(08:36):
inside of each one of the Edvent calendar boxes. Hold
on a second, it was gonna happen. And you're telling
me that you ate all the chocolate out of one
of the calendars. And then my sainted cat Mr Mustapholz,
who has been here in this Christmas warehouse longer than
(08:59):
you have been a live that he went through and
out of what spike some sort of practical joke. I
put sand in it because I thought we would just
send it out and there'd be some sand in there.
And I think he thought the sand with little plenty
kiddie boxes. What the funk is this? It's a it's
(09:23):
an Advent calendar. So you open up. Oh god, you're
getting back to your pre Christmas well you know what attitude?
You know what? Of course? Actually no, no, this makes sense.
You know. I bought peppermint creamer for our coffee baby,
peppermint creamer. Thank you. I love that, Thank you? And
(09:45):
then what did you do? I got an Advent calendar
and it has little pieces of chocolate so you can
have a sweet treat every day, but they're wrapped up
in different things, you know, Like one of them is
going to be the shape of a candcane, run is
gonna be the ship of the tree. One of those
of the stalking well, I had the one that was
in the shape of an ornament. Mmmm, lucky, lucky guy.
(10:10):
That means I get tomorrows it? So so tom Here
here's the here's the problem is this had better be good.
There's only one bad chocolate. There's only one bad Advent
calendar and a whole skin of a hundred other ones. Yeah, well,
please tell me that you took that advent calendar and
(10:33):
threw it away. No, it got shipped. We got shipped.
That ship I got shipped. But it's just one. Probably
most people don't even eat the Advent calendar most Awfully's
we heard that you're ship calendar cat, so clever? Yes,
(10:54):
I did rum tum tuggeropolis. Is it true that you
not only ship you also then rewrapped the ships in
the appropriate packaging? Look, if you're a cat pulling a prank,
you've got to do it right. And first of all,
to come up with twenty five ships and at such
(11:17):
a limited time frame and be able to shape those
ships into the formfitting shapes of the of the Avan calendar.
It was a challenge. Believes you don't have a problem
with Christmas? Do you Christmas? Why? It's my favorite holiday? Well,
it just seems like a, you know, not a very
(11:39):
Christmas thing to do. Well, I thought it was brilliant
and I want to get on it too. I'm gonna
start pooping in shapes and put them in a van
calendars myself. We can make a whole business out of this. Mystopolies, Well,
come to the Avan counter warehouse that I work at.
Shell You know what, why don't we just skipped to today,
(12:02):
I mean skipped it tomorrow. Why don't you open the
next one and until tomorrow? That's not how it works.
I love that you want to share, and I can't
wait to have mine tomorrow. Did you know how how
do I put this? I don't know how. I know
because I've never eaten. It's not you know what. I'm
(12:29):
going for a walk, please, babe. I took the whole
month off of work so that we could celebrate every
day until Christmas, and today's our gingerbread house making day.
I know I'm gonna be with you. I took the
whole month off of work. Damn it ed yesterday? Yesterday
(12:52):
it was the advent calendar. What what the hell am
I hearing about a gingerbread house days off? At least
you are such a good cat. You are such a
You are such a good little cat, never causing any
trouble like Ed does. I don't know anything about Okay,
I'll tell the truth. I eat a gingerbread house, but
(13:14):
I didn't do anything else. What happened? You ate one
of the gingerbread house, just one. It wasn't builter anything.
It was just the pieces that you would build. I'm hungry.
We seldom, as kids, a lot of them are built.
So you're telling me, look, at least tell me that
you took the empty box and threw it away. No,
I think it will we do? Is we just put
(13:35):
the box back in and somebody would have no gingerbread house.
They bring it back to the story, get the money back,
not a big oh for God's sake. So in the
past two days you've shipped an empty gingerbread house box?
What what is it? Missed? The must off? At least?
What what is it? Rum tum tugger? You know, I
sometimes get the feeling that hest two were talking to
(13:55):
each other. Tom oh oh damn Tom. Look this video.
Look at this video, the security footage. Some kids. Okay, okay, okay,
it's gingerbread Day. I love gingerbread Day. I love I
guess maybe I don't know something's wrong with my I
(14:16):
don't you know what? Shake it off, it, shake it off,
and let's put on our favorite podcast, the most wonderful
part of the years. Okay, I'll put that on, and
let's get to this gingerbread house. What do you say?
