December 19, 2019 • 54 mins
Inmates Plan Escape; A Blank, A Blank And A Blank Walk Into A Bar; Teens Make Prank Calls.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This it's a
me Cool Stratton momentarily doing a crap super Mario impression,
or Mario if you're from the East Coast. Kevin is
stuck reading every volume of Garfield, so we'll sold your
oud without him. Let's meet our alchemists, shall we? In
no particular orders. Say hello to that guy who takes
out a guitar at every party even though no one
wants him to. Joey Greer, Joey, what bullshit song will
(00:24):
you play as everyone else tries to socialize? It's actually
an original. It's called Streamline, but it's off of Wonderland
from Oasis, so it's their melody, their lyrics, but it's
my song. I'd asked to hear some, but I don't
want to. Next up, he left his Carney life to
pursue improvised podcasting. Craig Kakowski. Craig, what do you miss
most about the Big Top? Well? I miss uh miss
(00:48):
having all my fingers, that's fair. Did you lose them
in podcasting? Yeah? Yeah, I had them all when I
left the Carnal and then Paul taking two of my thumbs,
all of them. He's the only one that EMC Hammer
would allow to touch this. Chris Alvarado, Chris, have you
(01:11):
ever owned parachute pants? And why aren't you wearing some
right now? I have? They're not in fashion currently. That
all makes sense. And finally, this guy knows a thing
or two about soup. James he need he need? Do
you go New England or Manhattan? When faced with the
chowder choice, Oh my god, obviously it's the New England.
I want the cream based thing. I like potato soup,
(01:32):
I like leak soup. I like clam chowder with a
cream based I kind of figured I was hitting the
nail on the head there with the yeah, I mean,
who wants clam chowder with ketchup? That's the opposite, That's
the other option. How many oyster crackers enough to make
a thick like a stew or think like a like
(01:54):
a lot a porch? Yeah, that's actually that is the
exact consistency I'm looking for. I got to do. You know,
true soupconnoissers don't ever use always to correct that. Really, ship,
Before we get started with their first scene, we'd like
to invite you to become a v I P member
to our new Patreon page. Bonus episodes not available to
(02:17):
non members. There's a phone number just for v i
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slash alchemy this. That's Patreon dot com slash alchemy this.
(02:38):
All today's scene suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails.
If you'd like to submit yours, please write to the
podcast at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at alchemy this dot com. You
can always ond one email you know what to do
in stereo see number one. Hey Alchemists, my name is
Chris McCollum and I'm from Detroit, Michigan. Hey, shout out
(02:58):
to Michigan and Alchemists. There you go. Found the show.
During a commercial break from How Stuff Works, I show
all my friends the show, specifically the crime scene at
Turla's Diner. My scene suggestion a group of inmates are
going to attempt to break out of prison. Maybe a
guard is in on it. Maybe they share what landed
them in the big house. Do what you want. I'm
sure it'll be comedy regardless. Thanks Alchemists. Christ McColl um, James,
(03:20):
he needs number one fan. Damn, Chris, Damn. I don't.
I don't. I think I'm out. I think I'm out.
It feels weird. That doesn't feel right as a vibe
in the What the hell am I gonna do with
this hole? We dog? Well, you guys can go. I
think I'm just gonna hang back. You're hanging back. You're
gonna snitch on a goddamn snitch and we cut his
(03:44):
tongue out. If all right, okay, wait, hold on, hold on,
you guys, just go and ow I can maybe throw
them off your scent. This is a four man plan.
You're out. We're gonna have to make it a three
man plan. I don't like change in plan. I know
you don't. I just honestly, I'll be honest. I don't
like you as people give a funk. We're trying to
(04:06):
get the funk out of this isn't the friends, but
part of the plan is going out to that cabin
out in the woods and laying low for a while,
and frankly, the conversation will be boring. Look, we're only
gonna we're gonna spend two weeks, maybe three weeks stops.
Conversation is boring? What are you talking about? I just mean, like,
we get it. You know a lot about like the
Almanac and stuff. So what so you think that's born?
Information is born? That information? It's all information. He knows
(04:29):
so much about the alman it's insane. I know where
it was printed, how it was printed, who printed it? Now?
And now so do why? Yeah? Great, and you're for it.
I mean that may be the case. But two to
three weeks Okay, then you start a conversation. All right,
no problem, okay, Um, it's hard this way. Wow, it's
hard this way. You know I watched this what what
(04:50):
pages the world series winners on to it? Oh Man?
Right there? That really gets you. He knows so much
about the Almanac. I know where it was printed, how
it was who. I'm just saying, like our crimes that
got us here to begin with, like kind of separate us.
You three are violent criminals, allegedly, as you always say
(05:11):
that because I instant prepare for self check, shelf checks
all the way. I can see it. You can see
it here, he comes here, comes, he comes here, right,
that convicts against the wall. Hands up there. It's just
four guys in one self. We know the trail. Four
(05:31):
guys in one just hanging out here. We got space limitation,
budget cutbacks. It's not my fault. Don't don't get me
like that guy. All right, let's see if you got
any contrabanding here as your wife doing mull rather well,
thanks for good covered from that fall. Okay, that's good. Yeah,
(05:51):
because that's because you can get U an infection, you know,
like lying in bed for that long. That's right. That's right,
she's up. We're doing some general re ham on her knees.
So it's good. Thanks for asking. McClusky. Just a hypothetical,
as you're searching us and touching us and I'll cough
there for you, like what like, like, what's the protocol
(06:15):
if like I don't know, like watch yourself, you know,
like what like would you want the protocol making friends? Yeah,
what's the protocol of making friends? From making friends? You know,
there's no protocol from making friends. There's protocol from making enemies.
Around here, you know that. I guess what I'm saying.
(06:36):
You're you're friendly. I mean, frankly, you feel like you're
one of us. I mean, you treat us with respects
and we appreciate that, right right, right right. And when
I hear that your your wife taking a fall and
recovering it warmps my heart. My wife never recovered from
her fault. Yeah, big infection, big infection. But you murdered
your wife. No, I didn't know. I didn't allegedly allegedly.
(06:59):
I guess what I'm asking is, mclusky, are you fulfilled
with this job? Huh? You know I never really thought
about that, you know, I do. I come down here,
I try to do the best to try to make
this a nice environment for all of us, you know,
because why I make it unpleasant? No? Right, no, no,
you know, but you know what I think about it,
And I had aspirations for other things before I got
into realization. Come on, go on, Well, you know I
(07:24):
was writing this one man show. I want to take
the Broadway. You know. You know what I bet would
help with the writing process is some seclusion, you know,
being away from it all and doing you mean me
and like work out the kinks. Of it and solitary. Yeah,
well yeah something or or or just you know, not
without the clutter of like you know, your her wife
(07:44):
and stuff. I'm sure that's taken away from the creative process.
I'm gonna say it, guys, what what we're getting out
of here? To what? We can trust him? We can
rust him. He's a good guy. You're a good guy.
Come with us? When you say getting out of here?
(08:06):
What's what do you? What are you? What are you doing? What?
We're going to spend two weeks maybe three weeks tops?
You know that cabin is just outside of the prison yard.
We all see it. It's clear to see that. You
can see it right there right there. Yeah, yeah, I
see the cab We know the cabins. You guys, listen,
it's nice, it's furnished. Jones has a rope up his
(08:27):
butt right now. He's a good guy. Wow, this is
a This just got a lot of girth to it.
How did you get it out there? Yeah? Okay, okay,
then look what what what? What I'm trying to ask
you personally is will you come with us? Because I
(08:48):
don't want to go with just these guys. I'm the
wading on the water on the water on the A
lot of these a lot of these press sners don't
really like you. They don't want to like them. I'm
the war I know, but you are. Do something. Let's
get cookies and milk to all the inmates and then
(09:09):
take them away right before they eat and drinking. Hear antagonized.
Think the prisoners, warden, what are they gonna do there
in cages? On the warden listening? They're still human being
some of these people you work for me? Of course,
then you need to shut the funk up? Okay, Okay,
number two, no shoes on the carpet. How many times?
I mean, warden, you have a ten am inspection of
(09:31):
the cells to um inspection? Okay, do you have to
sing everything? Let's let's push it. Huh, let's push it. Okay,
you really have to do the inspection of the cells?
Do I at some point to a cell right now?
It's getting a little out of hand. What if there's
a fire? It's look, the one is gonna be handy minute.
(09:55):
And I don't like that guy either, just because he
played Tony one time in West Side legendation. I've never
seen the tape. I I mean, you've seen a playbill
for it, but he talks about it all the time,
and he said, you know, you should have gone the
Broadway McCloskey. But no, no, you're just the help. He
calls me the help. One man show. Characters are autobiographical.
(10:16):
It's both things, with all the different characters from my life.
But it's a two of the force. It is the force.
I believe it. I believe it. What do you say?
I don't know. I feel like just to stick one
over on him. I kind of want to help you
guys get out of here. What's the name of the
guy who was in um? He was in What the
(10:37):
Boy Here? Bill something or something? He was in the Goddamnit.
He did the William Shakespeare, Bill Irwin, Bill, Bill Clinton.
He held the Oscars like a whole bunch of times,
Billy Crystal. He did a woman's show. He didn't want to.
Did you see it? Yeah? Yeah, seven hundred Sundays about Baseball? No, No,
(10:57):
not that one, not that one, not that one. There
wasn't one. Weird and black face right, No, that was
a mistaken I really think you need to take this
a little more seriously. Must do you work for me?
Then you need to understand that i'd take things seriously
from the top one two three. If you know that,
you let me saying first, what Warden, the guards are
(11:18):
complaining that that you're you're not paying them over time
and you're making them work uh a hundred hours a week.
They stepped it up, they'd get a position on the cast.
Ever since Jeffrey EPs didn't, we've been having a lot
of eyes on us, okay, and you need to take
this seriously because people are getting in trouble. Warden, Snap,
(11:38):
Jeffrey Epstein killed himself. Listen, you know that true. You
know that that's not true. I know that I know
that we did it. If you don't want to come
with us, at least don't tell on us. Jesus man,
do you think that I hate the thing? I can
(11:59):
just leave so I can meet you guys bad. But
the main thing is that I should find a way
to do diversion to cover for you. Maybe I can
get the ward down here and make him watch my
woman show. But I don't know. I don't want you
to be with us. I think I'm out. What do
you mean, hotel, I'll just tell the word, Oh my god,
cut cut his tongue. Alright, don't okay, Jeff would have
(12:21):
been in Jeff, Jeff, Jeff be it Jeff. Alright, alright, alright,
you're right. I'll do it for Jelly Crystal. Do we
say that already? Yes? Alright, alright, tell you what you guys,
sneak out your tunnel here. He's gonna come down to
this sell momentarily, and I will be here and I
will keep him busy. All right, break legs, Oh, thank you,
(12:42):
break legs. Everyone. Al Right, So this is the first sell.
That's the second. So that's the third sell. And that
took a little more than that. Why do I have
to do this? I know what it looks like. I've
seen pictures of cells. It's maintaining like if you don't look,
then then they will think that no one's going to
look in the just it keeps everybody honest. If you
look at everybody, just to look at everyone. That's the
(13:04):
only way to check this off. I have to look
at everyone's self, everyone more honest. And now we're in
cell block. This is officer charge of this. I know. Hello,
hello the gentlemen. I think we're just talking about my
Broadway show. Do you remember that it's a really good
show that you had me printing you. Thank you. Look
(13:26):
at this, officer, McClusky, a playbill of my Broadway show.
