December 26, 2019 • 51 mins
Chernobyl Guided Tour; Goblins Attack DND Players; Those Who Don’t Answer Phone Calls Are Prosecuted.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This once again,
it's Cold Stratton filling in for Kevin Pollock, who was
exact producing the antiques road show spinoff, The Marvelous miss
Is Appraisal. That's a good one. I don't know where
that was going. It's the day after Chris. Yes, look
all these new clothes you're all wearing. I'm pretty proud
(00:25):
of this wonderful bunny suit I was gifted. You look
adorable things. I'm in a brand new blouse. Yeah, that
looks good on you. Yeah. Hey, you got your dreads back? Yeah,
well these are actually I can take them off their
extension dreads. Yeah. Key got his dreads back, and Chris
is wearing nothing once again. Yeah, well I just figured
(00:48):
nothing's better. You don't have anything on underneath the table either. No,
I came in afterwards. Yeah. Well, when I stand up
later and I give you hug goodbye, I'm probably gonna
have a hard pass on that. Okay, I'll have a
hard pass to Hey. Al right, well let's meet everybody,
shall we. I had no particular order. He's making a
killing on the internal Oregon black Market. James Heeney, James,
(01:10):
what's your biggest seller this season. This season will specifically
Christmas his hearts. It makes sense, that makes sense. I
mean it comes around a couple of times a year,
but yeah, Valentine's Day, Christmas, that's it. The hearts otherwise
are pretty out of human hearts. The gift that keeps
(01:31):
on giving blood. Uh, let's say hello to the laser
tag Midwest Regional champion Chris Alvarado. What's your key to
dominating tag? Um? I I carry baby powder in my
in my coat pocket, and I throw the baby powder
in the people's eyes and then they run around the
(01:53):
dark room blinded and zap zap, and it's a good
way to do it. I never I never zopp and
I never zip though. Just no, okay, alright, that's fun. Finally,
he's been understudy for every single role in Hamilton's, including
Peggy Craigowski. Craig, what song you wish you could tackle
(02:13):
from that show? I'd love to be all three Skylar sisters.
I think that would be pretty fun. Yeah. I don't
think I can wrap as fast as the slowest rapping
member of that cast. God, but that's actually a great show.
One night at the Hudson Theater comediential stage that's very
specific to l A. But Craig Atkowski doing all three
(02:35):
parts of Hamilton's Sisters and leaving blank space for everybody
else's roles. Craigecowsky does all three skys live on stage.
That there's a different show that I thought it was.
It's a really, really weird crowd. We'd like to invite
you to become VP members of our new Patreon page.
(02:58):
Bonus episodes not available to non member It's a phone
number just for v i p s where you can
leave a message being a question and request whatever. We'll
reply at a regular video Q and A is at
Kevin's Place, which you're only available to v i p s.
There's all kinds of cool ship, so please join our
supercore fans by going to patreon dot com slash alchemy this.
That's patreon dot com slash alchemy this. It's a forward slash.
(03:18):
It's not a backslash. It's a forward slash. Yeah, okay,
in case you're slash confused. Oh. Today's scene suggestions were
gathered from our listeners emails. If you'd like to submit yours,
please write to the podcast at your name here at
alchemy this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy
this dot com. Hey Alchemists. I'm a huge fan of
(03:38):
the show and early listener. After hearing Kraikikowski immediately realized
how hard it is to write a name on a
grain of rice episode four. I always looked you all
do your show with such an infectious sense of joy
and creativity. I'm excited when new episodes come out and
end up stacking up a funer row so I can
listen to them on longer flights. Speaking of longer flights,
I recently had a chance to visit Kiv, Ukraine pronounced Kiev.
(04:01):
They care about this, I assure you, And as part
of that tip, I experienced the aftermath of the cherchial disaster. No,
it is a profound recently, Yeah, it's radioactive for a while.
That's yeah, it's glowing for a bid. It's a profound
eight hour meditation on sadness and human stupidity, and therefore
(04:23):
I feel ripe for a Seede suggestion. So Seene suggestion.
A group of international tourists visit the radioactive wast sense
of Chernobyl and Prepriot, but things take a turn when
the tour guide learns someone has been licking things in
order to get more likes on Instagram. All the very best,
please continue to be who you are, and should you
ever end up in Minneapolis, all of he Need's hash
(04:44):
Browns are on me. And over here are some of
the exact replicas of the bricks that were in this
building today of the big disaster. These ones here are replicas,
so they are for sale and they are exa act matches.
Over there, don't cross the rope. Those are the real
bricks where we crossed the rope. I said, don't cross
(05:07):
We hear a cross rope. Listen, I'm saying, don't cross
the rope. Cross cross the ropes? Over Why did chicken
cross the roope to get to real brick? You guys,
it's not safe over there. We're fine, We're fine. Wow,
it's nice over here. It's very nice. Now we know
(05:29):
how the other half lives, you know, Yeah, rope. I
hate to do this, but you know I've got a
following on Instagram. You're big on instag Yes, yeah, well
it's a hobby more than anything. Would you mind taking
up Yes? You posted to pyot or picks see it again,
pyot or picks O p I O t R p
(05:52):
I c s. It's your Instagram. Yes, yes, you can't
you post to pyotr picks. Yes, that's right, that's it.
Would you mind taking the picture? Maybe I g story
of me dancing on the bridge. Let's do boomerang. Excuse me, sir,
coming over the please come over here. I can't come
over there. You have to. I'll come up next to them. Okay,
(06:14):
catch my phone, catch my phone? Okay, good good, do
a boomerang of us licking the bricks. Please come back
to this side. No, no, no, not, this is important following. Alright, alright, alright,
let's do it quick, because every second year there is
dangerous al right over here. Okay, okay, okay, he's nice
(06:37):
over it's nice looking nice over there. It is deadly.
You guys probably just shaved years off your lives. Let's go,
let's go. I want to show you the next thing.
Here's your phone. Thank you post posting all you? Okay?
Um am I tagging you on your official account or
that New India when you're doing the arts and stuff.
You know you can't take both and then the followers
can find either. I don't want to tag balls now.
(06:58):
I want you to look towards the ground right now,
but brief glances to the left and right of this building.
This is the original building that a lot of the
survivors had to be treated at. It closed. We got
a response, someone did high five and an explosion. This
isn't funny. This isn't funny. This was all a big
(07:20):
disaster here on my my instagram. I mean, okay, that's
kind of funny. But he can I can I ask
you something? Of course, we are obviously all Russian or
various forms of us. You are obviously an American. I'm Canadian.
How did you come happen to get this job? I'm
(07:40):
giving you teaching? How they're so? We have a lot
of opportunities here for uh cause, cause for peace. Yeah.
I just want to see the world somewhere, some more special,
some are special. You want We like that, We like
that in somebody. We like your enthusiasm. You want to
go somewhere. That's that's that's going to make a difference. Perhaps,
(08:03):
Uh yeah, yeah, I guess, I guess. So I kind
of just wanted to see the world, maybe some of
the ancient maybe I don't know, some of the old
castles Germany, says yes, Yes, I have just the place
for you, just the place for you. Now, have you
um been to the dentist recently? Me? Yeah, well, I
mean it's it's probably coming up soon than Okay, have
(08:26):
you had any surgeries lately? Not specifically, so you haven't
been around any radiation so to speak. Okay, great, that's great,
that is great, very good. And do you have any
issues with a general darkness? I mean, I perfer to
(08:51):
not be in the darkness. And I don't know what
I don't know what you're getting out. Are you talking
about evil? Are you talking about so? It sounds like
it wasn't tricked. I am getting to see the world.
And who is this general darkness? Is this Canadian military? No?
General darkness. Turns out that there's not a lot of
sunlight here. I think I speak for all of us
when I say thank you for relaying entire job interview stories. Yes,
(09:14):
you could have just said I interviewed for job, get job,
come here. No, you spared no detail, and that was helpful.
I appreciate it. Well. During the day, I do these
tours and I teach a night class of English. If
but you guys, is English is great? Thank thank you,
thank you. We were raised on the Rocky movies, which
one Adriane Well four is the revered film, that is
the best. The ending, I did not care ending fantastic.
(09:43):
It's propaganda and it's American propaganda, which that's not true. Well,
how do you mean, how would you know your Canadian? Yeah,
well I've seen all of the Rocky films and none
of them were propaganda. They were great films. Okay, Well
tell us why you like them all? Well, I like
them all because they underdog, start with one. Honestly, I
like them all for the same reason because Rocky wins
(10:04):
at the end. Well, he's a moral victory. If I
love what what in the place? What is the best
Canadian film? The best Canadian film? You must know you
see cinema enthusiasts. Have you seen that John Candy movie
called Canadian Bacon? This is the worst Canadian the best?
(10:28):
Like he's right there entitled like He's that was, Like mcalmore,
just make a documentary, don't make a live action Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh Michael Moore did do that one documentary in Canada
that was great. What was that called? It was sickle?
It was really good. Okay, Okay, well he goes to
Canada for part of it. Yeah, it was a Canadian movie.
(10:48):
But anyways, this is the hospital that a lot which
I don't mean to stop anybody, but um, I can
see through this wall now, but that's a brick wall.
You can't see this. Oh my god, Peter, this is
your origin story. You get power, superpowers, you get powers?
Is that what's happening? I could see through wall. What
he's on another side of two men peeing? That could
(11:12):
be any wall. Prove it by selling what's in my pocket?
What's pocket? I want to tell you about the penis?
Is I'm looking at specific so that you know I'm
not lying? Yes, detailed as job interview story, I don't.
I can't even see through that wall, but I could
easily describe a couple of penises to you, long pickle,
What you're being a real sickle? It doesn't prove anything
(11:37):
describing some cocks. Fine, fine, vine. Maybe I'm just my
eyes are blurry. Or if you are seeing through walls
and I'm sure that this denim that I'm wearing, you
could see through and tell me what's in my pocket?
Describe penis? Does good? Good? Ideas you think story. Yes, okay,
(11:58):
I got something in my pocket. You can get scribe.
Oh I see penis? What girth? Um? What is girth?
Is the the Okay, it's hard to it's hard to.
I know, not good at measurements. Should I restart this?
(12:21):
I have something very specific in my pocket that you
hold something. Okay, let's roll, let's go. Okay, okay, you
have a birthmark of sorts and it looks like a
dragon flying. It looks like a flying dragon on your penis.
It looks like I mean, that's notis it's not a tattoo.
