July 9, 2020 • 57 mins
Murder mystery ala Agatha Christy.
Hoax crop circle makers run into aliens making real crop circle, and aliens created Steve Buscemi.
Hypnotized to talk in different language when hear trigger word.
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See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome back to another episode ab Altomys COVID nine edition.
I am your host, Kevin Pollo Kiss. That's Kevin poll
Do I like you? Sure? I mean why wouldn't mean?
It's like have you done any into? I mean, look
out behind you, sucker, But I digress. Let's mean, alchemist,
(00:26):
shall we no particular order? Sell you? Lord of Chris
Alvarado Rods and Bob's What is the one activity you
still yearn to try? Well? Growing up in southern California
and also working in Hawaii for eight months, I've surfed
(00:47):
a bunch, but never actually really served. Yeah, I mean
one here or there, But it just seems like all
the time I've spent in the water trying to surf,
I would love to give it one more go before
him too old to stand up. So if any of
our listeners out there are surf instructors, please write to
the podcast at your name here at alcimy this dot
(01:08):
com and we'll put you guys in touch because it
would be great. And I think maybe a little instruction
is the only thing uh currently surfing between you and
getting up Perhaps UH say hello too, well, let's say
James Heeney Jimmy two cents, best advice you've received. Um,
(01:30):
the only person you need to be happy with is
the person that you look in the mirror at. And
as long as you're happy with that person, then your
life will be full of joy. Am I the only
one who when they look in the mirror doesn't see
the devil? I see the devil? Yeah, when I look
at you? Right, how would you mentions? I don't know.
(01:57):
I don't think you You got it right? It's fine, fine,
look out, it's Caroline Cartter cater Oh favorite store to pooping?
And why you've got to have a favorite? Everyone does? Um? Well,
it used to be afraid of toilets until I was
like older, like this sound they made when they were flushing,
(02:18):
until what age? Probably? Yes, that is such a great
comical answer. So once I got over that, I can
kind of drop one anywhere. Um, So you don't have
a favorite the mall? Like for me, it's nostrums for sure. Um,
I think any not at the mall, but anywhere where
(02:39):
I'm getting paid, you know what I mean? Nope, Like
if it's like I'm working and I had to ship,
I like to do that because I'm on the clock.
You know what I mean, pop on the clock? Yeah, sure,
I think we can all appreciate pooping on the clock.
Speaking of which, everybody, it's cold. Stratton realized, Yeah, I
(03:01):
had a segue and there's only one of you left
before we got to the usual Joey position, which I
think you all know is asked backwards. Um, I don't
understand any of that. Yep, South and or North Cole
weirdest vacation, Oh man, Um, yeah, I mean maybe just okay.
(03:22):
One time years ago, we were supposed to go to
Vegas and it was so cold the flight got canceled
last second, and then I know, it's bizarre, and so
then after sitting in the airport for several hours, they
finally like are putting people's in hotels and they're like, no,
we live here. So we just got a credit and
just had a staycation for two days instead of going there.
(03:42):
That's a winner in anyone's book as strange vacations. And last,
but may his tennis balls bounce off your thighs if
you think him least it's Joey Greer creep show. What
do you like to do in the off season? Oh man? Well,
number one, there is no off season. Uh so you're
I'm training year round? Uh that either you mean it's go,
(04:07):
go go. But when I do have an opportunity to
rest and and my medical team it's like, hey, you
need to take some time off. I think that I
recommend this to everybody. You make a stone tomb and
then you crawl inside and there's small blocks in there
that you can ship me up past your shoulders, and
I think we'll know where this is going. And uh,
(04:29):
you just you just meditate, you're, you're, you're, you're in there,
and you'd be surprised how long you can survive. I
think we would. We would be surprised. And back to
your medical team for just a second. Just the four, Yeah,
still just the four. So just the four All all
of them used to work with Land's Armstrong, so they're
just like they're great. Juice, juice and more juice. All right,
(04:51):
let's do a damn show. Almost all of our scene
suggestions to gather from our listener emails. Please submit yours
by writing the podcast that your name here at all
communi dot com. That's your name here. See Number one
comes from super fan Tim, who wrote High Alchemists. I
hope you're all doing well and staying safe. I'm a
(05:11):
longtime listener and big fan of the podcast James Stop Reading.
I recently watched an episode of Drunk History about Agatha Christie.
Shout out to Craig, who was wonderful in the series
and whose microphone broken is not with us today? Wow?
How did the person know that? And would love to
see the Alchemists play out a murder mystery. Allah, get
(05:32):
the Christie. I don't care how you do the scene,
but I envisioned Joey playing a Southern woman like in
the Seance episode. You're all the best, Tim Gilmore, thank you. Tim. Now,
I'm sorry, but I did request a larger cabin. Now,
I understand things might be differently you and Charlie. Oh
(05:54):
you know. But what I'm from it, Louisiana, we treat
a will right right, which is why you have this
particular cabin, ma'am. It was all set up ahead of side,
so you just need to register if you'd like a
different cabin. Re register on a train that's moving already. Son,
(06:15):
I don't think you understand it. I need a bigger cabin.
Yeah alright, Well, so when you say bigger, what are
we talking about here exactly twice as I want a
cabin the size of a house. So you want a toilet?
What you like toilet in your cabin? Well, yeah, yes
I want to I thought you meant the size. Give
(06:38):
the lady what she wants. Oh my, oh my part.
This is money I'm holding here. That's for you. No, ma'am,
not you, ma'am. You here you go. Oh my, what
(07:04):
a gentleman harassing people that are below your stage. Help me?
Don't don't pay that, No, don't pay that, no mind,
pay that, no mind. What's your name, ma'am? What's your name? Man? Someone?
I think someone tapped my my name. Someone might be
(07:24):
My name is Marjorie marjorin. Pleasure to meet you, pleasure
to meet you? My name? Are you familiar with majorin? Oh? Yes,
you own a lot of the estates down south. Now
you might know me. You might have hurt me. Sure,
I mean you probably recognize me. I won't even introduce
myself if you recognize me. Do you recognize me? Of
course I recognize you. The famous movie star Jean Chano Beijing.
(07:55):
My father was Frank Chime, obviously American. Oh, I'm so
sorry you've caught me while I'm cleaning my hands up.
There's no way that we can get a bigger cabin.
If it were any bigger, our train wouldn't go through
the tunnels. They've created the maximum sized cabin for a train.
(08:17):
It just makes sense to you. And it doesn't matter
how much money there is. This is as big as
the cabin can get. I explained that to the lady
and she just actually wanted three bathrooms in her cabin.
What am I to do? It is just not possible.
It is just not possible to get three bathrooms in
a cabin. Ask you a question. We've not worked together
(08:40):
before on a train. Are you new to the business
in general? I'm not new to the business, but I'm
very familiar. There's only so long a train cab can be,
and only so wide. If it's too long, it won't
take curves. If it's too wide, it won't go through tunnels.
Speaking of what we're speaking of, won't take curves. Where
(09:02):
are you from? Originally, let me close the store all
the way, I haet to wash these hands off. I
was looking on the fuz bathroom. Yes, fantastic, Yes, I
(09:27):
am leaving a small hamlet in England. I was so
living a crime. Yes, I mean I'm hooking. I think
you know everyone knows how I don't need that. Did
you want to get on the train. No, I mean
I'm on the train, am I not? Don't train? I
was on the hooking about this fan and fan You
(09:54):
please to introduce my safe Joan b people that you
see if there's a whole zesuit of a lot. My
son's act is just saying, of course, I know obviously
as the Englishman, you're asking for attention to one. Uh
did you either of you wish to go to your cabin? Ah? Yes, yes,
(10:15):
covin as well. Wow, people keep trying to stab me.
I keep thinking I'm dying, but here I am waking
up alive as a day I was born. Yeah, we
should go to our cabin and then maybe a nightcap
(10:38):
drink or another. If you care to investigate these screams
and hollars. It's coming from the coach train cars, so
you know, not what important to us I would investigate.
I'm on vacation, but it seems that they'll wake up
is never done. Pay no attention to those screams, Mrs Marjorie.
(11:03):
They're coming from the coach cabin. Oh my feet they hurt.
So when I was a young girl and I broken
by kicking trees and now my feed roll broken up,
and it's kind of hard for me to fit into
my heels, but I I stuff them in. You should do?
Should do you stucked into those? Yes? How you have
(11:23):
a seat? Have a seat, Charlie, Charlie, come in here.
Why this is my son? Charlie? Rub this woman's feet? Oh? Dad, come,
this is nasty. Do wish if you want your allowance.
I don't want my allowance. I want a new dad.
And I don't want to go to take your son
to work day every freaking day. Ma'am, you have bark
(11:45):
stuck to your feet. I know. Why do I mind
me at home? Here's the jar of Marjorie? Why don't
you rub that on my face? What the hell, Marjorie?
Just do it with my brand of marjarine. It's called
Marjorie that this is so gross? Oh? What is that?
(12:10):
Someone someone screaming? Okay, don't be as smart as Anthony.
She asked, you asked what was that? Don't say my name?
You don't. You're supposed call me Anthony anymore? You supposed
to call me a boy. That's my nickname. This this
little fucker. Watch Ladybird one dime and I watch Engage
his name. Maybe I should go to another it's a
(12:32):
great film. Yeah, hello John, Hello, Hello, Hello, my grandson,
Charlie Anthony. It is so nice to see you. Oh
my gosh, how do you do sir? Thank you? Yes, son,
I know that we are not normally on speaking terms,
(12:54):
but I heard you are on this train car. So
I had to come here to try to patch up sheep.
Not interesting? So should I just go to my cabin
there's a lot of family. Okay, up, we'll leave it
in there. It's all right, it's meld in my bounds.
(13:16):
At its point, all the lights just turned off. Oh
my god. Switch when someone was trying to kill me,
I had a switch, I had the lights. Anybody would
calm down. Somebody hit a switch. I don't know who
it was me it was Angelica Hanson, not that one. Oh,
(13:39):
just so that everyone knows, this is a one way
microphone that goes to your cabins. There's been a series
of stabbing. Fortunately, what is going on? Which way does
the mic go? It just goes spot in case anybody's
wondering it just goes one way. Microphones don't sell sound
(14:01):
back out, what the hell the speaker over it to
be a speaker? Who the hell was on? You are
so smart? You're so smart? Yeah, well, I feel like this.
I feel like other people in the train might have
had the same thought of like, what do you mean
one way to my room? Please ask your ask your grandfather?
