June 6, 2019 • 54 mins
Passengers onboard a ship to America in 1905 share dreams and fears… The rise up the business office chain of command is made easy for a pair of new employees because the competition is historically weak… We take it for granted that our pets don’t judge us. That ends today…
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This once again
taking the reins of this runaway sled, is me Cole
Stratton filling it for Kevin Pollock as he is busy
doing motion capture work for Juanna Man too. He want
to paycheck. Let's go ahead and meet today's alchemists. Thank you.
First up, a guy who thought Instagram was an immediate
cocaine service. Joey Greer. What's the cool new drug all
(00:29):
the kids are doing nowadays? Oh shit, I don't know.
I've been such an a ca whole. I don't know.
I don't know ketamine. I'm still on it. I don't know.
Sweet all right, Well, she's a lady who can tell
your weight by the number of beans you are, Vanessa Ragland.
How many beans would you say I'm nowadays? Oh you're
(00:50):
looking like um broke the one cave. Oh you're just
right at one kid, It's perfect alright. Look out here
comes the master of improvisational high kus, Craig Kowski. Craig,
(01:13):
please grace us with the high coup. About your breakfast today?
Eggs scrambled with avocado. Did Carla got some? Yes? She
did cook? You almost did that? Slam poetry style, and
it's a hybrid. Also, you come off like such a gentleman.
(01:38):
Car Next up, he was voted biggest gossip in his
senior year book, Chris Alvarado. She said, it's true, Chris,
what's the hot guys? Well, I heard that Carla didn't
love the end. That's what I heard. Finally, it's the
(01:59):
only man with clear eyes and a full heart who
lost James Heeney. James, can you please give us all
a short, improvate inspirational speech to get us all fired
up for this thing? A thank you? Perfect? All right,
(02:19):
let's get to our first scene. All of today's scene
suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails. If you'd like
to submit yours, please write to the podcast at your
name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your name
here at alchemy this dot com. Hello, dear alchemists, thank
you so much for your delightfully hilarious alchemy. This podcast
gets me through my Tuesdays and Thursday. I find I
(02:40):
have the most fun trying to hide my outbursts of
laughter in my office onto the scene. I think you
all could use your alchemy skills to create a fantastically
fun scenario about a group of immigrants traveling to Ellis
Island in the early nineteen hundreds by boat, something about
being trapped in a very small ship with so many
eccentric personalities. Thanks for all your hard work, and please
come to Detroit for a live show. I can't wait
to get drunk tonight and let my alter ego Marvin
(03:02):
mckew out hashtag rescue Marvin mckeugh. Hi, Hi, there seems
to be some sort of problem. I ordered a first
class ticket, and I'm I'm just quenched with everybody. It's
not that I don't like them. It's just that I
(03:22):
ordered first class like us. They're all the same tickets,
all right. Oh, I paid a lot of money for
this sun didn't I just work on this here barge? Okay?
My water didn't come with a lemon, and that feels strange.
There's a water trough over there. Everyone's drinking. People are
peeing that we'll drink it up, but serryl oh my gosh. Okay,
(03:44):
when's the lunch going to be served? Well, there's a
guy handed out bread. It should be sweated on. I
saw that, But I assume because of my ticket and
everything in my status. He's not understanding. Look, you eat
this wet bread or you drink the pitchwater. That's it.
I don't like the look. I'm on a vacation. No,
(04:05):
this is the right boat to take me to New
York City, York. Yes, guy, guy, where are you from? Um,
I'm from Wisconsin. You're from Wisconsin and you're sailing across
the Atlantic to New York City. Well first, yeah, I
sailed across the Atlantic the other way as part of
my vacation, and now I'm headed back home to the States. Okay,
(04:28):
you'll get on the immigrant barge with the rest of us.
I thought that was like the theme. I thought it
was a themed boat and very hard left. Papa, Papa,
is this many from a Wisconsin? Yes, he's from Wisconsin,
the Promised Land. Yes, for so many stories. Tell us
about it. Okay, Well, um, I live in a house.
(04:50):
Oh house, it's about the size of two of these boats.
Two boats, and there I eat three maybe four meals
a day. Three maybe. Anyway, I'm gonna try to go.
He's not game. Is our life? Okay? Excuse me? Can
(05:13):
we be using your clothes for toilet paper? My clothes
for toilet paper? No? Sir, can I get a little
help here? What do you want? They're trying to use
my clothes toilet paper? Just give it. We ain't got
no more like you want to see me try try? Um?
What time will the dancing comments? Whenever you start? Isn't
there some sort of director here of activities? Yeah? Sure,
(05:35):
you gotta go start dancing? We follow okay? Um no
no no no no no no no no no no
no no. In home country, we keep people like you.
What do you why, my dancer? You have no soul
in the life. That's true. That's kind of you from America. Yeah,
(05:57):
when I'm going to make my dreams come true? What
are your dreams? My dreams are to make all the
cheese in the world. Oh well, I'm from Wisconsin. A
lot of cheese is made there. I know nothing of
that place. You should. Everything in my life is to
make cheese for whole world. Then I'm telling you you're
going to love Wisconsin. I'll never go. Well, you should.
(06:20):
I'm gonna land in New York and make best cheese
for the whole world in New York? Are you going
to get the cows genius? I mean New York? In
New York squash my dreams. No cows, no cats, not York,
No cats in New York. Tell me Wisconsin. Man, is
the bear as green as they say? Yes? Yes, yes,
(06:43):
Oh it's it's green as green, Papa. Yes, the bay
is green. And everybody owns one part of the football team.
So you're going to stay in New York? Where is
everyone else headed to after they land? After we talk?
I am hopeful to not get murdered. Oh okay, so
that's my hope. Okay, let's see. How about you too.
(07:05):
We are going to Wisconsin, Wisconsin. Hey, look at that
at the tryan pool. Yes, you want train pool? You
want train pool? I don't know what that. Oh? You
want us to go together? Yes, we go together as pack.
We're in our family. How about this? How about later
on when trivia begins? If we win, then maybe we'll
(07:27):
all go together. What is trivia? You know it's a game?
Try me, try me? Okay, games? Okay, Um, let's see.
If you don't win, do you die? No? That's a
fun guy? Yeah, okay, I mean we can all just
play trivia if you want great dreams coming through all
of us. Now I'll bring on the board. There you
(07:48):
go oh great, it's just it's just a board. Sorry,
Hey good, it's my daughter. I'll just help brings work there.
He just brought us a plank board. Yeah, did What
the hell else do you want me to do? I'm
just trying to be a communal Okay, I appreciate it.
(08:09):
I appreciate it. Are you sure there's no one here
that runs the games? I think I'm doing the best
I can. I'm a show director and now i'm a
board game micer. What else do you want from it?
I guess I guess nothing else, nothing else, really, nothing else. Well,
now that you mentioned'll be in my call a little girl.
I was wondering if maybe I could be upgraded somehow.
(08:31):
He's obsessed with upgrade. Well let's upgrade him by everyone.
Give him a piece of your culture. Maybe that'll upgrade them.
Oh that'd be nice. Where are you from? Miss? What
am I from? What are you look like? I'm from? You?
You look like I'm from? Look? Come here, come here,
I'm gonna pull your face hair. Okay, so is this
word of money? Is these words? I don't know? Okay, Okay,
(08:53):
here's a little bit of my homeland. Okay, okay. In
my home. We apologi other's face, hairs out with robotitus
at each other, and then we wait to die. Thank you. Okay,
so if that's the case, I look like you're from Russia.
You look right. Okay, this is fun. This is fun.
The you go okay, now YouTube, let's see. It's not
(09:17):
how the game is played. I don't think we established
rules on that there, trivia ta Do we get some
sort of wedge for knowing where we're from when we
put some on the board. Yeah, Papa, I think we're winning.
We are winning. America really is the land of opportunity sorries. Man.
(09:39):
I can't wait for people to get here. When they
get off the boat, I'm gonna just give everyone a
big hug and it's like, welcome to America. America is
like the best place, man. I can't believe how these
guys are. I hope I get to change everyone's name,
make it names we can say, you know, so it's
easier to love them. I just want to love people.
(10:00):
I feel so bad for people to have weird names,
like Greg is a weird one. Actually, Greg's pretty horrible.
I'm talking about the really weird one, like the ones
I can't even pronounce. They're so strange. Don't worry. We
can change them all. I'm so good at naming animals,
like he needs to name people. What's your favorite people names?
(10:21):
Probably j J. So you're all you're all the new
Hires here at Dellis Island. Yeah, that optimism is going
to be shipped on. You don't sound like you're from America. No,
I'm I'm an immigrants meself myself myself. What's your name?
(10:46):
My name is Sheamus O'Reilly. Why don't we call him Jay?
That wasn't really Jabob. My name is Sheamus O'Reilly. And
you've been working here at Dellis Island for months months,
I tell you. Well, we're just doing volunteer work for
the weekend for a church. Oh really, well, we're the
(11:07):
new Hires, but we're volunteering. Okay, are you guys? Okay,
everybody here, they come here, they come all right. So
remember you were on changing names. Okay, terrific, you two
are the hog squad. Okay, wait, do we convert them
to Christianity immediately or do we wait for it? If
they should already be Christians if they're coming Okay, Okay,
that's a good point. If they're not Christians, you know what?
(11:29):
You know what we do, your god forsaken immigrants. Ja,
my name is shame. Now I look at this with
the boat of dirties. All right, everybody, come on out.
Excuse me, Hi, Hippy, thank you. I am so happy
to be here. I'm so happy that your name? Where
(11:51):
you from? Okay? I can't even understand him. What is
your name? My name is Craig Steaks slower, Yeah, so
we can understand you. Where is he from? Oh? My god,
I'm from Wisconsin. What did he just say to me?
A bit? Say? Do you accept Jesus Christ as your
Lord and savior? I'm don't really believe in. What did
(12:15):
you what's going on there? You go? I'm saying about
this island is changing? Okay, okay, what's your name? What's
your name? You told me what my name is? J Bob.
That's okay, okay, okay with that, your name is J
(12:38):
Bob Now, okay, I want to warn you as a
lot of people with a lot of weird names coming in.