I say, I love you a gingerbread mansion, and I'll
(14:42):
make a gingerbread shack and we'll pretend that you know,
you know, like you're rich and I'm poor. It's pretty
break Yeah. Okay, well I'm gonna open mind up. Now.
Why don't we make something together? Okay, like a moderately
sized home, yes, humble home, humble home, okay, two bedrooms
(15:08):
and bath, nothing too fancy, but also really impeccably decorated.
Would you look at this? Look it's look at it.
Get closer, but stand you're always rubbing my nose into
(15:28):
myne mistakes. I get it. This looks like ship. But
you know it's our jobs to make it look right,
and to make it look like a beautiful house. M'ami
ship in this bad Hold on a second, I want
to rewind to watch that part again. I can't believe
(15:49):
he's doing this. Rewind that video, will you just in
the beginning of that song? Play it again? And I
think this is the beginning, ma'amies ashtion in every box here? Okay?
Hip pause? Plus what why rum Tum Tugger is shipping it?
(16:12):
Mr Mustapholis is just watching the whole you know what? Rewind?
Rewind pass, rewind back to the beginning of this whole thing.
I want to see how this this started. All right, No, babe, babe,
I don't want to take it out on you anymore.
I don't want to, but I have an idea, hear
me out. I looked at the back of the box
of the Advent Calendar, and I looked at the back
(16:34):
of the box of the Gingerbread House, same distribution company
right here in China. Okay, let's go there, Okay, okay,
I just get up. I just feel like i've I've
(16:55):
messed up. And I know that no, you didn't miss up.
You didn't miss up. If it's early, it's still early
on in the season, and we can redo this and
we can make it right. So let's let's go make
it right. I I do recognize that it doesn't just
look like shit. It is, in fact ship. It's just
we also love Chino, and we love Chino. I love Chino, California.
(17:22):
I freaking love Chino. They have a jail there, I know,
and I coffee and coffee. No, Hi, Pau mustafils Hi, Paul,
our work is brilliant. They're gonna sing these songs and
change our own personal songs to reflect our recent activity.
(17:43):
Oh well, I never was there ever a count so
clever as magical. Mr Mustaff. That really isn't Thank you
for turning me on to this. This has been the
best day of my nine lives. You're welcome, rum tub
Tugger changing Changing Christmas is a factory. We don't people
(18:06):
just coming. Look, it's a little Jellico cat, Sweet Sweet
who owns this place? Tom? Tom Cat seems to have
heard it's funny. He's like I swear he speaks English. Okay,
where's Tom now? Tom doesn't usually take unexpected visitors. Who
(18:33):
is it though? But who? We don't know that? What
are you doing in here? How did you get in here?
I don't normally take unexpected visitors? How did you get past?
I just pushed past him. Don't look at that doodle?
Is this your Is this your advent calendar? Wait? Wait, no, no, no,
flip the advent calendar over. I want to see the doodle?
(18:54):
Did you doodle on the Advent calendar? For God's sake? Kid,
you don't know the day I've had. You don't know
the week I've had. You don't know the month I've had.
Christmas is the worst fucking time of year. Everything about what?
Don't say that what's gonna happen? If I say that
Christmas is the worst time of year, that something bad's
(19:18):
gonna happen. You know what. I don't have time for this.
I got, I got, I got, I got, I got.
Their heads shipping in the boxes, and the cats are
shipping in the boxes and edd shipping them off. People
are doodling all over hard make people are doodling all over.
Hold what your cat is just trying to enjoy? Its communicating.
(19:39):
It's communicating unic Wait what you talk? He can't talk.
It's the most magical time of the year. Maybe it
can Tom I'm sorry, but there's some people that pay
a lot of money for coffee beans that cats crep out.
(20:00):
Maybe this is just a delicacy, these chuckling cat craps.
So you're telling me, Tom Thomas Thomas Stearns Elliott that
after after losing this uh this warehouse, yeah Christmas items,
(20:22):
after losing that business, you wrote a series of poems.
Here's the thing. I didn't even write the poems. All
the neighborhood cats came over. Miss the Mustapholis and rump
Tom Tugger were at the place. But I'm talking all
of the jellical cats were there. Okay, that's that's fucking crazy.
