Mario Kart as NASCAR

Mario Kart as NASCAR

A baby thinks she's funny

Home makeover

 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. To sign your
guest cost Cold Stratton in for KP. Let's meet everybody today,
shollow me in no particular order, that's all. Thing is here,
that's all. Uh. If you could have dinner with any athlete,
living or dead, though the dead one may not have dinner,
what would it be. Oh, that's very tough, they're very tough.

(00:26):
Maybe maybe Muhammad Ali. Maybe yeah, I'll go with that.
I'd like to have with him. And since yeah, and
more food for me, I guess. So that's good. Look
that that that's good. Next up it's Craig Kakowski. Hey,
Craigor's what lazy writing conceit in movies drives you crazy?

(00:48):
Is there a thing that happens that people rely on
that just makes you bonkers when you see it? That's
my car. It's not as coming anymore. But I think
Phil feels like cars always gets got stolen in eighties
and nineties action movies, and there would always be a
business and asshole businessman, h white guy in a suit

(01:12):
who'd come running out after the sports car that he
had left, you know, running or with the keys. That's
a good thing. I love that Mine is always like
the like overhearing something out of context when you're about
to confess something to somebody, Like you know, you're walking
to the door to tell somebody you love them, and
then you hear them say like, I hate them when

(01:34):
they don't love me the way I want them too,
and they just really hate them part and turn away,
and then you have to add a thirty minutes onto
the movie because that makes me crazy. I hate it
so much. And that's the equivalent also of turning on
the news to get the exact store. Yeah, turning it
off the second that story is over. Still on the
loose click hey, speaking of it's Mark Gagliardi, still on

(02:00):
the loot the Mark, Hey, what candy or sweet treat?
Do you like that? Others might not be so wild about.
I am a I'm a Whoppers fan, and it turns
out I thought everybody loved Whoppers. Not everybody loves Whoppers.
That malted milk that is malted milk balls that come

(02:20):
in I guess, so you know that it is malted milk.
It comes in what looks like a milk cart. So
I also love that it comes in that that milk cart.
And I remember from my childhood. Yeah, I'm a full
on I'm a full on whop head. Ye. Last, but

(02:40):
not least, it's Jackie do Ruthie, Jackie, what tech or
life innovation do you hope they figure out in the
next ten years? Like in ten years, what's the cool
thing that they could develop that you would be totally
into tech or life innovation? I mean, I get the
way I answered these is I go with my gut
and I just say the first thing that came to

(03:02):
my mind, and then later sometimes I'm like, God, God,
why did I do that? But this time I like
what my gut is saying. Though it will bring us
to a serious place. Um, I hope we fucking find
a cure for cancer. Whether that that's an innovation that
needs to happen, um, tech or life. I would call

(03:22):
it a life innovation. But if tech tech is going
to get us there for sure? Um if that I
want that the most. And then an asshole businessman runs
out and goes, that's my cure. Now, I like, I'm
with you there, that would be pretty amazing. Well, on

(03:42):
that fun note, I know I know that all food
based inns were food based. All of our scenes suggestions
are gathered from listeners, emails, or from our Patreon va
p s. To become a Patreon supporter of the show
and enjoy it exclusive content and other perks, just head
on over to Patreon dot com slash alchemy this. If

(04:05):
you'd like to submit a scene suggestion via email, please
write to the podcast at alchemy this email at gmail
dot com. That's dot com. Scene one is from Alchemy
v I P. Corey Booth, who wrote warning scene suggestion
look away for those who must a Mario Kart race
being covered like it was NASCAR. Love you guys, man.

(04:30):
We here live to see the race of the century,
and I'm always here with my co host Tureen. Taureen
glad to have you on board. It's loud as hell, Jimmy,
it's loud as hell. Trinaw you you've been a you're
a driver for a long time. Can you give us

(04:51):
some example of what's going on in their heads right
now before the race starts. Well, I'm someone who would
choose a motorcycle over a four wheel learned that was
my choice the race. And as you know these races,
you can have either one and they're gonna be in
the same, uh competition. I was a motorcycle girl. So
I was always about my tight turns, and I was
honestly thinking a lot about my power ups and how

(05:13):
I was gonna, you know, more more defense than offense.
I was a defensive driver, defensive driver. Okay, And I
have a question for you, actually, Jimmy, you're someone who's
actually had a lot of personal loss on the uh
the driveway here on the on the track. Are you
talking about my betting abbots? Um? Yes, gambling is an issue.

