Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemist, and your guests
both threatened in for KP for quite a while. I'm
sorry to let's meet everybody, Shelly. First up is James. James,
you played D D you a little bit. Do you
have a favorite character you've created? I haven't played enough
(00:22):
to have a favorite character that I've created. Um God,
I feel embarrassed to say that I've only played D
and D maybe five times my whole life. But I
read D and D books, I learned the rules. But
nobody will play with me. Joey, It's true. I've probably
every time I've played D and D has either been
with Joey or with you, Cole, which I think was
(00:44):
only once. Probably right, I feel like you didn't pandemic times.
You could probably play a lot of like things online. Yeah.
I bought Ultimate licenses to have people join me, and
nobody wants to play D and D with me. Well,
I want to play a game, It's it's not D
and D. I'm actually kind of against D and D.
(01:05):
I mean to call Kulu, I mean to Fate, I
meant Savage Worlds, But D n D is so basic.
You've never played it. You've never you know, talking about man.
This is how the podcast is gonna get it the
most type mail. All right, well he he went to
I mean number one, here's who's next, Chris Alvarado. Chris,
(01:27):
you could be fluent in another language that you already aren't.
What would it be? My dad speak Spanish is his
first language. All my cousins and all my uncles, everybody
from Honduras, that's my family. And I can't speak it.
And I've tried. I'm taking classes. I went to Peru,
I did immersion stuff. I just don't think, you know what.
I have a theory. Everybody. You know how I can't
do accents very well. I think it's the same part
(01:50):
of your brain that might know languages. I mean this
because I'm a pretty good actor. Actually, I'm a really
good actor, and I'm a funny coming in and I
do great improv and yet I know what an accent
sounds like, and I can't do it. I also can't
sing very well, and I can't speak Spanish. So yeah,
I mean, gosh, thanks. It's kind of like one of
(02:12):
those things that like you kind of wish when you
were a kid, that your parents introduced to you, Like
I can't play any instruments, but I kind of wish
I had learned when I was little, because you could
pick it up a lot easier when you're older. Actually
that's not true. That's not true, and I will fuck you. Joe.
Are you saying that you could learn a new instrument
as an adult? Quicker? Yes, no quicker? Maybe the baby. Yeah,
(02:39):
I know a lot of babies that shred on the
guitar guys. All right, well I'm not introducing you yet, Joey.
So a two little things. Uh, if you could go
on a joyride to space like that idiot bezos did?
What two slebs or millionaires would you take with you? Oh?
That's good, two sleps or millionaires? So everybody here is
(03:00):
out because you're not millinars millionaires. Um well that's good.
That's good, old man, that's tough. Um. So somebody who
I would want to chat with, Somebody I can talk to,
not somebody I'm star stuck by, because that would be
because I would go to athlete right away. But then
I don't have to. Uh maybe Lebron James. I don't know.
(03:23):
I watch that HBO show called The Shop, and I
kind of want to be there too, Um, no reason
to be there, But maybe it'll be interesting to have
a conversation with him and somebody from the past. I
don't know, maybe like an like a painter or like
an artist, you know, like create a salon, create a
salon on the spaceship, a good conversation, and when we
(03:44):
come back. The space travel is actually the smaller part
of what I've learned. I would love to have, like
Van go freaking the funk out of Uh, Craig Koski, everybody, Craig.
Is there a movie that you felt totally bait and
(04:05):
switched by from the trailer then when you actually saw
the film? M hmmm, because now trailers just tell you
the entire sequential story of the movie, so like it's uh,
it's not a thing anymore. And I kind of avoid
trailers now for that reason, Like if something has the
(04:25):
pedigree where I want to see it, like I'm gonna
see I don't need to see the trailer. Uh, And
I'm I'm not going in person to Uh. I'm stalling
for time, is what I'm doing. I feel like the
trailer for that question, UM gave me a false impression
(04:46):
of where we were headed with it, which is why
I've answered incorrectly. I feel like it started. It started
with Twister when there was that like tire that hits
the windshield or the tower or whatever that wasn't in
the movie. Um. I think I felt personally dating switched
by Pan's Labyrinth Orridge late because the trailer was like,
look at this wonderful fantasy world, and I was like, oh,
it's like adult Labyrinth, and that's like twenty minutes of
(05:06):
the movie and the rest of stark and depressing start
depressing civil war movie. So yeah, the god yeah, pretty
faked up. All right, I guess we can introduce him now.
Joey Greer is here. Guys, Joey, I hear that Campbell's
has asked you to come up with a super special
new kind of soup. Tell us about it. Wait, it's Campbell's. Yeah,
(05:28):
that's who hired you. That's what I heard. Oh my god,
I thought it was cannibals. Oh my god, Holy sh it.
