Gap potatoes

Gap potatoes
Overly full orchestra
Ben Franklin's tries to get "finders keepers" in the Constitution

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This I'm Craig Kaikowski.
It's fun to say, you know, even it's my own name,
but there's a lot of hard see and kay sounds,
and it's just it's just fun to say everybody wherever
you are right now, even if you're at work on
the subway. So let's just take a moment to say,

(00:25):
Craig Kowski, Craig the power that I have. Uh, let's
say hello to our alchemists today. Everybody's gonna get the
same question because we're all from different states. Uh, and
so I'm curious, what about you? Epitomizes the state that

(00:48):
you're from, Chris Elarado, Why are you so California? Because
I grew up in the hood. I grew up in
a crazy part, not a not a fantastic part of
Los Angeles, surrounded by even cromier cities, So I think
I think that's my flavor. I think when I moved
to Chicago, people were like, dang, dude, you're not like

(01:12):
the surfer type California. And I was like, because I'm
because I'm I'm a gangster. So I'm really embarrassed by
that answer. By the way, type in the surfer type
of California. That's absolutely true, a duel thank you and
thank you. I think it's the last thing. I guess
if I can kind of like settle it, like kind
of like solidify this for me, if like it's like

(01:33):
an ice cube song comes on, like something with like
west Side, Like I really feel that kind of like
that kind of like so cal l a bumping music
that's really like it's in my d n A. So
I hope that kind of set that kind of cleared
that up a little bit. Yes, thank you. You're a
territorial where you were from? Jackie Gonzalez do ruthy uh?

(01:56):
What about you? Epitomizes Florida, you know, Florida, Florida woman,
Florida so ashamed at this point. Um, but if you've
been to Miami, you know it's very different from Florida,
though it shares some of its heinous traits, of course,
some of its conservative traits. However, it is a different land.

(02:21):
So I would say, what about me, epitobizes my Miami
is probably I would just say my body, like moving
my body, I would say, like moving my body while
I talk, but also like dancing and like my you
know what I mean. I also feel like in public
I have no shame in terms of dancing and singing,

(02:46):
like being loud and like tell what you know. And
that's very Miami in terms of like, yeah, like if
I'm with my friends or in a grocery store and
a song comes on that we like like we're gonna
start dancing, and that's it feels very Miami. Okay, but
not so much Pensacola or Jacksonville or Water not the
Florida in me. I do like a lizard. Um, what

(03:12):
is going on? Okay, we'll get we'll go with your
first answer. Your first answer, I like a lizard. I'm
not scared. I like like a lizard a tool sing.
Uh what about you? Is so Texas? Oh? Thanks? When
Jackie said lizard, I did think she meant eating lizards
and not just she likes lizards, so that she clarified

(03:34):
that sort of What about Texas? So, uh, they're they're
growing up in Texas. There was a lot of state pride.
Uh um, we say the biggest state in the continuous US,
so to to geographically maybe that very clear that in
the forty eight connected states we are the biggest, not
worried about Alaska in this count Um, you know everything

(03:58):
really there is a concern. So I always used to
take a lot of pride in that, Uh, we have
shirts to say, y'all can go to Hell. I'm going
to Texas. This is sponsored Don't Mess with Texas. One
of the best marketing campaigns that ever existed. Um, just
a lot of state pride. And I always like that,

(04:18):
even though some of it was for for silly things. Um,
how does that exemplify itself Texas stuff in my day
to day? Um? Yeah. I also liked when I when
I moved to New York and I realized the pace
was much faster, I did like I always miss the
Texas pace, which is just like, hey, how you doing
when you're at the seven eleven or whatever and slow down?

(04:40):
Need a lizard? I got a friend, I got a
friend in Miami. Alright, well are you in a hurry? Bell,
Just sit down, have a lizard. Let's head on over
to uh, to the state that borders more states than
any other. Tennessee's I think tied with Missouri. I think gags.

(05:02):
What about you like to point out that that that quote, uh,
y'all can go to hell? I'm going to Texas, said
by a famous Tennessee and David Crockett. And I think
I think the thing that makes me most Tennessee and
in in mentioning famous people from our from my state, uh,

(05:23):
in mentioning David Crockett, I think that for me, it
is a combination of two of my heroes growing up,
one from right near where I'm from and one from
the other end of the state. And those two people
would of course be Elvis Presley and Dolly Parton. It
is I like to think of myself as the combination
of Elvis Presley and Dolly Parton. I'd like to hope

(05:46):
that that is what I exude. Uh is a is
a combination of those two. Um, that's what makes well, yeah,
what about what about you? Can we turn this? I
know you're the one hosting and asking, can we turn
this around to you, Craig and ask about virgin It Well,
Virginia is for lovers, said, enough said. I'm also from

(06:08):
very suburban Virginia, meaning there are no rap songs that
immediately make me be like oh yeah, this is like yeah, yeah,
about a half hour drive down. Uh. By the way,
if you're from the east coast. You just say the interstate,

