January 2, 2020 • 51 mins
Last Chance For Famous Brand; Awards Show For The Participators; The Customer Always Right, Right?
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This once again,
it's Cold Stratton filling in for Kevin Pollock, who was
making a documentary at a time a TV Channels first
expanded the marvelous Basic Cable. It's the day after New
Year's and we've already fucked up all of our resolutions.
(00:24):
How many boys were out there? Don't worry about that, man,
I had to take a oberlus. Let's meet our alchemists today,
in no particular order. He's starring in a biopic about
the Cereal mascot sugar Bear, Craig Kakowski. Craig, how do
you plan to make him come to life on the
big screen? Well, a lot of c g I, but
(00:45):
also some mo cap old school guy in a suit.
Sweet oh boy? Uh. Next up, she's the Queen of emojis,
Vanessa Raglan v what's the best combo of emojis to
send a p oh shrug, manicure and then a fruit?
It has to make sense. Figure it out, You do
(01:08):
them out. He's been tasked with writing a sequel to Yesterday.
Chris Alvarado, Chris, what band disappears from existence in your
follow up film? Um? I think it's Um, I don't know.
Have got to write name a band. I can't name one,
(01:28):
can name one his sequels? I don't know who they
are the band? I know who they are, you can
I a member of the band. Guitarist guitarist Robbie Robertson Levine. Hell,
come on, you got this? Is that real? That's real? Alright? Well,
(01:50):
I look forward to seeing what do you do with it? Oh, boy, guys,
he's just secured funding to open up a little museum. Joey,
I can't wait, Joey, what's gonna be in this museum
of hers? It's gonna be too tiry to know everything's
in there is gonna be so small and delicate. I mean,
the simplest breath will destroy it. It's a highly curated,
(02:10):
highly anticipated Uh. It's high alright, So get your tickets
now at spunk at spunk dot com. How did you
get that? I know a guy, I go, daddy, that's
better than spunk dot eu. Uh. And finally, he's been
(02:30):
spelunking in nearly all the world's caves. James Heeney, Hey,
what's the weirdest thing you ever found in a subterranean place? Well,
there was a like a tabernacle of sorts where you
would sacrifice a body in order to resurrect one of
your friends that has been lost in the caves. Does
that make sense? It does. Can you name a band? Yeah?
(02:51):
How about the Grateful Dead? See, there we go. That
would have worked. Of course, you said you're fucking dead head?
Not how many times have you super little bears everywhere?
By the way, this is why I didn't say a man,
because I knew I would have been a town. I
wanted to attack you so bad I was waiting, waiting.
(03:11):
Did I get attacked? That's right? Well, before we get rolling,
we'd like to invite you to be a v i
P member on our new Patreon page. There's bonus episodes
not available to non members. There's a phone number just
for v i P s where you can leave a
message be at a question and request or whatever, and
we'll reply at our new regular video q And as
with the Alchemists at Kevin's Place, which are only available
(03:32):
to v i P s, there's all kinds of cool ship,
so please join our super core fans by going to
patreon dot com slash Alchemy. This. All of today's scene
suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails. If you'd like
to submit yours, please write to the podcast at your
name here at Alchemy this dot com. That's your name
here at Alchemy. Our first scene suggestion, Hello everyone, my
(03:55):
wife got me listening to your podcast just around the
time he started. Oh boy, and I haven't hooked ever since.
I love you all equally, and shout out to Kevin
Pollock because he is super fucking dope. Is that as
kissing smell? Maybe? But I digress. You're doing it wrong.
(04:16):
That's you eat you. As as I am sitting here,
working late into the night listening to the podcast, I
came up with the following scene suggestion. A third party
marketing group has been hired to revive a common brand
name that has been slowly dying among new competition. Unfortunately,
(04:40):
everyone procrastinated and now has to work through the night
to make sure their presentation is ready by morning. Looking
forward to so many more episodes, Michael keating, No, I
don't care how long it takes. We need those stroke
(05:01):
brand stormers. He lost his brain. He can't be dead.
Let me check for a pulse. Why are you so
against this? Let it go? I mean, I mean, go ahead,
bringing back if you want. We don't have time. Two
ways on the pulse check. I mean it's possible that
he's band aids. Okay, what are we going to call
(05:23):
band aids? We have six hours, you have six hours.
Come on, it's plenty of time. A band aids brand
rebrand we're brewery branding. It's a rebrand aids brand, raids, brand,
raids brand, rights, rights, covering, wounds brand right, Alie strips
um Bowie Bowie Bowie Bowie strips. Life on Marsh, Life
(05:49):
on Venus, from women, Are from Venus, start up. Piggy Heartbreak, heartbreak,
Piggy heartbreaks, write that Peggy breaks? Good? Does it? Band
aids were renaming it was I drank a lot of
that drink. I think Piggy heartbreaks we worked out all right,
skinning my need? Does anyone have a Biggie heartbreak? That's good?
(06:11):
That's Good's good? Pizza pizza, Oh my god. Five hours
and fifty seven minutes and Mark is going to be
dead no matter what. You just have to Kirk, won't,
won't just uh, you know, go with it. He's got
(06:32):
a very slight pulse. And I think if we get
some what is it some salt I think what that
think what we were band aids, some salt bandigs sin
think about he does this? Guys are all just whacked
(06:52):
out on drugs. We have some salt salt pus that work.
Just shoot me, David Spade, Heart Club, Piggy, Heart Club,
Heart Club. I don't want to be the bearer of
(07:14):
bad news, but it seems like you guys are all
on the same drugs that he was on. And if
he had a stroke in his maybe dead. Maybe it's
going to happen to you. Oh you want to you
want to give get some panic in the industry. You
just bleeding. Did we get one with Pepperoni? Or they
all just playing? They're all give us? Did you want Pepperoni?
(07:35):
Give us a word? I wanted pepper Hey, man, God,
I'll get a Pepperoni word from Mama. Johnny's go for it. Okay, Uh,
good dad, Dad rip rip ripped, ripped Dad, Dad ripped. Okay,
you should do some of these jokes. Free some of
the drugs. Mama Joni's Yes, I need to Uh, I
(07:57):
need to get another pie. Apparently one of them. I
was supposed to be brown man. Yes, I'm calling. I
just need a pepperoni pie. I want to buy a Yes,
you've got a nice voice. What are you wearing? Thank you?
I am wearing overalls and a trucker hat. Gay, Mama,
Johnny like, what would you like? Is that what you ask? Mama?
(08:18):
Johnny like? Oh, Mama, who are you talking to? More
about it? Phone, I'll call you back. Hello. What the fun?
Uh sir? So we're we still have time to go,
but we wanted to give you so far our two
strong ideas for band aid. All right, let's hear them.
It's very important to me, better than the family for here. Okay,
(08:43):
so we're thinking out there. You got this, um, you
got this man? Thank you? Thank you? All right? Just
shoulders the guys doing. Mark's doing great in the other room.
Oh yeah, Mark is. He's not dead, that's for sure.
I don't know who Mark is, but okay, don't know Mark.
You're serious? What bring him in here? Him in here?
You gotta meet him? A great idea, all right, but
(09:06):
this is on you. What you gotta bring Mark in?
Are you kidding? You got the floor? He's you're the
one that was upset. Just roped him up and make
him look like he's participating. Okay, but he's a pretty
heavy guy. Oh you're you should talk. I couldn't get
the Pepperoni's what I couldn't I couldn't get that. I'm sorry.
I just called her. She told me she'd call me back,
(09:30):
and it's been like twenty minutes. She likes you, likes you.
Have you heard about what happens talking about Joanie and
Peter sitting in Okay, okay, so I have to bring
him in there myself first. What is going on? Just
pick him up, pick him up, his voice to his voice.
(09:57):
You're doing, Tony Clifton. Well, I have to go feed
my maid. Just there. I've been waiting for a while. Guy.
Yeah that's yeah, yeah, sorry, sorry, Okay, so really quick,
what are our two ideas? Piggy heartbreak and parking meter parking?
Out there? That's how bad we're doing right out. That's
(10:17):
how bad we're doing right now. Okay, they're sucking boss
that a metard parking? Huh, guys, we're gonna do Smark
spot is probably gonna open up. Oh yeah, all right.
I think I think since I think since we have
one great idea, one really great idea, break, I think
Mark should be the one to say it. Really, Yeah, Wow,
that's not you. You're not Mark, You're not. I just
(10:39):
feel like I've really become Mark. Right. Let me hear
the voice again, Mark, Piggy, Heartbreak, Heartbreakers, before the bost
before the boss gets here. Can you give us one
more association? You're a genius man based on the word
boo boo boo boo, Yogi yoga, beak room rapist. Yeah, okay, okay, rst.
(11:06):
I'm not gonna go in there and say that Mark
is you. Let me faces, we be faces faces. I'm
Mark's voice. I'm not gonna say that. What is wrong
with you? For someone who's sober? You sound high as ship?
I am not high, I'm super so. Your phone is
(11:28):
blowing up, Mama jon Ship. Okay, give me hello? Hey,
you're alone? Give me a second. Hello? What are you
talking to? Hello? You go to the oven? It was
just breathing. Oh wait, she's still on the phone. Hellop,
(11:49):
Am I alone? U? Yeah? I'm alone? Who's in the
bike round? Nobody? Can I get a pepperoni pizza? Please?
What's eyes? You want? Large? Large pepper pep gette exte?
Can I get an extra large? Oh? Yeah, yeah you
can great. Oh man, she likes she can be making
(12:10):
pizza for seven. I just want one. I just want
one pizza. No, no, no, don't do you want pizza?
I just want to give you. Don't give me. I
will find you and killing you. Okay, I'm finding you.
What killing you. I'm not gonna get pizza for Mama
John's anymore. I'm not. I'm not. I just twin meat,
(12:30):
get a pizza. I need to eat. We have playing.
