A weekly meeting for those tortured by sharing a name with a known TV or film character… Simply put, the single worst construction crew ever assembled… Barely friends and barely 20, they share a house and none of the responsibilities…
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, lovely listeners. Kevin Pollock here just letting you know
the next live show for Alchemy. This will be on
July one, seven pm West Side Comedy Theater. If you're
in the Santa Monica, California area, or anywhere near it
July one, please come join us. Ticketus will go fast
as I did last time. We'd love to see you there.
Go to west Side Comedy dot com for more. Welcome
(00:23):
back to another episode of Alchemy. This your substitute teacher
today is me Cole Stratton. Sorry, we won't be showing
any videos. You're gonna learn something today. I'm feeling it
for Kevin Pollock while he is busy doing reshoots on
that thing you do to the Revenge of Captain Geach
and the Shrimp Shack Shooters. It's a deep cud of
for people that like that movie. Um. Sorry to meet
our alchemists for today. First up, the most famous Craig
(00:46):
after Bigio, Ferguson, Kimbrell, Council Sager, and ten Nelson's Craig
is a lot of pictures. Share your name, what would
you say your special pitch would be? Uh, let me
make a pitch of the pitch that I would do,
which would be so slow that that they swing like
(01:07):
three times before if he gets to the plate like yes,
which is the thing that already exists al right? Next up,
it's the ghost with the most He died ten years
ago and he doesn't know it. James, Hey, James, how's
life treating you? Well? I could have before I was
just living it. But this is surprising, all right. Gags
(01:31):
me with the spoon? Uh, gags? How did you get
to be like so very um? You know what it was?
It was years and years of totally that'll do it. Oh,
it's a guy who thinks the periodic table happens once
a month. Joey Greer, what's your favorite element? Element of surprise?
(01:57):
That is a good one. It's a fan of foreign film.
Carla Kakowski. Carla dubbed her subtitles both that's the way
to do it and finally, she's been saving up her
entire life to fill a swimming pool with coins and
dive in Vanessa Raglan V. How's the money water today?
(02:20):
Not great? Deep? Deep at all? Alright, let's get to
our first scene. All of today's scene suggestions were gathered
from our listeners emails. If you'd like to submit yours,
please write to the podcast at your name here at
alchemy this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy
this dot com. Our first scene comes from Danny Tanner. Hello, Alchemists.
(02:44):
Love the show this way this, wait for it. I
listened to it while I walk my dog and get
many strange looks from him when I stopped walking and
almost fall over laughing. As someone who grew up with
the name of a TV character, I spent my whole
life hearing lame jokes about it. My scene Suggestion is
a meeting support group for people whose life is mildly
inconvenienced by sharing the name with the famous character. The
(03:04):
meaning guess while when some of the actors for the
characters show up, keep up the funny work regards Danny
Tanner and no, not that Danny Tanner. Okay, I'll start off.
My name is Snake Pliskin and um and um. It's
(03:24):
a family name, and I it's just hard to you know, this,
live life with that, and people expect me to escape
from New York and escape from l A and I
just want to live there. I don't want to have
to be run out all the time with snake if
I'm a Oprah, Hi, um hi, I just want to
(03:45):
say I'm not familiar with the source material. So just
so you know, to me, you're all new and I've
never I've never had that luxury. It is Oprah. Yeah,
pretty much everybody knows who Opra is. That's right, they
sure do. None of them think it's me. Yeah, you
don't look much like. It's not a there's not a
hierarchy here. All the names are the same, right, even
(04:09):
if they haven't been heard of before. We all know that.
I think it's different. I'm just saying, as Oprah, that's fine.
You can totally, you can. You can do it. So
let's just let's go on, let's go. Anybody else want
to Well, I'd just like to point out that you
do say as Oprah pretty much every time you say something.
I don't say as the Night King every time I
say a sentence. But well you could if you wanted to.
I mean, you gotta have fun with it. I walk
(04:31):
in a room and say Oprah's on. That is pretty good.
It's pretty fun. Now, d night your your name is
spelled slightly differently, right, Yeah, well it's d Apostrophe Night
King which is a perfectly normal human name. Yeah, so
why don't you just go by with a dima stand
for something if it's period, Uh, it's an apostrophe, Oh yeah,
(04:53):
the apostrophe night yeah King, because my my parents were
eating those caramel d lights, the cookies when you have
but but they didn't think that delight was a good
name for a person. The boy a boy night night. Yeah. Yeah,
I know how tough it is. You know what your
name is weird? Oh sorry, Alf no last name, and
(05:15):
then you know it's topping my parents when I was born,
I popped out. They're like like some sort of alien
life form and they're like, oh, Alf, we'll call alf
by Alfie was fine, So they did name you after Alf.
They name me alf pre seriously, then the TV show came,
people actually say alien life form Alf. All right, let's
(05:36):
just hold on, let's just not you know, attack anybody
asking a questions. I mean, how often that we all
felt that, at some point in our lives that people
did look at us and think like, oh they looked
at that, you know, they look like the night King
or well yeah, I mean every day I walk around
(05:57):
and I'm I'm so so many that when people say
the Brady Bunch, I'm like, yeah, that's my name. I'm
the Brady Bunch. You should change a D N an
apostrophe that my given name is the like, that's your
first name. That's a weird name. Brady would be understand
(06:18):
the challenge, like telling people, oh, my name is Crosby
Stilson and they're like, Crosby, what my name's Crosby Stillson
and yeah, that's my last name, Stillson. Yeah, it's just
weird because I'm like, oh, it's spelled c r O
s b y and it gets c r O s
(06:39):
b y n A n a s h phonetically. That
doesn't mention that I have to write my name spelled
Crosby Stillson, Crosby the nash that's what he spelled. We can,
we can just we could have spent this whole time
just announcing our names differently than the way they're spelled,
(07:02):
because it seems like that would have been that of
O'd be opera, you stranger, you, I'm curious what your
name could possibly be bow Oh is in Yeah? Not
if if my name is Harpo Marx, that would be different.
(07:23):
People would confuse me with the famous marks. But the
name is just hard Bow, so people think that i'm production. Yeah, yeah,
we should. We should hang out. We should get you
a trench coat and a horn. All I got a
coffee for the night King, got a coffee for the
night King? What a wasted character? Right stabbed? You guys
(07:50):
are real dicks. Thank you? Are you the night King?
It look different and perfect? And denied? Is my name?
Just Deny? The nicking feels problematic? What's your name? Are
you supposed to be wearing a name tag here? Yeah?
I lost it. You're a terrible employee. Yeah, my name
is Jimbals. I'm sorry, Jimbals. Jimbals a normal name. Hey, Jim,
(08:15):
get off now, let me tell don't tell me to
get off. I'm the manager. Sorry, Sorry, I can get
on you as hard as I want. Jimble's listen to me.
I've been running this floor for two years. I can
get on you anyway I want to. All right, can
one of you please hand me my coffee? I'm sorry,
Tonight King, Mom, Dad, this is the love of my life,
(08:35):
the man that I'm going to spend the rest of
my life with. Tonight King. Oh, it's it's it's really
I've been. I've been so excited about meeting you for this, Melissa,
Melissa words. She tells me so much a word, Melissa, Oh,
I know, I know right, it's great, impressive, right, he
(08:57):
thinks he's a character. Carl Well, well, calmed down and calm.
I'm not not calm. I mean, he can probably hear
you with the volume your voices. You just want to
control everything about I'm not trying to. I'm just trying
not to embarrass our daughter. And get it. You're like
the Game of Thrones thing. No, that's not the case.
That's not the case. It's denied. It sounds more like
a rapper's name. Actually, Melissa, you broke up with Charles
(09:23):
Brown to date tonight, King, it's true. Why are you
breaking up with me? Is it because my dad's a barber? Um? Well,
I just I've met somebody else, so good grief. I know, mom, No,
(09:45):
she's great, but she broke up with me. Okay, I'll
go out and get Snoopy off the dog house. Every
time that I brought Charles around, he didn't understand what
you were saying. So like it was bizarre that music,
that lovely tinkling music that followed him. Do lead do duty.
(10:07):
It drove me insane. I'm gonna listen. Why don't we
just give this new tonight solid chance? Okay, let's okay,
all right? Are you sure I'm fine? Okay, Well, let's
have him for dinner. If he's so important, careful with
what do you say? Maybe it may come across. It's
(10:29):
kind of weird if you say we'll eat him for dinner, Carl,
don't tell me to be careful. It sounds like you
have a pretty tragic backstory there to night. Yeah, you know,
it's hard for me too. I tried to adopt a
cat the other day. They wouldn't let me have one,
wouldn't because I'm alf. I think I'm going to eat it. Yeah,
(10:50):
that's true. It's tough man. Your name doesn't define you,
you know. Yeah. I mean, I'm not filled with fun
in games or anything like the Brady Bunch would be
a sack races. I don't like those billion dollars. Every
time you have a problem, you seem to work it
out in about twenty two minutes. That's true, Thank you.
(11:14):
Maybe you can help Alf out. I mean, so your
problem as you want to adopt a cat? I really
I love cats, but they just think I'm going to
eat it, you know. Well, funny enough, I carry cats
around in my purse. Yeah, all right, let's be clear
about that next time. Many animals are interested in any allergies,
you know, just so we're okay, sorry, it's all good.