(06:29):
you don't put the in front of it. So that's
a California thing. It's also in the South it's it's
uh yeah, yeah, same in in Florida, whether you count
that as the South where I'm from the Caribbeant. Well,
we can talk about regional differences all day, and I'm

(06:52):
sure our Australian and German listeners are really enjoying this
as well, but it's time to move on to another
episode of our Give Me This. All of our scene
suggestions are gathered from listeners emails or from our Patreon
v I p s to become a Patreon supporter of
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(07:13):
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submit a scene suggestion via email, please write to the
podcast on our new email address. I'll give me this
email at gmail dot com. That's Texas Seene one Today

(07:35):
comes from Big Mike Car Battery Possible pseudonym. That's a
great name, whether it's a pity or fake name. Big
Mike car Battery is the is the submitter. Uh. They
say five Guys gets its potatoes from Idaho ten months
out of the year. The other two months are filled

(07:57):
with gap potatoes, which comes from watching Din or Oregon.
So the suggestion is gap potatoes. And excuse me, do
you have this sweater in a light blue? And also
can I get this potato in a small? Yes? Of course.
Let me let me look in the back for for

(08:19):
the see if we have that particular potato and small,
if not the ones on either side of it, you
can there's not that much difference in the potatoes. You
want me to bring out one of each and a
small for you to just check them out? Yeah, I
want to each in a small and the blue. I
just think that color. No, I know you're I know
you mentioned it. I didn't forget that part. I'm just

(08:41):
I'm just saying I didn't forget that part. I'll be
right back. He's being weird with me, right. He shouldn't
talk to you like that. No one should talk to
you like that. He's acting like we didn't go to
fucking high school together. Was he a loser? I but
he was a loser in high school. I mean he
wasn't like, wouldn't like popular, But I wouldn't call him

(09:04):
a loser to him. But Okay, UH found it. I
found Here's here is the baby blue that you wanted.
Thank you so much? Yeah, sure, thing, it's perfect. Do
you do you remember her because you're acting like you
she went to high school with you. Yeah, no, I know.

(09:24):
She's a doctor. Everybody remembers, sir. She gave the best
valedictorian speech our school ever had. We all remember her,
we remember, we remember after that when she went off
and served in Congress for two years, we all remember
all of this. She's the youngest, she's the highest woman. Yes,
she's the state of Delaware, the highest performing member of

(09:48):
our school in Delaware. Yeah, so of course I remember her. Now.
Can I get back to the stock room please? Wow, Well,
thank you, Hoyt. I just wanted to acknowledge the help
that you've given us. Um and wait wait hey yeah

(10:09):
look likeez yeah. Sorry, I'm just boy's night. Get the darts,
let's go. Yeah. Sorry, it was a crazy thing happened
at work today. It was just it was. Yeah, it was, well,
this this this like the most perfect person from our school,
like you know, this untouchable person from our school. Like
she she came into the into the into the mall,
and she came to you know, she came to the

(10:30):
gap for potatoes and I I wasn't wearing my name
tag and she knew my name. It's really weird. Like
that's that's a good thing, right, it's awesome. I mean, honestly,
it's it's a pretty unusual name. I guess that's true.
It's just kind of threw me off. Sorry, Sorry, I
know it's it's my frame alp. Yeah, it's wait, I said,

(10:51):
darts arts wake up. Sorry, it's it's guys nights. It's
it's frame and listen, guys night, guys night. Did she
make you feel I just want to get I just
want to clarify. Did she make you feel special or
did you feel man? No, she made me like I
was kind of a dick to her. And then and

(11:13):
then she made me feel special just by that one
little move of remembering my name. And I mean I
realized it's yeah, it was weird. It was she probably
wants to come on you say that about everyone that
anyone has ever mentioned a conversation. You always think they
want to do two pictures too. Pictures there you are enjoy, gentlemen,

(11:34):
Thank you so much. That person right there now, don't
say it she wants to do We even order to. Yes,
I don't mean to be like judgmental or rude or anything,
but like, yeah, she gets hurt. She buys Gap potatoes.

(11:57):
Not like no disrespect like I know, like a job's
a job. No, I mean it sounds like disrespect, Like
I just mean, like, yeah, I used to get my
my potest from Gap in like high school, like when
I was like poor college did he moved on to
Abercrombie potatoes, Yeah, and then that became very problematic. So
then I moved on to because they peel their potatoes.
All their potatoes are just out there without all right.