(14:22):
Why the hell am I asking him? He hasn't better
in our life? And yeah, nothing ever happens on these trains.
You just let people go to the seats, go over cabins.
And I said that nothing happens. It's one of the
most chill jobs. You can take a ship the entire
rode and you're telling your job. The fact that they
got on is it is half of your job. And
(14:43):
then when the train stops, there's nothing to porto. May
I trouble you to not suggest that all the employers
take a ship. I mean it's not now. There's not
enough toilets for everyone at the same time, could you
mention that in your little diet tribe please next time? Yeah,
(15:04):
all right, have you ship yet today? By the way,
I'm actually fairly irregular. I am I squeeze it out
probably once a week. It's gonna upping your fiber. Yeah.
I tried that. I tried it. It didn't really work.
Could you check on that please. It seems like my
(15:24):
passengers are dying than usual. Strange. Yeah, let make go chat. Yeah,
maybe take the car out of your face before you go.
All right? All right, all right, what's the meaning of this?
Why are you putting us all in the same room together?
Have to see which fan of you is possibly tequila? Hm? Well,
(15:48):
I was with miss Marjorie. Yeah, and I was. That's
not true. That's not true. What he wasn't with me
the whole time. That seems to be some conflicting that
that it is not me because I am also a funge.
And you know this goes as as saying, you know
(16:09):
that I would be in this sent In fact, I
would help you, I would shadow you. Indeed, I do
want to say that my mother, his wife, died under
unusual circumstances, So I don't think he should be put
me off the table. She was killed by a horse
unusually noticed to you're familiar with this mounts wine. That
(16:34):
was okay, So there's a little confusion and maybe I'm
the only one is confused, you know, but I am.
Let's go with that, suspect one. Okay for doing that,
You're suspect one, Okay, so busy least. I think it's
it's it's very I think it's very unusual that the
(16:54):
train conductor did that whole microphone thing. That seems like,
you know, I think that was well. Botomy thinks that
was a guest. Botom thinks that was the trained conductor.
I once they weren't in the round. I don't know
where they were, but I do have several pieces of
evidence which I want to bring forth right now. But
you're still one of those suspects. You're still number one. Okay.
(17:18):
If you look, you and everything else was unusual. So
does that make me the primes you speak to? Prime
Suspect number one? Is there actually a body? We keep
here on screams? But there's never been a body discovered.
It's far as I know. Well, there's things that can
we discover that you think you all Body number one,
(17:43):
don't do what you said. No, I'm going to wrap
it up. I have it figured out, but nobody seems
to want to hear it. Didn't know what fuck it.
Who can seriously who I'm on vacation? You know? Probably
that little did it boy here. I'm not thank you
for calling me by my name. First of all, I
(18:05):
probably did it. Okay, it's probably people and coach that
did it to each other. I am not going back there.
I had to figure it out. If one would love
to hear you recap the entirety of this playing ride
and shout how you deducted everyway thing. Don't leave any
details out none, shall it be you. It's the first
(18:27):
thing that made me suspicious was when I entered the
train and the British ticket man had dust over his eyes.
I thought to me, would say, why is that? Maybe
he first sneezed in all over the place, but on
the first inspection he was sleeping underneath a man who
has very dry shits, and that is in fact the
fical matter of another patron on trying. Secondly, I came
(18:50):
across the family. I need subtitles for what he's saying.
I don't understand. Apologious down and grandfathers are all booted
to train. So the grandfather was a know notice a
far town crownd song. He boughted the train to show
them that he wanted to reckinnew the love of a family, Hey, boys,
(19:12):
or rejects that because he wants to have a career
in new music. Jean, you don't accept that lifestyle. And
even so he might be violent in tone, he's a
very patient man. So it leads me to Marjorie marjor
Ron me yes SAMs hell from a louisianail. No one
(19:40):
would expect such a beautiful woman coming from such a
faraway place to look at beautifully England. That's just a vacation.
Why would somebody leave such temporary cremate to come to
such a true deer place. I wanted to say the world,
maybe maybe you're running away from your murders. Isn't it
(20:04):
true that you were looking for a bigger cabin. Yes,
the truth is that's one confronted that your cabin could
be the size of the train. Conductor, I wanted to
let you know that there's been a series of violence
and murder, and coach that we're going to detach the
last I'd say, anyone first class to come up towards
the front of the train. It's going to be detaching
(20:26):
in thirty seconds. Okay, well, let's let's hurdly yup before
let's finish it up when we get up there. So
let's just what you're going to detach the other train
cards from the train who you're talking the conductor again,
it's one way microphone. Unfortunately, put microphone in the man
(20:53):
so many people in this room. I just thought he
was one of the people in this room. I didn't
realize it was coming through the sounds and one goes
one way. So he does have a delightful podcast that
he does over the train as it goes. So okay,
some things I would like to hear anyway, A long
study shot. Oh. I was looking around the area where
(21:19):
I first held the screams of someone being adult and
on my inspection I found a small piece of bark.
Would you mind sharing yourself for nake? Let me get
to the front, as this man not forgive me. I
am inspect the clues and I have questions for you
(21:39):
for me, Yes, what is your I think everyone on
the train knows you do not buy a ticket. Sometimes
gifts are given, and the ticket is a gift. One
I could be talked by the way as you don't
gold the li to me I knew of the stop.
(22:02):
Does anyone know what they're saying, because I haven't understood
a damn word in the past two hours. I had
the sent it total. But what you must know is
this is a delightful mashup. I am very happy, so
just let it play out. You'll know about when someone
is in the handcoffs one C two const Patroon vmpd
(22:28):
Von who wrote high Kevin, I was thrilled to hear
you do My last scene suggestion, the one where I
took my wife, who does not like improv, to one
of your shows and she was called on stage, which
was based on me actually taking her to your San
Francisco Sketch Fest live show. I listened to it with
her and she wanted me to make sure to tell
you all she did, in fact enjoy the live show.
(22:50):
My next scene suggestion a group of people making a
hoax crop circle run into aliens who are in the
process of making a real crop circle. Thanks for all
the last Devon. After listening to the most recent episode,
I realized aliens are kind of a cliche in improv,
and you probably don't want any more suggestions involving aliens,
(23:11):
So instead, how about the premier of an all new
whacking Major League Sports. Thanks again? Alright, so what has done? Yeah,
that's two emails smashed into one, and he corrected himself
after listening to the show and realized we had had
too many aliens suggestions. I personally liked the crop duct
(23:32):
Churchill mishappen, So let's go with that one, Devon. I
just wanted to read all that you wrote and thank
you for writing in um to us. We appreciate their
Jimmy June, Jimmy Jane, what would you please not you?
John and jim and June Jimmy June, Jimmy June, would
you would you get me that lighter fluid again? Because
(23:52):
I need to make this patch a little wider here
you go, appreciate that ship. When are we gonna get
a break? The Sun's gonna be up soon. I don't know.
We've been doing this for like the whole damn night.
I told my wife I'd be home for dinner. Now
I'm I'm gonna be home for breakfast. I don't remember
a time we weren't doing this, y'all. Y'all two are
(24:15):
losing sight of how funny this is gonna be. Yeah,
but funny to who people in an airplane. I mean,
can they even see what the hell we're doing from
the ground? Sure, ken think about that. The best kind
of comedy is the ones where you don't hear the laughter,
stop talking, and start burning. Okay, that's some sort of
(24:37):
third level. I just don't understand. He's not he's not
home for dinner, he's not home for breakfast. I just,
I mean, my mind goes crazy and it's you know,
I start thinking of different things that he could be doing,
and I just don't want to believe it because I
know it's not true. I know he's a good man.
He's a good man. Okay, Well for listening to my statue, U,
(25:03):
I'm so kind to listen to me every time I
come buy a town square? Who is here? So I'll
just put a coin next to your foot? And all right,
so you see, I don't like to have to explain
the goddamn joke to you, but to get it now,
isn't that funny? It's so funny. It's a funny, but
it's a thinker where I don't laugh, which is kind
(25:26):
of the best kind, right, because who the hell wants
it's easy to laugh? Right? Sure, I'm sure we do
this kind of thing when I knock it off, knock
it off. I ain't asking you for your artistic interpretation
of my joke. What I am asking you is to
finish burning this crop circle. So that so that what
(25:47):
the hell is that? What the hell? What is happening,
Jimmy John June June? Is that your stomach? Yeah, I'm hungry,
but I don't know if that's what's making it too.
It sounds like a horse. Oh, there's something over yonder there.
Take a look, look you go, there's there's Look, go
look what I'm looking. I'm going. I'm going, I'm going
(26:12):
get off me stop probing my anle? Oh my god?
Should I go? Look? I think that's okay. I'm gonna
go over there. All right, okay, all right back, I'll
be right back. Hello, what you're telling me? You went
(26:41):
down to Jack roaches farm, he started burning up his
crops to make a crop circle, and in doing so,
you're two dumbass friends got abducted by Ellen. Now you
want me to believe that? Yes, sir, Yes, I know,
I know it sounds hard to believe. Hell, I don't
know if you could tell that I was setting of
(27:02):
a joke, you know what I mean? What what was
the joke when you setting went up, when you came in.
What are you talking about? Well, the whole idea is
that it was going to be a fake crop circle,
and then people would think it's a real crop Circle's fake.
And first off, you're burning crops, you understand. You do
it with a board and string to bend the crops
(27:22):
so they don't snap in a real burning fields. Right. Well, listen,
that's not a here nor there sheriff. The point is
I lost two of my best boys, all right, So
you want to start a missing person's case and I
want to, and I want the authority to do citizens
arrests if you can. I want you to knight me
(27:44):
or whatever it takes. I want the authority that when
I get out of Son, I ain't gonna deputize it
just because you come in here smelling a goddamn lighter
fluid things that I'm gonna give you a gun and
a badge to do the lord's work. No know, it's done,
do you understand? Yeah? Global translator on, I have brought
(28:05):
two up to this ship. I've got a good Sorry,
I don't I gotta get home. To my wife. I
haven't been home in a couple of days. She's a
little old cuckoo. So if I don't get home, she's well,
they couldn't help, but notice that you guys were prairie
pairing a ring ball court team playing a game of
(28:30):
ring ball. Hey, why don't we start by you taking
these things out of our animal canales and then we
can have a proper conversation. How about that you can
keep to test for performance enhancing drugs seep Jimmie June's
And that's fine, but my concentration is being thrown by
this activity in my butt. Well, we promise you that
(28:50):
when you are ready to play a sport against us,
that we will remove the anal proofs. Can I ask
a real quick question please? I mean, I've never been
in a space it before, so kudos, it's bitching, But
is there something that's turning your regular voice into a
voice we can understand? And if that's true, is there
some sort of dial that we can adjust so it
(29:11):
doesn't sound so whiny and puny? I do not believe.
