June 9, 2020 • 58 mins
Jacinda Ardern kidnapped by US in bid to change leadership.
QVC host goes on a thrill ride with an Aquarius gem.
Bear Grylls takes “James Heaney” on a wilderness survival trip.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Well, welcome back to another episode about hum this cardition.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock, Yes that Kevin Pollock. No, No,
it turns out love is, in fact not all we need.
And yes, the otherwise brilliant John Lennon was a damn liar,
but I agree. Let's meet her. Uncom to show me
no particular order, please say hello to Mr James. He
need Johnny Jim. If you could wear Joey Greer as
(00:25):
a hat, would you tell anyone who asked about it? Uh?
If I wore Joey Greer as a hat and someone
asked me about it, I would imagine it would be
an emotional thing to talk about. I would probably break
down and cry because if I'm wearing him as a hat,
he is just you know, a carcass of his old body, right,
(00:46):
So I don't think I would tell them. I think
I would be I would say, you know what, I'm
I can't talk about this right now. He is a
dear friend, and I keep him with me as a
hat now all right? Well, in my version, just so
you know, Joey uh gave consent and and has the
ability to form himself into a hat for you, I
would probably have a little card that said all of
(01:09):
the things that needed to be said, because if I
had to get wrapped up into the emotional story of
him giving me his his you know, body, Yeah you know, yeah,
I do know. I think we all do. Please welcome back,
Jessica love Solo. You want to go tell everyone about
your first experience witnessing a magic trick? Um? I think
(01:35):
I was four or five. I was wildly aroused and intrigued.
Great face from Chris Alvarado. Um, say hey to cold
Stratton motor City man. What is your least favorite condiment?
And why? Oh that's tough. I don't handle spice very well,
(01:59):
so any ing this like a spicy like hot sauce.
I did say, hot sauce, Hot sauce, fair enough. Look
the hell out it's Christoph Verado, Christoph post Waltz. What
time of morning are your rising these days? Um? Between
six am and seven fift am? Could you be more specific?
(02:23):
My puppies bladder starts to send signals at about that time. Yeah.
One of our cats pounces on the younger one is
a bratt teenager pounces on the twelve year old every
morning when he would like breakfast so it's the cries
of the twelve year old of cat speak, get the
funk off me that alerts us, Oh, it's seven fift
(02:45):
time defeat the cat. But I certainly digress. Hey, there's
Caroline Cotter, Caroline Dancer. Of all the dances from your youth,
which do you feel you weren't horrible at um? I
don't know if this counts as a dance, but the
first thing I thought of is when I was like
(03:06):
really young, I would pretend to be like a dog
and chase my sister Round was very effective at scaring her,
So I think that was the best. That's such a dance.
You need to give it a name. All right, Let's
get to the damn show. Almost all of our scene
(03:27):
suggestions are gathered from listener emails. If you'd like to
submit yours, please write to the podcast at your name
here at alchemy this dot com. That's your name here
at alchemy dot com. Se number one is from Kylie
in New Zealand, who wrote Kaya Aura and hello, you're
all awesome, blah blah. You've heard this from me. Before
(03:49):
cutting cutting to the chase, I'm seeing world headlines that
everyone wants our prime minister to lead their countries. You
can't have her, But how about a scene that see
is just Sinda Ard when I saying her name, right,
aardn A R d E R n Arden or uh
(04:11):
seeing just into kidnapped by the US in a bid
to change their leadership. Meanwhile, keep doing what you're doing,
love y'all, Kylie, Okay, we've got the Prime minister approaching
the podium here in just about three minutes. I'm sorry,
(04:31):
I'm sorry, just to just to clarify. I don't please
keep this between you and I. Where is she the
Prime Minister of I just talked to him. I have
to help me on this. I have to. I have
to have to confess. I also don't don't know. Okay,
well it was in the email from news. We'll just
share it with us because protect her and yeah, yeah,
(04:53):
the email we got about her. For the record, right now,
we're protecting every woman and that's not reone. So we'd
like to take her back to us US. I mean,
you want to take her back to the United States? Yes, yeah, right,
but she's the Prime Minister of New Zealand, so that's it. Yes,
you got it? Four ten four, You guys are supposed
(05:17):
to be just keeping an eye on Sector four. What's
what's going on? Yeah, yeah, it's fine here, it's good everything.
Let me see everything clear? Sector four? Quick? Okay, all right,
well she's due here in about a minute, so um
and just be quick and just like, what, like, what's
her like? What does she kind of look like? Generally speaking,
(05:37):
I'll text both of you a photo. That'd be great.
She's she's pretty. She's pretty. She's the prime minister. She's
a pretty prime minister. I've never Reynolds. Can we keep
this professional for a fucking sex sorry, Reynolds, come on,
come on, Okay. You know Stockholm syndrome? Am I aware
(05:58):
of it? Yeah? Uh yeah, what what brings it to mine? Reynolds?
I don't know. I just think she's pretty. I'm gonna kidnapper.
Do you think there's a chance she'll get Stockholm syndrome?
You're gonna kick You're you're gonna kid Are you not
part of the Wait a second, Reynolds, I don't think
he's a part of he's not part of this operation.
Never mind, never mind. I'm your boss, Sector Force. Pretty day,
(06:20):
Sector four go blank for a while? Yep, yep, thank
you sector four sector too. Are you ready? She's she's
dude down your hallway in less than a minute. Oh
ship really yeah, oh my god. Okay, my buddy just
went to uh use the restroom. We thought we had
(06:41):
more time. Your buddy, Yeah, my buddy, my my, you know,
my buddy. He's assigned to this task with me. You
want to use the restroom you're talking about Thompson. Yeah, Thompson. Well,
I want to make it clear first and foremost. He's
my buddy first and my coworkers second. So my buddy Thompson.
Fair enough, feels good. Okay, it's my channel on it's
(07:03):
my channel on, my channel Thompson. So sorry, almost done. Okay,
I'll be back sick to one right six two sixer too? Two? Okay,
I get turned around. I was just finding a little
sign to what where the bathroom was. Uh, I'll be there,
and when I get there, I'll get there. Yeah, let's
(07:23):
just do Uh. He gets lost in bathrooms and he
gets confused. But but why the rush to the back.
Did you give him hot sauce in his coffee? Did
you do that again? Yeah, it's a prank between buddies.
Come on, it's a buddy prank? Why why is it
a budrank? He's my friend. Do you have any friends? Yeah,
but I don't torture them. It's not torture. It's a prank.
(07:44):
Pranks are different than torture. He's in pain in the bathroom. Yeah,
but I think it's funny. So it's a prank. Got you,
got you, you understand I do. Now. That is kind
of funny. That is kind of funny. It is funnier.
Every kidnapped this woman. I'm sorry, ready to kidnap just however, minister, Yes,
(08:05):
you're gonna Kidnappersindada. We're going to Are you ready to
go out and meet with the people? Yeah? Right, Um, yeah, yeah,
I am Um. I just want to say that you
have been taking such good care of our country. I
(08:28):
am so happy and proud to be in New Zealand. Yeah,
it's it's like great, it's great. Um. Racism is bad,
homophobia is bad, of course, Peace, love and happiness. Yes,
already's already interrupted. Just have the team delivery for Prime Minister. Right,
(08:54):
they can take first SIPs, first SIPs to make sure
sap taste scood. You go, thanks, Recess, Miss Ardom. Just
right this way miss Ardom. We have a podium set
up for you. It's just your South African aid. Yeah. Good,
this way to the podium were set up for you. Great,
(09:20):
good day. My name is just in the Adam and
On the Prime Minister. Um. Sorry, it's like I have
some Manuka honey in the back of my throat. I'm here, Um,
does anyone smell there? It's I'm getting pretty sleepy. Sept
(09:44):
Two Scepter two. What does you smell? I think it
might be from the bathroom from Thompson, from Thompson Thompson
new coffee. Yeah, it's going gonna be a while. Guys.
I'm so sorry. This is why it's not funny. I'm laughing.
The Prime Minister smells it. Okay, well maybe that's good.
(10:04):
We can use it to our advantage. How would we
do that? I don't know. Okay, but I'll figure it out.
Go co co co co co co co? What what what?
I'm sorry, I'm started going. Okay, just don't don't fall
in love. Don't fall in love of course, not, of
course not. That was just theoretical. You're coming with me,
(10:26):
Prime Minister. It's my arm and into this Chapter two.
If you've seen the Prime minister sector too. Yeah, she
ran by us. I wasn't sure if we're supposed to
do anything. We saw a sextor sector ship and sexter
sexter for run by us. Sexy sector for you. Yeah, sorry,
(10:51):
they're hot, right. You don't about Stockholm syndrome? Yes, yeah, sorry,
I just wanna. I don't know anyway. Um, we saw
him run by. Don't know what I should do because
I'm by myself. Thompson is in the toilet. Why is Thompson?
And talk? Alright? Alright, Jacinda, Now you're probably a little scared,
but no needs to be scared. Okay, my name is um,
(11:14):
what's my name? Right? Don't keep your real name, don't
keep care these Reynolds. No, no, no, that's my secret name,
secret and I'm Lollipop secret names Reynolds. And we're here
to tell you that you are safe, but you are
now property of us, well, the US, honestlving slivery Um.
(11:34):
It's not believing, but it's just that you're so good
and and what we have back at home is so
bad and we want we want you to be there.
Sorry Reynolds, you have a piece of hair covering part
of your eye. Can I brush that away? Yes? Please do?
My god, your eyes are so blue? Oh thank you?
(11:58):
I listen. I just want to first foremost say the
Stockholm series syndrome is okay, so you might be experiencing that,
and I'm not gonna take advantage of the situation because
I want you to fall in love with the real
meal Okay, because I think you're pretty here. If I
just lady, would you lie with me? Just fucking she
(12:26):
should turn down the radio. It's good now, we'll just
tag the channel. Okay, okay, well this isn't a channel,
it's a mixtape. Sorry, just I feel I should. I
feel something is happening here. You two are both moving
in slow motion for some reason. Oh us, both of us.
(12:51):
Mm hmm wow. Time seems like it's going so fast though.
It's weird. You got eyelash on your cheek? My fresh
it away? Okay, I think they're falling out of my eyes?
What's going on? What's happening? You want to trick a
(13:11):
decaphobia or whatever it's called. You're pulling on your eyelashes
feeling I was. I was really stressed out earlier. It
doesn't feel good, but I feel like I could see
a gap in eyelashes. Now, all right, Reynolds, don't forget
the mission. The mission is to bring her back to us. Okay, okay, okay, lollypop,
(13:35):
but uh, I got a lot of problems going on
with my with my eyeballs right now. Okay, it's okay,
all right. Uh, we gotta take you now. Oh, and
we know it's against your will, but we'd appreciate it
if you were a little more willing to come along.
Things aren't going well for us back home. It seems
like you could use some help. So I'm perfectly willing
(13:58):
to go with you. It's just that Reynolds isn't the
only one that has a heart that needs to be filled.
