Drunk Hunters...

Drunk Hunters; New Telemarketers; Boss of tweens;. 

Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey, everyone, welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This
cold Stratton here filling in for Kevin Pollock, who is
recording voiceover for the American Tail reboot The Marvelous Mr. Fible.
It's Christmas Eve, guys, and uh, you know, it's the
best time to listen to a podcast, break away from
your family for a little bit. I think, why not

(00:22):
play it for the family. I mean, some of it
can be offensive, but Grandma's got a great sense of humor. Well,
Joey's not here, so we're probably okay this week. We're
kind of a ragtag team this this week, I think,
because it's Christmas Eve, everybody's already back with their families. Well,
let's meet our alchemists, shall we? In no particular order,

(00:44):
He keeps telling everyone to look to the skies. Craig Kaikowski, Craig,
what's out there? Man? More than you? Everything? And I'm
not I'm just sorring, not just talking about aliens and spacecraft.
I think we're in a matrix situation where what you
think is reality is not reality. Um, but I'm still

(01:05):
going to record the podcast and do a good job.
Appreciate that he's been so busy thinking about whether he could,
but not whether he should. James, he need, he need?
What technology do you for the most? Which is funny
considering we just had a long I'm not afraid of technology.
I will replace bit by bit every piece of my
body until I want to keep my brain. But if

(01:26):
I can upload my brain to the cloud and then
just I'm not afraid and I know I should and
I will. Does that make sense? Yeah, it totally does.
Totally does cloud computing instituture. And finally, he's an expert
at knowing when to hold them and when to fold them,
but not when to walk away. Chris Alvarado, Chris, what's
the most fun for you to gamble on UM slot machines? Frankly,

(01:50):
I just did a quick trip to New Mexico and
I had to stopover in Vegas. I went to the
same slot machine on my way to New Mexico and
on the way back the same one at UH Southwest
Terminal C twenty three. There's a Wheel of Fortune. It's
my favorite slot there and I won both times there
and back. Just pull boom out. That's funny because I

(02:11):
tend to do best at airport wheel of forging machine
and I was reading about it, and they say that
they're actually not as good as casino ones because they
don't need return customers and they're not competing with other casinos.
Yet you and I have found success, I guess. So
there you go, get a game of zero skill. There's
so many better you'd be better at gambling, whether or
not you could flick a penny. And it took me.

(02:31):
It took me twenty seconds to win sixty dollars because
I was timing it because I wanted to see how
fast I can repeat that, repeat that again. I can
go into a poker match and walk away with extra
sixty bucks every time. You're there for hours. Yeah, but
I'm there for hours five dollars an hour at HAP
and then I cash out and I walk away. I
guess the cash out button is to get it. But

(02:53):
we'll have fortune is fun because when you land in
that spin and also lets the entire airport know that
you're about the spin. This will fortune. It's kind of
the best thing ever. Maybe I'll play a slot. I
hate slots Alchemy. This is brought to you by we

(03:13):
all have Fortune slots. Well, we'd like to invite you
to become a v I P member on our new
Patreon page. There's bonus episodes not available to non members.
There's a phone number left just for our vaps where
you can leave us a message, be at a request, question, whatever,
and we'll reply at a regular video Q and as
with the Alchemists over at Kevin's Place, which are only
available to v I p s. It's all kinds of

(03:34):
cool ship, so please join our super core fans by
going to Patreon dot com slash alchemy this. That's Patreon
dot com slash alchemy this all right. All today's scene
suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails. If you'd like
to submit yours, please write to the podcast at your
name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your name
here at alchemy this dot com. Hey Alchemists, my name

(03:56):
is Attila and I live in Transylvania. But I'm not
a vampire Records. Sadly, I used to listen to your
podcast when I play on my computer, but I couldn't
get my full attention. Now I only listen while driving
this one. I can fully concentrate on your hilarious scenes
and absolutely nothing else. Maybe driving here's my scene suggestion.
A bunch of drunk hunters are bragging about the greatest prey,

(04:19):
always trying to top one another by making up new
species and monsters. Many thanks for existing. Attila definitely not
a vampire. Yeah that's fresh. Let me see pack that
up here, smell that. I know it's poop. Yeah, that
is fresh. It's probably you can't be much longer, so
we see it in person. Yeah. Here, take a sip
of this. Oh that's strong. It's fresh. It's fresh, and

(04:42):
it's strong. Is that you're in? No? Who it's moonshine? Oh? Yeah, yeah,
for sure. Would you really think I was? Oh? I
you thought I was? Awye? No? Do you have any
urine to splash on ourselves? Not to waste? Yeah, but
I got I have a couple of pumps and just
let me put some on my neck a couple are well,
let me do it for you. All right now, I'm
gonna spray into the air and then you walk the root. Okay,

(05:04):
are you sure? Yeah? Just I'm gonna spray two pumps
and then you just walk through it. You don't want
to be doused in it? All right? All right? There
we go, there you go, there you go. Here, let
me spear your neck. Okay, yeah, did you get out there?
Come closer. I'm as close as I can, but I

(05:25):
need to bury my face right in your neck here
this yeah, here, I mean when we're safe. I mean,
what are your girls hunting for? Oh? We're not first girls. Yeah,
we're mad and we're not since you know, just regular hunting.
I think we're sniffing each other. Well, I mean it's

(05:48):
it seems weird because you didn't see the context, but
I just we put on dear ear and staggurin yeah,
Stagg currant. Yeah, what you all hunting for? Well? Probably
probably Stagg probably from but also like we're not against
like if we see like a rabbit, right or something.
I'm kind of new at hunting. He's showing me around
and this is my third time, so i've been here before.
Oh yeah, your third time, yes, sir, So I think

