June 11, 2020 • 53 mins
Nikki Schitts makes a comeback as a youth pastor.
Sci Fi novelists go on Yoga retreat and leader isn’t what he seems.
2040 — Joey Greer wins the presidency and creates the new national anthem.
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This this this COVID
nine edition. And I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Yes that
Kevin Pokers. Yes you did catch me at a good time.
What's up? Hello? Hello? That was so Joe, But I digress.
Let's meet Arakami Shawi. No particular orders. Say hello to
Caroline Catter seven seven c CS. Stat If you had
(00:27):
to address an auditorium of college students regarding what to
do after graduation, what's the third thing you would encourage
them to consider? Um to like maybe take a walk
every once in a while, how long ago? Talking anywhere
from one to ten miles. Try, Hey, it's time to
(00:51):
make camp. Chris Alvarado's here, handsome Dan of Chris's. If
you were to name your favorite pair of shoes, what
name sounds most appropriate? Oh, jeez, your mother. I mean,
this is a real touchy issue. And to say the one,
it's a big to do. I mean, like go to
his rhyme with random myth Uh, don't give me those words.
(01:17):
I don't I pass. I can't you get to name
these shoes whatever name you want, not not the brand,
just name them. These are my Larry's. Oh okay, yeah,
these are my Jeffies. That's easy, Okay, cool, Hey everybody,
it's James. He need time, Jimmy Red. If you could
change one thing about Joey Greer, what would it be.
(01:38):
I would change the fact that he really likes Mac products,
and I would bring him into a PC world and
we would run together with PC laptops and hold hands.
Uh would be con Actually, I feel like I'm tearing
up just thinking about it. If I could just ship
the video, that would be good enough for me. Holy crap,
it's cool. Stratten, the semi private dancer who was the
(02:02):
first famous show business person you spoke to ever. Oh wow,
um gosh, that is that is um. I guess when
I was a kid, I met some people locally famous people,
that's right. I mean some Michigan State football players. So
(02:22):
I remember I went to one of the press days
and stuff, and my mom worked at MSS. You and like,
I have pictures of meeting like hoisted up and sitting
on their shoulder pads and stuff. Again, the state university
football player and some of them may have gone onto play.
Some of them may have, so you've you've kept an
eye on their career. That's good. It's possible. These are
(02:43):
all good answers. And last, but may your shoes be
one size too big. If you think of least it's
joey queer, crazy legs. Give me one more reason to
love you. I can make a mean scrambled eggs. Huh.
And what would you say is the little joey you're
a secret you might want to share? Well, the secret
(03:05):
I got I got from my brother in law, Andy,
who got it from a French chef. So strapping, uh,
whisk like a motherfucker. Get those air pockets in there
because that makes them fluffier and lighter, and so just
like just so when you dump them in there, So
make that sound while you're whisking whatever you want to
do to kind of get the the elbow rocking and
(03:27):
then they come out just so fluffy, so good. Okay,
the French shout out to Andy, I love you so
much more. Do you use your elbow when you whisk? Yeah?
I strapped. Use both hands that go like this so
(03:48):
people can't see this. What he's doing. James is using
both hands like he's trying to start a fire, like
he's a boy scout and that that's gonna burn you. Out, dude,
that's gonna burn you out, so you want to use
You've seen my muscles and burning out. I just wanted
speaking of James muscles, there's a little cleanup crew from
the West Side Comedy Theory that met down in Santa Monica,
(04:09):
Um after the I think first night of writing. Uh
that that is to say looting excuse me, um when
the Peaceful March became an issue in certain pockets and
parts of Santa Monica were ripped up pretty bad, and
some of us gathered down there to clean up. James
uh And and the Mrs Aaron were there super early apparently.
But James was wearing a picture of this if you will,
(04:32):
so the red hair, and he's got an alchemyist alchemy
this hat on backwards, super cool, and he's got like
those kind of goggles the basketball players started wearing once
one of them lost a n eye. And then he's
got a brown tank top on and b mL spray
painted on the back of the tank top, spray painted
(04:53):
like long. It's just beautiful. But the tank talk really
able to reveal the gun show on heney Land and
I bought tickets and you said, b mL, I think
you mean b LM. Oh god, I was really hoping
I didn't do it wrong. B LM b LM using
(05:14):
my beat and yeah, yeah, you rarely see just the initials,
which I thought immediately when I saw the but they
had been spray painted on the back of his uh
tank top. Um so, so good on you, James. That
was awesome to see you on tank top. Yeah. No,
you did. You certainly did, and you did it correctly,
I remembered incorrectly. Let's do a damn show. Almost all
(05:37):
of our scene suggestions are gathered from your listener emails.
If you'd like to submit yours, please right to the
podcast at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here alchemy com. I love reading your emails,
so please keep sending them. This one seen one comes
from Oscar listener Oscar, who wrote, Hey, gorgeous, this is
your friendly neighbor in western China. Just the other day,
(05:59):
I was listening to your latest episode on a hike
through a glacier at forty feet The laughter it was
the only thing that kept me from passing out from
altitude sickness. Just left you a very much deserved review
on Apple Podcast. Yeah, I created an account just for that.
Sorry it took so long. Thanks for bringing struggling comedian
(06:20):
Nikki Shits to life. Who remember remember? Yeah, here's my suggestion,
Nikki Shits makes a comeback as a youth pastor. Love
to all, stay safe, Oscar, Western China. Thank you? Uh
is it? Father? I just ship my pants? Yeah? Come
(06:44):
on in? What's going on? Uh? Yeah? Hi? Um my family?
I wanted to bring them to uh to your sermon
on Sunday. Yeah, but I saw your name listed and
I wanted to make it see if that was a
typo or or no, no, Nikki Niki, it's nick father
Nikki with two KSh father Nicky. Yeah. See that that's
(07:08):
the part that I'm not sure the six and eight
year old will appreciate. Is it a French name? Did
you pronounce it differently? I think Nikki is Russian by origin.
And then the last name comes from You're you're saying
like the bad word for poops, right? Oh wow? Yeah,
(07:31):
I'm sorry. This is kind of my first a couple
of days in the mix here. Uh, that's my stage name,
and I figured to roll that over to what I did.
Your hostile work on the stage as a pastor yeah.
You know, I get to get everyone juiced up. I
have a lot of experience working crowds. So I think
did you say you were a comedian previously? I was yeah. Actually, Um,
anyway to hear any of your stuff? You got like,
(07:53):
just gonna do a set for you right now? Yeah,
do a set? So okay? Five? Um, don't you try type?
YEAHI father? Sorry, is it okay if I come? And I? Um,
you said I could host this set? So uh yeah, totally. Um,
Hey everybody, what's up? You know me? I'm Deacon, uh Sam.
(08:16):
We got a hot, hot show for you all tonight.
We got one headliner you're gonna love, Nicky Shits. You've
seen him holding the Bible giving master kids. Let's let's here,
let's put your hands together. Nicky Shits. Thank you so much, Deacon,
Thank you so much. Looks like we've got a small
(08:38):
crowd today. Don't worry. I hope my ships don't become
bigger than the crowd we got here today. So I
was just wondering, how many people here? How many people
are stidy diet? OK? So so you can you can answer,
you can you can answer, Deacon. You don't have to answer.
You can someone's going on? Are you right? You weren't.
(09:03):
I don't know what a steady diet is. You don't
know what a steady diet is? You know, everyone in
the congregation. Why don't we take a second here, when
we take a second here to realize what a steady
diet is. Now, we have a young man here, preach it.
Young man here? Your name is Bred Is that right? Brad? Brad?
(09:25):
I'm a young man here named Brad. And how many
people here I want to see Brad to get shifted
on father ships. Thank you for coming to my office.
I can still hear the crowd screaming your name. Listen,
we brought you in here because we wanted you to
(09:47):
touch the youth, right, We needed a younger. Maybe we
should use a different kind of terminology. I'm a father,
I'm father long Don and here I have a sister
bleed here. We are getting older and we admit that,
and we don't want to lose the connection, so we
need you to Maybe the connection has already lost, father,
(10:11):
You know, that's what we're worried about. We're worried about
are out of touch. That's what we're saying. Exactly exactly
what father is saying, maybe you too need to step
out of the way so Nicky ships can spread the word.
And my ass that's exactly what the father is saying.
I think. So you you get the message, which is good.
We need you to really reach in, you know, grab
(10:33):
the youth by where it hurts. You know. Maybe what
I need to do is grab the youth exactly. Yes,
that's correct, that's correct. That's correct. Oh, God, bless you, God,
bless you, God, bless you. Thank you. Yeah, I'm looking
for a Nikki Shits. I'm a former agent of his
(10:54):
and just coming to the small town. I heard rumbling
and rumors that he might be working here or something. Yes, yes,
he'll be here later today. You know, I don't need
my windows wash. It's it's fine. Can I ask what
this is about? Yeah, I'm a former agent of his,
and I uh, I'm worked in Hollywood and I worked
(11:15):
in Bollywood and any kind of wood and I was
just hearing that NICKI might be getting back on on stage,
so I mostly heard the word former. No, you don't
need to you don't need to wash the window. Yes, former,
we split ways while back and uh, are you calling
(11:37):
from your car? Sir? I'm in my car. My phone
is on. I always recording the conversation. I have to
my phone, but I'm not. You don't have to wash
goddamn window that car to drive away. So I just
wanted to know if you had any inside or any
(11:58):
idea of where Nick you might be. He he works
here at the church and he'll be here a little
later today. But hey, Nikki, that was a great, great,
really really good. Now listen, Um, you probably don't know,
you don't know me. Sure the water, get the water. Um,
you don't know me. But I thank you for the watch. Yeah,
thank you, that's yours. Anything, it's mine and George. And
(12:19):
that's kind of why I'm here. I'm a I'm a boutique.
Is this at scrap yea, yeah, take it, take it
Turkey avocado. So I have a very small, small roster
client rochter Ta. I've got to two of the best
birthday clowns in the city on my roster, and um,
why wouldn't you put anything else like to, you know,
(12:43):
to expand my roster. Maybe somebody with a little more
edgy like you. I mean, it's just blind, it's just dry,
you know what I mean. That's just like anything other
than just like a turkey avocado? Like, do you have
representation currently? And if not, would you like to get working? Here?