(12:19):
So I'm just saying, at the at the very least,
I'm a Jay Crew potato guy. It just sounds like
it's always about brands for you though. Man, It's just
it's it's potatoes. It's yeah, you know. Anyway, Sorry, I
haven't got so thrown off by all of this, guys.
I'm gonna hold on hold on. I'm gonna I'm gonna
speak for all the all the fellows here, Fellows are

(12:40):
you thinking when I'm thinking? We pile in my car
and we drive over to this girl's house and let
White profess his love to her. We just what Oh,
no one was thinking that. No, man, this is an
existential moment. I don't know what I mean. Okay, bab
I want to show you everything that I got because

(13:00):
some of it's for me, but some of it's for
you too. So I got these jeans and I know
that they're like not the super huggiest on my ask
because that's not what's in right now. And you prefer
it to be a little tighter. But trust me, I'll
only wear it with the tiniest little crop top. Keep
it tiny, keep it tight on top, keep it loose

(13:21):
and flowing on the bottom. Got this little blue sweater
so cute, Oh my gosh, really looks good with my eyes.
And for you, I got these small potatoes. Are these
new potatoes? Yeah? I got them from the gap. I

(13:41):
don't know. It's just like I thought it would be
like kind of fun to like, there's some finger finger
links in there too. Yeah, I can get some of those.
If that's like you're into um whatever these are there,
that's a finger link. Okay, So I got these these

(14:01):
little potatoes for us us, you know, for you, and
if you want, I can try him on. Well hawait
just dropped off all the fellows. It's uh yeah off. Look,
you can go in your house play call of duty,
drink yourself to sleep, or you go tell that tell

(14:24):
that woman. Wait, how you feeling? I don't know. I
had thought about her in so long, and I mean
she was valedictorian of the school. Plus she's she's married
to that that that that the mob guy, you know,
the mob guy from the paper. Oh my god, the
mob guy. Yeah, yeah, I don't like like Torino or

(14:45):
I don't even remember what his name was, but it
was called I just remember him being the mob guy.
Look I help you, um um babe, another guy from
the Master love with you, another guy for you. I
have to go. I'm so sorry, I'm gonna go. You

(15:10):
see rena serenader. I mean, look, this was a bad idea.
I didn't even think that this is how this do.
People usually serenade you like some people do to love
actually cute card thing. I didn't I don't like whatever
makes you feel the best, and now like, yeah, I'll

(15:31):
go in the other room. I guess some mob stuff
to take care of. Okay, I'm this is, this is
I don't. I feel like I just have to kind
of improvise something dramatic, now attention. I love dramatic. All right? Um,
can I get a suggestion? Hey? Oh, every time we

(15:53):
have the mom meeting at your house, there's always so
many interruptions. Can we just do it down at our club?
Can we just do it at the club? H look,
Don Ron, uh my, I get the nicest house, right,
I mean, it's done. That is no doubt you have

(16:13):
a nice house. You have a four bedroom, three bad
three thousand square feet. I get it. I just want
to clarify something. Were you calling him Don Ron or
were you saying Don and Ron? I thought I was.
I was talking to Don Ron, not to Ron. Oh.
When I'm talking to you Ron, you'll know it. No,

(16:34):
of course, of course, of course I'm sorry Don Ron Ron. Yeah, Ron,
Unfortunately are not made yet, so you can't be referred
to as Don. That is the rules. Can we talk
about that for a second. Sure, Actually, we wanted to
talk to you about that. I feel like I feel
like I'm never gonna be made. Uh that's where you're
getting made when you least expected. Okay, see that sounds

(16:56):
like I'm gonna get whacked when I at least expected.
I don't know. We got this trophy for right here?
Look at this best rod? All right, it's nice. R
whoa no offense done right? No nose? Hey? What what?

(17:19):
What do you? What are you doing? I know it's
like I know, it's like I just I couldn't sleep yet.
How did it go? How did it go? Terribly? It
went terribly. I stood there for forty five minutes and
did a dramatic improv set in front of me. I said,
I need to improvise. I didn't. No, there's not I mean,
it's dramatic improv is. It's it's a style and people

(17:41):
do it. But I wasn't expecting to do it. I said, improvise,
And suddenly I'm up there like like I'm doing a show,
and and it did not go well. I don't know
at one. That's here's what I want to say. I
want to say, when you do in dramatic improv you
don't get the laughs that you typically would in your
normally improv, so you don't know she she might have
been captivated engage. Let me ask you this. What was

(18:02):
she wearing something like tie the top and flowing the
bottom or what? Well, yeah, it was she was wearing
the Model three or four jeans, which we actually just
put on sale. Uh and then she had that blue Uh. Sorry,
I don't mean to bring work into this, but I'm
just trying to get some sleep. Man, I'm just trying
to get some sleep after a really for Fox say yeah,

(18:23):
come on in. I mean, okay, baby, he's gone. Did
you did you win you back? No? You know, no
one can ever win from you. Also ended up doing
like improv, but it wasn't funny, so I didn't really
know what he was doing, right, impro was funny? Yeah,

(18:47):
I was just like when he said improv, I was like, okay, cool,
I'm ready to laugh. I'm expecting to laugh and I'm
ready to laugh. And then he wasn't laughing, and I
was like, what the fuck is going on? I like
him provay, Hey are you sleeping? Yeah? Hell, I mean
I was because I was thinking I was thinking, like

(19:11):
they are like other ways an audience can show that
they're interested, right, and like dramatic improvisation is something that
is like some of the most beautiful art that happens
on this planet. You know. Can we talk about this
in the morning, Yes, of course, of course. Maybe. I
love when you improv Yeah, I'm funny. You're so funny.

