February 18, 2021 • 53 mins
New employee in a numbers and units company
Taken with an unimpressive set of skills
Joe Camel serves time in kindergarten
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of hel Give you this
COVID nineteen one edition. I'm your host, Cold Stratton and
for Kevin Pollock, let's meet miss Shelley in a brand
new crazy order. Let's say hey to Chris Alvarado. Hey Chris,
what will be the big thing in twenty years? I
(00:24):
think sleep is going to make a huge comeback because
right now we're like busy, busy, busy, on the go,
on the going to go. I think it's gonna be
like very hip to get like twenty hours sleep, you
know what I mean, Like it's going to be hip
as fuck. It's gonna be kind of a hibernating nation.
Hibernation d dude, Yeah there, I claimed that for my
(00:48):
improv two Hybernation the Christians drop e what was that Hybernation? Drop?
Next up, Joey, Joey, I heard you invented a new instrument. Uh,
tell us about it. Oh my god, you guys are
gonna go. You guys are gonna freak your asses. So
(01:10):
what I've done is you can use any anything in
your house. This is the best part. It's not it's
not just a wind instrument. It's not just a string.
And someone it's it's not and it's any any kind
of instrument that you've ever thought of. If you have
this is crazy. Anything in your house you're gonna be
able to use. You're gonna be able to take apart
build based on the schematics that are are open trade.
What's it called open open? It's not open source. That's
(01:32):
not the word I'm looking for. It's open um mouth
the hell's the word of what? Mouth? No, no, don't
interrupt if you don't have an idea, okay, Uh, it
doesn't doesn't matter. Look, yeah, you give me your email,
email you this information, okay, and then you're gonna be able.
It's because it's anything in your house. Right So let's say,
for instance, you've got a you got a pound of pork.
(01:56):
I think I can speak for us all when I
say it that we're all freaking our ass this right now.
So get job. Everybody said, Hi, a tool sing a?
What's your go to snack at a ball game? U?
I get cracker jack. That's if they still sell them.
(02:18):
I try to get cracker jack. No, hot ducks. You
didn't get that away from me. I don't need it,
you know. Uh, that's that's going conventional, you know, like, hey,
let me just march and step with everybody else. I
don't do that. I do different stuff if they don't
have stretch the fourth inning, Yeah, yeah, exactly. If I
want to sing, I sing. So I enjoyed the chocolate
(02:39):
malts back around the seventh inning. Those are awesome. The
only face average, that's just no one no other time.
But says frozen beer about his favorite. That's his favorite treat,
Like a slushy beer. I don't know. I don't know
what skunk a beer? He says, yes, so, yeah, a
(03:01):
slushy beer. Uh, guys, say hello to Craigs Gay, Holy
sh it, Craig, Holy sh it. Indeed, Craig. What was
the first movie you remember seeing in a theater? Uh?
(03:25):
The sound of music. That's how you're supposed to say
the titles. People don't know that. I wish it had
been Oklahoma. That would have worked better. But nice And finally,
James Teney, James. We all had a signed reading growing up.
Was there a book that you were signing that you
(03:46):
just couldn't stand? Um, let's see. I guess well, I
didn't really like reading when I was a kid so
much as I was really good at reading the back
of the book and being able to just sit along
and be part of the conversation and yes, hand thing
and be like no one ever knew. I didn't read
(04:06):
the books. In fact, had an award one Battle of
the Books. I won Battle of the Books in sixth
grade and didn't read a single book. What is Battle
of the Books? It was? It was a competition where
a bunch of kids would read as many books as
they could on this list, and then they would have
trivia questions asked. Yeah, and I was great at it.
(04:28):
I mean you could just with like hearing a question,
you would just have to be able to say what
book that went to you. This doesn't seem like you
have the good skill of knowing how to like recite
book information. Is more as that you're compulsive liar. You'd
think that it was a compulsive liar, But I've had
this conversation before. Well, I might be compulsive, but it
(04:50):
is absolutely not. What was what's the word, Joey? You know,
because we had a stological I'm not a pathological lover.
I might be a compulsive flyer. Uh, you lie all
the time? You get off to it. I put the differences.
I have control over it, so I don't think it
is compulsive. I'll side with you in the book thing, James,
(05:11):
because occasionally I hadn't done the reading it and the
test came up. I remember that for To Kill a Mockingbird,
which I did read later, which I loved, but I
hadn't read it when the test came up and had
character identification, and I was able to successfully argue a
point where it said identified Mr Cunningham, and I wrote
Richie's dad on happy Days and it's it's like it
doesn't stay in to Kill a Mockingbird anywhere a piece
of paper, so he's like a damn smartass. And I
(05:34):
got one point on that. So there you beat them.
I mean, since I gamed it, I told I read
a lot of books, and I enjoy it as a kid.
I didn't want anybody tell me what I had to
do right now. His eyes went up. Oh, let me
(05:55):
just don't right now. It's Willow title. Those are things
around James right now, All right, let's do a damn show.
All of our scene suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails,
or from our Patreon v I p s to become
a Patreon supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content
and other perks. Just head on over to Patreon dot
(06:16):
com slash alchemy this. If you'd like to submit a
scene suggestion via email, please write to the podcast at
your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your
name here at alchemy That seen one is from long
time and now former Patreon v I P. Philippe, who wrote, Hey,
you crazy bunch. I've been once again re listening to
(06:37):
some old episodes and I found Chris's utter confusion with
kilometers what's the small small km? Hilarious? That made me
pitch a scene where a new overseas employee in a
numbers and units company whatever that is, causes havoc as
they are not familiar and maybe too embarrassed to ask
with a different unit system. By the way, tell James
(06:57):
I love his short news short show and I always
end up with the theme song stuck in my head
for the rest of the day, and I love that too.
Please disregard the weird formatting of this message, but I
drank too much coffee and I'm really excited about everything.
Stay crazy, please, Hi, I think if you're calling Numbers
and Unions Incorporated how can I help you. I'm trying
to convert I've got it's about the size of it's
(07:20):
about the size of a dollar bill, so three inches,
but I need to be able to put that into kilometers. Okay,
give me one stec I'm gonna put you on hold. Hey, Bobby,
we got a dollar bill conversion. Are you available? What
are you converting to euros or? Yeah? Two kilometers? He
has a three inch dollar bill and needs to convert
to kilometers. To convert a dollar bill into kilometers, can
(07:43):
I just forard him to you? Please, I'm just taking
the calls here. I'd love to take this one. Give
me one second. Hi there, I'm not going to transfer
you to one of our numbers and unions experts. Thank you. Okay, Uh,
this is Bobby b on uh P Hi Bobby. Uh.
(08:03):
My name's Jared. I'm just calling it because I've got
this three dollar bill. I'm sorry. That was ridiculous. Really,
it's not I I missed spoke, Bobby. It's a dollar
bill typically here in America, it's three inches long, and
I'm trying to convert that into I'll tell you what's three.
(08:24):
I think you were calling numbers in units Incorporated. How
can I direct your call? And man? Uh, me and
my friends are trying to figure out, like how how
many kilometers is a fuck ton? Okay, give me one
second place, Hey, Ray right? Yeah? Ray b oh that's me,
that's right? Yeah yeah right? Um? Can you do you
(08:48):
have time to convert um to somebody wants to know
how many units are in a ton? Can I transfer
them to you? Please? Yeah? Yeah, give me one second.
Hi there, um, I'm transferring now to one of our
Numbers and Units experts. Hey, y by, yeah, meet, My
(09:09):
boys are one and we're driving in Canada right now.
And how many kilometers is a fun ton? Because that
seems to be what we have left on this drive. Yeah,
a shipload shids ton? Yeah, shipload in Canada. If you
try that ship in Mexico you will get fucked. Okay,
all right, where you guys going Manitoba? I don't know why.
(09:30):
We just got drunk and picked it on a map.
So I heard my dad's from Manitoba. Thanks for calling,
Numbers and Units Incorporated. How can you write your call? Well,
I mean I so I have a question and I
just need your help. Alright, So I have this is
this is a question that has been in hot debate
with me and every and all of my girlfriends. Were
(09:51):
in a book club. Alright, we're reading a book. Don't
ask which book? Okay? Alright? And is it little fires everywhere?
Do not ask what book? Okay? I said that. I'm sorry,
Please go ahead with your questions. So I wanted to
know what is the difference between centimeters and sins? Great?
(10:15):
Give me one second, hey, Ray Jr? Right? Yeah, yeah, Um,
are you available for a call? Somebody wants to know
I want to convert centimeters to sinse? Well yeah, yeah,
shun it through second? Hi there, um? Is it Devil
in the White City? Do not ask? Okay, do not ask?
(10:37):
I transmar recall to one of our numbers and Units experts. Hello,
this is Ray Jr. You've got a question about numbers
and units. I mean, I guess I don't know. Look,
I'm trying to what's the difference between sins and centimeters? Oh?
Can I be completely honest with you? I I didn't answer.
(11:01):
You don't know what my answer is here. You don't
get to speak until I say if you can or
cannot be completely honest with me. All right, So what
we're we're reading Jane Austin Sense and Centimeters. Yeah. Now, look,
I heard from a very very reliable source that this
book not only is drama field, but hot and juicy.
(11:24):
It's like you're just budding into a really hot corn
dog right at the fair, and you know that hot
hot meat two juice just squirts on you burned skald,
but it cools quick cool. Sorry, you've pushed us the
wrong directions too many times, like I did not enjoy
fifty cents of gray. Okay, berniee, I see what's that?
(11:45):
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It was it was part of
the whole power series. I loved it. Hi. Thank If
you're calling Numbers and Units Incorporated? How can did you
write your call? Where's your your what's your mailing address? Gray?
Be you? Winter Million Dress says it was a prank.
I was trying to prank. Listen to this tape on
(12:06):
prank calls. Lit's it up. Everybody got a new guy
going in, alright, and this this new guy, this from
a new place, all right, from somewhere in Europe, Scandinavia,
craping on dailies. But he's coming in, him and he's
gonna he's gonna be shadowing each and everyone, all right,
so nobody's shadows Bobby b Bobby relaxed. Okay, Jesus Christ, Yeah,
(12:33):
I know who it is. I'm looking at you. I know,
just because of Ray Jr. People need to clarified. But
I see that's my point. But he's you're you're Ray.