In this water's warm? So I don't know what you
want me to do with I'm not gonna drink. I'm
gonna say the biggest birthday parties are happening, and my
clients are making them happen. You said you dressed up
(13:06):
as a clown and you host birthday parties that you said,
I used to, but now I become the boss I have.
I have two clients and my roster. I'm looking to
expand my roster, and I don't have anybody like you.
So you're an agent? Is that right? Boutique? Yes, yes,
you have small but I'll fight for you. I'll fight
for you. I don't know how you say, but I
say an agent, and I want you to know that
(13:28):
I got out of that game a long time ago.
But the rule it's a new game. It's a new game,
but the players are the same. Well well, well if
it isn't nicky ships coming here to do this birthday
party with us? Huh you do remember men craps start? Okay, Connor,
I'm actually here to do last right, So excuse me,
(13:52):
hi father? Um, yes, so we were having a birthday
party for my son and then, um, he died in
the middle of it. Okay, great, Um but um yeah,
so he's just um, he's out. He's by the shed
in the backyard. So this why the hell is this
preached breach dressed like a cloud, because I think he
(14:14):
was coming back. No, it's your sons, you know, it's
your son's funeral. POKEM with a stick, just pokem where? POKEM?
In the butt maybe or in the mouth. Okay, here,
I'm gonna touch this tongue with my tongue. Get out
of here. Get these ganky kids, get out of kids.
(14:38):
So this is where he felled out? Father, priest, father?
What are you? Yeah, I'm I'm a pastor. Father. Yeah,
where are they called cuts? Did you set the called
cut somewhere? I'd like to put them out of Yes,
I put them bridge of course. Of course. Also, can
someone call the parents of these annoying, fun little kids
(15:00):
and have them go home and keep poking? My parents
called the parents. You want me to pick up Tyler?
You want me to pick up Tyler? Is right? Who's screaming? Sorry?
That's my that's my that's my partner. He's I asked
him to call you, but all he did was go
to the window and scream parents. And so I had
(15:21):
to call your tyler. Tyler's on a birthday and your
kid's birthday party. My son is dead and your son
is poking him with a stick. Look, I don't know
how you do parties, but if that's the case, that's
the case. Okay, party, it was a party. I understand
the confusion. I sent you an EVIT for a birthday party.
(15:43):
I don't want to be with my kid. Well, he's
gonna excuse to go to a party. He's gonna go
to the party's gonna stay there until the party's done. Alright,
the party's done. I'm telling you right now, the party
has done. So come pick up your fucking well. It's
too thirty. I think i'll pick him up around six.
Like the flyers said, I even, oh yeah, you sure
you want Nikki to do this service. He's gonna ship
(16:03):
on your kid. I know him, I know his act.
He's gonna ship We We've called a lot of different people.
It seems like everybody's booked already for last minute writes Alright,
excuse me, sir. Why are ukraine? Because that lady said
that the other guy was her partner and so business partners.
She's my wife and it's our child. What do you want?
(16:24):
I want another stick for me? I want another stick.
You're not allowed to poker dead pet him? Um, honey,
there's something I have to tell you. UM. I know,
I know that. Um. I just okay. I don't want
to that's the problem. I don't want to touch you.
I don't want to hold you. I'm tired of being
(16:44):
the big spoon all the time. Um. And basically, honey,
I want to let you know that my relationship has
gone from business partner to um sexual partners with Frank. Frank,
you can come out. He's hiding behind the curtain over there, right, Frank,
what are you doing right? Come on? That is extreme.
(17:10):
It's been a rough day, has it. You have to
call the bitch because your baby boy dead. Come. I
just give you one hole hold? No, fine, I'll give
you one hold. I'll give you one hold. Oh my god. Yeah,
I'll take a I'll take a water Coca cola ice.
(17:32):
That's a hard story, man, man, that's a hard story. Um.
But um, you said Nikki was at the party. Is
that right? He did the last rites he came? Sorry,
did you say water? Coca cola? Yeah? What is that?
Can you? So? I'm gonna put some water in a
(17:52):
glass and then add coca cola? Okay, what is confusion
about this? I don't understand. I've never heard water up
to so much water happening today. I'll be very bad again.
I'm sorry to hear about that. It's just it's it's
been a rough day and really it's just a weird
(18:13):
time for my wife to leave me. But I'm pretty
sure you know she's probably going through a lot. If
Frank is uh, well, he worked together really well. I
don't know. So you saw Nicky? Where did when did
he leave? This is kind of I believe I actually
I feel like he he left pretty much after the
rights were done. Okay, this is just a glass of
water and a and a glass of coke. I thought
(18:35):
if I split the difference you could you would make
it yourself. I wanted a glass of water with ice, coke,
cocoal ice, milk seven up ice for Tim? Milk seven
up ice for Tim? Is your name? Tim? My name?
Is my name? Is Tim? Really? Yeah? My name is
(18:56):
Tim and I ordered a milk seven up with ice. Okay,
you can have this one if you want it. I
don't want that. That's not what I would. I mean you,
you've solved the confusion. I didn't know who it was for. Thanks,
thank you. If you want to hang out, hey, um,
Mr Mr clown crap Crapper, the clown, crappy clown. It's
(19:19):
Conrad Creps. But okay you can. Why not? I see
you getting into this beat up car. It seems like
things aren't going too great for you. Yeah, I'm a
little down. Hey. I was on top of the world.
I was King of the open mic circuits and Akron
and little Nikki came along. He was seventeen at the time,
(19:40):
and he just took everything. And I haven't scraping by
even since. It must must make you feel bad. He
pulled up in a Bentley. Yeah, I saw that. It
makes you feel terrible, you know I but I wouldn't
give the switch places with him again, you know, just
for one day to be back in the spotlight. King V. Well,
(20:02):
what's happening? I think I'm switching bodies or something. Where
are you going? Mr Crappy to clown. Welcome back to
Michigan State University. You're going to be addressing the assembly today.
How long is your set? It's a tight, beautiful all right. Well,
(20:27):
a lot of the players are out here. They're very
excited to meet you. Would you mind I could say
hello before the set? Sure? Let the go around them,
you know the fellas. All right, first, I'm gonna bring
in the quarterback, Tye, your blintsk ty hey, ty yeah,
you got a second to meet this clown? Fellas? Ty
(20:51):
this is uh is it crappy to clowns? Yeah? That's me.
Nice to meet you. Fella. Hey, hey, look I like
your your uniform perfect for me. Crap on right now
you go, hey, crapping on, Tye. You don't gotta eat
the crap. It's just a joke. Calm down, Calm down.
(21:15):
Are you all right? You've been calling embudence? Alright? So well, boy,
you said that he turned to the key and it
made a sound, and then he disappeared into He just disappeared.
You're hearing the story correct, that's correct. But before he left,
(21:36):
he said something about he wanted to be Nikki Shits
for a day. I don't know if that is anything relevant.
So maybe the ignition of this old beat up car
can make me transfer bodies with somebody. Scully, what are
you doing, Jim Scully? What do you think is going on?
What do you mean? What? What do you think? I mean? Huh?
How far are you going to take this case? Who's
(21:58):
this beautiful lady? H I'm agent FBI, whoa Federal booby inspector? Nice?
Are you serious? It's kind of Number one two comes
(22:20):
from Justin in Portland Organ, who wrote, Hey KP, I'm
a devoted listener since two two thousand nine. Team. My
wife often finds me doing dishes at the SINC doubled
over and laugh the thanks for all the genius moments
of comedy. The skill level is off the charts, and
you each bring something unique. That's why it works. Scenes
suggestion a group of science fiction novelists go on a
(22:41):
yoga retreat. They begin to suspect the yoga leader is
not what he or she seems seems. See, so my
thought right now is that like for my I don't know,
I guess like the the bridge for the two worlds
is going to be a this this cybernetic uh like
(23:04):
overlord right that is controlling both the Uprising robots, but
at the same time is like all the humans are
super plugged in to like the other AI world and
all that. So it's thank you, Dr Rossman. Is there
any other questions We let the doctor go at some point,
but if they're we could have time for two more
questions for that. Yeah, I have a question. Ye, yes,
(23:25):
the lady in the back, I guess. I guess my
question is I think that the portal is maybe something
that you could find, like maybe behind a tree or
maybe under a tree, and could you just I'm sorry,
could you just hold to get the mic over to you? Yeah,
hold on, okay, um my question. I guess my question
(23:46):
is like if there's like I think the portal is
where it's like maybe on the side of the thing.
Can you hear her? Doctor, I can't. I can't. Let's
get the mic over to someone else if we could,
someone who knows how to speak into it. Yeah, I
got I got a question. Gentlemen on the on the
(24:07):
left wing there, Yeah, pass it down if you can
pass the mike to him. Thank you, Hey, doctor, big fan,
big fan, big fan. I can't hear him. Is he
I'm speaking into it? Mike is not working. You just
shout your questions. So, doctor, I'm a big fan what
(24:29):
I think in in my community, I can't I can't
hear what he says. Can we can we go to
let's go back to the lady in the back? MS.
Could you just yell out your question please? Sure? I
guess my question is like, what's the deal with going
to the other dimension? Do you guys think it's like
through a portal? Or do you think that it's something
(24:51):
that we have to like manifest ourselves with like math.
That's a great question, No way, doctor, So to reiter
rate for those of you couldn't hear her, when you
go to Chili's, what is your favorite order? My favorite
order at Chili's right now would have to probably be
the probably the bean pizza and uh if if I'm
(25:17):
getting if I'm really going hard at Chili's, I'll do
the I'll do the flat burger right, no cheese, no
bun um, I'll probably do no egg. I'll add I'll
bring my own Friday's Jack Daniel sauce. You'll bring it out.
I'll bring my own. Wow, that's great, and so he
(25:39):
goes on. He goes on to list other ingredients. He likes.
What I'm saying is I think the audience is waiting
for a book of this caliber for me. So you know,
everybody who's asking the question is representing the audience himselfs Damien, Damien,
I like what you do, you know, I like what
you do. Okay, but I'm looking for sci fi here.