They're good poems, like you don't have to make up
a bullshit It's not a bullshit story. I said, Christmas
(20:45):
is the worst fucking time of year. And then the
cats all started talking to me simultaneously. Look, Elliott, I'm
publishing your poems, okay, with the funk out of my office.
Oh okay, Well that this went better than I thought
it would. C Two from patri v I P Crispy Ai,
(21:07):
who wrote still Madly in Love with you All. My
scene suggestion is MTV presents you just got deeked. Oh
um uh, Deek, if you'd step into my office and
take a seat in that leather well, it doesn't matter
what kind of chair it is, but be careful because
it is a leather chair. Deek, if you wouldn't mind
(21:32):
just stepping on over there, you just got deep. I
just told you that's a leather chair. Hey man, you can't.
You can put Deak in a chair, but you can't
take Deec out a deek. What the You're going to
be suspended? What You're gonna be suspended from school? Maybe
(21:56):
that'll d You can suspend Deep from Hell, yeah, I can't.
I was a principal of this school. You can take
Deec out of the school, but you can't take Deec
out of dec I'm gonna prove you wrong, sir. You're
gonna see Deek have a seat in any chair you'd like. Now,
as you know, I'm the superintendent of the school district.
(22:17):
As you also know, we have c C cameras, and
as you probably also also know, I watch every minute
of the footage of every camera we have. That's a
lot of footage. Yeah. Now, what you might not know
is I've got a son. I didn't know. And what
(22:38):
you also might not know is my son has an
internship at the Music Television Network. And what you also
might not know based on the information I've told you
right now, is that he's in a position to climb
the ladder. WHOA, this is a lot to digest. But
what I'm telling you is I passed him your footage
of you, deacon out. That's what I've been calling doubt.
(23:01):
Are you serious right now? You're asking me for a favor?
Please just do me this one favor. You've been so
absent my whole fucking life so I could buy you stuff.
I owe you nothing, nothing. Just take a look at it.
I'll never ask you for another thing ever again. I
try to hang out with you. You're watching CCTV. I
try to hang out with you. You're watching more footage
(23:23):
from your own personal security cameras set up in your school.
You're a sick man who loves watching kids in a
teenage do absolutely nothing. Let's get real, nothing is ever
happening in your school. It's boring. You're boring, all right. Well,
I'm so I just took that out like no, I'm
(23:45):
glad everything just came out at me of me at once. Wow,
this does a complicated relationships, superintend. Yeah, that's pretty rough,
but we learned a lot about each other afternoon that
I just told you about. And let's short of it
is he wants to take you to the network. What.
(24:09):
Oh my gosh, that's what I've dreamed of. Well, your
dreams come true, thanks, superintend. I'm going to prove your
confidence well placed. There's a black uber outside waiting for you.
All right, executives, what I want now is fresh pitches
because we have three time slots that are open for
(24:32):
fresh shows. And they can be reality or they can
be scripted, but I am going to request that they
do have to do with the father son relationship. What
if we uh, what if we uh reunite the Buggles? Oh?
I like I like the Buggles. That was my idea.
The first video was the video Killed the Radio Star
(24:55):
by the Buggles because we were we were twenty four
seven music music videos? Remember that? Yeah? Why don't we
go back to be in music videos? I ken't bringing
this up. Why don't we do it? Um? I don't
remember that. I wasn't born yet, but uh, you know,
(25:17):
you guys are here, you're tenured. Yeah, we can't be fired.
That's right, MTV can't fire us. More pitch, you know,
I'll take it as one pitch, and it's not guaranteed
to be in one of the three times, but I'm
gonna I'm gonna take that pitch and I'm but we
need to get a pitch in a time slot, right,
So we get to pitch and then we decide whether
(25:38):
it's going to go into into a time soon. And again,
I'm really into the father's son dynamic thing right now.
That's what I had a threesome with Martha Quinn and J. J. Jackson. Wow,
well that's not father son, but I would like to
hear about that. So let me get this straight. Deek,
when I drop you off in front of this studio,
you're gonna go in there and pitch yourself unannounced. That's
(25:58):
so crazy. Yeah, I know, right, but it's on BRANFORDY.
Can I put something on your way out of my car? Yes? Sure, dude.