I'm just I was just curious if, like, if you
weren't the owner's son, would you be in this position. Oh,
(12:55):
you know, that doesn't even bother me. Man, You know,
nepotism doesn't bother me at all. I live in lap luxury.
I enjoy it, alright, just enjoy having a dad. My
dad only from Manitoba and I never met him. There's
a ton of nepotism in this company. Thank you for calling.
Numbers and Units Incorporated now with a new Scandy Navy
and experts. How many you write your call? Hi, I'm
(13:19):
trying to discuss the I want to convert light years
and I'm not exactly sure what unit light years starts,
and but I'd like to convert it into the Imperial system. Okay,
I mean one second, Hey, new guys, Yes, which from
you guy, the one who started here on Tuesday? Who
(13:39):
started hearing to just let them both handle it. Oh okay,
maybe okay, oh yeah, you know what, I'll throw this
out to either one large Which one are you? I
have large by and I available for a drink after
(14:01):
work if that's something interests you. Don't mention it around
RAYB though he'll get a little any who. Um, I
have a color on on the line who wants to
convert light years into other units of measurement. Could one
of you into that? Yeah? I think we're both do
it together. Okay, give me one say hi there, um,
you will now benfer to two of our numbers and
(14:23):
units experts. How exciting for me. Hello, this is Laras
B and this is large C. Together we are large is.
It's fantastic. This is important because I'm working with some
space I'm working on the space program, and I need
to make sure that I'm converting this into the proper
imperial form. So I've got light years, and it's important
(14:46):
that this is exact. So I need to know what
light years starts in and it needs to make sure
that it ends in imperial Okay, so you're in the
rebel format right now. I honestly don't know the equation
that I'm looking at is just saying light years. Okay,
And you work for the Space program. I work with
the Space program, but we're working with people outside of
(15:07):
the Space program. And I used the word people very loosely.
These are justin I'm looking over at your report here, um,
and you you've repeatedly wrote lightsabers, this is of light years?
Is that something? It was? I was quickly writing, I
must have I must have lightsabers in my mind, I
was just it was meant to meant to write like
(15:29):
light years are you were the Empire? You know that, right?
We've been trying to rid the cosmos of the Jedi?
You know that, right? Sure? Sure are you trying to
code in some kind of rebel message? And no, oh no, hi, Ray?
Can I come into your office? I know your dad
owns this, so you could be the best office here.
(15:50):
Can I step in? Okay? Um? First of all, I
love working here. I love working here. Um. I was
wondering if maybe we could have Ray b transferred. I mean, honest,
I hadn't about that far. He's just we went on
(16:11):
a couple of dates, and you know, I gave it
up to him very easy. And now he feels like,
you know, we were an idol and you know I
give it up easy, you know from experience. I mean,
we have Ray JR. Oh gosh, I'm just lose my
mind today. I don't know. Can you transfer somebody? Everybody?
This is Ray B. He's new to the Manitoba chapter.
(16:32):
Let's give a good round of appost for Raybi. Okay, okay, well, well,
got a Ray B here. So it feels like we've
got so many rabies in this company. It's like we've
been bit by a wild animal. Sorry I'm late. What's
(16:53):
going on here? Oh you missed a great joke, a
great joe all we can do it again. Then, hey,
let's do it again. Okay, very this is I don't
know though, it feels like the moment passed. Just see
what it is. So we have a new employee here,
this is ray B. And then, oh, we already have
so many rabs. It's like we've been bit by a
bit by a raccoon. Well, oh that's good, more specific
(17:16):
this time? Something there? I think, Yeah, I guess it did.
Used to these jokes wouldn't work, that's for sure. Maybe, Um,
do you look like someone I used to know? There
was actually one of the things about somebody turned off
the radio. This is important. Sorry, don't really boss us around.
(17:41):
You just started working here. You know, we'd like to
have albiet music playing in the background. Sometimes it goes
in and out. That's why I don't. Okay, well, just
sometimes go to a album. He was hot there. He
played Okay. Well, what I was trying to say is
he learned the hard way. Don't play that song first
and every and leaves that for the very very You
(18:03):
get to your point because we got barn Nick and
ladies coming I don't know about fourteen minutes then coming up.
We're just saying, um my, my mom told me that
my dad is from Man. I told I've never met him,
and uh but they she said that I'm named after him,
So either Ray or be but uh, just I'm excited
(18:23):
to be working here. You know, what exactly do you
guys that know hi? I think it's calling numbers of
units incorporated? How many right? You're calling? Oh, man, he's
been shot. Man, he's been shot. I don't know what
else to call. What kind of gun? What kind of gun?
I don't know. I don't know the caliber size that
it's hard to determine. I don't know. It's like the
size of my thumb. I guess caliber from cling? Okay?
(18:46):
And how many? How many times was the man shot?
I don't know, three? Four, three or four? Okay, give
me one second. Hi, everybuddy, UM, have you can listen up? Hey?
What's up? What with the nine one one gang? Are
you taking our fucking phone calls? Um? You'll have to
(19:09):
speak to Ray No, no, no, no no no no no
no no no. We talked to you, all right, our
whole gangs here, crazy Petz here say what's up? Crazy Pete?
Silly Susann's here's say what up? Silly? Stop? Oh sorry,
Silicia's aunt j J. So what's the issue exactly? You're
(19:32):
taking our calls? You don't see us taking your calls
and changing the units and measurements? Alright, look at the
customer calls the other one. If they want nine one one,
they call you. If they want one, they call us.
So well, if they don't stop, there's going to be
an emergency. And then who are you going to call? Ghostbusters? What? What? Tito?
(19:54):
Punch him? I'm a woman, Ray B Senior. You might
call units and measures because I need to know how
many cups are in this finding I can't remember, so
go ahead and give them a call. Okay, there, what
are you doing here? I'm a Raby sor. I came
(20:14):
back to get some of my things better. I better
get a raby shot all right, because there's now just
overthinking it right, let it go, closing time, semi sonic.
It is her life. Yeah, we know they're not Canadian,
(20:38):
but it's okay. General Acbar, I've got to We're gonna
have to stop these transmissions with each other. I'm busted.
I I'm I'm probably gonna get thrown out the air shaft.
Uh So you're gonna have to stop sending and and
and whatever coordinates I gave you. You're just kind of
have to follow for now. Oh you up? What you up?
(21:05):
I'm sorry, I'm I'm I'm I'm right now. If you're
speaking in code, I'm gonna have to respond in code
also because there are other members of the Imperial Force
around me right now. I've got the force and something
for you. What are you doing? Are you do? Are
you actively sending a code right now in vode? Who? Who? Me? Uh? No?
I mean I just heard you. You're not saying anything
(21:27):
in code or anything? Are you talking to lieutenant? Uh? Well,
I was. I had It's my mother's birthday and I
wanted to give he said Admiral Akbar. He said that
very clearly at the front bar or General lack Bar. Well,
(21:48):
he's I don't I honestly, I think he might have
gotten a promotion. Hey, everybody, I got a weird call here.
Somebody wants to know how to convert a general act
bar to a Tony Clifton impression, which is an impression
of a It's an impression of an impression. Yeah, an
impression of impression. So can you impression it is? Michelle? Okay, sorry, okay,
(22:08):
So then how about you taking it's iconic. I mean,
that's like the impressions of impression. That that's what you do.
You know what I'm saying, Like Jimmy click, for instance,
that's a derivative of what you don't Jimminy click, I
honestly don't know what that is. You try to get
into the gym Andy click your DVD set, Give me
the DVD set. Been fine, but no buy it yourself, Michelle.
(22:31):
When I find I don't know, I don't not rich. No,
will somebody take this call or not? I got a Michelle,
Hi there, I'll be transforming to an expert right now.
That is Bobby b on the p Hey Bobby's uh now,
why how many things in a knack box? Okay, So
(22:55):
you're looking to convert this impression to add bro dad bro. Yeah,
promatonic Cliff and I get a lot more saliva in there.
And I'd used the word trap, and I think that
that might do it. Okay, I'll give it a shot.
Trap a trap. Well, it's the holiday party here at
(23:23):
Numbers of Units Incorporated. So I'm taking off the headset
and Michelle, Michelle, you're sat but putting up with our ship. Please,
you're all my my brothers. You know what I mean.
I mean you you hooked up with all of us,
Michelle here because I came to find you and tell
(23:44):
you I love you, and that one day we went
on that was everything to me. And uh, I didn't
find my daddy, but I found true love and you.
So I'm back and I brought you this three dollar
bill as a token of my love. Can somebody convert
(24:07):
heart expansion to something for me? Second scene or first
scene even second scene one b are seen to be
(24:30):
and that she had found his what she had found
his dad? Just I feel bad for Ricky. We're so close,
so close. I don't think those guys were related, all right.
See two is from Andy, who wrote inspired by Joey
Grows Cross cross country road trip story the movie Taken,
(24:53):
but Liam Niece says Liam Nelson liam Niece's particular skills
aren't particularly is full in anyway, Andy, j E roll.
I have your daughter, all right, and I need one
thousand dollars to return her. What he's saying. He's saying
(25:17):
he needs a thousand dollars. I'm driving. I'm driving, I know,
but you don't want it on speaker, so I had
to relay this kind of ship. Okay, he says he
has a thousand dollars? Do you want your daughter back?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you can. Can I be taking
off speaker phone? Now? You're not on speaker That's the
problem I got. I don't want I don't want to
hear him. He doesn't want to hear you because I
(25:37):
hear the other voice, so it sounds like I'm on
speaker phone. You're not put him on mute really quick.
Rick put him on mute and put him on hold on,
hold on, hold on. Uh, I'll be right back. Listen,
you asked for a thousand dollars meant millions just because
well you gotta make it really clear, because I'm not
split a thousand dollars. No, no, we all the mechanic
(25:59):
at thousands. So I've switched it by crazy. What's going on? Unconscious?