We got three plane, not pizza marks not could eat
any plane. He's gotta look like it's participating in the
meeting points plane. I mean, I hate to be the
nitpicker of the group. I don't know if it's the drunks,
but it sounds like you're saying playing p l A
and G playing going walk the plank, walk the playing,
(12:55):
Oh yeah playing. Uh it's a nice Oh you have
a nice twain playing coming in my wang. Damn. I
feel like a woman. Uh oh, he's coming, he's coming coming.
(13:16):
Give me the staple of slice to his hands and
let's go in there here. You give me this and
the award for best Employee and the individual who has
single handedly saved band Aid. Let me finish single handedly
saved band aid. Let me let me finish. Mark Thompson,
(13:43):
we start. My name is Mark, and I worked really
hard with the team when the team went. Is he
gonna eat that pizza? It's just like his lip. This
is a good play. Then I'll excuse me, Mark, you dropped,
You dropped some of your cheek. Well okay, well I'll
(14:06):
just there. My hands her full with Mark. Mark, I
want you to meet some people. This is my fam hand.
Would love to shake your hand, but I see you've
got him full of pizza. Sorry, I can What can
we help you? Reattach that cheek with a piggy heartbreak Lewis,
(14:28):
you should be a comedian. This this one is special
adhesive and yeah, that's gonna stay right there. Okay, don't
want to meet somebody else. I want you to to meet
this friend of mine and she has been asking about
you for a while. Here she is like me, I'm
Claire Herbert, the President of the United States. I don't
(14:48):
think she's a friend of mine. And uh, you don't
remember her running? What are you talking about? I don't
follow politics. Politics, I like that just affects all of us.
I'm guys, I'm sorry. There's a really angry, large Italian
man running up the stairs. Where is he? Where is
the son of a bitch? Where? Right there? That's what? What? What?
(15:13):
You'll you'll you'll make a play for my wife. No,
I didn't. I wear a pizza. She's like water a
pizza for my wife. It was me, ma, and I
call you what pizza? Oh my god, oh god, we
do not have enough piggy heartbreak of the blood already congealed. Oh,
(15:39):
it's strange. Must be the error. Well you, I can
just speak from what I assume is the truth that
I've seen on television or going to jail for a
very long time. Sorry, I don't care. That's how I
about trying to love with my wife. No, you kill
(16:00):
the man. I am sorry, babe. I killed a man
for you because I'm so passionate for you. You're gonna
jaff for a long time. And if I ever hear
the voice there romanced me, I will know and I
will leave you for him, Madam President, Why don't you
um pardon pardon him? Pardon them? Yeah, maybe I will.
(16:26):
We all know what it feels like to have the
fire of love surging through our bodies, and sometimes that
makes us two things we regret. Gina did her voice change.
I'm partying, pardon part I'm partying. I'm gonna party in
your honor because you're not going to jail. Honey. Oh
is this a pardoned party? Pizza for everybody? And that's
(16:52):
our first sid second see suggestion Hi guyss from Partially Awesome, Ohio.
You guys are all great. Feel like I should say
more because everyone does. But like my middle school guidance
counselor said, would you jump off the roof of everyone
did it? So? Yeah? Anyways, my scene suggestion is do
(17:14):
you give every child a participation trophy? Or metal society
we live in has ultimately led to a Grammy Oscar
Award type ceremony that presents awards for mundane or insignificant accomplishments.
Keep up the great work, Richard from Columbus, Ohio. You
guys ready for the Yeah, I'm nervousous, I'm not nervous
(17:35):
at all. I want to win. Hey, guys, I'm gonna
give you guys both an award before you go out there.
It's gonna make you feel pretty good to despight whatever
happens on the stage. Elton John are you serious? This here,
this one, this reward here is for good spirit. Wow,
you go ahead, hold it. Take it. That's great, take it.
(17:55):
I have it. Yeah, he's holding it. The thing and
this here award is for you. It's forgiving it. You're
all thanks. I'm holding it, Mr John. Yeah. Can you
can you sing something for it? Are you serious? Do
you mind? Um? I quit touring music because I don't
do it live anymore. Okay, that's crazy. I don't think
(18:17):
it ever leaves you. Yeah, I feel like it's always
inside of you. Um, all right, but you make turn
turn your phones off. I don't want any recordings of
this course, Yeah, of course. Okay, so long, yellow brick rude.
After a while, crockod I can't do any more than that. Was. Hey,
(18:38):
did I just hear you try? No? No, no, no,
no no no. Here's your participation aard. Congratulations, way to participate.
I don't want this award. You earned it, You earned it,
you tried something. Yeah, but I didn't want to have that.
It was a secret song, Sir Elton. You're on in ten. Okay, nine, Hey,
get out there, get seven ladies and gentlemen, welcome to
the I want this Wars starting out the awards. Mr, Sir,
(19:07):
you can just call it sir Elton John Sir. Gosh,
so long, Yellow Big Road. I'm not gonna do any
more singing. I quit touring musically, seriously. Small danswer, Okay,
I know my songs because I want to award everyone here.
(19:30):
I guess I will award them with a couple of
stanzas from one of my favorite songs. I guess that's
why they call it the Shoes, Small Dancer in the
window making you know what? You know what? Actually, I'm
going to stop right in the middle of this Stanca. Okay,
(19:52):
well they give it up for St. John. Everybody college
try award all right now, I'm happy to I didn't
even turn off that goddamn show. I'm not putting that
crap in my house, all right. We're not watching that
ship in my house. In my house. You're not paying
any guy, Damn. I stop saying at your goddamn house.
(20:12):
And I'm just saying if it was my house, that's
another I need to stop paying rent, all right. I
can't what you can't. I can't. You gotta start participating
this goddamn house, alright, don't you eat all the ship
and you sleep here. All right, you guys start giving
money things. I'm well, what else you doing to help
with the You're not paying rent and you're not bringing
(20:33):
food in another thing, you're sticking up the place. Some pets?
You fast on pets? What pets? Nobody else was fine pets.
Nobody wanted any pets to live in What have you seen? Snowball?
Where the hole? Snowball? Maybe relax? Relax? You know she
(20:53):
likes to go explore every now and then she'll be back.
I don't know. I have a terrible feeling about this. Well,
she she has microchip. To pull up your iPhone and
do the find me app All right? I think I
don't have to go to a vet anymoret I mean
you just left them in a dumpster somewhere. No, no, no,
not somewhere the dumpster. You know them? God damn it,
God damn it. Wrong with me? It's been your ass.
(21:15):
That's roman. You should never wounded me over you careful
you have a one night's sam with I didn't want
to have a one night stand with you. I want
to have a too night stand with you. I feel
the passion. My phone says she's in the dumpster district.
Oh god, I think we should just leave her. I
mean I haven't been down there in years. Every dumpster
(21:38):
has something in it that all right? Just keep him
over here? Can we help you? What's going on here?
All right? I put that dumps put the dump by
that wall over there, and let's let's get these stuff
to he out of the water. All right, he's gonna
be a mom. Come on, what's going on? Sorry? Go
help me? What's going on? My want to what do
(21:58):
you bring that thumb star over there? All right? Let's
make nonose dumb just got fives in them, all right,
because we got to get these fun like, hey, alright, boss,
can I go home early in the Participation Awards? You
go home early for the participation or everybody's watching the
Participation Award? You know you want to participation one? How
about pay check for doing your job? What do you say?
(22:20):
I got another one over there? Wait? What do you do?
You stare my cat and the nominees for showing up
to work? Oh please please, Jason mc daniels, Sara Carter,
we're all getting win, Brian Bobby sock Blues please, Tara
(22:43):
McKnight and the winner goes to because all those names. Again,
he goes to when it's so bad, When it's so bad,
Tara McKnight in reverse order. Um, Bobby Bobby, Bobby, Bobby
(23:03):
sucks blues. Why is he dragging this out? I don't
just read it. You want to get this stut of
her three I'm not and they gate that idea. All right,
I'm here to tell you that I don't believe in
the participation awards and what he could hear us the
(23:23):
whole time, Robbie robertson the woodster. But remember the band
doesn't believe participation awards. I'm here to take a stand. Yeah,
I'm glad we can't turn that ship off. Let's drama. Look,
you gotta either start paying something or getting the hell out.
You gotta start shutting that mouth before come. Don't come on.
(23:47):
You can't help close Clara. Uh No, she's she's not here.
I think she. I think she left me to live
in the dumpster district. And I'm ashamed to say that
what she our cat was missing, and um, I think
she now lives officially in the dumpster district. You don't
(24:07):
have to put up with that. What are you supposed
to do what I listen, I've got some illegal nun chucks, okay,
and you and I make some illegal. Well they're nun
chucks and nunchucks. They're illegal. So I just want to
keep it on the down blow. And first of all,
it's not even your business. Honey, what you doing here?
Where's my girl? What are you guys doing? What are
(24:31):
you guys doing? Having guy talk down here? You know what?
We were just having guy talks? Where's my little lane junk? Oh?
You know what? She had to get chipped, my daughter? Yeah, yeah,
it's the thing. It's the thing to you. Why are
we chipping? All right? So you want to get chipped?
Is that right? Yeah? Okay, alright, please chip me. Okay,
(24:55):
sit down and let's just do it. I guess I'll
cut here quick, do a quick okay, And then I
guess I'm gonna take this and put it in suf
fishing in there? How deep you want it? Where it
was appropriate? I gotta turn it on and turn it on,
all right? Hold on, let me get it. Oh? I
lost it? Should I lost it? I lost it? Okay,
I don't leave now you find so you're here to
(25:18):
get your nunchucks registered? Yeah, i'd like to. I've brought
my my I D my credentials. This is my training.
She was about a six month process to what to
legalize your nunchuck. No, no, no, I need this done quick.
You do today like today? Are you hoping to use them?
I need to use them? Well, they're still illegal. It's
no longer a matter of hope. Look, we're gonna have
(25:39):
to to you know, the process to legalize your nunchucks.
It's it's very involved. You have to leave them with
us for a period of three months. Just leave them
with you, just to see if there's a problem. No, no,
I think we can get my supervisor involved. No, under control.