What if you ended every gag by saying suck my deek, Sue,
that's a fresh stake. I'll do it all right, seeing
good luck. So, back when I used to do the MTV,
(26:22):
we had these VJs yeah, they'd report news. What if
there was a father's son news team for music news? Yeah,
oh that sounds good. We could have music videos all
delivered by fathers and sons. Kurt Odor and his dad. Yeah,
(26:42):
Kennedy and John f I don't think they're actually related.
Get out? Really? Wait, I need to have a dad
on my show. Okay, you mean you don't. Again, we're
hearing pitches and we're not guaranteeing you a show at all. Well, my,
are you telling you what's gonna you know, go? Well
(27:02):
in this in this boardroom right now? How did he
even get in here? This young man just stormed in
from an uber black Look, man, I guess who just skills? Also,
my dad is Matt Penfield. I'm deep pild Wait what
you guys gotta put me on your network? Suck my deek? Good,
(27:27):
that's not a bad phrase. Interesting? What if, um, any
time someone says a number, for example, someone says at
the Deli number sixty one, And anytime someone says a number,
you say deeks in your mouth? What about that? I mean,
I think that's Bob Dylan's thing, but I'll try it.
(27:48):
Is that Bob Dylan's thing? I'm so young. I know
who he is, like, I know that that name exists,
but I don't know anything about him any number though.
That does seem like because people say the word to
a lot, like people saying umbers a lot. That's two
deeks in your mouth. But what if they're using t
O O or t oh I'm going to die in
(28:11):
your mouth? No, I was t O was the use
I was making there. I had to clarify bell you
the shot. This guy's wanted to do everything. I like him.
I don't even know what Deacon is. Yeah, I wasn't
gonna say it, but I'm not sure what a deak is.
Does it matter? I say it with confidence, but I
(28:34):
blame Cribs for this. Don't blame Cribs. Don't get down
hill since Cribs, Cribs was was was, Cribs was right odd.
We got to see the inside of their houses. Son Um,
thank you for coming to my super intendant's office. I
(28:56):
just want to say, I'm really proud of you. I'm
really proud of you. Wow, I am. I didn't think
that it would matter to hear that from you, because
in my mind, you're kind of already debt. But it
hit it hit. It hit hard and strong. Thank you.
It's been six years since I've been at this job,
(29:22):
and three of those years then they were formative for me. Yeah.
I was kind of hoping Deek would have been here
to say something about the numbers. I just said, but
I guess we're not shooting, we're not filming now, we're
not feeling. Can I just say I actually really enjoyed
Deek and I was hesitant to do anything that you
(29:44):
brought to the table just because I resent you. But
he he is a flavor that we need in the
palette of MTV. Right now, He's hit and I knew it.
I knew it because I watched hours and hours of
teenagers walking through the halls, you know, doing stuff. Hey,
it's your point deep, I'm here on Deep. My ride
(30:04):
with the Buggles, Hey, Buggles has to going. We're not
sure what's happening here. Well, you know, you guys had
the first video on whatever this thing is that I'm on, Right, Yeah,
that's what I thought was about four years ago around
what did he say? You said a number? Right? Yes?
(30:31):
I said, all right, this is some sort of prank.
It was just like, is this like one of those
prank shows on MTV. Isn't that a frank show. It's
a straight up show where I pimp out some rides
and and talked to celebrities from film and television, Like you,
guys the Buggles. Haven't they already done that like fifteen times?
(30:59):
I'm love. Welcome to the MTV Music Video Awards. Everybody
beg so, okay, we're only giving one award away. We're
only giving a single award away tonight, and it's just
for the best of MTV. We got rid of all
(31:21):
the other categories. This is it best of the categories?
And the nominees are you got deeked with de um?
Help me out here, I need my reading. Sorry, guys,
this guy is so having so much fun. Mr. Yeah,
(31:47):
he used to do. Can we just turn this off?
We don't have to sit here and watch this ship,
do we? Oh? I guess we're sitting in the audience,
aren't we. Well, we're hearing this balcony. Yeah, but we
are kind of like we got the power to turn
this shift up, don't we? Bro bring back Carson Daily
(32:14):
well and everybody, I'm so excited. I wanted this to
be so much to be thank you to superintendent who
took a chance on a deek with a dream. Deeps
in your mouth, sir, deeps in your mouth. I'd like
to thank my producers at MTV Statler Waldorf, Waldorf, to
you guys right here someways right, Hey, guys, what's up?