Do not eat any of the soups I've said, any
of you. Please, for the love of God, do not
ingest any of those soups. Crag Chu, chunky meat. I'm
not supposed to. That was delicious. Stop eating. It's none
(05:54):
of us would ever eat anything you gave us, So
I think it's okay. I know, let's do a damn
show alley. All of our scenes suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails,
or from our Patreon v I p s to become
a Patreon supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content
and other perks, just head on over to Patreon dot
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(06:14):
suggestion via email, please write to the podcast at our
new email address, Alchemy this email at gmail dot com.
That's Alchemy dot com. Scene one is from Patreon alchemaniac
Nicholas Makauer, who wrote, Hello, keV rev Heifer, how are
you just thinking of the A T crew makes me grateful?
(06:36):
The world kneels in praise. I'm, of course talking about
the inventors of the at sign, who we all owe
so much to. Anyhow, here's my suggestion. Tired of being
over or underwhelming, learned to whelm like a pro in
just ten days ten bucks. Say you won't choose that one, Nicholas,
We just made ten bucks. Guys. Hell, okay, just sign
(06:58):
up here all right to be getting your lanyard and
a nice toe bag with some goodies in there, and
they'll have your room information inside. Oh wow, what's what's
in the toe? We got some granola bars? We do
have some some some room temp water water? Did I
just get a quick diagnosis? Am I right now? Am
(07:20):
I overwhelming? Or underwhelming? That that you are overwhelming in this?
I thought so? I thought so, I'm too much. Seminars
gonna fix that. It fix it for me too. I'm believing.
I'll take you over here. What's your name, please, Richard?
(07:43):
Last name Richard, Richard, Richard, Richard? Here you are great?
Here's your lanyard? Holy sh it? Is that dick? Dick? Hey, buddy,
what are you doing here? Huh? I just you know,
(08:03):
I'm just trying to get my well my wellm up?
Oh yeah, trying to bring mine down. Is there an
open bar? What's what's the dealer under? I don't I
don't know. There's a toe back? Sir? What's your my name? Righty?
My name is Wayne Parmesan, William Parmer, Jean. Here your wire,
here's your lanyard. To now, gentlemen, there will be an
(08:27):
introduction in cocktail hour at four thirty in the lobby
and then we're gonna jump right into our first lecture. Um.
He will be here, obviously, and we look forward to
your to your wellness. Thank you. I appreciate I appreciate
everything you've done for me right now, Richard, Richard, I
(08:47):
used to be just like you. No, I couldn't stay.
It just was too it was too much going on.
I came home early. I think it's not for me.
I think this is just the amount of well I have. Honey,
You're the only way you're gonna get better is if
you make a commitment. You made a commitment. I don't know.
(09:09):
I got up to the line and then there was
another person and I was embarrassed, and I just had
to leave. I can't do it. You know what, Why
don't you take my ticket? I don't know if these
are transferable. Oh sure, sure they are. And you're in
a good starting spot. You could either get more whelming
or less whelming. I I can't. I can't. You wanted
(09:31):
to do this, this is your person. I wanted you
said it right. I wanted to past tense. I can't.
I'm not leaving the house. I'm gonna go into the
bedroom and I'm gonna stay there. Don't cry. Don't cry.
I'm going upstairs. Hello, Hey, you doing Are you the homeowner?
(09:57):
We're not interested whatever it is, buddy, I'm not selling anything.
I'm gonna let you know you got termites in there. Man.
These are termites with human thumbs. All right, these are
dangerous animals, my old guy. All right, you gonna okay, sir.
I see you're having your tea and I know you're
in the middle of a meditation. I just want to
go over todays schedule with you now. Um. We sold
(10:19):
a record number tickets, so congratulations to you, sir. UM.
They are currently in the cocktail hour light cocktail hour,
and then UM, I wanted to go over lecture number one, Sir.
I don't want to contradict you or what you have
set up here, but are you sure that that we
should start this weekend with um? I am me you
(10:43):
are not. Is that? Is that the way you wanted
to start this weekend? Sir understood? We will keep it
there and we will delutely Dylan Dylan, he's still in
the middle of his meditation. I think it's best if
we just comes out of his media. It's just that
the hotel staff needs to know when to bring the
hot food. Maybe the hotel staff has been a little
overwhelmed you d Do you think that could be the case, Yes, Martha,
(11:06):
I definitely do. Actually, why don't you take time in
the reactor. He's just sitting on stage. He hasn't said
anything in twenty six minutes. What the funk up with this?
Granola tastes like ship? Glad somebody said something because this
is not a good granola bar. Alright, alright, this is
how you doing? Wayne Parmesan? What's your name? All right?