Let's just keep it between us, sir. We're prepared to
kick your ass with legal nun whoa whoa whoa for
(26:03):
six months is worth the wait. Listen, I'm sure that
both of you nun chuck ins can realize the importance
of having protection on you. None chuck ins in the
fine state of Ohio appreciate the law above all else. Sir,
I know that you do you want me to af
forge nun chuck papers? Please? I wouldn't ask you if
I wasn't despoke. That's that's pretty dire, man. You know
(26:26):
that's the liner. One minute dude. If I do this,
I mean, it's a big deal. All right, we can
both get those. We have two pm curfew. Everybody at
dumped super nap time. Look, I gotta I gotta laid
down for a nappy. So wait, I need this before
a nap, before that. You want me to forge quickly
(26:46):
for nun chuck papers. If I don't get those dun
chucks today right now, then I don't even need do it.
I'll do it. These is legal. There you go, Thank you,
Thank you all. So we're doing this. I mean, do
you love your daughter? Yes? And that's what we're talking
about here, right, that's right? Wait, no, am I the
(27:09):
only same one in this house. It's his wife, it's
your daughter, you're my husband. They're cats missing. I don't
know what he's going on. And thank you for clearing
than you did a lot of drugs earlier. Legal. Yes, no, no,
no, no no no no. These Look at this paper. Let
me just show you. That's a greasy burger rapper. Well,
(27:32):
but read what it says, des go on, you can
read legal. Thank you and put that away. So we're
gonna get my daughter back in your cat back now
my wife, your wife. It's two characters. Yes, I mean
maybe we could uh, maybe we can harvest some of
her parts or something, her organs, you know, the chip
(27:54):
didn't take and she and lose her. She's right here.
I'm just saying, maybe, God, what Chad, what we're supposed
to do? Like little animals? You killed a lady, lady?
How did you? You cut right into an artery? That's bad.
Don't look at him. About is baker? Okay, but we
don't even do that for pet. You don't cut into
the bury it. You just use a little inserted thing. Look,
(28:21):
you took an exact don't have to major artery. Oh
my god, don't give me that ship right now. Don't
give me Okay, Oh my god, oh my god. I'm
just sky sinking my voice. But I am trained to you,
Stace legal man, Chuck, Okay, I am here to find
(28:43):
my daughter, a wife of a man and a cut.
It's just a riddle. No, no, no, I don't it's ship. No, no, no, John, No,
there's no way. Hockey cat hockey cat hockey cast So okay,
(29:04):
that's one of mine. Huh, hockey cat It keeps moving close,
and hockey cat gonna score a goal. Hockey cat. Okay,
that's all I remember from the source. But a while listen,
I want silence. I want my daughter back. Is the answer? Silence?
(29:25):
It's not ok turn on the Participation Awards. Robbie Robertson
is about to see one of his hands. Sorry, sorry, sorry,
Hi everybody. UM, I want to say, I know it's
been a pretty crazy night here for these awards, but
I think every one of you deserves an award about time. Yeah,
Man and Re wrote a song about it. Do cripples
(29:50):
in the creek? Which one cripples in the creek? Yeah,
it's a little well, I've I've updated this. I've updated
cripples in the creek to um to crinkle in the creek.
It's pretty much the same song. Creek is the problem. No,
I meant like creek, not like an actual running water.
Look at he's got nunchucks. Alright, you motherfucker's. None of
(30:14):
you deserved this award, none of you. You understand, you
cut up off, scary, Look you got it. You guys
pulling your weight right here. Okay, I'm pulling. Never be
as white Jesus Christ I'm fun and dart and bringing
stuff in here. That's what this is center block in
for you. How many answer on that center block? There
are a lot. I found Snowball. She was just in
(30:42):
the den the entire time. I don't know how she
transferred her chip to somebody, but she did. Okay, Well,
all that matters is that you're safe. By the way,
your dad is out there with illegal nunchucks. He's looking
for you. But we're home and we're safe. So why
don't we just turn on the participation awards and hope
everything works out a fide with your dad. Okay, that
(31:04):
sounds like a plant. Were Snowball right here coming a
little girl? It's hey god, yeah. Um. I wanted to
say I thought, hold on't okay. I just wanted to say,
I'm sorry to interrupt. I wanted to say about what
you did for that girl that died. Yeah, the way
(31:26):
you brought him. Oh no, no, no, no, Okayama, I
knew that. I just thought that was really cool, that
girl that died in Ohio. And then she was what
did you bring me? I was just I didn't bring
you a gift. You just came in here and didn't
bring me I was just gonna say, I thought it
was really cool you that you were doing miracles again.
(31:48):
I thought that was really cool, and you just didn't
bring anything for me. Um, I have this. Oh my god,
God had a stroke. Yeah, how does that even work?
I don't Oh. I think he was taking some sort
of performance dress and he was all worked up and
the note started bleeding and like, I don't know what
(32:09):
to do. But he was like, am I God? No?
Because I was okay at being an angel, but I
wasn't even right like last year. I just got like
a participation. It weren't it. Now. I'm like, my god,
We'll try to try to bring somebody back to life. Oh,
I don't know to pick someone, my mom, I just
had a long time ago from the s. Give it
(32:31):
a shot. I don't know where to begin. Okay, you're
clearly not God. And that's our second scene, our final
scene suggestion for today. Hey guys, my name is George,
and I worked for a certain big box retailer who
may or may not have decided that an asterix would
(32:53):
be a fantastic symbol for their company. I can assure
you that if you have a good sense of humor,
then it's very difficult to work on the floor of
such a retailer. Listening to request from our customers can
spontaneously send you into fits of hysterical after if you
aren't trained to resist this. I am so trained, and
I'm happy to report that you guys have broken me
a few times while out there on the floor. I
love everything you do, well most of it right. So
(33:15):
my hopeful scene a sales associate, a department manager, a
customer with an impossible request that must be satisfied because
the customer is always right right, laughing until I'm pretty again.
George of North Carolina, I'm sorry. I just don't understand
why you can't accommodate my ask. So you don't have
a receipt and we have. I don't see the product
(33:38):
right here. I want this toaster to turn into a
little car that I can drive around. Okay, and that
can't be done. Then I guess maybe I don't want
to Please, please, please, please don't leave. Let me grab
my supervisor. What's going on? Hi, thank you for being here.
I saw there was some sort of commotion there. Commotion
over and just have my lunch in peace. I'm sorry,
(33:58):
and I don't know why I can't have my life
in peace. Excuse me, I'm a customer. Excuse my or
your customers. Yeah, that changes. Give me your lunch, Give
me your lunch, Dan, do it? I just all right,
I'll be right back. I'll bring you my lunch. Um. Now, look,
if he doesn't come back with the lunch that I
(34:19):
want your asses in trouble. I know what he has today,
So I want you tell me what is you want?
I want a steak pizza. He has Thai food. Okay,
well that's not what I want. Is coconut? Look at that?
Look at that? You know what. I'm gonna put my
hands in there and I'm not gonna need any of
that because I wanted a steak pizza. Now I want
this toaster pizza turn into a little car and for
(34:39):
me to get inside and drive around. That could happen
if you have your receipt. I don't. This is FedEx kinks. Yeah,
what what do you mean? We could do that, right,
aren't you. I'm sorry? You know the candy you sell.
The candy you're selling right here? I mean this is
just items here. Um, so where the toaster? This is it?
(35:01):
That's the toaster? Yeah, it's you and someone passed in it. Yes,
next question, it looks old, Yes, it's old. It's magical. Okay,
apparently there was a genie who died in there. That's
who passed, and all the magical wishes are inside. And
if you tie it right with the right piece of
toast and it pops up, you get one wish. I'm
sticking tired of explain people. So what do we have
(35:23):
to do to make you happy? You gotta make sure
that this toaster can turn into a little car for
me to drive around. And two, I can't be more clear,
And you're saying that if we can get a piece
of toast you're married, of course, give me the keys
here house. I want to go to your house and
live like you do for a little. I think that's
I think you have to have the boss here. Customers
always right. I know, Ny, this is a piece of
(35:49):
this is kids. Come here, you're my kid? No, no, no, no,
this is this is inappropriate. I wouldn't have been here. Listen,
if I had known you were coming home early, I
wouldn't never been here. I don't want to head calm
down and the customers always right. I want to her
(36:13):
to express yourselves. All right, guys, welcome on board. You're
almost team members here at the FedEx can Goes. You're
just gonna watch this quick training video, leave you alone
five minutes. If you have any questions, you just let
me know. Sound good, Yes, sounds good, Yes, sounds great?
Press playing now you want to be a FedEx can't
go member. We better shut the funk up and listen
up your people. It's just really quick Randy macho man savage. Yeah, yeah,
(36:35):
we got him. Um I do I do want to say,
maybe take notes? Take notes on this? Come, I might
ask you a couple There are a lot of profanity
in this training video. That's not for me to say.
I'll press play and oh yeah, because real quick, I
think now that I recall, I think, so press play.
Let's have a fucking piece of chest dick holes. All right?
You want to make those copies and want to make
(36:55):
them good, well, then you better shut the funk up
and listen to this. Goddamn customers a fuck up listen
to Now. What are you gonna do when they're asking
you to have a lamination? Huh? You can tell us
showing up their ask to go to funktown but you
can also come on a pleasant right here. Okay, where's
town having a lamination? What is having a lamination? Laminating
(37:16):
a document? Yes? Okay, but what are we going to
tell the customer if they asked about I think that
the first thing was farcical that he was suggesting. I
think he was about to tell us that we should
probably laminate the document. Well, actually what he actually said
us shove it up their ass, right, But he said
you could say that, but it was the way the
tone made it seem like the next but he should say,
but we didn't get there because you have manager written
all over you. Oh I've been a manager at a
(37:38):
lot of places. That makes sense, sir. I think I'm
having a lamination. What does that mean? I don't know. Okay, well,
we're almost done with this video. Okay, Randy, We're going
to do another shot. But come on and stick to
the script this time. Far off of it. It's not
I'm an artist and I gotta read it my way,
all right, Yes, but you're not even yeah, god, you're
(38:00):
not even really get a toll. I mean you literally
is supposed to say. You know, if the toner runs low,
be sure to replace it. With a one sixty print drink.