(32:34):
When it was music videos? And Uh, to my dad
Matt Penfield, thanks for instilling a love Pixies in me
that I forgot about when I got my stick. And uh,
to all the dreamers out there, to all the kids
who have a dream, who have a catch phrase, deep
come into my office. Uh, do you have a problem
(32:56):
with me? I don't prom with you because I brought
you into Music Television Network and I got you all
of these shows, and yet you win the MTV Award,
the only one. You don't think me. You thinked a
lot of people, Deek, but you didn't think me. I
(33:19):
just got caught up in the moment. I didn't have
my reading glasses so I couldn't read the lists, so
I kind of started. I didn't mean any disrespect. I
humbly apologize. Dee in your mouth. You apologize with the
deak in my mouth? Just my thing. I don't even
know how to talk anymore. I don't know if I
(33:40):
can have you on this show. Man. You're deteriorating in
a big way. Your personality is getting really funky. You're
not remembering really important people, and that verbal issue is
just that. Did I just get deeked? I I don't know, man,
because I feel like you've taken the word and you've
(34:02):
you've really expanded. Do do do MTV news? This just
in everybody. Deek has been officially deeked out of his mind.
That means son he has I'm sorry interrupt you go ahead,
this is great. Uh yeah, that's all. That was that
(34:24):
now to you, dad, And that's our second. C three
is from listening Ratio Bourbon would be good though, who
wrote love the podcast scene suggestion the Tortoise and the
hair at their high school reunion. Thanks God, bless you
(34:46):
funny people. I'm sorry I don't recognize you. You look
so much different now, alright, can you can you open
your jacket so I can see your name tag? You're
supposed to put your jacket on the outside of your
name tag. I feel like this is a power move
on your part, but here, no, that's not a power move.
(35:10):
Just because you were rivals. Oh is that you, Dave Hair?
It has been you. I thought it might have been.
But sorry, I'm a little slow. I mean, not that slow. No,
(35:32):
I didn't expect that tortoise and hair would be talking
to each other. Oh, Man, you remember that race senior year. Oh,
we can recount it if you'd like Grizzly Bear. You
know you would never win a second time. It was.
It was a one trick pony you had. I didn't
think you'd ever catch up. I took one quick sneeze roozie,
(35:55):
and then you passed me. One slept for a while,
man left for a while. In all fairness, I was
way ahead in the middle of a race. You slept.
I slept next to the finish line because I had
all but one all but isn't winning? And uh, I'm
the only one with an Esop High School gold medal
(36:19):
in racing. Slow and steady, Man, Slow and steady, bullshit,
Slow and steady doesn't always win the race. It won
that race. I went into college. I got some punch, Um,
who are your friends? Well, this is Greg and this
is uh Tony beg Bear and I'm Tony the Tortoise.
(36:46):
M hmm. Wait is that. It's it's not. He's just
a regular. Um. No, oh have you have you talked
about me? Have you talked about me? Dave? No, Tony,
It's just an insignificant part of my life. This is
the one. This is Is he the one that beat
(37:08):
you and then set you into the existential spiral down
spiral and the reason we can't make love. We make
love a lot, we make love a lot, we have
sex a lot. That's a difference. Okay, nice to meet you. Wow,
it's so nice to meet you. It's very nice to
meet you too. Is it too forward? Can I can
(37:31):
I touch your shell? That's rude to say that, you know,
I'm sorry, I'm stupid. Of course you can tell. I mean,
you're the only human here. If they could be neat
for a human hand to touch my shell, that's what
I thought. Baby. Is that okay with you? I mean,
of course, I'm not gonna stop you touching a shell.
(37:54):
But you look familiar by the way. Oh yeah, well,
I'm when I when I was a kid, When I
was a kid, some bits broke into our house and
made a ship ton of porridge. Like maybe she wasn't
a bit, Maybe she was curious. Maybe she was trying
to stand in her own power and find out what
(38:15):
was best for her. Uh, because she took like one
bite of my mom's porridge, one bite of my dad's boards,
and she ate my whole fucking ball. Glorious. That's sounds
a lot like what you do at home. That's that's accurate.
That's absolutely accurate. You leave little pieces of things behind
(38:36):
all the time, like my wet bread on a plate.
I mean, do we need to air this out here? Yes?
I know what I mean. Like we're calling me, I'll
call you out anyway. We're doing we're doing a reunion
of all the superlative winners. So so tortoise. Tortoise was
was most fastest, of course, I was, what is you win, babe?