(11:29):
Charlie Macava, Charlie maccume. How are you doing? Man? He
looks great? You look great? Is overwhelming? Right over what
he's opening his eyes, he's opening his eyes. What room
are you in? I'm in forty two b Holy god,
you got you got a nice Yeah, I'm in the
(11:51):
I'm in the sea wing. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, good things. Yeah. Okay,
and I'm glad to see everyone's here for professional Well mate,
now it's the first day, and let's be honest. I
am me and you are not, Dylan. We got all
(12:17):
the hot food ready, can we just enter with the
hot food? Killing? Tell me something? We have hot food.
Everyone is holding looking and I'm looking at Okay, I think,
and he said we are not go go go go
go team one go flank left, team one go flank left. Uh, Martha,
I hate it. You're not wearing any clothes. Yeah, because
your barge ins in my room. I'm sorry. I thought
(12:38):
we were enter without knocking and then it just came
in here. So how somehow I'm I'm at fault. No,
I'm not. I'm comfortable with my body. There's no shame
in this. I'm not looking. I'm just looking down at
the schedule. I've covered myself up. You are not went
very well. We actually have to um two super sign
ups from that. I know you wanted to get more
than that, but we do have two supers and they
(12:58):
are in for each Dylan. I also looked at your
whelm chart and it seems that you are becoming overwhelmed
the times and underwhelmed as well. And then I was
looking at your reactor time and you're not logging your hours.
I meant to well, I'm meant to do more reacting.
It's just at the staff. Well, there's a person who
runs the hotel and they're really you know, they're catering
(13:21):
company in house and they have chairs. The catering company
runs the hotel. Martha. I got two super sign ups,
and I think with this evening's lecture, we're certainly we
have a quota of sixties super sign ups. We should
have hit half already. I know. I think it was
(13:42):
the food that came in boiling hut. Well, well, well, well,
everyone calmed down. I'm glad you've enjoyed your food. That
too much emotions right now, we're just setting up baseline
(14:03):
and I want you all to pair up. Buddy up.
I'm sorry we are not putting two whelms together that
are over. I need it over and an underwhelmed everybody.
It should because with this loser is there Richard Richard here?
But you Richard, We're gonna needs to go with Mr
(14:23):
Parmesan Please, God, no anything I already know him? Is
that a problem? What is your name? Agains there? Okay,
why don't we do Michabo with Richard Richard? And well
my I'm actually on my husband's ticket, so you probably
have the names confused. Oh okay, um, can you just
(14:44):
hold onto my wrist for one second, look into my eyes?
You aren't under okay? Great? Great, you can you're with
Mr Parson and now which one is Mr Parmesan? It's me?
Oh okay, wow those are blue eyes. Yeah, the context.
So tell me this, if you had to fight a
(15:04):
hundred ducks or six hundred guys with swords, who would
you fight? Ducks? Ducks? Ducks? Yeah, I don't know. I
might do the swords. I don't know. You're a wild
So you're underwhelming. Great, I'm glad you. You're coming in
as pairs. Um, how is the exercise for you? Richard?
(15:27):
Richard and I forget your name, I'll take that, Charlie
mccab I get it right. You're you're pairing up somebody
who's a little over the top with somebody who's like
a real nobody, right, just a real wet blanket and
whole hoping a little bit of his lame loser energy
(15:49):
is gonna rub off on me and make me a
little less right, get the whelming balance? And I feel
absolutely like I walked into this conference feeling overwhelming, and
now I feel my welm is in perfect balance. So anyway,
hold on, hold on, hold on, Mr No, I wouldn't
say it's I wouldn't say it's perfect. See if you
(16:10):
want to find perfection. This is a super sign up
which gets you a one on one time with him. Now,
that's only if you want to go to the next
level of who you are. Richard. Richard was on stage,
all right, I think they're calling you. I just ditched
(16:32):
my fucking wet blanket. I had to see you're doing that.
Is anyone else going to come in right now? My
guy left? Maybe I can hide in here. Oh, I'm sorry. No,
I'm sorry. You know this is I'm probably I'm I'm
(16:52):
on my husband's ticket. I don't even know what I'm doing. Yeah,
I was. I'm not married, but I was. I just
I need to get confidence. Like I came here and
my fucking childhood bully, Wayne Parmesan is here, and I'm
just every time I look, kid, just fucking see fists.
(17:12):
You know that was my partner. He's just left. Oh
he's the worst time. I'm so sorry. If um he
made it hard for you, because he's certainly made my
life living hell, it's not your fault, I'm sure, Old
butter Ball. Oh hi, um, Martha, you'll be happy to
know we got thirteen super sign ups this evening. So
(17:34):
withirteen four that's fifteen super synups. Okay, so three days then,
and we only have thirteen? Well not if you say only,
but we have one more day, Dylan and I need
sixties super sign ups. By the way, Martha in my office, Um,
what role are you playing? Because I feel like Dylan's
(17:55):
doing all the work right, But did you want me
to come in your office? Or were you describing in
your office? Uh? No, I'm subscribing in my office. I'm curious.