I mean the entire book. I read it. It It just
you got a thousand pages of a seminar talk with
(26:03):
some Dr Rothman and the host and all these people
who can't be heard. It makes no sense. But but
what's the what does what does sci fi even stand for?
Let's start science fiction? Science Okay, what's the opposite of
science fiction? Science fact? Okay? Okay, see what I'm doing here? Um?
(26:23):
Would you too like to continue having this conversation or
can we get on with the yoga retreat? We have
a group of individuals here, right, Yes, I'm so sorry,
Yeah we can let's do let's do the yoga retreat.
I am so sorry to you. Don't have to apologize, um, right,
(26:45):
So everyone welcome. UM. I guess we already kind of
know um kind of a book deal going on. So
if there's anything else side, okay, um. And I did
make it abundantly clear that everyone has to be very
healthy before coming on this retreat. So I hope no
(27:06):
one's trying to hide. And he's smoking right now, and
I didn't think that was allowed either. It's certainly not allowed. Okay,
I'm sorry I did not put it out. Did you
just put on a voice for that? Because before you're okay? Okay,
are we allowed to put on voices? Yes, you just
have to let me know before you do it, okay,
(27:28):
because I get confused. Okay, any other questions before we begin?
Can we can we do the yoga? Yeah? Okay, okay,
all right, we'll start in. Um, I have a question
real quick. Is it going to get really crazy hot? Yes?
(27:50):
The room goes up to a hundred degrees um. It
helps with flexibility. And I also like it when people
get wet and sweaty for me, that's fun. Okay, okay, wow,
crazy And they just kind of randomly paired us up
to bunk together. But here we are sci fi robot guy,
(28:14):
sci fi alien guy. Yeah, it's crazy, right. We would
have thought it would have thought that we would be
it's nuts here together. It's crazy. It's just me. It
was I don't know. You know, I don't have a
big history in yoga, so I can't really talk. But
it's kind of weird that Yogi there was really really
into making sure that it was really hot and wet
(28:36):
in there, like super important, wouldn't start until it was
super hot and wet. Yeah, I mean, I'm familiar with
with the hot yoga well you know, but the wet
part that that weirded me out because it was the
dumping of water over us repeatedly that I was not
helping me either a be secure in my footing or
(28:58):
people were slipping. There was a lot of a c
L terrors on the first day. Yeah, it's dangerous. So yeah,
So so what I did is I put the sci
fi robot guy in the sci fi alien guy in
this theme. So I have I have a camera in
there and I'm listening. I imagine fascinating things are gonna
come out of this. You know, I could, frankly, I
could use this for my book. I think this is
(29:19):
a great plan. So let's let's just listen in. Let's
listen in. Okay. So yeah, yeah, you got to make
sure that you add a lot of flour to the
stock or it's not gonna you know, thicken correctly, So
you gotta do that, I mean, make it blendses is fun.
So I'll give you the recipe. Yeah, I really love
love that. Sorry, this is the footage. Ye, just the
(29:42):
two of them talking recipe right now. It's a live feed,
so who knows. I imagine they're gonna get to the
small talk and then get to the good talk. I mean,
we're talking to sci fi alien and side by robot.
What's the good talk? Are we looking forward? Do you
think something that has to do with sci fi aliens
or sci fi robots that would be great? And if
you core of it honestly? To me, what really matters here?
(30:03):
It comes loose on the waist, tied in the thoughts.
I'm the same way. I am the same way. You know.
I didn't think that sci fi aliens and sci fi
robot writers would get along as well as we do. Right. Oh?
I forgot to say, um pre heat, excuse me? Yoki?
(30:24):
Are you busy right now? Yes? What can I help
you with? Oh? You're busy, I'm very busy. Okay, Well,
I just can who are those people chanting in your
Those are my boys? Is this Is this where the
v I P yoga? Yes? Okay, well I was worried.
I just feel like I was expecting four element yoga
(30:46):
and I'm only getting too. Is is that where the
other two elements are? Look? I can I come in?
I'm I'm I'm an expert yoga person. Fine, yes, come in.
You're not listening to anything I've fucking said already, So literally,
just do whatever you want. This is ok you're you
know house basically, now you're already in here. Just come in,
(31:08):
come in. Just don't scare my boys. Okay, one of
those ropes, just take it. Why would you say it
says my name on it? It is embroidered with my name.
Why would you assume I would walk into your bunk
and immediately go let me sleep in your bed? I'm sorry,
I'm scared my boys. Boys, boys, boys, boys? What get
(31:34):
dunk your heads in the water? Boys? Yes? Okay, what
were you saying? You're wearing my robe? It actually looks
good on you. What can I help you with? Thank you? Well,
I just felt like I was ready for the next
two elements. We get the heat or fire, and we
get you know, water, But I wanted, you know, I
(31:56):
was promised four elements of yoga here the earth and wind.
That's you bring that yourself. You'll find that within you,
and so the audience, well, you know, the reader will
understand that those last two elements are within Damien, Damien,
I'm just trying to send on myself. Okay. Look, can
we talk about this when we're out, all right? I
(32:19):
just I'm hot. I'm hot right now. You know we're
all hot as hot as start. You're having a full
volume conversation in the middle of a yoga class. Okay,
So as a punishment, I am turning the heat up
to one degrees. Yes, it's a punishment, and I am
dunking you all with my water. Boys will come through
and they'll dunk you all. Okay, what you're gonna get more?
(32:43):
There we go, There you go, there you go. All right,
and now we're going to transition to dog. Sorry I
should have told you boys. Okay, Okay, now it's getting good. Listen,
listen in. This is what I've been hoping for. What
did we want? Okay? Here we go. Listen to this.
(33:06):
I mean, did you did you hear that? Uh? Sci
fi wizard guy didn't even come back. You want to
talk to Yogi like this afternoon didn't return. Yeah, I mean,
I don't want to like start spreading sci fi rumors here,
But the word is they saw him roaming the beach
early morning, muttering to himself, wearing the yogis fucking rope
(33:28):
bing bung? Hello? Hold on, sorry, what's my phone? Hello?
He's just Jim. Yeah, this is a JOm Hey jo?
What room am I in? Is this a prank call?
This a fucking prank call? Are you pranking me? Right now? Okay, sorry,
(33:52):
I'm just kidding. They wanted to know what room you're in? Yeah,
hardcover novelists across the way or having retreated there. It's
a pretty low stakes prank. Yeah, but it hurts nonetheless.
So anyway, God, I got under my skin. I got
under my skin. I know I was shouldn't it, but
it fucking got under my ska. Damn. You need you
(34:15):
need to sci fi focus here, um, because let's steal
the yoga boat, go over to their camp and and
and I don't know, burn some ship or oh you
know what we could do? You know what we could do?
Do you know what we could do? Huh? I don't
please tell me, do you know what we could do.
Do you know what we could do? Huh? I've probably
answered that. I don't think they're gonna stop calling. Oh,
(34:36):
don't want hello? This is yes, it is who's calling.
Choose your balls? Okay, this is a prank. Okay, okay,
fuck you, fuck you. God damn it. When I heard that, Um,
they wanted you to show them your balls over the phone. Yeah,
I wasn't gonna do it. I wasn't gonna do it.
(34:57):
So wait, we're talking about stealing the yoga boat. Yeah,
it got under my skin. Man, I don't want it
to be, but it did, got in my gun near
the skin. Look, let's steal the boat. Let's go over there.
You know what we could do? Mrs yogi head, you
can just call me Sandra. I don't None of those
(35:18):
titles are necessary, Okay, Sandra. Um, I'm one of the
patrons here. We've been having a really nice retreat. Um.
There's been talk that you're not letting us in on
who it is you are exactly. Um, well, my name
is Sandra, I have my water boys, and this is
(35:41):
a yoga retreat. I don't know what more information, Oh,
I don't know. Do the numbers zero zero one one
zero zero one means anything to you? Who told you that?
Who told you? Zero? Zero one one zero one? I
can't a roboto zero that. Scene number two O my gud.
(36:11):
Scene three to come to us from Garat, who wrote,
Dear Alchemists, you are all a shunning light in these
humorist gray days of pandemic anting lists. Scene suggestion. It's
Joey Greer has won the presidency in a landslide. Within
days of his inauguration, he delivers on his campaign promised
to create a new bill changing the national anthem to
(36:33):
come on, let's just hang out, come on, let's eat beef.
Senators debate his proposed new anthem. Enjoy Garrett from Detroit,
what's the problem with it? Mr? President? What you're two o'clock?
Is here? Is it? My agent using my agent comes
(36:55):
around two o'clock. My agent usually pops Center on that time,
sols Carl Stephenson, Carl Susan. Yeah, put him, bring him,
bring him in, Put him in and bring him in. Okay,
he's wearing a T shirt and shorts. Sir, I'm not
sure that's appropriate actire for the over office. I think
it's fine. Okay, there's a kiddie pooling here. Just in
(37:19):
a second. Mr Stephenson, Yeah, hi, Hi, the President will
see you now, sir, great, great? What up? Man up? Top?
No that to me? Are you doing that to me?
Or you? Yeah? What's up? Man? I didn't know what.
High five back to you? Baby? Nice? Nice? Nice? What's up?
(37:43):
How do I know you? What your deal? How did
you get in? Uh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.
Can I can't take a little dippy? Yeah, go for it?
Hell yeah now, Mr Stephens, Senator Stevens, Director Mundo, I'm
all right, serious, sucker. You're a senator from Nevada, and
as I know, you're on defense about changing the antheamo. Yeah, yeah,
(38:09):
on the piece of ship. Come on, come on, come on,
why you know why? Why? What was? Why? What? Why
do you want to change it? Come on, let's all
hang out. Come on, seed beef. Huh Why people can
(38:34):
say that that's a universal language? English is a universal language.