(05:37):
How's it going right? I think today I have some insight, scoop,
and I have some money down on toad and I think, wow,
so you're still you're still going for it? Yeah, I
think this comes clear. I won't know, Uh, Jeff goons
any more money? You know. Turns out though didn't do
what you thought he would do today, did he? Jimmy,

(05:58):
I'll tell you, I don't know what was happening. I
just I just let's give me, give me, give me
just one more go. Whoa, whoa. You don't get to gimme, gimme, gimme.
You don't get to come into here, into my back room,
underneath my lamp, in my metal chair, wearing my ropes
and say gimme, gimme, gimme me. Okay, yeah, no, no, no,

(06:21):
the gimme, gimme gimme is gonna be me when you gimme, gimme,
gimme several of your toes for Toad not winning today
when you swore it was a sure thing. What happened
out there, Jimmy, what happened with the banana appeals and
the shells and the little slippery spots that took Toad
down today? I don't know. I'm just I'm just an announcer.

(06:43):
I don't know what's happening on the race track. I
got good information from his mechanic, and I thought you
were an announcer and you don't know what's happening on
the race track. Your job is to know what's happening
on the race track and relay that information to to people.
So I'm asking you for some information, Jimmy, what the

(07:04):
hell happened today? You can you can put the knife down.
You can put the knife Okay, I can put the
knife down, but I can pick up this shell. I'm sorry,
I messed up. It was Rainbow Road. Rainbow Road, you
were supposed to throw that race and I for one time,

(07:26):
I didn't fall off the sides, and I'm like, I
got this, and so I wanted look, you know, I
these cards defy the laws of physics. Uh, and I
don't know why I got into wagering on on them. Okay,

(07:46):
it's not good. Look, it's miraculous that I can drive.
I'm a mushroom with Z but I made it. I
got through. You know, I had to do it. Okay, Look, mushroom, Uh,
you're you're out. You're out? What you're out? I got? Uh?

(08:12):
What I got? I got you know, eight drivers waiting
to take your spot. I got a I got a
giant gorilla, I got a I got a flower that sings.
I gotta I don't know, I don't know. It's a
lot of a lot of crazy ship. We're here at
the Cooper Cup, and the biggest story today is that
Mushroom is not racing. I repeat, mushroom is not racing today.

(08:39):
A tree, you've you've you've been a driver before. So
tell us what exactly are they looking for in a
new driver. Okay, I will tell you that. And then Jimmy,
we gotta move on from the fact that I used
to drive because it, honestly, it just harps on my
age and my limits and it makes me feel dark
inside a tree. The crowds want to hear about what

(09:02):
it's like to be an experienced driver, so I'm gonna
give it to them. So I'm going to give it
to them. What they're looking for. You're asking for what
they're looking for in a driver that's correctorin And I'm
wonder that Penzil oil pencil is the best oil you
can put in your car. All right back to your dream.
It really depends because sometimes you want a lighter driver,
like a like a baby peach, and you want someone

(09:23):
who's gonna be that's gonna be a fast because they're
lighter in the seat. However, if you get a heftier
driver like a Bowser, you're going to be able to
take turns better. And again, you know me, defensive player,
you're gonna be able to knock some people around, and
that's very very important. Now I would ask you who
you're betting on, but I'm praying for your children that

(09:45):
you are not bet Luigi Luigi this time. It's really good.
I got a good inside deal, and uh, I think
it's gonna come through and speaking of coming through, so
it didn't work out so well with Luigi on that
last race. Huh you got yeah? Yeah, yeah yeah. Okay,
now listen, now you have the knife out already. Let
me Yeah, I got the knife out already. I got

(10:07):
all the tools laid out on the table. Oh my god, yeah,
this is a scalpel. And then this is this is
Oh my goodness, this is a it's a nutcracker, like
a Christmas nutcracker. Yeah, it's a Christmas nutcracker. And you
know what I'm gonna do right now, I'm gonna give
you a little demonstration of what is possibly going to

(10:27):
happen to you if I don't get my money. Hey, hey, Reggie,
bring that mushroom out here? Oh yeah, bringing a mushroom out.
That's right. This little guy here was supposed to throw it.
You remember that. You remember that little guy you were
supposed to throw the race last week? Yeah yeah, and

(10:50):
he won that race, and then this week's racey did
not show up. You know why he did not show up? No, no,
I don't. He was kicked off his team. He was
kicked off his team for not throwing it and brought
directly to me. So that I could show you what
happens now this little mushroom right here. He went against

(11:12):
the family. So you know what's gonna happen to this
little mushroom right here. Um, you're gonna tell First, we're
gonna dry frying with a little bit of salt to
draw draw the moisture out. I know, Reggie, I know
you love this. It's gonna draw a little bit of
moisture out. Then we're gonna get some rosemary. Mix it
in there, little olive oil. Tossed the whole thing around together,

(11:32):
and then it'll get a nice flavor to put a
little bourbon in there. Set that bourbon on fire. Bourbon mushrooms,
Bourbon rosemary mushrooms as well. I didn't want to tell
you I have an inside scoop about this next race.
Where'd you get your inside scoop from a former driver?
A former driver with plenty of experience, thirty years of
experience driving, you know, tren Oh, I get mushroom spot.