That's terrific. Why don't you look at the playbill I
coved into the wall over here on my solo show
that I'm about to show you select scenes. Oh my god,
and actually unfolded. Oh my god, this is detailed. Well
let's see mcsky. Here we go. Turn off your cell phones.
(13:47):
Please don't have the going off during the production signal
in here anyway before were going on the whole the tunnel.
I mean, what do you mean that we're already down,
locked down here. I want to watch this now here.
We should support mcclutsky, will support him by doing the
damn thing because he's doing this person seats. You know
that it's a diversion. He's got guys have to watch
(14:09):
him in a cell. It's fine, okay, that's forced audience
for Christles. I just I wish him the best of lucky.
Great to me to come on. Let's just like the
warden's a tough laugh. Sometimes you gotta get the last
you come on. Stupid idiots, do not go up there
and watch it. We're in the hole, we're escaping. What
is the name of that movie that um avatar? No no, no,
(14:33):
no no, it's with no no, no, no words. Yonkers
nineteen sixty three. Boy, oh boy, I should love to
play t ball with all my friends. Stickballs. We called
it out there. Okay, pitch it in, Willie, pitch it in.
I would shout and Willie would stand me. Doubt he's
(14:55):
toss in that ball. It's a whole run over the
sub way. Oh man. But my father, he was hod,
he was hard. I don't lock everything you up to McCluskey.
He called me McCluskey, even though we all had the
last name McCluskey. I mean, what is that can get
a popcorn and the cook? Yeah, I had to leave
it in the first act. That just wasn't hitting, you know,
(15:17):
just wasn't hitting. We we just have prison food here. Yeah, well,
let me get some popcorn. Make it just theaters changed,
you know what I mean. I'll go back for the
second act. It's gonna be intermission. I'll just kind of
mingling with everybody. I don't even know. I left the
scorns unpopped. Well then pop it. It came from a cant.
I don't think you can put him in solitary, but
(15:37):
he's not a prisoner. Will give a damn all right,
Oh my god. You know, McCluskey going out there doing
a one man show just pisces me off. You know,
it's like I'm the warden. I was on Broadway. That
was a great first act, great first act. The house
is really loving it. Um, you might have noticed there
was an empty seat the warden. He had to use
the restaurant three minutes, Thank you three he had to
(16:00):
use the in the middle of my show. Well, it's
probably an emergency. But but he's coming back, so bringing home.
Oh I sure will, Okay, goddamn right, I will. I
don't want to sund And then why don't we have
an open bar. Why is that not a thing? Well,
because the prisoners are not supposed to be drinking, sir,
Oh but I can't have a drink. You can have
a drink in your office. Then let's have an open
(16:22):
more down here for cuts. Then get some LCO. Here's
thirty dollars, go get some alcohol. Come back. I mean
the prisoners have probably made some moonshine or something. Well,
then get that. I don't pay them thirty dollars. Why
do I have to think of everything? I wouldn't drink it, sir,
Oh why not? Do you think I'm a little bit boy? Drink?
Flashing lights, flashing lights, flashing lights flashing. It looks like
second act starting flashing. I'll take my seat, and it
(16:44):
looks like to drink. It was that night that my
father was killed by Mickey Mantle. Bullshit, I'm sorry, bullshit,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Oh wait, what you heck on
my show one really Want? I don't know? Said that? Yeah,
you said it, and I'm gonna say this. You would
make a lousy Tony. Oh come on, you would make
(17:05):
a terrible Tony. I was Tony. You would not Tony.
I was right. We have this play bill that shows
that you clearly no. Look, you crossed out your role
of baby John, and you wrote in Tony the same thing.
Baby John grows up to Tony. He does not. He's
told he's Freddy. It's like four lines. Baby John's one
of the lesser jets. Thank you, thank you, yes, yes,
(17:27):
Now listen. If you think that you I'm not supporting you.
What has happened to mutiny? What is happening. That's right,
it makes rise up set. You are a jet all
the way from your first I don't know the worst.
Hold on, he didn't play Tony, he didn't play Tony.
(17:48):
Wait wait, twite twaite on the war Marian, Maria, Maria,
that's Mario the West Side story. Wow, this cabin is nice.
I hope McCluskey is doing okay, All right, let's let's
hear it. Let's start a conversation. Well only just got here.
(18:09):
I know, I know that we got time start a conversation.
Did you know that the that the Almanac chapter and
that's our first say C number two. Hello, alchemists. My
name is Joseph. I'm a recently transplant to the DC area,
(18:30):
and I'm working as an intern among thousands of other insurns.
My name, Your name is Joey. Were really really taking aback?
I find myself audibly laughing on the busy subway as
I spent my time between stops listening to the alchemy
that is this. But I digress. My suggestion to you
is to create a scenario based on the old joke blank,
(18:50):
a blank and a blank walk into a bar. I'm
just curious to see what you all come up with,
and with hope I will one day find myself in
a city where you all will be performing, so I
can join my laughter on others. Keep up the accident work.
Joseph the same name as Joey. There you get another beer? Yes? Father,
what would you like to drink? Just another beer? Um? Man,
come on, okay, father, don't call me that right now?
(19:13):
Just just call me then. Just take your the collar
off because it's uh. I can't. I'm very deeply religious
and with that collar, I want to call you father.
Oh my god. And here's a PBR PBO whatever said?
Any beer? Good? Are you okay? You need somebody to
talk to? That's funny. It's just that I've talk to you.
(19:38):
Don't you want to do a confession? No, I'm asking
you if you want to do a confession. I'm so sorry.
Confession Does that sound better? It does sound better. Quack
quack quack quick, look at that duck hanging a beer? Please? Sure?
What would you like? I'll have what he's having? Quack quack.
(19:59):
There you go. Um, if you want, we can wait
for the duck to leave so we have privacy. I'm
not asking you to share your problems with the whole bar.
I don't want to. I never I never offered to
do that. You know what the problem with women is?
I sure do. Why don't you tell me? They don't
get us? Am I right? They don't get I'm selling, man,
I'm selling. Yeah. Yeah, that was a tight one by
(20:24):
a long face, my friend. Fuck you, fuck you man.
I'm sorry. I get that every place. I WoT. I'm sorry.
What can I get you to give me a schlitz
and some oats? Okay, Luke, I'm so sorry to do this,
but we're gonna have to shut your bar down. What well,
there's animals shooting and pissing all over the place, not
(20:45):
just a health hazer. We can't have them to say
it's a bar. What's the difference the other day? I
I was, I was a secret shopper. I was in
that corner booth. I remember you, well, I guess I
wasn't a secret shopper that I didn't know you were
a secret shopper. I just remember you being there. Look,
I was at your bar and a priest, a duck
and a horse walked into your bar. And do you
(21:05):
know what happened next? I mean, I was there. See.
The problem is is that they say they understand quack quack,
but they don't don't not at all. You're right, You're right, friend, right? Father?
I mean, I'm settlement. I'm selivan. So I don't. You
don't talk to women. I talked to women. But I mean,
what you're just discussing here, it just seems to be
a personal issue. So what's your issue? My issue? What more?
(21:26):
My issue is everyone comes to me looking for their
goddamn help, and I'm just another human being. And guess what,
I guess what. I don't have all the goddamn answers.
I don't have all the answers. Is there a heaven?
I don't know? Is there a hell? Probably? Listen? Listen, listen, listen, listen.
My institution is sucked up. Okay, I rolled the dice
on this thing I thought was gonna work out for me.
I was wrong. Who's wrong? People are flawed. People are flawed.
(21:49):
People can fix it. People can fix it problem. And
we get this man's father, and we got to make
sure that one by what you to have another beer?
Or should I just get you your bill? Fuck you? Oh?
So that? I mean that was the problem. It was
(22:10):
just low steaks humor. Well, I was high stakes characters.
I don't think you understand this. As a bartender, I'm
just trying to take everybody's bad day and make it
go away. That that's fine, that's fine, But understand there's
feces and urine. Yeah there was is. I mean, it's
only I've cleaned it and it has come back again.
(22:32):
Those are regulars regardless. That's like what would be if
there was another, I mean another it comes in. You
have to get some music going in the bar to
ever since that ten inch pianist quit listen, It's the
thing is that sometimes the music's in the way the conversation.
If they want to go clubbing, they can go clubbing,
but our bar is known for good conversations. What a
(22:53):
draw a ten inch pianist? I mean, how many other
musicians are that tiny quack? Father? Um, this woman is
making eyes at you, just saying okay, well well great.
I mean it seems like you're throwing it all the way.
So you know, I could introduce you. She's she's nice.
I'm sure she's fine. It's the duck and the horse
(23:15):
that hate women. I I don't I know you you
say that you're you never women. The whole conversation, the
whole conversation was about how you were just disenfranchised with
the other gender because they rejected you because you're not
their space sheets. Man. You understand that they're not. You're
not there. Funny, all right, I won't introduce you to
you've made it pretty clear you don't like women. You
(23:38):
know what the I'm totally I love people in a
bar brandishing a firearm, and what's wrong with that I've
made I've taken a lot of liberties and quack, Oh
my god, oh my god, it's just a duck, and fine,
just shut up, holy shit, let's eat it. But we're
(23:59):
gonna have to right father now, we're never going to
talk about this again. And you're gonna eat some d
that whole time I was in that corner booth. You
killed a duck and ate it. It does a lot
of people. That's a normal thing. I'm sorry, Luke, I'm sorry.
We're gonna have to revoke your bar stack. No. You
(24:21):
know how hard it is to get a license. We
know where the city board. Look. I'm sorry, Luke, who's wrong?
I cook it, but I don't know what's wrong. I
just want any of the outs anymore. You keep I
(24:42):
had some beech jerkey out there, and he ate some
of that. I don't know what's happening. What's wrong with
that horse? I don't know. I think it might be carniferous.
Now look, well, why don't you ask him? He is
a talking horse of broke that kind of subjects with him. Look,
this is, this is I don't know what's going on.
A lot of the ducks, A lot of the bunnies
have a miss and on the farm. They usually go
into his barn and they talk it up and it
(25:02):
seems very comfortable. And but that just I've been finding
bones and tufts of the hair in his stall. Think
horses gun carnivorous, That's what I'm saying. Look, we got
a lot of talking animals, that's Jim, I know that,
But this one's scaring me. Every time I walk by,
he licks his chops and understand that we don't walk by.
How I have to do use the restroom? You wanted
(25:25):
that guy to him out house. He's got a big
race this weekend. Hey can I borrow on an MP
three player? Yeah? Sure, here you going? Thank you, Jim.
I'm just I'm just nervous. Maybe maybe getting this talking
farm with's a bad idea. You get, you gotta get
an iPod two rather than just a generic imp the
same thing they all upload. It's the same, the designers
(25:47):
superior and the Oh it's not it's not at all.
Horse he gonna eat you, Horse, he gonna eat Okay,
what the hell? What the hell the piggy said this?
The god damn bath what the hell you? I'm gonna
go market. You need anything? Uh no, no, no thanks.
(26:11):
Do you think these animals are gonna rebel against us? No, Jim, goddamn,
I don't know. Oh, that'll be a thirteen fifty. That's
a lot of bacon cash, man, I know I'll got
hold on me go my Fennie Packham. Can you not
reach it? Or little you get you over it for me? Yeah?