It's a birthmark. But nonetheless it's not anybody couldn't get
(12:42):
I'm proven. I'm sure three of the four of us
have a birth mark. Dick dragon, Yes, Dick dragon. It's
just the mouth of a dragon. You don't see any wings,
but it's clearly like you know what. That seems like
an opportunity start you shall finish. Are you not feeling
any side effects from like in the bricks, now that
(13:03):
you mentioned that, I am getting headache. That's normal. That
is normal radiation poison. You should take these iodine pills
before because you're These are for emergencies and if you're
feeling the effects of radiation poisoning. Eat these two. I
am having the effect to I'm having Vietnam flashbacks, which
(13:24):
is weird because I was not in conflict. Interesting common,
that's very uncommon. I don't think you need an iodine pill.
You should take these. I think honestly, Oh my god,
(13:51):
it's like, oh my god, is that what are you
holding in your hand? It looks like you've brought something
back from the past. Oh, that can't be true. That's
that's say. Maybe I am stuck in time like Billy
Pilgrim from Has five or seven from totally good. That's
(14:14):
physically not possible. I don't know where did this Aki
come from. I don't know where that came from. AK
And then suddenly he is that's impossible. Hold on me
one second. I want to take a picture of you
with it. Do something funny, funny with it, don't it's fun?
Oh you got here? What did he shoot you? In Birthmarch?
(14:36):
He shot me? He shot me right my crotch. Okay, Now,
perhaps you want to lick the bricks to save your life.
I highly thought that will save my life. Wait, wait,
hold on, hold on, I want to instagram this don't
don't feel again? Feel me? Oh my god, look at
(14:57):
the hole is closing off. Hashtag saved dick Dragon. That
was me. I feel like I wanted them to feel better,
and all of a sudden, I hear his wound. No no, no,
no no, that's not how that works. It seems like
it would have been too fast. I could see through things.
He went back and flashback and had an actual gun.
(15:18):
You you have nothing. Okay. Maybe I don't have superpower. Okay,
maybe I just like a break and I'm going to
dive again. I feel bad. Now you're floating? Am I floating?
You are floating? Not far? It's like six inches of
its kind of blame superpower out. I gave him the bill.
(15:41):
That was super quick. I know this isn't fair. Give
me superpower. Okay, please continue the tour. We paid good
money for the stop here. I can't do it anymore.
So what is the most fun thing to do here?
(16:04):
And that's our first see yes, yes, well you know
we made some terrible sort of funny that's right. Our
second scene Hey, cast of one of my favorite podcasts.
So that was the sitty in November twenty one episode,
you know, the one with the funeral bit. Well, yeah,
(16:26):
we buried my great grandmother this morning, who I was
very close with. When the funeral bit started, I burst
into tears but couldn't stop laughing because of how sad
and hysterical I was. I've never felt more emotions at all,
all at once in my life. I'm not sure if
I should resent you or thank you for the experience. Regardless,
I still love the show and what Kevin and his
test subjects due to make us laugh. I just thought
(16:46):
i'd share while i'm here suggestion for the show. The
group is a band of goblins in a D and
D game that's about to jump out and attack the
players of the D and D game. I love to
see how Kevin or Cole sets this one up of
the show, Braid and Shepherd. That's why I think, Brad though,
that's a sweet sentiment right in, and we're sorry, okay,
(17:08):
I don't want to fight them. I think that they
were set up to lose. These heroes are overpowered. You're
always this, you always don't want to attack. I think
that we should just run. We don't stand a chance.
They've got armor, they've got weaponry, they've got spells. What
do we have? Are we goblins? Are? Are we goblins?
That's right, we're goblins. I don't think you realize goblins
(17:30):
are basically just fodder. We're gonna turn into the ground beef. Well,
I'm gonna give it my best effort. You're you're saying
you're not even gonna I'm gonna give my best effort.
But even my best effort, I'm surely going did. I
don't take you're a goblin. I think you're a sprite.
What's right? Take that back? Hey, Darren, Um, I'm always
said you could stay tonight if you want after the game.
(17:53):
Oh that's cool. I love I love that. Chris, Yeah, yeah,
um so your role okay, um wow, Oh, I'm I'm
not really in sure how this game works that well,
you want me to DM. We should probably decide that
we don't have a dungeon master. That's the problem. I mean,
I could DM. I've done it once or twice. I
(18:15):
think that be cool, to be honest, I'm just happy
that you guys came over my place. I know it's
not the biggest house on the street, and it's a
little dangerous here, but I appreciate you guys. Some cheetos.
Here we go cheetos. My mom pretending like she's a
normal mom. I am a normal mom. She does terrible things.
Is everybody going to be crashing here tonight? Crashing mom?
(18:37):
We're cool over hill. It's going to be a crash pad. Yeah, no,
it'd be fun. Thanks for Thank you singular Cheeto. What
are you guys playing D and D? You wouldn't get it?
Oh no, i'd get it. You're tad and I used
to D and D all the time. My dad died.
Oh is that a D and D stands for dead? No,
that's not we have You know what, kid, I have
(18:59):
a I have a bag of dice that we used
to play with. Is Jared still here? Jared is still here? Yeah,
he's spending the night. What's wrong with Jared? Why are
you fighting with me about this in front of your friends?
For a normal family? Jack it off? He doesn't need
to take his leaf to jacket off. He looks good.
It's I want to fight for my second skin for Jared.
All right, you know what, I'm not going to bring
(19:19):
the dice down, see what I mean? And I'm taking
this cheeto back way to go. We just lost that
on some sweet dice. Well, good thing, already had one
in my pocket. Yeah, all right, should we play some
more D and D Dad and Dying? Please? Anything to
get me out of this world? You know what I mean,
(19:40):
what's happening? They're not even rolling. I think we might
actually have a chance this time. I feel bad for
the sad kid. It's an ogre. We've got an ogre
on our side. The Sad Kids seems to have a
rocky childhood, to say the least, don't they always though
(20:02):
they're a lot of well adjusted people playing this game.
You mean you're on our team. You're going to kill them,
aren't you? Well? What if we attack that Jared character?
Jared's not playing. It's he sounds awfully cool, sounds really cool.
You know, anytime someone wears a leather jacket or smokes
a sagarette, all of a sudden you think they're James Dean. Look,
(20:25):
I'm a big James. I mean three perfect movies and
he got out. I don't know why you make us
watch East Devite and every Christmas. It's well, you know
the rules. We can't attack and kill unless they roll
the right thing. Babe, come back to bed. Okay, Okay,
(20:46):
could you you know, I don't. I'm just I'm wearing
nothing but my jacket. I know you know what this
is gonna. I love you and I don't want to
change I don't want to change you. But it's been
more than one person that has mentioned it's weird that
you don't take your jacket off. I mean, it's a
(21:06):
pretty sweet jacket, it really is, but leather, I I
can tell, but I know it's not the fake stuff.
I've had the fake stuff, and the fake stuff doesn't
I mean, you don't sleep in that, that's for goddamn sure.
But maybe tonight let's just sleep completely nude. I mean
I'm pretty much completely nude pretty much, but not really.
(21:29):
Come on, come touch my birthmark. Listen. I don't want
to play with your birthmark today. Okay, I want, I
just want to, I don't want. I can make a talk,
can you, Jared? I think that it's it's important that
either you've got to take that check it off sometimes.
Who's been telling you those nerdy kids in the basement. Well,
(21:51):
one of those nerdy kids is my blood, my son,
and I take his opinion. But honestly, everybody at work
has been saying it too, because when you pick me up,
you're wearing that leather jacket and you're smoking cigarettes and
you I'm out of her, baby, No, no, no no, the
jacker is a deal breaker. Alright. So so what happens
next with a dudgeon master? Yeah? All right, So I'll
(22:13):
set the adventure up, all right. You guys have your
characters that you want to play. Yeah, yeah, I'm a
fourteenth le paladin. Sweet cool, cool, that's that'll go all
in this campaign. How about you? Um? I was thinking
of like, I'm like, um, a kid that has a skateboard.
Take this seriously, Chris, I am the level three skater. Okay,
(22:33):
I'll change it. What's a paladin? It's like a fighter.
I don't have time to explain to you. Guys. Don't leave, please,
don't leave. Look, you could be a cleric, like clergic cleric.
I'll be a great cool alright here, let's roll for
your attributes. Okay, one, okay, have no dexterity, real again, one,
no charm. Let's roll roll again. Come on, come on,
(22:57):
come on, come on, double one. Terrible hip points. But
we'll see what happens. I feeling good. I'm feeling good.
All right, So here we go, the forest of slapping shore.
Here we go, guys, let's get ready, and he looks
like he's just ready to die. Yeah, don't we need
(23:19):
to roll ourselves down here? No, we don't get to
control fade. We only roll once they start rolling. I mean,
I want to make sure. I mean I thought there
were some more rules on this side. We don't follow
rules unless the goblin King tells us to follow those rules.
I don't believe in the goblin King. I don't believe
in Jared. Don't believe where do you think his crotches
(23:47):
prominent display for those fants. Don't you see that there's
a connection. Our goblin king is named Jerreed, and the
bad guy out there is named Jared. He doesn't sound
like a bad guy to me. It sounds pretty cool.
Sounds really because you're bad goblins or good goblins. Good
goblins are bad. Get out of my face. I always
heard ogres more dumb, but you're the dumbest. I've got
(24:09):
a heart of sorts. You enter into the clearing, something
seems off, something seems too calm for this time of year.
I mean, normally there's tons of orcs and ogres and
goblins wandering these woods. But it's eerily quiet. Kids. I'm sorry, mom,
now jareman laugh, cut down. It's not a good thing.
(24:36):
I had a good thing. And you know what, I'm
going out. I'm gonna see if he's I'm gonna see
he's in this usual bar. Mom. Last time you went out,
you didn't come back for six days. Don't tell that
I'm cool. Mom, You're not cool. Here's my card if
you need to order pizza, order pizza, but nothing else,
no movies. Okay, okay, Hey, that wasn't cool that you
(24:56):
were looking at my mom's tits the whole time. Well
they were just out. Yeah, but the stare at him up.
This is a bad time for me. I've never seen
any before. All right, get me back and say that
to me. That's too much to expect of me. Yeah.
The only tips I've seen were on the cable, going
back and forth on the Playboy channel. It stays up
for like one second. I told you got to use pennies.