(06:11):
I know a thing or two about the woods. He's
been showing me around and it's working good. Can you
smell the dear yearine I put on myself. Now you
wreak of it. There you go, thank you, There you go? Right, um,
And as you know, you seem to be a grizzled man.
You probably spent some time out here. I've been literally
holding his hand. You know how that goes when you
hold someone's hand. Yes, I like to hunt alone. Oh wow, wow? Yeah, sorry, boys,

(06:37):
I've probably bagged every twelve point buck in these woods.
Well we're not a post. That's okay, there's probably I
was hoping to get something. We get a ten point.
I got the ten points as well. Okay, Well, I
mean listen, I don't know five point six point. I
can't go home with nothing. What can I get you something?
And hey, you're going home with an experience? Yeah, it's

(06:57):
just I've never shot anything. Look at this rag tag
team a hunters. Hey, foul, that's how you're doing there? Hey, hi,
hello Campbell. Hey, what's going on? Mitch? Find anything good
this afternoon? Now? Just these guys, what's your hunt for?
Stag dear? Ten points? Well, honestly, any points at this point? Yeah,

(07:22):
you guys know each other. Yeah, we've been hunting these
same ones for many years. That right, not together, no, no,
apart apart. Got a little bit of a healthy competition,
if you get what I'm saying. That's right. Oh wow,
we we don't. We don't compete really, No, I just
I'm just trying to learn. Then, what's the gun? Damn

(07:43):
Jesus Christ. That's right. You gotta push each other though,
that's all we do. I just thought it was safer
to go out with somebody, and I've never fired. Don't
let them tell you otherwise. One of us got shot.
And what if you get cold? You know? Yeah, I
can warm you up. It's pretty cool. Whoa Jim, Jim, Jim?
Just look over the ridge. Look over the ridge right there.
You're still good? What is it? What's a ridge? You

(08:03):
see it? It's like the mountaintop, but it's not quite
a mountain. First of all, you're looking you're looking down.
Look up, look up. Okay, you're so smart. Sorry, I've
just I've felt you see that? Oh my god? What
is that? What is it? Um? What do you see?
I see the tree? I see trees between the trees.

(08:24):
What do you use the thing that's moving? I don't know.
It looks like a dog body, but it's got a
long neck. I mean, I'm just sorry. Is it a dog?
Is it a dog body with a long neck? I
don't know what that is. It's okay, it's cold, it's cold.
It's getting cold. That boys, is a fox sorine? What

(08:46):
half fox half wolverine? That's right? Wait what a fox sorine?
And the fox is already on to you and moved on.
That's right. And you know what, it doesn't forget it
felt your fear. It will be when you least expected.
I wasn't. I wasn't afraid. It felt it. It knows
your face, it knows your smell, it knows you're coding

(09:08):
and deer yurine, I'm not coddox Yeah, okay, alright, so
first four pumps at least? Okay, Look, I didn't I've
never heard of a fox arene. I didn't know those
existed out here. Is there anything else that we should
be aware of? Anything? Maybe you've shot that's a little odd?

(09:28):
Oh wow, man, this also it's a wonderful creature here
in the wood. Ut odd. I'm trying to think pretty
much standard stuff. Fox Ane. That's not standard y to
every zoo in California. I've been to the zoos in
Chicago Land area and one in in North Dakota. I've
never heard of a fox marine fox serene. Yeah, fox

(09:49):
fox ane, fox Ane. I mean, you guys are clearly
new to hunt, you would have bagged a bunch of
fox just like. Well, one time I caught a squirrel
in a in a cage, but I kind of squirrel
and a raccoon, and I was thinking like, oh what
if what if they made it, then it would be
a squirrel? Can you tried to get them to mate

(10:10):
for a long time? I know? Well, no, my pets,
so it worked out. Okay, squirrel coon, that's just silly.
Don't make up. There are skucks out here, that's yeah,
it's a squirrel duck hybrid. Have you seen those everywhere?
Haven't you? Have you ever seen the scut I don't
even know what that is? Squawk, squawk, squawk? Well no, okay, wow,

(10:31):
so all right, all right, well hold on, you want
to see one. I got a squawk call. I can
do that. Oh my god? Yes, what's this guy called
a squawk? An? What's that? S guy? What is that? God?
That looks like a chart? He's rather they're flying overhead, gosh,

(10:52):
right next to the ridge. Now you bet already yourself
to fire, because once again, these they can know faces
and they will follow you home. What they're so aggressive?
They're smart too. Well, look, we appreciate all your help
and let me just Steve, I don't want to come
across offensive. But there's two of them. I've got a
couple hundred dollars. Don't say I've got a couple hundred dollars.

(11:15):
Stop by the buffet on the way home. What if
you took what if you each took one of us
under your wing? I mean, Steve, I know that you're
much better than me, but look at these guys have fun.
I don't know squaws, fox sernes. I want to get
something to show my wife. Why do you keep bringing
her up? By the way? Is we get it? You're

(11:36):
in love? Well, I'll take this hundred and camera. You
take that, Oh man, it's kind of a coin flip.
I'll take the one and coded in all the year
and thank you. Well bye. I guess I mean we're
going to meet back up. It's not like maybe maybecents happen.
Don't accidents happen? Not if you plan well, shouldn't. Well,

(11:57):
all right, I'll take the one the pink shoes. Can
I get a hug? Of course you can. I don't
care if we're abandoning each other. I wouldn't be here
if it wasn't for you keep telling yourself about Okay,
keep them alright, alright, kiss on the cheek. It's like
European thing. We'll meet back here in this meadow right

(12:19):
next to the ridge and say ninety minutes. Yeah, let's
say a hundred and thirty hours. What wait what hold on?
Hold on, hold on, hold on. That's military time. Oh oh,
I don't even actually okay, all right, that's ninety minutes
from now. Okay, great, great, So right now it's two pm,
so we're don't you worry about. My watch has no signal.