(11:58):
Don't look at me. Don't look at me. I'm sure right.
Don't look at me. Don't look at me. Don't look
at me. You can talk to me, but don't look
at me. I'll stop doing whatever I'm doing if you
look at me. I'm a ghost and I am shy,
so do not look at me. Okay, okay, look I
I don't know what the fuss going on here? All right?

(12:20):
Look I used to uh, I used to work with boxers.
All right, it was simple. They were human. They hit
each other with fists. Now I got like, there's like
a fox with stars for eyes. There's like it's like
a lemur who break dances. Like there's a lot of
a lot of ship going on here. Okay, I'm a
really good driver. I'm very fast, but if anyone looks

(12:42):
at me, I will slam the brakes and stop where
I am until everybody looks away, and then I will
continue to drive. Why don't you let the ghost on
the team? Man, Why don't you let a break dance
and Leamur do it. We don't get scared. We aren't
scared of nothing. Alright, Calm down, Lamur, and the ghost
gets the first shot at it, all right, trust me,

(13:04):
I won't let you down unless someone looks at me.
Otherwise we're good. Jesus Christ, all right, all right, Well,
let's let's cut to the race, and we're back live here,
and we just want to let you know subway makes
sandwiches the right way. Moving on from previous host, now

(13:25):
we have step let them know that subway makes them
the fresh way. Subway eat fresh. That's what we're supposed
to say. Yeah, sir, thank you, thank you. Train your
experience goes further than the race course. All right, But
we're back here live and I'm here joined as always
with Tureen, who has who's here with me? Thank you,

(13:48):
thank you so much. And I'm here looking at this.
We've got a bunch of racers getting ready. They are
reving their engines. Will Luigi seems to already have his
car on fire. But what the most interesting person here
is a new racer and he's in the back of
the line. That's a ghost. That's a inky, pinky or
stinky I'm not sure, but I'm gonna I'm gonna go

(14:10):
with its inky, okay. And you know, how did you
treat new drivers when they come on the racetrack? I
mean like they were my fucking competition. I mean I
throw fucking turtle shells at them. I you know, Oh sorry,

(14:30):
excuse me. I'm getting hated at this point because when
I draw a boundary, you just seem to blow right
through it. But anyways, that's how I would treat it.
How are you treating your current and debilitating addiction? Well
I have I have not bet on this one, and
uh so, God bless, I'm gonna call your wife because

(14:51):
let me tell you, she's been showing up to my apartment.
And my apartment is small. I don't have guests a lot.
You know, Janine? Okay, you and Janine been hanging out great?
I mean, first of all, whoop, Okay, here we go.
Looks like Mario is actually in the lead, weird and

(15:11):
his brother Luigi is all right behind him. Maybe right, baby,
were the first turn? Yeah? Yeah, you Donkey Kong is somewhere.
I think. Well, well, well, Inky, look who decides to
come back to pack Land after spending a little time
in Mario's country. You think you're better than us? That it?

(15:34):
You think you're better than us? Yeah, look, Clyde, I
don't think I'm better than you, all right, don't think
he's better than us. Blinky doesn't think he's better than
us than just going around and circus for that? No, no,
then why did you leave? You left? There were only
three ghosts against that pac Man this week three ghosts. Okay,

(15:55):
I'm sorry, guys, I just I saw an opportunity to
spread my wings, like I was tired of trying to
catch the little guy and then becoming eyes and returning
to base and starting all over again. Okay, what's eat fruit?
I mean, it's delicious and it's full of vitamins. So
many bouncing pretzels I can have. You know, there's only

(16:16):
so many a bount some pretzels in the world. This
is why we need you. You know, you're the best
of us. Look like that. The race did not go well,
so there were thousands of people looking at me. I
didn't even get past the start line. It was really sad.

(16:36):
It wasn't good. In this world, you're usually all eyes.
That's all you want is eye contact. But in that world,
you followed by their rules. You shrink away, someone looks
at you, freeze. You're the best of us in our world.
So Carl, you want to come back and train boxing? Huh?
Racecourse didn't go for you? Huh yes, Jesus Christ, it

(16:58):
was the worst we got. Hey, you're coming at the
perfect time. We got this. Uh. Former Soviet block boxer
he's got a shot at Mike Tyson. Great, great, all right,
you just gotta teach him the right combo. Yeah maybe, Okay,
Wait is this is this another video game reference? Because
it's gonna go right over my head? And that's our

(17:20):
first seen number twos from Alchemy v I P. David Joho,
who wrote Howdy Alchemniacs. Here's a quick scene suggestion. A
baby thinks she's funny? Are you gonna get five minutes?
Then we're giving you the light? Yeah? All right, that

(17:46):
I mean that's uh, that's a yes. All right, well
we'll call that a yes. So uh so, yeah, you
get five minutes, then you get the light. You get
one drink ticket for after your set. I can't use
it before. But yeah, have a great show. You're gonna
be great good. Just hang out here and then just
hang out here in the green room until it's your slot.

