Expedition to the Center of the Earth.

Expedition to the Center of the Earth.

Bullfighter Branches out.

ER patient can only speak in movie quotes.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This I'm your
guest host could filling in for a little while now
for Kevin. Let's meet everybody this week. First up, it's
James Haney. James, have you ever gone to a rent
fair or a similar meat ever convention? I have never
been to a rent fair, but I went to a

(00:24):
some sort of It was like that, but it wasn't
Civil war. I guess it was just like uh, the past,
I don't remember. It was like a lot of the
past festival. Well it was so much and I don't know.
It was like a colonial thing whatever, Like people were
dressed like in colonial where. Yeah, I guess it was like, yeah,

(00:47):
that's exactly what it was. And they was like selling
like Buffalo burgers and like weird things. But yeah, it
was not a rent fair because that's what I thought
it was going to be when I went, like knights
and like you know, medieval times. But it was just
like you know, poor people. Sounds fun. It was great.
Next up Chris Alvarado, Chris, have you ever pranked someone

(01:11):
or been pranked? Yeah? I've been pranked. I think pranks
are mean and stupid and I don't like them. Agreed. Yeah, Um,
and I knew there was a prankster at my college.
And and if you're a prankster, if that's your deal,
you're typically evil in general. You know what I mean?
If you get off on other people suffering and pain,

(01:33):
I don't think that's fun. So don't fucking prank me.
You don't fucking do anything like that anybody. Okay, that's mean.
I struck a nerve. What what happened? What was the plan?
You don't get You don't got to relive it. It
was it was a summer full of pranks. We were
doing these one acts at this those college, so I

(01:55):
don't even recall the It was like every time I'd
walk into it and oh, let me tell you this
really quick. So we were doing short of short form
uh improv show and and my teacher, Kevin Hoggard, I
used to teach Steve Carrell, and fourty year old virgin
just came out and there was like there was whispers
that Steve Carrell might join us at the small community
college for a show one night. So there was multiple

(02:18):
shows per night. Different Anyway, I left after my show
and I went to a barrow. Some friends were seeing karaoke.
Then the prankster calls me. He calls me and says,
and I hear him. I hear him, go tell him.
He goes, hey, Steve Carrell's here, and I was like, okay.
He's like no, honestly, we're gonna go to Danny's with
him afterwards. And I hear people laughing. The next day,

(02:40):
I show up every person there was no where like
there was an iPhones back then. Everyone had a digital camera.
Showed me all the photos of them and Steve Carrell
sitting in a booth at Danny's on stage. I'm not
kidding you. Like he walked out on stage during a
show and everyone this is when he was like, I mean,
he's terrific, but like just really big, blowing up and
like all because I didn't trust this guy. The brainster.

(03:04):
The ultimate is the boy that calls cries Steve Carrell
and you're like, I don't believe you this time, and
he was, I tell you all right. Next up, Jackie Gonzalez, truth, Jackie,
what song or movie makes you misty when you think
of it? Um? Wow, I recently watched It has to

(03:32):
be something that's like recent within me. I don't think
that there's one that like will get me unless I'm
like talking with somebody about it. So recently I've watched
UM and don't get me wrong, I cry pretty hysterically
during the movies and for like weeks afterwards again talking
about it, but none that like every time. But I

(03:54):
recently watched and it destroyed me. It was I had
already seen it, I knew, but didn't matter. Um, it
ruined my life. No, it's a great movie, but I
did cry like UM to the point where, and I know,
my face after crying, I looked in the mirror and

(04:14):
I was unrecognizable. I was so I was the color
of my deep maroon shirt. My face, it just looked
like my head was about to pop off my body
like it looked like a cartoon ready to explode. Um.
And definitely for like a week after see you, Oh
you know which one. I'm so sorry, beautiful boy, Steve Corral.

(04:38):
We gotta give props to our Steve Coral and Timothy
Timothy Timothy Shallow. Ma yikes, that one will get me
every time. A month after I watched that movie. Cole
is the lead. Oh my god, look at all these
little strings. Cole is the name. No, it is not
a name of anybody in that movie. But somebody came

(05:01):
up to my restaurant and said, Hi, I'd like the order.
I'll tell you, don't worry, Hi, I'd like to order.
And I said, what's your name? And they said Cole.
In the movie Mr Holland's Opus, Mr Holland sings beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
beautiful Cole. And because of that connecting with beautiful boy,
I started to cry in this stranger's face. He didn't

(05:27):
tip me. No, I don't know what, but I definitely
cried in his immediately, just like Cole. And I was like, oh,
I started to cry. I think I can speak for everyone.
I said, that was a journey well worth taking. Next up, Hey,
Craig Kaikowski. Everybody, Craig, what's your favorite theatrical experience. You've

(05:50):
ever seen some play or something? Oh? Oh, you know,
I saw a lame As at the Kennedy Center in
before it went to odd Way. They tried it out
in Washington first, and that was pretty great. I've seen
lame As many times since then. And that turntable never
gets old, and that that probably would also be my