(12:42):
We'll get you back here forest time. We understand it,
all forest time. Okay, alright, well, good luck, all right, ready,
of course, come come quiet now, alright, don't don't step
on all that. You gotta keep quiet, all right, trying
to keep quiet. I'm tiptoeing. Oh get dun, get up,

(13:03):
get up. Okay, look a look at the right behind
that tree. You see that, huh you see that? It
looks like it could be a person. That's a Barrett.
Are you sure? Yeah, it's staff Ferrett. It's a Barrett
all right. Now. It's cute, but it is vicious. Al right, well, yeah,
of course, but here's how you buy one of these
things to get super low. Then you get up and

(13:24):
then you talk about your favorite book that one trigue it,
and then use a little bit of buckshot here, right,
just take your shot, don't. I don't have a gun
that uses this kind of AMMO. Here he's mine, Okay, okay,
all right, quality, Now get up? Favorite book you got.

(13:44):
I'm a big fan of the Barrenstein Bears. Uh, you
know what, that's a lie. That's a kids book. I
was just trying to communicate with you. I wanted to
make it his favorite book. John tys at the end
it's that's a really good book about it all. Uh,
there's a different world of shadows and you can get down.

(14:10):
What do we do it? Catholic like the book, and
capolic like the book. Basically, I don't want to spoil anything,
but John ties at the beginning, and it turns out
he was actually alive and it's more dimensional travel. I
think I bored him. You keep going, you want some
beavens and jerky h half beaver half medicine? Is that

(14:33):
safe to eat if you take antibiotics? Yeah, of course
I'll get you at safety. Yeah, okay, great, Wow, pretty good.
Jerked it myself? Oh wow, Oh, jerked it. That's the
that's the process on the jerking. We're gonna be up

(14:53):
here on this blind for a while. Look, I gotta
come clean. This is my first time hunting. Uh yeah,
I knew it. You could tell. Yeah, you said three times,
you don't have the dead look in your eyes that
somebody who's only three times would have. Well I might
not have dead look in my eyes, but my heart
doesn't feel so great. Yeah, what's the matter? Hung up

(15:18):
on your boyfriend? I wish, I wish we were friends
in high school and we didn't talk much in college
and reach out to him via Facebook rekindle things. But
turns out he's happily married. And what was that noise?

(15:39):
What is it? The mic? It sounds like crying. Maybe
it's a crying Maybe it's like a crying coyote. It's
kind of crying coyote. Okay, there's no crying coyotes of
this place. Okay, Well, maybe it's laughing. Maybe it's a

(16:04):
laughing a laughing bear, laughing bear, laughing bear. Okay, there
are laughing bears in these parts, but not this time
of year. What the hell could that be. I can't
place it. It sounds like it's mocking you. Okay, good
hind a mocking bird. It feels two on the nose. Yeah,

(16:26):
it's two on the nose. Um a sarcastic. Now you're
just making sure I don't know. My heart is not
in the right place right now. Hey, you think if
I think, if I took off all my clothes and
right into the woods, I'd be Okay. What if you

(16:47):
have to live here for a while, No, you wouldn't
last two hours. I might know you wouldn't hear that.
I could follow the sound, follow it forever. Somebody's aunts,
the maiden call of what what is the what? Why? What? What? Why?
Do you come out here? Just a hunter? I'm hoping

(17:13):
to murder Cameron, the other hunter? Hunter? Are you guys enemies?
Didn't you hear where? Rivals? But rivals but not like
you want to kill each other. No, I want to
kill him. Would you jerk him? What? Would you would

(17:38):
kill him and jerk him? Yeah? Look, I can't predict
the future, but I make there's a good likelihood if
I did kill him, I'd have to jerk him. Yeah, yeah,
that makes sense. Alright, let's take this kill back to
the rist. I'm so excited to show you a friend.
I can't believe this. This is great. It's a fair

(17:59):
Faret Barrett. Yeah, oh cool. I don't know how we're
going to carry this. This is yes, but it's not you. Look,
I'll get the front legs here, you take them back. There,
We got this. It's fine. I'm I'm so proud of you.
Have you ever shot a fairer? Barrett? I'm so sorry.

(18:23):
I'm just their first faret, second Barrett Barrett. Okay, it
just seems like it would be better if it was
a fair bear. It sounds like, oh look who things
on and out. I'm sorry, it's faret. I didn't name
the genis it did? All right, okay, all right, here
we are. Oh it's about time they should be here
at a moment. Now. I don't understand why they're they're not.

(18:45):
Do you think you could wear this as a Onesia
type thing? I've seen as long as you eat the meat,
you gotta respect to kill. Of course, what part of
this do you eat? Okay, you got your sights on him. Yeah,
now you're telling me this is going to say my friend. Alright, alright,
but I just want to make sure that if I

(19:06):
do this, it's gonna send the man of my dreams
into my arms. Look, this man is a world class hunter.
He's gonna be on us in seconds. Okay, okay, steady, steady.
Had you been down there and go ahead and start
skinning the beasts of your friend? I thought he did that,

(19:32):
you son of a bitch. I see what's going on
on me. You're okay? Okay, So I got a gunshot
wound the chest. Yeah, but that's that's that's you know,
you know what's in the chest of the heart, and
you know the heart is the strongest muscle in the body. Yeah.
The tongue, no, no, no, it might be okay, what

(19:55):
do we do? What do we do? I'd say make
peace with each other? Peace with each other, because he's
leading out right now. All right, I want you to
take care of my wife. I can't do that for you.
What I'm not doing that. Okay, we'll bring back this
this barrot, give it to her is my life. He
did I shot it. Good job, kid. If you mention

(20:16):
your wife again, I can't do anything for you. What
can you do otherwise? I don't know? If you tell
me you love me on your way out. Maybe that
would give me the courage of the inspiration to go
out and do something for you in your name, on
your behalf. But right now you mentioned her again, and
I'm never gonna say it. We lost you. No one's
gonna know you died. Okay, that's it, You're dead. Oh

(20:41):
perky ahead? What that half puma, half turkey. And that's
the first seen that doesn't have the Christmas ending? I
thought it would well had turkey. Some species made it alright.