The toner is running low and kick that ship in
the dick balls and ram its ass out of his
face and then fun that ship until it all that
stuff gets back in. Uh, that's not it at all ready,
just a new a slim jim. Please stop telling everyone
(38:23):
to go to fun town. Alright, fun down population me
and you bah bah, all right, listen, I got some
good news. Oh please please broke good news. It's I know,
so where to get the guy out of your house? Okay,
because I found somebody who says he can turn this
toaster into a tiny carpet and dry. My wife is
I think, right? I think my wife? What's the guy?
(38:43):
I'm sure she does that? Guys like fucking cool? You
know what I mean? Um, he commands a room. Now
this is factor, you know what I mean? Like, how
do you do that? All right? Now? This is the
guy here. He had a sign outside saying, um, the
is near. So I just approached him and he says
he knows what's up with how to turn toasters in
(39:04):
the cars. Okay, well that sounds like weird credentials. But
do you want to turn your toaster into a car Okay,
you sound kind of know that there's a genie stuck
in this toaster. That's what I've been told. Well, if
you do get the wish, because you make sure that
you don't use that wish because it's maybe I can
(39:24):
take this toaster off your hands. I need the toaster
for this customer. Oh, you need the toaster for the customer. Well, wait,
are you going to fix the toaster for us and
turn it into a little tiny car or not? Hell, yeah,
I'm gonna turn it. You're going to be a manager
one day. Don't say that. You know I'm saying that
one day you'll be a manager. Here's the toaster. Okay,
(39:49):
that's a for slaughter. Yeah, I was surprised by it too. Okay,
it's a smart toaster, so that's good. Should I plug
it in or is it find Let's plug it in.
Let's plug it in. Okay, Well, we're gonna have to
kind of sneak through my house because that guy is
in there. Daddy, daddy, excuse me, daddy, I'm not getting
(40:09):
off your father's lap. Don't even make us some more more.
TEMI cuts. Here's here. Now you keep it. You deserve it. Oh,
I'll take it for both of you. I don't. Oh, well,
here's this, and here's this. What that leads you here
in the kitchen and here's the kitchen for FedEx. Kinko's
(40:32):
how long? Yeah, well I guess probably about ten years?
Can we take I worked there back in the day. Really,
I work with Kinko himself. No, Mr Kinko. Yeah, we
just called him Kinko. You didn't call him Mr Kinko.
I make my staff call me Mr. Well that might
be part of your problem. Really, Well, it's plugged in,
so well it's rebooting. Let's give it some time to reboot,
(40:56):
all right, Daddy, Daddy, dad me, Oh, why are you
doing here? I just was where the hell is my toaster?
I just heard daddy a few times, so I came
in here. We don't consider part of his family anymore.
Turned okay, Well we're working on. Is it true that
if the toaster turns into a car, a tinny car,
(41:18):
you're going to leave us? Momly? Is that true? Let
him speak? When a man he's leaving, he's leaving. Yeah,
I'm you're taking anybody with your baby in that tiny car.
I don't know if it'll fit, if any it'll fit.
(41:39):
I was like, what one of us I used to
produce training videos for FedEx kin goes they make our trash.
Oh that one with Randy Machoman. Savage addressed his kool
aid man. Yeah, it's weird. It doesn't make sense. It's
very weird. Yeah. I feel like he's not even following
the script that used to be consistent in all. I
was hoping that just ring the toaster off and turning
(42:01):
it on again would wear that your plan already, it's
not turning it into Adam. My family's in there. I
want my family. Alright, new hires, listen up. First of all,
congratulations on getting through training. Yes, thank you. Now this
is a bit unorthodox, but we're going to ask you
to go above and beyond during your first day. Best
(42:23):
quality is also my worst quality is also my best quality.
That's what we like about you. All right. So here's
the task at hand. Do any of you know how
to turn a toaster into a tiny car because this
is a riddle. Uh no, this is an actual, actual
thing we need to do. I mean I might. My
(42:46):
dad was a genie. Say no more, want to say more?
Will you guys talk about I'm leaving. Yeah, see, my
mom rubbed a lamp a long time ago, and her
third wish was to fuck the genie. That's what. So, yeah,
my dad, I think I inherited half of what you
talk about your mother so callously. It doesn't seem like
(43:08):
you have a good relationship respect her. I love my mom,
I really do. I was phoned in. Yeah, all right,
well she left. Okay to raise myself on just Ton
Heer and Grola bars. Do you have Genie skills? Yes?
But okay, okay, you are ruining my life. Hey, just
(43:28):
you know what His plan was, turned off the toast
and turn it back on. We try that already, I know. Okay.
Good news though, Okay, one of the new hires thinks
he can do it. He says he's part of Genie.
He's what. That's right, Get out of the deck. You
know what. I'm gonna be back here and I'm going
to be the man at this house again. And don't
wait right, wait, wait a minute, nobody's cleaned the crumb tray. Jesus,
(43:52):
all right, I'm gonna clean the crumb tray. Go alright,
which one of you super super employees A s okay, cool,
that's not he says that to everything. This guy right here, Hi,
half Genie, but yeah, half Cheney. Do you think you're
(44:14):
going to have to do this job? Are you gonna
do this job? Don't be so rude. I'm sorry, I'm
desperate here. Okay, there's a man with my wife and
my child. Basically, I don't think it's brand to talk
about that kind of stuff at work. What Yeah, you
don't want to watch the macho man ready savage sexual
harassment video. It's terrible, it's scary. I'm happy to go
down there and do what I can. I brought the
(44:36):
toaster to you. Did it's right here? Turn it into
a tiny car. Please, I will give you. I will
give you a straight trus in. Um, I need some
pumpernickel bread nic bread. Yeah, it's a toaster. Did you
not even get that part of it? Well, no, I
know it's a toaster. On that dun dumb. I have
some in my lunch and you get a little tune
on it. But I can scrape it makes a good
(45:00):
Mayo because I have a problem with So it's just
straight up to one set. Scrape scrape, scrape, scrape scrape.
So who was the who who was it? Your mother
and father? Who was the genie? I ran out my dad.
Your dad was yeah, okay, I haven't seen him since then,
So let me put the breadit. Have you done this before?
(45:22):
Oh my god, I am the genie of the toaster? Son? Hi, Dad, Son,
I kill it. I need this genie, Dad, I got it.
I never thought i'd see you again. I guess my
wish came true. Oh my god, that's so sad. That
(45:47):
kid was totally separate. Sorry, Dad, Look, I want to
spend time with you. I never want to let you
go again. But part of this is you have to
turn your home and do a tiny little car that
total pricking right around in Please phrase it in the
form of a wish. Do it? Do it? I wish,
(46:09):
just do it that your toaster became a tiny little
car that this asshole customer can drive, and we go
outside and throw the ball around. Then it is so, hey,
(46:29):
let me in. You change the locks. What do you want?
I got the tiny carl? Hello, Please don't this toaster
is not a tiny little car like to count the
toasters on the highway. There he goes, Mom, there you go.
(46:58):
I hate do you like you've been here. What do
you mean you need to go get cigarettes? Dad? Well,
I wish that I could smoke. Well, I could just
wish for them for you, and then you'd have cigarettes.
Oh no, you don't. You won't get the good ones. Okay,
(47:22):
I just you know. Look, you knew Dad was a
genie when you brought me back from the toaster. I know,
but you know I love you and I want to
be around your dad. How's your mom doing? By the way,
she left? What was her name again? Oh my god,
there's been so many It's been so everyone everyone's third
(47:43):
wishes to funk the genie. Yeah, well I wish for
your dick to fall off. Whoa, Okay, that's a new one.
So now you won't do this to anybody else's mom. Dad,
you're a terrible per a terrible genie. Okay, but as
you always know that, there's a catch whenever you make
(48:05):
a wish. Now you've got a genie dick. Oh my,
good luck with that. With great power comes great responsibility. Wow,
this is a nice place. Thank you? Who is that? Mr?
Elton John? Oh? Wow? Yeah, Um, let's get down to it.
(48:29):
I want to make it with you. Then I want
to see your dick. All right, that's enough kissing. Okay,
all right, it's it's a little different than what you're
used to. Hey, I've seen a lot of dicks. All right,
Well here we go, Oh ship, what is this? All
(48:52):
the artists following off your halls in this apartment? So
this is thing? Go inside of me. I'm tiring. That's
our show, magical, exactly where we thought I would go.
Let's thank your alchemists. See what's going on. Chris Alvarado
(49:13):
Chris Alvarado on Instagram. I just got the hot hot
stories coming at you, Van Hi regular stories ram NYC
typewriter set type writer dot com. If you're in l
a com, gonna eat the popcorn and see your shore
why you're in it? Yeah. Greig Kikowski Kikowski on Twitter
(49:33):
see Kikowski on Instagram. And I'd like to thank our
sponsor band Aid, Piggy whatever is uh James E n
thanks for tuning in and uh, you know, I guess
go to the real James C dot com. You can
find some James C ny content. Sweet Joey grab at
jeby Grieber on Instagram and the Twitter check out at alchemy.
(49:55):
This is Instagram. We got there's questions and stuff that
people are answering. Fun. Check out good Night Download. It's
an album on Spotify, and uh, that's all I have. Sweet.
I'm at Cole Stratton at Stratton Cold, depending on the
social thing. Come see Pretty Pretty Pony the first Thursday
of the month the ten p m os a comedy theater,
and come see Alchemy This live at s S Sketch
(50:16):
Fest in San Francisco on Saturday January one pm at
the punch Line. Go to s sketch Fest dot com
for tickets to that and come say hello. That's it
for today. Let's thank our engineer and producer Doug Babe,
our post sound design artist Raphael Brito, and lastly, I
heart media. Oh no. We encourage all of you to
(50:38):
write a review, tell everyone you've ever met and write
to us at your name here at alchemy This dot com.
