November 23, 2021 • 55 mins
Lampsters, a hampster-powered lamp;
Backstage at the sitcom "Schitts;"
Permit office for museums.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of ELK I mean this
signer guests pull stride in for KP for just a
little bit longer, hanging there, everybody, Let's meet everybody today,
shall we? First up, it's Chris Alvarado. Chris, if you
could have given yourself a nickname when you're younger, what
is it? Then? Is? I know you're supposed to be
given them, but if you could choose it well, ones
(00:23):
that I had with Taz Crass and see Murder? Is
that for child murder? One that would give myself would
have been probably see Murder? So do you please please do?
(00:45):
But I'm gonna imagine it's s e a murder like
you kill nice. Next up, Jackie Gonzalez to Ruthie, Hello, Jackie.
Is there like a word that is really tough for
you to say or pronounced? I know that like I
for some reason, I get hung up on bagel because
I said bagel as a kid growing up, so I
(01:08):
held up on Is there anything like that for you? Um?
I'm not sure if there's one word word that gets
me every time, but I certainly struggle with words, at
least one word on the daily, especially if I'm tired. Um,
if I'm tired, it really takes me a long time
to to get U words out sometimes. And I used
(01:29):
to work at a deli super early in the morning,
and I remember like sometimes, I mean, it would just
take me so long, and then they wouldn't tip me,
and I'm like, okay, well, clearly I'm having some issues,
Like I can't believe you're not even tipping me. I'm
having a rough day. I can't even say bagel or
whatever it was that they were ordering. Yeah, I would
say different words every day, and per sand is a
(01:51):
weird one and I don't know that's how I say it?
Is that right? Yeah, then I'm fine with that one.
Who you nailed apers And like anyone that I'm good at,
there is next up. It's James he Need he need.
Did you ever hurt yourself bad when you're a kid,
And if so, what happened? I hurt myself a handful
(02:14):
of times. I cracked my head open when I was
probably I don't really remember. Maybe it was the last
day of Christmas vacation or holiday vacation. It was vacation
and we were doing like Winter Olympics in our house,
so we had moved the couch to the middle and
I would run and we do cartwheels over the couch.
(02:35):
But one of those times I hit like there was
like a table and just split my head open, and
like everything seemed to get I didn't pass out, but
everything got really dark and we were trying to like
hide it, like like you know, we're probably we're probably
not supposed to be doing cart wheels over this. I was.
I was a latchkey kid. My parents both worked and
(02:56):
like we were left home to our own devices. But
I got stitches. Was fine, Well that's good at like,
and there's been no damn. Oh, I don't think next
time it's Craig Gikowski. Craig, you're a big movie guy.
We talked about this many times. But what genre of
(03:16):
film is your least favorite? What doesn't work for you?
Because well, I'm gonna go comedy. Comedy is my least favorite,
just because I have high high, high comedic standards and
most film comedy is low low. Uh So, yeah, I
(03:38):
don't see much comedy. I haven't seen many classic comedies
just because you know, I had to look up when
we had that episode where where people who only spoken
movie quotes uh, and we had to finish each other's
You started one cold. I had no idea what it was,
and it was from I had to look it up
as from Dumb and Dumber, which I've never seen, Oh Samson.
I yeah, I think that one. I will never see it.
(04:01):
I will never see it, and it's pretty funny. I
think I'm not a huge fan of scatological humor, which
a lot of stuff falls into and the moments of that,
but there's actually some pretty brilliant comedic moments in that movie.
You know it's not funny, Jim Carrey, Come on, do
you have a favorite comedy movie, like one or one
(04:24):
that you really like and think is good. Maybe it's
not your favorite, but you're like, this one's funny to me.
M m, you know what, you know what? I love
that Barb and Star. I had no want, I had
no desire to watch it, and holy shit, that was shown.
(04:46):
Carlo wasted twenty on that pretty well, I guess. I
guess Dumber and Dumber. I think it's favorite. Yeah. I
did like that when they're at the gas station, that
dog marker. I thought that was great. Yeah, that was
That was a funny movie. That was Jim Carrey. Jim
(05:10):
Carrey is pretty funny. Obviously you haven't seen The Majestic
or Mr. Penguins. I mean some penguin work in that
movie by the effects department. Pretty great. Last, but not least,
it's Joey Greer. Joey, I've heard you've got a hot
new stock tip. What is it? What do we need
to be investing in? All right? Look, legally I'm not
(05:31):
allowed to actually say what stock to invest or not
invest in? Okay, I have to say that. Legally, I
also have to say I'm not a legal stock trader,
so my advice comes from an amateur speculative point of view. Okay,
we all stop. Saw what happened that Robin Hood guy?
What's his name? I forgot his name is something cats
or whatever? Whether they do the reditor, who's doing? Am
(05:52):
I the only one who's like, no idea? You know what? Yes? Okay,
this is I'm a money cat run through. I can't
get enough of it. I swim in it, I live
in it, I dive in it. Okay, It's just what
I'm about. And right now, if you want to get
on the hottest stock, this is something I can't say
legally get out of the stock market. Liquid everything you
(06:13):
can right now, because the stock market A'm gonna be there, honey. Okay,
what you really need to get to is the soupermarket. Alright,
go down if you're in downtown l A. If you
go down to Fourth Street and Broadway, there's just dope,
dope food spot alright now, if you can take all
the money you're taken out of your stock We're stopping
this right now. We have a big show to do.
But great advice, definitely, guys. I'm just gonna invest in Campbell's.
(06:36):
I think that's the long that's the safe. That's the safe,
that's the safe supermarket. Let's do a damn show, Shelly.
All of our scene suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails,
or from our Patreon v I p s to become
a Patreon supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content
and other perks, just handing over to Patreon dot com
slash Alchemy this. If you'd like to submit a scene
(06:58):
suggestion via email, please write to the podcast at our
email address, Alchemy this email at gmail dot com. That's
see one is from Alchemniac Mike del Rosso, who wrote lampsters.
A hamster powered lamp this year's must have gift for
the holidays. Oh my god, honey, the hamsters inside the
(07:24):
gift died. I don't think this lamp is gonna work
when we give it to Timmy. Oh oh gosh. Um, well,
he doesn't need to necessarily know that that's what the
hamsters are there for to light it up. It could
just be a home for the hamsters. The hamsters. So
(07:46):
we just got of a home for a hamster. Get
your coat on. We've got to go get hamsters. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you think Timmy will sleep through the night? Er? Oh? Yeah,
we can probably leave him here, Yeah, we can probably
from here. Okay, he always leaves through the night. Good.
I'm just go ahead. Are used here to try to
(08:07):
get hamsters? Get in line. There's a Black Friday Land
out there. It's the hot new item. Where are gonna
run out? You're gonna have to rush the doors with
everybody else. Get in the line. Will they be living
when we get in because I'm not gonna wait in
this line unless they're living. They will be. But if
you guys rush too hard, they might not be. So
you know, listen, maybe you can understand, we've got like
(08:29):
fifty percent of our gift for our child, and we
need to get the other part of the first half
doesn't even matter. So if you would let us go
in front of you, were one step closer to those
sweet sweet hamsters. You think this is the first hamster
sobs story I've heard today. Every single person in this
line has the reason why they need to get in there.
Excuse me, sir, why do you need to get in here?
(08:53):
Oh god, alright, it's fine, it's fine, all right, we'll
wait patiently. Mom, Dad, Mom, Dad, chicken in the bad Mom, Dad,
(09:18):
They're gone. Yes, my wish came true. Santa granted me
my wish. Oh my god. I called Charlie. Okay, oh
my god, oh my dad, come one. Hello, Hello, Sorry,
(09:47):
I barely got to my wookie phone. What's going on, Charlie.
It happened. It happened, my wish. It came true. My
parents are fucking dead. Oh my hush. Hey, hey, folks,
I noticed you're in the back of the line here
that I'm in. The Odds of you getting the hamster
tonight are pretty pretty slim, Is that true? But let
(10:11):
me guess you bought you bought lampsters for your kid. Yeah,
oh yeah, it happens a lot. You know, they ship
them out live, but you know, it takes a couple
of weeks, you know. And it said it was supposed
to be delivered almost a week earlier, and then of
course they're dead post office. Post Office lost it's funding
(10:31):
and so a lot of hamsters are dead in the mail.
Let's not get political about this. I'm just trying to
keep my head in the game and get some hamsters.
Well yeah, hey, hey, if you want to make your
kid happy this uh this Christmas? Uh, have you considered
Gebel's gerbil Lege. I don't know. With the cold Joey
(10:52):
Gebel's make make from from the commercial, that's right, you
like way different without all that makeup on. They put
on a lot of makeup for those com personals, Like
it's practically cloud face what I'm wearing for that. Uh.
And first of all, I want to make clear that
Gebel's gerbil Light is not a knockoff of lampsters. We
(11:13):
were there first, Well could we put your gebled Gerbils
inside of our hamster lampster? That was my question? Is
it compatible? Compatible? Can Gerbils create the same amount of
power the hamsters do in order to power the lamp,
and I'm here to say, yes, they can't. Oh thank god,
(11:34):
did you get them? Did you get the did you
get the hamsters? I was. I was too like, you
gotta come back. We didn't. I just want to play.
You want to play, you play me for a little bit.
I was like, welcome, everybody, Come on in, Come on in.
(11:56):
This is what's known as a rager. Now officially, you
have hit rage or capacity. Do whatever you want in
the house. I own it now. Anything you need, anything
you want, I'm here to help. I just wanted to
drink Hershey's straight out of the bottle. You guys have that?
Come here, my man, Come here, we land up a
couple of shot glasses. Here, anybody else, anybody else? Can
(12:18):
we see their bodies? That's the things cheers? Cheers? The
thing is, oh, bitch, The thing is, I don't know
where they are. I think God just took their souls
and their bodies when I prayed for them to die. Well,
that's amazing. Hey, you guys ever, you guys ever go
(12:39):
into an adult bathroom, it's pretty fucking crazy. No, I'm
not allowed in my parents. Best, bring everybody, everybody, We're
gonna do a tour of my parents bathroom. No one
seems as excited. I'm stoked. Let's see what's in there. Thanks, alright,
come on, come on, come over here in their bedroom.
They have a bath room in her bedroom. It's called
(13:02):
in sweet whoa isn't her sinks? Go ahead, do whatever
you want and smells different in here? Huh one sink
and that's why they're divorced. Now, what's jack jack foozy tub?
I don't know, but oh that like bubbles and has jets.
(13:25):
Hear me out? What if he filled it up and
jumped in? Yeah, Joey, what's going on so late? What
do you mean you gotta open the shop back up?