I just hit her. She didn't do anything. I'm going
to drink all this Coca cola. I'm just gonna sugar
high paths out. I'm not going to do that to
use the ether whatever, just do something. I guess I'm
gonna go get some Lacroix. But straighten this out, Okay,
(26:21):
pay the mechanic of them all right here, the keys
of the car. Sure you want to pay me a
million dollars to this? No? No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
there's a it's not it's not a million dollars. I
thought there was a thousand dollars. This wasn't pretty easy.
I thought it was a thousand too, But yeah, I
was then a million. I think I'm just gonna go
with that. Gus, we're millionaire's neck. Uh, there's a mistake.
(26:45):
You're gonna have to revenge mode that back to me. Okay,
and remember paying the ten percent shit. Alright, alright, that's fine,
that's fine. Um now you see now you see it
can happen. It can happen. I told you could happen.
That fucking you, that was sucking you. You gotta tell
them it's now two million dollars. Okay. Sometimes the dot
(27:08):
is already there, and sometimes the dot's not there. Oh god,
these uh, these pits stops, sir, really important for me.
I got a weak bladder. Are you driving to? Look?
Just think of this? Are right, It's not a little conversation,
you know what I mean. I'm in the car with
the old lady, and it's like I want to talk
to anybody. Yeah, where you headed to? Are you headed to?
(27:36):
All right? I'm just gonna move to a different little
go ahead, go ahead. Oh hey, hey, how are you sir? Uh? Yeah,
I'm fine, man, I'm just trying to pay I know,
talking about draining the main vein. Huh man. You know,
I'm just gonna go sit down on the toilet and
p open up a spot. Hey there, sir, see friend,
(27:57):
how's your p going? I'm hoping to get one started. Okay,
as soon as I hear the sound of your p
that will get me going. Okay, but now I'm like
kind of I kind of stopped by the sound of
your voice, but pace stopped. So if you could stop talking. Oh,
I'm sorry, friend, is my eye contact to sustained? Yeah?
(28:20):
This is I'm sorry. Excuse me, there's not an open journal.
Do you guys mind if I share with one of you? Two?
Get in here? Oh? Thank you? They're touching a little tickles. Okay,
I'm so try that you started this friend that you
you know, because it usually we're also tense at the urinals,
(28:41):
and you just opened everything up. Well, you're looking pretty
tense at the urinal. What do you mean you want
to stop again? You we were just at a pit stop.
Just finish. I didn't finish. We'll just use a coup
use one of these gaming bottles. When do you? When
do you? When? Do you? Can we just cut right
to this. I don't think we need three thousand mile
long road trip to figure out where this relationship is headed. Okay,
(29:07):
what do you mean? What do I what do you mean?
What do I mean? Break up? I don't know, but
what do you mean? What do you mean? What do
you mean? What do I mean? Look, my daughter has
been kidnapped. Okay, hey, sorry about keeping on home for
so long. We had to straighten out some things. Um,
(29:29):
so I'm gonna make sure I'm not on speaker phone,
am I? Oh god? They hung up? They hung up?
Did you did you see the car that that I
came in here with? That? Was they just sucking left?
Did did anyone see them? I was with a guy?
Was it was? You know? You know, I'm looking at nothing,
but they're okay. Jesus left left me man hopping hoping,
(29:56):
though you know, it feels I don't know if it's
you and I are getting better, but it feels quieter
in the car now, doesn't it. I guess? I mean,
but they'll had to take two busses to get to
that Pitt. What do you mean? What do you mean?
Your daughter's kidnaped? What's going on? All right? Where's Kyle?
(30:16):
Okayle's here? He was writing with me here going so
you straightened everything out about the They were cool with
being two million? Now I didn't. I didn't get a
chance to actually clarify because they had some confusion they
put me on hold then, and uh it was for
(30:39):
a while, so I you know, I usually hang on
the call until people come back, but I eventually. But
do we get the million back from the That's why
I said we needed to turn into two million. They've
already paid a fee. So wait, you want us to
take this kid? I thought our transaction was not I
gave you the keys. Well, it's just that the kid
(31:02):
is worth a million. Do you have any let's cry?
I mean you could harvest these workers, and I bet
you could make even more, but she's already worth two million.
I'm sorry, I'm not going to harvest the kids Organs.
I have a sixty three Kimera'm in the middle of
working on So what happened to that coworker of yours? Yeah,
(31:23):
where's that co worker? Oh? Cletus? Mr Cleetus? Another peanut
Colada blaze, I'm a million. Um, it's gonna let you
know the other The ten ladies you ordered are on
a bus on their way here right now. Well good,
I don't want to drink a loan. And thank you
(31:46):
for employing us here after you bought this island. We
appreciate it. You're so welcome I'm well, if it's on
an island, how am I supposed to get the fucking
bus there? So there's no bridge inside? Any ideas back there? Now,
you're the driver, you tell us. You gave me the directions,
(32:08):
all right, you you sent it to me on my phone.
But it's definitely an island. I can't this is not
a floatable bus. Can we stop at one of these
rest stops? I got a pee cheez? All right? Hold
on a second. Look, look here's my resume. Let me
just work at this cinabon for a little bit. I
promised my buddy is gonna come back and scoop me. Okay,
(32:28):
while i'm here, let me just get some extra coin
on the side. All right, you have, you'd have a
pretty good level of experience and retail work. Yeah, so
hot dog and a stick? What was that like? Um?
It was all right, I'm gonna be honest. A business
model strange, they'll tell you this, but the hot dogs
(32:48):
come on a stick already. Well, you know, the cinebon
follows the exact same business model. So if that wasn't
a good fit for you, I don't know if this
is gonna be a good fit. I don't understand there's
sticks in the cinembon is. No, no, we have the
same parent company though. Oh welcome back Cleatus million dollars.
Does it go as far as you think? Oh god,
(33:09):
I've burned through it so quick. I'm shocked. You got
an island for that. So that was pretty good. It
was off the coast of Texas. Well, did you watch
these kids for a little bit. I gotta go back
to the camaro. Yeah, alright, look, I'm gonna pull this
car over so we can figure some stuff out. Okay, Well, yeah,
(33:30):
I think there's so many questions like what do you mean?
What do you mean by that? Which you mean? What
I mean? But that where is KYLEI do kidnapped? You
told me that you O E I ris sixty huousand dollars.
I think that's six million. Okay, well can you one second?
I'm gonna climb it, incorporating bring my god, you have
a landline in here with that one sec. Yeah, so
(33:53):
just following up. Daughters still alive, but we do need
the three million, three billions paid via Venmo. So am
I in speaking? No? No, no, no, no, no, alright,
A couple of things. So you were initially talking to
my buddy Kyle. Okay, so I didn't hear a lot
(34:13):
of the original conversation. Last I heard we do a
thousand dollars from my daughter, and I needed time to
think about that. So now we're at three million via vemmo.
Is that correct? That's correct? Yes? Okay? Do you do
you happen to know the number two numbers and units
and incorporated? Or can you do a conversion for me quickly?
I definitely can't do anything. We'll just try to try
(34:34):
on one. Okay, okay, I'll call you back. She hummed up.
Sorry about that. I don't realize this is bullshit. I'm
doing calls from now on. No, that's all this is.
That means you have to go to three times now, Okay,
I'll go to the garage then and get to check
(34:54):
on the girl. Alright, well, I'll do my best to
catch up with your friends. Uh, tell me exactly what
what was going on? What your role in this was
my rule? My role? Yeah, I mean we're we're we've
got we've got a bunch of kilometers to go, so
(35:15):
we might as well pass. I'm just going for you
to finish taking a ship. But you made me sick,
So I'm just wanting to contact all right, that's great, Yeah,
don't you Okay, you're gonna have to wait for this, sorry, guys.
(35:37):
I gotta take down these dividers right now, so it
doesn't matter. So look at here. Hey, okay, so uh
it looks like my buddy's daughter got stolen and then
that she was like it was like a ransom. Um,
(36:00):
and that's that's that's the whole kid in Kaboot. I
mean if he doesn't have any skills that would help.
I mean everybody has in particular set. No, no, no,
he he used to paint the jeans paint janis all right,
just general take it. I got at Admiral. That's total sets.
(36:37):
If you put a chart up on the wall, well,
it'll definitely all. C three is from Patrear Nicholas Mark Power,
who wrote, Hi, Kevin or James or maybe Cold? How
great was sketch Feste? I went myself and now I
(36:57):
heard Cole talk about it on a podcast, so I
actually to ticket to watch from Germany. Hey, that's great,
A solid, solid production, lots of old Plight guys in
their fifties. So I felt seen Gary from a t
guest spots is really becoming one of my favorites. Then
you were there playing Peter Falco, the famous Viennese pop
artists from the nineties, and you really rocked me on
Madas the Insult Dog and Weird Hour. We're actually touching
(37:19):
in their performance. I loved every moment. Also, Anti Donna,
come on, you're spelling me, So give call my best
regards please, I've got them. Thank you, and no, I'm
not signing up to Twitter to do it myself. Kisses
Nicholas from munich ps. Scene suggestion. Joe the Camel gets
arrested for d u I and spouting conspiracy theories, so
he gets sentenced to fifty hours of social work in
(37:40):
a kindergarten. Alright, class, listen up here. Sometimes we have
to do some stuff that the state wants and it's
not really our choice here, Jeff, sit down. You don't
want to stand up that What were you saying, Larry?
(38:01):
Are you a camel? No, I'm not a camel. The
guy who's gonna come in and talk to you is
a camel. Do not dumbass. Where does he look did
you look like a can? We dumbass? I don't know.
We were told we were going to meet a camel
in are just I need both of you? Sixteen years old?
I know? Is this another felon who has to complete
(38:23):
their sentence in our kindergarten class? Is this another who felon?
Oh felon? I thought you said fallon, which made me
think of Jimmy Fallon, which makes me think of my
dream to host a talk show which never uh. Now,
listen to Mr camel Um. We understand you're logging these
(38:45):
hours here at our school. We're happy to have you.
I am the principal here. A couple of things. A
couple of things. You need to fat no smoking, and
you need to remove those sunglesses when you're on this campus.