And here I'm just standing by and I'm watching you
too move in slow motion, and I hear snow patrol
going on, and it just makes me feel like, well,
I ever find love, you know, I mean, you might
(14:20):
do you need a cuddle? Not from you? What she's
really I mean, I don't know for sure, but she
looks like she's a good cuddler. It might help. I
think she's yours, Reynolds. For some reason, I'm getting to
feel like everybody could I could cuddle with you. Don't
try to do that, Reynolds, look eyebrows. I'm gonna take
a walk. I'm gonna see what's happening over sexter too.
(14:45):
I'm going to sex he too. What I'm going to
sexter too? I mean, I heard what you said. I'm
still waiting for Thompson to get back from the toilet.
It's been a couple of days. Is this how long
it normally takes? I? Oh no, this is my first
time doing a prank like this. I didn't realize you'd
react this strongly to hot sauce. My my misunderstanding earlier
(15:08):
when you said how much you love to prank him
to prank, I assumed that it happened many times. It
was my first prank, So you didn't know how much
hot sauce to put in the coffee? Yeah, put in
two bottles. That seems excessive. He drank the whole damn
thing so well, sure, because he thought it was coffee.
Ye Hi, excuse me? Is this is this six or
two sector too? We're not as sexy as sector four.
(15:33):
I know who you are. You're my boss, but you
we've never met. Obviously, sex years don't often cross I'm
agent Lollipop from Sextra four. No way, my actual name
is Lollipop. What my real name is Lollipop and my
agent name is Johnson. Wow, that's funny because my name
(15:54):
is Todd. But my oh ship. Oh it's okay, we're
being honest, right, real name Todd, a name Lollipops. Okay,
that's fun What have I walked into? Uh? First of all,
what Starbucks did you get that from? I'm gonna write
a complaint email. This is gonna you're gonna freak out.
(16:17):
That was a prank? What I put two bottles of
hot sauce in your cup of coffee? Why would you
do that? I ad been that for days. I must
seven pounds. That's funny. Then that has seen one. Oh baby,
(16:39):
let's go ahead and welcome in jingle Pants himself. Joey
begin see too, Hey Joey, Hello, how you feeling feeling good?
You got the COVID? You got the COVID eighteen? Is
that right? The one right before? Yeah? But you're okay now,
I'm okay. It's actually uh pretty much what happened to
(16:59):
call I was horrible ships from Hot Sauce. I'm okay now, yeah, yeah, well,
thanks for joining. Scene two comes from Katim, who wrote
High Alchemists. You recently used my scene where a hamster
sized family runs a burger joint. It seems like about
six months ago, but let's call it recently. It was
so exciting to hear my suggestion used. I know the
(17:21):
idea is stupid, but it tickled me so much I
had to share it. I have a new suggestion. As
a fellow human enduring the weird state of the world
right now, I think we could all use a healthy distraction.
So my suggestion is to take us away from reality
and to set our weird and to the set of
our weird aunt's favorite TV network, the QVC. Keep being amazing,
(17:49):
Katie M. Yeah, I mean this is a lovely piece.
This is a wonderful piece. This is a hundred percent
aquarius uh diamond crusted here and if you notice, look
at the cut right here and now look at that.
Can we zoom in on this? Can we zoom in
on this camera? Look at this camera four? Look at
the cut on? Look? Sorry what yes? Zooming in? Yeah?
(18:09):
Did you hear him call for a fucking close up?
All right? Well, that's great. Are your ear pods working. No,
I didn't want to say anything, it's too embarrassed. But
they've been broken. That's great because you know Bluetooth sucks
up everything. Now, can we zoom out? Can we zoom
out on this for a second? Can we zoom out
on this second? If you just just just to give
her bigger, just to give a macro look on this,
(18:31):
what this looks? Just look at this on my hand,
and look at the way it falls on my hand.
Look at that, and that's those are not attractive hands.
So pull back even further. Pull back. Okay, thank you
pulling back Jesus Christ. Now can we get the camera
to follow me outside? And look how it looks when
I'm walking outside? Okay, now, look how it looks when
I'm walking outside? Right now, you're not you're not gonna
(18:52):
get that. You're ready to steady cam outside. I just
picked it up and I'm walking with it. Okay, all right? Three,
you're outside already waiting for camera two and the host
come out camera three? Yeah, what are you doing? I
don't know you guys. You guys are sending differing messages
all the time. I don't know what to zoom in is.
(19:12):
I'm out. Honestly, I was just outside with my camera.
I didn't even realize that we're gonna be shooting out here.
Watched me and I watched me walk over here, and
watch me over here. Is this your car, sir? Is
this your car? What the hell? Get out of the car,
so get out of there. Watched we use this to
get in the car. Get out of the car. Okay,
get out the car. Okay. Now, now now watch how
I drive with it. I'm just look how look at
the cut of this. Look at this camera. Two get
(19:33):
the car. Okay, in the car. Okay. They're driving away.
I can't keep up with them with my camera. I
don't know. Yeah, no, you're in the parking lot. It's great.
It's a great view of the car driving away. Thank you.
Camera should be sending up the KVC chopper. Yes, Jim, Stacy,
(19:53):
are you too ready to go in the in the
KVC chopper? I am ready to go. Okay, Stacy, what
happened to Jim? I'm not thrilled. I'm not thrilled. Jim.
Can we not? I don't know? Can we not? I
need you to stay focused, Jim and stays. I'm calling
(20:14):
them Paul for that Aquarious diamond, the necklace, uh bracelet
watch that was there? You had that item number six
for six or six six six six six six, So
what is your purchase number? Well, I just wanted to
enquire about that that Aquaries baby by'mbing that bracelet watch.
(20:36):
I need that bracelet watch. I need it. Maybe you
know I'm looking at it. I just wanted to enquire about.
I just want to see. Don't inquire, don't acquire hip hop,
purchase it all right, Just I'm just walk into the
bathroom for a second. Here. Credit card never, credit card never? Yeah, look,
I don't got a credit card. But I can facts
you pictures of money. Will that work? Legitimate money? Yeah?
(21:00):
I made a poopy in the colling. I made a
big old poopy. It looks like a little shards of bark.
I don't know what I ate last now, but it
didn't feel nast coming out of my poop I got.
It does look like pieces of wood. This is nuts
and it is firm to the touch. I don't uh, Hey, Papa, Papa,
(21:23):
did you order did you order number six four six
six six six six six. I told all the kids
at school I was gonna bring it in for showing
town tomorrow. Yeah, of course I did, Roger, Yeah, I
look at that. Just it's just everyone, just stay outside
the bathroom door for a second. Excuse me, this is
your neighbor. I came in from next door. Somebody went
(21:43):
to town. On the tree in my front yard it's
missing all its bark. And you know that's a heritage tree.
It's been alive from four hundred years. So you gonna
have to buy me a new tree. Hey, Trace, look
not not right now. I'm on the phone QVC. Alright, now,
toilet tours are got the impeace and quiet. And now
look I got a fax machine in here, and I
got loose cash laying around. I'm trying to make a
(22:04):
goddamn person show. My child can go to the show
and tell cash. Trace, you wouldn't know anythink about that.
You broke some bit. All right. We are now following
the unit. They're hopping onto they're hopping on to the
five to north. I gotta tell you, she is reaching
speeds that we're not equipped to follow up. Frankly, she's dangerous.
(22:27):
She's out of control. We're thinking of throwing a spike
script down. Yeah, let's do that. Spike shrip. Okay, we
gotta get cameras. Cameras two operated to Yeah, I just
have to say camera to here. Um uh so the
cords that attached my camera to um I think where
the cameras go is it's detached. Are you in the car, yeah,
(22:48):
I'm sitting under the passenger seat right now. If you
just look, if you will, just look at look at
how the aquarius look, how we look. Just look how
at ninety a hundred, a hundred and twenty. It's still
structurally sound. Now, this is quality. And keep up. We
can't keep up? All right? Come on back to base too. Okay,
(23:08):
but she's in the I can't. I'm sorry, man. Can
you turn the car around once I finished this sale? Okay?
Nobody's this is not recording is it's not attacked to anything?
Can you turn around? I feel unsafe? Just one more.
I just want to show it, Jim. Oh god, okay, okay,
she just burst through a fucking barrier. There's water everywhere.
People are bleeding and dying. She's knocked. Stop now just
(23:32):
look look at look how it looks right now over
my exposed rip cage. Do you see that? Oh? See
that there? Do I have to stay inside this parking
a lot. I feel like my shift is pretty much up.
There's nothing to film out here. Can I branded get
into my office right now? Yeah? But Jim, get the
(23:52):
hell out of here, I said, Brandon today, Sorry, what
the hell do you think that? Jim? Get the in here? Yeah? Yeah, Jim, Yes,
You've got damn it, Brandon, you stay. This is god
This is part of the god damn problem. You too,
assholes rollers going to engine just doing a those lolligag
instead of working. All right for Buddy workers Buddy system.
(24:12):
I disbanded the Buddy system when I took over, didn't I? Yeah,
I got rid of the pool, didn't I? Yes? Okay, good,
all right, so that's done. We don't need a Buddy system, okay,
rather than the history lesson. Is there a reason you
called us into your office. I'm trying to run a
damn network. Well, I'm trying to run the network that
you're running the network up here? Okay. Now, I have
(24:33):
too many goddamn PBC reports running outside the studio. The
cords are getting snatched off, and I'm not getting the
feed too many, too many. I need them to stay
in the goddamn studio. All right, one camera operator lost
her cave one, and I hear from you. I guess, uh, well,
I didn't putting in that kind of perspective. I guess
(24:55):
I kind of react to them. Seventy two cameras, seventeen stages,
I lost one can. Yeah, you know, I'm having trouble
at home. Oh man, what's going on? All my dogs
and cats they've right, they've kind of I don't know
what's the word. You've got to stay all my dogs
(25:18):
and cats. They're creating a new language, and they've excluded
me from it. And I can tell her I'm a
lot of fun. Okay, this is us in a chopper.
We're officially at a fuel and we are going down.
We are going down. This is a mate, a mate?
Can you land anywhere near a gas station? Uh? What's
(25:40):
how this works? It sounds like something she would say,
are you kidding me? Right now? Right now? Let's do
this right now? All right? And now this mattress right
here is oh soft. You're not gonna find anything softer
(26:02):
than this. Now, Jim, why don't you get on the
mattress here? Just lay down for a second, Jim, line
the mattress Jim, come on, come on, this is this
is one of the camera Jim. This is Jim o'donald.
I don't usually go on camera. I get Jim come
on here. Oh he's sweating a lot of Jim, come on,
I don't want to be on camera. This is this
is Jim o'donna who, Jim, come over here for a second.
(26:23):
Please don't use my name. He is sweating. Jim, come
in for a second. I just lay it on this bed.
Feel how soft this bed is? Uh? Oh, you are
wet soft? How I'm calling in about the mattress and
we got a caller on area go for it. I
went to school with Jim o'donna who. He's a real
piece of ship. But okay, what isn't really calling about
(26:47):
the mattress? But Jim looks like you got fans out there. Huh.