So it is a global translator? Where'd you get it from?
Radio shock? Because we have a local store down here
that's a lot better than that. Maybe you might want
to Yeah, well, I mean right now, I got a
twelve pack of Dursels I can give you for about
(29:32):
I'm he's twenty bucks, but I mean it's a tel
plack of Dursels, so it's it's pretty good. And those
are c cars over there right by the front door.
Those things are pretty day all lass. The full charge
will get you made about twenty minutes one way. Thank you, statue.
I'm glad to talk to you. No, I understand you,
I understand you. Oh ship, my bad. Alright, thought I
(29:55):
was talking to that statue. I talked to you every
day before the show. Hey you you're familiar with global warming? Yeah,
all right, look knock it off here, listen, I'm trying.
I'm trying to say about two friends. My two friends
(30:15):
got taken up up. Man. What I'm doing? Man? I
need I need every electronic welded together so I can
get on board of spaceships to help my friends. What
is this? What the hell is a prairie parry with them?
It's a prairie parent. Look, you know what you're under arrest.
(30:37):
You're under arrest. What the hell I'll make goddamn sure,
but I'm making the citizen's arrest and that's okay man
being a dick. You know, I got a ship that
radio shock. I'm the only one who works radio shocking.
Goddamn you West right now, So I gotta I need you.
I need your help, all right? Are you gonna help
me or not? You're insane, man, crazy is hell, But
(31:01):
you did right. I'm gonna help you. Look, you're asking
me to build you a spaceship to shoot you up
into space and find your friends. Maybe, is that what
I'm guessing. Yeah, that's exactly it. Alright, Look, if you're
asking me to do that with the rcy cars I
got in the twelve pack of ourselves, I mean I
might be able to fix something up in thirty minutes.
All right, I'm gonna use this time to go visit
missing you know, Jimmy June's wife. I was that that
(31:22):
woman who keept wailing around the city center on that
ringing her hands and all like theatrical like, yeah, that
woman was distressed removing an No come on, but you've
been pleading with us for the last hour to that
(31:44):
was my friend Ralph. I like it. Oh, this is
unprecedented for us. This is never happened. Um, okay, look
look we'll put his in yours as well. Wow, oh
my god. Hey, now hey, now, how's that for you?
(32:06):
Is that working out all right? You know, once it
gets in there, it feels just a home. You know
who I've been to college. We feel like we know you.
We have been studying you. Our statue has been doing
recon for years. A little great dude, here's a question
(32:26):
for you're regarding the statue. My my hat's off to you.
That's brilliant. People standing from it confess all kind of ship.
But in terms of the probe and how exactly are
you extracting information about our our human race through our
anal canal. You've heard of your redwood trees. How you
count the rings to know more about them and the age?
(32:50):
It is similar. We can learn so much about you
by the ridges and canals in your anal area. So
you coming through the Colonel Canal region. Yes, you're telling
me tree in my asshole. Yes, that's what he's telling you.
(33:12):
Oh god, hey, missy, Oh my god, ho, how are you?
Heymeric me give me Oh, it's good to see you.
Oh my gosh, listen, listen. I got a couple of
things I gotta tell you. Do you know where Jim
John is? Yeah? I do where. I'm not sure about that.
(33:33):
He's in space or at least up in the sky.
Have you ever seen the movie arm again? Bruce willis Yeah,
seeing that? No close, baby, want to miss things? Navy,
(33:57):
you want to go, Christie. I don't know the rest
of it, but about and then that one part where
they got Steve and he's just like, I've no taxes
or whatever. Owen Wilson is in there too. He dies
in that. Owen Wilson is right. I didn't remember him
(34:20):
in there. Owen Wilson is in there too. Oh and
there is the part where they put animal crackers on
her chest. It is funny. We love that film. Okay, yeah, listen. Uh.
Follow up question, tell me if you thought Michael Clark
(34:41):
Duncan's work in that picture was okay? We enjoy Mr
Clark Duncan and Steve Bush emmy right. Can you explain,
even from an alien position that fails teeth to me,
what's going on there? That's my bad? We need Did
(35:02):
you make him? We did? We created him based on
what we thought would be attractive features to humans. We
were rugged. You gave him British teeth. We did from
like the fourteenth century, yeah, like pre dental work. All right,
you got the contraption I do? Yeah? Hey, um, this
(35:26):
is weird. Do you have a VHS of Armageddon? Yeah?
Why is that like the last missing component you need
to get this thing fired up or what? Yes, it is,
holy sh it. I actually got two copies. Yeah, I
just need one, but so I had I had one right,
(35:47):
And then you know Missy Jimmy June's wife. Yes, yeah,
don't you know the lady we described earlier. Yeah, he
was distressed. She's going through a lot right now. So
she also the copy right, but it wasn't like it
wasn't in a recently copy. I mean it was, but
it was from a video rental store to she and
never return. So as a memento of me going on
(36:09):
this mission, she gave me her copy right. So I
got one here with the original movie jacket on it. Awesome.
I don't wanted a clear case from a video rental
store store and as long as they play armor, getting
that's either one. So I just everyone you think will
be the true you know to send me up in
the you tell me man like. As long as they
both work, I'm going right, I should tell you this
(36:30):
is my journey after all. That's right. I'm going with
the one Missy gave me. All right, all right, let's
see and put it in. And you're sucking smart, oh ship,
this is a problem. This movie was not rewound. Okay,
we're about three furs into the film. All right, we
(36:51):
only got one shot at this. Maybe are you ready?
And that's into today comes us from batter that's b. A. D. R. Better,
(37:11):
who wrote High Alchemists love the show very much, perhaps
too much. My suggestion is one of you is hypnotized
to talk in a different accent every time he hears
the trigger word. The problem is that he doesn't know
what the trigger word is. Have fun, better, Larry, can
we get the reports back from Scottsdale when you get
(37:33):
a mental please? Yeah? You want that for the Iron Works?
I do? I do, of course. Tina, you had something
from Phoenix that we were going to take a look
at it. Do you need the overhead projector for that? Yes? Please?
All right, Steve, can you set up the overhead projector?
Please be set it up to I know how to
do it. I'm just afraid of it. Please, now, come
(37:56):
on this I'm happy to do saying I can't do it.
I am just afraid of it. Yeah, well, if you're
scared of it, you don't have to do it. That's
like when I thought you were only afraid of it
till you were about twenty years old, and then everything
was fine again. Yeah, twenty one. So it's very new,
it's very recent, you know what I mean. Well, I'm
(38:20):
not allowed to do it. I'm just saying I can't
do it. Okay, again, it's ready to go. Okay, Okay,
take her away? About the lights? Yeah, hit the lights,
hit the light phoenix. Okay. So actually we don't need
the overhead projector for this. I just wanted to see
if it would work. So is this just kind of
more of an oral presentation? Um? Basically, yeah, you can
(38:44):
do the lights on. Just unplug the projector. Okay. Um, so,
as you can see from the numbers, I just stop
my tel wieling this stupid projector away. Okay. Um, so
let me see that hold on, that's that's a bone. Well,
(39:04):
can I get the lights on? Trying to fix this bone?
Lights on? Okay, well this is bad. You can keep going.
I just sorry, I just okay. So the numbers from Phoenix, um,
everyone should be getting a piece of paper. And you
can see that the numbers are odd, and so there
are some even numbers in there as well. Hurt. Yes,
(39:26):
And basically we found that the more we talked to people,
the more data we get. All right, thanks very much
data for that report. Appreciate You're welcome. And she was
gonna come to Scottsdale for us. I wasn't quite sure
about a Scottsdale was going to be reported on as well.
(39:50):
Can I get it someone? I think I might have
been the one that was supposed to do that, but
I actually wasn't prepared to speak today on it. Uh, Sean.
We asked everyone to be able to report today in
Scott's Dale was your area? So if you could just
snuck up a little quicker than I expected, a fine.
Anyone want to give us Tempe Tempe? Actually I'll do
(40:13):
Tempe in scotts if you don't mind. Uh. I don't
mean to jump in shot, but I don't think anyone.
We just want to get you know what, Sean? You
had your shot. We scared the pooch dumped dumped to come,
let's let it go? Yes? Is that English turn of phrase?
So what we have here and Scott's Dale and Tempe,
we actually got parallel numbers, which is fantastic. Okay, so
(40:35):
we're seeing growth in in all the sectors that we're doing,
so just put pressure on it, pression. So for Scott's
so right now we got about seven of the island
that we have at our own storehouses or rown through Tempy.
I would say we're on the same thing. It's about percent,
so there's to be growth that we had there. But
we all know that Temple is going to be our
(40:55):
proxy site, so it's not our main sellers, right, So
that's that's it's really good news knowing that we got
the numbers flowing back. So I don't think they can
should hear you at all, Sean Sean, you're done, dude.
Thanks for the coffee. Sean, Uh, I didn't really appreciate
you stepping on my time in there, man, that was
(41:17):
a little appropriate. Well, first of all, I've been working
on the Scottsdale stuff for a long time. I just
needed to get some power porn slides finished up, and
you kind of marched on my stuff. And secondly, you
weren't even using your microphone. It's a one way piece, man,
it's a speaker, so it doesn't matter. Everybody couldn't hear
anything you were saying. Well, that's not my problem, Okay, Sean,
(41:40):
I wasn't supposed to be talking about Scottsdale, but I
did anyway. All right, and look let me tell something now,
I want to take your job. Okay, you're gonna take
my job, damn right. I just didn't that fucking boardroom,
and I'm gonna do it on in the sales room too.
All right, you're slipping up, my man. You didn't know
you're supposed to present today. That fucking meeting was on
the billboard outside everybody's meeting when I just figured with
(42:03):
the letter S it would take a long time to
get to me. But I didn't think it was gonna
happen today. If we're going in alphabetical order, what are
they said we were, Sean, who the hell said we were? Well?
What kind of order were you thinking we'd go in?
There's six of us. I think it would just go
whoever was seated around they point to us to speak. Well,
that's not. That wasn't clear to me. You know, hey,
(42:26):
Sean John, I'm coming Sean. Um what dude, you're you
went viral? What what? I have a coffee, per Sehan,
I have a coffee. Oh my god, that's me. Oh
(42:47):
my god, Marie, it's that fucking Oh my god, dude,
that fucking viral guy. You're the guy who could like
ship the bed during his board business. Okay, show me
this video. I have kind it in corporate America. Oh
my fucking what are you talking about, man, Marie? Oh
(43:12):
my god, look who it is. Viral dude you are
Oh my god. I saw you because my mom showed
me the viral video and she doesn't even understand how
the internet works. Oh my god. She's in hospital. She's
in hospice. She's in hospice because she didn't get the internet.