That's your name until next time. And a football and
(51:17):
a football
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This once again,
it's Cold Stratton filling in for Kevin Pollock, who was
making a documentary at a time a TV Channels first
expanded the marvelous Basic Cable. It's the day after New
Year's and we've already fucked up all of our resolutions.
(00:24):
How many boys were out there? Don't worry about that, man,
I had to take a oberlus. Let's meet our alchemists today,
in no particular order. He's starring in a biopic about
the Cereal mascot sugar Bear, Craig Kakowski. Craig, how do
you plan to make him come to life on the
big screen? Well, a lot of c g I, but
(00:45):
also some mo cap old school guy in a suit.
Sweet oh boy? Uh. Next up, she's the Queen of emojis,
Vanessa Raglan v what's the best combo of emojis to
send a p oh shrug, manicure and then a fruit?
It has to make sense. Figure it out, You do
(01:08):
them out. He's been tasked with writing a sequel to Yesterday.
Chris Alvarado, Chris, what band disappears from existence in your
follow up film? Um? I think it's Um, I don't know.
Have got to write name a band. I can't name one,
(01:28):
can name one his sequels? I don't know who they
are the band? I know who they are, you can
I a member of the band. Guitarist guitarist Robbie Robertson Levine. Hell,
come on, you got this? Is that real? That's real? Alright? Well,
(01:50):
I look forward to seeing what do you do with it? Oh, boy, guys,
he's just secured funding to open up a little museum. Joey,
I can't wait, Joey, what's gonna be in this museum
of hers? It's gonna be too tiry to know everything's
in there is gonna be so small and delicate. I mean,
the simplest breath will destroy it. It's a highly curated,
(02:10):
highly anticipated Uh. It's high alright, So get your tickets
now at spunk at spunk dot com. How did you
get that? I know a guy, I go, daddy, that's
better than spunk dot eu. Uh. And finally, he's been
(02:30):
spelunking in nearly all the world's caves. James Heeney, Hey,
what's the weirdest thing you ever found in a subterranean place? Well,
there was a like a tabernacle of sorts where you
would sacrifice a body in order to resurrect one of
your friends that has been lost in the caves. Does
that make sense? It does. Can you name a band? Yeah?
(02:51):
How about the Grateful Dead? See, there we go. That
would have worked. Of course, you said you're fucking dead head?
Not how many times have you super little bears everywhere?
By the way, this is why I didn't say a man,
because I knew I would have been a town. I
wanted to attack you so bad I was waiting, waiting.
(03:11):
Did I get attacked? That's right? Well, before we get rolling,
we'd like to invite you to be a v i
P member on our new Patreon page. There's bonus episodes
not available to non members. There's a phone number just
for v i P s where you can leave a
message be at a question and request or whatever, and
we'll reply at our new regular video q And as
with the Alchemists at Kevin's Place, which are only available
(03:32):
to v i P s, there's all kinds of cool ship,
so please join our super core fans by going to
patreon dot com slash Alchemy. This. All of today's scene
suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails. If you'd like
to submit yours, please write to the podcast at your
name here at Alchemy this dot com. That's your name
here at Alchemy. Our first scene suggestion, Hello everyone, my
(03:55):
wife got me listening to your podcast just around the
time he started. Oh boy, and I haven't hooked ever since.
I love you all equally, and shout out to Kevin
Pollock because he is super fucking dope. Is that as
kissing smell? Maybe? But I digress. You're doing it wrong.
(04:16):
That's you eat you. As as I am sitting here,
working late into the night listening to the podcast, I
came up with the following scene suggestion. A third party
marketing group has been hired to revive a common brand
name that has been slowly dying among new competition. Unfortunately,
(04:40):
everyone procrastinated and now has to work through the night
to make sure their presentation is ready by morning. Looking
forward to so many more episodes, Michael keating, No, I
don't care how long it takes. We need those stroke
(05:01):
brand stormers. He lost his brain. He can't be dead.
Let me check for a pulse. Why are you so
against this? Let it go? I mean, I mean, go ahead,
bringing back if you want. We don't have time. Two
ways on the pulse check. I mean it's possible that
he's band aids. Okay, what are we going to call
(05:23):
band aids? We have six hours, you have six hours.
Come on, it's plenty of time. A band aids brand
rebrand we're brewery branding. It's a rebrand aids brand, raids, brand,
raids brand, rights, rights, covering, wounds brand right, Alie strips
um Bowie Bowie Bowie Bowie strips. Life on Marsh, Life
(05:49):
on Venus, from women, Are from Venus, start up. Piggy Heartbreak, heartbreak,
Piggy heartbreaks, write that Peggy breaks? Good? Does it? Band
aids were renaming it was I drank a lot of
that drink. I think Piggy heartbreaks we worked out all right,
skinning my need? Does anyone have a Biggie heartbreak? That's good?
(06:11):
That's Good's good? Pizza pizza, Oh my god. Five hours
and fifty seven minutes and Mark is going to be
dead no matter what. You just have to Kirk, won't,
won't just uh, you know, go with it. He's got
(06:32):
a very slight pulse. And I think if we get
some what is it some salt I think what that
think what we were band aids, some salt bandigs sin
think about he does this? Guys are all just whacked
(06:52):
out on drugs. We have some salt salt pus that work.
Just shoot me, David Spade, Heart Club, Piggy, Heart Club,
Heart Club. I don't want to be the bearer of
(07:14):
bad news, but it seems like you guys are all
on the same drugs that he was on. And if
he had a stroke in his maybe dead. Maybe it's
going to happen to you. Oh you want to you
want to give get some panic in the industry. You
just bleeding. Did we get one with Pepperoni? Or they
all just playing? They're all give us? Did you want Pepperoni?
(07:35):
Give us a word? I wanted pepper Hey, man, God,
I'll get a Pepperoni word from Mama. Johnny's go for it. Okay, Uh,
good dad, Dad rip rip ripped, ripped Dad, Dad ripped. Okay,
you should do some of these jokes. Free some of
the drugs. Mama Joni's Yes, I need to Uh, I
(07:57):
need to get another pie. Apparently one of them. I
was supposed to be brown man. Yes, I'm calling. I
just need a pepperoni pie. I want to buy a Yes,
you've got a nice voice. What are you wearing? Thank you?
I am wearing overalls and a trucker hat. Gay, Mama,
Johnny like, what would you like? Is that what you ask? Mama?
(08:18):
Johnny like? Oh, Mama, who are you talking to? More
about it? Phone, I'll call you back. Hello. What the fun?
Uh sir? So we're we still have time to go,
but we wanted to give you so far our two
strong ideas for band aid. All right, let's hear them.
It's very important to me, better than the family for here. Okay,
(08:43):
so we're thinking out there. You got this, um, you
got this man? Thank you? Thank you? All right? Just
shoulders the guys doing. Mark's doing great in the other room.
Oh yeah, Mark is. He's not dead, that's for sure.
I don't know who Mark is, but okay, don't know Mark.
You're serious? What bring him in here? Him in here?
You gotta meet him? A great idea, all right, but
(09:06):
this is on you. What you gotta bring Mark in?
Are you kidding? You got the floor? He's you're the
one that was upset. Just roped him up and make
him look like he's participating. Okay, but he's a pretty
heavy guy. Oh you're you should talk. I couldn't get
the Pepperoni's what I couldn't I couldn't get that. I'm sorry.
I just called her. She told me she'd call me back,
(09:30):
and it's been like twenty minutes. She likes you, likes you.
Have you heard about what happens talking about Joanie and
Peter sitting in Okay, okay, so I have to bring
him in there myself first. What is going on? Just
pick him up, pick him up, his voice to his voice.
(09:57):
You're doing, Tony Clifton. Well, I have to go feed
my maid. Just there. I've been waiting for a while. Guy.
Yeah that's yeah, yeah, sorry, sorry, Okay, so really quick,
what are our two ideas? Piggy heartbreak and parking meter parking?
Out there? That's how bad we're doing right out. That's
(10:17):
how bad we're doing right now. Okay, they're sucking boss
that a metard parking? Huh, guys, we're gonna do Smark
spot is probably gonna open up. Oh yeah, all right.
I think I think since I think since we have
one great idea, one really great idea, break, I think
Mark should be the one to say it. Really, Yeah, Wow,
that's not you. You're not Mark, You're not. I just
(10:39):
feel like I've really become Mark. Right. Let me hear
the voice again, Mark, Piggy, Heartbreak, Heartbreakers, before the bost
before the boss gets here. Can you give us one
more association? You're a genius man based on the word
boo boo boo boo, Yogi yoga, beak room rapist. Yeah, okay, okay, rst.
(11:06):
I'm not gonna go in there and say that Mark
is you. Let me faces, we be faces faces. I'm
Mark's voice. I'm not gonna say that. What is wrong
with you? For someone who's sober? You sound high as ship?
I am not high, I'm super so. Your phone is
(11:28):
blowing up, Mama jon Ship. Okay, give me hello? Hey,
you're alone? Give me a second. Hello? What are you
talking to? Hello? You go to the oven? It was
just breathing. Oh wait, she's still on the phone. Hellop,
(11:49):
Am I alone? U? Yeah? I'm alone? Who's in the
bike round? Nobody? Can I get a pepperoni pizza? Please?
What's eyes? You want? Large? Large pepper pep gette exte?
Can I get an extra large? Oh? Yeah, yeah you
can great. Oh man, she likes she can be making
(12:10):
pizza for seven. I just want one. I just want
one pizza. No, no, no, don't do you want pizza?
I just want to give you. Don't give me. I
will find you and killing you. Okay, I'm finding you.
What killing you. I'm not gonna get pizza for Mama
John's anymore. I'm not. I'm not. I just twin meat,
(12:30):
get a pizza. I need to eat. We have playing.
We got three plane, not pizza marks not could eat
any plane. He's gotta look like it's participating in the
meeting points plane. I mean, I hate to be the
nitpicker of the group. I don't know if it's the drunks,
but it sounds like you're saying playing p l A
and G playing going walk the plank, walk the playing,
(12:55):
Oh yeah playing. Uh it's a nice Oh you have
a nice twain playing coming in my wang. Damn. I
feel like a woman. Uh oh, he's coming, he's coming coming.