Come on? Can I just do it in the morning
or something? I gotta get all these gerbils out right now,
come on, let me just yeah, yeah, hey, we made
a sale. We made a sale. Oh my god, let's
(13:47):
just call it quitch man. That amster lambster's really just
taken over. No, no, it's not, it's not. We were
there first. We were there first, that this nice couple
would like, uh, what do we what do we think?
What do we think five Gerbil keep it powered because hamsters,
you know, that will create a little more power per
per rodent. Okay, because we did have three hamsters, originally three,
(14:15):
and these are going to fit in the hamster lambster
we already have, right, we don't got to get a
new Did you bring the lambster with you? No? Okay,
but um, I remember the size and I can kind
of mind it to you. Gerbils are a little leaner,
a little leaner and longer in hamsters, So I think,
(14:36):
you know, I think the tubes they will fit in
the same tubes. If they're not compatible, bring it back
for a full for a full extreme. It's too late
to bring it back. It's Christmas Eve, It's Christmas Black Friday,
Christmas Eve. All right, we're gonna do spin the bottle
with my dad's forty four magnum, So everybody sit down,
sit down, not a bottle. Look. I don't know what
(14:59):
you it is, Theresa, but you've been correcting everybody all night. Sorry, guys,
it's almost like ever since I got a twelve eighty
on the s A T s UM, I'm freaking feeling myself.
You're in fifth grade. That's good. That's amazing. I give
him a shot, you know, because what's the standardized test
if not a way to test myself. And in the moment,
(15:22):
you can keep doing all of this talking, or you
can start doing some kissing because the gun barrels pointing
at you. Okay, So that's okay, great, So who's who's
spun it? Who spun it? I didn't spin it? Okay,
So I guess I'm kissing myself. Okay, Okay, guys watched this?
Is it? How smart I am? I can figure this
(15:44):
one out. Don't worry, don't worry. Okay. So if I
divide myself into two, that's what I do. Not to
correct you, but I usually put my fist in the
shape of the face, and the thumb becomes the mouth,
and I kiss. I kiss my hand where the thumb
and my knuckles meat, and it's like lips. It's just
like lips. Why don't we all do that make out session?
(16:06):
Spend the bottle in Russian Roulette? What's Russian? Well one,
I got you? Okay. So these uh, these chervils in
the bag, they're going to be fine. It seems like
this bag is pretty tight. Yeah, yeah, that's an air
tight bag. No way, no, no where that How long?
(16:28):
How long to travel to get home? It's not that long.
What do you say? It's late at nights, no traffic, traffic,
but Rold's dead. I wish this. Okay, guys, I know
exactly what you do. We choppled up into the smallest
pieces possible, wide and large throughout the city. That way,
(16:51):
no one is implemented. Chen, let me kitchen, Grab knives,
grab whatever you can became. It was a pretty U
s A t that I took. I'm not sure that
it was the official one, but I learned a lot. Okay, everybody,
grab a knife? Do you have a knife? Oh? Whoa, whoa,
We've got a change of plans here else, we've got well,
(17:16):
one of our guys, Sammy Lemon tight he's he went
from nice to naughty. Oh no, and he went from
naughty to naughty here literally he had the audacity to
pray to me as if I was God, So already
we're in some kind of naughty's own religiously her heresy.
(17:40):
Or then then he prayed for he wished for his
parents to be dead. Whoa, it's very naughty. Little Darryl
Thompson just disappeared from the list. What happened to Well,
you better believe that Sammy Lemon tight shot him in
the face a human name, because it sounds like an
(18:02):
elf name is Elforn. He sounded elf borne. Whoa, maybe
this is he must be sacrificed. Al Right, guys, everybody
line up for some more Hershey shots. I'm really proud
of everybody. We really put our minds together, chopped that
body up, spread them all around the garden and the yard,
(18:22):
and there's no sign up there all anymore. So raise
a glass. I don't feel good. I don't know if
it was the first shot of Hershey's or dismembering her friend.
I don't feel good because if yeah, I listened to
my plan. It was to spread out the body parts
throughout the city so that you're not in any kind
(18:43):
of suspicion. But it's all in your personal yard. I
think you're gonna get you own this house now. So
and you shot him in Roulette. That's not the routes, yo, Sammy, Sammy,
there's the lights in your driveway. Maybe it's Anna, maybe
in Santa Everybody. I hope he's still asleep. That's sweet,
(19:05):
little precious baby. Are doing, neighbors, How are you keep
it down? Now? You walk? Can't sleep? Can't sleep? You know? Yeah,
Christmas is always that time of year when it's like,
oh yeah, that's right, we're in Chicago. What's what's what's
going on with y'all? What are y'all doing? Well, look
(19:27):
at this bag of gerbils. We're trying to keep their
sleeping right now. But that's just because of no, we
just bought these. We just you guys sneak out of here.
I don't think they see us. I mean, look, if
you tell me they're sleeping, they're sleeping. But I mean
they looked good. I'll shake them a little bit. Wow,
(19:47):
that was a hard shake, sweet you very very wonder
them fell out of the bag and it's on the ground.
I mean they're dead. But did you get a dog, Jim?
I thought I heard some rustling in the bushes. No dog,
no dog, no, no, no, just me. Everyone really wants
you to have a partner. Honey. Guess what, Darrel's dead.
My wish came true. That's our first see too. Is
(20:19):
from listener Luca, who wrote, Hey everyone, I've got a
scene idea backstage at Nicholas Shitspin's iconic sitcom Ships. It's
not a show about nothing, It's a show about shipping.
Thanks Luca. Just make sure your cell phones from the back, okay,
recording Okay, and just um laugh when they tell me
(20:41):
to laugh or laugh when I feel it in my heart.
You're laugh laugh when they they tell you a laugh.
And if you're coming down off of the off of
the seating and you're gonna stand backstage, just just don't
just don't make any noise I get. Just stand backstage.
That's what that passes you. Oh my gosh, this is
so exciting. I thought, you know, my dad has one line.
(21:02):
I didn't think I was gonna get all the perks.
I've been dying to meet Nicholas Shitzman. She's gonna be backstage.
He has to be, he probably, yeah, but the please
just don't talk to her. He takes the coolest shits.
He takes the coolest shit. Yeah, all right, we'll just
follow the path right here, the yellow line. I'll take
your backstage. Oh my god, amazing. I wish I had
(21:23):
friends to share this with. Hi, I'm next. You go great.
Just put your phone in the sleeve here, Okay, do
I have to. Um, I thought my past gave me privileges. Well,
let's see the past right here. Oh yeah, yeah you
can know, yeah you can. You don't need to put
in the sleep, just to keep it on silent and
(21:43):
the volume down. That's it. If you're in the stands,
please laugh when the title up. And then if you
know you want to go backstage, just ball the yellow okay, okay, um, okay,
thank you, Hey, were you? I'm next as refless to go, right, yep,
here's a pass. All right, here's to sleep for your phone.
(22:05):
Oh well, read the past. I have privileges. I'm I
get to be on the show whatever part I want
this week. Let me see that. Oh you're right, yeah okay, yeah,
uh so just um laugh when it's your line to laugh.
Excuse me, I'm just gonna cross back through you excuse me. Alright,
So just follow the green line and uh, I'll take
(22:26):
you right to the stage and talking to the directors
and the writing and cast and everyone else. Right, great,
definitely worth that extra twenty bucks for this past. Hey,
Nicky Chitz, Uh five minutes, but just I know you
like five minutes, so it's actually ten minutes. But I
tell you five minutes, because I know it takes you
a little bit longer to get ready. You go taking
(22:47):
a ship? Okay, okay, nicky Um, a couple of things. Um,
we're getting rid of the second line in the second scene,
so we're crossing that line out. And also they wanted
me to tell you that, um, some people are in
the audience tonight. Okay, I'm taking this ship. Hell yeah, dude, okay,
so that's five. We needs you on set in five.
(23:09):
Oh god, excuse me, sir. Yeah yeah, Um have you
seen Nick nicol? Um? Have you seen my dad? Who's
your dad? His name is Nicholas Heyworthy. He's playing Janitor.
Let me see. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, he's in
(23:32):
He's at She's a nut trailer right there. Okay, do
I look cool? I'm sorry? Do I look cool? It's
been a while that I've I've been seen him in
a while? Yeah, pretty? Yeah? Is this California cool? I'm
from New Hampshire. Oh. I just kind of came here
(23:53):
to say to my dad. Oh he doesn't know you're here. No, no,
and you haven't seen him in a while. Barely looks
at those that I look like, Yeah, no, I haven't
seen him in a while, you know, keep looking here
when I was four to um follow his dreams and
here he's trailer right there? Can I can I confess
something to you. I've been acting for thirty years and
(24:13):
this is my first part on a on a sitcom.
Oh that's pretty cool. I just bought this pass. I
don't even know what I'm supposed to say. You're what.
I bought a pass and then it was like twenty
bucks more and it says be on the show. So
I got it. How many how many lines do you have?
(24:34):
I have no idea, I don't know what I'm supposed
to say. I don't know what my character is. It
just says beyond the show. So they sent me to
send me down this green line. I've just been walking
on this green line. It just keeps going. Started to interrupt. Um,
I have some updates here for you. Hey, welcome, welcome.
You paid the fee? Correct? Yes, yes, I did, great, terrific.
So your character actually has a name, You're Larry. Take
(24:55):
a look. So you're in there in the first three
scenes about even there. Well well done, well done, Pala,
I got the one line. What was your characters name? Again? Well,
it's janitor in the script. But I think I think
his name is is Clarence Tuppets. Okay, I mean that's
(25:16):
just the backstory that I've worked out, Oh Jenner, quick
note here. So um, so it's says Nick or actually?
Is that confusing? If I'm Nick and Nicky Shits is
also Nick, you can call me hey Worthy. M h
m hmm. Well you're never actually characters never referenced by
name either way. So whatever character name you need to
make yourself uncomfortable, get out of here. That's how I
(25:40):
was gonna do it. Is that too gruff? Or No?
That sounds pretty good, except that it's not get out
of here anymore. It's it's scream scram Okay. So it's
just the one one the word, the one word update
on the scripts. Here. We're gonna cut the janitor. We're
it's gonna cut the janitor. Okay, yeah, what do you
mean cut? What do oh? That is that the guy
with a this is one of our writers here? Just okay, okay,
(26:04):
well I'm scram I'm here actually, So now that we
have the updated scram out of here, scram out of
it's not scram anymore. Actually added the line back it is.
It's get out of here and don't come back anymore.
But it's not your line, sir. You have it to
this guy. I'm not the writers. The writers, well just
don't just don't it if you're the one relating the news.