M m m m you know what you know what
I mean? I mean, Nevada is in, Nevada is in
Okay you okay? I am at of here. Bye bye
bye bye bye bye, Mr President, Mr President. Yes, man,
(38:57):
I have a moment of your time. You can. My
constituents in the Great State of Georgia have concerns about
all hanging out and all eating meat. They wanted me
to run them by you so because quite frankly, we
might succeed from the union if we have to see it. Oh,
(39:18):
that's easy. Is that? It's just that it fucking doude dude,
I'll beat the ship out of your asks if you
do that ship dude, all right, you're f kidding me,
do it. I don't give a fun dude. I filmed
a movie with Kurt Russell straight to DVD. Didn't he
didn't get released, but I filmed it with Kurt Russell,
so I know how to fu handle myself. My man, Okay,
I missed the president. Uh. I mean, I do love
this country, and h I do love you and your
(39:41):
word I leave. Do you hear a dumb you sounded
you're gonna leave and then you love it? How dumb
is that? I personally love it? But I represent the
people of Georgia. Kurt Russell personally told me I'm super chill,
and he wanted to hang out. We weren't able to
conflicts bit conflicts, but we did we we hung out
on set. Understand that. Let me tell the people that
(40:01):
Georgia that you are from the playback. The President told
the governor from Georgia he would beat his ass if
he didn't get on board with the anthem. We're gonna
now go to the field for another report from Tina Carter. Tina, Hi, Yeah,
(40:22):
we're out here on the field in front of the
White House. Um. You know, as you can see, some
of the windows in the White House are broken because
the President keeps kind of in a cartoonish way throwing
senators out there to quote prove a point unquote. Um,
so as and we see now another one is just
coming through. See if you can grab an interview with
(40:44):
the senator. Let me run Hi, sir, sir, sir, Hi,
I'm Tina from ABC News. So you're the Senator of Massachusetts, right,
let's hang out and that's the present. Let's see beef.
(41:06):
So you were we just saw you get injected through
the window of the White House. You tell me a
little bit about that. I said, I said, I can't
beat the song. And then he said what's that? And
what and he said look over there, and then I looked,
and then he threw me out to the window, and
I landed on my face and my plate, and I'm
already you landed on your face and your butt. I
think that's kind of impossible. Yeah, it's a bad day.
(41:32):
Anything else is bad happened aside from getting kicked out
of a window. I think I think he's going to
get what he wants. I think that's gonna be our
new anthem. James, you're my secretary defense. I am just
really I'm not organized. You're my secretary of the treasure.
(41:52):
I know it's a lot of pressure. I made up
another secretary position for you. Secretary. What the hell am
I supposed to do? Huh? I don't know. You're my
most trusted and only advisor. Okay, I know it's just
maybe you should get fill each position with a different person.
It's not going to pass that I'm gonna be able
(42:13):
to clone you. And have you wait a second, what
if we're able to clone you? I don't think we should. No, no,
no, no no, no no. I I really, honestly, I feel
pretty exhausted being one person. I don't want to be
a whole bunch of people. What Joey, I can't be
cloned I'm exhausted. You wouldn't be tired as the clone.
The clone would be the whole another thing. It'd be
like alright, James entered the chamber here for the record,
(42:37):
I don't want to do that. There's a lot of
smoke coming out of that chamber, fire smoke. There's the
rails going in there. I don't want to go in there. Please,
you have to see an executive order, James, let's go inside.
The skin ready to be removed. Oh, I don't want
your skin is going to be removed for it's a
(42:58):
quick procedure. It's only about four hours. So um, we're
gonna go ahead and uh like, go ahead. Hold on
to the handles there on the side, these handles for
Katie penis what is in ivory right now? To preserve it.
It's it's gonna hurt a lot, all right. How's he
(43:23):
doing in there? You know? Is the outpatient? Good? Is?
When when am I going to get more? James's well,
the penis replicated, fine, but there was a problem with
the rest of it. Problem. What do you mean problem? Well,
there's clones on the clones what well, I'll just you'll
just have to see it. I'm not a doctor. Doctor
(43:43):
speak to me like I'm a dumb guy. You know
in the movie Total Recall where the guy has a
little quatto on his stomach, the guy, the guy and
the guy, well his name is quat, right, Yeah, that's
you know what I'm saying. It's like that. But the
character the thing is called Quata, you know whatever. Alright,
but it up Tata. Look the thing is this movie
is a sci fi classic. Okay, don't shot on that,
(44:05):
all right, I'm not hitting at it. I used it
to the analogy because I love the film that to
the short fucking story and made a classic. Do you
know that? Huh yeah, I understand. It's Phil Okay, Dick,
it's great. It's it's a fucking bad ass dude. That
part where schwartz Niger takes off the little mask. Look
what what this doctor dick to me is all over
(44:26):
my Hi, Joe, you got to tell this doctor to
remove these penises off of me. Don't kiss him. Do
not kiss him. It does not do you want to
be kissed? James? Okay, I I gotta go on a
(44:48):
little trip. Okay, what you can't leave me here here
next to me? James, listen to me. Okay, I'm the president.
I'm the president. Okay, I get to do I have
to do things. And if you can't do whatever we
need you to do, James, I need your my advisor. Okay,
I'm gonna have to public James. I know that. Okay,
I know that. Okay. Right now I'm juggling the presidency
(45:10):
and I'm trying to get a movie deal. Okay. I
got a lot of things going on in my life.
All right, So I need you to as a president
if you could just uh, I hate to say that,
put it this way, but an elevator pitch for the
film would be helpful. We can see what you see, yes, yes,
of course, so um uh uh to armadillos live action
(45:35):
that are trying to find a magic key to get
them out to get to open up a portal so
they go back to their armadillo um dimension. So we're
on the same page. Do you actually mean the animal
seen mostly as road kill in the state of Texas, Yes, yeah, okay,
(45:58):
but they're taking on human care juristics, yes. Do they
wear hats? Yeah? Yeah, I think that's totally talk about that. Yes,
So we have a question. Assist. Thanks for thanks for
taking the meeting. I think lions Gate is gonna be
super into this script. It's called Dicks Ahoy. It's about
(46:21):
a guy every hour on the hour, more dicks pop
up on his body. Keep talking. Yeah, so eventually, I
mean it's really funny at first, but then it becomes
a bit of a horror story as he's completely overtaken
by these dicks. Okay, the dicks are out to get
him somehow. Yeah. Well, initially they love him because they're
(46:42):
his host, but then they realize that he's not paying
enough attention to them, so they rise up, this is
a guy, This is a guy. Yeah, but I mean
you're telling me the guy is not paying attention to
his dicks. Dr Turmrn. You know you were pitching the
Lion's Gate as well, Mr President. Uh, yeah, it's good.
(47:06):
You know they have a they can green light several films.
I don't think, I don't know competing. Do you mind
if I see your pitch? Sure? Sure, it's what did
you give me your pitch? Actually? Okay? Uh, that's about
a guy who every hour on the hour, a bunch
of dicks keep popping up all over him, and so
(47:30):
so within the movie, he sells a movie. Okay, now
this is the book. Look, look, look, it's too convoluted.
It makes you goddamn sense as you've got away from
the point about him wanting to make the national anthem.
That was completely about. I don't know how many times
I have to reprimand YouTube for a meeting in the
middle of class, but this is the last time, and
(47:51):
I mean it for real temperature. What am I gonna do?
I'm a boy. I don't know if you've noticed. It
took everyone here a long time, and you guys must
be dumb. But from waist down, I am basically microchips
and the top I am a human woman. So yes,
you look good in yoga pans. Still am I right?
(48:12):
Thank you? I do a good thank you, and that
actually means a lot. I do like it when men
comment on my body because that's mainly why I exist.
So thank you so much. But if you guys do
that again, I'm turning the temperature up to fifty degrees
for me. It doesn't matter. Okay, I'm a robot, but
(48:33):
that should matter. There should be a temperature thing that
like you know, Also, the water should distort the chips.
There's a lot of I mean, yeah, we got a question. Hey, sorry,
I'm gonna need a new yoga mat because that is
crept over in Jesus hilarious though, right, I should think
it a wrong. That was funny. That was funny. Okay,
(48:55):
So I'm assuming we're gonna end this yoga session in
the way we and all of them. And that's the
thing that I guess exactly. Someone please stand up, put
your right hand on your heart. Um, well, her heart
is on her head. Look at that. That's weird, cool cool?
All right? Shall we? Yes, let's the American anthem, Let's
(49:23):
hang outday, always leave them wanting less. It's harder to
(49:48):
sing on zoom calls than in person. Let's thank all
of our alchemist, starting with the very James Heeney. James,
thank you so much. How is your hashbrown supply? We're
getting seen emailing raies about that. I'm not even actually
funny story. It was doing well for a while, but
the past two orders that I've made, they have asked
(50:08):
me if it was okay to replace those hash browns
with shredded potatoes. And that is not okay. So I
have not a lot left. I don't know what's going
to happen. I mean, it's been minced potatoes. I don't
know what it is. It's all packed into a patty
and or a phone call with some sort of missive
(50:31):
from the folks you ordered from saying how about shredded
potatoes instead? Well, here's what happens when I use instatcart
is they have a little thing that pops up and says,
is it okay for this to be a replacement? And
I will. I'll approve almost everything, but I am not
going to approve shredded potatoes. Clearly they don't dealing with
I mean, yeah, good on you, but I am almost out.
(50:53):
So anyone listening, remember James is almost out of hash
Browns from Costco. Right, Oh, I shu, I had a
Costco card. I use Smart and Final. It's pretty close.
I wouldn't say it's close by, man, I wouldn't say
it's a big boxes and damned do I like big boxes? Okay, okay, Wow,
(51:18):
that went sideways. Caroline Connor, thank you so much for
being here today. Happy here, huh and uh good luck
in the coming days. You'll keep us posted on your progress.
Yeah please, we'd like to know, you know, post up?
Oh yeah, yeah, Yeah, it's a big operation and it's
not really considered essential or allowed by doctors, so I'm excited.
(51:42):
Yeah you should be. Chris Baro, thank you so much, buddy,
Thank you for having me and Cole Stratton. Great to
have you back and fold and uh the entire damn magazine.
So thank you for joining us again. Thanks always, good
to be here. Joey Greer, that's my name. What happened?
(52:06):
I don't know, I don't know fair enough. Thank you
very much for being here. As always, Let's thank our
producer and engineer to the stars, Mr Dougan. Find folks
at I Heeart Media. Please attend to right to the podcast.