What if you put if you put if you put
(25:16):
a penny in each channel where the channel is in
the volume is on the cable box, you put a
penny there. Finally we get to something you know about.
I really know about about cable porn. Anyway, the copper
used works as a conductor and you can get the channels. Sweet. Well,
why don't you go ahead and roll? It's like, can
keep this going forward? Okay, you need a big role here.
(25:39):
It's gonna be dire. Thanks for sticking around, guys. I
hold the sort of light above my head. Cool? Cool, cool?
Why don't you take a roll there? Eighteen? Is that good? Nice?
It's pretty, it's pretty slid. Ten? No, I cannot see
what I'm blinded him. But there's still another. There's still another.
(26:03):
Let's not go for that one guy. He seems really sad.
I mean, he's the weak point. Why wouldn't we go
for for the weak point. Well, let's just see how
this plays out, all right, Why don't you go ahead
and roll? Chris? Wait, when you roll, I will roll
counter to what you roll to figure out what it's
really the dice. Please, if there's any kind of good
(26:27):
or god in this world, let this be a good role. One. Okay,
sorry about this. Chris's suddenly into the clearing jumped a
giant ogre and three goblins without for blood partially blinded
from the Sword of Light, but still ready to attack.
(26:51):
Why are three goblins working with an ogre? That's unusual.
It's I'm making this up on the fly, all right.
I don't even think this is a really realized ogre.
Did you see from the rolls? Strike strike by goblin?
Here we go. Let's do it for Jariff. All right.
(27:11):
Let me go ahead and roll to see how they're
attacks to Okay, one, don't worry, I still have a shot.
That's right. Let me He'll roll for you now. One. Um, hey,
(27:32):
do you think maybe I can choose to fight one
of them? In particular? I want to fight the biggest one.
I want to fight the ogre. Sure, Why don't you
go ahead and roll this then? Okay, I'm going right
for the ogre one ship. Guys, this is a one
sided die. Leave it alone. It's got one in every
(27:54):
part except for the eighteen. Yeah, it's eighteen and one,
and then it's one or the other six. I don't care.
It's what I rolled. I want to find him. Okay,
all right, boys, I feel very conflicted about this. Oh
you have to do is mash his bones. All he
summoned me up. He summoned me, summoned me, I mean
(28:16):
being summon I don't want to hurt this kidding. Oh
but that's not up to you. It's up to the roll.
Roll up to the role, up to the role, up
to the role. Okay, all right, okay, I'm gonna roll
for you before your roll. Thanks for hanging out with me, guys. Yeah, no,
it's no problem. I mean it's fun. Right, you're a friend. Yeah,
(28:38):
I knew that by back Tenner. Can I get to
the usual? Yeah? Sure one, Harvey wall Baby coming right up?
Classic drink, Jared's classic drink. That right, Well, there's not
there's not like a pants required rule in this bar. No, no, no,
it's pants off Thursdays. All right, well well wow if
(29:03):
it isn't Jared, Yeah, that's right. Remember me eyeball? Uh yeah,
the guy with one protruding eyeball. That's right. So I
think I gave you that nickname? You did? You did?
You also took my mother jacket from me? What this jacket? Yeah?
That one the coolest other jacket anyone's ever seen. This
(29:23):
jacket is mind bro. It was mine? But who's wearing
it now? You are? WHOA? I don't want any trouble
in here. All right, Well, here's your Midori sour. Thank you.
You know that used to be my jacket. Yeah, but
it's sits Jared who's wearing it now. You are just
doesn't seem right, doesn't seem right. This is good, this
(29:47):
is I knew i'd find you here, babe, What are
you doing here? Listen? I made a mistake. I I
love you just the way you are. You can leave
your jacket on. Just please come back home with me. Yeah,
I knew you'd become crying. I'm crying. I came in.
I'm crying by the way. That used to be my jacket,
That used to be your jacket. Yeah, it didn't fit
(30:08):
me as well, but then he pulled it off of
me and now it's his. Really. Yeah. Look, I just
gotta finish my Harvard Wallbanger and then we're out of here. Okay,
you am me. Yeah, I'm gonna get into the h
W for the lady here. You bet we'll wait. Let
me roll for it. One. You can have one, okay,
(30:32):
the roles coming up again. I feel conflicted that I
made that clear, really bad. A lot of suspense up here.
I mean, this has been a long time for no battle. Well,
we're about the battle. I fear this will be the
biggest battle yet. I think you should just clap his
head and have his brains fly out out the sides
of your palms. Yes, brain clap, clap. Well it's up
(30:55):
to the role. Okay, what is it here? We go
to one one one eighteen one for Wait, the ogre
(31:16):
has an eighteen against my one. Yeah, I guess the
ogar kills you, but not yet. I still at the
put up a fight, don't I? Alright, fellas, I'm going up.
Wish me luck? Good luck? What the hell? Where did
(31:37):
you come first? This always happened? I knows what's going on?
Brain clap? Oh? Do you think you can brain crap?
You think you can brain crap? The goblin king? Oh?
I knew it. Yes, I've been disguised on earth as
(31:59):
a dune the headed leather jacket, wearing an idiot named Jared.
And what a good disguise that one? Yes, Master, a
great dis guy. What's going on over? What is happening? Kid?
Look at me? I'm gonna take care of this situation. No,
(32:19):
I rolled the one, and I want to fight you.
You fought enough battles. What do you mean a boy
your rage? You'd have to go through all the things
he's been through. So you sit this one out. Hey,
someone's trying so hard for a heart warming ending the
(32:43):
day after Christmas. Hey, crash you you craped my brain.
You craped my brain. I'll say it one more time.
You crapped my brain. And now he's dead. A height,
(33:03):
little fellas. I'll be learning a lesson tonight. Did I
learned a lesson? I mean, we can be heroes, just
for one day. You can be heroes kids. Great news,
Great news, Jared and Higher back together? Oh my god?
What's all the blood of the floor. Mom? It's okay, Mom,
(33:24):
it's okay. What do you mean? He wasn't really Jerry.
He was a goblin king all along, and his brain up,
brain crept. Oh no. And what that looked like here
in the garage was that I hit him with the shovel.
Oh my god, I had to fight my own battles. Mom,
think this is happening at all? An eighteen? I think
it's happy mom. Your mom something she reminds me of
(33:49):
the babe. So do we feel like we won that
one night? I don't know let's just go home. And
that's the second see yep C three final scenes in
the afternoon Christmas pace. I'll skip the intro dive right
(34:10):
in because times money right in a Chris voice. I
didn't read that a Chris voice say times money. I
don't know Times money. That's Chris. A country where not
picking up a phone call is prosecuted. This inspires a
lot of services that pick calls for you, and that
makes people's lives become one huge game of telephone. Love
you all and say high for me. To the poor
(34:30):
patches from the Tug and Nuts scene, Phil, don't answer
that it's too late. I picked it up? Should I do?
I can't hang up now? You can be prosecuted for that,
for picking it up. I thought it was the opposite.
Oh wait, oh my god, wait, explain the rules to
me one more time. I believe that the law that
(34:52):
just passed yes, was that you have to answer your
phone at all costs. Rings that's the case. You thought
it was the opposite, Yeah, But because I don't just
I was just I just scrolled on my phone something
quickly was crazy because I could be going to jail now,
not hang it up? Answer Hello, Hello, Hello, just checking
(35:14):
to make sure you answered this. Yeah, I answered. Is
this an appropriate response to the phone call? Yes? This
is I just had to make sure you answered. You've
avoid prosecution, thank you this time. So what do you say?
It's it was correct? It was a good thing I
answered it. Have you missed a call today? Oh? Shoot,
I'm afraid to look. Have you just not been answering phones?
(35:35):
Because if you were thinking that the law was that
you don't answer phones, then you, my friend, are fucked. Alright,
he's got one misscall. But we're surrounding the house. Okay,
I'm ready to go. You guys ready, Yeah, I think
we should just shoot from here. Just load the place
up with bullets. Shoot to kill, shoot to kill, right now?
What kind of man? All that's right, there's a law.
(35:58):
This guy he's sick. He is sick, all right, and
that means he's unpredictable. Anything. Didn't you do anything? I
don't want to lose any of you guys on my watch,
all right, So caution, use caution. Oh my god, there
are people outside, and swap get away from the window.
Get awa from the get away the window. Listen, you
should go out there. They're clearly here for you. I
(36:18):
just was told I'm fine, okay, but what if I
called the miscall back? Surely that's that's some good points.
Didn't give it a shot. But otherwise, I don't want
you staying in my home putting me at upstairs. Man,
I'm a father. We were college buddies. Yeah, and then
all of a sudden, just like that, you throw me
out to the wolves. I don't want trouble, and you
showed your true colors. I showed my true colors. I
(36:39):
have a law abiding citizen. So am I. I just
got the law. Whatever happens this, you and I were
not as great as we used to be. Okay, here
we go, bring bring, bring hello, um high, um, I
missed the call. Give it up, Come out willingly. Leave
Kyle there. Don't you dare take him hostage? Okay? Um,
(37:03):
I mean, I just it was a miss. I've I'm okay, right,
I'm gonna be okay. You're fucked in the head. He
called you back. Huh got a damn nerve sick motherfucker
Like that's gonna make everything right? No, kid, So if
I step out willingly with my hands up, will I
be okay? We'll shoot you a lot, shoot me a lot,
(37:25):
a lot. We'll shoot you alive a lot. Okay, then
I uh, I'll be out on one second. That didn't
sound like it went very well, Carl. I'm not leaving.
What do you mean You're not leaving you and your
family at risk? Oh no, no, no, no, no no no.
My kids are asleep upstairs, and I will wake them
up and use them as a human shield. Don't go upstairs.
You come back over, okay, but listen, and you are
(37:46):
you have? You're doing well? Right? You answered the phone.
Maybe you can talk to them for me. My kids
know the guys, I'm killing that motherfucker no matter what.
I don't care if he's holding babies. I don't care
if he's holding squawks by the way, speaking squawks. I
mentioned it. I had a great Hey, everybody, it's me.
(38:07):
I'm Carl. I live in this place. Okay, this is
a good start, Carl. I swear to God, I swear
to God. Listen, I got two kids upstairs, I answered,
We've all got kids, got kids. I'm just saying, maybe
if one of you guys wears my clothes inside of
the building and pretends to be me, you could probably
(38:29):
just you know, deal without without my kids have theen
to get shot over this. Are your clothes that distinctive?