(26:27):
I feel back forybody like he can do my part
with me. We can just do it in unison together. Yeah,
here's here's here's an idea. Here's an idea. Um. You
see that group puddle up over there around those monitors.
Those are the writers. Feel free if you want to
talk to them. I'm sure they'd love to hear your ideas. Okay, Oh,
here's my paperwork. By the way. Um, I'm just gonna
sign you out now. Okay, guess alright, So I want
(26:48):
to be I'm gonna be doing the crowd of the
crowd warm off you can. NICKI said, this is great.
Who's the Vanda? And Nicki's me me? Who's who came
from the farthest Who came from the farthest frois Arizona.
(27:14):
I came from Burbank, but I flew around the world
the other way to get here. Are you trying to
be fucking funny? Huh? What are you trying to be fun.
Oh I really did keep your as you understand that,
fucking as alright, visiting friends in New Zealand. This is
my job, all right, I'm the crowd warm up to you.
Understand that? Okay, okay, alright from far away. I came
(27:36):
from Arctic Research Station fifteen at the polls. Really did
kick your ass. Huh, everybody, Okay, I got this bag.
I got this bag of pretzels, half bag of pretzels.
Who wants a bag? Who wants a little bit? I
(27:56):
wants a pretzel? It's open, Nikki bud ah you Mr five.
Did you take a ship? Yeah? So we need you.
Um a sap. We're ready to go. We got a
nice big house out there tonight. They're excited to see you.
Um so when you come on up. But Marty, thanks
(28:18):
for picking me up and getting me the hell out
of there. Man, I just got a voice recording me
saying I'm gonna take a ship. I can't. I can't
do the show anymore. Man. I just feel like it's
who I am. It's just just not there. Right. I
was supposed to be an artist. You know you are
an artist, Nicky. This is your gig. I don't know, Marty,
but you know what, you can retire on this. You
(28:40):
could get yourself out of the beach sometime. I do
you know what happened with me in my acts? Okay,
we put up. He was just so into himself and
then I got in a three way with that other
girl and it just didn't work out. I just was
handing it like a great time, Nicky. I think of
that story as a legendary story. Marty. It's not about sex, okay,
for God's sakes, it's about the substance, all right. You
(29:03):
know I watched videos about people having sex like you
described to me. I don't get the problem, NICKI. I
think you should get back in there and do your set.
You got talent, you're an artist. It's a it's a sitcom,
it's not a set, Marty. I appreciate you listening to Uh, sir,
sir before you leave, Janitor or whatever your your name is. Um.
(29:25):
I know you're you Clarence stuff and um there, so
we have to escort you off the lot in just
a moment. But you do have a guess what um
you had? You have somebody who didn't. I didn't invite anyone.
I was gonna make me too nervous. I don't know
what to say. She's actually at the craft crafty over there,
she's the one, it looks like kind of she looks
(29:46):
at California cool. Oh. I did send postcards to every
casting director in town. Oh, she's right over that crafty.
But you gotta you gotta keep it quick because we're
gonna start shooting and we need you escort it. We
need you off right. I better tell us and Jones
individually wrapped twizzlers. Keep him fresh? Oh hey, hey, no
(30:09):
you Um, yes, and I know you, and I just
want to say I'm not mad at you. I'm actually
really proud of you for following your dreams coming out
here and acting. Excuse me, sorry, excuse me. I'm a
security I'm supposed to take you off the lot. What
(30:31):
am I interrupting something? Yeah, I'm swing that camera this way.
Just trust me, Just trust me. Now let's start ruling.
I know you. You look familiar. Yeah, um, well I should,
(30:52):
and maybe just a little bit older. It's tradition to
have your hands behind your back clocked up while we
do this, so you can continue the conversation. Just being arrested. No,
you're just being escorted, but it's gonna it's not traditional.
You sadest. How many times have you've been escorted off
a lot? Never? I've never been on. It's tradish. Put
(31:15):
your hands behind your back. But Nicky's gone. I don't
know where he is. Biggest episodes. Yes, Florence, Yes, I am,
Oh my gosh, and are you Florence Pew? Okay, everybody, everybody,
keep it down, Keep it down. Uh you sir, the
one who paid the fee. Look, Nicky's gone. We're gonna
(31:36):
give you all of his lines. We need you on
right now. Go the rest of us. Just keep this
conversation down. You would need to bump somebody up to
take over his parts. If he's gonna take over Nicky's,
that's a good point. Should I unlock him? Lock mesk
study that's Florence Floren's pew or Florence my daughter pew?
(32:00):
What do you think? I think the daughter? What do
you think? Going with the daughter? Okay, let's go to daughter. Okay, okay, no, no,
you're no, you're in it. You're in it. Okay, female,
you are now Nikki ships there's a script and there
you are, daughter. There you go your your lines now
and go go go, go, go, go go go. You
took my name? Yeah, uh hey, sorry it took so long.
(32:24):
I was taking a ship scram out of here. Where
do you want me to go? Ships? Vil? He's breaking
free from the cutch. I just wanted you to do
my homework for me. Man, oh boy, trigonometry talk about
(32:49):
a lot of shit. Yeah, and I paid you money
to do it. Hey, crowd, warm up, guy, get this
audience is to laugh. You need what's going on? I
don't know what I'm doing. I don't know, Dad, help me.
What's my intent? What do I want from this guy
in this scene? I guess you just want to connect
(33:12):
with him. Okay, thank you. You're such a good actor.
Are you talking to me? I just think that you're
really good and you know what you're doing. I've actually
involved me in your footsteps, and I've been doing some
local theater work. Really it's amazing. Okay, we can't, guys,
(33:33):
we can't have this conversation. Stick to the script. Script
the line Nicki's gone, the show is falling apart. To
be honest, our audience isn't laughing. This is this is
as security I can be honest, it was that this
whole thing really relied on Nikki ships. Do you watch
comedy movies? I mean here at this office, but not
(33:56):
outside of work. I keep working pleasure separate. So you
think maybe you could do this? How, yeah, I can
do this. Nicky Shits isn't talented. He just happens to
have great writers. Do you really think that security officer?
What is that? Jim Terry can do this role? Look
(34:17):
as you can tell, it's been a weird day here.
I say, let's go let's get let's get Janitor down,
let's get Flora's the daughter, let's get you fe mane,
and let's get Jim care of the security officer. And
I think we should also get the crowd warm up.
Guy down here, come on, come down here, do come
down here. I was awful. Well maybe he's better on camera.
Here we go look at this new alrighty then, and
(34:41):
that's our section. See three. It's from listeners Simon. He wrote,
Dear Kevin, I just moved from New York to Colorado
and alchemy. This got me through the twix hour drive.
Thank you all for the amazing pocket. That's a lot
of podcast to listen to. My suggestion comes from my
(35:02):
driving experience passing by oddly specific museums, including the sod
House Museum. Seen suggestion permit office from museums, order up, Simon.
All right, we've got all of the permits stacked up here,
but nobody seems to be applying for museums anymore. Maybe
(35:25):
museums are just a thing of the past because of
the Internet. Ah, hello, I have an appointment, an appointment.
Let me look through my book. I didn't. I wasn't
expecting that. Okay, okay, there you are. You must be
Brian's Yes, Hi, Brian, here's a Have you filled out
(35:48):
a permit for him yet? I actually have? Ye? Oh
you're so responsible. It was easy. I just printed it
online and Internet. I wish it didn't exist. Okay, so
it does look like you filled this all out correctly.
And I wrought to check out to the permit office
(36:08):
for Sarise. We've got a check sharise, come up here.
We're gonna stay open, all right. So you want to
start a museum on start a museum on uh, pornography.
I don't think that's uh. I don't think that's appropriate pornography.
(36:34):
You mean, I assume nudity. Yeah, that's part of it.
I don't I don't think Sureie Shreise, could you come
up here? Yeah? Sorry, I was climbing all the stairs. Sorry,
Mr Kettlewell, we've got an applicant and here's the check
for his, uh, for his to check to see if
(36:55):
we approve it. But it's not approved. But take the
check quick, quick money, big money. But be honest, do
you think that we could take up Museum of Pornography? Parno?
What you shortened it? By the way, there seems to
be a line for me about Oh there's more people, Charisse.
(37:18):
We might not have to close after all, to close
the permit office for museums, because no one was trying
to open up museums on the internet. Everybody can just
look up what they want to learn on the internet,
but I guess they don't have that for pornography. Just
want it's not Wow, this place is amazing. Oh look
(37:39):
it's the dick from anal Barbara's twelve. Whoa, Oh my gosh.
They don't touch that. Keep on the line. Sorry, Oh
my gosh, this is insane, it's crazy. Oh my gosh. Honestly,
I want to sneak a selfie. Make it look like
I'm fleeting it. You can't put your mouth on that.
(38:04):
Sorry I put it. It looked like it was touching it.
I mean I can only dream. Excuse me, sir me?
Uh huh what I just said a question? Um, is
there any way to meet the porno stars here? Meet
the porno stars? Uh? Huh? Do you want to meet
(38:28):
in common when you go to the Field Museum? Yeah,
I mean yeah, I'm sorry. You probably do want to,
but you can't. The porn the porno stars aren't here.
These are just memorabilia. These are artifacts from the events
are here. Let's see a lot of people walking around
(38:48):
with trench coats and hats on. Oh my god, Oh
my god, who is this? Might recognize me? Hold on,
take my pants down. It's long slongh on. Oh, it's
just part of the exhibit. Huge, huge fans. I mean
(39:10):
those scenes you did with tiny Box Rachel, I mean
that was really weird but amazing. We're I don't even know.
I fun fact, her box wasn't even that tiny. Hey hey, hey, folks,
I couldn't help, but notice you're at the back of
the line for this, uh for this permit? Uh that
(39:34):
the odds of getting your permit today are are pretty low.
There's a lot of a lot of folks in front
of you. Uh So I was wondering if I have
a space that recently opened up, uh that that is
available to maybe put a museum. Man. Okay, okay, all right,
I got what I got. I hoped you. I hooked
Jim Joey Garbles by the way us from the commercials. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
(39:58):
that I've moved on. I've moved on that that makeup
on the commercial holy ship. Yeah, it's a lot. It's
a lot, isn't it. But this is my real face,
without the without the clown makeup on. Anyway, I got
destroyed by lampsters, destroyed, destroyed by lambsters. And I've got
a a three thousand foot retail space that that is available,
(40:21):
uh for for maybe for maybe a museum. And I
wouldn't ask you to get a permit. I wouldn't ask
you to get a firm really. Yeah, what's what's your
museum about? Just? Uh flakes of human skin? So um
you sick? Fuck it was sick fuck? No thanks kicking, sir, sir,
(40:45):
you're toward the back of the line. The odds of
getting in today are pretty slim. I'm Joey Garbel's from
the commercials. I gotta I gotta retail space that that
it needs a tenant now, and I wouldn't ask you
to to get the permit that that this government regulation.