(19:33):
You're always You're always improvising. You're always eating banana and
saying you're eating an apple, and I'm always laughing and
laughing Um. John Ron told me after whack Ron what
I had to tell somebody like. I feel terrible about it.

(19:53):
I'm so sorry. How can I thinks he's gonna get
made down whack him instead? Oh my gosh, she's going
to be made into to eat the fishes. What. Yeah,
he's gonna he's gonna be made to eat the fishes. Sorry, no, no,
that's how I'm to kill him. Hey fellas, Hey, hey, oh,

(20:15):
meeting at a warehouse. I liked it. What did this? Oh?
Go snacks? Here? Gold fish? You let gold fish? Right,
have a couple of here. Do you got an I
ain't got any water or something? No, no keeping fish?
Oh no, oh no, fellas, come on, what did you

(20:40):
what did you put that trophy? We gave you. We
need it back. I'll never tell you jumping. We don't
need a back we got. I'm joking at that. I'm
joking at that little water. I can't give you water,
all right, don Torino. I will assume you will take
care of the buddy. Yeah, Can I get a suggestion

(21:03):
of a place to put the body? Look? What kind
of look? You're a valedictorian, So you're smart enough to
know that when this light is on you, you're sitting
at this table, and there's a mirror right there that
we want answers. We want answers about you, your husband
and everything you know. Did your husband happen to give

(21:25):
away any secrets to you before the untimely murder of Ron?
I'm also smart enough to know that I have a
right to a lawyer, and I don't need to say
a goddamn thing until she gets here. Fine, you want
your lawyer here. We can sit here and wait all day.
I'm gonna put my feet up, I'm gonna give myself

(21:46):
a snack, and I'm just gonna glare at you from
across this table because I know you know something. I
know you know something. Hello, are you know? Brockovich? Ch crap,
Aaron Brock, you talked to me from now on as
my client had anything to drink. I don't know. I

(22:09):
didn't breathalyze her. Oh, just like a water single of water.
Why don't you, detective? Do you mind just going and
get in that right and turn off the recording device? Please? God,
I can't help but to say yes to everything she asks,
unless you want me to have your badge up my ass,
I would suggest you do everything that's our first see

(22:37):
see too Today is from Jeanette. Hello, wonderful alchemists. You
keep me sane or at least giggling while I wrestle
with complicated geometry. I thank you for that. I don't
know if that's Janette's job or just just something she
does as a hobby. Uh. This is from Jeanette to Jackie.
It delights me extra every time you're on the show.

(22:57):
I'm a former concert master, and I love Craig's to
piction of an unassuming bassoonist in the New National Anthem episode.
I have no memory of that, so hoping for more
musical magic, my suggestion is overly full orchestra gratitude and love.
Jeanette in Seattle maestro, there is a third oboe player.

(23:26):
And I'm just I, um, I'm not a problem starter, um,
but I just want to know why there's so many chairs.
It sounds a little bit like you're a problem starter, maestro. Maestro, Maestro,
I love you. I've loved you from your days in Tennessee.

(23:46):
Two here and no disrespective man. Yes, I started out
in the Tennessee is it in a very small and
now it is my my goal to have the biggest
orchestriving of the world. So if I want the three
Oh bowls, and then I get to three Oh bowls, okay,

(24:10):
and you a third chair right now? I don't know
why I was complaining. Geez, all right, thank you, mis Hey,
how's it going. You knew you need to the correct
you're talking to me, I couldn't you he's talking to Okay,

(24:36):
enough with the sample, Okay, Okay, I'm not gonna look
over the score for today as you guys have a
your little conversation. Okay, I'm sorry you were saying. I
was saying, you're obviously third chair obow. Yeah. I don't
know if you noticed, but this orchestra is overly so

(24:59):
we're looking at cut back what I just asked the
maestro about and he said that he's not gonna do it.
I don't know if you've talked to him. Yeah, he's
not gonna do it. He's not gonna do it. Are
you going to handle this on the inside? This is
a beautiful instrument you have. I just wanted to one

(25:22):
more time make an announcement to everyone. If you know
anyone who plays an instrument, just let him know about this.
Like the more the marrier, honestly, like, uh, you know,
any anything, and it doesn't have to be an orchestral instrument.
You know, we've got a lot of islands. We've got
a few viola's, you know. I know guy, Yeah, yeah,

(25:48):
you know a guy. You know, a guy who can
get get me into an orchestra. I mean you play
the the what's the desider zi phone? It's my own invention,
sweethearts to this homeless man. Don't do like that, don't no,