Now tell me how soft this mattress is? Huh it's
really really soft. It's uh. I feel like the problem
is that I can feel the thing is so soft
I could the box spring underneath them. Do you want
me to zoom in on how wet he's making the
(27:08):
mattress with the sweat. Yes, yes, it's just like it's
really soft, but my body is not able to It's
just like I feel like I'm curling up inside of it. Tommy,
I'm gonna kill Jim's mike, So stop talking to him
and sell the Yeah, so right now, look how it's
(27:29):
off this pillow and if I put it in Jim's mouth.
All right, look at that. Look at that? There you go,
look at that. Now, this mattress right now retails if
you go to a store, is probably gonna cost you
two three million dollars. But if you call PVC right now,
we're going to sell this mattress for a hundred and
twenty dollars. Alright, mattress king staff. Yeah, they're around. I've
(27:51):
been told that we need to lower our prices. What
bull like. I know. I thought that this mattress was
worth one to three million dollars. We all agreed that,
but we're getting priced out by QVC. They're coming way lower,
like a tenth of the price. So if I made
we're getting we're getting factses of cold, hard cash. I
(28:14):
mean the proof is right here on this, on this
black and white paper. Here, you can see that's real money, sir.
Those twenties I've seen, I've seen the facts is and
that's great, but the factors are coming in. No one
is picking up the mattresses. And I tried, uh depositing
the factses at our bank and they laughed me out
of there. So well, this might be a good time
(28:37):
to to go back to our core values as a
network first first and foremost. I think we can should
all just say what QVC stands for, just as a reset,
as a touchdowne Wait, why do we want to say
we got a spy, We got a spy, get us
(28:59):
our put him on that firm mattress? All right, Jesus Christ, clear,
what the hell? Everybody? Everybody knows it's quality value cats.
I mean why, I'm from Casper. Okay, I'm from Casper.
We don't give a fuck if you guys sell beads
or you sell fucking purses, but stay out of the
(29:21):
mattress game. All right. Well, if you're Casper, we're going
to turn you into a fucking ghost right now, all right,
into a Jesus clear, you got him? Holy fuck, Oh
my god, I'm sick. Just let us there's so much.
(29:42):
Don't get it on the money. Don't let him bleed
on the money. Pictures of money. Let's put his head
on a steak and deliver it to Casper head quarters
as a warning. Now, and now I've look at this,
look at these socks, I'm gonna se I went on
my foot here. Okay, now, don't mind the dangles. Okay,
(30:03):
I got really sharp toe nails. And then let's get
the other one there. Now, look at these socks. Okay, now,
these are a hundred What are they? What are the plastic?
These are a plastic tone cutting through the Yeah no,
let's not do that. Funny, but let's not sorry on
(30:24):
the stupid face. Right now, these are These are on
sale right now. Normally these would cost anywhere from um
several pounds of car but we're gonna we're gonna offer
these right now for the low low lo lo lo
low low super low price, so low you can touch
the ground. The price for these socks are gonna arrange
(30:46):
right now if you get if you buy the bundle
price for these socks so low, it's you're gonna go.
That's crazy. Though, there's no way they're I'm calling in.
I just you gotta tell me the price because I
can't deal with this anymore. How low is this price
I also have shriky feet. Oh, ma'am. Oh, yes, well,
(31:07):
then these are the socks for you. These a plastic.
They do not conform to the foot, they do not bend.
These socks are what you want, what you need. Okay,
right now, the price for these socks are so low, ma'am,
So help me God, if you don't tell me the price.
But those god dead and plastics sucks, I'm gonna kill
you myself. Now we have to take a commercial break,
but we will be right back. But I'm gonna say
(31:30):
that price when we get back. Okay, Man, you're gonna
stay in the lane. You're gonna take it to Philadelphia. Mom,
why are you packing all those guns into that touffel bag?
So care my god, I wanted some plastics sucks, and
and then man wouldn't tell me how much they Gosh,
(31:50):
I'm god to finish. I had it. The world is
bad right now and I need to cash fucking rockets.
So you are just I'm gonna put some goddamn cereal
and some milk in the fridge. They're both gonna be
in the fridge. You take care of yourself, You take
care of your brother. I'm gonna take care of some business. Okay, well,
(32:15):
hurry home please. No, I'm gonna take my time. It's
gonna be fun, okay, right now, Yeah, you're the boss.
Just say the price. Just say the price, and she'll
let us all go. Just say the price when we
get back from commercial price Why and so then she
(32:40):
knows no one else knows. She hoards all the plastic socks.
I'm gonna count to ten one, wait till she gets
to two, and then say the price. I don't know
what happened after TV. Jim. Just wait till she gets
to the number two said, she just said to Wit.
(33:04):
What am I supposed to What am I supposed to say? Yeah?
But she already past two. So what do I do now?
I'm not gonna say. I'm just wait till she gets
to seven. Where's my mom? Well? She she went, Um,
I think she just said that I'm the boss. Now right,
you're not the boss. I'll get the door. Get off,
(33:26):
Actually get the door get off from me. Mother. Hello,
I'm the man at the house right now, So how
can I help you? Pull? Then you're under arrest? Wait, Tyler, Sorry,
I'm just I'm just the brother. I'm so scared. He's
(33:47):
the man of the You gotta get this kid. He's scared.
We gotta get this kid out of here. Do you
like mattresses? Son? Do you like mattresses? Yeah? Shut the
hell up. Well, please don't cuff me under his mattress.
He has pictures of naked boobs and marijuana. Your pictures
of boobs in marijuana? Uncoffin, You're under arresting. Thank you.
(34:14):
Oh wait, why would you uncoff me? Cow boos? The
cow boobs. Oh, we already did it. Uh, that is
scene tool bla blah blah blah blah. How much were they?
Well that well the plastic socks? Yeah, how we never
(34:37):
got back mcguffin of the scene. It is the mcguffin.
But if the audience listening, our wonderful listeners would like
to ride into the podcast, your name here, just dot
com and tell us the price the closest to the price,
we'll get a dream date with Joey griff So we'll see. Yeah,
(35:03):
come to us from Andrey who wrote high Alchemists could
bear Grills. Take James Heeney on a survival trip through
the wilderness. Now, James, we made a promise, or I
made a promise to all the Alchemists, they would no
longer have to portray themselves. So if you'd like to
play Joey Greer in this, that'd be great. However you'd
like to do, we want to send you on a mission.
(35:24):
Are you familiar with bear grills? I am familiar with
bear grills, but I think the more appropriate thing would
be somebody else playing James Heeney, because then we're not
then we're not playing ourselves. I mean, I'll do it,
but I don't know if you want to tap out
of the scene. I don't think it would be right
for me to do it. It might be offensive. All right,
(35:47):
then I'll do it. I'll be sick. I gotta get
into character really quick. Okay, you're gonna do it as
Joey Greer. No, I'm gonna do it is me. I'm
gonna honor the request. Either I'll do it as me
or somebody else. You could do it as me. Joe,
you want to sure, I'll be James. Okay, thank god, Joe.
You don't need the redhead wig. I need it, honestly,
(36:08):
what do you do it? I can't help that looks good.
You look like it. You look like punkert. Alright, load
into the truck, you guys, we're gonna take you to
the drop off point. Mr Grell's, it's a real pleasure
(36:29):
to meet you, sir. It's my pleasure. I really like
taking people out to taking people out and seeing if
they know how to survive. Who's your celebrity guest this week,
Mr Grills. We've got a podcast celebrity named James Heeney, says,
one of the bravest men around. Oh, that's exciting, but
(36:52):
it sounds like you said, podcast celebrity. That's pretty They're
they're really quick, really quick. They're um, you're you're trying
to amert an accent today? Yeah, hold on a second. Okay,
(37:14):
we are approaching. We are approaching the drop off point here.
Now I'm sorry, I was supposed to meet with Bear Grills.
I haven't met with Bear Grills yet. Yeah you're here, Okay, okay, So, um,
we're gonna drop you off here. Now. I need to
take any any phones away from you, any food, uh
(37:35):
and that includes mints gum okay, and James can take
your shirt off for us, please what we need to
leave that shirt? Uh? Okay, Okay, thank you, Okay, no
one else taking off the shirt. No, just you and Bear.
You and Bear are going to be Uh, you're gonna
(37:56):
be going through this alone. Um a couple of about
words of advice. Bear is um a loner frankly, um,
but he will not let you die if you don't
let you die. Good? Okay, great? And hey, I love
your podcast. You're such a podcast celebrity. Thank you. Just
(38:17):
make sure to like and subscribe and if you could
also just make a review. Make make a review, right review? Okay,
right with you, and then if we write, if the
review is good, then I'll read it on air. Thank you.
Okay a bear, you're ready to rock? I'm ready to rock?
I mean is this James? Yes? There you go? All right?
(38:42):
Well where are we going today? Uh? What is the
wilderness that we're hitting today? Say we're done these days? Uh?
The wilderness? Um? Sorry, I just heard your accent and
I want to I can't help but do it. You're
not to the accent that you're not doing an accent.
I'm clearly from Britain, right, So when I say gilderness,
(39:09):
James Heeney, what does it mean to you? Wilderness James
Heeney makes me think of wild James Heeney. I would
be some somewhere off, maybe in the forest or jungles um.
I'd have clothes made out of sticks and twigs. Have
you ever had to survive off the wilderness? James Heeney, Ah, okay,
(39:37):
this is we're gonna leave you. We're leaving you now.
You have no medical help, no other help, and by
have a good episode or show or whatever you're doing,
and that's how they always leave. It's okay, we've got
at least six hours before nightfall. Oh that's uh, that's
(40:00):
a Tiberian wolf that were here in the background. Are
you afraid of that? James Ceeney, Yes, I was so scared.
Bear Please let me let me hide inside your shirt?
Why am I the only one shirtless? Well, the thing
is is that you, your body is what's really everybody
wants to see. So you're kind of a guest. That's
(40:22):
pretty a little flare to the show. Hello, Hello, oh,
hey you two. I got a pizza here for James Heeney.
What the James did you order a pizza? Yeah? I
was gonna get hungry. I got a pepperoni pie for
James Ceene's that you either of you. I'm not James Cenie.
I'm bear cry. You don't recognize me on my accent? Oh? Rick,
(40:49):
are you sure you want to take this pizza out there?
It's totally out of the delivery zone. That's cool, man, Hey,
it's literally it's in the it's look where, Look where
the dot is. Look where you're supposed to drawp this.
You're gonna have to chop her in. It's you're not
gonna make enough tips. I had this an adventure. I'm
super excited for this, all right, man. I just hope
it doesn't get cold. It's gonna take you several hours
(41:11):
to get over there. You've got the Dominoes chopper ready,
you bet, sweet, I'll fire it up for you, all right. Hey,
you the pilot of the Dominoes chopper. Yeah, you're taking
me to see uh this James Heney guy. He's out
there in the Willeress somewhere. Oh damn, that's sick as nut. Yeah.
(41:33):
We're gonna have to deliver this in under thirty minutes though,
you're down. Yeah. I love to deliver. Usually I only
use the chopper to do local neighborhood deliveries, but I'm
down for a challenge. Okay, cool, did you get the
courtnets or whatever they're called? No, just tell me where
it kind of point me. I like having a co pilot,
kind of telling where to goes. Okay, cool, just start
up over there, up to the right there. How long
(41:56):
you've been piloting for domino like two years? Yeah? What's
the weirdest place you've been doingfore? That? My mom's house.