You understand that no ray bend wayfarers, no aviators, no nothing. Okay,
I need to see your eyes. Any questions, okay, all right,
(39:10):
I'll take him. All right now listen, you're here to
tell you are you're a warning? What's that? What's that saying?
You're a what you're a like? We don't you're a
You're a cautionary. You're no no, roll no, no, not
a role model. Mr Canel. You're here, you're a cautionary.
We need you to explain the kids. The dangers are
(39:30):
drinking and driving. Principal actor. Um no, that's a tumor
on your memory gland. Yeah, tumor on your memory gland. No?
I okay, So what do we do? First of all,
I didn't know I had a memory gland. Everyone does that.
It was a memory gland. Those are breasts, so we
(39:53):
have those, right, everybody is right, so we all have
memory lines. Like, all right? Is that correct? Calm down? Yes, yes,
I'm not I'm not even I'm said okay, I just
want to clear things up, all right. So you're saying
I have a tumor in my chest, No, on your
memory gland. Can you not hear me? Yeah? I'm a
(40:20):
memory gland surgeon. It's pretty glamorous, you know. How about you?
What do you do? I'm the principle of a of
a school. Cool. Cool. I'm a teacher. But I always
wanted to be a late night talk show host. My
dreams never came through because my my parents never wanted
(40:42):
me to be anything more than they were. I could
talk about this for days. Thanks for asking. Um, I
guess well, I'm here to pick up my sixteen year
old son who still goes here. Oh Jeff, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure,
he's in my class. He's the one who mentioned that
I'm not very funny. Um, but you're aminding me of
my dream to do something. And so what are you saying.
(41:05):
You're saying that there's some kind of like like drones
or tiny micro robots in the atmosphere that are gonna
called nano but Jeff called nano butts. And that's how
you travel great distances without using too much. Have another cigarette,
Mr Cammell, if you could talk to the whole class,
that'd be great. Class doesn't get it. Jeff's a little
(41:28):
bit more. Jeff's getting it. He's on the same vibration.
Mr Kama, Are you a drama dairy? Oh? What a
drama dairy camel? I have no listen. The thing is
(41:49):
is if you don't have some sort of ear plugs
in the first place they're gonna go is there, Because
when you breathe in and out of your nose a
lot of times the exhale of your Mr Cambell, you
Jimmy Campbell from Late Night TV. No, I'm Joe Campbell.
I'm Joe Campbell. Okay, Jill cool by the way, get
(42:12):
it right, Yeah, Jeff, Now wait, hold on, hold on, surgeon,
before you insert that scalpel into my skull? What if
I don't want to remember I've never been asked that before.
I mean, it's gonna get worse and worse and worse.
(42:32):
You're inserting the scalpel into a sculpt You're stabbing him
in the fucking head. Man. That's not surgery, dude. What
are you doing? Man? Okay, I'm I'm rogue, alright, I
have my old things. Do you fucking killing people? Man?
That's not you keep it doing this ship? Okay, scalpel
just cuts and then you have the peel off. Look,
(42:53):
I'm getting it right. Experimented on my son for all
those years now, and I think just Jeff, yeah, in
kindergarten that Jeff, Yeah, it was trial and error. Alright, Okay,
I don't know what the hell happened. I think it's
a piece of ship. I'm sorry, man, eight kids, guess
(43:14):
who's back? Principal Hector's back makes some noise for me? Yeah,
shut up? What happened to? What happened in your fucking head? Dude?
That student actually had surgery on his head for a
bullet wound, So he did have something happened to him.
Didn't something happen to your head, teacher? Didn't you have
(43:36):
some false ideas of of of Hollywood glamour in your
head at one point? Sit down? These chairs are made
for kids, Jeff, talk to you. Came here? What? Yeah?
What punch means? Jeff? Huh? Put you right in the face?
Dare you? I don't know? Alright, class seems like principle
(44:10):
got what do he wanted? So? Do you want to
come back later? Do you want to talk some more?
Can I Jeff's Jeff's okay, Jeff, that's enough. That's enough,
Jeff huh, Okay, he's unconscious, tired. I need to cigarette. Okay,
(44:33):
we'll go outside then, um So, teacher, Sorry, is my
dream of becoming a late night talk show host a
joke to you? It's just a little funny because you're
the only teacher at this school. Yes, I know it's
a small school. It's a charter school. We take over
(44:55):
one classroom, then we take over more of the school.
It's like an imperial Sorry. I just it's so funny,
and it must be so emasculating to hear me laugh
at your drinks, but it's nothing I'm not used to.
My parents did that to me growing up, and so
I've learned from that. Mm hmm. Everybody follow us in
(45:17):
here to bring the tour. This way, come and this
is where the magic happens. There's the desk where uh
Folon does his his his interviews, and right there's the
curtain where he does his cold opens and his monologue.
So take some pictures, take a minute and explore the space,
but just don't touch. Don't touch anything. Where do they
drink the blood of children? Uh? That's Kimmel, Hi, guys,
(45:42):
and welcome to This is where Jimmy Kimmel said, this
is where we keep the kids. We've got this great
kid right now, Kyle. He's got good blood. So Jimmy's
gonna be sucking off that blood for maybe six weeks.
So good stuff because blood replaces itself every day, so
if he drinks only a pint of day. I did
not ask to take this tour, alright, so it's free,
(46:03):
it's coming. I don't want to be here, sir, Just
you're on already. Might as well enjoy it, you know
what I'm saying? All Right? All right, you know I
have like a friend who is uh, like a p
A or whatever on Fallon Show. I mean, I'm sure
I can get you, like some tickets or like a
tour or something. A personal assistant mhmm, yeah, not a
production assistant, a personal assistant. Wow, I'm sorry, I guys,
(46:28):
I had to touch cut the tour short short. Piano
fellon Jimmy Fallon and we don't know what to do.
We need somebody to host tonight, and we're scramble um.
We're making calls, but nobody seems to be available. If
there's if anybody knows anybody that we could call, that's
you know, really funny. We could have them sit in tonight. No, no,
get the Camel, Get Joe Camel. What about you me?
(46:55):
I guess I never thought of that. I mean I
have thought about it, but I never thought this day
would come. Yeah, I'll do it. Here. It's The Tonight
Show with Jimmy Fallon. Tonight Jimmy's guests, Liam Nelson, Tony Clifton,
Joe the Camel. Jimmy is horribly crushed by a piano.
(47:19):
Filling it from tonight. A kindergarten teacher from Omaha, Nebraska,
Bert find Rich. Hello, everybody, I'm Burt find Rich and
I can't tell you how many days I've waited for.
This is one of my students in the audience. Shut Jeff,
(47:43):
you can't be here? Why not? I'm of age. That's right,
we allow sixteen enough. I didn't. I didn't think. How
did you? Oh man, you're gonna ruin this day for me? Jeff,
read the cards, Read the cards? Do the rabies? Jim?
Who's which one of you? Should I listen to? Both
of you were talking to me, honey, our sons on TV? Sweetheart?
(48:12):
Which one the teacher? Oh? Really? Remember we laughed and
laughed at it and we said we did, And now
it appears his dream has come true. Okay, let's start
the volume. And so I guess you could say, there's
too real quick, press pause, real quick, baby, Look at
(48:34):
the door. Yeah, I got to talk at the door. Okay, Hello, Hey,
what the hell is going on? Did I tell you
to take this guy? Damn lights off your Lanna. It's
blasting into my fucking window. All right, I can't sleep. Look,
we're already into June. Okay, so we might as well
keep them going until the who is that? Who is that?
That is our asshole. Now mother, Oh you have short
(49:04):
to remembory loss. Alright, watch this show. Our son's on TV.
Our son is on TV. Brabies because it shut Jeff,
just let me have this moment, please. Great because there's
(49:25):
two rays and they're both their last names. Change the card.
Fast forward. Let's see who one of his guests are.
Holes Liam Nelson, you want to get the door? Hello,
you just attached my husband asking you you turn down
(49:47):
christis wife? Oh god? And I have to prop him
up like he's like, okay, alright, okay, alright, We're sorry,
you come on, come on in. Okay, Our boys on TV? Right?
How did you hear that? There boys on TV? Honey?
(50:10):
Now he's about to what's doing? I guess that's why
A Clifton will never be a general? All right. Our
next guest coming in tonight is if everybody knows him.
Welcome to the stage. Joe Campbell can't smoke in here,
(50:34):
and I need to smoke. It's it's like a vitamin
for me. So you gotta got a new movie coming out. Yeah,
it's called Why the Earth Is Flat and how the
nano butts have changed our perception? Can you tell us
a little bit more about it. Is it fiction? Is
it nonfiction? It's nonfiction, and it really opens up the
(50:56):
eyes because we're living in a synthetic world and only trap.
What the hell? What the hell? Everybody down rank probably
Joe Gama, you're running there, rest What did I do?
(51:19):
I turned my time at the kindergartens? You're threatened to
that about start totally real and then you're not just
in your head. They're floating around right now. Ye Joe
Camel's trying to fight back, but he doesn't have the
energy level. That's my boy. That's my boy right there.
(51:40):
That's my boy, our boy, our boy, and that's our ship.
Let's thank your alchemists, see what they're up to a
little saying thanks for having me. I'm not up too much,
but you can follow me on socials, find me on about.
I don't know what we can do, but we can
(52:01):
hang out. Joey Greer on Instagram at God bless chim Chum,
you're gonna get a thank you. Follow Alchemy this and
follow Alchemy that. The fan run podcast that just attacks
Chris Alvarado every chance. That's my worst nightmare. Gig At
(52:25):
Kakowski on Twitter. See Kikowski on Instagram. Al It's Chris
Alvarado at Chris Alvarado and as always www dot Chris
dash Alarado dot com. Nice James Aney, go ahead and
check out bear supply at twitch dot tv slash bs
(52:46):
comedy every Wednesday at eight pm Pacific Standard time. Nice,
I'm at cool Stratton on Twitter at Stratton Cole on
Instagram says, well, last time go to a sketch fest
dot com rent the fest poklist video we put out
three and a half hours amazing com and support's the festival.
Let's thank our engineering producer Doug Baby and the fine
(53:07):
folks at iHeart Media dot com. From from Bump, please
write to us at your name here at alchemy this
dot com. That's your name here at alchemy this dot com.