(06:11):
answer for something that to meet it. It makes me
cry just thinking about Epenine and Cosette and Gavroche four
little four little Gavroche. Jean Valjean, I can sing the
entire you know, Jean very, Jean Valjean showdown. If we
have time, If I could have the time that was granted, Jackie,

(06:33):
just take it. I do, Valjean at last, receive each
other the plane. See, I'm better than frust Good to
flow six so on. Joey Greer is up, guys, Mr
Joey Greer. Joey, I heard a rumor that you're prone

(06:53):
to sleepwalking? What do you end up doing? Who the
fund is saying that? Who told you that? I'm Eric
Steve kraw S. Fuck him? Man. You know, like this
is getting to a point now where I just I can't.
I can't. I don't sleep walk. I just walk. I
don't sleep. I'm walking normally walking. It's not me asleep. Okay,

(07:16):
if you see me walking, I'm not asleep. You don't
just throw water in my face or scare me, which
is also not what you're doing someone sleepwalking. Are we
all in a good place to do this episode? Or well,
let me just say one thing. Apparently they're bringing construction
things into the unit where I'm touching the wall to
that unit, So there might be a point where I

(07:37):
mute everything and just sit in the background. Sorry, how
do you know? How do you know they're bringing construction things?
Because my dogs started barking and I looked out the
back window and they're bringing like tools and things indoors.
So bring those construction things in here? What do you mean?
What things? All? Right? Well, good luck to you, Craig.

(08:00):
We'll be rooting for you. Let's do a damn show, Shelly.
All of our c suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails,
or from our Patreon v I P s. To become
a Patreon supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content
and other perks, just head on over to Patreon dot
com slash alchemy this. If you'd like to submit a
scene suggestion via email, please write to the podcast at

(08:22):
our new email address, Alchemy this at all right, Alchemy
this email at gmail dot com. That's dot com. Scene
one is from Patreon v I P Toivo, who wrote,
Hello Kevin and the comedy Extrodinaires. Even though my paral
heart still aches because of Vanessa's absence. You guys, keep

(08:42):
it all trucking and trolling, still making the best show
in podcast world. Today's scene suggestion from Finland, an expedition
to the center of the Earth runs into a secret
horder colony deep in the planet's crust. Yours faithfully and
Joey rules, L O L that five ou from Finland's

(09:04):
good more meters down we can make a camp here.
Do you think you're gonna see I'd like to see
some goblins. I'd like to see some goblins, some cre
just some just some creatures. Too late, We're too tired
to have this conversation with you again. Okay, we're here
to extract, extract some samples and hand back up. Yeah,

(09:25):
but wouldn't it be fun if in addition to extracting
samples we also saw some I do know, goblins, you know,
just push your luck, Trencher. Alright, look, for all we know,
anything could be down there. Alright, we've cracked further down
than any other expedition going down to the center of
the earth. So anything down here, let's keep her. What's

(09:46):
about to Probably we're going to take up to inspect.
Probably not. Maybe we're going to see bacteria. Maybe we'll
see some sort where we just say, but if we
run into a goblin, do you think that it would
fall in love with me? Well that's not who knows,
but goblins, Oh, goblins, g shall find down there. He's

(10:15):
an old, weathered mining captain. I know what I'm saying.
He's just he's our hired porter. Just carry the ship
and don't tell us anything with my crew. Back and
out three and yeah, three and oh we went deep.

(10:40):
I'm the only one who really thinks that's an issue
here nineteen? How how old are you? There? Found something
down there that keeps you the same age year when
you found it? So something? Look, Henry, look see there's
something is that's it's made out of something, and you
only find if you get down to the middle and

(11:03):
survive the golden Anybody, wake up, look at me, look you,
thank you. We are cheez Loise. Listen. We're all a
little tired, we're exhausted, probably dehydrated. We don't need to
go into these fairy tales. Now. We're gonna set up
camp here first in the morning, we're going deeper. Okay,
set up camp? What what, Marly what? I was just

(11:25):
excited that tomorrow we're going deeper. I was just I'm
looking forward to my sleep, and I hope that I
dream of marrying a goblin. Keep away, keep away? What
the hell is that? Just based on my body, I
think it's a goblin. Hold on a second, look at

(11:48):
these Look at these footprints. There looks like their size
nine of that three toes what you might want to
heat the goblin's warning? As I must say, I'm the
only one that came back from my expedition, so it
is a but anything, you know what I mean? Like

(12:12):
maybe they all died because they were coming at it
in an aggressive way. But if we come at it
in a seductive Remember, come out of coursive way, everyone,
this is my cave. There he is. Oh, oh my gosh,
how do I look? Keep away? Keep away? Wait? Wait
wait wait, I could see behind him. You weren't illustrated?