(18:08):
You'll know you're you're right after Tony. Tony is really nice.
They'll they'll warm, they'll warm into the all right shows
in ten everybody ten, you're new here? Huh where where
else have you played? Flappers? Yeah? Yeah, well you know,

(18:40):
uh you know bows La Force. Yeah, he's pretty funny. Right, Yeah,
don't get me started. Do you need me to fill
your slippy cup with something? Yeah? Long Island, all right?

(19:05):
I mean, might as well get the max out of
that drink ticket, right, they're just looking over your set
list here. I think I'm covering a lot of the
same topics. I mean, I know we're gonna have different
takes on them, certainly, but like, uh, I mean I

(19:29):
don't want I don't want you to burn. Uh you
know everything that I'm doing, all right? Yeah, I got
I got pooping my pants, I got that in there. Yeah,
I got sucking on mom's titties. That's that's in my set.
It's in my set. And then I got a I

(19:51):
got a January six bit. Oh you think you're getting
in here? Look at the side twenty one months in
under only all right? Hey, what what the hell I to?
I have to follow a baby last week? Is this?
Is this the thing? Is this the new thing? Yeah,

(20:12):
it's the new thing. Look at the clientele out there,
all right. These little guys are sucking down juice boxes.
There's a two box minimum. They're doing like forty boxes.
All right, this is the best we've done in a
long time. There there's a line of toddler's waiting to
get in. I I need this, that this is an
audience that can grow with me. Jerry, all right, look,

(20:35):
I'll give you one more shot out there. But Gene,
I know you don't want to play down, but you're
gonna have to. You're gonna have to pander to this crowd.
You know, if things aren't going well, do peekaboo clothes
a peekaboo. Everyone's doing peekaboo these days. I mean, I've
got my poop in my pants bit. But it's a
little more. It's you know, it's more of a think
it's too heavy. It's too heavy, right, Nerd. I think

(21:01):
we need to talk with Susie. It's just she really
thinks that she's funny and that this is the path
for her. I mean, we said we were always going
to support what she wanted to do, so she thinks
she's funny. I mean, you've seen her giggle at you know,
the noises she makes and okay, but like laughing at yourself,

(21:25):
and honestly, at this age, is she laughing or is
it more of a twitch reaction? You know, Look, I
don't know if it's a twitch or a reaction, but
the audience seemed to enjoy it. I mean, I just,
I just I just wanted to believe in something that
is inaccurate. I just don't want her to grow up

(21:46):
with a false sense of self. And I just don't
find spitting up on stage to be funny. That's just
not the comedy that I want to see. Well, I mean,
now we're just in the point of just judging her comedy.
I mean, honey, look, we can we consider this table
and we can sign this TV deal or not. It's
going to change your life. Should I leave? Should I

(22:08):
leave this meeting? Should I be here for this? Listen?
We're here to offer two point two million dollars six
year deal, right, So yeah, I mean it's not just
that we think she's funny, honey, and she thinks she's funny.
That audience thought she was funny, those scouts thought she
was funny, and this network thinks she's funny. I mean,

(22:29):
we're not talking streaming, we're talking broadcast, all right, So
this is I don't go to anybody for this deal, alright.
I'm just concerned that it's gonna mess up with her
knap schedule. We just got her on the right sleep schedule,
and she's just sleeping regression as part of alright, first
team in, first team in let's go ahead and get
in there. Susie. Good, should we eat you? Good? Okay, okay,

(22:55):
great Susie? So alright, like, so, let's rehearsals up. Alright,
rehearsals up. Um. As you know in this scene, you've
just you've gotten back from your big business trip and
you've found your husband has been unpure. So uh, let's
go ahead and let's give that a rehearsal. The rest
of you guys, are you good to go? You're good? Yeah, Yeah,

(23:16):
we got it, We got it dead. Alright, great, alright,
so let's go ahead and rehearsal up. Rehearsal up, rehearsle up.
Whoa baby, I didn't inspect you back, so come on,
don't cry baby, Come on, you're spinning up all over yourself.
You got a hold of yourself. Alright, great, crew likes it.