(21:01):
Second scene, good biddings, alchemists, listeners since day one, and
I and always a riot in a nice break from
the real world to dwell inside. You're sick and twisted,
yet genius minds. My name is Laban. How would you
pronounce it? Actual pronunciation is and it's l A B
A D. And with the name like that, it's always
been fun when telemarketers call on me, and as you

(21:22):
can imagine, I get many other pronunciations on my name
to go as far as one calling me David, which
is just plain lazy to be honest. So seeing suggestion
is as follows. A group of new telemarketers are gathered
for a tutorial on protocol and then set free on
the phones to sell some quacky and weird shit, all
the best Leman, Charleston, South Carolina. Okay, take a look

(21:45):
at your scripts. You will have scripts ahead of you,
all right. Now, we want to encourage you too. We
have to say all these things, yes, all of them. Okay.
As a matter of fact, we want to want to
encourage you to refrain from making it your own. Don't
make it our own. That's right. Just follow us, stick
to the script. That's what we gotta do. That's right. Now.
I know you three your hot shots. You say you

(22:07):
are hot shots, not a lot of community theater, remember, Yeah,
we got you from the theater. Yeah, David, we got
you from NPR. I think it was the Pledge drive. Yeah.
I had a real hot couple of days. Yeah. And uh, well,
I mean you're use your name speaks for itself. I
mean you are the cold calling criminal that's never convicted.

(22:32):
That's all right, all right, Listen, the product here is simple. Okay,
We're selling them things they don't think they need but
definitely want. Right, So that's our angle in Well, there's
a lot of things I want I don't need exactly.
Boom now you're onto it. That's and that's what we're asking.
We're asking you to be comfortable with the materials so

(22:53):
that when you relay it to the people it feels good. Yeah. Okay, Now, um,
I would like to just take turns all just the
very first line of the script, the very first line
of the script. Why don't we start with you? All right? Hi,
my name is good good. Do you have a moment
of time to share with me? Very nice? David? Hi,
my name is Phil in the blank? Do you have

(23:13):
a moment of time to share with me? Who frets
an MPR. I didn't get your name. I just know
you as the cold called in criminal. That's my name,
my given name. Oh wow, c C C C C
C c C alright, triple cee give it to us. Hi,
my name is c C C. Do you have a
moment in time to share with me? Wow? Well, do
we feel that everybody that what he used his real name?

(23:35):
That's okay, that's okay. I was going to use a
stage name. Oh and you can. You can't as long
as it's as long as it's registered with either SAG
after it or equity. Oh oh, I didn't. I am
not I'm not remember. Oh, we're gonna have a stick.
What is your real name again? My real name, real
real name, my real real name, Jacob. Okay, that'll work, Jacob.

(23:55):
I want to go as Charlie Sheen. Understood, understood, it's
not registered. How about this if you ring that best?
She never registered his name with SEGA after. I have
no idea. I didn't know there was already a Charlie Sheen.
It's just my stage name, Charlie. There is an after name,
Charlie Sheen. All right, come on here. This isn't it
meant the best show ever. I'm sure there's a lot

(24:17):
of Charlie's and this isn't the IMDb forum. Gentlemen, yeahs
young guns too much better. Yeah, but he wasn't in that.
It is okay, all right now, I want to direct
your attention to what I feel might be one of
the most important lines of the script. If you look

(24:39):
at the third paragraph, first line, say in bold, it's
in bold, it's in bold. Actually a matter of fact, David,
why don't you go ahead and hit us with that line,
where was the last time you had a snow globe?
So imagine that, where when was it? Where was the
last time? When? When was the last time? It says when?

(25:02):
Where would seem weird? My script says when? Okay, I
think it would be interesting to know where they were,
but maybe when. It's good for sales tactics, and that's
why we brought you here. So when was the last
time you had a snow Charlie? She I've never had

(25:23):
an Okay, we don't tell them. That's that's one here
I can have so that I can really that's a
great question, And what help if there was a sample
here that we can look at? Absolutely not, absolutely not.
Not all the products shall enter the sales room. Okay,
it's gonna be hard to really pitch this if I
don't know what it's like to hold a snow glow. Listen, Charlie,

(25:46):
have you heard of the saying snow globes are for closers? Yeah? Okay,
very common saying what I'm saying. So let's apply that here.
How many do I have to close? Just one? If
you bring that belt three times in one week, your
life's gonna change. And I bring it every time I
go to Wait a second, we're only going to average
three snow globes a week? How much are these store

(26:10):
clob Well, that's for us to know and for them
to find out. And if you go to the very
bottom line, the very last line, oh boy, that's expensive.
But it's got real snow, real snow. Really, how does
that work? It doesn't melt in the wall. It certaly does. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

(26:32):
So it's snow that's been converted water form, but at
one point it was snow exactly. We are bringing a
genuine experience here. Well, with Christmas coming up, we should
be able to soli of these. That's what I'm thinking.
I'm thinking three a week. I don't want to be
a downer on the Christmas season, but tomorrow's Christmas. If