I have this thought, that is, what do you effing do?
All right? Understand? Hi, sorry to interrupt. We have forty
(18:16):
two third degree burns from the food. Yeah, we're gonna
handle it. Okay, we're gonna handle it like people's skin
is falling off from the food. Handle it. Okay, it's
really hot. Okay, what I do? I managed? Um? Hey, Wayne,
Um is I just want to get by. Just let me.
(18:38):
Man Lott of the cocktail our guys slam on white wine,
holy ship. Man has split open. Man. You've seen Charlie. Man.
He was saying some crazy Charlie is Okay, I just
need to I just want to go. So if you
just let me, it's gonna say, I'm sorry. Man, fucking move.
Just fucking move, Wayne for one time and your fucking
life move. Let me through. This is Dick's Dick's day,
(19:01):
all right, Let me through, the stupid son of a
cheese bitch, all right. You know what, take my fucking fist,
take a fist. Excuse me, there's a butter ball. I
got a whoo away from her. Weak as husband, Sir,
I don't mean to interrupt you during your meditation. Um,
(19:24):
I just want to let you know that all things
are go for the final night. We got the smoke machines,
we got the food. The food temperature is under control.
What we think. Um, I'm a matter of fact, I
have a meeting with the catering um concierge just the moment,
to just make sure everything goes off. About a hitch,
(19:46):
I mean the person who runs the hotel, Dylan. He's meditating,
So why don't we just wait until he wakes up
from his meditation. You can't touch me, Martha, You can't
tell I didn't. I hovered over your shoulder. I hovered
over like you were touching me. But I didn't. I
didn't didn't. Okay, and you know what, do you know
maybe your reactor time we should we should triple we
should triple yours don't have that time. I don't have
(20:06):
that time, Martha. Well, Dylan, I don't know what to
tell you. Then. Okay, looks like we're gonna have to
take away those lashes you got, okay, to yourself. Lashes,
they're gonna taken away iron those iron those well they
can be taking away. All right, he's me. You're fired,
and you're fired. I'm taken over this bitch. That's right.
This is my conference. Now you better believe it. I'm
gonna whelm you guys to fucking death. No, no, no, no, no,
(20:32):
please just listen to us. Okay, he's meditating. When he
wakes up, all the secrets to the units will be revealed.
All right, Yeah, you know what. I'm the meditator. Now
look at me, Look at me. I'm the meditator. Now, man,
that's our first see everything. I like this world see too.
(20:55):
Is from listener Daniels, who wrote Hi kpcs or see
a suggestion drinking problem as in circumstances preventing someone from
drinking anything perspects you. Daniel is from Latvia. Trevor, put
that put that orange juice down? What do you do
(21:16):
about it, Trevor. No, no, oh, you want to use
my lips? You just lost far talk like this. I
can talk like I don't have to look. You just
lost your phone. Give a ship. Why I can't use
my lips? Why the hell would I use my phone? Oh?
I can text. I have a computer, dumbass. You just
(21:37):
lost your computer. Oh shut up. I can go to
I can go to a bank and use your computer. Okay,
if you want to do that every time. Yeah, let's
just see. Alright, let's let's see it. Don't let's see.
You don't talk to your parents that way? Right? Put
(21:58):
that orang juice down? What are you gonna do about it?
All right? You just lost your bed. I lost my
bed standing up like a horse. Just lost your shoes?
That fine. I don't need shoes to sleep. I don't
never sleep with shoes on. Well you're gonna be. If
you're gonna be standing and sleeping, we can play all day, Trevor.
(22:19):
I'll put a little towel down so I don't have
to do you wear shoes. You just lost the towels.
Oh great, So I'm gonna drive. I wanna take a shower.
I guess you're not taking showers. Oh, I guess I'm
just going to lakes in and just sundry. Hey, you're
gonna get arrested, but yeah, that's fine. No one, no
one out buy all the lander on Lake Pocashi. Will
(22:40):
be the only ones day we'll use it, and then
no one's gonna arrest me. All right, go for it.
Excuse me, sir, Child Protective Services. We got a call
that you've taken every single thing from your son. Yeah,
he's he is a he is a troublemaker. Yeah, he's
a troublemaker. Yeah yeah, yeah, you should never mind us
stop by, you know, just here's my card. If he
(23:02):
makes any more troubled, let me know. Oh that's interesting, alright, yeah,
no problem, of course. Okay. I see everyone's hands up
except Trevor. Trevor, do you not know the answer to
the question did you not read the book last night? Yeah?
I did? Okay, so please raise your hand if you
(23:23):
know the answer. If everyone, then everyone knows. Who cares? Trevor?
What was the moral? It's a it's a tooth in
the back of your mouth, not not the Moeller bone head,
Thank you, thank you, and don't use that language. Please.
I mean a bone head. I know you'll tell me.
