July 9, 2019 • 51 mins
A lot of questions and a ton of concerns when nerds go camping… A group of Scooby-Do type ragamuffins try to solve a mystery in Australia… Creepy pets of annoying roommates plan a mutiny.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This cold Stratton
here filling in once again for Kevin Pollock, who was
off doing reshoots on the Santa Claus For Cupid does
Monte Carlo? Let's meet our alchemists for today. A lady
who always knows where Carmen san Diego is, Vanessa Ragland.
What kind of a gum shoe are you? Oh, sticky?
(00:26):
That makes sense. Next, a guy with a lifelong band
at Red Robin Joey Greer, Joe, What in the world
did you do with that burger joint? I legally I
can talk about it. We're still in litigation, okay, respectful?
It makes sense. A man who was seriously let down
by great expectations. Mark Gagliard, Hello, Mark, What school assigned
book did you actually dig? Growing up? The My favorites
(00:49):
were the Bear and Stained Bears books, and then I
stopped right after those. I stopped reading entirely once chapters
were introduced. No, thank you, thank cover it all with
the Bears? Yeah they did? Which which universe? Did you
read them? In? The barn? Same Bears? Are they up? Next?
The only witness to who let the dogs out? Brad Norman,
(01:12):
who was it Brad who let him out? You know, honestly,
I want to blame the government. I want to blame
the moral compass political you know, we all lest we
are the dogs, and we all let ourselves out. I
don't know, I'm pretty drunk. And finally she wore wide
after Labor Day and no one said anything. Caroline Cotter, Caroline,
(01:37):
what's your favorite holiday? Labor Day? Nice? Yeah, it's easy
for me. The only one I recognize all year long,
A big one. Let's get to our first scene. All
of today's scene suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails.
If you'd like to submit yours, please write to the
podcast at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
(01:58):
That's your name here at give me this dot com.
Our first scene comes from Chris, who wrote, I just
wanted to say love the show. I always listen right
away on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I think you've all made
me laugh cry at some point, so I won't single
anyone out. But Chris Alvarado not being able to do
accents is funny by itself. Okay, that's what gets me. Okay,
(02:25):
how about Nerds go Camping? Or maybe just another episode
of time plane. I hope you will never stop. Best
Chris from Silver Spring, Maryland or empty I think it's Maryland. Right,
there's a doctor. There's a doctor. All right, look, okay,
everyone just just stop moving for a goddamn alright, just
(02:48):
just all right. We're gonna chop some wood. We're gonna
go down to the river. We're gonna fish some fish.
We're gonna get some water. Okay, desalinize it, all right, yes,
all right? Why is there salling in the river because
look there's a saaling plan up up river and stump
salling down the crystal. Don't worry about it. It's a
good thing. Okay, sailing can save your life. But we're
(03:11):
do you saling izing it? Well? You got to drink it, right,
scalp master Bob, Yeah, that's right. Can I just I
just want to confirm we do get badges that we
can take back to our God. Take your retainer out
for God. Check it out, I said, just the top
on my mouth, her teeth just look like a retainer.
We need to get our patches on this trap that's
(03:34):
going to happen, right, I'd love to try the fishing thing.
I brought a die here. Let me roll to see
if I'll catch one. I got a six. Let's get
a dexterity bonus. I don't think I'm going to snag
a fish today. I guarantee everybody is going to catch
a fish. You guarantee this guarantee, not certain that statistically
(03:56):
it's possible for everyone to catch a fish. I did
most of the algorithm. Head just now, Yeah, and he's correct. Yeah,
Bucky is correct. Thank you, Elliott, all R. Why don't
we get out of our heads. Let's get out of
our heads. Let's be in nature. Will we be in
nature for a little bit? Where do I plug this in? Nowhere?
You cannot plug an iPad in? Then anything? There's not
there's but there's outlets, chargers. I brought chargers. We can
(04:20):
just take a lay on here. And you're so resourceful,
please excited about being one with the nature? All R.
Let's break up into groups. Groups, Sean Christian, why don't
you guys go get the wood? And then why don't
we have I'm gonna call m Tito and alright, Crystal,
(04:44):
I'm gonna call you Chris. All right, Chris, why don't
you two go down and start hooking lines again? The
fishing pools. Ready, Okay, we're gonna go. So we're on wood.
We're gonna go get I don't get it. Direction, okay,
don't just stand there? Go right? All right? If you
(05:06):
follow up questions king the line and there's gonna be
some bait and then feed it through the hook, I understand.
I have it all here in my Scott book. I
don't need to just unrelated to Crystal's question, um, how
are we supposed to carry the wood back down here?
Once we have in your arms? Well, my doctor told
(05:30):
me I don't have muscles in my arms, so yeah,
like at all, at all. That's what he said on
my check up yesterday. That's true. She always just watches
gym class. Yeah, no muscles in your muscles. You can
see it's so thin the way they dangle, just bone
and skin. Oh my god, they are so thin and
don't touch me. It's just wanted to. Of course, I
(05:52):
boned some arms. What would it be. I wanted to
make sure there was something in there. I didn't. I
didn't know that there was. There was no muscles, there
was no bone, she'd have no shape. It It looks
like empty balloons. It looks like arm shape. Yeah, okay,
cutting Bucky, cutting Bucky. What's a big black furry thing
up in that tree? Oh my god, that is a
(06:14):
tree wolverine? Every what? Oh my god, snicked wolverine. Wolverine?
Hold on, hold on, I would look lookally, this is
mating season for the wolverine. Okay, so they are in
heat and they are angry. Don't scare Logan, everybody hang back.
Logan can adamantium claw to the guy. I don't know.
(06:35):
I think it's kind of pretty. Animals do something ugly
because they're tracking. It's just I don't know saying. I
thought it sounded go what you're saying. But I feel
like my eyes are closing. My eyes are closing. What
you are freaking out with? Analogy? I have a freaking out.
I'd keep a calm. I just need I need my
I need something. Keep someone for my backpack, drill? Oh,
(06:59):
every kind bene Okay, I'm not just gonna pass how
ben We're not gonna get high on benatrol to bring
enough for everyone. I have enough for everybody. She's the
only one with an allergic reaction. We're super allergic. Thank you,
thank you. I feel it working all right, now let's
(07:23):
get to it. Let's get do it. And you know
it's scot Master Bob. I volunteered to stay up and
watch the first watch okay, and volunteer. Tribute? Tribute? What
(07:46):
what is that? What is that? What the well? Come in?
It's it's a it's a reference to a series of
teen novels. Did in to someone's outside the tent. Let
me just see. Is it Logan the wolver I don't,
I don't. Oh my god, it's a little gift. It
looks like we have a Woods the admirer. This is fun.
(08:12):
Looks like there's a treasure. This is a sort of
structured activity. Okay, breaks of something that scouts put together.
I already greatly enjoy the problem solving an aspect. I'm
really good with maps. I'm a level thirty four paladins.
So let me give the map roll to see if
(08:34):
you're allowed to look at the map. You're right, you're right, right, Okay,
it's a good role. So, okay, we have a paladin.
I'm Christian. That's fun. Right, let's open up about ourselves.
Let's let's be open about so here, take this map.
Take a little look. Now there's a piece missing. I
don't know where it could be A piece of the map?
Is piece of the missing? Oh? Is it? What's in
your front pocket right there? Oh? Yeah, that is corner
(08:57):
of the map. We found it. Look at that we
were the piece of the map all along. That is
so sweet. Did you learn that on one of your
weird sex animal shows? Well, now, I've been trying to
apply my general intelligence to metaphors and literature and trying
in an attempt to get closer to communicate with people
on a regular basis. We should speak into I don't know. Okay, guys,
(09:23):
all right, so for your next question, uh, it looks
like we have a new group entering. All right, okay,
fun So this is going to be nineteen eighties trivia
about different shows and films and okay, so yeah, whoever
(09:45):
wants a beer? Just going to the bar here? So
the first question is what actor was in questions? Yes?
I did, Yes, I did, Okay, yes I did? What
actor was in the show? Alf, there's a lot of actors.
(10:08):
I'm gonna go to the bar and get a beer.
Can I don't know any of the names of him.
I don't know, just the one that looks at stinkiest.
Draw a mustache on me? Okay, I can't. Can someone
pick up my arm for me to draw? I think
I can put your finger, you can draw one. I
love that? So helpful. You alright, your blood mustache looks
(10:30):
really good. Excuse me, bartender, an adult person. I would
like two beers please, whichever is the stinkiest, the stinkiest.
You say, yeah, that's old. That's old thigh lift, old
thigh list. It's it's a multi multi lager. I'll take
(10:54):
two of them, all right, Sorry, little boy? What you
seem to have a blood muzzle? Uh? This is my
this is my man mustache? Oh two parts? All right?
You must be a grown up if you're drinking old
bye lift, have a great day. Okay. So I have
(11:14):
all the answers in and I have Martie's beer. Oh thanks,
thank you? Okay, and uh, team team number one? That
name name Crystal, and I could be team number one.
You're right with Sherman Krill? Can you read pretty sure
(11:38):
Sherman Krill is not an ALF? Do you have the
box set? Max? Right? Was it acceptable? Answer? Alf himself
was a good answer. Okay, Look, if you think you
can do this and won't you do it all right? Okay,
is that a real thing? Hey, I guess what, Brian, Brian,
I'm fucking done with this man. Okay, I'm done with
(11:58):
this alright. I'm out of this bar. All shucks. You
cannot be done with this bar. You were paid by
Thighmaster to get him out there. I'm the rep as
you know that will rep this up your ass. I'm
out of here, man. Hey, Woodland meeting, guys. I think
we can run this trivia game if we have to.