(23:45):
You can see the reaction you got from the crew.
That's always good. That's always good when the crew last. Yeah,
so when we get this in front of the audience,
can we get a diaper change? Yeah? They need diaper change.
In here. Let's get last looks, last diper looks. And
how about what for Susie as well? I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
All right, that was great, Uh, Susie? Uh, I like

(24:08):
improvisation you did? You did improv a little bit there,
threw me off. You're pro, you pro, you followed, you're olled. Uh?
So you know, just make sure you hit the beats
of the seat. Okay, everything else is spine as long
as you hit the beats right the tenements? Got it?
I gotta say, Susie, your ability to cry on cue

(24:29):
is unbelievable, Like, how do you do it? Is it
since memory or you just you just can turn it
on and off like that. That's fantastic. I've been trying
to get them to write me some more crying scenes,
you know, maybe make this, you know, a little more
of a dramedy. Um. Hey did they did they pressure
you to uh to sign for for seven seasons? They did? Yeah? Yeah,

(24:56):
my my, my people are trying to work something out,
but uh, you know, no favorite nations? Right? Why what's
so funny? You guys? You're you're working some kind of
deal with all right? You two were just about ready
to get filming. The warm up comic is getting the
audience going. I think you used to work with him
at the store. He does a great bit about pooping pants. Uh, honey,

(25:27):
she won't come out of her trailer. What am I
supposed to do about it? I don't know. You're you
seem to be the one. Look, you've been right all along.
You said that you didn't think that Susie was funny,
and yet turned out Susie wanted to do dramatic work.
So now we're here shooting this thing and it's just maybe, Look, yes, fine,

(25:50):
Is that that face was that you want me to
say that? You're always right? Yes? I mean you've always
been right about Susie. Thank you, thank you. You were right.
You're generally right about Susie. You're the only one that
can talk her down this movie. Think. I just feel
like my bond with her has really disintegrated ever since

(26:11):
we came to set. I was feeling that way too.
The makeup woman it's weird, right, like always laughing with
her and trying to touch her and grab her hands.
Excuse me, folks, just bringing in a feeder for Susie.
Excuse me, a feeder like a feed. This lady is

(26:31):
gonna feed Susie. Excuse me, oh, like a like a
breast feeder. Yes, yes, Susie's mother's right, she's passed, she's
onto solids. She's onto solids. She asked for it. We
just Town gets what Town wants. Um. I don't feel
comfortable with my daughter's sucking another woman's TV. Alright, I'm sorry,

(26:55):
this is I'm sorry to you, and I know that
this is no. I'm ready to go if she needs
a personal thing for me, because she had a problem
latching onto my breast and if I see her latch
onto yours, I'm going to lose my mind. Really, I've
never had a problem with her or any baby, any baby,

(27:15):
but Susie in particularly. Oh so you've done this before. Wait,
this is not the first day of this. Susie has
requested this from maybe the fourth shoot. And we give
Susie what Susie maybe contract do we have you you
you have to go through the parents? Do you have
to Did you read the contract? Well no, no, we

(27:36):
just assumed that everything was okay because it was a
Hollywood contract. Excuse me, Let me let the feeder in
and then we'll have a conversation. I'll take you over
to Hey, we're here on the red carpet with the arrivals. Oh,
oh my gosh, first time now. And he's Susie is
strolling up being strolled up in a stroller. Oh my goodness,
Oh my goodness, Susie. Who are you wearing? She's wearing?

(28:03):
Oh great, those are That's that's wonderful. Uh, it's gotta
be so thrilling, such a whirlwind for you, for like
the youngest nominee ever at eight months and uh, we're
just we're thrilled, I mean your performance. Martin Scorsese was
quoted as saying, I am retiring from filmmaking because nothing

(28:26):
can top what she just did in my last film.
I'm wearing a Banana Republic. That's what I'm wearing. Great.
I'm surprised to see you here and not her feeder.

(28:49):
I've heard that those two have really really been hitting
it off, you know about Linda. That's so interesting. Hey, Hollywood,
so hey Linda, so good to see you. Who are
you wearing. I'm wearing Dolce and Gabanna on the bottom.
We see on the topica bottom on the bottom, and uh,

(29:15):
and just showing off the moneymakers, you know, because you
know I'm not gonna work with Susie forever. There's gonna
be other gigs. And uh, you know, I just want
to want everyone to know who you're hiring and what
you're hiring. Well, it's so good to see you. I
we are You're the front runner. Susie is the front
runner in this race. Um, finally, Meryl Streep is gonna

(29:35):
get taken down a notch. And uh, it's I mean,
we're all pulling for you, Sues. We're all pulling for you.
And I think if I could say that, like, it's
especially impressive. It she started out in comedy, but you know,
nobody takes comedy seriously. She had to really stretch her
dramatic chops to to get this nomination. And the fact

(29:57):
that she was able to transition so quickly and six
weeks from comedy to drama and master them both, I mean,
it's it's amazing. I'm sorry, I better move on. I'm leaking.
Oh right, sorry, sorry, we'll be back. It's like I
wasn't even there. Oh that is brutal. I just I

(30:18):
don't know, I feel no bond with her anymore. And hey, folks,
here's your awesome blossom, thank you. Thanks. Didn't we order
a bloomin onion? Oh yeah, they they switch. They call
it an awesome blossom. Here this because we're out front.
Oh got it, got it, got it just looks so similar.