(12:35):
What christine Christine quality except for the swimsuit issues. Slightly used,
lightly used. So many dead cats around here. It's good
to see it again. Globle tricks you who I remember? Yes? Yes,

(12:56):
not long ago, not long I saw you? Yes? Yes?
Are you putting on lipstick? And if I tie my
shirt like this, it'll look like a bikini put your
top to Yeah, so you know they're gonna ring the belt.
We just pull that rope and then everyone will just
start coming right back up pretty straightforward to ge here,

(13:16):
you know. But yeah, so just take your time, you
don't chill out. They're going all the way to the center. Yeah,
they said you're gonna go down to the center and
come come back up. So because they're like a like
a hot core like yeah, yeah, that's what the theories
have stated. But hey, they're saying this. We're just rope guys.

(13:37):
You know. Do you think we did we give him
enough slack? Oh yeah, that's like uh rope right, hey,
coming through a construction things, make way, I got construction
things hold but a hole here. Okay, we got a
rope going down here, scientists down there, buddy, you can

(13:58):
start me bringing construction stuff right. He did it announced himself,
which is the that's proper protocol. He announced that's Osha.
That's Osha right there. Yeah yeah, alright, at the kids later,
good luck what you're doing. Hey, we're not a kid, buddy,
We're a grown man. Are you understand that? Asshole? Hey?
Fuck yous hey, fuck you? All right, look Maryland you

(14:19):
can go on your date or whatever. But here's what
I'm doing. I'm sticking to the game plan. I'm taking
samples tomorrow morning, and I'm headed back up. Okay, it's
going on. Can we just focus for a second. We
just found goblin Stone here, all right now, listen, alright, Look,
I got a shotgun. This is the only long arm
I god, I got two other revolvers. Okay, Now, I

(14:40):
don't know who I trust with that, but we gotta
focus up, all right, because we gotta go to the
Goblin's then, and we gotta kill Why did you bring
firearms in this expedition because we're going to the center
of the earth. What are there's dinosaurs? Okay, what if
there's a right second, everybody calmed down, Maryland. If you're
going in there, take this a peace sofferging it's a

(15:01):
Sports illustrated football phone. Okay, offering. I think he's into me.
Whatever you do, don't mention the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues.
Do not go in there. We don't know what the

(15:22):
thing is. We don't know if it's human, we don't
know what it eats. You're mind out, No, God, Jesus, listen,
all right, this thing could kill you. I could kill
I'm with her, what's up? She's an explorer and and
and and she needs to go explore here. At least
give her one of the your guns. Come to see

(15:44):
my magazines? Yes, I or Hersheiser Sportsman of the Year. Yes,
Christine mint mint, I love mint chalk a chip ice cream.
If we could maybe get some scoops we could share.
I could lick one side and you could like the other.

(16:08):
Here's the foot like to lick. I liked my precious,
my precious, my precious football. All right? Now, what what
are the chances he's not alone? What if this is
an entire colony of people down here like this? Huh
no fucking ship. That's why I said we shouldn't have
Maryland go in there. What the hell is behind him?

(16:30):
We don't even know. There's an entrance to a cave
and entrance to the whole vein. The actual doctor here,
the only one here with the PhD. Thank you, he's
a Cairo practor I'm a doctor, asks the one guy
who's been here before. But why just a border now?

(16:50):
As a doctor who studied science to become a doctor,
I don't believe in goblets. Okay, most reasonable explanation is
this old man came down here years ago and this
is probably a family member of his from the past.
I don't know. Not goblins don't exist, thank you. Now

(17:13):
you have three guns or did you give one to Maryland? Maryland?
Of course, So you're saying we have two hundred meters
of rope, yep, it's like a fifth of a kilometer. Yeah, yes,
as far as they're getting I mean that's as far
as well, that's the first farter. We just can't bring

(17:34):
them back up, is what you're saying. Right, that's right,
they can go further. So yeah, I guess. So look,
all we gotta do is worry about if that bell
rings start jacking that rope, and yeah, they'll be swinging
all the way up here. And that's that. Don't want
to sound paranoid, but is it possible that that rope

(17:54):
isn't connected with them anymore? Because I it's I think
plassible they went further than two d is I mean,
how's that paranoisa? I don't know. I mean, I guess, yes, yes,
come come, you must meet my friends, my friends while
meeting your friends already, this must be going so well. Yes, yes,

(18:17):
I like to lick. Yes, look look at his collection,
Look at his collection? Wow, these are these are national geographics? Yes, yes,
mint mint, pany babies. See the baby babies. Maybe that

(18:44):
one can't read. I guess this is wonderful. I love
it down here. I feel like I belong and I
knew that I would. What do you collect? Um? Sample samples, sample,

(19:04):
rock samples, A lot of rocks, rocksogyst so um, some
dirt samples, um, some glacial core samples. UM. I can't
keep them in my house. I wish that I could. Um.
I'm keep the lab Doug Fluti the past, that past,

(19:29):
all right, you know what. I've had enough of this.
I'm getting on here, all right. You can go deeper
if you want. You can shoot everybody if you want.
What's up? I don't understand. There's no urgency between you two,
No like too, so what we don't know if it's
a goblin, We have no idea what it is. You're right,
I'm not a scientist. Okay, I wish I'm gonna join.
Let me just line your back up. Okay, they don't