It's just you know, if someone might die because of
(11:34):
the catalogies. Sure, I don't. I'm not allergic, but I don't.
I don't like finding out a person had cats in
their purse. Okay, o, bro, let's just hang for a bit,
you know, let's just hang. You know, we're good. Cool. Yeah,
now that's that's a resolution. That's excuse me. Is that
a service animal because we don't allow them in the
coffee shop. It's a yeah, it's a service animals service
(11:57):
and you've been keeping it's been servicing you in your purse. Um, yes,
all right, all right, and it's doing that by calming
me down, I feel so calm Okay, shame on you,
Shame on you, sir, sir. Is there a problem, No,
there's not a problem, okay, boss a license for the
service animal. There's no support group that comes in all
(12:19):
the time. I mean, we we buy a lot of
coffee up, but it seems like there's a problem. There's
no way that she has a cat service animal in
her purse. Let me see that that's a real cat, ma'am.
It is a real cat. That grandco for the hound
for the hound? Wait to hound is here? Yes, suppose luias?
(12:39):
What's written under cappuccino? Thank you? Excuse me? Excuse me?
Is your name the hound? Do you buss rehound? Yeah?
I'm so started this, but this is a support group
for people with very specific names and sport group for
people with specific names. My name is sneak plus skin.
I'm I'm Oprah. Well specifically TV names except for Crosby Stills,
(13:04):
imp he spound it, Nannish alf I kill me? Yeah,
God blessed that. That sounds awful. Did you want to
talk about it? Or what do you want to talk
about it? Do I want to talk about? What about
your guys problems? Well down, My name is Dowund. It's
(13:25):
a family name. It's uh, seems like you're in denial
about this being problematic. Denial is my mom? Maybe your
mom wants to come to the support group too. What's
going on? Does it feel like we're hounding you right now? Um, like,
I got my coffee already and before I mean, just
(13:47):
don't you sure you don't want to just talk about
your name and how weird it is? And my name
is not weird. Okay, my name is Down. Are you right?
Have you ever met another dound? You know, a couple
here and there where he's bluffing you never met another mom? Dad?
After things didn't work out with tonight, I met this
(14:09):
other man and he's the love of my life. I'm
going to spend the rest of my life with him.
His name's Down. Oh Jesus Christ, what was the problem.
It's just that every week there's a new man coming
in here. She made him at Starbucks. I don't understand
what's going I mean, I don't even have to pay
for any dating appsucks? Is this because I'm six ft
(14:30):
eight and horrendously deformed? That until? I love that about you?
Your unique half of my face is burned off? Oh
I hadn't even I couldn't even noticed. There's no way
I didn't even see it. But yeah, how that happened
to your face? I was born this way, singed, I
(14:51):
was born singed. Yes, what a horrible Basically, he kidnapped
me from Starbucks, and we went on this long journey
on his horse, and then I fell in love with him.
You know when you're and the doctor burns your foot
accidentally to no, no, not at all. It's really romantic.
And that's why I'm interducing. And the doctor accidentally burned
(15:12):
my face and say, why where is there fire at
the ball? Right? You're taking all the mystery out of
our romance, all these questions. Hey brother, it's spent a while.
Hello brother, it's me to mountain. Don't make me stake.
I just thought you didn't recognize it for a minute there.
(15:33):
That would be just like you, wouldn't it. How's mom
still a river in Egypt? Still is? I have one
sprite when coke? Sorry, don't you ever get it confused again?
So I thought you died. I can't kill me, bro,
I'll keep coming at you, all right. You've set up
(15:55):
Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. You know you've got to make
sure you get the drinks white when you go to
the tables. I know, I'm sorry, I just you know
what You're fired. Get out of here. Nobody ever wants
to see you again. Good luck fighting a group that
will support you. Mom, Dad, I met this man this week.
He's wonderful, he's got the last But this is Jesus Christ.
(16:18):
What's up? How are you? Is there a place I
can smoke? Oh? You smoke? Yeah? You smoke. Well. I
will allow a lot of things in my house, but
I do not Melissa. His his penis rings hanging out?
I know, isn't that unique? See you've date You've dated
(16:40):
three guys after me, and then none of them worked out.
So don't you want to come back home? Yeah? I
guess I'm stuck. My dog's novel got published. Boy can
(17:01):
go home and practice spelling for one alright. Seene two
is from Conrad, who wrote, Hello, I love the show.
Every time I think I've decided which one of you
is the funniest or most clever, I changed my mind
because you're also good. I want to think James is
(17:22):
the least talented. Why why did you read that? Around? Kevin? Kevin?
He gives me these things to right. I want to
thank James at least talented, because he seems to take
(17:42):
the most abuse from the rest of you. But then
he'll always come up with a genius improvisation that proves
me wrong, wrong, adventure Crosbie Stilson that sent there was
a trip to Mortar and back. Anyway, I'm in the
(18:05):
construction field and I think there could be something very
funny happening in that world. And then he gave some
examples that were too detailed. According together came up the
good work Conrad. Alright, so I'm just gonna lay out
the cement. Uht's just there, and then, uh, where's the
elevator in the center? All right, tape it off? Yeah,
(18:28):
you know what, get us get him group meaning real
quick or group mating rooms real quick here all right, Yeah,
just so we're clear, the elevator's gonna go on the center.
We don't have a picture. Hang on a minute. We're
just guessing this week, go on, what this place is
gonna be like? It's it's like a committee. Ain't you
(18:48):
got blueprint? I got blueprints? But I just want to
just make sure everyone's okay with the blueprint. Blue brother.
I the personal drawing, and you know, I just don't
want to. You know, it's just showed. Why are you
personal drawling? Yeah, it's a personal drawing. The blueprints? Would
(19:10):
you drawing them? The thing? The thing looks like rest Harper.
Once you drawing in blueprints? What personal things? You drawing
this blue something? Get in my pocket? Damn it there, okay, okay,
(19:31):
what's stupid? Is stupid? Let me get it back. That's amazing.
I've never seen a naked lady like that. Yeah, it's
so artistic. I've never seen a naked lady. That's exactly
what they look like like. That's real artistic. Whoa, it's nothing,
it's just building her up in the center. Yes, wow, wow,
(19:56):
you got this proof by the city. Yeah, clip the Jeff.
Let's see your plans here. Here they are and then
it's just a rough outline. Are you all right, sir
your wedding. Yeah, it's just a very personal project. And
I want to make sure that I need to call
my supervisor over. Yea, we are going to need our supervisor.
(20:17):
Problem with you here? It's not just the elevator, my god,
well the cement is going to go right right here?
What's going on? Why are you bothering me? I'm so sorry.
Sorry to be only an emergency. Absolutely. Do you know
you said not to come in here unless we had
(20:38):
something that would give you an architecture hard on right, Yes,
we'll take a look at this. Who designed this? His
name is Chow Chowed. That's his first name. Period. Hold child,
you need to get in some sort of support group
for that. Anyways, the name, it's not about the name.
(21:02):
He's in my office right now. That's how he signed
the drawing. Excuse me? Are you? Are you Chowed? I am?
Are you someone's father? Not that I know of, but
you know it could be. Yeah, can I help you
with something? Or I was just looking at your blueprints. Dang,
(21:26):
and they're rough. They're rough. So the elevator is gonna
go in the middle, and it's gonna go it's gonna
go right at the middle, at the middle, and then
there's gonna be cement in a line. If I show
you the please. I know how to read blueprints. I've
been in the construction field a long time, but nothing
(21:48):
has given me an architectural hard on like this. Uh huh?
What do you need? Um? I yes, just materials and
a crack team that loves democracy. You've got it, Thank you.
This city is going to get behind you. Thank you.
(22:09):
Any permit is going to go forward, and any problem
you get from the press. Yeah, yeah, Look, I don't
want to throw a monkey ranch and everything. But uh,
just because you drew a picture of naked lady on
the blueprints, now we got to build a giant naked
lady with an elevator up the middle. NBC, get her
(22:30):
out of here. Sorry, we were supposed to handle that.
This building. What's this going to be. It's a passion project.
It's going to be something beautiful. Wait a second. No,
I've never seen a naked lady in real life before,
but Sonia looks like she could be the naked lady.
Let me see. Are there blueprints for this? What's going on? Private? Private?
(22:54):
Oh my god, it's just a rough draw. I mean
the elevator goes right up the middle. Yeah, there's cement.
I'm telling you, the way that they're describing is exactly
how Sonya looks. I think Sonia is a lady in
the bullprint. Think you're right. This picture does look just
like Sonya. She does have someement under her feet right now. Um,
(23:20):
it's it's you. Look familiar. I am used to work
on the same cruise as you. Chode. Yeah, yeah, it's me. Wow. Yeah,
I'm a reporter now big time. I cover all the buildings.
I can get any city permit. I want to build.
(23:41):
I'm a builder now, I work in the field. Well
this I was going to do a big expose about this,
but it looks like, um, something even more exposing is happening. Yeah, um,
he's gonna lay this Rebard down, Joe, Okay, yeah, that's caer.
Uh well, I was like, I was thinking that we'd
(24:02):
actually have a yarn yarn yep, just just hundreds of
bales of yarn just thrown over the side. And of
course the head will be an observation deck, like like
the Statue of Liberty. Yes, so, uh so, just for
funding wise, I think I want to thank the board
for being here and uh thank you so much, sir
for for coming here. And uh so, if we can
all just take a look at the uh back whatever
(24:24):
here and you'll see just this, this is a rendering
of what it's gonna look like in a a three dimensional model.