(26:36):
Oh come on, man, you got just like loose condoms
in there with that funk. I'm not gonna dig around
and get my funk on. Come on, miss sick, you're
such a fucking pigment. Get my fun No, no, no, no, no, no, okay.
I don't know what this has to do with your case,
but well it's pretty important. Because the thing is is
(26:59):
I was set up that that horse is basically dynamic, demonic, dynamic.
You know, I'm just saying that it was a little
out of my control. I think that it was him
that made me like, we're shutting down your bar. A
lot of people love this place. It's coming to me
for a dynamic possession. Yeah, this is the right place,
(27:22):
father Patrick. Guess Okay, so could you please possess me dynamically?
What could you possess you? Yes? You want me a priest.
I want the powers to come along with being a dynamic.
So you want a dynamic spirit to come into you. Well,
(27:43):
if I could get the powers without that, sure, but
I think that I'm a priest. Yeah, I expel dynamic possessions. Yeah,
I'm not gonna throw up. I expel those spirits. Sure obviously,
if you can do that, then the opposite would be
just as easy. And so do I You just bend over?
What do I do? Yeah? Bendor? Okay, Okay, how do
(28:09):
you feel? I feel awkward? I feel like I should
have just let you tell me what else you want
to do. I just want the powers. I just want powers,
because how about you want parts? I'm open the closet
one of my friends. You know what, Actually, I'll just
let's just stand back the closet. Listen. So how did
(28:30):
you get in here? Again? Malpractice? It was not practice
malpractice for a priest. It was an adult I'll say that,
al I hooked up with a guy and adult guys contentially,
and uh, and then it kind of blew up my face.
Well we're busting out of here if you're in Yeah,
I am totally. I really like this. I'm totally used
(28:54):
to patterns and rhythms of life, you know, so I
like this. I don't like to you like being here
in prison? Like like being in prison. I like being
in prison. I don't. I don't believe in an afterlife.
Kind of resigned those kind of beliefs. So what does you?
And Epstein have been talking a lot in the prison yard. Yeah,
he's uh, he's a really fucked up guy. He's a
really scary fucked up guy. Father. Is this your almanac? Uh?
(29:17):
That is uh? That is mine? Yea, what's what? What
is up? My man? I just just wanted to thumb
through and look for some world facts and stuff. Yeah, actually,
you know I got it from that guy over there.
Uh and uh, so do not say that I snagged it,
but Epstein wanted to kind of go through. I don't
know why I'm hanging out with him. I gotta be honest.
Hey man, it's me Jeff, Look at me. There you go.
(29:40):
I've been thinking a lot. Man. You and I are
a lot of like you know, we both go, we
both follow a certain god. Should we be going back
to ourselves? Or hey? Look at me, Look at Tonight's
gonna be a big night for me. It's great, nice,
gonna be a big You used to be a priest,
right you know I used to be, so I can
confess you right, well, I'm not anymore. So it's kind
(30:02):
of just you talked to the person. I don't have
any superpowers anymore. Hey do you like me? Huh too?
Are we friends? I feel like you get me. Uh
whatever happens to me tonight, I just know I told
you so. Okay, uh okay. I just one last thing.
He's a here's a jello cup. I oh that's for you, man.
(30:25):
I give gifts to my friends school. Looks like there's
a syringe Pierson on the top. But I you know what,
I'm gonna give this back as I'll hold it. I'll
hold it. Uh uh okay, okay, I'll help you find peace. Okay, okay,
ilp you find holy shit, Holy sh it. Hey guys, guys, guys,
what's up? What I was? I was just an Epstein's
(30:47):
cell and first off, creepy vibes. I've done a lot
of dynamic possessions and like all that stuff. And he
this guy is creepy all right, and uh and and
and I don't know who. I'm not his friend. I
don't who spreading those rumors, all right, Like I'm just
not I'm just not his friend. Okay, but gave me
this jello cup and uh, I don't know if you
guys want to eat it or something that, but I'm
(31:08):
not gonna eat I mean either, I mean neither. Anyway,
what are y'all doing? I just gotta get a palate cleanser.
So what what is up? Oh? I have to come
in the wrong place. You're a horse? Yeah? I want
on to tear eat a lot of people and all
the people ship. Then I got fun this pig who's
(31:30):
getting this funk on? What? And then all I know
is these ages grab me up and I'm here. They
didn't shoot you. No, it's wild. What did you do again?
Ate a bunch of alleged Thanks for coming to this
open mic everybody. Um, so I'm gonna work on some
(31:51):
jokes I have here, all right, so uh yeah that's fair. Um.
So a priest, a duck, and a horse walk into
a bar. Okay. The priests like, it's like, well, I mean,
it's just suspend disbelief. And you know, the priest is
like shitty, you know what I mean? For we don't
we don't, we don't know exactly why. And then tell me, man,
tell and the duck is got you know, he's got
(32:15):
problems with women. But it's like, well, he's a duck,
you know what I mean. And then there be a rabbi. Yeah,
well this is an open mic, so I will write
that down. Maybe the bartenders jewish? Oh okay, okay, yeah, okay,
can I say Jewish stuff if I'm not Jewish? What? Okay?
This is going well? Um cool? I got the light. Um,
(32:36):
thank you for helping me workshop this piece. All right. Hey,
let's give it up for Hector. I did a good job.
Thank you, all right. Next time I was thinking like, hey,
get off man, you had your time. Yeah, okay, all right,
ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being here. I have
my talking dog here, and my talking dog will now
(32:57):
perform for you. What's on top of the house roof? Uh? What? Uh?
What goes on a tree? Roof? Park? Idiot? Who was
the greatest baseball player of all time? What? Mickey Mantle?
You piece of ship? Mickey Mantle is a murderer? Mickey
(33:21):
man kill McClusky. Who is this guy? Get him up?
Stair him off here? Man? You idiot? Hey, guys, I
don't know what the funk that was, but a good
luck coming to my open mic ever again? Look yeah, look,
I gotta keep this running. Pig your up. Hey, man
(33:43):
and women are different. That's true. That's true. Then then
be like as my real control. Yeah, that's true. He's
leaving a trail of condoms women be like shopping? I
get that. Well, what else is going on? You can't
(34:05):
turn that book? Somebody half them turning? Will here? Scene three, Hi, alchemists,
my scene suggestion. A group of Saturday nineteens makes some
(34:27):
prank phone calls. Please keep doing what you're doing. You
bring a lot of laughter to my life and many
many others. All the best. Charlie from Minneapolis. PS James,
please sign my flesh light. Okay, Well, first of all,
I don't offer that that service anymore. Please stop sending
them to my house. I keep them from myself afterwards.
Oh god, they're not dirty. They're used, are you? I'm
(34:51):
not sure. Don't send them to me anymore? To send them?
Send them? Who's on the phone? Who is this? Answer me?
It's your dad. My dad was dead forty years ago.
That was great. That man good good burned him in.
(35:12):
Do you want anything? Yeah, all right, I'll bring him down.
Oh my god, it was so good. You know what
we should do? What you should call the government? Oh
my god, call the government? Hello government? Um? Hey, um?
(35:33):
What's going on with the impeachment? Hearing bloody west? Um.
There's a lot of ups and downs right now. I
can't really figure what does the pizza taste? Good? So good? Rick?
Who's on the phone? Just some more people asking about
(35:53):
the impeachment. That's not their business, that's classified. Well, they
knew the direct line, so I assumed they knew the
direct line. Anybody wants this number, can a bit. We
should go out there. What is going on? Some people
are getting the classified information and they're calling direct I
think that's run information about what about impeachment hearing these
public hearings, Well, those are classified. We can't let anyone know.
(36:14):
We can't let anyone know. We tell the public what
we hear, and they hear that, but that's classified information.
Now we gotta do everything we can to clamp this
up because it's a class of I say, we go
out in the truck. The truck it is take the
truck out there. It's big business if we take the truck. Yeah,
So before we do that, let's just all uh, let's
go around and just say how our day was well. Uh.
(36:38):
Linda told me that she wants to bring a third
person into the bedroom. And she says it's a watch
or like make sure everything safe. What I mean to
join in on our sex? But she's saying it's joined in.
What I mean, like move leg. I think he's talking
about threesome. But it doesn't feel like it's for me.
It feels like it's more for her. Is it another person? Yeah?
(37:02):
The persons kind of genital ring ring. Hold on, Hello, Hello,
I'm having trouble watching the impeachment hearings again. The government. Right,
those are classified. They should you should not be turning
them on. Do not turn on the radio, and do
not turn on television to I think I have suspend
(37:24):
on suspends should not be playing this. Uh, this is
just turn it off. Trying to playing reruns right now. Cheez,
they're playing the water games. They're playing the water game hearings. Well,
those are unclassified, so you can continue watching that stuff. Okay,
good for you. And Mr Nixon did funnel money from
(37:45):
the Republican National Committee to his own re election campaign,
so that that's that's what happened. I want to thank
you very much for being a great American. Thank you,
and for for testifying today. Thank you. And now I
turn it over to my esteemed colleague from across the aisle. Hey, uh,
(38:09):
sounds good to me. Did you just wake up? Sounds
good to me? So I guess America one tonight, America
wins forever. This is your time, Senator, and we are out.
That felt good, everybody, really good work. Everybody should Why
are you asking me to that felt good? Okay, that
felt good? Huh what do you say? Kids? Here's some
hot dogs wrapped up in bagel bites? Why did you
(38:32):
combine two foods. Mom, I wanted to do something exciting
for Saturday night, Sarah, Sarah, Connie, I'll be upstairs to second.
What the hell is this bagel bites and hot dogs?
It's little tiny hot dogs are poisoning the kids healthy,
healthy diet. Bagels are healthy. Bagels. Hot dogs are naughty? Wow? Hello, Hey,
(38:58):
this is the government you called earlier. Yeah, how's the
Peach days? Listen? Can I hang out with you guys today? Um,
I'm going through some issues over here at the like
and you know this number, so I imagine you are
up there. Do you like bagel bites wrapped hot dogs
(39:20):
wrapped in bagel bites? What is going on? Two different foods?
I know, it's just that's what we have. Yeah, it'll
do which. I have your address here, alright, one to
five sex Clancy Avenue. I'll be there a little bit, thanks, guys. Okay, Sarah, look,
I I gotta take some time away from my so okay,
come on please. These are just basically saucy picks and
a blanket. It's it's it's like I get it's but
that's a croissant cover. Look, please to don't leave me
(39:43):
with these kids. I care about you, and I love
you as a friend. Number one, I always love you
as a friend. We're married the father, and I think
being friends with who you're married with is a really
big deal. It is is Look, I'll bring these carrots
down stairs. Here, these these your fresh, already peeled cut carrots. Off.
I love what you're doing. I love the effort you're
putting in now, but I gotta take some time for me,
(40:06):
and that time might be a couple of decades. What
at that time also might be a new family. Here's
a new family. Yeah, so I I love you as
a friend. You're a good friend of me. Hold on,
what if I said that we could have that new
family with our family? Would all be a bigger, happier
fair Sarah, I wish that was a case with I'm sorry, mom?
Why why are you sobbing? I'm not sobbing. I've got
(40:28):
a bad cold and it's okay. Dad kind of sucks.