(26:12):
it's it's okay. Nobody wants to talk to me and
my Zida phone. I guess I'll be making man. I'm here.
I'm here, crossing this street every day to go get
you milk and cookies and bring that home for you,
and so I know his talent. He's very good. For

(26:32):
one second, for one second, listen to this man. Do
you have a do you have a favorite song I
can play on? And don't even like that? Sure, let
me put let me, let me put my Zida phone on.
Climbing here and it's incredible. Let me just get the

(26:57):
rope here, twist around and inside down. All right, here
we go in. Don't do me like that. Don't do
me like that. And I just want to give you
a hundred dollar tip. Keep it up. Oh thanks, Mr.
Don't do me like that. He must be like that. Okay,

(27:19):
one more time from the top. We're going to do
a two hundred and fifty piece instrument version of Tom
Petty and the Heartbreakers and don't do me like that. Okay,
But it's it's a missing it's a missing something. Yes,
excuse me. Um, I'm here, I'm I'm on the trumpets

(27:40):
and I've got the chorus down, but I can't think
of how the song starts. It goes. I was talking
with a friend of mine, said a woman had a
heart his pride told her that he loved him. So
turn him, let him go, and you say you're better
watch your step or you're gonna get hurt yourself. Someone'll

(28:00):
tell you a lie, cut you down to size, and
then you're singing the Corse like forever. I feel like Stephanie.
It doesn't know site reading. It's all on the site
of music or in front of it is all on
the side. Was like, but I want the big orchestra,
so I don't care whether people can my sure, my sure,

(28:20):
somebody willed in this metal and tubes sticking out, there's
a person living in it. Oh, I know, I just
I didn't mean to interrupt your your orchestra, but I
I heard you were looking for new new people and instruments.

(28:42):
To add, I'd like to offer up the services of
Mazda phone is zidaphone. Yeah, yeah, I've only heard of
it after myself because I made it up. Well, we
were trying a very very difficult to Pete. I don't
know if you overheard it. It's a Tom Petty and

(29:03):
the Heartbreakers that don't don't do like that. Yeah, of
course I know that, you know. Yeah, I was just
doing it for a nice folks out out on the
street out there. I was playing it for him. They
like like my version, my show my show. I'm sorry,
but isn't this orchestra clearly over? You know your your

(29:26):
oboist is right? I should just go if I do? No, oh, no,
go ahead. It sounded like you're about to give me
you want to hear this ida phone? Alright, well hold on,
let me get it ready. Climbing here, get this, pull
this strap over here. Oh, this one's down these downstairs.

(29:49):
I gotta go downstairs and get this one. It's a multilevel.
Put get the three more. Just there's gotta be one
of these hammers is a little off. Let me fix that.
I just got to oil this one spot here And okay,
I think I'm ready. Just when don't you just hit
that big button on the outside. Don't do it like that.

(30:13):
Don't know a straight straight to the car. It's okay,
I don't know the verse. Uh. These are primost seats
to the orchestra. I'm talking dead center orchestra seating. And
do I get a little bit of discount because I
actually discovered one of the orchestra players. Let me put

(30:34):
that in coupon code. We don't need a discount, we
need discount paper. Right now. They have them, let us
have them. We just turned rich. Everybody turns down the discount,
we can't then give it, sir, not a problem, a problem,
cash or cash? Okay, great, it's really changed since he

(30:56):
got rich. Changed. I just got rip week. Can I
ask what was the miracle the success for you? Of course,
I'm an inventor. I invented something you use every day
and don't even know that something dollars for all thousand

(31:16):
dollar bills one to three, four six perfect. Put that
in the two very expensive scene and we will just
email you the team nues. Just check your phone that's
probably there right now. We use this. We don't bring
our phones. This new app we just got last week,

(31:38):
which emails tickets to you directly. Can we get a
printed version? This time version? Remail it to myself and
then I'll print it out. All right? What wait? I
can hear it's starting to send it to my Yeah,

(31:58):
and I don't use that anymore. This is taking a
long time. Oh it's warning me that I sent it
to two separate email addresses. But I'm gonna say, okay,
not a problem, just one more minute, okay. I just
want to let you know how a special you all
are to me, and except you I don't know you,
but but come on in, welcome, join us, um and

(32:22):
we have a children's choir. We have a fifty piece
children's choir which is going to be joining us tonight.
And uh what else we got? We got a banjo? Now,
like it's like why not? Hey? Sorry, I'm like, can
I play my mouth art for you the orchestra? Yeah?
Sure thing, come on in? Do you know adult to

(32:43):
do me like that? Sure? Everybody knows. Don't do me
like that? Don't don't you want? Don't you that is?
That is exactly the song. Yeah. Now I want you
to know because the tickets are like prohibitively expensive, so
you know, uh, it's a it's a very elitist crowd.