You let me take that fuck damn Holly ship. Some
(42:18):
stroke was that? I thought that was a cigarette? No,
it's garbage packed. I never have smoked drugs before. I
can't fly for Dominoes and smoke. We dude, Rebecca, what
Well we did a poo and pizza. We mixed them together,
(42:40):
and we found we found some bark in the ship. Okay,
I was eating a tree. Well, here are Dominoes. We
don't we don't like that. Well, there's something wrong with
that because you're flying a plank. I thought my understanding
was Mr Reynolds, is that My understanding, Mr Reynolds is
(43:07):
that I just couldn't do any kind of drugs. I
don't drink. I only smoked two packs of cigarettes today,
but otherwise I do absolutely nothing. Rebecca, we deliver pizza.
That's kind of the perks of the job. Okay, we
do get high, all right, let's look a little bad. Alright,
we're chilling dominoes. All right? What you said it said
no drugs. I said I got poo and pet tested
(43:30):
when I signed on for this. I assume that meant
no drugs. That's an L O L. We don't come
on any serious. We can't have you eating bark though. Okay,
you're supposed to eat beating pizza. You represent us being pizza.
It's it's all right. Wolves gather around bad Grills has
(43:52):
brought us another feast. Don't be star struck. It's a
podcast celebrity. Do you hear that? As long as he's
not a red our Wolves in the background. I just
(44:13):
told you about it earlier and Tiberian wish inside or um.
So we've got to make an inside. Have you not
seen the show before? Have you not seen the show before?
The show? Bell grins? Have you not seen it? Who
(44:34):
did you wink to you? We have to make what comes.
(44:56):
I'll tell you about stamps dot com you this, I
think one of them made in his bend. We are
gathered here today to later rest Bell Girls, but more importantly,
at least for this side of the church, James Heney, No,
(45:22):
I miss you. Now. I know this is a tough
tough thing to do, but we gotta do it. Look,
I I want to speak on behalf of all six
of his fans. He was important to us. Okay, he
was the biggest podcast celebrity we could ever interact with. Frankly,
(45:46):
he responded to our messages we miss him, like, can subscribe,
like and subscribe and subscribe. I'd like to say that,
um on behalf of everyone at Discord. We're gonna miss
James so much. He really kept our service going. He
pushed it to friends. So James, uh, this this, I'm
(46:10):
gonna throw some bitcoin in the air for you. Thanks, James.
They're they're they're taking the bait. They think we passed this.
This is part of the adventure. Or James Cey, you've
got to really be continuing to be dead or they're
gonna find out way. I'm sorry, I want to say something.
(46:30):
I see the corpses standing up and having this conversation.
That too that no, no, you're just that's that's called
grieving again. Now there's some bean pizza in the back
if anybody wants them, all right once Lae per person
please Okay, bean pizza the saucer the crust is made
(46:52):
of beans or both? Oh that was a question. I
think it's a bean filling in the rust. Okay, so
it just there's like a tube of beans. I'd like
to say say something. The Prime Minister of Australia New Zealand,
Ship Cura just sind to Adam. Um. I just want
(47:16):
to say I never heard of James Heeney. I never
watched his twitch or his discord or anything on YouTube.
But I just want to say I loved his red
mustache and I fell in love with him. He stockholmed
(47:37):
me from Afar and I just want to say it's
a major loss for the Discord community and New Zealand
really to have lost him. I would have loved to
be his partner, but you weren't. I was Agent Lollipop here.
Nobody ever knew James's real name. He went by Reynolds.
(47:58):
He only told those who actually loved his real name.
And uh, do you guys ever kiss? Is that are
you talking to? The if you and justint ever kissed?
And if you and Reynolds are kissed, show us how
you kissed Reynolds us in your hand? Okay, all right,
(48:21):
we just in there and I kissed a couple of
times while she and James we're early in their relationship.
But that was just because I wanted to make sure
that James was going to get himself into a relationship
with a good kissing. Show us how you kissed James
using your hand. Well, I'll just use James's corpse here
(48:42):
to demonstrate cool James. Don't let them know that you're
help me and they were dead. They said, it's great,
that's just great. I'm sorry. Did I missed the whole thing?
(49:03):
My coffee was terrible this morning? Yeah, yeah, it's kind
of over the ceremony. Uh, let's uh everyone, thank you
(49:25):
for speaking up. Appreciate that. I didn't expect that. Didn't
expect so many people to have an impromptu pastor. Mike,
thanks for coming in to see us today. We had
a couple of complaints from a funeral that he gave
the other day, and we just had a couple of
questions for you. Then. Okay, just if I can just
say this before, I did not know right that they
(49:49):
were they weren't dead. Oh, yeah, they weren't actually dead.
It was that that bear fell and the James Honey point,
yes that they were. They were not dead. Is the
reports were getting and you held a funeral. Okay, well
that can't be on me. You can't blame me, not
the but the corner. You know. I don't pronounce them
(50:12):
that or not. I just kind of pop in, do
my thing, pop out, you know. So yeah, that's the
sort of thing we got the complaints about the whole
popping in and doing your thing. I guess I've had
have corraled a little better. I guess I could have
tampered down people speaking up. But you know, people are
not corral is the excuse we're looking for here. And
also in your ceremony was reported that you were referred
(50:32):
to their funeral as a thing I might have. I
might have had a lot on my mind, and you
just father, if I may, and you just didn't look professional. Um,
if I may. You, First of all, these plastic socks
are not very becoming and not very um of the
(50:55):
of the tone of a funeral. True, and some of
them comes then said you were smirking during the ceremonial.
Is that possibly a smirk? And maybe yeah I might
have right, like it was a fun thing for you
to do, right. Have you been to Bankers So Bakerfield? Um, yeah,
(51:20):
we'd like to relocate you to a great uh parish
in Bakersfield. Yep, We'll letting you know now because there's
just too many complaints that you don't seem to be
taking it seriously. Yeah, no, that's chrue fun. There's some
great outlet stores there, you know. Yeah, yeah, let me
get some reboking some Nike quick. Can't wait, okay, wait
(51:40):
to see what Tommy Hill figure has on the rack.
This is the attitude then that we'd like to see
in front of the parish. This is what you want
to see in front of the parish. Yeah, you got
this sort of aggressive thing done. Welcome to Bakersfield, father,
We're really excited to have you put the bags. That's
always it's best from them anyway, or that's the thing
(52:00):
about Baker's Field, that's our model. Just throw it anywhere
offers Field, California. Our parish is mostly people that accidentally
didn't stay on the five, so they're confused and they're
not sure why they're here. So do your best to
just make them feel at home. Okay, you got it. Well,
do not have a c in here? Oh we don't.
(52:21):
We can't afford that. In Baker's Field. You don't have
needles money, What are you talking about? All right? All right, great,
so go ahead, and now we're gonna let the congregation
in and I just do your best, just really roll
them up and make them also feel comfortable where they
are right now. We'll move you to funerals later, but
let's just see how you do with with with the
(52:42):
word and stuff. Okay, Hey, Jim, is this the new mayor?
He sure is, that's all you're You're the new father.
Here's our new pairs father. But he's also the mayor.
That's the mayor where you got to wear many hats.
The fuck I didn't even know I was running the hell,
I didn't put myself on the ballot. No, Baker's Field,
where everyone knew as mayor, that's also our saying. So
(53:04):
you are also the mayor. So you've got a lot
to really adjust to here. But we think you're gonna
do us. Hey, Jim, can we just get a new
high school quarterback? Big games on Friday? Okay, So here's
the playbook. You gotta learn those pretty quick. This is huge.
What this playbook is bigger than the Bible. Well, there's
a lot of players. The only run about fifteen of them.
(53:25):
All right, well, then just give hey, hey, sorry, Um,
I was just waiting for a little I would love
a grande ice coffee. You actually do? You have unsweetened?
Who are you gonna do? Father? Go ahead and get
on that. Um, you'll find everything you need right here.
All right, guys, listen up. Okay, we got four yards
(53:45):
to go into the first down. Okay, if we get that,
we have a chance to score. Now we need to
do that. Okay, Tyler, look at me. It's weird. You're weird.
Oh I'm weird. You know what's weird? Losing the homecoming game?
All right, now, let's do this. I don't know. You
might be weirder than lose it. Father, that's a pretty
salty language. Oh is it salty? Well? How about you
(54:06):
suck on these saltines? Huh? Father's ball? They were my balls.
It was refer to your balls. Steins. Know there are
crackers in my pants. I just pulled out some crackers. Okay,
they just look like they're around delayed game Bakersfields bears
(54:36):
and balls on saltines. Thank you all the alchemists, no particular.
Let's start with James, Zeenie, Jimmy Jack, James, thank you
so much for being here, buddy, It's my pleasure. I
I literally fell out of my chair laughing. I sit
on a very toast. I didn't you know. What's funny
(54:57):
is I know who Bear Girls is. I just kind
of in my own mind exactly what he sounded like.
I never imagined he wasn't American. I guess, Okay, so
you knew he for the record, you knew who he is,
and you're a fan. It sounds like and you had
a voice for him in your mind. But it wasn't British.
(55:20):
It was not British. It was it was it was
the I guess, uh, I guess I gotta check it
out because now I'm interested in You should check it out.
You should definitely check it out, you know, before you
do it again. I think that he was like high
tea British. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, follow me this way?
Is he British? Where is he from? He's from England.
(55:41):
He's literally from Camera Meal. Really, that's right? That is that? James,
Caroline Cotter, thank you so much for being here today.
You're welcome. Is there a a place or a thing
you'd like to promote to the folks listening. Sure, I
(56:04):
think it's good to you know, I've been donating. Donate
where you want, but a CLU is great, Black Lives
Matter and any sort of of the National bailout funds
are great. Thank you so much for that. Cole Stratton, Hello,
thanks for having me again. It's always fun. Great to
have you in the pack. Yeah, and not really much
to promote right now other than try to help out
(56:26):
in your community as much as you can keep it positive,
help out, loving that. Chris Alvarado, thank you very much
for having me. U fun stuff in a weird time.
And yeah, just echo win everyone else's sentiment. We've been
donating here. It's the least we could do, obviously, and
we're just trying to learn and learn and learn. Thank
(56:48):
you for that. Jessica Lowe, Hey, I just want to
encourage everyone to register to vote and get out there
in November. It is crucial now more than ever. Joey Greer, Yes,
thank you sir, thank you for having me vote. Uh
and definitely look two different. Uh. The a c l
(57:08):
U and the different organizations you can fund to help
UH and be active in your local communities. UH. The
things you're most affected by is your local government, so
I know who all city commissioners and all that. Just
you educate yourself. Please, Black Lives Matter. Thanks everybody. Let's
thank our engineering producer to the stars, Mr Doug Bain,
(57:32):
and the fine folks that I hurt media. I'm your host,
Kevin Polk. Please write to the podcast your name here
and Alchemy this Tech back. Let's take that again. I'm
your host, Kevin poll Again. Please write to the podcast.
That's your name here at alcomey this dot com. We'd
love to hear from you. Keep in touch. We love
(57:53):
your involvement in the show. But that's it for this one.