(19:49):
touch me, don't don't. That rope is way the hell
up there. Okay, we let go of the road, but
we climb down this whole way. I'm climbing back up.
I'm bringing the bell. I want by by by tonight,
having a fucking burger. Construction things coming. Oh, shoot the rope.
Oh now you're doing when you just drop the fucking rope? Man,

(20:14):
you know, construction things come with? Did announce himself? What
the fuck is? It's just a goblin, dumbasses, This is
the fucking rope. Okay, we are We're fucked. We're suggest
just start collecting because we're gonna be down here for

(20:35):
a while. My brains out. Give me the gun, give
me no back up. Don't give it to him. I'm
not gonna keep get realigned. You need to get realigned.
Don't touch me, don't I'm not going to touch Pirety
Prospectory guy. What what what do you say? He's a
former mining captain. Okay, captain, what do we do? Well?

(20:55):
We better make good with the goblins and start collecting things?
Or that I'll eat you. They'll fucking eat so, they'll
eat you. So they will eat you, so they will
eat you, they will eat you. Oh my god. All right,
I'm gonna go find Maryland, you too, stay right here.
Give me a gun. No, no, don't give it to him?
What you need? Three guns? Yes, I do. You said

(21:15):
you're gonna kill somebody, not going to now, I mean
for my own protection exactly, which means you're gonna break
and you're you're not getta gun. I'm finally Maryland, okay
by my ankle? Oh oh my god. No, you should,

(21:36):
you should. He probably needs I'm a back doctor. What
are you doing? If we close the door, it will
be easier to wait. There's a door here, gold me
the way to go home. I'm tired. Sorry, I'm just

(21:58):
shanting it. I wonder how Marylyn's doing. Start Start your collection,
or you will be eating. I don't want to collect
human remains. This is my friend. Collect him him. There's

(22:20):
a gun. There's a gun in my pocket, right out
of your misery. I understand. Kill them. They're gonna eat it.
That's the most guaranteed that I'll actually kill you in restently.
Sometimes you miss hey, Marilyn. Wait, so you're seeing they're
actually good guys and they want us to come hang out. Yeah,

(22:42):
I mean they just they have interest, they have copies
and they just want to share your just like splutter
blood on your chin. Oh yeah yeah, and uh again
when the construction crew came over knocked the rope down.
So I don't think it's anything to blame on anyone
who was a mistake, but could happen to anyone, could

(23:04):
happen anyone, could have anyone. So um, but let's be honest.
The mistake was done by the construction guy. He completely completely.
There is somebody, of course, of course, So I mean,
fuck useing ding ding. It's just not a collection. If

(23:25):
I only have one, I need to three as many
as I can get. Let me go, let me go.
So come on, Roy, what do you want? Head shot
or heard shot. I've already done the head Let me
try and see if I can get that hard all right,
all right, willing to call anyone on my precious. And

(23:50):
that's our first scene, seem too. It's from listener Robin,
who wrote Hello Dogs and Cats, First time, short time,
long time, My good alchemists love the show, loved everything anyway.
My scenes suggestion is as follows. Bullfighter branches out, other animals,

(24:13):
other activities. Anything is good as long as it isn't
fighting bulls. Thanks Ricardo, Why do you want to leave.
I just kept endorsed this, this cruelty to animals. Luis,
don't don't ever enter my room again. Okay, Ricardo, why

(24:36):
why is this? You know I always thought growing up
that he was about fighting the bull. But we killed
the bull. Yes, that is what happens in the fight. Yes,
we hook came with with poison, and this lowly gets
weaker and weaker, and then we cut the head off

(24:59):
the bull. Yes, and we hold it up for all
to see. But we eat the bull after. Yes, not
the poisonous parts. Not the poison, not the poisonous parts.
It's true, but it's not good. I don't know what
to say. You are disrespecting your family, disrespecting your city. Look, Miguel,

(25:23):
tonight I'm going to fight rabbits. What no, no, no, no,
you can't fight a rabbit. I'm going to fight rabbits. No, no, no, no.
Rabbits will be inside that are only there will be Toro.
But they'll also be Louise Spanish. Louise, you entered that room,

(25:50):
told me that I had to leave. Louise, you're so embarrassing.
You embarrass yourself again. No, I didn't Tom bars myself
a mom, I was just trying to make it. Listen,
I'll tell you the real embarrassment is, well, let's just say,
there won't be any torro fighting tonight. It's gonna be

(26:10):
a bunny red What's what is? Huh? What? What? What? Louise?
What we have here is a failure to communicate. Look,
you make yourself a man? Are you? You're Luise? Correct? Great? Hi? Hi?