Oh fuck, this is weird. I mean, all right, nobody
(43:37):
leaves the conference room. Sean's buddy was discovered completely. Oh
my god, wait, who are you overjective? I need a
bigger chair. I need a bigger chair up please. Mostly
(43:58):
I was just been handed a temperate account, but previously
I was is it detective in training in the funds anyways,
one of you is the suspect, obviously because you are
envied Sean once he went, well, I think it was
him because he's because during the East did you did
(44:22):
you see the video that went viral? Yes? If him
failing is the presentage? Hello, yes, yeah, but like but
he's the one that stepped on his toes and speaking
of toes, I had injured my toe. There was no
way I was doing any killing, you know what I mean.
But it's probably him, is Roger with the toe issue,
(44:43):
Although Roger, I gotta tell you, when we're on the
zone and you stopped pointing, we don't know who you're
pointing it. We've got different positions, each one of us
within our own zooms, and you're pointing like for of
your appointing at Tina. Could he was accusing all of
us we all killed Sean in all ways? Well, he's
(45:04):
probably not like using you because we don't really know you,
you know what I mean, Like you kind of just
showed up as an outside person today, no offense. So
maybe he was, yeah, like blaming the rest of us,
though you can attest me. Yeah, I don't know. There's
no way to know. There's really no way to know. No, ma'am,
(45:24):
I'm sorry there. I mean, there are no royalties from
a viral video. I don't know what to tell you.
I am sorry about your husband's loss, but there, I mean,
there's no money to be gained. But this is YouTube
dot com. Am I right that that is correct? So
you think you owe me a check? Ma'm I don't
owe you anything that I mean, what do you want
(45:45):
me to say? I mean, there's somebody else what you know?
What when I snapped my fingers and from the rest
of your life, every time you hear a snap, you're
gonna switch accents? Goodbye? What the hell? What the hell?
Oh my god? Hi, Sorry, I came into YouTube dot com.
I have a question. I'm trying to find a video. Um,
(46:08):
it's a video of a monkey kind of like climbing
around and he smells another monkey's butt hole and then
he kind of falls over. Where do I find that
on YouTube dot com? Just search monkey sniffs buttle passes out. Um,
I got it? Thank you so much? Come what you wheel? Come?
(46:29):
Are you making fun of my speech impediment? Not? Okay?
Well I will be writing a very bad YELP review
about it. Just why is everyone coming to kissing a
service in person. That's wondering where I find Rano Tan
(46:50):
cleans arm picked with his shovel. I'm not familiar with
it one, And what's up with all these these primi
videos on you just sitch it? How you sitched it?
Have you looked the promise? Look, I'm just look at
my computer screen. Yeah do you mean do I go
(47:11):
outside and then just look around for it? Oh my god,
I fucking hate my job. I don't look my look
look at my screen here. Yeah, I'm gonna type in.
How do I think? What do you mean? How do
you look at it? When the fund is this Jesus Christ,
I'm talking into the phone and you're asking me to
look into your computer. Get off the phone, get all
(47:32):
the look at me. So step away from the phone.
Just place, for the love of God, please help me.
There's a long line behind you. There's a long line.
I need you to put the fine down and listen
to me. Right, but this is the wronging thing. Cleans
his arm, pretoy shovel. It's the funniest fucking thing you
ever see. My I believe you, I've ever seen it. Look,
(47:56):
we're gonna have to let you go man, this accent
ship is disturbing, weird, and frankly not entertaining. So what
do you mean this is what we're talking about? You
worked for three years, yeah, and at the sound good like,
we just don't understand what happened to you. Again, I
was cursed by a woman. She snapped her fingers instead
(48:19):
every time I snap my fingers, or actually, anytime, what
the hell you say? Look, anytime I hear snap my
voice change. That's pretty this is true. Let's see. So
you go ahead and just tell me a story. Right,
I'm gonna tell you a story. Uh, there was a
tiny little guy outside of New York City and he
wanted to, uh always do the thing that I don't.
(48:42):
But the only problem is that, and that is exactly
why Why does my story change when I'm staying a
different action? Why I can't the same story? Maybe you're
channeling individuals people who was good that you're still fired?
But that was that was good? Just like that. Hey man,
(49:08):
I really and I heard your stories and they're fantastic.
I think you've got a real one man show quality.
So I'd love to produce your show man. Yeah, yep,
I sheer wood. You know I don't. I got a
lot of money laying around, so let me, let me,
let me fund you Sure this is sound shanty at all?
(49:28):
You got it. I'm a shitty I'm Steve Bushemy man.
You know I'm I'm I'm I'm full of a character,
actor created by aliens. Oh you're an actor? Yeah, I
think I'm known. Anyways, I got an empty feeted down
in Tempy right now, were in a deep impact? Fuck
(49:51):
you man, that's in the other one. I got space dementia.
I gotta stage here, Tempy. If we can set up
a run of your show, you can work shopping here
and then take it on Broadway. All right, all right?
Deep back then movie? Okay, I didn't see it. Man,
(50:12):
you can see you on a movie that I wasn't in.
You know, I'm starting to regret funding this. Hey, James,
thanks for meeting me for lunch. Um, so what did
you wanna talk to me about it? And you know,
feel free to speak openly. It's it's it's just you
and me and um, if there's something else going on,
(50:36):
you know, let me know, let me know what's what's
in your mind. I mean, honestly, it's a lot that's
been going on. I feel kind of disconnected from my
friend and family, right. I just feel like you called
this sit down for a reason. Yeah, I definitely. I
just want you to feel you know, you're you're you're
with friends, you can speak up speak you know. I
(50:57):
appreciate that. You know you're always been a shoulder. I well,
you've been older, and uh, it's just crazy, you know,
since I've been cursed, and since I've seen wild success
for my one man show, in my live albums and movies.
And let's talk about the word you're using here. Cursed. Yeah,
do you think that's what it is? You cursed? You
(51:18):
really believe you were cursed? And it's not something people. Yeah,
a woman cursed me. She snapped her finger and she
said a curse. I was an incantation. I'm I'm fucked.
Some woman just snapped her finger and you were fucked?
Is that what? Yeah? And then I just right doing
this ship. What do you mean? What do you mean?
What do they mean? Right? She snapped her fingers and
(51:41):
you were cursed? Yes? Okay, yes, and you see what
I'm saying, James, Oh my god, I don't have to
do what she said. No, you don't curse. It's no curse.
She gave you a suggestion and you yes and yourself
into a fucking bucket. My god, right, I'm sick. Oh
(52:02):
my god. If you're sick, what kind of sick? Like
a sweet sweetheart? Pull up your phone. This guy's about
to throw up. Oh my god, this is so funny.
This is so funny. I'm gonna ship do this YouTube
video of this guy joking. Look, fuck, And that's our
(52:26):
show for today. Yeah, let's nank your alchemists. And this
particular order, James, which number cup coffee? Do you suppose
that is for today? It is just like two or
east by jug? It's second jug. The containers are getting
bigger and more obscure. Which one is that? This is
(52:50):
a thirty two ounce growler. So I got sixty four
ounces of coffee and you put your you make your
own coffee and put it in there, or you buy that. Yeah, no,
I make my own coffee and put it in there. Okay.
And if folks wanted to, uh, say, sign you up
to cameo where you made videos and they paid you
of you making this coffee and drinking it, was that
(53:11):
something you'd be open to? Yeah? I could do it
twice a day. Okay, cool? Well, thanks very much for
being with us today. Appreciate that, Caroline Connor, and thank
you as well. You're welcome. Uh and thanks again for
the invite for all of us to come to your
place to do the show next Wednesday. Very excited about that. Yeah,
(53:32):
whenever you want. It's small and I have a crazy bunny.
So is the bunny Okay? Oh so when you say no,
you actually mean not dead, but still not as fun
as I'd like and acting kind of weird. So I
think not as fun as the important part. Yeah, because
(53:53):
I mean, what is the point of a bunny if
not to be fun? Is the Is the bundy moving
one ft one paw? No, he's kind of flopped down,
like on his side, you know what I mean? James?
Can you look up real quick? Bunny on its side
or flopped I got sight of bunny. Yeah, it's gonna
(54:15):
be a little different, uh, James, thank you? Please call Stratton. Yeah,
thanks for having me again. Um, guys, we need to
get to the bottom of Sean's killer. We never solved
as murders, so people want to write in with their
fan theories. Maybe we can get to the bottom of it.
Please write your fan theories your name here and talk
(54:38):
dot com. We would love to hear your fan theories.
Thank you for that. There you go and look up
sketch Fest on the Instagram for shows, previous shows to
watch and to donate. Yeah, thanks, definitely do that please.
Christoph Varado, so nice to have you back. It's nice
to be here. I'm I don't know who killed Sean,
but I know what's gonna kill James, and that's sixty
(54:59):
fo ounces a fucking cat of coffee. Dude, that's I
just want to ask, do you do you know that's
a lot of coffee? Um, you know, all right, well
this is not the intervention, but it's coming. Four ounces okay, Yeah,
let's Carolina, you googling six couldnapen? Now, that's throughout the
(55:26):
course of the day. That's not in It shouldn't It
shouldn't be sixty four ounces still the course of a week.
It should be like a cup, maybe two cups max. Yeah,
it's like a bonus fourth scene. Study studies some death
drinking four more cups of coffee per day could significantly
raise your risk of dying. Well, sorry, everybody, tales people
(55:51):
get sixty four ounces of coffee a day. Just truck drivers, uh,
Joey gret anything to add before parting? Oh man, I
just I just want the best for James, like everyone does,
crazy and anyone else who's like doing the same thing
to look how happy he is, though, Don't you want
to be that happy right before you die. I've seen
people yak out of her mind, look that happy, but
(56:13):
inside they're screaming. All right, it's not now. What's on
the outside that's I start to sweat all over my body.
It's weird. You don't talk about it. It isn't us
talking about it. It's the anxiety that's being induced by
the amount of caffeine that's pumping through your body. James's
last show. Everybody right to save James at Save James
(56:37):
dot com. Let's thank Doug Baym, Engineering producer to the Star.
I heart media. I'm your host, reminding you to please
wear a mask every time you leave your home and
look out for each other. If we don't watch each
other's back, what is the point? Damn it? Until next time?