I have a question for you. Yes, I mean, look,
as the representative of the of the uh the religious
community here in town, it looks like that elevator, uh
that goes up the middle. Do I have to say
what it looks like? I can if you want me to.
I don't want to have to whether the design needs
(24:47):
to be sleek. It looks like it's sleekily fucking here
is what it looks like. Okay, I mean as someone
who represents the religious community. Yeah, I think you'll you'll
understand the efficiency and you know, the bigger the elevator shaft,
the closer to Also, just the buildings can't have intercourse,
well not until they're married. Buildings just not not even
(25:08):
you can. You can love a building, honey, but it's
not gonna love your back. And that is why I've
not seen a naked lady, because I'm from the religious
community in this local area. I've seen you. Yeah, Hi,
I never asked your name. I didn't care. Why are
you building me? Why are you building me? Jody? There's
the only way I thought I would ever see you again.
(25:30):
What if what a beacon you've put in this town?
I figured, how if if there's one thing I can do,
it's build a building. And that's why didn't you call
After the cruise back to Carnival cruise that oh ship,
it's just one number off. I don't know her number,
and we're stuck on the cruising. The women that paper
wait wait wait wait wait wait oh god, oh god,
(25:53):
oh god, you ate that piece of baby. There was
a number on it. Good God, bad? Why don't you
Why didn't you do that? Why did you do that
little with my life? That is he still on the boat. Yeah,
but it's the most huge carnival cruise feeling said, why
(26:17):
are you cut back? I fell off the boat and
I didn't know if I was ever going to see
anybody again. Oh and yet we've ended up in the
same small town and you're building me. What are the chances?
What is the elevator mean, Jode, it's just the way
to get up. Mrs as Quis. We can't run your story?
(26:40):
Why not you become the story. It's the first rule
of journalism. I'm too close, you're too close. Why are
you going to run instead? Stupid thing about the pony
that looks like a donkey? Been working on that for
seven years. It's stupid, Ted, No one cares to But
you've seen a drunk and you've seen ay and just
(27:02):
look the same. You have to run this story. You
have to run this second. Oh then kill me. Well,
there's an in between. I've got a thank you. I
think that's pretty extreme. Just kill me, all right? Guys.
So now this is exciting. We're almost done. Sandra's gonna
be here any minute. All right, I gotta put your top.
(27:22):
She she should be here by now. Good work was
the nostrils? Are you just fantastic for a compliment? Are
you great? You know when I started out in this business, kid,
they said, never make a building for a lady, Make
it for a city. Why are you telling me this now?
(27:44):
Because i'm your dad? What you are a dad? Oh
my gosh, you're my dad. Yes, this is time to celebrate.
I'm rending with my papa, and Sandra's gonna be here
any second, extra extra, read all about it? A pony
that looks like a horse. Also journalist Sandra Vasquest murdered
by her editor. Wait a pony? It looks like a
(28:06):
horse or a donkey? Hey? I wrote this story the
Sandra part. We should be focusing on the Sandra park.
Oh my go she died, she murdered. The picture makes
a little opponent looks like a donkey head. The building's canceled.
God damnit, Telly ran the rock story. I wrote him backwards.
(28:30):
We're gonna have to print a retraction. Can I write it?
All right? Okay? Do you have a pen? Use your laptop? Right? Hey, hey,
you're the editor in charge. That's right. Did you murder Sandra? Well, yes,
I believe I got my story correct. Who the hell
are you? I'm I'm just writing a retraction on my lap. Okay,
(28:56):
his lips are huge. All right. That's another story, Jesus.
And that's and that's the story of the beautiful lady
building in the middle of our town. Wow, that's that's
really disturbing. Why why did she have to die? Well
(29:17):
she if she hadn't died, this building would have never
been made. Right. True love doesn't survive the buildings, do
I don't know. You want to take the elevator straight
up through the middle. Not with you, dad? You got
changed for an old architect guy builder? Sorry, pal, No, No,
(29:37):
we're in the future. Nobody has changed. So I'm so sad. Well,
you said you're an old architect. You didn't do this building,
did you? Yeah? I did. I did. It's such a
great multi use space. No, your true love died murdered
(29:59):
at an office the thigh for a while. Yeah. Now
they're just all stores stores you need, uh? I Like,
let's tell you some kid, They'll never fall in love.
Can you tell me a few feetback because your breast
mouth does it? Like? Like I want to take my
(30:20):
kid up to the observation deck. I don't want to
do that with your dad. I'll go by myself. How
about me and you go? Sure? Why not? I'll just
wait down here? Okay, hopefully no we kidnaps me. All right?
Watch my blanket. Here, here's the car, get yourself, pair
bugs done well. The yarn really didn't protect the observation deck.
(30:47):
It didn't stand up to the weather. I like, man,
broste what a witness to my dad? What? No, don't
do it. There's so much to live for. What you
built a beautiful naked lady. You know it's the most
notable thing in this town. And then they killed her
for it. I can still smell your breath all the
(31:08):
way down here, A beautiful kid. I do you know
what love is? I guess yeah. Look, you get so
much to live for. Build another building. I don't know
if there's an empty lot across the street, build a
naked guy. I just got this stupid dry it's nothing.
Let me take that. Wow, it's nothing, stupid. Oh sorry,
(31:33):
sorry about that. Wait, So your name's down. Yeah, that's right. Okay,
I'll go with you. My name's Are you are? Yeah?
That's interesting? Are you? Are you Clark? Are you a clerk?
All right? Guy? Our last seed for today is from Carson,
(32:06):
who wrote, Hey, guys, like everyone else, my also boring,
our drive to school as hell without your angelic voices.
I have a see for y'all regarding my own living situation.
My boyfriend's mother left the house to him and my
friends and I moved in. We're early twenties, all of
varying races and more guys than girls. I'd love to
hear conversations and arguments you think would happen in a
(32:27):
house full of nerds, weirdos and a feeder kid. Thanks
for the last Carson Lankston from Greenville, South Carolina. I
mean check off is actually a comedic writer. In case
you weren't totally aware, Um, yeah, if you think boring
things are funny, I don't think boring things are funny,
you said, I don't think boring things are funny. Oh, so,
(32:51):
like if there's a gun that's hanging on the wall
in the first act that it's going to be used
by the end of the play. Hilarious. Right, yeah, but Alison,
the trivial pursuit question was who plays number thirty four
for the Lakers? Okay, I'm just trying to teach you things. Okay.
I have a lot of information in my head about
theater specifically. Okay, so somebody else has to roll. Here
(33:15):
we go, all right with me? Sixteen? How many dice
did you roll? Three dice? Did you just say? Mama,
Mia sixteen said someone moved me? Six Oh I heard mama. Everything. Okay, here,
let me. Did someone take my kimono? I did not.
(33:36):
I don't know if I went too. I did, I
took it? What did you do with it? I'm using
it in a performance of Madam Butterfly. You have to
ask me before you can take my kimona. Okay, Well,
I'm sorry. I just wanted to borrow it. Well, you
have to. That's stealing unless you ask. Okay, next time
I'll ask. Listen, I'm just gonna break it. I'm going
(33:56):
to break it to you. You don't fit in. Everything
you do is about theater and about plays, and I'm
like Shakespeare. I don't fit in. I'm like Shakespeareously you
don't like Why can't you just really live a real life. Yeah,
we've just been living here, a normal real life. It's
not all drama and Madam Butterfly and Shakespeare. Okay. Harry
(34:20):
Potter fan. Yeah, you know who's a Harry Potter fan? Everyone? Everyone,
everyone's Harry Potter fan. We've all taken the quiz house.
Did you get when you took the quiz that the
sorting hat didn't even know what to do? Raven Claw
of course, the one that nobody knows anything about. Okay,
(34:41):
they're loyal. Also, the stage version is in Cannon. So
are you're looking for another house? Yeah? All right, let
me see what I can't get you some set up here? Uh,
what are your likes and dislikes? Um, my likes our theater,
my dislikes our real life. Okay, it's gonna be hard
(35:03):
to match up. Why is that hard? Because you live
in a fake world? All right, you don't live in
the ground of real world. Okay, but like isn't the
fake world. But we're all aspiring towards No, I'm trying
to pay rent, all right, I'm trying to live my life.
But you don't have fantasies. I got fantasies. He of course,
I do. Tell me about your fantasy, your child. I can't.
You can't. I feel uncofortable bringing them up, honestly, pull
(35:28):
my tail. Okay, I got the lid of fox or
do you think I hid the ham? Huh? I don't
know where the ham is. Just into my human fox
eyes and tell me. Don't like Well, I know you're
looking for a new place, but there's not really any
(35:50):
apartment under the upper house. But I can make it
into a livable space. I mean it's it's it's really
just nothing but old storage. Do you come with it? Uh?
Are you part of living space? Well? I work here
on the else. Take care of you underneath, because you
are a character, like you're a real character. Is it's
(36:10):
a scar on my face in the voice? Al right?
Well that's very sweet, sweet, But I work here. So
if you need anything, you just earlier you let me know.
I need something, not immediately. Need love. You need love.
I need love. You are in the city for it,
my dear, you're going to I guess we can put
a cut down here. Maybe. Oh sure, that sounds romantic
(36:33):
as a cot for two, I said for two. Yeah,
I heard what you said. It translates I don't. I
don't know if I don't know what you're looking for. Actually,
I literally said, I'm looking for love. I need it.