(12:18):
Maybe we can even take over the bar. Let's take
over this whole bar. I wish Logan the Wolverine was
here with this, making a heck of a lot easier.
Oh my god, there he is Logan the Wolverine, the
wolverine in the bar. God, he's eating everyone and everything.
(12:48):
Hey Logan, if I put a blood mustache on you,
will you go get some more beers? Okay? There you got?
All right? You know, guys, Can I just say this
has been a really magical camping trip, you know, and I,
for one, I'm super glad that it's been intermural. Yeah?
(13:10):
Oh my god, Okay, this worry hard? Thank god? Yeah,
that led here? Oh my god, there's wolverine here. He's
part of the troop. Now on our side. Get behind me,
na use your arms to flail on a way that
makes it think that there's more than one of your
guys muscles. She has bones, though she can't move, all right,
(13:31):
everyone just oh my god, Christian, you're bleeding bleeding from
your nose. Oh no, no, no, I just put on
a fake my sat so I could get some stinky
heres I did. That's man. My parents when they write
their review of this whole trip, we're going to talk
about how great you are letting us do all this stuff.
I appreciate that. I really do need that. And don't
worry about Logan. He's cool, all right, enough, said bub
(13:54):
He's a cool guy. Yeah, it's one thing I know
that the trust of a child to a rabbit animal.
That's a connect and the only nature has, and that's
a pure He ate him in one big bite. The
biologies are definitely Yeah. That released a lot of fur,
(14:15):
a whole lot of fur. YEA. I used to like
nature documentaries, but now that it's like all over me,
I don't know if I like him too. Realeah, what
happened the boys and girls? Scouts Club of America tonight
that we honor a Scout leader who had passed on
(14:35):
the line of duty, good Man good Land and representing
them here at the funeral services. Is his Scout Troop
one one eight. Yeah, Well, what's the prize? There's no well,
the prizes mortality, no one that we got an in.
(14:57):
That's the prize. What the hell? I have prepared a
few words sponsored by Old Thigh Lift. What is it? Well,
Scott Master Bob was well, he was my stepdad and
he wanted me to call him dad, but I didn't,
not until we buried what was left of him. And
(15:18):
I just want to thank him for being a man
of honesty, a man of valor, a man of courage,
and possibly not a man of foresight, because those kinds
of folks are more fun. Hold up, let me roll
to see how sad you are. You're pretty sad. That
was a natural anyway, we all learned an awful lot
about being in the woods and being armless, and I
(15:41):
have it's just no muscles. You always say I'm armless.
You're right. That was reductive. I'm sorry, you know, like
just overcoming challenges where I'm getting at, you know, and
and we want three hundred and seventy five dollars in
that tribute contest. So we split that evenly and we
donated it to uh Scott Master Bob's favorite charity. Yeah,
(16:06):
which I don't know why we decided to divide up evenly.
And then okay, we get that was maybe some extra math,
but I mean getting that math badge. Hey, how can
we never knew he was your stepdad? You never open
up to us like that? No, that was the last
step dads. That's nice work. My mom has a lot
(16:32):
of steps. Ce number two comes from Dane, who wrote
today from Australia Bloody Gallas Alchemy. This has become a
critical staple my week. Thank you all so much for
the endless bag of funny. I loved your takes on
our backwards ask country thus far, and I hope I
(16:53):
could request another. I'd like to hear the crew take
up roles as a crappy off brand Scooby Doo, gang
up into the Mystery Machine and drive into a supposed
haunted house in rural Australia to solve the mystery of
who drank all the bloody beer. Bonus points for reading
far deeper into the situation than it's called for, especially
if the locals are bewildered as to why you're even
there in the first place. Keep it coming, love Dame
(17:15):
from Newcastle and s W. I think that's New South Wales.
Not safe for work. It looks like your kids, Your
kids get filled these begs up quite good, didn't you.
You're going on some sort of adventure. Yeah we are, Yeah,
we are. And crookey, we have about reservations there you go,
(17:36):
reservations with no white not it not at the big
house up top of the mountain, now you little, Yeah,
I'll think we are. Yeah, we got reservations of their
Apparently there's a huge haunting going on there. It's not
letting anyone farm on the land, and it's causing the
land of decreasing value, and the bank's gonna season. If
we don't do that, then the locals are not gonna
(17:57):
have any food. Yeah, if we is so glad, I
put these newspapers right by the run of the right,
by the can check out stand. Mean, that's all right,
It's just maybe it's just someone trying to scare everybody off.
We're real estate stuff. Come on, Slaggy, this thing as
ghosts might be ghosts. Look at me, Look at me.
(18:24):
There's no such thing, hear me. Okay, you guys just
got some new talent from the little story down the road.
I was looking for the other stuff. They didn't have it,
so I got a new talent the stall down the
other by the way. You didn't want to vet your
what you're looking for? We got it right here in
(18:46):
this store. All your friends came into this store. Well,
I guess I was just wandering around in this stupid
bikini and one thing to another. I don't know, paper
like you going up to them. Hey, guys, I got
the mystery machine working again. We should probably head up
to the house by the way. Bummer. The only radio
station plays Walting Matilda over and over. You disparite song,
(19:06):
that's all rights watch him. I don't I don't think
I know it. Under the shade of a billet bound tree,
we saying always say anyway I did till is nobody
knows this song. I don't think I know it. Waltzing
Matilda Yolk. Wow, this place is huge. Yeah, this is
(19:28):
six levels and six levels. Suky, you're frightened. I don't
think so. I don't believe in the horrible things like
the piper. No, I don't. I believe in corruption though, well,
I believe in corruption. We just lost. Oh my god,
(19:49):
is that your retainers? Oh that's just how your teeth
look some day. Sorry, I'm late. You left me at
the store the earl Why, Oh my god? Sorry, sorry,
this is handsome man on? Oh my god. Sorry, even better,
(20:11):
I'm gonna walk the lawn. Miss jack Lanards just show
its aroma, spooky pro Jackie. Did he call you jack
Landard because you look like a pumpkin. I guess I'll
buy the taste dangling and the little candle and saw my,
you're just so. There's no charm here. Don't believe there's guys. Look,
(20:39):
there's no hat of Tanger Road giving birth everyone. That's
up to us to decide. Dang, let's divide up, even
though it makes sense for us to stay together. I'm
going to try to find a personality. I'll check this
room over here with steaming on. You can be on mine.
Hold on, Jackie, you go together, Slaggy, you and I
(21:01):
will go together, and you'll go solo. Right, bet is
there a pool? Because I don't want here to check
the pool. Who when did you take your top off? Whoops,
I didn't mean to d there's no pool. There as
a bit of a hog in the back a wog.
There's a bit of a wag in the back log pool.
(21:21):
But it's mother sounds nice check out of the wog
like though, maybe we should make me go to the
walk bug. Oh you're taking list you? Why why don't
you go with Jackie? I don't slagis sluggy? Why not?
(21:48):
I'm just an Australian beating it frist a juviy? How's
it made up? The little scrubbled dobbs? Whatever you say?
It's all safe? No not? Why when not? Fall like
a problem? Guys, you better get to a quick back
in America next week program. All right, let's up, let's
(22:09):
do it. La la la la la Niles. You know
what that means? Oh my god, no one else is
on my team. I'm here. Oh that's my wist favorite vowel.
(22:30):
Who goes there? Oh good night? Why are you just
wearing a bikinis? Just the battom? What I was? I'm
really not used to this, old man. It's a free country,
is it? Well? Mostly, I mean it's a parliamentary system
(22:51):
and somebody who's non corporal corporal. He might be a
little more corporal than he looks. I've got a feeling
that this ghost is nothing more than a man with
a sheet on it. What don't take the sheet off
my head? You got me? Yeah, you're just wearing bik
(23:14):
bottoms too. Yeah, I thought I was the only one.
You were just a guy all along, Yes, Slaggy, I
was just a guy all along. I don't know. If
you read the paper there was there's some shenanigans going
on down here with the with the real estate world.
I was trying to just you know, you know what.
I would have gone away with it too, if it well,
you know, if things hadn't happened badly. Actually, at this
(23:36):
point you've pretty much still gotten away with it well,
as long as you do keep your trap shut. Which
parts my chap jackie bikini bottom? Good thing I went
off by myself. I hope everybody else is having better
luck than I am. Oh, good day by day? What
the hell did you just say? How do you day?
(23:56):
How do I do? I don't know, I think I
do pretty well. See man, Max, Yes, I have you
like it? Not the first one. It's not good? Fuck you?
Am I not good? Well? Yeah, the rest are good,
but the first one is not great. I do fine.
We've been through this same man Mix. I'm not who's
on first thing this with you? Are you a ghost?
(24:19):
Lemon I? I do like lemonade any day? I define?
Oh wait, am I in some sort of purgatory loop?
Then I got to warn you I'm a gist. Okay,
a little of big things that happen in here. Okay,
he do you do? I do fine? I'm all sorry,
(24:39):
darst oh hello, Hi, HELLI I do okay, no, but insiety,
I said, Hi, I'm fine. I what my alright? Did
my two youngsters get as good at Scary Nosa kids
as as their old man? Did him really hard? All right?