(57:06):
All right, what's your show without? He's fine
Welcome back to another episode ab Altomys COVID nine edition.
I am your host, Kevin Pollo Kiss. That's Kevin poll
Do I like you? Sure? I mean why wouldn't mean?
It's like have you done any into? I mean, look
out behind you, sucker, But I digress. Let's mean, alchemist,
(00:26):
shall we no particular order? Sell you? Lord of Chris
Alvarado Rods and Bob's What is the one activity you
still yearn to try? Well? Growing up in southern California
and also working in Hawaii for eight months, I've surfed
(00:47):
a bunch, but never actually really served. Yeah, I mean
one here or there, But it just seems like all
the time I've spent in the water trying to surf,
I would love to give it one more go before
him too old to stand up. So if any of
our listeners out there are surf instructors, please write to
the podcast at your name here at alcimy this dot
(01:08):
com and we'll put you guys in touch because it
would be great. And I think maybe a little instruction
is the only thing uh currently surfing between you and
getting up Perhaps UH say hello too, well, let's say
James Heeney Jimmy two cents, best advice you've received. Um,
(01:30):
the only person you need to be happy with is
the person that you look in the mirror at. And
as long as you're happy with that person, then your
life will be full of joy. Am I the only
one who when they look in the mirror doesn't see
the devil? I see the devil? Yeah, when I look
at you? Right, how would you mentions? I don't know.
(01:57):
I don't think you You got it right? It's fine, fine,
look out, it's Caroline Cartter cater Oh favorite store to pooping?
And why you've got to have a favorite? Everyone does? Um? Well,
it used to be afraid of toilets until I was
like older, like this sound they made when they were flushing,
(02:18):
until what age? Probably? Yes, that is such a great
comical answer. So once I got over that, I can
kind of drop one anywhere. Um, So you don't have
a favorite the mall? Like for me, it's nostrums for sure. Um,
I think any not at the mall, but anywhere where
(02:39):
I'm getting paid, you know what I mean? Nope, Like
if it's like I'm working and I had to ship,
I like to do that because I'm on the clock.
You know what I mean, pop on the clock? Yeah, sure,
I think we can all appreciate pooping on the clock.
Speaking of which, everybody, it's cold. Stratton realized, Yeah, I
(03:01):
had a segue and there's only one of you left
before we got to the usual Joey position, which I
think you all know is asked backwards. Um, I don't
understand any of that. Yep, South and or North Cole
weirdest vacation, Oh man, Um, yeah, I mean maybe just okay.
(03:22):
One time years ago, we were supposed to go to
Vegas and it was so cold the flight got canceled
last second, and then I know, it's bizarre, and so
then after sitting in the airport for several hours, they
finally like are putting people's in hotels and they're like, no,
we live here. So we just got a credit and
just had a staycation for two days instead of going there.
(03:42):
That's a winner in anyone's book as strange vacations. And last,
but may his tennis balls bounce off your thighs if
you think him least it's Joey Greer creep show. What
do you like to do in the off season? Oh man? Well,
number one, there is no off season. Uh so you're
I'm training year round? Uh that either you mean it's go,
(04:07):
go go. But when I do have an opportunity to
rest and and my medical team it's like, hey, you
need to take some time off. I think that I
recommend this to everybody. You make a stone tomb and
then you crawl inside and there's small blocks in there
that you can ship me up past your shoulders, and
I think we'll know where this is going. And uh,
(04:29):
you just you just meditate, you're, you're, you're, you're in there,
and you'd be surprised how long you can survive. I
think we would. We would be surprised. And back to
your medical team for just a second. Just the four, Yeah,
still just the four. So just the four All all
of them used to work with Land's Armstrong, so they're
just like they're great. Juice, juice and more juice. All right,
(04:51):
let's do a damn show. Almost all of our scene
suggestions to gather from our listener emails. Please submit yours
by writing the podcast that your name here at all
communi dot com. That's your name here. See Number one
comes from super fan Tim, who wrote High Alchemists. I
hope you're all doing well and staying safe. I'm a
(05:11):
longtime listener and big fan of the podcast James Stop Reading.
I recently watched an episode of Drunk History about Agatha Christie.
Shout out to Craig, who was wonderful in the series
and whose microphone broken is not with us today? Wow?
How did the person know that? And would love to
see the Alchemists play out a murder mystery. Allah, get
(05:32):
the Christie. I don't care how you do the scene,
but I envisioned Joey playing a Southern woman like in
the Seance episode. You're all the best, Tim Gilmore, thank you. Tim. Now,
I'm sorry, but I did request a larger cabin. Now,
I understand things might be differently you and Charlie. Oh
(05:54):
you know. But what I'm from it, Louisiana, we treat
a will right right, which is why you have this
particular cabin, ma'am. It was all set up ahead of side,
so you just need to register if you'd like a
different cabin. Re register on a train that's moving already. Son,
(06:15):
I don't think you understand it. I need a bigger cabin.
Yeah alright, Well, so when you say bigger, what are
we talking about here exactly twice as I want a
cabin the size of a house. So you want a toilet?
What you like toilet in your cabin? Well, yeah, yes
I want to I thought you meant the size. Give
(06:38):
the lady what she wants. Oh my, oh my part.
This is money I'm holding here. That's for you. No, ma'am,
not you, ma'am. You here you go. Oh my, what
(07:04):
a gentleman harassing people that are below your stage. Help me?
Don't don't pay that, No, don't pay that, no mind,
pay that, no mind. What's your name, ma'am? What's your name? Man? Someone?
I think someone tapped my my name. Someone might be
(07:24):
My name is Marjorie marjorin. Pleasure to meet you, pleasure
to meet you? My name? Are you familiar with majorin? Oh? Yes,
you own a lot of the estates down south. Now
you might know me. You might have hurt me. Sure,
I mean you probably recognize me. I won't even introduce
myself if you recognize me. Do you recognize me? Of
course I recognize you. The famous movie star Jean Chano Beijing.
(07:55):
My father was Frank Chime, obviously American. Oh, I'm so
sorry you've caught me while I'm cleaning my hands up.
There's no way that we can get a bigger cabin.
If it were any bigger, our train wouldn't go through
the tunnels. They've created the maximum sized cabin for a train.
(08:17):
It just makes sense to you. And it doesn't matter
how much money there is. This is as big as
the cabin can get. I explained that to the lady
and she just actually wanted three bathrooms in her cabin.
What am I to do? It is just not possible.
It is just not possible to get three bathrooms in
a cabin. Ask you a question. We've not worked together
(08:40):
before on a train. Are you new to the business
in general? I'm not new to the business, but I'm
very familiar. There's only so long a train cab can be,
and only so wide. If it's too long, it won't
take curves. If it's too wide, it won't go through tunnels.
Speaking of what we're speaking of, won't take curves. Where
(09:02):
are you from? Originally, let me close the store all
the way, I haet to wash these hands off. I
was looking on the fuz bathroom. Yes, fantastic, Yes, I
(09:27):
am leaving a small hamlet in England. I was so
living a crime. Yes, I mean I'm hooking. I think
you know everyone knows how I don't need that. Did
you want to get on the train. No, I mean
I'm on the train, am I not? Don't train? I
was on the hooking about this fan and fan You
(09:54):
please to introduce my safe Joan b people that you
see if there's a whole zesuit of a lot. My
son's act is just saying, of course, I know obviously
as the Englishman, you're asking for attention to one. Uh
did you either of you wish to go to your cabin? Ah? Yes, yes,
(10:15):
covin as well. Wow, people keep trying to stab me.
I keep thinking I'm dying, but here I am waking
up alive as a day I was born. Yeah, we
should go to our cabin and then maybe a nightcap
(10:38):
drink or another. If you care to investigate these screams
and hollars. It's coming from the coach train cars, so
you know, not what important to us I would investigate.
I'm on vacation, but it seems that they'll wake up
is never done. Pay no attention to those screams, Mrs Marjorie.
(11:03):
They're coming from the coach cabin. Oh my feet they hurt.
So when I was a young girl and I broken
by kicking trees and now my feed roll broken up,
and it's kind of hard for me to fit into
my heels, but I I stuff them in. You should do?
Should do you stucked into those? Yes? How you have
(11:23):
a seat? Have a seat, Charlie, Charlie, come in here.
Why this is my son? Charlie? Rub this woman's feet? Oh? Dad, come,
this is nasty. Do wish if you want your allowance.
I don't want my allowance. I want a new dad.
And I don't want to go to take your son
to work day every freaking day. Ma'am, you have bark
(11:45):
stuck to your feet. I know. Why do I mind
me at home? Here's the jar of Marjorie? Why don't
you rub that on my face? What the hell, Marjorie?
Just do it with my brand of marjarine. It's called
Marjorie that this is so gross? Oh? What is that?
(12:10):
Someone someone screaming? Okay, don't be as smart as Anthony.
She asked, you asked what was that? Don't say my name?
You don't. You're supposed call me Anthony anymore? You supposed
to call me a boy. That's my nickname. This this
little fucker. Watch Ladybird one dime and I watch Engage
his name. Maybe I should go to another it's a
(12:32):
great film. Yeah, hello John, Hello, Hello, Hello, my grandson,
Charlie Anthony. It is so nice to see you. Oh
my gosh, how do you do sir? Thank you? Yes, son,
I know that we are not normally on speaking terms,
(12:54):
but I heard you are on this train car. So
I had to come here to try to patch up sheep.
Not interesting? So should I just go to my cabin
there's a lot of family. Okay, up, we'll leave it
in there. It's all right, it's meld in my bounds.
(13:16):
At its point, all the lights just turned off. Oh
my god. Switch when someone was trying to kill me,
I had a switch, I had the lights. Anybody would
calm down. Somebody hit a switch. I don't know who
it was me it was Angelica Hanson, not that one. Oh,
(13:39):
just so that everyone knows, this is a one way
microphone that goes to your cabins. There's been a series
of stabbing. Fortunately, what is going on? Which way does
the mic go? It just goes spot in case anybody's
wondering it just goes one way. Microphones don't sell sound
(14:01):
back out, what the hell the speaker over it to
be a speaker? Who the hell was on? You are
so smart? You're so smart? Yeah, well, I feel like this.
I feel like other people in the train might have
had the same thought of like, what do you mean
one way to my room? Please ask your ask your grandfather?
(14:22):
Why the hell am I asking him? He hasn't better
in our life? And yeah, nothing ever happens on these trains.
You just let people go to the seats, go over cabins.