You know, I'm interested, I'm interested. Okay, what what's your museum.
(41:09):
It's a gym Carey museum. Uh huh. It's devoted to
a devoted to his dramatic work. I'm assuming that will
be part of it. That'll be the serious annex wing,
but it'll be mostly his comedies, his his appearances on
talk shows when opinions on vaccinations is beer. It's gonna
(41:30):
be great. You know. I'm gonna be charging fifty grand
a month for the space, so it's probably out of
your price range. And we're gonna get a pornography museum.
So you can go back to the back of the line, sir,
you're out of here. Well, some something just happened something.
(41:50):
Let's say, how was your day, grandpa. You look like
you got a lot of exercise, and I like that. Well,
there was a lot of action at the permit permit
shop today. You're trying to get another permit I love that.
(42:11):
That's wonderful. But would you believe somebody wanted to open
a pornography museum? I told them no, So thank god
that will never open up. We got to keep the
streets clean, sweetheart, Your grandpa is a hero sure, and
and and my hero grandpa still has a very large
(42:33):
bank account, right, like, not getting giving that permit didn't
really well. The good news is is our our business
plan means people paid to apply. That doesn't mean that
they get the permit. I mean, I don't want to
sound evil, but that's the way it works. And I'm
not counting your money. I just was worried aboutn't expect.
So you probably are most excited to one day take
(42:56):
over the permit office, right did you believe if I
gave a permit to a man for human flicks of
skin today, but not the pornos? Oh no, no, no,
did you know that pornography? I'm sorry, So we're gonna
have to close down your storefront. I mean there's nothing inside,
you have no rent coming in. I'm sorry, that's just
(43:18):
uh huh? And and who are you? Who are you
to say so? I just aren't for the city, sir. Okay,
I'm just giving you the news. I'm just giving you
the news. All right, hold it right there, part of me.
Hi when Larry, I don't know Larry Lambster. Here's my
business card, Oh my god, from Hamster Lambsters. I want
(43:41):
to talk to you, Mr g. You know when I
bought one of these, all the hamsters were dead. All right,
when I bought that, the hamsters were dead. You just
want me to know that I do. Okay, Yeah, A
lot of people had that problem. Listen, Gebel, I like you, Gebels,
I like you g a lot. Today's your lucky day.
(44:03):
I want to help you out. No, no way, Lambster
is your Christian name. By the way, it changed. It
changed in after it came up with a product that's
neither here nor there. This this briefcase full of money,
says I can call myself whatever I want, and I
want to give this to you verbals because you're a
good person. You're a decent person. I mean, the Girbles
(44:24):
traditionally weren't a good good family. I spell it differently.
At the end of the day, Sarah, you know, yeah,
I got a perfect SCOREMT s A T. So I
can go there and probably get a full ride. But
after college, you know, I just I don't want to work.
M hm. You know, I want to have fun at college,
(44:47):
but afterwards I just kind of don't. I don't know.
I can't really think about right that that right now
at the wake, it's just so crazy that he died,
you know what I mean, right, that's crazy, eat super crazy.
The problem is it's bringing up a lot of he
hasn't been at school at all. Oh, for real, he's
(45:09):
thatch I know. God, I mean, hey, kids, friends, face
for me to me at the part of museum. Now listen,
we all know what happened that night, okay, and it's
our secret, and we got to live with that for
the rest of our lives. You know, my parents came home,
they weren't dead. Everything I fucked up that night. But
(45:33):
I just want to make a pact with you here
in front of this exhibit that we don't say anything forever. Okay.
That means if you go away to Yale, you don't
say anything. It means if one day you become a
security guard, you don't say anything. That means if one
day you want to open up, it's just the permit office. Yeah, yeah,
(45:56):
we're gonna have to show it down. Apparently permit was
given up in a pornography. Are you okay, Harold? Is
it your heart again? It might be my heart? Look
at me, Harold, look at me. I gotta get this out.
I gotta I gotta say my thing and then we
can get up. But we gotta shut it down. And
we got before they say the three is the killer.
(46:19):
Come on, I got a coup heart attacks too. You
want me to stop? Wait? This is important something wait
before you go wait. I want to tell him something.
I didn't give that permit out. I said, no, what
that must be a black market permit. My granddaughter? Wow,
(46:44):
it's a vial of water from the pond thing and
the Truman show. This is so cool? Ship is that
the number twenty three? From the number twenty three? Oh
my god, this is sick. Get a photo with it.
I'm gonna I'm gonna touch it. I'm gonna touch the
Tony three. Kay. Security is so much more lax here
(47:08):
than the other museums. You know, hey, fellows, do you
guys like Jim Carrey? That means you probably like comedy
in general. Huh? All right, check this out. I got
two free passes to see NICKI shits tonight. What he's
doing secret underground set tonight and tonight only. And I
(47:30):
only can give these two super fans of comedy these tickets.
Look like they just I mean, he looks like you
just wrote this on a piece of paper. Yeah, that's
how underground it is, okay, I mean no one seen
him says he walked off his sitcom six months ago.
This would amazing, This is amazing. All right, I'll leave
you guys there. I'll see you tonight six pm. You
(47:51):
bet man, there's no way this isn't true. What do
you mean? My grandfather didn't leave me any money. He
just left me lifetime passes to the w B lot.
I'm sorry, that's just all the record show, just to
watch whatever sitcoms I want. Yes, I didn't even watch
(48:15):
your thing. I didn't even know it was a thing. No, no, no,
he had money for me. He had money for me
because he didn't he didn't ever want me to work.
The City has acquired his finances, so thank you. There's
a line. Please, what is that? I don't even know
what that like? The city? Do you even be a
lot of attitude? And I'm grieving. Okay, I'm working. There's
(48:40):
I'm next, I'm next, Thank you. Hi, my grandmother died.
Let's see what she left me? Okayst here? Okay, do
you have a proof of grammarship? Mm? Hm? You have
any cookeys there? Any you can see my cheek right here?
It's a little red. Even pinched my cheek, my whole life. Well,
you just do pinch it right then? Okay, okay, let
(49:01):
me let okay, it's a little red. Yeah, okay, thank
you there. Oh great, Okay, she left you a two
story estate right outside Philadelphia, Penmore. Okay. Address yes, six
four sixteen Ashton Road, Ashton Road, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Yeah, seven
(49:26):
four nine three nine. Phone number is six for six six.
I'm next. Sorry, I just had to there's a long hallway.
So what did um? What did? What? Did he leave
me something or something? I didn't expect to be in
the wheel or anything like that. I just kind of
(49:47):
worked for him. Let me see here, Arnie Davis, Charlie David's.
It's just kind of my intuition. I just like PLoP
my finger on your name. I don't even know it,
I just it. They just summoned the intended to be
a bouquet salesman and served me, we have to do that,
We have to do that. It's actually a scary job,
(50:09):
um because most of his finances, if not all of them,
have been acquired by the city. But he did, he
was able to leave this to here. It's um. It's
a golden permit. It's a four inch thick, six inch
wide golden It's huge. It's just pure gold. Do you
(50:32):
want to take that? How much do you think that
this is worth? I have no idea. I just I
mean if I had a guest to three billion dollars. Again,
all right, thanks everybody for coming out to this very
secretive performance. Snappy fingers if you're in a good mood. Yeah, okay, okay, okay.
(50:59):
Now he's been on for a while, but he's been
in the lab, so to speak, cooking up some funny
it's just for you. Now. We don't have long because
we are squatting here in this warehouse. But he's gonna
do his set as best he can. Make some noise
for the one the only Nicholas ships man. All right, okay, everybody,
(51:29):
that's not that's not Niki shit, It's not Nicky shit.
Oh god, oh god, Oh yeah, who wants a mega
prencils that's his warm up guy, So good, don't show.
(51:53):
Let's meet everybody, see what they're up to. Jackie and
dullast or Earthy. Hey Cole, thanks to have me. What
a good time. I love this, this troop, this crew
of peeps. Um, you know me, you know me. I'm
watching and talking all about Christmas movies all the time.
So you can check it out on the most Wonderful
(52:14):
Pot of the Year. That's that's where you can find
me and Jackie Ruthy on Instagram moved as well. Nice Alvarado.
Thank you, Cole. It's fun to play with you and
everybody has always you know, last week I got to
do a show at the West Side Comedy Theater. Those
are starting to pick back up, So if you are
(52:34):
in the Santa Monica area, or I guess just in
Los Angeles, come check out a show. Um. The improv
shows are typically Monday nights. You can go to west
Side Comedy dot com to see when I'm playing when
other people on this in this podcast are playing. Actually, Cole,
I saw you there on Monday as well. Yeah, cob
last night, Hey day, I'm sure Bear supply be making
(52:57):
a pretty pretty pony YEA check check that out Westside
Comedy dot Com. Nice Craigatkowski. I gotta say if from
the from the second scene, uh, Canonically, Jim Carey received
his first acting role, being promoted from security guard to
a walk on part in the Nikki Shit sitcom. Then
(53:20):
six months later, after Nicky Shits had walked off his sitcom,
there was a full devoted Jim Carey Museum dedicated to
all the movies and television shows he had shot in
that six month period. So this is now canonically true
in the world of Alchemy this from now on, and
I recommend the documentary Jim and Andy the Great Beyond
if you want to see a little more about Jim
(53:42):
Carey's working process as a as a serious method actor.
Great and go ahead and change his Wikipedia page to
reflect everything you jaf Ceney. Well, I'm so excited to
be finishing another episode of Alchemy this if you like
to join us on November it's our live hang. It
(54:04):
will be our Thanksgiving style live hang. It's the last
Saturday of every month at ten am Pacific Standard time.
Twitch dot tv Slash Alchemy this nice, Joey Greare, I
can't I said, I wanted to say it again. Get
the soup, Get soup. That's that's that. That's all I'm
gonna say. You can't say anymore legally. Yell, we understand.
(54:27):
I'm at Cole Strander at Stratton Cole On Socials SF
sketch Fest dot com twenty anniversary festival in January, the
seventh coming back. We're optimistic everything will go okay because
you know, the world is still a bit of a
dumpster fire. Our line up comes out November nineteenth, so
head on over there then to take us one uh
some podcast called Alchemy This will probably be part of
(54:49):
the lineup. Check out that day and come see us
live in San Francisco. Gang. Let's thank our engineering producer
Doug Bay and the fine folks at I heeart Media
dot com. Please write to us at Alchemy this email
(55:09):
at gmail dot com. That'scom until next time.