Until next time,
Welcome back to another episode of hel Give you this
COVID nineteen one edition. I'm your host, Cold Stratton and
for Kevin Pollock, let's meet miss Shelley in a brand
new crazy order. Let's say hey to Chris Alvarado. Hey Chris,
what will be the big thing in twenty years? I
(00:24):
think sleep is going to make a huge comeback because
right now we're like busy, busy, busy, on the go,
on the going to go. I think it's gonna be
like very hip to get like twenty hours sleep, you
know what I mean, Like it's going to be hip
as fuck. It's gonna be kind of a hibernating nation.
Hibernation d dude, Yeah there, I claimed that for my
(00:48):
improv two Hybernation the Christians drop e what was that Hybernation? Drop?
Next up, Joey, Joey, I heard you invented a new instrument. Uh,
tell us about it. Oh my god, you guys are
gonna go. You guys are gonna freak your asses. So
(01:10):
what I've done is you can use any anything in
your house. This is the best part. It's not it's
not just a wind instrument. It's not just a string.
And someone it's it's not and it's any any kind
of instrument that you've ever thought of. If you have
this is crazy. Anything in your house you're gonna be
able to use. You're gonna be able to take apart
build based on the schematics that are are open trade.
What's it called open open? It's not open source. That's
(01:32):
not the word I'm looking for. It's open um mouth
the hell's the word of what? Mouth? No, no, don't
interrupt if you don't have an idea, okay, Uh, it
doesn't doesn't matter. Look, yeah, you give me your email,
email you this information, okay, and then you're gonna be able.
It's because it's anything in your house. Right So let's say,
for instance, you've got a you got a pound of pork.
(01:56):
I think I can speak for us all when I
say it that we're all freaking our ass this right now.
So get job. Everybody said, Hi, a tool sing a?
What's your go to snack at a ball game? U?
I get cracker jack. That's if they still sell them.
(02:18):
I try to get cracker jack. No, hot ducks. You
didn't get that away from me. I don't need it,
you know. Uh, that's that's going conventional, you know, like, hey,
let me just march and step with everybody else. I
don't do that. I do different stuff if they don't
have stretch the fourth inning, Yeah, yeah, exactly. If I
want to sing, I sing. So I enjoyed the chocolate
(02:39):
malts back around the seventh inning. Those are awesome. The
only face average, that's just no one no other time.
But says frozen beer about his favorite. That's his favorite treat,
Like a slushy beer. I don't know. I don't know
what skunk a beer? He says, yes, so, yeah, a
(03:01):
slushy beer. Uh, guys, say hello to Craigs Gay, Holy
sh it, Craig, Holy sh it. Indeed, Craig. What was
the first movie you remember seeing in a theater? Uh?
(03:25):
The sound of music. That's how you're supposed to say
the titles. People don't know that. I wish it had
been Oklahoma. That would have worked better. But nice And finally,
James Teney, James. We all had a signed reading growing up.
Was there a book that you were signing that you
(03:46):
just couldn't stand? Um, let's see. I guess well, I
didn't really like reading when I was a kid so
much as I was really good at reading the back
of the book and being able to just sit along
and be part of the conversation and yes, hand thing
and be like no one ever knew. I didn't read
(04:06):
the books. In fact, had an award one Battle of
the Books. I won Battle of the Books in sixth
grade and didn't read a single book. What is Battle
of the Books? It was? It was a competition where
a bunch of kids would read as many books as
they could on this list, and then they would have
trivia questions asked. Yeah, and I was great at it.
(04:28):
I mean you could just with like hearing a question,
you would just have to be able to say what
book that went to you. This doesn't seem like you
have the good skill of knowing how to like recite
book information. Is more as that you're compulsive liar. You'd
think that it was a compulsive liar, But I've had
this conversation before. Well, I might be compulsive, but it
(04:50):
is absolutely not. What was what's the word, Joey? You know,
because we had a stological I'm not a pathological lover.
I might be a compulsive flyer. Uh, you lie all
the time? You get off to it. I put the differences.
I have control over it, so I don't think it
is compulsive. I'll side with you in the book thing, James,
(05:11):
because occasionally I hadn't done the reading it and the
test came up. I remember that for To Kill a Mockingbird,
which I did read later, which I loved, but I
hadn't read it when the test came up and had
character identification, and I was able to successfully argue a
point where it said identified Mr Cunningham, and I wrote
Richie's dad on happy Days and it's it's like it
doesn't stay in to Kill a Mockingbird anywhere a piece
of paper, so he's like a damn smartass. And I
(05:34):
got one point on that. So there you beat them.
I mean, since I gamed it, I told I read
a lot of books, and I enjoy it as a kid.
I didn't want anybody tell me what I had to
do right now. His eyes went up. Oh, let me
(05:55):
just don't right now. It's Willow title. Those are things
around James right now, All right, let's do a damn show.
All of our scene suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails,
or from our Patreon v I p s to become
a Patreon supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content
and other perks. Just head on over to Patreon dot
(06:16):
com slash alchemy this. If you'd like to submit a
scene suggestion via email, please write to the podcast at
your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your
name here at alchemy That seen one is from long
time and now former Patreon v I P. Philippe, who wrote, Hey,
you crazy bunch. I've been once again re listening to
(06:37):
some old episodes and I found Chris's utter confusion with
kilometers what's the small small km? Hilarious? That made me
pitch a scene where a new overseas employee in a
numbers and units company whatever that is, causes havoc as
they are not familiar and maybe too embarrassed to ask
with a different unit system. By the way, tell James
(06:57):
I love his short news short show and I always
end up with the theme song stuck in my head
for the rest of the day, and I love that too.
Please disregard the weird formatting of this message, but I
drank too much coffee and I'm really excited about everything.
Stay crazy, please, Hi, I think if you're calling Numbers
and Unions Incorporated how can I help you. I'm trying
to convert I've got it's about the size of it's
(07:20):
about the size of a dollar bill, so three inches,
but I need to be able to put that into kilometers. Okay,
give me one stec I'm gonna put you on hold. Hey, Bobby,
we got a dollar bill conversion. Are you available? What
are you converting to euros or? Yeah? Two kilometers? He
has a three inch dollar bill and needs to convert
to kilometers. To convert a dollar bill into kilometers, can
(07:43):
I just forard him to you? Please, I'm just taking
the calls here. I'd love to take this one. Give
me one second. Hi there, I'm not going to transfer
you to one of our numbers and unions experts. Thank you. Okay, Uh,
this is Bobby b on uh P Hi Bobby. Uh.
(08:03):
My name's Jared. I'm just calling it because I've got
this three dollar bill. I'm sorry. That was ridiculous. Really,
it's not I I missed spoke, Bobby. It's a dollar
bill typically here in America, it's three inches long, and
I'm trying to convert that into I'll tell you what's three.
(08:24):
I think you were calling numbers in units Incorporated. How
can I direct your call? And man? Uh, me and
my friends are trying to figure out, like how how
many kilometers is a fuck ton? Okay, give me one
second place, Hey, Ray right? Yeah? Ray b oh that's me,
that's right? Yeah yeah right? Um? Can you do you
(08:48):
have time to convert um to somebody wants to know
how many units are in a ton? Can I transfer
them to you? Please? Yeah? Yeah, give me one second.
Hi there, um, I'm transferring now to one of our
Numbers and Units experts. Hey, y by, yeah, meet, My
(09:09):
boys are one and we're driving in Canada right now.
And how many kilometers is a fun ton? Because that
seems to be what we have left on this drive. Yeah,
a shipload shids ton? Yeah, shipload in Canada. If you
try that ship in Mexico you will get fucked. Okay,
all right, where you guys going Manitoba? I don't know why.
(09:30):
We just got drunk and picked it on a map.
So I heard my dad's from Manitoba. Thanks for calling,
Numbers and Units Incorporated. How can you write your call? Well,
I mean I so I have a question and I
just need your help. Alright, So I have this is
this is a question that has been in hot debate
with me and every and all of my girlfriends. Were
(09:51):
in a book club. Alright, we're reading a book. Don't
ask which book? Okay? Alright? And is it little fires everywhere?
Do not ask what book? Okay? I said that. I'm sorry,
Please go ahead with your questions. So I wanted to
know what is the difference between centimeters and sins? Great?
(10:15):
Give me one second, hey, Ray Jr? Right? Yeah, yeah, Um,
are you available for a call? Somebody wants to know
I want to convert centimeters to sinse? Well yeah, yeah,
shun it through second? Hi there, um? Is it Devil
in the White City? Do not ask? Okay, do not ask?
(10:37):
I transmar recall to one of our numbers and Units experts. Hello,
this is Ray Jr. You've got a question about numbers
and units. I mean, I guess I don't know. Look,
I'm trying to what's the difference between sins and centimeters? Oh?
Can I be completely honest with you? I I didn't answer.
(11:01):
You don't know what my answer is here. You don't
get to speak until I say if you can or
cannot be completely honest with me. All right, So what
we're we're reading Jane Austin Sense and Centimeters. Yeah. Now, look,
I heard from a very very reliable source that this
book not only is drama field, but hot and juicy.
(11:24):
It's like you're just budding into a really hot corn
dog right at the fair, and you know that hot
hot meat two juice just squirts on you burned skald,
but it cools quick cool. Sorry, you've pushed us the
wrong directions too many times, like I did not enjoy
fifty cents of gray. Okay, berniee, I see what's that?
(11:45):
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It was it was part of
the whole power series. I loved it. Hi. Thank If
you're calling Numbers and Units Incorporated? How can did you
write your call? Where's your your what's your mailing address? Gray?
Be you? Winter Million Dress says it was a prank.
I was trying to prank. Listen to this tape on
(12:06):
prank calls. Lit's it up. Everybody got a new guy
going in, alright, and this this new guy, this from
a new place, all right, from somewhere in Europe, Scandinavia,
craping on dailies. But he's coming in, him and he's
gonna he's gonna be shadowing each and everyone, all right,
so nobody's shadows Bobby b Bobby relaxed. Okay, Jesus Christ, Yeah,
(12:33):
I know who it is. I'm looking at you. I know,
just because of Ray Jr. People need to clarified. But
I see that's my point. But he's you're you're Ray.