(13:16):
Give me the staple of slice to his hands and
let's go in there here. You give me this and
the award for best Employee and the individual who has
single handedly saved band Aid. Let me finish single handedly
saved band aid. Let me let me finish. Mark Thompson,
(13:43):
we start. My name is Mark, and I worked really
hard with the team when the team went. Is he
gonna eat that pizza? It's just like his lip. This
is a good play. Then I'll excuse me, Mark, you dropped,
You dropped some of your cheek. Well okay, well I'll
(14:06):
just there. My hands her full with Mark. Mark, I
want you to meet some people. This is my fam hand.
Would love to shake your hand, but I see you've
got him full of pizza. Sorry, I can What can
we help you? Reattach that cheek with a piggy heartbreak Lewis,
(14:28):
you should be a comedian. This this one is special
adhesive and yeah, that's gonna stay right there. Okay, don't
want to meet somebody else. I want you to to meet
this friend of mine and she has been asking about
you for a while. Here she is like me, I'm
Claire Herbert, the President of the United States. I don't
(14:48):
think she's a friend of mine. And uh, you don't
remember her running? What are you talking about? I don't
follow politics. Politics, I like that just affects all of us.
I'm guys, I'm sorry. There's a really angry, large Italian
man running up the stairs. Where is he? Where is
the son of a bitch? Where? Right there? That's what? What? What?
(15:13):
You'll you'll you'll make a play for my wife. No,
I didn't. I wear a pizza. She's like water a
pizza for my wife. It was me, ma, and I
call you what pizza? Oh my god, oh god, we
do not have enough piggy heartbreak of the blood already congealed. Oh,
(15:39):
it's strange. Must be the error. Well you, I can
just speak from what I assume is the truth that
I've seen on television or going to jail for a
very long time. Sorry, I don't care. That's how I
about trying to love with my wife. No, you kill
(16:00):
the man. I am sorry, babe. I killed a man
for you because I'm so passionate for you. You're gonna
jaff for a long time. And if I ever hear
the voice there romanced me, I will know and I
will leave you for him, Madam President, Why don't you
um pardon pardon him? Pardon them? Yeah, maybe I will.
(16:26):
We all know what it feels like to have the
fire of love surging through our bodies, and sometimes that
makes us two things we regret. Gina did her voice change.
I'm partying, pardon part I'm partying. I'm gonna party in
your honor because you're not going to jail. Honey. Oh
is this a pardoned party? Pizza for everybody? And that's
(16:52):
our first sid second see suggestion Hi guyss from Partially Awesome, Ohio.
You guys are all great. Feel like I should say
more because everyone does. But like my middle school guidance
counselor said, would you jump off the roof of everyone
did it? So? Yeah? Anyways, my scene suggestion is do
(17:14):
you give every child a participation trophy? Or metal society
we live in has ultimately led to a Grammy Oscar
Award type ceremony that presents awards for mundane or insignificant accomplishments.
Keep up the great work, Richard from Columbus, Ohio. You
guys ready for the Yeah, I'm nervousous, I'm not nervous
(17:35):
at all. I want to win. Hey, guys, I'm gonna
give you guys both an award before you go out there.
It's gonna make you feel pretty good to despight whatever
happens on the stage. Elton John are you serious? This here,
this one, this reward here is for good spirit. Wow,
you go ahead, hold it. Take it. That's great, take it.
(17:55):
I have it. Yeah, he's holding it. The thing and
this here award is for you. It's forgiving it. You're
all thanks. I'm holding it, Mr John. Yeah. Can you
can you sing something for it? Are you serious? Do
you mind? Um? I quit touring music because I don't
do it live anymore. Okay, that's crazy. I don't think
(18:17):
it ever leaves you. Yeah, I feel like it's always
inside of you. Um, all right, but you make turn
turn your phones off. I don't want any recordings of
this course, Yeah, of course. Okay, so long, yellow brick rude.
After a while, crockod I can't do any more than that. Was. Hey,
(18:38):
did I just hear you try? No? No, no, no,
no no no. Here's your participation aard. Congratulations, way to participate.
I don't want this award. You earned it, You earned it,
you tried something. Yeah, but I didn't want to have that.
It was a secret song, Sir Elton. You're on in ten. Okay, nine, Hey,
get out there, get seven ladies and gentlemen, welcome to
the I want this Wars starting out the awards. Mr, Sir,
(19:07):
you can just call it sir Elton John Sir. Gosh,
so long, Yellow Big Road. I'm not gonna do any
more singing. I quit touring musically, seriously. Small danswer, Okay,
I know my songs because I want to award everyone here.
(19:30):
I guess I will award them with a couple of
stanzas from one of my favorite songs. I guess that's
why they call it the Shoes, Small Dancer in the
window making you know what? You know what? Actually, I'm
going to stop right in the middle of this Stanca. Okay,
(19:52):
well they give it up for St. John. Everybody college
try award all right now, I'm happy to I didn't
even turn off that goddamn show. I'm not putting that
crap in my house, all right. We're not watching that
ship in my house. In my house. You're not paying
any guy, Damn. I stop saying at your goddamn house.
(20:12):
And I'm just saying if it was my house, that's
another I need to stop paying rent, all right. I
can't what you can't. I can't. You gotta start participating
this goddamn house, alright, don't you eat all the ship
and you sleep here. All right, you guys start giving
money things. I'm well, what else you doing to help
with the You're not paying rent and you're not bringing
(20:33):
food in another thing, you're sticking up the place. Some pets?
You fast on pets? What pets? Nobody else was fine pets.
Nobody wanted any pets to live in What have you seen? Snowball?
Where the hole? Snowball? Maybe relax? Relax? You know she
(20:53):
likes to go explore every now and then she'll be back.
I don't know. I have a terrible feeling about this. Well,
she she has microchip. To pull up your iPhone and
do the find me app All right? I think I
don't have to go to a vet anymoret I mean
you just left them in a dumpster somewhere. No, no, no,
not somewhere the dumpster. You know them? God damn it,
God damn it. Wrong with me? It's been your ass.
(21:15):
That's roman. You should never wounded me over you careful
you have a one night's sam with I didn't want
to have a one night stand with you. I want
to have a too night stand with you. I feel
the passion. My phone says she's in the dumpster district.
Oh god, I think we should just leave her. I
mean I haven't been down there in years. Every dumpster
(21:38):
has something in it that all right? Just keep him
over here? Can we help you? What's going on here?
All right? I put that dumps put the dump by
that wall over there, and let's let's get these stuff
to he out of the water. All right, he's gonna
be a mom. Come on, what's going on? Sorry? Go
help me? What's going on? My want to what do
(21:58):
you bring that thumb star over there? All right? Let's
make nonose dumb just got fives in them, all right,
because we got to get these fun like, hey, alright, boss,
can I go home early in the Participation Awards? You
go home early for the participation or everybody's watching the
Participation Award? You know you want to participation one? How
about pay check for doing your job? What do you say?
(22:20):
I got another one over there? Wait? What do you do?
You stare my cat and the nominees for showing up
to work? Oh please please, Jason mc daniels, Sara Carter,
we're all getting win, Brian Bobby sock Blues please, Tara
(22:43):
McKnight and the winner goes to because all those names. Again,
he goes to when it's so bad, When it's so bad,
Tara McKnight in reverse order. Um, Bobby Bobby, Bobby, Bobby
(23:03):
sucks blues. Why is he dragging this out? I don't
just read it. You want to get this stut of
her three I'm not and they gate that idea. All right,
I'm here to tell you that I don't believe in
the participation awards and what he could hear us the
(23:23):
whole time, Robbie robertson the woodster. But remember the band
doesn't believe participation awards. I'm here to take a stand. Yeah,
I'm glad we can't turn that ship off. Let's drama. Look,
you gotta either start paying something or getting the hell out.
You gotta start shutting that mouth before come. Don't come on.
(23:47):
You can't help close Clara. Uh No, she's she's not here.
I think she. I think she left me to live
in the dumpster district. And I'm ashamed to say that
what she our cat was missing, and um, I think
she now lives officially in the dumpster district. You don't
(24:07):
have to put up with that. What are you supposed
to do what I listen, I've got some illegal nun chucks, okay,
and you and I make some illegal. Well they're nun
chucks and nunchucks. They're illegal. So I just want to
keep it on the down blow. And first of all,
it's not even your business. Honey, what you doing here?
Where's my girl? What are you guys doing? What are
(24:31):
you guys doing? Having guy talk down here? You know what?
We were just having guy talks? Where's my little lane junk? Oh?
You know what? She had to get chipped, my daughter? Yeah, yeah,
it's the thing. It's the thing to you. Why are
we chipping? All right? So you want to get chipped?
Is that right? Yeah? Okay, alright, please chip me. Okay,
(24:55):
sit down and let's just do it. I guess I'll
cut here quick, do a quick okay, And then I
guess I'm gonna take this and put it in suf
fishing in there? How deep you want it? Where it
was appropriate? I gotta turn it on and turn it on,
all right? Hold on, let me get it. Oh? I
lost it? Should I lost it? I lost it? Okay,
I don't leave now you find so you're here to
(25:18):
get your nunchucks registered? Yeah, i'd like to. I've brought
my my I D my credentials. This is my training.
She was about a six month process to what to
legalize your nunchuck. No, no, no, I need this done quick.
You do today like today? Are you hoping to use them?
I need to use them? Well, they're still illegal. It's
no longer a matter of hope. Look, we're gonna have
(25:39):
to to you know, the process to legalize your nunchucks.
It's it's very involved. You have to leave them with
us for a period of three months. Just leave them
with you, just to see if there's a problem. No, no,
I think we can get my supervisor involved. No, under control.