(26:52):
they order them, how are we ever going to get
it to them. It's a good time to be called
calling people right now. They're with their families, are distracted,
sitting around waiting for a call. Well, if you guys
are filling up to it, what if we go ahead
and make our first call right now? Why do you
keep looking at me? You want me to make the

(27:13):
first call? I see potential in you look triple see.
His name speaks for himself, David David David npr over here,
I mean he raised by himself. How much money was
that pledge from NPR listeners? So there you go. All right,
So this book here is just all of these numbers

(27:36):
are viable. Yes, yes, well that's the other thing. Um,
not only other either, they are they viable. They are strong,
strong leads because I personally know everybody who you're going
to call. This is from my content. Oh no, oh no,
you know a lot of people. So this is pretty
warm here, pretty warm. Now, some ex girlfriends, some people

(27:59):
I'm currently dating. My dad's on that list. So I
know these people. I know what's inside their mind. Sure
we let them know that we know you? Or is
that a secret? I think it's a secret. Wow, I
think you're an actor. Yeah, so hold that secret inside
and that's going to inform the way you deliver these lines.
Will wow. Okay, I'll just pick up the phone, all right,

(28:21):
don't no, don't don't do that stuff. I was starting,
don't do that, but I like to makes don't hang
the phone, hanging the phone, I don't just starting Okay,
called hung up. But there was clearly somebody on the line,
which is good. So now that you've piqued the curiosity,

(28:44):
is that what you were alluding to. It definitely call
that same number back. Okay, just this time. No, none
of the sounds. Okay, it's hard because I got this. Okay, okay,
see so you still made noise? I ringing most it's ringing. Okay, Christmas?

(29:07):
Hang alright, wants to spend Somebody answered and said Merry Christmas.
They seemed like they were in the spirit. But you're
not in this spirit. Don't make the noise and you dial?
I can't do it. Could somebody dial for me? All right?
Same number? Trip'll see you're on a shareth Here we go. Booooooopoo.

(29:28):
You don't have to make make any noise. I were celebrating.
Somebody else doing it for me. Watch this m H.
Franklin residents, Happy Holidays. Hi, this is Charlie sheen At.
Do you have a moment of time to spend with me? Yeah?
I am the actor. Do you know of me? Yeah?

(29:50):
My god? What what I'm I'm not cut up on
two and a half men? How does it turn out?
What are you talking? I've never I don't know what
that is. Anyways. Uh, it's it's nice to meet a fan. Um.
I'm I'm currently working on guys and dollars. But that's
not going to come out until next Anyways, masters, I'm

(30:12):
just part of the course line. He's on the phone.
It's a telemarketer. Look, I'll be honest. I I'm an actor.
I'm an actor. But you're trying to sell me something, right. Yeah.
Actually that's a good thank you, that's a great transition
my script. Actually, my oldest son is in telemarketing, and
so you know, he's he's done nothing with his legs.

(30:34):
He's really pathetic. But your oldest son, yeah, he's a
he's a he's pathetic. Yeah. Oh well, I'm really sorry
to hear the real snow. Okay, so here's the thing.
We've got snow globes. Have you ever had when's the
first time you had a snow globe? The first time? Where?
Where is where? Where's the first snow globe you've got?

(30:57):
Where is it? Where did I get it? Or where
did I have? Where is it? Now you have it with?
You know? Well it look tomorrow is Christmas. Like, if
you're gonna send me a snow globe, tomorrow is Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Happy holidays, thank you, and thank you. Look,
if you're gonna sell me a snow globe. You should
have got me two weeks ago, because I've alred, We've

(31:17):
already decorated the place. I've already bought all the gifts. Yeah,
this is gonna be good next year because it's got
real snow. Can drive it to him tonight, and we
got a guy here that can drop it off at
your at your house. Don't clog up the line. I'm
expecting a call from Amelia Estevez. Okay, my my son's
expecting a call from your brother. So I don't have
a brother. What what are you talking about? That's why

(31:39):
you have different last names. Huh Okay, I gotta go bye.
I think he's gonna get it. He'll probably call back later.
Great sales call. That was pretty good. I didn't even
need the script. That was nice to have because it
made me. He went off script the bad I did
notice that. I noticed that too, But you know what
it was working for him. It's probably that community theater train. Yeah,
I think so. Yeah, I'm proud. You know. It was weird.

(32:01):
Apparently his son was already in our seame type of
job and it's a complete failure. What that's me? You're
his son? Yeah, that was my dad. I'm so sorry,
he said his dad was on the last He did
say that, I guess I should have put it together.

(32:21):
What are the odds at the first call there straight
to his dad? Well, the odds are pretty good because
it's the only number on that list. I noticed that
you're not dating several people at all, are you. I've
never dating anybody in my life, So wait a second.
We're all just gonna take tarret's calling your dad. But

(32:45):
you hard to sell three globes a week when our
client list is literally just your dad. But think about it.
If you sell your dad free, so that almost nine
hundred parts, why did you print it so many times?

(33:07):
I don't call him. I can't. I can't triple bring
the magic? Okay, get my culture say. I don't think
I could call it. I think uh holidays Franklin residents. Hey, Hi,
this is Triple C. Do you have a few minutes
to spend with me? Your two Triple C R the

(33:29):
wrestler c C C. Okay, is this there's another sales call,
isn't it. I wouldn't call it a sales call as
an opportunity for you to get something wonderful. This holiday
c snow globe. Right, that's right, and not just any
snow globe. This globe has real snow in it. Did
wait before you ask, how does that work? We're not sure.