(39:01):
I didn't win anything. You don't get to be in
the picture. Then he's never gonna be in the picture,
never gonna make love. It's a real shame. You know what,
Why don't we race right now? You want to race? Don't?
Don't you want to race? There? Roger rabbit, let's do this.
(39:22):
Why not? You're a rabbit married to a human. I
can call you whatever I want. That's just coincidence. That's
a coincidence. Yeah, I'll time it. I just I gotta
go to the buffet for a second because because winners
coming up. Okay, okay, um? So where should we just
race around the gymnasium? Around the gymnasium. I want to
(39:46):
get this done so that I can take the picture
as fastest if I prove it. You guys doing a race.
I just heard the Tough Mutter takes place in fifteen
minutes outside. You should run that. I don't know if
I can. Mike Muskrat's right, let's go run a tough
mutter time when we sprint or I'm more of a
(40:08):
long distance runner, slow and steady. A tough mutter is uh,
it's it's like a triathlon. But I think they shoot
at you. How does it work? Yeah, you might get
shocked by something at some point game. I don't know.
I'm yes, I don't know it. Think you should? I
(40:30):
don't should. I'm sure I'll take an as sprint from
my heart and it'll be fine. All right, I will
meet you in fifteen minutes at the start of the
tough Mutter course. He must ground. How close is it? Oh,
it's it's it's like half a mile down the road.
You should probably leave now, targets, I'll get started. Yeah,
(40:53):
um Bear, Yeah, I don't Greg Bear. I don't know
if you'd remember me. Um, I sat behind you in chemistry. Oh,
I'm so sorry. There's no way you saw the board.
It was really tough. It was really tough. You were
(41:13):
so big and so strong. I was a big guy. Yeah,
hid lost a few pounds, but I'm about to gain
it all again. Sure. Yeah, you have to look great though.
You look really really good. Thanks. Yeah. I thought that
you looked good then, because you know, it's like kind
of all that I could look at was the back
(41:36):
of your head. Um. But it's like you still look
so good. It's like you still look so good, you know. Oh. Thanks,
I'm unattached me too, wo Yeah, I'm you know, what's crazy,
(41:56):
I've always um, I don't know if this sounds too
like crazy or honestly naughty, but um, I always thought
that it would be cool to have sex in high school.
I never did. I never did either. Really cool. So
we're here, you know, like we're between getting some punch.
(42:21):
Excuse me, a baron of dog. That's cute. I heard
you from over there. I get excited and I yelped,
I don't punch, give me one second here? Try this?
Not great? Great? Can I try yours? Try my punch? Yes? Please? Sure,
(42:45):
thank you. Oh that's wonderful. Thank you so much. I
will see you two at the starting one. Um. So, anyways, um,
how would it work? How would it work? I don't
I'm not sure. But we can. Well, I wanted to
I wanted to work so bad. But how how we
(43:07):
can break into the principal's office? And well, I'm not
worried about the logistics. I'm just worried more about the science,
science of it. Yeah, definitely that's a worry, but we
can figure it out. Bookworm, I'm sorry, Wyatt, Wyatt, excuse me.
(43:29):
I don't know if you can hear very well. I've
got kind of an intelligence emergency. OK. I have a
heart condition and I've been taking just I think it's
just one aspirin a day. I had a race that
I want to do. If I take like five, they'll
probably be enough to get around. My doctor has been
trying to help me at I'm gonna take that as
(43:54):
a yes. No no no, no, no, no no no.
We've always been in this same page. It doesn't matter
how tiny your mouth is. Tortoise, tortoise. Hi, Hi, are
you walking into the starting line? Yeah? What what is it, Gloria?
I just wanted to walk in here. Just why do
you have so many punch cups? I don't I'm just particular,
(44:17):
you know what I mean. I'm particular, you know, like
I'm I want to make sure I find stuff that's
just right. Oh. Sure, it's important to find what's right.
This this feels like you have a subtext that I
have not caught onto yet, Like third place, no, thank you,
(44:37):
a second place, not into it, but a first place winter.