Welcome back to another episode of ELK I mean this
signer guests pull stride in for KP for just a
little bit longer, hanging there, everybody, Let's meet everybody today,
shall we? First up, it's Chris Alvarado. Chris, if you
could have given yourself a nickname when you're younger, what
is it? Then? Is? I know you're supposed to be
given them, but if you could choose it well, ones
(00:23):
that I had with Taz Crass and see Murder? Is
that for child murder? One that would give myself would
have been probably see Murder? So do you please please do?
(00:45):
But I'm gonna imagine it's s e a murder like
you kill nice. Next up, Jackie Gonzalez to Ruthie, Hello, Jackie.
Is there like a word that is really tough for
you to say or pronounced? I know that like I
for some reason, I get hung up on bagel because
I said bagel as a kid growing up, so I
(01:08):
held up on Is there anything like that for you? Um?
I'm not sure if there's one word word that gets
me every time, but I certainly struggle with words, at
least one word on the daily, especially if I'm tired. Um,
if I'm tired, it really takes me a long time
to to get U words out sometimes. And I used
(01:29):
to work at a deli super early in the morning,
and I remember like sometimes, I mean, it would just
take me so long, and then they wouldn't tip me,
and I'm like, okay, well, clearly I'm having some issues,
Like I can't believe you're not even tipping me. I'm
having a rough day. I can't even say bagel or
whatever it was that they were ordering. Yeah, I would
say different words every day, and per sand is a
(01:51):
weird one and I don't know that's how I say it?
Is that right? Yeah, then I'm fine with that one.
Who you nailed apers And like anyone that I'm good at,
there is next up. It's James he Need he need.
Did you ever hurt yourself bad when you're a kid,
And if so, what happened? I hurt myself a handful
(02:14):
of times. I cracked my head open when I was
probably I don't really remember. Maybe it was the last
day of Christmas vacation or holiday vacation. It was vacation
and we were doing like Winter Olympics in our house,
so we had moved the couch to the middle and
I would run and we do cartwheels over the couch.
(02:35):
But one of those times I hit like there was
like a table and just split my head open, and
like everything seemed to get I didn't pass out, but
everything got really dark and we were trying to like
hide it, like like you know, we're probably we're probably
not supposed to be doing cart wheels over this. I was.
I was a latchkey kid. My parents both worked and
(02:56):
like we were left home to our own devices. But
I got stitches. Was fine, Well that's good at like,
and there's been no damn. Oh, I don't think next
time it's Craig Gikowski. Craig, you're a big movie guy.
We talked about this many times. But what genre of
(03:16):
film is your least favorite? What doesn't work for you?
Because well, I'm gonna go comedy. Comedy is my least favorite,
just because I have high high, high comedic standards and
most film comedy is low low. Uh So, yeah, I
(03:38):
don't see much comedy. I haven't seen many classic comedies
just because you know, I had to look up when
we had that episode where where people who only spoken
movie quotes uh, and we had to finish each other's
You started one cold. I had no idea what it was,
and it was from I had to look it up
as from Dumb and Dumber, which I've never seen, Oh Samson.
I yeah, I think that one. I will never see it.
(04:01):
I will never see it, and it's pretty funny. I
think I'm not a huge fan of scatological humor, which
a lot of stuff falls into and the moments of that,
but there's actually some pretty brilliant comedic moments in that movie.
You know it's not funny, Jim Carrey, Come on, do
you have a favorite comedy movie, like one or one
(04:24):
that you really like and think is good. Maybe it's
not your favorite, but you're like, this one's funny to me.
M m, you know what, you know what? I love
that Barb and Star. I had no want, I had
no desire to watch it, and holy shit, that was shown.
(04:46):
Carlo wasted twenty on that pretty well, I guess. I
guess Dumber and Dumber. I think it's favorite. Yeah. I
did like that when they're at the gas station, that
dog marker. I thought that was great. Yeah, that was
That was a funny movie. That was Jim Carrey. Jim
(05:10):
Carrey is pretty funny. Obviously you haven't seen The Majestic
or Mr. Penguins. I mean some penguin work in that
movie by the effects department. Pretty great. Last, but not least,
it's Joey Greer. Joey, I've heard you've got a hot
new stock tip. What is it? What do we need
to be investing in? All right? Look, legally I'm not
(05:31):
allowed to actually say what stock to invest or not
invest in? Okay, I have to say that. Legally, I
also have to say I'm not a legal stock trader,
so my advice comes from an amateur speculative point of view. Okay,
we all stop. Saw what happened that Robin Hood guy?
What's his name? I forgot his name is something cats
or whatever? Whether they do the reditor, who's doing? Am
(05:52):
I the only one who's like, no idea? You know what? Yes? Okay,
this is I'm a money cat run through. I can't
get enough of it. I swim in it, I live
in it, I dive in it. Okay, It's just what
I'm about. And right now, if you want to get
on the hottest stock, this is something I can't say
legally get out of the stock market. Liquid everything you
(06:13):
can right now, because the stock market A'm gonna be there, honey. Okay,
what you really need to get to is the soupermarket. Alright,
go down if you're in downtown l A. If you
go down to Fourth Street and Broadway, there's just dope,
dope food spot alright now, if you can take all
the money you're taken out of your stock We're stopping
this right now. We have a big show to do.
But great advice, definitely, guys. I'm just gonna invest in Campbell's.
(06:36):
I think that's the long that's the safe. That's the safe,
that's the safe supermarket. Let's do a damn show, Shelly.
All of our scene suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails,
or from our Patreon v I p s to become
a Patreon supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content
and other perks, just handing over to Patreon dot com
slash Alchemy this. If you'd like to submit a scene
(06:58):
suggestion via email, please write to the podcast at our
email address, Alchemy this email at gmail dot com. That's
see one is from Alchemniac Mike del Rosso, who wrote lampsters.
A hamster powered lamp this year's must have gift for
the holidays. Oh my god, honey, the hamsters inside the
(07:24):
gift died. I don't think this lamp is gonna work
when we give it to Timmy. Oh oh gosh. Um, well,
he doesn't need to necessarily know that that's what the
hamsters are there for to light it up. It could
just be a home for the hamsters. The hamsters. So
(07:46):
we just got of a home for a hamster. Get
your coat on. We've got to go get hamsters. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you think Timmy will sleep through the night? Er? Oh? Yeah,
we can probably leave him here, Yeah, we can probably
from here. Okay, he always leaves through the night. Good.
I'm just go ahead. Are used here to try to
(08:07):
get hamsters? Get in line. There's a Black Friday Land
out there. It's the hot new item. Where are gonna
run out? You're gonna have to rush the doors with
everybody else. Get in the line. Will they be living
when we get in because I'm not gonna wait in
this line unless they're living. They will be. But if
you guys rush too hard, they might not be. So
you know, listen, maybe you can understand, we've got like
(08:29):
fifty percent of our gift for our child, and we
need to get the other part of the first half
doesn't even matter. So if you would let us go
in front of you, were one step closer to those
sweet sweet hamsters. You think this is the first hamster
sobs story I've heard today. Every single person in this
line has the reason why they need to get in there.
Excuse me, sir, why do you need to get in here?
(08:53):
Oh god, alright, it's fine, it's fine, all right, we'll
wait patiently. Mom, Dad, Mom, Dad, chicken in the bad Mom, Dad,
(09:18):
They're gone. Yes, my wish came true. Santa granted me
my wish. Oh my god. I called Charlie. Okay, oh
my god, oh my dad, come one. Hello, Hello, Sorry,
(09:47):
I barely got to my wookie phone. What's going on, Charlie.
It happened. It happened, my wish. It came true. My
parents are fucking dead. Oh my hush. Hey, hey, folks,
I noticed you're in the back of the line here
that I'm in. The Odds of you getting the hamster
tonight are pretty pretty slim, Is that true? But let
(10:11):
me guess you bought you bought lampsters for your kid. Yeah,
oh yeah, it happens a lot. You know, they ship
them out live, but you know, it takes a couple
of weeks, you know. And it said it was supposed
to be delivered almost a week earlier, and then of
course they're dead post office. Post Office lost it's funding
(10:31):
and so a lot of hamsters are dead in the mail.
Let's not get political about this. I'm just trying to
keep my head in the game and get some hamsters.
Well yeah, hey, hey, if you want to make your
kid happy this uh this Christmas? Uh, have you considered
Gebel's gerbil Lege. I don't know. With the cold Joey
(10:52):
Gebel's make make from from the commercial, that's right, you
like way different without all that makeup on. They put
on a lot of makeup for those com personals, Like
it's practically cloud face what I'm wearing for that. Uh.
And first of all, I want to make clear that
Gebel's gerbil Light is not a knockoff of lampsters. We
(11:13):
were there first, Well could we put your gebled Gerbils
inside of our hamster lampster? That was my question? Is
it compatible? Compatible? Can Gerbils create the same amount of
power the hamsters do in order to power the lamp,
and I'm here to say, yes, they can't. Oh thank god,
(11:34):
did you get them? Did you get the did you
get the hamsters? I was. I was too like, you
gotta come back. We didn't. I just want to play.
You want to play, you play me for a little bit.
I was like, welcome, everybody, Come on in, Come on in.
(11:56):
This is what's known as a rager. Now officially, you
have hit rage or capacity. Do whatever you want in
the house. I own it now. Anything you need, anything
you want, I'm here to help. I just wanted to
drink Hershey's straight out of the bottle. You guys have that?
Come here, my man, Come here, we land up a
couple of shot glasses. Here, anybody else, anybody else? Can
(12:18):
we see their bodies? That's the things cheers? Cheers? The
thing is, oh, bitch, The thing is, I don't know
where they are. I think God just took their souls
and their bodies when I prayed for them to die. Well,
that's amazing. Hey, you guys ever, you guys ever go
(12:39):
into an adult bathroom, it's pretty fucking crazy. No, I'm
not allowed in my parents. Best, bring everybody, everybody, We're
gonna do a tour of my parents bathroom. No one
seems as excited. I'm stoked. Let's see what's in there. Thanks, alright,
come on, come on, come over here in their bedroom.
They have a bath room in her bedroom. It's called
(13:02):
in sweet whoa isn't her sinks? Go ahead, do whatever
you want and smells different in here? Huh one sink
and that's why they're divorced. Now, what's jack jack foozy tub?
I don't know, but oh that like bubbles and has jets.
(13:25):
Hear me out? What if he filled it up and
jumped in? Yeah, Joey, what's going on so late? What
do you mean you gotta open the shop back up?