I'm just I was just curious if, like, if you
weren't the owner's son, would you be in this position. Oh,
(12:55):
you know, that doesn't even bother me. Man, You know,
nepotism doesn't bother me at all. I live in lap luxury.
I enjoy it, alright, just enjoy having a dad. My
dad only from Manitoba and I never met him. There's
a ton of nepotism in this company. Thank you for calling.
Numbers and Units Incorporated now with a new Scandy Navy
and experts. How many you write your call? Hi, I'm
(13:19):
trying to discuss the I want to convert light years
and I'm not exactly sure what unit light years starts,
and but I'd like to convert it into the Imperial system. Okay,
I mean one second, Hey, new guys, Yes, which from
you guy, the one who started here on Tuesday? Who
(13:39):
started hearing to just let them both handle it. Oh okay,
maybe okay, oh yeah, you know what, I'll throw this
out to either one large Which one are you? I
have large by and I available for a drink after
(14:01):
work if that's something interests you. Don't mention it around
RAYB though he'll get a little any who. Um, I
have a color on on the line who wants to
convert light years into other units of measurement. Could one
of you into that? Yeah? I think we're both do
it together. Okay, give me one say hi there, um,
you will now benfer to two of our numbers and
(14:23):
units experts. How exciting for me. Hello, this is Laras
B and this is large C. Together we are large is.
It's fantastic. This is important because I'm working with some
space I'm working on the space program, and I need
to make sure that I'm converting this into the proper
imperial form. So I've got light years, and it's important
(14:46):
that this is exact. So I need to know what
light years starts in and it needs to make sure
that it ends in imperial Okay, so you're in the
rebel format right now. I honestly don't know the equation
that I'm looking at is just saying light years. Okay,
And you work for the Space program. I work with
the Space program, but we're working with people outside of
(15:07):
the Space program. And I used the word people very loosely.
These are justin I'm looking over at your report here, um,
and you you've repeatedly wrote lightsabers, this is of light years?
Is that something? It was? I was quickly writing, I
must have I must have lightsabers in my mind, I
was just it was meant to meant to write like
(15:29):
light years are you were the Empire? You know that, right?
We've been trying to rid the cosmos of the Jedi?
You know that, right? Sure? Sure are you trying to
code in some kind of rebel message? And no, oh no, hi, Ray?
Can I come into your office? I know your dad
owns this, so you could be the best office here.
(15:50):
Can I step in? Okay? Um? First of all, I
love working here. I love working here. Um. I was
wondering if maybe we could have Ray b transferred. I mean, honest,
I hadn't about that far. He's just we went on
(16:11):
a couple of dates, and you know, I gave it
up to him very easy. And now he feels like,
you know, we were an idol and you know I
give it up easy, you know from experience. I mean,
we have Ray JR. Oh gosh, I'm just lose my
mind today. I don't know. Can you transfer somebody? Everybody?
This is Ray B. He's new to the Manitoba chapter.
(16:32):
Let's give a good round of appost for Raybi. Okay, okay, well, well,
got a Ray B here. So it feels like we've
got so many rabies in this company. It's like we've
been bit by a wild animal. Sorry I'm late. What's
(16:53):
going on here? Oh you missed a great joke, a
great joe all we can do it again. Then, hey,
let's do it again. Okay, very this is I don't
know though, it feels like the moment passed. Just see
what it is. So we have a new employee here,
this is ray B. And then, oh, we already have
so many rabs. It's like we've been bit by a
bit by a raccoon. Well, oh that's good, more specific
(17:16):
this time? Something there? I think, Yeah, I guess it did.
Used to these jokes wouldn't work, that's for sure. Maybe, Um,
do you look like someone I used to know? There
was actually one of the things about somebody turned off
the radio. This is important. Sorry, don't really boss us around.
(17:41):
You just started working here. You know, we'd like to
have albiet music playing in the background. Sometimes it goes
in and out. That's why I don't. Okay, well, just
sometimes go to a album. He was hot there. He
played Okay. Well, what I was trying to say is
he learned the hard way. Don't play that song first
and every and leaves that for the very very You
(18:03):
get to your point because we got barn Nick and
ladies coming I don't know about fourteen minutes then coming up.
We're just saying, um my, my mom told me that
my dad is from Man. I told I've never met him,
and uh but they she said that I'm named after him,
So either Ray or be but uh, just I'm excited
(18:23):
to be working here. You know, what exactly do you
guys that know hi? I think it's calling numbers of
units incorporated? How many right? You're calling? Oh, man, he's
been shot. Man, he's been shot. I don't know what
else to call. What kind of gun? What kind of gun?
I don't know. I don't know the caliber size that
it's hard to determine. I don't know. It's like the
size of my thumb. I guess caliber from cling? Okay?
(18:46):
And how many? How many times was the man shot?
I don't know, three? Four, three or four? Okay, give
me one second. Hi, everybuddy, UM, have you can listen up? Hey?
What's up? What with the nine one one gang? Are
you taking our fucking phone calls? Um? You'll have to
(19:09):
speak to Ray No, no, no, no no no no no
no no no. We talked to you, all right, our
whole gangs here, crazy Petz here say what's up? Crazy Pete?
Silly Susann's here's say what up? Silly? Stop? Oh sorry,
Silicia's aunt j J. So what's the issue exactly? You're
(19:32):
taking our calls? You don't see us taking your calls
and changing the units and measurements? Alright, look at the
customer calls the other one. If they want nine one one,
they call you. If they want one, they call us.
So well, if they don't stop, there's going to be
an emergency. And then who are you going to call? Ghostbusters? What? What? Tito?
(19:54):
Punch him? I'm a woman, Ray B Senior. You might
call units and measures because I need to know how
many cups are in this finding I can't remember, so
go ahead and give them a call. Okay, there, what
are you doing here? I'm a Raby sor. I came
(20:14):
back to get some of my things better. I better
get a raby shot all right, because there's now just
overthinking it right, let it go, closing time, semi sonic.
It is her life. Yeah, we know they're not Canadian,
(20:38):
but it's okay. General Acbar, I've got to We're gonna
have to stop these transmissions with each other. I'm busted.
I I'm I'm probably gonna get thrown out the air shaft.
Uh So you're gonna have to stop sending and and
and whatever coordinates I gave you. You're just kind of
have to follow for now. Oh you up? What you up?
(21:05):
I'm sorry, I'm I'm I'm I'm right now. If you're
speaking in code, I'm gonna have to respond in code
also because there are other members of the Imperial Force
around me right now. I've got the force and something
for you. What are you doing? Are you do? Are
you actively sending a code right now in vode? Who? Who? Me? Uh? No?
I mean I just heard you. You're not saying anything
(21:27):
in code or anything? Are you talking to lieutenant? Uh? Well,
I was. I had It's my mother's birthday and I
wanted to give he said Admiral Akbar. He said that
very clearly at the front bar or General lack Bar. Well,
(21:48):
he's I don't I honestly, I think he might have
gotten a promotion. Hey, everybody, I got a weird call here.
Somebody wants to know how to convert a general act
bar to a Tony Clifton impression, which is an impression
of a It's an impression of an impression. Yeah, an
impression of impression. So can you impression it is? Michelle? Okay, sorry, okay,
(22:08):
So then how about you taking it's iconic. I mean,
that's like the impressions of impression. That that's what you do.
You know what I'm saying, Like Jimmy click, for instance,
that's a derivative of what you don't Jimminy click, I
honestly don't know what that is. You try to get
into the gym Andy click your DVD set, Give me
the DVD set. Been fine, but no buy it yourself, Michelle.
(22:31):
When I find I don't know, I don't not rich. No,
will somebody take this call or not? I got a Michelle,
Hi there, I'll be transforming to an expert right now.
That is Bobby b on the p Hey Bobby's uh now,
why how many things in a knack box? Okay, So
(22:55):
you're looking to convert this impression to add bro dad bro. Yeah,
promatonic Cliff and I get a lot more saliva in there.
And I'd used the word trap, and I think that
that might do it. Okay, I'll give it a shot.
Trap a trap. Well, it's the holiday party here at
(23:23):
Numbers of Units Incorporated. So I'm taking off the headset
and Michelle, Michelle, you're sat but putting up with our ship. Please,
you're all my my brothers. You know what I mean.
I mean you you hooked up with all of us,
Michelle here because I came to find you and tell
(23:44):
you I love you, and that one day we went
on that was everything to me. And uh, I didn't
find my daddy, but I found true love and you.
So I'm back and I brought you this three dollar
bill as a token of my love. Can somebody convert
(24:07):
heart expansion to something for me? Second scene or first
scene even second scene one b are seen to be
(24:30):
and that she had found his what she had found
his dad? Just I feel bad for Ricky. We're so close,
so close. I don't think those guys were related, all right.
See two is from Andy, who wrote inspired by Joey
Grows Cross cross country road trip story the movie Taken,
(24:53):
but Liam Niece says Liam Nelson liam Niece's particular skills
aren't particularly is full in anyway, Andy, j E roll.
I have your daughter, all right, and I need one
thousand dollars to return her. What he's saying. He's saying
(25:17):
he needs a thousand dollars. I'm driving. I'm driving, I know,
but you don't want it on speaker, so I had
to relay this kind of ship. Okay, he says he
has a thousand dollars? Do you want your daughter back?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you can. Can I be taking
off speaker phone? Now? You're not on speaker That's the
problem I got. I don't want I don't want to
hear him. He doesn't want to hear you because I
(25:37):
hear the other voice, so it sounds like I'm on
speaker phone. You're not put him on mute really quick.
Rick put him on mute and put him on hold on,
hold on, hold on. Uh, I'll be right back. Listen,
you asked for a thousand dollars meant millions just because
well you gotta make it really clear, because I'm not
split a thousand dollars. No, no, we all the mechanic
(25:59):
at thousands. So I've switched it by crazy. What's going on? Unconscious?