Until next time. And a football pepper, Hello, and a
(58:26):
football pepper.
Well, welcome back to another episode about hum this cardition.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock, Yes that Kevin Pollock. No, No,
it turns out love is, in fact not all we need.
And yes, the otherwise brilliant John Lennon was a damn liar,
but I agree. Let's meet her. Uncom to show me
no particular order, please say hello to Mr James. He
need Johnny Jim. If you could wear Joey Greer as
(00:25):
a hat, would you tell anyone who asked about it? Uh?
If I wore Joey Greer as a hat and someone
asked me about it, I would imagine it would be
an emotional thing to talk about. I would probably break
down and cry because if I'm wearing him as a hat,
he is just you know, a carcass of his old body, right,
(00:46):
So I don't think I would tell them. I think
I would be I would say, you know what, I'm
I can't talk about this right now. He is a
dear friend, and I keep him with me as a
hat now all right? Well, in my version, just so
you know, Joey uh gave consent and and has the
ability to form himself into a hat for you, I
would probably have a little card that said all of
(01:09):
the things that needed to be said, because if I
had to get wrapped up into the emotional story of
him giving me his his you know, body, Yeah you know, yeah,
I do know. I think we all do. Please welcome back,
Jessica love Solo. You want to go tell everyone about
your first experience witnessing a magic trick? Um? I think
(01:35):
I was four or five. I was wildly aroused and intrigued.
Great face from Chris Alvarado. Um, say hey to cold
Stratton motor City man. What is your least favorite condiment?
And why? Oh that's tough. I don't handle spice very well,
(01:59):
so any ing this like a spicy like hot sauce.
I did say, hot sauce, Hot sauce, fair enough. Look
the hell out it's Christoph Verado, Christoph post Waltz. What
time of morning are your rising these days? Um? Between
six am and seven fift am? Could you be more specific?
(02:23):
My puppies bladder starts to send signals at about that time. Yeah.
One of our cats pounces on the younger one is
a bratt teenager pounces on the twelve year old every
morning when he would like breakfast so it's the cries
of the twelve year old of cat speak, get the
funk off me that alerts us, Oh, it's seven fift
(02:45):
time defeat the cat. But I certainly digress. Hey, there's
Caroline Cotter, Caroline Dancer. Of all the dances from your youth,
which do you feel you weren't horrible at um? I
don't know if this counts as a dance, but the
first thing I thought of is when I was like
(03:06):
really young, I would pretend to be like a dog
and chase my sister Round was very effective at scaring her,
So I think that was the best. That's such a dance.
You need to give it a name. All right, Let's
get to the damn show. Almost all of our scene
(03:27):
suggestions are gathered from listener emails. If you'd like to
submit yours, please write to the podcast at your name
here at alchemy this dot com. That's your name here
at alchemy dot com. Se number one is from Kylie
in New Zealand, who wrote Kaya Aura and hello, you're
all awesome, blah blah. You've heard this from me. Before
(03:49):
cutting cutting to the chase, I'm seeing world headlines that
everyone wants our prime minister to lead their countries. You
can't have her, But how about a scene that see
is just Sinda Ard when I saying her name, right,
aardn A R d E R n Arden or uh
(04:11):
seeing just into kidnapped by the US in a bid
to change their leadership. Meanwhile, keep doing what you're doing,
love y'all, Kylie, Okay, we've got the Prime minister approaching
the podium here in just about three minutes. I'm sorry,
(04:31):
I'm sorry, just to just to clarify. I don't please
keep this between you and I. Where is she the
Prime Minister of I just talked to him. I have
to help me on this. I have to. I have
to have to confess. I also don't don't know. Okay,
well it was in the email from news. We'll just
share it with us because protect her and yeah, yeah,
(04:53):
the email we got about her. For the record, right now,
we're protecting every woman and that's not reone. So we'd
like to take her back to us US. I mean,
you want to take her back to the United States? Yes, yeah, right,
but she's the Prime Minister of New Zealand, so that's it. Yes,
you got it? Four ten four, You guys are supposed
(05:17):
to be just keeping an eye on Sector four. What's
what's going on? Yeah, yeah, it's fine here, it's good everything.
Let me see everything clear? Sector four? Quick? Okay, all right,
well she's due here in about a minute, so um
and just be quick and just like, what, like, what's
her like? What does she kind of look like? Generally speaking,
(05:37):
I'll text both of you a photo. That'd be great.
She's she's pretty. She's pretty. She's the prime minister. She's
a pretty prime minister. I've never Reynolds. Can we keep
this professional for a fucking sex sorry, Reynolds, come on,
come on, Okay. You know Stockholm syndrome? Am I aware
(05:58):
of it? Yeah? Uh yeah, what what brings it to mine? Reynolds?
I don't know. I just think she's pretty. I'm gonna kidnapper.
Do you think there's a chance she'll get Stockholm syndrome?
You're gonna kick You're you're gonna kid Are you not
part of the Wait a second, Reynolds, I don't think
he's a part of he's not part of this operation.
Never mind, never mind. I'm your boss, Sector Force. Pretty day,
(06:20):
Sector four go blank for a while? Yep, yep, thank
you sector four sector too. Are you ready? She's she's
dude down your hallway in less than a minute. Oh
ship really yeah, oh my god. Okay, my buddy just
went to uh use the restroom. We thought we had
(06:41):
more time. Your buddy, Yeah, my buddy, my my, you know,
my buddy. He's assigned to this task with me. You
want to use the restroom you're talking about Thompson. Yeah, Thompson. Well,
I want to make it clear first and foremost. He's
my buddy first and my coworkers second. So my buddy Thompson.
Fair enough, feels good. Okay, it's my channel on it's
(07:03):
my channel on, my channel Thompson. So sorry, almost done. Okay,
I'll be back sick to one right six two sixer too? Two? Okay,
I get turned around. I was just finding a little
sign to what where the bathroom was. Uh, I'll be there,
and when I get there, I'll get there. Yeah, let's
(07:23):
just do Uh. He gets lost in bathrooms and he
gets confused. But but why the rush to the back.
Did you give him hot sauce in his coffee? Did
you do that again? Yeah, it's a prank between buddies.
Come on, it's a buddy prank? Why why is it
a budrank? He's my friend. Do you have any friends? Yeah,
but I don't torture them. It's not torture. It's a prank.
(07:44):
Pranks are different than torture. He's in pain in the bathroom. Yeah,
but I think it's funny. So it's a prank. Got you,
got you, you understand I do. Now. That is kind
of funny. That is kind of funny. It is funnier.
Every kidnapped this woman. I'm sorry, ready to kidnap just however, minister, Yes,
(08:05):
you're gonna Kidnappersindada. We're going to Are you ready to
go out and meet with the people? Yeah? Right, Um, yeah, yeah,
I am Um. I just want to say that you
have been taking such good care of our country. I
(08:28):
am so happy and proud to be in New Zealand. Yeah,
it's it's like great, it's great. Um. Racism is bad,
homophobia is bad, of course, Peace, love and happiness. Yes,
already's already interrupted. Just have the team delivery for Prime Minister. Right,
(08:54):
they can take first SIPs, first SIPs to make sure
sap taste scood. You go, thanks, Recess, Miss Ardom. Just
right this way miss Ardom. We have a podium set
up for you. It's just your South African aid. Yeah. Good,
this way to the podium were set up for you. Great,
(09:20):
good day. My name is just in the Adam and
On the Prime Minister. Um. Sorry, it's like I have
some Manuka honey in the back of my throat. I'm here, Um,
does anyone smell there? It's I'm getting pretty sleepy. Sept
(09:44):
Two Scepter two. What does you smell? I think it
might be from the bathroom from Thompson, from Thompson Thompson
new coffee. Yeah, it's going gonna be a while. Guys.
I'm so sorry. This is why it's not funny. I'm laughing.
The Prime Minister smells it. Okay, well maybe that's good.
(10:04):
We can use it to our advantage. How would we
do that? I don't know. Okay, but I'll figure it out.
Go co co co co co co co? What what what?
I'm sorry, I'm started going. Okay, just don't don't fall
in love. Don't fall in love of course, not, of
course not. That was just theoretical. You're coming with me,
(10:26):
Prime Minister. It's my arm and into this Chapter two.
If you've seen the Prime minister sector too. Yeah, she
ran by us. I wasn't sure if we're supposed to
do anything. We saw a sextor sector ship and sexter
sexter for run by us. Sexy sector for you. Yeah, sorry,
(10:51):
they're hot, right. You don't about Stockholm syndrome? Yes, yeah, sorry,
I just wanna. I don't know anyway. Um, we saw
him run by. Don't know what I should do because
I'm by myself. Thompson is in the toilet. Why is Thompson?
And talk? Alright? Alright, Jacinda, Now you're probably a little scared,
but no needs to be scared. Okay, my name is um,
(11:14):
what's my name? Right? Don't keep your real name, don't
keep care these Reynolds. No, no, no, that's my secret name,
secret and I'm Lollipop secret names Reynolds. And we're here
to tell you that you are safe, but you are
now property of us, well, the US, honestlving slivery Um.
(11:34):
It's not believing, but it's just that you're so good
and and what we have back at home is so
bad and we want we want you to be there.
Sorry Reynolds, you have a piece of hair covering part
of your eye. Can I brush that away? Yes? Please do?
My god, your eyes are so blue? Oh thank you?
(11:58):
I listen. I just want to first foremost say the
Stockholm series syndrome is okay, so you might be experiencing that,
and I'm not gonna take advantage of the situation because
I want you to fall in love with the real
meal Okay, because I think you're pretty here. If I
just lady, would you lie with me? Just fucking she
(12:26):
should turn down the radio. It's good now, we'll just
tag the channel. Okay, okay, well this isn't a channel,
it's a mixtape. Sorry, just I feel I should. I
feel something is happening here. You two are both moving
in slow motion for some reason. Oh us, both of us.
(12:51):
Mm hmm wow. Time seems like it's going so fast though.
It's weird. You got eyelash on your cheek? My fresh
it away? Okay, I think they're falling out of my eyes?
What's going on? What's happening? You want to trick a
(13:11):
decaphobia or whatever it's called. You're pulling on your eyelashes
feeling I was. I was really stressed out earlier. It
doesn't feel good, but I feel like I could see
a gap in eyelashes. Now, all right, Reynolds, don't forget
the mission. The mission is to bring her back to us. Okay, okay, okay, lollypop,
(13:35):
but uh, I got a lot of problems going on
with my with my eyeballs right now. Okay, it's okay,
all right. Uh, we gotta take you now. Oh, and
we know it's against your will, but we'd appreciate it
if you were a little more willing to come along.
Things aren't going well for us back home. It seems
like you could use some help. So I'm perfectly willing
(13:58):
to go with you. It's just that Reynolds isn't the
only one that has a heart that needs to be filled.
And here I'm just standing by and I'm watching you
too move in slow motion, and I hear snow patrol
going on, and it just makes me feel like, well,
I ever find love, you know, I mean, you might
(14:20):
do you need a cuddle? Not from you? What she's
really I mean, I don't know for sure, but she
looks like she's a good cuddler. It might help. I
think she's yours, Reynolds. For some reason, I'm getting to
feel like everybody could I could cuddle with you. Don't
try to do that, Reynolds, look eyebrows. I'm gonna take
a walk. I'm gonna see what's happening over sexter too.