(33:52):
That's why it commands the price of two Jesus Christ. Seriously,
but it's real snow. We've reduced the price. It's Black Friday,
so we're peeling back prices. It's not before, it's not black,

(34:15):
it's Christmas Eve. Well for us in the telemarketing community,
it's Black Friday. When where where we're When was the
last time you enjoyed a snow globe? Where? Uh? And when? Um? Look,
I I probably have not thought about snow globes and years.
Let me add another debut. Why? Well, I guess it

(34:38):
is fun to turn them upside down and watch the snowfall.
This has no snow falling because it just the snow
has already fell. This is a post apocalyptic snow globe,
and it's a warning side that if we don't fix
our environment, things will change. People will see this on
your mantel and Guilt's conversation starter. Okay, Well, I would

(35:01):
think even if you're doing a post apocalyptic snow globe,
it could be like nuclear ash that's falling instead of snow.
That's true. Look, that's I know. It's Christmas time. You're
gonna be visited by three telemarketers. Jesus right, did Brandon
put you up to this brand? Did? Whose brand? Did
my son Brandon like? He? He did? Boy? Does he

(35:22):
have your best interests at heart? Because this snow globe
is one of a kine. Okay, I can deliver it tonight.
They can be delivered tonight. That's extraordinary on Christmas. Eat. Look,
my son is expecting a call from the more talented
Sheen sibling. Okay, a medios. Yes, he was so good
in Young Guns too. Yeah, and uh and the Mighty

(35:47):
Ducks series. That's true. Quack quick quick, Okay, Well, you
consider my offer, and the third telemarketer will close the deal.
Clost the deal, I do. Wow, Wow, great sales call.
Set it up for you, David. Now you go, I've

(36:08):
got to close the deal. I've never sold anything about
forty bucks in my life. This is this is, this
is laid out for you right here, right now. All right,
all right, hey, can we give him a little, a
little a little picktile four? No sounds or never mind
never mind, David, before you call, you've all gathered. This

(36:34):
is my father who doesn't want to see me. Is
that right? Yeah? I got bad. So really, whether he
buys a snow clobe or not, it would just be
nice if he wanted me to come to the house tonight.
So what's that Listen, Brandon? Why don't we just go
right to his door with these? Why not just go

(36:54):
to his house? I have nowhere to go for Christmas Eve?
Hello Brandon, Um, Hello sir, My name is him, Mr
Franklin person. I'm Charlie Sheen. If you want any Charlie Sheen,
I can see that, Charlie Sheen. Hi, Hi dad, Um,

(37:18):
it's me Brandon and I brought some brands along and
we would like to know if you wanted to buy
a snow globe tonight. Like I don't want to buy
any snow globes. Okay, but your mom did seat four
extra places at dinner tonight expecting that you'd come by
with your three friends. I do this every year. Almost, Guys,
we're not as friends, yes you are? Yes? Yes, yes,

(37:38):
yes these are my friends. These are these are my friends? Um, Dad,
I promised us commission commission you can write, you're well,
you only get commission on sales, so well we're all
part of this sale exactly, Dad. I don't feel comfortable
stepping inside this house until until you've told me that
you're proud of me. So my friends and I will

(37:58):
sit out here in the cold, and well maybe we
could wait inside for that. My friend I will wait.
It's fine, you guys go inside, go ahead, and I
won't come. Wow, nice place, a really nice place. You
could put snow gloves all over this. Look at the
snow clubs. There's fifty snow clubs. You said you couldn't
remember with the last one. We've decorated the place with

(38:21):
dozens and dozens of snow gloves. He buys my snow
gloves every year. The snow snow in them, not even any.
But there is a in there. There's a family holding
hands around a tree. There's a family holding hands around
the tree. It's really beautiful. Thanks, are you proud of me? Dad?
Come on and Brandon get some need and that's our

(38:44):
seconds Christmas Christmas? So we had people shooting things and
snow gloves added to the Christmas cannon. There. It is
all right? Are last seen today? Hello? Alchemists. I want
to start by saying how grateful I am to have
discovered this hysterical podcast. You guys make my cross country

(39:07):
trips so much more enjoyable than it already was, as
well as distracting me from the fact that I was
almost completely broke most of the time. I gotta say,
when I looked at pictures of you all, I was
surprised to see how attractive everyone looks in real life
as opposed to how I pictured everyone based on their voices.
Cole looks exactly how I imagined him. I do love you, Cole. Thanks.

(39:29):
I don't know what that means. I got a face
for radio. I used to run a chainsaw crew, so
I'm not remember mind. I'm good with whatever you did.
Uh So my suggestion is this an ill prepared fell
boss is given charge of a group of children slash
tweens who have no idea what they're doing. By some miracle.

(39:49):
You pick my email. I will be so happy and
probably shout with joy when I hear it in my car.
Thank you, you beautiful, beautiful, nutty people. Eli. We all

(40:23):
fired up, guys, Uh yes, sir, Yeah, I fired up.
I'm fired up A mile chainsaw seems to like pretty
low on either gasoline or electricity. I don't know, Wolf,
I'm gonna be able to go all the way through it.
Don't run on electricity, run on gas. I didn't see
a plug, but I don't know. I don't I also

(40:44):
want to be a plug. I've never filled this thing
with with with any electricity. I've never filled it with
gasoline for that matter of reason. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
me either. Well, we gotta cut down these trees, big
one Christmas trees. Right, we're doing a good work for everybody.
Well not for the trees, but no, not for them

(41:08):
the dying Jesus. You took this job, you knew what
it entailed. Well, I don't have to like it. Well,
let's get those chainsaws primed. Well, what if we were
to use considering that it's better for the environment. I've
got a hand ACKs. I like that sound of that,
and it doesn't need electricity and it doesn't need guess lad, Well, uh,

(41:31):
hand acts will do the job, but it will take
about ten times as long. Yeah, we don't need a
hipster lumberjack out here, your analog. Come on, cut it
down with the tools you are giving. Go, go, go,
go go. I don't know. I just um, something about