(33:05):
And yes, maestro, yes, first chair, Obo, what is this?
What is this all about? What? What are you doing?
What is going on with you that you need to
fill every single space on the stage and theater with
other people? What do you? How do you? What void

(33:29):
are you trying to fill? Maestro? I can't hear anything
from in here. Fire him mastro and move all the
Obo's open chair. First of all, I love the music,
and uh, I think a music shouldn't be shared with
as a many people as possible. But but to be
honest with you, I am missing a little something. I

(33:51):
went to to high school with a girl and I
developed a crush on her and I can't get her
out of my mind. Been there? And is she coming
to the show tonight? I hope? So I sent her
a ticket to every show I do and she never
shows up. But I would love to take all of

(34:14):
you to serenade her outside of her house. Oh that
makes a lot of sense my show. Yeah, look, can
I help you? Yes? Um, this is a this is awkward,
but I have a brought looks like, huh, it's true

(34:38):
fool to be an orchestra. No, no, it's She's not
overly fool. It's it's actually just the right amount song.
And babe, there's another guy's love with you is here?
Oh my god, are you kidding me? Okay, hold on,

(34:59):
hold on, le put on my potato. All right, I'm
gonna be the other room with with Don Ron, Don
john and Don Johnson. He's not the mob, but he's
a Don Threno. Another interruption. I really should have this
meeting somewhere else. Don Johnson is getting annoyed, and Don
john obviously. Look, Don Johnson, I loved your Miami vice

(35:26):
and now you, uh, you're created knives out kind of
entering your character actor phase. Thanks. I just don't we
don't need an IMDb for Don Johnson any Thanks. I'm
just hoping I have somebody to play opposite against because
I've been doing a lot of solo improv for these
guys and somebody who gets it don't do me. I

(35:58):
hope it worked. I holp it worse than my true
What do you think? Is there another one? I guess
we could do a refuge one, two, three four in
that scene number two see three Todays from listener. Mo

(36:24):
just mo, hey everyone, anyways, the nice yeah mo is
all business. Hey everyone, anyways, here's my scene suggestion. Benjamin
Franklin tries to get finders Keepers into the Constitution, Thanks alchemists. Mo,

(36:44):
Hey everybody, Hey, let's just focus here, all right, this
is I don't want to spend the night in Philadelphia
like everybody else. All right, the ship town with the
ship people in. Let's just hammer this thing out. We've
been hammering this thing out for days days. It's down, John,

(37:08):
sit down, John, don't tell me to sit down. Thomas,
I will stand if I want to stand. We've been
hammering this out for days. Ah you just oh, Franklin,
Franklin wants to talk. Here he comes, just here, he comes. Ben? Yes, Ben, Hello,

(37:29):
okay Ben, it would help if you would. I mean,
I'm not saying anything said some light yes, yes, shed
like Ben. Okay, Wait, well we all look up to you.
We have such respect for you. Where is this document headed?
I'm looking, I'm looking, I'm looking. I feel like I

(37:52):
must invent one more thing to make it complete. Yes, yes, okay,
I think we need to sign into officiality finders keepers,
finders Keepers? What does sign? What is finders Keepers? Then
if you lost your gourd? Well the other day, I

(38:16):
was in the marsh, just experimenting, and there was a
little bit of a pantaloon, just a piece of it
was just floated on up and I picked it up
and I said, well, this is an interesting cloth, and
I'm going to look at this later. But then, hey,

(38:37):
there's my pantaloons. This is just a piece of pantaloons. Well,
let's mind. Now it's in my hands. Was missing a
little piece. I can see that, and it would easily
be sewn back on by someone with a nimble thumb
and thimberland thread. But here I am holding it in
my hands, making it mine. But Franklin, what possible reason

(39:03):
would you have to hold on to a piece of
another man's pantaloo? How did he lose that piece of
pantal It was more about feeling like it was mine
in the moments. Which marsh was it? Oh, the boggy marsh? Oh,
I know the boggy marsh. Yes, just outside the city exactly.
And that's what I like to do a lot of

(39:24):
my experimenting. But Dr Franklin, please, this this, this notion
of if something is in your hand it suddenly belongs
to you, feels fundamentally un American. That's the thing. It's
not about the hand, it's about finding it. And if
you have found it, you have the right to keep
it because that means it was lost and the person

(39:46):
who lost it, Ben, that's my wife. We do all
my wife. If you you've lost her, you didn't I
went to work. Well, listen, this is your If she's
running around looking for new fun, is that not? I
guess I have to go with Mr Frankelin and Elijah

(40:10):
I guess I have to. That happened in the marsh too,
and I didn't appreciate her attitude about it. I wanted
her to want to come with me, you know. She
is more of about obligatory. But either way, it proves
the point of finders keepers. You know, I don't want to.
I'm a medical doctor. I would just be careful with

(40:33):
all these stories you have of regaling women. You know,
just you know what I mean, what do you mean,
I'm I'm a doctor as well. Doctors? All right, we
don't need to It's not like the mafia or anything,
Ben Ben, So are you're saying from the smallest thing