(23:46):
Now we were talking about morals. Morals, I'm gonna do
a little demonstration here and passed that little Dixie cups
to everybody. Okay, Now we come around for some grape
soda and to each of these cops. Okay, not yet,
not yet, not yet, okay, everybody. So remember Tom Sawyer
(24:06):
had his issues. We want to remember that as we're
taking a sip from our soda. What is this about?
Trevor doesn't know how to drink? Shut up? Wait? What
is Trevor? Please drink? I'll do it later. Oh my god,
Trevor doesn't order to drink. Stop stop pouring it on junk.
(24:29):
This is why you're so angry he comes out there. Anyway,
go see the principal. No, I'm gonna go to my lake. Now,
the rest of your class, um hi um, Mr purdur Hi,
(24:51):
I'm I'm I'm Claire Donner. I'm Tony's mother. He's in
your classes, in your literature for Literature sake class. Uh yeah,
and I just wanted to talk to about so curriculum. No, No,
(25:16):
we're not teaching English this year. No English Literature for
Literature's sake, here's your class over you. This is gonna
be your syllabus, and you hit all these points, all right.
The main one is that Tom Sawyer had his issues.
All right, that's the main thing you want to hammer home.
Once they get that, you refill whatever soda that you
happen to have in the year, then maybe we can
(25:37):
move on to Great Catsby or just focus on Becky
Thatcher and Huck Finn if you want to just stay
on the summer road. And so, what was the what
was your issue? I was sorry, Well, my issue was that, um,
I really were really looking for him to get into
Ivy League schools like it's father and I and we
were just, um, we're concerned about that. He was just
getting able art education here and get he's not the classics.
(26:01):
I understand your concern. No, he's a very gifted student,
and I see no nothing stopping him from going into
whatever school he wants to go to. Did you know
that that young man Trevor has a problem drinking? I
do you know Trevor? I don't know. He's a kid
who acts out a lot. But I just think I
realized in this last class that is he's acting out
(26:23):
because he's scared. I'm really concerned about my son. Grape soda,
I'm sure. So all he wanted to talk about was Trevor.
I don't understand. Yes, yes, Tony, honey, please that language.
He's terrible. He's a terrible teacher. Oh my god, we
(26:45):
have to we have to move here. We have to
get to another school. Honey, this rip up my prince
in an application because I'm not getting in now, Tony,
you're getting in, your legacy, You're getting in. Okay, now
this isn't honey. Can you just say something to Tony? Please? Please?
I feel like I'm I'm a single parent here. Can
go to Rochester College where I went? No, he cannot.
(27:05):
You cannot. You and dad ended up together again. It's
a funny story. I'm at this conference right wrong hotel.
I'm part of a catering company that owns a bunch
of hotels and your mother, honey, he came in and
(27:25):
he burned me on with some state lasagna. I was
also there, and um, and that's not an everyday thing.
So just think how good this catering restaurant. I don't
understand any aspect of this story. Classic Peter is spending
(27:45):
his time dealing with one student. There's thirty of us
in the class. Hey, young man, what you doing out here?
Doth just hanging out on my lake? Oh? This is
your lake? Yeah? You have problem with that? No problems? Thirsty?
I'm so thirsty. How old are you? Fourteen hundred years old?
(28:12):
What I'm fourteen hundred years old? Well? Look, I got
a little bit of water, I got a lot of
bit of whiskey. Which one would you like? Um? Uh um,
(28:34):
you hold that. I gotta fish. I gotta fish coming in.
I guess I'll try that. Mr Peter. Trevor's not even
here today. Why are you? Why are you directing the
lesson toward him? Everybody knows he's living in the woods
with that creepy what's the moral of Trevor's story? Is
my question to all of you? You drink? That's right?
(29:00):
Mr Prad. I'm sorry. There's a lot of complaints rolling in,
and you know I'm on your site here. We're both
Rochester College alums, so that's why I wanted you to
work here. But you're gonna have to change the lesson
plan up now and not cater to just Trevor who
hasn't been in class for the last three and a
half weeks. Isn't that concerning? By the way, isn't that
a little concerning? I think the most concerning thing is
(29:22):
that there's a fourteen year old boy who's been able
to survive without any water or liquid his entire life,
and yet no one's reaching out to him. You're trying
to reach him through literature for literature sake, and it's
not working. Purder, So, what we're gonna do is, I'm
gonna have a sub just show like the Birds by
Hitchcock for this week, and you're gonna take, uh this here,
this lesson plan. You're gonna go down to that lake
(29:43):
and you're gonna try to reach that boy directly and
don't come back until you figured out how to get
him to stop causing trouble and very hard. If he's
there with a crazy old guy, well you're just you're
a teacher, man. Teachers they're underappreciated, but they can teach
in the worst circumstances. Have you seen dangerous minds? She
puts a chair backwards and she gets through to those kids.