But why are you looking at me like that? Well
you're just so interesting. You're like no other man I've
ever seen in real life. Ah, so this is a
(36:57):
speed debt. I'm not have do this before. You say
your apartment is just two letters? Correct, art Town? Yes,
that's correct. And I would love for you to wear
this sack to be the paper boy. Yeah, this sack
of mail. You're the newspaper boy from art different personal,
(37:22):
different person, Okay, new person I was Please, are not
two for six or one? I'm looking for a roommate.
Oh I'm looking for love. We're looking for love. Oh sorry,
but I'll take a roommate too. I really need roommate. Okay, well,
(37:48):
my real parents are probably still looking for me. I
got a feeling all about you. Wow, I gosh, you
you seem great. Oh that's my tomb dog. I love
dogs and sandy. Do you know I just guessed? Okay,
that's it. Find someone to find someone that's a detective.
(38:10):
Find someone else. Someone need a detective. Oh no, I
need someone else. Pardon me, I had the tangtes this
good day, the detective. I'm on the beat. Did you
need me? Who is that woman? I don't know. It's
a case to be solved. I figured out that doctor
fifteen seconds. Who are you, Hi, I'm beautiful Kamana. Oh
(38:33):
thank you. I'm looking for love in all the right places.
Sounds like a mystery. We can get to the bottom of. Wow,
I think so too. How do you feel about sharing space? Thing? Okay,
that's it. I look, everyone you met today are people
that you can talk to later. That's it, all right,
So we understand. Yeah, I do not understand anything. It's
(38:57):
pretty straightforward. You get Yeah, I'm not a producer for
I didn't know, says okay, we understand it. Yes, all right.
Look you seem interesting to me. You seem like a
real character. You seem like somebody I could really relate to.
I don't know. Okay, I come here to this country
(39:19):
make work, all right? You make I make work? I do.
Then I just hang around the glove. I don't know
what to do, so I saying Hi, I'm sorry. I'm
Cameron Macintosh, Broadway producer. I was just wandering by and
(39:39):
I heard your little diddy and i'd like to develop
it into a three and a half hour show. Why
are you, sir? I literally said, I'm Cameron McIntosh, Broadway producer.
We just went through this McIntosh computer sure, yes, okay,
I work with your computer boy. Okay, great, So we're
gonna go take this and we're gonna twutter around. Want
(40:00):
they're small, little stages, make it bigger? Fine? Whatever do
you pay? Yeah, that's the idea. Yes, okay, good, I
do it for money? Yuh, well wait a second, do
it for money? Nobody does theater for money? Oh, so
you're back. You didn't find true love out there? Now,
but I had an adventure. Well we got a new roommates,
there's no longer no vacancy. Well, I need, I need,
(40:22):
I need to live somewhere. This reminds me of this
Neil Simon play that I love. This person gets kicked out,
but then they show back up and they're like, hey,
can I live here? And then the people who are
living there like, yeah, of course you can live. We
heard him grown. It's a comedy. Can places I'll do
that come in spoiling if if she's back, then the
(40:45):
way I have to give him my room. No, you
don't have to, but if you did, there would be
a room for it. Wait a second, Jean Valjean, Yeah,
we met on the speed dating thing. Oh that's what
I thought they were, is a speed dating for roommates.
But it turned out it was speed They think criminal.
(41:06):
He's been the greatest roommate. I think he was wrongly
accused because seems like he's a really good heart. I
don't know, guys. I did have a loaf of bread
in the fridge, and I think he stole my love
of bread? Why did you keep you reading the fridge bugs?
But look, I have these I got these candlesticks that
are very nice. Anything when there's a gun over the
mantel piece that I put there is where is it?
(41:26):
Or is it? What happened? How did the gun disappear?
Oh it's right, there was a gun. There, there was
a gun. There's a comedy. Look it's not comedy. It
is my life. What was that thing you used to
say about if there's a gun, Well, come on, in
a check off play. If there's a gun in the
(41:47):
first act and it's going to be used by the
third act by the end of the show off, so
what what act are we in right now? Well, I
think it's up to us. Oh my god, I think
it's up to six So movie eighteen. See what the
question is? Okay, Okay, here we go. Okay. Do you
(42:07):
want to do sports? Uh? Do you want to do
pop culture? Do you want to science? Or do you
want to do imagine technology? Imaginary technology? Okay? In what
indie sci fi film? Oh god was the tests Iraq mentioned?
Oh you know this indie sci fi film? Indie indie indeed?
(42:32):
What is this? Indeed? Yes? Yes, yes, okay, okay, we
will again see that car three sixes again? What is
where we three sixes all the time? Six six six Hello?
Design inspect roommates. You know this guy, he's my old roommate.
He's looking for me. You did not do your dishes.
(42:57):
I have come to take it out on you forever
of your there. I did my dishes in the sink.
You did not. I checked. They still had streaks on that.
What's should do your dishes? Sometimes this is where they're
going to come to an understanding. Shouldn't be at the
same time, Yes, at the exact same time. Perhaps if
(43:19):
one of us washed and the other tried, that could
never work. It would work. It could work. It could work.
If we did it together. We could. We could. Did
you were going to do it together? To do it together?
We could? We could do it. Do this together together,
(43:41):
We come together. All that bullet went through both of them.
Oh my god, I'm sorry. That was so annoying. Oh
my god, finally together we child friend. I've always loved you.
I loved you more I was afraid not just hit
(44:05):
him with it. You guys, you got to let me
live in this place again. Brought this here. This is amazing.
You brought this here. You you're welcome. This is so insane. Okay,
so let's just see here looking over your credentials. It's
nice and um, okay, there's a gap of work here.
(44:29):
Is that when you went to college? Uh um? Kind
of what do you mean? Kind of? Well, I am,
I got kicked out of my apartment and I went
on a long adventure learning about myself and and men.
So you didn't work or there was well, I mean
I worked at being an interesting person, having a life experience.
(44:52):
What are you getting at? Well, we're at we really
want to find someone that really knows what they're doing. Okay,
and we do off for housing. Well, I wear shoes. Okay,
maybe you're maybe you want to take a step out
and kind of decompressed for a bit. Okay, maybe you
need to hear a song. Okay, well please listen to
my life story. Okay, that's my glass. I have so
(45:17):
much to get get security in here? Is there any
way to get security my life story? Can we just
escort her out? Please? Because she's singing, yes, and she
broke a glass. There's a rule against singing. There's a
rule against breaking the glass. So just please, Why are
you challenging me? I'm asking for your help. Just heard
(45:38):
the voice of an angel. Okay, well you know what?
Excuse me? Is this the ug store on thigh? Does
that went to the store and calf first? They don't
have everything? Yeah, they got bigger sizes in this one.
Do you mind just escorting her out? Please? Out handle
the sale? Does she want to come out with me?
It will totally come out with you. Go out with
Let's go on the elevator, straight down the middle on
(46:01):
the elevator with anyone before Well, come with me. So
these are knee high press your floor where we could
go up or down or press the button that stops
right in the middle tonight tonight, Are you not talking
to me now? Sorry? I was just getting in romantic. Oh,
(46:24):
I was just feeling going. I'm sorry. It's a hard
knock life for us, or if us. We're in an orifice.
We are, We're in an orifice. Wow, you're perfect. Thank you.
You're great. From what I know, I'm pretty great. It's
(46:45):
true observation. Deck Ha, you got so much slip for man,
that's all. You don't understand what's happening. Just walked in
the middle of our drama. I just inspiration anything. Do
you want us to push? You push me artistic three? Oh,
(47:12):
it's hilarious. It's like something I gotta check off. And
that's our show. Hey, guys, this is episode fifty impossible.
I was just told this. It's true. Let's go around.
Thank your alchemists. Do our plugs. Carla Kakowski, Hi, Yeah,
(47:34):
at Carla Kakowski is my Twitter handle Vanessa Raglan. You
can go to Dynasty Typewriter on Instagram and see what's
going on over there. And I pick a lot of
the gifts. So an excellent popcorn, Yes, great popcorn. Stay
for the popcorn. Okay, Gangley already got the work Juice players,
check out We Got This with Mark and Hell and
check out Blood and Treasure Tuesdays on CBS. Great Kikowski
(47:58):
at Kikowski on Twitter. Also Craig's This Peacast for the
Craigslist podcast and Uh Drunk History Season six, currently airing
on Hulu and Comedy Central. James Teney, if you go
to the real James Teney dot com you'll find all
the information you could possibly want about me, about anything else.
If Wednesday's second and fourth at West County Theater, bear
(48:19):
supply Joey Greer at jeby Greeber on Instagram. It's about it.
Uh uh, that's it. I'm at Cole Stratton on most
social media things. Pretty pretty Pony first Thursday the month
at West County Theater and hey, if you're bored, you
want to go through some archives. Vanessa and I did
a podcast for seven years together, by My Culture. There's
(48:41):
like two and seventeen episodes of really cool people, yeah,
really fun guests. Yeah. I was never on that pod.