(25:04):
I think we really told we told him we were
ghosts and we didn't back down. All right? Talk to
him about med mix? Did you You didn't do that
med Max loop? Did you? I interrupted it? Yeah? Right, yeah,
sy spooky spooky right? Yeah, clearly yeah, signed, but different.
You know, I kept telling him we were ghosts of
(25:25):
the problem seems to kangaroo stop giving babies. Yeah, And
I don't know what to do even putting mad inside it.
Let's see if it makes more babies. Just go strap
it down in the wabe. I'm sorry. I came home
from work and then here we're not doing anything on
toward right in the front door, and I see the root.
(25:48):
Is this pouch is peck for a mud? Yeah, it's
also pack full of mind from what I understand on
the inside. To them, you're talking about poop. No, are
you talking about actual mud? No. I'm sick and tired
of the games you play with our kids. That kangaroo
is bearing in our games. They are plans has plans. Yeah,
I got a plan. And look what's your plan that
(26:11):
kids have to go scaring? No, yeah, we wanted to
get rid of those American kids, that one kid. There's
also something about real estate we're doing. I don't know
what the skin him in that paper. He go right,
that's right here. Look it's on the front page. This
will makes sense, or we're gonna get that properly. We're
gonna make a beast parking lot of the cities. It's
(26:32):
see things lives is they will flat concrease. I've got
a huge car and I know where to pocket. Yeah,
I can't wait to part my mad Max charge out here.
(26:54):
I love men, come out here and play my guitar
that shoots fire woil wild. Yeah yeah, yeah yeah, so
be great. Underneath this concrete of this parking lot is
a layer of tears of environmentalists. A nice thinned liar,
(27:16):
just one liar, little beat, make a more cry. I'm
so seeing pets. I'm so excited. Let's give it a
walk to Matilda and celebration. There s my tail, won't
saying my tail? Sorry? This was the wall? Oh my gosh,
it's a lot. It's beautiful, like a couple of fils
(27:42):
on the wallaby that's not a wallaby, that's my good friend.
The windlowers on the reeds and mice on this place
(28:03):
is magical. You can take your sweater off? Are you sure?
I'm not wearing anything underneath? And it looks like I
have a dress on, but that's my body or called
the Hey, thank you? You know I like you if
it's Are you sure? I'm absolutely sure? Okay, I will, okay,
I'm gonna do it. Aldustralian Constable. Sweater us off at
(28:27):
the wall and I'll take my wrap off. It's a wrap.
I thought that was your body also sing like calls,
Oh my god. Okay, okay, on the count of three, ready,
don't take a wall to get it all? Okay, I
don't start turning at three if you hold on man, okay, sure, yeah,
I'll I guess I'll just do it. As soon as
(28:47):
you're almost done. I'll just take my sweater off so
that we will have kind of at the same time.
That's okay. It's a lot of guys. Okay, and okay,
(29:12):
Oh it's your friend, Hi, loot, thank you. Are you
talking about my my um hairy chest talking about your trap?
Excuse me? Let's talking about your trap? And when you
say trapped, just so I know what are you talking about? Oh,
and I'm like to get into it, but I'll take
(29:33):
a look for you. Oh, here's something I wish I
hadn't walked into it. It's like it's almost like, don't
come on. That was really bad when you say things
like that. I just found a clue. What the hell's
going on here? Um? I took off my clothes and
(29:54):
it's Harry underneath. I'm scrawled myself from some goals and
this is my form. This is my form. Okay, I'm
fine with this great, that's awesome. Cool. You know those
kids from from the Convenience still down there? Yeah? You
(30:18):
you forgot your dog? Oh oh god dog. What is
the kind of dog? It's like a like a brown
dog with spots. Yeah, it's uh we we have to
put it down. Yeah, yeah, all of them, all of
(30:38):
the appendages have gotten like gang green. So I have
to be amputated or you just drown them in the wall.
And that concludes mystery teens and erotic adventure. I don't
know about you, but as a contemporary work, this is
impactful as well as highly highly stimulating. Thoughts um, I
(31:06):
have one in the back question in the back, yes,
of course, question back uh, Mr Marshall, I love your work,
of course you do. And so that's not my question,
and that's not a question. I just wanted you to
know it wasn't my question, and I wanted to know
what I'm listening. And I've read all your books, thank you,
(31:28):
and I think they're fantastic, of course, and that's not
that's also not my question. That's not a question. So
what I wanted to get to was taking a lot
of time, and a lot of other people have questions
to should I wait or should I just go ahead
your question? Yeah? So my question is uh three a
three partter. Actually the answer to all three of your
(31:52):
questions is sexual energy. Yeah, the next question please? Oh
that was my question? Oh where will? Then? I hope
you all enjoyed my I have a question. Yes, of course,
I love your work. I guess that was it. I guess,
Thank you very much. That as not a question. I
(32:13):
would just like to end this reading with group waltzing
Matilda wal Our third scene comes from Ian, who wrote,
(32:39):
Hello Alchemy Crewe, thank you all for the wonderful product
you've created. It has been many times I've received odd
eyes from co workers or fellow students in the passing
hallway for truly laughing out loud. Your purgatory episode was
so goddamn funny. I had tears rolling down my cheeks.
I do have a scene suggestion based on one of
my three roommates. You see, all of us have at
least one pet, one chinchillas, one has a cat, and
(33:01):
the other a parrot. I, on the other hand, have
quite a few exotic pets, bugs, reptiles, and amphibians that
are a constant concern from my one roommate. He seems
to believe that, by some stroke of all my pets
are going to team up and take out him in
his hell cat. Please make this happen. Maybe you could
get the thirty dollars he owes me for last month's
water bill too. I don't know. I'll leave it up
(33:22):
to the professionals. Super simple, guys, you got all right.
I'm being a terrific cast and crew hilarious individuals. You're
truly audible, chocolate and true belly killers. Sincerely, I and
m ps. Keep your chin up, he need. Don't let
them get you Downmoji, he's not even that's the first
(33:42):
suggestion I've heard that doesn't sound like it has any
girls in it. Yeah, well, let's see what we can do.
But shut those animals off. No, shut the damn animals,
shut you shut. You're so freeing loud. Okay, I'll tell
(34:03):
my animals to shut up. Just stop yelling right outside
my door. Shut those animals up, Stephanie, Yes, do you
want to kill your roommates? Okay, guys, animals listen up,
snake bug bile of dirt, guys, because we can do
it if I want to do I know snake. Okay, guys,
(34:24):
this is crazy, and I know you asked me this
every day to see if you want to kill my
roommates guy. Today today I'm saying yes. But yes, you
guys just have to make sure that there's no effing
way this can get traced back to me. Okay, because
I am in a doctoral program. I've got to be
honest with you. This is going to be hard not
(34:45):
to trace it back to you if it's all of
your pets. Will be careful, we will careful. Careful okay, parrot,
thank you, no problem, thank you? Okay, so be careful. Yes,
don't Yeah, did my parent in your room? Don't say anything? Okay? Parent? Um? Monica, um,
(35:10):
I do. It's in my effing room. Okay, why because
it flew in here because you're fucking weird stiffing room
please dollar in No, I'm not putting it down in
dollar dollar up. You give me my parent that right off? Monica, Um,
please tell me that wasn't my parent that just told
me to fuck write off. Well, you know it wasn't
(35:31):
me because I cannot do voices. I know that, Tiffanie,
what do you want to stick kill your simon? Lagree
roommate Monica, Well, bring you her bones, guys. Stop. I
said I like bones once, and now you want to
bring me bones of all my David Moore what I
(35:55):
cannot pay rent or and it feels this month? Okay,
that's not okay. And you can open the door to
my room. You don't have to just yell right outside
the door. Animals are so freaking loud. I can't listen
to him. He's worthless flesh. And look, my chim chillas
are freaking out because you guys are so loud. Chill, hey, shirt,
(36:18):
she's got my parents in there. Are you kidding me?
Can you get my parent out? Shart? Yeah? If I
open the door, think you so loud? I can't. I
don't want to open the door because there's the freak
animals in there. They're not freak animals. They are freaking
freak animal And your doctoral program is not real? Oh
my god, is it's not real? It is reel. You
you're telling me that a doctoral program in how to
(36:40):
cross the street. It's not to say, yeah, that is
what I'm saying. Oh my god, f you what can
we kill? Shart and chills to our army? She's meat
they're all meat. Okay, guys, yes, I'm just saying, yes,
just make sure you don't get caught. Okay, promise not
(37:02):
only am I and I get nervous. No, Okay, I will. Okay,
it's in there. Okay, not only am I in a
doctoral program. But you guys also know that my dad
is a cop. Okay, so if he gets winned of this,
my ex partner, Yeah, my dad is your ex partner.
That's exactly right. When you had that television show McCaw
(37:27):
on the Law. Okay, cut, okay, McCaw. Where's the cause handler, Monica? Yes,
your your parent here. I don't know if we're gonna
be I don't know if I can say it's front
of the the animal. We're not gonna be able to
use the McCall anymore. What do you mean the mccau
it's it's not handled. We're gonna go for a younger McCall.
Please please, no police, no, please, no craft service, craft service.
(37:51):
My parent, my parents killed the audition, crushing a scene
where I get I just moved in with the daughter
of the guy that's playing the corn this up. I'm sorry.
We're gonna have to go for younger that's a hard fitten. Guys.
(38:13):
Wait was that on camera? What the hard? No? The
other part? Were you taping me? Well, I mean I
have a camera, craw phone me around? Yeah, what part
of what show? Is this? BTS? It's behind the scene?