We all know it. Really. Yeah, so I'm the cool mom. Yeah,
you're cool. You have met new foods that we don't need.
Thank you. Well, you're dad left. This is the best
house to visit. Yeah, well, you're pretty much part of
this family. Okay, thank you. You'll meet somebody else. I mean,
(40:48):
the government's coming soon. So your government is coming over. Sorry,
I should have checked to you first, but you're in
the middle of getting broken up with you can't have
a government here. Hey, Jude, you sorry to call you
so late. Yeah, that's it's wondering if maybe you could
sign a warrant for me. Sure, whatever you want, warrant
for friendship. I don't need to know what it is.
I appreciate it. Thanks so much. So how do you
(41:09):
why do we do this? You like like I just
got a standard warrant for him. Okay, I'll leave it.
I'll put my signature and you can. I'll just leave it. Blake,
you can fill in there. Hey, Judge, what are we
doing tonight? You know what? Whatever you want? Whatever I want?
Huh yeah, how aboudy bend over? Okay, all right, judge
(41:32):
my sentences. Whatever I want. Okay, I want to make
it realistic. Okay, uh freeway trash pick up for six
months sold? Sweet? I killed four guys. Hell open up.
My name is Jim. I'm with the government. My kids
(41:53):
told me you were coming. Here's my warrant. Oh, I
can enter the premises. Now where are these kids, friendship? Well,
they're in the basement. You're beautiful, not gonna what you are? Beautiful. No,
I'm a government man, so I can only tell the
what I have to say, the truth. You have to
say the truth. You don't just have to say nice things.
Oh no, no, no no. As a matter of fact,
a lot of my job is saying bad things. All right,
(42:14):
the boys are in the basement, and you know what,
I'm going to cook up a healthy snack like carrots
and celery. No thanks, Do you have anything odd? And
shouldn't maybe shouldn't go together? What if I said that
I could make a taco croissade. It's like a taco
but instead of a shall it to croissade? You just
got more beautiful? God, go downstairs, Go downstairs. Hey, bellas good.
(42:40):
He'll phone me at the mouth, a little dirty fucker.
We're making so many calls. We're about to call Dominoes.
You want to call? Oh wow, that sounds like a
lot of fun. You know I need this right now?
I need this? Ye okay, Dominoes Russell Road. Hey, can
I get um to medium pizzas Pepperoni? I'll keep my
(43:01):
card Okay, that's going great, guys, this this is going great.
Um okay, so my now this is on Clancy Yeah, Clancy,
Chris okay, and uh so my members four to four,
six to two, expression one Okay, that's not enough digits
to be a credit card? Got him? I feel so.
(43:23):
Hey Clayton, we're gonna have to let you go from Demos.
What that's that's how many calls are people calling it
up with you? Look, I'm getting cranked, Clayton. I'm sorry,
this is this is hurting Demos. Look, I'm sorry that
we're making the pizzas before the sale is complete. But
you know my staff loves to make pizza. Clayton, I
I don't want to do this, but you gotta go.
(43:45):
You're under arrest. I'm under arrest. You're under arrest. Shouldn't
this at least go before the county board. I'm sorry, Clayton.
I don't make the rules. You're under RUSS. You're going
to jail. Long time Clayton, bad news. The really lexic daisical,
easy going judges off tonight. No, this guy is real
tough shit, real tough. What do we have here? Hey? Guys?
(44:08):
Can we make uh? Can we make one more call. Yeah,
all right? Can you can you call my wife Linda?
Linda very very funny? Wow? Um sure, I mean we
don't know her number. Do you want to just start
randomly down like until we get her? No, I can
just give it to you and okay, take some of
the fun out of it. Maybe, uh, I don't know.
(44:29):
Maybe feel test the waters with her, see how she's
feeling about her relationship with me. You're sad, yeah, but
came here me good? All right? Scott resident Chet speaking
hello something? This is this is Chet speaking hello Chet.
(44:52):
Who is it? Who's on the phone. I don't know, babe.
I'll be right back so much. I love you too,
chet Chet. This is Jim with the government, Linda's husband. Oh,
I was just making love of your wife? Is your
is your refrigerator? Running Man Classic? It's actually your refrigerator.
(45:17):
I can't do this and I'm stocked it full of
Trader Joe's. I can't do this. I can't break it
cross coming down? What do I do? What I say? Okay,
I'm gonna fucking murder you. Oh my god. Some of
(45:44):
those his wife his wife's lover. What? Oh? These are good?
These are delicious. Give me that phone? What Star sixty
nine Prescott Residents chet speaking? Yeah, well this who's chat chat?
Are you Linda? Uh? This is chat I'm making love
(46:04):
to Linda currently. I guess I'm confused. I thought that
you were going to join us me. Really, I was
under the impression that you were the wife of you
know what, dominoes. I love Dominoes. Just call upstairs. Hold
on one second, where are you going? I just gotta
go upstairs to finish this phone calls accorded phone? Why
(46:27):
don't I'm just kidding when when I shout down to
hang up the phone, you guys, hang up the phone.
I'm gonna use my upstairs phone. Okay, okay, I'll be upstairs. Okay,
hold on one don't don't hang up the phone, honey.
I have warned me. This is a wild night. Yeah,
I mean doesn't even doesn't get us crazy the government.
(46:47):
This is crazy than anything happened to the government. Hang
up the phone. Yeah, we're hanging it up up click click. Okay,
so I might not be able to come over, but
I can have phones X right now. All right, okay,
you get you get me started? Oh god, hanging up No, listen.
(47:07):
Listen to your mom. Listen to your mom. This is
good for you. All right, I'm gonna put the phone
on my on my genitals. I want you to. I
want you to make loud noises to the vibrations, you know,
do the thing chet wow. Ah, so weird. She was
(47:29):
supposed to get him going. All right, did that work
for you? That worked? Okay, I'm gonna do it for
you now. Okay, Hey, you guys think my uh my
wife misses me. I don't know. She's always Actually another
guy and his mom is involved in this three phone
sex thing, and I think you should move on or
be celibate for a little bit. I mean, that's what's hurting.
(47:50):
You can't hurt. You can't hurt or like, I need
a dad. Now, maybe you can raise me? No, no, no, okay,
never mind what did the president it? No? And when
did he know it? The president knew everything, and he
knew it from the very beginning. Oh, this is this
is hard stuff. Well this is good. I'm a nonpartisan
(48:12):
government employee. I am a five star accountant and I
have been working for every president since nineteen all right, well,
then I'd like to cross question what makes you feel
like you're so important subjective subjectively called the government again.
(48:37):
Oh hello, Hello, this is Marvin. You've got to stop
calling here. This is the government. We got important things
going on. I'm watching Suspend and uh there's some good
Watergate stuff happening. Now listen, when you say suspend, it
is like nails on a trunk board. It is c
span what it's You're saying it wrong. Maybe they're saying
(48:59):
it wrong. No, you're saying it wrong. Marvin. You're wasting
our time. This is a government. We are you gonna
put out some new episodes, new episodes. The new stuff
is classified. Well I want to see it. Will wait
seventy years? Oh my turning question? Okay, uh um, what
(49:20):
is is it? His tournament? You were in the middle
of your favorite baseball team. M what is your favorite
baseball Yeah, I'm going. I'm leading. I'm leading him. Umbly,
you're under oath. May I remind you you are under oath.
I yield the remainder of my time to the Senator.
Thank you Baltimore, Baltimore or Orioles. And there you have it,
(49:41):
ladies and gentlemen, there you have I yield the remainder
of my time to all the America to the pig,
to the pig. Actually, I'm just a zimbol centator of tugging,
which I recognized as the pig from Kentucky, like I'm
owner one. When did the president burn the tapes? And
d no, No, I think that's good. That's good. Do
(50:06):
I have to answer that? Do I have to answer that? Yeah?
You do? When do I get my funk on? That
was a second question. When does he? When does he
get his funk on? Oh? Well, also when do you
get your fun on? I I get my funk on
every every birthday and holiday with my my wife. And
the president burned the tapes immediately after the indictment was made.
(50:29):
Thank you. I think that sheds some light on things.
And then my knees called him. I got him. I'll
hear my book. Thank you, thank you. Well, hey, it's
been nice hanging out with your boys or your your
child and his friend. Um, the snacks were delicious. Um,
could you could you give me a rand home? Mrs
murmur Yeah, I have a good day. What we're by
(50:56):
the way, I think you climax so hard that you
forgot you were in your own home. You are home.
I want to go to your home. Chet's waiting for me,
and so is Linda. I need you to watch the kid,
my child, your child, yours? Now? Yeah, I'll give you
a ride. Thanks. Hey, hey, squirt, Hey, you're coming with me?
(51:21):
What you're coming with us? Really? Can I bring these
Totino's pizza rolls? Hell? Yeah? And that's our show for
real this time. Let's go ahead and beg your alchemists
and see what they're up to. Chris Alvarado, Hey, I'm
up to so much stuff, guys, I'd love to improvise.
I do improv comedy everywhere. My name is at Chris
(51:41):
Alvarado on Instagram, Sweet Joey Great at jeby Greeber on
the tweets and on Instagram. Check out Goodnight my Sketch
Comedy album on Amazon, iTunes, All that Ship, Spotify. It's free.
Bear supply every second and fourth Wednesday, nine o'clock at
the west Side Comedy Theater. Pretty Pretty Pony Yeah for Thursday.
First Thursday Day at Westside Comedy Yeah. Greig Kakowski at
(52:03):
Kakowski on Twitter. Also follow at Orange Tucks Improv for
improv shows with my wife Carla, Sweet James and I
just love it when you guys follow me on the
ratings and the reviews. And I've a lot of more
five star great reviews, but I'd like to take attention
to one by Mr Colt forty five. I listened to
seventy different that's what his name is on Apple podcasts
(52:26):
from Canada. I listened to seventy podcasts a week. This
is the first each Tuesday and Thursday that I make
sure I've downloaded before I work in the morning. Absolutely
gets me going first thing in the morning, by far,
and without a doubt, the funniest podcast I've found. Four
out of five stars. What the what do we have
(52:46):
to do? Mr? Come on, it's possible that it's an accident.
I just wanted to five stars is actually four stars. Yeah,
it's a different news. We like it. It gives us
something to work to our Yeah that's good, mean, funniest
like maybe he's sorry it's a drama person, you know,
they like the heavier stuff. I keep coming back and
(53:08):
seeing if it's changed, and it doesn't. I don't think
they're gonna change. Maybe now think you hear that? Cult
forty five get to it, Take a star away, James,
don't do that. I mean, you know I'll give you.
Don't take stars away. Come on, stars, if we're the
funniest around, give us five fucking stars. WHOA don't make
(53:29):
me come to Canada. You know you know where, you
know where he can see this and set all this
San Francisco, because we're gonna be at sketch Fest. That's right.