There's even a can't handle anything. Go work on the
cow farm inside the city leaving in Wisconsin. Oh, it's fun, Hey, guys,
do you feel different? I don't feel as good as
I did when I first started. I turned into kind
(12:59):
of a mind. My arms don't feel like they're made
for hugging anymore. Okay, stop up, son, step up. We
are mere minutes from Wisconsin. This is exciting. And why
are you so short? I am five? What is he saying?
I don't know what is he saying? It feels like
they don't understand us. Maybe we speak louder and slower.
(13:23):
Why I am five? Let her talk when you're talking?
Why you goddamn immigrant? Damon child? But no not, you
don't work at the Cowfornia. I think Ja Bob's onto something, Papa.
(13:48):
This is not going well. I know, my son. Please
please we are we are from Poland. What what is
he saying? Understand me? Um um? What's your name? What's
your name? Sish love sloppy? Listen to their goddamn animal bleating?
(14:19):
Please please, I'm Spanish, Loveski, you're sloppy, and you're you
work for a sheep? You work for sheep? All right?
Welcome immigrants to your first day of being an American.
Make some noise, alright? A couple of a couple of
things you need to know. There are some amendments. Go
over those. You have those pamphlets. Also, we no longer
(14:40):
drink water. You all get a two later bottle of
Coca Cola Classic. There you are pastels around. That's right,
that is your new water. Um. Okay, we also have
a national food here. Anybody take a guess national food? Bread? Close? Close?
Was Apple? P close? It's McDonald's. Can we all say
(15:03):
McDonald's terrific? Terrific? Now you all also get one credit
card each. There you are. This is plastic for who
that's not going to act as your money? Just sign here.
Don't worry about the numbers. Yeah, thats a pr that
(15:25):
doesn't that doesn't. It doesn't matter that. Um, you don't
need to. You're in America. I have to sign the paper.
Don'd the hell to name? Yeah? Just oh, I see
the paper. I have to rut the name. Don't worry
about it. Okay. Now it's not for us to all
sing the national anthem. No barn in the USA. Everybody,
(15:53):
now just say this over and over. Say, isn't this
song actually like protest song against Vietnam? You don't know
what you're talking about? Okay, I mean it's actually kind
of dark song. What is Vietnam? It's nothing, It's nothing,
(16:14):
all right. Now, one last thing to make sure you
are true blue Americans. You're all getting tattoos. History just
following me here, sloppy, pull up your sleeve because you
were going to get a Tasmanian devil holding a basketball.
I'll still be able to get buried in no way.
(16:36):
What do you get? Not no, no numbers, just throwing
that out there. No understood, understood. Let's see, let's see.
What do you you? Who's your favorite actor? A Tasmanian death?
(16:59):
They have to the dog with a ball. I don't understand. Dog.
There is silent comedian back in the home called Slava
hats off. Okay, can you say it's Alwa so funny,
he transcends cultures. I've never heard of him. Can you
say Rambo? Good good? Alright, little guy? Or you're gonna
(17:21):
get a tattoo of a machine gun for Rambo? Now
did we cross the ocean and also go through time warp?
But hey, I don't know. It was your It was
your journey, you know what I mean? It was you
feel like when do you remember when we were in
the Silver tunnel, Silver tunnel. There was a ringing sounding
(17:43):
sound a little wide, and the numbers on the walls.
Maybe that was time warp. One thing's for sure, Wisconsin
is very different than I imagined that being. Oh this
is New York, alright, last last order of business, and
(18:04):
some of us have not got the tattoos. It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter. I can't send my name, I don't
get the devil. How do you all feel about religion
in general as a concept or as a practitioner? Okay, great,
there's your new church. Behold the hard Rock Cafe. That's
(18:27):
what That's what you have to spend your life trying
to figure out this is where and that. Thanks for
shotting out our sponsor hard Rock. Finally they get it.
Collect all the T shirts when you're four. That was
historically accurate, I think so. I think we all learned
(18:47):
something to everything checked out. All right, Let's get to
our alchemist. Here's a scene idea. Two new employees show
up on their first day to work, only to find
that everyone who works at the company is an idiot.
There tumbfound out that the company is still in business
by offering simple, common sense ideas. All the other employees
(19:10):
come to believe the new guys or gals our geniuses,
and they rock it up the corporate ladder to find
themselves president and CEO by the end of the first day.
I drive thousands of miles a month and look forward
to the new episode every week. You keep me laughing
out loud and make my drive just a little bit shorter.
Keep up the great work, and hopefully this scene makes
the cut. PS the Hipster restaurant reviewers was probably my
favorite scene if I had to pick one. Josh Fogot
(19:34):
good taste, Josh great last name. I'm working for your idea.
You must be new here because I don't have her
name in my computer. I hate tend her up. But
where's the bathroom? I know I've been here a few years.
I can't find the bathroom. You know what, if you
behind you, you're gonna go down that hallway. You're gonna
(19:55):
take your second left, and then you're gonna take one
right there, and there's gonna be Can you draw me
of map? Donnie? Okay, okay, whole on one second, Hey, Donnie,
I'm so sorry. Where are the papers? I just gotta
sign this lease and we're done with it just where
the Okay, why don't we walk together to the bathroom?
While I like, don just where are the papers for
(20:18):
the least? I gotta sign it? Get real bad? Listen
with the least papers? Yes, Donnie, where are they? There's
probably in the bathroom. What first, I'm gonna bring her
to the bathroom. Guy, that's really sorry forgotten where the
bathroom is? Like, hey me too? Oh hey Donnie, where
(20:41):
are the papers for the least? The papers for the least? Yes?
Where are they? The lease for the building? We could
try together, but I think it's going to be the
bun leaving the here here, here's a piece of paper
and I'm gonna draw for you. Okay, this is the
whole right, here's the turn and then somewhere down there
there's a picture of a man in a picture of
(21:02):
a woman haunted. What the pictures in Harry Potter are
all hounted? Everybody, don't forget today we have two new
members joining the team. Two new members joining the team.
Are you one of those members? What are you talking
ab I've been here for six years, so it's not you. Okay,
(21:24):
Well I'm not knew what. I've been working here for
a long time. I don't know about six years. Look,
what are you talking about? How do you not know me? What? Luke?
How do you not know me? Yeah? Done it? Just
give me the least papers and I'll get the hell
out of your papers. I don't know what papers. We're drawings.
I don't want these sketches. Actually, these are beautiful. I
(21:45):
lost it to where's the pants been pants and the
mop pants in them? So are we collecting people's peepee
pants and put them in a bin somewhere in the Hi?
Is there a Donnie here? I'm supposed to. Oh my god,
(22:06):
I see I see your T shirt, says Donnie. Yeah.
Well that's why I have with my name, and that's
why it sets out you look unfamiliar. Yeah, yeah, I'm Curt.
I'm supposed to start today. Kurt oh I was hired
over email. You spell your name like cheese curd a
(22:27):
Kurt with a T cheese curd. Do you spell your
name like cheese Curt? Curtis with a D and Kurt
My name is with a T. He spelled Kurt the
tea makes the cuss ound in that name. He's hurt
like from sound of music, like the kid in the
shorts is the one that turns into a Nazi. They
(22:50):
all do. That's the twist. No, that's not the twist.
They don't turn. And have you not watched Sound of
Music all the way to the end. Get the least first,
get them on the hill alonely gout, Kurt, do you
have the least papers for him? My name? Why would
he have the laice papers? Well, let's ask what do
(23:11):
you do? You work in security, Kurt? What are you doing? Well?
I it does look like the lease on the ground here, Jesus, Curt,
I apologize for the tinkle sprinkle, Um, Donny. It's not
my position to say, but I feel like Kurt just
(23:32):
did your job better than you do your job. That
can't be possible. He just found the least papers in
like ten seconds. I picked them up off the ground. Well,
anyone could have dropped them. I mean, we don't have
a big deal. I don't know. I feel like, what
are you gonna do here? Curry? You're gonna save us? Well?
I was hired to work in human resources. The resources
(23:53):
are humans, uh so, Curt? I've uh I I do
want to touch one of my coworkers, and I just
want to know those you want to touch one of
your coworkers. Yeah, I'd like to tug somebody off and
give them a suck job. Okay, No, you can't do that.
You can't even use that language. I mean that's should
(24:13):
I say it in Spanish or something? No? Not at all.
Who were we talking about? Uh, one of my guy friends,
one of your guy friends? Okay, who works here at
the office? No? If well, if that's not appropriate, I'd
like to stick a finger in their p hole. No,
it's not appropriate at all. Should they do that to
me first? Or no? I mean, work is not an
(24:34):
opportunity to uh, to make sexual contact with other people.
You know, people need to be treated with respect and
dignity and you need to just do your job. Do
you have a minute. Yes, yeah, it's still my first day.
I love what you've done with the office. Well, yeah,
they really threw me in the deep end right away.
(24:57):
What do you do? My just want an opinion. I
just wanted an opinion on anything. You please. I can't,
but well why I don't know? I can't. They say
you have to get measured for one kurd. So I
(25:19):
gave him a suck job and I and I I
don't know if he's gonna call, honestly, and I don't
know if I want him. This is somebody who works
in the office. It's one of my guy buddies. Okay,
well he should be excuse me, do you have Oh,
I see your busy. I'll come back later, come on in,
comeing in. Well it's inappropriate because I really wanted to
(25:40):
make a report about someone in the room. All right, guys,
thanks for coming to the after lunch board meeting. Hope
you all have a good lunch. So did not see
any boards. So this just and we signed the lease.
We got the lease. We signed the lease. We got
(26:01):
the lease, and since Kurd has been here, our numbers
have gone up. That means we're doing better because of Curd.
Well what numbers? What are we talking about? Well, you
know which one. So Curd, you're being moved from h
R to senior vice president. And that he did all
(26:24):
that by noon. That's great, congratulations. What did I do?
That's right? We that's what we're all asking mediated one
section write that word down. Media appraised my breast. I failed,
so did he gave me a great appraisal. I'm taking
(26:46):
it to the bank kerd Okay, what would my duties
be as senior vice president. That's that's something you're gonna
have to find out. But you do you do have
a phone call waiting in your new office? I do, Yeah,
it's I think it's important. Curd. How are you doing today?
I heard you come up from the company real quick. Yeah,
(27:08):
you're the president of the company. Um, would you mind?