(14:45):
I'm going to sex he too. What I'm going to
sexter too? I mean, I heard what you said. I'm
still waiting for Thompson to get back from the toilet.
It's been a couple of days. Is this how long
it normally takes? I? Oh no, this is my first
time doing a prank like this. I didn't realize you'd
react this strongly to hot sauce. My my misunderstanding earlier
(15:08):
when you said how much you love to prank him
to prank, I assumed that it happened many times. It
was my first prank, So you didn't know how much
hot sauce to put in the coffee? Yeah, put in
two bottles. That seems excessive. He drank the whole damn
thing so well, sure, because he thought it was coffee.
Ye Hi, excuse me? Is this is this six or
two sector too? We're not as sexy as sector four.
(15:33):
I know who you are. You're my boss, but you
we've never met. Obviously, sex years don't often cross I'm
agent Lollipop from Sextra four. No way, my actual name
is Lollipop. What my real name is Lollipop and my
agent name is Johnson. Wow, that's funny because my name
(15:54):
is Todd. But my oh ship. Oh it's okay, we're
being honest, right, real name Todd, a name Lollipops. Okay,
that's fun What have I walked into? Uh? First of all,
what Starbucks did you get that from? I'm gonna write
a complaint email. This is gonna you're gonna freak out.
(16:17):
That was a prank? What I put two bottles of
hot sauce in your cup of coffee? Why would you
do that? I ad been that for days. I must
seven pounds. That's funny. Then that has seen one. Oh baby,
(16:39):
let's go ahead and welcome in jingle Pants himself. Joey
begin see too, Hey Joey, Hello, how you feeling feeling good?
You got the COVID? You got the COVID eighteen? Is
that right? The one right before? Yeah? But you're okay now,
I'm okay. It's actually uh pretty much what happened to
(16:59):
call I was horrible ships from Hot Sauce. I'm okay now, yeah, yeah, well,
thanks for joining. Scene two comes from Katim, who wrote
High Alchemists. You recently used my scene where a hamster
sized family runs a burger joint. It seems like about
six months ago, but let's call it recently. It was
so exciting to hear my suggestion used. I know the
(17:21):
idea is stupid, but it tickled me so much I
had to share it. I have a new suggestion. As
a fellow human enduring the weird state of the world
right now, I think we could all use a healthy distraction.
So my suggestion is to take us away from reality
and to set our weird and to the set of
our weird aunt's favorite TV network, the QVC. Keep being amazing,
(17:49):
Katie M. Yeah, I mean this is a lovely piece.
This is a wonderful piece. This is a hundred percent
aquarius uh diamond crusted here and if you notice, look
at the cut right here and now look at that.
Can we zoom in on this? Can we zoom in
on this camera? Look at this camera four? Look at
the cut on? Look? Sorry what yes? Zooming in? Yeah?
(18:09):
Did you hear him call for a fucking close up?
All right? Well, that's great. Are your ear pods working. No,
I didn't want to say anything, it's too embarrassed. But
they've been broken. That's great because you know Bluetooth sucks
up everything. Now, can we zoom out? Can we zoom
out on this for a second? Can we zoom out
on this second? If you just just just to give
her bigger, just to give a macro look on this,
(18:31):
what this looks? Just look at this on my hand,
and look at the way it falls on my hand.
Look at that, and that's those are not attractive hands.
So pull back even further. Pull back. Okay, thank you
pulling back Jesus Christ. Now can we get the camera
to follow me outside? And look how it looks when
I'm walking outside? Okay, now, look how it looks when
I'm walking outside? Right now, you're not you're not gonna
(18:52):
get that. You're ready to steady cam outside. I just
picked it up and I'm walking with it. Okay, all right? Three,
you're outside already waiting for camera two and the host
come out camera three? Yeah, what are you doing? I
don't know you guys. You guys are sending differing messages
all the time. I don't know what to zoom in is.
(19:12):
I'm out. Honestly, I was just outside with my camera.
I didn't even realize that we're gonna be shooting out here.
Watched me and I watched me walk over here, and
watch me over here. Is this your car, sir? Is
this your car? What the hell? Get out of the car,
so get out of there. Watched we use this to
get in the car. Get out of the car. Okay,
get out the car. Okay. Now, now now watch how
I drive with it. I'm just look how look at
the cut of this. Look at this camera. Two get
(19:33):
the car. Okay, in the car. Okay. They're driving away.
I can't keep up with them with my camera. I
don't know. Yeah, no, you're in the parking lot. It's great.
It's a great view of the car driving away. Thank you.
Camera should be sending up the KVC chopper. Yes, Jim, Stacy,
(19:53):
are you too ready to go in the in the
KVC chopper? I am ready to go. Okay, Stacy, what
happened to Jim? I'm not thrilled. I'm not thrilled. Jim.
Can we not? I don't know? Can we not? I
need you to stay focused, Jim and stays. I'm calling
(20:14):
them Paul for that Aquarious diamond, the necklace, uh bracelet
watch that was there? You had that item number six
for six or six six six six six six, So
what is your purchase number? Well, I just wanted to
enquire about that that Aquaries baby by'mbing that bracelet watch.
(20:36):
I need that bracelet watch. I need it. Maybe you
know I'm looking at it. I just wanted to enquire about.
I just want to see. Don't inquire, don't acquire hip hop,
purchase it all right, Just I'm just walk into the
bathroom for a second. Here. Credit card never, credit card never? Yeah, look,
I don't got a credit card. But I can facts
you pictures of money. Will that work? Legitimate money? Yeah?
(21:00):
I made a poopy in the colling. I made a
big old poopy. It looks like a little shards of bark.
I don't know what I ate last now, but it
didn't feel nast coming out of my poop I got.
It does look like pieces of wood. This is nuts
and it is firm to the touch. I don't uh, Hey, Papa, Papa,
(21:23):
did you order did you order number six four six
six six six six six. I told all the kids
at school I was gonna bring it in for showing
town tomorrow. Yeah, of course I did, Roger, Yeah, I
look at that. Just it's just everyone, just stay outside
the bathroom door for a second. Excuse me, this is
your neighbor. I came in from next door. Somebody went
(21:43):
to town. On the tree in my front yard it's
missing all its bark. And you know that's a heritage tree.
It's been alive from four hundred years. So you gonna
have to buy me a new tree. Hey, Trace, look
not not right now. I'm on the phone QVC. Alright, now,
toilet tours are got the impeace and quiet. And now
look I got a fax machine in here, and I
got loose cash laying around. I'm trying to make a
(22:04):
goddamn person show. My child can go to the show
and tell cash. Trace, you wouldn't know anythink about that.
You broke some bit. All right. We are now following
the unit. They're hopping onto they're hopping on to the
five to north. I gotta tell you, she is reaching
speeds that we're not equipped to follow up. Frankly, she's dangerous.
(22:27):
She's out of control. We're thinking of throwing a spike
script down. Yeah, let's do that. Spike shrip. Okay, we
gotta get cameras. Cameras two operated to Yeah, I just
have to say camera to here. Um uh so the
cords that attached my camera to um I think where
the cameras go is it's detached. Are you in the car, yeah,
(22:48):
I'm sitting under the passenger seat right now. If you
just look, if you will, just look at look at
how the aquarius look, how we look. Just look how
at ninety a hundred, a hundred and twenty. It's still
structurally sound. Now, this is quality. And keep up. We
can't keep up? All right? Come on back to base too. Okay,
(23:08):
but she's in the I can't. I'm sorry, man. Can
you turn the car around once I finished this sale? Okay?
Nobody's this is not recording is it's not attacked to anything?
Can you turn around? I feel unsafe? Just one more.
I just want to show it, Jim. Oh god, okay, okay,
she just burst through a fucking barrier. There's water everywhere.
People are bleeding and dying. She's knocked. Stop now just
(23:32):
look look at look how it looks right now over
my exposed rip cage. Do you see that? Oh? See
that there? Do I have to stay inside this parking
a lot. I feel like my shift is pretty much up.
There's nothing to film out here. Can I branded get
into my office right now? Yeah? But Jim, get the
(23:52):
hell out of here, I said, Brandon today, Sorry, what
the hell do you think that? Jim? Get the in here? Yeah? Yeah, Jim, Yes,
You've got damn it, Brandon, you stay. This is god
This is part of the god damn problem. You too,
assholes rollers going to engine just doing a those lolligag
instead of working. All right for Buddy workers Buddy system.
(24:12):
I disbanded the Buddy system when I took over, didn't I? Yeah,
I got rid of the pool, didn't I? Yes? Okay, good,
all right, so that's done. We don't need a Buddy system, okay,
rather than the history lesson. Is there a reason you
called us into your office. I'm trying to run a
damn network. Well, I'm trying to run the network that
you're running the network up here? Okay. Now, I have
(24:33):
too many goddamn PBC reports running outside the studio. The
cords are getting snatched off, and I'm not getting the
feed too many, too many. I need them to stay
in the goddamn studio. All right, one camera operator lost
her cave one, and I hear from you. I guess, uh, well,
I didn't putting in that kind of perspective. I guess
(24:55):
I kind of react to them. Seventy two cameras, seventeen stages,
I lost one can. Yeah, you know, I'm having trouble
at home. Oh man, what's going on? All my dogs
and cats they've right, they've kind of I don't know
what's the word. You've got to stay all my dogs
(25:18):
and cats. They're creating a new language, and they've excluded
me from it. And I can tell her I'm a
lot of fun. Okay, this is us in a chopper.
We're officially at a fuel and we are going down.
We are going down. This is a mate, a mate?
Can you land anywhere near a gas station? Uh? What's
(25:40):
how this works? It sounds like something she would say,
are you kidding me? Right now? Right now? Let's do
this right now? All right? And now this mattress right
here is oh soft. You're not gonna find anything softer
(26:02):
than this. Now, Jim, why don't you get on the
mattress here? Just lay down for a second, Jim, line
the mattress Jim, come on, come on, this is this
is one of the camera Jim. This is Jim o'donald.
I don't usually go on camera. I get Jim come
on here. Oh he's sweating a lot of Jim, come on,
I don't want to be on camera. This is this
is Jim o'donna who, Jim, come over here for a second.
(26:23):
Please don't use my name. He is sweating. Jim, come
in for a second. I just lay it on this bed.
Feel how soft this bed is? Uh? Oh, you are
wet soft? How I'm calling in about the mattress and
we got a caller on area go for it. I
went to school with Jim o'donna who. He's a real
piece of ship. But okay, what isn't really calling about
(26:47):
the mattress? But Jim looks like you got fans out there. Huh.
Now tell me how soft this mattress is? Huh it's
really really soft. It's uh. I feel like the problem
is that I can feel the thing is so soft
I could the box spring underneath them. Do you want
me to zoom in on how wet he's making the
(27:08):
mattress with the sweat. Yes, yes, it's just like it's
really soft, but my body is not able to It's
just like I feel like I'm curling up inside of it. Tommy,
I'm gonna kill Jim's mike, So stop talking to him
and sell the Yeah, so right now, look how it's
(27:29):
off this pillow and if I put it in Jim's mouth.