Let's just keep it between us, sir. We're prepared to
kick your ass with legal nun whoa whoa whoa for
(26:03):
six months is worth the wait. Listen, I'm sure that
both of you nun chuck ins can realize the importance
of having protection on you. None chuck ins in the
fine state of Ohio appreciate the law above all else. Sir,
I know that you do you want me to af
forge nun chuck papers? Please? I wouldn't ask you if
I wasn't despoke. That's that's pretty dire, man. You know
(26:26):
that's the liner. One minute dude. If I do this,
I mean, it's a big deal. All right, we can
both get those. We have two pm curfew. Everybody at
dumped super nap time. Look, I gotta I gotta laid
down for a nappy. So wait, I need this before
a nap, before that. You want me to forge quickly
(26:46):
for nun chuck papers. If I don't get those dun
chucks today right now, then I don't even need do it.
I'll do it. These is legal. There you go, Thank you,
Thank you all. So we're doing this. I mean, do
you love your daughter? Yes? And that's what we're talking
about here, right, that's right? Wait, no, am I the
(27:09):
only same one in this house. It's his wife, it's
your daughter, you're my husband. They're cats missing. I don't
know what he's going on. And thank you for clearing
than you did a lot of drugs earlier. Legal. Yes, no, no,
no, no no no no. These Look at this paper. Let
me just show you. That's a greasy burger rapper. Well,
(27:32):
but read what it says, des go on, you can
read legal. Thank you and put that away. So we're
gonna get my daughter back in your cat back now
my wife, your wife. It's two characters. Yes, I mean
maybe we could uh, maybe we can harvest some of
her parts or something, her organs, you know, the chip
(27:54):
didn't take and she and lose her. She's right here.
I'm just saying, maybe, God, what Chad, what we're supposed
to do? Like little animals? You killed a lady, lady?
How did you? You cut right into an artery? That's bad.
Don't look at him. About is baker? Okay, but we
don't even do that for pet. You don't cut into
the bury it. You just use a little inserted thing. Look,
(28:21):
you took an exact don't have to major artery. Oh
my god, don't give me that ship right now. Don't
give me Okay, Oh my god, oh my god. I'm
just sky sinking my voice. But I am trained to you,
Stace legal man, Chuck, Okay, I am here to find
(28:43):
my daughter, a wife of a man and a cut.
It's just a riddle. No, no, no, I don't it's ship. No, no, no, John, No,
there's no way. Hockey cat hockey cat hockey cast So okay,
(29:04):
that's one of mine. Huh, hockey cat It keeps moving close,
and hockey cat gonna score a goal. Hockey cat. Okay,
that's all I remember from the source. But a while listen,
I want silence. I want my daughter back. Is the answer? Silence?
(29:25):
It's not ok turn on the Participation Awards. Robbie Robertson
is about to see one of his hands. Sorry, sorry, sorry,
Hi everybody. UM, I want to say, I know it's
been a pretty crazy night here for these awards, but
I think every one of you deserves an award about time. Yeah,
Man and Re wrote a song about it. Do cripples
(29:50):
in the creek? Which one cripples in the creek? Yeah,
it's a little well, I've I've updated this. I've updated
cripples in the creek to um to crinkle in the creek.
It's pretty much the same song. Creek is the problem. No,
I meant like creek, not like an actual running water.
Look at he's got nunchucks. Alright, you motherfucker's. None of
(30:14):
you deserved this award, none of you. You understand, you
cut up off, scary, Look you got it. You guys
pulling your weight right here. Okay, I'm pulling. Never be
as white Jesus Christ I'm fun and dart and bringing
stuff in here. That's what this is center block in
for you. How many answer on that center block? There
are a lot. I found Snowball. She was just in
(30:42):
the den the entire time. I don't know how she
transferred her chip to somebody, but she did. Okay, Well,
all that matters is that you're safe. By the way,
your dad is out there with illegal nunchucks. He's looking
for you. But we're home and we're safe. So why
don't we just turn on the participation awards and hope
everything works out a fide with your dad. Okay, that
(31:04):
sounds like a plant. Were Snowball right here coming a
little girl? It's hey god, yeah. Um. I wanted to
say I thought, hold on't okay. I just wanted to say,
I'm sorry to interrupt. I wanted to say about what
you did for that girl that died. Yeah, the way
(31:26):
you brought him. Oh no, no, no, no, Okayama, I
knew that. I just thought that was really cool, that
girl that died in Ohio. And then she was what
did you bring me? I was just I didn't bring
you a gift. You just came in here and didn't
bring me I was just gonna say, I thought it
was really cool you that you were doing miracles again.
(31:48):
I thought that was really cool, and you just didn't
bring anything for me. Um, I have this. Oh my god,
God had a stroke. Yeah, how does that even work?
I don't Oh. I think he was taking some sort
of performance dress and he was all worked up and
the note started bleeding and like, I don't know what
(32:09):
to do. But he was like, am I God? No?
Because I was okay at being an angel, but I
wasn't even right like last year. I just got like
a participation. It weren't it. Now. I'm like, my god,
We'll try to try to bring somebody back to life. Oh,
I don't know to pick someone, my mom, I just
had a long time ago from the s. Give it
(32:31):
a shot. I don't know where to begin. Okay, you're
clearly not God. And that's our second scene, our final
scene suggestion for today. Hey guys, my name is George,
and I worked for a certain big box retailer who
may or may not have decided that an asterix would
(32:53):
be a fantastic symbol for their company. I can assure
you that if you have a good sense of humor,
then it's very difficult to work on the floor of
such a retailer. Listening to request from our customers can
spontaneously send you into fits of hysterical after if you
aren't trained to resist this. I am so trained, and
I'm happy to report that you guys have broken me
a few times while out there on the floor. I
love everything you do, well most of it right. So
(33:15):
my hopeful scene a sales associate, a department manager, a
customer with an impossible request that must be satisfied because
the customer is always right right, laughing until I'm pretty again.
George of North Carolina, I'm sorry. I just don't understand
why you can't accommodate my ask. So you don't have
a receipt and we have. I don't see the product
(33:38):
right here. I want this toaster to turn into a
little car that I can drive around. Okay, and that
can't be done. Then I guess maybe I don't want
to Please, please, please, please don't leave. Let me grab
my supervisor. What's going on? Hi, thank you for being here.
I saw there was some sort of commotion there. Commotion
over and just have my lunch in peace. I'm sorry,
(33:58):
and I don't know why I can't have my life
in peace. Excuse me, I'm a customer. Excuse my or
your customers. Yeah, that changes. Give me your lunch, Give
me your lunch, Dan, do it? I just all right,
I'll be right back. I'll bring you my lunch. Um. Now, look,
if he doesn't come back with the lunch that I
(34:19):
want your asses in trouble. I know what he has today,
So I want you tell me what is you want?
I want a steak pizza. He has Thai food. Okay,
well that's not what I want. Is coconut? Look at that?
Look at that? You know what. I'm gonna put my
hands in there and I'm not gonna need any of
that because I wanted a steak pizza. Now I want
this toaster pizza turn into a little car and for
(34:39):
me to get inside and drive around. That could happen
if you have your receipt. I don't. This is FedEx kinks. Yeah,
what what do you mean? We could do that, right,
aren't you. I'm sorry? You know the candy you sell.
The candy you're selling right here? I mean this is
just items here. Um, so where the toaster? This is it?
(35:01):
That's the toaster? Yeah, it's you and someone passed in it. Yes,
next question, it looks old, Yes, it's old. It's magical. Okay,
apparently there was a genie who died in there. That's
who passed, and all the magical wishes are inside. And
if you tie it right with the right piece of
toast and it pops up, you get one wish. I'm
sticking tired of explain people. So what do we have
(35:23):
to do to make you happy? You gotta make sure
that this toaster can turn into a little car for
me to drive around. And two, I can't be more clear,
And you're saying that if we can get a piece
of toast you're married, of course, give me the keys
here house. I want to go to your house and
live like you do for a little. I think that's
I think you have to have the boss here. Customers
always right. I know, Ny, this is a piece of
(35:49):
this is kids. Come here, you're my kid? No, no, no, no,
this is this is inappropriate. I wouldn't have been here. Listen,
if I had known you were coming home early, I
wouldn't never been here. I don't want to head calm
down and the customers always right. I want to her
(36:13):
to express yourselves. All right, guys, welcome on board. You're
almost team members here at the FedEx can Goes. You're
just gonna watch this quick training video, leave you alone
five minutes. If you have any questions, you just let
me know. Sound good, Yes, sounds good, Yes, sounds great?
Press playing now you want to be a FedEx can't
go member. We better shut the funk up and listen
up your people. It's just really quick Randy macho man savage. Yeah, yeah,
(36:35):
we got him. Um I do I do want to say,
maybe take notes? Take notes on this? Come, I might
ask you a couple There are a lot of profanity
in this training video. That's not for me to say.
I'll press play and oh yeah, because real quick, I
think now that I recall, I think, so press play.
Let's have a fucking piece of chest dick holes. All right?
You want to make those copies and want to make
(36:55):
them good, well, then you better shut the funk up
and listen to this. Goddamn customers a fuck up listen
to Now. What are you gonna do when they're asking
you to have a lamination? Huh? You can tell us
showing up their ask to go to funktown but you
can also come on a pleasant right here. Okay, where's
town having a lamination? What is having a lamination? Laminating
(37:16):
a document? Yes? Okay, but what are we going to
tell the customer if they asked about I think that
the first thing was farcical that he was suggesting. I
think he was about to tell us that we should
probably laminate the document. Well, actually what he actually said
us shove it up their ass, right, But he said
you could say that, but it was the way the
tone made it seem like the next but he should say,
but we didn't get there because you have manager written
all over you. Oh I've been a manager at a
(37:38):
lot of places. That makes sense, sir. I think I'm
having a lamination. What does that mean? I don't know. Okay, well,
we're almost done with this video. Okay, Randy, We're going
to do another shot. But come on and stick to
the script this time. Far off of it. It's not
I'm an artist and I gotta read it my way,
all right, Yes, but you're not even yeah, god, you're
(38:00):
not even really get a toll. I mean you literally
is supposed to say. You know, if the toner runs low,
be sure to replace it. With a one sixty print drink.