Would you mind coming into my office? I'm two doors
to two cubes down. Okay, there's no need to call me. Then,
just just you can hang up the phone. Okay, you're
speaking lader than you need to speak over the phone, Sir.
Can you hear me through the walls? I can hear
(27:28):
you through the walls. Yeah, then come to my office. Okay,
just keep talking. I'm sure I can find it by
the sound of your voice. All right, I'm just gonna
keep talking. Is that you outside my door? Yes, that's me.
Can I come in now? Okay? All right, I'm sorry, sir,
Kurt is here. I really blew it. Oh you're doing
a good job, CURTI is here. Okay, I'm gonna go
back to lunch. You're right. Oh wow, I've heard a
(27:48):
lot about you, Curd, so you must be Mr boy Alice. Yeah,
I am Mr bory Ellie. So it looks like you
have a lot of experience and HR but not a
lot of oriens as vice president. Well yeah, I was
just promoted five minutes ago, Mr Boyalice. Um, if you
could just remind me what the company does. I've got
an important donor on the phone and I'm supposed to
(28:09):
give a spiel. Well we go. We work with a
lot of numbers one through nine, and we at the
zero in there to keep place of the different decimal points.
That's right, Thank you so much, thank you. Those numbers
are up. Still right, they're up, and the quarters are
taking along. Okay, if you don't mind closing that door
behind you as not dog door too? Yes, please, all
of it? Got it there? Dog in the office door? Yeah? Actually,
(28:34):
just put a chair against the door on the outside
so nobody can leave once you're gone. All right, great?
Why why do you have a cat door and a dog? Kurd?
We are kurd, We're curd sucked. Well, what's happening. I've
been I've been fudging the numbers. These numbers are not
what they're supposed to be. I was just told that
they went up six since I've been and there's going
(28:56):
to be hell to pay if we don't keep going
this direction. Okay, well let me see you guys, got
to pack this suitcase. Curt, you are taking my job. Okay, Okay,
it looks like you've just written a bunch of numbers
on a piece of paper, so you're pretty good. You
like this kind of attitude. Just gonna checked the president.
I've lost a lot of money and I gotta checked
it up. President. I'll shoot you right now. You shoot me,
(29:18):
and I'll come back times stronger. What you shoot me? Dead?
Right now? Come back ten times strong. I need to
take the president that the doors are unlocked. Come in.
Well there's a chair. What do you want me to
know about that? Hello? But that's the president? All right?
What is this? What is this? What is this some
kind of prostitute situation? Mr? Buris? I tried to stop him.
(29:38):
It says if I shouldn't, he'll come back ten times stronger.
That's a dangerous nemesis. Now, I don't know which one
of you is the president, but I've lost a lot
of goddamn money. He's a president. You were the president?
Mr Roy, Oh, that's the president. The president fine, how
can I help Curb? It might say that correctly, Kurt
with a team. Listen, Curb, there's something I need you
(30:00):
to know. I left a lot of money and I
need that money back. Now. Okay, what what did you
invest in? I don't know. I think this company just
says you want to put it all on eight? Yes, everything, everything?
You hear me? Okay, I'll write it up there, Barber
do it. Okay, it's gonna take meals right. All right, guys,
(30:20):
um gather around for the post snack board meeting. Um,
we have some good news. Okay. Is the snack really
just one pretzel rod? Each? Oh? Each? Okay? I on
other people? That happens. Um to two points of business here. One,
(30:43):
how's the pe bin looking? The pe pant spin? It's good?
And and I got an announcement, Um, they all get
away during a concert. The Nazis don't get them. I
used the rest of the morning to finish the movie.
That's great. Let's let it load off knowing how it ends.
Because the Nazi loot, we are as a society that's
(31:08):
really like. So I'm looking at some numbers here. I
just got a fact which one one through nine and
it looks like herd here is now going to not
only be the vice president and the president, but also
the CEO of this company he came through. Wait, I'm
(31:31):
not qualified to be the CEO. Well we heard it.
There was an issue with eight, and you handle that beautifully.
And I'll tell you what all of us here we've
had a hard time with eight. My breast looks like
an eight laying down for a nap. And that's a
good point. Well, we'll follow you where every wherever. You
want to tell Mr trap you're leader, I'm not Mr
(31:52):
von Trapp, okay, And i'd work on those harmonies first. Well,
you guys know the numbers one through eight, right, those
are just like the notes of the scale. So do
ray me is a new language. So one is a
(32:19):
needle pulling thread? What where pulling it? Two is um?
Why is the needle pulling the thread? I wouldn't extend
the metaphor that far. Welcome back to the fucking cry
I got it, you don't, you don't, you don't have
(32:41):
you don't have it. Here we go watch this and
welcome back to the New York not we'd call that
you got two directors here, all right? Look thank you,
thank you for you have earned it. You're doing this
in front of Mr Kurd and he just he just
built a build a business from the work with you.
(33:02):
I'm making this up on the spot. My brain is
if you want to Mr Kurb, that's what's going on.
I don't give a ship. He wants to bang you. Look, sir,
I obviously run the New York Stock Exchange television online programming.
Here on the face of it, at least, everything seems
to real a little choic, right now, are you guys
hiring Absolutely not for my position? So yeah, yeah, no
(33:26):
currently open. Yeah, we're looking for a face with like
like you could do this, like he could do this quicker. Alright, folks,
welcome to the New York Stock Exchange television station. He's amazing.
Why okay, I'm sorry, I've never done this. It was
the ratings are of the ratings are off has a
(33:51):
directing pair. We've never seen the numbers leap six in
what was that thirty seconds? Doesn't imply causation exactly exactly?
Who wants to ring the bell? Do you want to
Kurt bing bing bing bing bing? Then we'll go number three,
(34:22):
the final one for today. Hi folks. I recently posted
a comment on old doc Keene's YouTube page and got
a response from him. So I figured you almost be
real people, and I may actually have a chance of
getting a scene through. So there we go. See suggestion.
I would love to hear what activities are pets get
into when we are away from home. I'm sure my
dogtatoes sweet and innocent routine is all a cover up.
(34:43):
I caught him looking his butt yesterday. I didn't learn
that from me. Thank you all for bringing some fun
back into the days. I've heard every episode at least
twenty times. You could ask Vanessa to work in a new,
gravelly voiced character like the motor ladge owner Sharante or
the cruise captain. Then I would probably cry laughing and
cause a car wreck. James, you're consistently creating my favorite
characters in the show. That is, until Vanessa whips up
(35:04):
yet another hillbilly with emphysyma ps. Please asked Joey to
stop eating his product on the air from Tampa, Florida.
I don't need my own come, okay, I just want
to say it. Okay, for the record, he protest too much. Okay,
I don't need my own come and my animal, my
dogs just eating his comments, not because I've watched me
(35:24):
do it. Okay, yeah, So just so just so we're clear,
my dog because because it didn't watch me do it,
and it's not doing it because I can we just
go on this getaway. Yes, let's just drop the dog
off here. Please come, just get the okay. Look, so
for the record, if you see the dog out and
eat it up, it's not because it's on me do it. Okay,
(35:45):
we're not. We don't think that. And also we're leaving.
I know we're leaving, so let's go. I just want
from high weights. I just want you to know, okay
here at pups and stuff that I don't do that. Listen,
we are very good with chain dogs. Go out of
town and there will never be another situation where we
take an e or a human being or a child.
(36:07):
So your dog is completely safe this doggy hotel. So
just so you know, I have somen thumbs onto the
front pause of my dog. Okay, and if it does
happen to tug off it's and it out there and
it eats it up, it's not because it saw me
do that. I didn't train the dog to do that. Yes, babe,
we can go on a bit. Okay, I assume that
(36:30):
everything's gonna be fine, Tyler, give me a second here. Okay, ouch,
I'm trying to give me a second. Go of my neck. Alright, alright,
give me a second here, got it? All right? Cool?
So just so we're clear, all right, And the thumbs
aren't gonna gang green. They're sterilized, they're vinegarrized. Well, the
thumbs are weird, but I think we can handle this dog.
(36:51):
It's nothing too out. Okay, check out, check out with thumbs.
What's going on with that? That's disturbed? Well, what's your story?
Cal got lucky? I guess my daddy give me some
thumbt Just because he sows thumb human thumbs doesn't make
(37:17):
the function. What are you some kind of mutt? Yeah,
I'm a little bit of everything and gets one of
thumb functions as a tomb functions. And this one's enough
to tell you know. I thought the doms are weird,
but the dog's weirder. Yeah, what are you some ball
dog mix? Bulldog? Droopy? But fun? You don't work to fun?
(37:44):
Can you? I don't tell you, but I can look
at that's a disgusting a ball slack. No, they took mine.
They took mom to ball slack. It was we heard
us for charity, so we donated a balls. Like look
(38:05):
at these gems. Look we're like carry around with me
like that. You want to slope on that ball? Dog place? Boys,
that's a rod on that. I'm got two balls and there.
Stop talking about it. I count on it. I wish Okay, lunchtime,
(38:26):
Hey go, good boy? Whoa hey, I'm gonna put a
lot of sauce on this forum, a little bit of
Oh my god, Mark, what is oh my did that dog?
Just did you see that? That was wild? That's not
(38:48):
supposed to be. It's not a good thing. We gotta
clean this ship up, my cam, don't touch my car.
Jesus Christ, Mark that one for giving me. How do
you come in five seconds like that? What do you
think about? I have to think about it, my ball sack.
Your heart is a rock. Damn right, I'm hard, I'm
cli hard. Come over, look, stop, let go with me.
I got this job for you. Okay. My name is
(39:10):
on the line here from my car. Anything, Oh my god,
I'm gonna throw. I'm gonna throw what you get when
you got a ball nug Come on, Mark, Mark, can
you come up front? Yes, Hey, what's up? Did you
(39:33):
You didn't say that that she was your girlfriend? Does
she your girlfriend? That you? I mean, she's a girl.
It was my friend type of thing. You guys have
been kind of like close working. I know, look between you.
I mean, like, yeah, we're kind of seeing each other.
But I don't think it's that I don't want to.