(26:34):
How are you doing? I'm just you told him I
was supposed to meet you here. You're you're my tour guide,
supposed to give me a little like insight toward the arena.
And yes, I'm just I'm not just supposed to go inside.
So we're gonna have to wait until that guards there
takes his lunch break and there's a very short window.
Well we'll be able to speak in for the tour. Okay, cool,

(26:55):
it's amaute. How long have you lived your entire life
into letter or Oh? Absolutely? That's how I get this
this accent. I know it might be hard for you
to hear it because of the community peace and skills
I have, but just give it to me. Now's our chance. Come, come, come, Okay, hooray,
But go ahead, ask me anything about the culture of

(27:17):
of our place that we live in here. That's right?
Are you famous for swordmaking here? No? No? What a
famous for bullfighting? Look around at this colosseum tonight it
will be full with people who will be cheering for

(27:39):
the bullfighter in here. Actually, if babe, did you go
out without me? Um? Yeah? Sorry, I didn't want to
wake you up in the hotel. I just got back
three pm. How did I sleep this late? I'm usually
I don't know. Are you feeling okay? I'm feeling I'm
feeling just groggy, but I don't feel sick. I feel

(28:01):
like I don't know. I mean one time I was
what is this? Is this a football telephone? So you're
you're gonna go on vacation, but you want a little
time for yourself? Is that right? I understand? Yeah? Yeah, yeah,
I got it. Look, there's a justification. Uh, you're on
in thisification? You want to be on? Right? Thank you? Yeah? Right?

(28:24):
All right? Now listen, I'm going to give you what
I call um, I call it no more wife, but
not like dead. What you just put this Whenever you
want to go explore a part of the city without her,
for instance, you just put a little bit into this too.

(28:45):
I don't feel comfortable with this. We were we were biding, right, Louis,
It's seven pm. Did you slip me some No more, mommy,
but not a dead No. I wouldn't do that, you mom,
I had a tool. I don't know what, Luis. I'm

(29:08):
not whine. I only got a short amount time to
hang out. Please, okay, okay, hold on one a second.
Justin how did you find my home? You gave me
on the back of that business card which actually was
just like an Eyehop gift card or something that. It

(29:28):
doesn't matter. Listen, my wife is passed out. She ate
so much was gone. She's awakeness all right, miss, I understand.
So look, here's what I'm gonna do for you. Okay,
I'm gonna give your husband something I call normal wifey,
but all it is is water droplets. Then you pretend
to pass out. Then you get to have the vacation
you want to have because I like a hotel vacation,

(29:49):
you know, I like to enjoy the facilities, the amenities.
It's my only time to rest. I mean, I'm up
and going in my normal life every day from very early,
you know, so on vacation to chill out. Maybe I'll
go out and eat a sandwich. But what else am

(30:10):
I gonna do? Um? Yeah, I got a ticket. And
also I think we should get another. Um, we should
get someone else to help us with our with our
travel in the future. Okay, why is that? Because I
just Um, did you not have a good time? I
had a great time. Had a great time. Huh. And

(30:33):
the missus she's a great time too. Yeah. I spent
a lot of money on portudo, but you know that's
one in room, good people of Toledo. I have been
known as the greatest torrio door since U Kota Ba.
But I am a torrio door no more. Tonight I

(30:57):
am corneja or as I will be fighting I rabbit. What, Louise,
is this normal disease? Not the normal? I wanted my
mama about this, but no one stopped. No one listen, Louise,
you talk funny, Louise, you don't have good communication skills.

(31:19):
Now look what we see. Also, in the interest of
of avoiding animal cruelty, I will not be killing the conejo,
I will merely be drugging it with conejo. No mass,
but not the dead. But not the dead, no where

(31:43):
nowhere at all, Solimante. I'm sorry, but we don't have
any more pressure. My husband really, I don't know. He
just sent me out to get pressure. Okay, well did
you have to Rome to get to prosut way to Rome? Yeah,

(32:03):
he puts sent me on a bullet train and spin.
That's what. Did you get in the Spain? No? No,
you get that, Ben, Yeah, no, no, no, you get
in the Spain. That's it. This is the age old

(32:24):
disputed between my brother and I. I say this a
little time is a Spanish. I'm sorry. My husband just
kind of tin where you'll get a prost in a
Spain and a way to wrong. I know where I am.

(32:45):
I know where I am. What do you what do
you mean? You put it on a bullet train? Didn't
I give you those droplets? Weren't they doing the job? Dude?
I don't want to use those, Okay, and it freaks
me out? All right? And how the fund did you
get to my hotel? You're following us around here? Yeah,
I've been following you all week? What the fuck? Making

(33:06):
sure you're having a good time? But look we are,
we are, so I just I felt like I needed
to get away and so I got on the train
and I've just been kind of roaming around Rome for
the past three days alone, and I miss him. Ma'am,

(33:27):
you've been saying that over and over, but there's still
a murder on our hands. So tell me exactly where
you were around two pm? Around on two pm, not
around I think I was. Honestly, I was missing my
husband so much. I was pretending he was beside me. Lieutenant,