Get tickets for that, that's right, Sunday Janum at the
Gateway Theater. Go to s sketch Fest dot com. Come
see Alchemy This live. Dare you could? I dare you
to come. Dare you to do it? That's for it
for our show today, Let's thank our engineer Doug Maybe,
(53:53):
our post sound design artist Raphael Brito. Encourage all of
you to write a review. Tell everyone you've ever met
and write to us at your name here at alchemy
this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy this
dot com. Until next time,
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This it's a
me Cool Stratton momentarily doing a crap super Mario impression,
or Mario if you're from the East Coast. Kevin is
stuck reading every volume of Garfield, so we'll sold your
oud without him. Let's meet our alchemists, shall we? In
no particular orders. Say hello to that guy who takes
out a guitar at every party even though no one
wants him to. Joey Greer, Joey, what bullshit song will
(00:24):
you play as everyone else tries to socialize? It's actually
an original. It's called Streamline, but it's off of Wonderland
from Oasis, so it's their melody, their lyrics, but it's
my song. I'd asked to hear some, but I don't
want to. Next up, he left his Carney life to
pursue improvised podcasting. Craig Kakowski. Craig, what do you miss
most about the Big Top? Well? I miss uh miss
(00:48):
having all my fingers, that's fair. Did you lose them
in podcasting? Yeah? Yeah, I had them all when I
left the Carnal and then Paul taking two of my thumbs,
all of them. He's the only one that EMC Hammer
would allow to touch this. Chris Alvarado, Chris, have you
(01:11):
ever owned parachute pants? And why aren't you wearing some
right now? I have? They're not in fashion currently. That
all makes sense. And finally, this guy knows a thing
or two about soup. James he need he need? Do
you go New England or Manhattan? When faced with the
chowder choice, Oh my god, obviously it's the New England.
I want the cream based thing. I like potato soup,
(01:32):
I like leak soup. I like clam chowder with a
cream based I kind of figured I was hitting the
nail on the head there with the yeah, I mean,
who wants clam chowder with ketchup? That's the opposite, That's
the other option. How many oyster crackers enough to make
a thick like a stew or think like a like
(01:54):
a lot a porch? Yeah, that's actually that is the
exact consistency I'm looking for. I got to do. You know,
true soupconnoissers don't ever use always to correct that. Really, ship,
Before we get started with their first scene, we'd like
to invite you to become a v I P member
to our new Patreon page. Bonus episodes not available to
(02:17):
non members. There's a phone number just for v i
p s where you can leave a message being a
question or request or whatever, and we'll reply at our
new regular video Q and A is with the Alchemists
at Kevin's Place, which are only available to v i
p s. All kinds of cool ship. So please join
our super core fans by going to Patreon dot com
slash alchemy this. That's Patreon dot com slash alchemy this.
(02:38):
All today's scene suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails.
If you'd like to submit yours, please write to the
podcast at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at alchemy this dot com. You
can always ond one email you know what to do
in stereo see number one. Hey Alchemists, my name is
Chris McCollum and I'm from Detroit, Michigan. Hey, shout out
(02:58):
to Michigan and Alchemists. There you go. Found the show.
During a commercial break from How Stuff Works, I show
all my friends the show, specifically the crime scene at
Turla's Diner. My scene suggestion a group of inmates are
going to attempt to break out of prison. Maybe a
guard is in on it. Maybe they share what landed
them in the big house. Do what you want. I'm
sure it'll be comedy regardless. Thanks Alchemists. Christ McColl um, James,
(03:20):
he needs number one fan. Damn, Chris, Damn. I don't.
I don't. I think I'm out. I think I'm out.
It feels weird. That doesn't feel right as a vibe
in the What the hell am I gonna do with
this hole? We dog? Well, you guys can go. I
think I'm just gonna hang back. You're hanging back. You're
gonna snitch on a goddamn snitch and we cut his
(03:44):
tongue out. If all right, okay, wait, hold on, hold on,
you guys, just go and ow I can maybe throw
them off your scent. This is a four man plan.
You're out. We're gonna have to make it a three
man plan. I don't like change in plan. I know
you don't. I just honestly, I'll be honest. I don't
like you as people give a funk. We're trying to
(04:06):
get the funk out of this isn't the friends, but
part of the plan is going out to that cabin
out in the woods and laying low for a while,
and frankly, the conversation will be boring. Look, we're only
gonna we're gonna spend two weeks, maybe three weeks stops.
Conversation is boring? What are you talking about? I just mean, like,
we get it. You know a lot about like the
Almanac and stuff. So what so you think that's born?
Information is born? That information? It's all information. He knows
(04:29):
so much about the alman it's insane. I know where
it was printed, how it was printed, who printed it? Now?
And now so do why? Yeah? Great, and you're for it.
I mean that may be the case. But two to
three weeks Okay, then you start a conversation. All right,
no problem, okay, Um, it's hard this way. Wow, it's
hard this way. You know I watched this what what
(04:50):
pages the world series winners on to it? Oh Man?
Right there? That really gets you. He knows so much
about the Almanac. I know where it was printed, how
it was who. I'm just saying, like our crimes that
got us here to begin with, like kind of separate us.
You three are violent criminals, allegedly, as you always say
(05:11):
that because I instant prepare for self check, shelf checks
all the way. I can see it. You can see
it here, he comes here, comes, he comes here, right,
that convicts against the wall. Hands up there. It's just
four guys in one self. We know the trail. Four
(05:31):
guys in one just hanging out here. We got space limitation,
budget cutbacks. It's not my fault. Don't don't get me
like that guy. All right, let's see if you got
any contrabanding here as your wife doing mull rather well,
thanks for good covered from that fall. Okay, that's good. Yeah,
(05:51):
because that's because you can get U an infection, you know,
like lying in bed for that long. That's right. That's right,
she's up. We're doing some general re ham on her knees.
So it's good. Thanks for asking. McClusky. Just a hypothetical,
as you're searching us and touching us and I'll cough
there for you, like what like, like, what's the protocol
(06:15):
if like I don't know, like watch yourself, you know,
like what like would you want the protocol making friends? Yeah,
what's the protocol of making friends? From making friends? You know,
there's no protocol from making friends. There's protocol from making enemies.
Around here, you know that. I guess what I'm saying.
(06:36):
You're you're friendly. I mean, frankly, you feel like you're
one of us. I mean, you treat us with respects
and we appreciate that, right right, right right. And when
I hear that your your wife taking a fall and
recovering it warmps my heart. My wife never recovered from
her fault. Yeah, big infection, big infection. But you murdered
your wife. No, I didn't know. I didn't allegedly allegedly.
(06:59):
I guess what I'm asking is, mclusky, are you fulfilled
with this job? Huh? You know I never really thought
about that, you know, I do. I come down here,
I try to do the best to try to make
this a nice environment for all of us, you know,
because why I make it unpleasant? No? Right, no, no,
you know, but you know what I think about it,
And I had aspirations for other things before I got
into realization. Come on, go on, Well, you know I
(07:24):
was writing this one man show. I want to take
the Broadway. You know. You know what I bet would
help with the writing process is some seclusion, you know,
being away from it all and doing you mean me
and like work out the kinks. Of it and solitary. Yeah,
well yeah something or or or just you know, not
without the clutter of like you know, your her wife
(07:44):
and stuff. I'm sure that's taken away from the creative process.
I'm gonna say it, guys, what what we're getting out
of here? To what? We can trust him? We can
rust him. He's a good guy. You're a good guy.
Come with us? When you say getting out of here?
(08:06):
What's what do you? What are you? What are you doing? What?
We're going to spend two weeks maybe three weeks tops?
You know that cabin is just outside of the prison yard.
We all see it. It's clear to see that. You
can see it right there right there. Yeah, yeah, I
see the cab We know the cabins. You guys, listen,
it's nice, it's furnished. Jones has a rope up his
(08:27):
butt right now. He's a good guy. Wow, this is
a This just got a lot of girth to it.
How did you get it out there? Yeah? Okay, okay,
then look what what what? What I'm trying to ask
you personally is will you come with us? Because I
(08:48):
don't want to go with just these guys. I'm the
wading on the water on the water on the A
lot of these a lot of these press sners don't
really like you. They don't want to like them. I'm
the war I know, but you are. Do something. Let's
get cookies and milk to all the inmates and then
(09:09):
take them away right before they eat and drinking. Hear antagonized.
Think the prisoners, warden, what are they gonna do there
in cages? On the warden listening? They're still human being
some of these people you work for me? Of course,
then you need to shut the funk up? Okay, Okay,
number two, no shoes on the carpet. How many times?
I mean, warden, you have a ten am inspection of
(09:31):
the cells to um inspection? Okay, do you have to
sing everything? Let's let's push it. Huh, let's push it. Okay,
you really have to do the inspection of the cells?
Do I at some point to a cell right now?
It's getting a little out of hand. What if there's
a fire? It's look, the one is gonna be handy minute.
(09:55):
And I don't like that guy either, just because he
played Tony one time in West Side legendation. I've never
seen the tape. I I mean, you've seen a playbill
for it, but he talks about it all the time,
and he said, you know, you should have gone the
Broadway McCloskey. But no, no, you're just the help. He
calls me the help. One man show. Characters are autobiographical.
(10:16):
It's both things, with all the different characters from my life.
But it's a two of the force. It is the force.
I believe it. I believe it. What do you say?
I don't know. I feel like just to stick one
over on him. I kind of want to help you
guys get out of here. What's the name of the
guy who was in um? He was in What the
(10:37):
Boy Here? Bill something or something? He was in the Goddamnit.
He did the William Shakespeare, Bill Irwin, Bill, Bill Clinton.
He held the Oscars like a whole bunch of times,
Billy Crystal. He did a woman's show. He didn't want to.
Did you see it? Yeah? Yeah, seven hundred Sundays about Baseball? No, No,
(10:57):
not that one, not that one, not that one. There
wasn't one. Weird and black face right, No, that was
a mistaken I really think you need to take this
a little more seriously. Must do you work for me?
Then you need to understand that i'd take things seriously
from the top one two three. If you know that,
you let me saying first, what Warden, the guards are
(11:18):
complaining that that you're you're not paying them over time
and you're making them work uh a hundred hours a week.
They stepped it up, they'd get a position on the cast.
Ever since Jeffrey EPs didn't, we've been having a lot
of eyes on us, okay, and you need to take
this seriously because people are getting in trouble. Warden, Snap,
(11:38):
Jeffrey Epstein killed himself. Listen, you know that true. You
know that that's not true. I know that I know
that we did it. If you don't want to come
with us, at least don't tell on us. Jesus man,
do you think that I hate the thing? I can
(11:59):
just leave so I can meet you guys bad. But
the main thing is that I should find a way
to do diversion to cover for you. Maybe I can
get the ward down here and make him watch my
woman show. But I don't know. I don't want you
to be with us. I think I'm out. What do
you mean, hotel, I'll just tell the word, Oh my god,
cut cut his tongue. Alright, don't okay, Jeff would have
(12:21):
been in Jeff, Jeff, Jeff be it Jeff. Alright, alright, alright,
you're right. I'll do it for Jelly Crystal. Do we
say that already? Yes? Alright, alright, tell you what you guys,
sneak out your tunnel here. He's gonna come down to
this sell momentarily, and I will be here and I
will keep him busy. All right, break legs, Oh, thank you,
(12:42):
break legs. Everyone. Al Right, So this is the first sell.
That's the second. So that's the third sell. And that
took a little more than that. Why do I have
to do this? I know what it looks like. I've
seen pictures of cells. It's maintaining like if you don't look,
then then they will think that no one's going to
look in the just it keeps everybody honest. If you
look at everybody, just to look at everyone. That's the
(13:04):
only way to check this off. I have to look
at everyone's self, everyone more honest. And now we're in
cell block. This is officer charge of this. I know. Hello,
hello the gentlemen. I think we're just talking about my
Broadway show. Do you remember that it's a really good
show that you had me printing you. Thank you. Look
(13:26):
at this, officer, McClusky, a playbill of my Broadway show.