That was our only rule. Sorry, we had to have
some guiding prints, I understand. Also, big thanks to our
engineer Doug Babe, our post sound design artist Raphael Brito,
(49:02):
our producer Sophie Lichtman, and lastly, I Heart Media be
cured you all to write a review, tell everybody you've
ever met about the podcast, and write to us at
your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your
name here at alchemy this dot com. Until next time,
Hello, lovely listeners. Kevin Pollock here just letting you know
the next live show for Alchemy. This will be on
July one, seven pm West Side Comedy Theater. If you're
in the Santa Monica, California area, or anywhere near it
July one, please come join us. Ticketus will go fast
as I did last time. We'd love to see you there.
Go to west Side Comedy dot com for more. Welcome
(00:23):
back to another episode of Alchemy. This your substitute teacher
today is me Cole Stratton. Sorry, we won't be showing
any videos. You're gonna learn something today. I'm feeling it
for Kevin Pollock while he is busy doing reshoots on
that thing you do to the Revenge of Captain Geach
and the Shrimp Shack Shooters. It's a deep cud of
for people that like that movie. Um. Sorry to meet
our alchemists for today. First up, the most famous Craig
(00:46):
after Bigio, Ferguson, Kimbrell, Council Sager, and ten Nelson's Craig
is a lot of pictures. Share your name, what would
you say your special pitch would be? Uh, let me
make a pitch of the pitch that I would do,
which would be so slow that that they swing like
(01:07):
three times before if he gets to the plate like yes,
which is the thing that already exists al right? Next up,
it's the ghost with the most He died ten years
ago and he doesn't know it. James, Hey, James, how's
life treating you? Well? I could have before I was
just living it. But this is surprising, all right. Gags
(01:31):
me with the spoon? Uh, gags? How did you get
to be like so very um? You know what it was?
It was years and years of totally that'll do it. Oh,
it's a guy who thinks the periodic table happens once
a month. Joey Greer, what's your favorite element? Element of surprise?
(01:57):
That is a good one. It's a fan of foreign film.
Carla Kakowski. Carla dubbed her subtitles both that's the way
to do it and finally, she's been saving up her
entire life to fill a swimming pool with coins and
dive in Vanessa Raglan V. How's the money water today?
(02:20):
Not great? Deep? Deep at all? Alright, let's get to
our first scene. All of today's scene suggestions were gathered
from our listeners emails. If you'd like to submit yours,
please write to the podcast at your name here at
alchemy this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy
this dot com. Our first scene comes from Danny Tanner. Hello, Alchemists.
(02:44):
Love the show this way this, wait for it. I
listened to it while I walk my dog and get
many strange looks from him when I stopped walking and
almost fall over laughing. As someone who grew up with
the name of a TV character, I spent my whole
life hearing lame jokes about it. My scene Suggestion is
a meeting support group for people whose life is mildly
inconvenienced by sharing the name with the famous character. The
(03:04):
meaning guess while when some of the actors for the
characters show up, keep up the funny work regards Danny
Tanner and no, not that Danny Tanner. Okay, I'll start off.
My name is Snake Pliskin and um and um. It's
(03:24):
a family name, and I it's just hard to you know, this,
live life with that, and people expect me to escape
from New York and escape from l A and I
just want to live there. I don't want to have
to be run out all the time with snake if
I'm a Oprah, Hi, um hi, I just want to
(03:45):
say I'm not familiar with the source material. So just
so you know, to me, you're all new and I've
never I've never had that luxury. It is Oprah. Yeah,
pretty much everybody knows who Opra is. That's right, they
sure do. None of them think it's me. Yeah, you
don't look much like. It's not a there's not a
hierarchy here. All the names are the same, right, even
(04:09):
if they haven't been heard of before. We all know that.
I think it's different. I'm just saying, as Oprah, that's fine.
You can totally, you can. You can do it. So
let's just let's go on, let's go. Anybody else want
to Well, I'd just like to point out that you
do say as Oprah pretty much every time you say something.
I don't say as the Night King every time I
say a sentence. But well you could if you wanted to.
I mean, you gotta have fun with it. I walk
(04:31):
in a room and say Oprah's on. That is pretty good.
It's pretty fun. Now, d night your your name is
spelled slightly differently, right, Yeah, well it's d Apostrophe Night
King which is a perfectly normal human name. Yeah, so
why don't you just go by with a dima stand
for something if it's period, Uh, it's an apostrophe, Oh yeah,
(04:53):
the apostrophe night yeah King, because my my parents were
eating those caramel d lights, the cookies when you have
but but they didn't think that delight was a good
name for a person. The boy a boy night night. Yeah. Yeah,
I know how tough it is. You know what your
name is weird? Oh sorry, Alf no last name, and
(05:15):
then you know it's topping my parents when I was born,
I popped out. They're like like some sort of alien
life form and they're like, oh, Alf, we'll call alf
by Alfie was fine, So they did name you after Alf.
They name me alf pre seriously, then the TV show came,
people actually say alien life form Alf. All right, let's
(05:36):
just hold on, let's just not you know, attack anybody
asking a questions. I mean, how often that we all
felt that, at some point in our lives that people
did look at us and think like, oh they looked
at that, you know, they look like the night King
or well yeah, I mean every day I walk around
(05:57):
and I'm I'm so so many that when people say
the Brady Bunch, I'm like, yeah, that's my name. I'm
the Brady Bunch. You should change a D N an
apostrophe that my given name is the like, that's your
first name. That's a weird name. Brady would be understand
(06:18):
the challenge, like telling people, oh, my name is Crosby
Stilson and they're like, Crosby, what my name's Crosby Stillson
and yeah, that's my last name, Stillson. Yeah, it's just
weird because I'm like, oh, it's spelled c r O
s b y and it gets c r O s
(06:39):
b y n A n a s h phonetically. That
doesn't mention that I have to write my name spelled
Crosby Stillson, Crosby the nash that's what he spelled. We can,
we can just we could have spent this whole time
just announcing our names differently than the way they're spelled,
(07:02):
because it seems like that would have been that of
O'd be opera, you stranger, you, I'm curious what your
name could possibly be bow Oh is in Yeah? Not
if if my name is Harpo Marx, that would be different.
(07:23):
People would confuse me with the famous marks. But the
name is just hard Bow, so people think that i'm production. Yeah, yeah,
we should. We should hang out. We should get you
a trench coat and a horn. All I got a
coffee for the night King, got a coffee for the
night King? What a wasted character? Right stabbed? You guys
(07:50):
are real dicks. Thank you? Are you the night King?
It look different and perfect? And denied? Is my name?
Just Deny? The nicking feels problematic? What's your name? Are
you supposed to be wearing a name tag here? Yeah?
I lost it. You're a terrible employee. Yeah, my name
is Jimbals. I'm sorry, Jimbals. Jimbals a normal name. Hey, Jim,
(08:15):
get off now, let me tell don't tell me to
get off. I'm the manager. Sorry, Sorry, I can get
on you as hard as I want. Jimble's listen to me.
I've been running this floor for two years. I can
get on you anyway I want to. All right, can
one of you please hand me my coffee? I'm sorry,
Tonight King, Mom, Dad, this is the love of my life,
(08:35):
the man that I'm going to spend the rest of
my life with. Tonight King. Oh, it's it's it's really
I've been. I've been so excited about meeting you for this, Melissa,
Melissa words. She tells me so much a word, Melissa, Oh,
I know, I know right, it's great, impressive, right, he
(08:57):
thinks he's a character. Carl Well, well, calmed down and calm.
I'm not not calm. I mean, he can probably hear
you with the volume your voices. You just want to
control everything about I'm not trying to. I'm just trying
not to embarrass our daughter. And get it. You're like
the Game of Thrones thing. No, that's not the case.
That's not the case. It's denied. It sounds more like
a rapper's name. Actually, Melissa, you broke up with Charles
(09:23):
Brown to date tonight, King, it's true. Why are you
breaking up with me? Is it because my dad's a barber? Um? Well,
I just I've met somebody else, so good grief. I know, mom, No,
(09:45):
she's great, but she broke up with me. Okay, I'll
go out and get Snoopy off the dog house. Every
time that I brought Charles around, he didn't understand what
you were saying. So like it was bizarre that music,
that lovely tinkling music that followed him. Do lead do duty.
(10:07):
It drove me insane. I'm gonna listen. Why don't we
just give this new tonight solid chance? Okay, let's okay,
all right? Are you sure I'm fine? Okay, Well, let's
have him for dinner. If he's so important, careful with
what do you say? Maybe it may come across. It's
(10:29):
kind of weird if you say we'll eat him for dinner, Carl,
don't tell me to be careful. It sounds like you
have a pretty tragic backstory there to night. Yeah, you know,
it's hard for me too. I tried to adopt a
cat the other day. They wouldn't let me have one,
wouldn't because I'm alf. I think I'm going to eat it. Yeah,
(10:50):
that's true. It's tough man. Your name doesn't define you,
you know. Yeah. I mean, I'm not filled with fun
in games or anything like the Brady Bunch would be
a sack races. I don't like those billion dollars. Every
time you have a problem, you seem to work it
out in about twenty two minutes. That's true, Thank you.
(11:14):
Maybe you can help Alf out. I mean, so your
problem as you want to adopt a cat? I really
I love cats, but they just think I'm going to
eat it, you know. Well, funny enough, I carry cats
around in my purse. Yeah, all right, let's be clear
about that next time. Many animals are interested in any allergies,
you know, just so we're okay, sorry, it's all good.
It's just you know, if someone might die because of
(11:34):
the catalogies. Sure, I don't. I'm not allergic, but I don't.