What does that mean? Behind the scene? What does that mean?
It's for a YouTube channel? What's YouTube? YouTube is a
you're just kidding. I know what YouTube is? My parents
staying in the We're gonna have you in the New Pages,
(38:34):
New Pages trailer. He's hungry to work. I get that.
Episodes as younger Macca. I don't know what to tell you,
the young one cause being shipped down. I'm going to
meet him. You can't do that. You're not going to
meet the younger. I'd love to meet you just as
a fan. I'm not going to kill it that right there.
Good to see your baby. He could somebody give me
(38:57):
a coffee. He's just in the building. Yeah. Can we
just clear out the old trailer police, I'm just making
clear here. Good gott sign a conventions now, Hi, you
must be the old handler. I'm not old. You look
(39:20):
really old. Sorry, that's why. Oh my god, really, I
was going to guess sixty two Oh my god, why
would you say that to me? I'm just so shocked.
I couldn't lie. I'm twenty years old. How old are you?
Sixty two? I look right, you look really good. Thank you.
I mean, I guess knowing that I feel less bad
(39:40):
because you were thinking me as a contemporary and you
look like really good thank you. Um but yes, I
am okay, anyway, nice to meet you. My Oh wait,
you're a new handler. Yeah that's what I said. Oh.
I wasn't listening. I was just looking at you. Thank you.
I can we get this old woman out of here.
I'm twenty years old? Yeah I did not know that. Well, yeah,
(40:01):
you gotta go. We're not gonna look so old up.
Oh my god. Hi, are you the original bird handler
with the older bird that's no longer good anymore? Yeah? Yeah, okay,
I just have a little bit of paperwork tree to
finish up before we left you out. Huh how old
do you think? I'm sorry, can you speak up? How
old do you think? I am? Ma'am, ma'am. I really
(40:23):
don't listen. I don't really have time for all this.
I need you to fill out this paperwork so that
we can release you from the paperwork, claim zero, claim zero.
That's actually probably a good idea unless your bird is
a legal dependent. Yes, okay, well then maybe good Well
it depends on your you know what again, I what
(40:45):
it's a young but sure it is attractively monicam comes star.
We gotta break up? Why you can't? Not today, Tad,
not today. I'm sorry, I don't know what baby new. Look,
my band's gonna work out. Okay, just a smash mouth
(41:08):
is going to be something, all right? Anything? Whatever? You?
Oh my god, I am so sorry. Hey now now, now,
I just threw some rocks. I didn't mean anything to
hit you going for they alright, folks, no one's under arrest, alright.
(41:34):
We're just here to figure out what happened in this
domestic violence. Of you might be under one of you
might be, thank you, Tony. One of you might be
under arrest, depending on the story that we hear. Right now,
I asked you to please use Antonio. Excuse me, my
my friend. Officer Antonio would like to know who made
(41:57):
first contact here, who throw rocks in me? He threw
a rocket? You do hit me? Do you have any
of these rocks? Now? They're on the floor over here. Okay, Well,
we're going to need those evidence. Antonio talking cheek. There's
one stuck in your cheek. Man. We'll have to call
the A M T. S for that. This is an
(42:17):
emergency when you see an emergency medical situation requiring a technician.
All right, then we'll call them. I have a question,
is it? Is it now? Okay? For because he does
seem newly available for your macaw to become my new
police partner, providing he uses my full name. Yes, Antonio,
(42:39):
you're with me, now McCall, let's do this. I just
got a new call. I gotta ride out empt meeting thing.
Not a meeting, but we actually go going around. I
don't know I call the meetings. Yeah, what's up? All right?
I'm just what's up? You're so distant? Yeah, I just
had a Now what's up? Just what's up? I just
(42:59):
took an what's up? I just took a nap and
you woke me up in the middle of the nap.
I don't want to go do what wow stuff? We
saved lives. I don't. She's saying, you go out there
and you purposely kill people. Have you noticed how when
we go out together every time I'm assigned to the
(43:23):
person they die. Have you noticed that? And you never
thought to think it was on purpose? I thought that
you don't notice anything about me? So why do you
say anything? Wow, here we go, Here we go. Yeah,
we're gonna hold on that call. Yeah, so I don't
notice anything. Huh, you're wearing new shoes. Oh my god,
we definitely bring us the body. Okay, I'm trying. Don't
(43:49):
look at my bag. It's not full of animals. Look
if you tell me not looking at back full of
animals and dirt, and said, don't look at my bag,
it's not full animals. Do you want me to do that?
I said, don't do it. I don't tell me different
things saying don't do it. I'm saying the same thing
every time. And I want to say thank you for
noticing my shoes, thank you for noticing my new eyes. Yes,
(44:11):
I got two eyeball transplants. Great, thank you get minority report. Yes,
it's exactly like minority report us to see into the
due one from Monica and one from Shark. Yes, why
do you wish? What do you tell me to shush?
For nothing? I'm I'm not talking to my bag, Okay,
(44:33):
macaul Antonio. Great, this is gonna be good. You two
have finally done it. You got the mayor straight up
Marquist with your shenanigans. Do you have any respect for
the civilian life in this city, sir? We have respect
(44:54):
for the civilian lives in the city, of course we do.
But you know, sometimes a car chase just gets uh
out of our hands. Let me out here, McAll you
know what I mean, doing our best, doing our best?
Ye flew up the mayor's water Trump, how do you
blow up a water truck? Water truck in a drought?
Seems suspicious to me. Don't give me any of your
(45:15):
beat McCall and tontyo, what this is on you? How's
it on me? You're the superior officer here between you
and I. That's clear. Listen you to one more slip up,
one more casually questionably racistrom mark one public property damage.
(45:38):
She's having heart attacks? Shot off. Oh god, God, chief's
calling mt. We got another call. Oh, let's police headquarters.
Hold on, what's that? What's that right there? What? Nothing?
What's going on? Nothing's going on? I said, Oh, the
snake on me? Oh, there's a same on me? Bit me.
(46:00):
Oh my god, it's a purple ribbon. It's a purple
ribbon snake. It's a purple ribbon snake. Watch the night
fade from his eye. The dirt in yours. There's so
much good job dirt going on. My animals are killing you.
(46:22):
That's right. I have an animal that's just a pile
of dirt. God, oh my god, there's so many good
Oh great, find if your ambulance is here, they're pulling
up right now. Ye um, what's the problem. He's having
a heart attack. The mayor is having a heart attack. Okay,
I want you to close your eyes. Close your eyes. Okay,
(46:45):
do not open that. I don't know how medically this
is going to help it. Okay, it will help snake dirt,
other animals getting this dying guy. Oh hey, McCaw, what
are you doing here? On duty, on duty, on the
new job. Anyway, your skin breathe life bathto him. Yes,
(47:07):
I'm gonna have so many more bones after this. Dirt's
wearing wires, wearing a wire, dirt a bit going going
now now now, now, it was like, team, are you on?
(47:28):
You gotta pick a side into deep into Deepika Pika.
So you're literally standing in the middle of this standoff?
Are you my partner or you with this girl with
the murder animals? And that concludes my screenplay, Erotic Adventures
(47:48):
of Murdering Animals. Questions. I thought it was very bad. Yeah,
I don't really have a question. I have a three
parter um. First of all, I loved it. I don't
remember the second and third parts aren't really a question.
It's not a question. I have a question. Um what what?
What part of that story was supposed to be erotic?
(48:11):
I'm sorry, I'm just sexy to animals. It sexy to
animals sort of does change things? Can I make? Can
I make a suggestion? Okay, that's all right, that's our
(48:39):
show for today. Let's go around and say goodbye. Thank
your alchemist Caroline got her? Thank you? Sure? Oh? Um, No,
I need someone to teach me how to park parallel parking.
That's what I'm plugging, all right? If somebody stood up
(49:00):
for it, Vanessa Raglan fine, Um, yes, absolutely, all the
pleasure was mine. Usually outros, Aren't this difficult? I feel
like you're just coming at us with our names, and
then what do we do meet there? I mean, it's
(49:22):
just like sixty or seventy episodes in I think you
kind of have an idea of what happens next, but
maybe Brad Norman knows it might but I'm not telling.
It's been really awesome being here. I'm the voice of
Bowlinkol on the Adventures of Rocky and Bowlinkl on Amazon
prem Uh, and I'm Erica on social MEDIAA how do
(49:45):
Mark Gagliardi last Wednesday of the month at Dynasty Typewriter
with wort use improv Yeah, and uh every Blood and
Treasure Tuesdays at ten on CBS. Nice Joey Greer had
a great time. That's more like, uh, and don't you
do another podcast? Or aren't you want anything? No fun? Whatever?
(50:09):
Then what's about the d D thing? That's just like
you guys just hanging out? Well, I want to I
want to, I wanted the game. I need to learn
how to drive. So if you apart, I think you
can wrap it up this play out. You also catch
Pretty Pretty Pony, which has a lot of us in
it first Thursday of every month at ten pm at
(50:31):
the Westside Comedy Theater and Santa Monica save for this
July because it would be July four. So this is
probably out after that anyways, But yeah, check that out.