Love reading your emails responding to them. That's your name
(52:26):
here at alchemy this dot com. Please right to your
name here at alchemy this dot com. I'm your host,
Kevin pob We love you so very much. Please stay healthy,
please be safe. Until next time. The boy bet a
(53:05):
pall of pepper for he
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This this this COVID
nine edition. And I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Yes that
Kevin Pokers. Yes you did catch me at a good time.
What's up? Hello? Hello? That was so Joe, But I digress.
Let's meet Arakami Shawi. No particular orders. Say hello to
Caroline Catter seven seven c CS. Stat If you had
(00:27):
to address an auditorium of college students regarding what to
do after graduation, what's the third thing you would encourage
them to consider? Um to like maybe take a walk
every once in a while, how long ago? Talking anywhere
from one to ten miles. Try, Hey, it's time to
(00:51):
make camp. Chris Alvarado's here, handsome Dan of Chris's. If
you were to name your favorite pair of shoes, what
name sounds most appropriate? Oh, jeez, your mother. I mean,
this is a real touchy issue. And to say the one,
it's a big to do. I mean, like go to
his rhyme with random myth Uh, don't give me those words.
(01:17):
I don't I pass. I can't you get to name
these shoes whatever name you want, not not the brand,
just name them. These are my Larry's. Oh okay, yeah,
these are my Jeffies. That's easy, Okay, cool, Hey everybody,
it's James. He need time, Jimmy Red. If you could
change one thing about Joey Greer, what would it be.
(01:38):
I would change the fact that he really likes Mac products,
and I would bring him into a PC world and
we would run together with PC laptops and hold hands.
Uh would be con Actually, I feel like I'm tearing
up just thinking about it. If I could just ship
the video, that would be good enough for me. Holy crap,
it's cool. Stratten, the semi private dancer who was the
(02:02):
first famous show business person you spoke to ever. Oh wow,
um gosh, that is that is um. I guess when
I was a kid, I met some people locally famous people,
that's right. I mean some Michigan State football players. So
(02:22):
I remember I went to one of the press days
and stuff, and my mom worked at MSS. You and like,
I have pictures of meeting like hoisted up and sitting
on their shoulder pads and stuff. Again, the state university
football player and some of them may have gone onto play.
Some of them may have, so you've you've kept an
eye on their career. That's good. It's possible. These are
(02:43):
all good answers. And last, but may your shoes be
one size too big. If you think of least it's
joey queer, crazy legs. Give me one more reason to
love you. I can make a mean scrambled eggs. Huh.
And what would you say is the little joey you're
a secret you might want to share? Well, the secret
(03:05):
I got I got from my brother in law, Andy,
who got it from a French chef. So strapping, uh,
whisk like a motherfucker. Get those air pockets in there
because that makes them fluffier and lighter, and so just
like just so when you dump them in there, So
make that sound while you're whisking whatever you want to
do to kind of get the the elbow rocking and
(03:27):
then they come out just so fluffy, so good. Okay,
the French shout out to Andy, I love you so
much more. Do you use your elbow when you whisk? Yeah?
I strapped. Use both hands that go like this so
(03:48):
people can't see this. What he's doing. James is using
both hands like he's trying to start a fire, like
he's a boy scout and that that's gonna burn you. Out, dude,
that's gonna burn you out, so you want to use
You've seen my muscles and burning out. I just wanted
speaking of James muscles, there's a little cleanup crew from
the West Side Comedy Theory that met down in Santa Monica,
(04:09):
Um after the I think first night of writing. Uh
that that is to say looting excuse me, um when
the Peaceful March became an issue in certain pockets and
parts of Santa Monica were ripped up pretty bad, and
some of us gathered down there to clean up. James
uh And and the Mrs Aaron were there super early apparently.
But James was wearing a picture of this if you will,
(04:32):
so the red hair, and he's got an alchemyist alchemy
this hat on backwards, super cool, and he's got like
those kind of goggles the basketball players started wearing once
one of them lost a n eye. And then he's
got a brown tank top on and b mL spray
painted on the back of the tank top, spray painted
(04:53):
like long. It's just beautiful. But the tank talk really
able to reveal the gun show on heney Land and
I bought tickets and you said, b mL, I think
you mean b LM. Oh god, I was really hoping
I didn't do it wrong. B LM b LM using
(05:14):
my beat and yeah, yeah, you rarely see just the initials,
which I thought immediately when I saw the but they
had been spray painted on the back of his uh
tank top. Um so, so good on you, James. That
was awesome to see you on tank top. Yeah. No,
you did. You certainly did, and you did it correctly,
I remembered incorrectly. Let's do a damn show. Almost all
(05:37):
of our scene suggestions are gathered from your listener emails.
If you'd like to submit yours, please right to the
podcast at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here alchemy com. I love reading your emails,
so please keep sending them. This one seen one comes
from Oscar listener Oscar, who wrote, Hey, gorgeous, this is
your friendly neighbor in western China. Just the other day,
(05:59):
I was listening to your latest episode on a hike
through a glacier at forty feet The laughter it was
the only thing that kept me from passing out from
altitude sickness. Just left you a very much deserved review
on Apple Podcast. Yeah, I created an account just for that.
Sorry it took so long. Thanks for bringing struggling comedian
(06:20):
Nikki Shits to life. Who remember remember? Yeah, here's my suggestion,
Nikki Shits makes a comeback as a youth pastor. Love
to all, stay safe, Oscar, Western China. Thank you? Uh
is it? Father? I just ship my pants? Yeah? Come
(06:44):
on in? What's going on? Uh? Yeah? Hi? Um my family?
I wanted to bring them to uh to your sermon
on Sunday. Yeah, but I saw your name listed and
I wanted to make it see if that was a
typo or or no, no, Nikki Niki, it's nick father
Nikki with two KSh father Nicky. Yeah. See that that's
(07:08):
the part that I'm not sure the six and eight
year old will appreciate. Is it a French name? Did
you pronounce it differently? I think Nikki is Russian by origin.
And then the last name comes from You're you're saying
like the bad word for poops, right? Oh wow? Yeah,
(07:31):
I'm sorry. This is kind of my first a couple
of days in the mix here. Uh, that's my stage name,
and I figured to roll that over to what I did.
Your hostile work on the stage as a pastor yeah.
You know, I get to get everyone juiced up. I
have a lot of experience working crowds. So I think
did you say you were a comedian previously? I was yeah. Actually, Um,
anyway to hear any of your stuff? You got like,
(07:53):
just gonna do a set for you right now? Yeah,
do a set? So okay? Five? Um, don't you try type?
YEAHI father? Sorry, is it okay if I come? And I? Um,
you said I could host this set? So uh yeah, totally. Um,
Hey everybody, what's up? You know me? I'm Deacon, uh Sam.
(08:16):
We got a hot, hot show for you all tonight.
We got one headliner you're gonna love, Nicky Shits. You've
seen him holding the Bible giving master kids. Let's let's here,
let's put your hands together. Nicky Shits. Thank you so much, Deacon,
Thank you so much. Looks like we've got a small
(08:38):
crowd today. Don't worry. I hope my ships don't become
bigger than the crowd we got here today. So I
was just wondering, how many people here? How many people
are stidy diet? OK? So so you can you can answer,
you can you can answer, Deacon. You don't have to answer.
You can someone's going on? Are you right? You weren't.
(09:03):
I don't know what a steady diet is. You don't
know what a steady diet is? You know, everyone in
the congregation. Why don't we take a second here, when
we take a second here to realize what a steady
diet is. Now, we have a young man here, preach it.
Young man here? Your name is Bred Is that right? Brad? Brad?
(09:25):
I'm a young man here named Brad. And how many
people here I want to see Brad to get shifted
on father ships. Thank you for coming to my office.
I can still hear the crowd screaming your name. Listen,
we brought you in here because we wanted you to
(09:47):
touch the youth, right, We needed a younger. Maybe we
should use a different kind of terminology. I'm a father,
I'm father long Don and here I have a sister
bleed here. We are getting older and we admit that,
and we don't want to lose the connection, so we
need you to Maybe the connection has already lost, father,
(10:11):
You know, that's what we're worried about. We're worried about
are out of touch. That's what we're saying. Exactly exactly
what father is saying, maybe you too need to step
out of the way so Nicky ships can spread the word.
And my ass that's exactly what the father is saying.
I think. So you you get the message, which is good.
We need you to really reach in, you know, grab
(10:33):
the youth by where it hurts. You know. Maybe what
I need to do is grab the youth exactly. Yes,
that's correct, that's correct. That's correct. Oh, God, bless you, God,
bless you, God, bless you. Thank you. Yeah, I'm looking
for a Nikki Shits. I'm a former agent of his
(10:54):
and just coming to the small town. I heard rumbling
and rumors that he might be working here or something. Yes, yes,
he'll be here later today. You know, I don't need
my windows wash. It's it's fine. Can I ask what
this is about? Yeah, I'm a former agent of his,
and I uh, I'm worked in Hollywood and I worked
(11:15):
in Bollywood and any kind of wood and I was
just hearing that NICKI might be getting back on on stage,
so I mostly heard the word former. No, you don't
need to you don't need to wash the window. Yes, former,
we split ways while back and uh, are you calling
(11:37):
from your car? Sir? I'm in my car. My phone
is on. I always recording the conversation. I have to
my phone, but I'm not. You don't have to wash
goddamn window that car to drive away. So I just
wanted to know if you had any inside or any
(11:58):
idea of where Nick you might be. He he works
here at the church and he'll be here a little
later today. But hey, Nikki, that was a great, great,
really really good. Now listen, Um, you probably don't know,
you don't know me. Sure the water, get the water. Um,
you don't know me. But I thank you for the watch. Yeah,
thank you, that's yours. Anything, it's mine and George. And
(12:19):
that's kind of why I'm here. I'm a I'm a boutique.
Is this at scrap yea, yeah, take it, take it
Turkey avocado. So I have a very small, small roster
client rochter Ta. I've got to two of the best
birthday clowns in the city on my roster, and um,
why wouldn't you put anything else like to, you know,
(12:43):
to expand my roster. Maybe somebody with a little more
edgy like you. I mean, it's just blind, it's just dry,
you know what I mean. That's just like anything other
than just like a turkey avocado? Like, do you have
representation currently? And if not, would you like to get working? Here?