Come on? Can I just do it in the morning
or something? I gotta get all these gerbils out right now,
come on, let me just yeah, yeah, hey, we made
a sale. We made a sale. Oh my god, let's
(13:47):
just call it quitch man. That amster lambster's really just
taken over. No, no, it's not, it's not. We were
there first. We were there first, that this nice couple
would like, uh, what do we what do we think?
What do we think five Gerbil keep it powered because hamsters,
you know, that will create a little more power per
per rodent. Okay, because we did have three hamsters, originally three,
(14:15):
and these are going to fit in the hamster lambster
we already have, right, we don't got to get a
new Did you bring the lambster with you? No? Okay,
but um, I remember the size and I can kind
of mind it to you. Gerbils are a little leaner,
a little leaner and longer in hamsters, So I think,
(14:36):
you know, I think the tubes they will fit in
the same tubes. If they're not compatible, bring it back
for a full for a full extreme. It's too late
to bring it back. It's Christmas Eve, It's Christmas Black Friday,
Christmas Eve. All right, we're gonna do spin the bottle
with my dad's forty four magnum, So everybody sit down,
sit down, not a bottle. Look. I don't know what
(14:59):
you it is, Theresa, but you've been correcting everybody all night. Sorry, guys,
it's almost like ever since I got a twelve eighty
on the s A T s UM, I'm freaking feeling myself.
You're in fifth grade. That's good. That's amazing. I give
him a shot, you know, because what's the standardized test
if not a way to test myself. And in the moment,
(15:22):
you can keep doing all of this talking, or you
can start doing some kissing because the gun barrels pointing
at you. Okay, So that's okay, great, So who's who's
spun it? Who spun it? I didn't spin it? Okay,
So I guess I'm kissing myself. Okay, Okay, guys watched this?
Is it? How smart I am? I can figure this
(15:44):
one out. Don't worry, don't worry. Okay. So if I
divide myself into two, that's what I do. Not to
correct you, but I usually put my fist in the
shape of the face, and the thumb becomes the mouth,
and I kiss. I kiss my hand where the thumb
and my knuckles meat, and it's like lips. It's just
like lips. Why don't we all do that make out session?
(16:06):
Spend the bottle in Russian Roulette? What's Russian? Well one,
I got you? Okay. So these uh, these chervils in
the bag, they're going to be fine. It seems like
this bag is pretty tight. Yeah, yeah, that's an air
tight bag. No way, no, no where that How long?
(16:28):
How long to travel to get home? It's not that long.
What do you say? It's late at nights, no traffic, traffic,
but Rold's dead. I wish this. Okay, guys, I know
exactly what you do. We choppled up into the smallest
pieces possible, wide and large throughout the city. That way,
(16:51):
no one is implemented. Chen, let me kitchen, Grab knives,
grab whatever you can became. It was a pretty U
s A t that I took. I'm not sure that
it was the official one, but I learned a lot. Okay, everybody,
grab a knife? Do you have a knife? Oh? Whoa, whoa,
We've got a change of plans here else, we've got well,
(17:16):
one of our guys, Sammy Lemon tight he's he went
from nice to naughty. Oh no, and he went from
naughty to naughty here literally he had the audacity to
pray to me as if I was God, So already
we're in some kind of naughty's own religiously her heresy.
(17:40):
Or then then he prayed for he wished for his
parents to be dead. Whoa, it's very naughty. Little Darryl
Thompson just disappeared from the list. What happened to Well,
you better believe that Sammy Lemon tight shot him in
the face a human name, because it sounds like an
(18:02):
elf name is Elforn. He sounded elf borne. Whoa, maybe
this is he must be sacrificed. Al Right, guys, everybody
line up for some more Hershey shots. I'm really proud
of everybody. We really put our minds together, chopped that
body up, spread them all around the garden and the yard,
(18:22):
and there's no sign up there all anymore. So raise
a glass. I don't feel good. I don't know if
it was the first shot of Hershey's or dismembering her friend.
I don't feel good because if yeah, I listened to
my plan. It was to spread out the body parts
throughout the city so that you're not in any kind
(18:43):
of suspicion. But it's all in your personal yard. I
think you're gonna get you own this house now. So
and you shot him in Roulette. That's not the routes, yo, Sammy, Sammy,
there's the lights in your driveway. Maybe it's Anna, maybe
in Santa Everybody. I hope he's still asleep. That's sweet,
(19:05):
little precious baby. Are doing, neighbors, How are you keep
it down? Now? You walk? Can't sleep? Can't sleep? You know? Yeah,
Christmas is always that time of year when it's like,
oh yeah, that's right, we're in Chicago. What's what's what's
going on with y'all? What are y'all doing? Well, look
(19:27):
at this bag of gerbils. We're trying to keep their
sleeping right now. But that's just because of no, we
just bought these. We just you guys sneak out of here.
I don't think they see us. I mean, look, if
you tell me they're sleeping, they're sleeping. But I mean
they looked good. I'll shake them a little bit. Wow,
(19:47):
that was a hard shake, sweet you very very wonder
them fell out of the bag and it's on the ground.
I mean they're dead. But did you get a dog, Jim?
I thought I heard some rustling in the bushes. No dog,
no dog, no, no, no, just me. Everyone really wants
you to have a partner. Honey. Guess what, Darrel's dead.
My wish came true. That's our first see too. Is
(20:19):
from listener Luca, who wrote, Hey everyone, I've got a
scene idea backstage at Nicholas Shitspin's iconic sitcom Ships. It's
not a show about nothing, It's a show about shipping.
Thanks Luca. Just make sure your cell phones from the back, okay,
recording Okay, and just um laugh when they tell me
(20:41):
to laugh or laugh when I feel it in my heart.
You're laugh laugh when they they tell you a laugh.
And if you're coming down off of the off of
the seating and you're gonna stand backstage, just just don't
just don't make any noise I get. Just stand backstage.
That's what that passes you. Oh my gosh, this is
so exciting. I thought, you know, my dad has one line.
(21:02):
I didn't think I was gonna get all the perks.
I've been dying to meet Nicholas Shitzman. She's gonna be backstage.
He has to be, he probably, yeah, but the please
just don't talk to her. He takes the coolest shits.
He takes the coolest shit. Yeah, all right, we'll just
follow the path right here, the yellow line. I'll take
your backstage. Oh my god, amazing. I wish I had
(21:23):
friends to share this with. Hi, I'm next. You go great.
Just put your phone in the sleeve here, Okay, do
I have to. Um, I thought my past gave me privileges. Well,
let's see the past right here. Oh yeah, yeah you
can know, yeah you can. You don't need to put
in the sleep, just to keep it on silent and
(21:43):
the volume down. That's it. If you're in the stands,
please laugh when the title up. And then if you
know you want to go backstage, just ball the yellow okay, okay, um, okay,
thank you, Hey, were you? I'm next as refless to go, right, yep,
here's a pass. All right, here's to sleep for your phone.
(22:05):
Oh well, read the past. I have privileges. I'm I
get to be on the show whatever part I want
this week. Let me see that. Oh you're right, yeah okay, yeah,
uh so just um laugh when it's your line to laugh.
Excuse me, I'm just gonna cross back through you excuse me. Alright,
So just follow the green line and uh, I'll take
(22:26):
you right to the stage and talking to the directors
and the writing and cast and everyone else. Right, great,
definitely worth that extra twenty bucks for this past. Hey,
Nicky Chitz, Uh five minutes, but just I know you
like five minutes, so it's actually ten minutes. But I
tell you five minutes, because I know it takes you
a little bit longer to get ready. You go taking
(22:47):
a ship? Okay, okay, nicky Um, a couple of things. Um,
we're getting rid of the second line in the second scene,
so we're crossing that line out. And also they wanted
me to tell you that, um, some people are in
the audience tonight. Okay, I'm taking this ship. Hell yeah, dude, okay,
so that's five. We needs you on set in five.
(23:09):
Oh god, excuse me, sir. Yeah yeah, Um have you
seen Nick nicol? Um? Have you seen my dad? Who's
your dad? His name is Nicholas Heyworthy. He's playing Janitor.
Let me see. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, he's in
(23:32):
He's at She's a nut trailer right there. Okay, do
I look cool? I'm sorry? Do I look cool? It's
been a while that I've I've been seen him in
a while? Yeah, pretty? Yeah? Is this California cool? I'm
from New Hampshire. Oh. I just kind of came here
(23:53):
to say to my dad. Oh he doesn't know you're here. No, no,
and you haven't seen him in a while. Barely looks
at those that I look like, Yeah, no, I haven't
seen him in a while, you know, keep looking here
when I was four to um follow his dreams and
here he's trailer right there? Can I can I confess
something to you. I've been acting for thirty years and
(24:13):
this is my first part on a on a sitcom.
Oh that's pretty cool. I just bought this pass. I
don't even know what I'm supposed to say. You're what.
I bought a pass and then it was like twenty
bucks more and it says be on the show. So
I got it. How many how many lines do you have?
(24:34):
I have no idea, I don't know what I'm supposed
to say. I don't know what my character is. It
just says beyond the show. So they sent me to
send me down this green line. I've just been walking
on this green line. It just keeps going. Started to interrupt. Um,
I have some updates here for you. Hey, welcome, welcome.
You paid the fee? Correct? Yes, yes, I did, great, terrific.
So your character actually has a name, You're Larry. Take
(24:55):
a look. So you're in there in the first three
scenes about even there. Well well done, well done, Pala,
I got the one line. What was your characters name? Again? Well,
it's janitor in the script. But I think I think
his name is is Clarence Tuppets. Okay, I mean that's
(25:16):
just the backstory that I've worked out, Oh Jenner, quick
note here. So um, so it's says Nick or actually?
Is that confusing? If I'm Nick and Nicky Shits is
also Nick, you can call me hey Worthy. M h
m hmm. Well you're never actually characters never referenced by
name either way. So whatever character name you need to
make yourself uncomfortable, get out of here. That's how I
(25:40):
was gonna do it. Is that too gruff? Or No?
That sounds pretty good, except that it's not get out
of here anymore. It's it's scream scram Okay. So it's
just the one one the word, the one word update
on the scripts. Here. We're gonna cut the janitor. We're
it's gonna cut the janitor. Okay, yeah, what do you
mean cut? What do oh? That is that the guy
with a this is one of our writers here? Just okay, okay,
(26:04):
well I'm scram I'm here actually, So now that we
have the updated scram out of here, scram out of
it's not scram anymore. Actually added the line back it is.
It's get out of here and don't come back anymore.
But it's not your line, sir. You have it to
this guy. I'm not the writers. The writers, well just
don't just don't it if you're the one relating the news.