(30:41):
You know, you'd think with our with our daughter making
all that money, we could afford to go to out back.
But no, she I don't know how. She already got
us out of her contract. It's she's becoming a nightmare.
And what do you think is going to happen when
she starts popping out real teeth? You know what I mean?
They're still gonna want her around and give her these
two million, six year deals, which I've actually looked into,

(31:03):
and that's not a good deal. No, it's not a
good deal. Look, here's two R C. Cola's thank you,
Thank you, Susie. We're sorry you're too you've aged out
of Hollywood. Sorry, kid water, I mean that's for a listers.

(31:24):
I know you have two oscars, but oscar that was
your first word, Mama, renegotiate m I mean it might
be too late for that, but you know you know
where to find her, and that's our second C three

(31:56):
is from Alchemy v I P. Chad Cruise. He wrote, Hello,
Kevin or whomever is guest hosting this week, that would
be me. After listening since the beginning, I finally became
a Patreon supporter. Not to sound like a complete shill
if this happens to get run on the podcast, but
I didn't realize what I was missing out on, and
it's been awesome to have a ton of bonus content
to catch up on. Big thanks to you all seen
Suggestion Home Makeover Show? Chad, are you ready to see

(32:23):
what we've done with your house? Yeah, a little little nervous,
but what do you What do you think? No, we're
both We're both excited fellas. You have nothing to be
worried about. We have taken everything you own and completely
turned it on its head. Let's meet our designers. Come

(32:44):
on out here you too. Hello. Nice to see everybody's
It's so good to be here. That's right. This is
Maria and Hans and Maria and Hans. Uh. They took
such great care of your beautiful home and uh and
are you ready to go inside and see what they've done? Well?
They seem very European, so I trust them extremely it's

(33:06):
it's it's crazy how European I am so? Well? Do
I have for breakfast a piece of bread? The Europeans
they eat different than we do. They decorate different than
we do too. Let's walk through the front door and
say hi to your new foer God. Uh, it looks

(33:34):
it's as black as the night sky. Yes, we want
you to enter into another universe, another world, and you
want to leave your earthly positions behind and just come
in as a soul into your home. Well, normally I
put my keys a wallet on the end table. I
can't really feel it here. We've always put the keys

(33:58):
in the same place that way, when one of us
was king for the other ones keys, we know where
it's okay, this isn't going to work. If they don't
like our designs, we can just knock the house down,
because no, no, no, don't, don't, don't, don't knock the
house down. This is this foyer is like a palate
cleanser for the world. You know, you leave what was
outside you, you completely scrub yourself of conceptions and preconceptions,

(34:21):
and then when you enter the main room, everything changes. Okay,
I just I just can't see any keep an open mind,
and you keep an open eyes because you're about to
see so much. And don't worry. There will be plenty
of space to put keys in the next room. But
as we explain, this is palate cleanser. Okay, there's a

(34:43):
wall here. Now, this is where the door was to
the living room. You have a living room. Come this way,
step right through this new archway into your brand nude.
If you're you etheria, that's right, it's an ethereal where

(35:07):
your living room used to be. You now have an etheria.
There's a lot of a lot of parrots in here. Yes,
enjoy your senses. The colors of the pet of the
parrots are for your eyes. The chirping of the parrots
are for your ears. The soft feathers of the parents
are for your fingers. And if you think that an

(35:27):
old one is annoying, throw it on the fire and
taste it very nice. Welcome to yes. If if you
please the parrots, one of them will have your keys
for you. You put the keys in the air. Once
you have established rapport with the parrot. You must please
the parents. You must please the parrots. That feels like

(35:49):
a lot of work. Five parrots here and one of
them is very, very picky. But if you can please
that one, wow, will you have an amazing life. If
you can please one of the other ones, that be
fine too. Do they have names? Do they talk? I mean,
how do we please Chico, Lossandra, Andrean and Pico. The
fourth one is Andrean. Yeah, and just tell me their

(36:14):
names one more time. Okay, I know I got the
names down. I'm not sure which is which. Okay, Wow,
you can't tell. We've got Cuban parrot Pepe. Then we've
got a golden macca Chico. Then we've got a red macaw.
That one is Adrian. Then we got um, which one

(36:35):
was Lossandra, clear one? The clear one? I think that's
obvious parrot. That's a clear parrot, okay. And then you
said if the parrot displeases me, I can throw it
on the fire. Yes, I said, if it gets old,
but yes, if you displease it, and then that's okay.
But you only have five. And if you run out

(36:56):
of parrots, the room folds in on itself like the
world on collapses. Goodness, and this fire is really blazing
at it's a hot fired and it's going to warm
up your entire house and they winded and heat up
the entire place in this summer to an unbearable heat

(37:16):
where you're going to feel like you're going to pass out.
But my god, when you get outside, any temperature is
going to feel like fresh air to you, and you're
gonna feel so revived. Okay, we live in Austin. It's
pretty hot and humid to begin with, so imagine thinking
that that's refreshing when you lotside. Alright, well, what about