I mean it's plaid of vest and denim jeans. It's
pretty unique. Yeah, but that long hair kind of is
hard to deplicate. I'll cut it. I'll cut it, and
we can tape it. We can tape it onto the
back of anybody that's my same height. Well, Spike is
(38:49):
usually one who goes into cover. It's up to Spike. Yeah,
I'll do it. I'll put on your kids and his hair.
I'll put on your clothes in your hair. Alright, Bike,
if you do this, don't go too deep. No last time, Yeah,
I remember what happened last What do you mean too deep?
He's not going to take over my life, right, He's
been known to do something like that when I go
and I go all the way. Well, maybe one of
(39:10):
you guys should do it then instead. I'm the undercover guy.
He's he's he's the you see listen, I love my kids,
I've really loved my life. I'm pretty successful. Give me
a brief film about your kids. Brian is the son,
Jenny is the daughter. Brian's the older, protective over where
there's a Ryan and a Brian. No no, no, no no, no.
(39:30):
Brian is my son. Jenny is my daughter, two kids,
two kids. My wife is not there. Her name is Brenda. Hey, Brian,
wake up? But what's up? Hey? What's up? Um? Your
dad wants to I want you to come downstairs and
have a pizza party. I just woke up. Come on, Ryan,
(39:54):
got got your pizza, just like uh, just like you
always wanted. Ryan. By the way, thanks for kind of
like changing your tune. Earlier you wanted to kill me,
and now you want to have a pizza party. And
that makes me feel good because you answered the call.
I didn't. But we're still good people. I mean we
are who we are and who I've always been im.
And look at my vest, my long hair. Yeah, dad,
(40:15):
what's on what's on the pizzas? Oh? Yeah, what's on
the pizzas? Just the stuff? Do you like? Uh? You know,
green pepper and pineapple? And I thought you had an analogy.
I'm allegit to peppers and pineapple, pine nuts. It's kind
of a fancy pizza. Okay, so sounds good, right, right dad?
(40:36):
You should know my pizza are better. That's right, that's right.
And just straight up pepperoni. Right, right, that's that's me.
Just follow along with me. Sounds good, sounds good. Where's
your older sister, Jenny younger? Right's right, that's right younger.
Well obvious, I've imagine she's asleep in her room. Yeah,
when'd you go check on her? Yeah, I'll go wake
(40:56):
her up. Brandon, I don't think that's your dad. No ship,
sugar lack. I'm not sure that hair is tight taped
onto his head. Wait what you can see the taping?
I couldn't see ship. It's not convincing at all. Listen
your life and danger. No ship, I figured that much out,
all right, Jennie, what are you coming into the room
(41:18):
where I'm sleeping. Hey, Gingen, it's it's your dad. I've
never heard you call me Gingen. Wait, hold my hair
for a second. Is this your hair? My hair? For all?
I fell off? Hey? You want a pizza party, Kiddoh? Yeah,
I love pizza pop pop? Okay, we got a when
(41:38):
we got a gluten free? What? What's gluten free? Oh?
We got bad news for you. What he's not doing
great on the inside. To blow that whole fucking place. No,
my kids are in there. Yeah, but so was the
guy who didn't answer the calls. Guys, we've got another
guy inside. What who's the other guy? We pulled your daughter,
Jennie out. She's right here, thank god. Oh I love you.
(42:03):
Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Is Brian? Okay? Come on, Jenny,
Come on, Jenny, give your dad a hug. Okay, big huh.
Oh you're crushing me, Jenny while you're doing this to
your dad. Wait, hold on, So we sent in another
guy to hurt our guy. Well, we had that guy
(42:24):
in before. We said the other guy in and he's
even more method than he is. So and this is
all just to clarify. This is all to get the
guy who didn'tser the case right. That's right, because right
now I think he's about to eat some pizza and
just chill. That's six so far. My my real family
is safe. Safe for your son. We don't know what
if we sent in somebody that dressed up to look
(42:45):
like my wife. We're running out of guys. Yeah, I
don't know what I'm saying. Somebody's gotta limited amount of body.
I just gotta get my son out of there. I
don't care about me, I guess I'll go, but I mean,
hold on, hold on. He got a full beard. No,
but you've got good cheekbones. Those are nice cheekbones. But
my wife does not have any beer. I happen to
(43:07):
have a dress. Hey, guys, I'm I'm a little late
to the party. What what am I? What am I missing?
Bring me up to up to speed? You got it?
I called you, guys. You didn't pick up so well,
that's because we're on the on the job. Everybody. Let
me and my daughter just walked out of here. One
(43:27):
of my guns is pointed right daughter. I'm just how
do we know you're who you say you were? And
you're not one of us? But I mean you could
be one of us. Undercover ship. All of our phones
are ringing. If you go for this phone, I'm gonna
plug you. I have to go for the phone. You
have to answer the phone. We have to answer the phone.
We're gonna be criminals. All let's drop the guns on three.
(43:48):
Answer the phones one to three? Do you have to Hello?
I'm Charlie Sheen and this is a group phone call.
I find that I've got a lot better sales call.
All right, I got time for no snow gloves. How
do we end this? Well? I think that maybe all right,
(44:16):
he's dead? Are you dead? Are you you were hit?
You're okay, you're still alive. I'm still alive. Guys. Screamed
because you were shocked, right, because I was shocked. I
was shocked, honestly at what happened. Freeze guys. That's right.
(44:36):
I've been making all the calls. What the calls were
coming from? That's right? Alright, kid, what do you want?
I want a chapper. I want six million pizzas. I
want Tony Hawk to He didn't scream that time you
(45:00):
killed the kid? Yeah, you didn't scream. I wasn't shy. Hello, Hi,
I'm coming out with my hands up. I'm the person
who didn't answer the phone earlier. Jesus Christ. There's so
much blood. Yeah, I guess we should be arresting you,
but so much ship has gone down since then. Look,
(45:21):
next time, answer your call. Okay, hold on, I'm getting
a notification though. Oh it's a news update. It says
that the new law is don't answer the phone, and
it was a confusing law. That makes sense. What do
we do with all this? Uh? Do you clean this up?
Or do I click we have a crew that comes
in and clean it up. What does that pay? It
pays pretty well, actually eighteen an hour. That's good benefits,
(45:42):
I assume. Yeah. Nice, Yeah, what's your number. I'll have
them give you a call. I can't believe we got
to clean up this bullshit. But the pay's already pretty good. Yeah,
I got it. I don't know. I think an honest
day's work is admirable. Frankly, you just oversee us doing
the work well, I mean, speaking of which, get back
(46:04):
to it, get back to no looking to the blood,
no looking to the blood. This is work. But I
think the thing is that it's some of Elia Kazan's
best work. Oh, stop talking about gave Da. I mean,
clearly a face in the crowd is its best Philow granted, granted,
go ahead of its die are watching every Goblin's eve.
(46:27):
And so what happened that day was? I mean, you're
getting married today, So I wanted to tell you the
real story of how your dad and brother died. And
that's that's what went down. I missed a call, and
but look at you now, you're getting married, and I'm
happy to be walking out my makeup run. I'm just crying.
Now this is supposed to be thank you for telling
me the truth, But I just never heard about what
(46:49):
happened to my mom. Oh yeah, I just I don't
even know how she was involved. She wasn't there. Yeah,
I lived with you, another Harvey wallbanger. Miss. Yeah, yeah
you look down. Oh yeah, I'm pretty down. I left
my husband and kids from leather jacket wearing guy and
(47:12):
his head got popped. Does that make sense? That's very crazier.
That doesn't surprise me. This is a crazy bar. Well,
this one's out in the house, all right. I just
think your mom is like an angel wherever she is.
Oh that's really sweet of you. Now, um, I'll be
(47:32):
happy to walk you down the aisle. I don't know, okay, yeah, listen, hey,
I protected to your your entire life. But it sounds
like you killed my You killed my father, not directly,
not directly. You you it was your fault in a way,
in a way. But hey, they know it's bad luck
to see bright before ceremony. But oh, Jenny, you look,
(47:55):
you look, you look, you're practically glowing. Oh stop, don't
don't look at here. It's that luck. Oh hey, look,
look I'm doing the doggie. Uh filter on you you
do smile at that look like dog. You look so excited,
You're just glowing. Yes, yes, I don't have long baby,
(48:18):
so maybe yes, the half life is by the way
I can see through your dress. Nice work, very good,
very good prost roast and that's our show. Thank you
guys for listening on your post Christmas holiday. Let's see
(48:43):
what everybody's up to. Chris Alvarado, everybody, I'm always doing
shows and doing stuff at the West Side Comedy Theater. Also,
we will be at the San Francisco Sketch Festival in January.
Check that out. Please follow me it at Chris Elparado. Yeah,
Craig kick As, Yeah, definitely comes to Alchemy this it's
catch fest. Also be there with the Thrilling Adventure our
having a little reunion showing that James. I just love
(49:07):
the tradition that I'm having of reading my favorite reviews
and these ones are all nice and short, just to
show that you could do it too. Here's one from
Bianca Sierra. This show is absolute best. I wish everyone
knew about it. That's pretty good. And then, last but
not least, today Funny Good Vibes Podcast I'm more than
happy that I found this podcast. Happy customer. You can
(49:30):
find me reading the Apple podcast reviews, so go ahead
and do that. Look for me. There should be your
new video series. Actually, my, that's pretty funny. Do the
review reading. I did check in and that one that
I had mentioned before has not been corrected. Um oh
the one that was four stars. I said, it's like
the best podcast ever four stars. I thought maybe that
(49:54):
person would here, maybe that maybe that has an aired yet. Yeah, yeah, Cole,
Where can we find you? You can find me at
Stratton Cole or at Cole Stratton, depending on the social
media service. You can find me a Westside comedy theater
with Pretty Pretty Pony the first Thursday of the month
at ten pm, along with several of these people in
this room. You can find me an SF sketch Fest,
which I co founded and I met for three weeks
in January. Come see Alchemy this there, comes see Tilling
(50:18):
a Venture our Come see Pretty Pretty Pony. No they're
not there. Uh. Come see theme Park, which is my
touring and prov group that has a lot of awesome
heavy hitters in it. Um, thank you guys for listening.
Let's thank our engineer Doug bab Our, post sound design
artist Raphael Brito, and lastly, I Heart Media Don't Don't.