(40:53):
like a piece of pen I liked what you just
said about the mafia. Let's call me Doc Ben. Anyone
who's a doctor should get the doc no doc for doctor,
doctor Doc Ben? Alright, doc five? Well look, Doc Ben.
If we enshrine this principle of finders keepers into our constitution,

(41:13):
there's has to be some principle that that adheres to
the losers in both instances. Always one example, what about
Theo's guy was more of a cry and the other

(41:38):
one was more of a weep, you know, but both
both having to do with tears and emotions, and I've
got it. Finders keepers, losers cry Thomas, as always, you're
very close. But I said, right there, you sit down, Tomas,
stop telling me what to do. I have one finders, keepers,

(42:00):
not finders, not getters. So it's very clear it's nothing
to do with the crying at all. Got it. The gentlemen, gentlemen,
these please please no, no go ahead, no go ahead,
Please sit down. Why is everyone always telling me to
sit down? Here's my finders keepers, loser, sobbers, loser, sobbers. Gentlemen.

(42:25):
It is the mere notion that if you find something
it is yours, that we should fundamentally have a problem
with the pithy saying that we attached to it should
make no influence whatsoever. I disagree. Listen, we came here, right,
we came here, and people already here. I guess what
it's ours now? Mm? Also also furthermore pithy sayings is

(42:49):
what this new country is found in on? Yeah, well,
it hasn't been founded yet, and if we don't get
asked this, it won't be founded. Where are we now
held Alphia in the summer? What? Okay? So literal, so
literal jokay, okay, you may sit down, Thomas, you understanding,
May I remind us all of a pithy I'm sitting down.

(43:13):
I'm gonna remind us all because remark you do stop
it now. I just say I told him to sit down,
and he sat down. That means he listens to me.
This pithy quip has been a cornerstone to the building
of this of this of this land nation. No uh,
no cuts, no butts, no coconuts, coconuts, no cuts, no butts,

(43:38):
no coconuts. That's true, You've done it. I mean I
can't disagree with that, and I think we should add finders, keepers, losers, weepers. No,
I think the cuts one should be in the in
the in the constitution. So yeah, the cuts one, no cuts,

(43:59):
that one one should be in the constitution. Yes, yes,
no coconuts. Ben say that again, finders keepers, losers, weepers.
M hmm, like something argue when you get to keep it?
Is it not really what this country's kind all about?

(44:20):
We found the Great State of Virginia. Elexander, did you
bring your dog to the God's sake? Go great? It
is a mad house in here. The Great State of Virginia. Virginia.
Virginia's for lovers, Virginia's for lovers. Where I am from
is built on three great principles, Gas Grass. As we

(44:44):
all know, in Virginia, no one rides for free, that's right.
So if we can get that into the constitution somehow,
let's just put all of our all of the nothing
but pithy sayings. We've got to create a document. We
are so close. We've created two branches of government we've
created uh, and I still maintain we need a third.

(45:06):
We've we've created a system for for for liberty and
a system for for trial by jury and all of
these things. But we're going to to tell this all
apart just for some some tiny pithy sayings. Is that
what's adding to it? John? John? Part of me? If
you just move your foot over, I I found the
pocket watch that well, that's my pocket watch that must

(45:31):
have fallen out. No, no, it's his now and you
have to you have to cry. It's in the constitution. Weep. Oh,

(45:51):
welcome back, Mr Jefferson. Your room is ready than you. Um.
Would you like some accompaniment tonight? Uh? Yes I would.
We're talking music, right of course, Yes, yes, of course
we have. That's our I think that's how any instrument. Actually,

(46:17):
I'm not gonna that's a lot of instruments. Yes, yes,
your choice. We have the largest accompaniment section. Okay, can
we uh get some wine up through the dumb waiter
that I invented here? Hey hey, hey hey, oh no,
I got wine for you, the one you invented. I
thought I told you fired that dumb waiter, but I

(46:41):
brought you wine. No smour please please, yeah, we'll take man, Sam,
just go outside. Okay, so we'll see this store. Yes, yes,
thank you. Okay, any instrument you'd like, we'll have it
sent up. Your wine will come through the dumb water,

(47:02):
your accompaniment will come up the stairs. I'm so excited
about this constitution that we how's it going with how's
it going in there? Good, good, good stuff being said. Yes, yes,
we're opening with no shirt, no shoes, no service. Do
you need um my, My wife has a lot of

(47:23):
good ideas. Do you want some women to combine like
chip in and women? Well? Ah, yeah, I guess it
was silly, silly. Just well, we'll send you. I'll pick

(47:44):
an instrument and send it up to you. Very good
and very good sent some red. Okay, Duc, Ben, let
me get this straight. Now. This might be a little
convolute because I'm just trying to wrap my mind around
how brilliant you are. You're saying you round electricity in
the sky and the rain was God crying. That's right,