I'm at Stratton Cole on Instagram, at cold Stratton on
other social stuff. Let's also thank our engineer Doug Baye,
our post sound design artist Raphael Burrito, our producer Sophie Lichterman,
(50:54):
and of course I Heart Mediating for that. I agreed
to you all the write a review, tell everyone you've
ever met about the podcast, and write to us at
your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your
name here at alchemy this dot com. Until next time,
Alchemy
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This cold Stratton
here filling in once again for Kevin Pollock, who was
off doing reshoots on the Santa Claus For Cupid does
Monte Carlo? Let's meet our alchemists for today. A lady
who always knows where Carmen san Diego is, Vanessa Ragland.
What kind of a gum shoe are you? Oh, sticky?
(00:26):
That makes sense. Next, a guy with a lifelong band
at Red Robin Joey Greer, Joe, What in the world
did you do with that burger joint? I legally I
can talk about it. We're still in litigation, okay, respectful?
It makes sense. A man who was seriously let down
by great expectations. Mark Gagliard, Hello, Mark, What school assigned
book did you actually dig? Growing up? The My favorites
(00:49):
were the Bear and Stained Bears books, and then I
stopped right after those. I stopped reading entirely once chapters
were introduced. No, thank you, thank cover it all with
the Bears? Yeah they did? Which which universe? Did you
read them? In? The barn? Same Bears? Are they up? Next?
The only witness to who let the dogs out? Brad Norman,
(01:12):
who was it Brad who let him out? You know, honestly,
I want to blame the government. I want to blame
the moral compass political you know, we all lest we
are the dogs, and we all let ourselves out. I
don't know, I'm pretty drunk. And finally she wore wide
after Labor Day and no one said anything. Caroline Cotter, Caroline,
(01:37):
what's your favorite holiday? Labor Day? Nice? Yeah, it's easy
for me. The only one I recognize all year long,
A big one. Let's get to our first scene. All
of today's scene suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails.
If you'd like to submit yours, please write to the
podcast at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
(01:58):
That's your name here at give me this dot com.
Our first scene comes from Chris, who wrote, I just
wanted to say love the show. I always listen right
away on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I think you've all made
me laugh cry at some point, so I won't single
anyone out. But Chris Alvarado not being able to do
accents is funny by itself. Okay, that's what gets me. Okay,
(02:25):
how about Nerds go Camping? Or maybe just another episode
of time plane. I hope you will never stop. Best
Chris from Silver Spring, Maryland or empty I think it's Maryland. Right,
there's a doctor. There's a doctor. All right, look, okay,
everyone just just stop moving for a goddamn alright, just
(02:48):
just all right. We're gonna chop some wood. We're gonna
go down to the river. We're gonna fish some fish.
We're gonna get some water. Okay, desalinize it, all right, yes,
all right? Why is there salling in the river because
look there's a saaling plan up up river and stump
salling down the crystal. Don't worry about it. It's a
good thing. Okay, sailing can save your life. But we're
(03:11):
do you saling izing it? Well? You got to drink it, right,
scalp master Bob, Yeah, that's right. Can I just I
just want to confirm we do get badges that we
can take back to our God. Take your retainer out
for God. Check it out, I said, just the top
on my mouth, her teeth just look like a retainer.
We need to get our patches on this trap that's
(03:34):
going to happen, right, I'd love to try the fishing thing.
I brought a die here. Let me roll to see
if I'll catch one. I got a six. Let's get
a dexterity bonus. I don't think I'm going to snag
a fish today. I guarantee everybody is going to catch
a fish. You guarantee this guarantee, not certain that statistically
(03:56):
it's possible for everyone to catch a fish. I did
most of the algorithm. Head just now, Yeah, and he's correct. Yeah,
Bucky is correct. Thank you, Elliott, all R. Why don't
we get out of our heads. Let's get out of
our heads. Let's be in nature. Will we be in
nature for a little bit? Where do I plug this in? Nowhere?
You cannot plug an iPad in? Then anything? There's not
there's but there's outlets, chargers. I brought chargers. We can
(04:20):
just take a lay on here. And you're so resourceful,
please excited about being one with the nature? All R.
Let's break up into groups. Groups, Sean Christian, why don't
you guys go get the wood? And then why don't
we have I'm gonna call m Tito and alright, Crystal,
(04:44):
I'm gonna call you Chris. All right, Chris, why don't
you two go down and start hooking lines again? The
fishing pools. Ready, Okay, we're gonna go. So we're on wood.
We're gonna go get I don't get it. Direction, okay,
don't just stand there? Go right? All right? If you
(05:06):
follow up questions king the line and there's gonna be
some bait and then feed it through the hook, I understand.
I have it all here in my Scott book. I
don't need to just unrelated to Crystal's question, um, how
are we supposed to carry the wood back down here?
Once we have in your arms? Well, my doctor told
(05:30):
me I don't have muscles in my arms, so yeah,
like at all, at all. That's what he said on
my check up yesterday. That's true. She always just watches
gym class. Yeah, no muscles in your muscles. You can
see it's so thin the way they dangle, just bone
and skin. Oh my god, they are so thin and
don't touch me. It's just wanted to. Of course, I
(05:52):
boned some arms. What would it be. I wanted to
make sure there was something in there. I didn't. I
didn't know that there was. There was no muscles, there
was no bone, she'd have no shape. It It looks
like empty balloons. It looks like arm shape. Yeah, okay,
cutting Bucky, cutting Bucky. What's a big black furry thing
up in that tree? Oh my god, that is a
(06:14):
tree wolverine? Every what? Oh my god, snicked wolverine. Wolverine?
Hold on, hold on, I would look lookally, this is
mating season for the wolverine. Okay, so they are in
heat and they are angry. Don't scare Logan, everybody hang back.
Logan can adamantium claw to the guy. I don't know.
(06:35):
I think it's kind of pretty. Animals do something ugly
because they're tracking. It's just I don't know saying. I
thought it sounded go what you're saying. But I feel
like my eyes are closing. My eyes are closing. What
you are freaking out with? Analogy? I have a freaking out.
I'd keep a calm. I just need I need my
I need something. Keep someone for my backpack, drill? Oh,
(06:59):
every kind bene Okay, I'm not just gonna pass how
ben We're not gonna get high on benatrol to bring
enough for everyone. I have enough for everybody. She's the
only one with an allergic reaction. We're super allergic. Thank you,
thank you. I feel it working all right, now let's
(07:23):
get to it. Let's get do it. And you know
it's scot Master Bob. I volunteered to stay up and
watch the first watch okay, and volunteer. Tribute? Tribute? What
(07:46):
what is that? What is that? What the well? Come in?
It's it's a it's a reference to a series of
teen novels. Did in to someone's outside the tent. Let
me just see. Is it Logan the wolver I don't,
I don't. Oh my god, it's a little gift. It
looks like we have a Woods the admirer. This is fun.
(08:12):
Looks like there's a treasure. This is a sort of
structured activity. Okay, breaks of something that scouts put together.
I already greatly enjoy the problem solving an aspect. I'm
really good with maps. I'm a level thirty four paladins.
So let me give the map roll to see if
(08:34):
you're allowed to look at the map. You're right, you're right, right, Okay,
it's a good role. So, okay, we have a paladin.
I'm Christian. That's fun. Right, let's open up about ourselves.
Let's let's be open about so here, take this map.
Take a little look. Now there's a piece missing. I
don't know where it could be A piece of the map?
Is piece of the missing? Oh? Is it? What's in
your front pocket right there? Oh? Yeah, that is corner
(08:57):
of the map. We found it. Look at that we
were the piece of the map all along. That is
so sweet. Did you learn that on one of your
weird sex animal shows? Well, now, I've been trying to
apply my general intelligence to metaphors and literature and trying
in an attempt to get closer to communicate with people
on a regular basis. We should speak into I don't know. Okay, guys,
(09:23):
all right, so for your next question, uh, it looks
like we have a new group entering. All right, okay,
fun So this is going to be nineteen eighties trivia
about different shows and films and okay, so yeah, whoever
(09:45):
wants a beer? Just going to the bar here? So
the first question is what actor was in questions? Yes?
I did, Yes, I did, Okay, yes I did? What
actor was in the show? Alf, there's a lot of actors.
(10:08):
I'm gonna go to the bar and get a beer.
Can I don't know any of the names of him.
I don't know, just the one that looks at stinkiest.
Draw a mustache on me? Okay, I can't. Can someone
pick up my arm for me to draw? I think
I can put your finger, you can draw one. I
love that? So helpful. You alright, your blood mustache looks
(10:30):
really good. Excuse me, bartender, an adult person. I would
like two beers please, whichever is the stinkiest, the stinkiest.
You say, yeah, that's old. That's old thigh lift, old
thigh list. It's it's a multi multi lager. I'll take
(10:54):
two of them, all right, Sorry, little boy? What you
seem to have a blood muzzle? Uh? This is my
this is my man mustache? Oh two parts? All right?
You must be a grown up if you're drinking old
bye lift, have a great day. Okay. So I have
(11:14):
all the answers in and I have Martie's beer. Oh thanks,
thank you? Okay, and uh, team team number one? That
name name Crystal, and I could be team number one.
You're right with Sherman Krill? Can you read pretty sure
(11:38):
Sherman Krill is not an ALF? Do you have the
box set? Max? Right? Was it acceptable? Answer? Alf himself
was a good answer. Okay, Look, if you think you
can do this and won't you do it all right? Okay,
is that a real thing? Hey, I guess what, Brian, Brian,
I'm fucking done with this man. Okay, I'm done with
(11:58):
this alright. I'm out of this bar. All shucks. You
cannot be done with this bar. You were paid by
Thighmaster to get him out there. I'm the rep as
you know that will rep this up your ass. I'm
out of here, man. Hey, Woodland meeting, guys. I think
we can run this trivia game if we have to.