(50:42):
We encourage everyone to write a review, tell everyone you've
ever met, and write to us at your name here
at alchemy this dot com. That's your name here at
alchemy this dot com. Until next time, Alchemy and go
(51:04):
and a football fell and a football
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This once again,
it's Cold Stratton filling in for Kevin Pollock, who was
exact producing the antiques road show spinoff, The Marvelous miss
Is Appraisal. That's a good one. I don't know where
that was going. It's the day after Chris. Yes, look
all these new clothes you're all wearing. I'm pretty proud
(00:25):
of this wonderful bunny suit I was gifted. You look
adorable things. I'm in a brand new blouse. Yeah, that
looks good on you. Yeah. Hey, you got your dreads back? Yeah,
well these are actually I can take them off their
extension dreads. Yeah. Key got his dreads back, and Chris
is wearing nothing once again. Yeah, well I just figured
(00:48):
nothing's better. You don't have anything on underneath the table either. No,
I came in afterwards. Yeah. Well, when I stand up
later and I give you hug goodbye, I'm probably gonna
have a hard pass on that. Okay, I'll have a
hard pass to Hey. Al right, well let's meet everybody,
shall we. I had no particular order. He's making a
killing on the internal Oregon black Market. James Heeney, James,
(01:10):
what's your biggest seller this season. This season will specifically
Christmas his hearts. It makes sense, that makes sense. I
mean it comes around a couple of times a year,
but yeah, Valentine's Day, Christmas, that's it. The hearts otherwise
are pretty out of human hearts. The gift that keeps
(01:31):
on giving blood. Uh, let's say hello to the laser
tag Midwest Regional champion Chris Alvarado. What's your key to
dominating tag? Um? I I carry baby powder in my
in my coat pocket, and I throw the baby powder
in the people's eyes and then they run around the
(01:53):
dark room blinded and zap zap, and it's a good
way to do it. I never I never zopp and
I never zip though. Just no, okay, alright, that's fun. Finally,
he's been understudy for every single role in Hamilton's, including
Peggy Craigowski. Craig, what song you wish you could tackle
(02:13):
from that show? I'd love to be all three Skylar sisters.
I think that would be pretty fun. Yeah. I don't
think I can wrap as fast as the slowest rapping
member of that cast. God, but that's actually a great show.
One night at the Hudson Theater comediential stage that's very
specific to l A. But Craig Atkowski doing all three
(02:35):
parts of Hamilton's Sisters and leaving blank space for everybody
else's roles. Craigecowsky does all three skys live on stage.
That there's a different show that I thought it was.
It's a really, really weird crowd. We'd like to invite
you to become VP members of our new Patreon page.
(02:58):
Bonus episodes not available to non member It's a phone
number just for v i p s where you can
leave a message being a question and request whatever. We'll
reply at a regular video Q and A is at
Kevin's Place, which you're only available to v i p s.
There's all kinds of cool ship, so please join our
supercore fans by going to patreon dot com slash alchemy this.
That's patreon dot com slash alchemy this. It's a forward slash.
(03:18):
It's not a backslash. It's a forward slash. Yeah, okay,
in case you're slash confused. Oh. Today's scene suggestions were
gathered from our listeners emails. If you'd like to submit yours,
please write to the podcast at your name here at
alchemy this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy
this dot com. Hey Alchemists. I'm a huge fan of
(03:38):
the show and early listener. After hearing Kraikikowski immediately realized
how hard it is to write a name on a
grain of rice episode four. I always looked you all
do your show with such an infectious sense of joy
and creativity. I'm excited when new episodes come out and
end up stacking up a funer row so I can
listen to them on longer flights. Speaking of longer flights,
I recently had a chance to visit Kiv, Ukraine pronounced Kiev.
(04:01):
They care about this, I assure you, And as part
of that tip, I experienced the aftermath of the cherchial disaster. No,
it is a profound recently, Yeah, it's radioactive for a while.
That's yeah, it's glowing for a bid. It's a profound
eight hour meditation on sadness and human stupidity, and therefore
(04:23):
I feel ripe for a Seede suggestion. So Seene suggestion.
A group of international tourists visit the radioactive wast sense
of Chernobyl and Prepriot, but things take a turn when
the tour guide learns someone has been licking things in
order to get more likes on Instagram. All the very best,
please continue to be who you are, and should you
ever end up in Minneapolis, all of he Need's hash
(04:44):
Browns are on me. And over here are some of
the exact replicas of the bricks that were in this
building today of the big disaster. These ones here are replicas,
so they are for sale and they are exa act matches.
Over there, don't cross the rope. Those are the real
bricks where we crossed the rope. I said, don't cross
(05:07):
We hear a cross rope. Listen, I'm saying, don't cross
the rope. Cross cross the ropes? Over Why did chicken
cross the roope to get to real brick? You guys,
it's not safe over there. We're fine, We're fine. Wow,
it's nice over here. It's very nice. Now we know
(05:29):
how the other half lives, you know, Yeah, rope. I
hate to do this, but you know I've got a
following on Instagram. You're big on instag Yes, yeah, well
it's a hobby more than anything. Would you mind taking
up Yes? You posted to pyot or picks see it again,
pyot or picks O p I O t R p
(05:52):
I c s. It's your Instagram. Yes, yes, you can't
you post to pyotr picks. Yes, that's right, that's it.
Would you mind taking the picture? Maybe I g story
of me dancing on the bridge. Let's do boomerang. Excuse me, sir,
coming over the please come over here. I can't come
over there. You have to. I'll come up next to them. Okay,
(06:14):
catch my phone, catch my phone? Okay, good good, do
a boomerang of us licking the bricks. Please come back
to this side. No, no, no, not, this is important following. Alright, alright, alright,
let's do it quick, because every second year there is
dangerous al right over here. Okay, okay, okay, he's nice
(06:37):
over it's nice looking nice over there. It is deadly.
You guys probably just shaved years off your lives. Let's go,
let's go. I want to show you the next thing.
Here's your phone. Thank you post posting all you? Okay?
Um am I tagging you on your official account or
that New India when you're doing the arts and stuff.
You know you can't take both and then the followers
can find either. I don't want to tag balls now.
(06:58):
I want you to look towards the ground right now,
but brief glances to the left and right of this building.
This is the original building that a lot of the
survivors had to be treated at. It closed. We got
a response, someone did high five and an explosion. This
isn't funny. This isn't funny. This was all a big
(07:20):
disaster here on my my instagram. I mean, okay, that's
kind of funny. But he can I can I ask
you something? Of course, we are obviously all Russian or
various forms of us. You are obviously an American. I'm Canadian.
How did you come happen to get this job? I'm
(07:40):
giving you teaching? How they're so? We have a lot
of opportunities here for uh cause, cause for peace. Yeah.
I just want to see the world somewhere, some more special,
some are special. You want We like that, We like
that in somebody. We like your enthusiasm. You want to
go somewhere. That's that's that's going to make a difference. Perhaps,
(08:03):
Uh yeah, yeah, I guess, I guess. So I kind
of just wanted to see the world, maybe some of
the ancient maybe I don't know, some of the old
castles Germany, says yes, Yes, I have just the place
for you, just the place for you. Now, have you
um been to the dentist recently? Me? Yeah, well, I
mean it's it's probably coming up soon than Okay, have
(08:26):
you had any surgeries lately? Not specifically, so you haven't
been around any radiation so to speak. Okay, great, that's great,
that is great, very good. And do you have any
issues with a general darkness? I mean, I perfer to
(08:51):
not be in the darkness. And I don't know what
I don't know what you're getting out. Are you talking
about evil? Are you talking about so? It sounds like
it wasn't tricked. I am getting to see the world.
And who is this general darkness? Is this Canadian military? No?
General darkness. Turns out that there's not a lot of
sunlight here. I think I speak for all of us
when I say thank you for relaying entire job interview stories. Yes,
(09:14):
you could have just said I interviewed for job, get job,
come here. No, you spared no detail, and that was helpful.
I appreciate it. Well. During the day, I do these
tours and I teach a night class of English. If
but you guys, is English is great? Thank thank you,
thank you. We were raised on the Rocky movies, which
one Adriane Well four is the revered film, that is
the best. The ending, I did not care ending fantastic.
(09:43):
It's propaganda and it's American propaganda, which that's not true. Well,
how do you mean, how would you know your Canadian? Yeah,
well I've seen all of the Rocky films and none
of them were propaganda. They were great films. Okay, Well
tell us why you like them all? Well, I like
them all because they underdog, start with one. Honestly, I
like them all for the same reason because Rocky wins
(10:04):
at the end. Well, he's a moral victory. If I
love what what in the place? What is the best
Canadian film? The best Canadian film? You must know you
see cinema enthusiasts. Have you seen that John Candy movie
called Canadian Bacon? This is the worst Canadian the best?
(10:28):
Like he's right there entitled like He's that was, Like mcalmore,
just make a documentary, don't make a live action Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh Michael Moore did do that one documentary in Canada
that was great. What was that called? It was sickle?
It was really good. Okay, Okay, well he goes to
Canada for part of it. Yeah, it was a Canadian movie.
(10:48):
But anyways, this is the hospital that a lot which
I don't mean to stop anybody, but um, I can
see through this wall now, but that's a brick wall.
You can't see this. Oh my god, Peter, this is
your origin story. You get power, superpowers, you get powers?
Is that what's happening? I could see through wall. What
he's on another side of two men peeing? That could
(11:12):
be any wall. Prove it by selling what's in my pocket?
What's pocket? I want to tell you about the penis?
Is I'm looking at specific so that you know I'm
not lying? Yes, detailed as job interview story, I don't.
I can't even see through that wall, but I could
easily describe a couple of penises to you, long pickle,
What you're being a real sickle? It doesn't prove anything
(11:37):
describing some cocks. Fine, fine, vine. Maybe I'm just my
eyes are blurry. Or if you are seeing through walls
and I'm sure that this denim that I'm wearing, you
could see through and tell me what's in my pocket?
Describe penis? Does good? Good? Ideas you think story. Yes, okay,
(11:58):
I got something in my pocket. You can get scribe.
Oh I see penis? What girth? Um? What is girth?
Is the the Okay, it's hard to it's hard to.
I know, not good at measurements. Should I restart this?
(12:21):
I have something very specific in my pocket that you
hold something. Okay, let's roll, let's go. Okay, okay, you
have a birthmark of sorts and it looks like a
dragon flying. It looks like a flying dragon on your penis.
It looks like I mean, that's notis it's not a tattoo.