She was crashing on my place and she had no money,
and it was like getting really weird. And we both
(39:55):
have a drug habit, you know that. I mean like
a light drug habit, and so like I couldn't just
keep paying for at all. So I needed her to
get a job so she can get a little scratch
so we can keep up with the injection. We've been
in a lot of trouble here for all the different
fiascos at this dog hotel. He just needs you to
keep yourself together. Okay, whatever you do when you leave here,
(40:15):
I don't care. And you're the best boss you honestly
and like. But by the way, that little ship too
came over all the food and all the dogs are
eating it. He came over by all the food on
ejaculated a little nug everywhere, dude, and I'm talking like ropes, dude,
all over the dog. Listen. It sounds to me like
(40:36):
you've been making out and it's disgusting. Keep your trashy
habits away from Okay, if there's if I walk in
there and there's anything disgusting on the dog food, I
want to say something I don't think. Stick and close
your eyes. I can fill your you't. I want all
(40:59):
the names. My name's peanut, Peanut. Okay, what's your name?
Fresh Bulldogs And that's the dumbest name over heard. You
got no balls in your name? Florance Wall. Look, I
can't drunk. I just ate your comb. So I feel
like I've already o this total both. You know what
(41:21):
I was thinking. We could some other dogs or some
cats or something. I could come on them and then
you can lick the cat and I can watch you
lick the cat. I'm happy you've got a healthy and
productive sex life, but more complex, man, I got more
going on? Well you got going on? I don't see
(41:42):
a no ball sad going on? Well you got titties, Well,
I just have prominent nipples. I don't know. Milk come
out of them cities. Hey, listen, baby, honestly, um, we
gotta keep it cool. Yeah, I'm trying to keep it cool. Okay,
so cool, come on, shoot up and fuck We will
(42:04):
at six p m. Okay, but right now it's work time,
so I need you to go in there and deal
with the cats. So turn them hot and cold, deal
with the go to ca Okay, okay, cat sing Stuary,
here you go. Can I come with I don't know
what the funk this daring to say to me, but
I like your energy. This is thumbs What the fu? Yeah,
(42:26):
let's get in here all right. Cats, listen up. I
don't have a lot of time, so what am I.
I'm just gonna pour this water on the ground and
then I'm gonna dump all this hay out so you
can eat it all right now? Everyone playing nights. I
have to nap. Don't do any mo mate, don't I'll
(42:48):
just watch all eat today. That's all. Okay. We know
we're supposed to be mortal in me. That's gonna be
a fright of air. You girl, cut our boyd cut.
I'm a girl girl. I gotta also could go with
their ways. I don't know A bunch of dogs don't
like balls. I still call themselves a man. We're all
girls here, Oh girls, let's look at dog. I bet
(43:09):
you're gonna come on things and think it's impressive plan.
Why did you say that, your calico? Bitch? Who you
think you're the first dog to wander in here? No?
Look at your pathetic human thumbs? Vinta Grosze and the
snift tossed. What's your name, Chalico? Wouldn't you like to know?
(43:32):
But this patch is your basic bitch? Is it patches? Patches?
How did you guess? Patches that will take you by
the neck, the top of the neck, not to kill
somewhere scraff alone. But I just I don't know if
I want to drop the cat off. You know, maybe
I should just take it with us and just get
rid of the care. I'm gonna get the cat. I'm
(43:53):
gonna drop it off and they we'll pick it up
after our trip. It's like, I feel grossed out just
knowing that that cat is running around the place. Look,
I got that cat with my first husband. Okay, it
means a lot to me. Those are memories. And now
you're onto your second husband. Okay, And I get to
say what we do with the cat? Come on, it's
fifty How is it I have the relationship that I
(44:17):
want to be. Come on, Raymie, please, No, we're going
on the trip and we're dumping the cat off. Welcome
to dogs and stuff. You guys here to drop off
that cat. Yes we are, and we're going to pick
it up after. Okay. Couple questions in the questionnaire, Um,
how long will you be leaving the cat with us?
Two weeks? Two weeks? Terrific. So we are going to France. Yes, okay,
(44:38):
that's my next question. Where's your destination? We're going to France? Um?
What types of surprising her food allergies? Do you guys have?
Kind of food at? What? Whether does that match? She's
answer him, Ramie cheese. I mean she's literally just about everything.
I mean, a leather um, feathers, tethers, feathers in tethers. Okay,
(45:01):
and then last one and that was six years ago,
and I been here have a since, and now we're too.
They won't I don't care. I'm a cat. Seems like
you care. I don't seem like you've got a little
tear in your heart. Crying my calm now Francois. I
(45:25):
hate to say this, but I want to kill that dog. Yeah,
me too. I've never wanted to commit violence in my life.
Well before he went out of the room, he ripped
her tits off, all right, was one of the dogs
I gotta put down? Well, honestly, the dog's not here.
I don't know what happened. Look, I got let me
kill one. Do I'm sure we'll find it. It's it's
a very weird dog. One of the dogs. How much
(45:46):
shoot in the back of the hand and the I'm
gonna get out of here. Listen, Larry, we aren't killing
one of these talks. These dogs are good dogs. There's
a dog here with some ginge of ices thumbs on
the gum disease on this. I don't know what it is,
but it's not it's I believe it's a holy sh Stephanie, Stephanie, baby, Yeah,
you guys, let go with that dog. They're looking for that.
(46:08):
It's mean baby. Get out of the banby, get out
of the room, closet, my baby cry. Look, I don't
know what the hell is going on with you anymore. Okay,
I got you this job. I'm done. Wait wait ba oh, crying.
(46:30):
I hoping this guy puts that dog down, he puts
you down? What do he's turning out? You heard me?
You heard me? All right? Man, look you honestly, either
gotta pay me now or I'm gonna off one of
the door. Either what um? Okay? If I pay you now,
will you still kill the dog that I need killed? Look?
I got two minutes here and then I'm out. Okay,
(46:52):
here's your money and these are all one dollar bills.
I mean these are tips. I get tips. Okay, Old,
we gotta get that dog in here. Let's let's lure
it in. All right, Look at all this stuff that
news are coming on. There's so much stuff. You could
come on in here, Hi, doggies, it's the cats. We
(47:13):
heard that that that guy's here to kill the bell
worst dog here? Is that right? Can we help you? Yeah?
We're aman am. I wish something would come on me?
Is that good? No? I guess not. I could use
it again. Oh god, that's coming on this lady, lady
in the broom closet. He's a junkie. She didn't care
(47:36):
what crazy like? Hey, what are the cats throlling that?
I'm gonna be honest, I'm seeing cats and dogs. Larry
the one dog with the human thumbs that are turning
green shooting, think about. I don't think about it. I
(47:57):
don't know what that is. I don't know what that is.
That's the god. Don't even think about it. It alright,
go everybody save me, Save me. Now, everyone, come in
front of me, Come in front of you, down the barrel,
I can name, come raight, ad think about. We want
(48:22):
you to know it was us. It was us. The
w I don't care watch this. This is going to
be my most I feel like, OHI it was great
(48:45):
for us, Tyler, thank you. Okay, I think it was fantastic. Okay,
let's get her done. Yes, I'm here to pick up
my puppy. Um, what the hell happened to the store? Well,
some of that is fire, A lot of that's cut blood.
And yeah there was a fire. But obviously it's out
right because which was your dog thumbs the ship suit
(49:09):
with the tom's Listen, I got bad news. It turns
out what don't see what you're about to say? This
guy will fucking go crazy. Is something happens, I'm gonna
go now so they've I'm gonna go nuts. Listen we
tried to put it down. What we tried? What mean
you tried to What do you mean you tried to? Well,
(49:31):
I had an exterminator, a puppy exterminator. Come on, killer
hit man, let's not use awful words like that, but
you try to kill my dog? Well, it was coming on.
It was an immigrant. Do you understand that I didn't
know that. Yes, excuse me. I'm here to pick up
my cat, my my wife's cat or whatever. The fuck. Well,
six years ago we got we got bad or news
(49:53):
for you. We didn't think you were coming back for what.
Huh is this dogs and stuff? Yeah, it turns out
its It used to be all different kinds of banimals,
and now we put dogs and stuff to make it
pretty clear we don't take cats anymore. Yeah. Well, dropping
over a cat six years ago and just here to
get the cat. Your cat went blamo, cat, Your cat
(50:15):
went blamo went some some ejaculate from a dog got
into a I don't need to hear this. I probably
don't want to hear this. What the hell is going on?
Where's my ship? Your ship suit got away? It's out
there somewhere. It's alive, though it might be the only
goddamn animal that survived that day first time on the railroad. Yeah,
(50:40):
I like some of those tracks. What kind of dog
are you? I'm a seventeen different kind of the muddiest
mud of the world. You got a big whole nut
slack now, yeah, goddamn right. You know how you get
on this train. You gotta come for fair. That's going
to be a problem. Stuff you can walk, Daddy, Look
(51:11):
a puppy. A puppy, well you want that puppy kid? Oh,
it looks send sick, It looks adorable. Some kind of
hobo dog. Hi, hobo dog. I want to make you
all better. Here has some water boy may look look
(51:33):
at his paws, Daddy, look at his paws. Well, somebody
sewed human thumbs on his paws and that adorable. That
makes him unique. Nug in this water bottle. Be sure
to span new to your pets. And that's our show
start today. All right, Let's thank our alchemist, Chris Alorado.
(51:54):
Thank you, and you're welcome. Anything going on you want
to plug just you know, keep loving each other. Everybody
really positive, but a positive command. Vanessa Raglan just a
joy to be here than Craig Twitter past watch Wine
(52:18):
Country on Netflix, watch Drunk History on Comedy cent I
gotta work, people, gotta work. I'm not here for pleasant trees.
I'm here to advance my career. Down, Just sit down.
J so glad that he broke the ice, because That's
what I'm gonna do right now. I've got at least
the second episode of this Rusher thing with John Bolton.
(52:40):
You can find it on my Twitter, which is at
the heat Nice. Joey is a less aggressive plug, but
only because he was so aggressive and normal. Thank you,
Thank you so much for having me. And um, if
anyone wants to come over for dinner, um, what else?
(53:01):
I'm not gonna give that up. But what else did
I want to say? You can wrap it up? Um,
just wrap it up. I feel like him. Philibus Curry
is where people tune in for nice. Well, let's thank
our audio and dar engineer Doug Babe, our post sound
design artist Raphael Brito, our producer Sophie Lichterman, and lastly,
(53:25):
I heart media. I encourage you all to write a review.