(33:52):
I'm not sure if this is your jurisdiction. Look, she's
from New Jersey. She not. I was walking till morning.
It's like without him. Y you work for the Newark
Police Department, z Krand. Yes, that's correct. All right, Well

(34:14):
this is an interpol situation. Don't you think I love him?
Don't you think it would be interpol? Are you singing?
Let me sorry? Just miss some time? Miss my husband
so much. I miss my husband. This is my favorite
SONGA from my Apple name it came. I feel like

(34:37):
it's in me and I am all alone. You know,
I'm on my own and I'm thinking about him all
the time. And it's a heartbreaker because she loves Mary.
Lieutenants were sending you overseas, but I gotta tell you
you know it's just a vacation. You're not supposed to
work any cases. Why you're over there, all right, you've
earned this day, came just take a break, my first

(35:00):
time away from a Newark where I have spent my
entire life. Yes, right, but you know there's other people
over there that also worked for this department, and uh,
you know you may cross paths with them, but like
none of used to be working. This is just a vacation, alright,

(35:21):
when you come back refreshed and work more of those
really hardcore Newark cases that we're famous for. All right,
I want to go to Paris to see whether chiefs
starting to rupt. We just found sixteen heads stuffed into
a rabbit La Lucha Centro Juan Roberto Erto Cristo all

(35:56):
on Giggy Day. Louis, Are you sure this is okay?
I mean, we just picked this tortus up. Oh, I
think this is don't worry. I understand everything she's saying,
and it's like I have a hammer for well, I
believe this is the point. We're not going to kill
the bunny, really eat bunny rabbit. It's not a bunny rabbit. Yes,

(36:20):
I know, we're not going to kill the hair. Reluis,
you think about the rabbit. It tackle You're so embarrassing
yourself again, Please just drink, just to drink the water.
It's a fine. I'm not embarrassment. It's it's just to

(36:42):
be the shame of the time. Need you to go
up to wrong to get me some prefuto? Someone said
the Darluis. I told you that I can just do
he trouble justin. I can hang out with you anymore. Everything.
Please listen to me. Okay, I got a line of

(37:04):
a huge case is going on in Newark, New Jersey.
Are you gonna fly with me to the States? We
gotta solved this thing, but I'm supposed to go. Is
you gonna have to push it? All? Right? This is
a big time okase, but it is just are you
sure that I'm trained for days? Huh? Next week on

(37:25):
Newark Internationals And that's our second scene everybody. Scene three
is from listener Kristin Kelly, who wrote the first of
the month and you know what that means. Hello, Craig,
You're a brilliant improviser and a highly knowledgeable cinephile. With

(37:48):
that in mind, I have a scene suggestion, especially for
you the e er of a hospital where a man
has just arrived with an unusual malady. For some reason,
he can only speak in movie quotes. He try, I
has to explain what caused this, and the doctors trying
to figure out how to cure him. Signed that, Kristen Kelly.
I mean it's pretty simple, right, Patients come in, all right,

(38:11):
you say that way, this way, whatever it is, right,
and that's it's just shi it really easy, real simple, yeah,
but nothing to it. Am I supposed to do it
alone this year because I just feel like I didn't
do that well in my intern year, you know, like
I passed the test. Yeah, and don't worry about it now.
There should be somebody here at the desk with you.

(38:33):
We got gunshot, wun't you the stomach? Gun shot on
to the stomach, Thank you, thank you. Just that simple, alright,
just that, just two ways they can go left or right,
you know, Okay, don't worry. Nice you should probably have
to do something my solo, right, But that's a bad it,
all right. Not that I got somebody in the back
of my ambulance and I'm about to bring him in.

(38:55):
But it's a little um I would call it an anomaly.
Believe it's uh, there's a word ghost, but it's it's
something really abnormal, malleble abnormality and abnormality. Thank you. I'm
just a little charred. Okay, Well a second, are you
telling me that there might be some kind of ghost

(39:16):
in there in the back of my ambulance. A man
can only speak. I can't say it. I can't say.
You know what, I gotta I gotta clock. I gotta
somebody's gonna take over it. I've seen this before. If
somebody's freaking out this much because of an anomaly, that
can only mean some kind of poltergeist activity. All right,

(39:36):
So we we gotta those we gotta quarantine that ambulance
and get the right doctors down here. All right, because
this this, I ain't gonna obviously say my ass, don't
they There's no place like home. There's no place like home.
There's no place like home. Yeah, I understand that. I'm
just waiting for them to let me wheel you in. Okay,
And I I don't understand here's looking at me? Kid?

(39:58):
Why do you keep saying that his name is Robert Paulson. Okay,
his name is Robert Paulson. His name is Robert Paulson. Alright,
so listen, here's what's going I'm batman. Okay, Okay, we're

(40:18):
gonna get huge tents. Okay, we're gonna just we're gonna
quarantine this amulance. You both just stay here. They're flying
in the best you have. Man. Hello, damn man, you
just quit right there on the spot. That's great, man,
I guess this beer's on me. Uh, thank you. I
feel like a coward. I feel like a coward. Yeah.