It's a birthmark. But nonetheless it's not anybody couldn't get
(12:42):
I'm proven. I'm sure three of the four of us
have a birth mark. Dick dragon, Yes, Dick dragon. It's
just the mouth of a dragon. You don't see any wings,
but it's clearly like you know what. That seems like
an opportunity start you shall finish. Are you not feeling
any side effects from like in the bricks, now that
(13:03):
you mentioned that, I am getting headache. That's normal. That
is normal radiation poison. You should take these iodine pills
before because you're These are for emergencies and if you're
feeling the effects of radiation poisoning. Eat these two. I
am having the effect to I'm having Vietnam flashbacks, which
(13:24):
is weird because I was not in conflict. Interesting common,
that's very uncommon. I don't think you need an iodine pill.
You should take these. I think honestly, Oh my god,
(13:51):
it's like, oh my god, is that what are you
holding in your hand? It looks like you've brought something
back from the past. Oh, that can't be true. That's
that's say. Maybe I am stuck in time like Billy
Pilgrim from Has five or seven from totally good. That's
(14:14):
physically not possible. I don't know where did this Aki
come from. I don't know where that came from. AK
And then suddenly he is that's impossible. Hold on me
one second. I want to take a picture of you
with it. Do something funny, funny with it, don't it's fun?
Oh you got here? What did he shoot you? In Birthmarch?
(14:36):
He shot me? He shot me right my crotch. Okay, Now,
perhaps you want to lick the bricks to save your life.
I highly thought that will save my life. Wait, wait,
hold on, hold on, I want to instagram this don't
don't feel again? Feel me? Oh my god, look at
(14:57):
the hole is closing off. Hashtag saved dick Dragon. That
was me. I feel like I wanted them to feel better,
and all of a sudden, I hear his wound. No no, no,
no no, that's not how that works. It seems like
it would have been too fast. I could see through things.
He went back and flashback and had an actual gun.
(15:18):
You you have nothing. Okay. Maybe I don't have superpower. Okay,
maybe I just like a break and I'm going to
dive again. I feel bad. Now you're floating? Am I floating?
You are floating? Not far? It's like six inches of
its kind of blame superpower out. I gave him the bill.
(15:41):
That was super quick. I know this isn't fair. Give
me superpower. Okay, please continue the tour. We paid good
money for the stop here. I can't do it anymore.
So what is the most fun thing to do here?
(16:04):
And that's our first see yes, yes, well you know
we made some terrible sort of funny that's right. Our
second scene Hey, cast of one of my favorite podcasts.
So that was the sitty in November twenty one episode,
you know, the one with the funeral bit. Well, yeah,
(16:26):
we buried my great grandmother this morning, who I was
very close with. When the funeral bit started, I burst
into tears but couldn't stop laughing because of how sad
and hysterical I was. I've never felt more emotions at all,
all at once in my life. I'm not sure if
I should resent you or thank you for the experience. Regardless,
I still love the show and what Kevin and his
test subjects due to make us laugh. I just thought
(16:46):
i'd share while i'm here suggestion for the show. The
group is a band of goblins in a D and
D game that's about to jump out and attack the
players of the D and D game. I love to
see how Kevin or Cole sets this one up of
the show, Braid and Shepherd. That's why I think, Brad though,
that's a sweet sentiment right in, and we're sorry, okay,
(17:08):
I don't want to fight them. I think that they
were set up to lose. These heroes are overpowered. You're
always this, you always don't want to attack. I think
that we should just run. We don't stand a chance.
They've got armor, they've got weaponry, they've got spells. What
do we have? Are we goblins? Are? Are we goblins?
That's right, we're goblins. I don't think you realize goblins
(17:30):
are basically just fodder. We're gonna turn into the ground beef. Well,
I'm gonna give it my best effort. You're you're saying
you're not even gonna I'm gonna give my best effort.
But even my best effort, I'm surely going did. I
don't take you're a goblin. I think you're a sprite.
What's right? Take that back? Hey, Darren, Um, I'm always
said you could stay tonight if you want after the game.
(17:53):
Oh that's cool. I love I love that. Chris, Yeah, yeah,
um so your role okay, um wow, Oh, I'm I'm
not really in sure how this game works that well,
you want me to DM. We should probably decide that
we don't have a dungeon master. That's the problem. I mean,
I could DM. I've done it once or twice. I
(18:15):
think that be cool, to be honest, I'm just happy
that you guys came over my place. I know it's
not the biggest house on the street, and it's a
little dangerous here, but I appreciate you guys. Some cheetos.
Here we go cheetos. My mom pretending like she's a
normal mom. I am a normal mom. She does terrible things.
Is everybody going to be crashing here tonight? Crashing mom?
(18:37):
We're cool over hill. It's going to be a crash pad. Yeah, no,
it'd be fun. Thanks for Thank you singular Cheeto. What
are you guys playing D and D? You wouldn't get it?
Oh no, i'd get it. You're tad and I used
to D and D all the time. My dad died.
Oh is that a D and D stands for dead? No,
that's not we have You know what, kid, I have
(18:59):
a I have a bag of dice that we used
to play with. Is Jared still here? Jared is still here? Yeah,
he's spending the night. What's wrong with Jared? Why are
you fighting with me about this in front of your friends?
For a normal family? Jack it off? He doesn't need
to take his leaf to jacket off. He looks good.
It's I want to fight for my second skin for Jared.
All right, you know what, I'm not going to bring
(19:19):
the dice down, see what I mean? And I'm taking
this cheeto back way to go. We just lost that
on some sweet dice. Well, good thing, already had one
in my pocket. Yeah, all right, should we play some
more D and D Dad and Dying? Please? Anything to
get me out of this world? You know what I mean,
(19:40):
what's happening? They're not even rolling. I think we might
actually have a chance this time. I feel bad for
the sad kid. It's an ogre. We've got an ogre
on our side. The Sad Kids seems to have a
rocky childhood, to say the least, don't they always though
(20:02):
they're a lot of well adjusted people playing this game.
You mean you're on our team. You're going to kill them,
aren't you? Well? What if we attack that Jared character?
Jared's not playing. It's he sounds awfully cool, sounds really cool.
You know, anytime someone wears a leather jacket or smokes
a sagarette, all of a sudden you think they're James Dean. Look,
(20:25):
I'm a big James. I mean three perfect movies and
he got out. I don't know why you make us
watch East Devite and every Christmas. It's well, you know
the rules. We can't attack and kill unless they roll
the right thing. Babe, come back to bed. Okay, Okay,
(20:46):
could you you know, I don't. I'm just I'm wearing
nothing but my jacket. I know you know what this
is gonna. I love you and I don't want to
change I don't want to change you. But it's been
more than one person that has mentioned it's weird that
you don't take your jacket off. I mean, it's a
(21:06):
pretty sweet jacket, it really is, but leather, I I
can tell, but I know it's not the fake stuff.
I've had the fake stuff, and the fake stuff doesn't
I mean, you don't sleep in that, that's for goddamn sure.
But maybe tonight let's just sleep completely nude. I mean
I'm pretty much completely nude pretty much, but not really.
(21:29):
Come on, come touch my birthmark. Listen. I don't want
to play with your birthmark today. Okay, I want, I
just want to, I don't want. I can make a talk,
can you, Jared? I think that it's it's important that
either you've got to take that check it off sometimes.
Who's been telling you those nerdy kids in the basement. Well,
(21:51):
one of those nerdy kids is my blood, my son,
and I take his opinion. But honestly, everybody at work
has been saying it too, because when you pick me up,
you're wearing that leather jacket and you're smoking cigarettes and
you I'm out of her, baby, No, no, no no, the
jacker is a deal breaker. Alright. So so what happens
next with a dudgeon master? Yeah? All right, So I'll
(22:13):
set the adventure up, all right. You guys have your
characters that you want to play. Yeah, yeah, I'm a
fourteenth le paladin. Sweet cool, cool, that's that'll go all
in this campaign. How about you? Um? I was thinking
of like, I'm like, um, a kid that has a skateboard.
Take this seriously, Chris, I am the level three skater. Okay,
(22:33):
I'll change it. What's a paladin? It's like a fighter.
I don't have time to explain to you. Guys. Don't leave, please,
don't leave. Look, you could be a cleric, like clergic cleric.
I'll be a great cool alright here, let's roll for
your attributes. Okay, one, okay, have no dexterity, real again, one,
no charm. Let's roll roll again. Come on, come on,
(22:57):
come on, come on, double one. Terrible hip points. But
we'll see what happens. I feeling good. I'm feeling good.
All right, So here we go, the forest of slapping shore.
Here we go, guys, let's get ready, and he looks
like he's just ready to die. Yeah, don't we need
(23:19):
to roll ourselves down here? No, we don't get to
control fade. We only roll once they start rolling. I mean,
I want to make sure. I mean I thought there
were some more rules on this side. We don't follow
rules unless the goblin King tells us to follow those rules.
I don't believe in the goblin King. I don't believe
in Jared. Don't believe where do you think his crotches
(23:47):
prominent display for those fants. Don't you see that there's
a connection. Our goblin king is named Jerreed, and the
bad guy out there is named Jared. He doesn't sound
like a bad guy to me. It sounds pretty cool.
Sounds really because you're bad goblins or good goblins. Good
goblins are bad. Get out of my face. I always
heard ogres more dumb, but you're the dumbest. I've got
(24:09):
a heart of sorts. You enter into the clearing, something
seems off, something seems too calm for this time of year.
I mean, normally there's tons of orcs and ogres and
goblins wandering these woods. But it's eerily quiet. Kids. I'm sorry, mom,
now jareman laugh, cut down. It's not a good thing.
(24:36):
I had a good thing. And you know what, I'm
going out. I'm gonna see if he's I'm gonna see
he's in this usual bar. Mom. Last time you went out,
you didn't come back for six days. Don't tell that
I'm cool. Mom, You're not cool. Here's my card if
you need to order pizza, order pizza, but nothing else,
no movies. Okay, okay, Hey, that wasn't cool that you
(24:56):
were looking at my mom's tits the whole time. Well
they were just out. Yeah, but the stare at him up.
This is a bad time for me. I've never seen
any before. All right, get me back and say that
to me. That's too much to expect of me. Yeah.
The only tips I've seen were on the cable, going
back and forth on the Playboy channel. It stays up
for like one second. I told you got to use pennies.
What if you put if you put if you put
(25:16):
a penny in each channel where the channel is in
the volume is on the cable box, you put a
penny there. Finally we get to something you know about.