I just hit her. She didn't do anything. I'm going
to drink all this Coca cola. I'm just gonna sugar
high paths out. I'm not going to do that to
use the ether whatever, just do something. I guess I'm
gonna go get some Lacroix. But straighten this out, Okay,
(26:21):
pay the mechanic of them all right here, the keys
of the car. Sure you want to pay me a
million dollars to this? No? No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
there's a it's not it's not a million dollars. I
thought there was a thousand dollars. This wasn't pretty easy.
I thought it was a thousand too, But yeah, I
was then a million. I think I'm just gonna go
with that. Gus, we're millionaire's neck. Uh, there's a mistake.
(26:45):
You're gonna have to revenge mode that back to me. Okay,
and remember paying the ten percent shit. Alright, alright, that's fine,
that's fine. Um now you see now you see it
can happen. It can happen. I told you could happen.
That fucking you, that was sucking you. You gotta tell
them it's now two million dollars. Okay. Sometimes the dot
(27:08):
is already there, and sometimes the dot's not there. Oh god,
these uh, these pits stops, sir, really important for me.
I got a weak bladder. Are you driving to? Look?
Just think of this? Are right, It's not a little conversation,
you know what I mean. I'm in the car with
the old lady, and it's like I want to talk
to anybody. Yeah, where you headed to? Are you headed to?
(27:36):
All right? I'm just gonna move to a different little
go ahead, go ahead. Oh hey, hey, how are you sir? Uh? Yeah,
I'm fine, man, I'm just trying to pay I know,
talking about draining the main vein. Huh man. You know,
I'm just gonna go sit down on the toilet and
p open up a spot. Hey there, sir, see friend,
(27:57):
how's your p going? I'm hoping to get one started. Okay,
as soon as I hear the sound of your p
that will get me going. Okay, but now I'm like
kind of I kind of stopped by the sound of
your voice, but pace stopped. So if you could stop talking. Oh,
I'm sorry, friend, is my eye contact to sustained? Yeah?
(28:20):
This is I'm sorry. Excuse me, there's not an open journal.
Do you guys mind if I share with one of you? Two?
Get in here? Oh? Thank you? They're touching a little tickles. Okay,
I'm so try that you started this friend that you
you know, because it usually we're also tense at the urinals,
(28:41):
and you just opened everything up. Well, you're looking pretty
tense at the urinal. What do you mean you want
to stop again? You we were just at a pit stop.
Just finish. I didn't finish. We'll just use a coup
use one of these gaming bottles. When do you? When
do you? When? Do you? Can we just cut right
to this. I don't think we need three thousand mile
long road trip to figure out where this relationship is headed. Okay,
(29:07):
what do you mean? What do I what do you mean?
What do I mean? Break up? I don't know, but
what do you mean? What do you mean? What do
you mean? What do I mean? Look, my daughter has
been kidnapped. Okay, hey, sorry about keeping on home for
so long. We had to straighten out some things. Um,
(29:29):
so I'm gonna make sure I'm not on speaker phone,
am I? Oh god? They hung up? They hung up?
Did you did you see the car that that I
came in here with? That? Was they just sucking left?
Did did anyone see them? I was with a guy?
Was it was? You know? You know, I'm looking at nothing,
but they're okay. Jesus left left me man hopping hoping,
(29:56):
though you know, it feels I don't know if it's
you and I are getting better, but it feels quieter
in the car now, doesn't it. I guess? I mean,
but they'll had to take two busses to get to
that Pitt. What do you mean? What do you mean?
Your daughter's kidnaped? What's going on? All right? Where's Kyle?
(30:16):
Okayle's here? He was writing with me here going so
you straightened everything out about the They were cool with
being two million? Now I didn't. I didn't get a
chance to actually clarify because they had some confusion they
put me on hold then, and uh it was for
(30:39):
a while, so I you know, I usually hang on
the call until people come back, but I eventually. But
do we get the million back from the That's why
I said we needed to turn into two million. They've
already paid a fee. So wait, you want us to
take this kid? I thought our transaction was not I
gave you the keys. Well, it's just that the kid
(31:02):
is worth a million. Do you have any let's cry?
I mean you could harvest these workers, and I bet
you could make even more, but she's already worth two million.
I'm sorry, I'm not going to harvest the kids Organs.
I have a sixty three Kimera'm in the middle of
working on So what happened to that coworker of yours? Yeah,
(31:23):
where's that co worker? Oh? Cletus? Mr Cleetus? Another peanut
Colada blaze, I'm a million. Um, it's gonna let you
know the other The ten ladies you ordered are on
a bus on their way here right now. Well good,
I don't want to drink a loan. And thank you
(31:46):
for employing us here after you bought this island. We
appreciate it. You're so welcome I'm well, if it's on
an island, how am I supposed to get the fucking
bus there? So there's no bridge inside? Any ideas back there? Now,
you're the driver, you tell us. You gave me the directions,
(32:08):
all right, you you sent it to me on my phone.
But it's definitely an island. I can't this is not
a floatable bus. Can we stop at one of these
rest stops? I got a pee cheez? All right? Hold
on a second. Look, look here's my resume. Let me
just work at this cinabon for a little bit. I
promised my buddy is gonna come back and scoop me. Okay,
(32:28):
while i'm here, let me just get some extra coin
on the side. All right, you have, you'd have a
pretty good level of experience and retail work. Yeah, so
hot dog and a stick? What was that like? Um?
It was all right, I'm gonna be honest. A business
model strange, they'll tell you this, but the hot dogs
(32:48):
come on a stick already. Well, you know, the cinebon
follows the exact same business model. So if that wasn't
a good fit for you, I don't know if this
is gonna be a good fit. I don't understand there's
sticks in the cinembon is. No, no, we have the
same parent company though. Oh welcome back Cleatus million dollars.
Does it go as far as you think? Oh god,
(33:09):
I've burned through it so quick. I'm shocked. You got
an island for that. So that was pretty good. It
was off the coast of Texas. Well, did you watch
these kids for a little bit. I gotta go back
to the camaro. Yeah, alright, look, I'm gonna pull this
car over so we can figure some stuff out. Okay, Well, yeah,
(33:30):
I think there's so many questions like what do you mean?
What do you mean by that? Which you mean? What
I mean? But that where is KYLEI do kidnapped? You
told me that you O E I ris sixty huousand dollars.
I think that's six million. Okay, well can you one second?
I'm gonna climb it, incorporating bring my god, you have
a landline in here with that one sec. Yeah, so
(33:53):
just following up. Daughters still alive, but we do need
the three million, three billions paid via Venmo. So am
I in speaking? No? No, no, no, no, no, alright,
A couple of things. So you were initially talking to
my buddy Kyle. Okay, so I didn't hear a lot
(34:13):
of the original conversation. Last I heard we do a
thousand dollars from my daughter, and I needed time to
think about that. So now we're at three million via vemmo.
Is that correct? That's correct? Yes? Okay? Do you do
you happen to know the number two numbers and units
and incorporated? Or can you do a conversion for me quickly?
I definitely can't do anything. We'll just try to try
(34:34):
on one. Okay, okay, I'll call you back. She hummed up.
Sorry about that. I don't realize this is bullshit. I'm
doing calls from now on. No, that's all this is.
That means you have to go to three times now, Okay,
I'll go to the garage then and get to check
(34:54):
on the girl. Alright, well, I'll do my best to
catch up with your friends. Uh, tell me exactly what
what was going on? What your role in this was
my rule? My role? Yeah, I mean we're we're we've
got we've got a bunch of kilometers to go, so
(35:15):
we might as well pass. I'm just going for you
to finish taking a ship. But you made me sick,
So I'm just wanting to contact all right, that's great, Yeah,
don't you Okay, you're gonna have to wait for this, sorry, guys.
(35:37):
I gotta take down these dividers right now, so it
doesn't matter. So look at here. Hey, okay, so uh
it looks like my buddy's daughter got stolen and then
that she was like it was like a ransom. Um,
(36:00):
and that's that's that's the whole kid in Kaboot. I
mean if he doesn't have any skills that would help.
I mean everybody has in particular set. No, no, no,
he he used to paint the jeans paint janis all right,
just general take it. I got at Admiral. That's total sets.
(36:37):
If you put a chart up on the wall, well,
it'll definitely all. C three is from Patrear Nicholas Mark Power,
who wrote, Hi, Kevin or James or maybe Cold? How
great was sketch Feste? I went myself and now I
(36:57):
heard Cole talk about it on a podcast, so I
actually to ticket to watch from Germany. Hey, that's great,
A solid, solid production, lots of old Plight guys in
their fifties. So I felt seen Gary from a t
guest spots is really becoming one of my favorites. Then
you were there playing Peter Falco, the famous Viennese pop
artists from the nineties, and you really rocked me on
Madas the Insult Dog and Weird Hour. We're actually touching
(37:19):
in their performance. I loved every moment. Also, Anti Donna,
come on, you're spelling me, So give call my best
regards please, I've got them. Thank you, and no, I'm
not signing up to Twitter to do it myself. Kisses
Nicholas from munich ps. Scene suggestion. Joe the Camel gets
arrested for d u I and spouting conspiracy theories, so
he gets sentenced to fifty hours of social work in
(37:40):
a kindergarten. Alright, class, listen up here. Sometimes we have
to do some stuff that the state wants and it's
not really our choice here, Jeff, sit down. You don't
want to stand up that What were you saying, Larry?
(38:01):
Are you a camel? No, I'm not a camel. The
guy who's gonna come in and talk to you is
a camel. Do not dumbass. Where does he look did
you look like a can? We dumbass? I don't know.
We were told we were going to meet a camel
in are just I need both of you? Sixteen years old?
I know? Is this another felon who has to complete
(38:23):
their sentence in our kindergarten class? Is this another who felon?
Oh felon? I thought you said fallon, which made me
think of Jimmy Fallon, which makes me think of my
dream to host a talk show which never uh. Now,
listen to Mr camel Um. We understand you're logging these
(38:45):
hours here at our school. We're happy to have you.
I am the principal here. A couple of things. A
couple of things. You need to fat no smoking, and
you need to remove those sunglesses when you're on this campus.
You understand that no ray bend wayfarers, no aviators, no nothing. Okay,
I need to see your eyes. Any questions, okay, all right,
(39:10):
I'll take him. All right now listen, you're here to
tell you are you're a warning? What's that? What's that saying?