(40:41):
We did run out in the middle of there. You are.
What's going on? We need you, doctor, We need you.
I quit. I just quit, the most doctor in the world.
What wait, I was talking to you, just ran out

(41:02):
like I was a coward. But I thought maybe I
could redeem myself. But doctor, doctor, I'm glad we tracked
you down. It's it's happening again. Jesus Christ. Let's get
a shot over here. What are the odds that I
sat down to us? Well? The best? It was too drunk. So, um,
you got me. I'm gonna help you. I a story

(41:26):
intern tests. So it's gonna be good. It's gonna be
You're talking to me, Yes, I'm talking to you. Um,
I'm going let's see what else around here. You're talking
to me, Yes, I'm just gonna been doing that for hours.
I don't I don't understand it at all. I mean,
like it's it's just the start of a great friendship.

(41:48):
What oh louis is just the start of a great friendship.
I'm gonna just take vitals, and I'm let me take
yours too. I'm thinking this might human head weighs eight pounds.
A lot of people thought that that was true. I
can tell you something, all right, Thank you for every

(42:09):
everybody coming here for this emergency. So it turns out
this condition is contagious now right now, it's contained in
the plastic tents, but we don't know if it's going
to seep out that type of stuff. You know, those
tents are like not like you know, it's not like
a bulletproof, and it's like things can slip out sealed.
I think you were looking for the word hermatically sealed.

(42:30):
So what I'm thinking here is we're gonna keep some distance,
but we still need to know what's Keep thinking that
the ted's gotta be bulletproof and he's got chief resident.
It's all bullshit. It's all bullshit. It's all just it's
because it's all academic crap. All right, that's the politics
of this are Are you still boring up because we're
waiting for you? Okay, I'll fucking fund you all the

(42:52):
way up. That's your problem. That was your problem. Med
school as your problem. Now Okay, you're a genius. Okay,
you've got a gift. Okay, but drink it away it off.
Why don't you turn it on and get in there
and help somebody for once, Get in there and help
somebody from once. Get in there and help somebody from
what I heard, you heard it, Go ahead and make

(43:13):
my day. Adrian a ship. All right, this is doctor.
What's going on? Their vitals are doing well. I did
run a central line just in case I need to
give any more fluids more than just the regular. What
we've got here is failure to communicated. You fuck my wife.

(43:35):
You my wife as you wish, as you wish. It
turns out that this is oh there, you are the
paramedic driver the mt I'm drinking Okay, I want one
MARTEENA put that down. We need to drive. We need

(43:55):
you to drive. You're the only one who knows how
to drive. Stick shift and that van, that paramedic, that ambulance.
No hold on seking, hold on a second, all right,
I mean you, someone's gotta pay this fucking tab alright
because I apparently a doctor ran out and pay ship
and it's on him. So someone pay this for what?
Put it on the government? What? Yeah, I'm man, someone's

(44:17):
gotta pay someone to pay. Hey, lou close, goddamnet. We
gotta get out of here. This is a medical emergency. Yeah,
it's gonna be a medical emergence when I break your ribs,
all right now, somebody's gotta pay for this. The President's
on it. What the fuck are you talking? He Luke,
don't let these pieces here. We need to get a

(44:39):
drive because phone huh wait, he's infected and you didn't
get affected? Because I can't handle the truth. I won't
be good at this. Look, I'll get infected with a
credit harder cash a tab? What's the tab? Six? All right?

(45:01):
Put that on the United States Marine Corps? What the look? Man?
Give me a guy named credit let um. Temperatures are
rising just a little bit. We're still not a field
and need to need for speed. I don't weld not
a here. Wait a second here. Now, last time I

(45:22):
was so remember going to a movie. Let's see here.
Let me see. I think they're doing some kind of
movie thing. I just jog my memories your head. Okay, alright,
we got some new intel. Turns out it's progressed. They
are now finishing each other's sentences. So there's there's the
same movie quote split between two people. This is getting

(45:43):
out of hand. How can we even trust you don't
even know the word herbetically sealed? I mean, I just
did you just shuts us away? Just throw us away?
What were you? Professional? SAMs? And I I was all right,
it looks like that's good. They're deteriorating on the back
and forth. All right, So that that's the progress out

(46:06):
here for a pib second. Let's see here now, I
don't know pop culture. That your head, that's that lump
that's three ft above your ass? The hospital? What is
it I am to see? If I can't trust them?
Here place for a lot of patients. But that's the
important right now. Let's see you damn they're going back again.