(12:18):
Maybe we can even take over the bar. Let's take
over this whole bar. I wish Logan the Wolverine was
here with this, making a heck of a lot easier.
Oh my god, there he is Logan the Wolverine, the
wolverine in the bar. God, he's eating everyone and everything.
(12:48):
Hey Logan, if I put a blood mustache on you,
will you go get some more beers? Okay? There you got?
All right? You know, guys, Can I just say this
has been a really magical camping trip, you know, and I,
for one, I'm super glad that it's been intermural. Yeah?
(13:10):
Oh my god, Okay, this worry hard? Thank god? Yeah,
that led here? Oh my god, there's wolverine here. He's
part of the troop. Now on our side. Get behind me,
na use your arms to flail on a way that
makes it think that there's more than one of your
guys muscles. She has bones, though she can't move, all right,
(13:31):
everyone just oh my god, Christian, you're bleeding bleeding from
your nose. Oh no, no, no, I just put on
a fake my sat so I could get some stinky
heres I did. That's man. My parents when they write
their review of this whole trip, we're going to talk
about how great you are letting us do all this stuff.
I appreciate that. I really do need that. And don't
worry about Logan. He's cool, all right, enough, said bub
(13:54):
He's a cool guy. Yeah, it's one thing I know
that the trust of a child to a rabbit animal.
That's a connect and the only nature has, and that's
a pure He ate him in one big bite. The
biologies are definitely Yeah. That released a lot of fur,
(14:15):
a whole lot of fur. YEA. I used to like
nature documentaries, but now that it's like all over me,
I don't know if I like him too. Realeah, what
happened the boys and girls? Scouts Club of America tonight
that we honor a Scout leader who had passed on
(14:35):
the line of duty, good Man good Land and representing
them here at the funeral services. Is his Scout Troop
one one eight. Yeah, Well, what's the prize? There's no well,
the prizes mortality, no one that we got an in.
(14:57):
That's the prize. What the hell? I have prepared a
few words sponsored by Old Thigh Lift. What is it? Well,
Scott Master Bob was well, he was my stepdad and
he wanted me to call him dad, but I didn't,
not until we buried what was left of him. And
(15:18):
I just want to thank him for being a man
of honesty, a man of valor, a man of courage,
and possibly not a man of foresight, because those kinds
of folks are more fun. Hold up, let me roll
to see how sad you are. You're pretty sad. That
was a natural anyway, we all learned an awful lot
about being in the woods and being armless, and I
(15:41):
have it's just no muscles. You always say I'm armless.
You're right. That was reductive. I'm sorry, you know, like
just overcoming challenges where I'm getting at, you know, and
and we want three hundred and seventy five dollars in
that tribute contest. So we split that evenly and we
donated it to uh Scott Master Bob's favorite charity. Yeah,
(16:06):
which I don't know why we decided to divide up evenly.
And then okay, we get that was maybe some extra math,
but I mean getting that math badge. Hey, how can
we never knew he was your stepdad? You never open
up to us like that? No, that was the last
step dads. That's nice work. My mom has a lot
(16:32):
of steps. Ce number two comes from Dane, who wrote
today from Australia Bloody Gallas Alchemy. This has become a
critical staple my week. Thank you all so much for
the endless bag of funny. I loved your takes on
our backwards ask country thus far, and I hope I
(16:53):
could request another. I'd like to hear the crew take
up roles as a crappy off brand Scooby Doo, gang
up into the Mystery Machine and drive into a supposed
haunted house in rural Australia to solve the mystery of
who drank all the bloody beer. Bonus points for reading
far deeper into the situation than it's called for, especially
if the locals are bewildered as to why you're even
there in the first place. Keep it coming, love Dame
(17:15):
from Newcastle and s W. I think that's New South Wales.
Not safe for work. It looks like your kids, Your
kids get filled these begs up quite good, didn't you.
You're going on some sort of adventure. Yeah we are, Yeah,
we are. And crookey, we have about reservations there you go,
(17:36):
reservations with no white not it not at the big
house up top of the mountain, now you little, Yeah,
I'll think we are. Yeah, we got reservations of their
Apparently there's a huge haunting going on there. It's not
letting anyone farm on the land, and it's causing the
land of decreasing value, and the bank's gonna season. If
we don't do that, then the locals are not gonna
(17:57):
have any food. Yeah, if we is so glad, I
put these newspapers right by the run of the right,
by the can check out stand. Mean, that's all right,
It's just maybe it's just someone trying to scare everybody off.
We're real estate stuff. Come on, Slaggy, this thing as
ghosts might be ghosts. Look at me, Look at me.
(18:24):
There's no such thing, hear me. Okay, you guys just
got some new talent from the little story down the road.
I was looking for the other stuff. They didn't have it,
so I got a new talent the stall down the
other by the way. You didn't want to vet your
what you're looking for? We got it right here in
(18:46):
this store. All your friends came into this store. Well,
I guess I was just wandering around in this stupid
bikini and one thing to another. I don't know, paper
like you going up to them. Hey, guys, I got
the mystery machine working again. We should probably head up
to the house by the way. Bummer. The only radio
station plays Walting Matilda over and over. You disparite song,
(19:06):
that's all rights watch him. I don't I don't think
I know it. Under the shade of a billet bound tree,
we saying always say anyway I did till is nobody
knows this song. I don't think I know it. Waltzing
Matilda Yolk. Wow, this place is huge. Yeah, this is
(19:28):
six levels and six levels. Suky, you're frightened. I don't
think so. I don't believe in the horrible things like
the piper. No, I don't. I believe in corruption though, well,
I believe in corruption. We just lost. Oh my god,
(19:49):
is that your retainers? Oh that's just how your teeth
look some day. Sorry, I'm late. You left me at
the store the earl Why, Oh my god? Sorry, sorry,
this is handsome man on? Oh my god. Sorry, even better,
(20:11):
I'm gonna walk the lawn. Miss jack Lanards just show
its aroma, spooky pro Jackie. Did he call you jack
Landard because you look like a pumpkin. I guess I'll
buy the taste dangling and the little candle and saw my,
you're just so. There's no charm here. Don't believe there's guys. Look,
(20:39):
there's no hat of Tanger Road giving birth everyone. That's
up to us to decide. Dang, let's divide up, even
though it makes sense for us to stay together. I'm
going to try to find a personality. I'll check this
room over here with steaming on. You can be on mine.
Hold on, Jackie, you go together, Slaggy, you and I
(21:01):
will go together, and you'll go solo. Right, bet is
there a pool? Because I don't want here to check
the pool. Who when did you take your top off? Whoops,
I didn't mean to d there's no pool. There as
a bit of a hog in the back a wog.
There's a bit of a wag in the back log pool.
(21:21):
But it's mother sounds nice check out of the wog
like though, maybe we should make me go to the
walk bug. Oh you're taking list you? Why why don't
you go with Jackie? I don't slagis sluggy? Why not?
(21:48):
I'm just an Australian beating it frist a juviy? How's
it made up? The little scrubbled dobbs? Whatever you say?
It's all safe? No not? Why when not? Fall like
a problem? Guys, you better get to a quick back
in America next week program. All right, let's up, let's
(22:09):
do it. La la la la la Niles. You know
what that means? Oh my god, no one else is
on my team. I'm here. Oh that's my wist favorite vowel.
(22:30):
Who goes there? Oh good night? Why are you just
wearing a bikinis? Just the battom? What I was? I'm
really not used to this, old man. It's a free country,
is it? Well? Mostly, I mean it's a parliamentary system
(22:51):
and somebody who's non corporal corporal. He might be a
little more corporal than he looks. I've got a feeling
that this ghost is nothing more than a man with
a sheet on it. What don't take the sheet off
my head? You got me? Yeah, you're just wearing bik
(23:14):
bottoms too. Yeah, I thought I was the only one.
You were just a guy all along, Yes, Slaggy, I
was just a guy all along. I don't know. If
you read the paper there was there's some shenanigans going
on down here with the with the real estate world.
I was trying to just you know, you know what.
I would have gone away with it too, if it well,
you know, if things hadn't happened badly. Actually, at this
(23:36):
point you've pretty much still gotten away with it well,
as long as you do keep your trap shut. Which
parts my chap jackie bikini bottom? Good thing I went
off by myself. I hope everybody else is having better
luck than I am. Oh, good day by day? What
the hell did you just say? How do you day?
(23:56):
How do I do? I don't know, I think I
do pretty well. See man, Max, Yes, I have you
like it? Not the first one. It's not good? Fuck you?
Am I not good? Well? Yeah, the rest are good,
but the first one is not great. I do fine.
We've been through this same man Mix. I'm not who's
on first thing this with you? Are you a ghost?
(24:19):
Lemon I? I do like lemonade any day? I define?
Oh wait, am I in some sort of purgatory loop?
Then I got to warn you I'm a gist. Okay,
a little of big things that happen in here. Okay,
he do you do? I do fine? I'm all sorry,
(24:39):
darst oh hello, Hi, HELLI I do okay, no, but insiety,
I said, Hi, I'm fine. I what my alright? Did
my two youngsters get as good at Scary Nosa kids
as as their old man? Did him really hard? All right?
(25:04):
I think we really told we told him we were
ghosts and we didn't back down. All right? Talk to
him about med mix? Did you You didn't do that
med Max loop? Did you? I interrupted it? Yeah? Right, yeah,
sy spooky spooky right? Yeah, clearly yeah, signed, but different.