That's terrific. Why don't you look at the playbill I
coved into the wall over here on my solo show
that I'm about to show you select scenes. Oh my god,
and actually unfolded. Oh my god, this is detailed. Well
let's see mcsky. Here we go. Turn off your cell phones.
(13:47):
Please don't have the going off during the production signal
in here anyway before were going on the whole the tunnel.
I mean, what do you mean that we're already down,
locked down here. I want to watch this now here.
We should support mcclutsky, will support him by doing the
damn thing because he's doing this person seats. You know
that it's a diversion. He's got guys have to watch
(14:09):
him in a cell. It's fine, okay, that's forced audience
for Christles. I just I wish him the best of lucky.
Great to me to come on. Let's just like the
warden's a tough laugh. Sometimes you gotta get the last
you come on. Stupid idiots, do not go up there
and watch it. We're in the hole, we're escaping. What
is the name of that movie that um avatar? No no, no,
(14:33):
no no, it's with no no, no, no words. Yonkers
nineteen sixty three. Boy, oh boy, I should love to
play t ball with all my friends. Stickballs. We called
it out there. Okay, pitch it in, Willie, pitch it in.
I would shout and Willie would stand me. Doubt he's
(14:55):
toss in that ball. It's a whole run over the
sub way. Oh man. But my father, he was hod,
he was hard. I don't lock everything you up to McCluskey.
He called me McCluskey, even though we all had the
last name McCluskey. I mean, what is that can get
a popcorn and the cook? Yeah, I had to leave
it in the first act. That just wasn't hitting, you know,
(15:17):
just wasn't hitting. We we just have prison food here. Yeah, well,
let me get some popcorn. Make it just theaters changed,
you know what I mean. I'll go back for the
second act. It's gonna be intermission. I'll just kind of
mingling with everybody. I don't even know. I left the
scorns unpopped. Well then pop it. It came from a cant.
I don't think you can put him in solitary, but
(15:37):
he's not a prisoner. Will give a damn all right,
Oh my god. You know, McCluskey going out there doing
a one man show just pisces me off. You know,
it's like I'm the warden. I was on Broadway. That
was a great first act, great first act. The house
is really loving it. Um, you might have noticed there
was an empty seat the warden. He had to use
the restaurant three minutes, Thank you three he had to
(16:00):
use the in the middle of my show. Well, it's
probably an emergency. But but he's coming back, so bringing home.
Oh I sure will, Okay, goddamn right, I will. I
don't want to sund And then why don't we have
an open bar. Why is that not a thing? Well,
because the prisoners are not supposed to be drinking, sir,
Oh but I can't have a drink. You can have
a drink in your office. Then let's have an open
(16:22):
more down here for cuts. Then get some LCO. Here's
thirty dollars, go get some alcohol. Come back. I mean
the prisoners have probably made some moonshine or something. Well,
then get that. I don't pay them thirty dollars. Why
do I have to think of everything? I wouldn't drink it, sir,
Oh why not? Do you think I'm a little bit boy? Drink?
Flashing lights, flashing lights, flashing lights flashing. It looks like
second act starting flashing. I'll take my seat, and it
(16:44):
looks like to drink. It was that night that my
father was killed by Mickey Mantle. Bullshit, I'm sorry, bullshit,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Oh wait, what you heck on
my show one really Want? I don't know? Said that? Yeah,
you said it, and I'm gonna say this. You would
make a lousy Tony. Oh come on, you would make
(17:05):
a terrible Tony. I was Tony. You would not Tony.
I was right. We have this play bill that shows
that you clearly no. Look, you crossed out your role
of baby John, and you wrote in Tony the same thing.
Baby John grows up to Tony. He does not. He's
told he's Freddy. It's like four lines. Baby John's one
of the lesser jets. Thank you, thank you, yes, yes,
(17:27):
Now listen. If you think that you I'm not supporting you.
What has happened to mutiny? What is happening. That's right,
it makes rise up set. You are a jet all
the way from your first I don't know the worst.
Hold on, he didn't play Tony, he didn't play Tony.
(17:48):
Wait wait, twite twaite on the war Marian, Maria, Maria,
that's Mario the West Side story. Wow, this cabin is nice.
I hope McCluskey is doing okay, All right, let's let's
hear it. Let's start a conversation. Well only just got here.
(18:09):
I know, I know that we got time start a conversation.
Did you know that the that the Almanac chapter and
that's our first say C number two. Hello, alchemists. My
name is Joseph. I'm a recently transplant to the DC area,
(18:30):
and I'm working as an intern among thousands of other insurns.
My name, Your name is Joey. Were really really taking aback?
I find myself audibly laughing on the busy subway as
I spent my time between stops listening to the alchemy
that is this. But I digress. My suggestion to you
is to create a scenario based on the old joke blank,
(18:50):
a blank and a blank walk into a bar. I'm
just curious to see what you all come up with,
and with hope I will one day find myself in
a city where you all will be performing, so I
can join my laughter on others. Keep up the accident work.
Joseph the same name as Joey. There you get another beer? Yes? Father,
what would you like to drink? Just another beer? Um? Man,
come on, okay, father, don't call me that right now?
(19:13):
Just just call me then. Just take your the collar
off because it's uh. I can't. I'm very deeply religious
and with that collar, I want to call you father.
Oh my god. And here's a PBR PBO whatever said?
Any beer? Good? Are you okay? You need somebody to
talk to? That's funny. It's just that I've talk to you.
(19:38):
Don't you want to do a confession? No, I'm asking
you if you want to do a confession. I'm so sorry.
Confession Does that sound better? It does sound better. Quack
quack quack quick, look at that duck hanging a beer? Please? Sure?
What would you like? I'll have what he's having? Quack quack.
(19:59):
There you go. Um, if you want, we can wait
for the duck to leave so we have privacy. I'm
not asking you to share your problems with the whole bar.
I don't want to. I never I never offered to
do that. You know what the problem with women is?
I sure do. Why don't you tell me? They don't
get us? Am I right? They don't get I'm selling, man,
I'm selling. Yeah. Yeah, that was a tight one by
(20:24):
a long face, my friend. Fuck you, fuck you man.
I'm sorry. I get that every place. I WoT. I'm sorry.
What can I get you to give me a schlitz
and some oats? Okay, Luke, I'm so sorry to do this,
but we're gonna have to shut your bar down. What well,
there's animals shooting and pissing all over the place, not
(20:45):
just a health hazer. We can't have them to say
it's a bar. What's the difference the other day? I
I was, I was a secret shopper. I was in
that corner booth. I remember you, well, I guess I
wasn't a secret shopper that I didn't know you were
a secret shopper. I just remember you being there. Look,
I was at your bar and a priest, a duck
and a horse walked into your bar. And do you
(21:05):
know what happened next? I mean, I was there. See.
The problem is is that they say they understand quack quack,
but they don't don't not at all. You're right, You're right, friend, right? Father?
I mean, I'm settlement. I'm selivan. So I don't. You
don't talk to women. I talked to women. But I mean,
what you're just discussing here, it just seems to be
a personal issue. So what's your issue? My issue? What more?
(21:26):
My issue is everyone comes to me looking for their
goddamn help, and I'm just another human being. And guess what,
I guess what. I don't have all the goddamn answers.
I don't have all the answers. Is there a heaven?
I don't know? Is there a hell? Probably? Listen? Listen, listen, listen, listen.
My institution is sucked up. Okay, I rolled the dice
on this thing I thought was gonna work out for me.
I was wrong. Who's wrong? People are flawed. People are flawed.
(21:49):
People can fix it. People can fix it problem. And
we get this man's father, and we got to make
sure that one by what you to have another beer?
Or should I just get you your bill? Fuck you? Oh?
So that? I mean that was the problem. It was
(22:10):
just low steaks humor. Well, I was high stakes characters.
I don't think you understand this. As a bartender, I'm
just trying to take everybody's bad day and make it
go away. That that's fine, that's fine, But understand there's
feces and urine. Yeah there was is. I mean, it's
only I've cleaned it and it has come back again.
(22:32):
Those are regulars regardless. That's like what would be if
there was another, I mean another it comes in. You
have to get some music going in the bar to
ever since that ten inch pianist quit listen, It's the
thing is that sometimes the music's in the way the conversation.
If they want to go clubbing, they can go clubbing,
but our bar is known for good conversations. What a
(22:53):
draw a ten inch pianist? I mean, how many other
musicians are that tiny quack? Father? Um, this woman is
making eyes at you, just saying okay, well well great.
I mean it seems like you're throwing it all the way.
So you know, I could introduce you. She's she's nice.
I'm sure she's fine. It's the duck and the horse
(23:15):
that hate women. I I don't I know you you
say that you're you never women. The whole conversation, the
whole conversation was about how you were just disenfranchised with
the other gender because they rejected you because you're not
their space sheets. Man. You understand that they're not. You're
not there. Funny, all right, I won't introduce you to
you've made it pretty clear you don't like women. You
(23:38):
know what the I'm totally I love people in a
bar brandishing a firearm, and what's wrong with that I've
made I've taken a lot of liberties and quack, Oh
my god, oh my god, it's just a duck, and fine,
just shut up, holy shit, let's eat it. But we're
(23:59):
gonna have to right father now, we're never going to
talk about this again. And you're gonna eat some d
that whole time I was in that corner booth. You
killed a duck and ate it. It does a lot
of people. That's a normal thing. I'm sorry, Luke, I'm sorry.
We're gonna have to revoke your bar stack. No. You
(24:21):
know how hard it is to get a license. We
know where the city board. Look. I'm sorry, Luke, who's wrong?
I cook it, but I don't know what's wrong. I
just want any of the outs anymore. You keep I
(24:42):
had some beech jerkey out there, and he ate some
of that. I don't know what's happening. What's wrong with
that horse? I don't know. I think it might be carniferous.
Now look, well, why don't you ask him? He is
a talking horse of broke that kind of subjects with him. Look,
this is, this is I don't know what's going on.
A lot of the ducks, A lot of the bunnies
have a miss and on the farm. They usually go
into his barn and they talk it up and it
(25:02):
seems very comfortable. And but that just I've been finding
bones and tufts of the hair in his stall. Think
horses gun carnivorous, That's what I'm saying. Look, we got
a lot of talking animals, that's Jim, I know that,
But this one's scaring me. Every time I walk by,
he licks his chops and understand that we don't walk by.
How I have to do use the restroom? You wanted
(25:25):
that guy to him out house. He's got a big
race this weekend. Hey can I borrow on an MP
three player? Yeah? Sure, here you going? Thank you, Jim.
I'm just I'm just nervous. Maybe maybe getting this talking
farm with's a bad idea. You get, you gotta get
an iPod two rather than just a generic imp the
same thing they all upload. It's the same, the designers
(25:47):
superior and the Oh it's not it's not at all.
Horse he gonna eat you, Horse, he gonna eat Okay,
what the hell? What the hell the piggy said this?
The god damn bath what the hell you? I'm gonna
go market. You need anything? Uh no, no, no thanks.