I really know about about cable porn. Anyway, the copper
used works as a conductor and you can get the channels. Sweet. Well,
why don't you go ahead and roll? It's like, can
keep this going forward? Okay, you need a big role here.
(25:39):
It's gonna be dire. Thanks for sticking around, guys. I
hold the sort of light above my head. Cool? Cool, cool?
Why don't you take a roll there? Eighteen? Is that good? Nice?
It's pretty, it's pretty slid. Ten? No, I cannot see
what I'm blinded him. But there's still another. There's still another.
(26:03):
Let's not go for that one guy. He seems really sad.
I mean, he's the weak point. Why wouldn't we go
for for the weak point. Well, let's just see how
this plays out, all right, Why don't you go ahead
and roll? Chris? Wait, when you roll, I will roll
counter to what you roll to figure out what it's
really the dice. Please, if there's any kind of good
(26:27):
or god in this world, let this be a good role. One. Okay,
sorry about this. Chris's suddenly into the clearing jumped a
giant ogre and three goblins without for blood partially blinded
from the Sword of Light, but still ready to attack.
(26:51):
Why are three goblins working with an ogre? That's unusual.
It's I'm making this up on the fly, all right.
I don't even think this is a really realized ogre.
Did you see from the rolls? Strike strike by goblin?
Here we go. Let's do it for Jariff. All right.
(27:11):
Let me go ahead and roll to see how they're
attacks to Okay, one, don't worry, I still have a shot.
That's right. Let me He'll roll for you now. One. Um, hey,
(27:32):
do you think maybe I can choose to fight one
of them? In particular? I want to fight the biggest one.
I want to fight the ogre. Sure, Why don't you
go ahead and roll this then? Okay, I'm going right
for the ogre one ship. Guys, this is a one
sided die. Leave it alone. It's got one in every
(27:54):
part except for the eighteen. Yeah, it's eighteen and one,
and then it's one or the other six. I don't care.
It's what I rolled. I want to find him. Okay,
all right, boys, I feel very conflicted about this. Oh
you have to do is mash his bones. All he
summoned me up. He summoned me, summoned me, I mean
(28:16):
being summon I don't want to hurt this kidding. Oh
but that's not up to you. It's up to the roll.
Roll up to the role, up to the role, up
to the role. Okay, all right, okay, I'm gonna roll
for you before your roll. Thanks for hanging out with me, guys. Yeah, no,
it's no problem. I mean it's fun. Right, you're a friend. Yeah,
(28:38):
I knew that by back Tenner. Can I get to
the usual? Yeah? Sure one, Harvey wall Baby coming right up?
Classic drink, Jared's classic drink. That right, Well, there's not
there's not like a pants required rule in this bar. No, no, no,
it's pants off Thursdays. All right, well well wow if
(29:03):
it isn't Jared, Yeah, that's right. Remember me eyeball? Uh yeah,
the guy with one protruding eyeball. That's right. So I
think I gave you that nickname? You did? You did?
You also took my mother jacket from me? What this jacket? Yeah?
That one the coolest other jacket anyone's ever seen. This
(29:23):
jacket is mind bro. It was mine? But who's wearing
it now? You are? WHOA? I don't want any trouble
in here. All right, Well, here's your Midori sour. Thank you.
You know that used to be my jacket. Yeah, but
it's sits Jared who's wearing it now. You are just
doesn't seem right, doesn't seem right. This is good, this
(29:47):
is I knew i'd find you here, babe, What are
you doing here? Listen? I made a mistake. I I
love you just the way you are. You can leave
your jacket on. Just please come back home with me. Yeah,
I knew you'd become crying. I'm crying. I came in.
I'm crying by the way. That used to be my jacket,
That used to be your jacket. Yeah, it didn't fit
(30:08):
me as well, but then he pulled it off of
me and now it's his. Really. Yeah. Look, I just
gotta finish my Harvard Wallbanger and then we're out of here. Okay,
you am me. Yeah, I'm gonna get into the h
W for the lady here. You bet we'll wait. Let
me roll for it. One. You can have one, okay,
(30:32):
the roles coming up again. I feel conflicted that I
made that clear, really bad. A lot of suspense up here.
I mean, this has been a long time for no battle. Well,
we're about the battle. I fear this will be the
biggest battle yet. I think you should just clap his
head and have his brains fly out out the sides
of your palms. Yes, brain clap, clap. Well it's up
(30:55):
to the role. Okay, what is it here? We go
to one one one eighteen one for Wait, the ogre
(31:16):
has an eighteen against my one. Yeah, I guess the
ogar kills you, but not yet. I still at the
put up a fight, don't I? Alright, fellas, I'm going up.
Wish me luck? Good luck? What the hell? Where did
(31:37):
you come first? This always happened? I knows what's going on?
Brain clap? Oh? Do you think you can brain crap?
You think you can brain crap? The goblin king? Oh?
I knew it. Yes, I've been disguised on earth as
(31:59):
a dune the headed leather jacket, wearing an idiot named Jared.
And what a good disguise that one? Yes, Master, a
great dis guy. What's going on over? What is happening? Kid?
Look at me? I'm gonna take care of this situation. No,
(32:19):
I rolled the one, and I want to fight you.
You fought enough battles. What do you mean a boy
your rage? You'd have to go through all the things
he's been through. So you sit this one out. Hey,
someone's trying so hard for a heart warming ending the
(32:43):
day after Christmas. Hey, crash you you craped my brain.
You craped my brain. I'll say it one more time.
You crapped my brain. And now he's dead. A height,
(33:03):
little fellas. I'll be learning a lesson tonight. Did I
learned a lesson? I mean, we can be heroes, just
for one day. You can be heroes kids. Great news,
Great news, Jared and Higher back together? Oh my god?
What's all the blood of the floor. Mom? It's okay, Mom,
(33:24):
it's okay. What do you mean? He wasn't really Jerry.
He was a goblin king all along, and his brain up,
brain crept. Oh no. And what that looked like here
in the garage was that I hit him with the shovel.
Oh my god, I had to fight my own battles. Mom,
think this is happening at all? An eighteen? I think
it's happy mom. Your mom something she reminds me of
(33:49):
the babe. So do we feel like we won that
one night? I don't know let's just go home. And
that's the second see yep C three final scenes in
the afternoon Christmas pace. I'll skip the intro dive right
(34:10):
in because times money right in a Chris voice. I
didn't read that a Chris voice say times money. I
don't know Times money. That's Chris. A country where not
picking up a phone call is prosecuted. This inspires a
lot of services that pick calls for you, and that
makes people's lives become one huge game of telephone. Love
you all and say high for me. To the poor
(34:30):
patches from the Tug and Nuts scene, Phil, don't answer
that it's too late. I picked it up? Should I do?
I can't hang up now? You can be prosecuted for that,
for picking it up. I thought it was the opposite.
Oh wait, oh my god, wait, explain the rules to
me one more time. I believe that the law that
(34:52):
just passed yes, was that you have to answer your
phone at all costs. Rings that's the case. You thought
it was the opposite, Yeah, But because I don't just
I was just I just scrolled on my phone something
quickly was crazy because I could be going to jail now,
not hang it up? Answer Hello, Hello, Hello, just checking
(35:14):
to make sure you answered this. Yeah, I answered. Is
this an appropriate response to the phone call? Yes? This
is I just had to make sure you answered. You've
avoid prosecution, thank you this time. So what do you say?
It's it was correct? It was a good thing I
answered it. Have you missed a call today? Oh? Shoot,
I'm afraid to look. Have you just not been answering phones?
(35:35):
Because if you were thinking that the law was that
you don't answer phones, then you, my friend, are fucked. Alright,
he's got one misscall. But we're surrounding the house. Okay,
I'm ready to go. You guys ready, Yeah, I think
we should just shoot from here. Just load the place
up with bullets. Shoot to kill, shoot to kill, right now?
What kind of man? All that's right, there's a law.
(35:58):
This guy he's sick. He is sick, all right, and
that means he's unpredictable. Anything. Didn't you do anything? I
don't want to lose any of you guys on my watch,
all right, So caution, use caution. Oh my god, there
are people outside, and swap get away from the window.
Get awa from the get away the window. Listen, you
should go out there. They're clearly here for you. I
(36:18):
just was told I'm fine, okay, but what if I
called the miscall back? Surely that's that's some good points.
Didn't give it a shot. But otherwise, I don't want
you staying in my home putting me at upstairs. Man,
I'm a father. We were college buddies. Yeah, and then
all of a sudden, just like that, you throw me
out to the wolves. I don't want trouble, and you
showed your true colors. I showed my true colors. I
(36:39):
have a law abiding citizen. So am I. I just
got the law. Whatever happens this, you and I were
not as great as we used to be. Okay, here
we go, bring bring, bring hello, um high, um, I
missed the call. Give it up, Come out willingly. Leave
Kyle there. Don't you dare take him hostage? Okay? Um,
(37:03):
I mean, I just it was a miss. I've I'm okay, right,
I'm gonna be okay. You're fucked in the head. He
called you back. Huh got a damn nerve sick motherfucker
Like that's gonna make everything right? No, kid, So if
I step out willingly with my hands up, will I
be okay? We'll shoot you a lot, shoot me a lot,
(37:25):
a lot. We'll shoot you alive a lot. Okay, then
I uh, I'll be out on one second. That didn't
sound like it went very well, Carl. I'm not leaving.
What do you mean You're not leaving you and your
family at risk? Oh no, no, no, no, no no no.
My kids are asleep upstairs, and I will wake them
up and use them as a human shield. Don't go upstairs.
You come back over, okay, but listen, and you are
(37:46):
you have? You're doing well? Right? You answered the phone.
Maybe you can talk to them for me. My kids
know the guys, I'm killing that motherfucker no matter what.
I don't care if he's holding babies. I don't care
if he's holding squawks by the way, speaking squawks. I
mentioned it. I had a great Hey, everybody, it's me.
(38:07):
I'm Carl. I live in this place. Okay, this is
a good start, Carl. I swear to God, I swear
to God. Listen, I got two kids upstairs, I answered,
We've all got kids, got kids. I'm just saying, maybe
if one of you guys wears my clothes inside of
the building and pretends to be me, you could probably
(38:29):
just you know, deal without without my kids have theen
to get shot over this. Are your clothes that distinctive?