And I said that nothing happens. It's one of the
most chill jobs. You can take a ship the entire
rode and you're telling your job. The fact that they
got on is it is half of your job. And
(14:43):
then when the train stops, there's nothing to porto. May
I trouble you to not suggest that all the employers
take a ship. I mean it's not now. There's not
enough toilets for everyone at the same time, could you
mention that in your little diet tribe please next time? Yeah,
(15:04):
all right, have you ship yet today? By the way,
I'm actually fairly irregular. I am I squeeze it out
probably once a week. It's gonna upping your fiber. Yeah.
I tried that. I tried it. It didn't really work.
Could you check on that please. It seems like my
(15:24):
passengers are dying than usual. Strange. Yeah, let make go chat. Yeah,
maybe take the car out of your face before you go.
All right? All right, all right, what's the meaning of this?
Why are you putting us all in the same room together?
Have to see which fan of you is possibly tequila? Hm? Well,
(15:48):
I was with miss Marjorie. Yeah, and I was. That's
not true. That's not true. What he wasn't with me
the whole time. That seems to be some conflicting that
that it is not me because I am also a funge.
And you know this goes as as saying, you know
(16:09):
that I would be in this sent In fact, I
would help you, I would shadow you. Indeed, I do
want to say that my mother, his wife, died under
unusual circumstances, So I don't think he should be put
me off the table. She was killed by a horse
unusually noticed to you're familiar with this mounts wine. That
(16:34):
was okay, So there's a little confusion and maybe I'm
the only one is confused, you know, but I am.
Let's go with that, suspect one. Okay for doing that,
You're suspect one, Okay, so busy least. I think it's
it's it's very I think it's very unusual that the
(16:54):
train conductor did that whole microphone thing. That seems like,
you know, I think that was well. Botomy thinks that
was a guest. Botom thinks that was the trained conductor.
I once they weren't in the round. I don't know
where they were, but I do have several pieces of
evidence which I want to bring forth right now. But
you're still one of those suspects. You're still number one. Okay.
(17:18):
If you look, you and everything else was unusual. So
does that make me the primes you speak to? Prime
Suspect number one? Is there actually a body? We keep
here on screams? But there's never been a body discovered.
It's far as I know. Well, there's things that can
we discover that you think you all Body number one,
(17:43):
don't do what you said. No, I'm going to wrap
it up. I have it figured out, but nobody seems
to want to hear it. Didn't know what fuck it.
Who can seriously who I'm on vacation? You know? Probably
that little did it boy here. I'm not thank you
for calling me by my name. First of all, I
(18:05):
probably did it. Okay, it's probably people and coach that
did it to each other. I am not going back there.
I had to figure it out. If one would love
to hear you recap the entirety of this playing ride
and shout how you deducted everyway thing. Don't leave any
details out none, shall it be you. It's the first
(18:27):
thing that made me suspicious was when I entered the
train and the British ticket man had dust over his eyes.
I thought to me, would say, why is that? Maybe
he first sneezed in all over the place, but on
the first inspection he was sleeping underneath a man who
has very dry shits, and that is in fact the
fical matter of another patron on trying. Secondly, I came
(18:50):
across the family. I need subtitles for what he's saying.
I don't understand. Apologious down and grandfathers are all booted
to train. So the grandfather was a know notice a
far town crownd song. He boughted the train to show
them that he wanted to reckinnew the love of a family, Hey, boys,
(19:12):
or rejects that because he wants to have a career
in new music. Jean, you don't accept that lifestyle. And
even so he might be violent in tone, he's a
very patient man. So it leads me to Marjorie marjor
Ron me yes SAMs hell from a louisianail. No one
(19:40):
would expect such a beautiful woman coming from such a
faraway place to look at beautifully England. That's just a vacation.
Why would somebody leave such temporary cremate to come to
such a true deer place. I wanted to say the world,
maybe maybe you're running away from your murders. Isn't it
(20:04):
true that you were looking for a bigger cabin. Yes,
the truth is that's one confronted that your cabin could
be the size of the train. Conductor, I wanted to
let you know that there's been a series of violence
and murder, and coach that we're going to detach the
last I'd say, anyone first class to come up towards
the front of the train. It's going to be detaching
(20:26):
in thirty seconds. Okay, well, let's let's hurdly yup before
let's finish it up when we get up there. So
let's just what you're going to detach the other train
cards from the train who you're talking the conductor again,
it's one way microphone. Unfortunately, put microphone in the man
(20:53):
so many people in this room. I just thought he
was one of the people in this room. I didn't
realize it was coming through the sounds and one goes
one way. So he does have a delightful podcast that
he does over the train as it goes. So okay,
some things I would like to hear anyway, A long
study shot. Oh. I was looking around the area where
(21:19):
I first held the screams of someone being adult and
on my inspection I found a small piece of bark.
Would you mind sharing yourself for nake? Let me get
to the front, as this man not forgive me. I
am inspect the clues and I have questions for you
(21:39):
for me, Yes, what is your I think everyone on
the train knows you do not buy a ticket. Sometimes
gifts are given, and the ticket is a gift. One
I could be talked by the way as you don't
gold the li to me I knew of the stop.
(22:02):
Does anyone know what they're saying, because I haven't understood
a damn word in the past two hours. I had
the sent it total. But what you must know is
this is a delightful mashup. I am very happy, so
just let it play out. You'll know about when someone
is in the handcoffs one C two const Patroon vmpd
(22:28):
Von who wrote high Kevin, I was thrilled to hear
you do My last scene suggestion, the one where I
took my wife, who does not like improv, to one
of your shows and she was called on stage, which
was based on me actually taking her to your San
Francisco Sketch Fest live show. I listened to it with
her and she wanted me to make sure to tell
you all she did, in fact enjoy the live show.
(22:50):
My next scene suggestion a group of people making a
hoax crop circle run into aliens who are in the
process of making a real crop circle. Thanks for all
the last Devon. After listening to the most recent episode,
I realized aliens are kind of a cliche in improv,
and you probably don't want any more suggestions involving aliens,
(23:11):
So instead, how about the premier of an all new
whacking Major League Sports. Thanks again? Alright, so what has done? Yeah,
that's two emails smashed into one, and he corrected himself
after listening to the show and realized we had had
too many aliens suggestions. I personally liked the crop duct
(23:32):
Churchill mishappen, So let's go with that one, Devon. I
just wanted to read all that you wrote and thank
you for writing in um to us. We appreciate their
Jimmy June, Jimmy Jane, what would you please not you?
John and jim and June Jimmy June, Jimmy June, would
you would you get me that lighter fluid again? Because
(23:52):
I need to make this patch a little wider here
you go, appreciate that ship. When are we gonna get
a break? The Sun's gonna be up soon. I don't know.
We've been doing this for like the whole damn night.
I told my wife I'd be home for dinner. Now
I'm I'm gonna be home for breakfast. I don't remember
a time we weren't doing this, y'all. Y'all two are
(24:15):
losing sight of how funny this is gonna be. Yeah,
but funny to who people in an airplane. I mean,
can they even see what the hell we're doing from
the ground? Sure, ken think about that. The best kind
of comedy is the ones where you don't hear the laughter,
stop talking, and start burning. Okay, that's some sort of
(24:37):
third level. I just don't understand. He's not he's not
home for dinner, he's not home for breakfast. I just,
I mean, my mind goes crazy and it's you know,
I start thinking of different things that he could be doing,
and I just don't want to believe it because I
know it's not true. I know he's a good man.
He's a good man. Okay, Well for listening to my statue, U,
(25:03):
I'm so kind to listen to me every time I
come buy a town square? Who is here? So I'll
just put a coin next to your foot? And all right,
so you see, I don't like to have to explain
the goddamn joke to you, but to get it now,
isn't that funny? It's so funny. It's a funny, but
it's a thinker where I don't laugh, which is kind
(25:26):
of the best kind, right, because who the hell wants
it's easy to laugh? Right? Sure, I'm sure we do
this kind of thing when I knock it off, knock
it off. I ain't asking you for your artistic interpretation
of my joke. What I am asking you is to
finish burning this crop circle. So that so that what
(25:47):
the hell is that? What the hell? What is happening,
Jimmy John June June? Is that your stomach? Yeah, I'm hungry,
but I don't know if that's what's making it too.
It sounds like a horse. Oh, there's something over yonder there.
Take a look, look you go, there's there's Look, go
look what I'm looking. I'm going. I'm going, I'm going
(26:12):
get off me stop probing my anle? Oh my god?
Should I go? Look? I think that's okay. I'm gonna
go over there. All right, okay, all right back, I'll
be right back. Hello, what you're telling me? You went
(26:41):
down to Jack roaches farm, he started burning up his
crops to make a crop circle, and in doing so,
you're two dumbass friends got abducted by Ellen. Now you
want me to believe that? Yes, sir, Yes, I know,
I know it sounds hard to believe. Hell, I don't
know if you could tell that I was setting of
(27:02):
a joke, you know what I mean? What what was
the joke when you setting went up, when you came in.
What are you talking about? Well, the whole idea is
that it was going to be a fake crop circle,
and then people would think it's a real crop Circle's fake.
And first off, you're burning crops, you understand. You do
it with a board and string to bend the crops
(27:22):
so they don't snap in a real burning fields. Right. Well, listen,
that's not a here nor there sheriff. The point is
I lost two of my best boys, all right, So
you want to start a missing person's case and I
want to, and I want the authority to do citizens
arrests if you can. I want you to knight me
(27:44):
or whatever it takes. I want the authority that when
I get out of Son, I ain't gonna deputize it
just because you come in here smelling a goddamn lighter
fluid things that I'm gonna give you a gun and
a badge to do the lord's work. No know, it's done,
do you understand? Yeah? Global translator on, I have brought
(28:05):
two up to this ship. I've got a good Sorry,
I don't I gotta get home. To my wife. I
haven't been home in a couple of days. She's a
little old cuckoo. So if I don't get home, she's well,
they couldn't help, but notice that you guys were prairie
pairing a ring ball court team playing a game of
(28:30):
ring ball. Hey, why don't we start by you taking
these things out of our animal canales and then we
can have a proper conversation. How about that you can
keep to test for performance enhancing drugs seep Jimmie June's
And that's fine, but my concentration is being thrown by
this activity in my butt. Well, we promise you that
(28:50):
when you are ready to play a sport against us,
that we will remove the anal proofs. Can I ask
a real quick question please? I mean, I've never been
in a space it before, so kudos, it's bitching, But
is there something that's turning your regular voice into a
voice we can understand? And if that's true, is there
some sort of dial that we can adjust so it
(29:11):
doesn't sound so whiny and puny? I do not believe.