(26:11):
Do you think these animals are gonna rebel against us? No, Jim, goddamn,
I don't know. Oh, that'll be a thirteen fifty. That's
a lot of bacon cash, man, I know I'll got
hold on me go my Fennie Packham. Can you not
reach it? Or little you get you over it for me? Yeah?
(26:36):
Oh come on, man, you got just like loose condoms
in there with that funk. I'm not gonna dig around
and get my funk on. Come on, miss sick, you're
such a fucking pigment. Get my fun No, no, no, no, no, no, okay.
I don't know what this has to do with your case,
but well it's pretty important. Because the thing is is
(26:59):
I was set up that that horse is basically dynamic, demonic, dynamic.
You know, I'm just saying that it was a little
out of my control. I think that it was him
that made me like, we're shutting down your bar. A
lot of people love this place. It's coming to me
for a dynamic possession. Yeah, this is the right place,
(27:22):
father Patrick. Guess Okay, so could you please possess me dynamically?
What could you possess you? Yes? You want me a priest.
I want the powers to come along with being a dynamic.
So you want a dynamic spirit to come into you. Well,
(27:43):
if I could get the powers without that, sure, but
I think that I'm a priest. Yeah, I expel dynamic possessions. Yeah,
I'm not gonna throw up. I expel those spirits. Sure obviously,
if you can do that, then the opposite would be
just as easy. And so do I You just bend over?
What do I do? Yeah? Bendor? Okay, Okay, how do
(28:09):
you feel? I feel awkward? I feel like I should
have just let you tell me what else you want
to do. I just want the powers. I just want powers,
because how about you want parts? I'm open the closet
one of my friends. You know what, Actually, I'll just
let's just stand back the closet. Listen. So how did
(28:30):
you get in here? Again? Malpractice? It was not practice
malpractice for a priest. It was an adult I'll say that,
al I hooked up with a guy and adult guys contentially,
and uh, and then it kind of blew up my face.
Well we're busting out of here if you're in Yeah,
I am totally. I really like this. I'm totally used
(28:54):
to patterns and rhythms of life, you know, so I
like this. I don't like to you like being here
in prison? Like like being in prison. I like being
in prison. I don't. I don't believe in an afterlife.
Kind of resigned those kind of beliefs. So what does you?
And Epstein have been talking a lot in the prison yard. Yeah,
he's uh, he's a really fucked up guy. He's a
really scary fucked up guy. Father. Is this your almanac? Uh?
(29:17):
That is uh? That is mine? Yea, what's what? What
is up? My man? I just just wanted to thumb
through and look for some world facts and stuff. Yeah, actually,
you know I got it from that guy over there.
Uh and uh, so do not say that I snagged it,
but Epstein wanted to kind of go through. I don't
know why I'm hanging out with him. I gotta be honest.
Hey man, it's me Jeff, Look at me. There you go.
(29:40):
I've been thinking a lot. Man. You and I are
a lot of like you know, we both go, we
both follow a certain god. Should we be going back
to ourselves? Or hey? Look at me, Look at Tonight's
gonna be a big night for me. It's great, nice,
gonna be a big You used to be a priest,
right you know I used to be, so I can
confess you right, well, I'm not anymore. So it's kind
(30:02):
of just you talked to the person. I don't have
any superpowers anymore. Hey do you like me? Huh too?
Are we friends? I feel like you get me. Uh
whatever happens to me tonight, I just know I told
you so. Okay, uh okay. I just one last thing.
He's a here's a jello cup. I oh that's for you, man.
(30:25):
I give gifts to my friends school. Looks like there's
a syringe Pierson on the top. But I you know what,
I'm gonna give this back as I'll hold it. I'll
hold it. Uh uh okay, okay, I'll help you find peace. Okay, okay,
ilp you find holy shit, Holy sh it. Hey guys, guys, guys,
what's up? What I was? I was just an Epstein's
(30:47):
cell and first off, creepy vibes. I've done a lot
of dynamic possessions and like all that stuff. And he
this guy is creepy all right, and uh and and
and I don't know who. I'm not his friend. I
don't who spreading those rumors, all right, Like I'm just
not I'm just not his friend. Okay, but gave me
this jello cup and uh, I don't know if you
guys want to eat it or something that, but I'm
(31:08):
not gonna eat I mean either, I mean neither. Anyway,
what are y'all doing? I just gotta get a palate cleanser.
So what what is up? Oh? I have to come
in the wrong place. You're a horse? Yeah? I want
on to tear eat a lot of people and all
the people ship. Then I got fun this pig who's
(31:30):
getting this funk on? What? And then all I know
is these ages grab me up and I'm here. They
didn't shoot you. No, it's wild. What did you do again?
Ate a bunch of alleged Thanks for coming to this
open mic everybody. Um, so I'm gonna work on some
(31:51):
jokes I have here, all right, so uh yeah that's fair. Um.
So a priest, a duck, and a horse walk into
a bar. Okay. The priests like, it's like, well, I mean,
it's just suspend disbelief. And you know, the priest is
like shitty, you know what I mean? For we don't
we don't, we don't know exactly why. And then tell me, man,
tell and the duck is got you know, he's got
(32:15):
problems with women. But it's like, well, he's a duck,
you know what I mean. And then there be a rabbi. Yeah,
well this is an open mic, so I will write
that down. Maybe the bartenders jewish? Oh okay, okay, yeah, okay,
can I say Jewish stuff if I'm not Jewish? What? Okay?
This is going well? Um cool? I got the light. Um,
(32:36):
thank you for helping me workshop this piece. All right. Hey,
let's give it up for Hector. I did a good job.
Thank you, all right. Next time I was thinking like, hey,
get off man, you had your time. Yeah, okay, all right,
ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being here. I have
my talking dog here, and my talking dog will now
(32:57):
perform for you. What's on top of the house roof? Uh? What? Uh?
What goes on a tree? Roof? Park? Idiot? Who was
the greatest baseball player of all time? What? Mickey Mantle?
You piece of ship? Mickey Mantle is a murderer? Mickey
(33:21):
man kill McClusky. Who is this guy? Get him up?
Stair him off here? Man? You idiot? Hey, guys, I
don't know what the funk that was, but a good
luck coming to my open mic ever again? Look yeah, look,
I gotta keep this running. Pig your up. Hey, man
(33:43):
and women are different. That's true. That's true. Then then
be like as my real control. Yeah, that's true. He's
leaving a trail of condoms women be like shopping? I
get that. Well, what else is going on? You can't
(34:05):
turn that book? Somebody half them turning? Will here? Scene three, Hi, alchemists,
my scene suggestion. A group of Saturday nineteens makes some
(34:27):
prank phone calls. Please keep doing what you're doing. You
bring a lot of laughter to my life and many
many others. All the best. Charlie from Minneapolis. PS James,
please sign my flesh light. Okay, Well, first of all,
I don't offer that that service anymore. Please stop sending
them to my house. I keep them from myself afterwards.
Oh god, they're not dirty. They're used, are you? I'm
(34:51):
not sure. Don't send them to me anymore? To send them?
Send them? Who's on the phone? Who is this? Answer me?
It's your dad. My dad was dead forty years ago.
That was great. That man good good burned him in.
(35:12):
Do you want anything? Yeah, all right, I'll bring him down.
Oh my god, it was so good. You know what
we should do? What you should call the government? Oh
my god, call the government? Hello government? Um? Hey, um?
(35:33):
What's going on with the impeachment? Hearing bloody west? Um.
There's a lot of ups and downs right now. I
can't really figure what does the pizza taste? Good? So good? Rick?
Who's on the phone? Just some more people asking about
(35:53):
the impeachment. That's not their business, that's classified. Well, they
knew the direct line, so I assumed they knew the
direct line. Anybody wants this number, can a bit. We
should go out there. What is going on? Some people
are getting the classified information and they're calling direct I
think that's run information about what about impeachment hearing these
public hearings, Well, those are classified. We can't let anyone know.
(36:14):
We can't let anyone know. We tell the public what
we hear, and they hear that, but that's classified information.
Now we gotta do everything we can to clamp this
up because it's a class of I say, we go
out in the truck. The truck it is take the
truck out there. It's big business if we take the truck. Yeah,
So before we do that, let's just all uh, let's
go around and just say how our day was well. Uh.
(36:38):
Linda told me that she wants to bring a third
person into the bedroom. And she says it's a watch
or like make sure everything safe. What I mean to
join in on our sex? But she's saying it's joined in.
What I mean, like move leg. I think he's talking
about threesome. But it doesn't feel like it's for me.
It feels like it's more for her. Is it another person? Yeah?
(37:02):
The persons kind of genital ring ring. Hold on, Hello, Hello,
I'm having trouble watching the impeachment hearings again. The government. Right,
those are classified. They should you should not be turning
them on. Do not turn on the radio, and do
not turn on television to I think I have suspend
(37:24):
on suspends should not be playing this. Uh, this is
just turn it off. Trying to playing reruns right now. Cheez,
they're playing the water games. They're playing the water game hearings. Well,
those are unclassified, so you can continue watching that stuff. Okay,
good for you. And Mr Nixon did funnel money from
(37:45):
the Republican National Committee to his own re election campaign,
so that that's that's what happened. I want to thank
you very much for being a great American. Thank you,
and for for testifying today. Thank you. And now I
turn it over to my esteemed colleague from across the aisle. Hey, uh,
(38:09):
sounds good to me. Did you just wake up? Sounds
good to me? So I guess America one tonight, America
wins forever. This is your time, Senator, and we are out.
That felt good, everybody, really good work. Everybody should Why
are you asking me to that felt good? Okay, that
felt good? Huh what do you say? Kids? Here's some
hot dogs wrapped up in bagel bites? Why did you
(38:32):
combine two foods. Mom, I wanted to do something exciting
for Saturday night, Sarah, Sarah, Connie, I'll be upstairs to second.
What the hell is this bagel bites and hot dogs?
It's little tiny hot dogs are poisoning the kids healthy,
healthy diet. Bagels are healthy. Bagels. Hot dogs are naughty? Wow? Hello, Hey,
(38:58):
this is the government you called earlier. Yeah, how's the
Peach days? Listen? Can I hang out with you guys today? Um,
I'm going through some issues over here at the like
and you know this number, so I imagine you are
up there. Do you like bagel bites wrapped hot dogs
(39:20):
wrapped in bagel bites? What is going on? Two different foods?
I know, it's just that's what we have. Yeah, it'll
do which. I have your address here, alright, one to
five sex Clancy Avenue. I'll be there a little bit, thanks, guys. Okay, Sarah, look,
I I gotta take some time away from my so okay,
come on please. These are just basically saucy picks and
a blanket. It's it's it's like I get it's but
that's a croissant cover. Look, please to don't leave me
(39:43):
with these kids. I care about you, and I love
you as a friend. Number one, I always love you
as a friend. We're married the father, and I think
being friends with who you're married with is a really
big deal. It is is Look, I'll bring these carrots
down stairs. Here, these these your fresh, already peeled cut carrots. Off.
I love what you're doing. I love the effort you're
putting in now, but I gotta take some time for me,
(40:06):
and that time might be a couple of decades. What
at that time also might be a new family. Here's
a new family. Yeah, so I I love you as
a friend. You're a good friend of me. Hold on,
what if I said that we could have that new
family with our family? Would all be a bigger, happier
fair Sarah, I wish that was a case with I'm sorry, mom?