(48:08):
that's what I yes. So I was holding a key, right,
and then light and it was raining. God was crying.
God was God was weeping, weeping. He was weeping. And
then a lightning bolt hit the key and I said, wow,
that's powerful, strong, and I felt it in my body
and I felt an electric situation at a search go

(48:33):
through me, and I thought, I can capitalize on this.
So even even even God is not exempt from from
the finders, keepers, losers, weepers. Well, listen, he lost the ball.
So it came to me. Now the electricity is mine
and he's weeping. Very well, very well. I will leave
you to bed um. Thank you, benneh. I saw you

(49:03):
with that Duc, man, you saw you with that girl
last night? Man? What's up? What's up? What's up? You do?
You You got that, didn't you? Didn't you? You got that?
Didn't you? You know? I actually didn't Ben? Throw the darts?
Please Okay, Oh my gosh, just give me a moment.
It's hard for me to multitask. Good God, you get

(49:26):
laid all the time, aren't you. Duck man? I mean
I get laid. I wouldn't say all the time. So
I was in my bed and this bozo comes in
and talk to me about finds keepers and really debate
it with me. So dumb waiter. No, gosh, it wasn't
the dumb waiter. He got fired. And be, my favorite

(49:50):
thing about you is that you sleep with all these
women because you are a playboy. And then your wife
is just home built in that house and having multiple strokes. Hell, yeah,
that's my favorite thing about each that's ours. I just
watched a documentary, Yes, Mark, Yes, did you watch that? Mark?

(50:17):
Not yet? No, I gotta look. It's two of my
favorite things. It's a show tune Smith and ken Burns
so much fun, folks. And uh, I hope you learned
a little bit about American history. And uh, let's let's
check in with our alchemists one more time. Mark Agley already.
Always nice to have somebody who actually knows American history here.

(50:38):
I'm a big fan. And uh and I it's you
are all such a delight and I I thank you
for letting me sit at the cool kids table and play.
So thank you. And Mark Agliarity, of course, the original
drunk history storyteller from the very first drunk History episode
that was that was online that you did. Uh uh
Hamilton's bird Duel was the story right, It's still available online. Yeah. Uh.

(51:03):
And then and then it began a juggernaut that you
you spent a hell of a lot more time with
than I did, but you were you were always our
favorite drunk storyteller. And uh it. Mark always would lie
down on the floor, that's his go to I get drunk.
I would always wind up on the floor. Uh. Chris Albarado,

(51:26):
what do you know about American history? Um? Not much,
not much. Were like I just said, Um, I watched
that Ben Franklin documentary, really enjoyed it. I think I
said this tell you guys in in private maybe, but
you know I did submit my own my own self
produced drunk history tape once. Um this is true. My yeah. Mark,

(51:49):
what my manager was like A I was like, oh,
I can get it to their table, like I can
get it to the to the desk, Like go ahead,
and just make one yourself. So I did one. I
got really hammered by myself. What a friend? Who issue?
What you mean? I told a story about Bob Dylan
or something like that. So An, it's very very similar
mark you and a very very similar beginnings. Craig, wonderful

(52:11):
job hosting. I love you so much. Amen, this this
was a blast, Jackie Gonzalez do Ruthy, what what story
would you tell on drunk History if it came back
from cancelation? You know, I do? I am. History is
a very bad subject for me. It's not my strong
suit at all. Um. Dates are really bad for me.

(52:31):
Numbers are really bad. So um, what story I remember?
You know what? You you look it up first. It's
not something that you innately know. And are you telling
them how it works? You know you you look it
up either your research. I would, I would, Um, I

(52:53):
would tell the story of the challenger exploding. And I
don't know why that is, like what came to my mind.
That's what came to my mind. And I'm really sorry
to everyone and myself that that's my mind. It would
be a hilarious episode. Sure you do. You do get
a researcher who can give you information as well, so

(53:15):
of like and you're you're allowed to to do your
own research. That's well history that that phrase, that phrase
has become bloated a tool thing. What what what's your
best subject? Uh? Math? I love math. We Yeah, I
was always ahead in the math class. Is always trying
to take the higher math and every level of my

(53:37):
growing up education experience. So but I like I like
them all. I did research for like a nonprofit organization,
So whenever I hear do your own research, I'm like, no, no,
you don't know how to do it. It's a lot
of f and work to do proper research and turn
into report. Uh yeah. In Texas history, like u S history,

(53:57):
we got we had Texas history start in the sixth grade,
I think through the rest of us. Yeah, whoa, yeah,
there's a lot of it. Texas Rangers. Maybe I would
probably not love the more revisionist take that we had
on drunk history on the Alamo. Uh. That that's a loaded,
loaded story for for Texas. I think all the missions

(54:19):
in their history is gonna slowly turn or not totally turned,
but it's going to be seen from the other side
of it. And that's yeah, that's a fair Point. Thank you, Alchemist.
Then thank you to our engineering producer Doug Babe and
all the fine folks at I heart Media dot com.
Please write to us at UPO me this email at
gmail dot com until next time