(37:37):
the kitchen, because I think that and I really hope
to get like an island in the middle of the kitchen,
just get a little more space to work. We we
love to cook, fellas. Not only do you have an
island in your kitchen, Clint Island, you have a tropical
island and the ocean that surrounds it. Take a look. Now,

(38:00):
it's more of an isthmus than it is an island
because we did have to connect it a little bit,
just a tiny bit of a bit of a tight room,
so technically it is an isthmus. But do not worry.
It still feels like you are in the middle of nothing.
They're alligators in this moat. There are there are, don't worry.
That's why there's the canoe right here. Hop on in

(38:22):
and check out your new island. Sorry, Isthmus, we'll just
walk the isthmus. Do we have to get in the canoe? Yeah,
someone isn't getting into the spirit of the house. I mean,
we can just knock it down. Please, please don't knock
it down. Therefore the emergencies. But if you want to
knock the whole thing down, we can knock the whole

(38:42):
thing down right now while we're all inside, very clear
and we we we don't want to knock anything down.
This we were displaced while you were doing this project
for two months. We don't want to knock anything down.
We've been staying in a Ramada inn. Yeah. When you
get to the island, be sure to make friends with
the nay Chives who live there. There's natives of the
kitchen Isthmus, Yes, there are, and they have not seen

(39:05):
outsiders before, so just you know where did you find them.
They can either be very very helpful in the kitchen
or they can absolutely ruin your life now please okay,
and and throw them on the fire when they get
old to you throw them to the crocodile. You have joke,

(39:29):
you have to throw it around. You know, you feed
the crocodiles. There's crocodiles and alligators home, Yes, what of them?
Just snapped at make a mixture of salt and fresh water,
so we have it all. Okay, well, you say, we're here.
We have some mangroves and these desalinates the water, the

(39:49):
roots of it, and if you take off a leaf,
it is actually very very salty. So on one side
of the mangroves we have the salt water, and on
the other side we have the fresh water, and both
we have alligator crocodile, and in between the two you'll
be very happy. The air fryer you wanted we did.
We did the one thing we did put in specifically

(40:11):
out of everything you really wanted. In the air friar
runs only on tears. No what, Yes, Now you can cry,
or you can get one of the natives to cry,
or you can get one of the well of parrots
parents to cry. You can get one of the parents.
But if you take all of the parrots out of
that room. Okay, I don't think I'm going to have

(40:34):
to make the parrot cry. I think I have enough
tears in my own to operate here. You're not going
to want to make a crocodile cry, right, you know
what they say, a crocodile tears. No, they don't do
crocodile tears. That's what they say. Oh, they don't cry.
That's the same. They don't do crocodi out here. Don't
give me crocodile tears, that's what they say. Who's oh god,

(40:58):
what what did you do to a bedroom? Well, you said,
what was the adjective? You said you wanted your bedroom
to be for the viewers at home roomy, roomy. That's right,
roomy and and sexy. You eat Clint through sexy and
they're right at them. Well, let's take a peek inside

(41:22):
your roomy, sexy new bedroom. Let's open that door. What's
roomier then a woman's womb in the nine months? So
that is the inspiration for this personal bedroom. And also
that is sexy. No, at nine months now you have
already populated and you have your growing the child, and

(41:42):
you're also horny as hell because of all the hormones.
So that's what the inspiration for this room. Yes, and
the child in the corner is played by Oscar winner Susie. Everybody,
Oh that is Susie and funny stuff. She gets too
old for your liking, Throw her in the ceiling fan.

(42:03):
What okay, whoa I think I just slept on the
amniotic fluid. And isn't that fun? What if you slip
and slide into one another. Now you're bumping into each
other like a meat cute, like you're just meeting for
the first time. You know how sexy? That is all
you want? Sexy? You want sexy. What is sexier than
the corner or kligland orgy going on it? Oh god,

(42:28):
it's the data there the parents. It's very, very sexual,
and it will give you inspiration for different things you
can do with each other. Maybe you did not think
about it. Now, if you take this fallopian tube and
you're going to get into it like we've built these
big canisters like you when you deposited check at the

(42:48):
bank in the drive through. You can put yourself right
in here, get shoot through the Filippian tube and you
end up in your own suite bathroom. Wow, there's no bathroom.
The room is equipped with both speakers with two months
free of Pandora radio. Yes, yes, alright, let's hop in

(43:11):
those fallopian tubes and check out your master bathroom. Shoo, shoo, shoo.
It looks pretty basic. We didn't get to this way.
Does you know we can do whatever to it. We
just wanted to show. You didn't even scrub the tub.