I don't like finding out a person had cats in
their purse. Okay, o, bro, let's just hang for a bit,
you know, let's just hang. You know, we're good. Cool. Yeah,
now that's that's a resolution. That's excuse me. Is that
a service animal because we don't allow them in the
coffee shop. It's a yeah, it's a service animals service
(11:57):
and you've been keeping it's been servicing you in your purse. Um, yes,
all right, all right, and it's doing that by calming
me down, I feel so calm Okay, shame on you,
Shame on you, sir, sir. Is there a problem, No,
there's not a problem, okay, boss a license for the
service animal. There's no support group that comes in all
(12:19):
the time. I mean, we we buy a lot of
coffee up, but it seems like there's a problem. There's
no way that she has a cat service animal in
her purse. Let me see that that's a real cat, ma'am.
It is a real cat. That grandco for the hound
for the hound? Wait to hound is here? Yes, suppose luias?
(12:39):
What's written under cappuccino? Thank you? Excuse me? Excuse me?
Is your name the hound? Do you buss rehound? Yeah?
I'm so started this, but this is a support group
for people with very specific names and sport group for
people with specific names. My name is sneak plus skin.
I'm I'm Oprah. Well specifically TV names except for Crosby Stills,
(13:04):
imp he spound it, Nannish alf I kill me? Yeah,
God blessed that. That sounds awful. Did you want to
talk about it? Or what do you want to talk
about it? Do I want to talk about? What about
your guys problems? Well down, My name is Dowund. It's
(13:25):
a family name. It's uh, seems like you're in denial
about this being problematic. Denial is my mom? Maybe your
mom wants to come to the support group too. What's
going on? Does it feel like we're hounding you right now? Um, like,
I got my coffee already and before I mean, just
(13:47):
don't you sure you don't want to just talk about
your name and how weird it is? And my name
is not weird. Okay, my name is Down. Are you right?
Have you ever met another dound? You know, a couple
here and there where he's bluffing you never met another mom? Dad?
After things didn't work out with tonight, I met this
(14:09):
other man and he's the love of my life. I'm
going to spend the rest of my life with him.
His name's Down. Oh Jesus Christ, what was the problem.
It's just that every week there's a new man coming
in here. She made him at Starbucks. I don't understand
what's going I mean, I don't even have to pay
for any dating appsucks? Is this because I'm six ft
(14:30):
eight and horrendously deformed? That until? I love that about you?
Your unique half of my face is burned off? Oh
I hadn't even I couldn't even noticed. There's no way
I didn't even see it. But yeah, how that happened
to your face? I was born this way, singed, I
(14:51):
was born singed. Yes, what a horrible Basically, he kidnapped
me from Starbucks, and we went on this long journey
on his horse, and then I fell in love with him.
You know when you're and the doctor burns your foot
accidentally to no, no, not at all. It's really romantic.
And that's why I'm interducing. And the doctor accidentally burned
(15:12):
my face and say, why where is there fire at
the ball? Right? You're taking all the mystery out of
our romance, all these questions. Hey brother, it's spent a while.
Hello brother, it's me to mountain. Don't make me stake.
I just thought you didn't recognize it for a minute there.
(15:33):
That would be just like you, wouldn't it. How's mom
still a river in Egypt? Still is? I have one
sprite when coke? Sorry, don't you ever get it confused again?
So I thought you died. I can't kill me, bro,
I'll keep coming at you, all right. You've set up
(15:55):
Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. You know you've got to make
sure you get the drinks white when you go to
the tables. I know, I'm sorry, I just you know
what You're fired. Get out of here. Nobody ever wants
to see you again. Good luck fighting a group that
will support you. Mom, Dad, I met this man this week.
He's wonderful, he's got the last But this is Jesus Christ.
(16:18):
What's up? How are you? Is there a place I
can smoke? Oh? You smoke? Yeah? You smoke. Well. I
will allow a lot of things in my house, but
I do not Melissa. His his penis rings hanging out?
I know, isn't that unique? See you've date You've dated
(16:40):
three guys after me, and then none of them worked out.
So don't you want to come back home? Yeah? I
guess I'm stuck. My dog's novel got published. Boy can
(17:01):
go home and practice spelling for one alright. Seene two
is from Conrad, who wrote, Hello, I love the show.
Every time I think I've decided which one of you
is the funniest or most clever, I changed my mind
because you're also good. I want to think James is
(17:22):
the least talented. Why why did you read that? Around? Kevin? Kevin?
He gives me these things to right. I want to
thank James at least talented, because he seems to take
(17:42):
the most abuse from the rest of you. But then
he'll always come up with a genius improvisation that proves
me wrong, wrong, adventure Crosbie Stilson that sent there was
a trip to Mortar and back. Anyway, I'm in the
(18:05):
construction field and I think there could be something very
funny happening in that world. And then he gave some
examples that were too detailed. According together came up the
good work Conrad. Alright, so I'm just gonna lay out
the cement. Uht's just there, and then, uh, where's the
elevator in the center? All right, tape it off? Yeah,
(18:28):
you know what, get us get him group meaning real
quick or group mating rooms real quick here all right, Yeah,
just so we're clear, the elevator's gonna go on the center.
We don't have a picture. Hang on a minute. We're
just guessing this week, go on, what this place is
gonna be like? It's it's like a committee. Ain't you
(18:48):
got blueprint? I got blueprints? But I just want to
just make sure everyone's okay with the blueprint. Blue brother.
I the personal drawing, and you know, I just don't
want to. You know, it's just showed. Why are you
personal drawling? Yeah, it's a personal drawing. The blueprints? Would
(19:10):
you drawing them? The thing? The thing looks like rest Harper.
Once you drawing in blueprints? What personal things? You drawing
this blue something? Get in my pocket? Damn it there, okay, okay,
(19:31):
what's stupid? Is stupid? Let me get it back. That's amazing.
I've never seen a naked lady like that. Yeah, it's
so artistic. I've never seen a naked lady. That's exactly
what they look like like. That's real artistic. Whoa, it's nothing,
it's just building her up in the center. Yes, wow, wow,
(19:56):
you got this proof by the city. Yeah, clip the Jeff.
Let's see your plans here. Here they are and then
it's just a rough outline. Are you all right, sir
your wedding. Yeah, it's just a very personal project. And
I want to make sure that I need to call
my supervisor over. Yea, we are going to need our supervisor.
(20:17):
Problem with you here? It's not just the elevator, my god,
well the cement is going to go right right here?
What's going on? Why are you bothering me? I'm so sorry.
Sorry to be only an emergency. Absolutely. Do you know
you said not to come in here unless we had
(20:38):
something that would give you an architecture hard on right, Yes,
we'll take a look at this. Who designed this? His
name is Chow Chowed. That's his first name. Period. Hold child,
you need to get in some sort of support group
for that. Anyways, the name, it's not about the name.
(21:02):
He's in my office right now. That's how he signed
the drawing. Excuse me? Are you? Are you Chowed? I am?
Are you someone's father? Not that I know of, but
you know it could be. Yeah, can I help you
with something? Or I was just looking at your blueprints. Dang,
(21:26):
and they're rough. They're rough. So the elevator is gonna
go in the middle, and it's gonna go it's gonna
go right at the middle, at the middle, and then
there's gonna be cement in a line. If I show
you the please. I know how to read blueprints. I've
been in the construction field a long time, but nothing
(21:48):
has given me an architectural hard on like this. Uh huh?
What do you need? Um? I yes, just materials and
a crack team that loves democracy. You've got it, Thank you.
This city is going to get behind you. Thank you.
(22:09):
Any permit is going to go forward, and any problem
you get from the press. Yeah, yeah, Look, I don't
want to throw a monkey ranch and everything. But uh,
just because you drew a picture of naked lady on
the blueprints, now we got to build a giant naked
lady with an elevator up the middle. NBC, get her
(22:30):
out of here. Sorry, we were supposed to handle that.
This building. What's this going to be. It's a passion project.
It's going to be something beautiful. Wait a second. No,
I've never seen a naked lady in real life before,
but Sonia looks like she could be the naked lady.
Let me see. Are there blueprints for this? What's going on? Private? Private?
(22:54):
Oh my god, it's just a rough draw. I mean
the elevator goes right up the middle. Yeah, there's cement.
I'm telling you, the way that they're describing is exactly
how Sonya looks. I think Sonia is a lady in
the bullprint. Think you're right. This picture does look just
like Sonya. She does have someement under her feet right now. Um,
(23:20):
it's it's you. Look familiar. I am used to work
on the same cruise as you. Chode. Yeah, yeah, it's me. Wow. Yeah,
I'm a reporter now big time. I cover all the buildings.
I can get any city permit. I want to build.
(23:41):
I'm a builder now, I work in the field. Well
this I was going to do a big expose about this,
but it looks like, um, something even more exposing is happening. Yeah, um,
he's gonna lay this Rebard down, Joe, Okay, yeah, that's caer.
Uh well, I was like, I was thinking that we'd
(24:02):
actually have a yarn yarn yep, just just hundreds of
bales of yarn just thrown over the side. And of
course the head will be an observation deck, like like
the Statue of Liberty. Yes, so, uh so, just for
funding wise, I think I want to thank the board
for being here and uh thank you so much, sir
for for coming here. And uh so, if we can
all just take a look at the uh back whatever
(24:24):
here and you'll see just this, this is a rendering
of what it's gonna look like in a a three dimensional model.