(26:27):
I feel back forybody like he can do my part
with me. We can just do it in unison together. Yeah,
here's here's here's an idea. Here's an idea. Um. You
see that group puddle up over there around those monitors.
Those are the writers. Feel free if you want to
talk to them. I'm sure they'd love to hear your ideas. Okay, Oh,
here's my paperwork. By the way. Um, I'm just gonna
sign you out now. Okay, guess alright, So I want
(26:48):
to be I'm gonna be doing the crowd of the
crowd warm off you can. NICKI said, this is great.
Who's the Vanda? And Nicki's me me? Who's who came
from the farthest Who came from the farthest frois Arizona.
(27:14):
I came from Burbank, but I flew around the world
the other way to get here. Are you trying to
be fucking funny? Huh? What are you trying to be fun.
Oh I really did keep your as you understand that,
fucking as alright, visiting friends in New Zealand. This is
my job, all right, I'm the crowd warm up to you.
Understand that? Okay, okay, alright from far away. I came
(27:36):
from Arctic Research Station fifteen at the polls. Really did
kick your ass. Huh, everybody, Okay, I got this bag.
I got this bag of pretzels, half bag of pretzels.
Who wants a bag? Who wants a little bit? I
(27:56):
wants a pretzel? It's open, Nikki bud ah you Mr five.
Did you take a ship? Yeah? So we need you.
Um a sap. We're ready to go. We got a
nice big house out there tonight. They're excited to see you.
Um so when you come on up. But Marty, thanks
(28:18):
for picking me up and getting me the hell out
of there. Man, I just got a voice recording me
saying I'm gonna take a ship. I can't. I can't
do the show anymore. Man. I just feel like it's
who I am. It's just just not there. Right. I
was supposed to be an artist. You know you are
an artist, Nicky. This is your gig. I don't know, Marty,
but you know what, you can retire on this. You
(28:40):
could get yourself out of the beach sometime. I do
you know what happened with me in my acts? Okay,
we put up. He was just so into himself and
then I got in a three way with that other
girl and it just didn't work out. I just was
handing it like a great time, Nicky. I think of
that story as a legendary story. Marty. It's not about sex, okay,
for God's sakes, it's about the substance, all right. You
(29:03):
know I watched videos about people having sex like you
described to me. I don't get the problem, NICKI. I
think you should get back in there and do your set.
You got talent, you're an artist. It's a it's a sitcom,
it's not a set, Marty. I appreciate you listening to Uh, sir,
sir before you leave, Janitor or whatever your your name is. Um.
(29:25):
I know you're you Clarence stuff and um there, so
we have to escort you off the lot in just
a moment. But you do have a guess what um
you had? You have somebody who didn't. I didn't invite anyone.
I was gonna make me too nervous. I don't know
what to say. She's actually at the craft crafty over there,
she's the one, it looks like kind of she looks
(29:46):
at California cool. Oh. I did send postcards to every
casting director in town. Oh, she's right over that crafty.
But you gotta you gotta keep it quick because we're
gonna start shooting and we need you escort it. We
need you off right. I better tell us and Jones
individually wrapped twizzlers. Keep him fresh? Oh hey, hey, no
(30:09):
you Um, yes, and I know you, and I just
want to say I'm not mad at you. I'm actually
really proud of you for following your dreams coming out
here and acting. Excuse me, sorry, excuse me. I'm a
security I'm supposed to take you off the lot. What
(30:31):
am I interrupting something? Yeah, I'm swing that camera this way.
Just trust me, Just trust me. Now let's start ruling.
I know you. You look familiar. Yeah, um, well I should,
(30:52):
and maybe just a little bit older. It's tradition to
have your hands behind your back clocked up while we
do this, so you can continue the conversation. Just being arrested. No,
you're just being escorted, but it's gonna it's not traditional.
You sadest. How many times have you've been escorted off
a lot? Never? I've never been on. It's tradish. Put
(31:15):
your hands behind your back. But Nicky's gone. I don't
know where he is. Biggest episodes. Yes, Florence, Yes, I am,
Oh my gosh, and are you Florence Pew? Okay, everybody, everybody,
keep it down, Keep it down. Uh you sir, the
one who paid the fee. Look, Nicky's gone. We're gonna
(31:36):
give you all of his lines. We need you on
right now. Go the rest of us. Just keep this
conversation down. You would need to bump somebody up to
take over his parts. If he's gonna take over Nicky's,
that's a good point. Should I unlock him? Lock mesk
study that's Florence Floren's pew or Florence my daughter pew?
(32:00):
What do you think? I think the daughter? What do
you think? Going with the daughter? Okay, let's go to daughter. Okay, okay, no, no,
you're no, you're in it. You're in it. Okay, female,
you are now Nikki ships there's a script and there
you are, daughter. There you go your your lines now
and go go go, go, go, go go go. You
took my name? Yeah, uh hey, sorry it took so long.
(32:24):
I was taking a ship scram out of here. Where
do you want me to go? Ships? Vil? He's breaking
free from the cutch. I just wanted you to do
my homework for me. Man, oh boy, trigonometry talk about
(32:49):
a lot of shit. Yeah, and I paid you money
to do it. Hey, crowd, warm up, guy, get this
audience is to laugh. You need what's going on? I
don't know what I'm doing. I don't know, Dad, help me.
What's my intent? What do I want from this guy
in this scene? I guess you just want to connect
(33:12):
with him. Okay, thank you. You're such a good actor.
Are you talking to me? I just think that you're
really good and you know what you're doing. I've actually
involved me in your footsteps, and I've been doing some
local theater work. Really it's amazing. Okay, we can't, guys,
(33:33):
we can't have this conversation. Stick to the script. Script
the line Nicki's gone, the show is falling apart. To
be honest, our audience isn't laughing. This is this is
as security I can be honest, it was that this
whole thing really relied on Nikki ships. Do you watch
comedy movies? I mean here at this office, but not
(33:56):
outside of work. I keep working pleasure separate. So you
think maybe you could do this? How, yeah, I can
do this. Nicky Shits isn't talented. He just happens to
have great writers. Do you really think that security officer?
What is that? Jim Terry can do this role? Look
(34:17):
as you can tell, it's been a weird day here.
I say, let's go let's get let's get Janitor down,
let's get Flora's the daughter, let's get you fe mane,
and let's get Jim care of the security officer. And
I think we should also get the crowd warm up.
Guy down here, come on, come down here, do come
down here. I was awful. Well maybe he's better on camera.
Here we go look at this new alrighty then, and
(34:41):
that's our section. See three. It's from listeners Simon. He wrote,
Dear Kevin, I just moved from New York to Colorado
and alchemy. This got me through the twix hour drive.
Thank you all for the amazing pocket. That's a lot
of podcast to listen to. My suggestion comes from my
(35:02):
driving experience passing by oddly specific museums, including the sod
House Museum. Seen suggestion permit office from museums, order up, Simon.
All right, we've got all of the permits stacked up here,
but nobody seems to be applying for museums anymore. Maybe
(35:25):
museums are just a thing of the past because of
the Internet. Ah, hello, I have an appointment, an appointment.
Let me look through my book. I didn't. I wasn't
expecting that. Okay, okay, there you are. You must be
Brian's Yes, Hi, Brian, here's a Have you filled out
(35:48):
a permit for him yet? I actually have? Ye? Oh
you're so responsible. It was easy. I just printed it
online and Internet. I wish it didn't exist. Okay, so
it does look like you filled this all out correctly.
And I wrought to check out to the permit office
(36:08):
for Sarise. We've got a check sharise, come up here.
We're gonna stay open, all right. So you want to
start a museum on start a museum on uh, pornography.
I don't think that's uh. I don't think that's appropriate pornography.
(36:34):
You mean, I assume nudity. Yeah, that's part of it.
I don't I don't think Sureie Shreise, could you come
up here? Yeah? Sorry, I was climbing all the stairs. Sorry,
Mr Kettlewell, we've got an applicant and here's the check
for his, uh, for his to check to see if
(36:55):
we approve it. But it's not approved. But take the
check quick, quick money, big money. But be honest, do
you think that we could take up Museum of Pornography? Parno?
What you shortened it? By the way, there seems to
be a line for me about Oh there's more people, Charisse.
(37:18):
We might not have to close after all, to close
the permit office for museums, because no one was trying
to open up museums on the internet. Everybody can just
look up what they want to learn on the internet,
but I guess they don't have that for pornography. Just
want it's not Wow, this place is amazing. Oh look
(37:39):
it's the dick from anal Barbara's twelve. Whoa, Oh my gosh.
They don't touch that. Keep on the line. Sorry, Oh
my gosh, this is insane, it's crazy. Oh my gosh. Honestly,
I want to sneak a selfie. Make it look like
I'm fleeting it. You can't put your mouth on that.
(38:04):
Sorry I put it. It looked like it was touching it.
I mean I can only dream. Excuse me, sir me?
Uh huh what I just said a question? Um, is
there any way to meet the porno stars here? Meet
the porno stars? Uh? Huh? Do you want to meet
(38:28):
in common when you go to the Field Museum? Yeah,
I mean yeah, I'm sorry. You probably do want to,
but you can't. The porn the porno stars aren't here.
These are just memorabilia. These are artifacts from the events
are here. Let's see a lot of people walking around
(38:48):
with trench coats and hats on. Oh my god, Oh
my god, who is this? Might recognize me? Hold on,
take my pants down. It's long slongh on. Oh, it's
just part of the exhibit. Huge, huge fans. I mean
(39:10):
those scenes you did with tiny Box Rachel, I mean
that was really weird but amazing. We're I don't even know.
I fun fact, her box wasn't even that tiny. Hey hey, hey, folks,
I couldn't help, but notice you're at the back of
the line for this, uh for this permit? Uh that
(39:34):
the odds of getting your permit today are are pretty low.
There's a lot of a lot of folks in front
of you. Uh So I was wondering if I have
a space that recently opened up, uh that that is
available to maybe put a museum. Man. Okay, okay, all right,
I got what I got. I hoped you. I hooked
Jim Joey Garbles by the way us from the commercials. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
(39:58):
that I've moved on. I've moved on that that makeup
on the commercial holy ship. Yeah, it's a lot. It's
a lot, isn't it. But this is my real face,
without the without the clown makeup on. Anyway, I got
destroyed by lampsters, destroyed, destroyed by lambsters. And I've got
a a three thousand foot retail space that that is available,
(40:21):
uh for for maybe for maybe a museum. And I
wouldn't ask you to get a permit. I wouldn't ask
you to get a firm really. Yeah, what's what's your
museum about? Just? Uh flakes of human skin? So um
you sick? Fuck it was sick fuck? No thanks kicking, sir, sir,
(40:45):
you're toward the back of the line. The odds of
getting in today are pretty slim. I'm Joey Garbel's from
the commercials. I gotta I gotta retail space that that
it needs a tenant now, and I wouldn't ask you
to to get the permit that that this government regulation.