In this water's warm? So I don't know what you
want me to do with I'm not gonna drink. I'm
gonna say the biggest birthday parties are happening, and my
clients are making them happen. You said you dressed up
(13:06):
as a clown and you host birthday parties that you said,
I used to, but now I become the boss I have.
I have two clients and my roster. I'm looking to
expand my roster, and I don't have anybody like you.
So you're an agent? Is that right? Boutique? Yes, yes,
you have small but I'll fight for you. I'll fight
for you. I don't know how you say, but I
say an agent, and I want you to know that
(13:28):
I got out of that game a long time ago.
But the rule it's a new game. It's a new game,
but the players are the same. Well well, well if
it isn't nicky ships coming here to do this birthday
party with us? Huh you do remember men craps start? Okay, Connor,
I'm actually here to do last right, So excuse me,
(13:52):
hi father? Um, yes, so we were having a birthday
party for my son and then, um, he died in
the middle of it. Okay, great, Um but um yeah,
so he's just um, he's out. He's by the shed
in the backyard. So this why the hell is this
preached breach dressed like a cloud, because I think he
(14:14):
was coming back. No, it's your sons, you know, it's
your son's funeral. POKEM with a stick, just pokem where? POKEM?
In the butt maybe or in the mouth. Okay, here,
I'm gonna touch this tongue with my tongue. Get out
of here. Get these ganky kids, get out of kids.
(14:38):
So this is where he felled out? Father, priest, father?
What are you? Yeah, I'm I'm a pastor. Father. Yeah,
where are they called cuts? Did you set the called
cut somewhere? I'd like to put them out of Yes,
I put them bridge of course. Of course. Also, can
someone call the parents of these annoying, fun little kids
(15:00):
and have them go home and keep poking? My parents
called the parents. You want me to pick up Tyler?
You want me to pick up Tyler? Is right? Who's screaming? Sorry?
That's my that's my that's my partner. He's I asked
him to call you, but all he did was go
to the window and scream parents. And so I had
(15:21):
to call your tyler. Tyler's on a birthday and your
kid's birthday party. My son is dead and your son
is poking him with a stick. Look, I don't know
how you do parties, but if that's the case, that's
the case. Okay, party, it was a party. I understand
the confusion. I sent you an EVIT for a birthday party.
(15:43):
I don't want to be with my kid. Well, he's
gonna excuse to go to a party. He's gonna go
to the party's gonna stay there until the party's done. Alright,
the party's done. I'm telling you right now, the party
has done. So come pick up your fucking well. It's
too thirty. I think i'll pick him up around six.
Like the flyers said, I even, oh yeah, you sure
you want Nikki to do this service. He's gonna ship
(16:03):
on your kid. I know him, I know his act.
He's gonna ship We We've called a lot of different people.
It seems like everybody's booked already for last minute writes Alright,
excuse me, sir. Why are ukraine? Because that lady said
that the other guy was her partner and so business partners.
She's my wife and it's our child. What do you want?
(16:24):
I want another stick for me? I want another stick.
You're not allowed to poker dead pet him? Um, honey,
there's something I have to tell you. UM. I know,
I know that. Um. I just okay. I don't want
to that's the problem. I don't want to touch you.
I don't want to hold you. I'm tired of being
(16:44):
the big spoon all the time. Um. And basically, honey,
I want to let you know that my relationship has
gone from business partner to um sexual partners with Frank. Frank,
you can come out. He's hiding behind the curtain over there, right, Frank,
what are you doing right? Come on? That is extreme.
(17:10):
It's been a rough day, has it. You have to
call the bitch because your baby boy dead. Come. I
just give you one hole hold? No, fine, I'll give
you one hold. I'll give you one hold. Oh my god. Yeah,
I'll take a I'll take a water Coca cola ice.
(17:32):
That's a hard story, man, man, that's a hard story. Um.
But um, you said Nikki was at the party. Is
that right? He did the last rites he came? Sorry,
did you say water? Coca cola? Yeah? What is that?
Can you? So? I'm gonna put some water in a
(17:52):
glass and then add coca cola? Okay, what is confusion
about this? I don't understand. I've never heard water up
to so much water happening today. I'll be very bad again.
I'm sorry to hear about that. It's just it's it's
been a rough day and really it's just a weird
(18:13):
time for my wife to leave me. But I'm pretty
sure you know she's probably going through a lot. If
Frank is uh, well, he worked together really well. I
don't know. So you saw Nicky? Where did when did
he leave? This is kind of I believe I actually
I feel like he he left pretty much after the
rights were done. Okay, this is just a glass of
water and a and a glass of coke. I thought
(18:35):
if I split the difference you could you would make
it yourself. I wanted a glass of water with ice, coke,
cocoal ice, milk seven up ice for Tim? Milk seven
up ice for Tim? Is your name? Tim? My name?
Is my name? Is Tim? Really? Yeah? My name is
(18:56):
Tim and I ordered a milk seven up with ice. Okay,
you can have this one if you want it. I
don't want that. That's not what I would. I mean you,
you've solved the confusion. I didn't know who it was for. Thanks,
thank you. If you want to hang out, hey, um,
Mr Mr clown crap Crapper, the clown, crappy clown. It's
(19:19):
Conrad Creps. But okay you can. Why not? I see
you getting into this beat up car. It seems like
things aren't going too great for you. Yeah, I'm a
little down. Hey. I was on top of the world.
I was King of the open mic circuits and Akron
and little Nikki came along. He was seventeen at the time,
(19:40):
and he just took everything. And I haven't scraping by
even since. It must must make you feel bad. He
pulled up in a Bentley. Yeah, I saw that. It
makes you feel terrible, you know I but I wouldn't
give the switch places with him again, you know, just
for one day to be back in the spotlight. King V. Well,
(20:02):
what's happening? I think I'm switching bodies or something. Where
are you going? Mr Crappy to clown. Welcome back to
Michigan State University. You're going to be addressing the assembly today.
How long is your set? It's a tight, beautiful all right. Well,
(20:27):
a lot of the players are out here. They're very
excited to meet you. Would you mind I could say
hello before the set? Sure? Let the go around them,
you know the fellas. All right, first, I'm gonna bring
in the quarterback, Tye, your blintsk ty hey, ty yeah,
you got a second to meet this clown? Fellas? Ty
(20:51):
this is uh is it crappy to clowns? Yeah? That's me.
Nice to meet you. Fella. Hey, hey, look I like
your your uniform perfect for me. Crap on right now
you go, hey, crapping on, Tye. You don't gotta eat
the crap. It's just a joke. Calm down, Calm down.
(21:15):
Are you all right? You've been calling embudence? Alright? So well, boy,
you said that he turned to the key and it
made a sound, and then he disappeared into He just disappeared.
You're hearing the story correct, that's correct. But before he left,
(21:36):
he said something about he wanted to be Nikki Shits
for a day. I don't know if that is anything relevant.
So maybe the ignition of this old beat up car
can make me transfer bodies with somebody. Scully, what are
you doing, Jim Scully? What do you think is going on?
What do you mean? What? What do you think? I mean? Huh?
How far are you going to take this case? Who's
(21:58):
this beautiful lady? H I'm agent FBI, whoa Federal booby inspector? Nice?
Are you serious? It's kind of Number one two comes
(22:20):
from Justin in Portland Organ, who wrote, Hey KP, I'm
a devoted listener since two two thousand nine. Team. My
wife often finds me doing dishes at the SINC doubled
over and laugh the thanks for all the genius moments
of comedy. The skill level is off the charts, and
you each bring something unique. That's why it works. Scenes
suggestion a group of science fiction novelists go on a
(22:41):
yoga retreat. They begin to suspect the yoga leader is
not what he or she seems seems. See, so my
thought right now is that like for my I don't know,
I guess like the the bridge for the two worlds
is going to be a this this cybernetic uh like
(23:04):
overlord right that is controlling both the Uprising robots, but
at the same time is like all the humans are
super plugged in to like the other AI world and
all that. So it's thank you, Dr Rossman. Is there
any other questions We let the doctor go at some point,
but if they're we could have time for two more
questions for that. Yeah, I have a question. Ye, yes,
(23:25):
the lady in the back, I guess. I guess my
question is I think that the portal is maybe something
that you could find, like maybe behind a tree or
maybe under a tree, and could you just I'm sorry,
could you just hold to get the mic over to you? Yeah,
hold on, okay, um my question. I guess my question
(23:46):
is like if there's like I think the portal is
where it's like maybe on the side of the thing.
Can you hear her? Doctor, I can't. I can't. Let's
get the mic over to someone else if we could,
someone who knows how to speak into it. Yeah, I
got I got a question. Gentlemen on the on the
(24:07):
left wing there, Yeah, pass it down if you can
pass the mike to him. Thank you, Hey, doctor, big fan,
big fan, big fan. I can't hear him. Is he
I'm speaking into it? Mike is not working. You just
shout your questions. So, doctor, I'm a big fan what
(24:29):
I think in in my community, I can't I can't
hear what he says. Can we can we go to
let's go back to the lady in the back? MS.
Could you just yell out your question please? Sure? I
guess my question is like, what's the deal with going
to the other dimension? Do you guys think it's like
through a portal? Or do you think that it's something
(24:51):
that we have to like manifest ourselves with like math.
That's a great question, No way, doctor, So to reiter
rate for those of you couldn't hear her, when you
go to Chili's, what is your favorite order? My favorite
order at Chili's right now would have to probably be
the probably the bean pizza and uh if if I'm
(25:17):
getting if I'm really going hard at Chili's, I'll do
the I'll do the flat burger right, no cheese, no
bun um, I'll probably do no egg. I'll add I'll
bring my own Friday's Jack Daniel sauce. You'll bring it out.
I'll bring my own. Wow, that's great, and so he
(25:39):
goes on. He goes on to list other ingredients. He likes.
What I'm saying is I think the audience is waiting
for a book of this caliber for me. So you know,
everybody who's asking the question is representing the audience himselfs Damien, Damien,
I like what you do, you know, I like what
you do. Okay, but I'm looking for sci fi here.
I mean the entire book. I read it. It It just
you got a thousand pages of a seminar talk with
(26:03):
some Dr Rothman and the host and all these people
who can't be heard. It makes no sense. But but
what's the what does what does sci fi even stand for?