You only have to get through to one kid, one
(30:05):
kid by a lake. All right, Okay, alright, guy, everybody,
I'm your substitute. I'm also Tony's dad. Hey, Tony Dad, alright, Tony,
all right, don't call me dad in the classroom. Okay. Um,
So first of all, we are going to watch a movie.
(30:25):
Now the principle Mr Pearder teaches class. Well Mr Peardor
is not here? All right? Crazy in prison? I don't know, man.
They don't tell us when we get the call, and
they just give us the assignment. So here we go.
We're gonna They told me to say in birds that's
not a good movie. So we're gonna watch Jurassic Park. Mr.
(30:47):
Pearder usually sings, that's it. You can just drink from
your butt. Wow? Hey, what's going on over here? What
are you teaching me to drink from your butt? Boy?
Get away from him right now. Stay over there, Trevor,
(31:09):
are you okay? Son? So Dad, Dad, who's you brought
my shoes a towel? Who are you? I'm his teacher?
And that guy was teaching me to chug from his
butt too. I know, yeah, Steve, we went to college together.
(31:31):
What Dad, I really think that guy is a drinking problem. Son.
You won't know a drinking problem. Well, he's chugging through
his But I just think that's a problem. Son. You don't.
We're gonna help you, all right, all right, what's what's
your name? Mr? Teacher? That's fine, all right, it's Mr
(31:53):
Your teacher, and I are going to attack team you
to teach you how to drink water? And what about me?
I want to help the boy? All right, we'll do
it three ways. Alright, we'll do it three ways. Do
a bit of a montage here. You can just teach me.
I don't know. I don't need like I mean, we're
gonna be like a step by step introduction to this.
(32:17):
It's really difficult. It's not really all right. Why do
I start? Why? Why do I start? Remember Tom Sawyer? Uh?
Kind of okay? Anybody else, That's all I had, That's
all I wow, everybody, Look at Trevor. He's so bloated.
(32:43):
I don't think my body is supposed to be able
to retain water. Oh god, he's expanding. So anyway, that
was the most remarkable thing happened to me in high school.
I guess it isn't really to me. It was more
to uh Trevor and Mr Purder and then and Trevor's
(33:05):
dad and that creepy guy who lives at the lake.
But anyway, that's why I think you should let me
into the Princeton freshman class. M hmm. Interesting and interesting.
You have every single app looking to come to us
and tell us why they think they should be up
hard to the Princeton brushman class and your story, and
(33:28):
that's our sick insane. See three is from listener Thomas.
He wrote, how do y'all? I'll keep it short and sweet,
just like Joey thanksgiving a grandma's house which is in
a cursed forest. Thanks Thomas. Oh yes, okay, should just
(33:50):
be right up the road here. Now, Please everybody don't
say anything about the goddamn house, all right, White always
you have to be so negative because I grew up
in this, alright, I grew up in this. That's why
dad grew up in like a he's a monkey. What
(34:10):
it's funny, but it's not appropriate. He's not going to
get in the ivy league, you know that. Let's listen
to this guy. Look at listen to this. He could
be a monkey. Oh my god, in the trees, dad,
he grew up in these trees. Then grow up in
the trees. Okay, is it's the forest? Yes, I grew up. Look,
(34:32):
we're just gonna spend the day, maybe the day after Thanksgiving,
and then we'll go. Okay, all right, is that cool?
Can we do that? I don't want to spend a
lot of time here. How old is grandma? Grandma is
eight six? You okay? All right? You need to let
(34:54):
him speak his mind. You're always stifling him. Well, it's insane, insane.
There's not the jungle. There's on monkeys here. This is
not their natural habit. That does it mean sense? Jokes,
he's making jokes. He's looking funny. But the jokes. What
what's the connection? What? What the trees? Monkeys? He's not
gonna make it in the ivy League. I'm just telling
(35:16):
you gonna do just fine. There's Grandma. There's Grandma. She's
waving hello, Hello, Come, I'm coming to the house. All right,
look just please can we just have the dinner and
then leave the next day. Please. No one's saying anything,
(35:36):
just please, that's all I'm saying. Hello. There's my little monkey, mum.
Good to see you, the whole fan damn please here,
goodness great? Hi there, Oh look at this little fella
so big. Can we eat something sweet? Oh? Oh you can,
(36:00):
but there are dire con sequence, is Charlene? All right? Here,
look there's this little bowl here. There's ribbing candy in here,
and where there's originals and and chuckles and a biddow
honey and uh, just some granulated sugar package. Just you
take your pick. What's in this other bowl? Grandma charline?
(36:24):
This other bowl? Oh, I wouldn't look into the other ball.
Why just ask your husband, sheriff. I'm just gonna clock out.
But um, I did the rounds around the forest. Everything's good.