(41:52):
this doesn't feel right. What the trees are alive, aren't
they Well, they're living things, but they don't have feelings. Well,
if we just looked for trees that already fell, Oh,
I like that idea. That would save a lot of
time and chop them. Well, good luck. If you can
find some trees that already fell. They're waiting to just
go out there for the Christmas tree lots, and by

(42:12):
all means do so. There's one right here. It's not
very big. It's really just more of a brand. It's
like a Charlie Brown tree. There. It's but if you
prop it up right and put some ornaments on it,
it's a Christmas tree. Did you bring ornaments with you?
I mean I had a couple. I didn't specifically bring
him for this, But it turns out that they seem

(42:33):
to be in the right place at the right time.
How do you know the trees don't have feelings? Uh, look,
we don't think about that, all right, you guys A
better suit if a snow globe marketing? Alright, why don't
we think about that? Why don't we think about that?
Because then it would make our job near impossible. Honestly,

(42:56):
I think he raises a really good point, like, I
don't know how a cat feels, but I certainly wouldn't
chop one in half ornaments on it. But if you
found a dead cat in the alley, you'd be fine.
Stuff it, do whatever you want with it. But these
trees are still up, and I don't know how they
feel about being cut down. Look, this forest is overgrown anyway, right,

(43:19):
we gotta gotta clear some room. Overgrown, says who. I
don't know the forest boss. I don't know about that.
Have you have you ever asked the trees how they
felt about this whole situation? Well, no, I haven't. Well
it seems like a good place to start. Well, why
don't you go ahead? Well, maybe I just will turn

(43:42):
him off, turn him off, let me talk to him. Okay,
can you guys hear me over there? Hello? Mr or mrs.
Don't assume gender. That felt weird. I felt weird. I
feel like I'm off to the run nothing. I'm got
to just come up with the perfect idea. Instead of

(44:05):
chopping days down, we invite families to come to the
trees and decorate them. And when they bring Santa Claus
isn't real. When they bring the presents out at night,
they hide them under these trees, and each family goes
to their designated trees and they just celebrate outdoors where
the trees are. We're at least twenty miles from any development.

(44:26):
All the better at night it gets to like thirty
below out here. Okay, well they won't be out there
at night. Maybe we'll get a separate delivery service to
put the presents there and in the morning it will
warm up once the sun rises. No, really, it's just
get down the trees. Hold on, hold on, hold on,

(44:49):
hold on, hold on. Can we at least can we
at least think about which tree is the worst tree?
Maybe which one is the bad tree? You know, got
a bad attitude. I don't want to say, because it's
going to complicate things a lot. But this tree has
a family of birds in it. Well, no, I think
that's great, So I think it would be a good tree.
We should chop this one down. At the very least,

(45:10):
we should move on to we're cutting down the tree
that has the birds in it. No, No, that's where
we're standing now. Look up? Whoa I mean, I mean,
just like a human being. Surely some of these trees
deserve to die. I agree. I mean there's a lot
of humans we know that deserve to die. Well, I

(45:32):
mean there's that one over there that had some fire
damage from the fire that, yeah, kill me. It almost
seems to be whispering, please kill me. I'm getting a
sense you're getting that. I am hearing a little something.
You don't. Let's take that burnt tree and cut it down. Okay,
although I wonder if this people will want to buy

(45:53):
a burnt tree. Of course they will. It was an
evil tree. Please kill evil tree. You got burned? Oh?
I was good? Yeah, you're right. This tree looks evil
as fuck. Oh my god, Dad, what is this tree?

(46:17):
I don't know, son, but something bad is vibrating off
of it. Well, why did you bring it home like that? Here?
Take the ornaments? Put those down, Sarah? What are you doing?
The tree? Chose me two eyes. I'll call up a lass.

(46:38):
What are you bidding? What do you want for Christmas?
If you've been a good boy? Oh boy, yeah, I
guess tree? What shall I do? Start with them? Take
the world by storm? Sarah? Uh, you're caring me. I'm
gonna be honest, you broke a lot of glass ornaments

(46:59):
and my feet are I must start with you. I
think he's possessed by the tree. That can't exactly right,
that's exactly right. Okay, Well what happens? The tree can't
be violent, but I can be. What's like? Look angry? Okay?

(47:19):
Why don't we just get out the chocolate covered pretzels?
I'm hungry. Don't put it, Sarah. I think goodness year
back to normal. I kind of like you better when
you're possessed by the tree. Tree. I think that might
be a phone call. I think the tree's phone is right. Hello, Hi,

(47:44):
this C C C. Do you have a few minutes
to spend with me? What's this regarding when was the
last have you enjoyed a snow globe? I don't know
what that is? Well, it's it's a globe. Let me
hand you off to my colleague, Charlie Sheen. Hi, it's
me Charlie Sheen. Why would I know you from? Well?