Oh that's something I could get behind or however that
would work scientifically. Oh, I'm I'm not concerned about the
science of it. I'm just concerned about the logistics. We're
about to start a race. Understood, No, understood. I just
wanted to wish you luck and maybe, um, I don't know,
(44:58):
give you a little kis on the chee for luck. Well,
I mean that sounds good to me, But what about
what about your husband? But Dave and I have been
now now, hold on, a second is going on here? Now? Dave?
I did not I did not condone this you and
(45:19):
I have been rivals, but I always have respected your
space and your personal life. And this feels like a
step too far. Uh huh, I'm sorry. I just saw
that too. What is going on here? You know, what
is going to happen next? Like, how would that really?
How would that work? The race or the I'm not
(45:42):
gonna happen next. I'm gonna win this race, and I'm
gonna win my wife's heart back. That's one option. Another
option is Tortoise wins again and then he and I. Yeah,
what do you guys do? How do you do it?
It doesn't matter because some winning this race. The only
reason I ever lost to the first place because I
(46:05):
was doing so good. I took a break of rooney.
Don't take a break of mooney. Okay, imagine like, how
would a bearing a dog do it? I don't know,
I'm trying to figure that out. I'm what about a muskrat? Mike?
Oh hey, guys, I thought no one wanted to catch
up with me. Oh no, before we start the race,
(46:26):
how would you do it? Like? Do it like a
different species? Yeah, well, first you gotta you gotta compare
sizes of the areas. Okay, so what is quite small,
and the others is quite large. Too too soft, too hard,
(46:46):
just just right, just right? Wait, I'm so not in
the mood. What is that? What is that actual scene
doing here? I think we're getting pumped by MTV, but
this is just right? And what the hell are you
guys doing in my war? And are you letting anybody
(47:09):
into this warehouse? Now? I can't stop him. There's no
there's no luck on the door. And we're not running
a fucking zoo here. For God's sake. I got a dog,
a bear, a tortoise hair, two cats, a muskrat, and
whatever the hell that little thing that can barely talk is,
you know what? Oh God? And in this human over here,
(47:33):
I don't know how this lady got in, but she's
eaten half of the chocolates out of half of the
Advent calendars. All those are chocolates. And that's our show, y'all,
got dick, Let's check out of our opemous before we
say goodbye. Craigski. Oh what a blast? Uh? You know?
(47:56):
Really stops fables. There's there's some good advice in there,
you know, even if most of them are just from
one isolated incident, you can still draw a moral from them.
That's true. Mark Gagliardi, thanks for having me. Happy to
be here. Um, yeah, I'm gonna go and crack open
my my Esop's Fables book. Now mine is illustrated because
(48:17):
I don't yet do chapter books. That's fair. Jackie Gonzalez do, Ruthie, Yes, Hey,
thank you for something the um, thank you for having me.
I love books, I love reading, and I love also
watching movies and talking about them on the most wonderful
(48:38):
part of the year. And I love coming on here
and improvising. So thank you for having me. Of course.
Chris Alvarado, I love those things too. I was very
proud of myself for getting the most wonderful part of
the year thing, you know, I shoved that into it,
to that scene. I'm just so proud of myself. I
(48:58):
feel like the rest of my days gonna go downhill. Well,
I hope it's better than that. James. Let me just
give this gift to the world. I discovered this over
the past couple of years. I wish I knew earlier.
You can get any book you will, pretty much any
book you can imagine through your library. If you're in
the United States, digitally. You use something called the overdrive app.
(49:24):
So if you're looking for books this seasons, you want
to curl up with the book, get a digital device
and download it from your public library. Uh, it's InCred
well known. Really, you guys have downloaded digital books from
your library honestly, almost constantly. I love it. I've only
known about it for about a year and a half
(49:44):
and I read books all the time on there now. Yeah,
Bookworm tell us about it like a while ago. Sounds
like Jackie didn't know about it. Well, I'm I didn't
know about it. I just don't have a a device
to do that with. Well, I use my phone and
it so it goes to my kindle. It back too much.
There you go. I'm at Cold Stratton or at Stratton
(50:06):
Cold Socials s sketch Fest dot Com line up comes
out in November nine festival. This particular podcast Alchemy this
will be there. We're on that later. Don't want announce
the day in case anything swaps around before we announced,
but it's gonna be fun, so come check it out.
Let's thank our producer and engineer, Doug Bame and the
(50:28):
fine folks that I heart media dot com. Please write
to us at Alchemy, this email at gmail dot com.
That's Alchemy until next time.
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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