Tell everyone you've ever met right to us at your
name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your name
here at Alchemy this dot com for Capvin Pollock. I'm
Cold Stratton until next time a football pl
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This once again
taking the reins of this runaway sled, is me Cole
Stratton filling it for Kevin Pollock as he is busy
doing motion capture work for Juanna Man too. He want
to paycheck. Let's go ahead and meet today's alchemists. Thank you.
First up, a guy who thought Instagram was an immediate
cocaine service. Joey Greer. What's the cool new drug all
(00:29):
the kids are doing nowadays? Oh shit, I don't know.
I've been such an a ca whole. I don't know.
I don't know ketamine. I'm still on it. I don't know.
Sweet all right, Well, she's a lady who can tell
your weight by the number of beans you are, Vanessa Ragland.
How many beans would you say I'm nowadays? Oh you're
(00:50):
looking like um broke the one cave. Oh you're just
right at one kid, It's perfect alright. Look out here
comes the master of improvisational high kus, Craig Kowski. Craig,
(01:13):
please grace us with the high coup. About your breakfast today?
Eggs scrambled with avocado. Did Carla got some? Yes? She
did cook? You almost did that? Slam poetry style, and
it's a hybrid. Also, you come off like such a gentleman.
(01:38):
Car Next up, he was voted biggest gossip in his
senior year book, Chris Alvarado. She said, it's true, Chris,
what's the hot guys? Well, I heard that Carla didn't
love the end. That's what I heard. Finally, it's the
(01:59):
only man with clear eyes and a full heart who
lost James Heeney. James, can you please give us all
a short, improvate inspirational speech to get us all fired
up for this thing? A thank you? Perfect? All right,
(02:19):
let's get to our first scene. All of today's scene
suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails. If you'd like
to submit yours, please write to the podcast at your
name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your name
here at alchemy this dot com. Hello, dear alchemists, thank
you so much for your delightfully hilarious alchemy. This podcast
gets me through my Tuesdays and Thursday. I find I
(02:40):
have the most fun trying to hide my outbursts of
laughter in my office onto the scene. I think you
all could use your alchemy skills to create a fantastically
fun scenario about a group of immigrants traveling to Ellis
Island in the early nineteen hundreds by boat, something about
being trapped in a very small ship with so many
eccentric personalities. Thanks for all your hard work, and please
come to Detroit for a live show. I can't wait
to get drunk tonight and let my alter ego Marvin
(03:02):
mckew out hashtag rescue Marvin mckeugh. Hi, Hi, there seems
to be some sort of problem. I ordered a first
class ticket, and I'm I'm just quenched with everybody. It's
not that I don't like them. It's just that I
(03:22):
ordered first class like us. They're all the same tickets,
all right. Oh, I paid a lot of money for
this sun didn't I just work on this here barge? Okay?
My water didn't come with a lemon, and that feels strange.
There's a water trough over there. Everyone's drinking. People are
peeing that we'll drink it up, but serryl oh my gosh. Okay,
(03:44):
when's the lunch going to be served? Well, there's a
guy handed out bread. It should be sweated on. I
saw that, But I assume because of my ticket and
everything in my status. He's not understanding. Look, you eat
this wet bread or you drink the pitchwater. That's it.
I don't like the look. I'm on a vacation. No,
(04:05):
this is the right boat to take me to New
York City, York. Yes, guy, guy, where are you from? Um,
I'm from Wisconsin. You're from Wisconsin and you're sailing across
the Atlantic to New York City. Well first, yeah, I
sailed across the Atlantic the other way as part of
my vacation, and now I'm headed back home to the States. Okay,
(04:28):
you'll get on the immigrant barge with the rest of us.
I thought that was like the theme. I thought it
was a themed boat and very hard left. Papa, Papa,
is this many from a Wisconsin? Yes, he's from Wisconsin,
the Promised Land. Yes, for so many stories. Tell us
about it. Okay, Well, um, I live in a house.
(04:50):
Oh house, it's about the size of two of these boats.
Two boats, and there I eat three maybe four meals
a day. Three maybe. Anyway, I'm gonna try to go.
He's not game. Is our life? Okay? Excuse me? Can
(05:13):
we be using your clothes for toilet paper? My clothes
for toilet paper? No? Sir, can I get a little
help here? What do you want? They're trying to use
my clothes toilet paper? Just give it. We ain't got
no more like you want to see me try try? Um?
What time will the dancing comments? Whenever you start? Isn't
there some sort of director here of activities? Yeah? Sure,
(05:35):
you gotta go start dancing? We follow okay? Um no
no no no no no no no no no no
no no. In home country, we keep people like you.
What do you why, my dancer? You have no soul
in the life. That's true. That's kind of you from America. Yeah,
(05:57):
when I'm going to make my dreams come true? What
are your dreams? My dreams are to make all the
cheese in the world. Oh well, I'm from Wisconsin. A
lot of cheese is made there. I know nothing of
that place. You should. Everything in my life is to
make cheese for whole world. Then I'm telling you you're
going to love Wisconsin. I'll never go. Well, you should.
(06:20):
I'm gonna land in New York and make best cheese
for the whole world in New York? Are you going
to get the cows genius? I mean New York? In
New York squash my dreams. No cows, no cats, not York,
No cats in New York. Tell me Wisconsin. Man, is
the bear as green as they say? Yes? Yes, yes,
(06:43):
Oh it's it's green as green, Papa. Yes, the bay
is green. And everybody owns one part of the football team.
So you're going to stay in New York? Where is
everyone else headed to after they land? After we talk?
I am hopeful to not get murdered. Oh okay, so
that's my hope. Okay, let's see. How about you too.
(07:05):
We are going to Wisconsin, Wisconsin. Hey, look at that
at the tryan pool. Yes, you want train pool? You
want train pool? I don't know what that. Oh? You
want us to go together? Yes, we go together as pack.
We're in our family. How about this? How about later
on when trivia begins? If we win, then maybe we'll
(07:27):
all go together. What is trivia? You know it's a game?
Try me, try me? Okay, games? Okay, Um, let's see.
If you don't win, do you die? No? That's a
fun guy? Yeah, okay, I mean we can all just
play trivia if you want great dreams coming through all
of us. Now I'll bring on the board. There you
(07:48):
go oh great, it's just it's just a board. Sorry,
Hey good, it's my daughter. I'll just help brings work there.
He just brought us a plank board. Yeah, did What
the hell else do you want me to do? I'm
just trying to be a communal Okay, I appreciate it.
(08:09):
I appreciate it. Are you sure there's no one here
that runs the games? I think I'm doing the best
I can. I'm a show director and now i'm a
board game micer. What else do you want from it?
I guess I guess nothing else, nothing else, really, nothing else. Well,
now that you mentioned'll be in my call a little girl.
I was wondering if maybe I could be upgraded somehow.
(08:31):
He's obsessed with upgrade. Well let's upgrade him by everyone.
Give him a piece of your culture. Maybe that'll upgrade them.
Oh that'd be nice. Where are you from? Miss? What
am I from? What are you look like? I'm from? You?
You look like I'm from? Look? Come here, come here,
I'm gonna pull your face hair. Okay, so is this
word of money? Is these words? I don't know? Okay, Okay,
(08:53):
here's a little bit of my homeland. Okay, okay. In
my home. We apologi other's face, hairs out with robotitus
at each other, and then we wait to die. Thank you. Okay,
so if that's the case, I look like you're from Russia.
You look right. Okay, this is fun. This is fun.
The you go okay, now YouTube, let's see. It's not
(09:17):
how the game is played. I don't think we established
rules on that there, trivia ta Do we get some
sort of wedge for knowing where we're from when we
put some on the board. Yeah, Papa, I think we're winning.
We are winning. America really is the land of opportunity sorries. Man.
(09:39):
I can't wait for people to get here. When they
get off the boat, I'm gonna just give everyone a
big hug and it's like, welcome to America. America is
like the best place, man. I can't believe how these
guys are. I hope I get to change everyone's name,
make it names we can say, you know, so it's
easier to love them. I just want to love people.
(10:00):
I feel so bad for people to have weird names,
like Greg is a weird one. Actually, Greg's pretty horrible.
I'm talking about the really weird one, like the ones
I can't even pronounce. They're so strange. Don't worry. We
can change them all. I'm so good at naming animals,
like he needs to name people. What's your favorite people names?
(10:21):
Probably j J. So you're all you're all the new
Hires here at Dellis Island. Yeah, that optimism is going
to be shipped on. You don't sound like you're from America. No,
I'm I'm an immigrants meself myself myself. What's your name?
(10:46):
My name is Sheamus O'Reilly. Why don't we call him Jay?
That wasn't really Jabob. My name is Sheamus O'Reilly. And
you've been working here at Dellis Island for months months,
I tell you. Well, we're just doing volunteer work for
the weekend for a church. Oh really, well, we're the
(11:07):
new Hires, but we're volunteering. Okay, are you guys? Okay,
everybody here, they come here, they come all right. So
remember you were on changing names. Okay, terrific, you two
are the hog squad. Okay, wait, do we convert them
to Christianity immediately or do we wait for it? If
they should already be Christians if they're coming Okay, Okay,
that's a good point. If they're not Christians, you know what?
(11:29):
You know what we do, your god forsaken immigrants. Ja,
my name is shame. Now I look at this with
the boat of dirties. All right, everybody, come on out.
Excuse me, Hi, Hippy, thank you. I am so happy
to be here. I'm so happy that your name? Where
(11:51):
you from? Okay? I can't even understand him. What is
your name? My name is Craig Steaks slower, Yeah, so
we can understand you. Where is he from? Oh? My god,
I'm from Wisconsin. What did he just say to me?
A bit? Say? Do you accept Jesus Christ as your
Lord and savior? I'm don't really believe in. What did
(12:15):
you what's going on there? You go? I'm saying about
this island is changing? Okay, okay, what's your name? What's
your name? You told me what my name is? J Bob.
That's okay, okay, okay with that, your name is J
(12:38):
Bob Now, okay, I want to warn you as a
lot of people with a lot of weird names coming in.
There's even a can't handle anything. Go work on the
cow farm inside the city leaving in Wisconsin. Oh, it's fun, Hey, guys,
do you feel different? I don't feel as good as
I did when I first started. I turned into kind
(12:59):
of a mind. My arms don't feel like they're made
for hugging anymore. Okay, stop up, son, step up. We
are mere minutes from Wisconsin. This is exciting. And why
are you so short? I am five? What is he saying?