You're a what you're a like? We don't you're a
You're a cautionary. You're no no, roll no, no, not
a role model. Mr Canel. You're here, you're a cautionary.
We need you to explain the kids. The dangers are
(39:30):
drinking and driving. Principal actor. Um no, that's a tumor
on your memory gland. Yeah, tumor on your memory gland. No?
I okay, So what do we do? First of all,
I didn't know I had a memory gland. Everyone does that.
It was a memory gland. Those are breasts, so we
(39:53):
have those, right, everybody is right, so we all have
memory lines. Like, all right? Is that correct? Calm down? Yes, yes,
I'm not I'm not even I'm said okay, I just
want to clear things up, all right. So you're saying
I have a tumor in my chest, No, on your
memory gland. Can you not hear me? Yeah? I'm a
(40:20):
memory gland surgeon. It's pretty glamorous, you know. How about you?
What do you do? I'm the principle of a of
a school. Cool. Cool. I'm a teacher. But I always
wanted to be a late night talk show host. My
dreams never came through because my my parents never wanted
(40:42):
me to be anything more than they were. I could
talk about this for days. Thanks for asking. Um, I
guess well, I'm here to pick up my sixteen year
old son who still goes here. Oh Jeff, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure,
he's in my class. He's the one who mentioned that
I'm not very funny. Um, but you're aminding me of
my dream to do something. And so what are you saying.
(41:05):
You're saying that there's some kind of like like drones
or tiny micro robots in the atmosphere that are gonna
called nano but Jeff called nano butts. And that's how
you travel great distances without using too much. Have another cigarette,
Mr Cammell, if you could talk to the whole class,
that'd be great. Class doesn't get it. Jeff's a little
(41:28):
bit more. Jeff's getting it. He's on the same vibration.
Mr Kama, Are you a drama dairy? Oh? What a
drama dairy camel? I have no listen. The thing is
(41:49):
is if you don't have some sort of ear plugs
in the first place they're gonna go is there, Because
when you breathe in and out of your nose a
lot of times the exhale of your Mr Cambell, you
Jimmy Campbell from Late Night TV. No, I'm Joe Campbell.
I'm Joe Campbell. Okay, Jill cool by the way, get
(42:12):
it right, Yeah, Jeff, Now wait, hold on, hold on, surgeon,
before you insert that scalpel into my skull? What if
I don't want to remember I've never been asked that before.
I mean, it's gonna get worse and worse and worse.
(42:32):
You're inserting the scalpel into a sculpt You're stabbing him
in the fucking head. Man. That's not surgery, dude. What
are you doing? Man? Okay, I'm I'm rogue, alright, I
have my old things. Do you fucking killing people? Man?
That's not you keep it doing this ship? Okay, scalpel
just cuts and then you have the peel off. Look,
(42:53):
I'm getting it right. Experimented on my son for all
those years now, and I think just Jeff, yeah, in
kindergarten that Jeff, Yeah, it was trial and error. Alright, Okay,
I don't know what the hell happened. I think it's
a piece of ship. I'm sorry, man, eight kids, guess
(43:14):
who's back? Principal Hector's back makes some noise for me? Yeah,
shut up? What happened to? What happened in your fucking head? Dude?
That student actually had surgery on his head for a
bullet wound, So he did have something happened to him.
Didn't something happen to your head, teacher? Didn't you have
(43:36):
some false ideas of of of Hollywood glamour in your
head at one point? Sit down? These chairs are made
for kids, Jeff, talk to you. Came here? What? Yeah?
What punch means? Jeff? Huh? Put you right in the face?
Dare you? I don't know? Alright, class seems like principle
(44:10):
got what do he wanted? So? Do you want to
come back later? Do you want to talk some more?
Can I Jeff's Jeff's okay, Jeff, that's enough. That's enough,
Jeff huh, Okay, he's unconscious, tired. I need to cigarette. Okay,
(44:33):
we'll go outside then, um So, teacher, Sorry, is my
dream of becoming a late night talk show host a
joke to you? It's just a little funny because you're
the only teacher at this school. Yes, I know it's
a small school. It's a charter school. We take over
(44:55):
one classroom, then we take over more of the school.
It's like an imperial Sorry. I just it's so funny,
and it must be so emasculating to hear me laugh
at your drinks, but it's nothing I'm not used to.
My parents did that to me growing up, and so
I've learned from that. Mm hmm. Everybody follow us in
(45:17):
here to bring the tour. This way, come and this
is where the magic happens. There's the desk where uh
Folon does his his his interviews, and right there's the
curtain where he does his cold opens and his monologue.
So take some pictures, take a minute and explore the space,
but just don't touch. Don't touch anything. Where do they
drink the blood of children? Uh? That's Kimmel, Hi, guys,
(45:42):
and welcome to This is where Jimmy Kimmel said, this
is where we keep the kids. We've got this great
kid right now, Kyle. He's got good blood. So Jimmy's
gonna be sucking off that blood for maybe six weeks.
So good stuff because blood replaces itself every day, so
if he drinks only a pint of day. I did
not ask to take this tour, alright, so it's free,
(46:03):
it's coming. I don't want to be here, sir, Just
you're on already. Might as well enjoy it, you know
what I'm saying? All Right? All right, you know I
have like a friend who is uh, like a p
A or whatever on Fallon Show. I mean, I'm sure
I can get you, like some tickets or like a
tour or something. A personal assistant mhmm, yeah, not a
production assistant, a personal assistant. Wow, I'm sorry, I guys,
(46:28):
I had to touch cut the tour short short. Piano
fellon Jimmy Fallon and we don't know what to do.
We need somebody to host tonight, and we're scramble um.
We're making calls, but nobody seems to be available. If
there's if anybody knows anybody that we could call, that's
you know, really funny. We could have them sit in tonight. No, no,
get the Camel, Get Joe Camel. What about you me?
(46:55):
I guess I never thought of that. I mean I
have thought about it, but I never thought this day
would come. Yeah, I'll do it. Here. It's The Tonight
Show with Jimmy Fallon. Tonight Jimmy's guests, Liam Nelson, Tony Clifton,
Joe the Camel. Jimmy is horribly crushed by a piano.
(47:19):
Filling it from tonight. A kindergarten teacher from Omaha, Nebraska,
Bert find Rich. Hello, everybody, I'm Burt find Rich and
I can't tell you how many days I've waited for.
This is one of my students in the audience. Shut Jeff,
(47:43):
you can't be here? Why not? I'm of age. That's right,
we allow sixteen enough. I didn't. I didn't think. How
did you? Oh man, you're gonna ruin this day for me? Jeff,
read the cards, Read the cards? Do the rabies? Jim?
Who's which one of you? Should I listen to? Both
of you were talking to me, honey, our sons on TV? Sweetheart?
(48:12):
Which one the teacher? Oh? Really? Remember we laughed and
laughed at it and we said we did, And now
it appears his dream has come true. Okay, let's start
the volume. And so I guess you could say, there's
too real quick, press pause, real quick, baby, Look at
(48:34):
the door. Yeah, I got to talk at the door. Okay, Hello, Hey,
what the hell is going on? Did I tell you
to take this guy? Damn lights off your Lanna. It's
blasting into my fucking window. All right, I can't sleep. Look,
we're already into June. Okay, so we might as well
keep them going until the who is that? Who is that?
That is our asshole. Now mother, Oh you have short
(49:04):
to remembory loss. Alright, watch this show. Our son's on TV.
Our son is on TV. Brabies because it shut Jeff,
just let me have this moment, please. Great because there's
(49:25):
two rays and they're both their last names. Change the card.
Fast forward. Let's see who one of his guests are.
Holes Liam Nelson, you want to get the door? Hello,
you just attached my husband asking you you turn down
(49:47):
christis wife? Oh god? And I have to prop him
up like he's like, okay, alright, okay, alright, We're sorry,
you come on, come on in. Okay, Our boys on TV? Right?
How did you hear that? There boys on TV? Honey?
(50:10):
Now he's about to what's doing? I guess that's why
A Clifton will never be a general? All right. Our
next guest coming in tonight is if everybody knows him.
Welcome to the stage. Joe Campbell can't smoke in here,
(50:34):
and I need to smoke. It's it's like a vitamin
for me. So you gotta got a new movie coming out. Yeah,
it's called Why the Earth Is Flat and how the
nano butts have changed our perception? Can you tell us
a little bit more about it. Is it fiction? Is
it nonfiction? It's nonfiction, and it really opens up the
(50:56):
eyes because we're living in a synthetic world and only trap.
What the hell? What the hell? Everybody down rank probably
Joe Gama, you're running there, rest What did I do?
(51:19):
I turned my time at the kindergartens? You're threatened to
that about start totally real and then you're not just
in your head. They're floating around right now. Ye Joe
Camel's trying to fight back, but he doesn't have the
energy level. That's my boy. That's my boy right there.
(51:40):
That's my boy, our boy, our boy, and that's our ship.
Let's thank your alchemists, see what they're up to a
little saying thanks for having me. I'm not up too much,
but you can follow me on socials, find me on about.
I don't know what we can do, but we can
(52:01):
hang out. Joey Greer on Instagram at God bless chim Chum,
you're gonna get a thank you. Follow Alchemy this and
follow Alchemy that. The fan run podcast that just attacks
Chris Alvarado every chance. That's my worst nightmare. Gig At
(52:25):
Kakowski on Twitter. See Kikowski on Instagram. Al It's Chris
Alvarado at Chris Alvarado and as always www dot Chris
dash Alarado dot com. Nice James Aney, go ahead and
check out bear supply at twitch dot tv slash bs
(52:46):
comedy every Wednesday at eight pm Pacific Standard time. Nice,
I'm at cool Stratton on Twitter at Stratton Cole on
Instagram says, well, last time go to a sketch fest
dot com rent the fest poklist video we put out
three and a half hours amazing com and support's the festival.
Let's thank our engineering producer Doug Baby and the fine
(53:07):
folks at iHeart Media dot com. From from Bump, please
write to us at your name here at alchemy this
dot com. That's your name here at alchemy this dot com.
Until next time,
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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