Why why are you sobbing? I'm not sobbing. I've got
(40:28):
a bad cold and it's okay. Dad kind of sucks.
We all know it. Really. Yeah, so I'm the cool mom. Yeah,
you're cool. You have met new foods that we don't need.
Thank you. Well, you're dad left. This is the best
house to visit. Yeah, well, you're pretty much part of
this family. Okay, thank you. You'll meet somebody else. I mean,
(40:48):
the government's coming soon. So your government is coming over. Sorry,
I should have checked to you first, but you're in
the middle of getting broken up with you can't have
a government here. Hey, Jude, you sorry to call you
so late. Yeah, that's it's wondering if maybe you could
sign a warrant for me. Sure, whatever you want, warrant
for friendship. I don't need to know what it is.
I appreciate it. Thanks so much. So how do you
(41:09):
why do we do this? You like like I just
got a standard warrant for him. Okay, I'll leave it.
I'll put my signature and you can. I'll just leave it. Blake,
you can fill in there. Hey, Judge, what are we
doing tonight? You know what? Whatever you want? Whatever I want?
Huh yeah, how aboudy bend over? Okay, all right, judge
(41:32):
my sentences. Whatever I want. Okay, I want to make
it realistic. Okay, uh freeway trash pick up for six
months sold? Sweet? I killed four guys. Hell open up.
My name is Jim. I'm with the government. My kids
(41:53):
told me you were coming. Here's my warrant. Oh, I
can enter the premises. Now where are these kids, friendship? Well,
they're in the basement. You're beautiful, not gonna what you are? Beautiful. No,
I'm a government man, so I can only tell the
what I have to say, the truth. You have to
say the truth. You don't just have to say nice things.
Oh no, no, no no. As a matter of fact,
a lot of my job is saying bad things. All right,
(42:14):
the boys are in the basement, and you know what,
I'm going to cook up a healthy snack like carrots
and celery. No thanks, Do you have anything odd? And
shouldn't maybe shouldn't go together? What if I said that
I could make a taco croissade. It's like a taco
but instead of a shall it to croissade? You just
got more beautiful? God, go downstairs, Go downstairs. Hey, bellas good.
(42:40):
He'll phone me at the mouth, a little dirty fucker.
We're making so many calls. We're about to call Dominoes.
You want to call? Oh wow, that sounds like a
lot of fun. You know I need this right now?
I need this? Ye okay, Dominoes Russell Road. Hey, can
I get um to medium pizzas Pepperoni? I'll keep my
(43:01):
card Okay, that's going great, guys, this this is going great.
Um okay, so my now this is on Clancy Yeah, Clancy,
Chris okay, and uh so my members four to four,
six to two, expression one Okay, that's not enough digits
to be a credit card? Got him? I feel so.
(43:23):
Hey Clayton, we're gonna have to let you go from Demos.
What that's that's how many calls are people calling it
up with you? Look, I'm getting cranked, Clayton. I'm sorry,
this is this is hurting Demos. Look, I'm sorry that
we're making the pizzas before the sale is complete. But
you know my staff loves to make pizza. Clayton, I
I don't want to do this, but you gotta go.
(43:45):
You're under arrest. I'm under arrest. You're under arrest. Shouldn't
this at least go before the county board. I'm sorry, Clayton.
I don't make the rules. You're under RUSS. You're going
to jail. Long time Clayton, bad news. The really lexic daisical,
easy going judges off tonight. No, this guy is real
tough shit, real tough. What do we have here? Hey? Guys?
(44:08):
Can we make uh? Can we make one more call. Yeah,
all right? Can you can you call my wife Linda?
Linda very very funny? Wow? Um sure, I mean we
don't know her number. Do you want to just start
randomly down like until we get her? No, I can
just give it to you and okay, take some of
the fun out of it. Maybe, uh, I don't know.
(44:29):
Maybe feel test the waters with her, see how she's
feeling about her relationship with me. You're sad, yeah, but
came here me good? All right? Scott resident Chet speaking
hello something? This is this is Chet speaking hello Chet.
(44:52):
Who is it? Who's on the phone. I don't know, babe.
I'll be right back so much. I love you too,
chet Chet. This is Jim with the government, Linda's husband. Oh,
I was just making love of your wife? Is your
is your refrigerator? Running Man Classic? It's actually your refrigerator.
(45:17):
I can't do this and I'm stocked it full of
Trader Joe's. I can't do this. I can't break it
cross coming down? What do I do? What I say? Okay,
I'm gonna fucking murder you. Oh my god. Some of
(45:44):
those his wife his wife's lover. What? Oh? These are good?
These are delicious. Give me that phone? What Star sixty
nine Prescott Residents chet speaking? Yeah, well this who's chat chat?
Are you Linda? Uh? This is chat I'm making love
(46:04):
to Linda currently. I guess I'm confused. I thought that
you were going to join us me. Really, I was
under the impression that you were the wife of you
know what, dominoes. I love Dominoes. Just call upstairs. Hold
on one second, where are you going? I just gotta
go upstairs to finish this phone calls accorded phone? Why
(46:27):
don't I'm just kidding when when I shout down to
hang up the phone, you guys, hang up the phone.
I'm gonna use my upstairs phone. Okay, okay, I'll be upstairs. Okay,
hold on one don't don't hang up the phone, honey.
I have warned me. This is a wild night. Yeah,
I mean doesn't even doesn't get us crazy the government.
(46:47):
This is crazy than anything happened to the government. Hang
up the phone. Yeah, we're hanging it up up click click. Okay,
so I might not be able to come over, but
I can have phones X right now. All right, okay,
you get you get me started? Oh god, hanging up No, listen.
(47:07):
Listen to your mom. Listen to your mom. This is
good for you. All right, I'm gonna put the phone
on my on my genitals. I want you to. I
want you to make loud noises to the vibrations, you know,
do the thing chet wow. Ah, so weird. She was
(47:29):
supposed to get him going. All right, did that work
for you? That worked? Okay, I'm gonna do it for
you now. Okay, Hey, you guys think my uh my
wife misses me. I don't know. She's always Actually another
guy and his mom is involved in this three phone
sex thing, and I think you should move on or
be celibate for a little bit. I mean, that's what's hurting.
(47:50):
You can't hurt. You can't hurt or like, I need
a dad. Now, maybe you can raise me? No, no, no, okay,
never mind what did the president it? No? And when
did he know it? The president knew everything, and he
knew it from the very beginning. Oh, this is this
is hard stuff. Well this is good. I'm a nonpartisan
(48:12):
government employee. I am a five star accountant and I
have been working for every president since nineteen all right, well,
then I'd like to cross question what makes you feel
like you're so important subjective subjectively called the government again.
(48:37):
Oh hello, Hello, this is Marvin. You've got to stop
calling here. This is the government. We got important things
going on. I'm watching Suspend and uh there's some good
Watergate stuff happening. Now listen, when you say suspend, it
is like nails on a trunk board. It is c
span what it's You're saying it wrong. Maybe they're saying
(48:59):
it wrong. No, you're saying it wrong. Marvin. You're wasting
our time. This is a government. We are you gonna
put out some new episodes, new episodes. The new stuff
is classified. Well I want to see it. Will wait
seventy years? Oh my turning question? Okay, uh um, what
(49:20):
is is it? His tournament? You were in the middle
of your favorite baseball team. M what is your favorite
baseball Yeah, I'm going. I'm leading. I'm leading him. Umbly,
you're under oath. May I remind you you are under oath.
I yield the remainder of my time to the Senator.
Thank you Baltimore, Baltimore or Orioles. And there you have it,
(49:41):
ladies and gentlemen, there you have I yield the remainder
of my time to all the America to the pig,
to the pig. Actually, I'm just a zimbol centator of tugging,
which I recognized as the pig from Kentucky, like I'm
owner one. When did the president burn the tapes? And
d no, No, I think that's good. That's good. Do
(50:06):
I have to answer that? Do I have to answer that? Yeah?
You do? When do I get my funk on? That
was a second question. When does he? When does he
get his funk on? Oh? Well, also when do you
get your fun on? I I get my funk on
every every birthday and holiday with my my wife. And
the president burned the tapes immediately after the indictment was made.
(50:29):
Thank you. I think that sheds some light on things.
And then my knees called him. I got him. I'll
hear my book. Thank you, thank you. Well, hey, it's
been nice hanging out with your boys or your your
child and his friend. Um, the snacks were delicious. Um,
could you could you give me a rand home? Mrs
murmur Yeah, I have a good day. What we're by
(50:56):
the way, I think you climax so hard that you
forgot you were in your own home. You are home.
I want to go to your home. Chet's waiting for me,
and so is Linda. I need you to watch the kid,
my child, your child, yours? Now? Yeah, I'll give you
a ride. Thanks. Hey, hey, squirt, Hey, you're coming with me?
(51:21):
What you're coming with us? Really? Can I bring these
Totino's pizza rolls? Hell? Yeah? And that's our show for
real this time. Let's go ahead and beg your alchemists
and see what they're up to. Chris Alvarado, Hey, I'm
up to so much stuff, guys, I'd love to improvise.
I do improv comedy everywhere. My name is at Chris
(51:41):
Alvarado on Instagram, Sweet Joey Great at jeby Greeber on
the tweets and on Instagram. Check out Goodnight my Sketch
Comedy album on Amazon, iTunes, All that Ship, Spotify. It's free.
Bear supply every second and fourth Wednesday, nine o'clock at
the west Side Comedy Theater. Pretty Pretty Pony Yeah for Thursday.
First Thursday Day at Westside Comedy Yeah. Greig Kakowski at
(52:03):
Kakowski on Twitter. Also follow at Orange Tucks Improv for
improv shows with my wife Carla, Sweet James and I
just love it when you guys follow me on the
ratings and the reviews. And I've a lot of more
five star great reviews, but I'd like to take attention
to one by Mr Colt forty five. I listened to
seventy different that's what his name is on Apple podcasts
(52:26):
from Canada. I listened to seventy podcasts a week. This
is the first each Tuesday and Thursday that I make
sure I've downloaded before I work in the morning. Absolutely
gets me going first thing in the morning, by far,
and without a doubt, the funniest podcast I've found. Four
out of five stars. What the what do we have
(52:46):
to do? Mr? Come on, it's possible that it's an accident.
I just wanted to five stars is actually four stars. Yeah,
it's a different news. We like it. It gives us
something to work to our Yeah that's good, mean, funniest
like maybe he's sorry it's a drama person, you know,
they like the heavier stuff. I keep coming back and
(53:08):
seeing if it's changed, and it doesn't. I don't think
they're gonna change. Maybe now think you hear that? Cult
forty five get to it, Take a star away, James,
don't do that. I mean, you know I'll give you.
Don't take stars away. Come on, stars, if we're the
funniest around, give us five fucking stars. WHOA don't make
(53:29):
me come to Canada. You know you know where, you
know where he can see this and set all this
San Francisco, because we're gonna be at sketch Fest. That's right.
Get tickets for that, that's right, Sunday Janum at the
Gateway Theater. Go to s sketch Fest dot com. Come
see Alchemy This live. Dare you could? I dare you
to come. Dare you to do it? That's for it
for our show today, Let's thank our engineer Doug Maybe,
(53:53):
our post sound design artist Raphael Brito. Encourage all of
you to write a review. Tell everyone you've ever met
and write to us at your name here at alchemy
this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy this
dot com. Until next time,
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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