Let's start science fiction? Science Okay, what's the opposite of
science fiction? Science fact? Okay? Okay, see what I'm doing here? Um?
(26:23):
Would you too like to continue having this conversation or
can we get on with the yoga retreat? We have
a group of individuals here, right, Yes, I'm so sorry,
Yeah we can let's do let's do the yoga retreat.
I am so sorry to you. Don't have to apologize, um, right,
(26:45):
So everyone welcome. UM. I guess we already kind of
know um kind of a book deal going on. So
if there's anything else side, okay, um. And I did
make it abundantly clear that everyone has to be very
healthy before coming on this retreat. So I hope no
(27:06):
one's trying to hide. And he's smoking right now, and
I didn't think that was allowed either. It's certainly not allowed. Okay,
I'm sorry I did not put it out. Did you
just put on a voice for that? Because before you're okay? Okay,
are we allowed to put on voices? Yes, you just
have to let me know before you do it, okay,
(27:28):
because I get confused. Okay, any other questions before we begin?
Can we can we do the yoga? Yeah? Okay, okay,
all right, we'll start in. Um, I have a question
real quick. Is it going to get really crazy hot? Yes?
(27:50):
The room goes up to a hundred degrees um. It
helps with flexibility. And I also like it when people
get wet and sweaty for me, that's fun. Okay, okay, wow,
crazy And they just kind of randomly paired us up
to bunk together. But here we are sci fi robot guy,
(28:14):
sci fi alien guy. Yeah, it's crazy, right. We would
have thought it would have thought that we would be
it's nuts here together. It's crazy. It's just me. It
was I don't know. You know, I don't have a
big history in yoga, so I can't really talk. But
it's kind of weird that Yogi there was really really
into making sure that it was really hot and wet
(28:36):
in there, like super important, wouldn't start until it was
super hot and wet. Yeah, I mean, I'm familiar with
with the hot yoga well you know, but the wet
part that that weirded me out because it was the
dumping of water over us repeatedly that I was not
helping me either a be secure in my footing or
(28:58):
people were slipping. There was a lot of a c
L terrors on the first day. Yeah, it's dangerous. So yeah,
So so what I did is I put the sci
fi robot guy in the sci fi alien guy in
this theme. So I have I have a camera in
there and I'm listening. I imagine fascinating things are gonna
come out of this. You know, I could, frankly, I
could use this for my book. I think this is
(29:19):
a great plan. So let's let's just listen in. Let's
listen in. Okay. So yeah, yeah, you got to make
sure that you add a lot of flour to the
stock or it's not gonna you know, thicken correctly, So
you gotta do that, I mean, make it blendses is fun.
So I'll give you the recipe. Yeah, I really love
love that. Sorry, this is the footage. Ye, just the
(29:42):
two of them talking recipe right now. It's a live feed,
so who knows. I imagine they're gonna get to the
small talk and then get to the good talk. I mean,
we're talking to sci fi alien and side by robot.
What's the good talk? Are we looking forward? Do you
think something that has to do with sci fi aliens
or sci fi robots that would be great? And if
you core of it honestly? To me, what really matters here?
(30:03):
It comes loose on the waist, tied in the thoughts.
I'm the same way. I am the same way. You know.
I didn't think that sci fi aliens and sci fi
robot writers would get along as well as we do. Right. Oh?
I forgot to say, um pre heat, excuse me? Yoki?
(30:24):
Are you busy right now? Yes? What can I help
you with? Oh? You're busy, I'm very busy. Okay, Well,
I just can who are those people chanting in your
Those are my boys? Is this Is this where the
v I P yoga? Yes? Okay, well I was worried.
I just feel like I was expecting four element yoga
(30:46):
and I'm only getting too. Is is that where the
other two elements are? Look? I can I come in?
I'm I'm I'm an expert yoga person. Fine, yes, come in.
You're not listening to anything I've fucking said already, So literally,
just do whatever you want. This is ok you're you
know house basically, now you're already in here. Just come in,
(31:08):
come in. Just don't scare my boys. Okay, one of
those ropes, just take it. Why would you say it
says my name on it? It is embroidered with my name.
Why would you assume I would walk into your bunk
and immediately go let me sleep in your bed? I'm sorry,
I'm scared my boys. Boys, boys, boys, boys? What get
(31:34):
dunk your heads in the water? Boys? Yes? Okay, what
were you saying? You're wearing my robe? It actually looks
good on you. What can I help you with? Thank you? Well,
I just felt like I was ready for the next
two elements. We get the heat or fire, and we
get you know, water, But I wanted, you know, I
(31:56):
was promised four elements of yoga here the earth and wind.
That's you bring that yourself. You'll find that within you,
and so the audience, well, you know, the reader will
understand that those last two elements are within Damien, Damien,
I'm just trying to send on myself. Okay. Look, can
we talk about this when we're out, all right? I
(32:19):
just I'm hot. I'm hot right now. You know we're
all hot as hot as start. You're having a full
volume conversation in the middle of a yoga class. Okay,
So as a punishment, I am turning the heat up
to one degrees. Yes, it's a punishment, and I am
dunking you all with my water. Boys will come through
and they'll dunk you all. Okay, what you're gonna get more?
(32:43):
There we go, There you go, there you go. All right,
and now we're going to transition to dog. Sorry I
should have told you boys. Okay, Okay, now it's getting good. Listen,
listen in. This is what I've been hoping for. What
did we want? Okay? Here we go. Listen to this.
(33:06):
I mean, did you did you hear that? Uh? Sci
fi wizard guy didn't even come back. You want to
talk to Yogi like this afternoon didn't return. Yeah, I mean,
I don't want to like start spreading sci fi rumors here,
But the word is they saw him roaming the beach
early morning, muttering to himself, wearing the yogis fucking rope
(33:28):
bing bung? Hello? Hold on, sorry, what's my phone? Hello?
He's just Jim. Yeah, this is a JOm Hey jo?
What room am I in? Is this a prank call?
This a fucking prank call? Are you pranking me? Right now? Okay, sorry,
(33:52):
I'm just kidding. They wanted to know what room you're in? Yeah,
hardcover novelists across the way or having retreated there. It's
a pretty low stakes prank. Yeah, but it hurts nonetheless.
So anyway, God, I got under my skin. I got
under my skin. I know I was shouldn't it, but
it fucking got under my ska. Damn. You need you
(34:15):
need to sci fi focus here, um, because let's steal
the yoga boat, go over to their camp and and
and I don't know, burn some ship or oh you
know what we could do? You know what we could do?
Do you know what we could do? Huh? I don't
please tell me, do you know what we could do.
Do you know what we could do? Huh? I've probably
answered that. I don't think they're gonna stop calling. Oh,
(34:36):
don't want hello? This is yes, it is who's calling.
Choose your balls? Okay, this is a prank. Okay, okay,
fuck you, fuck you. God damn it. When I heard that, Um,
they wanted you to show them your balls over the phone. Yeah,
I wasn't gonna do it. I wasn't gonna do it.
(34:57):
So wait, we're talking about stealing the yoga boat. Yeah,
it got under my skin. Man, I don't want it
to be, but it did, got in my gun near
the skin. Look, let's steal the boat. Let's go over there.
You know what we could do? Mrs yogi head, you
can just call me Sandra. I don't None of those
(35:18):
titles are necessary, Okay, Sandra. Um, I'm one of the
patrons here. We've been having a really nice retreat. Um.
There's been talk that you're not letting us in on
who it is you are exactly. Um, well, my name
is Sandra, I have my water boys, and this is
(35:41):
a yoga retreat. I don't know what more information, Oh,
I don't know. Do the numbers zero zero one one
zero zero one means anything to you? Who told you that?
Who told you? Zero? Zero one one zero one? I
can't a roboto zero that. Scene number two O my gud.
(36:11):
Scene three to come to us from Garat, who wrote,
Dear Alchemists, you are all a shunning light in these
humorist gray days of pandemic anting lists. Scene suggestion. It's
Joey Greer has won the presidency in a landslide. Within
days of his inauguration, he delivers on his campaign promised
to create a new bill changing the national anthem to
(36:33):
come on, let's just hang out, come on, let's eat beef.
Senators debate his proposed new anthem. Enjoy Garrett from Detroit,
what's the problem with it? Mr? President? What you're two o'clock?
Is here? Is it? My agent using my agent comes
(36:55):
around two o'clock. My agent usually pops Center on that time,
sols Carl Stephenson, Carl Susan. Yeah, put him, bring him,
bring him in, Put him in and bring him in. Okay,
he's wearing a T shirt and shorts. Sir, I'm not
sure that's appropriate actire for the over office. I think
it's fine. Okay, there's a kiddie pooling here. Just in
(37:19):
a second. Mr Stephenson, Yeah, hi, Hi, the President will
see you now, sir, great, great? What up? Man up? Top?
No that to me? Are you doing that to me?
Or you? Yeah? What's up? Man? I didn't know what.
High five back to you? Baby? Nice? Nice? Nice? What's up?
(37:43):
How do I know you? What your deal? How did
you get in? Uh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.
Can I can't take a little dippy? Yeah, go for it?
Hell yeah now, Mr Stephens, Senator Stevens, Director Mundo, I'm
all right, serious, sucker. You're a senator from Nevada, and
as I know, you're on defense about changing the antheamo. Yeah, yeah,
(38:09):
on the piece of ship. Come on, come on, come on,
why you know why? Why? What was? Why? What? Why
do you want to change it? Come on, let's all
hang out. Come on, seed beef. Huh Why people can
(38:34):
say that that's a universal language? English is a universal language.