The toner is running low and kick that ship in
the dick balls and ram its ass out of his
face and then fun that ship until it all that
stuff gets back in. Uh, that's not it at all ready,
just a new a slim jim. Please stop telling everyone
(38:23):
to go to fun town. Alright, fun down population me
and you bah bah, all right, listen, I got some
good news. Oh please please broke good news. It's I know,
so where to get the guy out of your house? Okay,
because I found somebody who says he can turn this
toaster into a tiny carpet and dry. My wife is
I think, right? I think my wife? What's the guy?
(38:43):
I'm sure she does that? Guys like fucking cool? You
know what I mean? Um, he commands a room. Now
this is factor, you know what I mean? Like, how
do you do that? All right? Now? This is the
guy here. He had a sign outside saying, um, the
is near. So I just approached him and he says
he knows what's up with how to turn toasters in
(39:04):
the cars. Okay, well that sounds like weird credentials. But
do you want to turn your toaster into a car Okay,
you sound kind of know that there's a genie stuck
in this toaster. That's what I've been told. Well, if
you do get the wish, because you make sure that
you don't use that wish because it's maybe I can
(39:24):
take this toaster off your hands. I need the toaster
for this customer. Oh, you need the toaster for the customer. Well, wait,
are you going to fix the toaster for us and
turn it into a little tiny car or not? Hell, yeah,
I'm gonna turn it. You're going to be a manager
one day. Don't say that. You know I'm saying that
one day you'll be a manager. Here's the toaster. Okay,
(39:49):
that's a for slaughter. Yeah, I was surprised by it too. Okay,
it's a smart toaster, so that's good. Should I plug
it in or is it find Let's plug it in.
Let's plug it in. Okay, Well, we're gonna have to
kind of sneak through my house because that guy is
in there. Daddy, daddy, excuse me, daddy, I'm not getting
(40:09):
off your father's lap. Don't even make us some more more.
TEMI cuts. Here's here. Now you keep it. You deserve it. Oh,
I'll take it for both of you. I don't. Oh, well,
here's this, and here's this. What that leads you here
in the kitchen and here's the kitchen for FedEx. Kinko's
(40:32):
how long? Yeah, well I guess probably about ten years?
Can we take I worked there back in the day. Really,
I work with Kinko himself. No, Mr Kinko. Yeah, we
just called him Kinko. You didn't call him Mr Kinko.
I make my staff call me Mr. Well that might
be part of your problem. Really, Well, it's plugged in,
so well it's rebooting. Let's give it some time to reboot,
(40:56):
all right, Daddy, Daddy, dad me, Oh, why are you
doing here? I just was where the hell is my toaster?
I just heard daddy a few times, so I came
in here. We don't consider part of his family anymore.
Turned okay, Well we're working on. Is it true that
if the toaster turns into a car, a tinny car,
(41:18):
you're going to leave us? Momly? Is that true? Let
him speak? When a man he's leaving, he's leaving. Yeah,
I'm you're taking anybody with your baby in that tiny car.
I don't know if it'll fit, if any it'll fit.
(41:39):
I was like, what one of us I used to
produce training videos for FedEx kin goes they make our trash.
Oh that one with Randy Machoman. Savage addressed his kool
aid man. Yeah, it's weird. It doesn't make sense. It's
very weird. Yeah. I feel like he's not even following
the script that used to be consistent in all. I
was hoping that just ring the toaster off and turning
(42:01):
it on again would wear that your plan already, it's
not turning it into Adam. My family's in there. I
want my family. Alright, new hires, listen up. First of all,
congratulations on getting through training. Yes, thank you. Now this
is a bit unorthodox, but we're going to ask you
to go above and beyond during your first day. Best
(42:23):
quality is also my worst quality is also my best quality.
That's what we like about you. All right. So here's
the task at hand. Do any of you know how
to turn a toaster into a tiny car because this
is a riddle. Uh no, this is an actual, actual
thing we need to do. I mean I might. My
(42:46):
dad was a genie. Say no more, want to say more?
Will you guys talk about I'm leaving. Yeah, see, my
mom rubbed a lamp a long time ago, and her
third wish was to fuck the genie. That's what. So, yeah,
my dad, I think I inherited half of what you
talk about your mother so callously. It doesn't seem like
(43:08):
you have a good relationship respect her. I love my mom,
I really do. I was phoned in. Yeah, all right,
well she left. Okay to raise myself on just Ton
Heer and Grola bars. Do you have Genie skills? Yes?
But okay, okay, you are ruining my life. Hey, just
(43:28):
you know what His plan was, turned off the toast
and turn it back on. We try that already, I know. Okay.
Good news though, Okay, one of the new hires thinks
he can do it. He says he's part of Genie.
He's what. That's right, Get out of the deck. You
know what. I'm gonna be back here and I'm going
to be the man at this house again. And don't
wait right, wait, wait a minute, nobody's cleaned the crumb tray. Jesus,
(43:52):
all right, I'm gonna clean the crumb tray. Go alright,
which one of you super super employees A s okay, cool,
that's not he says that to everything. This guy right here, Hi,
half Genie, but yeah, half Cheney. Do you think you're
(44:14):
going to have to do this job? Are you gonna
do this job? Don't be so rude. I'm sorry, I'm
desperate here. Okay, there's a man with my wife and
my child. Basically, I don't think it's brand to talk
about that kind of stuff at work. What Yeah, you
don't want to watch the macho man ready savage sexual
harassment video. It's terrible, it's scary. I'm happy to go
down there and do what I can. I brought the
(44:36):
toaster to you. Did it's right here? Turn it into
a tiny car. Please, I will give you. I will
give you a straight trus in. Um, I need some
pumpernickel bread nic bread. Yeah, it's a toaster. Did you
not even get that part of it? Well, no, I
know it's a toaster. On that dun dumb. I have
some in my lunch and you get a little tune
on it. But I can scrape it makes a good
(45:00):
Mayo because I have a problem with So it's just
straight up to one set. Scrape scrape, scrape, scrape scrape.
So who was the who who was it? Your mother
and father? Who was the genie? I ran out my dad.
Your dad was yeah, okay, I haven't seen him since then,
So let me put the breadit. Have you done this before?
(45:22):
Oh my god, I am the genie of the toaster? Son? Hi, Dad, Son,
I kill it. I need this genie, Dad, I got it.
I never thought i'd see you again. I guess my
wish came true. Oh my god, that's so sad. That
(45:47):
kid was totally separate. Sorry, Dad, Look, I want to
spend time with you. I never want to let you
go again. But part of this is you have to
turn your home and do a tiny little car that
total pricking right around in Please phrase it in the
form of a wish. Do it? Do it? I wish,
(46:09):
just do it that your toaster became a tiny little
car that this asshole customer can drive, and we go
outside and throw the ball around. Then it is so, hey,
(46:29):
let me in. You change the locks. What do you want?
I got the tiny carl? Hello, Please don't this toaster
is not a tiny little car like to count the
toasters on the highway. There he goes, Mom, there you go.
(46:58):
I hate do you like you've been here. What do
you mean you need to go get cigarettes? Dad? Well,
I wish that I could smoke. Well, I could just
wish for them for you, and then you'd have cigarettes.
Oh no, you don't. You won't get the good ones. Okay,
(47:22):
I just you know. Look, you knew Dad was a
genie when you brought me back from the toaster. I know,
but you know I love you and I want to
be around your dad. How's your mom doing? By the way,
she left? What was her name again? Oh my god,
there's been so many It's been so everyone everyone's third
(47:43):
wishes to funk the genie. Yeah, well I wish for
your dick to fall off. Whoa, Okay, that's a new one.
So now you won't do this to anybody else's mom. Dad,
you're a terrible per a terrible genie. Okay, but as
you always know that, there's a catch whenever you make
(48:05):
a wish. Now you've got a genie dick. Oh my,
good luck with that. With great power comes great responsibility. Wow,
this is a nice place. Thank you? Who is that? Mr?
Elton John? Oh? Wow? Yeah, Um, let's get down to it.
(48:29):
I want to make it with you. Then I want
to see your dick. All right, that's enough kissing. Okay,
all right, it's it's a little different than what you're
used to. Hey, I've seen a lot of dicks. All right,
Well here we go, Oh ship, what is this? All
(48:52):
the artists following off your halls in this apartment? So
this is thing? Go inside of me. I'm tiring. That's
our show, magical, exactly where we thought I would go.
Let's thank your alchemists. See what's going on. Chris Alvarado
(49:13):
Chris Alvarado on Instagram. I just got the hot hot
stories coming at you, Van Hi regular stories ram NYC
typewriter set type writer dot com. If you're in l
a com, gonna eat the popcorn and see your shore
why you're in it? Yeah. Greig Kikowski Kikowski on Twitter
(49:33):
see Kikowski on Instagram. And I'd like to thank our
sponsor band Aid, Piggy whatever is uh James E n
thanks for tuning in and uh, you know, I guess
go to the real James C dot com. You can
find some James C ny content. Sweet Joey grab at
jeby Grieber on Instagram and the Twitter check out at alchemy.
(49:55):
This is Instagram. We got there's questions and stuff that
people are answering. Fun. Check out good Night Download. It's
an album on Spotify, and uh, that's all I have. Sweet.
I'm at Cole Stratton at Stratton Cold, depending on the
social thing. Come see Pretty Pretty Pony the first Thursday
of the month the ten p m os a comedy theater,
and come see Alchemy This live at s S Sketch
(50:16):
Fest in San Francisco on Saturday January one pm at
the punch Line. Go to s sketch Fest dot com
for tickets to that and come say hello. That's it
for today. Let's thank our engineer and producer Doug Babe,
our post sound design artist Raphael Brito, and lastly, I
heart media. Oh no. We encourage all of you to
(50:38):
write a review, tell everyone you've ever met and write
to us at your name here at alchemy This dot com.
That's your name until next time. And a football and
(51:17):
a football
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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