All right, look at that. Look at that? There you go,
look at that. Now, this mattress right now retails if
you go to a store, is probably gonna cost you
two three million dollars. But if you call PVC right now,
we're going to sell this mattress for a hundred and
twenty dollars. Alright, mattress king staff. Yeah, they're around. I've
(27:51):
been told that we need to lower our prices. What
bull like. I know. I thought that this mattress was
worth one to three million dollars. We all agreed that,
but we're getting priced out by QVC. They're coming way lower,
like a tenth of the price. So if I made
we're getting we're getting factses of cold, hard cash. I
(28:14):
mean the proof is right here on this, on this
black and white paper. Here, you can see that's real money, sir.
Those twenties I've seen, I've seen the facts is and
that's great, but the factors are coming in. No one
is picking up the mattresses. And I tried, uh depositing
the factses at our bank and they laughed me out
of there. So well, this might be a good time
(28:37):
to to go back to our core values as a
network first first and foremost. I think we can should
all just say what QVC stands for, just as a reset,
as a touchdowne Wait, why do we want to say
we got a spy, We got a spy, get us
(28:59):
our put him on that firm mattress? All right, Jesus Christ, clear,
what the hell? Everybody? Everybody knows it's quality value cats.
I mean why, I'm from Casper. Okay, I'm from Casper.
We don't give a fuck if you guys sell beads
or you sell fucking purses, but stay out of the
(29:21):
mattress game. All right. Well, if you're Casper, we're going
to turn you into a fucking ghost right now, all right,
into a Jesus clear, you got him? Holy fuck, Oh
my god, I'm sick. Just let us there's so much.
(29:42):
Don't get it on the money. Don't let him bleed
on the money. Pictures of money. Let's put his head
on a steak and deliver it to Casper head quarters
as a warning. Now, and now I've look at this,
look at these socks, I'm gonna se I went on
my foot here. Okay, now, don't mind the dangles. Okay,
(30:03):
I got really sharp toe nails. And then let's get
the other one there. Now, look at these socks. Okay, now,
these are a hundred What are they? What are the plastic?
These are a plastic tone cutting through the Yeah no,
let's not do that. Funny, but let's not sorry on
(30:24):
the stupid face. Right now, these are These are on
sale right now. Normally these would cost anywhere from um
several pounds of car but we're gonna we're gonna offer
these right now for the low low lo lo lo
low low super low price, so low you can touch
the ground. The price for these socks are gonna arrange
(30:46):
right now if you get if you buy the bundle
price for these socks so low, it's you're gonna go.
That's crazy. Though, there's no way they're I'm calling in.
I just you gotta tell me the price because I
can't deal with this anymore. How low is this price
I also have shriky feet. Oh, ma'am. Oh, yes, well,
(31:07):
then these are the socks for you. These a plastic.
They do not conform to the foot, they do not bend.
These socks are what you want, what you need. Okay,
right now, the price for these socks are so low, ma'am,
So help me God, if you don't tell me the price.
But those god dead and plastics sucks, I'm gonna kill
you myself. Now we have to take a commercial break,
but we will be right back. But I'm gonna say
(31:30):
that price when we get back. Okay, Man, you're gonna
stay in the lane. You're gonna take it to Philadelphia. Mom,
why are you packing all those guns into that touffel bag?
So care my god, I wanted some plastics sucks, and
and then man wouldn't tell me how much they Gosh,
(31:50):
I'm god to finish. I had it. The world is
bad right now and I need to cash fucking rockets.
So you are just I'm gonna put some goddamn cereal
and some milk in the fridge. They're both gonna be
in the fridge. You take care of yourself, You take
care of your brother. I'm gonna take care of some business. Okay, well,
(32:15):
hurry home please. No, I'm gonna take my time. It's
gonna be fun, okay, right now, Yeah, you're the boss.
Just say the price. Just say the price, and she'll
let us all go. Just say the price when we
get back from commercial price Why and so then she
(32:40):
knows no one else knows. She hoards all the plastic socks.
I'm gonna count to ten one, wait till she gets
to two, and then say the price. I don't know
what happened after TV. Jim. Just wait till she gets
to the number two said, she just said to Wit.
(33:04):
What am I supposed to What am I supposed to say? Yeah?
But she already past two. So what do I do now?
I'm not gonna say. I'm just wait till she gets
to seven. Where's my mom? Well? She she went, Um,
I think she just said that I'm the boss. Now right,
you're not the boss. I'll get the door. Get off,
(33:26):
Actually get the door get off from me. Mother. Hello,
I'm the man at the house right now, So how
can I help you? Pull? Then you're under arrest? Wait, Tyler, Sorry,
I'm just I'm just the brother. I'm so scared. He's
(33:47):
the man of the You gotta get this kid. He's scared.
We gotta get this kid out of here. Do you
like mattresses? Son? Do you like mattresses? Yeah? Shut the
hell up. Well, please don't cuff me under his mattress.
He has pictures of naked boobs and marijuana. Your pictures
of boobs in marijuana? Uncoffin, You're under arresting. Thank you.
(34:14):
Oh wait, why would you uncoff me? Cow boos? The
cow boobs. Oh, we already did it. Uh, that is
scene tool bla blah blah blah blah. How much were they?
Well that well the plastic socks? Yeah, how we never
(34:37):
got back mcguffin of the scene. It is the mcguffin.
But if the audience listening, our wonderful listeners would like
to ride into the podcast, your name here, just dot
com and tell us the price the closest to the price,
we'll get a dream date with Joey griff So we'll see. Yeah,
(35:03):
come to us from Andrey who wrote high Alchemists could
bear Grills. Take James Heeney on a survival trip through
the wilderness. Now, James, we made a promise, or I
made a promise to all the Alchemists, they would no
longer have to portray themselves. So if you'd like to
play Joey Greer in this, that'd be great. However you'd
like to do, we want to send you on a mission.
(35:24):
Are you familiar with bear grills? I am familiar with
bear grills, but I think the more appropriate thing would
be somebody else playing James Heeney, because then we're not
then we're not playing ourselves. I mean, I'll do it,
but I don't know if you want to tap out
of the scene. I don't think it would be right
for me to do it. It might be offensive. All right,
(35:47):
then I'll do it. I'll be sick. I gotta get
into character really quick. Okay, you're gonna do it as
Joey Greer. No, I'm gonna do it is me. I'm
gonna honor the request. Either I'll do it as me
or somebody else. You could do it as me. Joe,
you want to sure, I'll be James. Okay, thank god, Joe.
You don't need the redhead wig. I need it, honestly,
(36:08):
what do you do it? I can't help that looks good.
You look like it. You look like punkert. Alright, load
into the truck, you guys, we're gonna take you to
the drop off point. Mr Grell's, it's a real pleasure
(36:29):
to meet you, sir. It's my pleasure. I really like
taking people out to taking people out and seeing if
they know how to survive. Who's your celebrity guest this week,
Mr Grills. We've got a podcast celebrity named James Heeney, says,
one of the bravest men around. Oh, that's exciting, but
(36:52):
it sounds like you said, podcast celebrity. That's pretty They're
they're really quick, really quick. They're um, you're you're trying
to amert an accent today? Yeah, hold on a second. Okay,
(37:14):
we are approaching. We are approaching the drop off point here.
Now I'm sorry, I was supposed to meet with Bear Grills.
I haven't met with Bear Grills yet. Yeah you're here, Okay, okay, So, um,
we're gonna drop you off here. Now. I need to
take any any phones away from you, any food, uh
(37:35):
and that includes mints gum okay, and James can take
your shirt off for us, please what we need to
leave that shirt? Uh? Okay, Okay, thank you, Okay, no
one else taking off the shirt. No, just you and Bear.
You and Bear are going to be Uh, you're gonna
(37:56):
be going through this alone. Um a couple of about
words of advice. Bear is um a loner frankly, um,
but he will not let you die if you don't
let you die. Good? Okay, great? And hey, I love
your podcast. You're such a podcast celebrity. Thank you. Just
(38:17):
make sure to like and subscribe and if you could
also just make a review. Make make a review, right review? Okay,
right with you, and then if we write, if the
review is good, then I'll read it on air. Thank you.
Okay a bear, you're ready to rock? I'm ready to rock?
I mean is this James? Yes? There you go? All right?
(38:42):
Well where are we going today? Uh? What is the
wilderness that we're hitting today? Say we're done these days? Uh?
The wilderness? Um? Sorry, I just heard your accent and
I want to I can't help but do it. You're
not to the accent that you're not doing an accent.
I'm clearly from Britain, right, So when I say gilderness,
(39:09):
James Heeney, what does it mean to you? Wilderness James
Heeney makes me think of wild James Heeney. I would
be some somewhere off, maybe in the forest or jungles um.
I'd have clothes made out of sticks and twigs. Have
you ever had to survive off the wilderness? James Heeney, Ah, okay,
(39:37):
this is we're gonna leave you. We're leaving you now.
You have no medical help, no other help, and by
have a good episode or show or whatever you're doing,
and that's how they always leave. It's okay, we've got
at least six hours before nightfall. Oh that's uh, that's
(40:00):
a Tiberian wolf that were here in the background. Are
you afraid of that? James Ceeney, Yes, I was so scared.
Bear Please let me let me hide inside your shirt?
Why am I the only one shirtless? Well, the thing
is is that you, your body is what's really everybody
wants to see. So you're kind of a guest. That's
(40:22):
pretty a little flare to the show. Hello, Hello, oh,
hey you two. I got a pizza here for James Heeney.
What the James did you order a pizza? Yeah? I
was gonna get hungry. I got a pepperoni pie for
James Ceene's that you either of you. I'm not James Cenie.
I'm bear cry. You don't recognize me on my accent? Oh? Rick,
(40:49):
are you sure you want to take this pizza out there?
It's totally out of the delivery zone. That's cool, man, Hey,
it's literally it's in the it's look where, Look where
the dot is. Look where you're supposed to drawp this.
You're gonna have to chop her in. It's you're not
gonna make enough tips. I had this an adventure. I'm
super excited for this, all right, man. I just hope
it doesn't get cold. It's gonna take you several hours
(41:11):
to get over there. You've got the Dominoes chopper ready,
you bet, sweet, I'll fire it up for you, all right. Hey,
you the pilot of the Dominoes chopper. Yeah, you're taking
me to see uh this James Heney guy. He's out
there in the Willeress somewhere. Oh damn, that's sick as nut. Yeah.
(41:33):
We're gonna have to deliver this in under thirty minutes though,
you're down. Yeah. I love to deliver. Usually I only
use the chopper to do local neighborhood deliveries, but I'm
down for a challenge. Okay, cool, did you get the
courtnets or whatever they're called? No, just tell me where
it kind of point me. I like having a co pilot,
kind of telling where to goes. Okay, cool, just start
up over there, up to the right there. How long
(41:56):
you've been piloting for domino like two years? Yeah? What's
the weirdest place you've been doingfore? That? My mom's house.