You know, I'm interested, I'm interested. Okay, what what's your museum.
(41:09):
It's a gym Carey museum. Uh huh. It's devoted to
a devoted to his dramatic work. I'm assuming that will
be part of it. That'll be the serious annex wing,
but it'll be mostly his comedies, his his appearances on
talk shows when opinions on vaccinations is beer. It's gonna
(41:30):
be great. You know. I'm gonna be charging fifty grand
a month for the space, so it's probably out of
your price range. And we're gonna get a pornography museum.
So you can go back to the back of the line, sir,
you're out of here. Well, some something just happened something.
(41:50):
Let's say, how was your day, grandpa. You look like
you got a lot of exercise, and I like that. Well,
there was a lot of action at the permit permit
shop today. You're trying to get another permit I love that.
(42:11):
That's wonderful. But would you believe somebody wanted to open
a pornography museum? I told them no, So thank god
that will never open up. We got to keep the
streets clean, sweetheart, Your grandpa is a hero sure, and
and and my hero grandpa still has a very large
(42:33):
bank account, right, like, not getting giving that permit didn't
really well. The good news is is our our business
plan means people paid to apply. That doesn't mean that
they get the permit. I mean, I don't want to
sound evil, but that's the way it works. And I'm
not counting your money. I just was worried aboutn't expect.
So you probably are most excited to one day take
(42:56):
over the permit office, right did you believe if I
gave a permit to a man for human flicks of
skin today, but not the pornos? Oh no, no, no,
did you know that pornography? I'm sorry, So we're gonna
have to close down your storefront. I mean there's nothing inside,
you have no rent coming in. I'm sorry, that's just
(43:18):
uh huh? And and who are you? Who are you
to say so? I just aren't for the city, sir. Okay,
I'm just giving you the news. I'm just giving you
the news. All right, hold it right there, part of me.
Hi when Larry, I don't know Larry Lambster. Here's my
business card, Oh my god, from Hamster Lambsters. I want
(43:41):
to talk to you, Mr g. You know when I
bought one of these, all the hamsters were dead. All right,
when I bought that, the hamsters were dead. You just
want me to know that I do. Okay, Yeah, A
lot of people had that problem. Listen, Gebel, I like you, Gebels,
I like you g a lot. Today's your lucky day.
(44:03):
I want to help you out. No, no way, Lambster
is your Christian name. By the way, it changed. It
changed in after it came up with a product that's
neither here nor there. This this briefcase full of money,
says I can call myself whatever I want, and I
want to give this to you verbals because you're a
good person. You're a decent person. I mean, the Girbles
(44:24):
traditionally weren't a good good family. I spell it differently.
At the end of the day, Sarah, you know, yeah,
I got a perfect SCOREMT s A T. So I
can go there and probably get a full ride. But
after college, you know, I just I don't want to work.
M hm. You know, I want to have fun at college,
(44:47):
but afterwards I just kind of don't. I don't know.
I can't really think about right that that right now
at the wake, it's just so crazy that he died,
you know what I mean, right, that's crazy, eat super crazy.
The problem is it's bringing up a lot of he
hasn't been at school at all. Oh, for real, he's
(45:09):
thatch I know. God, I mean, hey, kids, friends, face
for me to me at the part of museum. Now listen,
we all know what happened that night, okay, and it's
our secret, and we got to live with that for
the rest of our lives. You know, my parents came home,
they weren't dead. Everything I fucked up that night. But
(45:33):
I just want to make a pact with you here
in front of this exhibit that we don't say anything forever. Okay.
That means if you go away to Yale, you don't
say anything. It means if one day you become a
security guard, you don't say anything. That means if one
day you want to open up, it's just the permit office. Yeah, yeah,
(45:56):
we're gonna have to show it down. Apparently permit was
given up in a pornography. Are you okay, Harold? Is
it your heart again? It might be my heart? Look
at me, Harold, look at me. I gotta get this out.
I gotta I gotta say my thing and then we
can get up. But we gotta shut it down. And
we got before they say the three is the killer.
(46:19):
Come on, I got a coup heart attacks too. You
want me to stop? Wait? This is important something wait
before you go wait. I want to tell him something.
I didn't give that permit out. I said, no, what
that must be a black market permit. My granddaughter? Wow,
(46:44):
it's a vial of water from the pond thing and
the Truman show. This is so cool? Ship is that
the number twenty three? From the number twenty three? Oh
my god, this is sick. Get a photo with it.
I'm gonna I'm gonna touch it. I'm gonna touch the
Tony three. Kay. Security is so much more lax here
(47:08):
than the other museums. You know, hey, fellows, do you
guys like Jim Carrey? That means you probably like comedy
in general. Huh? All right, check this out. I got
two free passes to see NICKI shits tonight. What he's
doing secret underground set tonight and tonight only. And I
(47:30):
only can give these two super fans of comedy these tickets.
Look like they just I mean, he looks like you
just wrote this on a piece of paper. Yeah, that's
how underground it is, okay, I mean no one seen
him says he walked off his sitcom six months ago.
This would amazing, This is amazing. All right, I'll leave
you guys there. I'll see you tonight six pm. You
(47:51):
bet man, there's no way this isn't true. What do
you mean? My grandfather didn't leave me any money. He
just left me lifetime passes to the w B lot.
I'm sorry, that's just all the record show, just to
watch whatever sitcoms I want. Yes, I didn't even watch
(48:15):
your thing. I didn't even know it was a thing. No, no, no,
he had money for me. He had money for me
because he didn't he didn't ever want me to work.
The City has acquired his finances, so thank you. There's
a line. Please, what is that? I don't even know
what that like? The city? Do you even be a
lot of attitude? And I'm grieving. Okay, I'm working. There's
(48:40):
I'm next, I'm next, Thank you. Hi, my grandmother died.
Let's see what she left me? Okayst here? Okay, do
you have a proof of grammarship? Mm? Hm? You have
any cookeys there? Any you can see my cheek right here?
It's a little red. Even pinched my cheek, my whole life. Well,
you just do pinch it right then? Okay, okay, let
(49:01):
me let okay, it's a little red. Yeah, okay, thank
you there. Oh great, Okay, she left you a two
story estate right outside Philadelphia, Penmore. Okay. Address yes, six
four sixteen Ashton Road, Ashton Road, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Yeah, seven
(49:26):
four nine three nine. Phone number is six for six six.
I'm next. Sorry, I just had to there's a long hallway.
So what did um? What did? What? Did he leave
me something or something? I didn't expect to be in
the wheel or anything like that. I just kind of
(49:47):
worked for him. Let me see here, Arnie Davis, Charlie David's.
It's just kind of my intuition. I just like PLoP
my finger on your name. I don't even know it,
I just it. They just summoned the intended to be
a bouquet salesman and served me, we have to do that,
We have to do that. It's actually a scary job,
(50:09):
um because most of his finances, if not all of them,
have been acquired by the city. But he did, he
was able to leave this to here. It's um. It's
a golden permit. It's a four inch thick, six inch
wide golden It's huge. It's just pure gold. Do you
(50:32):
want to take that? How much do you think that
this is worth? I have no idea. I just I
mean if I had a guest to three billion dollars. Again,
all right, thanks everybody for coming out to this very
secretive performance. Snappy fingers if you're in a good mood. Yeah, okay, okay, okay.
(50:59):
Now he's been on for a while, but he's been
in the lab, so to speak, cooking up some funny
it's just for you. Now. We don't have long because
we are squatting here in this warehouse. But he's gonna
do his set as best he can. Make some noise
for the one the only Nicholas ships man. All right, okay, everybody,
(51:29):
that's not that's not Niki shit, It's not Nicky shit.
Oh god, oh god, Oh yeah, who wants a mega
prencils that's his warm up guy, So good, don't show.
(51:53):
Let's meet everybody, see what they're up to. Jackie and
dullast or Earthy. Hey Cole, thanks to have me. What
a good time. I love this, this troop, this crew
of peeps. Um, you know me, you know me. I'm
watching and talking all about Christmas movies all the time.
So you can check it out on the most Wonderful
(52:14):
Pot of the Year. That's that's where you can find
me and Jackie Ruthy on Instagram moved as well. Nice Alvarado.
Thank you, Cole. It's fun to play with you and
everybody has always you know, last week I got to
do a show at the West Side Comedy Theater. Those
are starting to pick back up, So if you are
(52:34):
in the Santa Monica area, or I guess just in
Los Angeles, come check out a show. Um. The improv
shows are typically Monday nights. You can go to west
Side Comedy dot com to see when I'm playing when
other people on this in this podcast are playing. Actually, Cole,
I saw you there on Monday as well. Yeah, cob
last night, Hey day, I'm sure Bear supply be making
(52:57):
a pretty pretty pony YEA check check that out Westside
Comedy dot Com. Nice Craigatkowski. I gotta say if from
the from the second scene, uh, Canonically, Jim Carey received
his first acting role, being promoted from security guard to
a walk on part in the Nikki Shit sitcom. Then
(53:20):
six months later, after Nicky Shits had walked off his sitcom,
there was a full devoted Jim Carey Museum dedicated to
all the movies and television shows he had shot in
that six month period. So this is now canonically true
in the world of Alchemy this from now on, and
I recommend the documentary Jim and Andy the Great Beyond
if you want to see a little more about Jim
(53:42):
Carey's working process as a as a serious method actor.
Great and go ahead and change his Wikipedia page to
reflect everything you jaf Ceney. Well, I'm so excited to
be finishing another episode of Alchemy this if you like
to join us on November it's our live hang. It
(54:04):
will be our Thanksgiving style live hang. It's the last
Saturday of every month at ten am Pacific Standard time.
Twitch dot tv Slash Alchemy this nice, Joey Greare, I
can't I said, I wanted to say it again. Get
the soup, Get soup. That's that's that. That's all I'm
gonna say. You can't say anymore legally. Yell, we understand.
(54:27):
I'm at Cole Strander at Stratton Cole On Socials SF
sketch Fest dot com twenty anniversary festival in January, the
seventh coming back. We're optimistic everything will go okay because
you know, the world is still a bit of a
dumpster fire. Our line up comes out November nineteenth, so
head on over there then to take us one uh
some podcast called Alchemy This will probably be part of
(54:49):
the lineup. Check out that day and come see us
live in San Francisco. Gang. Let's thank our engineering producer
Doug Bay and the fine folks at I heeart Media
dot com. Please write to us at Alchemy this email
(55:09):
at gmail dot com. That'scom until next time.
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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