You know, I kept telling him we were ghosts of
(25:25):
the problem seems to kangaroo stop giving babies. Yeah, And
I don't know what to do even putting mad inside it.
Let's see if it makes more babies. Just go strap
it down in the wabe. I'm sorry. I came home
from work and then here we're not doing anything on
toward right in the front door, and I see the root.
(25:48):
Is this pouch is peck for a mud? Yeah, it's
also pack full of mind from what I understand on
the inside. To them, you're talking about poop. No, are
you talking about actual mud? No. I'm sick and tired
of the games you play with our kids. That kangaroo
is bearing in our games. They are plans has plans. Yeah,
I got a plan. And look what's your plan that
(26:11):
kids have to go scaring? No, yeah, we wanted to
get rid of those American kids, that one kid. There's
also something about real estate we're doing. I don't know
what the skin him in that paper. He go right,
that's right here. Look it's on the front page. This
will makes sense, or we're gonna get that properly. We're
gonna make a beast parking lot of the cities. It's
(26:32):
see things lives is they will flat concrease. I've got
a huge car and I know where to pocket. Yeah,
I can't wait to part my mad Max charge out here.
(26:54):
I love men, come out here and play my guitar
that shoots fire woil wild. Yeah yeah, yeah yeah, so
be great. Underneath this concrete of this parking lot is
a layer of tears of environmentalists. A nice thinned liar,
(27:16):
just one liar, little beat, make a more cry. I'm
so seeing pets. I'm so excited. Let's give it a
walk to Matilda and celebration. There s my tail, won't
saying my tail? Sorry? This was the wall? Oh my gosh,
it's a lot. It's beautiful, like a couple of fils
(27:42):
on the wallaby that's not a wallaby, that's my good friend.
The windlowers on the reeds and mice on this place
(28:03):
is magical. You can take your sweater off? Are you sure?
I'm not wearing anything underneath? And it looks like I
have a dress on, but that's my body or called
the Hey, thank you? You know I like you if
it's Are you sure? I'm absolutely sure? Okay, I will, okay,
I'm gonna do it. Aldustralian Constable. Sweater us off at
(28:27):
the wall and I'll take my wrap off. It's a wrap.
I thought that was your body also sing like calls,
Oh my god. Okay, okay, on the count of three, ready,
don't take a wall to get it all? Okay, I
don't start turning at three if you hold on man, okay, sure, yeah,
I'll I guess I'll just do it. As soon as
(28:47):
you're almost done. I'll just take my sweater off so
that we will have kind of at the same time.
That's okay. It's a lot of guys. Okay, and okay,
(29:12):
Oh it's your friend, Hi, loot, thank you. Are you
talking about my my um hairy chest talking about your trap?
Excuse me? Let's talking about your trap? And when you
say trapped, just so I know what are you talking about? Oh,
and I'm like to get into it, but I'll take
(29:33):
a look for you. Oh, here's something I wish I
hadn't walked into it. It's like it's almost like, don't
come on. That was really bad when you say things
like that. I just found a clue. What the hell's
going on here? Um? I took off my clothes and
(29:54):
it's Harry underneath. I'm scrawled myself from some goals and
this is my form. This is my form. Okay, I'm
fine with this great, that's awesome. Cool. You know those
kids from from the Convenience still down there? Yeah? You
(30:18):
you forgot your dog? Oh oh god dog. What is
the kind of dog? It's like a like a brown
dog with spots. Yeah, it's uh we we have to
put it down. Yeah, yeah, all of them, all of
(30:38):
the appendages have gotten like gang green. So I have
to be amputated or you just drown them in the wall.
And that concludes mystery teens and erotic adventure. I don't
know about you, but as a contemporary work, this is
impactful as well as highly highly stimulating. Thoughts um, I
(31:06):
have one in the back question in the back, yes,
of course, question back uh, Mr Marshall, I love your work,
of course you do. And so that's not my question,
and that's not a question. I just wanted you to
know it wasn't my question, and I wanted to know
what I'm listening. And I've read all your books, thank you,
(31:28):
and I think they're fantastic, of course, and that's not
that's also not my question. That's not a question. So
what I wanted to get to was taking a lot
of time, and a lot of other people have questions
to should I wait or should I just go ahead
your question? Yeah? So my question is uh three a
three partter. Actually the answer to all three of your
(31:52):
questions is sexual energy. Yeah, the next question please? Oh
that was my question? Oh where will? Then? I hope
you all enjoyed my I have a question. Yes, of course,
I love your work. I guess that was it. I guess,
Thank you very much. That as not a question. I
(32:13):
would just like to end this reading with group waltzing
Matilda wal Our third scene comes from Ian, who wrote,
(32:39):
Hello Alchemy Crewe, thank you all for the wonderful product
you've created. It has been many times I've received odd
eyes from co workers or fellow students in the passing
hallway for truly laughing out loud. Your purgatory episode was
so goddamn funny. I had tears rolling down my cheeks.
I do have a scene suggestion based on one of
my three roommates. You see, all of us have at
least one pet, one chinchillas, one has a cat, and
(33:01):
the other a parrot. I, on the other hand, have
quite a few exotic pets, bugs, reptiles, and amphibians that
are a constant concern from my one roommate. He seems
to believe that, by some stroke of all my pets
are going to team up and take out him in
his hell cat. Please make this happen. Maybe you could
get the thirty dollars he owes me for last month's
water bill too. I don't know. I'll leave it up
(33:22):
to the professionals. Super simple, guys, you got all right.
I'm being a terrific cast and crew hilarious individuals. You're
truly audible, chocolate and true belly killers. Sincerely, I and
m ps. Keep your chin up, he need. Don't let
them get you Downmoji, he's not even that's the first
(33:42):
suggestion I've heard that doesn't sound like it has any
girls in it. Yeah, well, let's see what we can do.
But shut those animals off. No, shut the damn animals,
shut you shut. You're so freeing loud. Okay, I'll tell
(34:03):
my animals to shut up. Just stop yelling right outside
my door. Shut those animals up, Stephanie, Yes, do you
want to kill your roommates? Okay, guys, animals listen up,
snake bug bile of dirt, guys, because we can do
it if I want to do I know snake. Okay, guys,
(34:24):
this is crazy, and I know you asked me this
every day to see if you want to kill my
roommates guy. Today today I'm saying yes. But yes, you
guys just have to make sure that there's no effing
way this can get traced back to me. Okay, because
I am in a doctoral program. I've got to be
honest with you. This is going to be hard not
(34:45):
to trace it back to you if it's all of
your pets. Will be careful, we will careful. Careful okay, parrot,
thank you, no problem, thank you? Okay, so be careful. Yes,
don't Yeah, did my parent in your room? Don't say anything? Okay? Parent? Um? Monica, um,
(35:10):
I do. It's in my effing room. Okay, why because
it flew in here because you're fucking weird stiffing room
please dollar in No, I'm not putting it down in
dollar dollar up. You give me my parent that right off? Monica, Um,
please tell me that wasn't my parent that just told
me to fuck write off. Well, you know it wasn't
(35:31):
me because I cannot do voices. I know that, Tiffanie,
what do you want to stick kill your simon? Lagree
roommate Monica, Well, bring you her bones, guys. Stop. I
said I like bones once, and now you want to
bring me bones of all my David Moore what I
(35:55):
cannot pay rent or and it feels this month? Okay,
that's not okay. And you can open the door to
my room. You don't have to just yell right outside
the door. Animals are so freaking loud. I can't listen
to him. He's worthless flesh. And look, my chim chillas
are freaking out because you guys are so loud. Chill, hey, shirt,
(36:18):
she's got my parents in there. Are you kidding me?
Can you get my parent out? Shart? Yeah? If I
open the door, think you so loud? I can't. I
don't want to open the door because there's the freak
animals in there. They're not freak animals. They are freaking
freak animal And your doctoral program is not real? Oh
my god, is it's not real? It is reel. You
you're telling me that a doctoral program in how to
(36:40):
cross the street. It's not to say, yeah, that is
what I'm saying. Oh my god, f you what can
we kill? Shart and chills to our army? She's meat
they're all meat. Okay, guys, yes, I'm just saying, yes,
just make sure you don't get caught. Okay, promise not
(37:02):
only am I and I get nervous. No, Okay, I will. Okay,
it's in there. Okay, not only am I in a
doctoral program. But you guys also know that my dad
is a cop. Okay, so if he gets winned of this,
my ex partner, Yeah, my dad is your ex partner.
That's exactly right. When you had that television show McCaw
(37:27):
on the Law. Okay, cut, okay, McCaw. Where's the cause handler, Monica? Yes,
your your parent here. I don't know if we're gonna
be I don't know if I can say it's front
of the the animal. We're not gonna be able to
use the McCall anymore. What do you mean the mccau
it's it's not handled. We're gonna go for a younger McCall.
Please please, no police, no, please, no craft service, craft service.
(37:51):
My parent, my parents killed the audition, crushing a scene
where I get I just moved in with the daughter
of the guy that's playing the corn this up. I'm sorry.
We're gonna have to go for younger that's a hard fitten. Guys.
(38:13):
Wait was that on camera? What the hard? No? The
other part? Were you taping me? Well, I mean I
have a camera, craw phone me around? Yeah, what part
of what show? Is this? BTS? It's behind the scene?
What does that mean? Behind the scene? What does that mean?