So it is a global translator? Where'd you get it from?
Radio shock? Because we have a local store down here
that's a lot better than that. Maybe you might want
to Yeah, well, I mean right now, I got a
twelve pack of Dursels I can give you for about
(29:32):
I'm he's twenty bucks, but I mean it's a tel
plack of Dursels, so it's it's pretty good. And those
are c cars over there right by the front door.
Those things are pretty day all lass. The full charge
will get you made about twenty minutes one way. Thank you, statue.
I'm glad to talk to you. No, I understand you,
I understand you. Oh ship, my bad. Alright, thought I
(29:55):
was talking to that statue. I talked to you every
day before the show. Hey you you're familiar with global warming? Yeah,
all right, look knock it off here, listen, I'm trying.
I'm trying to say about two friends. My two friends
(30:15):
got taken up up. Man. What I'm doing? Man? I
need I need every electronic welded together so I can
get on board of spaceships to help my friends. What
is this? What the hell is a prairie parry with them?
It's a prairie parent. Look, you know what you're under arrest.
(30:37):
You're under arrest. What the hell I'll make goddamn sure,
but I'm making the citizen's arrest and that's okay man
being a dick. You know, I got a ship that
radio shock. I'm the only one who works radio shocking.
Goddamn you West right now, So I gotta I need you.
I need your help, all right? Are you gonna help
me or not? You're insane, man, crazy is hell, But
(31:01):
you did right. I'm gonna help you. Look, you're asking
me to build you a spaceship to shoot you up
into space and find your friends. Maybe, is that what
I'm guessing. Yeah, that's exactly it. Alright, Look, if you're
asking me to do that with the rcy cars I
got in the twelve pack of ourselves, I mean I
might be able to fix something up in thirty minutes.
All right, I'm gonna use this time to go visit
missing you know, Jimmy June's wife. I was that that
(31:22):
woman who keept wailing around the city center on that
ringing her hands and all like theatrical like, yeah, that
woman was distressed removing an No come on, but you've
been pleading with us for the last hour to that
(31:44):
was my friend Ralph. I like it. Oh, this is
unprecedented for us. This is never happened. Um, okay, look
look we'll put his in yours as well. Wow, oh
my god. Hey, now hey, now, how's that for you?
(32:06):
Is that working out all right? You know, once it
gets in there, it feels just a home. You know
who I've been to college. We feel like we know you.
We have been studying you. Our statue has been doing
recon for years. A little great dude, here's a question
(32:26):
for you're regarding the statue. My my hat's off to you.
That's brilliant. People standing from it confess all kind of ship.
But in terms of the probe and how exactly are
you extracting information about our our human race through our
anal canal. You've heard of your redwood trees. How you
count the rings to know more about them and the age?
(32:50):
It is similar. We can learn so much about you
by the ridges and canals in your anal area. So
you coming through the Colonel Canal region. Yes, you're telling
me tree in my asshole. Yes, that's what he's telling you.
(33:12):
Oh god, hey, missy, Oh my god, ho, how are you?
Heymeric me give me Oh, it's good to see you.
Oh my gosh, listen, listen. I got a couple of
things I gotta tell you. Do you know where Jim
John is? Yeah? I do where. I'm not sure about that.
(33:33):
He's in space or at least up in the sky.
Have you ever seen the movie arm again? Bruce willis Yeah,
seeing that? No close, baby, want to miss things? Navy,
(33:57):
you want to go, Christie. I don't know the rest
of it, but about and then that one part where
they got Steve and he's just like, I've no taxes
or whatever. Owen Wilson is in there too. He dies
in that. Owen Wilson is right. I didn't remember him
(34:20):
in there. Owen Wilson is in there too. Oh and
there is the part where they put animal crackers on
her chest. It is funny. We love that film. Okay, yeah, listen. Uh.
Follow up question, tell me if you thought Michael Clark
(34:41):
Duncan's work in that picture was okay? We enjoy Mr
Clark Duncan and Steve Bush emmy right. Can you explain,
even from an alien position that fails teeth to me,
what's going on there? That's my bad? We need Did
(35:02):
you make him? We did? We created him based on
what we thought would be attractive features to humans. We
were rugged. You gave him British teeth. We did from
like the fourteenth century, yeah, like pre dental work. All right,
you got the contraption I do? Yeah? Hey, um, this
(35:26):
is weird. Do you have a VHS of Armageddon? Yeah?
Why is that like the last missing component you need
to get this thing fired up or what? Yes, it is,
holy sh it. I actually got two copies. Yeah, I
just need one, but so I had I had one right,
(35:47):
And then you know Missy Jimmy June's wife. Yes, yeah,
don't you know the lady we described earlier. Yeah, he
was distressed. She's going through a lot right now. So
she also the copy right, but it wasn't like it
wasn't in a recently copy. I mean it was, but
it was from a video rental store to she and
never return. So as a memento of me going on
(36:09):
this mission, she gave me her copy right. So I
got one here with the original movie jacket on it. Awesome.
I don't wanted a clear case from a video rental
store store and as long as they play armor, getting
that's either one. So I just everyone you think will
be the true you know to send me up in
the you tell me man like. As long as they
both work, I'm going right, I should tell you this
(36:30):
is my journey after all. That's right. I'm going with
the one Missy gave me. All right, all right, let's
see and put it in. And you're sucking smart, oh ship,
this is a problem. This movie was not rewound. Okay,
we're about three furs into the film. All right, we
(36:51):
only got one shot at this. Maybe are you ready?
And that's into today comes us from batter that's b. A. D. R. Better,
(37:11):
who wrote High Alchemists love the show very much, perhaps
too much. My suggestion is one of you is hypnotized
to talk in a different accent every time he hears
the trigger word. The problem is that he doesn't know
what the trigger word is. Have fun, better, Larry, can
we get the reports back from Scottsdale when you get
(37:33):
a mental please? Yeah? You want that for the Iron Works?
I do? I do, of course. Tina, you had something
from Phoenix that we were going to take a look
at it. Do you need the overhead projector for that? Yes? Please?
All right, Steve, can you set up the overhead projector?
Please be set it up to I know how to
do it. I'm just afraid of it. Please, now, come
(37:56):
on this I'm happy to do saying I can't do it.
I am just afraid of it. Yeah, well, if you're
scared of it, you don't have to do it. That's
like when I thought you were only afraid of it
till you were about twenty years old, and then everything
was fine again. Yeah, twenty one. So it's very new,
it's very recent, you know what I mean. Well, I'm
(38:20):
not allowed to do it. I'm just saying I can't
do it. Okay, again, it's ready to go. Okay, Okay,
take her away? About the lights? Yeah, hit the lights,
hit the light phoenix. Okay. So actually we don't need
the overhead projector for this. I just wanted to see
if it would work. So is this just kind of
more of an oral presentation? Um? Basically, yeah, you can
(38:44):
do the lights on. Just unplug the projector. Okay. Um, so,
as you can see from the numbers, I just stop
my tel wieling this stupid projector away. Okay. Um, so
let me see that hold on, that's that's a bone. Well,
(39:04):
can I get the lights on? Trying to fix this bone?
Lights on? Okay, well this is bad. You can keep going.
I just sorry, I just okay. So the numbers from Phoenix, um,
everyone should be getting a piece of paper. And you
can see that the numbers are odd, and so there
are some even numbers in there as well. Hurt. Yes,
(39:26):
And basically we found that the more we talked to people,
the more data we get. All right, thanks very much
data for that report. Appreciate You're welcome. And she was
gonna come to Scottsdale for us. I wasn't quite sure
about a Scottsdale was going to be reported on as well.
(39:50):
Can I get it someone? I think I might have
been the one that was supposed to do that, but
I actually wasn't prepared to speak today on it. Uh, Sean.
We asked everyone to be able to report today in
Scott's Dale was your area? So if you could just
snuck up a little quicker than I expected, a fine.
Anyone want to give us Tempe Tempe? Actually I'll do
(40:13):
Tempe in scotts if you don't mind. Uh. I don't
mean to jump in shot, but I don't think anyone.
We just want to get you know what, Sean? You
had your shot. We scared the pooch dumped dumped to come,
let's let it go? Yes? Is that English turn of phrase?
So what we have here and Scott's Dale and Tempe,
we actually got parallel numbers, which is fantastic. Okay, so
(40:35):
we're seeing growth in in all the sectors that we're doing,
so just put pressure on it, pression. So for Scott's
so right now we got about seven of the island
that we have at our own storehouses or rown through Tempy.
I would say we're on the same thing. It's about percent,
so there's to be growth that we had there. But
we all know that Temple is going to be our
(40:55):
proxy site, so it's not our main sellers, right, So
that's that's it's really good news knowing that we got
the numbers flowing back. So I don't think they can
should hear you at all, Sean Sean, you're done, dude.
Thanks for the coffee. Sean, Uh, I didn't really appreciate
you stepping on my time in there, man, that was
(41:17):
a little appropriate. Well, first of all, I've been working
on the Scottsdale stuff for a long time. I just
needed to get some power porn slides finished up, and
you kind of marched on my stuff. And secondly, you
weren't even using your microphone. It's a one way piece, man,
it's a speaker, so it doesn't matter. Everybody couldn't hear
anything you were saying. Well, that's not my problem, Okay, Sean,
(41:40):
I wasn't supposed to be talking about Scottsdale, but I
did anyway. All right, and look let me tell something now,
I want to take your job. Okay, you're gonna take
my job, damn right. I just didn't that fucking boardroom,
and I'm gonna do it on in the sales room too.
All right, you're slipping up, my man. You didn't know
you're supposed to present today. That fucking meeting was on
the billboard outside everybody's meeting when I just figured with
(42:03):
the letter S it would take a long time to
get to me. But I didn't think it was gonna
happen today. If we're going in alphabetical order, what are
they said we were, Sean, who the hell said we were? Well?
What kind of order were you thinking we'd go in?
There's six of us. I think it would just go
whoever was seated around they point to us to speak. Well,
that's not. That wasn't clear to me. You know, hey,
(42:26):
Sean John, I'm coming Sean. Um what dude, you're you
went viral? What what? I have a coffee, per Sehan,
I have a coffee. Oh my god, that's me. Oh
(42:47):
my god, Marie, it's that fucking Oh my god, dude,
that fucking viral guy. You're the guy who could like
ship the bed during his board business. Okay, show me
this video. I have kind it in corporate America. Oh
my fucking what are you talking about, man, Marie? Oh
(43:12):
my god, look who it is. Viral dude you are
Oh my god. I saw you because my mom showed
me the viral video and she doesn't even understand how
the internet works. Oh my god. She's in hospital. She's
in hospice. She's in hospice because she didn't get the internet.