(46:29):
Uh shoot, I don't know any movies doing a music group.
We got a driver here, we got a driver. What
are you doing. You're in the tent o. Goddamn content.
It's not gonna affect me. Trust if you build it,
he will come. He's agreed to drive this entire alright.
Drive drive drive drive drive drive drive That cliff, that cliff,

(46:54):
what the just get the pats? Oh thank god, we
got everyone off of the US before it flew off
down to those two guys. Apparently we don't get time
to deal with that. All right, we gotta deal with
these two patients, right, you win me. You gotta fix
this because this can spread around the world. All right,
We're family. This is about family. Yeah, yeah, anyway, yeah said,

(47:24):
life is like a box of chocolates. Hello, do you
own this bar? Yeah? I'm the president. I believe I
owe you some money. Okay, there you are, all right,
so long. Hey buddy, Hey, hey buddy, Yeah your fo short. Hey,

(47:52):
don't thank you for your service? Service? What? Hey? Man? Listen,
I don't give a ship. What kind of present you are?
Coca cola or whatever the hell? All right, you better
pay my goddamn money. The United States, the United States. Yeah,
I can say it too. All right, Now, look, you
own me four? What's his tab? Four? I'll help the

(48:15):
president out here. You go, Hi President, I'm Steve Carrell.
What I need us to do is take a lot
of photos and text them to this number. Does that work?
It works for me, sir bartender, What do you mind
taking some photos Kelly Clarkson? Okay, okay, look, we gotta

(48:40):
think about it. Maybe he knows someone named Kelly Clarkson.
Let's look him up. Um god, damn, we're looking anywhere alright, alright, look, okay,
maybe we're both. It looks like it's becoming a skin thing.
Put the lotion in the basket. Alright, in the basket.

(49:01):
I don't see a basket. Gets the hose again? A
stick of what's trying to test me? All right? Do
you hear me? Dr? I think I think you're catching someone?
You do, Can you hear me? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Okay, good, good, good, okay, good, Yes,

(49:22):
I got kills the multiplying. I'm a good roll. Wait
a second, wait to say wait, I think I think
we could do something here. Let's do this. Help me
out here, help me lift them up, Take your sticking
paws off me. Okay, set my iPhone up here? Uh

(49:47):
YouTube movie. I don't know what the hell it is. Uh, okay,
deep blue Sea, whatever the hell that is? All right, Hey,
let's go okay. Maybe maybe this is my trick them
in some kind of sink right, Maybe they'll they'll sink
up and watch this and then we can funnel them
into a movie. Fish our friends, not food. We can't sing.

(50:08):
Next week on Newark General and that's our show. Everybody, well,
the dick Wolf Newark family keeps expanding, expanding. It's an empire.
People love it. It's a procedural. Let's thank our alchemists.
See what they're up to. Hey, I start with Jackie
Gonzella's dirty Hi coole, Thanks for having me. This is

(50:33):
always a good time. And um yeah, you know I
met Jackie Ruthy on the socials that I dabble a
bit on Instagram. I have a bit of a dabble there.
That's where you can find me. Right now. It's almost
Christmas time, which means it's almost time for the most
wonderful pot of the year. We may be starting off
a little early with the special Halloween treat, but you

(50:58):
know who's to say you nice? Chris Alvarado speaking a
little tease, um Man Cole, so fun to have you.
I just like him. Prov I want you there. I'm
a fan of it. James Aney on November six. There

(51:23):
is uh. I'd say a very good chance the game
Front is going to be participating in extra Life, which
is a twenty four hour stream. Uh. And if for
some reason we dropped the ball and can't do it.
On November six, worldwide is extra Life, which people raise
money playing video games for twenty four hours straight. You
should check it out. Uh. If you were on Twitch,

(51:44):
you're gonna be immersed in the world of extra Life. Anyways,
what what Actually, I don't want to get too much
into it, but one of the Patreon subscribers is one
of the creators of extra Life. It's been going on
for like at least ten years, because that's what I
learned about it. But they raised an incredible amount of
money for a bleak children's hospitals. Thanks. Now, I'm just

(52:07):
riffing here. I think it's St. Joseph's Hospital, But whatever
it is, it's a it's a it's a fundraiser that
happens every year. This year it's ten November six. Nice
Joey Greer, Yep, thanks, Cole. Always a pleasure, always a pleasure.
You can find me a Jackie Ruthie Gonzalez is our

(52:30):
right on Instagram. Uh closet, I'm on Gamefront constantly. I
am working behind the scenes of the comedy Fix and
uh I'm working on cars with Craig. So if you
want to find me, I'll find you. That's ominous, Craig

(52:50):
Koski Cole, you run a tight ship. My friend who
did not need a bigger boat. This boat is exactly
the right side. My parents are moving being out of
the house that I grew up in this week, and
so probably at this very moment, they're throwing away twenty
years worth of Sports Illustrated as well as a sword
that I got into Ledo in on a class trip

(53:12):
in two um and probably small movie books as well.
So this, uh, this was a real trip down memory
lane through through my boyhood closet. There you go. I'm
at Cole Stratton at Stratton Cole on socials. Go to
s Sketchfest dot com because that's gonna be happening soon
and uh yeah, I think it's about it. Let's thank

(53:33):
our engineering producer Doug Baby and the fine folks that
I heart media dot com. Please write to us at
Alchemy this email at gmail dot com. That's alchemy dot
com until next time off and a football