You let me take that fuck damn Holly ship. Some
(42:18):
stroke was that? I thought that was a cigarette? No,
it's garbage packed. I never have smoked drugs before. I
can't fly for Dominoes and smoke. We dude, Rebecca, what
Well we did a poo and pizza. We mixed them together,
(42:40):
and we found we found some bark in the ship. Okay,
I was eating a tree. Well, here are Dominoes. We
don't we don't like that. Well, there's something wrong with
that because you're flying a plank. I thought my understanding
was Mr Reynolds, is that My understanding, Mr Reynolds is
(43:07):
that I just couldn't do any kind of drugs. I
don't drink. I only smoked two packs of cigarettes today,
but otherwise I do absolutely nothing. Rebecca, we deliver pizza.
That's kind of the perks of the job. Okay, we
do get high, all right, let's look a little bad. Alright,
we're chilling dominoes. All right? What you said it said
no drugs. I said I got poo and pet tested
(43:30):
when I signed on for this. I assume that meant
no drugs. That's an L O L. We don't come
on any serious. We can't have you eating bark though. Okay,
you're supposed to eat beating pizza. You represent us being pizza.
It's it's all right. Wolves gather around bad Grills has
(43:52):
brought us another feast. Don't be star struck. It's a
podcast celebrity. Do you hear that? As long as he's
not a red our Wolves in the background. I just
(44:13):
told you about it earlier and Tiberian wish inside or um.
So we've got to make an inside. Have you not
seen the show before? Have you not seen the show before?
The show? Bell grins? Have you not seen it? Who
(44:34):
did you wink to you? We have to make what comes.
(44:56):
I'll tell you about stamps dot com you this, I
think one of them made in his bend. We are
gathered here today to later rest Bell Girls, but more importantly,
at least for this side of the church, James Heney, No,
(45:22):
I miss you. Now. I know this is a tough
tough thing to do, but we gotta do it. Look,
I I want to speak on behalf of all six
of his fans. He was important to us. Okay, he
was the biggest podcast celebrity we could ever interact with. Frankly,
(45:46):
he responded to our messages we miss him, like, can subscribe,
like and subscribe and subscribe. I'd like to say that,
um on behalf of everyone at Discord. We're gonna miss
James so much. He really kept our service going. He
pushed it to friends. So James, uh, this this, I'm
(46:10):
gonna throw some bitcoin in the air for you. Thanks, James.
They're they're they're taking the bait. They think we passed this.
This is part of the adventure. Or James Cey, you've
got to really be continuing to be dead or they're
gonna find out way. I'm sorry, I want to say something.
(46:30):
I see the corpses standing up and having this conversation.
That too that no, no, you're just that's that's called
grieving again. Now there's some bean pizza in the back
if anybody wants them, all right once Lae per person
please Okay, bean pizza the saucer the crust is made
(46:52):
of beans or both? Oh that was a question. I
think it's a bean filling in the rust. Okay, so
it just there's like a tube of beans. I'd like
to say say something. The Prime Minister of Australia New Zealand,
Ship Cura just sind to Adam. Um. I just want
(47:16):
to say I never heard of James Heeney. I never
watched his twitch or his discord or anything on YouTube.
But I just want to say I loved his red
mustache and I fell in love with him. He stockholmed
(47:37):
me from Afar and I just want to say it's
a major loss for the Discord community and New Zealand
really to have lost him. I would have loved to
be his partner, but you weren't. I was Agent Lollipop here.
Nobody ever knew James's real name. He went by Reynolds.
(47:58):
He only told those who actually loved his real name.
And uh, do you guys ever kiss? Is that are
you talking to? The if you and justint ever kissed?
And if you and Reynolds are kissed, show us how
you kissed Reynolds us in your hand? Okay, all right,
(48:21):
we just in there and I kissed a couple of
times while she and James we're early in their relationship.
But that was just because I wanted to make sure
that James was going to get himself into a relationship
with a good kissing. Show us how you kissed James
using your hand. Well, I'll just use James's corpse here
(48:42):
to demonstrate cool James. Don't let them know that you're
help me and they were dead. They said, it's great,
that's just great. I'm sorry. Did I missed the whole thing?
(49:03):
My coffee was terrible this morning? Yeah, yeah, it's kind
of over the ceremony. Uh, let's uh everyone, thank you
(49:25):
for speaking up. Appreciate that. I didn't expect that. Didn't
expect so many people to have an impromptu pastor. Mike,
thanks for coming in to see us today. We had
a couple of complaints from a funeral that he gave
the other day, and we just had a couple of
questions for you. Then. Okay, just if I can just
say this before, I did not know right that they
(49:49):
were they weren't dead. Oh, yeah, they weren't actually dead.
It was that that bear fell and the James Honey point,
yes that they were. They were not dead. Is the
reports were getting and you held a funeral. Okay, well
that can't be on me. You can't blame me, not
the but the corner. You know. I don't pronounce them
(50:12):
that or not. I just kind of pop in, do
my thing, pop out, you know. So yeah, that's the
sort of thing we got the complaints about the whole
popping in and doing your thing. I guess I've had
have corraled a little better. I guess I could have
tampered down people speaking up. But you know, people are
not corral is the excuse we're looking for here. And
also in your ceremony was reported that you were referred
(50:32):
to their funeral as a thing I might have. I
might have had a lot on my mind, and you
just father, if I may, and you just didn't look professional. Um,
if I may. You, First of all, these plastic socks
are not very becoming and not very um of the
(50:55):
of the tone of a funeral. True, and some of
them comes then said you were smirking during the ceremonial.
Is that possibly a smirk? And maybe yeah I might
have right, like it was a fun thing for you
to do, right. Have you been to Bankers So Bakerfield? Um, yeah,
(51:20):
we'd like to relocate you to a great uh parish
in Bakersfield. Yep, We'll letting you know now because there's
just too many complaints that you don't seem to be
taking it seriously. Yeah, no, that's chrue fun. There's some
great outlet stores there, you know. Yeah, yeah, let me
get some reboking some Nike quick. Can't wait, okay, wait
(51:40):
to see what Tommy Hill figure has on the rack.
This is the attitude then that we'd like to see
in front of the parish. This is what you want
to see in front of the parish. Yeah, you got
this sort of aggressive thing done. Welcome to Bakersfield, father,
We're really excited to have you put the bags. That's
always it's best from them anyway, or that's the thing
(52:00):
about Baker's Field, that's our model. Just throw it anywhere
offers Field, California. Our parish is mostly people that accidentally
didn't stay on the five, so they're confused and they're
not sure why they're here. So do your best to
just make them feel at home. Okay, you got it. Well,
do not have a c in here? Oh we don't.
(52:21):
We can't afford that. In Baker's Field. You don't have
needles money, What are you talking about? All right? All right, great,
so go ahead, and now we're gonna let the congregation
in and I just do your best, just really roll
them up and make them also feel comfortable where they
are right now. We'll move you to funerals later, but
let's just see how you do with with with the
(52:42):
word and stuff. Okay, Hey, Jim, is this the new mayor?
He sure is, that's all you're You're the new father.
Here's our new pairs father. But he's also the mayor.
That's the mayor where you got to wear many hats.
The fuck I didn't even know I was running the hell,
I didn't put myself on the ballot. No, Baker's Field,
where everyone knew as mayor, that's also our saying. So
(53:04):
you are also the mayor. So you've got a lot
to really adjust to here. But we think you're gonna
do us. Hey, Jim, can we just get a new
high school quarterback? Big games on Friday? Okay, So here's
the playbook. You gotta learn those pretty quick. This is huge.
What this playbook is bigger than the Bible. Well, there's
a lot of players. The only run about fifteen of them.
(53:25):
All right, well, then just give hey, hey, sorry, Um,
I was just waiting for a little I would love
a grande ice coffee. You actually do? You have unsweetened?
Who are you gonna do? Father? Go ahead and get
on that. Um, you'll find everything you need right here.
All right, guys, listen up. Okay, we got four yards
(53:45):
to go into the first down. Okay, if we get that,
we have a chance to score. Now we need to
do that. Okay, Tyler, look at me. It's weird. You're weird.
Oh I'm weird. You know what's weird? Losing the homecoming game?
All right, now, let's do this. I don't know. You
might be weirder than lose it. Father, that's a pretty
salty language. Oh is it salty? Well? How about you
(54:06):
suck on these saltines? Huh? Father's ball? They were my balls.
It was refer to your balls. Steins. Know there are
crackers in my pants. I just pulled out some crackers. Okay,
they just look like they're around delayed game Bakersfields bears
(54:36):
and balls on saltines. Thank you all the alchemists, no particular.
Let's start with James, Zeenie, Jimmy Jack, James, thank you
so much for being here, buddy, It's my pleasure. I
I literally fell out of my chair laughing. I sit
on a very toast. I didn't you know. What's funny
(54:57):
is I know who Bear Girls is. I just kind
of in my own mind exactly what he sounded like.
I never imagined he wasn't American. I guess, Okay, so
you knew he for the record, you knew who he is,
and you're a fan. It sounds like and you had
a voice for him in your mind. But it wasn't British.
(55:20):
It was not British. It was it was it was
the I guess, uh, I guess I gotta check it
out because now I'm interested in You should check it out.
You should definitely check it out, you know, before you
do it again. I think that he was like high
tea British. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, follow me this way?
Is he British? Where is he from? He's from England.
(55:41):
He's literally from Camera Meal. Really, that's right? That is that? James,
Caroline Cotter, thank you so much for being here today.
You're welcome. Is there a a place or a thing
you'd like to promote to the folks listening. Sure, I
(56:04):
think it's good to you know, I've been donating. Donate
where you want, but a CLU is great, Black Lives
Matter and any sort of of the National bailout funds
are great. Thank you so much for that. Cole Stratton, Hello,
thanks for having me again. It's always fun. Great to
have you in the pack. Yeah, and not really much
to promote right now other than try to help out
(56:26):
in your community as much as you can keep it positive,
help out, loving that. Chris Alvarado, thank you very much
for having me. U fun stuff in a weird time.
And yeah, just echo win everyone else's sentiment. We've been
donating here. It's the least we could do, obviously, and
we're just trying to learn and learn and learn. Thank
(56:48):
you for that. Jessica Lowe, Hey, I just want to
encourage everyone to register to vote and get out there
in November. It is crucial now more than ever. Joey Greer, Yes,
thank you sir, thank you for having me vote. Uh
and definitely look two different. Uh. The a c l
(57:08):
U and the different organizations you can fund to help
UH and be active in your local communities. UH. The
things you're most affected by is your local government, so
I know who all city commissioners and all that. Just
you educate yourself. Please, Black Lives Matter. Thanks everybody. Let's
thank our engineering producer to the stars, Mr Doug Bain,
(57:32):
and the fine folks that I hurt media. I'm your host,
Kevin Polk. Please write to the podcast your name here
and Alchemy this Tech back. Let's take that again. I'm
your host, Kevin poll Again. Please write to the podcast.
That's your name here at alcomey this dot com. We'd
love to hear from you. Keep in touch. We love
(57:53):
your involvement in the show. But that's it for this one.
Until next time. And a football pepper, Hello, and a
(58:26):
football pepper.
Alchemy This News
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Kevin Pollak
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