I don't know what is he saying? It feels like
they don't understand us. Maybe we speak louder and slower.
(13:23):
Why I am five? Let her talk when you're talking?
Why you goddamn immigrant? Damon child? But no not, you
don't work at the Cowfornia. I think Ja Bob's onto something, Papa.
(13:48):
This is not going well. I know, my son. Please
please we are we are from Poland. What what is
he saying? Understand me? Um um? What's your name? What's
your name? Sish love sloppy? Listen to their goddamn animal bleating?
(14:19):
Please please, I'm Spanish, Loveski, you're sloppy, and you're you
work for a sheep? You work for sheep? All right?
Welcome immigrants to your first day of being an American.
Make some noise, alright? A couple of a couple of
things you need to know. There are some amendments. Go
over those. You have those pamphlets. Also, we no longer
(14:40):
drink water. You all get a two later bottle of
Coca Cola Classic. There you are pastels around. That's right,
that is your new water. Um. Okay, we also have
a national food here. Anybody take a guess national food? Bread? Close? Close?
Was Apple? P close? It's McDonald's. Can we all say
(15:03):
McDonald's terrific? Terrific? Now you all also get one credit
card each. There you are. This is plastic for who
that's not going to act as your money? Just sign here.
Don't worry about the numbers. Yeah, thats a pr that
(15:25):
doesn't that doesn't. It doesn't matter that. Um, you don't
need to. You're in America. I have to sign the paper.
Don'd the hell to name? Yeah? Just oh, I see
the paper. I have to rut the name. Don't worry
about it. Okay. Now it's not for us to all
sing the national anthem. No barn in the USA. Everybody,
(15:53):
now just say this over and over. Say, isn't this
song actually like protest song against Vietnam? You don't know
what you're talking about? Okay, I mean it's actually kind
of dark song. What is Vietnam? It's nothing, It's nothing,
(16:14):
all right. Now, one last thing to make sure you
are true blue Americans. You're all getting tattoos. History just
following me here, sloppy, pull up your sleeve because you
were going to get a Tasmanian devil holding a basketball.
I'll still be able to get buried in no way.
(16:36):
What do you get? Not no, no numbers, just throwing
that out there. No understood, understood. Let's see, let's see.
What do you you? Who's your favorite actor? A Tasmanian death?
(16:59):
They have to the dog with a ball. I don't understand. Dog.
There is silent comedian back in the home called Slava
hats off. Okay, can you say it's Alwa so funny,
he transcends cultures. I've never heard of him. Can you
say Rambo? Good good? Alright, little guy? Or you're gonna
(17:21):
get a tattoo of a machine gun for Rambo? Now
did we cross the ocean and also go through time warp?
But hey, I don't know. It was your It was
your journey, you know what I mean? It was you
feel like when do you remember when we were in
the Silver tunnel, Silver tunnel. There was a ringing sounding
(17:43):
sound a little wide, and the numbers on the walls.
Maybe that was time warp. One thing's for sure, Wisconsin
is very different than I imagined that being. Oh this
is New York, alright, last last order of business, and
(18:04):
some of us have not got the tattoos. It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter. I can't send my name, I don't
get the devil. How do you all feel about religion
in general as a concept or as a practitioner? Okay, great,
there's your new church. Behold the hard Rock Cafe. That's
(18:27):
what That's what you have to spend your life trying
to figure out this is where and that. Thanks for
shotting out our sponsor hard Rock. Finally they get it.
Collect all the T shirts when you're four. That was
historically accurate, I think so. I think we all learned
(18:47):
something to everything checked out. All right, Let's get to
our alchemist. Here's a scene idea. Two new employees show
up on their first day to work, only to find
that everyone who works at the company is an idiot.
There tumbfound out that the company is still in business
by offering simple, common sense ideas. All the other employees
(19:10):
come to believe the new guys or gals our geniuses,
and they rock it up the corporate ladder to find
themselves president and CEO by the end of the first day.
I drive thousands of miles a month and look forward
to the new episode every week. You keep me laughing
out loud and make my drive just a little bit shorter.
Keep up the great work, and hopefully this scene makes
the cut. PS the Hipster restaurant reviewers was probably my
favorite scene if I had to pick one. Josh Fogot
(19:34):
good taste, Josh great last name. I'm working for your idea.
You must be new here because I don't have her
name in my computer. I hate tend her up. But
where's the bathroom? I know I've been here a few years.
I can't find the bathroom. You know what, if you
behind you, you're gonna go down that hallway. You're gonna
(19:55):
take your second left, and then you're gonna take one
right there, and there's gonna be Can you draw me
of map? Donnie? Okay, okay, whole on one second, Hey, Donnie,
I'm so sorry. Where are the papers? I just gotta
sign this lease and we're done with it just where
the Okay, why don't we walk together to the bathroom?
While I like, don just where are the papers for
(20:18):
the least? I gotta sign it? Get real bad? Listen
with the least papers? Yes, Donnie, where are they? There's
probably in the bathroom. What first, I'm gonna bring her
to the bathroom. Guy, that's really sorry forgotten where the
bathroom is? Like, hey me too? Oh hey Donnie, where
(20:41):
are the papers for the least? The papers for the least? Yes?
Where are they? The lease for the building? We could
try together, but I think it's going to be the
bun leaving the here here, here's a piece of paper
and I'm gonna draw for you. Okay, this is the
whole right, here's the turn and then somewhere down there
there's a picture of a man in a picture of
(21:02):
a woman haunted. What the pictures in Harry Potter are
all hounted? Everybody, don't forget today we have two new
members joining the team. Two new members joining the team.
Are you one of those members? What are you talking
ab I've been here for six years, so it's not you. Okay,
(21:24):
Well I'm not knew what. I've been working here for
a long time. I don't know about six years. Look,
what are you talking about? How do you not know me? What? Luke?
How do you not know me? Yeah? Done it? Just
give me the least papers and I'll get the hell
out of your papers. I don't know what papers. We're drawings.
I don't want these sketches. Actually, these are beautiful. I
(21:45):
lost it to where's the pants been pants and the
mop pants in them? So are we collecting people's peepee
pants and put them in a bin somewhere in the Hi?
Is there a Donnie here? I'm supposed to. Oh my god,
(22:06):
I see I see your T shirt, says Donnie. Yeah.
Well that's why I have with my name, and that's
why it sets out you look unfamiliar. Yeah, yeah, I'm Curt.
I'm supposed to start today. Kurt oh I was hired
over email. You spell your name like cheese curd a
(22:27):
Kurt with a T cheese curd. Do you spell your
name like cheese Curt? Curtis with a D and Kurt
My name is with a T. He spelled Kurt the
tea makes the cuss ound in that name. He's hurt
like from sound of music, like the kid in the
shorts is the one that turns into a Nazi. They
(22:50):
all do. That's the twist. No, that's not the twist.
They don't turn. And have you not watched Sound of
Music all the way to the end. Get the least first,
get them on the hill alonely gout, Kurt, do you
have the least papers for him? My name? Why would
he have the laice papers? Well, let's ask what do
(23:11):
you do? You work in security, Kurt? What are you doing? Well?
I it does look like the lease on the ground here, Jesus, Curt,
I apologize for the tinkle sprinkle, Um, Donny. It's not
my position to say, but I feel like Kurt just
(23:32):
did your job better than you do your job. That
can't be possible. He just found the least papers in
like ten seconds. I picked them up off the ground. Well,
anyone could have dropped them. I mean, we don't have
a big deal. I don't know. I feel like, what
are you gonna do here? Curry? You're gonna save us? Well?
I was hired to work in human resources. The resources
(23:53):
are humans, uh so, Curt? I've uh I I do
want to touch one of my coworkers, and I just
want to know those you want to touch one of
your coworkers. Yeah, I'd like to tug somebody off and
give them a suck job. Okay, No, you can't do that.
You can't even use that language. I mean that's should
(24:13):
I say it in Spanish or something? No? Not at all.
Who were we talking about? Uh, one of my guy friends,
one of your guy friends? Okay, who works here at
the office? No? If well, if that's not appropriate, I'd
like to stick a finger in their p hole. No,
it's not appropriate at all. Should they do that to
me first? Or no? I mean, work is not an
(24:34):
opportunity to uh, to make sexual contact with other people.
You know, people need to be treated with respect and
dignity and you need to just do your job. Do
you have a minute. Yes, yeah, it's still my first day.
I love what you've done with the office. Well, yeah,
they really threw me in the deep end right away.
(24:57):
What do you do? My just want an opinion. I
just wanted an opinion on anything. You please. I can't,
but well why I don't know? I can't. They say
you have to get measured for one kurd. So I
(25:19):
gave him a suck job and I and I I
don't know if he's gonna call, honestly, and I don't
know if I want him. This is somebody who works
in the office. It's one of my guy buddies. Okay,
well he should be excuse me, do you have Oh,
I see your busy. I'll come back later, come on in,
comeing in. Well it's inappropriate because I really wanted to
(25:40):
make a report about someone in the room. All right, guys,
thanks for coming to the after lunch board meeting. Hope
you all have a good lunch. So did not see
any boards. So this just and we signed the lease.
We got the lease. We signed the lease. We got
(26:01):
the lease, and since Kurd has been here, our numbers
have gone up. That means we're doing better because of Curd.
Well what numbers? What are we talking about? Well, you
know which one. So Curd, you're being moved from h
R to senior vice president. And that he did all
(26:24):
that by noon. That's great, congratulations. What did I do?
That's right? We that's what we're all asking mediated one
section write that word down. Media appraised my breast. I failed,
so did he gave me a great appraisal. I'm taking
(26:46):
it to the bank kerd Okay, what would my duties
be as senior vice president. That's that's something you're gonna
have to find out. But you do you do have
a phone call waiting in your new office? I do, Yeah,
it's I think it's important. Curd. How are you doing today?
I heard you come up from the company real quick. Yeah,
(27:08):
you're the president of the company. Um, would you mind?
Would you mind coming into my office? I'm two doors
to two cubes down. Okay, there's no need to call me. Then,
just just you can hang up the phone. Okay, you're
speaking lader than you need to speak over the phone, Sir.