I don't know what they hell, you're worried about it?
(36:46):
Just Thanksgiving. It's not a spooky season or anything. So well,
you know they sometimes the monkeys get railed up around Thanksgiving?
What sometimes the monkeys get riled up around Thanksgiving? Well,
let's do close down so long ago. I mean, well,
you know it's it's good to prepare for for any contingency.
(37:06):
How I'll check those Oh again, I'm Danny. I don't
think anything to happen. It's been it's been vacant for decades.
The same. Did you go by the old Dakota place. Yeah,
it's a creepy. Okay, but she seemed finding well, well,
that's good, that's good. She's she's holding onto life. Yes,
she is, uh strange, she seems to get younger and
(37:27):
young green, and it's weird, didn't it. Yeah it is.
I feel like ten years ago she was the oldest
woman I've ever seen, and then uh, and then she
she's starting to look pretty good. Yeah, I mean I'm not. Yeah, yeah,
(37:48):
I am too. Of course, we're both we're both married men. Grandma.
There's so many spiders in the bathtub. Oh, dis ignore them. There,
that's there their place, okay, Well, oh well then you'll
have to take it with them. Um, there's Gus and
(38:10):
Corrizole and uh, bubbly boy, those are the spiders and
that's where they live. Okay. And did my dad take
pass with spiders? He did? And why is he so
mad about being here? And why does he feel like
he's denying who he is and where he came from.
(38:32):
You're an inquisitive little ladder, Well, your dad, they just
never quite understood what goes on around here. He didn't
surrender to it like the rest of the family did.
And if he had, he would probably be happier. In
his own skin. Now do you understand, Grandma, I'm gonna
surrender you are Mr Joper. I just finished the research
(38:56):
and the translations on the codex she sent me. It's
really interesting stuff. It's saying that in the forest, uh,
there is a centralized well I'm not sure, but the
direct translation is magic of the earth. Apparently it's some
kind of parallel dimension able to act. You will never
(39:18):
speak of this finding ever, What do you mean? This
has to be published? We have to put this on
some kind of pamphlet from your here would you're you're
burning up my paper? How will I print out another? Oh?
It's on your Oh, this fire is getting out of hand,
(39:40):
as far as get out of hand. Some mistakes, I'm sorry.
We have to rub each other out. Yeah, so we
had to just mark off the old neighbor. Looks like
this fire just jumped from one out to the neck
to the next to the next, just ripping through all
these anex buildings we were able to find. It looks
(40:01):
like a codex. Now, my Shamearrian ain't that sharp as
it used to be. But from what I was able
to translate into safer, it looks like right here that
there is some kind of chaotic well or something like that. Now,
traditionally people are gonna say earth magic, but that ain't it. Okay,
that's a really simple way of looking at it. This here,
right here, this is the demon foreigner. Yeah, this is
(40:23):
an evil son of a bit. So, uh, we gotta
really do something about that, Chief. But it looks like
it's an electrical fire as far as I can tell.
Maybe maybe I should stop by, stop by Geraldine Dakota's
place and just check up on her, you know. Sure, Well,
like you said, you know, translating from the Sumerian and all,
it does sound like it's uh and and I mean,
(40:46):
you know, I don't think I'm talking out of school
by saying that she is looking good. He's looking great.
We're marrying that, we're marrying. Man, I can appreciate the
beauty of a fellow human being. Oh, hello, Chief's good
to see you. Hi. They're Geraldine. I just wanted to
make sure that your Thanksgiving is going okay. So it's
(41:09):
going great. The whole family's here, great, great, Hello, your
uniform is awfully sharp. Well, I I shined my badge
this morning. I uh I I shined it once a
month but so you're you're getting in it. It's a
maximum shining nous. That's very shiny. Which should like to
come in for some sweet they're upstairs in the in
(41:30):
the cabinet. Would you like to come in for for
a bite? Well, I never say you no to a bite?
All right, Well come on through here you can. Well, first,
let's have a brandy in the entry room. Okay, does
that sound good? I'd love it. I'd love a brandy. Dad.
I'm soaking wet? What you tell? Here? You go? Dad?
(41:54):
I was I read. I was reading some of your
old journals from a kid, old journals. I don't have
old journals. Are you talking about Yeah? The one that
says into the forest, into the night, look into the eyes,
see no, fright? Are you talking about it? What we're what?
Did you bring these books into the bas club? No?
(42:15):
What as hell? Why don't she? This is? This is
old as hell. This, this doesn't feel like paper, feels
like the leather. Yeah. And this little hair sticking at
him too? I thought that was yours? No, No, this
is really strange. Did you did you read this? Yeah?
I read the whole thing out loud in the mirror.
(42:36):
This this is Samarian, have another sip of that brandy.