I have a question for you. Yes, I mean, look,
as the representative of the of the uh the religious
community here in town, it looks like that elevator, uh
that goes up the middle. Do I have to say
what it looks like? I can if you want me to.
I don't want to have to whether the design needs
(24:47):
to be sleek. It looks like it's sleekily fucking here
is what it looks like. Okay, I mean as someone
who represents the religious community. Yeah, I think you'll you'll
understand the efficiency and you know, the bigger the elevator shaft,
the closer to Also, just the buildings can't have intercourse,
well not until they're married. Buildings just not not even
(25:08):
you can. You can love a building, honey, but it's
not gonna love your back. And that is why I've
not seen a naked lady, because I'm from the religious
community in this local area. I've seen you. Yeah, Hi,
I never asked your name. I didn't care. Why are
you building me? Why are you building me? Jody? There's
the only way I thought I would ever see you again.
(25:30):
What if what a beacon you've put in this town?
I figured, how if if there's one thing I can do,
it's build a building. And that's why didn't you call
After the cruise back to Carnival cruise that oh ship,
it's just one number off. I don't know her number,
and we're stuck on the cruising. The women that paper
wait wait wait wait wait wait oh god, oh god,
(25:53):
oh god, you ate that piece of baby. There was
a number on it. Good God, bad? Why don't you
Why didn't you do that? Why did you do that
little with my life? That is he still on the boat. Yeah,
but it's the most huge carnival cruise feeling said, why
(26:17):
are you cut back? I fell off the boat and
I didn't know if I was ever going to see
anybody again. Oh and yet we've ended up in the
same small town and you're building me. What are the chances?
What is the elevator mean, Jode, it's just the way
to get up. Mrs as Quis. We can't run your story?
(26:40):
Why not you become the story. It's the first rule
of journalism. I'm too close, you're too close. Why are
you going to run instead? Stupid thing about the pony
that looks like a donkey? Been working on that for
seven years. It's stupid, Ted, No one cares to But
you've seen a drunk and you've seen ay and just
(27:02):
look the same. You have to run this story. You
have to run this second. Oh then kill me. Well,
there's an in between. I've got a thank you. I
think that's pretty extreme. Just kill me, all right? Guys.
So now this is exciting. We're almost done. Sandra's gonna
be here any minute. All right, I gotta put your top.
(27:22):
She she should be here by now. Good work was
the nostrils? Are you just fantastic for a compliment? Are
you great? You know when I started out in this business, kid,
they said, never make a building for a lady, Make
it for a city. Why are you telling me this now?
(27:44):
Because i'm your dad? What you are a dad? Oh
my gosh, you're my dad. Yes, this is time to celebrate.
I'm rending with my papa, and Sandra's gonna be here
any second, extra extra, read all about it? A pony
that looks like a horse. Also journalist Sandra Vasquest murdered
by her editor. Wait a pony? It looks like a
(28:06):
horse or a donkey? Hey? I wrote this story the
Sandra part. We should be focusing on the Sandra park.
Oh my go she died, she murdered. The picture makes
a little opponent looks like a donkey head. The building's canceled.
God damnit, Telly ran the rock story. I wrote him backwards.
(28:30):
We're gonna have to print a retraction. Can I write it?
All right? Okay? Do you have a pen? Use your laptop? Right? Hey, hey,
you're the editor in charge. That's right. Did you murder Sandra? Well, yes,
I believe I got my story correct. Who the hell
are you? I'm I'm just writing a retraction on my lap. Okay,
(28:56):
his lips are huge. All right. That's another story, Jesus.
And that's and that's the story of the beautiful lady
building in the middle of our town. Wow, that's that's
really disturbing. Why why did she have to die? Well
(29:17):
she if she hadn't died, this building would have never
been made. Right. True love doesn't survive the buildings, do
I don't know. You want to take the elevator straight
up through the middle. Not with you, dad? You got
changed for an old architect guy builder? Sorry, pal, No, No,
(29:37):
we're in the future. Nobody has changed. So I'm so sad. Well,
you said you're an old architect. You didn't do this building,
did you? Yeah? I did. I did. It's such a
great multi use space. No, your true love died murdered
(29:59):
at an office the thigh for a while. Yeah. Now
they're just all stores stores you need, uh? I Like,
let's tell you some kid, They'll never fall in love.
Can you tell me a few feetback because your breast
mouth does it? Like? Like I want to take my
(30:20):
kid up to the observation deck. I don't want to
do that with your dad. I'll go by myself. How
about me and you go? Sure? Why not? I'll just
wait down here? Okay, hopefully no we kidnaps me. All right?
Watch my blanket. Here, here's the car, get yourself, pair
bugs done well. The yarn really didn't protect the observation deck.
(30:47):
It didn't stand up to the weather. I like, man,
broste what a witness to my dad? What? No, don't
do it. There's so much to live for. What you
built a beautiful naked lady. You know it's the most
notable thing in this town. And then they killed her
for it. I can still smell your breath all the
(31:08):
way down here, A beautiful kid. I do you know
what love is? I guess yeah. Look, you get so
much to live for. Build another building. I don't know
if there's an empty lot across the street, build a
naked guy. I just got this stupid dry it's nothing.
Let me take that. Wow, it's nothing, stupid. Oh sorry,
(31:33):
sorry about that. Wait, So your name's down. Yeah, that's right. Okay,
I'll go with you. My name's Are you are? Yeah?
That's interesting? Are you? Are you Clark? Are you a clerk?
All right? Guy? Our last seed for today is from Carson,
(32:06):
who wrote, Hey, guys, like everyone else, my also boring,
our drive to school as hell without your angelic voices.
I have a see for y'all regarding my own living situation.
My boyfriend's mother left the house to him and my
friends and I moved in. We're early twenties, all of
varying races and more guys than girls. I'd love to
hear conversations and arguments you think would happen in a
(32:27):
house full of nerds, weirdos and a feeder kid. Thanks
for the last Carson Lankston from Greenville, South Carolina. I
mean check off is actually a comedic writer. In case
you weren't totally aware, Um, yeah, if you think boring
things are funny, I don't think boring things are funny,
you said, I don't think boring things are funny. Oh, so,
(32:51):
like if there's a gun that's hanging on the wall
in the first act that it's going to be used
by the end of the play. Hilarious. Right, yeah, but Alison,
the trivial pursuit question was who plays number thirty four
for the Lakers? Okay, I'm just trying to teach you things. Okay.
I have a lot of information in my head about
theater specifically. Okay, so somebody else has to roll. Here
(33:15):
we go, all right with me? Sixteen? How many dice
did you roll? Three dice? Did you just say? Mama,
Mia sixteen said someone moved me? Six Oh I heard mama. Everything. Okay, here,
let me. Did someone take my kimono? I did not.
(33:36):
I don't know if I went too. I did, I
took it? What did you do with it? I'm using
it in a performance of Madam Butterfly. You have to
ask me before you can take my kimona. Okay, Well,
I'm sorry. I just wanted to borrow it. Well, you
have to. That's stealing unless you ask. Okay, next time
I'll ask. Listen, I'm just gonna break it. I'm going
(33:56):
to break it to you. You don't fit in. Everything
you do is about theater and about plays, and I'm
like Shakespeare. I don't fit in. I'm like Shakespeareously you
don't like Why can't you just really live a real life. Yeah,
we've just been living here, a normal real life. It's
not all drama and Madam Butterfly and Shakespeare. Okay. Harry
(34:20):
Potter fan. Yeah, you know who's a Harry Potter fan? Everyone? Everyone,
everyone's Harry Potter fan. We've all taken the quiz house.
Did you get when you took the quiz that the
sorting hat didn't even know what to do? Raven Claw
of course, the one that nobody knows anything about. Okay,
(34:41):
they're loyal. Also, the stage version is in Cannon. So
are you're looking for another house? Yeah? All right, let
me see what I can't get you some set up here? Uh,
what are your likes and dislikes? Um, my likes our theater,
my dislikes our real life. Okay, it's gonna be hard
(35:03):
to match up. Why is that hard? Because you live
in a fake world? All right, you don't live in
the ground of real world. Okay, but like isn't the
fake world. But we're all aspiring towards No, I'm trying
to pay rent, all right, I'm trying to live my life.
But you don't have fantasies. I got fantasies. He of course,
I do. Tell me about your fantasy, your child. I can't.
You can't. I feel uncofortable bringing them up, honestly, pull
(35:28):
my tail. Okay, I got the lid of fox or
do you think I hid the ham? Huh? I don't
know where the ham is. Just into my human fox
eyes and tell me. Don't like Well, I know you're
looking for a new place, but there's not really any
(35:50):
apartment under the upper house. But I can make it
into a livable space. I mean it's it's it's really
just nothing but old storage. Do you come with it? Uh?
Are you part of living space? Well? I work here
on the else. Take care of you underneath, because you
are a character, like you're a real character. Is it's
(36:10):
a scar on my face in the voice? Al right?
Well that's very sweet, sweet, But I work here. So
if you need anything, you just earlier you let me know.
I need something, not immediately. Need love. You need love.
I need love. You are in the city for it,
my dear, you're going to I guess we can put
a cut down here. Maybe. Oh sure, that sounds romantic
(36:33):
as a cot for two, I said for two. Yeah,
I heard what you said. It translates I don't. I
don't know if I don't know what you're looking for. Actually,
I literally said, I'm looking for love. I need it.