Can you hear me through the walls? I can hear
(27:28):
you through the walls. Yeah, then come to my office. Okay,
just keep talking. I'm sure I can find it by
the sound of your voice. All right, I'm just gonna
keep talking. Is that you outside my door? Yes, that's me.
Can I come in now? Okay? All right, I'm sorry, sir,
Kurt is here. I really blew it. Oh you're doing
a good job, CURTI is here. Okay, I'm gonna go
back to lunch. You're right. Oh wow, I've heard a
(27:48):
lot about you, Curd, so you must be Mr boy Alice. Yeah,
I am Mr bory Ellie. So it looks like you
have a lot of experience and HR but not a
lot of oriens as vice president. Well yeah, I was
just promoted five minutes ago, Mr Boyalice. Um, if you
could just remind me what the company does. I've got
an important donor on the phone and I'm supposed to
(28:09):
give a spiel. Well we go. We work with a
lot of numbers one through nine, and we at the
zero in there to keep place of the different decimal points.
That's right, Thank you so much, thank you. Those numbers
are up. Still right, they're up, and the quarters are
taking along. Okay, if you don't mind closing that door
behind you as not dog door too? Yes, please, all
of it? Got it there? Dog in the office door? Yeah? Actually,
(28:34):
just put a chair against the door on the outside
so nobody can leave once you're gone. All right, great?
Why why do you have a cat door and a dog? Kurd?
We are kurd, We're curd sucked. Well, what's happening. I've
been I've been fudging the numbers. These numbers are not
what they're supposed to be. I was just told that
they went up six since I've been and there's going
(28:56):
to be hell to pay if we don't keep going
this direction. Okay, well let me see you guys, got
to pack this suitcase. Curt, you are taking my job. Okay, Okay,
it looks like you've just written a bunch of numbers
on a piece of paper, so you're pretty good. You
like this kind of attitude. Just gonna checked the president.
I've lost a lot of money and I gotta checked
it up. President. I'll shoot you right now. You shoot me,
(29:18):
and I'll come back times stronger. What you shoot me? Dead?
Right now? Come back ten times strong. I need to
take the president that the doors are unlocked. Come in.
Well there's a chair. What do you want me to
know about that? Hello? But that's the president? All right?
What is this? What is this? What is this some
kind of prostitute situation? Mr? Buris? I tried to stop him.
(29:38):
It says if I shouldn't, he'll come back ten times stronger.
That's a dangerous nemesis. Now, I don't know which one
of you is the president, but I've lost a lot
of goddamn money. He's a president. You were the president?
Mr Roy, Oh, that's the president. The president fine, how
can I help Curb? It might say that correctly, Kurt
with a team. Listen, Curb, there's something I need you
(30:00):
to know. I left a lot of money and I
need that money back. Now. Okay, what what did you
invest in? I don't know. I think this company just
says you want to put it all on eight? Yes, everything, everything?
You hear me? Okay, I'll write it up there, Barber
do it. Okay, it's gonna take meals right. All right, guys,
(30:20):
um gather around for the post snack board meeting. Um,
we have some good news. Okay. Is the snack really
just one pretzel rod? Each? Oh? Each? Okay? I on
other people? That happens. Um to two points of business here. One,
(30:43):
how's the pe bin looking? The pe pant spin? It's good?
And and I got an announcement, Um, they all get
away during a concert. The Nazis don't get them. I
used the rest of the morning to finish the movie.
That's great. Let's let it load off knowing how it ends.
Because the Nazi loot, we are as a society that's
(31:08):
really like. So I'm looking at some numbers here. I
just got a fact which one one through nine and
it looks like herd here is now going to not
only be the vice president and the president, but also
the CEO of this company he came through. Wait, I'm
(31:31):
not qualified to be the CEO. Well we heard it.
There was an issue with eight, and you handle that beautifully.
And I'll tell you what all of us here we've
had a hard time with eight. My breast looks like
an eight laying down for a nap. And that's a
good point. Well, we'll follow you where every wherever. You
want to tell Mr trap you're leader, I'm not Mr
(31:52):
von Trapp, okay, And i'd work on those harmonies first. Well,
you guys know the numbers one through eight, right, those
are just like the notes of the scale. So do
ray me is a new language. So one is a
(32:19):
needle pulling thread? What where pulling it? Two is um?
Why is the needle pulling the thread? I wouldn't extend
the metaphor that far. Welcome back to the fucking cry
I got it, you don't, you don't, you don't have
(32:41):
you don't have it. Here we go watch this and
welcome back to the New York not we'd call that
you got two directors here, all right? Look thank you,
thank you for you have earned it. You're doing this
in front of Mr Kurd and he just he just
built a build a business from the work with you.
(33:02):
I'm making this up on the spot. My brain is
if you want to Mr Kurb, that's what's going on.
I don't give a ship. He wants to bang you. Look, sir,
I obviously run the New York Stock Exchange television online programming.
Here on the face of it, at least, everything seems
to real a little choic, right now, are you guys
hiring Absolutely not for my position? So yeah, yeah, no
(33:26):
currently open. Yeah, we're looking for a face with like
like you could do this, like he could do this quicker. Alright, folks,
welcome to the New York Stock Exchange television station. He's amazing.
Why okay, I'm sorry, I've never done this. It was
the ratings are of the ratings are off has a
(33:51):
directing pair. We've never seen the numbers leap six in
what was that thirty seconds? Doesn't imply causation exactly exactly?
Who wants to ring the bell? Do you want to
Kurt bing bing bing bing bing? Then we'll go number three,
(34:22):
the final one for today. Hi folks. I recently posted
a comment on old doc Keene's YouTube page and got
a response from him. So I figured you almost be
real people, and I may actually have a chance of
getting a scene through. So there we go. See suggestion.
I would love to hear what activities are pets get
into when we are away from home. I'm sure my
dogtatoes sweet and innocent routine is all a cover up.
(34:43):
I caught him looking his butt yesterday. I didn't learn
that from me. Thank you all for bringing some fun
back into the days. I've heard every episode at least
twenty times. You could ask Vanessa to work in a new,
gravelly voiced character like the motor ladge owner Sharante or
the cruise captain. Then I would probably cry laughing and
cause a car wreck. James, you're consistently creating my favorite
characters in the show. That is, until Vanessa whips up
(35:04):
yet another hillbilly with emphysyma ps. Please asked Joey to
stop eating his product on the air from Tampa, Florida.
I don't need my own come, okay, I just want
to say it. Okay, for the record, he protest too much. Okay,
I don't need my own come and my animal, my
dogs just eating his comments, not because I've watched me
(35:24):
do it. Okay, yeah, So just so just so we're clear,
my dog because because it didn't watch me do it,
and it's not doing it because I can we just
go on this getaway. Yes, let's just drop the dog
off here. Please come, just get the okay. Look, so
for the record, if you see the dog out and
eat it up, it's not because it's on me do it. Okay,
(35:45):
we're not. We don't think that. And also we're leaving.
I know we're leaving, so let's go. I just want
from high weights. I just want you to know, okay
here at pups and stuff that I don't do that. Listen,
we are very good with chain dogs. Go out of
town and there will never be another situation where we
take an e or a human being or a child.
(36:07):
So your dog is completely safe this doggy hotel. So
just so you know, I have somen thumbs onto the
front pause of my dog. Okay, and if it does
happen to tug off it's and it out there and
it eats it up, it's not because it saw me
do that. I didn't train the dog to do that. Yes, babe,
we can go on a bit. Okay, I assume that
(36:30):
everything's gonna be fine, Tyler, give me a second here. Okay, ouch,
I'm trying to give me a second. Go of my neck. Alright, alright,
give me a second here, got it? All right? Cool?
So just so we're clear, all right, And the thumbs
aren't gonna gang green. They're sterilized, they're vinegarrized. Well, the
thumbs are weird, but I think we can handle this dog.
(36:51):
It's nothing too out. Okay, check out, check out with thumbs.
What's going on with that? That's disturbed? Well, what's your story?
Cal got lucky? I guess my daddy give me some
thumbt Just because he sows thumb human thumbs doesn't make
(37:17):
the function. What are you some kind of mutt? Yeah,
I'm a little bit of everything and gets one of
thumb functions as a tomb functions. And this one's enough
to tell you know. I thought the doms are weird,
but the dog's weirder. Yeah, what are you some ball
dog mix? Bulldog? Droopy? But fun? You don't work to fun?
(37:44):
Can you? I don't tell you, but I can look
at that's a disgusting a ball slack. No, they took mine.
They took mom to ball slack. It was we heard
us for charity, so we donated a balls. Like look
(38:05):
at these gems. Look we're like carry around with me
like that. You want to slope on that ball? Dog place? Boys,
that's a rod on that. I'm got two balls and there.
Stop talking about it. I count on it. I wish Okay, lunchtime,
(38:26):
Hey go, good boy? Whoa hey, I'm gonna put a
lot of sauce on this forum, a little bit of
Oh my god, Mark, what is oh my did that dog?
Just did you see that? That was wild? That's not
(38:48):
supposed to be. It's not a good thing. We gotta
clean this ship up, my cam, don't touch my car.
Jesus Christ, Mark that one for giving me. How do
you come in five seconds like that? What do you
think about? I have to think about it, my ball sack.
Your heart is a rock. Damn right, I'm hard, I'm
cli hard. Come over, look, stop, let go with me.
I got this job for you. Okay. My name is
(39:10):
on the line here from my car. Anything, Oh my god,
I'm gonna throw. I'm gonna throw what you get when
you got a ball nug Come on, Mark, Mark, can
you come up front? Yes, Hey, what's up? Did you
(39:33):
You didn't say that that she was your girlfriend? Does
she your girlfriend? That you? I mean, she's a girl.
It was my friend type of thing. You guys have
been kind of like close working. I know, look between you.
I mean, like, yeah, we're kind of seeing each other.
But I don't think it's that I don't want to.