It's for a YouTube channel? What's YouTube? YouTube is a
you're just kidding. I know what YouTube is? My parents
staying in the We're gonna have you in the New Pages,
(38:34):
New Pages trailer. He's hungry to work. I get that.
Episodes as younger Macca. I don't know what to tell you,
the young one cause being shipped down. I'm going to
meet him. You can't do that. You're not going to
meet the younger. I'd love to meet you just as
a fan. I'm not going to kill it that right there.
Good to see your baby. He could somebody give me
(38:57):
a coffee. He's just in the building. Yeah. Can we
just clear out the old trailer police, I'm just making
clear here. Good gott sign a conventions now, Hi, you
must be the old handler. I'm not old. You look
(39:20):
really old. Sorry, that's why. Oh my god, really, I
was going to guess sixty two Oh my god, why
would you say that to me? I'm just so shocked.
I couldn't lie. I'm twenty years old. How old are you?
Sixty two? I look right, you look really good. Thank you.
I mean, I guess knowing that I feel less bad
(39:40):
because you were thinking me as a contemporary and you
look like really good thank you. Um but yes, I
am okay, anyway, nice to meet you. My Oh wait,
you're a new handler. Yeah that's what I said. Oh.
I wasn't listening. I was just looking at you. Thank you.
I can we get this old woman out of here.
I'm twenty years old? Yeah I did not know that. Well, yeah,
(40:01):
you gotta go. We're not gonna look so old up.
Oh my god. Hi, are you the original bird handler
with the older bird that's no longer good anymore? Yeah? Yeah, okay,
I just have a little bit of paperwork tree to
finish up before we left you out. Huh how old
do you think? I'm sorry, can you speak up? How
old do you think? I am? Ma'am, ma'am. I really
(40:23):
don't listen. I don't really have time for all this.
I need you to fill out this paperwork so that
we can release you from the paperwork, claim zero, claim zero.
That's actually probably a good idea unless your bird is
a legal dependent. Yes, okay, well then maybe good Well
it depends on your you know what again, I what
(40:45):
it's a young but sure it is attractively monicam comes star.
We gotta break up? Why you can't? Not today, Tad,
not today. I'm sorry, I don't know what baby new. Look,
my band's gonna work out. Okay, just a smash mouth
(41:08):
is going to be something, all right? Anything? Whatever? You?
Oh my god, I am so sorry. Hey now now, now,
I just threw some rocks. I didn't mean anything to
hit you going for they alright, folks, no one's under arrest, alright.
(41:34):
We're just here to figure out what happened in this
domestic violence. Of you might be under one of you
might be, thank you, Tony. One of you might be
under arrest, depending on the story that we hear. Right now,
I asked you to please use Antonio. Excuse me, my
my friend. Officer Antonio would like to know who made
(41:57):
first contact here, who throw rocks in me? He threw
a rocket? You do hit me? Do you have any
of these rocks? Now? They're on the floor over here. Okay, Well,
we're going to need those evidence. Antonio talking cheek. There's
one stuck in your cheek. Man. We'll have to call
the A M T. S for that. This is an
(42:17):
emergency when you see an emergency medical situation requiring a technician.
All right, then we'll call them. I have a question,
is it? Is it now? Okay? For because he does
seem newly available for your macaw to become my new
police partner, providing he uses my full name. Yes, Antonio,
(42:39):
you're with me, now McCall, let's do this. I just
got a new call. I gotta ride out empt meeting thing.
Not a meeting, but we actually go going around. I
don't know I call the meetings. Yeah, what's up? All right?
I'm just what's up? You're so distant? Yeah, I just
had a Now what's up? Just what's up? I just
(42:59):
took an what's up? I just took a nap and
you woke me up in the middle of the nap.
I don't want to go do what wow stuff? We
saved lives. I don't. She's saying, you go out there
and you purposely kill people. Have you noticed how when
we go out together every time I'm assigned to the
(43:23):
person they die. Have you noticed that? And you never
thought to think it was on purpose? I thought that
you don't notice anything about me? So why do you
say anything? Wow, here we go, Here we go. Yeah,
we're gonna hold on that call. Yeah, so I don't
notice anything. Huh, you're wearing new shoes. Oh my god,
we definitely bring us the body. Okay, I'm trying. Don't
(43:49):
look at my bag. It's not full of animals. Look
if you tell me not looking at back full of
animals and dirt, and said, don't look at my bag,
it's not full animals. Do you want me to do that?
I said, don't do it. I don't tell me different
things saying don't do it. I'm saying the same thing
every time. And I want to say thank you for
noticing my shoes, thank you for noticing my new eyes. Yes,
(44:11):
I got two eyeball transplants. Great, thank you get minority report. Yes,
it's exactly like minority report us to see into the
due one from Monica and one from Shark. Yes, why
do you wish? What do you tell me to shush?
For nothing? I'm I'm not talking to my bag, Okay,
(44:33):
macaul Antonio. Great, this is gonna be good. You two
have finally done it. You got the mayor straight up
Marquist with your shenanigans. Do you have any respect for
the civilian life in this city, sir? We have respect
(44:54):
for the civilian lives in the city, of course we do.
But you know, sometimes a car chase just gets uh
out of our hands. Let me out here, McAll you
know what I mean, doing our best, doing our best?
Ye flew up the mayor's water Trump, how do you
blow up a water truck? Water truck in a drought?
Seems suspicious to me. Don't give me any of your
(45:15):
beat McCall and tontyo, what this is on you? How's
it on me? You're the superior officer here between you
and I. That's clear. Listen you to one more slip up,
one more casually questionably racistrom mark one public property damage.
(45:38):
She's having heart attacks? Shot off. Oh god, God, chief's
calling mt. We got another call. Oh, let's police headquarters.
Hold on, what's that? What's that right there? What? Nothing?
What's going on? Nothing's going on? I said, Oh, the
snake on me? Oh, there's a same on me? Bit me.
(46:00):
Oh my god, it's a purple ribbon. It's a purple
ribbon snake. It's a purple ribbon snake. Watch the night
fade from his eye. The dirt in yours. There's so
much good job dirt going on. My animals are killing you.
(46:22):
That's right. I have an animal that's just a pile
of dirt. God, oh my god, there's so many good
Oh great, find if your ambulance is here, they're pulling
up right now. Ye um, what's the problem. He's having
a heart attack. The mayor is having a heart attack. Okay,
I want you to close your eyes. Close your eyes. Okay,
(46:45):
do not open that. I don't know how medically this
is going to help it. Okay, it will help snake dirt,
other animals getting this dying guy. Oh hey, McCaw, what
are you doing here? On duty, on duty, on the
new job. Anyway, your skin breathe life bathto him. Yes,
(47:07):
I'm gonna have so many more bones after this. Dirt's
wearing wires, wearing a wire, dirt a bit going going
now now now, now, it was like, team, are you on?
(47:28):
You gotta pick a side into deep into Deepika Pika.
So you're literally standing in the middle of this standoff?
Are you my partner or you with this girl with
the murder animals? And that concludes my screenplay, Erotic Adventures
(47:48):
of Murdering Animals. Questions. I thought it was very bad. Yeah,
I don't really have a question. I have a three
parter um. First of all, I loved it. I don't
remember the second and third parts aren't really a question.
It's not a question. I have a question. Um what what?
What part of that story was supposed to be erotic?
(48:11):
I'm sorry, I'm just sexy to animals. It sexy to
animals sort of does change things? Can I make? Can
I make a suggestion? Okay, that's all right, that's our
(48:39):
show for today. Let's go around and say goodbye. Thank
your alchemist Caroline got her? Thank you? Sure? Oh? Um, No,
I need someone to teach me how to park parallel parking.
That's what I'm plugging, all right? If somebody stood up
(49:00):
for it, Vanessa Raglan fine, Um, yes, absolutely, all the
pleasure was mine. Usually outros, Aren't this difficult? I feel
like you're just coming at us with our names, and
then what do we do meet there? I mean, it's
(49:22):
just like sixty or seventy episodes in I think you
kind of have an idea of what happens next, but
maybe Brad Norman knows it might but I'm not telling.
It's been really awesome being here. I'm the voice of
Bowlinkol on the Adventures of Rocky and Bowlinkl on Amazon
prem Uh, and I'm Erica on social MEDIAA how do
(49:45):
Mark Gagliardi last Wednesday of the month at Dynasty Typewriter
with wort use improv Yeah, and uh every Blood and
Treasure Tuesdays at ten on CBS. Nice Joey Greer had
a great time. That's more like, uh, and don't you
do another podcast? Or aren't you want anything? No fun? Whatever?
(50:09):
Then what's about the d D thing? That's just like
you guys just hanging out? Well, I want to I
want to, I wanted the game. I need to learn
how to drive. So if you apart, I think you
can wrap it up this play out. You also catch
Pretty Pretty Pony, which has a lot of us in
it first Thursday of every month at ten pm at
(50:31):
the Westside Comedy Theater and Santa Monica save for this
July because it would be July four. So this is
probably out after that anyways, But yeah, check that out.
I'm at Stratton Cole on Instagram, at cold Stratton on
other social stuff. Let's also thank our engineer Doug Baye,
our post sound design artist Raphael Burrito, our producer Sophie Lichterman,
(50:54):
and of course I Heart Mediating for that. I agreed
to you all the write a review, tell everyone you've
ever met about the podcast, and write to us at
your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your
name here at alchemy this dot com. Until next time,
Alchemy
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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