This is some strong brandy, Gerald Jane. So I know
it's really good. They still coming into the forest into
the night, look around and find some fright spiders Glee
and Spliders Club. The evil the centuries comes out of
my thombs. Okay, now that that your voice still, that's
(43:01):
doing that right, that's yeah, Okay. Oh god, I just
felt like I looked straight into the face of evil. Deep.
Oh god, these these vines have tied into the chair.
(43:22):
I'm sure he's fine, Mischief, I'm sure he's fine. I'll
I'll be looking around, but it's stacy, not out of respect.
Out of respect, of course, yes, miss Chief. But yeah,
so you know we'll be looking around for him. It's
just me, me and Chief. But this is three am.
He never stays out the late well, it's almost Thanksgiving,
(43:43):
you know how he gets around that time of the year.
Where's the last place he went? This place he went? Uh?
I think he was at the last place. The chief
point was probably at the old the old the Zoom mine.
That's where he was at. Yeah, wasn't anybody's house. No,
we're married, man, we're married man. Uh so uh yeah,
(44:07):
I'll check. All right, it's not a missing persons yet,
you know? So? Yeah, No, I wasn't and I wouldn't
even assume that. I don't even know why I said that.
Vines of green, Vines of right, take away the sheriff fight.
What are you eating me? Gerald? God? No, Grandma's back.
(44:34):
I'm starving. Thanksgiving? Then we get to eat, oh some
of us already. Yeah, it's time to eat very soon.
Oh oh you found you found the guide? Yeah, I
found Dad's journals. But he's like all weird about it. Now, Um,
you should probably did you read that A lad into
(44:57):
the mirror? What did I just do? What did I jest?
Jim do? What I just famb Mom? What the holy ship? Honey, honey,
(45:31):
I'm watching Shark Tank. Yeah, close the door. Okay, it
looks like some some monkeys from this you're just just
busted in here. Okay, I'm gonna call the cops. What
I'm not outside? I know, I'm telling you. The clothes
the goddamn door. Okay, some chimpanzees are in here. It's closed.
Well okay, God, great Jesus, Okay, what are you getting them?
(45:55):
Why does it come down here? Don't lock the door.
What are those doing here? Giving? Giving? Dan Deving camping boy?
We said the same time, jinks, No, why did you say? Yeah?
(46:21):
I think the chee saved me. Okay, I checked the zoo.
Nothing there, all right, just go to the house and
then then I'll call him like okay, alright, I checked,
al right, Okay, Hi, hither a little boy? Uh? Is
(46:50):
uh your mom or dad? Are you a fireman or policeman?
A little bit of both? A small town a small town?
We're both hats here, so you wanna come inside? Was
your mom or dad here? I don't know, you don't know,
I don't know. Have you seen anyone who's got a
(47:10):
little thing like this on their chest? Right here? A
little star? Oh? Yeah, grandma does? Oh? Oh can you
speak to your grandma? Yeah? Come on in, lerk lerk chief,
chief testes, Oh my god, chief, Oh, don't tell Mrs Chief.
(47:35):
Don't tell Mrs Chief. She's a oh god, she's a
demonic base no water, she's getting younger all the time.
She looks good. Yeah, we're married, man, are married. That's
our show, everybody. Let's see what everybody's up to. A
tool thing? Nah? Hey, thanks for having me always a
(47:58):
pleasure to uh to be here and have some fun
with you guys. Um you can follow me at a
tool time and all the socials and yeah, thanks again
nice Chris Alvarado, thanks for having me. I love playing
with you guys. I love making stuff up, I love
being monkeys. I just had great I thought James was
particularly strong in this episode. I'm being honest, just really
(48:18):
fun to play with. James. I don't know if you
guys could hear, but there's just next door just smashing
and hammering, and so I just muted my microphone and
saddled back with people doing it or there's like tools
and stuff being used. Well, it started with what I
thought somebody was maybe hanging a picture on the wall,
and then it became all sorts of power tools. James Beaney,
(48:41):
why don't you let us know what's going on with you?
Other things? Inspection work. That's pretty much my world right now.
Volume down, all right, Greg Getkowsky. If you don't already
have HBO Max, this would be a good time to
get a subscription by by mid November so you can
watch a little show called sex Lives of College Girls.
(49:02):
I'm only in a couple of them. And it's it's
not a porno and uh and uh I play a debt.
They check that out. Joey Greer, I am gonna check
out sex Lives with College Girls and uh, I can't
wait to see that. Also check out murder What was it?
Craig murder Berry Kill, murder Berry Win, Murderberry Win, Murderberry
(49:26):
Win got on Prime Awesome. I'm at Stratton Cooler at
Cold Stratton on those social things. Uh, let's thank our
wonderful engineer and producer Doug Bay and the fine folks
at I Heart Media dot com. He's right to us
(49:46):
at Alchemy this email at gmail dot com. That's Alchemy
Com until next time. And a football a