She was crashing on my place and she had no money,
and it was like getting really weird. And we both
(39:55):
have a drug habit, you know that. I mean like
a light drug habit, and so like I couldn't just
keep paying for at all. So I needed her to
get a job so she can get a little scratch
so we can keep up with the injection. We've been
in a lot of trouble here for all the different
fiascos at this dog hotel. He just needs you to
keep yourself together. Okay, whatever you do when you leave here,
(40:15):
I don't care. And you're the best boss you honestly
and like. But by the way, that little ship too
came over all the food and all the dogs are
eating it. He came over by all the food on
ejaculated a little nug everywhere, dude, and I'm talking like ropes, dude,
all over the dog. Listen. It sounds to me like
(40:36):
you've been making out and it's disgusting. Keep your trashy
habits away from Okay, if there's if I walk in
there and there's anything disgusting on the dog food, I
want to say something I don't think. Stick and close
your eyes. I can fill your you't. I want all
(40:59):
the names. My name's peanut, Peanut. Okay, what's your name?
Fresh Bulldogs And that's the dumbest name over heard. You
got no balls in your name? Florance Wall. Look, I
can't drunk. I just ate your comb. So I feel
like I've already o this total both. You know what
(41:21):
I was thinking. We could some other dogs or some
cats or something. I could come on them and then
you can lick the cat and I can watch you
lick the cat. I'm happy you've got a healthy and
productive sex life, but more complex, man, I got more
going on? Well you got going on? I don't see
(41:42):
a no ball sad going on? Well you got titties, Well,
I just have prominent nipples. I don't know. Milk come
out of them cities. Hey, listen, baby, honestly, um, we
gotta keep it cool. Yeah, I'm trying to keep it cool. Okay,
so cool, come on, shoot up and fuck We will
(42:04):
at six p m. Okay, but right now it's work time,
so I need you to go in there and deal
with the cats. So turn them hot and cold, deal
with the go to ca Okay, okay, cat sing Stuary,
here you go. Can I come with I don't know
what the funk this daring to say to me, but
I like your energy. This is thumbs What the fu? Yeah,
(42:26):
let's get in here all right. Cats, listen up. I
don't have a lot of time, so what am I.
I'm just gonna pour this water on the ground and
then I'm gonna dump all this hay out so you
can eat it all right now? Everyone playing nights. I
have to nap. Don't do any mo mate, don't I'll
(42:48):
just watch all eat today. That's all. Okay. We know
we're supposed to be mortal in me. That's gonna be
a fright of air. You girl, cut our boyd cut.
I'm a girl girl. I gotta also could go with
their ways. I don't know A bunch of dogs don't
like balls. I still call themselves a man. We're all
girls here, Oh girls, let's look at dog. I bet
(43:09):
you're gonna come on things and think it's impressive plan.
Why did you say that, your calico? Bitch? Who you
think you're the first dog to wander in here? No?
Look at your pathetic human thumbs? Vinta Grosze and the
snift tossed. What's your name, Chalico? Wouldn't you like to know?
(43:32):
But this patch is your basic bitch? Is it patches? Patches?
How did you guess? Patches that will take you by
the neck, the top of the neck, not to kill
somewhere scraff alone. But I just I don't know if
I want to drop the cat off. You know, maybe
I should just take it with us and just get
rid of the care. I'm gonna get the cat. I'm
(43:53):
gonna drop it off and they we'll pick it up
after our trip. It's like, I feel grossed out just
knowing that that cat is running around the place. Look,
I got that cat with my first husband. Okay, it
means a lot to me. Those are memories. And now
you're onto your second husband. Okay, And I get to
say what we do with the cat? Come on, it's
fifty How is it I have the relationship that I
(44:17):
want to be. Come on, Raymie, please, No, we're going
on the trip and we're dumping the cat off. Welcome
to dogs and stuff. You guys here to drop off
that cat. Yes we are, and we're going to pick
it up after. Okay. Couple questions in the questionnaire, Um,
how long will you be leaving the cat with us?
Two weeks? Two weeks? Terrific. So we are going to France. Yes, okay,
(44:38):
that's my next question. Where's your destination? We're going to France? Um?
What types of surprising her food allergies? Do you guys have?
Kind of food at? What? Whether does that match? She's
answer him, Ramie cheese. I mean she's literally just about everything.
I mean, a leather um, feathers, tethers, feathers in tethers. Okay,
(45:01):
and then last one and that was six years ago,
and I been here have a since, and now we're too.
They won't I don't care. I'm a cat. Seems like
you care. I don't seem like you've got a little
tear in your heart. Crying my calm now Francois. I
(45:25):
hate to say this, but I want to kill that dog. Yeah,
me too. I've never wanted to commit violence in my life.
Well before he went out of the room, he ripped
her tits off, all right, was one of the dogs
I gotta put down? Well, honestly, the dog's not here.
I don't know what happened. Look, I got let me
kill one. Do I'm sure we'll find it. It's it's
a very weird dog. One of the dogs. How much
(45:46):
shoot in the back of the hand and the I'm
gonna get out of here. Listen, Larry, we aren't killing
one of these talks. These dogs are good dogs. There's
a dog here with some ginge of ices thumbs on
the gum disease on this. I don't know what it is,
but it's not it's I believe it's a holy sh Stephanie, Stephanie, baby, Yeah,
you guys, let go with that dog. They're looking for that.
(46:08):
It's mean baby. Get out of the banby, get out
of the room, closet, my baby cry. Look, I don't
know what the hell is going on with you anymore. Okay,
I got you this job. I'm done. Wait wait ba oh, crying.
(46:30):
I hoping this guy puts that dog down, he puts
you down? What do he's turning out? You heard me?
You heard me? All right? Man, look you honestly, either
gotta pay me now or I'm gonna off one of
the door. Either what um? Okay? If I pay you now,
will you still kill the dog that I need killed? Look?
I got two minutes here and then I'm out. Okay,
(46:52):
here's your money and these are all one dollar bills.
I mean these are tips. I get tips. Okay, Old,
we gotta get that dog in here. Let's let's lure
it in. All right, Look at all this stuff that
news are coming on. There's so much stuff. You could
come on in here, Hi, doggies, it's the cats. We
(47:13):
heard that that that guy's here to kill the bell
worst dog here? Is that right? Can we help you? Yeah?
We're aman am. I wish something would come on me?
Is that good? No? I guess not. I could use
it again. Oh god, that's coming on this lady, lady
in the broom closet. He's a junkie. She didn't care
(47:36):
what crazy like? Hey, what are the cats throlling that?
I'm gonna be honest, I'm seeing cats and dogs. Larry
the one dog with the human thumbs that are turning
green shooting, think about. I don't think about it. I
(47:57):
don't know what that is. I don't know what that is.
That's the god. Don't even think about it. It alright,
go everybody save me, Save me. Now, everyone, come in
front of me, Come in front of you, down the barrel,
I can name, come raight, ad think about. We want
(48:22):
you to know it was us. It was us. The
w I don't care watch this. This is going to
be my most I feel like, OHI it was great
(48:45):
for us, Tyler, thank you. Okay, I think it was fantastic. Okay,
let's get her done. Yes, I'm here to pick up
my puppy. Um, what the hell happened to the store? Well,
some of that is fire, A lot of that's cut blood.
And yeah there was a fire. But obviously it's out
right because which was your dog thumbs the ship suit
(49:09):
with the tom's Listen, I got bad news. It turns
out what don't see what you're about to say? This
guy will fucking go crazy. Is something happens, I'm gonna
go now so they've I'm gonna go nuts. Listen we
tried to put it down. What we tried? What mean
you tried to What do you mean you tried to? Well,
(49:31):
I had an exterminator, a puppy exterminator. Come on, killer
hit man, let's not use awful words like that, but
you try to kill my dog? Well, it was coming on.
It was an immigrant. Do you understand that I didn't
know that. Yes, excuse me. I'm here to pick up
my cat, my my wife's cat or whatever. The fuck. Well,
six years ago we got we got bad or news
(49:53):
for you. We didn't think you were coming back for what.
Huh is this dogs and stuff? Yeah, it turns out
its It used to be all different kinds of banimals,
and now we put dogs and stuff to make it
pretty clear we don't take cats anymore. Yeah. Well, dropping
over a cat six years ago and just here to
get the cat. Your cat went blamo, cat, Your cat
(50:15):
went blamo went some some ejaculate from a dog got
into a I don't need to hear this. I probably
don't want to hear this. What the hell is going on?
Where's my ship? Your ship suit got away? It's out
there somewhere. It's alive, though it might be the only
goddamn animal that survived that day first time on the railroad. Yeah,
(50:40):
I like some of those tracks. What kind of dog
are you? I'm a seventeen different kind of the muddiest
mud of the world. You got a big whole nut
slack now, yeah, goddamn right. You know how you get
on this train. You gotta come for fair. That's going
to be a problem. Stuff you can walk, Daddy, Look
(51:11):
a puppy. A puppy, well you want that puppy kid? Oh,
it looks send sick, It looks adorable. Some kind of
hobo dog. Hi, hobo dog. I want to make you
all better. Here has some water boy may look look
(51:33):
at his paws, Daddy, look at his paws. Well, somebody
sewed human thumbs on his paws and that adorable. That
makes him unique. Nug in this water bottle. Be sure
to span new to your pets. And that's our show
start today. All right, Let's thank our alchemist, Chris Alorado.
(51:54):
Thank you, and you're welcome. Anything going on you want
to plug just you know, keep loving each other. Everybody
really positive, but a positive command. Vanessa Raglan just a
joy to be here than Craig Twitter past watch Wine
(52:18):
Country on Netflix, watch Drunk History on Comedy cent I
gotta work, people, gotta work. I'm not here for pleasant trees.
I'm here to advance my career. Down, Just sit down.
J so glad that he broke the ice, because That's
what I'm gonna do right now. I've got at least
the second episode of this Rusher thing with John Bolton.
(52:40):
You can find it on my Twitter, which is at
the heat Nice. Joey is a less aggressive plug, but
only because he was so aggressive and normal. Thank you,
Thank you so much for having me. And um, if
anyone wants to come over for dinner, um, what else?
(53:01):
I'm not gonna give that up. But what else did
I want to say? You can wrap it up? Um,
just wrap it up. I feel like him. Philibus Curry
is where people tune in for nice. Well, let's thank
our audio and dar engineer Doug Babe, our post sound
design artist Raphael Brito, our producer Sophie Lichterman, and lastly,
(53:25):
I heart media. I encourage you all to write a review.
Tell everyone you've ever met right to us at your
name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your name
here at Alchemy this dot com for Capvin Pollock. I'm
Cold Stratton until next time a football pl
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!