(43:35):
You're doing a lot putting in this tube mechanism. It's
very actually quite difficult. And it was to get a
clear parrot, you know, like we were busy. There a
lot of paperwork, and we thought about it because I
wanted to have clear bathroom. You know, see everybody see
what you're doing in their Oh sexy, what you showered?
But he said, no, what about a clear parrot? And

(43:56):
then we had the big fight. Does it even exist?
He said, if it does, I win the bed, and
then he did and he won, and now the bathroom
is just what it used to be. How long have
you two been working together? We just met about two
minutes before the show began. Also, you've been working independently

(44:16):
this whole time, yes, but across independent and also cross
to each other. You know. Well, Hans did the entire
backyard us. Are you ready to see your new backyard?
Do we have to go on the filopian too? We
should do. Yes, you have to see on the eggs

(44:39):
in and out of the bathroom, busy from the low
and here we are. Wow, well there's a putting green
like we we hoped for nice trees over there. It's
like a little mini forest. Well was that a tiger?

(45:01):
It is a tiger. That is Alan Trammel. He lives
in the corner and tigers shortstop. Ellen decides the graphs
for you and only time, anytime you want it, and
you only have to feed him once a week. And
you know that really fun show and also game that
people play in their personal houses. Florida's lava. Okay, well,

(45:26):
anything that looks like concrete in the backyard is lava.
Don't start, You're going to get burned. So now you
have to be hopping around from patch to patch of
grass to grass maybe to jump into the pool. You know,
if you catch on fire a little bit, you have
to jump into the pool. Can we get an isthmus
put in? Maybe over the Now you want the isthmus?
Now you want the isms? Okay? Can we uh? Can?

(45:51):
Can Clinton I have a moment too? Of course you can.
We're going to cut you a quick commercial and when
we come back, we will hand you your key. Ease.
Has this been going out live this entire time. What
do you think? What do you think? What are we
gonna do? We have no other place to live. This
is a this is a zoo. It's a literally a zoo.

(46:14):
It is a zoo. What do you think? I mean?
I I wish they'd put new tile in the bathroom.
But and the kitchen does look nice? Has that air fryer? Yeah?
I mean I thought maybe we could sell the seat
through parrot. That's gotta be worth yeah, flip it, flip it.

(46:36):
We're back. Are you ready to get your keys to
your brand new home? Yes? Yes, yes, we are all right.
Go back in that living room and your keys are
in one of those parents. Oh fuck, I know that

(46:56):
might be the first thing we did. That was like
a bottle episode. And ever whenever real time of improv scenes,
let's check in with everybody, see what they're up to,
off tool saying, oh thanks for having me. This is
always so much fun. Um I have shows coming out,
but you can see if you're in the l A area.

(47:16):
Go to my website at toolsing dot com. Are my socials,
which are all a tool time. No, I's Jackie against
Alice birthday. Thanks for having me? What a good time.
And I have to say I usually, UM don't love
a bottle episode to do not to I like watching them,
but you know, I feel very like I want to

(47:36):
do something out. I feel to a d D I
guess and I enjoyed that. Um, so thank you, thank
you for having me. I'm at Jackie d Ruthie on
Instagram and that's where I post about and he shows
any fun upcoming things to check out. I smart gag Leardi,
Hey buddy, thanks for having me. Always a treat. Um, yeah,

(48:00):
this was fun. You guys are all really funny and
I left playing with you. Uh find me online. I'm
at mark Gags on most stuff and um we got
this with Mark and Howe on the Maximum Fun Network.
Got more shows coming out every week and um, if
you were in the Los Angeles area first Thursday of
every month that Lineage Performing Arts Center, what you will

(48:20):
it is a Shakespearean unplay. That is all I will
say about it. But it's happening in Pasadena on the
first Thursday of every month with Ensemble Shakespeare Theater. If
you're in the area, come check it out and thanks
awesome and Craig so much fun? Can you tell? That
I don't know the first thing about Mark or NASCAR

(48:43):
for that matter, but pac Man, I should have got
that reference. Come come on, like that's that's from my
prime video game days. Uh so yeah, I'm gonna I'm
gonna phone up for the next Uh. You might really
liked it. Very fun, fun game. I mean I vaguely
know that, like you're in the cart and there's crazy

(49:08):
like past you're going up, but I don't know who
the characters are anything. Yeah there's a breakdancing Leber. You
got that right? Yeah, Yeah, I knew that. I knew that.
I'm at Cold Stratton at Stratton Cold, depending on the
social thing, first Thursday in the month at the West
Side Comedy Theater, ten pm. It's pretty pretty pony different
monologists every time and several people that are regulars on

(49:30):
this here show. Uh come check that out as a
sketch fest dot com Also our are off delayed twentieth
festival coming back, we think we'll find out. Let's thank
our producer Mr an Engineer, Mr Doug Maybe. Uh, the
fine folks that I heart media dot com and please

(49:53):
write to us at I'll cheve you this email at
gmail dot com. That email and until next time I
M