Oh fuck, this is weird. I mean, all right, nobody
(43:37):
leaves the conference room. Sean's buddy was discovered completely. Oh
my god, wait, who are you overjective? I need a
bigger chair. I need a bigger chair up please. Mostly
(43:58):
I was just been handed a temperate account, but previously
I was is it detective in training in the funds anyways,
one of you is the suspect, obviously because you are
envied Sean once he went, well, I think it was
him because he's because during the East did you did
(44:22):
you see the video that went viral? Yes? If him
failing is the presentage? Hello, yes, yeah, but like but
he's the one that stepped on his toes and speaking
of toes, I had injured my toe. There was no
way I was doing any killing, you know what I mean.
But it's probably him, is Roger with the toe issue,
(44:43):
Although Roger, I gotta tell you, when we're on the
zone and you stopped pointing, we don't know who you're
pointing it. We've got different positions, each one of us
within our own zooms, and you're pointing like for of
your appointing at Tina. Could he was accusing all of
us we all killed Sean in all ways? Well, he's
(45:04):
probably not like using you because we don't really know you,
you know what I mean, Like you kind of just
showed up as an outside person today, no offense. So
maybe he was, yeah, like blaming the rest of us,
though you can attest me. Yeah, I don't know. There's
no way to know. There's really no way to know. No, ma'am,
(45:24):
I'm sorry there. I mean, there are no royalties from
a viral video. I don't know what to tell you.
I am sorry about your husband's loss, but there, I mean,
there's no money to be gained. But this is YouTube
dot com. Am I right that that is correct? So
you think you owe me a check? Ma'm I don't
owe you anything that I mean, what do you want
(45:45):
me to say? I mean, there's somebody else what you know?
What when I snapped my fingers and from the rest
of your life, every time you hear a snap, you're
gonna switch accents? Goodbye? What the hell? What the hell?
Oh my god? Hi, Sorry, I came into YouTube dot com.
I have a question. I'm trying to find a video. Um,
(46:08):
it's a video of a monkey kind of like climbing
around and he smells another monkey's butt hole and then
he kind of falls over. Where do I find that
on YouTube dot com? Just search monkey sniffs buttle passes out. Um,
I got it? Thank you so much? Come what you wheel? Come?
(46:29):
Are you making fun of my speech impediment? Not? Okay?
Well I will be writing a very bad YELP review
about it. Just why is everyone coming to kissing a
service in person. That's wondering where I find Rano Tan
(46:50):
cleans arm picked with his shovel. I'm not familiar with
it one, And what's up with all these these primi
videos on you just sitch it? How you sitched it?
Have you looked the promise? Look, I'm just look at
my computer screen. Yeah do you mean do I go
(47:11):
outside and then just look around for it? Oh my god,
I fucking hate my job. I don't look my look
look at my screen here. Yeah, I'm gonna type in.
How do I think? What do you mean? How do
you look at it? When the fund is this Jesus Christ,
I'm talking into the phone and you're asking me to
look into your computer. Get off the phone, get all
(47:32):
the look at me. So step away from the phone.
Just place, for the love of God, please help me.
There's a long line behind you. There's a long line.
I need you to put the fine down and listen
to me. Right, but this is the wronging thing. Cleans
his arm, pretoy shovel. It's the funniest fucking thing you
ever see. My I believe you, I've ever seen it. Look,
(47:56):
we're gonna have to let you go man, this accent
ship is disturbing, weird, and frankly not entertaining. So what
do you mean this is what we're talking about? You
worked for three years, yeah, and at the sound good like,
we just don't understand what happened to you. Again, I
was cursed by a woman. She snapped her fingers instead
(48:19):
every time I snap my fingers, or actually, anytime, what
the hell you say? Look, anytime I hear snap my
voice change. That's pretty this is true. Let's see. So
you go ahead and just tell me a story. Right,
I'm gonna tell you a story. Uh, there was a
tiny little guy outside of New York City and he
wanted to, uh always do the thing that I don't.
(48:42):
But the only problem is that, and that is exactly
why Why does my story change when I'm staying a
different action? Why I can't the same story? Maybe you're
channeling individuals people who was good that you're still fired?
But that was that was good? Just like that. Hey man,
(49:08):
I really and I heard your stories and they're fantastic.
I think you've got a real one man show quality.
So I'd love to produce your show man. Yeah, yep,
I sheer wood. You know I don't. I got a
lot of money laying around, so let me, let me,
let me fund you Sure this is sound shanty at all?
(49:28):
You got it. I'm a shitty I'm Steve Bushemy man.
You know I'm I'm I'm I'm full of a character,
actor created by aliens. Oh you're an actor? Yeah, I
think I'm known. Anyways, I got an empty feeted down
in Tempy right now, were in a deep impact? Fuck
(49:51):
you man, that's in the other one. I got space dementia.
I gotta stage here, Tempy. If we can set up
a run of your show, you can work shopping here
and then take it on Broadway. All right, all right?
Deep back then movie? Okay, I didn't see it. Man,
(50:12):
you can see you on a movie that I wasn't in.
You know, I'm starting to regret funding this. Hey, James,
thanks for meeting me for lunch. Um, so what did
you wanna talk to me about it? And you know,
feel free to speak openly. It's it's it's just you
and me and um, if there's something else going on,
(50:36):
you know, let me know, let me know what's what's
in your mind. I mean, honestly, it's a lot that's
been going on. I feel kind of disconnected from my
friend and family, right. I just feel like you called
this sit down for a reason. Yeah, I definitely. I
just want you to feel you know, you're you're you're
with friends, you can speak up speak you know. I
(50:57):
appreciate that. You know you're always been a shoulder. I well,
you've been older, and uh, it's just crazy, you know,
since I've been cursed, and since I've seen wild success
for my one man show, in my live albums and movies.
And let's talk about the word you're using here. Cursed. Yeah,
do you think that's what it is? You cursed? You
(51:18):
really believe you were cursed? And it's not something people. Yeah,
a woman cursed me. She snapped her finger and she
said a curse. I was an incantation. I'm I'm fucked.
Some woman just snapped her finger and you were fucked?
Is that what? Yeah? And then I just right doing
this ship. What do you mean? What do you mean?
What do they mean? Right? She snapped her fingers and
(51:41):
you were cursed? Yes? Okay, yes, and you see what
I'm saying, James, Oh my god, I don't have to
do what she said. No, you don't curse. It's no curse.
She gave you a suggestion and you yes and yourself
into a fucking bucket. My god, right, I'm sick. Oh
(52:02):
my god. If you're sick, what kind of sick? Like
a sweet sweetheart? Pull up your phone. This guy's about
to throw up. Oh my god, this is so funny.
This is so funny. I'm gonna ship do this YouTube
video of this guy joking. Look, fuck, And that's our
(52:26):
show for today. Yeah, let's nank your alchemists. And this
particular order, James, which number cup coffee? Do you suppose
that is for today? It is just like two or
east by jug? It's second jug. The containers are getting
bigger and more obscure. Which one is that? This is
(52:50):
a thirty two ounce growler. So I got sixty four
ounces of coffee and you put your you make your
own coffee and put it in there, or you buy that. Yeah, no,
I make my own coffee and put it in there. Okay.
And if folks wanted to, uh, say, sign you up
to cameo where you made videos and they paid you
of you making this coffee and drinking it, was that
(53:11):
something you'd be open to? Yeah? I could do it
twice a day. Okay, cool? Well, thanks very much for
being with us today. Appreciate that, Caroline Connor, and thank
you as well. You're welcome. Uh and thanks again for
the invite for all of us to come to your
place to do the show next Wednesday. Very excited about that. Yeah,
(53:32):
whenever you want. It's small and I have a crazy bunny.
So is the bunny Okay? Oh so when you say no,
you actually mean not dead, but still not as fun
as I'd like and acting kind of weird. So I
think not as fun as the important part. Yeah, because
(53:53):
I mean, what is the point of a bunny if
not to be fun? Is the Is the bundy moving
one ft one paw? No, he's kind of flopped down,
like on his side, you know what I mean? James?
Can you look up real quick? Bunny on its side
or flopped I got sight of bunny. Yeah, it's gonna
(54:15):
be a little different, uh, James, thank you? Please call Stratton. Yeah,
thanks for having me again. Um, guys, we need to
get to the bottom of Sean's killer. We never solved
as murders, so people want to write in with their
fan theories. Maybe we can get to the bottom of it.
Please write your fan theories your name here and talk
(54:38):
dot com. We would love to hear your fan theories.
Thank you for that. There you go and look up
sketch Fest on the Instagram for shows, previous shows to
watch and to donate. Yeah, thanks, definitely do that please.
Christoph Varado, so nice to have you back. It's nice
to be here. I'm I don't know who killed Sean,
but I know what's gonna kill James, and that's sixty
(54:59):
fo ounces a fucking cat of coffee. Dude, that's I
just want to ask, do you do you know that's
a lot of coffee? Um, you know, all right, well
this is not the intervention, but it's coming. Four ounces okay, Yeah,
let's Carolina, you googling six couldnapen? Now, that's throughout the
(55:26):
course of the day. That's not in It shouldn't It
shouldn't be sixty four ounces still the course of a week.
It should be like a cup, maybe two cups max. Yeah,
it's like a bonus fourth scene. Study studies some death
drinking four more cups of coffee per day could significantly
raise your risk of dying. Well, sorry, everybody, tales people
(55:51):
get sixty four ounces of coffee a day. Just truck drivers, uh,
Joey gret anything to add before parting? Oh man, I
just I just want the best for James, like everyone does,
crazy and anyone else who's like doing the same thing
to look how happy he is, though, Don't you want
to be that happy right before you die. I've seen
people yak out of her mind, look that happy, but
(56:13):
inside they're screaming. All right, it's not now. What's on
the outside that's I start to sweat all over my body.
It's weird. You don't talk about it. It isn't us
talking about it. It's the anxiety that's being induced by
the amount of caffeine that's pumping through your body. James's
last show. Everybody right to save James at Save James
(56:37):
dot com. Let's thank Doug Baym, Engineering producer to the Star.
I heart media. I'm your host, reminding you to please
wear a mask every time you leave your home and
look out for each other. If we don't watch each
other's back, what is the point? Damn it? Until next time?
(57:06):
All right, what's your show without? He's fine
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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