But why are you looking at me like that? Well
you're just so interesting. You're like no other man I've
ever seen in real life. Ah, so this is a
(36:57):
speed debt. I'm not have do this before. You say
your apartment is just two letters? Correct, art Town? Yes,
that's correct. And I would love for you to wear
this sack to be the paper boy. Yeah, this sack
of mail. You're the newspaper boy from art different personal,
(37:22):
different person, Okay, new person I was Please, are not
two for six or one? I'm looking for a roommate.
Oh I'm looking for love. We're looking for love. Oh sorry,
but I'll take a roommate too. I really need roommate. Okay, well,
(37:48):
my real parents are probably still looking for me. I
got a feeling all about you. Wow, I gosh, you
you seem great. Oh that's my tomb dog. I love
dogs and sandy. Do you know I just guessed? Okay,
that's it. Find someone to find someone that's a detective.
(38:10):
Find someone else. Someone need a detective. Oh no, I
need someone else. Pardon me, I had the tangtes this
good day, the detective. I'm on the beat. Did you
need me? Who is that woman? I don't know. It's
a case to be solved. I figured out that doctor
fifteen seconds. Who are you, Hi, I'm beautiful Kamana. Oh
(38:33):
thank you. I'm looking for love in all the right places.
Sounds like a mystery. We can get to the bottom of. Wow,
I think so too. How do you feel about sharing space? Thing? Okay,
that's it. I look, everyone you met today are people
that you can talk to later. That's it, all right,
So we understand. Yeah, I do not understand anything. It's
(38:57):
pretty straightforward. You get Yeah, I'm not a producer for
I didn't know, says okay, we understand it. Yes, all right.
Look you seem interesting to me. You seem like a
real character. You seem like somebody I could really relate to.
I don't know. Okay, I come here to this country
(39:19):
make work, all right? You make I make work? I do.
Then I just hang around the glove. I don't know
what to do, so I saying Hi, I'm sorry. I'm
Cameron Macintosh, Broadway producer. I was just wandering by and
(39:39):
I heard your little diddy and i'd like to develop
it into a three and a half hour show. Why
are you, sir? I literally said, I'm Cameron McIntosh, Broadway producer.
We just went through this McIntosh computer sure, yes, okay,
I work with your computer boy. Okay, great, So we're
gonna go take this and we're gonna twutter around. Want
(40:00):
they're small, little stages, make it bigger? Fine? Whatever do
you pay? Yeah, that's the idea. Yes, okay, good, I
do it for money? Yuh, well wait a second, do
it for money? Nobody does theater for money? Oh, so
you're back. You didn't find true love out there? Now,
but I had an adventure. Well we got a new roommates,
there's no longer no vacancy. Well, I need, I need,
(40:22):
I need to live somewhere. This reminds me of this
Neil Simon play that I love. This person gets kicked out,
but then they show back up and they're like, hey,
can I live here? And then the people who are
living there like, yeah, of course you can live. We
heard him grown. It's a comedy. Can places I'll do
that come in spoiling if if she's back, then the
(40:45):
way I have to give him my room. No, you
don't have to, but if you did, there would be
a room for it. Wait a second, Jean Valjean, Yeah,
we met on the speed dating thing. Oh that's what
I thought they were, is a speed dating for roommates.
But it turned out it was speed They think criminal.
(41:06):
He's been the greatest roommate. I think he was wrongly
accused because seems like he's a really good heart. I
don't know, guys. I did have a loaf of bread
in the fridge, and I think he stole my love
of bread? Why did you keep you reading the fridge bugs?
But look, I have these I got these candlesticks that
are very nice. Anything when there's a gun over the
mantel piece that I put there is where is it?
(41:26):
Or is it? What happened? How did the gun disappear?
Oh it's right, there was a gun. There, there was
a gun. There's a comedy. Look it's not comedy. It
is my life. What was that thing you used to
say about if there's a gun, Well, come on, in
a check off play. If there's a gun in the
(41:47):
first act and it's going to be used by the
third act by the end of the show off, so
what what act are we in right now? Well, I
think it's up to us. Oh my god, I think
it's up to six So movie eighteen. See what the
question is? Okay, Okay, here we go. Okay. Do you
(42:07):
want to do sports? Uh? Do you want to do
pop culture? Do you want to science? Or do you
want to do imagine technology? Imaginary technology? Okay? In what
indie sci fi film? Oh god was the tests Iraq mentioned?
Oh you know this indie sci fi film? Indie indie indeed?
(42:32):
What is this? Indeed? Yes? Yes, yes, okay, okay, we
will again see that car three sixes again? What is
where we three sixes all the time? Six six six Hello?
Design inspect roommates. You know this guy, he's my old roommate.
He's looking for me. You did not do your dishes.
(42:57):
I have come to take it out on you forever
of your there. I did my dishes in the sink.
You did not. I checked. They still had streaks on that.
What's should do your dishes? Sometimes this is where they're
going to come to an understanding. Shouldn't be at the
same time, Yes, at the exact same time. Perhaps if
(43:19):
one of us washed and the other tried, that could
never work. It would work. It could work. It could work.
If we did it together. We could. We could. Did
you were going to do it together? To do it together?
We could? We could do it. Do this together together,
(43:41):
We come together. All that bullet went through both of them.
Oh my god, I'm sorry. That was so annoying. Oh
my god, finally together we child friend. I've always loved you.
I loved you more I was afraid not just hit
(44:05):
him with it. You guys, you got to let me
live in this place again. Brought this here. This is amazing.
You brought this here. You you're welcome. This is so insane. Okay,
so let's just see here looking over your credentials. It's
nice and um, okay, there's a gap of work here.
(44:29):
Is that when you went to college? Uh um? Kind
of what do you mean? Kind of? Well, I am,
I got kicked out of my apartment and I went
on a long adventure learning about myself and and men.
So you didn't work or there was well, I mean
I worked at being an interesting person, having a life experience.
(44:52):
What are you getting at? Well, we're at we really
want to find someone that really knows what they're doing. Okay,
and we do off for housing. Well, I wear shoes. Okay,
maybe you're maybe you want to take a step out
and kind of decompressed for a bit. Okay, maybe you
need to hear a song. Okay, well please listen to
my life story. Okay, that's my glass. I have so
(45:17):
much to get get security in here? Is there any
way to get security my life story? Can we just
escort her out? Please? Because she's singing, yes, and she
broke a glass. There's a rule against singing. There's a
rule against breaking the glass. So just please, Why are
you challenging me? I'm asking for your help. Just heard
(45:38):
the voice of an angel. Okay, well you know what?
Excuse me? Is this the ug store on thigh? Does
that went to the store and calf first? They don't
have everything? Yeah, they got bigger sizes in this one.
Do you mind just escorting her out? Please? Out handle
the sale? Does she want to come out with me?
It will totally come out with you. Go out with
Let's go on the elevator, straight down the middle on
(46:01):
the elevator with anyone before Well, come with me. So
these are knee high press your floor where we could
go up or down or press the button that stops
right in the middle tonight tonight, Are you not talking
to me now? Sorry? I was just getting in romantic. Oh,
(46:24):
I was just feeling going. I'm sorry. It's a hard
knock life for us, or if us. We're in an orifice.
We are, We're in an orifice. Wow, you're perfect. Thank you.
You're great. From what I know, I'm pretty great. It's
(46:45):
true observation. Deck Ha, you got so much slip for man,
that's all. You don't understand what's happening. Just walked in
the middle of our drama. I just inspiration anything. Do
you want us to push? You push me artistic three? Oh,
(47:12):
it's hilarious. It's like something I gotta check off. And
that's our show. Hey, guys, this is episode fifty impossible.
I was just told this. It's true. Let's go around.
Thank your alchemists. Do our plugs. Carla Kakowski, Hi, Yeah,
(47:34):
at Carla Kakowski is my Twitter handle Vanessa Raglan. You
can go to Dynasty Typewriter on Instagram and see what's
going on over there. And I pick a lot of
the gifts. So an excellent popcorn, Yes, great popcorn. Stay
for the popcorn. Okay, Gangley already got the work Juice players,
check out We Got This with Mark and Hell and
check out Blood and Treasure Tuesdays on CBS. Great Kikowski
(47:58):
at Kikowski on Twitter. Also Craig's This Peacast for the
Craigslist podcast and Uh Drunk History Season six, currently airing
on Hulu and Comedy Central. James Teney, if you go
to the real James Teney dot com you'll find all
the information you could possibly want about me, about anything else.
If Wednesday's second and fourth at West County Theater, bear
(48:19):
supply Joey Greer at jeby Greeber on Instagram. It's about it.
Uh uh, that's it. I'm at Cole Stratton on most
social media things. Pretty pretty Pony first Thursday the month
at West County Theater and hey, if you're bored, you
want to go through some archives. Vanessa and I did
a podcast for seven years together, by My Culture. There's
(48:41):
like two and seventeen episodes of really cool people, yeah,
really fun guests. Yeah. I was never on that pod.
That was our only rule. Sorry, we had to have
some guiding prints, I understand. Also, big thanks to our
engineer Doug Babe, our post sound design artist Raphael Brito,
(49:02):
our producer Sophie Lichtman, and lastly, I Heart Media be
cured you all to write a review, tell everybody you've
ever met about the podcast, and write to us at
your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your
name here at alchemy this dot com. Until next time,
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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