(48:07):
I was in last year's Well, I was in last
year's Oklahoma. I played one of the farmers. Uh. This year,
I'm going to be a chorusman in Guys and Dollars
at the Community theater a chorus man. Well, that burnt
tree shirt did sell, sure did sell. Yeah, yeah, that

(48:30):
was wrong. It sold right away, Yeah, right away. It
would have thunk, but it worked. Well. I mean, I
don't know what do we do now. Well, I know
that this is probably just rumor. But I was told
that the whole forest here's fucking haunted. Uh well, I'll

(48:51):
tell you what I told my wife. It wasn't the
forest boss. I think he's trying to hode it from us. Honestly,
it was my my kids said that, oh, all the
kids know that this forest is haunted, which the kid larry,
there is a little fucking liar. That's not true. Well,
oftentimes a lot of kids live. He told me he

(49:11):
caught a Barrett once that you know what, Okay, he
was lying there. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, it's true,
so many suns. I'd be fine cutting down all these
evil trees. In fact, I think that it might be
good to just burn the whole bunch. Want to burn
the whole fucking forest? Tunes change, Well, I know it

(49:34):
was an evil forest. I didn't know either. Again, our
job was to provide Christmas trees for the town. I
don't know how burning the whole forest is gonna out. Well.
In some ways, we're saving Christmas because we're getting rid
of the evil and making room for joy. But maybe
we can do both provide Christmas trees and cutting down

(49:55):
these trees. But then we're back to square one. How
do we know which trees are evil? I think that
they're all tainted if they cut under our plan. We've
gotta be careful. The evil trees can't possess people. Yeah,
that's true. I never heard that. That's vere that's established
for shore. Yeah, oh my god, that's cannon. Yeah, it's

(50:28):
half your no Christmas trees. I have cut down two
humans for us to celebrate under with four together. I
want to open them and see the presents they have inside.
Not till tomorrow morning, but I'm excited to see what's inside.

(50:52):
Let's sing with joy. Uh Stanning bombs. Stanning bombs are trees.
That feels good. That did feel good. Now let's go
around and say one thing we're looking forward to in
the new year, the thaw. Oh yes forward. Do you

(51:17):
have any personal resolutions? Resolutions? I would like to get deeper.
I would like deeper roots. Yeah, that's good. That's good.
That's good. I'm looking forward to shedding some pine needles
and releasing some sap. You say that every year, you
say that every year, and yeah, I always do well.
I don't know. I think you could shed a little more.
I'm not trying to be rude here. Oh I need

(51:38):
to shed a little more, A little fluffy. You're a
little fluffy. I'm looking forward to in the spring when
the squunks get their funk on on my branches. Oh,
you dirty fuck. It's so erratic, you're that's a dirty fuck. Well,
you know what my wishes every year, then I'll be
cut down. That's my a shore every year. And nothing, uh,

(52:02):
nothing's happened so far. One day, one day, one day.
I just want to I want to be a yule log.
I want to be a Christmas tree. I want to
be a branch in someone's Honda Civic to make it
smell a little more piney. You know, dad, what's this tree?
Is there gonna be any better? Yeah? Hopefully. And I

(52:23):
just want to apologize for the way I acted, although
it doesn't seem to affect you one way or the other.
Whatever did they get me an oculus? Okay? Well, before
we go there, can we appreciate this tree for a moment?
Want at an oculus for Christmas? Okay, we don't have
room for an oculus. There's no room for fire. You
would have to be stayed on. We'd be tethered, you'd

(52:44):
be you know your mom's you'd be. How do you
wanna get that? I don't I'm not expected. Just go
go come in the door. Okay, okay, okay, Hello Mary
Holidays delivery. Got a grateful of snow globes. We didn't
order any. It says right here, It says right here,
tree ordered these snow globes. Oh well that that I do.

(53:07):
Recall you know what I do. Recall a treemaking in order.
Where do I sign? I sign right here? Oh my god,
that's a lot of money. Charlie Sheen is gonna be
grateful for the commission three worth the snow globes. Oh
my god. We can't afford this. Well we can if
we don't get the oculus. Yeah, I'm sorry. No, here
we go, Thank you? Mr. How it is? Well? I

(53:31):
say these are all yours? But oh so this is good?
Is like three sixty degree virtual reality? Well you're certainly
not tethered. Isn't that right? You're not tethered, and it's
like two hundred and seventy degrees all except the bottom.
You can explore, put your put your face up really
close to it. There's no they're not even snow in these.
There's not snow in these. Okay, hold on, go get

(53:52):
the door. Can I go? Marry Christmas and happy everyone?
That's our show. Uh, let's see what everybody's up to
on this fine holiday. Chris Alvarado. Oh, I'm just feeling

(54:15):
grateful and thankful. I love you all, Thanks for listening.
Happy holidays, everybody. Follow me at Chris Alvarado for some
really rich holiday stories on I G. Yeah. Craig Katkowski,
Merry Christmas everyone, Uh, follow me on at Kikowski on Twitter,
see Kikowski on Instagram. Yeah, James Any, Happy all the
holidays to you. I just want to take a moment

(54:36):
to say sometimes reviews aren't intricate and heart that you
can just get them done in seconds once it's hilarious.
I really enjoy this podcast. That's mince Millie via Apple Podcast.
She's from the United Orki's from the United States or
something else. Really simple. Just love you all cheesy way
see via Apple Podcast. Oh that was it so just
It seems like the comments are simple, but the names

(54:57):
are a little more difficult. The names are difficult, but
I'm not going to complain about the names understood. The
go ahead and for your holiday season, fill your your
heart with warmth by making a nice, simple review. Yeah
that's a gift you could give us that costs zero money,
only costs a tiny bit of time unless you pay
by the by the killer bite of James. All right,
I don't know. I was trying to. I'm trying to

(55:18):
be the devil's advocate cabin eiser. What about you? Where
can we find you? Cole? You can find me at
Stratton Cole or at Cole Stratton depending on the social
media service. I can find me a West Side comedy
theater a lot pretty Pretty Pony which involved several of
us here the first Thursday of the month at ten
o'clock pm. And uh, since it is Christmas, maybe get
the president's tickets to s F Sketch Fest just coming

(55:40):
up January nine. Through alchemy, this will be there as well,
so check that out. Yeah, let's thank our engineer Doug
may Our post sound design artist Raphael Brito and lastly,
I Heart Media. We encourage you all to write a review,

(56:02):
tell everyone you've ever met, and write to us at
your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your
name here at alchemy this dot com. Until next time,
Alchemy this