I mean it's plaid of vest and denim jeans. It's
pretty unique. Yeah, but that long hair kind of is
hard to deplicate. I'll cut it. I'll cut it, and
we can tape it. We can tape it onto the
back of anybody that's my same height. Well, Spike is
(38:49):
usually one who goes into cover. It's up to Spike. Yeah,
I'll do it. I'll put on your kids and his hair.
I'll put on your clothes in your hair. Alright, Bike,
if you do this, don't go too deep. No last time, Yeah,
I remember what happened last What do you mean too deep?
He's not going to take over my life, right, He's
been known to do something like that when I go
and I go all the way. Well, maybe one of
(39:10):
you guys should do it then instead. I'm the undercover guy.
He's he's he's the you see listen, I love my kids,
I've really loved my life. I'm pretty successful. Give me
a brief film about your kids. Brian is the son,
Jenny is the daughter. Brian's the older, protective over where
there's a Ryan and a Brian. No no, no, no no, no.
(39:30):
Brian is my son. Jenny is my daughter, two kids,
two kids. My wife is not there. Her name is Brenda. Hey, Brian,
wake up? But what's up? Hey? What's up? Um? Your
dad wants to I want you to come downstairs and
have a pizza party. I just woke up. Come on, Ryan,
(39:54):
got got your pizza, just like uh, just like you
always wanted. Ryan. By the way, thanks for kind of
like changing your tune. Earlier you wanted to kill me,
and now you want to have a pizza party. And
that makes me feel good because you answered the call.
I didn't. But we're still good people. I mean we
are who we are and who I've always been im.
And look at my vest, my long hair. Yeah, dad,
(40:15):
what's on what's on the pizzas? Oh? Yeah, what's on
the pizzas? Just the stuff? Do you like? Uh? You know,
green pepper and pineapple? And I thought you had an analogy.
I'm allegit to peppers and pineapple, pine nuts. It's kind
of a fancy pizza. Okay, so sounds good, right, right dad?
(40:36):
You should know my pizza are better. That's right, that's right.
And just straight up pepperoni. Right, right, that's that's me.
Just follow along with me. Sounds good, sounds good. Where's
your older sister, Jenny younger? Right's right, that's right younger.
Well obvious, I've imagine she's asleep in her room. Yeah,
when'd you go check on her? Yeah, I'll go wake
(40:56):
her up. Brandon, I don't think that's your dad. No ship,
sugar lack. I'm not sure that hair is tight taped
onto his head. Wait what you can see the taping?
I couldn't see ship. It's not convincing at all. Listen
your life and danger. No ship, I figured that much out,
all right, Jennie, what are you coming into the room
(41:18):
where I'm sleeping. Hey, Gingen, it's it's your dad. I've
never heard you call me Gingen. Wait, hold my hair
for a second. Is this your hair? My hair? For all?
I fell off? Hey? You want a pizza party, Kiddoh? Yeah,
I love pizza pop pop? Okay, we got a when
(41:38):
we got a gluten free? What? What's gluten free? Oh?
We got bad news for you. What he's not doing
great on the inside. To blow that whole fucking place. No,
my kids are in there. Yeah, but so was the
guy who didn't answer the calls. Guys, we've got another
guy inside. What who's the other guy? We pulled your daughter,
Jennie out. She's right here, thank god. Oh I love you.
(42:03):
Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Is Brian? Okay? Come on, Jenny,
Come on, Jenny, give your dad a hug. Okay, big huh.
Oh you're crushing me, Jenny while you're doing this to
your dad. Wait, hold on, So we sent in another
guy to hurt our guy. Well, we had that guy
(42:24):
in before. We said the other guy in and he's
even more method than he is. So and this is
all just to clarify. This is all to get the
guy who didn'tser the case right. That's right, because right
now I think he's about to eat some pizza and
just chill. That's six so far. My my real family
is safe. Safe for your son. We don't know what
if we sent in somebody that dressed up to look
(42:45):
like my wife. We're running out of guys. Yeah, I
don't know what I'm saying. Somebody's gotta limited amount of body.
I just gotta get my son out of there. I
don't care about me, I guess I'll go, but I mean,
hold on, hold on. He got a full beard. No,
but you've got good cheekbones. Those are nice cheekbones. But
my wife does not have any beer. I happen to
(43:07):
have a dress. Hey, guys, I'm I'm a little late
to the party. What what am I? What am I missing?
Bring me up to up to speed? You got it?
I called you, guys. You didn't pick up so well,
that's because we're on the on the job. Everybody. Let
me and my daughter just walked out of here. One
(43:27):
of my guns is pointed right daughter. I'm just how
do we know you're who you say you were? And
you're not one of us? But I mean you could
be one of us. Undercover ship. All of our phones
are ringing. If you go for this phone, I'm gonna
plug you. I have to go for the phone. You
have to answer the phone. We have to answer the phone.
We're gonna be criminals. All let's drop the guns on three.
(43:48):
Answer the phones one to three? Do you have to Hello?
I'm Charlie Sheen and this is a group phone call.
I find that I've got a lot better sales call.
All right, I got time for no snow gloves. How
do we end this? Well? I think that maybe all right,
(44:16):
he's dead? Are you dead? Are you you were hit?
You're okay, you're still alive. I'm still alive. Guys. Screamed
because you were shocked, right, because I was shocked. I
was shocked, honestly at what happened. Freeze guys. That's right.
(44:36):
I've been making all the calls. What the calls were
coming from? That's right? Alright, kid, what do you want?
I want a chapper. I want six million pizzas. I
want Tony Hawk to He didn't scream that time you
(45:00):
killed the kid? Yeah, you didn't scream. I wasn't shy. Hello, Hi,
I'm coming out with my hands up. I'm the person
who didn't answer the phone earlier. Jesus Christ. There's so
much blood. Yeah, I guess we should be arresting you,
but so much ship has gone down since then. Look,
(45:21):
next time, answer your call. Okay, hold on, I'm getting
a notification though. Oh it's a news update. It says
that the new law is don't answer the phone, and
it was a confusing law. That makes sense. What do
we do with all this? Uh? Do you clean this up?
Or do I click we have a crew that comes
in and clean it up. What does that pay? It
pays pretty well, actually eighteen an hour. That's good benefits,
(45:42):
I assume. Yeah. Nice, Yeah, what's your number. I'll have
them give you a call. I can't believe we got
to clean up this bullshit. But the pay's already pretty good. Yeah,
I got it. I don't know. I think an honest
day's work is admirable. Frankly, you just oversee us doing
the work well, I mean, speaking of which, get back
(46:04):
to it, get back to no looking to the blood,
no looking to the blood. This is work. But I
think the thing is that it's some of Elia Kazan's
best work. Oh, stop talking about gave Da. I mean,
clearly a face in the crowd is its best Philow granted, granted,
go ahead of its die are watching every Goblin's eve.
(46:27):
And so what happened that day was? I mean, you're
getting married today, So I wanted to tell you the
real story of how your dad and brother died. And
that's that's what went down. I missed a call, and
but look at you now, you're getting married, and I'm
happy to be walking out my makeup run. I'm just crying.
Now this is supposed to be thank you for telling
me the truth, But I just never heard about what
(46:49):
happened to my mom. Oh yeah, I just I don't
even know how she was involved. She wasn't there. Yeah,
I lived with you, another Harvey wallbanger. Miss. Yeah, yeah
you look down. Oh yeah, I'm pretty down. I left
my husband and kids from leather jacket wearing guy and
(47:12):
his head got popped. Does that make sense? That's very crazier.
That doesn't surprise me. This is a crazy bar. Well,
this one's out in the house, all right. I just
think your mom is like an angel wherever she is.
Oh that's really sweet of you. Now, um, I'll be
(47:32):
happy to walk you down the aisle. I don't know, okay, yeah, listen, hey,
I protected to your your entire life. But it sounds
like you killed my You killed my father, not directly,
not directly. You you it was your fault in a way,
in a way. But hey, they know it's bad luck
to see bright before ceremony. But oh, Jenny, you look,
(47:55):
you look, you look, you're practically glowing. Oh stop, don't
don't look at here. It's that luck. Oh hey, look,
look I'm doing the doggie. Uh filter on you you
do smile at that look like dog. You look so excited,
You're just glowing. Yes, yes, I don't have long baby,
(48:18):
so maybe yes, the half life is by the way
I can see through your dress. Nice work, very good,
very good prost roast and that's our show. Thank you
guys for listening on your post Christmas holiday. Let's see
(48:43):
what everybody's up to. Chris Alvarado, everybody, I'm always doing
shows and doing stuff at the West Side Comedy Theater. Also,
we will be at the San Francisco Sketch Festival in January.
Check that out. Please follow me it at Chris Elparado. Yeah,
Craig kick As, Yeah, definitely comes to Alchemy this it's
catch fest. Also be there with the Thrilling Adventure our
having a little reunion showing that James. I just love
(49:07):
the tradition that I'm having of reading my favorite reviews
and these ones are all nice and short, just to
show that you could do it too. Here's one from
Bianca Sierra. This show is absolute best. I wish everyone
knew about it. That's pretty good. And then, last but
not least, today Funny Good Vibes Podcast I'm more than
happy that I found this podcast. Happy customer. You can
(49:30):
find me reading the Apple podcast reviews, so go ahead
and do that. Look for me. There should be your
new video series. Actually, my, that's pretty funny. Do the
review reading. I did check in and that one that
I had mentioned before has not been corrected. Um oh
the one that was four stars. I said, it's like
the best podcast ever four stars. I thought maybe that
(49:54):
person would here, maybe that maybe that has an aired yet. Yeah, yeah, Cole,
Where can we find you? You can find me at
Stratton Cole or at Cole Stratton, depending on the social
media service. You can find me a Westside comedy theater
with Pretty Pretty Pony the first Thursday of the month
at ten pm, along with several of these people in
this room. You can find me an SF sketch Fest,
which I co founded and I met for three weeks
in January. Come see Alchemy this there, comes see Tilling
(50:18):
a Venture our Come see Pretty Pretty Pony. No they're
not there. Uh. Come see theme Park, which is my
touring and prov group that has a lot of awesome
heavy hitters in it. Um, thank you guys for listening.
Let's thank our engineer Doug bab Our, post sound design
artist Raphael Brito, and lastly, I Heart Media Don't Don't.
(50:42):
We encourage everyone to write a review, tell everyone you've
ever met, and write to us at your name here
at alchemy this dot com. That's your name here at
alchemy this dot com. Until next time, Alchemy and go
(51:04):
and a football fell and a football
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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