M m m m you know what you know what
I mean? I mean, Nevada is in, Nevada is in
Okay you okay? I am at of here. Bye bye
bye bye bye bye, Mr President, Mr President. Yes, man,
(38:57):
I have a moment of your time. You can. My
constituents in the Great State of Georgia have concerns about
all hanging out and all eating meat. They wanted me
to run them by you so because quite frankly, we
might succeed from the union if we have to see it. Oh,
(39:18):
that's easy. Is that? It's just that it fucking doude dude,
I'll beat the ship out of your asks if you
do that ship dude, all right, you're f kidding me,
do it. I don't give a fun dude. I filmed
a movie with Kurt Russell straight to DVD. Didn't he
didn't get released, but I filmed it with Kurt Russell,
so I know how to fu handle myself. My man, Okay,
I missed the president. Uh. I mean, I do love
this country, and h I do love you and your
(39:41):
word I leave. Do you hear a dumb you sounded
you're gonna leave and then you love it? How dumb
is that? I personally love it? But I represent the
people of Georgia. Kurt Russell personally told me I'm super chill,
and he wanted to hang out. We weren't able to
conflicts bit conflicts, but we did we we hung out
on set. Understand that. Let me tell the people that
(40:01):
Georgia that you are from the playback. The President told
the governor from Georgia he would beat his ass if
he didn't get on board with the anthem. We're gonna
now go to the field for another report from Tina Carter. Tina, Hi, Yeah,
(40:22):
we're out here on the field in front of the
White House. Um. You know, as you can see, some
of the windows in the White House are broken because
the President keeps kind of in a cartoonish way throwing
senators out there to quote prove a point unquote. Um,
so as and we see now another one is just
coming through. See if you can grab an interview with
(40:44):
the senator. Let me run Hi, sir, sir, sir, Hi,
I'm Tina from ABC News. So you're the Senator of Massachusetts, right,
let's hang out and that's the present. Let's see beef.
(41:06):
So you were we just saw you get injected through
the window of the White House. You tell me a
little bit about that. I said, I said, I can't
beat the song. And then he said what's that? And
what and he said look over there, and then I looked,
and then he threw me out to the window, and
I landed on my face and my plate, and I'm
already you landed on your face and your butt. I
think that's kind of impossible. Yeah, it's a bad day.
(41:32):
Anything else is bad happened aside from getting kicked out
of a window. I think I think he's going to
get what he wants. I think that's gonna be our
new anthem. James, you're my secretary defense. I am just
really I'm not organized. You're my secretary of the treasure.
(41:52):
I know it's a lot of pressure. I made up
another secretary position for you. Secretary. What the hell am
I supposed to do? Huh? I don't know. You're my
most trusted and only advisor. Okay, I know it's just
maybe you should get fill each position with a different person.
It's not going to pass that I'm gonna be able
(42:13):
to clone you. And have you wait a second, what
if we're able to clone you? I don't think we should. No, no,
no, no no, no no. I I really, honestly, I feel
pretty exhausted being one person. I don't want to be
a whole bunch of people. What Joey, I can't be
cloned I'm exhausted. You wouldn't be tired as the clone.
The clone would be the whole another thing. It'd be
like alright, James entered the chamber here for the record,
(42:37):
I don't want to do that. There's a lot of
smoke coming out of that chamber, fire smoke. There's the
rails going in there. I don't want to go in there. Please,
you have to see an executive order, James, let's go inside.
The skin ready to be removed. Oh, I don't want
your skin is going to be removed for it's a
(42:58):
quick procedure. It's only about four hours. So um, we're
gonna go ahead and uh like, go ahead. Hold on
to the handles there on the side, these handles for
Katie penis what is in ivory right now? To preserve it.
It's it's gonna hurt a lot, all right. How's he
(43:23):
doing in there? You know? Is the outpatient? Good? Is?
When when am I going to get more? James's well,
the penis replicated, fine, but there was a problem with
the rest of it. Problem. What do you mean problem? Well,
there's clones on the clones what well, I'll just you'll
just have to see it. I'm not a doctor. Doctor
(43:43):
speak to me like I'm a dumb guy. You know
in the movie Total Recall where the guy has a
little quatto on his stomach, the guy, the guy and
the guy, well his name is quat, right, Yeah, that's
you know what I'm saying. It's like that. But the
character the thing is called Quata, you know whatever. Alright,
but it up Tata. Look the thing is this movie
is a sci fi classic. Okay, don't shot on that,
(44:05):
all right, I'm not hitting at it. I used it
to the analogy because I love the film that to
the short fucking story and made a classic. Do you
know that? Huh yeah, I understand. It's Phil Okay, Dick,
it's great. It's it's a fucking bad ass dude. That
part where schwartz Niger takes off the little mask. Look
what what this doctor dick to me is all over
(44:26):
my Hi, Joe, you got to tell this doctor to
remove these penises off of me. Don't kiss him. Do
not kiss him. It does not do you want to
be kissed? James? Okay, I I gotta go on a
(44:48):
little trip. Okay, what you can't leave me here here
next to me? James, listen to me. Okay, I'm the president.
I'm the president. Okay, I get to do I have
to do things. And if you can't do whatever we
need you to do, James, I need your my advisor. Okay,
I'm gonna have to public James. I know that. Okay,
I know that. Okay. Right now I'm juggling the presidency
(45:10):
and I'm trying to get a movie deal. Okay. I
got a lot of things going on in my life.
All right, So I need you to as a president
if you could just uh, I hate to say that,
put it this way, but an elevator pitch for the
film would be helpful. We can see what you see, yes, yes,
of course, so um uh uh to armadillos live action
(45:35):
that are trying to find a magic key to get
them out to get to open up a portal so
they go back to their armadillo um dimension. So we're
on the same page. Do you actually mean the animal
seen mostly as road kill in the state of Texas, Yes, yeah, okay,
(45:58):
but they're taking on human care juristics, yes. Do they
wear hats? Yeah? Yeah, I think that's totally talk about that. Yes,
So we have a question. Assist. Thanks for thanks for
taking the meeting. I think lions Gate is gonna be
super into this script. It's called Dicks Ahoy. It's about
(46:21):
a guy every hour on the hour, more dicks pop
up on his body. Keep talking. Yeah, so eventually, I
mean it's really funny at first, but then it becomes
a bit of a horror story as he's completely overtaken
by these dicks. Okay, the dicks are out to get
him somehow. Yeah. Well, initially they love him because they're
(46:42):
his host, but then they realize that he's not paying
enough attention to them, so they rise up, this is
a guy, This is a guy. Yeah, but I mean
you're telling me the guy is not paying attention to
his dicks. Dr Turmrn. You know you were pitching the
Lion's Gate as well, Mr President. Uh, yeah, it's good.
(47:06):
You know they have a they can green light several films.
I don't think, I don't know competing. Do you mind
if I see your pitch? Sure? Sure, it's what did
you give me your pitch? Actually? Okay? Uh, that's about
a guy who every hour on the hour, a bunch
of dicks keep popping up all over him, and so
(47:30):
so within the movie, he sells a movie. Okay, now
this is the book. Look, look, look, it's too convoluted.
It makes you goddamn sense as you've got away from
the point about him wanting to make the national anthem.
That was completely about. I don't know how many times
I have to reprimand YouTube for a meeting in the
middle of class, but this is the last time, and
(47:51):
I mean it for real temperature. What am I gonna do?
I'm a boy. I don't know if you've noticed. It
took everyone here a long time, and you guys must
be dumb. But from waist down, I am basically microchips
and the top I am a human woman. So yes,
you look good in yoga pans. Still am I right?
(48:12):
Thank you? I do a good thank you, and that
actually means a lot. I do like it when men
comment on my body because that's mainly why I exist.
So thank you so much. But if you guys do
that again, I'm turning the temperature up to fifty degrees
for me. It doesn't matter. Okay, I'm a robot, but
(48:33):
that should matter. There should be a temperature thing that
like you know, Also, the water should distort the chips.
There's a lot of I mean, yeah, we got a question. Hey, sorry,
I'm gonna need a new yoga mat because that is
crept over in Jesus hilarious though, right, I should think
it a wrong. That was funny. That was funny. Okay,
(48:55):
So I'm assuming we're gonna end this yoga session in
the way we and all of them. And that's the
thing that I guess exactly. Someone please stand up, put
your right hand on your heart. Um, well, her heart
is on her head. Look at that. That's weird, cool cool?
All right? Shall we? Yes, let's the American anthem, Let's
(49:23):
hang outday, always leave them wanting less. It's harder to
(49:48):
sing on zoom calls than in person. Let's thank all
of our alchemist, starting with the very James Heeney. James,
thank you so much. How is your hashbrown supply? We're
getting seen emailing raies about that. I'm not even actually
funny story. It was doing well for a while, but
the past two orders that I've made, they have asked
(50:08):
me if it was okay to replace those hash browns
with shredded potatoes. And that is not okay. So I
have not a lot left. I don't know what's going
to happen. I mean, it's been minced potatoes. I don't
know what it is. It's all packed into a patty
and or a phone call with some sort of missive
(50:31):
from the folks you ordered from saying how about shredded
potatoes instead? Well, here's what happens when I use instatcart
is they have a little thing that pops up and says,
is it okay for this to be a replacement? And
I will. I'll approve almost everything, but I am not
going to approve shredded potatoes. Clearly they don't dealing with
I mean, yeah, good on you, but I am almost out.
(50:53):
So anyone listening, remember James is almost out of hash
Browns from Costco. Right, Oh, I shu, I had a
Costco card. I use Smart and Final. It's pretty close.
I wouldn't say it's close by, man, I wouldn't say
it's a big boxes and damned do I like big boxes? Okay, okay, Wow,
(51:18):
that went sideways. Caroline Connor, thank you so much for
being here today. Happy here, huh and uh good luck
in the coming days. You'll keep us posted on your progress.
Yeah please, we'd like to know, you know, post up?
Oh yeah, yeah, Yeah, it's a big operation and it's
not really considered essential or allowed by doctors, so I'm excited.
(51:42):
Yeah you should be. Chris Baro, thank you so much, buddy,
Thank you for having me and Cole Stratton. Great to
have you back and fold and uh the entire damn magazine.
So thank you for joining us again. Thanks always, good
to be here. Joey Greer, that's my name. What happened?
(52:06):
I don't know, I don't know fair enough. Thank you
very much for being here. As always, Let's thank our
producer and engineer to the stars, Mr Dougan. Find folks
at I Heeart Media. Please attend to right to the podcast.
Love reading your emails responding to them. That's your name
(52:26):
here at alchemy this dot com. Please right to your
name here at alchemy this dot com. I'm your host,
Kevin pob We love you so very much. Please stay healthy,
please be safe. Until next time. The boy bet a
(53:05):
pall of pepper for he
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!